Rachel: Contributing to Social Decline since 1984

St. Patty's Day Shame-a-thon. A drinking game.

2011-03-17T14:43:44-03:00

So, my favorite blog, Jennsylvania, written by my favorite author had this contest about quirks and secret shames. I totally wanted to enter, but got stuck on what I would enter. So, I thought I would shame it all out on my blog in what I would like to call the St Patty's Day Shame-a-thon. A drinking game.

Here's how it works. I lay out my secret shames and habits and any that you share, you take a shot of your favorite green lager. Woo hoo! Let's get started, shall we?

1. I eat my colored candies by grouping them by color and eating each color seperately. I also tend to obsess over the color ratio. If the colors are distributed proportionally, I feel ripped off.

2. My toilet paper roll has to roll over, not under! I would rather you not put it on the holder at all (Anthony rather enjoys this option) than put it on that dreaded 'under' way.

3. Serial sneezers, people who sneeze 3 or more times in a row, tend to grate on my nerves. Yeah, I know you can't control it, but it still pisses me off. God Bless You! All right?!?! I'm only saying it once.

4. Lambs and Petunia are my stuffed sheep, I still have them, they aren't going anywhere. I'm sure lots of people have something stuffed that isn't going anywhere.

5. I think moms who eat food out of their children's hands are disgusting. Children are little germ incubators. They don't even wipe properly. Sometimes I do gag a little if Seth tries to feed me anything. NO! THANK YOU!

6. I silently mock people who never use the right form of you're or your. Same with effect and affect. If you get paid more than me, sometimes I save it in my online form of a burn book.

7. I may not be thin, but I obsessively count every calorie I eat. I literally will grab my phone and use a calorie counting app or try and estimate the calories by hand.

8. I freak out to no end when my husband or son picks something off the ground. I will squeal and scream and start fishing in my purse for anti-bac. They are dropping that item they picked up immediately or I am drop kicking them. If you hear, "EWWW!!! DROP IT!! DROP IT!!! DROP IT!!!" in a grocery store parking lot, it could be me.

9. I CANNOT buy meat from Wal-mart. Or any perishable at all. It turns my stomach. Something about not wanting to skimp on what I put into my body and my fear that some of the characters in Wal-mart were made that way from the cheap quality foods...

10. I tailgate people who do less than the speed limit. Sorry, but obviously you have no place to go and should have stayed home. In my mind I am saying, "HELLO?!?! SOME OF US HAVE JOBS"?!?!? Out loud? I am screaming at the driver because most of the time there's another loser like him/her in the lane next to me. Brake check me? That's the one system on my car I keep in order. Good luck.

11. I don't poop in public places. Sorry, no. I barely pee in public places. I find public restrooms traumatizing. Why are they always wet? My goal is to get in and get out in 60 seconds. Including washing the hands. Which I both wash and anti-bac.

12. Public door handles... I also hate them as well. Sometimes I find a napkin and use that. Or I use my sleeve. Same with elevator bottons and light switches. I mean, no one ever cleans them!

13. I hate explaining anything to anyone. When my husband says why? I say, "do I REALLY have to explain this to you? REALLY? You REALLY do not get it?" Many times it's condescending enough to shut him up. Why? Because I fricken said so. Google it.

14. Vomit is the worst thing on this planet. End. Of. Story. You want to puke? Fine. Do it no less than 500 feet from me. Also, you losers who get thrashed and puke all over the club, the sidewalk, and the parking garage? You suck.

15. If someone else is controlling the radio in the car, I have to turn it down. I cannot allow someone else to blast music in the car, even if it's a song I like. I get the worst headache.

16. I cannot be in the same room as the television if TMZ is on. Seriously. It's so annoying. "I got random celebrity stuffing their face!!!" It's creepy and turns my stomach.

17. My house must be kept below 70 degrees at all times. I hate heat. I would have no heat at all in the winter if I didn't rent.

There ye go. Drunk yet? 17 secrets for you to attempt to identify with! Didn't get drunk enough? Add your own in the comments section so people can drink to it later!

And... Happy St Patty's Day!

My $700 Ikea adventure could have just one result: Chicken & Waffles.

2011-03-14T15:51:14-03:00

Of course when I lend my dad my seven passenger SUV, I find the best deal ever on the sofa-bed I've been eyeing for about two years. But wait, I am getting ahead of myself.

Okay, so a perfect Sunday afternoon is rounded off by a visit to the local IKEA for a nice new dresser, right? Wrong. Apparently, $500 more is involved and a Sofa-bed on clearance makes the perfect IKEA trip. On top of that, the adventure is more enjoyable if you only have a compact car, with a truck full of stuff your husband hoards (and you were sneakily trying to donate to Goodwill). Then, it's party time. So we're the last couple waiting to purchase our new sofa-bed. They give us a PALLET, yes, a PALLET. There are two boxes stacked on this pallet that we both KNOW will not fit on, in, or around our little Dodge Neon. So we take all the stuff out of the boxes and start loading.

Around 45 minutes later, we're throwing all our weight into cramming the second half of the sofa-bed into the back seat of the car. Thank you Dodge, for the wacky shaped door openings with next to no clearance. My thighs are on fire, but I am glad your engineers are satisfied with the crazy bubble that is the opening for my doors. How my husband and I manage to wedge large heavy objects into tiny spaces might have something to do with how we wedge our fat asses into anything. Weight puns aside, we did it and I am proud of us both. However, the cushions were another story...

After frantically calling my dad, friends, and random folks... We finally get a family member to come to our rescue and cram fluffy cushions into their car. We were able to take home the large framework ourselves and Anthony picked up the cushions this morning. (Yay). We may have had to tie the back doors shut and drive smashed into the steering wheel, but we made it.

Of course, all this effort leaves one hungry, does it not? What better thing to do at 11pm than go to ihop and get your pancake on? So we decide we earned the carbs and head over to our local International House of Awesome for some after-Ikea recovery. Among the drunks and the partied out teenagers, we discover what could be the best thing ever to happen to Washington DC. IHOP serves CHICKEN AND WAFFLES! The delight I experienced last night cannot be expressed in words... It CAN be expressed in rogue syllables.

OOOOOYYYYAAAAAHHHHHYYYYYYAAAAAAAYYYYYEEEEESSSS!

That's probably the best way to describe it. Definitely. The Y's have it. It was AMAZING.

Which brings me to the touching moment of the evening.

"This is just like old times" my husband and I agree.

Of course, the light of day brings me to ask myself, "if cramming furniture into a compact car, spending $700 after transferring funds from the savings account, and enjoying a late night Chicken and Waffle binge at ihop brings sentimental nostalgia, WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE ARE WE?

Fun people.

WINNING!

Anthony's job hunt and the worst job ads ever.

2011-01-22T20:06:05-04:00

Today has been productive. But at the same time, I feel sluggish and lazy. I'm totally struggling to figure out what I need to accomplish (big surprise) since half my life (anthony) is still at work. Again. I cannot tell you how sick the poor guy is of working 7 days a week, but I can tell you I am reaching critical mass fed up. In a rare, unself-centered way, I really deeply want Anthony to find that relief. Again, this is a rare feeling for me. I'm certainly grade A selfish at times.

But honestly, he can't just take any job. I mean, what does that solve? Go from one stupid job to another? In the process of ensuring we don't step backwards, I've been vetting out the right places worthy of his job application. This is a process like none other. You see, I always took the temp agency way out. Because that's how I roll. Anthony's different though. He thinks things out in a way I don't. I just assume I'm going to be my oddly energetic yet abbrasive self anywhere. Anthony actually wants a job that appreciates his specific personality types. So, as his personal assistant who seeks out possible positions, this has been an enraging process. Here are some of the job ads that sent me running because they make no sense to me.

Job Title: Motor Vehicle Operator

I know what this job title means... but it struck me as odd since most adults are motor vehicle operators and yet there's no paycheck associated with that! And yes, at first I was mad that I wasn't getting paid for the time I spend driving.

Title: Game day Ticket Seller
Status: Part Time

Primarily responsible for the processing of single ticket sales and distribution of Will Call tickets to patrons of Park. Often the first team representative to greet fans, ticket sellers must possess superior customer service skills in order to provide a positive first impression to patrons entering Park.

Um, wow. Ticket Seller? That title sounds like a 4 year old made it up. Something they would assume the cashier at the movies is called. "Mommy, we need to visit the Ticket Seller". Yeah. That stupid. A pathetic attempt to mask a pathetic job.

Anyway, confronted with vague, ultra specific, and conflicting job descriptions, I am calling it a day for now. Anthony can have his personal assistant back after I have a visit with Dr Jack and Professor Daniels. Whew.

Kim Kardashian takes to bashing "Teen mom" in a continued effort to be a worthless human being.

2011-01-20T11:05:57-04:00

"Oops, I accidentally made a strategically done sex tape and SOMEHOW it got out" has decided that she is the authority on teen pregnancy. Specifically, REALITY shows about teen pregnancy (funny, doesn't Kim have a reality show herself?). Kim Kardashian responds to a high teen pregnancy rate reported in a Memphis high school by bashing anyone who's procreated before Kim Kardashian feels appropriate. According to bimbo Kim Kardashian, it's Mtv's fault.

"It seems that shows like 'Teen Mom' are all of a sudden making teen pregnancy seem cool in the eyes of young girls..The kids from these shows are all over the news, even on the covers of magazines, and have been become almost like celebrities, but girls, these are not people you should idolize!"

Let's talk about people we shouldn't idolize starting with the Kardashians. Lets see, they have a reality show where they parade their shallow lifestyles and show off how they give NOTHING back to society. Kim Kardashian sluts it up on a daily basis and produced a sex tape "accidentally" making her a porn star. Having sex for money, THAT IS SOMETHING ONE SHOULD IDOLIZE? Better yet, idolizing someone who's uneducated and ditzy is somehow better than girls who found themselves in a difficult situation from one bad choice?

"When I think back to when I was 16, there is no way I would even have considered having a baby...That thought wouldn't even have entered my head. Having a baby is one one of the biggest, and most life-changing decisions a person can make and while I'm not saying that no teen is in the position to raise a child, having a baby so young shouldn't be seen as the trendy thing to do."

First of all, most of these girls aren't like, "gee, I want to get fat and have a kid". These are children who aren't responsible who make a poor decision and end up pregnant. Okay, unlike miss Kim Kardashian, some girls don't have the $$$ or loose morals to "take care" of an accidental pregnancy. Kim Kardashian has enough money, resources, and connections to make sure she never carries a pregnancy to term and no one has to know about it. These girls were dealt a difficult choice and they did what they had to in order to get through it. It's not an easy choice and not all these girls are willing to ride up to the local clinic for a dose of "removing fetal tissue". Some of us, myself included, have beliefs. I had both my kids before the age of 20. Was it "ideal"? No. But I am not the kind of person who pretends they are superior to such unplanned events while whoring around Hollywood. Kim Kardashian is.

Kim Kardashian is a prostitute. Plain and simple. Nothing about teen pregnancy or teen motherhood is glamorous. However, if Kim Kardashian can gain fame and fortune from selling herself, surely a teen mom can have the opportunity to bring home a paycheck for telling her story. Mtv is trying to show the true face of teen pregnancy while giving girls in a tough situation the chance to earn a decent living. God forbid those babies of the girls have diapers, bottles, or a mom who can afford the basics, right?

My message to Kim Kardashian?

Kim, you are a heartless, idiotic, tramp. Talk about things you know like make up, shopping, and being a slut. Please stay away from any topic that requires more than a couple of functioning brain cells. Leave the thinking for the smart people. Try reading a book that isn't a magazine.

My message to teen moms?

Tell other girls your story and reach out to younger girls. Let them know it doesn't have to be the way it was for you and be their friends. Teens WILL continue to have babies, but you can help it happen less and empower girls by sharing your story. I support you and feel you should have all the available resources to help you raise your babies. Go, MTV!

How does Britney Spears keep regenerating? Anyone else AMAZED yet?

2011-01-18T19:54:25-04:00

Let me preface this with stating, I have NO vocal or theatrical talent. I can sing ONE song without my voice cracking.So I have no right to dis, but I will anyway.

Anyway, how does Britney Spears keep regenerating? She's like a fricken alien who can regrow limbs and inflict mind control on the masses! She's had repeated career-ending disaster dramas, and yet, here she is. Newly minted single ready for that #1 spot. And dare I say, I will probably end up liking it.

Really, when she isn't marrying random losers, having kids, gaining and losing weight, getting into fights, being rushed to the hospital, crying, or having wardrobe malfunctions, the woman is churning out one hit after another. It's the ultimate slap in the face to Hollywood and the nation. Britney Spears dares you to challenge her not to have yet another comeback. (which comeback are we on by the way? 35?)

We're talking about a woman who SHAVED HER HEAD after a mental meltdown, then came back with an AWESOME album! Talk about a tortured artist. From television cameos to the red carpet, Britney Spears stays relevant while doing everything possible not to stay relevant. This must defy some natural law, no?

Well, one thing is for sure, every time Britney Spears makes yet another comeback, I feel like a total underachiever. The woman is NOT human.

The question on my mind right now is this: Why can't Lindsay Lohan make a comeback?

Appreciating my dad. Even though he infuriates me.

2011-01-11T15:09:18-04:00

My dad and I don't always get along. Honestly, since my age hit double digits, we spend more time arguing than any daughter would ever like to admit. However, no matter what we say or how much we yell and disagree, I will never question whether my dad cares. Ironically,the only reason we argue is because he cares and is desperate to protect me from life's failures and pain.

As I keep wishing for snow this year, I cannot help but to remember the snowstorm that hit when I was visiting my dad in Fredericksburg, VA. It wasn't even Fredericksburg, it was just outside that area. About 18 years ago, there was this crazy snowstorm that dumped feet, not inches on the area. I had happened to be visiting my dad for that weekend when it hit. Altogether, we weren't the prepared. I remember my dad worrying about having enough food in the house and deciding during the storm, we have to get food to eat from the Food Lion about a half mile away. It was snowing really hard and it was so deep, he couldn't back his small truck out.

Finally, my father comes to the conclusion that he's got to walk to the store in the snow. I want to go with him, even though he seems reluctant about that. (Look, I really like snow) For whatever reason, I'm allowed to come to the store with my dad. I remember walking for what seemed like forever, my short little legs struggling to match my dad's brisk pace. We picked up our usual wheat bread, cheddar cheese, spinach, and macaroni before heading back to the house. It felt like we were on an adventure.

That weekend, like many with my dad, we read CS Lewis books. We no doubt talked about random things and used our brains to creatively have fun. My dad probably made steamed spinach that we both ate and enjoyed. Perhaps we did watch a bit of television. I'm sure I got absorbed in reading by myself as I always would. Or watching the discovery channel. (I love documentaries!)

Unlike other weekends, I remember this one distinctively. Maybe because of the snow. I just know that whenever I feel like I couldn't be madder at my dad, I go back to this weekend and I suddenly feel love and compassion for him.

Sometimes when I think of how many dads are these days, I forget that mine is pretty special. He's there for one, unlike a big chunk of missing dads in this country. He'll risk me giving the silent treatment to him or not talking to him just to keep pushing me to succeed. Sometimes the pushing is irritating. Until I meet people who weren't "pushed" to meet expectations.

Today, sadly not everyday, I am appreciative of my dad.

Making the AZ shooting of Congresswoman Giffords about Sarah Palin and Fox News is disgraceful.

2011-01-10T10:26:01-04:00

Do I think the "crosshairs map" from Sarah Palin's campaigning was in poor taste? You betcha. Do I think it incited this shooter? NO FRICKEN WAY!

First of all, acting as if Sarah Palin invented poor choices in words is beyond ridiculous. Lots of people have used really bad metaphors in trying to get others motivated for their cause. (and lets not even start on Hollywood who glamorizes assassinations - protect your precious celebrities!) Who hasn't said, "rally the troops"? Does that mean I am inciting people to pick up weapons and go on a rampage? Please, it's a fricken metaphor.

Then it was the rush to blame conservative news outlets. Have any of you idiots even watched Glenn Beck? The man bursts into tears OFTEN, then talks about the founding fathers and ALWAYS denounces violence as a means to get heard. I've reviewed his most recent transcripts, and have viewed one or two of his shows around election time (I was bored). It's a soap opera of a history lesson and anecdotes. Bill O'Reilly? He's a pretty fair guy. Usually presents opposing views and then whips up the "you decide"!

You know what's really sad? On Saturday as this goes down, Fox News broadcast updates with minimal, if any, speculation into WHY this psycho did this. I went to MSNBC to see if they had more updates than Fox, and guess what? Already pinning it on the conservatives. Instead of mourning the losses, they already had the finger pointed. Didn't even print the facts like, this person lists one of his favorite books as communist manifesto... Please show me ONE conservative who even tolerates that book. Oh, or how about the fact that he's pissed off having to pay for school? In his YouTube videos, he was thought education was a free right. Something that recently, Glenn Beck and Rushie have been AGAINST. Look at this person's track record in general! He likely wasn't even pissed off at Congresswoman Giffords for a real political reason. He thought she was unintelligent and was really upset about literacy. Hello? I don't think this guy is a liberal either. I'm smart enough to understand a mentally unstable person from someone who's involved in politics. Are you?

My point is, the very biased liberal sheriff in Pima County has started a firestorm. Pointing a finger at people, whoa) like Gabby Giffords and b) haven't done anything but exercise their first amendment in a legal and non threatening way, is making this event about the wrong thing. People DIED. And the first thing you want to do is incriminate Sarah Palin who's not the brightest bulb, my grandparents and the TEA party movement, and Fox News? Watch Fox News. Seriously. Watch it objectively and fact check it. I DARE YOU.

Until then, please mourn the losses and stop blaming innocent people for something they are just as horrified and sad about. Blame the shooter because that's who pulled the trigger.

Stop asking kids what they want to be when they grow up.

2011-01-03T22:27:08-04:00

I'm just venting.. I'll be back to my silly self soon..

Seems to me there's like a .05% chance of it actually happening. Ever since I was a little kid, I wanted to be a business woman. I have no artistic talent, I'm not attractive, and I can't do super genius things. What I am good at involves goal setting, cost cutting, financial projections, and making businesses better when I leave them than when I first arrived. I'm enthusiastic over every penny saved. Over every single inefficiency eliminated with minimal risk. Over every single improved statistic. Yet, I am still stuck in idle. Getting props for being helpful while others gobble up my creativity...

When I ask my son what he wants to be when he grows up, he says he wants to go to space (Star Wars influence) or be a ninja. I tell him, "you can do it!" Even with the knowledge that only the smallest percentage of geniuses can ever make it into space. At least in the past 40 years. I don't ever tell him that with the budget deficit the US is running, they will be hard pressed to have any space program at all. He needs his dreams. Something that propels him to do well in school, to make good choices, and to remember that he has a goal he's working for.

Now that I am all grown up and allowing my son to dream big, I am starting to wonder if dreams are a BS move to get kids to not do drugs and stuff. Really. I feel like Neil Patrick Harris in Glee when he tells the Glee kids they will never achieve their dreams. The problem is, I don't have Mr. Shu to sing "Dream on" with me then give me his part in a community play. Not to mention, I cannot sing or act. Also, NPH makes even being a bitter loser seem so much more awesome. On me, it's another fat person who's cranky... And who hasn't SEEN THAT before?

Waiting to see the wisdom in all this...

Wine, anyone?

Why $5 a gallon (high gas price) is always bad for America and why greenies have this one wrong.

2010-12-28T16:45:06-04:00

From Ford.com - The Beautiful Fusion Hybrid

In 2012, gas prices could be $5 per gallon. At least according to a former Shell oil exec. The familiar doomsday oil price scare works whenever crude prices shoot up, as they are doing now. Shortly after the price fears are broadcast, the greenies come in with their cheers on how this is "good" for America. Really? It's "good"?

Sure, there are more and more gasoline sipping cars and even electric alternatives available. The downside? Middle class families cannot afford them. Even the cheap 40 mpg Ford Fiesta (it's pretty awesome though) comes with a bit of fine print. Only the manual version is that efficient, the "loaded" models are even less efficient, and it only seats 2 adults and 2 kids reasonably. For those of us with things and people to move, it's just not an option. Not to mention, not everyone can afford a brand new car payment with the increases in insurance that generally go with it. Sure, some of us have big SUVs. When it snows big time, as it has in about a 1/3 of the country so far this season, our big cars are safer. When we're in an accident with another larger vehicle, our odds of survival are better. In order to reap the safety benefits in a hybrid, you would need a mid-size or larger-size sedan like a Ford Fusion (which is an AMAZING car I wish I could afford). The issue? That hybrid starts in the lower to mid $30,000 range and costs more to insure than the regular Fusion. However, if you can afford it, it's GORGEOUS!

Last time gas prices shot up past $4 a gallon, it was an economic disaster. Everything from airline travel to food became more expensive. It likely turned what would have been a recession into a full blown depression. So why do some people think this is good? Because they think that by putting families into economic crisis, investors will be motivated to come up with new technology to reduce dependence on gasoline. Except that generally, it's not sweeping technology that hits all the industries that use gas. Airplanes still require crude. Many products we use require it too. And of course, our current vehicles most likely require it. Which means, if you're rich enough to afford that adaptation, this is a "good" thing. For the rest of us, I guess we'll just have to suffer the consequences.

Unfortunately, while I support green technologies, I cannot stand behind the economics of encouraging high gas prices. After all, I have a budget that's already affected by fuel prices. When green technology becomes AFFORDABLE for people like me (middle class), I will happily convert.

Spencer Reiss says in his article, "every extra penny you spend at the pump is an incentive for some aspiring energy mogul to find another fuel."

Well, Spence, I am sad that you are so entertained by hurting the middle class financially in nearly 10% unemployment. Apparently you didn't have your eyes on Houston, TX the last time prices went above $4 a gallon. What was once a city filled with jobs experienced MASSIVE layoffs. I'm glad you weren't in the trucking industry when you just barely broke even, making below minimum wage.

Pardon my French, but people cheering high gas prices are...

ASSHOLES.

Washington DC is snowless and boring today... ARGH!

2010-12-27T16:21:53-04:00

Our neighbors to the south got snow. Our neighbors out west also got snow. Our neighbors to the east? Yes, they too got snow. And of course... Our neighbors to the north got snow. Washongton DC? Totally cursed (or blessed if you are part of the local government here).

Sure, my Christmas was wonderful. Yes, I am totally griping for nothing. After all, I am at work and getting a lot of stuff done. But I wanted to play in the snow. Yeah, it's pretty selfish of me, but I want what I want.

Christmas was pretty sweet. Finally got me a replacement camera... Also went to a "White" Catholic Church with my "not-quite-white" husband. He of course noticed that something was off right away but couldn't quite place what it was. Either way, it doesn't matter if you go to an ultra exclusive, rich, Scottish church to celebrate Jesus birth. At least you celebrated, right?

This year, I am feeling especially grateful. After all, I can kiss my loved one goodnight and that's more than many folks have. Bummer, I know. But sometimes you have to look at the really sad stuff to realize how unsad your life is. Wow, the biggest gripe I have is not getting snow? I'm really blessed! :)