The Planets Best Political Humor at RadioactiveLiberty.com

Top 10 New Republican Slogans

Les James — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 13:00:45 +0000

With the recent gubernatorial wins in Virgina and New Jersey, and the near congressional win in up state New York, the Republican Party seems to be waking up.

2010 and 2012 are going to be very interesting election years. But it’s going to take a new approach to get a lot of us conservatives back into the fold. I suggest honesty. Below are ten new slogans for the Republicans, I’d like to see.

Sorry about the last few years. Our bad

The Republican Party -We’ve pulled our heads out.

Because Dems is a four letter word

The GOP doesn’t suck as bad as it use to

We only look like a third party

Promise, no McCain in 2012

We’re not organized enough to take over your health care

The Democrats just keep making us look better and better

Republicans -Too lazy to write a 1000 page bill, let alone a 2000 page one

Conservative? You Betcha!

Got any of your own?

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Political Humor Under Fiar

Fiar — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 00:51:43 +0000

In an attempt to be a little more up to date on current events, I bring you my own version of political humor quick hits.

Fort Hood Texas Shooting

First off, there’s big news of a shooting near Fort Hood, Texas. Current reports list casualties at 12 dead and 31 injured. One mass murderer is identified as Malik Nadal Hasan, who is of an unknown and entirely ambiguous religious persuasion.

That wasn’t funny, but hey, I told you the news always sucks the life out of you.

Swine Flu

In the category of hysteria over 48 hour sniffles, a health worker has been fired in Calgary, Alberta for offering the H1N1 Swine Flu vaccine to players of the Calgary Flames. Just so you know, that’s in Canada. You know, the country we keep being told to model our own health care system after.

On the homefront, Gitmo detainees get first crack at being vaccinated against a mild fever and sore throat for a day or two. I’d like to be upset, but let’s face it. We’re not talking about polio or some other horrible disease. It’s THE FLU! You’ll get over it.

Musical Ringtones

In Nairobi, Al Shabaab rebels of no apparent religious conviction want to impose Sharia law including banning musical ringtones on cell phones, movies and dancing. On the upside, they also want to ban soccer. Hey, every cloud has it’s silver lining right?

They should just run a big PR campaign telling everyone that soccer will give you a runny nose, but don’t call it that. Call it the H1N1 virus and everyone will avoid soccer like the plague.

I also agree that musical ringtones are from the Devil. That’s why I have mine set to play Iron Maiden.

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Election Day November 2009

Fiar — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 17:48:05 +0000

Most people forget that there is an election every year. They only remember to vote when there is a Messianic Savior running for President.

However, There are elections that can more directly influence your day to day activities that occur on off years like this one. For example, one of the local offices up for grabs this year is an election for coroner.

Now, if someone you know happened upon an unfortunate accident, you want the coroner who will correctly identify the cause of death as accidental. Then again, perhaps you want the COD identified as homicide, you know, if you really didn’t have anything to do with it. Then you would want the horrible cretin to be brought to justice.

In either case, it’s important to vote for the right coroner.

Now get out there and vote… At least twice, just to make sure.

Image Credit: The Ghost of Elections Past

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Obama Designs New U.S. Flag

Les James — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 13:00:05 +0000

President Barack Hussein Obama (mmm, mmm, mmm) calls in a hack computer guy with marginal Photoshop skills to help him design the New American Flag. They sit in the Oval Office.

Obama: “How do you use that thing? I don’t see a teleprompter?”

Hack: “It’s a laptop, Mr. President. The screen’s sort of like a teleprompter.”

Obama: “I see. Hum. I like it. Now, I was thinking we should start with the current flag and see how I can improve it. ”

Hack: “No problem sir…”

Obama : “That’s Mr. President.”

Hack: Oh, sorry Mr. President. Okay, here’s the U.S. flag we have today.”

Obama: “You see the basic problem, don’t you. It has red strips that represents Red States. Also there’s more red strips than white. Sends the wrong message.”

Hack: “Not an issue, Mr. President. I’ll just get rid of the red ones. There, what do you think?”

Obama: “Better, but still not right. Now there’s too much white.

Hack: “I see your point. Okay, how about this?”

Obama: “I don’t know. How many stars are on the thing?”

Hack: “Well, ah… there are 50, Mr. President.”

Obama: “See, I knew something was wrong. During the campaign I got to all but one state. Now I’ve been to all 58 states. So add eight more stars.”

Hack: “Ah… yes Mr. President.”

Obama: “That’s a total mess. Let me think. I know, I’m a star. Matter of fact, I’m The Star, so how about one big one instead?”

Hack: “Like this?”

Obama: “Crap, now it reminds me of the Texas flag. That’ll never do. Get rid of the star.”

Obama: “Getting there. Except that blue looks too confrontational. Give me something a little more soothing. Something that says, “Hey, we’ve screwed-up. We’re sorry for all our transgressions, real or perceived.”

Hack: “What do you think of this, Mr. President?”

Obama: “Great color. But it’s still missing something.”

Hack: “Mr President, if I may be so bold…”

Obama: “Yeah, go ahead, but I’ll take credit for it if it’s a good idea.”

Hack: “Of course, Mr. President. I’d be honored for you to take credit for my idea.”

Obama: “Whatever. Just get on with it.”

Obama: “PERFECT!”

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Obama Care, Trick or Treat?

Fiar — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 13:00:29 +0000

On a completely unrelated note to ObamaCare, but related to Halloween, I went to a 6th grade Halloween dance at the school. Now, first of all, I felt a little awkward showing up at the school, because that is the way I felt in school back when they made me go there to learn how to be a good little subordinate of the State – which they failed at, by the way.

Once I got there, I had an exciting revelation. It turns out they were having an election. I didn’t even need to register to vote. This made me suspicious. Is ACORN behind this voting thing? And just what measures were being taken to prevent voter fraud?

I was completely unprepared to vote. There were approximately 200 candidates, and there was no indication just what position each candidate was campaigning for. What were their party affiliations? What if the candidate I voted for “best use of Halloween colors” was really running for “most realistic costume?” Who audits the vote count?

Not only that, but I had no idea where any of the candidates stood on the issues. I assumed that the person with the most expensive costume was in favor of economic growth, and the person that made their own costume probably favored fiscal responsibility, but was the zombie surgeon in favor of Socialized health care, or opposed to it?

I cast my votes, not knowing anything about the candidates for office, which really isn’t any different than anyone else does in a political election. Mostly I voted for people that looked good, or that I already knew. Also, much like a political election.

I do think the vote was rigged, however. My step-daughter did not win for best costume, and I voted for her twice. I demand a recount.

Happy Halloween!

Thanks to Les for letting me hijack his Halloween picture post.

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Exclusive Interview With Dmitry Medvedev Satire

Fiar — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 12:00:28 +0000

The Planet’s Best Political Humor site sent Eric on Special Assignment for an exclusive interview with Dmitry Medvedev. I must warn you, this post is censored due to strict restrictions on speech in Russia.

First of all I would like to thank The Planet’s Best Political Humor at RadioactiveLiberty.Com for graciously sending me to the Federation of Russia to partake in this conversation.

Eric: President Medvedev, Thank you for offering me your valuable time, I must say it is generous that you would allow me to come here for this conversation. An unscripted meeting of this type with a conservative organization such as Radioactive Liberty is now strictly forbidden in America.

President Medvedev: (his English is perfect, with a slight southern drawl) It is my honor to offer the time of the people of the Federation of Russia to such a prestigious and upstanding organization as Radioactive Liberty. They are at the top of my list of blog sites that I check every day. If it were permitted in my country I would hope to attain such an occupation as this. I very much admire the freedoms of America, and wonder what will become of it in the near future.

Eric: Do you think America is moving in the wrong direction?

President Medvedev: Are you F&*king kidding me? Who is this sock-puppet you have installed as president of your country? OMFG, Have you seen what he is doing to your country? Running all over the world, apologizing for American blood, shed in honor, for the liberty and freedom of others, while at the same time stealing money from your own people to give to the most worthless and corrupt, taking over banks and manufacturing. What a Fascist! He’s such a pu$$y, he wouldn’t last 13 days under a real Marxist regime! At least Putin had some balls! I’m sorry, I don’t mean to explode like that I just hate when democracy enables popular amateurs, rather than capable leaders. There is no substitute for leadership.

Eric: You don’t need to be sorry Mr. President, 48% of us didn’t vote for him either. Tell me more about your feelings about Americas’ future.

President Medvedev: I know your constitution, and it is an admirable and priceless contract between government and the people. I wish the writers of our own constitution 20 years ago were as smart as those who wrote yours 200 years ago. I must say however; that I fear for the stability of the entire world if America doesn’t fix the problems it has developed since socialism and political correctness has taken over the opinions of your voting population.

Eric: What would you advise us as Americans to get back to the basis of who you believe we should be?

President Medvedev: WOW! Are you kidding me? American values, American traditions, American ambitions, American leadership, American courage, American honor, American industry. There is nothing on the earth that can stand against these things. Just get that damn Mussolini-wanna-be out of office, along with all his enablers, and put in charge people who believe in the things America stands for, like Sarah Palin, or Michelle Bachman, or any of those HOT ladies on FOX who are REAL conservatives, oh, and Ronald Reagan, God I miss Ronald Reagan. Russia was this close (holding his index finger and thumb nearly touching) to becoming the new America when Reagan was in charge. Oh, and ban all lawyers from any political positions. Lawyers are nothing but… (Russian translation is not possible, envision all lawyers as Gulag detainees).

Eric: Thank you President Medvedev for this time and for your honest words. The value of which is immeasurable to the people of America.

President Medvedev: It has been my honor to speak with the glorious freedom loving people of Radioactive Liberty. P.S. You think you can get me an interview with that hot Sarah Palin?

Here’s a picture Eric sent back. It’s either him and Medvedev or Medvedev and his wife. It was never specified which one, but rest assured, if that is Eric in the picture, we conservatives don’t care about your alternative lifestyle, so long as you take responsibility for it.

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Nine Months of Obama, What an Abortion

Les James — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 13:00:58 +0000

And if You Don’t Like It, Screw You

What an Abortion is just a euphemism, get over it. Here you thought a euphemism was a nicer way of saying something like, sanitation engineer instead of garbage collector, right? Well, I’m telling you it is a euphemism and I am being nice. But here’s the deal, I’ve got something to say that’s not very funny, and I’m tired of mincing words, so this is going to get ugly. If you don’t like the direction this is heading, you better bail out now. It’s fixin’ to get a whole lot worse, but not just yet.

I know that most of our readers are high functioning, politically savvy individuals. You folks are going to understand the reason for my rant, if not feel the same way. But for you few who stumbled in here by mistake, I’m going to throw you a bone. Take this for what it is, a gift. So for you knuckleheads, here’s a few sightly more PC examples of what this administration has been doing to our country these last nine months: They’ve fouled-up, bungled, botched, mishandled, muffed, fumbled, dropped the ball and blew it.

Not getting it? No wonder. Those limp specimens of polite and proper speech don’t really convey a true sense of our very serious current situation. They were weak words for weak minds. What? If the shoe fits…

Let’s try this again with some slightly more vulgar examples. It’s sad I’ve got to get down to a level you lost ones can understand, but I’ll do for you anyway. That’s just the kind of guy I am. I think a couple of these might actually be original: They’ve pounded the pig, donged the dog, backdoored the baloney, slipped in the sausage, packed the pooper.

No? Damn, some of you are really dense. Who dressed you this morning? Okay, fine. Swan diving off the sidewalk and into the gutter, here’s something you might understand: They’ve fucked us in the ass! Is that better? Do you get it now? See, it was more polite to say abortion, wasn’t it? Trust me next time.

Where was I? Oh, yeah

I’m glad we got through with that. Now, what’s the result of this sodomizing assault? Well, getting back on topic, we’re about to give birth to the evil twins of Obama Care, and Cap and Trade. They’re going to make Rosemary’s Baby look like that cute little kid on the Gerber labels.

This is one instance where I’m very much in favor of extreme late term abortions. (There’s that word again) I’d go so far as to say that we need to take a machete to the bloated Nanny State, cut out this vile and abhorrent pair, and hack them to little bits. Then finish off the Nanny. Too much for your delicate constitutions? Pussies.

Wake-the-hell-up! These two are going to suckle from the government teat until it’s dry. Then they’re going to grow teeth, and start eating everything in sight. Not just house and home, but industry and infrastructure too.

Are you man purse carrying, tree huggers still here? I’d have thought you’d have gotten bored by the lack of pictures. I’m going to bet you didn’t get that last paragraph either? Fine. Here we go again. I’ll use small words. This is going to cost a whole fucking lot of money we don’t have, and will gobble up so much future income that there will be little left for any cool shit, let alone your groceries. Yeah, that means beer too.

Ah, but there’s another issue. Cap and Trade may be switched at birth. We might get the Copenhagen Climate Treaty shoved down our throats. That will put a UN commission in charge of the environment. In case you haven’t noticed, the environment is everywhere, so their mandates will extend around the world.

Then again, the Supreme Court has already given the EPA the authority over that nasty pollutant, CO2. That agency can impose stringent measures without Congress or the UN even having to get involved. Or, it could mean we give birth to quadruplets. And you thought the Octomom had her hands full.

Barry, Barry quite contrary,
How does your Government grow?
With Tax Evaders, and Right Wing Haters,
And petty little Czars all in a row

I’d Love to Change the World

We lost the War on Poverty, so our government has declared a War on Wealth. It’s much easier to tear down the affluent then to build up the destitute. “Tax the rich, feed the poor, ’til there are no rich no more.” Alvin Lee should be writing Obama’s speeches. Here’s the catch, the affluent are now anyone who has money. Any money. And Obama’s gunnin’ fer it.

If you haven’t figured it all out, Health Care, Cap and Trade, massive give aways, redistribution of wealth, the take over of car companies and financial institutions, telling execs how much they can make, etc, etc, is about Control. Government Control. Big, Fat, Fascist, 1984, Animal Farm, Government Control. Personally, I’m tired of getting porked by these punks. It’s time to reach around and neuter these butt pirates by ripping out their genitalia.

This post is going to be seen around the world. Folks in like other countries and stuff are going to read this. Yeah, I find that really weird too. But all politics are local. It’s here and now. We need to continue to fight at a grassroots level. Water your little patch with a healthy dose of truth and keep it in the limelight. No need for fertilizer, there’s more than enough bullshit to go around already. It will grow out to meet the next patch of resistance, and the next, and the next. The end result will be a nice, healthy lawn of conservatism that spreads from sea to shining sea.

Next, we’ll vote out a chunk these bastards next year, and another chunk -along with The Chosen One– two years later. Then we preform retroactive, way late term abortions on all of their destructive intrusions into the General Welfare. Now, that’s a green program I can get behind. Oh, and we’re not going to cut this lawn, it gets to grow wild… and free.

At no time during the writing of this post was the Nanny State slit open, nor were any politician’s genitals torn out by the roots. Too bad.

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Global Warming: Where have all the Flowers Gone?

Les James — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 13:00:14 +0000

Pete Seeger penned what became one of the most popular anti-Vietnam War songs ever recorded. Now at 90, he’s written a new version of the classic, Where have all the flowers gone? The original song has been recorded by the likes of Joan Baez, Peter, Paul and Mary, and a lot of other dirty stinking hippies, making them a lot of dirty stinking money. Oh, and Harry Belafonte too.

The song also showed-up on the Girly Edition episode of The Simpsons in 1998, proving that show’s ability to make fun of everyone.

Now forty-eight years after he wrote those whinny, makes-me-want-to-gag verses, Seeger laments the Death of Global Warming, and the Left’s inability to pick a cause that will stand up to real scientific scrutiny. Pete shares these new, bleeding heart, commie lyrics with us, before he and Fellow Traveler Bruce Springsteen hit the recording studio.

Where have all the flowers gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the flowers gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the flowers gone?
Snow’s covered them every one
When will we ever learn?
When will Al ever learn?

Where have all the summers gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the summers gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the summers gone?
Sunspots gone every one
When will we ever learn?
When will Barack ever learn?

Where has all the consensus gone?
Long time passing
Where has all the consensus gone?
Long time ago
Where has all the consensus gone?
Gone the scientist most every one
When will we ever learn?
When will Congress ever learn?

Where have all the voters gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the voters gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the voters gone?
Gone to the Right one by one
When will we ever learn?
When will Dems ever learn?

Where have all the Liberals gone?
Too long in passing
Where have all the Liberals gone?
Not so long ago
Where have all the Liberals gone?
Out of politics every one
When will they ever learn?
When will they ever learn?

Les: Okay, I added the last stanza.

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Songs For Torturing Terrorists With

Chris C — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 11:41:44 +0000

A bunch of musicians including the likes of R.E.M., Pearl Jam, and Rage Against the Machine are mad their music was being used to torture prisoners at Gitmo.

They have a point. Those are good bands that generally play good music. When it comes to torture you want really annoying. The Meow Mix jingle, also used is not enough.

If I were in charge I’d play Nickelback, Daughtry, and every other band with the same sound and make the prisoners have to tell me which band is which or they get no sleep.

But I’m not running the show so all I can do is suggest songs that would really get under the skin of the terrorists until they gave in and spilled their secrets.

First up is this wonderful lyrical extravaganza.

Or how about this one.

This ditty would be good.

This one could be used in conjunction with the video. Tie in the “Clockwork Orange” therapy method for another layer of torture.

The terrorists would be screaming “uncle” after hearing this one non-stop.

If nostalgia and old-school musical torture is your thing this song is perfect.

But nothing tops this one. It is a song that gets in your head, and frankly, doesn’t end

Do you have any songs you’d like to see us use to torture terrorists? Leave your suggestions in the comments section below.

_________________________________________________________

Chris Cameron is a writer/columnist/beat reporter for Radioactive Liberty. You can also read his odd form of mostly non-political humor at his blog Angry Seafood.

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Political Humor and Conservative Satire Scraper Edition

Fiar — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 16:51:23 +0000

I’m pleased to announce that the Planet’s Best Political Humor has a new and faithful scraper site that is publishing all of our posts in their entirety with all links intact. Obviously, I’m not going to sit idly by and allow this opportunity to go to waste. We are in a financial crisis after all, and when I grow up I would like to make money writing political humor.

While Problogger is busy milking noobs scratching at their clueless, empty heads about how to beat scraper sites by wasting endless hours sending DMCA cease and desist letters to shut down the sites that are giving them a free distribution network and hordes of free keyword targeted backlinks, I would rather take it as evidence that there is a conspiracy to launch RadioactiveLiberty.com to the top of Google for all conservative political humor related keyword searches. Thus, I will abuse the scraper to my advantage by cramming my own posts full of links to myself.

Perhaps there is some sort of Obama government jobs program where you can work at home scraping conservative satire blogs, but just how much recession humor is too much? Speaking of tea parties, did you know that the original tea party protest was a rejection of a big government bailout?

Global warming is dead, and if you knew your facts on global warming, and asked a few intelligent questions about global warming, then you would know that the climate change fairy is not real, so it won’t be on any global warming top 10 lists.

If Billy Mays were still alive today he would be hawking the RL Gear line of political gifts, or maybe he would be making a special offer to double your order of DemTools christmas gift ideas if you order in the next 12 minutes.

Hey Joe, where you going with those hair plugs in your hand? What you really need are some hot Sarah Palin pictures that may or may not be photoshopped by our own Les James.

Well, 20 internal links ought to be enough to count as abusive.

By the way, Obama is Stupid. Where’s my Nobel Peace Prize?

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