Radically Free

Spiritual Abuse... is it real?

noreply@blogger.com (Tracy Bergsma) — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 13:36:00 +0000

Spiritual Abuse, Christian Cults and Controlling Ministries

Above you will see a link that takes you to an article on another website. You can click on it to go read it there, or you can read here what I copied from Charisma News. I just want to make sure I am not in breach of any copyrights or taking credit for what I did not write. This is an article written by Jennifer Leclaire. I wish to thank her for her words of wisdom in dealing with such a sensitive matter. Since she has so clearly written some things I know and feel and wish to share, I will quote her article here:

Spiritual Abuse, Christian Cults and Controlling Ministries
1:11PM EST 11/10/2011 Jennifer LeClaire

It’s irresponsible to loosely toss around emotionally charged accusations like “spiritual abuse,” “Christian cults” and “controlling ministries.” I wouldn’t want to stand before Jesus and give account for misspoken words that carry the potential to tear down what He is building. On the other hand, it’s also irresponsible to turn a blind eye to spiritual abuse, Christian cults and controlling ministries. I wouldn’t want to stand before Jesus and give account for supporting ministries that are tearing down what He is building.

When spiritual leaders are caught in sex abuse scandals, the secular and Christian media alike pen stories that offer the detestable details and dogged denials. But spiritual abuse, cultish churches and controlling ministries are less often exposed than pastors who coerce teenaged boys and unsuspecting church secretaries to have sexual relations. Victims of abusive church authority structures may not even realize what they are enduring until they escape its grip.

Spiritual abuse is often subtle. Christian cult leaders don’t always operate like Jim Jones. Controlling ministries tend to hide behind the guise of spiritual coverings. And far too many outsiders are not willing to even question the messages and practices of such churches. It takes lovers of truth with spiritual discernment to recognize the sometimes-subtle signs of abusive churches. And it takes courage to confront it.

What exactly is spiritual abuse? Jeff VanVonderen, co-author of the classic book The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, explains it this way: “Spiritual abuse occurs when someone in a position of spiritual authority … misuses that authority placing themselves over God’s people to control, coerce or manipulate them for seemingly godly purposes which are really their own.”

Spiritual abuse is hardly a new phenomenon. You can find instances in the Bible of spiritual leaders exploiting people to build their kingdoms. In Jeremiah 8, the Lord called out the abuse of prophets and priests, saying, “They dress the wound of my people as though it were not serious” (v. 11 NIV). The root problems of people in the “church” were treated superficially. In other words, the pastor put a Band-Aid on the problem so things looked good from the outside but the wound was festering on the inside. The pastor’s prominence was more important than the legitimate needs of the congregation.

Today, this manifests as spiritual leaders recruiting volunteers to build their ministries while neglecting to minister to the real needs of hurting people. In such cases, churches become like businesses. The pastor is more like a CEO than a spiritual leader. Staff meetings center on marketing initiatives that will bring more people—who will bring more tithes and offerings—into the sanctuary. Church services becomes about external appearances, but the white washed tombs are full of dead men’s bones.

Jesus addressed spiritual abuse in His day. Beyond His warnings about the Pharisees, Jesus also pointed out ravenous wolves. These ravenous wolves look much like anointed prophets, but their motives are dastardly. Today, the spiritually abusive Pharisaical pastor has a long list of rules and demands and little grace for those who don’t rise to the occasion.

Entire books have been written on spiritual abuse. Those books will help you see spiritual abuse for what it is, how you got sucked into the cycle, how to break free from spiritual abuse, and how to recover from spiritual abuse once you’ve escaped its clutches. But for now, I want to leave you with some nuggets from Dave Johnson and VanVonderen’s book, The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse.

Power-posturing is a telltale sign of spiritual abuse. Power-posturing leaders spend a lot of time focused on their own authority and reminding others of it. Johnson and VanVonderen say this is necessary because their spiritual authority isn’t real—based on genuine godly character—it is postured.

In practical terms, this might manifest as a leader who likes to remind the congregation that he can excommunicate people or that any anointing you are flowing in comes from the head (him). This leader can never be questioned, and is usually not accountable to anyone. Those around him are usually mere "yes men" who do his bidding in exchange for delegated authority to lord over others.

Performance preoccupation is a sign of spiritual abuse. Johnson and VanVonderen note that obedience and submission are two important words often used in abusive church structures.

Don’t get me wrong. Obedience and submission are important. But spiritual abuse often shames or scares people into obedience and submission. True obedience is a matter of the heart. Spiritual abusers apply undue pressure that is not from God. That pressure is usually applied to get you to do the leader’s will, not God’s will.

Unspoken rules are common in instances of spiritual abuse. In abusive spiritual systems, Johnson and VanVonderen offer, people’s lives are controlled from the outside in by rules, spoken and unspoken.

“Unspoken rules are those that govern unhealthy churches of families but are not said out loud. Because they are not said out loud, you don’t find out that they’re there until you break them,” Johnson and VanVonderen write. It often seems these “rules” hold more power than scripture.

The “Can’t Talk” rule is seen where spiritual abuse is present. Johnson and VanVonderen explain that the “can’t talk” rule blames the person who talks, and the ensuing punishments pressure questioners into silence.

If you voice a problem you become the problem. If you question why the church no longer picks up the poor kids in the ministry van but has shifted its focus to more affluent neighborhoods, you are removed from your role as a volunteer driver. Others see your fate and decide they'd better not rock the boat. It's a form of intimidation.

Lack of balance and extremism is often present where spiritual abuse lives. This manifests as an unbalanced approach to living out the truth of the Christian life. Johnson and VanVonderen explain that in these systems it is more important to act according to the word of a leader who has “a word” for you than to act according to what you know to be true from Scripture, or simply from your spiritual-growth history.
The truth is prophetic words don’t carry the same weight as Scripture, and you can hear from God for yourself. When you rely on other people to tell you what God is saying, you open the door to control and manipulation.

It’s not possible to fully expose the inner workings of spiritual abuse, Christian cults and controlling churches in a single article. My goal is to raise awareness of a troubling issue and get you thinking—not to send you on a witch hunt for spiritual abusers.

If you think you are part of a spiritually abusive cult-like or controlling church, ask the Lord to break any deception off your mind and show you the truth. The truth could be that you are in a healthy church and you just need to die to self. But it could be that you are in an abusive system and you need to break free. If your heart is purely seeking the truth, the Holy Spirit will surely guide you there (John 16:13).

Jennifer LeClaire is news editor at Charisma. She is also the author of several books, including The Heart of the Prophetic. You can e-mail Jennifer at jennifer.leclaire@charismamedia.com or visit her website here.

When

noreply@blogger.com (Tracy Bergsma) — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 20:05:00 +0000

WHEN

When this life becomes too much, and I can't live it on my own.....

Lord, you give me strength to make your glory known.

When I feel I've had enough, and I can't take it anymore...

Lord, you lift me up and remind me I am yours.

When I'm tired and alone, and no one seems to care...

Lord, you show to me that you are always here.

When others beat me down, saying I'm not good enough...

Lord, you make it known that together we are tough.

When I question "Why?" or get mad at what you do...

Lord, you gently say "Trust that I love you."

When life seems to make no sense and I can't find my way...

Lord, you light my steps and give me guidance for each day.

When the pain and hurt is deep and doesn't want to heal...

Lord, you give compassion and all my pain you feel.

When I've given all I have and done all that I can do...

Lord, you take my broken life and make it just like new.

When I reach the end of my life and my purpose here is done...

Lord, you'll fold me in your arms and say "my child, welcome home!"

Tracy Bergsma

The Heart of the Matter

noreply@blogger.com (Tracy Bergsma) — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 19:08:00 +0000

I know I opened a can of worms in my previous post titled Freedom of Worship and Lifestyle but I'd really like to get to the heart of the matter. I talked about how I now realize that I was in a cult... but there is so much more I wish to share about this topic. Please bear with me as I unload my emotions, thoughts, and experiences here and try to make sense of it all. Try to understand that I am not knocking my FAITH or my belief in GOD, just the practices and procedures I was convinced to believe and follow all my life, and tried to force on others also.

You see, there is a very special word called GRACE. It is hard to explain, other than a dictionary definition, but it is much easier to point out in action (or lack of grace [ungrace, if you will] in action). I have experienced a lot of grace in my life, and I have experienced a lot of ungrace too! I will talk more about grace and its definition and examples in another post, but suffice it to say that God shows us grace like no one else can. This is because He cares about our hearts!

God's primary concern is our heart of hearts. He cares about our dreams and goals, our fears and failures, our laughter and tears, our hopes, ambitions, hurts, longings-- the essence of all that we are! Unlike any one or any thing in this life.... God wants us for our heart, our truest self. Sure He wants our obedience, sacrifice, morality, praise, worship, contentment, thanks, self-esteem, etc, etc. All these are good, important even, but NOT the heart of what God is after! God wants our hearts--our true being, our innermost secret self. THIS is God's primary concern and reason for all He has done and is doing. It really seems too good to be true! It's so hard to allow ourselves to believe it... to trust Him.

No amount of rules or structure will yield our hearts to God. The most severe religious regulations, the greatest personal sacrifices, the best appearance of spirituality does not ensure our hearts are God's. In the Bible (Isaiah 29:13) God says about His chosen nation, Israel, "their hearts are far from me." This is the Creator's lament--even though His people were rigidly and intentionally following the laws and performing their duties, their hearts were not in what they were doing. Their innermost self did not belong to God. It was just a legalistic adherence to the practices that were expected. They performed faithfully, but without heart. If God gets our hearts and we are madly, deeply, truly, trustingly in love with HIM, then all the other things will fall into place. Who else could care for us and our deepest needs and desires like the One who made us?

Here is where the legalism, abuse and cults come in... grabbing the deep need and desire of our hearts to be at one with our Creator/Savior, to be accepted. If we just get more involved in church, give more money (or time), sacrifice more of the personal pleasures from our life, dress more simply and modestly, drink less alcohol (or none at all), evangelize more, keep our kids out of the public schools.... on and on the list goes.... then, maybe we will find favor with God and He will love us and accept us and bless us. It becomes a matter of outward conformity instead of the inward transformation of the heart.

God wants the heart first! He knows that when my heart is bound with His and I am secure in His love and grace, my outward life will reflect my innermost being. Cults, religious groups, legalistic organizations focus on the outward appearance and use it to judge what is in my heart.

God says "do not get drunk" (Ephesians 5:18), focusing on the need for moderation and the dangers of excess (Proverbs 20:1, 23:20, Isaiah 5:11). However, legalists and certain religious cults will say "Don't drink alcohol at all! Any alcohol is sin!" Their focus is on the idea that it can lead to sin, so just avoid it completely.
God's Word says "let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another" (Hebrews 10:25). The religious cult will say this means to never miss a church service or meeting, as that is a sign of ungodliness and means you are a weak Christian.
God's Word says "it is good to praise the Lord and make music to your name" (Psalm 92:1), "praise the Lord with the harp; make music to him on the ten-stringed lyre" (Psalm 33:2), also "let them praise his name with dancing and make music to him with tambourine and harp" (Psalm 149:3) and again "praise him with the sounding of the trumpet, praise him with the harp and lyre, praise him with tambourine and dancing, praise him with the strings and flute, praise him with the clash of cymbals, praise him with resounding cymbals" (Psalm 150:3-5). Actually, all through the Psalms God's people are encouraged to praise with voice, instruments, dance. Yet the conservative religious groups will say that "only the good old hymns of the faith are acceptable and if the music styling does not follow the "proper biblical rules of music" then it is wrong! Dancing is always erotic and sinful, so no dancing is ever acceptable!" Also they hold that certain instruments (like drums and bass guitars) are worldly and of the devil and cannot bring God glory.

There are so many more examples that can be given, but I think you see what I'm getting at. Yes, God does have rules! His rules are for our good, and He has our heart and its relationship with Him at the core of every rule. The cults and abusers have our outward performance and conformity at the core of all their rules and enforcements. I will touch more on this subject, in more detail, when I post about grace in the future.

I just want to share with you that I now understand the difference between God wanting my heart and seeking an intensely personal relationship with me at the core of my being; and man wanting my adherence, submission and conformity to a set of standards (rules) in order to possibly receive the "gift" they are offering, if I achieve well enough to merit it.

This is the heart of the matter! God offers to me freely and generously what no one else (or no thing) can ever give me.... it's up to me to reach for it and take it. Do I trust Him with my heart?

Radically Free... what does that mean?

noreply@blogger.com (Tracy Bergsma) — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 13:43:00 +0000

WOW! I really wonder what it does mean... to be free, that is--radically free! I don't know what it looks like or how it feels. I believe I've had glimpses of it in my life, but I don't think I have ever truly experienced actual freedom. This is my journey to that promise of abundant life that Jesus made. I want the liberty that is found only in the Truth. But sometimes the truth hurts!

The Webster's Dictionary defines radical as drastic or sweeping; extreme; favoring or resulting in extreme or revolutionary changes. Free is defined as not imprisoned or enslaved; at liberty; not controlled by the obligation or the will of another. So radical freedom (in my opinion and understanding) is therefore an extreme, revolutionary change to freedom and liberty. To such an extreme that no person or thing has control over me. Truth, God's truth, THE Truth is supposed to set us free.

It is a scary journey. The mystery of finding freedom in truth is that we have deceived ourselves for so long, we don't really want the truth. It is hard to look at the facts, as they really are... to look at myself, truly look at the real me... and want to face the truth that is there. Once faced, it requires action. I must do something about the truth that I see. Either I must continue in the truth, often alone and against the flow, or I must change the truth to fit what I want to keep believing and doing. (Which then changes the "truth" into a lie.)

My purpose in this blog is to chronicle my journey toward being radically free; offering, perhaps, some connection of spirit, some part of my story that resonates with you. This is with the hope of helping you to seek your own radical freedom. I do not know how this journey will end, nor what kind of adventures I will face on the journey..... but I'm excited about it!

Is this radical thinking? You bet!!! And I intend to live radically free from here on. It will be a process. No change, however small, happens overnight. With radical changes.... there is a lot of unlearning to do, before the new "free" way can be learned. There is also a lot of hurt that must be uncovered and dealt with. Digging for truth will make us question: Who am I? Why am I the person I am? Why do I believe what I do? Is there another way, a better way? What is my purpose in this life? How can I change, or should I change?

Freedom starts with truth. In the Bible, Jesus declared that "I [Jesus] am the way, the TRUTH, and the life" (John 14:6), and He told the Jews "ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." (John 8:32). Jesus is the Living Word of God, the truth, and in Him is radical freedom. "If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed." (John 8:36)

If you wish to be radically free, then start by seeking the truth. Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life and in Him alone is complete, extreme, drastic, sweeping liberty! This freedom will not be completely realized in this life, on this earth... but there is great peace and freedom in understanding the truth and working toward and eternity of being Radically Free!

Rules -- Inhibiting or Enhancing our Freedom?

noreply@blogger.com (Tracy Bergsma) — Mon, 24 Oct 2011 19:16:00 +0000

This post is a copy and paste from a friend's blog. I am including the link as proper credit to her. Please feel free to check out her blog. The message is one that resonates very deeply with me. Since she did such a wonderful job of expressing it, I asked her permission to use it rather than reiterate it myself. So... happy reading! :)

My Corner of the Universe: Shoulda Woulda Coulda (Thank you Jenni!)

Shoulda Woulda Coulda

"Miss, can I please drink the leftover juice?"
"I'm not sure that's such a smart idea. There's a lot of juice, and it might make you sick."
"It's okay, Miss. I can handle it."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, Miss."

I can still remember this day. An 8th grade student, eyes shining bright, was standing at my desk, pleading to drink the juice left over from a class activity. The jar of pickle juice gleamed like swamp water. He thought it was a great idea. I was unconvinced. Even though there was no rule forbidding it, and even though I knew he was capable, I still didn't think that pickle juice would make a good "second breakfast." In the end, I relented. He drank the juice. Later, he ran out of class as his stomach relinquished its hold on the very vinegary solution.

Just because we can do something doesn't mean we always should. But just because we shouldn't do something doesn't necessarily mean it's wrong.

I look back at that incident and think about all the different ways I could have reacted to it. I could have told the student no. I could have poured the pickle juice into the bushes to guarantee that no one else would attempt such a feat. I could have added "No drinking pickle juice" to my list of classroom rules. Better yet, I could have expanded that rule to include all types of vinegar-based substances or all substances of more than three ounces or anything that started with the letter P.

Often times it seems that we convince ourselves that rules will protect us from everything and that the best solution to a possible difficulty is just a list of rules forbidding an activity or anything associated with it. If it's not wise to see an R-rated movie, then it would be best not to see any movies at all. Or to shop in stores that display movie posters. Or to talk about movies. If being drunk and losing control of one's body, thus endangering oneself and others, is not wise, then it would be best not to drink any alcohol at all. Or anything that might look like alcohol. Or to be anywhere where alcohol is served.

But what do you do when you encounter a situation for which there is no rule yet? Or what if you are around other people who have different rules? Does that mean these other people are ignorant or unspiritual? Should we teach them our rules or do we need to learn theirs? Who's got the best answer?

And therein lies the problem. Directives clearly laid down by God make perfect sense. There are logical consequences to breaking those rules, and we can be sure that God has our best in mind. However, once we traipse into the realm of man-made rules, we are sure to find mistakes. People, however well-intentioned, are prone to error. We can't even pretend to have God's perspective on things. Circumstances change, cultures change, and often we find that our well-intentioned rules are now a hindrance. In a religious setting, these rules become a sort of anti-testimony, pushing people away from the One who loves them more than they can understand instead of drawing them to Him. There are so many people who need to see God's love, and they're not going to if they keep getting hung up in our rules about how we dress, what music we listen to, how many earrings we can wear, and how much money we must give to the church.

I am certain that my student (and his classmates) learned more from discussing the relative merits of drinking pickle juice and watching the consequences thereof than they would have from a hard-and-fast "no drinking juice that starts with P" rule. After all, if he had consumed the same quantity of pear juice or peach juice or even pineapple juice, he probably would have been fine. Less pickle juice probably would have been fine, too. Rather than regulating every possible situation, why not allow people to use their brains and Bibles to learn what God wants them to do? No, people won't always get it right. Neither will you. Nor will I. But that's what grace is for. God gave us the opportunity to choose so we could choose to love and serve Him, and we would do well to give that same opportunity to those around us.

Freedom of Worship and Lifestyle

noreply@blogger.com (Tracy Bergsma) — Mon, 24 Oct 2011 18:42:00 +0000

My past is a checkered history of religious fanaticism and cult-like practices. I do believe that many people in my past were sincere in their beliefs and practices, and I know that my actions and attitudes toward others were sincere (albeit misguided)... but that does not make it right or healthy! I have been deeply scarred by the cultish practices of some of my childhood churches. Even in my adult life I have gotten involved in business (commercial) practices that are cults! I guess, in some ways it is an easy jump from one to the other. But it was also the beginning of an inner spiritual awakening for me.

I have dear friends who have experienced first-hand the emotional and spiritual turmoil of religious (spiritual) abuse from a church that I would label a cult! Some of the churches I was involved in during my childhood and adolescence were also cult-like, if not outright cults. I wish to express my regret for being offensive, self-righteous, judgmental, arrogant, and generally without grace and love in my dealings with others and I ask your forgiveness if I have done this to you. Be aware that my heart was indeed sincere in wanting what I was taught (and believed) to be the best thing for me and you, however my presentation and deliverance of such sincerity and truth was marred and muddled by my own misunderstandings and lack of grace. I am truly sorry, please forgive me.

I know many will scold me or be angry that I am labeling certain things in my past as cults, but I'm looking at the facts! Given my personal experience, and that of many others I know, the facts point to my prior religious/business connections as cults. It is not my goal to hurt or shame or offend anyone, but I am seeking out the truth. Truth of what I've been taught to believe compared with actual practice of those beliefs, and critiqued by the truth of the very Scriptures these beliefs and practices are supposedly based on.

The truth is concrete! It never changes, but my understanding of those truths and my practical application of them is now coming into maturity. Now I have freedom to think for myself, to search out a matter, to ask questions without fear of being condemned by those who claimed to love me and want God's best for me. I can read the Bible for myself, and study its meaning in context with the culture and language in which it was written, thereby understanding more clearly its application to my life and culture today. The foundation of what I have always believed, the nuggets of moral absolutes and eternal truths, have not changed. How I practice these beliefs in my life and present these truths to my children and others has most definitely changed, and I hope will continue to change! I no longer yield my mind and heart to others to control. I do not unthinkingly, unquestioningly submit to or obey every command presented by a religious leader or organization. God gave me a strong mind and spirit and I intend to use it. The Holy Spirit is present in my life to lead and to guide and to make known His truth to me. Jesus, the Living Truth, is my foundation and my authority, and I have direct personal access to Him.

So how do you know if you are in a cult or not? What if your group or organization is cult-like, but not an outright cult? Let's take a look at some of the signs of a cult:
http://www.howcultswork.com/
Cults have many faces. Various types of cults exist, but they use similar methods. Some types of cults are religious, commercial (such as mlm and pyramid sales), self help & counselling, and political (think Hitler's Nazis). Although their purposes may vary, the ultimate goals are the same: power, through mind control and behavior control. Deception, fear & intimidation, relationship control, information control, time control, pressure selling, etc... these are all marks of a cult. In all cults, mind control is used and its major techniques are as follows:

Exclusivity is used as a threat, it controls your behavior through fear (Be very suspicious of any group that claims to be better than all the others. A religious group may say that other groups following the same religion are OK, but we are the ones who have a better grasp of the truth and we are superior to the rest. This is often just a subtle version of exclusivity.)

Guilt, Character Assassination and Breaking Sessions

There is way more here than I can cover in this one post. But do some research, ask yourself some hard questions, give yourself honest answers, figure out if you are involved in a cult or not. Here is another good website with lots of information that may help: http://rickross.com/warningsigns.html
This one has been put up by Rick Ross, Expert Consultant and Intervention Specialist. Let me outline for you what he says are "Ten signs of a safe group/leader":

A safe group/leader will answer your questions without becoming judgmental and punitive.
A safe group/leader will disclose information such as finances and often offer an independently audited financial statement regarding budget and expenses. Safe groups and leaders will tell you more than you want to know.
A safe group/leader is often democratic, sharing decision making and encouraging accountability and oversight.
A safe group/leader may have disgruntled former followers, but will not vilify, excommunicate and forbid others from associating with them.
A safe group/leader will not have a paper trail of overwhelmingly negative records, books, articles and statements about them.
A safe group/leader will encourage family communication, community interaction and existing friendships and not feel threatened.
A safe group/leader will recognize reasonable boundaries and limitations when dealing with others.
A safe group/leader will encourage critical thinking, individual autonomy and feelings of self-esteem.
A safe group/leader will admit failings and mistakes and accept constructive criticism and advice.
A safe group/leader will not be the only source of knowledge and learning excluding everyone else, but value dialogue and the free exchange of ideas.

I found all of this to be extremely interesting and helpful food for thought, as I continue to seek freedom in my life and mind. Yes, there are absolutes. Yes, I make mistakes and sometimes suffer from other's mistakes, as well as cause others to suffer from my mistakes. Yes, I have rights... moral, ethical, spiritual, legal, etc... and so do others! My rights end when they harm the rights of others and impose my goals, desires, interests, and pleasures onto someone else. So, in all this searching, thinking, learning, attempting to understand and grasp for radical freedom... what I'm trying to figure out is the TRUTH, disentangled from the agendas and cult-like control others have held over me. This is frequently extremely difficult, and often full of painful emotions, but it is a necessary part of my journey to freedom.

I know I still have a long way to go, but I am well on the road and enjoying my journey!

My way vs. God's way

noreply@blogger.com (Tracy Bergsma) — Fri, 21 Oct 2011 18:22:00 +0000

Here are some thoughts as to possibly why our prayers are sometimes not answered the way we want:

I ask God to take away my habit... God says, "It is not for me to take away, but for you to give up... with my strength."

I ask God to give me happiness... God says,"I give you blessings. Happiness is up to you."

I ask God to spare me pain... God says,"Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares and brings you closer to me."

I ask God to make my spirit grow... God says,"No, you must grow on your own, but I will prune you to keep you faithful."

I ask God for all things that I might enjoy life... God says,"No, I gave you life so that you may enjoy all things."

I ask God to help me love others, as much as He loves me... God says, "Ah, finally you have the right idea!"

Hello... checking in!

noreply@blogger.com (Tracy Bergsma) — Fri, 21 Oct 2011 17:01:00 +0000

Well, I can see it has been a year since I last posted. Ummmm.... too long, and no excuses!!! But I do have good news: I have several posts in the works and lots of ideas for many more. So stay tuned! :)

As for the update on my health--I think most (if not all) of my current blog followers are also friends on facebook. As such, you were updated through my notes on my facebook site. But for the sake of any new people who happen upon here, I will attach those update notes here.

Praise to God

by Tracy Bergsma on Tuesday, 19 October 2010 at 15:59

I was just mixing up some brownies to bake for my kids to eat and this song sprang out of my heart! Then I stopped to really "listen" to the words I was singing:

The trusting heart to Jesus clings, nor any ill forbodes,
But at the cross of Calv'ry sings Praise God for lifted loads!

The passing days bring many cares "Fear not" I hear Him say.
And when my fears are turned to prayers, the burdens slip away.

He tells me of my Father's love and never slumb'ring eye.
My everlasting King above will all my needs supply.

When to the throne of grace I flee, I find the promise true:
The mighty hands upholding me will bear my burdens too.

Singing I go along life's road, praising the Lord, praising the Lord.
Singing I go along life's road, for Jesus has lifted my load.

~~Eliza E. Hewitt, 1851-1920~~

God is SO good, and His peace is amazing! I know HE put this song in my heart and made me mindful of its truth.
This is even more precious to me in light of recent circumstances and trials. Some of you know what I'm talking about. I only wish to praise the Lord and give Him all the glory, whatever the outcome.

Thank you for your prayers!

by Tracy Bergsma on Friday, 29 October 2010 at 17:13

Well, for everyone who has been praying for me, and is wondering about today.... everything went well!

I had my biopsy and am now home, but did have excessive bleeding which concerned the doctor and nurse somewhat. It took a while to get the bleeding stopped and I had to have my dressing changed a second time. The doctor said he didn't see any reason for concern, as it appeared to be just a cyst... but he still did the biopsy, taking two samples. The results will be sent to my family physician within 5-7 days and I should hear from him what the results are. But it seems to be a pretty good prognosis.

Thank you all so much for you prayers, cyber hugs, words of encouragement and just being there for me. I really appreciate it all and it has helped me through a very trying time. God bless each of you. I will let you know when I get the official diagnosis from my doctor.

Love, Tracy

Health update!

by Tracy Bergsma on Wednesday, 24 November 2010 at 09:20

Dear friends,

I have been remiss in keeping you informed about my health situation! Please forgive me.

I have talked with my Doctor last week and the biopsy is negative for cancer.... Praise the Lord! He then referred me to a specialist who could give a second opinion and also decide how to further proceed with these "growths". So I had one cyst aspirated (drained) while in the specialist's office and he is recommending surgery to remove the benign tumour. This should be happening before Christmas, but I do not yet have a date for the surgery. I would appreciate your continued prayers for this, as it is actual surgery under general anesthetic. It will, however, be a day surgery and I will be sent home the same day.

Thank you all so much for your prayers and support and encouragement! God is good... ALL the time! :)

Love, Tracy

Update to my update! ;)

by Tracy Bergsma on Thursday, 25 November 2010 at 11:05

The specialist called me yesterday. My surgery is scheduled for Wednesday, December 8, 2010. I must arrive at the hospital for 8:00am and then be directed through all the necessary procedures accordingly. I will be sent home later the same day, but will be given general anesthesia for the surgery. I'm sure all will go well. I thank God that it is not cancer, but I must still deal with the inconvenience of the surgery and healing afterward. Thank you for your continued prayers!

Surgery done and life moves on!

by Tracy Bergsma on Sunday, 12 December 2010 at 20:45

Well, hello my faithful readers and encouragers! I am FINALLY writing once again to let you know how things have gone with my health concerns and recovery.

I had my surgery on Wednesday, December 8th, at the Lakeridge Health Centre here in Oshawa. All went well, and I came home in the late afternoon of the same day. I've had a few days of rest (boredom is more like it) and a few doses of Tylenol 3 with codeine. I have not felt much discomfort but a little tenderness. I have not used any medication (not even regular Tylenol) since Friday. Of course, being who I am.... I have pushed myself a little too much too soon and today (Sunday) I am feeling quite tired and uncomfortable.

I praise God that I have no cancer and apparently the lump has been successfully removed. I still wait to have a follow-up with the specialist who performed the surgery and I will know more details then. It was definitely not a picnic... but I have survived and am well! :) Thank God for friends and family who have been praying for me. I am very thankful to Richard (my significant other) for taking the time off work and driving 2-1/2 hours to spend a long, boring day with me at the hospital and making sure that I was fine. It must be love!!!! ;-D (he he he)

So although I'm still healing and recuperating somewhat.... for the most part the whole ordeal is now behind me and life continues to roll! Isn't there an old saying "no rest for the wicked".... well I guess I am very wicked! Hahahaha

I will probably share more personal detail and emotion about the whole thing on my blog in the next couple of days. So any who are interested can follow my blog at http://radicallyfreeyou.blogspot.com/ and I will try to be more regular with my posts there. I do have much to share, just not often much time to think it through and write it down. I will work harder at this.

Again I thank each of you who have faithfully prayed for me, encouraged me, and offered your comfort and wisdom as I have traversed these trying times.

God Bless!
Tracy

So this pretty much sums up my health issue that was referred to in my earlier post. Now I am married, moved, and adapting to a new life. But more on that in another post!

A Trusting Heart....

noreply@blogger.com (Tracy Bergsma) — Tue, 19 Oct 2010 21:57:00 +0000

I've got news! Not bad news, not good news.... just news. I have a massive lump on my breast and I must go to the hospital for testing. While no one yet knows what this means, or what the outcome will be.... I definitely have doubts and fears and concerns. Of course, soon enough I will know if it is "bad" news or "good" news.

No, I'm not really this calm.... not on my own anyway! I've had this lump for over two months, and hoped it would just go away. After all this time and it hasn't altered, I finally took the plunge and called my doctor. I was told he is booked up for weeks, but If I could wait.... the receptionist would see what she could do and call me back with an appointment for sometime that they could squeeze me in. This was last Friday. Well, she called a few hours later and said there had been a cancellation, could I come in at 4:00. Whoa!

Hmmmm.... by now my stomach was in knots and my mind was racing with all the worst-case scenarios playing themselves over. What if it's cancer? What if I have to go through chemotherapy and lose all my hair? What if I waited too long and they can't do anything about it... who will look after my children? Maybe I will have to get a mastectomy... not like that's gonna matter, since I barely have any breast anyway! (this has been the lament of my life!).... hey, maybe I'll be covered for breast reconstruction and can actually have some breasts when this is all done!!! (that would be a dream come true.) Oh, I hope it's just a cyst that can be removed and nothing further done. But that means surgery... what am I going to do with my kids, how will I get there, who will bring me home, how long for recovery? On and on... the questions, the doubts, the fears, the hopes, over and over.

The tormenting thoughts and questions crowded my mind! God, WHY? Why me? Why this? Why now? Haven't I suffered enough already, Lord? Haven't I had so many trials in such a short time? Father, you are exhausting my faith.... I can't deal with any more hardships. What is it you want, Lord? Have I not passed the previous tests..... is this a "re-take"? One by one the answers came. "My grace is sufficient for thee; for my strength is made perfect in [your] weakness." (2 Cor. 12:9) And how, God, does this bring glory to you.... is it really necessary? "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." (Isa. 55:8-9) But what about my finances, and my children.... Father, who will take care of all that? "Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they toil not, neither do they spin; And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith? Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? ...for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. But seek ye first the kingodm of God, and his righteousness: and all these things shall be added unto you. Take therefore no thought for tomorrow: for tomorrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof." (Matt. 6:28-34) Ahhh, yes Lord! You have indeed taken care of everything, and You have always taken care of me. Help me to trust you dear Father.... completely!

And yes, in spite of my worst fears and worries, I have serenity. I have peace and calm that is not of this world. I have certainty that God cares about me, that He is with me through all of this, and that He will give me the strength and courage and grace to handle whatever this may bring. I cannot explain it, for it cannot be explained. It is the comfort of my Jesus, my Creator who loves me so! My heart's desire (even with my fear and doubt) is that God will get glory from my life, no matter what! NO MATTER WHAT bitter trial or painful test I must endure.... I want to praise and glorify my Lord and Saviour. If this is what will bring Him the most honour in my life, then so be it! Whatever the loss, whatever the cost, I will trust God.

I have shared this news with many family and friends already. So many have responded saying they are praying for me, and have encouraged me in many ways. For this, I thank you! I know God is in this, even if I don't like what is happening. I would not choose it, but He has chosen it for me. And my heart knows that He wants what is best for me, not today only but for all eternity.

So today, as I was mixing up some brownies for my kids to eat, this song just suddenly sprang out of my heart! Then I stopped to really "listen" to the words I was singing:

The trusting heart to Jesus clings, nor any ill forbodes,

But at the cross of Calv'ry sings "Praise God for lifted loads!"

The passing days bring many cares, "Fear not" I hear Him say.

And when my fears are turned to prayers, the burdens slip away.

He tells me of my Father's love and never slumb'ring eye.

My everlasting King above will all my needs supply.

When to the throne of grace I flee, I find the promise true:

The mighty hands upholding me will bear my burdens too.

Singing I go along life's road, praising the Lord, praising the Lord.

Singing I go along life's road, for Jesus has lifted my load.

~~Eliza E. Hewitt, 1851-1920~~

God is SO good, and His peace is amazing! I know HE put this song in my heart and made me mindful of its truth.

This is even more precious to me in light of these present circumstances and trials. I only wish to praise the Lord and give Him all the glory, whatever the outcome.

The Most Amazing Love Story

noreply@blogger.com (Tracy Bergsma) — Tue, 21 Sep 2010 16:31:00 +0000

He (Jehovah) delights in me! Oh the overwhelming love of God.... that He should care for me!!!! God--the God of the universe, the Creator of the stars, the heavens, the earth, the seas--delights in insignificant, unworthy, faulty, broken, little me! How it overwhelms me and delights me. It thrills my soul and makes my toes tingle! I feel so precious in His sight! I am SO loved, so special, so wonderful.... not because of me, but because He chooses to love me. My heart is beating wildly at the very thought..... I am overflowing with pleasure and delight. My Saviour whispers "sweet-nothings" to me in a million little things each day--the sunshine, the birds singing, the love of my child, the purr of the cat, the beauty of nature--He calls to me, He draws me, He wraps His arms around me and assures me that He will never leave me.

Ahhh, I can rest! I can let go of the stress, the anger, the demands of my time and attention. I can fully relax in His love, knowing that He will take care of me. I sigh, letting all my cares go. I trust Him, He has never done me any harm. He holds me close and tells me to leave all my worries and fears with Him. Oh, it is so easy to yield to His love! I am prized, I am cherished, I am protected. He knows what is BEST for me, not just good but best; and He longs to give it to me, if I will just take His hand and let Him lead.

So many things I can't express.... so much pain I don't understand..... too many hurts I can't wipe away. But Jesus, the Lover of my soul, He washes them all away. He takes them on Himself. He bears my pain and sorrows, and dries my tears. He loves me. He loves me. He loves me! I am His, and He is mine!!!! Oh what joy! I feel like a bird, soaring high in the sky. I feel free, really truly completely free!

I know I will fall again. I know I will hurt again. I know I will doubt and worry and fear and the stresses of life will become too much for me to bear again. And I know that my Lord and Lover will be right here, wiping my tears, rubbing away my pains, holding me close to His heart and loving me still! He will be loving me back into peace, calm, joy, freedom.... until I can once again let my heart soar to Him in total abandon and trust.... free from the chains of my wretchedness and sin and free from the cares of this world. And while I walk through the dark valley, He has not left me alone. NO! He is walking with me, holding my hand, helping me up when I fall, steadying me when I stumble. And when I get too tired to continue and the path becomes too much to bear, He will lift me in His strong yet gentle and loving arms and carry me close to His heart.

This is my love story. A story for all time, without end. Someday it will be happily ever after with no more sorrow or pain. Oh God, my God I love you with all my being because of your unfailing, always persistent, sweetly pursuing love for me!!!! Thank you Jesus.

"I take great delight in you, I will quiet you with My love, I rejoice over you with singing."
~ Zephaniah 3:17

I would do anything to hold onto you
Just about anything until you pull through
I'd hold onto you 'til the stars no longer wink
I'd hold onto you 'til you figure out just what to think
I would go anywhere to meet up with you
Just about anywhere for one rendezvous
I'd hold onto you 'til the mountains crumble flat
I'd hold onto you 'til you figure out just where you're at
I'd hold onto you 'til you take it all in stride
I'd hold onto you 'til you want to stay here by my side, because
You're emotion in motion
My "magical potion"
You're emotion in motion to Me
~Rick Ocasek

The Kind of Man I Dream of

noreply@blogger.com (Tracy Bergsma) — Sun, 22 Aug 2010 05:39:00 +0000

I saw this on a friend's profile and decided to "borrow" it. This pretty much explains the dreams and hopes I have of a man that really knows how to love me.... even at my worst. Of course, I know people aren't perfect and nobody can be "everything" to me. Only Jesus can truly love me unconditionally and meet my every need. But still, I dream of one day having a relationship like this with a man who loves God first, and loves me second. Yes, I would certainly want to do my best to be all this for my man too! :) It's good to have dreams!

I wonder how many men realize if they did more of this list for the woman in their life, how amazing their relationship would be. Women are naturally made to be responders. Wow, what a romance could be had! Read on.

What to Do When a Woman Does This to You

When she stares at your mouth.... smile, then kiss her.

When she pushes you or hits you.... hug her tight.

When she starts fussing at you.... say I love you.

When she's quiet.... hold her hand and ask what's wrong.

When she ignores you.... act cute so she'll notice you.

When she pulls away.... pull her back and hold her tight.

When you see her at her worst.... tell her you love her and she still looks amazing.

When you see her walking.... approach her and give a kiss on the cheek.

When she's scared.... assure her you're not going to leave her.

When she lays her head on your shoulder.... tilt your head too to touch her head.

When she steals your favorite hat.... let her keep it.

When she teases you.... tease her back and make her laugh.

When she says that she likes you.... know that she really does, more than you could understand.

When she grabs at your hands.... hold hers and play with her fingers.

When she bumps into you.... bump into her back and make her laugh.

When she tells you a secret.... keep it safe and untold.

When she is sick.... stay up all night with her.

When she's bored and sad.... hang out with her.

When she's mad.... hug her tight and don't let go.

When she wants to see her favorite movie or show.... watch it with her, even if you think it's stupid.

When she says she's okay.... don't believe it, talk to her.

When she looks into your eyes.... don't look away until she does.

When she doesn't answer for a long time.... reassure her that everything is okay.

When she looks at you with doubt.... back yourself up, earn her trust

When she misses you.... know that she's hurting inside.

When you break her heart.... understand that the pain never really goes away.

When she says it's over.... believe she still wants you to be hers, and try again.

When she's not saying anything.... stay on the phone with her.

When you see her crying.... hold her, and ask her what's wrong.

When she runs up to you crying.... the first thing you'd say is "Who's butt am I gonna kick, Baby?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her.

Call her before you sleep and after you wake up.

Treat her like she's all that matters to you.

Let her wear your clothes.

Let her know she's important.

Kiss her in the pouring rain.

Give her the world.

Stardust and God-trust

noreply@blogger.com (Tracy Bergsma) — Fri, 13 Aug 2010 02:52:00 +0000

Creation is amazing! It speaks so boldly and beautifully of a Great Designer who loves variety and beauty and order and colour! The stars sparkle like millions of little diamonds in a vast black velvet canvas.

I was out in the country the other night, watching the stars. The crickets were chirping their loud chorus, as if to invite me to join them. The mosquitoes were buzzing their annoying "attack" anthem, warning me of their piercing danger. The stars winked and twinkled and blinked, coaxing me to want to dance in their glamour. The air was warm, with a whispering breeze that subtly caressed my skin. The tall corn stalks softly, gently waved with the breeze as if they were rocking a baby to sleep. All my senses were alive, alert, on the ready, taking in all the glory and wonder that is creation! I felt very relaxed, very much at peace, at one with my Lord and my world, very alive, awake. It was majestic! I just felt like all was right and as it should be.

As I watched, there blazed a small light from the east trailing across the sky in a slight arc and then fizzled out. It happened fast, I almost missed it! It wasn't glaring bright or twinkling, but it was there. And just when I thought I might have been seeing things and my mind was playing tricks on me.... another fainter, shorter one happened. It is the poseids meteor shower! Apparently the poseids meteor shower is happening right now, and tonight is the best night to watch it!

I was wowed! I was dumbstruck! I was awed! It was amazing! Just looking at all those twinkling stars lighting paths and patterns across the darkened atmosphere..... I was awestruck by the beauty and wonder and majesty and creatvitiy and design of it all. My God is awesome!!!! Then, to see these "showers" in all their fancy fizzling out.... it was as though God sent a personal message directly to me.

This wonder, this beauty, this precious little gift of love from God to me, led me to do some deep thinking and reflecting. If God could make the heavens and the sun, the moon, the stars, all the details and signs and seasons and wonders that we experience, and set them into patterns that they do not deviate from, and control all this with great precision and order..... if He can do all that, why can't I trust Him to care for me? Is it that I can't trust Him, or don't trust Him?

He loves me, oh so much! I was romanced by my Lord and Saviour, the Lover of my soul, as I stood there and watched the skies. He sent a message of love, a gift of romance, a design of His own making to me! And yet, so often I struggle with trusting God to do what's best for me. Too many times I want my own way and think that I know what I want and that God won't "do right" by me. I leave my life, my emotions, my circumstances in His hands.... but then, I don't like what's happening, or what I'm feeling, so I grab it back again.

Well, I know I will continue to struggle with this. It is hard to yield myself to God. Even knowing that He loves me beyond all measure, that He wants what is the absolute best for me..... still, I convince myself that God is holding out on me. That He is short-changing me, or that He cannot be trusted and I need to take matters into my own hands! Ah, it is the lie that deceived the first woman on earth.... and we have all struggled with it ever since.

Yet I thank God that for those few moments, of that one night, while gazing at the stars.... I was at peace, I knew my Saviour's love, and all was right with my world! I know that the God of the universe and the stardust and meteor showers, is the very God who cares for me in a real and personal way.

Thank you Lord for that unique and special demonstration, expressing your love to me. Help me to trust you, even when I doubt.

Tears in my Teacup

noreply@blogger.com (Tracy Bergsma) — Sat, 05 Jun 2010 13:36:00 +0000

Hmmm..... Why is it that in my search to be free I discourage myself from being free to be real?! I think it is because I am afraid that if anyone knew the REAL me, they wouldn't like me. Maybe too, it is because I have a standard, an "Ideal", of what is acceptable.... and I don't measure up to my own standard. Will others really judge me as harshly as I judge myself? Maybe, maybe not... but I'm afraid to find out. It leaves me vulnerable, open to hurt, target to criticism. I don't like being in that position. But in order to be free, I have to be real! OUCH!

Yesterday I had an awful day. The kind of day that I label "terrible, awful, no good, very bad, Jonah Day"! I am a single (divorced!--yep, I'm divorced) homeschooling mom of four children. If that doesn't paint a clear picture..... how about some help.

Ok, the previous two days before yesterday had been rainy. So, with four children (two boys and two girls, ranging in ages from 14 down to 7) stuck in the house all day..... I was getting quite irritated. I really love my children, but there are sometimes I'd trade them for a chocolate bar in a heartbeat! (Make it a Laura Secord french mint chocolate bar and I'll give you the whole gang.) So, yeah, I homeschool which means ME with FOUR kids, 24/7.

It also means that either I'm a supermom or lots gets left undone. I'm the latter.  The laundry is piled up, having been washed and dried (thank God for automatic machines), but left in a pile on the couch awaiting sorting, folding and putting away. It never gets done!!!! Every day I hear the same sobs and whines.... "I don't have any socks."  "I can't find clean underwear!"   "Mom, have you seen my green shirt, you know, the one I wore to the park on Monday?"   I would think that with the constant whining and bickering, I'd be motivated to get all laundry folded and in it's place asap to silence the cheery little chirps! Nope! It doesn't happen. Why?

Well, three square meals a day, plus snacks keeps me always on my toes. It seems I never leave the kitchen, except when I fall into bed at night. Well, unless I'm at the computer. And said kitchen has such sticky, gummy floors that it's hard to walk through without getting stuck. My twelve-year-old daughter seldom has to fill her cat's food dish, because the cat just eats a feast off the kitchen floor! All this preparing for all these meals and snacks leaves lots of dishes piled in, on, beside, and all around the sink. Who wants to wash dishes? Hey, I'm a good homeschool mom! I have chore charts and assigned tasks for each of my kids to do. But then, I'm also the one that has to enforce the doing, or just do it myself. Usually the latter is simpler and quieter; it saves the arguments and explosions of temper, and I don't get the "eye-rolls" quite so much when I just do it myself. Oh, and don't forget.... the 14-year-old son who is never full, and always hungry. Doesn't matter that he just ate a complete meal that I spent all afternoon cooking. He's hungry! "Mom, can I have that apple?" "Hey mom, why don't you make brownies.... we haven't had any in a long time and I'm hungry for brownies." "Never mind, I'll just eat this cereal for a snack."

So, never-ending laundry... I mean, when I actually see the bottom of the dirty clothes hamper, it's cause for a celebration! Never-ending cooking and eating, which leads to never-ending messes and dirty dishes. PLUS I homeschool my children (that's FOUR different grades at once!), and I tutor on the side. Actually, I'm also looking for a full-time job too... need to supplement the income. Honestly, now that I think about it... maybe the full-time job is so I can have a break, and do less work while getting paid more! Sounds good to me.

Okay, so I was saying: Yesterday was a Jonah Day for me. After two days of rain, and the kids in the house the whole time, I was on edge. I felt irritated with the slightest noises, digusted by the constant mess, aggravated that four kids could do so much damage in so little time and not even care. It was time for a pity party! I sent out the invitations to me, myself, and I. They came immediately and together we had the greatest party ever! I loudly banged pots and pans while complaining "I didn't eat this food, why am I the only one who ever does the dishes in this house!" Then I ran downstairs to Mt. Laundry to see if I could find a clean dishcloth and towel. I raised my voice like a yodeller and screamed "WHO dumped all this clean clothes all over the floor?! I want it picked up NOW!!!!" I came stomping back up the stairs to find my seven-year-old making himself a peanut butter and banana sandwich. Three very obvious slices of banana on the floor, went ignored. Okay, that was it! "I've had it!" I yelled in his face. "Go outside NOW, and leave me alone. You're such a pig!" I immediately regretted it, when I saw the tears well up in his eyes and he hung his head as he went out the door with his sandwich. But I was on a roll.... there's no way I was giving in now.   So I continued to bang dishes around and fill up the sink.... starting my cleaning, while I kept peeking out the window into the yard to see what my son was doing. He kept himself occupied for a few minutes, glancing once in a while to the kitchen window to try to determine if my mood had changed. I noticed, and felt guilty, but I just kept doing the dishes. Poor child! How many times have I crushed his tender heart with my selfishness?

Now yesterday was a sunny day, clear and warm. I had pre-arranged a week earlier for a play-date with some friends. It was supposed to be in the early afternoon. But I was having a Jonah Day and didn't feel like visiting with anyone, let alone "playing" with a bunch of kids at the park! Oh, I was irritated! I snapped at my ten-year-old daughter because of her "silly questions" and I grouchily told them all it was their own responsibility to get their things together to go the park. Twice, my friend called to say there had been an adjustment to the plans, and I sweetly agreed with her and said "no problem, we're flexible"; while the whole time I was fuming and just wanted to cancel it altogether. Her sister-in-law was coming too with her kids and had some questions for me about homeschooling. Oh, and her sister-in-law was bringing a friend who was very curious about homeschool and considering doing it with her children too. "Just great!" I muttered to myself.... "now I'm the 'expert homeschooler' and have to hold an impromptu conference with a bunch of people I don't even know!" But of course, once we got to the park I smiled and greeted everyone and we chatted and had a good time. It really wasn't bad, except for the guilt and shame I felt as I watched my fourteen-year-old mirroring my own attitude, while he sat withdrawn from the group and barely spoke to a "new friend" who was coerced to come by his mom intentionally to meet my son. Whoa! It's true... the emotion and ambience of the family is set by the mother. The kids ran, and played, and mingled and had a good time. Actually, so did I!

The tears came later, in the evening. After making supper (which I was not eating), I had retreated to my bedroom, while the kids were out playing with some friends. I sat on my bed perusing the grocery flyers and trying to make up my shopping list. I was again feeling sorry for myself. I mean, why am I left to single-handedly raise four precious, young souls..... and I'm doing such a lousy job of it? Why did my landlord have to make the mistake with the rent cheque THIS month?   Finances are tighter this month than they have been in a long time..... and he has to put the cheque in early THIS time? I know, I know... honest mistake and he offered to fix it. But me and my stupid pride said not to bother I'll be fine! "God, why are you testing me like this? What is it you want from me?   What about ME needing a break, wanting someone to show me they care about me? Where did all MY dreams and hopes go? Will I ever find true love with a man, or am I doomed to single parenting and loneliness the rest of my life? How can I be so mean to my children who I'm supposed to love and care for?" All the concerns, doubts, thoughts, hopes, worries, fears, dreams, desires started pouring out. And I cried! I felt such freedom crying, and questioning God, and knowing that no matter my attitude... He loves me!!!! I had freedom in knowing that God is bigger than any complaint or blame I can place on Him, and He is patient enough to listen to all my whining without condemning me. Oh the comfort and freedom to really, truly be ME (good, bad and ugly) and still be loved and accepted.

I calmed down and began to read my Bible, letting the love of my dearest Friend wash over me. Soon I put my Bible down and started reading an excellent book for women (Captivating by John and Stasi Eldridge) that I keep in the drawer by my bed. I've read it before, but I love how it expresses the deepest yearnings and aches of my heart. Then there was a knock on my bedroom door. My ten-year-old daughter brought in a cup of green-mint tea (my favourite) in my fancy china teacup and saucer. "Here Mom, I made you some tea", she said and handed it to me. I set it on the bedside table, then gave her a kiss and hug and said "Thank you!" She left to get ready for bed, and as I picked up my teacup to take a sip, the tears began to flow again. I had been so horrible to my kids all day, and she was sweetly bringing me tea and telling me she loved me. "Oh, God" I cried, "I don't deserve this, but thank you. Thank you, Jesus, for loving me even when I'm unlovable and thank you for giving me such precious children."

I'm glad that with my Abba (Daddy), the Lover of my soul I am free to be genuine with all my hurts, pains, troubles, and sin. Yet, He still loves me! That is the ulitmate in freedom. A free that I don't feel I can truly have anywhere else because I might be judged or criticized or misunderstood. But God knows my every thought and He still loves me. He holds my hand all along the path of life, and when I stumble and fall, He is right there picking me up and setting me right again. Thank you Father!

I did apologize to my children, and asked for their help to keep me accountable in a certain matter I'm dealing with. So now I'm off to sort and fold clean clothes, in an attempt to reduce Mt. Laundry to a conquerable size.

Laughter

noreply@blogger.com (Tracy Bergsma) — Tue, 01 Jun 2010 15:46:00 +0000

Hahahahahahaha! LOL! ROFL! Laughter, real deep from the soul laughter is so freeeeeing! Ahhh, it feels so good to laugh. Laughing alone is great tonic for a downcast soul, but laughing with those you love is even better. You want to feel FREE? Okay, here is an exercise:

Laugh!Laugh!

I don't mean a fake tehehehe... I mean a real guttural guffaw. Proverbs 17:22 says "A merry heart does good like a medicine." Nothing eases stress, depression, anger, worry or pain like a good laugh. Have you ever been stressed out to the max and had someone do or say something really funny? I have! Let me tell you..... the instant I start laughing, the load rolls off my back. What changed? Nothing but my attitude. So many people tell me they love my smile, and it is catching! How can I smile when things are not going right? Well.... I don't always. But when I make a conscious effort to smile, the world seems brighter and all my troubles seem less. Especially when my smile earns me a beautiful smile in return! It really is catchy. "A merry heart makes a cheerful countenance; but by sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken." (Proverbs 15:13) Smile at someone, make them laugh, laugh at yourself.... you will see how instantly it heals the woes and wounds of a heavy heart.

I love spending time with people who can make me laugh. Laughter brings such freedom. When I am most tense and ready to blow, one of my kids will do or say something that makes be burst into laughter. Usually it is unintentional on their part, but it sure is a release for me. And it saves me from blowing my top at one of them and saying something I would deeply regret later. It has almost become a contest in our family to see who can draw the most laughs. If one of us notices a grumpy face, or an irritated attitude, the rest do our best to be comical, sarcastic, silly, ridiculous, make faces.... whatever it takes to get a smile and hopefully a laugh. Although this sounds so basic and simple.... it really is God's design. Laughter is like sunshine, it improves the mood instantly. And God must have a sense of humour, after all, He made me!

So you want to get free from your worries and what's stressing you? Change your attitude, smile, learn to laugh. Laughing at yourself can really ease a lot of tension. Laughing with others, endears you to each other. Laughter is a great tonic, God's amazing natural medicine for many things that ail you.

I guarantee you will find laughing frees your spirit!

Free from worry, fear and doubt

noreply@blogger.com (Tracy Bergsma) — Mon, 31 May 2010 19:34:00 +0000

Please sit down before you read this. It will be such a great shock to you and I know you will have trouble believing it, but make sure to breathe. Okay, so I want everyone to know that I am 100% human. I am no super power or perfect being... I have faults and make mistakes. I am often overcome with worry, fear and doubt. Phew! I'm glad that's out! :D

Yes, I am human and I struggle with doubt and worry. Do I need to? NO! Should I struggle with these things? NO! But I do and this radically free me is a journey and a growth process. I have lots of learning and unlearning to do, and lots of facing myself in the mirror and telling myself the truth. Then comes the slow growing and maturing process. It will not happen overnight. And so, I struggle and learn.

I am reminded of Jacob who wrestled all night with the LORD until the morning started to dawn, not knowing it was God. Jacob refused to let go of the man until he received a blessing. So God touched him in the thigh so that it was out of joint. Jacob received his blessing that night and a new name, Israel. He realized that he had seen God face to face and had been wrestling with the Holy One. It is obvious that Jacob never walked the same after that experience. (You can read the text yourself in Genesis 32:24-32) This just reveals to me that the struggle, the wrestling, is not the problem. It is succumbing to those things I struggle with, letting them gain control over me, that is the problem. I become a slave to my own doubts, I let worry control my thoughts and actions. I would much rather wrestle with God and have Him change my walk forever.

I wrestle with doubt, with trusting God completely, with worry about things I cannot control. Do I want to be free from these weaknesses? Of course I do! But the bigger question is: What am I doing to get free from worry, fear, doubt? Well, honestly... not much! You see, I know the many verses of scripture: "Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you." (1 Peter 5:7)
"The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?" (Psalm 27:1)
"If ye have faith, and doubt not, ye shall not only do this which is done to the fig tree, but also if ye shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; it shall be done." (Matthew 21:21)
"But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:19)
There are so many verses and so many examples in the Bible that show how God will look after us, lead us, provide for us. Yet, still I doubt. I worry about things that I have no control over and I am robbed of peace and contentment. Why?

I do not have a sure answer, other than the fact that I permit my imperfect, weak, selfish, human nature to control my spirit and emotions. If I have given control to doubts, to selfishness, to fear, then obviously God is not in control of my life. Not because He can't be, but because I don't permit Him to be! So what is the remedy.... how do I get free from worry and doubt? Quite simply, TRUST!

Trust the One who is the LORD of all, the Creator, Redeemer, Saviour, Lover of my soul. If I but take Him at His word and trust my most faithful and truest Friend, I will be free of all worry, fear and doubt. But again, it is a journey, a process. It does not happen instantly. I believe it is also a continuing exercise. Just because I once trusted God before, does not mean I am trusting now. It is a moment by moment yielding of my mind and heart to Him. I may trust for His provision for this week, yet at the same time worry about the negative influences of school on my children. Either God is GOD OF ALL or He is not God at all!!! The problem is not with HIM, it is with ME.

This, I believe, is the foundation of doubt and worry. I grew up learning all the Bible stories of all the great "heroes of faith". I read and believe all the things about God's love, provision, protection, care, miracles, redemption.... etc. But the truth is, I don't truly believe that God cares that much for me in a personal way. Therein is my downfall and slavery to worry. I DOUBT the person of God and His love for ME!!! I feel like I have to do something to merit His care. I need to make myself into someone acceptable to Him before He will look after me. So, the answer to freedom in this area would be to trust God. Trust that He is who He says He is; trust that He will do what He says He will do; trust that He loves ME, as if I was the only person in all of creation, and that I matter dearly to Him! God has not changed; He is the same yesterday, today and forever. It is I who needs to change. I need to know and believe that my God is still able.

Am I radically free from worry, doubt and fear? No. But I am on the path to freedom, I am learning and growing daily in trust in my Abba, Father. The verse that best describes this weakness in my life, and my heart's cry is "Lord I believe; help thou mine unbelief." (Mark 9:24)

Dear friend, I trust that you too will learn to believe that He cares for YOU! Get radically free of worry, fear and doubt. Rest in the arms of the Almighty!