Rae-Beth's Corner

Weight Loss Journey Came to A Halt

2019-09-20T12:58:00.002-04:00

It's been a while since I've updated on my weight loss journey. That's because I backslid and went back to my old ways. After losing eight pounds, I ended up gaining 10 pounds back. Now, I must

mention that I've never struggled with my weight until now. Therefore, I have an appointment with my doctor where I will discuss doing a hormonal panel and a thyroid panel to be sure they're not giving me issues. Then I will also be discussing the option of visiting with a nutritionist to ensure what I'm doing is healthy.

Until then, I'm back to my healthy ways of eating. So if you have some tasty recipes I can try, please share them. I'm super picky about my foods so it's a struggle to find some healthy options I actually enjoy.

I've planned out my weekly diet menu to make grocery shopping easier on both my husband and me. This includes snacks, but this seems to get boring rather quickly.

I've also tried multiple apps from my phone to help me keep track of my journey, but each one of them had something I didn't like. From not counting carbs in addition to calories or you had to go premium by paying an outrageous price for a month or year. Therefore, I'm doing it old school and using a small journal to track my food and a planner to track my workouts. These will also go with me to the doctors so she can see what I've been up to between each appointment.

Now the not so pretty info...

My current weight is 180 lbs, which I cringe at. I hate this number more than anything because for my height (5ft 1in), I'm super overweight. My goal is to reach 130 pounds but I'm doing this in sprints. So... my first goal is to reach 170 lbs. Once I achieve this, I'll go to the next goal. Then continue until I reach the 130 lbs mark. I think doing it this way will help and not add so much pressure to me.

I really don't have a set date as to when I want to reach the overall goal, but I would like to lose at least 10 pounds within the next few months. I'll be walking, doing workout videos in my living room, and when my Mom recovers from her surgery, we will be hitting the gym.

But for now, this is where I'll start.

Anyone have some encouragement or stories they'd like to share?

My Diet

2019-06-20T20:35:00.001-04:00

So in the last post, I explained the reasons why on losing weight. Now, I'd like to clue you in on HOW I've managed to lose 8 pounds (not a lot, I know) since starting this journey. When I first started, I was basically clueless about where to start since I've never wanted to actually lose weight. So, I did a lot of research and learned so much about myself.

First, did you know there are different body types out there?

Yeah, there is. Like three different ones. Well, come to find out...I'm considered an endomorph. This means I tend to gain weight and have a rough time losing it. I am a pear shape with a thick ribcage, wide hips, and shorter limbs. After reading this, I wondered how exactly that played into me losing weight. Well, this means my metabolism is much slower than the other two body types.

What about the diet though? Let me explain...

In order to lose weight, I needed to adjust my macronutrients. Macronutrients are the three central groups of foods that provide your body with the strength it needs to operate: protein, carbohydrates, and fats. After figuring it out...my macro looks like this:

1586 Calories

Carbs: 122g 30%

Protein: 175g 44%

Fat: 44g 25%

You can check all of this out by taking this test--> Click here.

Once I had that figured out... I went on to search for the best type of diet for me based on the foods I love. Let me remind you.. by this point I've stopped drinking soda, eating a bunch of sugary foods, and upped my intake of water. One thing I didn't learn until it was too late was that I shouldn't have abruptly changed the intake of carbs. I should have gradually reduced them for the best outcome for my body. (I'll explain more about this in a bit.)

So a typical day looks like this for me.....

I wake up and drink 8 oz of water to kickstart my metabolism and I eat breakfast within 30 minutes of waking up. Once I sit with my breakfast, I have my cup of coffee. I eat either an omelet for breakfast or I have an Atkins shake with a yogurt.

My mid-morning snack is either carrots dipped in ranch dressing, celery and peanut butter, or a banana and an apple. Depends on what I'm in the mood for.

Lunchtime I have either pepperoni, ham, turkey, and cheese (without bread) or tuna on wheat crackers. (This part of the day I struggle with.)

Afternoon snack... I choose one item that I didn't have yet that day from the snack list above.

Dinner... I eat a Healthy Choice meal or what is on the menu for dinner that's rather healthy. (Chicken, pork chops, hamburger, etc)

Night snack rolls around and I try to keep this one light. So, I will eat ONE banana or a very small serving of milk. OR I'll eat a 4 oz sherbert/ice cream. (Halo Top ice cream. Check it out. It's tasty.)

But there ya have it. If you have any questions, feel free to ask in the comments below. In the next post, I'll be talking about my workout routine.

I'm Back.... AGAIN!!!

2019-06-17T18:17:00.000-04:00

Man oh, man... it's been FOREVER since I've written anything on here. Now that's about to change. I'm taking on a new adventure, which has been going for about a month now. So come with me as I document this new journey of WEIGHTLOSS. This is where I'll keep a diary of everything I do and see what works vs. what doesn't. Hopefully, someone will find this blog and journey helpful for themselves.

First and foremost, I've decided it was time because I've been doing regular visits to my doctor for various health concerns (not regarding my weight). During this time, I've watched the numbers on the scale going up ... at just about each visit, which was depressing. This is why I've decided to do it. The last time I went to the doctor... I weighed 177lbs, which is my highest weight EVER!! I know some of you may not think it's that bad, but to me it is. Let me put it into perspective. My pre-pregnancy weight looked like this:

This is me after three babies and... well... many many donuts:

I'm the one in PINK!!!

But to me... there's a noticeable difference.

So now you have the reasons leading up to the decision. (Among others which I'd rather not share.) I'm doing this for me. I want to be healthier and have more energy.

****

So on April 22nd, I gave all the soda I had left to my husband and daughter. Then gave the snack cakes to my son and haven't touched them since. I stopped eating my nightly bowl of Lucky Charms and traded them in for a more bland cereal: Cheerios. I had my husband and brother carry my elliptical upstairs from the basement and placed it in my dining room. I was determined.

However, I had no idea where to start when it came to healthy foods and the best "diet" for my body. I should also tell you that I haven't been the best eater. Meaning... I never eat breakfast. A typical day went with me waiting until around 2 in the afternoon to eat. At that point, I'd have something quick since the kids were either coming home from school or I'd have my hands full with housework. Dinner would come around 6ish and then a very late snack when the kids went to bed. I'd drink coffee in the morning and continually drink Cherry Pepsi during the day. Water wasn't ever part of my diet...until now. I found me several large cups, dumped in a bottle of water with ice, and added flavoring. The flavoring was just to add taste. No carbs. No calories. No sugars.

Coffee still remains my wake up drink, but I use less sugar. I'm still working on the water part, which I'll admit needs some work. But I'm drinking more water now than I ever have in my life. I fill up my 30 oz cup and sip on it throughout the day. In reality, I should be refilling his cup twice each day. But... as a good friend told me... baby steps.

As for my diet, I started doing research as to what I should do. I figured that the best way to lose this weight was to educate myself first. With all the upcoming hard work, I never want the weight back so I needed to know the best way to shed the pounds. I took weeks researching and taking notes. Then, I finally settled on a new way of eating, which will be explained in the next post.

TUNE IN TO MY NEXT POST:

My Diet

Eviction for literally... NOTHING

2018-10-07T09:00:00.000-04:00

So now that all is said and done... I'll be telling all of what happened. However, I'm not writing this to put down those who had put my family in this position, I'm writing my testimony and how God worked in my life.

Here we go...

I lived in a small two bedroom apartment above my landlord's garage for about two years. Things kicked off awesome and I thought I found two new friends. Over time, one of the two changed. She became cocky and uncaring. Her children were allowed to openly disrespect me, my husband, and my kids. After much thought, my husband and I decided it was time to move, but we wanted a place where we could call home and NEVER have to worry about moving. We wanted to buy our first home. This sadly did not happen.

After an argument one night in the kitchen with the landlord over the disrespect from her daughter's, we received a typed letter (not notarized or signed by a judge) that told us we had 30 days to move. Anxiety kicked in because this wasn't how I wanted things to end. I even went to the extent of sending apology texts to both landlords and begged for them to give us another chance. That did not work. They were sticking to the eviction.

House hunting started immediately. That's where I felt I lived in my own prison. I was afraid to live, breathe, or even be in that apartment. Mutual respect went out the window and bitterness set in. I lived in my own wallow of pity. I constantly cried as I pack, yet another box. By this point, packing up had become my specialty since I've moved so many times in my life. I seriously wanted this place to be the last in which we rented. My attitude suffered. My emotions had the best of me and it affected my appetite. I ended up losing ten pounds during this hard time. The once always opened blinds during the day, now remained closed. I didn't want to look at the people who so heartlessly kicked my children out over an argument. No, I wasn't late on the rent. The place wasn't trashed and my bills were paid. There wasn't a legal reason for the eviction.

Apartment after house. We looked, called, and inquired. However, it was super hard to find a place close enough to my daughter's homeschool group since they are highly sought areas. Weeks were ticking by and boxes filled the place I once called home. My (at the time) three-year-old son didn't understand what was going on, which made things rough because he's unique. He has a sensory disorder and doesn't do well with quick changes. My daughter stressed that she'd have to leave the only school she fell in love with. However, I was determined to not allow that to happen.

As I was sitting in my recliner, it dawned on me... perhaps God was needing me to do something to open the next door for us and welcome us to our next blessing. So, I got a hold of my attitude, forgave those who hurt us, and prayed. Boy... did I pray. Every second of every day. I came to call this place of my life... the "in between" stage. You know... it's that time in life where things that once was became things of the past, but the things of the future haven't quite made it to the present yet. In this stage, I prayed and held on to my faith. I knew God had something great in store for us. I just had to be still and allow Him to work.

Then one evening, my son's ex-therapist notified me of a potential home that was available. We immediately called the landlord and set up a time to see the place. This place was perfect. Set close to my daughter's school. Not in a crowded town. Off road parking with a carport. Fenced in... side yard that is safe for my son to run and play. I loved the outer appearance.

We stepped onto the nice sized porch and into the home. Directly into the very spacious living room. It seriously was the size of two of the living room that I had in the apartment. Lamanite hardwood floors. Beautiful large windows. Perfect. Then we saw the spacious bedrooms, which were much bigger and I could even put my queen bed in the middle of the wall and still have room to walk around. In my old apartment, our bed could only be against one wall and there was a window directly above our bed, which I don't like. We walked down the hallway that went to the other side of the house when I noticed BUILT IN bookshelves!! They are gorgeous. I took this as a sign from God because He knows my passion for writing and my love of books. We stepped into the kitchen area which took my breath. It was so much bigger and I was humbled to think that we could live here.

Once we did some talking afterward, we headed back to the old place with our hope restored. I excitedly packed boxes. There was a process we had to go through before the landlord could give us an answer, but I continued to pray.

The application came. We filled it out and emailed it back. The landlord told us that she'd have to check my references and she'd let us know. I didn't have a worry about this because I knew God had my back and He was going to take care of us.

Almost a week passed before we found out that we got the house!!!

I happily carried out my boxes to the moving truck a few weeks later. Gave the apartment a good cleaning and I handed over the keys to the old landlord. The landlord checked the apartment and told us we'd have our deposit the following week. Climbing into our beat down CRV, I was elated! I could finally get away from that prison and LIVE!! So many people volunteered that day to help us move and they did so... carefully. You see, in the past, I've had so many things damaged from moving, but this one... I only lost a glass and for that I am grateful.

Now, I was unpacking with my mother's help and setting up. My daughter's sleeping issues disappeared and she enjoyed having her room again. (I'll explain this later.) My son had so much room to run, and that's exactly what he did. By late evening, everyone had left and we were officially home. Hubby had already set up all utilities and the internet so I could immediately get back to writing. As he worked on putting beds together, the kids and I helped get the cat comfortable. However, as soon as we opened his carrier, he was home and he knew it.

Life settled in and things were coming along. We received a letter in the mail and thought it had been our deposit from the old apartment. It was and no it wasn't. You see... the landlord decided that it was her right to keep part of it because the VA helped us and paid the deposit when we first moved in. However, it was clearly stated that it was to be returned to us. Next, she explained that since our rent was due on the 1st (per our lease) that the 15 days in April were unpaid for. However, I had a receipt that proved the rent was paid and it was dated the 15th, which was when we verbally agreed on. Then, to make matter's worse, I noticed that we were going to need to take her to court in order for this wrong to be corrected.

We gathered all paperwork and proof. 1. All paid bills. 2. Rent receipt. 3. Eviction notice.

While we waited for the court date to approach, the Lord had a few more blessings in mind. We were planning our very first trip to the beach, which had been in the works since before we were evicted and A NEW CAR!!! My husband and I desperately needed a new vehicle, as ours was always breaking down. One evening, the horn on the CRV decided to go off on its own and that was the breaking point. God made it possible for my husband to bring home and pay for a newer Honda Civic.

See in the midst of our storm, I wanted to give up but didn't. I threw all that had me worried and ready to break to Jesus and allowed Him to carry the burden. He worked it out for the best of my family and I totally give Him all the credit for everything we have now. I am grateful and very appreciative for everything and I couldn't thank Him enough.

****

If you are going through a trying time, please do not give up. Hold on. Pray and ask God for help. Then give it to him. We can't ask him to help if we're still standing in the way with worry and anxiety. Give it fully to him and if you feel worried again, pray. NEVER STOP PRAYING!!! Prayer works. God hears you and He loves you!!

It's been over a year..... WHAT?!?!?

2018-10-06T21:06:00.001-04:00

I can't believe that it's been over a year since I've written anything on this blog. I do apologize to each one who follows this blog and looks for inspiration. My life got rather crazy this year. Therefore, I'll be doing what I can to catch you up to date.

First and foremost, everything is going great! I couldn't be happier. God has blessed me and my family so much within the 2018 year and it's truly amazing. I know the last time I was sporadically writing, I was in such a dark place. But... man, oh man... let me tell you... Jesus has been working in my life!!!

In May of 2017, my grandfather, whom I loved so so much and adored, passed away. As well as my high school sweetheart in 2018. So that added to the heartache that May already brings.

In March 0f 2018, I was evicted from my home (long story here) and I had to move by April 14th. This brought so much stress to my life, but it was also a test in my faith. When all seemed to be falling through and it looked like we were going to be homeless, the Lord stepped in and blessed us with a bigger/beautiful home. I love it here. It's so spacious. We have our own yard and the landlord is great!!

My daughter was diagnosed with anxiety and started medication. She was doing therapy but that abruptly ended when her doctor left the practice. (I'll continue to blog about this later on.)

My husband has been freaking incredible and has made so much positive change. (This too will be in blog posts and a book very soon.)

I had a few health hiccups but I believe I'm back on track and healing. Thanks to the Lord!! (I'll also explain this in a later blog too.)

So, now we are happily living in our new home in a completely different town and I can't thank God enough for all that he's done in my life. Now, in future blog posts.... I'll be explaining why. So, until next time....God bless and I hope to see you again soon.

Struggling To Fit In

2017-04-09T08:00:00.000-04:00

Sunday morning had arrived.

I pulled myself out of bed after a restless night while stumbling to the coffee pot.
As my fresh cup of delight brewed, I started the wake-up process for my family so we could start getting ready for church. I waited for the kids to shuffle out of bed so I could get them their breakfast while I enjoyed my coffee.

Nothing felt better than a fresh cup of coffee mixed with the morning sun.

Kids fed, dressed, and ready to go...
we headed off for the morning service.

Excitement filled me as I awaited to see what the Lord had
in store for this service. He never failed to point out the things that I needed
to work on or to discretely answer my prayers.

My hubby parked the car and we headed inside.
We were greeted by those holding the door as we passed inside.

I sat my toddler son down and wrestled to take off his coat while I kept his close by my side.
I didn't want him off breaking something or falling down the stairs which led to the basement.
Once we had the coats on the rack, we took our seats and readied ourselves for the service.

My mom, step-brother, and step-dad come in shortly behind us and take their seats next to us.

Excitement fills the room as my sisters enter and people shuffle toward them. Their joyfulness of my sister's arrival has several turning their heads to see what was going on. See my sisters live an hour away and visit our mom when they can.

While I sit watching in silenced, they walk to the pew and one sits on either side of me. Still... I'm silent. My husband managed to disappear in the crowd once again. Panic arises when my eyes scan the crowd and I don't see him.

A voice pulls my attention to the pew in front of us. Another person... excited to see my sisters. She directs her welcome and brief conversation of how she and my sisters need to meet up sometime. Then, skipping me... she talks to my younger sister.

Forgotten.
That's how the lack of a cheerful welcome makes me feel.
I try to push these feelings aside because I know that even though I'm
invisible to them...
I'm not invisible to God!

For a long time, I have always been the one on the sideline....
watching.

The last to be chosen.

The one who didn't have many I could call friends.

As I stand on the outside, I want to make myself noticed. I want others to see me. Yet,
the anxious part of me wants to run. The little voice of anxiety tells me that if people wanted to talk to me... they would... without me forcing it.

I feel anxious when many people are around or a few take notice and make small talk.
Most of these small conversations are artificial. I really don't think they want to REALLY know how I am doing. Because if I answered that honestly, I'd tell them I was a mess.

Then, I remind myself...
it's not the acceptance of the world I should seek.
But that of the Lord.

He is who matters.
He is who loves me.
He is the one who will always be there!!!

Anxiety Isn't Forever

2017-04-08T08:00:00.000-04:00

Sweaty palms....

Racing Heart....

Headache....

Stomach pains....

Hard to Breathe....

These are all some of the symptoms I feel when my anxiety is present, which happens

to be more than I care to acknowledge.

I suffer from anxiety

Full blown.

At any given moment, it surfaces and

most times there's no reason.

I constantly feel as if I have a weight sitting on my chest...

My hands... I'm not quite sure what to do with them

I just have to move because of the overwhelming feeling, as if it might help.

I often find it worse when I'm riding, yes riding because I don't drive.. in the car.

Down the interstate.

I check my phone.

Put on Chapstick.

Play with my phone more.

Change the radio station, especially if the music is making it worse.

Most of the time, I have to remind myself...

Anxiety isn't forever.

It may be the one thing that follows me through my life

but one day... I'll be free.

Jesus promised me this.

I know that when I die and go home...

I'll be free.

Until then...

I'll fight with every ounce of

strength I have.

It's not over

not now

not today

not in this lifetime.

But...

one day

will

be.

The Uncomfortable Truth

2017-04-07T17:03:00.000-04:00

Trust & Forgiveness

My biggest struggles in life right now.

A lot has happened to get me to the point in my life where

I struggle to forgive this particular person. You see.. when I thought I

had forgiven them, something came up to show me that this person wasn't being the person

they were putting off. They would repeatedly do the exact things to hurt me, yet expect

me to continually forgive them..

... and I did because what kind of Christian would I be if I didn't forgive those

who has wrong me like Christ forgave those who wronged him?

At times, I feel as if these feelings were going to consume me; leaving me unable to trust

fully once again. A lot of the time, I found myself living these past struggles, instead of enjoying

the here and now. I couldn't help it though.

The thought of this person being in these situations.. doing the things they did... replay in my mind

like a movie I never intended to see. I often wonder if the words of encouragement, love, and endearment are real or if they're just a cover for more things going wrong. I struggled to set boundaries for myself; telling myself to let go. I remembered thinking that if I could just forgive...then I could move on. Then I wondered if it were pointless or worth saving.

I am often faced with the dilemma of... "Is it time to walk away to save me?" When is it okay to stop the hurt and say that it's enough?

Apology after apology.

Wrongdoing after wrongdoing.

Lies.

Deceit.

Secrets.

It's like a never-ending cycle.

I can't make them change, regardless of how much I desire for them to do so. I try to talk with them, so they know the way I feel. This goes either one of two ways...

1. They never have anything to say....

2. Their actions are a result of my inaction.

Then, I feel like I hit a brick wall.... again.

Communication halted.

A few days pass...

and we go on like nothing happened.

Everything was swept under the rug.

Except now...

now I am expected to carry on while carrying

the hurt, anger, and pain.

Never seems as if the cycle will end...

... unless....

I walk away.

Walking away....

the thought hurts and questions take over.

My heart aches thinking about it

but I know I have a choice to make.

They say history repeats itself...

... does this pertain to relationships?

If only they would fully open up and talk.

Put into action the words that they speak.

Show love...ALL the time. Not for a week and then go right back.

- Anonymous

Your Own Worst Enemy

2017-04-07T13:56:00.000-04:00

Life has many ups and downs, along with twists and turns. We often
face situations that push us and try us to the point of exhaustion.

A few nights ago, I was woken up by my ten-year-old daughter who has been
having a hard time staying asleep at night. Once I gave her something to cuddle,
a drink, and another hug/kiss, I went back to my room and laid down. While I was
laying there, I quietly listened to my husband's heaving breathing, which was followed
by our son's heavy breathing. I wasn't able to fall back to sleep since I had been woken up
several times throughout the night by both kids. I decided to lay there and ponder with my thoughts. I seriously hate when this happens because then I happen to think of all the hurtful conversations, hurtful events, and the ongoing hurt from them. I think of ways
I should have responded or I think of the things I should have said. There have even
been times where the anger flared back up and sleep was pointless. My brain likes to push
the repeat button on these memories, which lead to my heart racing and me fighting not to wake up
my husband to talk. Yes, most of these memories are of unsettling events between us within the previous twelve years.

This endless cycle made me realize something. The only reason why this spiritual battle keeps

occurring is because I have a hard time with letting go. I have a hard time just letting things lay to rest when these issues haven't been sorted through; they had been hushed and swept under the rug. I'm the type of person who needs to talk through my feelings on anything that I feel is wrong. If not, I pay for it because my mind goes through an endless amount of torture for me. Yes, my mind causes me pain. I allowed this to happen for so long.

Anway, there I was at four in the morning, laying in bed while fighting back tears while my heart

raced and my anxiety heightened. All the wronged that I had endured flooded through my veins, making my temper rise. The spiritual battle in full force.

That's how the enemy works. He will wait until he can catch you off guard so he can haunt you with all those unsettled situations that still bother your soul. Most of these nights, I cried in silence to be sure I didn't wake my family. The lies flooded my mind making me believe that I was destined to never feel true happiness because I always had these unsettled issues to be worked.

On this particular night, I decided to head out of the bedroom. I joined my overly fluffy white cat, who was sprawled out on the sofa. By this point, the thoughts of my mind had me in a nauseating point of hurt because of all the unfinished business; the conversations that hadn't been. There I sat, thinking, hurting. Deep inside, my spirit wanted freedom and healing. However, my heart and mind wouldn't allow that because they continued to listen to Satan's lies.

That's when I silently cried out to the Lord while looking out the window behind my couch. As I stared at the silence outside, I asked the Lord for help. I wanted to be free from the hurt, lies, deception, and pain. I asked the Lord to take control, I didn't want the job of me anymore.

Once I did this, I learned a bit about what was happening. As I threw myself into this cycle, I never gave God the option of stepping in and fighting this for me. I was blocking myself from my own blessing. I've learned that in order for God to gain control, we have to be willing to lay it down and walk away so He can pick it up. How can the Lord take over when we continually laid it down for a little bit and then pick it back up? If the issues are being held by us, we aren't giving God the room He needs. We need to put it down completely, turn, and walk away. No going back.

****

Are you willing to give your situation to God and allow Him to work it out through His power and authority?

Idea's for keeping a journal...

2017-04-05T17:25:00.003-04:00

I'm a BIG fan of journaling.

You could say that I collect them just to have, but

sometimes I actually USE them for their intended purpose.

If you've been following me and what I do... then you know I'm

a writer/author by trade.

Yes, I'm serious...

No, really...

Look me up on Amazon....

See...

Told ya... LOL

Anyway, as an author I know and have heard many times while

I write Heavenly Realities: Stumbling toward Gratitude ...

"Oh, I can't write in a journal. I'm not cut out for it like you."

"I don't have the time."

I'm here to tell you...

Yes, you can and yes, you do!!

Over time I have realized that my biggest road block in writing

is not knowing what to write. Well, that is one reason why I decided to write

Stumbling Toward Gratitude and this very post.

See, I'm going to share with you the ways I've used my own journals so you can

start one of your own. I can honestly say it's the best thing I have ever done!

When I take

the time to journal,
I'm giving myself the gift of me time.
I'm allowing myself a chance to breathe and just be.
I dedicate a half an hour before I laid down each night
to writing in my journal. This helps wind down and
it gives me a clear heart before bed.

Therefore, I decided to give you some of the same
ideas so you can take some time for yourself.

So here we go...

****

1. Prayers

We often have such a busy schedule and
a good bit of the time we don't set aside time for God. By keeping a prayer journal that
we devote our time to, we are giving ourselves time with God.

2. Gratitude

With a gratitude journal, write down three things
that you are grateful for that happened during that day.
(Check out Stumbling toward Gratitude to help you
with writing prompts.)

3. Praise Journal
(One of my favs)

In addition to gratitude, we can write down
the positive things that happened during the day.
This is a good way to focus on the good and not
the bad.

****

I hope these ideas help you and you'll consider doing something for yourself and starting a journal. In our busy lives, we deserve the down time.

***
How else might you consider using a journal?

Like a Child...

2016-09-22T06:00:00.000-04:00

Parenting is a mission that many are selected to do. It's a forever mission appointed by God. As parents, we are qualified to do His bidding. We are to be the light that shines through the dark so our children can find their way. We are to speak and teach the truth. But our most important job within parenting is to pray for our children.

Over the past ten years of my parenting journey, I remember feeling like a failure when it came to my kids. At times, I even feel this way today. My oldest seems to always want her life to revolve around electronics and when she's glued to her Kindle, her attitude sucks. At one time, I felt like I failed, like my body failed when I lost my daughter in the womb and she was stillborn. I have even felt like a failure with my currently two-year-old son because he's not where the doctors believe he should be when it comes to talking.

God has spoken to me on numerous occasions in the most unexpected ways. He told me that He understands what it feels like to lose a child and gain one at the same time. I was confused by this and it took me three years to understand. He lost His child to sin but gained Him by the cross.

He told me He understands my pain when it comes to the broken relationship that I have with my oldest. I have had the hardest time trying to connect with my daughter as she gets older. Our interests aren't the same. She loves dinosaurs and I'm clueless about them. She enjoys Pokemon and I don't even know where to begin. She hates doing her hair and I love it. She's not interested in makeup but I enjoy it. We are very different. I keep reaching out and she keeps pushing away. I try to teach her the right ways to go and it seems to flow in one ear and out the other. I try to guide, protect, and love her to the best of my ability, but she won't have any of it.

Does this sound familiar?

Now, let me explain how God understands what I am going through as a parent. He continually loves us. There isn't a sin in this world that will stand in between the love of God and His child (You). God has given us freedom, as I have done with my daughter, to choose our own way. He gives us the opportunity for us to show Him in return the love we have for Him. However, this doesn't stop Him from pursuing a relationship with us. Just as I have done in the past with my daughter, God is doing it with us too. He reaches and we push away. He comforts and we blame Him. He wants to build a stronger relationship with us but we're nieve and think we can handle it on our own. We are His stubborn children.

Regardless of how much we push away, He's always there when the rough spots hit. That's when we seem to seek out His love, strength, and healing the most. But He wants more than that. He wants us ALL OF THE TIME. He will continue to pursue us because He knows we are worth it. He knows the ways He can teach us. He knows how He can or will use these to teach us about Himself so we can get to know Him better. He knows the ways to make us more like Him by growing the fruit of the Spirit within our hearts. We just need to open up to Him and allow Him to work.

This is especially true when it comes to our children too. Once we fully submit to God, we can focus on our children and teach them of the love of Christ. We can trust our children to Him through prayer and by building our relationship with Him.

He's here.

He's waiting.

Do you accept?

Come Sit. Let's talk....

2016-09-21T10:17:00.001-04:00

Grab a cup of coffee and stay awhile.

❤️

I have something to tell you.

I'm talking to you.

The Mom who is stressed and depressed.

The one who tries so hard but feels like you failed.

The one who has puffy eyes with dark circles around them.

The one with spit up covering your last clean shirt.

The one who fights daily to get your child(ren) up and off to school.

The one who battles the "know it all" attitude.

I'm talking to ALL mothers at every stage of parenting.

❤️❤️❤️

This message is an important one and I pray you open your heart to receive it!

Motherhood is very rewarding and most of the time, it's a journey where Mom's wonder if they're doing this parenting thing right. At times, we lay in our beds after a very rewarding, yet stressful day, and wonder if we made any difference in our children's lives. Maybe you're worried about the news you just received and you're unsure of the steps you must take. Perhaps you feel that you need to be strong because it's the only choice you have. Maybe, you're laying in bed going over the list of things that you didn't get done or of the upsetting situation that occurred only hours before.

Can I tell you something? What if I told you that none of this matters? What if I told you that you're doing exactly the right thing and that you don't need to stress about it?

You see life is full of its own challenges. These small bumps in the road are only meant to build you up for the greatness God has in store for you. Each one of our stories are the same, yet they're different. Motherhood has such a vast array of obstacles in it and sometimes we find ourselves comparing our parenting skills with those around us or we find ourselves weakened by these obstacles which make it hard for us to believe that we're on the right track. However, all these negative thoughts hinder all the beautiful things that we did accomplish and they overshadow the best moments.

Take a moment. Push aside any negative thought you have that are clouding your mind. Allow God to show you the moments where you made a difference in your child(ren) life/lives. I'm sure you're weakened spirit is at a weary moment right now. Maybe the beautiful moment I am referring to is that moment where your toddler stopped in mid run to turn to you for a slobbery kiss and big hug. Maybe it's that moment where your child ran into the house from the bus ready to show you all of the studying you helped with paid off with a high test score. Maybe it's the college acceptance letter that arrived in the mail. These are the blessings I want you to see and remember.

We all feel like we've messed up somewhere along the way but let me assure you...YOU ARE DOING GREAT! The enemy is whispering all these lies in your ears and I want you to know that his goal is to steal your joy. He wants you to focus on those areas in life where you feel defeated, broken, and anxious. He wants you beating yourself up because your toddler ate the crayon before you noticed. He wants you constantly feeling bad for forgetting the school lunch during a trying morning with the kids. He wants you to feel like you failed because your teen has an attitude problem and is facing hardships that only adults should be enduring.

STOP THOSE LIES IN THEIR TRACKS!

Let me tell you this....

You are worthy.

You are smart.

You are strong.

You are amazing.

You are not a failure.

You are A MOTHER!

❤️

Being a mother is such a blessing. From this moment on, I want you to focus on the part of life where you succeed and stop focusing on the "mess ups". Stop looking for the unfinished tasks from the day because you have done everything God needed you to do. He guides and gives. He loves and forgives. Therefore, you need to forgive yourself.

You are the daughter of a King and you are worth far more than rubies. Hold your head up. Praise God for the joys of motherhood and ask Him to guide you in your moments of weakness. With Him, all things are possible. Therefore, don't shy away from Him but run into His waiting arms to be embraced by His love, strength, and grace.

Daily Inspirationals??

2016-09-20T17:22:00.002-04:00

I know I've been slacking on this blog lately. However, I believe I have found my way again and believe that I know what I want for this blog. So, check back daily for your dose of inspiration. I pray that each message I share here will touch the lives of many and encourage each person who reads them.

You can subscribe to my blog to receive these daily messages in your inbox for your convenience. As they are posted, you'll be emailed. :)

Also, stay up to date on my current book news by checking me out on Facebook or on my website.

My Absence

2016-09-19T17:24:00.003-04:00

I want to apologize for not keeping up on this blog as much as I would like. Life has me super busy writing and taking care of the family. If you'd like to stay up to speed with me, please seek me out on Facebook here: https://www.facebook.com/raebethbuda/ This is my book page where I update it several times a day. Once I get a bit more organized here at the home front, I'll start writing here again.

Feel free to share any article you read and enjoy!!

Parenting as a Christian Mom

2016-07-01T16:42:00.000-04:00

Since I was a little girl, I always dreamed of being a Mom. I loved the idea of the bottles, diapers, and dressing the baby. I loved the idea of cuddles, kisses, and hugs. The idea I had as a mother was way less than what it turned out to be. My daughter is completely different than I had imagined. I envisioned this little girl who would play dress up with my shoes and makeup and would love baby dolls and Barbie dolls. Instead, she'd rather play with bugs and learn about dinosaurs. She is very emotional and is head strong. However, I wouldn't chance her for a second. My son loves to make people laugh, cars are his favorite, and he's a Momma's boy.

Most of all, I wanted to teach them about life and the love of Jesus. Each one got an age-appropriate Bible the day they were born, which they played with. I read them stories out of each book. We prayed before each meal and before bed. However, I never taught them to REALLY pray.

Parenting has a lot to do with prayer. I find myself seeking guidance for the Lord through prayer quite a bit when it comes to my children. As a parent, we want the best for our children so what better way to do it than by going to the Most High and asking for His guidance? Our greatest times as a parent happens when we are on our knees; open and honest.

What exactly do we pray for when it comes to our children?

I'm going to share with you... my list of powerful verses I pray when I'm praying for my children. Feel free to use them too for your prayers.

****

I pray for strength. In a tough world where things aren't so godly, our children need the strength to face it and deal with each issue. So, I pray the Lord will provide strength to them throughout their day. (I can do all things through him who strengthens me. ~ Philippians 4:13)

I pray for courage. It's a scary world out there and things seem a bit crazy. This world can certainly have us cowering in the corner. I want my children to go at life head-on. Ready to tackle anything that comes their way and they can do this through Christ. (Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. ~ Joshua 1:9)

I pray for peace. In a world of war, our children need a sense of peace in their hearts. I don't want my child anxious and fearful because of the events going on around us. (Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. ~ Philippians 4:6)

I pray for procurement. I ask God to provide them with everything they need each day. This would help them to not fear for the future and look at it with hope. (And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. ~ Philippians 4:19)

I pray for direction. I pray for the Lord to guide each thought and decision they make. I want them to make godly decisions for their lives as they get older and I want them to be able to make healthy decisions that will benefit their futures. (Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6)

I pray for protection. I ask God to protect my kids from all harm that may come their way. I've lost one child and I pray that God keeps them safe and allows me to parent them (earthside) for many more years to come. (He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust. Psalm 9:1-2)

I pray for joy. I want my children to feel the type of joy that only comes from the Lord. This type of joy is one I love feeling and knowing my children are filled with it is a blessing. (You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore. ~ Psalm 16:11)

I pray for compassion. In a world where compassion is lacking, I want my children to be the ones who allows Christ to shine through when their showing love and compassion. I want them to always focus on the needs of others, in addition to their own. (Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. ~ Ephesians 4:32)

I pray for justice. I want to be sure that my children will stand up for what is right. Even if that means their standing alone. I want them to stand up and defend those who can't do it for themselves and seek the right ways in all situations. (Learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow’s cause. ~ Isaiah 1:17)

I pray for wisdom. I want them to have the smarts to know which decisions are in the best interest of them. I want them to always choose what is right. (If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. ~ James 1:5)

I pray for hope. I want them to have the type of hope that exceeds the kind we have on earth. I want them to have heavenly hope that only God can give them. (May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. ~ Romans 15:13)

I pray for love. I ask for them to be filled with the love of Christ so that they can go out into the world and show others what godly love really is. (Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. ~ 2 Corinthians 13)

What are some of the things you pray for your children?

3rd Birthday in Heaven

2016-05-27T00:00:00.000-04:00

Happy 3rd Birthday, Dakota.

I cannot believe that it's been three years since I saw her precious face for the first and last time. It's been three years since I held her perfect body. It's been three years since I felt her soft skin. It's been three years since I kissed her perfect little head.

Oh God, do I miss her!!!

I know that we will be together again soon, my daughter.

I pray that you're enjoying the beautiful melody of God's choir and the heavenly hugs mixed with kisses.

Fly high, Baby Girl

Mommy, Daddy, Sissy, and Baby boy will be with you soon.

We love you very much!

Love,

Mom

Favorite Verses of the Bible

2016-05-02T12:30:00.001-04:00

Today, I'm going to share with you the verses within the Bible that spoke to me and that I live by on a daily basis. Each verse has a special meaning for me. God wants us to study His word, learn it, and live by it. I hope this inspires you to create a verse list for yourself and push you to live by each one daily.

- 1 Peter 4: 8 "Above all, love each other deeply because love covers over a multitude of sins."

This verse tells me that regardless of a person's lifestyle, beliefs, or sins, we are to love them.

****

- 1 Peter 5: 7 "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."

I have a major problem with allowing my anxiety to control my life. This is one of the most difficult verses for me to give into because I have way too much self-control. Through prayer and with God's help, I will overcome this anxiety, and be free by casting away the anxiety from me and giving it to God.

****

- Ephesians 2:8 "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God."

This verse speaks to me on so many levels and makes me emotional. God is so good. He is so good where he extended His grace to me and I am saved. He gave His life for me, a sinner. I am a sinner saved by Grace and it means so much to me.

****

- Philippians 4:13 "I can do all this through him who gives me strength."

Without this verse, I wouldn't have been able to make it through the death of my unborn daughter. I remember this verse showing up everywhere the weekend before I lost her. That Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, the Lord showed me repeatedly that I needed Him to endure what was to come. He was the first one I turned to when my heart shattered. No one but He fixed my broken heart.

What are some of your favorite Bible verses? Why?

Direction and Purpose

2016-05-02T12:17:00.002-04:00

I've been having a hard time figuring out who I am in Christ. I've done a lot of praying and taking time with God to figure out what it is that I'm supposed to be doing. As I listened to the whispers of God, I heard that I have been given the gift to write for His glory. I'm meant to write about my faith and love for Jesus Christ. As well as His love, grace, and mercy for those who visit this blog.

This blog is a spin-off from my author blog and I invite each one of you to check out the bits of inspiration there by following this link: http://raebethbuda.blogspot.com/ This blog shares my books and thoughts that spiral from the works I create.

My plan for this blog is to keep it family oriented, but Christ will be the center of ALL the writing. So, grab a cup of coffee (or tea), sit down, and relax with me.

Let's chat....

Journal Entry #1

2016-01-30T15:02:00.001-05:00

Dear God,

Where have you been?

Why did ou leave me?

I just don't understand. Life is hard right now. I've prayed and prayed for your help, but I haven't gotten an answer to even one prayer! I tithe. I pray. I help out in the community; sharing Your Word and telling people about you. Yet, here I am confused, angry, and disappointed. I'm confused because I was told that you'd always be there for me and that you have great plans for me, yet I can't pay my bills and I'm living out of my family's home. Then, I thought this move was for something that had to do with your great plan, but I find that it's been more stress, heartache, and displacement.

The anger and hatred that flows through this home are unbearable at times. I don't understand. Why did you show me that this was part of my story and have it be a roller coaster of arguments, tears, and pain?

I truly thought this was the best option. I thought it'd make things easier for me and my family; only to find more anxiety. I tried to push the enemy away, but he's extremely strong at times. He seems to overtake everyone here and attitudes shoot to the sky. Sarcasm overflows. The actions of those I'm around, do not reflect you and I wonder where you are.

When tension is on the rise, I feel as if I'm alone. I don't understand it. I've been through so much in life and it seems to keep coming at me like waves in the sea; one after another. They hit so hard. Some have managed to knock me over, but I struggle to get back up and push forward. Haven't I been through enough? When will my life fall into place? When will I have the desires of my heart?

It's to the point where I'm about to give up. I can't take this anymore. I can't take the confusion within my life and the stress. I can't take the constant emotional roller coaster that's been heavily clouding this house. Please, help me!!

Love,

*****

My Precious Daughter,

I haven't left you. Nor will I ever. I wouldn't ever forsake you, especially in this difficult time. You are so important to me and I love you. I rejoice every time I hear you telling someone about me. I rejoice when I hear you singing your praises to Me. It may seem as if I'm quiet, distant, or absent. However, that couldn't be further from the truth. I have been right beside you the entire time. I promise you that everything you're going through is worth it. Just wait...you'll see. I understand the pain and I promise you...it isn't for nothing. Everything is important and you matter so much to me. I know everything about you.I know the moment you rise in the morning, each thought that comes into your mind, and I know the words you're going to say before they are even formed on your lips. I know how many strands of hair is on your head. Even when it seems like I'm far away, I'm still with you.

I've been trying to fight my way into the home you speak of, however, it's hard when so many are closing off their ears to my whispers. I see the tears and the heartache within the home. Believe me, I know the lies of the enemy and the temptations he creates to distract you from me. I hear the lies he's whispering. My child, call upon me when you're being tempted and I will always come to you. For I have already won that battle the day I was crucified. When Satan is present, push the darkness away and cover yourself in the light.

My daughter, remember you are NEVER alone. Those are just more lies of the enemy. As I have promised, I am always with you and I love you. My thoughts and blessings are poured out to you and I promise everything will fall into place when the time is perfect. Just wait and see. Don't give up. The brokenness of your family can be changed if all turn to me and push out the enemy. I can restore your hopes in your future and I can remove the pain of your heart. I can fill your life with joy and cast away each burden. I can heal you and restore you. Just open your ears to my whispers, hear my voice, and remember I love you!

Love Always,

God

Being Content With What You Have

2016-01-20T09:48:00.001-05:00

When we try to live beyond our means and keep up with the latest things, we often set ourselves up for disappointment and un-contentment within life. I've witnessed people complain about the things within their lives when they are comparing it to the lives of others. Especially when it comes to relationships. It's not about what we don't have. It's about being grateful for the things we DO have.

We have a tendency to get wrapped up in social media. This is a big source that feeds our discontentment. We sit by day-after-day and watch others share their lives through posts, pictures,

and updates. Most of the time, it's all just a show. No one is really that happy... right? However, that's not always true. True happiness isn't found by sharing what we wish we had or what we want. It's by showing gratitude for what we have. We allow the outlook appearances of others to shave away pieces of our happiness over time.

Let me tell you a story:

Meet Jen. She's a successful woman who has an awesome sense of style. Her hair and makeup are totally on point. She always appears to have her stuff in order. When she shares pictures on her social media through the day, the happiness radiates from her. Her photos show that she spends a lot of time shopping and going out on the weekends. Sounds like a good life... right?

What you don't see is the nights where Jen cries herself to sleep from the lack of that someone special. What you don't see is her overworking herself so she doesn't have the dead silence of the night getting to her. What you don't see is her complete discontent for the lack of people who truly care.

Now I want to introduce Mandy. She's a mother of three and stays at home to take care of the kids. Her husband works odd hours. When she posts on her social media, she shares different accomplishments her children have mastered or the new recipe she found. She's constantly sharing different posts about her husband and her love for Jesus. However, in most of the photos she shares, you see her hair is a mess, she's wearing yesterday's makeup, and she's usually in her comfy clothes that have food stains on them from her two-year-old. Occasionally you'll see her husband post a sweet message to his wife for all that she does for the family and how much he appreciates it.

What you don't see is how overwhelmed Mandy is but loves every minute of it. What you don't see is the family meals at night and thanks being given to the Lord for providing the meal. What you don't see is the hugs and kisses which warm her heart. What you don't see is the love of having a full house and no time for herself.

****

Honestly, we don't need it all. Most times, we need only what the Lord has provided for us. It may seem as if Jen has it all but in reality loneliness is a overbearing part of life. Mandy's life may seem like it's overwhelming and chaotic but it's full of life's biggest blessings. The moral of these stories are for us to stop comparing what we see online and start focusing on what's in front of us. Our blessings come in forms most of us take for granted. Our happiness is a moment to moment choice that we have.

Are you going to chose happiness?

a prayer for those who feels defeated, torn down, or sad

2016-01-13T10:26:00.001-05:00

Life is hard. At times, it can be truly overwhelming and can try to break us down.

We may be but into a position where emotions run while and voices are silent.

Our internal selves are crying, but we remain silent.

Our concerns in life matter to God. We only have to turn them over to Him in prayer and He will take it on. He's here with us, regardless of what's going on.

In Deuteronomy 31:6 (NIV) it says, "Be strong. Be courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."

So, here's my prayer for those who feel defeated, torn down, or sad!

Father God,

Thank you for all that you do. For providing us with all of our needs and for always being there when we need You. You are an amazingly loving and forgiving God. You are great and joyful.

I come to you today to pray for each person who reads this; for each person who feels as if their at the end of their rope. I ask that You extend your grace to them, Father. You promised that you'd be with us and for us to cast all our worries to you, Father. We are here to do just that.

Help each person who feels defeated, torn down, and saddened by the circumstances they are facing. Lift their spirits and calm the soul. Increase their hope in You by performing miracles in their lives and blessing them in ways they need.

Strengthen them and renew their hope. Show them You are there with them and haven't left them.

-In Jesus' Name-

~AMEN~

It Never Hurts to say "Thank You"

2015-11-20T18:54:00.004-05:00

I have heard over and over what people think about me as a stay at home Mom, but one thing I hardly hear is how appreciative those who I care for are for the things that I do. Most of the time, the lack of sleep, showers, and food go unnoticed. Some have this notion that mothers who stay at home with the kids all day are…in a way…either not pulling their weight or just sitting around, doing nothing the entire day. Boy, that is way off!!!

Here is a glimpse of a good day for me...

7:00 AM: My husband tells me it's time to wake up, however after a restless night with the baby I fight to open my eyes. My son still wakes several times a night to nurse and he occasionally tosses around on our bed, which makes it hard for me to sleep.

7:15 AM: My husband tells me he's leaving for work and gives a wake-up call to our nine-year-old daughter before heading out the door.

7:20 AM: I force myself to sit up in bed so I can muster up the energy to grab my overly energized toddler to change his diaper.

7:25 AM: I yell for my daughter to get up once again as I head to the kitchen with my baby on my hip so I can grab a cup of coffee.

7:30 AM: I yell once again for my daughter and quickly grab a drink of my coffee.

7:31 AM: My son starts whining and crying, asking in his baby talk for his juice and breakfast, which I can't give to him right away because his sister won't get out of bed. So, he settles for his Lil' crunchies snacks while I run back to the bedroom and literally pull my daughter out of bed.

7:35 AM: My daughter starts whining about not getting enough sleep, she's tired, and doesn't want to go to school, as she makes her way to the kitchen AFTER being told to get dressed.

7:36 AM: I tell my daughter again to get dressed as I get a quick drink of my coffee and start the task of packing my daughters lunch while stopping to give my son another lil crunchier snack.

7:40 AM: I threaten to ground my daughter if she doesn't head into the bedroom to get dressed while I finish up her lunch and start helping my mom by packing hers. *She works at the school where my daughter attends so she's getting ready too.*

7:45 AM: My daughter managed to go back into the room, sit on the bed, and watch the morning cartoons that are playing on the television. It doesn't matter that she needs to be ready to leave by 8:30 because that is what time her ride pulls in.

7:50 AM: I catch my daughter jumping up off the bed as I open the bedroom door. I yell a bit more for her to get a fire under her butt and get ready. She back talks and whines some more. Once I see her picking out her clothes, I ask her what she would like in her lunch. She's very indecisive, so when I ask I don't get a straight answer. I go back out and pack what I think she wants.

8:00 AM: My daughter comes out of the room and flops down at the table with her phone in her hands. (Knowing she's not supposed to touch it before she's completely ready.) I tell her to put her phone down and she begins to argue with me. I raise my voice, tell her if she doesn't put her phone down she's grounded, and she whines as she turns it off.

8:05 AM: I give my son another one of his snacks and pick up some toys so he can occupy himself while I finish fighting to get my daughter ready for school. Then, I ask my daughter what she wants for breakfast since I already packed her lunch. The indecisiveness continues and I decide for her.

8:10 AM: My daughter nibbles at her breakfast while I'm reminding her of what she still needs to get done while feeding more snacks to my son.

8:15 AM: My daughter has finished her breakfast, puts on her shoes, and goes to brush her teeth. I find new toys for my son to play with while I drink a bit of my cold coffee. While drinking my coffee, I try to plan my day in between the fussiness of my son because he wants another snack.

8:25 AM: My daughter comes out of the bathroom and I quickly fix her hair and tell her to get her bookbag from the room.

8:30 AM: My daughter leaves for school with a messy, quick ponytail and I go to the cupboard to pick out my son's breakfast. *This is usually where my headache kicks in from the lack of sleep and the stressful morning.*

8:45 AM: My son finished his breakfast and I change his diaper. Then, I put him back into the height chair so I can grab a warm cup of coffee and enjoy it this time.

9:00 AM: My son makes it clear that he's ready to lay back down. I grab him up, head back into the bedroom, and nurse him to sleep. During this time, I do my Bible devotions on my phone through the app.

9:30- 11 AM: This block of time is different every day. The very first thing I do once laying my son down is run to the bathroom for the first time that day. Then I grab something to eat. Sometimes I lay back down with my son for a bit. If I don't, then I start working on my to-do list, which could be updating information on one of my blogs, planning and plotting for my book, research for my book, dishes or laundry, or I read. If I do lay down, I don't fall into a deep sleep because I'm afraid that if I do...I won't hear my son cry.

11:00 AM: My son wakes up crying for his mum mum. I stop what I'm doing and get him from his bed. He shows me that he wants to play with me, so we go out to the living room floor and play.

12:00 PM: I take my son to the kitchen for lunch and in a feeble attempt at trying to get some work done, I place my laptop on the table by my son and do some work.

12:30 PM: My son makes it clear that he doesn't want to sit in the kitchen anymore and he wants to play. So, I close up my laptop.

12:31 PM: By this time, I am wishing I could have had the dishes done and laundry started. I take his stuff from lunch, put it by the sink, brush off the crumbs, and we head into the living room.

12:33 PM: Diaper change.

12:35 PM: I THINK about taking a shower at my son's next nap.

12:36- 1:30 PM: My son and I play more in the living room. He's adamant on pulling out every strand of my hair as he pulls my hair, pokes me in the eyes, and laughs about it all. Of course, when I see something cute, I snap a picture.

1:30- 2:00 PM: My son starts to get cranky and tells me he's ready for a nap. We head into the bedroom and I change his diaper. Then, nurse him to sleep. *This is usually his longest nap of the day.*

2:00 PM: I can't make myself get into the shower because I fear my son will wake up and I won't hear him cry. *We don't have a baby monitor system.* So, I decide to throw in a load of laundry and do up the dishes. I clean up the toy mess my son left all over the house, which made it look like a tornado came through.

2:30 PM: I do a bit more work on the laptop.

3:00 PM: My daughter comes through the door from school. I beg her to keep it quiet because her brother is sleeping.

3:30 PM: The baby wakes up and is ready for more food. So, we head to the kitchen and I find him something to eat, feed him, and let him play with his sister.

4:00- 4:30ish PM: I'm wishing for a nap, but my daughter informs me that she's hungry, so I make her something small to eat to hold her over until dinner. *My son decides he needs to eat, too, so I give him a snack.*

5:00 PM: Again...my son decides he's hungry too, so I give him more snacks. *Dinner is prepared by my step-dad or Mom.*

5:30- 6:30 PM: Husband tends to come home around this time. He grabs his plate from the microwave if we've finished dinner or sits with us to eat.

7:00 PM: Start to fight my daughter to gather up her bedtime clothes and get her shower.

7:30 PM: Bath baby and have my daughter take her melatonin because without it, she doesn't sleep well.

8:00 PM: Start the bedtime fight with my daughter, while cleaning up any messes the kids made in the afternoon.

9:00 PM: Nurse my son to sleep once his sister is in bed.

9:30- 10:30 PM: Get ready for bed and lay down to watch television until I am ready for sleep.

11:30-2:00 AM: Sometime in here my son wakes up in his bed, crying to join me and my husband in our bed. I grab him, nurse him, and we fall back to sleep.

** Some nights I'm up every hour or so with my son. Only on a couple occasions has he slept ALMOST all night.**

Remember, this is a good day. I could add in the countless times I have to argue with my daughter about something, or sick days, or errands that need to be done. I'm busy during the day... most of the time I don't have the time or the opportunity to shower (unless I take my son into the bathroom with me) or even eat.

So, the other day when my husband said, "You know I do often overlook how much you actually do for our family. Thank you. I appreciate it." it floored me. In eleven years, he has NEVER thanked me for doing what I do and it meant sooo much to me.

So, if you're a stay at home Mom.... YOU'RE DOING AN AMAZING JOB. KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK. IT IS APPRECIATED!!

If you're the working parent... don't forget to tell your spouse how much you appreciate them and do it often.

Capture Your Grief - Day 17 - Secondary Losses

2015-10-17T16:54:00.001-04:00

‪#‎captureyourgrief‬ ‪#‎whathealsyou‬

I totally agree with today's post when the host mentions that not only do we lose our children, but in the midst of our grief, we tend to lose other things as well. I have noticed quite a bit of stuff that I've lost over the past two years.

To start off with, I lost all sense of security in life. It's hard to describe. We tend to stroll through life thinking that bad things won't happen to us. I lost all of who I was and became someone new. I no longer took life for granted and I became much more grateful for the life I have been given. I tend to love deeper. I don't sweat the small stuff and, I most certainly don't let what I can't control bother me.

I struggle with fear and anxiety more since my loss, which I am working on with my Lord & Savior, Jesus Christ.

There for a while, I lost my desire to take care of myself and I didn't care about what those around me thought. I didn't love myself, so why should anyone else? This way of thinking changed the day I fully started living for Christ.

I lost friends who I cared for.

I lost a husband. Yes, we're still married but I'm no longer married to the man I fell in love with. He has changed, as I have. He doesn't seem to care as deeply as he once did. His life's focus is work and his car. His family strives for his attention, however, he doesn't hear them. His actions cause us pain, and he doesn't seem to mind. The loving, joyful, and caring man I met is gone and was replaced with this guy who buries himself into a hobby so he doesn't have to deal with life.

I lost my joy for a while, but I have found it in other places within life.

Even though I have lost so much, I have gained better as well. (That's for another post.)

Capture Your Grief - Day 16 - Creative Grief

2015-10-16T16:42:00.000-04:00

‪#‎captureyourgrief‬ ‪#‎whathealsyou

There are several things I did for Dakota after I lost her. As I have mentioned before, I wrote about her short, sweet life here on earth and shared it for the world to read. I started a garden, which I had to leave behind when I moved from the house we were living in at the time. I took up taking photo's of nature.

Here are some of the nature photo's I have taken since she passed away:

Capture Your Grief - Day 15 - Wave of Light.

2015-10-15T16:22:00.000-04:00

‪#‎captureyourgrief‬ ‪#‎whathealsyou‬ ‪#‎october15th‬ ‪#‎waveoflight‬

I found out about the meaning behind October 15th shortly after we lost our angel. On October 15th, the world stops for the day and remembers their babies who have been taken too soon. October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness Month and on the 15th of the month, we light a candle at 7 PM and let it burn for an hour in memory of these babies.

For the past two years, I have joined in with the Wave of Light to honor my daughter, Dakota. The images below are her candles burning. It brings my heart joy when I see friends and family join me on this special day!! (Thank you to those who have joined in.)

Wave of Light 2013

Wave of Light 2014