The Planets Best Political Humor at RadioactiveLiberty.com

PC is for Retards

Les James — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 15:26:45 +0000

A few days ago I drove through the bustling megalopolis of Beaver Marsh, Oregon -it took all of four seconds, but it was a scary four seconds. It may have been the blood red mobile home with the dark blue trim, or it may have been the wide spot in the road’s name. Whatever it was, suddenly I had an epiphany, and this triggered an emotional response that I don’t know very well… fear.

What had me so freaked-out was that I realized I agreed with Rahm Emanuel. I had to concede he was correct when he spoke to a group of Far Left libs some months ago. They are fucking retards. What’s worse, I defend his right to use that term.

Terrified at this revelation, I took both hands off the steering wheel and quickly reached between my legs. A firm, two handed grasp sent a reassuring bolt of pain to my brain.

Satisfied I hadn’t been neutered -and would soon want to start chanting “Yes we can” between sips of lesbian coffee at a Starbucks, where I was Tweeting- I re-took control of my four wheel drive truck, stomped on the gas and cranked up Rush. As in Limbaugh, not the band, but the band would have been a good choice too.

Emanuel got himself in hot water for not being political correct. Rahm isn’t known for being very PC, or worrying about the sensitives of others. He’s just that kind of guy. While I don’t agree with that point of view (he says without snickering), I do believe most people are overly-sensitive. They sneak around certain words like a wet-back crossing the border. Here’s my solution: Come down from your crosses, use them to build bridges, and get the fuck over it!

A chink with a Samurai sword, a flee-ridden camel jockey and two nappy-headed hos walk into a bar…

All this politically correct bullshit has got to go. First off, why did we even allow ourselves to be drawn into something labeled politically correct? The first word in the phrase should clue you in. Politically? Oh please. Give my lily white, Aryan ass a brake. Even a bleach blonde bimbo from the San Fernando Valley, carrying a Chihuahua in her purse, knows politics are like totally corrupt. Then there’s correct. In whose opinion? What four-eyed, Pollock numb-nuts thought up that winner?

I say, toss that moronic jargon and let’s rediscover the joy of a funny greasy spaghetti bender or a fat, ghetto, welfare mom joke. A chink with a Samurai sword, a flee-ridden camel jockey and two nappy-headed hos walk into a bar… Seriously, don’t you miss the good old days, before people got their itty-bitty feelings hurt or their panties in a wad, and then start whining like a bunch of little girls? They all need to be publicly bitch slapped.

Even Gov Palin -who has nice tits- has forgotten this. Sarah needs to grow thick elephant hide, and not the RINO, McCain backing skin she seems to be trying on for size, like a red “Rogue Warrior Jacket“.

And speaking of nappy-headed hos (No, not Palin, dumb ass. Take your finger out of your nose and get back on the short bus, you retard.), when it comes to Presidents, I don’t really care what a person’s race, color, creed, or any of that other stupid crap is. Or even if they end their sentences in prepositions.

As long as the candidate shares my conservative convictions, I don’t give a flying shit if they’re an eye-patch wearing, midget, Buddhist woman, in a wheelchair with a parrot on her shoulder, who farts in public -both her and the parrot.

Pick whom ever you want, I’ll vote for them. Just as long as they’re not a fag or a hippie, ’cause then I’m going to want to beat ‘em like an anorexic, red-headed stepchild.

Coming soon! New material from Les James at both Sideshow Mirrors and Mild Max

***
When you’re finished reading this, you can either click through to leave a comment or retweet on Twitter.

Hey Dems, Kiss Your Asses Goodbye

Les James — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 15:02:16 +0000

Wow!

That’s pretty much my reaction to that poster from 1911, or just about anything currently coming out of the mouths of the Democrats.

Not a day goes by that I don’t hear a new twist on the same failed policies from the past. No, not the ones George Bush used. I was thinking of the failed policies of Francisco Franco and Benito Mussolini -amongst others. Both of whom are still dead.

You suck my blood like a leech
You break the law and you preach
Screw my brain till it hurts
You’ve taken all my money
And you want more
Excerpt: Death on Two Legs, lyrics by Freddie Mercury

By in large, politicians just don’t listen. Once elected, they conveniently forget to the old, two ears, one mouth rule. Still, there is a bit of difference between Democrats and Republicans. Some Republicans are starting to listen… a little.

Once they removed their giant elephant heads from their cranial repositories, they discovered a bunch of upset folks. Folks that are ready to vote them out, if they don’t straighten-up and fly (to the) right. But the Democrats have their donkey heads rammed so far up, it’s doubtful they could hear anything, except the non-stop, rhetorical diarrhea flowing from their pie-holes.

I’d have to suspect that talking that much shit -with an anal sphincter tightly constricted around ones neck- would lead to their bodily systems running in reverse. It’s no wonder they’ve got backwards ideas, like government creates jobs and Capitalism is too big. And of course, my favorite: the people of Massachusetts we’re so angry at W, they elected Scott Brown. If that’s not comically inversely proportional to reality, I don’t know what is.

With that kind of contrary thinking Dems, it’s time to kiss your asses goodbye. Some of you have more time than others, but all should practice puckering-up. It should be convenient, your lips are already so very close.

But… There’s always a but when it comes to asses, and there are few larger butts or bigger asses than the one I’m about to mention. Believe it or not, I can actually think of one Democrat I’d like to see elected in 2012. It’s with this seemingly ridiculous statement in mind, I want to be first to throw my considerable political influence behind the campaign to elect Ted Kennedy as President.

Think about it.

Now that he’s dead, he finally knows how to keep his mouth shut.

We won’t have to worry about him being assassinated. The Secret Service will be happy about that.

Teddy wouldn’t be able to sign any spending Bills into law. This will make him extremely fiscally conservative.

He won’t be boring us, every other day, with some inane teleprompter speech. I’m pretty sick of hearing Obama read bromides that direct platitudes back to the speaker.

This list could go on and on. Feel free to add your own.

Still, the best reason I know, to go All the Way with Teddy K in 2012, is no matter how much he stinks, it can’t be worse than the stench coming out of Washington now.

Conservative Political Satire and Climate Change Humor by Les James can be located at Sideshow Mirrors and Mild Max

***
When you’re finished reading this, you can either click through to leave a comment or retweet on Twitter.

State Of The Union Address 2010

Fiar — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 02:41:48 +0000

In the Oval Office. Wednesday January 27, 2010. Just before the State of the Union Address which is scheduled to begin at 9pm Eastern time.

An advisor goes over some of the last remaining business of the day with President Obama.

What should we do about the earthquake that devastated Haiti, Mr. President?

We’ll have to investigate what role Climate Change played in this catastrophe. Assemble a bipartisan committee to research this troublesome matter.

But, Mr. President, What if Global Warming — I mean “Climate Change” had nothing to do with the earthquake?

Come now, you can twist statistics and data to support anything, especially with the right funding, if you know what I mean.

Of course, sir. Government grants can certainly inspire hope, and CHANGE of relevant data when there are threats of withdrawing next year’s grants.

It wasn’t necessary to explain to me what *I* meant.

Of course not, Mr. President. I was just noticing that bucket in the corner and was concerned that you might get your head stuck in it. I was thinking that I should call maintenance and have it removed.

What bucket?

That one over there, Mr. President.

I see no problem with that bucket. I’m quite certain that there is no possibility of it getting stuck. Look. I’ll prove it to you.

No! Mr. President. Dammit! Too late.

See. I told you it wouldn’t get stuck. It comes right… Uh. See you just lift it. Maybe if you just wiggle a little as you lift, then that will… No. Give me hand here. I wouldn’t want to say that this bucket is stuck on my head, but I think an extra pair of hands might just do the trick.

It’s not coming off Mr. President. I think it’s stuck.

No. Just jostle it side to side as you pull. It will pop right off then.

Still not working. I’m pretty certain that it’s stuck. I never should have mentioned it. I know you have a knack for doing these sort of things.

We need to get this off. I have a State of the Union Address coming up and I need to consult the Mighty TelePrompter as to what my postitions are on a few issues. I don’t know where I stand yet. There’s no time!

Maybe Jack Bauer can help. He’s always good in a pinch.

He’s not real you idiot. Get this damn bucket off my head before I have to go live!

A voice came over the PA. “…The man with the plan. He brought Hope. He brought Change. Ladies and gentlemen. Let me present to you, The President of the United States. BaaaaaaaaaaaaRack OoooooooBaaaaaaaaaaamaaaaaaaaaa!”

You’re just going to have to go out there with a bucket on your head sir. I’m sorry.

Yeah. Me too.

***
When you’re finished reading this, you can either click through to leave a comment or retweet on Twitter.

The Democrat Car Wreck

Les James — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 15:27:37 +0000

I ran into a liberal on Monday. Actually, it was the other way around, the lib ran into me. This is a true story. It isn’t funny, but I believe it’s worth telling.

Stuck indoors for the last few weeks -while the Pineapple Express sent one warm, wet storm after another our way- I’d contracted cabin fever.

Here in Central Oregon we’re use to snowy winters. But once in a while the gulf stream shifts in such a manner, as to allow the moisture to come in the form of cold rain and wet snow. Those gray, Seattle-type winters make me very aware as to why Democrats living on the west side of the Cascades are such a miserable lot.

Monday, we had a break in the abysmal weather, and I wasn’t about to let the opportunity slip by to get some sunshine. I jumped into my little car and took off. The 32 MPG Aspire had 241,000 mile on it, but still ran like a top. With front wheel drive and studded tires, it beat the hell out of driving my four wheel drive truck in the wet and icy conditions I knew I would encounter going over the mountains.

So, no shit there I was, minding my own business. Off to enjoy a beautiful day. Driving through slushy snow and crossing patches of black ice is not something I like to do, but it’s something I’m pretty good at. Since conditions were poor, I was going all of about 35-40 MPH, on a major highway that cuts across the Cascade Range.

Here’s where the story gets interesting. While I was carefully negotiating a long, sweeping left turn, I saw a red car -coming the opposite direction- slide across the highway, hit the guardrail and proceed at a high rate of speed, right at me.

Let’s recap. I was driving very conservatively. I’d adjusted to the current conditions, not over extending my resources or taking wild chances. I obeyed all the laws and carefully planned out my future path. In other words, doing everything right. Doing everything a good citizen should be doing in that environment. Yet, there was a car in my lane, going the wrong direction.

No matter what the driver did, their failure to read the lay of the land meant that a major crash was inevitable. Panic took the wheel in the red car. The front tires jerked frantically from side to side, but the surface was slippery. The car was now out of control, and we were going to hit head-on.

Calmly observing all of this, I knew I couldn’t brake hard, so I applied slow, steady pressure to the brake pedal. At the last second, I turned my little Aspire so the impact was on the front right side, and not square into the grill. The force of the blow sent me and my damaged property across two lanes, and straight into a snow covered guardrail.

The air bags deployed as the vehicle came to a very sudden stop. If you’re wondering, no, I didn’t die. I knew I hadn’t died, because the pain from being slammed into from the side and then impacting into the guardrail -causing the airbags to smash into my chest and face- was intense. I had difficulty hearing for a good hour.

Remember, I did everything right, but my car is gone, I’m bruised, suffered a minor concussion and can’t get rid of the headaches, but it could have been a lot worse.

The young woman who was diving the red car was very shaken-up, but aside from some scrapes on her face from the airbags, in pretty good shape. I hope she’s learned something, but if the bumper stickers on her car were any indication, she’ll most likely blame it on everything, except her own poor judgment.

I’m left to pick-up the pieces. What I’ll get for the car won’t replace it. I’ll be sore for a while, but will heal. I think the headaches will be with me for a longer time. I’ll find a way to replace what I’ve lost. Until then I’ll drive the gas guzzler. I’ll get another smaller car. It may take a while, but I will get a replacement… and it will be better than the last one.

There’s a lesson here, a teachable moment. The red car can be seen as current political policy, and driving it is Obama and the Democrat Congress… in our lane…going the wrong direction. I’m pretty sure a few Republicans are in the back seat, along for the joy ride.

I, just like most of our readers, have played by the rules. We’ve worked hard, been productive, paid our “fair share” of taxes, and asked for very little from anyone, other than to be left alone. Now, our out of control government is bearing down on us. A head-on crash is inevitable, but it’s not going to be an accident.

After the crash, we conservatives will do what we’ve always done. We’ll pick up the pieces, put them back together as best we can, and get on with rebuilding our lives. It may take a while, but we will rebuild… and it will be better than before.

On a side note, I’ve only been in two accidents. In a bizarre coincidence, I’ve only owned two small cars. Both of them met an early demise at the hands of young women who were into sharing. That is, sharing my lane. Conclusion: These women are very attracted to me when I drive a small car, or -and far more likely- Younger Women Can’t Drive!

Scott Brown Election Beginning of a Great Year

Chris C — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 13:00:21 +0000

Massachusetts voters came out in record numbers on a snowy, rainy day to cast their vote in Tuesday’s special election for the US Senate. Brown vs. Coakley. Obama’s agenda vs. the 41st vote.

But something was missing…

A lack of signs was the least of Coakley’s worries however.

Her issue was mediocrity. She was pretty boring as a candidate. And for the life of me I can’t figure out where her accent is from. It’s kinda weird.

Worse yet Coakley ran campaign ads that were so negative you expected the narrator to say things like “Scott Brown punts puppies.” or “Scott Brown leaves the seat up in a household of three women…can you count on him to care about female reproduction rights?”

Meanwhile, Scott Brown ran a positive campaign and defied the odds with a five-point victory in a state so blue three out of four voters wear socks with their sandals.

So much for that liberal bastion.

Someone pointed out today that 5% is not a big majority, because of course, we are talking about a Republican. Obama gets 5.9% and it’s a landslide.

Whatever.

Brown won and now the Democrats are, well having some issues. You think unstable liberals after a victory are out of their mind?

You have not lived until you have seen the meltdown, the sorrow, the sadness that accompanies a major Democratic loss.

Some are afraid.

“I”m surrounded by Repukes. I think I’m not getting out of my house tomorrow.*”

I like the wording: “…I’m not getting out of my house tomorrow.”

Like there are all these crazed independent political zombies roaming the commentor’s neighborhood in a quest for liberal brains.

Some are really angry.

“It absolutely sickens me….to see this solid blue state have some sleazeball, degenerate, scumbag filth republican as their “representative”. I’m even more sickened and disgusted to see Ted’s seat, that he held for decades on end go to this piece of garbage, cookie cutter, bottom feeding, dirtbag republican.*”

I didn’t know Keith Olberman is a regular poster on the Democratic Underground forums.

Some are so despondent they pull out the race card.

“The unspoken problem with this race is race. Because the election has become a referendum on President Obama, Martha should not expect the support of irish catholics who are traditional rascists.*”

This from a member of the party that celebrates diversity.

In the end you know it was a good election for conservatives when liberals are using things like upside down US flag icons in their comments and forum entries. One person even used 223 puke emotes in a forum comment*, probably getting angrier and angrier with every keystroke.

2010 is going to be a great year for conservatives. Liberals not so much.

[*All comments with this asterisk were from Democratic Underground and Media Matters.]

_______________________________________________________

Chris Cameron is a writer/columnist/beat reporter for Radioactive Liberty. He also has his own blog Angry Seafood.

***
When you’re finished reading this, you can either click through to leave a comment or retweet on Twitter.

Obama Care and George Orwell

Les James — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 14:52:00 +0000

A dystopian post by Les James, from the year 2014

At least in America, George Orwell’s 1984 was about thirty years off. The Reagan Presidency staved-off the rule of Big Brother for a generation, but the dark shadow of Fascism has now blotted-out his Shining City on the Hill. The most recent example of this malevolences surfaced today in an AP blog post.

Phoenix AZ.- Gunfire shattered the pre-dawn silence again this morning. This time it was in the Southwest. In a bold move to secure fairness for the Workers, the Internal Revenue Service raided a Subversive Conservative compound about 45 miles east of the desert city. Approximately 175 well-armed members of the IRS Health Care Enforcement Squad stormed the stronghold.

A spokesperson said the IRS was alerted to the activities of this unpatriotic group through their tax returns. Apparently, members failed to obtain government approved health insurance. Under the 2010 Obama Care mandates, the IRS has full control over regulatory enforcement of the Act.

Over 2000 rounds were expended in securing the compound. All members of this traitorous cabal were killed during the fight. The AP has learned that two men and a woman were found inside the single wide trailer, as well as a unloaded black power rifle and a butter knife. They also confiscated several books by banned, seditious authors. Included were propaganda by Glenn Beck, Mark Levin, Michelle Malkin, and the complete works of Ayn Rand. All were burned at the site.

This is the 43rd such raid in the past month. The IRS reports that more than 20 have died for their crimes, and over 125 have been imprisoned. Head of Collections and Enforcement for the Internal Revenue Service, former Senate Majority Leader, Harry Reid said, “We may not be able to get these treasonous right wing evil-doers through tax evasion, like we did with Al Capone, but we sure can get them for not having health care.

Get more of Les James’ Conservative Satire and Right Wing Humor or delve into the funny side of the Lies, Fraud, Hoax and Myths of Global Warming.

***
When you’re finished reading this, you can either click through to leave a comment or retweet on Twitter.

What I learned from the Coakley Brown Election

Chris C — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 11:00:52 +0000

I swear I’ve seen a lot of stuff in my life…

but…that…was awesome!

The 2010 Massachusetts US Senate Special Election became the political equivalent of the deer waking up in the back seat in Tommy Boy. It was weird.

English Matters But Doesn’t

First there was Martha Coakley’s ad misspelling the Bay State “Massachusettes”.

This was just a typo we were told. And since Democrats were so nice not to criticize Dan Quayle for misspelling “potato” it is best that we return the favor. So I’ll back off.

Then New York Times columnist Gail Collins makes fun of Scott Brown’s daughter’s English skills:

One of his daughters — this is perhaps the best-known factoid in the campaign — came in somewhere between 13th and 16th on “American Idol.”

“For our family, especially me being on ‘Idol’ but my dad being in politics, there are always so many people who have something negative to say,” Ayla Brown told The Boston Herald this week. Her talent was singing, not sentence construction.

But two paragraphs earlier, in the same column:

She is the attorney general, and her speaking style has been compared to that of a prosecutor delivering a summation to the jury. In civil court. In a trial that involved, say, a dispute over widget tariffs.

Hmm that bold part is a sentence fragment. (bold emphasis mine)

“Massachusettes”. “Massachusettes”. “Massachusettes”.

Some Democrats want to get rid of the Senate

Baffling, I know, being that they huff and puff and threaten to blow the house down whenever any kind of inequality is perceived to be real. But the Senate was designed to be the equalizer of state representation.

The argument?

There are 100 members of the Senate. But as Brown is currently reminding us, because of the filibuster rule, it takes only 41 to stop any bill from passing.

U.S. population: 307,006,550.

Population for the 20 least-populated states: 31,434,822.

That means that in the Senate, all it takes to stop legislation is one guy plus 40 senators representing 10.2 percent of the country.

That would be true except for one fact: Those 41 Senators are not from the 20 least-populated states. Here’s what we get when the facts are incorporated into the argument:

Population for the states the 41 Senators represent*: 151,357,784. That’s 49 percent not 10.2.

Now you know why they want to raise the cloture requirement to 67.

The biggest lesson from this experience however is this: The citizens are the deer and Congress is the car.

*A State’s population was only counted once no matter the amount of Republican Senators. Some actually had two. I know weird right? But in a good way.

___________________________________________________________

Chris Cameron is a writer/columnist/beat reporter for Radioactive Liberty. He also has his own blog Angry Seafood.

***
When you’re finished reading this, you can either click through to leave a comment or retweet on Twitter.

Game Change in the Office of Harry Reid

Les James — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 16:34:56 +0000

Two or so years ago in Harry Reid’s Office…

Bill Clinton: “…and that’s why Hilary should be President.”

Harry Reid: “Just because she’s already picked out the drapes for the Oval Office, and her transition team, doesn’t mean she should automatically get the job.”

Bill Clinton: “If she’s not President, she’s going to be pissed.”

Harry Reid: “Bill, I’ve got other people to talk to. Barack Obama is waiting in the outer office.”

Bill Clinton: “Who?”

Joe Biden: “Obama. You remember, he gave that speech at the convention.”

Bill Clinton: “Still doesn’t ring a bell.”

Joe Biden: “Come-on, he’s that nice-looking African-American guy. He’s articulate and bright and clean.”

Bill Clinton: “Yeah, I remember him now. What about Edwards?”

Harry Reid: “He’s having an affair.”

Bill Clinton: “And?”

Harry Reid: “His wife’s a bitch.”

Bill Clinton: “And? So, why do you want this Obama guy anyway? He’s black, right? I mean, what’s the big deal? We’ve already had a black president… me.”

Harry Reid: “Okay Bill, you keep thinking that. Look, it’s time for a game change. This guy is actually only half black, so he’s light skinned and doesn’t speak with a Negro dialect, except when he wants to.”

Bill Clinton: “I’m telling you, Hillary won’t accept playing second fiddle to anybody.”

Joe Biden: “What about me? I’m more qualified than Obama.”

Harry Reid and Bill Clinton: “Shut-up, Joe.”

Harry Reid: “Listen Bill, I’ve got a tight schedule today. I need to get Senator Obama in here.”

Bill Clinton: “I understand. Hey, before he comes in, can you have him get me a cup of coffee to go?”

Les James has more conservative political humor at Sideshow Mirrors and Climate Change Lies over at Mild Max

***
When you’re finished reading this, you can either click through to leave a comment or retweet on Twitter.

Robert Gibbs is a Douche

Les James — Sun, 10 Jan 2010 16:02:09 +0000

Hang on one second. I mean “Robert Gibbs is a Douche” in the nicest way possible. Please give me a chance to explain, before you head off to the comments section, to slam me for calling the President’s Press Secretary a derogatory term.

Thank you. See how nice conservatives are?

We first have to look at what a douche is -it’s a product used to deodorize a certain part of the anatomy. I thought all douches were made for a gender specific purpose. I was wrong. While doing a little research for this post, I discovered there are douches out there designed so both men and women can enjoy a clean, fresh feeling -in a place a little farther back. Try to get that image out of your mind.

Anyway, back to why Robert Gibbs is a douche. His job is to take whatever hole President Obama has gotten himself into, and make it smell better. Gibbs has been handed an awful lot of nasty assignments, but he does his best to make that part of the body politic as fragrant as roses. There’s a joke in here about Bush… Best to let it go.

Personally, I think Gibbs is doing a bang-up job, and deserves a big round of clap for his efforts.

But it not just Gibbs that’s a douche. Anyone who goes about telling the public that what they’re smelling in Washington is success, falls into the same category.

This makes Vice President Joe Biden a douche too. Likewise, the President’s advisers Rahm Emanuel and David Axelrod are both douches. Janet Napolitano is a big douche. Little Timmy Geithner, douche. The Award Winning Democrat Congress, yep, douches. Plus all of the Main Stream Media, every labor union boss, some religious leaders, a butt-load of lobbyist, a bunch of Wall Street types, and several CEOs and boards of bailed-out companies are all douches. The list goes on, and on, and…

We’re surrounded by douches!

Correctly give the number of times the word douche or its plural shows up in this post, and win absolutely nothing. FIAR gets pissed-off when I give away stuff. What a douche.

Les James runs a Douche Free Zone at both Sideshow Mirrors and Mild Max.

***
When you’re finished reading this, you can either click through to leave a comment or retweet on Twitter.

Underwear Bomber Humor

Les James — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 03:03:19 +0000

With the use of naked body scans on the way, should we now be looking for middle eastern males with fuses hanging out their asses?

What do a vacuum cleaner and passenger plane with a terrorist on board have in common?
Both have dirt bags inside.

Do you think the underwear bomber’s lawyer is busy preparing his briefs?

How many would be bombers does it take to bring down an airliner?
None, American civilians keep kicking their butts.

That’s all I got. How about you?

***
When you’re finished reading this, you can either click through to leave a comment or retweet on Twitter.