Terrified.
They will devour me
if i accept them!
The idea comes with a mental movie
Sliding down a dark chute
into the den of a pack of jackals
who jump on me hungrily
devouring me alive.

Sliding down a dark chute
into the den of a pack of jackals
bracing myself
to be eaten alive.

Nothing happens.
As my terror subsides
i notice the jackals
checking me out
smelling me out
curious.

They nudge me to relax
to trust them.
We know each other already
having spent years together
there is a certain familiarity.
No devouring alive.

As i relax,
they start to come closer
put a head into my lap
wanting some petting
wanting acceptance
love
and understanding.

The pack of jackals
assures me
they are there for me
to protect me
to support me.
I just need to listen
to learn their language
and stop running away
in fear.

The pack of jackals
surrounds me.
One is licking my face.
It’s still a little scary,
though more surprising.

A thought flies through my mind.
Another jackal!
The thought turns into a small jackal
running toward me
wanting to play.

In Nonviolent Communication our judgments and other self-talk is often portrayed as “jackals.” Today i relearned the lesson that these jackals are actually more supportive than i usually believe… Accepting them helps me accept all of me – something that i long to do to live in full integrity.

What i have learned through this is that – with a few exceptions – most of us cannot do this alone. And mainstream culture is set up for separation and isolation – the idea that we can do it by ourselves is so engrained in us that we don’t even notice it when we move into alternative realms. It’s a cultural trauma. With that discovery, i am even more interested in building a support network. I am not quite sure what it will look like. I am imagining something between my communal vision and resilience circles. Or maybe i will become a support pillar for those who seem to be able to do what i, so far at least, haven’t been able to do. For now, i am just letting things simmer and will share what bubbles up!

When i wrote about my experience before, i speculated about the impact of the rape on the rest of my life. I want to pick up that theme now because i have greater clarity. It has impacted me on a very deep level. The voices that had been there before – the ones that tell me that it’s my fault and that i am unlovable – were magnified through this experience. Especially, it’s my fault. And that happens even in twisted ways: Because i don’t love myself, i must be attracting men who don’t love me. It’s my fault. I am beginning to see the tragedy of holding onto this thought – and also mourn how we all are so deeply wounded that most of us, at least in Western society, loathe ourselves. Self-love is a rarity.

The other impact was less clear to me until today. I’ve been longing for acknowledgement of what i’ve been through, of what i have survived. I want some social care for all of our wounds. I was aghast that the court did not have a list of resources to give to people so that they could seek help if they become retraumatized. Apparently, they hadn’t even considered the possibility that it might be difficult for people who have experienced rape to sit in a court room that was about to tackle a rape case. I had known about the lack of care and compassion toward the victim, how she is exposed in court, if she decides to testify, in an attempt to blame her. What i had not understood was how this carelessness extends to the potential jurors. It’s a personal problem, not a social problem, seems to be the suggestion. Because it’s a personal problem, the court has no obligation to care for the jurors – not even by the minimal gesture of providing resources for help.

I long for a society that acknowledges our interdependence. That cares for the victims of violence – whether they are traditionally labeled victim or perpetrator, for a person who rapes is, too, a person in pain who has not learned what love and care is. And this longing is shaping my reactions to other groups. When i experience lack of care, lack of acknowledgement of interdependence, i leave – even when i am assured that things are otherwise. It’s instinctual and i have trouble articulating what precisely was an observation, what happened. I am also beginning to understand why i am in this disillusioned mess right now: The group where i last experienced this was supposedly studying nonviolence. Even there, i wasn’t safe, my wounded heart got rewounded.

The last lesson i learned reflecting on all this: I need to talk about it. I need to talk about my wounded heart. Yes, i have healed a lot. Most of the time, i am actually quite happy! And then i see how much my personal history has influenced me. The longing to be seen for what i’ve gone through doesn’t stop with the rape. It’s also the almost 20 year long divorce, being in and out of court – and the court not telling my ex “enough already!” There was no protection for me, no safety. Again and again it happened. I probably spent $250,000 on this. And that’s just on court costs. It does not include the many times i had to put myself back together again. Even as i write this, i am battling the idea that “time heals all wounds.” No, it doesn’t. Trauma cannot be healed if the underlying non-caring doesn’t change. The wounds open less often. They remain there, scarred – reopened without warning when charges are read in a court room, when i read about an ethics of care.

I am realizing that this is a fairly emotional & heavy post. I am still pretty raw – and i want to post this in its rawness. Because that, too, i learned: My reluctance to show my vulnerability, my rawness, my pain. That, too, is the mask: Hiding behind my put-together-self, not showing my scars.

Please also see Ian’s post on caring inspired by this post. He expands on my ideas in ways that are important for us to consider as we try to move toward a more caring world while being caring as we do so! We cannot create a caring world via means that are uncaring.

I realized then that i was still entangled in the cultural trauma of accomplishment: Unless we accomplish something, we are failures and unworthy of love and belonging (the ideas that trigger shame). The measure of accomplishment seems to be shifting for me – it’s no longer the amount of money i make (it never really was my measure), it’s no longer the number of readers i attract or how many people attend my workshops (the measure that seems to be more the standard in the non-corporate world). Now, the measure was a more illusive number of “admirers.” I wanted to do something big – like live without money! And then i would beat myself up for not doing it because there’s something in me stopping me. I admire people who live without money. And maybe that’s the way to go (though maybe figuring out how we can change our relationship to money is more realistic). Yet, i actually rather like some of the luxuries that money can buy me – like going to a folk dance class (well, okay, so my standard for luxury is already lowered). I would prefer living on as little money as possible without doing things i am not yet ready for. Living in a closet is one of those things.

As i was mulling all this over, i noticed more acceptance toward myself. And i noticed something else, something i’ve been reading a lot about as i am rediscovering Buddhism: Presence. As i was letting go of “i have to do something,” i could fully be here right now in the moment. Then it dawned on me: I was doing something! I am studying the impact of cultural trauma on my life. I am learning just how insidious it is: Even when we think we’re living in a counter-culture, we are being influenced by the messages from mainstream culture. I am only worthy if i am counter-culture enough – or things like that.

Now, i do think that things are pretty dire for us humans. We are facing several major challenges (catastrophes?) – global climate disruption, overconsumption, and overpopulation to name some of the major ones. We cannot continue living the way we are here in the United States. So, change is necessary – lounging in bed all day might not seem like it would contribute to that change. However, questioning that we have to accomplish something might. A lot of what we do or buy is supposed to show how accomplished we are: Look what car i can afford! If i give up wanting to accomplish, maybe i don’t buy a car or run that marathon. I could just walk out the door to the beach and watch a sunset. Maybe a new question for me is: Who would i be if i didn’t have to accomplish anything?

(Und an diejenigen, die sich Sorgen machen über meine Blogposts oder darüber, dass ich auf einmal auf Deutsch blogge, oder irgendeinen anderen Grund. Ich sehe, wo druch ich jetzt gehe also Wachstumsphase. Es ist zwar manchmal reichlich schmerzhaft, aber so ist die Geburt eines Kindes… Außerdem ist es oft so – wie mit dieser Blogpost – dass ich durchs Schreiben meine Schmerzen verarbeite und es mir nach dem Schreiben wesentlich besser geht… Mein Blog ist eben nach wie vor oft mehr ein Tagebuch… Es hilft mir manchmal, mich besser auszudrücken, wenn ich weiß, das irgendjemand das vielleicht liest). Ich freue mich, wenn Ihr mitlest, aber macht das bitte nur, wenn’s Spaß macht!)

Clearly, according to most ethical systems, including the one that has influenced the laws in the US, it is my duty, so i must go. I do not subscribe to an ethical system that is based on right/wrong and duty,
though. I subscribe to an ethics of care, as developed by Nel Noddings. Such a system looks at the totality of a situation, tries to understand what
went on when someone does something that hurts someone else, most importantly ethics of care brings empathy and compassion to decisions.

The judge also mentioned empathy. She said that the US court system tries to bring empathy to a case. Is that so? Well, what is empathy? According to Brené Brown, there are “four defining attributes of empathy: (a) to be able to see the world as others see it; (b) to be nonjudgmental; (c) to understand another person’s feelings; and (d) to communicate your understanding of that person’s feelings.” As a juror, i am supposed to decide the guilt or innocence of a person (i’ve been assigned to a criminal trial). That does not require that i empathize with them – understand why they did something. It requires the highest part of the human brain, as the video said, which was shown to us 45 minutes after our service began: Rational evaluation.

Aside from this, though, the primary issue i am struggling with is: What do i concretely do when i am asked to enforce a system that is purported as justice that i find deeply unjust. That system is enforcing order, not bringing justice. Maybe it would be most ethical for me to refuse to be on a jury?

Then i thought, though, well, if i were a defendant wouldn’t i want someone on the jury who thinks this order system sucks? So, maybe the most ethical thing for me to do is to say as little as possible during jury selection and hope i sneak through without having mentioned these ethical qualms. Would that be the most ethical?

What about my fellow jurors then? The jury deliberation would surely be slowed down by someone who questions the system rather than administering it. Would that be fair to them?

And, per the juror instructions, i am supposed to be unbiased (or as unbiased as i can be). If i question the system, i am biased for the defendant. Would that be an ethical problem?

Finally, what will i do when i am supposed to judge the guilt or innocence of the person when they clearly have done what they did and i can see how their circumstances lead to it? Is that innocence? Is that guilt? I cannot see myself calling anyone guilty. And yet what if they killed someone? That’s when i hit the brink wall: We need a new system, one that is truly just and this cannot happen if that system is imbedded in the
same injust system – supercapitalism
- that we currently live in. So, where does that leave me?

If i refuse to serve, i suspect i could face the dreaded fine or jail sentence. Then what? Well, i suppose i could muse on that bridge when i get there. Clearly, if i were to speak up and refuse – rather than hope that the attorneys ask me the questions to which my answers will very likely get me excused – this would be an act of civil disobedience. Am i ready for that? Would that be consistent with ethics of care?

I don’t have answers, so if you have ideas or would like to contribute by raising more questions, please share in the comments section below!