RADical Adventures

RADical moments

noreply@blogger.com (Unspeakable Joy) — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 03:00:00 +0000

I haven't blogged, mostly because I feel heard, supported, and most importantly UNDERSTOOD by trauma mamas I've connected with from Orlando. I heart Orlando.
But just because I went to Orlando doesn't mean our lives are no longer RADical. I mean, we live in an RV. We have 400 square feet of RADical. We have 24/7/365 of RADical. I just whine about it less, on my blog anyway.

Recent moments:

☹ May I just say I should not have to buy diapers we're out of because 1) he's 9 and 2) we've stayed at Walmarts (in the RV) the last few nights so we literally LIVE there & he's not mentioned it each time we go in & shop?! Argh!

♥ My daughter was acting really weird and I started to poke fun, remembered that's not nice, and realized she was feeling love! So I've been singing about how much she really loves love she just is afraid of loving love and she's saying noooooo but smiling and singing too.

♥ Guess what?!!! I'm the "yes-sayer!" I've always been quick to say no. Mom always told us no before we could even ask and I tend to to the same. Lately I've been REALLY focusing on saying yes. My son wanted something and asked me first, I said, yes. He said "Yes! I knew you'd say yes, because you're the yes-sayer"! LOVE! :)

☹ Why why why why cant I remember to expect trouble?! We move *ahem* very often so we always have a transition day of general badness and I expect it. This time we were busy on moving day and loved exploring (we're in the middle of nowhere in the desert) then had visitors the next day so I let my guard down. Ugh! The day after was our crap day and it took me by surprise, again. Halfway through, we both say ohhhhhh that's why they're insane today. Argh!

Find a (RADical) Friend!

noreply@blogger.com (Unspeakable Joy) — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 03:00:00 +0000

Check out what Diana at Gold to Refine is developing! Find a Friend is a network to help parents of traumatized or otherwise special needs children find each other in real life.

More info: http://goldtorefine.blogspot.com/2012/01/find-friend-update.html

RAD resources

noreply@blogger.com (Unspeakable Joy) — Sun, 25 Sep 2011 21:00:00 +0000

Help! I want ONE place to send to RAD moms who need help and hope.

I want a good all-inclusive list for RAD info, but that's hard! Here's what I've compiled so far, but I want to shorten it to one place and better info.
PLEASE POST ANY SUGGESTIONS!

Christine's videos are wonderful and very honest AND let you laugh so I'd start there. I think the sites are informative, but have found the best support on other blogs of moms who get it.

Christine is a great trauma mama. welcometomybrain.net
MUST SEE Videos: youtube.com/profile?user=christinemoers
("What you do with pee" is the BEST!)

The only books that really helped us (but only after we saw a video and really got it). The brain function info is helpful, although this approach is a struggle with our normal, and our RADicals' history of not trusting.
beyondconsequences.com

Info about Orlando, a gathering for trauma mamas that is amazing. I highly recommend it.
watchingthewaters.com/2010/08/what-is-orlando-all-about.html

Sites with RAD info:
attach.org
attachmentdisorder.net
radkid.org

Definition of RAD:
Definition of RAD in our home.
Wikipedia's definition of RAD.
Great article for teachers and others dealing with our RADical kids.

Good post:
blessedby10.blogspot.com/2010/04/so-you-want-to-adopt-through-foster.html

Some RAD blogs:
goldtorefine.blogspot.com
reactiveattachmentdisorderlife.blogspot.com
mommyneedstherapy.blogspot.com
stellarparenting.com
my-rad-life.blogspot.com

AGAIN PLEASE POST ANY SUGGESTIONS TO MAKE THIS SHORT, SWEET, BUT HELPFUL, THANKS!

Ten ways to support a RAD mom

noreply@blogger.com (Unspeakable Joy) — Wed, 24 Aug 2011 18:09:00 +0000

I came across this article on a RAD moms group and love it! Thought you might too.
http://adoption.families.com/blog/ten-ways-to-support-to-a-rad-mom

I haven't posted here forever! But I realize it's probably because of said RAD moms group. It's been so helpful to have supportive people who get it as close as my keyboard!

Orlando

noreply@blogger.com (Unspeakable Joy) — Sun, 24 Apr 2011 21:11:00 +0000

When you hear Orlando in "normal" circles, you think Disney World. When you hear it in RADical circles, it's said with the same awe, but means something else. I can't link you to a specific website that says this is Orlando, because Orlando is bigger than that. It's some kind of gooey cloud of support and love that floats around covering different people in different ways. Yes, that's a bit of a cop-out because it's just that hard to describe! Read this post and those below for other descriptions.
In short, Orlando is a weekend for just trauma mamas called SOUL Sisters (Supporting Our Unconventional Lives). Mostly moms of kids with early trauma and attachment issues (aka RADicals, like ours).
In long, Orlando is amazing. Yes, I realize that's actually shorter. It's not just what you do there, or who you meet there, or what you learn there, it's just BEING THERE.
Being with 68 women who actually live in your shoes. People who understand better than the best therapist ever could and don't care what you say, because they're saying it too. Hearing conversations that start with "The first time my son tried to kill me" and not being surprised. Having conversations where you tell people what your REAL life is like, and not holding back for fear of shocking them. Never saying "we're fine thanks" because they'd know that was a lie and also because they actually want to know. Hearing stories that make you so appreciative of how far your kids have come, and others that give you hope of how far they can go, and others that remind you that you're so not ready to adopt any more!
It was also a refreshing getaway. I slept in, stayed in my jammies, took hour long showers, and read til the wee hours. I took lots of mental notes and just soaked in how other moms deal with kids, situations, and feelings. I heard great new ideas and ways to handle them. I was reminded that I do a lot of things right, and even more wrong, but greatly encouraged because I DO them.
Did you catch that?
These moms thought I was awesome just because I do them.
Most people have no idea that I do them.
Can you imagine? I honestly wish every single one of you could. For the FIRST time ever, I felt fully loved, respected, appreciated, and encouraged by people other than my husband who fully understand what it's like to live with RAD.
I also got to meet RADical moms I've read about for years. Christine, Lisa, Ali, and so so so many more. Well, 67 more. 67 more amazing women who are rock stars for even SURVIVING RAD, let alone helping their kids to heal. And the theme of the weekend? I am not alone. I'm not! You're not! I have a rock that says so and a Supergirl ring to remind me AND now a MAP OF OTHER TRAUMA MAMAS! (That map is both encouraging and heartbreaking. So much hurt all over the map.)
There's so much more, tattoos, pedicures, hooping, table dancing, laughing, crying, watching others run a 5k (while eating, in my jammies)... but you just had to be there. I thank Corey and Christine from the bottom of my RADical heart for letting me be there, at the last minute, and I pray I can go again next year!
Most of the group after a Greek dinner, during which most of us danced on tables at some point.
My amazing housemates after the Greek dinner.
Our house on the last day. I wish they all had RVs and we did a RADical caravan around the country!
More pics from the Orlando Flickr group (these pics shamelessly lifted from there).

More Orlando posts (oh my, so many!):
The Waggoners

Kristine

Mighty Isis
Sarah

Beemommy

Christine of WelcomeToMyBrain.net (another and another)
Corey - Saturday
Corey - Friday
Corey - Advance party
Ali
Roz
Storing Up Treasures (and again)

Mothering for Money
Marty's Musings
Ranch Chico
The Accidental Mommy
Story of Our Life
Sarah
Our Fab Five
Christina
The Short Bus
The Other Mother
CORoots
Mothering for Money
Peace in Puzzles (another and another)
Mama Drama
Stellar Parenting (another)

My Sweeter Chaos

Why North Dakota

Lisa
Sarah
GB's Mom
Brandy
Last Mom
Diana
Tiruba Tuba
With Love From Sumy
Stacey
D
Jamey (another and another)

Attachment parenting?

noreply@blogger.com (Unspeakable Joy) — Thu, 24 Feb 2011 01:01:00 +0000

First of all, I think these parents are 100% correct and actually love what they're doing and admit this post is motivated completely by jealousy on my part...
With that out of the way, does anyone else get annoyed with normal people who do attachment parenting? Don't get me wrong, I love that they do, just not that they call it that. I want to scream that's simply parenting! That's how it should be! (Granted, it is quite different than much of today's normal parenting but they're already attached!)
I get that they're using great principles and increasing attachment (and aware of doing so) and doing it to a new level even and that they rock, but if you have attachment, it's sooooo different than trying to get attachment. If there's no RAD, trauma, or the many, many other issues that make trying to get attachment so um, insane, well, that's just good parenting! That's easy! (As easy as parenting is, which it isn't, but it's not trauma parenting!) But that's what so many of us would like to go back in time and get, to attach from the beginning and not have to fight so hard for it.
Is that horrible? That's okay, it's my blog. But does anyone else get annoyed with it? Does anyone else want to say dump your baby out of that sling, give him to someone else to abuse for a few years, THEN see if you can do it? I know, that IS horrible.
And see, total jealousy on my part, I know. I guess selfishly I'm saying I do what you do, but mine is way, way harder. Wahh, what a baby. :)

I get to go to Orlando!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Unspeakable Joy) — Tue, 22 Feb 2011 23:40:00 +0000

Oh my word! I get to go to Orlando next weekend!!! I'm still in shock! I saw Christine post on Twitter about coming to Orlando and just asked about her schedule, because we're currently near Orlando and I hoped to say hi. THEN I realized that she's coming for THE Orlando getaway that I had already written off last year thinking we wouldn't still be in Florida in March. Well, thanks to my procrastination of an event that I pushed back to later in March, I'm IN Florida, near Orlando, available, AND Christine had an opening in her house! (There are many houses this year!)
So, all of a sudden, I get to have a RADical weekend with many other RADical moms! How exciting is that?
Who else is going?? More info on Orlando here!
And here is my roommate! http://ramblingsofatraumamamma.blogspot.com/
And THAT Lisa from Life in the Grateful House?! And Ali from Crawford Life & Times?! And a new RVing family I'd heard about?!
I'm seriously freaking out here!

Poor neocortex

noreply@blogger.com (Unspeakable Joy) — Tue, 15 Feb 2011 05:39:00 +0000

Ever start reading a book & it says this function (that your child
needs) happens in the neocortex and you think "aw crap, well count
mine out?!" Then you remember that's WHY you're reading the book &
just wonder if it's worth your time? Me either. Cause that would stink.
Sometimes I think brain transplant is really the best answer. Not a
good one, granted, just the best one...

Hmmm

noreply@blogger.com (Unspeakable Joy) — Mon, 07 Feb 2011 04:57:00 +0000

Ever have one of those days (weeks... months... years...) where you
feel like saying screw the attaching, I just want obedience? Ever
sometimes think maybe heartless robots aren't so bad? Like yeah I may
not have a relationship with them later, but at least they'd behave
now? Or yeah they obey out of fear but at least they obey?
Yeah, I've totally never felt that way, ever. Really. Just thought
maybe some of you other trauma mamas have. *sigh*

We're fine!

noreply@blogger.com (Unspeakable Joy) — Thu, 13 Jan 2011 04:48:00 +0000

I did it! I did it! I did it! "I'm fine, thanks." Well the idea anyway. Saw some (wonderful!) RVing families and as I teased (to moms getting little sleep) that with adopting ours we didn't have to deal with sleepless nights, someone said "Ah, and they probably were already potty trained too!" To which I simply said "No, I wish, but no." BUT I didn't elaborate! I didn't tell them that pee is STILL the bane of my existence even now, 5 years later with kids that soooooo should be past peeing. I didn't say that yes, my first was potty trained at 2, setting me up for the torturous next gazillion pee years of my life. I didn't say my kids have more issues than you can count, oh woe is me! I didn't say anything! I also didn't bow, so I will now... *bows*

Yay!

noreply@blogger.com (Unspeakable Joy) — Fri, 07 Jan 2011 07:32:00 +0000

I did not yell ONCE today. *bows* AND I had a migraine AND the kids were being loud (AND don't forget we live in a small space) BUT I didn't yell. AND my daughter asked if we could have a sleepover together soon, just the two of us. :)
I know some of you are great at staying regulated and couldn't imagine yelling at anyone, but I'm, well, not. But I'm working on it... and it's actually getting much easier... thank goodness!

She loves!

noreply@blogger.com (Unspeakable Joy) — Fri, 07 Jan 2011 00:27:00 +0000

We (hubby & I only) took a 3 day road trip & left the kids to be happily spoiled by the grands. They had a ball of course, but I noticed Em being happier than usual to see us & even clingy. Tonight she sat at the table eating a piece of cake & said...
Dad, I've decided something. I like living in an RV. It's cozy & close & we're more together & I like that.
My heart swelled & my jaw did NOT drop (that was hard). I helped her put words to it & said that sounds like you're feeling love & you like it. THEN before she could (would) object & play the "No I hate love" game, I said & you like sugar too isn't this cake yummy?
Score: 1 for everyone tonight!

RADical times

noreply@blogger.com (Unspeakable Joy) — Sat, 18 Dec 2010 18:58:00 +0000

We're still here and working on loving patience and all that crap I stink at. We're missing therapy, and I can tell because I tend to run off at the mouth every time we meet people instead of saying "we're fine, thanks." I need to get better at that and save my whining for specific people (those poor people!) and blogging and not bogging down your every day person with stuff they can't relate to in any way. It doesn't help them, and makes me look completely crazy, so I'll practice...
"We're fine, thanks."
"We're fine, thanks."
"We're fine, thanks."
"We're fine, thanks."
"We're fine, thanks."
"We're fine, thanks."

We still LOVE life on the road, even when it's RADical, it's awesome. It's odd that despite the frustrations of the RADical daily stuff, there's just no stress, no schedules, no worries. We still have work, trying to figure where to go next, trying to help the kids get along, and the "normal" family stuff, plus the RADical stuff, but living outside the box of "this is how life should be" is AMAZING and so, so us.

Love, at our house

noreply@blogger.com (Unspeakable Joy) — Sat, 18 Dec 2010 16:55:00 +0000

This is Em, feeling love. She gets giddy & crazy & tries to deny it, but I know. And while it's a bit annoying, I'm happy she does feel it. :) Anyone one else have complete chaos the minute love is felt??

One of those days?

noreply@blogger.com (Unspeakable Joy) — Tue, 16 Nov 2010 20:31:00 +0000

Ever have one of those where your supportive husband just throws all
your research & energy spent trying to understand what your RADicals
need out the door saying we can't give them what they need, so let's
just use what we have & teach them they have to work through their
problems? No, consequences don't work, but we can't be the parents
they need, so let's just pile on more consequences? (Surely that will
work??)
They do need structure and a work ethic but I don't think we can force
it on them. Hasn't worked yet. Despite all the leaps & bounds of
improvement & attaching, yes, let's just give up & do what we 100%
know doesn't work. Cause that makes more sense than trying to be the
parents they need. Argh!

My RADical cried!

noreply@blogger.com (Unspeakable Joy) — Tue, 09 Nov 2010 06:20:00 +0000

Our Em cried! When we recently told the kids we’d be getting the dog back, Em actually cried tears of joy! Big deal? Yeah, first time ever! She doesn’t cry tears of sad, let alone joy, but she was so happy, and I was in shock! Of course I did what I was supposed to do and put words to her feelings to help her understand and she said noooo, these are not tears, I’m not crying, I don’t cry! But I just smiled and cried too, and not about the dog!!
We've been on the road for 6 months and LOVE it still. Can't imagine stopping and living in the same place. I can tell I miss therapy though, because I feel the need to tell people my kids are not normal and let me tell you my pain... That tells me I haven't posted on this blog for a while!
While life in general is awesome, we still have (I'm sure always will have) RADical issues that drive us insane. When I'm properly regulated, I'm ready, respond well, and life is easy(ish). That just doesn't happen quite as often as I'd like. I get lazy, I get tired, then I get over it and remember it's harder on them than me. Geez it must be awful on them then, shew!
Em's still doing well with Niacin. I can easily tell when she's not taken it. It didn't help Mr at all, but I'm trying him on L-Theanine again and upping the dose. He need something because he's just always out of control. And an out of control boy with a coordination disorder is just a disaster waiting to happen, that happens often!

Niacin is still my very good friend

noreply@blogger.com (Unspeakable Joy) — Sat, 18 Sep 2010 04:04:00 +0000

The Niacin trial is definitely going well for Em. No effect at all on Mr, I've given up on that. But for Em, she's confident, bolder, able to laugh at herself, sweet, borderline cuddly at times, and just more fun to be around. And I can tell in a second if she's forgotten to take it in the morning. Like today! They were all playing a board game and she wasn't doing well and got all pouty and cried! I said did you forget? She said yep.
I'm trying (it's hard) not to say "ah, you forgot your medicine" cause Dad is super worried they'll get that message ingrained: Take drugs to feel better. And with their background including lots of family drug use, and their very addictive tendencies, it's a risk I'm sure. So I'm not sure how to say that, but the minute I know she hasn't taken it, I want her to! Yeah, I need to chill and be all calm and present, but my head just screams FIX IT! FIX IT!
Ah, but the point is the Niacin is really helping. Let's focus on that shall we?

The case of the missing undies

noreply@blogger.com (Unspeakable Joy) — Sat, 18 Sep 2010 04:00:00 +0000

A THIRD pair of Em’s undies have gone missing. I’m sooooooo sooooooo tired of pee issues. I say that kinda often don't I? With her, I can’t say for sure, but seems she’s up to her tricks of hiding or throwing away her wet undies. One pair I MIGHT have left at a laundry, but I’m super super careful not to. But three now? When you only have enough for two weeks, it gets to be important. And Mr peed on 3 different sheets this WEEK plus pillowcases and blankets and I sooooooooo want the pee to stop!!! Somebody make it stop!

I hate pee

noreply@blogger.com (Unspeakable Joy) — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 08:01:00 +0000

I don't care the reasoning, the cause, the subconscious, how I should respond, or even the stinky laundry piling up, I just hate pee. I do, I hate it. I'm tired of it, tired of cleaning it, hate it.
My 10 year old, you know, the one I just bragged about (and stupidly breathed easier about), the one WITHOUT the plastic sheet (cause I expect it from the 8 year old but I should have guessed), she woke up completely soaked with no idea why. It's pee dear. And it's because I had hope, just fyi.
Do you know how to clean a thin foam mattress? Cause I don't. Guess I'll be learning in the morning if I indeed get out of bed, which I'm considering not doing now.

I love you Niacin

noreply@blogger.com (Unspeakable Joy) — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 19:04:00 +0000

A week into our trial with Niacin, and I'm a believer! Em's taking it and is a DIFFERENT person, in a good way. We don't really do medicine, so I've resisted, but I about gave up caring, so I tried and wow. She loves it too. It takes the edge off and lets her feel normal! She doesn't cry and freak at the simplest question.
Now it did NOT help Mr at all. I'm going to try Theanine for him. Niacin is more for depression/shame and Theanine is to reduce mental stress, so I'm hoping it'll help Mr chill out. I might even try it. I need to chill out.
The reason I remembered to share it is she didn't take hers this morning and has been crying about the game they're playing and giving a big woe is me pity party for herself. Then I asked a simple question and she launched into her defense (and it was just did you get out the cereal?). I said did you take your medicine this morning? She said oh, no. Take it, take it quick! :) She did and is back to playing normally now. And the boys are even being mean!
But she's been loving (even toward ME!), she's let loose much more than usual, she's laughed at her mistakes without crying, she isn't scared of her own shadow, she doesn't even freak if I ask a question quickly. Once I had to hurry her out the door and she simply hurried!! She's just been FUN!
Anyway, not a magic pill of course, as Christine reminds, but it's helping her and I wanted to share. I didn't think it'd work this well, so I'm happy!

Niacin trial, wish us luck! (And make suggestions if you'd like!)

noreply@blogger.com (Unspeakable Joy) — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 06:46:00 +0000

We're not having major issues, but we're just banging our heads against the walls over the minor ones, that feel major when it's all day every day.
Em is a perfectionist and at the first sign of imperfection, she melts then can't think straight. She's so disappointed (that she won't earn our love, which we try in vain to freely give) in herself, that she can't make any logical decisions. It's not raging or lying or anything destructive (so I suppose I should be thankful) but it's sooooooo annoying and has to be hard on her. If I ask a question too sharply or quickly, her brain snaps and you can actually see it. She tries so hard to figure out what I want her to say/do/think when I just want her actual answer.
If I lovingly say psst, Em, what would you like for dinner tonight? She'd come up with something.
If I appear upset, am upset, or ask too quickly, Em! What do you want for dinner? She'll stumble, I um, don't know, what do you, I mean, what, um, what dinner, when, ah, whaaaaaaaa... tears tears and shaking.
I get it, and I try, but sometimes I just want to know her opinion for dinner without all the drama or super careful question planning!
She's also so hyper alert when it comes to me, you know, the mom who tries to love her. At church I was rubbing her neck/hair and could see that she'd visibly relax WHEN I STOPPED! Both boys would relax, lean into it, keep moving if I stopped, etc. But not Em, too scary. Get that love stuff outta here.
So I'm wondering if Niacin will help? I read about Niacin on Christine's blog and bought some tonight. I don't know, but just wonder if it will help with her feeling like she has to be perfect. I know that has to come from fear/shame/something, and I know if she doesn't quit doing it, I'll be tempted to quit caring about it! I'm not sure about the boys. Mr does similar melt downs with questions, but he doesn't have the perfection issues. He just can't handle pressure of any type! But he's about ODD and ADD mixed with coordination problems and low self esteem, so an accident happening (not waiting to happen)! Not sure if Niacin will help him or not. Thoughts?
I also want to try Theanine (recommended by our AT), especially for the boys too. From wikipedia: "Theanine has been shown to reduce mental and physical stress, and improves cognition and mood in a synergistic manner with caffeine."
The reducing mental stress and improving cognition sounds helpful here! Has anyone tried Theanine?? Would love your input!

Still here, which is now in Oregon, still RADical

noreply@blogger.com (Unspeakable Joy) — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 04:38:00 +0000

I haven't posted in forever, and I can tell, because every person I meet I feel like dumping on our entire story so they UNDERSTAND. That tells me I'm not getting it out and processing like I should. Oops. It's also been too hard to call the AT and work on therapy that way because of our lack of reliable cell service. So *I* definitely realize that *I* am in need of therapy. The kids yeah, always, but me me me too! Boy that once a week reminder really kept me focused on THEM and not ME. It's SO easy to feel all woe is me when I'm not focused on them. And BOY am I all woe is me lately! And apparently I have a thing for CAPS tonight too.
Living and traveling in the RV has been WONDERFUL! We all really love it and have seen amazing places. Physically the kids are doing so well, loving, learning, exploring, just digging every new place. We're all pretty well adjusted to living in a small space that moves often. Now it's just back to the NORMAL un-normal stuff that's so frustrating.
Peeing on sheets is not cool when you have to go to laundromats. Having to be super careful not to ask a question too fast or her brain shuts down is not cool. Her worrying because dinner is at a different time than last night and she might starve to death is not cool. His tendency to always do the opposite of what he should is very not cool. I know it's wrong, but I've heard myself telling him Tell your brain to shut up when it starts telling you to do stupid things! Her crying at any tough question, because she can't be perfect and thus earn a place with us forever, is driving me insane!
They've come such a long way and it's great to look back, very encouraging. But when I look ahead and see how far they have to go, ugh. Discouraging!
Of course the other day I was *this* close to saying Screw it, let them work it out in therapy when they're adults and just settle for raising them, not the rest of the emotional stuff. But that day I decided to pretend to be Ma. Yes, from Little House, just a softly spoken word, no yelling or scolding, and we had a FABULOUS day! So, as long as I'm not myself, we might make it through. :p I know that's what they need, soft encouraging acceptance, I just wish that was my nature!! But I'm working on it. Gotta get it all blogged out, that'll help me. There, now I feel better, thanks!
Until the morning when our last sheet is peed on, but that's another day...

Pee will be the death of me

noreply@blogger.com (Unspeakable Joy) — Wed, 16 Jun 2010 15:45:00 +0000

i can see the headlines now, and hear the talk: it's just a little inconvenient, why did pee send her over the edge? i know it's ridiculous and the illogical behavior, seemingly unwarranted fear, the drama, the lies should really bug me more, but no, it's the pee. after 4 years, i'm just so ready to be done with pee. with 8 and 10 year olds, it's just time for me to stop dealing with diapers and wet sheets. past time. way past time.
when you live in an RV, and have exactly 14 undies so everyone has two weeks of happy days with clean undies, 2 missing pairs makes this mom suspect the old tricks resurfacing. maybe they're just hidden under something, or they fell behind something, but my (possibly traumatic) history of pee tells me she's had accidents and thrown them away to hide it. again. and maybe not, but they don't seem to be here after hours of looking, and with a laundry trip not scheduled yet and no undies, it's not super convenient.
i'm so so so so so so tired of pee.

Shew, RADical adjustment time here!

noreply@blogger.com (Unspeakable Joy) — Fri, 21 May 2010 01:48:00 +0000

just a rant, don't fix me, it's annoying and rarely helpful. i've been a very poor RADical mom and they've been rotten little RADical kids, oh my! we're all still adjusting to life on the road, but the physical part is nothing. we're fine, having fun, plenty of room, lots to do, having a GREAT time, but at the same time it's a mental chaotic place that is no fun! dad and i are grouchy because the kids are grouchy, or vice versa, but it's hard to tell. they're being so mean to each other, fighting, being defiant, spacing out, making just stupid choices, and i KNOW we're all adjusting, but it's so hard to be patient!
every morning i wake up and resolve to be pleasant and nice, and first thing they do is something super mean, or super insane, and my mind shorts out. just like theirs, i get it. i know it's a transition and all their security is gone and they're freaked out whether they know it or not. i just wish that didn't make them do stupid things. why can't they just be depressed or cold or turn green? it's exhausting with all the seemingly unrelated stupid things that all come from their state of mind. i get it, i understand it, i'm just tired of it! i'm sure they are to, but this is my blog.
em doesn't know you need to rinse the dishes, mr can't find any socks, but won't look in his sock drawer. their eating is regressing and they look like toddlers at the table. em's having HUGE perfectionism issues. crying if she misses any "test" she thinks we're giving her. the other day i (very pleasantly after a very pleasant time together) said do you want to wear shorts or jeans hiking? she wouldn't decide and started to cry! i was so confused! as it made us late of course i wasn't patient which made her cry more. she finally said she didn't know which one i wanted her to choose and didn't want to choose the wrong one and get in trouble. i said i didn't care which one, so there was NO way she could choose wrong, unless she didn't choose! and somehow she managed to pick that one! i can understand if i was in a hurry or had yelled earlier, but it was out of nowhere. she's that scared to make a wrong choice. and while i get it, i'm SO tired of it! we love on her and assure her there's nothing she can do to make us stop. we point out the boys aren't perfect (they oddly enjoy that) and we love them, but she just won't get it. and i get why her brain won't get it, but i'm tired of it! of course i won't, but i feel like saying fine, then i don't love you, you're not perfect enough for me to love you, so now you can relax and be yourself for once! i KNOW i'd like the real her, if she'd just show it. of course as mentally chaotic as it's been, i'm sure it'll be a long time before she will. she's come a long way, but it sure feels like back to square one right now.
mr has a new "look" that just drives me crazy seeing it. like he's so confused about what he could possibly have done wrong. i honestly hate that look. not sure where it came from, but it's new, and very annoying. as soon as he does it, it's the sure sign that he's lying. and boy has he been pulling doozies lately, ugh. he's my finally attached little sweetheart, that's just being a big weenie!
both of them try to figure out what i really mean when i keep life SO simple for them. i'm very specific, pick up that blue pen on the table. and em starts to shake and looks around trying to figure out why i might need the pen or where else the pen could be and has an audible "ahh" like she's going to explode when all i want is exactly what i just said. i never give choices or am vague, but they always guess what else i could possibly mean, to ASSURE they get in trouble, when all they have to do is exactly what i say, which i make easy. ugh!
and really worst of all i think, our "normal" kid cj has really turned on them both. though that started long before we left. formerly loving, kind, giving, he's just a mean, hateful, selfish, little brat, all the time. we've dug into that too and he's very resentful of the "special" attention the other two have gotten, because they're broken. like going to therapy is fun?! he feels like we love them more and they don't get in trouble as much (course they feel the same!) but i hate the him vs. them feeling. it's awful. and no matter how much time with him, special privileges, time with daddy, he just doesn't ease up. he's super selfish and is always manipulating or bullying them. and when i talk to him, he does this sad baby act that oozes with selfishness. it breaks my heart because i can just see mean in his heart, not sadness like he's acting. i can see through it and it's just ugly. i'm scared it won't go away.
no, worst of all is i know i set the tone and i'm sucking that up really bad right now. i have a big work project deadline, very little internet so far which has really killed my productivity for that, and just lots of stress as we started out. but the more i focus on just being calm and fun, the more they just do stupid things that drive me crazy. and dad is great, he's been taking them all over so i can work in peace. but as soon as they get home, it's just back to the fighting and mean and acting stupid.
and JUST NOW of course i get an email from bryan post and read this:
"We all know that these adopted kids just need to be loved, but we are then left to try and figure out just how to get to and keep that place of love in our hearts when these little darlings show the dark side of their trauma histories. "
yep, that's me! i've forgotten. better go listen...
(and thank you for listening! now i'll go be a better mom, shew, needed that rant...)

if you want to follow our adventures

noreply@blogger.com (Unspeakable Joy) — Sat, 08 May 2010 07:38:00 +0000

i post our normal family stuff without any RADical references on our family blog. i don't want references or names or links to this blog from there, because i want the kids to not feel like they have a label attached to them. i don't know if it matters because they DO have a RAD label attached! but *i* need this blog to be able to share (vent) about RADical issues with others who GET it. i can tell i haven't been posting here for a while, because i feel mad that people don't understand that my kids have issues. when i find myself wanting to say "i know you can't see it, but i'm not crazy, my kids are" then i know *i* need therapy. unfair. but so is them having to live with it, so i'll deal.

so our blog is at ww w dot lun dy 5 dot com. squish that all together, i didn't want it searchable.

and yes, there life is good and we have no RADical moments. wouldn't that be cool? please respect the kids' pretend normalness there, but i wanted to share our journey with you all. thanks!