Radioactive Cheese

Sunburns and snow: summer in the mountains

2011-07-16T07:53:00.000-07:00

I decided to be hip and trendy and start using the Helvetica font. How ironic! Well, not really, I've been using fonts other than Times New Roman since before they went mainstream. Courier New was always my favorite because it looks like a typewriter's font.

I majored in English, how can I not be particular about my fonts?

Anyway, in homage to the hipsters, this post is done semi-un-ironically in Helvetica. ENJOY (or just stand in the corner, sipping PBR and puffing American Spirits while complaining about how you liked Radioactive Cheese before it had 2,000 hits.)

...I feel like we should celebrate, but I'm too busy punching lions in the face and wrestling grizzly bears in the back-country to make a celebratory comic.

ANYWAY! Time for the real reason you are here! Comics!

After months of drawing Georgie as a bug eyed puffball, she gets her revenge. There's nothing on earth quite like a Maltese getting revenge. (Eez so cuuuuute and deadly!)

Georgie is snuggly cuddly soft and radiates sunshine and happiness...or something like that. She also poops a lot. On the deck. Unapologetically. She also runs off sometimes and totally freaks Sam out since large birds have been reported to have picked up dogs and eat them.

Yes, everything out here can and will KILL YOU DEAD. That may be why Wyoming is the least populated state (even Alaska has more people than us). It may also be why my county is the least populated one in Wyoming too. (There is barely 10,000 people living in this county, and it is bigger than the entire state of Rhode Island. Our population density is something like 2 people for every square mile.)

So what do I do with all this seclusion? I take my shirt off!!!

There's 7,200ft less atmosphere up here to filter out the UV rays, and after 9 months of winter I lost my tan from the previous summer for the first time ever. I also got my first hardcore sunburn as well, one of the benefits of being 1/4 Native American...aside from the inability to handle alcohol and the insatiable urge to sleep outside.

I spent the next two weeks soaked in aloe gel with lidocain and not touching ANYTHING.

However, the weather here is bipolar. It was hot and sunny at the beginning of June, then it snowed on the 16th. (The day after my birthday, I was more annoyed that it didn't snow on my birthday than the by the fact it was snowing at all in June. I've always wanted to have a snowball fight on my birthday.)

Sweater in the morning. Shorts in the afternoon. Coat after sundown. You must keep gear for all types of weather with you at all times. It's not uncommon to switch from heat to air conditioning and back again in one day when driving. ...and when the nearest town is 100 miles away, there's a lot of driving.

One of the (many) positive aspects of living out here is the unique history. Mountain Men get a 4 day long festival in early July called Rendezvous. Historical re-enactments, crazy delicious food and bands each night make it essentially the Mardi Gras of the mountains...plus the bars are open all night long for one of the nights. I am still recovering.

Next year I will definitely be participating in the re-enactment. They take the historical accuracy very seriously, and I'm always looking for an excuse to grow out my beard and ride bareback while drinking whisky from a large jug.

The official state sport of Wyoming is Rodeo, so naturally there is a really big one held during Rendezvous. I haven't got the cajones nor the funds to pay the medical bills afterwards to participate in it (yet), but my adrenaline addiction is leading me in that direction.

In the meantime, I will live vicariously through Sam's dog, Georgie, and the magic of static-cling!

I'm 155 pounds and 6ft tall. Basically, a walking skeleton thanks to running. If I were to take up the sport, I would inevitably be flung higher than anyone else, thankfully years of air-falling in Hapkido should have me prepared to get my ass kicked by a raging 2,000 pound bull.

If the comics stop coming, assume I died in a bull riding accident. I have adrenaline issues and need thrills.

I also need cookies.

As a hyperactive runner, I require 5,000 calories or more a day just to keep from falling over from hunger. Cookies are the food of the Gods, and I need them. All the time.

[I have no idea how to transition from this comic to the next, so deal with it.]

Much like myself, most of the staff for both newspapers out here is from the Midwest. My roommate is from southern Illinois, and Sam and another reporter are from Chicago. Sometimes going home to visit is unavoidable...which leaves me essentially unsupervised.

If anyone is going to take over Chicago, it would be Sam and Georgie (in a viking helmet).

And now for something completely different! (Not really)

2011-05-25T19:06:00.000-07:00

So, I got a job, moved to the mountains and totally started ignoring the blog-comic. Big surprise and even bigger let down, eh holmes?

Well suck it up! I'm still drawing new stuff, I just haven't been uploading lately because...well...I've been busy.

Really! I have been!

Actually, that's a lie. I've been working, running, and brooding over the insane student loan payments that are absolutely crushing me financially. Fortunately, laughter is the best medicine. Laughter, and donuts.

I really do not like this first comic, it was a busy week and I was in a pissy mood and it reflects in the lack of wit. Scroll past this monstrosity and pretend it never happened. Do it and I'll be your best friend!

Winter took forever to end around here, and not just because this place is way up in the mountains either. This was an unusually long winter, even for here. My complaints are valid. Don't doubt me, and I'm not a wimp for getting cold easily! (Fun side effect of being like 2% body fat?)

Up next...my complete lack of consistency in character design! Hooray! Also, I love cadburry eggs and eating tons of Easter candy. Tripping balls on sugary treats is exactly how Zombie Jesus would want us to celebrate.

It seems that the better my mood, the bigger the eyes...I don't really like these large egg shaped things, I think I will stick with the beady ones for everything other than extreme expressions.

Extreme expressions such as complete ecstasy over growing a mustache! (I didn't actually grow a mustache, but imagine the shenanigans! They would be the classiest, most soccer-dad-esque shenanigans ever.)

Mustaches make everything classy and awesome. Actually, facial hair in general is the coolest. If you have the means to do so, I highly recommend it, it is so choice.

Growing mustaches/beards is definitely the epitome of awesome, but sloshing around in a massive mud pit is a very close second. Combine the two for an awesomeness combo that is guaranteed to attract the ladies!

I'm pretty sure Sam would kill me if I got Georgie covered in mud since she is her dog and I've yet to contribute to the keep-Georgie-snuggle-soft fund.

Note: Georgie gets an energy efficient and environmentally friendly idea because she is a trendy and progressive little pooch. We should all be more like her (and bark at everything that moves too).

I don't typically condone violence of any kind...justice on the other hand, well that's a complicated thing for me. I've also got a dark side that thinks a quick death was too good for him. Personally, I would have paid good money to give Osama a swift kick in the groin.

And now for something completely different!

I often wonder what other people are doing when I'm not around. I also sometimes day dream about the awesome things people (or dogs) could be doing when I'm not around. 90% of the time, assume that I'm thinking you are off having epic adventures while I'm at work or at home doing dishes. If you freaking walk into Mordor while I'm stuck doing other things, then I will...umm...do something unpleasant!

It took until about May or so for it to get warm enough to go running with no shirt on. Then it rained for about a week straight. Fan-freaking-tastic timing to get rid of my gym membership. I don't run in the rain, it's a good way to ruin my ipod and it is also a recipe for INFLUENZA.

I didn't grow up around Italian-Americans. Iowa was mostly people of German, Mexican, Dutch, or Irish decent...or any combination of the four. So, I was shocked to learn that Italians can be naturally blonde, and I still assume mob connections and a double life as a magician is the Italian-American way of life. Also, bread sticks, lots and lots of bread sticks (thank you, Olive Garden, for forever skewing my views on Italian-Americans with your horrid commercials that make my mouth water).

Anyway, Luvisi sounds like a magician's name to me, and I'm so jelly that I could feed Africa with my jelly sammiches.

The reason for this? My last name is the butt of so many Mr. Roger's jokes (won't ya be my neighbor/naber) that it makes my head explode with rage.

Fun fact, my old last name from my biological father, "Truitt," is Gaelic for "direct hit" ....I think my new name that implies being the friendly guy next door is more fitting, but I am kind of jealous that my last name doesn't sounds like a freaking magician's one!

Update in a month or so? I dunno...eventually, for sure!

Ozone, funding disputes and a new truck

2011-04-03T11:31:00.000-07:00

The county I moved to is loaded with money. Pinedale's population is just barely 2,000 yet there is a 20 million dollar aquatic center and just about everywhere you go is extravagant.

Unfortunately, most of these awesome facilities are funding with oil money because there's tons of drilling going on in this area. What makes this really suck is the ground level ozone that occurs in the late winter/early spring when it's sunny and warm but there's still a super reflective layer of snow on the ground which ultimately traps and bakes the chemicals in the air...or something like that.

Anyway, we have ozone advisory days that say young, old and sick people should stay indoors and avoid strenuous activity. I'm neither young, old or sick...but I am a notorious running addict, so I ignore this and go running anyway.

Then my nose bleeds and I get light headed, which completely ruins my Nike+ running stats. (Don't judge me, you try running with a face full of your own blood...it's not easy!)

Suffice it to say, I have conflicting feelings about the oil drilling. I love what it does for the community, but hate what it does to the environment.

There are so many of these oil rigs on the horizon that at night it looks like an alien invasion.

Another unusual side effect of these oil companies drilling in the area is that Pinedale gets more funding than Big Piney, these are the two school districts in the county so it's a pretty big deal.

By national standards, neither school district is hurting...but national standards for school funding are a joke.

Pinedale (SCSD#1) has some pretty amazing stuff for their kids, trips are funded, the new elementary school is the nicest I've ever seen, and the list goes on. Big Piney (SCSD#9) isn't as well funded as Pinedale, but it's still a lot better than any school I saw in Iowa despite it's even smaller size than Pinedale.

So what happens when one school district gets a bigger piece of the oil-pie due to district lines from the 1970's? A feude worthy of a Clint Eastwood western movie ensues! ...minus the gun-slinging.

Both are in better shape than the rest of the world, yet arguing still ensues. SCSD#1 uses their excess funds for recreational purposes, not educational, so they are free to do as they please with it...and fortunately for me, this means having a multi-million dollar recreational center across the street from my house. (Indoor waterslide and a rock climbing wall is the shit!)

These things are available for anyone, but it's a 40 mile drive for Big Piney...so getting upset is kind of understandable. However, taxes are higher in Pinedale to make up for this.

These have been the big things to report on lately, so I'm never in short supply of articles to write. (And that means job security for me.)

One thing that was a threat to my job though was my piece of shit truck that Wolf Dodge sold to me a couple months ago. Roughly $2,000 in repairs for a $7,000 truck in less than 6 weeks of owning it is bullcrap. My extended warranty covered none of the repairs that were needed either...total moose-crap!

I sent out e-mails to every car dealer in western Wyoming and eastern Idaho telling them what I wanted and asking them to find something that fit all my criteria.

First Choice Ford in Rock Springs found a 2007 Chevy Colorado within a week of this, and now Uma is no more. (snaps for First Choice Ford)

I'm not the type to go cruising, but this is the first vehicle I've ever owned that is from the 21st century and isn't constantly threatening to kill me. I haven't named her yet, but mudding is definitely going to happen...and at 24 mpg, why not?

The scooter that I drove in college got 110 mpg, but the yellow POS truck got 11 mpg, so I'm pretty stoked even though I sometimes kind of miss only using pocket change for gas money.

I've Been A Bad Blogger

2011-03-13T12:10:00.000-07:00

Over a month with no updates!?! Blasphemy!

I would say that I've been busy drawing fantastic cartoons for you all to enjoy, but that would be a dirty lie. A very dirty lie!

But fear not, kids! Captain Matt is green and not just because he is Irish and it is almost St. Patrick's Day either. I'm going to recycle the comics I posted on Facebook as I made them for the newspaper, so if you read them already...well, you're just going to have to read them again. (Along with my babbling.)

In retrospect, this comic is kind of crap. Deal with it.

I freaking hate deer now. I normally don't hold grudges, but ever since a deer destroyed my car I have wanted revenge.

Cold blooded revenge.

I was walking to the PAC (Pinedale Aquatic Center) to go running, and there was a group of deer just chilling out by the high school and I wanted nothing more than to roundhouse kick them in the face. I was seriously debating whether or not to do it, I mean after all, they did try to kill me earlier this year. I was going over what the fines would be for killing a deer without a hunting license and wondering whether or not hunting meant using a gun or bow.

Is it legal to kill a deer using martial arts? Is it legal to do so on school grounds?

I didn't know for sure, and not wanting to get in trouble with the law, I let the deer live...for now.

I've never had any desire to go hunting, but recent events have lead me to want to do it very badly. Besides, I deserve my revenge.

This next comic is more of an inside joke for those living in Pinedale, but if you are from a small town you will know what I'm talking about.

Traffic lights change things.

Roughly 7,000 vehicles pass through Pinedale and there is no traffic light. Left hand turns are impossible and crossing the street would be deadly if the people here weren't nice enough to stop and let pedestrians cross.

As a runner and gas-saving-enthusiast, I appreciate this...but I still think a traffic light would benefit the town. It would at least get people to stop and see what few shops and awesome restaurants are here anyway.

This next comic is an introduction of our new reporter, Sam. Unfortunately when drawn in my minimalistic style, Sam and Jacie look very similar.

As much as I love cats, I'm also a very big dog person as well. Typically I don't count anything smaller than a beagle to be a "real dog," but Georgie is an exception. She demands it.

Since Sam actually works at the same newspaper as me and I hang out with her fairly frequently, she will be in a lot of upcoming comic strips.

As an ex-fast food employee, I try to avoid those restaurants because I know they are dirty and their food is horrible for me.

As a junk food enthusiast and notorious sugar fiend, I ignore these facts.

There's no fast food in Pinedale. The closest McDonald's is in Jackson, along with the closest anything. There's no Wal-Mart either. My inner economic-hippy is thrilled since I really enjoy the Main Street vibe and buying local...however, my Irish pride and forbidden love affair with bad food gets the better of me when it comes to Shamrock Shakes.

Eff fine dining, I want some soft serve ice cream blended with artificial green mint goo served in a paper cup by a greasy and angry teenager. Aaaah yeeee!

My yellow truck (Uma) is a lemon and this is irony that I do not appreciate.

I spent $7,000 for this 1999 4x4 Dodge Ram 1500, $1300 for an extended warranty, $460 on tax/title/license, $380 on steering repairs and $680 on new gaskets (neither were covered by my extended warranty, those stingy jerks). The cherry on top of my sundae of debt is that my new clothes dryer cost $380 and it didn't work nor would the store take it back or exchange it...luckily Whirlpool is providing free repairs.

The dealership I worked with on buying and repairing this truck twice admitted to knowing there were problems with it when the sold it to me. I am one repair away from qualifying to file a lawsuit under the Lemon Law. I was going to run this comic in the newspaper, but decided against it since my room-mate/friend does sales for the other paper and the sales rep for my paper has enough problems selling with them as it is and I didn't want to create any bad vibes for either of them. Plus I may need to work with this dealership again anyway.

My ego was so shot by all of this that I went out and spent $120 on a new cowboy hat. My old one smelled like campfires and was getting kind of crappy...plus everyone gives me beef for always wearing my Iowa baseball hat despite living in Wyoming and reporting on agricultural/environmental news.

Cultural adaptation happens. (Fun side note, it's a total chick magnet...I hope [girlfriend] doesn't mind. Everyone knows I'm taken anyway, it's just ego-boosting to be asked to dance by multiple girls in the same night.)

I'm a shallow person sometimes.

Suffice it to say, college food is back on the menu and my trips around the world to visit friends are postponed until further notice. (That was why I bought such a cheap truck in the first place.)

This is the replacement comic that I made when paranoia sunk in and I decided to pull a Ghandi. "An eye for an eye and the whole world is blind." In my case, "The reporter who reports on being shafted by the car dealer gets no road-side assistance."

My only problem at work is my running addiction. Actually, this is the only problem in my life. I can't miss a day of running, otherwise I get irritable and easily distracted by everything.

If you haven't figured it out by now, I have ADHD and I refuse medication for it. I don't believe that taking a pill to be "normal" is a natural thing to do. I also don't believe that I am abnormally fast and easily distracted. Instead I believe that everyone else is abnormally slow and that some things just aren't that interesting.

ADHD medication is an amphetamine, it releases chemicals into your brain that otherwise would be out of wack. Running also releases chemicals, but does so naturally and while improving my overall health. This is one of the many reasons I have to run every day, it keeps me sane.

Plus, given how insane life can be, a little sanity is necessary; and in my case that comes in the form of running shoes and an ipod.

Shaved my beard and ate a peanut butter and jealousy sandwhich

2011-02-05T12:54:00.000-08:00

Before we get this shindig started, sit back and take in the awesome new layout that my old student/protege, Kim Sloan, made for the site! Not bad for still being in high school, huh?

Snaps for Kim!

*snap snap snap*

If you want her to hook you up, she's doing some freelance web-design work and I can get you her contact info while she sets up her own site.

Now, on with the show!

It was as cold as a witches left tit up here this week. Up until now it has been a jackets-optional kind of winter, so I was loving it. I went so far as to shave my beard in celebration of the warm weather.

Then el diablo unleashed a whole tank of liquid nitrogen on the mountains and I got a pretty annoying cough which kept me from going running for like 3 days! I was pissed!

I kind of forgot just how much I look like a teenager without an epically huge red beard covering my face. I also forgot how chilly things can get when you don't have a permanent face mask on.

Unlike Iowa, spring doesn't really hit up here until April or May...or so I've been told. I guess this makes sense since the town is at 7200ft and the mountains peak out at like 14,000ft. Pretty awesome, but also pretty cold.

It was cold enough outside that our house made really loud creaking and popping noises, the power fluctuated on and off and water would freeze before hitting the ground! I didn't get to try it, but you could also blow bubbles and watch them freeze in midair.

I bet you all can guess what I will be doing next time we get a cold snap.

My new comic series, "Nerd on the Range," has been a pretty big hit with the newspaper so far. I wonder how long it will be before I reach statewide syndication? ...or even better, national syndication!

"Peanuts," "Blondie," and "The Family Circus" have been around for way too long, so it's time for them to be replaced by something new and awesome, and preferably made by me.

This would have been a longer entry, but it's finally warmed up enough to go outside and I am finally over my cough, so I am totally going running! I flushed out my system with about 10 pounds of fruit and chugged water like a champ, so I think I killed the virus dead. Dead in the streets! (Because I take the thug-gangster's no mercy approach to killing viruses, with some hardcore anti-oxidants.)

On an unrelated note, [Girlfriend] got to see The Decemberists concert in Chicago last night and am I radiating jealousy!

Someday I will see The Decemberists in concert, and I will go into a deep coma from sheer awesomeness.

Moved to the mountains

2011-01-28T21:35:00.000-08:00

I moved to Pinedale, Wyoming when I got a job offer at the Sublette Examiner as a reporter. Normally I wouldn't move 1,000 miles away from home without knowing someone in the area...but the 7200 ft elevation was too tempting to pass up for improving my running and learning how to snowboard.

My new job rocks, the office is loaded with mac computers, my coworkers are awesome and I got permission to make comics for the paper in addition to my regular reporting load. (One step closer to obtaining national syndication as a cartoonist...suck it, art school!)

Things were totally epic for this first few days.

Then I hit a freaking deer and totaled my car! A stupid suicidal deer on the other side of the highway jumped out in front of me and my only options were to swerve into oncoming traffic, go off the side of a mountain or hit the stupid jerk.

Not wanting to die, I hit the freak and drove 18 miles through the mountains at night with no headlight or passenger window. Fan-freaking-tastic.

I was so mad at that deer that I promptly broke my vegetarianism and ate a deer burger out of vengeance.

[Girlfriend] and I named my 2001 Daewoo "Appa" last summer because I bought it at the peak of our Avatar obsession (the anime series, not the blue freaks) . Daewoo was only made for a few years and then the company tanked...so parts are rare and expensive even though the car is cheap.

Fun fact of the day: Gigantic Wyoming deer love to kill cheap Korean cars.

So, I was 1,000 miles from home, new in town and fresh out of college with no income yet since my first pay day was 5 days away. There was no freaking way any bank would hook me up with a car loan without my parents as a co-signer...and I thought I was an adult. Guess not!

Fortunately, the people here are extremely nice and the local car dealer hooked me up with a crazy nice loaner truck until we could get me in something new. Despite all this, I was freaked!

After a week of begging the banks in Wyoming to hook me up with a loan, I ended up going with my hometown bank back in Iowa since they knew me well enough to know that screwing me over with high interest rates would be totally bogus.

My new ride is boss. In fact, I might go so far as to say is soooo cash.

I'm a diehard fan of "Kill Bill" and an alumni of the University of Iowa, so anything that is black and gold must be mine. I named her Uma (after Uma Thurman, my favorite actress who coincidentally looks a lot like [Girlfriend]).

My coworkers and friends reactions to my car crash were pretty similar...and it was a pretty good blow to my recently inflated ego. Yay karma!

Jacie is one of my chillest coworkers, so I drew her in my first comic to get printed in a newspaper since college.

[Since Pinedale is way up in the mountains, there are tons of moose here...so I grew a beard. Deal with it.]

So Appa is dead and I got a car loan in addition to my student loans to pay off...but it's worth it.

Doubt me? Best check yourself, fool, because I don't front...much.

Ch-ch-check this view out, cousin!

Living and training up here is improving my running in ways that never could have happened in Iowa. The thin air, massive mountains and awesome aquatic center across the street from my house is totally getting me ready for the 2012 Canadian Death Race. (77 miles in less than 24 hours over 3 mountain peaks).

You all knew I was insane, and this is the extent of my madness.

Best Day Ever

2011-01-11T19:59:00.000-08:00

I would have made some drawings for this update, but moving day is tomorrow. Deal with it, punk. (I will definitely be posting new blog/comics once I get settled into my new place though, so be excited.)

Today has been the best day ever. EVER.

Never before in the history of mankind, nor even during the duration of this plane of existence, has anyone had a better day than I had today. Be jelly.

1. I'm finally leaving my boring/smelly/depressing hometown tomorrow to start my first job-that-is-related-to-my-college-degree-and-is-something-I-actually-want-to-do job. Ooh yes, I am thrilled.

2. My great-grandma royally hooked me up with a ton of her frosted sugar cookies...to go along with the mountain of junk food my sister got me and the amazing DING DONGS WITH OREO FILLING that my ex-student/soon-to-be-protege made for me (if the dudes at the newspaper ever get their junk together and let her take my spot as columnist/film critic).

...if you can't tell by now from the frantic tone of my writing, I have been eating those snacks all day while packing and am on a sugar rush which is probably on the verge of becoming a food coma.

Also, you read right, Ding Dongs with Oreo Filling. Try it, it will change your perspective on snacking forever. FOREVER. (There is a reason why I chose [student] as my replacement at the newspaper, she is a genius at snacks and that's 90% of the writing process right there. Don't believe me? Note the dietary habits of Hemmingway, Mark Twain, and just about any good writer and you will find that they ate some odd-yet-amazing things.)

Anyway!

3. The iPhone is going to be available on Verizon soon. I am so stoked. I've wanted one for years, and I could care less about the other smart phones. The iPhone is shiny and made by Apple, therefore I need it. (Actually I just like how it looks and works when compared to other phones and could care less about expanding memory and all that other crap. It's a freaking cell phone, not a customizable car or desktop computer...so no whining about the Android, you harpies!)

4. Boxxy is back. She is my favorite internet meme (or whatever you want to call her/her character), and I can't wait to see her new videos!

If you don't know who I am talking about, watch this!

If your head didn't melt from that first video and you want to know more, watch this!

If you know who I am talking about, but don't believe me that she is back, watch this!

5. I just now realized that one of my old friends from Hapkido recently started teaching at Utah State University, and that is only a 3.5 hour drive from where I will be! It's going to rock hanging out with her again, and it's just comforting to know there is a friend nearby.

6. Today is Pocky Day. 1-11-11 (Pocky are delicious Japanese cookie sticks, and since they look like 1's, each day that is entirely made of 1's is a Pocky Day. I could only find strawberry around here, so I had to settle...but it was still delicious!)

Summary of today: Woot!

The (un)update

2010-12-31T07:21:00.000-08:00

I haven't forgotten about updating, it's just been a busy month. All that time I spent job hunting really paid off!

1. I got a job at a car dealership that involved commuting an hour there and back. (It sucked)
2. I got a job offer from a newspaper in Wyoming. (Can you say snowboarding!?!)
3. I quit the car dealership after only working there for two weeks, I didn't want to waste their time training me for a job I was never going to do. (I did a happy dance.)

Right about here is when I should have began drawing comic/blogs again. But no, reality got in the way!

4. I bought Christmas presents, wrapped them up and gave them to the peeps. (Giving is awesome, debt is not.)
5. I got a stomach virus. (It made my butt hurt for 4 days.)
6. I acquired space bags and spent much time sucking the air out of my stuff so I can fit it all in my car for the move to Wyoming. (I am an ADULT.)

I promise I will start updating with drawings and stories for you soon and here's why you can trust me on this:

I spent $70 on a drawing tablet and I hate wasting money, so I will use it until I've melted it from drawing so much.

Happy 2011! ...If I never update again, just assume I was mauled by a bear or moose while running in the mountains.

How to prepare for a Marathon

2010-12-08T19:24:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the lack of updates the last few days. I have a valid excuse though, I got a big boy job!

*Applause*

So, you want to know how to run a marathon, huh? You've been running at least 5 miles a day EVERYDAY for the past few months and you think you are ready to take on something that most people can't even imagine doing!?!

Good for you, have a cookie!

Seriously.

You need carbs. Eat a cookie right now!

Everyone else, if you are curious about how to prepare for a marathon I suggest checking with sites made by professional runners or physical therapists, because trying to run this far without conditioning your body and mind for it can be quite damaging. (Also, because I'm an idiot and I built up to this point over years of adding more distance and reading random articles on running.)

The night before running a marathon it is absotively posolutely imperative to your survival that you eat lots of carbs and drink lots of water. Carbs are energy, which you will need a lot of once you start going the next day. Organic cheese pizza is the perfect food for vegetarian marathon runners to eat the night before a long run. Cheese is loaded with protein, and sauce (white or red) is delicious and has some vitamins, and the crust is delicious carbs. If you want to go hardcore-awesome, top that bad boy off with some noodles and you will be in carbohydrate heaven!

I'm not being immature (well maybe I am a little bit), but you are going to piss like a mo-fo. Just sit your candy ass down on the toilet while eating and chugging water because you will be going peeing so much that your piss would count a purified water.

Feels goooooood, man.

Next, you freaking DIE!!!

Close enough anyway, a food coma will hit right around the time your pee-hole starts to go numb from all the pissing. This won't be the best sleep ever, but a food coma is a pretty deep sleep...which makes it fantastic for being well rested for the running!

YAAAAAY SLEEP!!!

Once you emerge from your food coma, you will have to poop really badly. But that's too bad for you because you need to eat some motha-freakin' oatmeal, cousin!

Oatmeal is great for a last meal, it is small and gives long lasting energy without making you feel bloated and slow.

Also, drink more water.

Now that all those carbs are digested and you are well hydrated, it is time to get pissed off!

[sqwee! This is the fun part!]

Think of the worst possible things your mind can come up with. Things that really infuriate you. (Here's a few to get you started since sinister thoughts aren't something normal people think about too often. ...though, you are reading my blog and that makes you suspicious already. O___O)

A loved one being killed and the murderer getting away with it!
Everyone you know and loved is being raped, tortured and slowly/mercilessly killed right now and there is nothing you can do about it! (Except run really far and really fast!)
Heat seeking missiles are flying directly at you and everyone you care about! You have to outrun them to save everybody!
Puppies are being set on fire and kittens are being microwaved!
There's no toilet paper left in the whole restroom and nobody bothered to re-fill it and now you are stuck with a nasty ass and your cellphone is dead!

Get. Pissed. Off.

Anger helps psyche you up and get you focused. Maybe you can prevent all those things from happening if you run fast enough? (Maybe a magical cupcake will appear on my desk while I go get my headphones from downstairs...who knows?)

Angry music might not necessarily be your favorite music, but it keeps the adrenaline pumping. I don't necessarily like angry music, but certain sounds, rhythms and lyrics really freak me out and tap my adrenaline.

I highly recommend the following bands (and these songs in particular) for running any distance:

Incubus - A Certain Shade of Green
Finch - Insomniac Meat
Rage Against The Machine - Killing in the name of (Bonus points of awesomeness if you scream along with the entire song in public with complete sincerity and gusto.)
The Offspring - You're Gonna Go Far, Kid
My Chemical Romance - Destroya (Bonus points of awesomeness if you scream "You don't believe in God! I don't believe in luck! They don't believe in us! But I believe in the enemy!" while sprinting as fast as you can.)
From Autumn to Ashes - The After Dinner Payback
Linkin Park - Given Up
Marilyn Manson - The Fight Song
Mindless Self Indulgence - Bring The Pain (Method Man Cover)
Flyleaf - Perfect
Maximum the Hormone - What's Up, People?
Rammstein - Mein Teil
Seether - F*ck It
Lady Gaga - Bad Romance

I also recommend thinking about zombies. A lot.

Cats Make Me Retarded

2010-12-05T21:26:00.000-08:00

I am the epitome of masculinity...and I think cats are super-cute!

I know I am scrawny, at about 6ft tall and 155 pounds there is no denying this fact. I'm also a vegetarian with an English degree. I'm completely aware that misconceptions are quickly formed when all of these factors are combined.

But that doesn't stop me from occasionally firmly believing that I am the definition of manliness.

Machismo is often frowned upon by western civilization since having male pride is often mistaken for being a "sexist pig." Opportunities for bravado are rare, as I touched upon in the previous entry, there just aren't many chances to bravely do anything since modern living is annoyingly safe and convenient.

Since my physique, educational background, and diet limit my chances to feel manly just as much as post-industrial living does; I tend to savor any reason I might have for feeling manly without having to drink heavily, eat tons of meat and watch sports all day. (Drinking frequently/heavily is stupid, meat seems to slow me down for some reason, and I would rather be doing something than watching other people do things.)

Modern society's views on what hobbies/lifestyles are manly are sickeningly skewed. (But we'll save that for another day.)

If I get to repair anything, or even just do basic maintenance I immediately bust out my boots and flannel shirt. I do this because my typical job-hunting day consists of sitting at my computer, doing some cleaning around the house, then going running/lifting/Hapkido practice. That's it. Basically, 90% of the time I am in my pajamas or sweats...and after 5 weeks of job hunting it has taken a toll on my self-image.

So anyway, when the opportunity comes for me to revel in my XY chromosomes, I go full blown Alpha Male. There's not much that can snap me out of this Alpha Male mindset once it settles in.

Cats are the exception.

Cats are always the freaking exception. To everything. EVERYTHING.

Gravity? Forget that! Cats be flying around the house and then landing on their feet.

Basic Anatomy? Forget that too! Cats have bones when they want to have bones (which is never...until it is vet appointment time anyway)

Staying off the field during a baseball game? NOPE.

Because they defy all logic and essentially give the laws of the universe the middle finger, I consider cats to be my favorite living thing on the planet. (Yes, I like cats more than people. A cat has never dissapointed me because I've never had any expectations of a cat, thus, favorite species by default. Deal with it, mankind, you are second fiddle to cats.)

Some cats are better than others.

[Girlfriend] had a particularly awesome cat named Mr. B (short for Silver Bob, but nobody ever called him that).

Any cat can knock me out of my Alpha Male mode if it is close enough for me to interact with it. Cats are like a drug to me for some reason. It could be a rabid ball of hatred and I will insist on trying to pet it.

I am an idiot like that.

Mr. B was particularly good at switching off the bravado and switching on the insatiable craving for cute and fuzzy. I suspect Mr. B was aware of this because whenever I would go to [Girlfriend's] house, he would show up and use his charms to turn me into a sappy freak with a high pitched voice and inability to contain my adoration.

If the cat is really cool, I will talk to it as if it could understand every word I say. Cats make me retarded (and I know it's not PC to use that word, but I am betting any doctor would diagnose me as mentally impaired should a cat be in the room during the diagnosis).

Mr. B was cool because he basically didn't give a shit. He knew he had nothing to worry about, [Girlfriend], her sister and their parents took excellent care of him. When I first met Mr. B he was so confident that his owners wouldn't let a crazy person in the house that he trusted me immediately.

When I started my typical gushing over how adorable he was, he just took as being justifiably worshiped and loved me for it. It was pretty much a bromance after that.

One would think that when in the presence of [Girlfriend] I would want to take every opportunity to be extra masculine around her to "make up for all the sissy things I do." Chivalry is out of the question since she's the independent type, I can hold the door open for her and she's gradually getting less offended when I pay for dinner...but other than that chivalry is dead (or at least comatose).

Besides, she's way above all that, and I think she might actually enjoy watching my demeanor go from "Chuck Norris" to "Hello Kitty" in 3 seconds.

You might also think it is a terrible idea to let [Girlfriend] know that cats make me retarded...but you are so wrong!

[Girlfriend] also loses all sense of reality when in the company of anything cute.

Example: [Girlfriend] spent a significant portion of an evening in fits of laughter over randomly/nonchalantly offering her dog a "brewski." (And I love it!)

We're both hopelessly insane, and it rocks.

In loving memory of Mr. B

Figuring Myself Out By Running (I Thought I Was Dying)

2010-12-04T17:56:00.000-08:00

[Added 3 hours after publishing this post - I kind of hate this entry. While drawing and writing this, I was slightly hungover and completely exhausted from going to the holiday stroll and getting a little too jolly for my own good last night. Lesson learned, don't drink just to stay warm! (The more you know)]

I love running so much that it very nearly killed me. Ooh joy!

Grab yourself some hot coco, kids, because Uncle Matt is going to tell you the magical tale of how I nearly froze to death while running outside in the winter. (Warning, this story contains gratuitous amounts of hyperbole.)

Figuring Myself Out Is Killing Me

By: Matt

Age: 23

(IQ and Dignity - Nonexistent)

Modern living is dangerously safe, painfully comfortable, and frustratingly simple; so I like to push my limits just to see how far I can go and how much I can handle.

One way I do this is by running obscenely far distances with no cellphone and just enough money to buy Gatorade along the way.

While running an independent marathon (26.6 Miles) the weather changed dramatically when I was about 6 miles away from my house and only 18 miles into the run. I only had my running shoes, regular adidas shorts and regular under armor shirt (not the kind that keeps you warm, but the thin kind that keeps sweat off the skin)...so basically this means I was naked and soaked in sweat from the waist down as the temperature plummeted from 70 to 30.

I could spend my post-college-job-hunting period of unemployment sitting safely at home on the couch waiting for responses from job applications. I could relax with all the comforts, luxuries and safety that mankind has spent thousands of years progressing toward obtaining...but that's boring.

There's no real struggles in every day life unless you want them. We don't have to hunt for our food, we don't have to make anything by hand nor do we have to repair anything ourselves. Every service imaginable is just one phone call away and all of this makes me feel soft.

I ended up seeking refuge in a public restroom at the riverfront for a while. The hand driers were excellent for thawing out my hands and sweat soaked hair and shorts.

When/If society crumbles for any of the number of reasons that The History Channel and Discover Channel say that it could, I don't want to die due to my inability to fend for myself. When something horrible happens I like knowing that I have more options than just curling into a ball and crying for help.

I find out a lot about myself when I'm completely outside my comfort zone and sometimes the things I learn aren't too great.

I'm normally extremely environmentally conscious, I recycle everything that can be, I walk or use my scooter instead of my car whenever possible, and I never leave anything turned on or plugged in unless I am actually using it.

However, when I thought I was freezing to death after running 18 miles, I wanted global warming more than anything in the world. I regretted every recycled can, every trip I took that didn't involve burning gas, and I definitely regretted downsizing my vehicle from a massive pick-up truck to a tiny car. I even regretted losing weight, because when I was fat I was never cold.

I grew up in Iowa and have basically never traveled. The only climate I know is this one. It gets hot as hell in the summer and insanely cold in the winter. I used to be okay with this because when I had an extra 85 pounds to keep me warm, winter wasn't a painful experience and during the summer I could just hide out in the air conditioning.

Because I was never in a situation where I thought I might actually die due to the weather, I had no idea that I was capable of feeling like this.

My adrenaline addiction and constant desire to push my limits has resulted in the following:

1. I pissed blood for two days due to drinking protein shakes with creatine in them because I ran so much that my sweating and the contents of the shake dried out my bladder, thus causing the walls to rub as I ran...then my bladder kept filling up with my own blood. (It's called Runners Hematuria, look it up, it's nasty and painful.)

2. From August till October I had an insane case of Milaria on both my arms from using a cheap iPod armband when running long distance everyday. I didn't give my skin time to recover from the massive heat rash the arm band caused and over time it got worse and worse until my skin was literally starting to rot off my arms.

3. I got lost when running out in the country, I had no glasses, no cellphone, no money or water. I had no idea where I was because I thought I was on route for making a big loop around the residential section of northern Iowa City. Instead, I ended up at Coralville Lake.

View Larger Map

So what has pushing my limits taught me about who I really am as a person?

1. I don't care too much about the environment during the winter
2. I have a terrible sense of direction
3. I am kind of stupid

It's a miracle I haven't died from trying to figure myself out.

On the plus side, all of this has made my ass look fantastic in jeans. (It is good to have priorities.)

The End :)

Coffee Gets Crap Done (Even When I Don't Want It To)

2010-12-02T12:53:00.000-08:00

I like coffee. It tastes good, makes me feel more mature and refined than I really am, and it is basically a legal and non-lethal steroid for getting crap done.

I drink coffee regularly, but I just can't seem to build up any tolerance to the stuff, no matter how hard I try. I abused caffeine as a teenager by chugging soda everyday and that just made me hostile and out of control.

As an adult, the results with coffee are similar.

It takes about half an hour for me to fully wake up with no caffeine or sugar in the morning.

However, I am a very busy guy and I need to get crap done now!

Job hunting takes up quite a bit of time, and I like to do chores around the house each day since my Dad is letting me live at home for free and is paying for my food (sweetest deal EVER).

One mug of coffee later and I am an unstoppable machine, loaded with motivation, determination and enough energy to put the Large Hadron Collider to shame!

At this point I will smash particles with my freaking eyelids just because it keeps me entertained while I take care of basic errands.

If I were to drink coffee in front of the ancient Greeks I would likely be worshiped as a god...and then promptly killed. ...But on the plus side, people would remember my name.

When hopped up on coffee, basic chores have to be enhanced with roundhouse kicks just to keep them interesting enough so that I don't explode from caffeinated energy overload!

The house is spotless, my to-do list is complete and I should be content with all my hard work.

But I'm not.

I should be out doing amazing things and making the world a better place, but I am stuck at home waiting for a job offer from any of the hundreds of applications I've sent out while job hunting.

Job hunting after college is like spending your whole life training for the Olympics. You are the best at what what you do, and every fiber in your being screams "let me show you what I am capable of!" ...but then you get there and find out your event is on hold until the economy picks up.

There's really no one person to blame, it's just that the world has no need for recent college grads right now. The places that are hiring can't afford us, and everywhere else is trying to cut down on workers.

I've often heard that the unemployment rate is about 18% for recent college grads, and that's not counting the under-employed...I think some people estimated that unemployed/under-employed rate for college graduates for 2009 and 2010 is about 80%, but I can't recall for sure.

What I do know is that with no job, I have no directive, and with no directive, I feel lost.

I empathize with the Depression Era generation.

Christmas Songs That Rock

2010-12-01T21:05:00.000-08:00

It is December and it is snowing, so I guess I will finally admit to it being Christmas season.

I don't necessarily hate Christmas, it's just that I think it is grossly over hyped. I have never had a perfect Christmas, nor do I know anyone who has; so building up such high expectations for one day seems like a very easy way to get disappointed.

I also don't like how overly commercialized this religious holiday has been for the last few generations. "The Charlie Brown Christmas Special" spoke out against commercializing the holiday and that was about fifty years ago.

We should have listened to Charlie Brown.

So, the holiday kind of blows...but there are certain aspects of it that totally kick ass no matter how badly the other parts may suck.

I love Christmas music. Songs about forgiveness, being with the ones that you love, peace on Earth, and just generally being decent human beings never fail to rekindle my faith in humanity.

Black Friday usually sends me into a spiral of hatred for mankind that lasts until I hear some really good holiday music. We're supposed to be reminding ourselves to be generous and kind to others, but on Black Friday we trample people to death over saving a few bucks on crap we do not need.

...Let's save that for another day though.

Some Christmas music sucks (elementary school choirs), some of it is over-done (Grandma got run over by a reindeer), and some of it is pretty awesome (Rock band covers of the classics).

[INTERMISSION]

[The Matt has short-circuited and lost his drawing, writing and humor skills]

[Please stand by while Matt sorts his shit out]

[We apologize for the inconvenience]

^__^

[Hawaiin Punch Juice Box solved that problem]

[We now resume this segment of "Radioactive Cheese"]

***Applause***

...Best listen to the boss and get back to work, huh?

So as I was saying before I plummeted into a dark hole of soul crushing despair and dehydration due to lack of delicious juice; Christmas music can be pretty awesome.

Sometimes if you just dig around a bit you will find that some of your favorite performers made covers of classic holiday songs or even made some of their own. I often stumble on excellent holiday songs years after they were recorded, but just because they are a little old doesn't mean they aren't just as inspirational.

...though the things some of them are trying to inspire may not necessarily be good things.

My Chemical Romance - All I Want For Christmas Is You
It may be emo, but I don't give two craps. I love all types of music, even emo.

No Doubt - Oi To The World
I love ska music, underneath my emo appearance is a side-burns and fedora rockin' rude-boy waiting to skank all over your coffee table. Yes.

Mogwai - Christmas Song
Sometimes it's good to chill with some instrumentals.

Home Grown - Feliz Navidad
I love old school pop-punk and I love how the Spanish language sounds...combo delicioso.

Goldfinger - White Christmas
Ska is upbeat, Christmas is upbeat...I think there is a theme going on here!

The Ramones - Merry Christmas (I don't want to fight tonight)
To break up the jolly ska parade I have been building, here's some domestic abuse and classic punk rock!

Thrice - Carol of Bells
This one is quite good, it is a shame it was never "officially" released

Family Force 5 - Grandma Got Ran Over
I know the original has been beaten to death, but this one is pretty dope. (Trust me, dope is the only word to describe these beats)

Run DMC - Christmas in Hollis
This is from the year that I was born! Yay for old school! (It's still awesome)

MC Chris - Evergreen
Despite popular belief, MC Chris is not dead. Listen to his rhymes and he just might visit your house on Christmas Eve (He's one very magical MC).

Blink 182 - Won't Be Home For Christmas
This is how I rolled in high school and it is still how I roll today. Rock.

These are some of my favorites, and it is only the beginning of December, so I still have plenty of time to find and enjoy some crazy awesome holiday music.

After all, if it wasn't for the music, the food, the people, the festivities and the (superficial) attempts to bring joy to the world, I just might hate this holiday.

...Did I ever have any hipster cred anyway?

For my atheist and holiday-hating amigos, here's some cheerful tunes to brighten up your day. I spent all day rocking my face off to this song and screaming along with it until my throat went raw and I was spitting blood. ROCK. (Jolly, huh?)

Parenting License

2010-11-30T13:29:00.000-08:00

There used to be this awesome blog called, whythefuckdoyouhaveakid.com ...but I guess it's no longer active. What made it awesome was that it said one thing that never fails to come to my mind every single time I take even one step outside my door: WHY THE F**K DO YOU HAVE A KID?

I had to get a special license and take a class in order to operate a motorcycle. We require special licenses for doctors, lawyers, realitors, interpreters, teachers, boaters, hunters, gun owners, bar tenders and I think some states even have them for nannies/baby-sitters. ...Yet we don't have one for parenting.

Sure we have laws about negligence and abuse that are fantastic, but what if the parents are total idiots or douchebags that aren't breaking any laws, they just happen to totally suck at parenting.

I can't go to Wal-Mart, McDonald's or any other public place where kids are prevalent without seeing a handful of these fools hanging around. You know the type, die-hard "Juno" fans that want nothing more in life than to have a baby even though it is painfully obvious they can barely care for themselves.

The baby will be like a cute living doll or fashion accessory to Ms. Juno-Fan for a while, until she realizes that raising a kid is really hard work...then she will resent it. Once the kid starts to talk and have an opinion of his/her own the Mom will likely give up and turn the brat over to the streets.

Don't worry though, she will keep leftover mac-n-cheese on the counter to keep the kid fed...but anything involving getting off the couch is just out of the question for this welfare queen.

And this is where kids like Thug-Jr. come into play. You may remember hearing about this one a couple years ago, the 7-year-old that stole his grandma's SUV and went on a destructive joyride.

Kids like this don't just happen over night. They are made over years of indifference and total lack of positive role models. Plop your kid down in front of the TV and let our trashy entertainment raise him/her...and this is the end result.

Don't worry, he only wants to do hood-rat shit...just like his idols on TV or video games. I'm not saying those are to blame, I am just saying that those may have been the only role models he had in life...if gangstas can steal cars and get famous, then why not him? (Ooh look, it totally happened! He was recently on Tosh.0 for this.)

Cases like this really make me wonder why we don't require parenting classes in school, or at least for when parents find out a baby is on the way. Would it be so terrible to make sure parents are qualified enough to at least not severely screw their kid up for life?

Random Redneck actually brings up a pretty good counter-argument. We can't infringe on the rights of others just because we don't agree with them. But, if the parents don't give a shit then why not just step in and be the role model the kid needs?

This would mean relatives and neighbors would have to actually grow a pair and do something good for the world...but that doesn't seem too likely. (I don't have much faith in humanity, sorry.)

So what about turning those lame after-school and summer programs into things that the little brats actually would enjoy...like something involving video games and pretty much anything other than that lame-ass macaroni picture garbage.

If kids, like Thug-JR, like to do hood rat shit, then why not take them fishing? Gutting a fish is about as gangsta as it gets and would totally feed their thirst for violence and it would mean spending hours at a time with someone that is at least motivated enough to go out and do something other than get drunk and watch TV all day.

Legalizing Marijuana

2010-11-28T20:44:00.000-08:00

Before I begin this post, I want to be very clear about this so that there is no confusion whatsoever.

Despite popular belief, I have never smoked marijuana or done any drugs of any kind. EVER.

However, just because I have no desire to try it doesn't mean I think it should be illegal. I love stoner culture. Their snack food is amazing! Cheetos, Mozzarella Sticks, Captain Crunch, Pudding Cups, Cupcakes, and pretty much anything delicious is "stoner food." Stoner music is unique and fun to listen to and I think stoner comedies are hilarious because I sort of have a childish sense of humor. (Fart jokes.)

But, "Radioactive Cheese" is a classy blog for the educated masses...so let's take an economical approach when determining whether or not pot should be legal.

As a recent college graduate, I know first hand just how stiff the competition is for landing a good job. However, if pot was legalized there would be fewer college graduates and fewer people out competing for jobs and trying to better themselves. If getting high, and then sitting on the couch, eating snacks and listening to funky tunes all day is what makes someone happy, it is not my place to condemn them. If someone wants to live this way, nobody should have the right to stop them. (We are supposed to be a free country, right?)

Plus it's just a really good way of weeding out the competition. (Bad pun for the day!)

But don't worry, kids! There are more upsides to legalizing pot!

Stoners are predictable, and if we get enough of them, that will make the stock market predictable too! Whatever is featured in stoner comedies becomes instantly synonymous with real-life stoner culture.

Has going to "White Castle" felt different since "Harold and Kumar go to White Castle" was released? Can you place funions on your grocery list and not make a ridiculous stoner-laugh? Does standing in front of a gas station make you want to steal a monkey and make pop culture references?

Instead of bailing out American motor companies, we should have made "Harold and Kumar buy a Chevy" and watched as every stoner in the world sold their hemp-shoes to go buy Chevy's.

The amount of money we spend arresting, prosecuting and imprisoning people due to marijuana is ridiculous. We could be spending that money and time on so many better things.

Stoners are harmless, stupid, but harmless...particularly compared to alcohol (which is totally legal). We all have heard of Violent Drunks, but I have yet to even hear about a violent stoner. They nap and fart and giggle...that's it.

Just because they don't do much of anything doesn't mean they can't be of some good to society though. Laid back and happy people are great additions to any community, being around them makes other people feel good.

Example!
Stoner - "Heeeeeey man would you like to listen to Bob Marley and help me make Captain Crunch Bars?"
Me - "Heck yes I would! I got some frosting to smother on them too if you want."
Stoner - "Righteous!"
Me - "Tee-hee you just said "righteous."

Sure we might have more traffic violations due to stoned people being behind the wheel, and there are negative sides to having marijuana legal. However, the people that would use it to the point where it inhibits their ability to function in society are likely already abusing some other substance. Personally I would rather hang with a stoner than an alcoholic just because when they "get their fix" the alcoholic gives me a black eye and the stoner gives me a cookie and a guitar solo.

Existential War In Me

2010-11-27T08:50:00.000-08:00

This is an experimental musical blog-comic. Yes, I am taking my three favorite forms of Web 2.0 entertainment and combining them into one mind blowing experience. (Hopefully)

Turn your sound up, and click the link here and let the music video play while you read. The song is "Halo" by Porcupine Tree, one of my favorite bands of all time. The idea for this musical blog-comic came to me while running, thinking about where I want to go in life, and listening to this song.

I hope you enjoy it.

Some people have mood swings, and I kind of envy them because I get lifestyle-swings.

One day I will be an ultra charitable vegan, motivated by an insatiable desire to make the world a better place and to make myself a better person. The only money I will spend is on other people and every action I take is thoroughly analyzed for ethical integrity.

The next day I will want to be mindlessly self-indulgent with an endless appetite for instant gratification. I will only spend money on stuff I don't really need just because I think having it will make me happy...and I won't do any background checks to see if it's fair-trade, environmentally friendly or anything of that nature! (Gasp!)

During the transitional period between these phases I will find myself heinously conflicted about my goals in life, and to some degree who I am as a person.

I know that deep down inside of me that fat and angry teenager still exists, and boy does he want to kick my ass for being such an insufferable perfectionist.

This is about the time that I will drive 40 miles to the nearest shopping mall and buy crap I don't really need. Novelty hats, fart machines, gourmet snack food...pretty much whatever looks awesome, feels good or tastes amazing gets brought home and marveled over it for a few hours.

Things seem pretty awesome at this point. With my belly full of over priced treats and fresh kicks on my feet, I will strut around with more self-content than Oscar Wilde's "Dorian Gray" and Kanye West combined.

It is good to be bad...sometimes.

This phase will last a week at most, and only be borderline obscene for about an afternoon.

Then the guilt sets in and I become aware of how insufferably shallow I've been lately.

I'll start to think about how the cash I spent should have been used to buy food for the animal shelter, or how my energy should be spent on charity and not on working out or running just so I can look good.

I'll get paranoid about karma (and I don't really subscribe to that belief, though I sometimes suspect there is truth to it). I'll scrub the floors to make even for strutting my shit all over the house. I'll pick up trash along the roads while running to put those nice new kicks to good use. ...Then I will stare at the Peace Corp. website and contemplate doing it until I realize that means no internet and lots spiders and/or snakes.

I don't care how good I want to be (or can be), poisonous snakes and gigantic spiders are where I draw the line.

When I'm in full-blown saint mode, I very nearly shit rainbows and radiate sunshine...but after a while this behavior starts to annoy even myself.

Then I start to shift back to being a bit more self-centered.

As I start to transition back to being increasingly focused on myself, I start kicking myself in the face and brooding over how utterly pathetic it is that I can't just stick to one lifestyle.

Does it always have to be one extreme or the other? Can't I buy myself something stupid (yet cool) and do something nice for others for no reason?

Can't I run for charity and write an obscenely detailed blog that focuses mostly on myself?

...Shit. [Cycle of shame]

Anime and Beards

2010-11-26T15:23:00.000-08:00

Real men grow beards and watch anime. Suck it, traditional gender roles.

I often grow a full beard when it gets cold out, mostly to keep warm, but also because it is an awesome way to look much older/mature...and during No-Shave-November, it is a great way to spread Prostate Cancer awareness and assert your masculinity. (Or something like that.)

Anyway, my room-mate last year, Andrew, was a Japanese major and facial hair enthusiast, and he turned my secret guilty pleasure of watching anime into a full blown addiction when he introduced me to "Keroro Gunso." This is a Japanese anime about some frogs from space that want to take over the planet, but they really aren't that good at it. This show is sort of like taking Loony Tunes and Invader Zim and throwing them into a demented blender.

Getting me started on "Keroro Gunso" was a sure-fire way to get me to embrace and celebrate my inner anime-nerd...but only behind closed doors! Very similar to how alcoholics start out by drinking beers with their friends, I went from casually/socially watching anime to completely obsessing over it.

You heard me right, FROGS FROM SPACE, and yes, my beard does grow in red (aren't you the observant one, Holmes).

...I think it is some kind of genetic mutation that occurs when Irish and Cherokee mix together with bits and pieces of other western European DNA. Hooray for genetics!

Watching anime isn't anything to be ashamed of really, but it does come with some negative connotations...mostly due to there being so many fantatics with fake cat ears on their heads. [Why do they do this? It just makes regular anime fans seem equally insane simply for holding a common interest.]

Back to my main point, dudes watching anime.

Andrew and I had a pretty set schedule. After school I would go running and he would play playstation, and then we would watch anime until it was time for bed. This would have been an ideal set up were it not for our suit-mate, Dan, mocking our child-like enthusiasm for cartoons in general.

Dan wasn't around too much, which gave Andrew and I license to nerd it up as much as we wanted. We were like fat pigs at an all you can eat buffet thanks to the University of Iowa providing an insanely fast internet connection which allowed anime to stream perfectly no matter how shady the site was.

Of course we watched more than one series, and depending on what we were watching we might get a guest or two to join in on our secretly geeky yet totally awesome anime marathons.

Our habit was growing. It was only a matter of time before word got out that we were watching obscene amounts of anime...and not even the manly stuff like "Gundam" or "Trigun." We were totally digging the bubbly ultra-cute semi-cat-themed teen drama, "Azumanga Daioh," and could actively quote the show and find moments in life that reminded us of scenes from it.

Quite un-manly and nerdy indeed! But, we really never gave a crap what other people thought about the things we like. (We just didn't want to be pestered during what little time we did have to watch it.)

Our neighbor from New Jersey, Julia, would often join us in watching these shows. It's fine for girls such as Julia to enjoy "Azumanga Daioh" because she is actually in the target audience. But why the hell would two 22-year-old guys from Iowa love shows that feature kids dressed as penguins? (Because they really are "super cute" and they usually have perverted jokes in them...Japan is messed up like that.)

Is it possible for straight young men in the midwest to enjoy "super cute" anime? Dan would say no and most people would agree. We should be watching UFC in the bars, challenging rivals to the fisticuffs while at football games and maybe even building log cabins by hand for the homeless (because that's what all guys should be doing all the time, every day, forever.)

I love martial arts, Andrew loves football and yet both of us turn into bubbly giggling children whenever some high pitched anime kid flashes a peace sign. (One of the many recurring themes that makes no sense at all, but for some reason I just eat it all up.)

If women can wear men's clothes and play football, then I think it should be perfectly acceptable for guys to watch all the bubbly anime they want because some of it is actually really funny and well written. This is akin to having Brett Favre watching "Hannah Montana" religiously. (That is, if "Hannah Montana" was well written and actually funny.)

Being unashamed of liking something, even if it is totally ridiculous, is as manly as it gets. (Of course, growing a beard helps because beards make all situations better.)

Vegetarian Thanksgiving

2010-11-23T13:40:00.000-08:00

I've been a vegetarian for a few years now, and normally this doesn't interfere with my life...except for when I am desperately trying to build muscle at the gym. ...okay, so I lied. Not eating meat has a big impact on my personal life, but the impact is usually limited to feeble attempts at body building.

Aside from making me look like a living skeleton, not eating meat makes social gatherings that involve food a little awkward. ...and almost all social gatherings involve food.

I freaking dare you to think of a social gathering that doesn't involve food. ....Go ahead, take your time.

That's right, you can't! Food is always involved when people get together. Having someone eat something that you brought/preapared is a great way to show that you care about them.

But what do you do when that person refuses your offering of delicious food? You stare awkwardly and wonder what the hell is wrong with them. There's nothing wrong with me, I just don't want to eat meat.

Most of my family and friends are quite supportive of my eating habits since they really seemed to help with my weight loss and active lifestyle. However, my "little" brother knows that if I ate meat I would be ripped out of my freaking mind...thus making me less of an embarrassment to his god-like biceps.

Unfortunately, not everyone in my family understands the benefits of a vegetarian diet. My grandma is nearly 100 years old and finds it to be confusing at best, and deathly at the worst. Yes, my grandma is nearly a century old...but that doesn't stop her from making sure all her grandkids are happy, healthy, and have a mountain of hearty food available. I would rather gnaw off my left arm than disappoint her (I'm notoriously left-handed), so this makes meal time with Grandma a little difficult.

Do I cave in to her request and break my vegetarianism to make her happy or do I run away screaming? Neither! I just eat obscene amounts of everything else!

Usually I can get away with eating a veggie burger or tofu-dog and this makes her extremely happy since if it looks like meat then it must be just as good for me. Unfortunately, tofurkey is expensive and nasty, so faking it just isn't an option for Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner.

If you haven't tried tofurkey, it is like taking sawdust, tofu and breading, compressing it into a blob and then smothering it in spices. Disgusting.

The only thing I hate worse than upsetting Grandma is upsetting my niece. She is by far the sweetest and most adorable kid on the planet...and SHE KNOWS IT. Brittni can get me to do anything, and I am not exaggerating. I ran 16 miles during a heat wave only to bump into her at the finish and then take her to get shaved ice immediately after instead of passing out on the floor with a gallon of water as usual.

It's not that she condemns my diet and thinks it is stupid like my brother does. She just thinks it's weird for me to refuse to eat anything that is delicious.

Fortunately, there is one sure way to make any awkward situation enjoyable...booze! As I have said before, I don't drink much or often; so when I do have something flammable in my glass the reaction is fantastic. ...and family gatherings are always a good reason to drink.

My brother-in-law, Kevin, is easily the coolest relative I have since he knows how to solve problems, particularly the ones involving me awkwardly bumbling around the house trying to avoid questions about what is (or isn't) on my plate.

If I were half as cool as Kevin, everyone would think it's awesome to be a vegetarian...when it really kind of sucks.

Girlfriend Has A Secret

2010-11-21T08:05:00.000-08:00

I dated this totally awesome girl when I was 16, and like most high school relationships it only lasted a couple of months, but we stayed friends after it was over. We eventually went our separate ways after graduation, but each summer we would hang out a lot. This previous summer was our last summer at home before finishing college, thus making it our last summer that was guaranteed to be together...we decided not to go our separate ways this time.

She knows me better than I know myself, and I like to think I know her just as well...but there's one very big thing that I do not know about her that has me convulsing with curiosity. For as long as I have known her she has been working on a novel that is literally on the verge of getting published, but I know almost nothing about it!

You would think I would be the first person she would go to for feedback since I majored in English and have read an embarrassingly vast quantity of books...but, she is smart enough to know that my opinion would be extremely biased and skewed. I understand that any respectable author knows not to get feedback from the person they also snuggle with when watching movies. (But that doesn't stop me from begging her to read sections out loud...I love listening to her read her work.)

I haven't been this curious about anything in my entire life, not even when I was a child and there was a massive gift for me under the Christmas tree. Much like that elusive gift, I try to be sneaky and find out what it is...but she is the smartest person I know, and despite my best efforts, I can't figure out what she's been writing about for all these years.

I would try reading over her shoulder as she writes, but she is more protective of this story than a mother bear is of it's cubs...and should I come between mama-bear-girlfriend and her mysterious novel, she will rip my face off!

The threat of losing limbs doesn't stop me. I MUST KNOW WHAT SHE IS WRITING ABOUT!

She has told me the gist of what the story is about and has even read selected passages to me (surely, this is an evil ploy to make me even more curious). Every time she does this I always find myself stunned and overwhelmed with pure awesomeness. I admit that my opinion on anything she does is horribly biased because she is my favorite person, but I do believe I am dating the next Tolkien/Bradburry/Lovecraft. The way she writes with such eloquent detail, and how her plot is meticulously constructed with multiple layers of meaning gives me the impression that her book will be a deliciously layered literary cake that will send her future readers into fits of amazement.

...like I said, I am a little biased.

Anyway, she wants the final product to be a surprise, and like any good artist she doesn't want the world to see it until it is complete. Because I know bits and pieces about the book she often interrogates me to make sure I am still basically in the dark about it.

I often think that if I were to know too much, she would lock me in her basement until the official release on the off chance I would tell anyone about it.

I'm actually quite nervous about even mentioning that she is writing a book at all. If I somehow was responsible for making her debut as an author anything less than totally awesome I would have to commit seppuku.

What I know about her book is akin to watching multiple movie previews to Star Wars but never actually watching the movie. My interpretations are so off base that when I tell her what I think it is about she explodes with laughter at how horribly clueless I am about her book. This could be because she is relieved that I still know nothing about it, or it could be because my pitiful attempts at analyzing a book I have never read are hilarious.

In addition to writing this book she has also done multiple drawings of her characters, and sometimes needs a model to pose for her so she can make sure she has the right angles...or something.

I may not know much about her book, but I do know that being asked to pose shirtless with a sword has fed my ego considerably. ...even though I never did get to see the drawing.

If I never make another post on here again, that probably means I revealed too much about her, her book, or our relationship. I can't wait to finally read her book, it's the final piece of the puzzle that I need for solving the enigma that is my girlfriend.

Different Types of Drunk

2010-11-18T14:20:00.000-08:00

Despite being an English major from a University with a notorious bar culture, I am not much of a drinker...despite my very best efforts to achieve the noble status of "Drunk Writer." As an undergrad, I wanted nothing more than to grow a beard, reek of booze and sulk in the corner of a pub with my laptop and regrets.

HOW AWESOME WOULD THAT BE!?! [Pretty awesome]

Anyway, on my quest to becoming a booze hound I found that different drinks influence my behavior so differently that I've diagnosed myself as a schizophrenic drunk. Basically, each type of drink creates a different kind of drunk.

Like I said, I don't drink much since I, unfortunately, do not enjoy being hungover, spending lots of money, or going to places full of intoxicated (and thus erratic) strangers. I also seem to possess the digestive system of a twelve-year-old child that has spent his entire life on a purely vegan diet.

...When I do drink, it goes a little something like this if I have sweet or caffeinated mixed drinks such as Coke & Rum.

I call this type of drunk "The Tornado" because I become a being of PURE DRUNKEN ENERGY capable of fueling every major metropolitan city on the planet with my spastic behavior and supernova ADHD.

I drank Jagerbombs once, and I will never do it again. The results were terrifying. I am surprised the building I was in did not collapse. I think I played DDR for something like 8 hours with my Japanese, Korean and Chinese dorm-mates until I passed out on the futon and puked all up in my crazy garbage can. (And I really liked that garbage can too!)

Sugar and alcohol aren't always a bad thing though. I went as JD from Scrubs for Halloween, and was promptly introduced for the Appletini. Ooh sweet baby jesus in a jungle gym, that magical concoction is like drinking jolly rangers! It was so delicious that I didn't care that it made me look like a total wuss.

It turns out that drinks such as the Appletini turn me into The Musical Ladies Man. I will sing anything and everything. ...and since I only ever have these at bars, that means Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" will be played at least 20 times. I will sing along every single time (for the ladies).

Despite popular belief, drinking doesn't make anyone a classy ladies man. Ever. This is particularly true when I drink Scotch (my favorite). Straight liquor of any variety will turn me into a hyper-aware mess that I like to call The Paranoid Agent.

Blue and red lights, people moving toward the exit, gestures that look anything like reaching for a weapon and I am like a Vietnam-vet having a horribly vivid flashback. It is time to kick ass, save lives and LEAVE NO MAN BEHIND! If I am drunk on liquor, I will sneak around corners like I am James Bond. If I have been drinking scotch I will cover my tracks like reality has become "Call of Duty"....and I don't even play that game!

"Why not just drink beer? It's manly and definitely not the kind of drink to make you an idiot."

Ahh, if only it were that simple. But, beer is liquid bread...and that just makes me full, sleepy and strangely philosophical.

I love Guinness, but I will politely tolerate American beer when socializing...but all beer of all types creates the same type of drunk with me. I get full, I get deep, and then I fall asleep. Such is the fabulous life of a narcoleptic philosopher.

And the best part of all of this is that it only takes a few drinks to make me goofy as shit.

I Used To Be Fat

2010-11-16T11:48:00.000-08:00

I didn't exactly have a happy childhood. Tons of divorces, drug addict relatives and I got bullied quite often at school...so I became an emotional eater and I played video games obsessively to escape reality.

The world sucked, but I was a god on Xbox and cake was always delicious!

I worked part-time at Arby's and had basically unlimited access to junk food and soda. At the time, dn-L (Upside-down 7-Up) was my drink of choice. It was sort of like Mountain Dew, but fruitier and loaded with sugar. IT WAS DELICIOUS. So I drank about six bottles of it a day, and was filled with caffeinated rage. (The worst kind.)

Eventually my teen angst turned into the realization that the world didn't suck because I saw other people enjoying life. It was at this time that I realized that I was the problem, not the rest of the world.

I started out by playing Dance Dance Revolution (DDR) obsessively. As a video game, it was automatically interesting enough to me that I could do it all the time and not get sick of it.

I BECAME THE KING OF DDR...and discovered that I had the ability to keep moving at faster and faster rates. Eventually, I summed up the confidence to go running despite having massive manboobs bouncing all over.

I mostly ran at night so nobody could see my massive man-tits flopping around, but also because I didn't want anyone seeing me run. I was fueled entirely by rage and would often be blinded by tears of pure hated at everyone and everything that ever pissed me off and made me feel like life wasn't worth living.

I decided to literally run my problems away. I would run until I couldn't feel anything, my body or my emotions. I ran until I was mentally and physically numb...then nothing else mattered.

I found nirvana, and it was in my running shoes and headphones.

It was this release from my prison of anger that made running so enjoyable that I became addicted. The pounds started to fall off and I was actually feeling good about how I looked and how far I had come.

But, I knew I could do more.

[Dropping this much weight meant that I had to buy new clothes all the time, which totally sucked because I hate shopping...so if you plan on dropping 85 pounds like I did, make sure your bank account can fund a new wardrobe every few months.]

After years of running and several new pairs of pants, I was still socially inept and insecure. That's about the time I got an e-mail from the University of Iowa advertising Hapkido...a Korean Martial Art of self defense that uses the opponents strength against them through join locking and precise positioning. Perfect for a scrawny runner like myself, and ideal for building the confidence I craved.

Sure, I learned how to break boards and defend myself...but that's not all I got out of it.

When you spend 5+ hours a week throwing someone around, all social barriers break down. I finally had something to do with other people on a regular basis and over time partying became a part of the experience as well.

I found happiness.

Cultural Encounters

2010-11-15T14:39:00.000-08:00

When I was in college I lived on the International Floor of the dorms, also known as The International Crossroads Community. This was a fantastic way for me to get the cultural exposure I craved, but couldn't afford since world traveling is expensive and I am poor as crap.

Anyway, I met people from all over the world during my years living there, and during this time I learned a few things about bridging the cultural divide.

First, just because you love a particular show from Japan doesn't mean that all Japanese people love that show too. In fact, openly loving a certain show might give them the wrong idea about you.

You are not Japanese. You do not know the stigmas that come with being a fan of Gunso.

Another important thing to consider when meeting someone from a different country is why they came here in the first place. A lot of international college students came here to experience American culture, not to experience Americanized mutant versions of their home.

Think about it this way; when you go to Japan do you want to eat at Texas Roadhouse or an authentic Ramen shop?

(Of course, a bit of culture sharing is a given...and sushi is just fantastic.)

But what about something closer to home, like our overly-polite neighbors to the north?

Once again, just because the person is from the same place as some things you like, doesn't mean they share your passion for it.

I am from Iowa, but I don't eat meat. That's right, kids, this Iowaboy doesn't eat pork chops. The University of Iowa is also my alma mater but I don't give two craps about football or the Hawkeyes. (Unless the tailgating involves pie, in which case, GOOOO Hawks!)

But do I run around with a bullhorn shouting these things in public? Of course not! That would just be rude (and an invitation to get my ass kicked). The same is true when meeting a foreigner, even a Canadian.

Even Canadians get offended by stereotyping.

You also need to consider the history of a country when interacting with people from there. Germany is an excellent example of this, WWII has left many of them quite ashamed of their history so they tend to keep a future oriented mindset. *snaps for Germans*

However, their past makes anything from their automatically creepy...therefore, German death metal is the epitome of hardcore. I know it's passe, but I loves me some Rammstein. But do Germans?

It's always important to get to know the person before bringing up something controversial and potentially offensive. WWII, Rammstein, saurkraut...you know, the nasty things their homeland is known for.

Would you bring up nuclear waste when meeting a person from New Jersey? (God forbid they be from the shore). [I kid, I kid...]

Okay, so dealing with Germans can be tricky. But what about the notoriously optimistic Australians?

We all know not to bring up Foster's or Steve Irwin...so how can an encounter with an Aussie go wrong?

Vegemite, that mysterious condiment that many American's have heard is the Australian equivalent to peanut butter. We often believe they smother it on everything and that it is the source of their powers to be so incredibly awesome!

But is it true, or is it just ramifications of 1950's Australian commercials leaked over to the states?

Accusationsof fraud are serious business. Don't do it! (unless you are at least 95% certain they are a fraud) ...unless you are prepared to go to war, and nobody wants to fight the Australians. They live with freaking spiders the size of chickens and dingoes are a constant threat to their infants, do you really want to mess with that? Heck no!

So messing with Australians is definitely out of the question; you have to be polite or they will sic their army of kangaroos and koalas on you.

Another culture that it's important to mind your manners with is Mexicans. Fortunately I speak Spanish (not perfectly though), so I usually am capable of being quite useful when they need help getting used to their new home. However, most are more than capable of acclimating on their own and many younger Mexicans speak English just fine.

Just because a person isn't from America, don't assume they don't speak English. If they came here, they likely studied the language beforehand. Besides, our entertainment and culture is nearly smothering the rest of the world...so it's a little offensive to plunge right into speaking to them in their native language when their English is perfect.

Save the Spanish for after you've become friends, it can be a great way to talk crap about others when it's just the two of you that know the language. Until then, respect their intellect and speak the language that they worked hard to learn.

After all, English is a tricky language and practice with a native speaker may be why they are here in the first place.

Stereotyping is annoying, disrespectful and an easy way to get your ass kicked.

However, if you know the culture really well, you might just find that some stereotypes are true and function as a great way to socialize.

The Irish stereotype about loving drinking and music is true because it is universally true. Everyone loves to chill out with a drink and some tunes. Suggesting this to anyone, even an Irish person, will often lead to immediate awesomeness.

However, not everyone drinks. Muslims and Mormons are the two examples that come to mind when I think of cultures that that don't socially drink.

Fortunately, there is one sure-fire way to bridge any cultural gap...TOP HATS.

It doesn't matter what country you are from or what religion you follow, EVERYONE LOVES TOP HATS.

A Typical Conversation With My Little Brother

2010-11-13T07:53:00.000-08:00

Part way through making this post I started using a drawing tablet for the first time...so this is more of a learning process than anything. [Deal with it]

Since I finished college I am currently living at home with my Dad and little brother until I get some kind of career started. (And with this economy, that could be a long time.) Anyway, my little brother is far from little, in fact he is roughly double my size and I think holds a few weight lifting records at his old high school.

Fun stats:
Me - 155 pounds, roughly 6ft tall, marathon runner, martial arts enthusiast and vegetarian
My Brother - ABLE TO LIFT A CAR WITH HIS PINKIE FINGER

My brother may not openly admit to it, but he is actually quite stoked to have me living at home again. I suspect this is because I tormented him when I was still bigger than him, and now the roles have switched and it is time for his revenge.

When I am in my office, which is more often than not, I am furiously applying for jobs since being an unemployed college graduate is horribly embarrassing. ...or I am reading webcomics, watching stupid youtube videos, catching up on Facebook or researching whatever it is that has sparked my curiosity at the time. (95% of the time it is KITTENS)

I'm awesome like that, don't judge me! MY LIFE IS FULL OF EXPLOSIONS AND DANGER!

It doesn't really matter what I am doing, because I tune everything out and focus on what's got my attention.

There could be carpet bombing, an ambush of sentient gummy bears out for revenge, and 5 ice cream trucks out my window and I wouldn't notice.

Ian knows this is his time to scare the living shit out of me just by shouting my name as if there is a huge emergency.

At about this point I jump out of my seat and go into panic mode. I fall for this every time because next time could very easily be a legitimate reason to freak out and destroy everything! (Years of violent movies, games, and books have made me a bit paranoid that I'm always moments away from EXTREME VIOLENCE AND OTHER ADULT CONTENT)

After about 30 seconds of thinking the world is coming to an end and the house is being invaded by Vikings and Zombies, I realize Ian was just messing with my head. I sometimes yell at him for giving me a panic attack-aneurysm combo meal, but that's increasingly rare after a few months of living back at home. It's sort of like living near a mine field, an explosion happens and nobody really cares because it's so common.

He's sort of a Buddha type, makes himself comfortable and takes his time getting to the point...assuming he has one other than to push my buttons out of boredom.

If I was smart (which I'm not), I wouldn't fall into this trap every single time. We're a lot like Wiley Coyote and The Road Runner or Tom and Jerry in that the same thing happens just about every time.

1. I tell him to buzz off and that I am busy.
2. He refuses.
3. I react.
4. He goes non sequitur until my head explodes
5. He sells my bloody remains to the local dog food / pinata factory
6. Children and poochies feast upon my tortured remains

....Hyperbole is trendy.

While he spews out an array of questions and observations that have minimal cohesion, I tend to fantasize about literally shoving a massive quark in his mouth. (What good would that really do though? Couldn't he just spit it out? ...The idea entertains me anyway.)

If I respond to even one of these questions, the rest of my day gets altered based on my response.

Example:
Ian - "Heeeey do you remember Gitaroo Man?"
Me- "Yeah, I still have the game. It's on the third shelf with the other PS2 games."
Ian - "Sweet. Let's play it until our thumbs fall off!"
Me - "No, I am busy."
Ian - "Yes, you are busy playing Gitaroo Man." [inserts the disc, drags my chair (with me in it) over to the tv and happily beams about how excellent an idea it is]

...escape is impossible at that point, so I avoid it at all costs.

Instead, I tend to go with the sour grapes route. Who would want to spend time with a grumpy jerk?

Apparently Ian would.

My pitiful attempt to put an end to this before it gets out of hand and I lose my cool (and ability to concentrate for an extended period of time afterward) rarely works.

Fun fact: When I get angry or flustered, my voice gets really high pitched and I talk/yell quickly...often all in one breath. It's as hilarious as it is disturbing to see me angry...very similar to Elliot from Scrubs.

Despite being insanely strong and 19 years old, the influence Spongebob has had on him becomes evident at this point.

If I am not blind with rage or annoyed into a coma, I might start laughing at his antics.

Sometimes humoring him and just going along for the ride is a good option. I will space out of course and think about other things while he does his "pay attention to me" bit.

He catches on quickly that I am not paying attention, and therefore he's having a hard time getting me flustered. Insults ensue.

I try not to be a stereotype, but I am mostly Irish (so far as I know), so my temper flares up because I am horribly proud.

We both know he is bigger, but since he has never ran with me or watched me at Hapkido he doesn't know what I am capable of.

So I remind him. (My voice becomes increasingly higher, louder and faster)

I AM WAY FASTER THAN YOU AND I CAN SHATTER YOUR BONES. (Screeches the skeleton)

Now he has me going and we both know it. He loves it, so he goes right back to doing what he does best. PESTERING ME TO THE BRINK OF INSANITY. Why not? After all, I was pretty horrible to him when we were kids and in a way he does kind of deserve this chance to piss me off on a daily basis.

He really does actually care and only wants to see me enjoy life. Sitting in my office, applying for jobs and getting lost on the internet isn't exactly what anyone would call a delightful lifestyle. He's had his fun at this point and typically suggests something enjoyable (usually involving food, and frequently a backhanded attempt to get me to eat meat as well).

I'm still grouchy. Time to pester me some more. Maybe he can get me to yell again?

Ian is one of the few people in the world that knows just how ridiculous it is to see me get angry. When there is nothing good on TV and he is tired of video games, the next best source of entertainment is to watch me explode and rant like a pissed off chipmunk on caffeine.

I eventually realize he got me to the point of being embarrassingly angry. I get really bummed out that I haven't outgrown this reaction, so I shut down and send him on his way. ....Kind of.

[Inking with the tablet is easy, but writing with it is impossible! It's like trying to write on the credit card swiping thing at the store, only worse because you can't look at your hand and the screen at the same time. NEVER WRITING ON IT AGAIN. From now on, I will use sharpies for the text.]

The cycle repeats until I get flustered again and explode into fits of high-pitched rage or it's time to eat.

We are mature adults.

Student Teaching

2010-10-29T15:57:00.001-07:00

When I was in college I was so paranoid about getting anything less than an A that I would study obsessively to the point where I would often know the material better than even my professors. There were two downsides to this, the first was burning out on the material and bombing tests (and by bombing, I mean C's because I have a Hermione Granger Complex). The second of which was the degeneration of my people skills due to lack of human interaction. I mean literally no human contact outside of the classroom and the grocery store.
After years of studying, my English BA was done and the full year of teacher-training classes too. Of course, my Hermione Granger Complex kicked in and I decided I needed to be THE BEST STUDENT TEACHER EVER. I quit my summer job half way through summer break and spent every waking moment preparing to begin the semester. I was so prepared for Student Teaching that is was ridiculous. But in my cloud of confidence I didn't realize my years of library-hermit living and long-distance running had some ramifications...namely, I was a soft spoken wimp.

At this point I should mention that I had lead a sheltered life when I was in high school. I was in all advanced courses, so I was rarely around anyone other than kids just as nerdy as myself. ...and even then I ignored all of them and played gameboy/DS (depending on the year) and listened to old school Green Day because I WAS THAT PUNK ROCK. Hoo-yeah, you know AP classes are where all the punks are kickin' it!

Anyway, I had no idea what typical high school students were like because I wasn't really all that exposed to them...and when I was it was with the help of my classmates as human shields from the scarier ones. (Like I said, I am a fearless thug-gangsta educator with a no-nonsense attitude that makes teens blood run cold! ROAR!)

Now I am not saying these kids were scary by any means...I was just severely lacking the experiences necessary to know how to help them and get them excited about learning. Because this forced me to face my greatest fear, potential failure, it seemed a little more like this...

So what does one with a severe Hermione Granger Complex do when placed in this type of situation? I LIED TO MYSELF LIKE A MOTHER F*CKING CHAMP! I worked 24/7 on preparing, grading and trying to be the best student teacher I could be so that when in the classroom I could focus on overcoming my weak points...people skills. Within weeks I was left a driveling puddle of goo with pathetically low self-confidence. Being walked all over by kids has that effect on you over time...and it didn't help that some of my students looked older than me either. Effin' genetics man! They SUCK! I would have done just about anything to look age appropriate for my new career.
At this point I was desperate for a solution, so I figured I would play the cards I was dealt. If I was being mistaken for one of my freshmen students, then I would play the youth deck like nobody had ever seen before. I quoted Little Wayne, busted out Flava-Flav impersonations and mocked Justin Beiber between classes. I figured if I could make the class material seem relevant to pop culture the kids would actually want to do the work...then it wouldn't matter that I couldn't keep them on task and under control.

But the kids would have none of it! And who could blame them? They knew they could get away with anything in my classroom, so why stop now? I suspect this was karma biting me in the ass for all the years of playing video games and listening to music during class when I was a teenager. FANTASTIC SUPER HAPPY FUN TIMES.I knew it was bad practice to yell over the students. I knew it was bad to lose your cool in front of them. But...my...grade...was...on...the...line. How could I just let all those years of studying to get a sweet GPA get thrown out the window because a bunch of kids didn't want to do their work? My grade counted on their willingness to cooperate, so I freaked out! I would talk over them because I was panicked. I would yell. I would dock grades. Kids were failing all over the crazy place. This was horrible! I was constantly angry and quickly losing my drive.

But would I give up? Would I admit defeat? Heck no! I was too stubborn to let anything "defeat me."
What had several weeks of walking all over Mr. Naber taught the kids? That they could do whatever they wanted of course! They didn't care about their grades, it was more important that they had the coolest pair of Osiris shoes or that nobody was talking crap about them (aaw, isn't it precious?). Nobody would bring their books, and when they did it was a battle and a half just to get the students to open them and actually read.

Maybe there was a spike in paper allergies for everyone born after 1993?

I was pissed! Hooooo just look at that icy stare! This look could freeze lava! This look could freeze Hot Pockets! Medusa ain't got shizz on me and my icy stare.

Ooh snap, it's working! Can't lose them now!

Let's time this! We have 90 minute long class periods....Maybe this time it will work and last the whole period too! Hold it together, man! Show them you mean business!

It's time to face my demons! Stare those kids down until they do what they are supposed to do! My life felt as if it was on the line. College was expensive and I wasn't going to have it all be for nothing! ROOOOAAAAR!!! Feel the fury of my angry stare!!!
This is important! You will learn it! AND LIKE IT!!!

This will only take a few minutes out of the class...

Repeated this process every 15 minutes for half a semester.

Ran a marathon, drank some scotch.

Then quit.

Old School Stuff

2010-10-25T19:54:00.001-07:00

This is how things used to look...it took forever. New content on the way (hopefully)