Bearmageddon is a beautiful full color graphic novel by Ethan Nicolle (why yes, that is the same Ethan Nicolle that does Axe Cop). It is about a group of friends that are thrown in the middle of angry bear mayhem. It runs twice a week.

Oh man… how much do I love this comic? So very much. Ethan’s characters are always full of personality and whimsy and the coloring adds an extra level of awesome to this already well rounded comic. Do I really need to tell you to check out Bearmageddon? I mean, it’s Armageddon with BEARS. The art is fantastic and the story so far is very fun, bloody and full of chunky meat parts, but fun meat parts.  Go check it out already. It’s good stuff. Really.

As many of you may have noticed, today happens to be a Friday. As many of you may have also noticed, today happens to be the 13th as well. While the more scientifically minded amongst you know that any negative correlation between these two occurrences are purely an unfortunate coincidence, I would just like to remind the rest of you that silly superstions (albeit, a time honored seafaring tradition) will not be tolerated.

Yes, I do realize that for unknown reasons all the bathroom stalls have mysteriously detached from the bulkhead and are now floating freely. Yes, I do realize that there has been an outbreak of black kitten-spiders on level 23. Yes, I do know the ship is spontaneously covered in flesh-eating jellies who have started emerging out of the moon pool. Indeed, I am aware that a few of you have reported unexpected tentacular growths. Also, I have heard that the mess hall has split off into thirteen almost identical dimensions.

I assure you, all of these incidents are 100% (+- an uncertainty factor of 97.369%) unrelated, or at least unrelated to this particular day.  No amount of lucky unicorn shoes or ferret’s feet or cultist luck rituals or four leafed sentient clovers will change this fact.

Please cease and desist your sad devotion to those ancient supersitions. We need all hands and full attentions to help with the clean up.

That is all.

Sincerely,

-Captain Tortuga

Chickens! Don’t look at me like that. You knew it was inevitable that eventually there would be a chicken. There’s some rule about that, I think.

Truth be told, I’m not very good at consoling any entity. Unless there happens to be an entity that prefers the sort of awkward clueless consoling that I seem to excel at. I could, hypothetically, console that entity quite well. The rest of you, well, I’m afraid you might have a more fulfilling experience from a stuffed bear than from me. I’m telling you this to save both of us the embarrassment of inadequate consoling. Actually, I keep a spare stuffed bear on hand just in case of such emergency. Well, bionic stuffed bear. I assure you it’s mostly harmless and has been programmed with over five thousand forms of comforting.

As many of you are aware, it is indeed “Talk Like A Pirate” Day. Seeing as the S.S. Isopod employees a fair selection of the piratical sorts, the excess pirate-themed talk is a bit… redundant. Folks seem to think this means they need to add extra “arrrrs” to their already “arrrr” saturated speech. Please note, if you are already a pirate, in most cases, you already talk like one. There is no need to put in the extra effort.

As for the scientists, many of whom are not and have never been of the pirate persuasion, hearing you “talk” like a pirate is, well, it’s just sad. Just… just stop it. The concept is obviously beyond your grasp.

For example, I overheard  the following conversation in the hall just moments ago.

Random Scientist 1: “Arr there, my fellow researrrrrrcher. How be ye?”

Random Scientist 2: “I arr be arr verrrrarrrrghy well arr. Thank thee arr for yarr askarrging.”

Random Scientist 1: “What?”

Random Scientist 2: “I said, I be aaaarrrrrrrgggggood.”

Random Scientist 1: “Ah! Ah ha! Ha! I see! Brilliant! Ahem… I mean, that be great, har har! Yo-ho-ho!  Avast! Have ye seen tharrrrrrr yonder today’s what crawled out o’ t’ bung hole special?”

Random Scientist 2: “Arrrg! Nay, arrrr! Arrrrr! What be thar speciarrrrrrrrl o’ t’galley? Arrr?”

Random Scientist 1: “I hearrrrr ’tis t’grog o’Davy Jones, ’tis. Y’arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!”

At which point I had to shut my door and scoop out my ears with a rusty spoon. I’m sorry I had to subject you to that example, but now you know, and knowing is half the battle. The other half the battle is to send any person abusing their “Talk Like a Pirate” Day privileges to the Pain Sauna. Consider this your warning.

Which reminds me, the cook would like to announce that he ordered about 20 barrels of bona fide grog for the crew this evening. Also, the medic would like to remind everyone that drinking the grog is mandatory on account of the recent epidemic of Euclidean space scurvy going around the ship.

That is all.

Sincerely,

- Captain Torguga

Like Yeah!!

I have some good news and some bad news.

The good news is that the underwater “UFO” is neither unidentified nor flying although it is an object. So those of you worried about an intergalactic incident being started because some drunken extraterristial took Uncle Blipblop’s sports spaceship out for a joy ride and carelessly crashed it into our ocean, can rest easy. The bad news is that it’s actually the giant anti-grav turbo super fun-time trampoline that we had ordered (as a surprise, I might add) from the Underground Questionable Science Emporium. From what I hear, apparently even they get boarded sometimes (something about the Swedish coast guard and tactile pickled herrings), and they were forced to eject their entire shipment.

Sorry.

In other news, there will be extra cake for dessert tonight. So, there is that.

Sincerely,

- Captain Tortuga

You know what’s also bad? The appalling lack of content lately. We are sorry about that.  We have just ordered a new set of seaminions to remedy the situation. These ones have been guaranteed not to spontaneously combust (unlike the last set). Thanks and please standby for hopefully less ridiculously late content.

P.S. You also also know what’s bad? Mint tacos with mustard. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.