Radiation-Scarred Reviews

RIP James Arness (5/26/23 - 6/3/11)

2011-06-03T16:15:00.003-04:00

RIP Yvette Vickers

2011-05-02T19:32:00.002-04:00

Yvette Vickers, star of such films as ATTACK OF THE 50-FOOT WOMAN and ATTACK OF THE GIANT LEECHES, has died. Apparently, a year ago. Her body, upon being found, was described as "mummified." This is shameful that no one kept better tabs on her, for her to have laid dead in her house for a year.

May Eve

2011-04-30T08:13:00.003-04:00

Tonight, readers, is May Eve; otherwise known as Walpurgis Night. You know what that means?

I'm having a Paul Naschy mini-marathon, starting with THE WEREWOLF VS. THE VAMPIRE WOMAN, aka LA NOCHE DE WALPURGIS.

We're coming back!

2011-04-01T15:37:00.003-04:00

Greetings, readers, just a head's up (on a pole) that the review end of RSR is coming back as our webmaster, the Vault Master, puts things back together. So you get to re-experience classic reviews! Soon I'll be back reviewing new stuff...Lord knows I've got enough new stuff to review!

Going on Sabbatical

2011-03-22T07:52:00.003-04:00

After two and a half years (almost) of effectively doing nothing but write about movies, I'm feeling pretty burned out with horror. It's a rare event that I get to watch a film for pleasure, rather than analysis, and my hobby is definitely feeling like a chore.

So I'm taking a break. Radiation-Scarred Reviews is, in essence, closed for business until further notice.

Some news and a con report

2011-03-14T20:17:00.011-04:00

Greetings, readers. As some of you may have noticed, our new main review page, www.radiationscarredreviews.com, is down for the time being. Hopefully it'll be back in a day or two.

In cheerier news, I attended Monster Mania XVII this past weekend. I never got around to getting myself hooked up to the 'net while I was there, so no daily reports to be had. So, here's a quick recap:

Drove down Friday alone -- Dan was unable to join me. The roads around Cherry Hill are STILL god-awful. I think I circled the hotel three times trying to get into the parking lot. The first thing I saw upon stepping into the hotel was Kane Hodder shaking some hands.

Got myself settled, then met up with Jordan "Vaultmaster" Garren and our friend Greg. These two would be my most constant companions throughout the weekend. Friday was fairly low-key -- I met and got autographs from David Hedison, Jill Schoelen and Fred "The Hammer" Williamson, some drinking went on, dinner at the bar and a late-night snack at the "King of Pizza" down the street with Jes Karakashian -- friend, artist, Fright-Rags peon -- and her husband Tony.

Saturday morning, my girlfriend Gina and her parents came up to visit, and I was very pleased to be her guide for her first horror convention. We mostly laid low, visiting some friends and introducing her to them, and shopping. Oh, the shopping. I bought so many damn DVDs...Lloyd Kaufman, mastermind behind Troma Studios and creator of the Toxic Avenger, stopped in for a few hours and I was fortunate enough to get a chance to speak with him briefly and get his autograph. Saturday night we had dinner with Jordan and Greg, then back to their room for some Mystery Science Theater 3000 before heading down to catch a screening of NIGHT OF THE DEMONS. Alvin Alexis, star of the film, ended up sitting right next to Gina and laughing through the whole thing.

Sunday we woke up late (damn you, Daylight Savings Time), had a leisurely breakfast, took one last spin through the vendor's room to say our goodbyes, and I surprised Gina with a T-shirt with a Cyberman on it and a poster of a pop-art illustration of David Tennant as Dr. Who. Around noon, Gina set out for home and so did I. Using the restroom one last time before leaving the hotel, as I'm washing my hands I hear, "Hey -- aren't you Bill Adcock? I love Radiation-Scarred Reviews!" -- it's Geof Cappodanno from Enter the Man-Cave! What a place to meet...

Arriving home, I discovered to my chagrin that not everything I'd purchased at the con made it home with me -- three prints (The Blob and the Ghost Busters in the same style as the Dr. Who print I bought Gina, and a Godzilla illustration by Jeff Zornow), a custom sketch by Zornow, and the Toxic Avenger poster autographed by Lloyd Kaufman had been left on the bed in an envelope, and a call to the hotel brought me the news that they'd been thrown out. Damn!

My final haul in terms of loot from this convention is as follows:

DVDs
TerrorVision
The Wizard of Speed and Time
Rawhead Rex
The Crater Lake Monster
Frankenstein Meets the Space Monster
It Came From Beneath the Sea
Five Million Years to Earth
Godmonster of Indian Flats
There's Nothing Out There!
Santo vs. the She-Wolves
Radioactive Dreams
Demon Divas and the Lanes of Damnation
Mutant Hunt
Robot Holocaust
Elves
Nukie
Poultrygeist
Blades/Blood Hook/Zombie Island Massacre Triple Feature
Devilfish
The Day of the Triffids
Big Tits Zombie
Sons of Kong -- a ten-film boxed set of gorilla movies, most of which I already owned, but I found the "pop-up book" style DVD case irresistible.

Wearables
Bride of Re-Animator T-shirt (Fright-Rags)
Creature from the Black Lagoon wooden pendant
3 Troma buttons
"Ernest Borgnine Fan Club" button
Jurassic Park - Park Ranger iron-on patch
Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense iron-on patch
US Antarctic Research Team 1982 iron-on patch
Nautilus (Jules Verne) crewmember iron-on patch

Toys
The Fly bobblehead
Mezco Silent Screamer -- Dr. Caligari action figure
Mezco Silent Screamer -- Edison's Frankenstein action figure
Mezco Silent Screamer -- Knock (Nosferatu) action figure
Mezco Silent Screamer -- Jekyll and Hyde 1920 action figure

Autographs
David Hedison
Jill Schoelen
Fred "The Hammer" Williamson

And now, a few more pictures from this weekend...

Yes, that's Norman Reedus (BOONDOCK SAINTS, THE WALKING DEAD) holding a doll of himself.

My Acting Debut

2011-02-21T08:19:00.002-05:00

Yes readers, Bill here, with the news that not only have I been writing about cheesy low-budget monster movies, I actually had the opportunity to appear in one...SNOW SHARK: ANCIENT SNOW BEAST is filming right now in Lockport, NY, and upon visiting the set, yours truly was asked to step in and play the part of "Chuck," a chauvinist pig in a bar. A role of such nuance and variety, played by an actor of such versatility, such...you get the idea.

You can read my whole experience on the set of SNOW SHARK here. And if you want to chip in a few bucks to make SNOW SHARK the best snow shark movie it can be, you can do so at the IndieGoGo page.

RIP Tura Satana, 1938-2011

2011-02-06T11:44:00.001-05:00

The one thing you’ve got to remember is that you just never accept defeat. Remember to never let life get you down, because there is always something new to learn tomorrow. Life is to be lived, and lived well.” - Tura Satana (July 10, 1938 – February 4, 2011)

Tura and I, Chiller Theatre April 2010

Roger Corman

2011-01-22T15:05:00.001-05:00

hates letting me have money. Why else would he make such wildly entertaining films, if not to make me buy them?

Takin' a Vacation

2011-01-12T18:01:00.003-05:00

Hey readers, just letting y'all know I'm going out of town first thing tomorrow morning and won't be back until late afternoon on the 17th. I'm not bringing my laptop with me, so there will be no new reviews during this period.

Fight Scenes

2011-01-09T10:55:00.002-05:00

I went to see SEASON OF THE WITCH yesterday, and something struck me. What the hell has happened to fight scenes in movies?

Watch...hell, any action movie from the '80s or earlier, even into the '90s. You can see what happens! Every shot choreographed, filmed in real-time so you can follow the fight.

Watching SEASON OF THE WITCH, the fight scenes in the opening montage are in that goofy 300-style "slow everything down, then SPEED IT UP TO EMPHASIZE THE HITS!" combat. But the rest of the fights are presented via a series of lightning quick cuts - three seconds of Nicolas Cage hitting someone, three seconds of Ron Perlman hitting someone, three seconds of Cage getting hit and hit back, three seconds of Perlman...it's goddamn disorienting, and I'm sick of it.

Anybody else?

RIP Anne Francis, 1930-2011

2011-01-03T13:31:00.002-05:00

Good night, Alta.

Auld Lang Syne Part II

2011-01-01T13:29:00.002-05:00

So my grand tally for last night, between 6 pm and midnight, was RAW FORCE (an "I don't even fucking know what this is, but it's entertaining"), SAVAGE MAN, SAVAGE BEAST (A "Mondo" pseudo-documentary), WOMEN'S CAMP 119 (Italian Nazisploitation) and TORTURED ANGELS (A Hong Kong "Women in Prison" flick set in a girl's reform school). Not a bad way to ring in the new year, I'd say. And here's to 2011 being the year of Weird Movies!

***

So far today I've alphabetized my DVD collection, as well as going through it to pull out things I'm likely to never watch again and don't know why I own them. Seriously, what was I thinking when I bought NOT ANOTHER TEEN MOVIE? We have a set of shelving that used to hold the family's VHS collection for many years, now sitting empty, so I cleaned it up and moved the bulk of my collection into it. The shelves that used to hold a family of four's VHS tapes? Holds my DVD collection from A through HIDEOUS SUN DEMON. Then THE HIVE through THE RETURN OF SWAMP THING takes up a shelf I made a while back by duct-taping milk crates together, and ROBOT MONSTER through ZOMBIE STRIPPERS fills one side of my entertainment center. We'll see if I get motivated to do anything else today, because this was seriously almost four hours of work.

Should Old Acquaintance be Forgot...

2010-12-31T21:18:00.002-05:00

Happy New Year's readers. Nothing much going down at Casa del Saucerman tonight; keeping it rather low-key with a series of Grindhouse exploitation flicks.

Started off with RAW FORCE, aka KUNG FU CANNIBALS and...Wow. Yeah. That's about all I can say about this film -- it's insanely incoherent, with zombie samurai, cannibal monks, kung fu, a Hitler look-alike, and seemingly endless T&A. There was some sort of a plot, but damned if I could tell you what it is.

Next up was SAVAGE MAN, SAVAGE BEAST, a "mondo" nature documentary about animals killing each other, animals killing people, people killing animals, bizarre rituals from across the world (check out those guys jerking off in the river to make the animals downstream more fertile!) and naked, urinating hippies. Best of all, penguins having slap-fights.

Right now, I'm watching Bruno Mattei's Nazisploitation film WOMEN'S CAMP 119. I'm still fairly a novice to Nazisploitation, but this isn't too vile yet. Slightly marred by inescapable Dutch subtitles. Again, lots of T&A as women get experimented on.

I'll check in later with the rest of the evening's viewings. I hope to go until Midnight.

Baby it's cold outside...

2010-12-27T18:24:00.004-05:00

And I'm inside, enjoying the last hours of my Christmas vacation with a double feature. Watching THE THING FROM ANOTHER WORLD right now, gonna pop in THE CRAWLING EYE when it's over. Both cold weather films. I love the exchange of dialogue between Hendry and Nikki when they first re-acquaint.

***

My mother's Christmas present to me this year was a very much appreciated one. I've got a NIGHT OF THE CREEPS poster, 10 x 15 inches. It's been autographed by Tom Atkins, Fred Dekker, Jill Whitlow and Stephen Marshall -- as such I wanted it framed, and because of the odd size could never find a ready-made frame. My mother was kind enough to have the poster custom-framed by a local artisan. It came out beyond awesome, take a look:

***

So one of the simple joys, I think, of every B-movie fan's life is finding out about a title that sounds fun, but is unavailable. Seeking out a copy of the film, whether on bootleg DVD or tattered VHS, becomes a quest, a search for some lost gem. The seeking becomes almost as enjoyable as actually watching. One of my lost gems is 1971's OCTAMAN; a rehash of CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON, written and directed by the screenwriter of the original, Harry Essex. Never been able to find it through any of the bootleg sites I frequent, nobody at conventions had it (and most had never heard of it)...well, browsing through titles on Netflix's Instant Watch, I found it. I found OCTAMAN, and immediately gave it a watch. My synopsis and thoughts can be found here. It almost feels anticlimactic to have it on Netflix, like having it become so readily available invalidated my quest. Gee, thanks technology.

Anyways, that's it for me tonight. Talk to you later, peeps!

Two Years of Cinematic Sleaze and Cheese

2010-12-26T14:14:00.003-05:00

Greetings, readers. Two years ago today, I posted my very first review. Today, I re-covered it. Check it out:

Here's the original review.

And here's the new version.

Quite the difference, huh?

Best Yule Tidings to You, the Readers!

2010-12-24T14:27:00.007-05:00

Greetings, readers, Bill here with best wishes for Christmas, Festivus, Saturnalia, and whatever else you choose to celebrate this time of year. Some really amazing stuff has come to me courtesy my friends in the community already, and I wanted to share them with you (i.e., show off my goods).

First off, I got a card from Jenn over at Cavalcade of Perversions:

The, ahem, "lovely" Edith Massey (best known for her work with John Waters, i.e., PINK FLAMINGOS, POLYESTER, etc.) graces us with some unrestrained Christmas sensuality.

Then Jordan, the Vaultmaster over at the B-Movie Film Vault, sent a box that arrived on my doorstep this morning. A massive box. I knew Jordan had intended to send something, but I never imagined he'd send a gift of this magnitude:

Seven DVDs, four VHSes, three stickers, two booklets of coupons for Wendy's frosties, and a reversible Man-Thing poster. Whose swamp-muck physique may or may not incorporate a partridge AND a pear tree.

The flipside of the poster. I'm not sure which side I like better!

A closer look at the DVDs and stickers.

The VHSes. I really need to get me a VCR.

I'm sure I'll have more cool stuff to show in the coming days. Stay tuned and be jealous!

Some changes

2010-12-20T18:13:00.002-05:00

Greetings, readers, Bill here. It's been a while since I've touched this blog, hmm?

It occurred to me that, even if I'm doing reviews over at the new site, I shouldn't neglect this little corner of the 'net that's been my home for almost two years. So I'm going to use this spot as more of a blog, talking about what's going on, horror/B-grade-wise, in my life and some musing on film and horror in pop culture.

***

I'm sitting here watching CANNIBAL! THE MUSICAL and wondering if it would be in bad taste to make a CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST: THE MUSICAL.

***

So I haven't really talked about it here, but I do write for a couple other sites. Here are some recent pieces that I'm pretty proud of:

To Cast Out Fear: A look at the instinctual terrors in the film ALIEN. Part of an on-going tribute to Dan O'Bannon.
A Visit from Shub-Niggurath: A Yuletide parody. With apologies to H.P. Lovecraft and Clement C. Moore.
The Angel of the Bottomless Pit: An analysis of the beliefs of the Cthulhu Cult.

And over at B Through Z I've begun a column called "Classic Camp," in which I take a look at 1950s creature features.

The Tingler
The Mole People

***

Alright, I think that's it for me tonight. Talk to y'all later.

An Announcement, Part Deux

2010-11-07T12:58:00.002-05:00

Greetings, readers, Bill here with another announcement. Our new site, Radiation-Scarred Reviews, is now live, and the first review will be posted tonight.

After some thought, I decided against copying the entire archive here over to that site all at once. Over time, I'll work on copying the reviews I like best over to the new site, while older reviews, ones where I'm less satisfied with the writing, will over time be rewritten to my current standards.

An Announcement

2010-11-03T18:31:00.002-04:00

Greetings, readers, Bill here...as you may know, Radiation-Scarred Reviews has been on Blogger for close to two years now, with essentially the same look.

But it's time for a change.

In the very near future, I'll be moving all the reviews here to a new site, www.radiationscarredreviews.com (there's nothing there yet, don't bother checking it out), and making some cosmetic changes. Gone will be the retina-scorching lime green text on a black background, and you'll see more images associated with each review.

Keep an eye on this space for further updates.

Leprechaun In The Hood (2000)

2010-11-03T16:35:00.005-04:00

Greetings, readers, Bill here with a guest review from longtime reader, supporter and promoter of RSR (I think he's solely responsible for there being an enclave of fans in Portland), Mike Caputo, who recently viewed a film he found so astonishingly bad, it encouraged him to write a guest post for us here. As such, without further ado, I present his thoughts on 2000's LEPRECHAUN IN THE HOOD.

Spoilers ensue.

I was with some friends and I saw this VHS lying nearby. I knew of the Leprechaun series, though in fact I had never seen any of them before. According to Wikipedia, this is the 5th movie in the series and appears to take place between the 2nd and 3rd movies. Thinking that this movie would result in a few laughs, I popped it in. I had no idea what we were in for.

The movie begins with a gangster named Mac Daddy (played by Ice-T, apparently some sort of musician) and his cohort, stalking around some old building seeking a horde of treasure. Upon discovering a fake wall, they find their reward: a glittering pot of gold lying beneath a leprechaun statue. While the unnamed stooge starts scooping up the pile of jewels, Mac Daddy deliberately procures a single item: a small metallic flute. His gold-hungry friend removes a bejeweled amulet from the neck of the Leprechaun, whereupon it comes to life and kills him. Mac Daddy then battles the Leprechaun and re-imprisons it by getting the medallion around its neck once more.
The movie then fades out, and thenceforth follows three young men and aspiring rappers: Stray Bullet, the pragmatic tough; Butch, the science buff and awkward virgin; and Postmaster P (P for “positive”), a “good kid” rapper who wants to spread positivity through music.

In their quest for stardom, they hear of a big music event going on in Las Vegas, for which they need to audition. And for this they need money. After several failed attempts at pawning items, Stray Bullet convinces his reluctant comrades to rob Mac Daddy’s pad, knowing that he’s immensely wealthy. They break into his place – and behold, for no sensible reason, the Leprechaun statue is there, prominently displayed by his desk! Bedazzled, Butch removes the amulet and awakens the Leprechaun. Mac Daddy enters, calamity ensues, and our three burglars escape the scene.

The rest of the movie is the jumbled remnant of a script that has been blended into a plate of fish tacos and regurgitated by a diseased hyena. A racist hyena. The movie devolves into a really bad gangsta movie, replete with rap scenes, shootouts, bling, bitches, and plenty of N-bombs. The only non-African American characters in the movie are the Leprechaun (who is part monster, part racist portrayal of an Irishman), a store owner named Chow (a racist portrayal of a Chinese immigrant), and some white country slicker dude who is in the film for a 1-minute scene.

As I previously stated, I have not seen the previous Leprechaun movies, so maybe my expectations were unrealistic. I was expecting a typical puppet-horror film whose storyline involved the Leprechaun. But this movie was more about the three aspiring rappers and their battles with Mac Daddy after they robbed his house. He is trying to get back his flute – as is the Leprechaun.

No one seems to be bothered by the Leprechaun – a 3-foot tall (maybe?) man with a deformed face, a jaunty strut, and the archetypical green leprechaun outfit. Most people react only by calling him “ugly”, ignoring the fact that the creature is quite hideous, probably not human, and usually covered in the blood of some recently slain victim. People seem confused, but not shocked or frightened. And on a more realistic note, the audience is led to understand that our three protagonists reside in poor African-American neighborhoods. Even a normal white dude would get some strange looks walking around there, much less the living caricature that is this Leprechaun freak.

We are told little of the Leprechaun, nor are granted any insight into who or what it is. His motives and rationale are blurred, as is his origin. As far as this film is concerned (did I just call this abomination a film?), he is on a quest to recover his magic flute – which, when played – can lull people into a spaced-out stupor. During this time they are highly impressionable and can be lead to believe nearly anything. The rappers use it to make people think that their music is great so they can become famous. The Leprechaun – well, it’s never really explained why he wants it back so badly. He seems broadly interested in gold and riches, but for no discernible purpose. He seems to get on perfectly well without them.

In fact, he seems to get on extremely well: he has supernatural powers. At times, he kills people with various objects that he can find, such as a haircomb. Sometimes he uses his vaguely claw-like fists. More often, though, he uses telekinetic feats: he can rip your innards out with his mind. Literally. So if he can manipulate physical reality with his mind, his difficulty in defeating a few bungling rappers is inexplicable. And though he kills in the quest for his flute, at other times he seems to simply take enjoyment from it. In one scene, a beefy crossdresser* lures the Leprechaun into his room. Why he would wants to get busy with him, instead of being completely repulsed by this freakish creature, is never addressed. Just as confusingly, the Leprechaun waddles into the room without any indication that he knows what is going on. The following scene, as an experienced viewer might expect, is a faux sex scene. We are shown figures bouncing around on the bed and the cross-dresser moaning, but in fact he is being stabbed to death by the Leprechaun. Oh yes, what a delightful surprise.

What went on there? Why would a practical, muscle-clad black crossdresser lure a tiny freakish Leprechaun monster into his room? And why would the Leprechaun offer the viewer no indication of what is going through its mind? Why would it kill this man and rifle through his dresser in search of his flute? This scene, even amidst this putrid pile of a movie, stood out as a stinking, pulsing nucleus of incoherence.

Postmaster P is the “good guy” rapper who wants to spread a positive message. For me, he was the poster child for more community college funding: this was a smart guy who wanted to do good in the world, but apparently the opportunities were not there, so he resorted to trouble. Stray Bullet leads him into a world of money and violence. His friends both die in the course of the film, and his initially warm heart becomes more ruthless and greedy as the movie goes on.
Despite strong convictions in the beginning of the movie, he doesn’t seem to have the wherewithal to change course or realize that his life is getting pretty crazy. Maybe I impose myself too strongly into the film. If I were going about my life – with its usual daily trials of finding work, paying rent, seeking friendship – how would I react if I discovered a monster Leprechaun who comes to life from a stone statue and telekinetically kills people? I think I’d freak out. And after I’m done freaking out for a while, I’d re-evaluate pretty much most of reality as I previously understood it. I wouldn’t walk around with my friends as if that were a normal thing, having rap battles in churches. But maybe I’m weird. Because a normal person decides to actively engage this Leprechaun in order to keep a magical flute, which would make the user an amazing musician. Who knew! I need to get better guidance in life because I would have had it all wrong in this movie.

I’ll wrap this up (or RAP it up! Uagh!). After a series of trials during which both of his friends perish, Postmaster P defeats Mac Daddy and the Leprechaun, leaving him the master of the flute. End of movie, right? Well, the film pans in to one final scene. We all knew this was coming; I bemoanedly predicted it within the first 5 minutes of the film. The Leprechaun had to fucking rap. Yes, apparently Postmaster P has hit it big thanks to his Leprechaun manager, who ends the movie with some predictably obnoxious rap about being gangsta and being Irish and being a leprechaun and wanting gold. Yeah, we got it.

There is no explanation for this last scene. Why did he need the Leprechaun? Why would the Leprechaun obey him? Why would you willingly resurrect a being who, the last time you imprisoned him through sheer luck, was dedicating every calorie of expended energy toward ending your life? It made as much sense as the rest of the movie. I guess this movie was just a gimmick, a play on the series, and a plug for Ice-T. The movie was painful to watch and got decidedly worse as it went on. I’ll admit, as a 15-minute skit I might have found this amusing, but not a feature-length movie. The horror and violence was underdone, and the gangsta aspects were overdone. I’m really not sure what was their targeted demographic with this, but it wasn’t me. There is a lot of swearing and a sexual suggestion (I didn’t even get into the “zombie call girls” with this write-up. Please spare me.), but the humor was aimed at kids. I had a hard time imagining an age group that would appreciate this. But maybe I’m missing something crucial – maybe in order to truly understand, I need to watch all of the previous Leprechaun movies. If so, dear readers / please spare me that pain / I’d gouge out my peepers / and never be the same,

* I wanted to add a little note here about the crossdresser. I found a certain charm to him – he was the only character that I actually believed. Our trio came to his place, apparently as a safe house. Here in the middle of this ghetto is a flaming, brawny black guy, wearing a pink dress and flamboyant wig. But he was tough in dealing with the three kids, making sure that he was paid upfront. I thought to myself, “out of the insanity of this movie, I could actually imagine meeting this person in reality.” He was a pragmatic survivor, living in tough circumstances but on his own terms. I liked him.

Overall, Mike gives LEPRECHAUN IN THE HOOD (2000)...

ONE BARREL OF TOXIC WASTE.

The Monster Squad (1987)

2010-10-31T09:08:00.004-04:00

Greetings, readers, Bill here to wish you all a happy Halloween, and to point out a particular milestone: This marks the 400th review posted on Radiation-Scarred Reviews. We've come a long way. But enough self-congratulation, for Halloween there was a short list of films I felt it imperative I review; it needed to be something that truly fit the Halloween ethos, at least as I see it. It needed an element of fear, an element of fun...last year I covered ELVIRA, MISTRESS OF THE DARK. This year came down to a toss-up between two films, and this, Fred "NIGHT OF THE CREEPS" Dekker's monster mash-up, came out on top.

But enough build-up, on to the review. Spoilers follow.

1887. Van Helsing and a team of hunters have infiltrated Dracula's castle, intent on retrieving a mystic amulet before Dracula can make use of it.

They screw up, and get sucked into an endless vortex.

1987. Sean and Patrick, a pair of twelve year old kids, are getting chewed out by their Principal for drawing monsters in class. They soon meet up with the other members of their Monster Club; Horace, aka Fat Kid; Eugene, the youngest of the group; and the newest member, Rudy, a junior-high greaser-type, with a leather jacket and a cigarette, the newest member of the club (following his successful completion of the Monster Test). Also hanging around is Sean's five year old sister, Phoebe.

When Sean gets home, he finds that his mother bought Van Helsing's diary for him at a garage sale. She's also rather upset with Sean's father. They're supposed to be going to couple's counseling, but Sean's dad, a cop, has to work late. A man (Jon Gries, last seen around here in TERRORVISION) is in the precinct demanding to be locked up because he's a werewolf, and a two thousand year old mummy has disappeared from the museum. To top it all off, a "Mr. Alucard" is calling the house looking to buy Van Helsing's diary from Sean.

It's soon apparent that Dracula is back, and getting the band back together -- The Wolf Man, The Mummy, The Gill Man, and the Frankenstein's Monster. Sean realizes no one will ever believe them -- they have to deal with the monsters themselves. Monster Club just became Monster Squad.

Dracula sends the Frankenstein's Monster out to kill the kids and retrieve Van Helsing's diary, but Big Frank arrives at a time when the Squad are meeting with Scary German Guy, a normally-avoided old man in the neighborhood, to have the diary translated from German. It turns out the amulet is a balancing point between good and evil, and one night every 100 years, the the amulet, normally indestructible, becomes vulnerable. If Dracula can destroy the amulet, he can tip the balance of the universe in the favor of evil forever. The amulet next becomes vulnerable...tomorrow night!

Phoebe befriends the Frankenstein's Monster, and brings him into the Monster Squad on the side of good. Which is good, as Dracula has found the amulet! This calls for a montage...

The Squad gets the amulet, and struggles to hold off Dracula long enough to complete the ritual that will send Dracula to Limbo. But can a bunch of kids succeed where Van Helsing failed?

THE END!

What a fantastic film. According to Fred Dekker (I spoke with him briefly a couple months back, when he and Tom Atkins came to nearby Rochester for a quadruple-screening of THE FOG, HALLOWEEN 3, NIGHT OF THE CREEPS, and THE MONSTER SQUAD), the reason it works so well is that it's not written with a demographic in mind, and thus has broad-spectrum appeal. Also, the only reason he was able to make it was because at the time, Universal didn't think the Classic Monsters had any appeal.

As I told Fred Dekker at the show, it's the little touches that make these films for me: A scene of Frankenstein's Monster looking wistfully at a Halloween mask in his own image, and, gesturing at his own face, asking, "Scary?" hits the viewer pretty hard, as does the realization that Scary German Guy is a survivor of the concentration camps.

The make-up is fantastic, the Gill Man being my favorite variation on the fish-man theme outside of the Creature from the Black Lagoon. Additionally, the Wolf Man is made to look a little like Stan Winston.

Final Analysis: A great Halloween film for the entire family, THE MONSTER SQUAD is an absolute treat. See it. And remember, there's only one way to kill a werewolf -- Kick 'im in the nards!

Overall, I give THE MONSTER SQUAD (1987)...

FIVE BARRELS OF TOXIC WASTE.

The Vampire Bat (1933)

2010-10-29T09:02:00.004-04:00

Greetings, readers, Bill here. Having the day off work, when I woke up I flipped through the channels and found that Turner Classic Movies is showing non-stop classic horror films through Halloween. I'd been meaning to cover this one for a while now, and since it was coming on...well, it's time has come.

Spoilers ensue.

Strange deaths are plaguing the village of Kleinschloss, the victims mysteriously drained of blood. The burgomeister (Lionel Belmore, last seen around here as the burgomeister in FRANKENSTEIN) is convinced that the murders are the work of a vampire, and the other village elders share his opinion. Police Inspector Karl Brettschneider is, however, skeptical of this notion, convinced that there is rather a human murderer on the loose.

Dr. Von Niemann (Lionel Atwill, last seen around these parts in SON OF FRANKENSTEIN) is on hand, examining the corpses and offering his assistance to Inspector Brettschneider, as Brettschneider is dating Von Niemann's assistant, Ruth (Fay Wray!).

The townspeople, meanwhile, convince themselves that local village simpleton Herman (Dwight Frye, last seen around these parts in DRACULA) is the vampire, since he's out at all hours of the night, never bathes or works but always appears well-fed, and has a fondness for bats. He's eventually hounded to his death by the townspeople. Unfortunately for them, this does not stop the "vampire" attacks.

It is soon revealed that Von Niemann is the real "vampire" -- the "fang marks" are from the needles, hooked to suction hoses, which he uses to drain his victims of blood. He is using the blood to feed a pulsating blob of synthetic flesh, kept alive in an aquarium tank. Ruth having stumbled upon his secret, he intends to feed her blood to the blob. Fortunately for her, Brettschneider has figured out what Von Niemann is up to...

THE END!

Now that was cool. A very early "scientific-horror" amidst the gothic chillers of the 1930s, it also comes across as something of a throw-back to the early American horrors of the 1920s, such as PHANTOM OF THE OPERA and the now-lost LONDON AFTER MIDNIGHT, in which the supernatural is explained away as mortal human agency.

A Poverty Row cheapie from Majestic Pictures, it was largely filmed at night on Universal's "European Village" set, while the interior of Von Niemann's house is the set from THE OLD DARK HOUSE. The film actually ends up having an almost expressionist, CALIGARI vibe to it.

Atwill steals the show with his grave, stentorian performance as the mad doctor, in a part that would ultimately foreshadow the twilight of his career -- a sex scandal in 1943 resulting in an unofficial blacklisting from major studios, forcing Atwill to find work on Poverty Row.

Dwight Frye likewise stands out, though his performance is largely a dumbed-down repeat of his Renfield act from DRACULA. Fay Wray is not given much to work with, and Melvyn Douglas is adequate, though not particularly stand-out, as the skeptical inspector.

Final Analysis: A dreamy little fright-flick with some big names on a small set. It's in the public domain, so check it out.

Overall, I give THE VAMPIRE BAT (1933)...

THREE BARRELS OF TOXIC WASTE.

Six-String Samurai (1998)

2010-10-28T19:01:00.003-04:00

Greetings, readers, Bill here, and very, very pleased to finally be able to write this review. I have had a HELL of a time getting this one to come through Netflix. Long wait, short wait, when I finally get it the disc is cracked and unplayable...but I think I finally have it, ready to play. THat being said, on to the review.

Spoilers follow.

The worst fears of the 1950s have come true. In 1957, the Russkies dropped the atomic bomb on America, and invaded. The last bastion of freedom is "Lost Vegas," a mystical rock 'n' rollin' kingdom that stands for hope, liberty, hip-swingin' and guitar-strummin'. Elvis Presley is King of Lost Vegas.

At least until he croaks. Now every hard-rockin' hipster in North America must travel to Lost Vegas for the coronation of a new king.

Enter Buddy, a mysterious, bespectacled figure carrying a guitar and a sword. By his side (though not by his choice) is The Kid, a kid whose life he saves before the opening credits even finish rolling. Buddy is crossing the Great American Wasteland to reach Lost Vegas and claim the fallen crown of the King.

Along the way, he has to survive encounters with murderous bowlers, modern primitives, rival rock and rollers (including the Red Elvises, the band who scored the film), Soviet occupiers, cannibal TV-worshippers, and even the Grim Reaper and his long-haired cronies, who are wiping out every other possible claimant of the American Throne.

Can Buddy become King and defeat Death?

THE END?

That was trippy. The video game "Fallout" meets THE BUDDY HOLLY STORY and ENTER THE DRAGON in a dark alley. Though in a fairly wholesome and innocent way, SIX-STRING SAMURAI is fairly bloodless, and only garnered a PG-13 rating.

Death's pursuit of Buddy and merciless slaughter of other rock and rollers along the way (including a Ritchie Valens lookalike) to succeed Elvis Presley forms something of a parable of the history of Rock and Roll, and it's successor -- Heavy Metal. With his long hair, black leather ensemble and top hat, Death bears more than a passing resemblance to Slash from Guns 'N Roses.

There's not a huge amount of plot getting in the way of the film, which is essentially one big action sequence punctuated by brief moments of character development, as Buddy eventually grows to accept The Kid's presence. As an homage to classic martial arts flicks, it works though. We have the lone hero sawing his way through literally hundreds of enemy combatants with only a sword -- what's more classic chambara than that?

It's also a film with a sense of humor. We're dropped too quickly into the premise to question it, and then the film has fun with it. Everyone fights with swords, knives, and clubs because bullets ran out in 1957. Debates rage over guitars and cars, and the various enemies have a silliness to them, though for the most part without losing their edge.

Final Analysis: An almost-unclassifiable tribute to rock and roll and kung fu movies, SIX-STRING SAMURAI is hip, imaginative, and most importantly, fun. And check out that soundtrack! The Red Elvises are swingin'!

Overall, I give SIX-STRING SAMURAI (1998)...

FOUR BARRELS OF TOXIC WASTE.

Gamera the Brave (2006)

2010-10-27T19:03:00.004-04:00

Greetings, readers, Bill with something special for you tonight. As I've mentioned in the past, Godzilla has three eras: Showa (1954-1975), Heisei (1984-1995) and Millennium (1999-2004). But did you know that Gamera has similar eras? The first era stretches from 1965 to 1980, the second from 1995 to 1999, and the third era, the Millennium, encompasses just a single film thusfar: 2006's GAMERA THE BRAVE. It is this most recent film that we're watching tonight.

Spoilers ensue.

Meet Gamera, giant flying fire-breathing, fire-eating turtle monster who is friend to children everywhere. In 1973, while fighting a trio of nightmarish bat-monsters, the Gyaos, Gamera realizes that there is only one way to save humanity: Sacrificing himself, Gamera detonates, the resulting explosion obliterating the Gyaos.

Fast forward to the present. Meet Toru, a young boy living with his father after his mother's death. Both Toru and his father are struggling to come to grips with her passing. A winking red light on a nearby spit of rock catches Toru's attention one day at the beach. Swimming out to it, he finds a perfectly spherical egg sitting on a glowing red stone. Picking the egg up, it hatches; out comes a tiny turtle. He takes the turtle home, and names it "Toto."

Soon, Toto is growing larger, and manifesting strange abilities, such as flight. Turtles might be nature's suction cup, but they don't normally fly. Still, Toru is skeptical of the possibility that Toto might be a new Gamera. More than skeptical; he refuses to believe the possibility exists.

However, the appearance of a new monster, the spiny, lizard-like Zedus, reveals the truth. Enlarging to 8 meters tall and sprouting tusks, Toto reveals himself to be the new Gamera. Despite the size difference, he challenges Zedus...and is soundly beaten.

There is good news, though, as Toto finds the glowing red stone his egg sat on; upon eating the rock, he reaches his full Gamera potential; growing to nearly match Zedus in size, and gaining the ability to breathe fireballs. But will it be enough to save humanity from Zedus?

THE END?

That was nice. Very much a throw-back to the "Friend of Children" Gamera of old, rather than the "Incinerator of Children" found in the gritty '90s reboot. However, this "Friend of Children" theme is handled much more maturely and thoughtfully than it was in the 60s and 70s. Gone are the days of Gamera playfully racing children in submarines; GAMERA THE BRAVE explores themes of loss, grief, and reliance from a child's perspective.

This is NOT your standard kaiju flick. The monster battle scenes aren't great, but they're also not what the film is about. It's about Toru's emotional growth in the wake of his mother's passing. Gamera enters the picture largely as a way to, if you'll pardon the pun, bring Toru out of his shell. Upon witnessing Toto/Gamera's hatching, Toru takes it upon himself to become a parent to the tiny chelonian, essentially filling the hole his mother left himself.

The suitwork is excellent, as I've come to expect from modern Japanese kaiju flicks, and tastefully augmented with little touches of CGI. Toto/Gamera maintains a nice balance of classic Gamera flavor while still being recognizably juvenile -- a disproportionately large head (compare to the smaller skull of GAMERA 3), very large eyes with distinct whites, irises and pupils, and a smaller, recessed jaw. Much like Mickey Mouse's evolution from the ratty, mean-spirited "Steamboat Willie" to the modern harmless corporate mascot, this neotenous Gamera is disarming, friendly, inducing affection and laughter in adult humans (i.e., ticket-buyers).

Zedus is unimpressive on his own, but fits nicely amidst the line-up of classic Gamera villains such as Barugon, Jiger, Gyaos, and Zigra. Amusingly, the film does contain a veiled reference to Guiron, the strangest of Gamera's original enemies, in the image of a butcher's knife falling towards the infant Toto.

Final Analysis: A stunningly thoughtful and warm-hearted film, GAMERA THE BRAVE is nominally a kid's movie, without talking down to them and without neglecting the adults in the audience.

Overall, I give GAMERA THE BRAVE (2006)...

FOUR BARRELS OF TOXIC WASTE.