This school year, I went through a phase where had 2 week crushes one after another. And if anything did start happening, I immediately made some sort of excuse as to why I didn’t like them anymore and moved on.

Now I know why none of my relationships worked out. Because I felt, deep down inside, that I wasn’t worthy of love. There’s no way someone would be interested in me, right? This manifested into bad attempts at romantic relationships. There was always a part of me that didn’t fully trust or allow somebody into my life. I EFT tapped on it and a boatload of heavy emotional fears popped up into my consciousness.

Brad Yate’s videos have been a huge help to me. They helped me discover many blocks to self love that I hadn’t even known about. If you have any problems romantic, or otherwise, I definitely recommend that you check him out.

Through osmosis, it seems, I started changing into a different person just by watching her. And she didn’t do anything out of the ordinary. All she did was be herself, with her honesty and acceptance of life. She added a natural flair of humor to almost everything she said. Canadian flags, the flag of her home country, were ‘subtly’ posted everywhere. By the middle of sophomore year, I spent mornings, math class, lunch, and after school with her. For once in my life, I felt like there was an adult I could genuinely trust with all facets of myself, even parts that I had deemed too ugly for others to see. I knew her responses wouldn’t be canned answers that every authority figure is ‘supposed’ to say. She said what she thought and told the truth unabashedly.

The first two years of high school were filled with dark and depressive times, the sort of stuff you watch in indie films about teenagers coming of age. I was on the receiving end of racist comments. My friends even created a calendar of the pants I wore everyday. The irrational part of my brain told me that I deserve it – that’s why everyone’s making fun of me. Finally, after hearing a derogatory, racist comment once again, the floodgates of hell burst open and tears swam down my face like baby ducks racing towards their mother. A friend escorted me into our teacher’s classroom and I unleashed all of the events that transpired along with my painful, pent up feelings. She told me it’s okay to feel upset, it’s okay to feel angry. For once, someone told me that my feelings are valuable. I don’t have to just suck it up and pretend as if I’m happy.

I discovered that I had someone I could confide in, about anything. And I never realized what a difference that would make. Slowly, I started letting go of inhibitions during everyday interactions and became more spontaneous. I felt more comfortable with my friends so I spoke to them with an open mind and heart. I think they could sense that because people began approaching me more often. A zany and zealous side of me emerged. Daily life became more fun. Because someone acknowledged my self-worth by honoring my feelings and treating me with respect, I started seeing value in myself.

            Mrs. McKenzie, a woman I’m eternally grateful for, helped catapult my personal growth and watched me blossom into the gregarious person I am today.

That’s why I’m not tense about fluctuating electoral votes which my hall mates are simultaneously screaming and cheering about in the lounge right now.

We can look to a president to ‘fix an economy’, ‘give us rights’, ‘designate medical care’, but can they really?

The Economy

Is the economy even a real thing? Is money even a real thing? If you examine closely, a dollar has no value except for the arbitrary value that humans put on it. In this ‘economy’ we’re looking to fix a broken system. We’re killing the environment for the sake of being productive with the excuse of “providing people with jobs.” I’m not saying that jobs are bad nor that homelessness is fun (though it could be). I’m not suggesting that people live on the streets. I’m suggesting that we come to value each other more than these lines we draw –the homeless aren’t provided with shelter because they don’t have cash/ starving people aren’t given leftovers from the abundance of food from corporations because it doesn’t make ‘financial sense’.

Rights

How about this ‘giving us rights’ business? ‘Rights’ are the words written on paper in ‘official legal documentation’ (How is it official? Because we all agree it’s official) and enforced by judges and juries and people in uniform. Even if a right is made legal, the real root of the problem lies in the mindset of the people. If people don’t agree, even after the law is passed, fights and conflict ensure where ‘people gain victory over one another’. It’s a form of separation. We can use external factors to try and force people to think a certain way but real change doesn’t happen until the collective consciousness shifts.

Medical Care

Can the right medical care save us all?

We need to take responsibility for our own health by examining everyday choices. The health of the America cannot be repaired by being given the best savings on pills, surgeries, and shots. Perhaps on a more microscopic level, we need to examine our radiation exposure, the pesticides we’re eating, the cancer-causing chemicals present in our personal care products, our everyday stress levels, etc. It’s cumulative. The damage caused by toxic foods and chemicals present in our personal care items, things used every single day, possibly multiple times a day, are covered up by misleading studies conducted by the very corporations that sell them. It’s harder to gage the effect of small choices. Lifestyles would need to change. So we point the finger and tell the government to take responsibility for us.

The Truth is

Once people discover the amazing, extraordinary power they hold, they’ll realize that their problems can’t be solved by external factors because the foundation which they’re built upon creates a vicious, never-ending cycle. 

We, the people, hold all of the power.

It’s also my first time home in 3 weeks. Hello much needed sleep!!

My classes this trimester:

• Physics with Advanced Topics
• AP Calculus
• Developmental Biology
• Climate Change Biology
• Classical Mythology
• Japanese Study (an independent course I’m doing with my Japanese teacher; it’s basically Advanced Japanese)

I’m also on the Varsity tennis team, a Sustainability position leader, Asian Cultures Club officer, and Eating local foods club officer. Whew, I’m wiped out. In contrast with my fabulous, carefree, reconnecting with the Divine summer, going back to school has been rough. My schedule has been filled to the brim, like a medium-sized mug under the “large cup” setting in a Keurig. I’m am passionate about everything I do, I just… need to take more regular breathers, I guess.

Many graduates of SSM* say that college is actually much easier. It gets better. Well, unless you’re planning on going to MIT, or something.

Other than school, I’m just going through and constantly relearning to enjoy the journey of Life. I’m still uncovering those unsavory parts of myself and learning to love them for being exactly the way they are. I’m listening to people and making more enjoyable and genuine relationships. I’m making jokes, eating fruit, and being my quirky self throughout it all. How are you?

*School of Science and Math

Tumblr

Recently, I deleted my tumblr. It’s this semi-exclusive social network people extensively use at my school. Lots of angst, and lots of funny GIFs. But, I decided I didn’t exactly like reading everyone’s secrets online. It wasn’t worth the stress the network imparted. I didn’t like posting either… I’d rather tell friends my worldview than have them read about it.

Friends + Art

A few of my friends came over during the beginning of the summer. We threw a makeshift wedding at my neighbor’s dock and made a veil out of brown packaging. I caught the bouquet y’all! So I’ll be the next to get married out of the group. Considering our age and who was there, it could be in a long, considerable length of years.

I also went back to my school to paint an art mural. The last art mural was painted back in the 1980s so I’m really glad I got the chance the paint the next one. It turned out beautifully. The wall and I spent many, many dedicated hours side by side this school year. It’s miraculous we finished the whole thing. I’ll update with a picture when I get a hold of one.

Fourth of July consisted of a neighborhood barbecure, and a firework spark attacking my brother’s arm (it actually wasn’t his fault). We’ve been using out trusty aloe vera plant to help heal his burn and it’s been working quite well.

Asian people have also come over. Kids somehow related to a branch of my family, whether it be children of a long lost co-worker or my uncle’s friends. After living with 600 teenagers 24/7 (with only once a month breaks at most), I’ve become much more comfortable being around people in general. Whooo, social skills. Raise the roof.

College

Next week I’m going on College Tours. DUN DUN DUNNN. I’m mostly looking at a few Ivys and small liberal arts colleges up north. My thoughts on college? If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you can probably tell that I’m not a huge proponent of standard public education to say the least. Yes, I’ll be applying to a few colleges. Will I actually attend any of said colleges? Errr, I’m not sure. I plan on taking a gap year, much to my parent’s dismay. People tell me to “do something productive do something constructive” during the gap year. While I might do something “constructive,” I don’t think it is necessary. I’ve been going to school for 13 freakin years. If I want to take a year off to goof around, think about life, and have some serious fun while I’m young, I don’t think that should be controversial or unacceptable. *le sigh*. Anyways, I’m still working out some feelings, releasing on different branches of the topic. I don’t have any concrete plans so to what I’ll do, but I’m going to take things as they come. Meaning, doing what feels best for me as I arrive, moment by moment.

Busting Loose

For radicalturtle, sometimes I’ll sit down to write only to stop halfway… because something feels stilted, blocked, or off. Despite the low number of posts in recent months on radicalturtle, I feel as if I’ve grown monumentally in the past year. A few weeks ago, I read “Busting Loose From the Business Game,” and it was a huge game changer for me. It’s not only about Busting Loose from the business game, but the emotions game, the health game, etc. I’m definitely planning on applying “the process” to my schoolwork. It not only gets two thumbs up from me, but also two buns up (as in hair).

School was… that’s another post. Nothing is inherently good or bad, but Smath definitely gets caught in this eclectic ball of love and hatred, raging emotions and sleep deprivation for me. Next school year, I’m planning on taking a different approach to my studies and general life there. Too much stress and intensity associated with the past school year. Intensity is welcome… just not again in the way it panned out.

I’ve been blogging for what? About 2 years. Since the end of freshman year.

Wow.

I’ve just changed so much as a person, from inside out. I feel more loving, peaceful, happy. I’ve grown a couple of inches, and my cheeks, though still round, are starting to puncture and mature. I’m strangely becoming less and less attached to results and whatever happens in my outer-world. I’m still in a place of growth and expansion and I can feel myself letting go more and more everyday. Sinking more deeply  into Permeating Peace and True Joy.

Summer Camp

Oh yeah! I almost forgot to mention…. I’m going to Not Back to School Camp! It’s run and hosted my Grace Lledyln, author of “The Teenage Liberation Handbook!” I’m excited for the new type of people I’ll be meeting, and seeing what I can learn from them. Not to mention having a kick ass time! It’s basically a summer camp based on teenage anarchy. Instead of going to China, I’ve decided to go to Oregon.

I do learn much from my peers at Smath… they’re brilliant, talented and amazing. We can have the best conversations. But truthfully, if you’re at Smath you engage in BS. Whether it’s writing papers with flowery language and opinions you don’t actually believe, or smiling to the system and then turning around to break their rules (There are so many rules it’s hard not to break them… unless you want to live a soulless life in your room).

I’m looking forward to spending a week with radically honest people who live their ideology even if it’s not popular among most circles. Smath tries to portray itself as a perfect haven for the most intelligent students in the state. It gets so much publicity, hype and people fawning over the school. But they do not know how downright miserable many of it’s top students feel, the fact that people sneak onto roofs and into opposite sex dorms, or the overbearing authority of the school administration.

People who critically think can see how flawed the traditional systems are. Many go along with it, convincing themselves higher education is the only route. Unschoolers see beyond it, and decide to go a different path.

If I had to peg a time period, I would choose 14 years old. That’s when I started exploring and questioning everything around me. And slowly, as I began to read and look around myself with a newfound clarity, I realized that all of my beliefs were completely and utterly false.

Healthy food, the concept of time, hard work, and the moral integrity of our government are only a few things that were turned upside down. Fat is actually good for you, there is no time, hard work isn’t necessary, and the government hides many, many things from it’s people.

The twine has unraveled.

—-
Above is a poem I wrote for my creative writing class. I’ve never really written poetry before, unless you count the assignments in elementary and middle school (I don’t). I have to turn in a portfolio of my writing as the final, and one of the requirements is that I publish my work and get feedback from people outside of the class. So, if you have any thoughts about the piece, tell me what they are! Besides the fact that I need to take a screenshot to prove that other people read my work, I’m also curious as to what you guys think. All opinions are welcome! (srsly)

Days 3-7

Day 8

•  carrot + avocado (doesn’t juice well) + asparagus + celery + cucumber + tomato + apple + pomegranate + berries (raspberries, blueberries, blackberries, strawberries)
• 3 small bowls of fruit
• 3 bowls of salad + spriluna + sunflower seeds
• 2 bananas
• 1 avocado

Ate a bit too much for my liking today… I did a 15 minute ab workout with… Let’s call her Barry. She’s actually the uber awesome one I mentioned earlier. I went into her bedroom late at night yesterday and talked to her about my insecurities about my body image. She’s the president of the body beautiful club so I thought hey, maybe I could talk to her. An amazing thing happened. She opened up to me about her insecurities too, gave me advice, and told me some of the kindest words I’ve heard in a while. Tears streamed down my cheeks and I embraced her.

Day 9

• Same juice from day 8: carrot + avocado (doesn’t juice well) + asparagus + celery + cucumber + tomato + apple + pomegranate + berries (raspberries, blueberries, blackberries, strawberries)
• My diet wasn’t recorded

I had a breakdown yesterday night. I talked to Barry, my roomates and two seniors next door. They comforted me and let me know that people do actually care about me.

Day 10

• pineapple, blueberries, strawberries, carrot, asparagus, celery, cucumber, apple, bannana… almost every basic fruit in America. We wanted to go out with a bang on the last day.
•  Avocado with butter. I started adding grass-fed organic butter on the last days because I was worried that my emotional state possibly had to do with loss of critical nutrients. Don’t remember what else I ate… probably a variation of food on the other days in the fast.

Skipped my first 2 morning classes and went to the guidance counselor. A floodgate of emotion washed over me as I talked about deep rooted family issues and insecurities. I realized that my beliefs stemming from these traumatic events were still overriding my life. They colored my every move, every moment without me even aware. I hadn’t talked to my family that week or done anything related to them in particular. The emotions about them just whipped out of me.

I didn’t update this fast for a while afterwards because I was extremely busy at the time with my classes, extra schoolwork from the missed clases, and activities while trying to deal with the tsunami of deep-rooted emotional trauma that burst out from the gates of hell. I needed time to figure things out… and try to somewhat hold my composure because, sadly, I couldn’t just drop everything and leave to deal with my emotions. After talking to my counselor, I went to take a much needed nap. When you sleep, your body heals and repairs itself… I could definitely feel that during my rest, my cells had started healing and restored themselves when I woke up.

As for my partner in juice cleansing… from what I know she definitely didn’t have as hard of a time as me. She enjoyed it very much so, but broke the fast on day 9 after being offered free, quality err cheese and stuff.

So theories:

I’m someone who’s very in touch with my emotions and much more sensitive to them because I try to bring them out as much as I can and love them for what they are instead of continually repressing them deep down inside. In the process of clearing my body of waste and debris floating around, the juice cleanse also tried to clean out my cells of the emotional toxicity weighing them down. I became utterly flabbergasted as my whole demeanor became so emotionally touchy, sad, and depressed. Perhaps my reactions to the events that took place during that time is how I actually still feel deep, deep down inside, I just tend to feel them as surface emotions because my body has to protect me from reacting with extreme emotions as I need to function in everyday life.

But, this event brought to my attention an extremely painful emotional hotspot I’ve haven’t completely cleared out. So, another opportunity to grow.

For the first time, I tackled my emotional problems with the people around me. My friends, my guidance counselor. As hard as it was for me, my counselor kept pounding me with questions until we got to the emotional backbone of it all. All of those irrational beliefs picked up as a child, she completely dismantled them. She told me it wasn’t my fault. The night before, my friends told me how much I meant to them, how much they loved me, and that I wasn’t worthless. It’s amazing how much love and support you can receive if you only reach out to the people around you. It is scary though. Trusting them and letting them into your world, your most vulnerable state. But maybe, it can be worth it.

I took part in AjiaFest with 2 acts, tinikling and breakdance. Tiniking is a Traditional Filipino dance that involves hopping to and fro inbetween 2 bamboo sticks.

No, breakdance isn’t really asian but it’s always in AjiaFest and contains a good number of asian members. After I got back from Christmas break, my life got taken over and swallowed by AjiaFest. For 2 weeks I had no life. I had barely any time for eating, homework. I would practice for my 2 acts immediately after school for maybe 6 hours or so. My tiniking captains also finished the choreography during the very week of the show, giving me very limited time to practice -.- The choreography for the modern section was baller though and ‘meant to look impossible’.

If you want to see me, I start at 1:22 in the all purple outfit. If you’re bored would recommend to start watching at 3:14 for pure amazingness. It’s the shit!!! No, seriously and really, you have to see the ending. The part through the sticks had my friends messing up every practice. If you do one wrong move, everyone is thrown off. They successfully went through the end only a couple of times right before our performance. My captains are brilliant geniuses (and good senior friends who both happen to live on my hall). Me, along with the girl I was dancing with in the blue, are going to be the captains together next year.

Here’s the Breakdance video. I’m in the beginning, boy/girl pairing, and very end.

*spelled incorrectly purposefully

In that moment you breathe a deep sigh of relief.

Because somewhere, deep down inside, you didn’t believe it.