Some of you may have noticed the new hand lotion in the restrooms. Unbeknownst to the janitorial staff, this particular lotion was not approved for general crew use yet, as it was still in the experimental phase. For those that have used the lotion more than three times in a 48 hour period may have noticed, the lotion has the unfortunate side effect of transforming fingers into soft and subtle lactating appendages, not unlike those of a dairy bovine. Reports of such teats appearing elsewhere the lotion was applied, have also been reported. If you have sampled the lotion, please report to the sick bay at your earliest convenience.

I would like to point out the janitorial staff is not to blame on this manner as one of the scientists accidentally left her tub of experimental lotion next to one of the cleaning closets. It was an honest mistake, although in the future, please clearly mark all experimental substances as such.

The good news is that the ship’s dairy supply has been restocked to full capacity so the cook has thrown together all sorts of creamy delights for this evening’s meal.

Also, May the fourth be with you.

That is all.

Sincerely,

- Captain Tortuga

I don’t know about beards being cool, but they sure seem to be the new hotness in hip and trendy manscaping. Everyone seems to be sporting beards lately. In fact, just last week I overheard the ship’s computer having a conversation with the scientists about getting a beard for the ship’s hull. Computers, they’re so impressionable; it seems like they’ll take any programming anyone throws at them.

I do wonder what Pi is going to find under that luxurious mane of First Officer Marauder.

Lakes and Oceans by xkcd

For the three of you out there that don’t follow the wonderful comic xkcd, their latest diagram, in our humble opinion, is the best diagram ever. It’s a fantastic illustration of the various depths of the world’s great bodies of water. I sooo need a poster of this in my study.

Check out the full majesty of the comic over at xkcd.

Jellyfish really do like bacon. In fact, they like it just as much or more than your average pork loving person. So, it’s always best to not go swimming with  pocket full of bacon unless you want to attract a swarm of jellies. This is a true fact of trueness that I totally didn’t just make up. Truth.

To: All

Alas, another April 1st is plaguing the ship once again. And by plague, I mean boils, rashes, extra eyeballs growing in uncomfortable places, and the uncontrollable urge to sing “This is the Song That Never Ends”.  As some of you are aware, the scientists developed a special plague as an April Fools’ joke (not to be actually used, of course). Unfortunately, someone else it decided that it might be fun to release the aforementioned plague as another April Fools’ joke. The good news is that we now have plenty of field data to actually sell the malady on the Evil Overlord market. So, there is that.

In other news, we have Hip Bananas, our resident beat poetry monkey, is performing some of his latest works and his interpretation of Jack Kerouac’s “The Wheel of the Quivering Meat Conception” in the mess hall this evening after dinner. There will be a two banana cover charge at this event.

For those of you still planning on your own April Fools’ pranks, I would like to remind you to avoid any more pathogens, scent based pranks, and opening of exterior air locks. Remember, fun not deadly. Right? Right.

Good luck with all the tomfoolery and fooltommery.

That is all.

- Captain Tortuga

One evening as the sun went down
And the deep sea vents were burning,
Down the track came a hobo jelly drifting,
And he said, “Boys, I’m not floating
I’m headed for a water that’s far away
Besides the sea-fire currents
So come with me, we’ll go and see
The Big Gummy Candy Mountains

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Gee, it sure would be nice to have a pair of hyper-intelligent jellies around here. They would be all smart and stuff and tell me interesting smart stuff so I could post that smart stuff on all my social network sites and then I’d look all smart and stuff.” I’m sorry to break this to you, but hyper-intelligent jellies are only hyper-intelligent in relation to other jellies. In short, they’re pretty much idiots. They do have a knack for puns, though. So, there is that.

Also, if you are looking for intellectual enlightenment from jellyfish, you should probably re-evaluate your educational goals.

Oh, and hey! We get to meet Dr. Gestalt, a fairly recent addition to the S.S. Isopod crew. You can check out her bio. over at the New Reader page.

You know what would be awesome? If every Galapagos giant tortoise wore a little fake moustache and a tiny fez. Someone needs to make that a thing. But if the authorities ask, you didn’t get that idea from me.

Also, hey, would you look at that! The story of the mysterious anomaly is finished! Yay! Now we can finally get on with more random comics. It’s been so long I’ve forgotten what the interior of the ship looks like.

Here’s some fun facts about icosahedrons:

• They have 20 sides
• They have 30 edges
• Each of the faces are identical equilateral triangles
• It is a platonic solid
• You can buy them in many many many pretty colors and with fur
• Many viruses come in icosahedron packaging
• It is the heart of a Magic 8 Ball

By ardyn via Flickr

To: SS Isopod Romantically Inclined Lifeforms

As you may have noticed, today is Valentine’s Day. For most of you, this usually means sulking in your cabin, or in the common room, or in the hallways while clinging to some beverage of indeterminate origin. To those, I wholly encourange your sulking. Everyone needs a good sulk now and then, as I always say. It builds character. Plus, having all your sulking limited to a specific day really makes productivity scheduling that much easier. For the rest of you who feel you must pursue romantic entanglement on this day, I would like to remind you of ship protocol least your love addled minds forget.

- Romantic relationships with experiments is still prohibited.

- “Platonic Valentines” containing plutonium is still prohibited.

- Reprogramming the cleaner bots to provided free hugs and kisses is still prohibited.

- New this year, creating your own Valentine’s candy in the lab is prohibited.

- New this year, any sentient flowers found outside of the kennels will be relocated to the incinerator.

One more note, while relationships between crew members is not prohibited, it is requested that all “hanky-panky” be kept in personal quarters. I think I speak for everyone when I say, no one wants to see that. Remember that poor Dr. Smackly was compelled to self-scramble his own brain after witnessing such an occurrence. If you are the victim of such horrors, remember that the sick bay still offers complimentary memory scrubbing.

The cook would like everyone to know that the theme for tonight’s meal is chocolate. So, if you have been craving some nice gianduja dipped shrimp kebabs, or a coconut and coco lobster bisque, tonight’s the night!

That is all.

Sincerely,

Captain Tortuga