Rainbow In the Storm

New Job

2012-03-13T18:49:00.000-07:00

New job. Sigh. I’m actually enjoying it but between the travel to and from and 8-10 hour shifts and school I’m never home. I miss Kylie. I’m not there for her. I feel stuck. I’m trying to make our life more comfortable. Make it so we aren’t always stuck asking for money or deciding which bill not to pay. I think this is what is best for our family. Then I pick her up and she comes running for me. I’ve had my mom, who has been watching her, tell me that after I leave she points at the door saying “mama” or she will do it when she wakes up from her nap. Does she really understand that I am gone? I know she doesn’t understand the reasoning and that I am trying to do what is best. Does she understand missing someone? I feel that my heart breaks, like it is now. I am suppose to be writing a paper for class but I can’t. I just want to go home. I want to see my baby girl of course I also want her to go to bed on time (which would be as soon as we got home- around 10) because I have to wake up around 4am. I feel so lost between being there for her and supporting and providing for her. I just don’t want to grow up watching us struggle nor do I want her to grow up feeling abandoned. I just feel so torn.

Maybe you should think before you speak...

2011-12-22T20:07:00.000-08:00

I think about this lady from time to time. Something about her response to my attitude bothers me no matter how much I try and forget it.

Gary and I had wanted a picture frame urn but they were either too small (they only used a pinch of ash to put in) or too big :(. So my aunt had given us the idea of putting Kamryn's urn in a picture box. We had finally found one at Hobby Lobby. it was a box to put 5 pictures on the outside and held 5 photo albums on the inside (In the end we had the 5 pictures of Kamryn on the outside an two of the photo albums filled inside along with Kamryn's small pink box urn). When we, My aunt, mom, sister, and me, went to check out the lady was making small talk. Talking about how she had to go pick up her kids once she got off in a little and blah, blah,blah. Then she looked at me and said "Don't look so down. You look as if your world is ending." I just gave her a look with a the fakest smile I could plant on my face and she went to finishing up our transaction. OH how much there was I wanted to say to this lady. My daughter had died a couple days earlier and I had her funeral the next day. I so wanted to tell her this. Wanted to ask her how I should look with this now being my life. How would she look if she was planning her child's funeral instead of hoping that she gets off in time to pick them up from school. I truthfully want to go back to this lady and tell her off. But I don't remember her name nor what she looked like to be honest I don't remember very much of anything from that time in my life and talking to strangers was not something I was in the mood to do.

As random as this post may seem her comment even two years later will randomly just rub me the wrong way and tonight is just one of those night. Lucky, I haven't had to deal with many heartless comments --as I know that many other BLM have. I know that she probably had no idea that something so tragic has happened. But maybe some people just need to think before they speak

PISSED

2011-11-11T13:04:00.000-08:00

On Thursdays I go into work at 4 so my sister, who lives with my mom, watches Kylie til my mom gets home and takes over. When I dropped Kylie off my sister, E, had been asleep. I just assumed that she had been taking a nap. While I was at work my mom had texted me saying that E was asleep when she got home and Kylie was waking up. Now I don't know whether Ky woke up as my mom was coming in or had been up for a little. I had responded back that with E's recent actions that I was getting to the point of not being comfortable with E watching Ky by herself. My mom brought Ky up to my work around 8 and I got to spend time with them. Around 930 E finally woke up and met us up there. E helped me close down the store (she works there too).
Here is the conversation as we were leaving work:
E: I'm gunna go get fucked up.
Me: umm, okay.
E: Yeah I already took a bar today. That's why I was passed out.
Me: Why you were watching me daughter?!? E, I'm getting to the point were I don't want you to be
watching Kylie by yourself.
E: Fine. I won't watch her anymore.Me: So glad being fucked up is so important to you.

I go to get Ky and my mom asked were E is so I said she went to go hang out. Im so mad at this point. All I could think about was all the things that could have gone wrong. "E, is never watching Kylie again." After my mom kept questioning me to why. I finally told her. My mom was already mad because she didn't kow that E was going out and my mom ask her just to let her know so that she can know that everything is right. Once E got home they had this whole discussion. My mom told her that she needs to straighten up her act. {E has been going off the wire. She is drunk or on "bars"(xannax) or "tabs"(loratabs) all the time. She drives around messed up, by the way she doesnt have a driver's license, insurance, or the car that she bought months ago registered in her name.} So my mom told her to straighten up or to get out of her house. She made the choice to leave.

As hateful as it sounds I could care less where she is or what she is doing she was texting me last night. I guess I messed up her life and how this is how she is. I didn't care how she is. I've been done the "crazy" road. I got to rock bottom and cleaned my life up. I know what she was doing and thought that it was stupid but whatever I never told her how to live her life. I just thought that she would be able to be responsible when taking care of my daughter. Guess I've lost my sister. My daughter's life is too important to worry about hurting her feelings...

Second Chances

2011-10-31T22:41:00.000-07:00

I saw this and had to write a blog. I know I've talked about this before but it has come to my mind so often. Kylie wouldn't be here if Kamryn still was, in all honesty. As hard as it is to think about it is the truth. I would have gotten an IUD at 6 weeks PP instead of counting down the days till my depo was going to wear of so I could jump head first into TTC.

So was Kylie my second chance? In a way, I believe. My second chance to show me that miracle of life. I don't know if I would be in this happy spot if things hadn't unfolded in this way. Okay, Okay, I know that sounds so wrong! Im not saying that this is the option that I would have chosen cause trust me I DO NOT WANT THIS! I would not want Kamryn to be dead. I would not even want Kylie to have to grow up with this.

But Kamryn's life changed me. It turned me into the person that I am today. The person I was before I got pregnant with Kamryn was very unsteady. I have learned the value of a life. Yes, it took a horrible, horrible, horrible event to make me learn how fragile life can be. I was that niave person who didn't believe that this could happen to me. Twelve babies in the US die from SIDS a day. Twelve. How could I be one of those 12? Kamryn was only two days old. This is an unheard of young age for SIDS.

So yes, Kylie has become my second chance. Kamryn taught me so much so that I could become the best mother that I could be. I truthfully do not think that things would have turned out this well with kamryn. Im not saying that I would have been a horrible mother and neglected her. I would have always been there for her. I just dont know how to explain this really...So I am sure that I sound like a horrible person now

As the Time Gets Closer

2011-10-21T20:01:00.000-07:00

I just feel so heart broken today. The days are quickly approaching til Kamryn's second birthday and angelversary. I do not want this. I want to be planning a second birthday party for an energetic little girl. I want to be preparing for, and most likely already dealing with, the "terrible twos". I don't want to be going through my amazon history to find the same seller that I ordered the sky lanterns from last year. I want Kylie to know about her sister more than anything. Yet, I don't want her to have to deal with this. The sadness that will come with this isn't fair for her to grow up with. Nor will I be able to deal with the heartache (if it happens) that she doesn't want to do this anymore and can voice it or when she is too embarrassed to talk about Kamryn. I can hope all I want that she won't ever do that but in reality I know that there is a good chance it will happen.

While I was out today there were too many temp-tags & failed emissions tags with the 11/16/11 and one truck in the Walgreen's parking lot with 11/16/09 written boldly on the back. These have hurt the heartache. I had watch the dates on the calender pass knowing that there was less then a month till her birthday. But did the dates really have to be every where today??

I try to live my life as normally as possible from the outside. But there are moments, some whole days- like today- and some random times when it just hits me, that I want to scream. I want to break down and scream "I want my daughter back!!" ...Just pretend to be "normal" because my heart has been so tore apart that I will never be.

Drying my tears as I must go chase down Kylie. She now finds everything that she is not suppose to. :p

Happy.

2011-10-12T22:08:00.000-07:00

I love how happy Kylie is all the time. I wish that I could be that happy.

Everything has fallen apart in this house. Is it the house? Gary and I were never like this before. Yes we have been here two years. So maybe the stress of two years of our relationship, plus loosing Kamryn, plus having Kylie, plus bills, jobs and school has done it too us. . . But something just doesnt seem right here. People we have know that used to live here before had bad relationship problem. Two couples we have kept in contact with after they moved have gotten better. The lady who lived in this house before us had problems-- our door has dents from where her bf beat the door with the baseball bat. There was even a lady a bout a year ago who killed herself. Could it be this townhouse? the building? Gary looked it up earlier today and found stories where events that happened in the past could affect people. I guess it is all what you believe in.

What is there to do? Can't move out have a lease til October '12. Too expensive to break a lease and even move out. And could moving actually solve the problems between us.

In that Room--was it because of Me?

2011-10-04T21:20:00.000-07:00

Last Wednesday I went to my OB/GYN for my annual (even though once I got there they said that things have changed and yhou no longer need an annual only a check up ever two years, so a bi-annual[?]. Anyways this is besides the point...). Besides the abbundance of pregnant women and newborn who made my baby fever roar. I so want to be pregnant. I miss it so bad. Although I know that there is no way that I would be able to handle it. I can't handle everything as they are now. I feel overwhelmed every single day. I feel like a failure.

They finally call me back. I get in the room an reconize it right away. There is something about this room that makes it unforgetable. It is extremely small compared to all the other [million] rooms and seems dark. I remember thinking the same thing the first time I walked into this room. Ugh, the first time I was in this room.... The first time that I walked in this room was the last appointment that I had with Kamryn. The day my blood pressure decided to go too high. The day I was showing that my cervix was making progress. The day I decided that it was time to bring this baby girl into the world. Friday, November 13, 2009.

I sat in this room. Alone. I thought I would be fine but of course I got to thinking. Did I make the wrong choice that day? I sat there would my daughter have done better if I had told them that I didn't want to be induced? My elevated blood pressure wasnt effecting her. What if I had just waited the weekend out? What if I had waited for her to come naturally? Did I make the right decision? Would my daughter have passed on the 16th no matter whether she was in my womb or on the outside? Maybe I made a choice to be able have the my baby in my arms for 2 days compared to none at all. Maybe my daughter would still be here if I hadnt made that choice. Was I too impatient?

I knew that all the questions I sat asking ment nothing. No matter the million ways that I could have changed that day. None of them could bring my daughter back. NOTHING ever will. My life will always be filled with what-ifs, questioning my desicions, and pondering what a life with an almost two year old would be like......What-if? Where now? Was it me?

But even questions with no answers or no reason or no meaning made my eyes well with tears. I had thought about asking for a different room. Maybe then I wouldnt sit there and tourture my self. I didnt. I knew that they probably wouldnt undersstand. Mainly, though, I didnt want to sit there and have to explain the whole story. It is sad enough that I have a note on my paper under births after Kamryn's birth date and information "Infant passed from SIDS at 2 days old". I hate the looks that I get from the nurses who ask question as they are reading the paper or the ones who just skip over questions so they dont have to deal with it or the ones who can only wisper "Im so sorry. " I know that eople say they are sorry when they are sorry for what happened or, most times, dont know what else to say. But why be sorry. Although, at times, I want to put the blame on someone it wasnt you.

Hurry Up

2011-08-11T12:02:00.000-07:00

I just need the 17th to hurry up. I wish that I hadnt waited so long to make the appointment. Wish that Vanderbilt wasnt so busy that they took a 5 weeks to get me in. This PPD is making me feel crazy. I am so tired even though I have a womderful baby who STTN ( for 12-13 hours), Im overwhelmed by everything even litte thing such as cleening the house, Ive get anxiety over everything even when it just came to going to school. Yeah everything is bad. Im failing classes, the house is falling apart, Gary and I argue all the time. I just want things to get better. I just want them to go back to the way they were. I knew that I was at a high risk for this with loosing Kamryn and a previous history of depression. I ever expected it to be like this to contiously get worse. So now just have to make it a few more days. I dont know what they are going to tell me when I go to the visit. The guy is a psychiatrist but also an OB/GYN I figured this would be the best person to see. But then I worry because what if he wants me to come meet with him every week? My TennCare is about to run up. I do have BCBS but the co-pay of 30$ plus the gas to get there and back, it would cost me about $45 a week. YES I would truthfully pay anything to not feel like this, i truly would, but we just dont have the money nor can I be missing work every week so Id be loosing 2-3x as much money by going.... What is there to do? Do I feel crazy and pay bills or feel normal and be even shorter in money then normal? Plus the school is suggesting I take a LOA. That would be great as I am faiing all of my classes and alread unsuccessful in 2 out of 3. But I need a doctor's note to do that... What do I do? Just ask the guy for one? What if he doesnt think that I need the time away? This could send my loans into default or could cause the company to pull them.....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Alright I'm done.

SN: Incase you haven't noticed I do not proofread my blogs. I will occasionally spellcheck them but even that is not a gaurentee for every blog. So I know that my grammar and spelling and structure and everything is not the best (probably horrible at time), but hopefully it is still readable and makes so sort of sense.

Everything was Her's

2011-08-09T21:52:00.000-07:00

I was putting away clothes in Kylie's room and layed her down in the crib, so that she could just play and talk to me. I loved how she loves the damask pattern of her crib set. Loves how she is just so entertained and will just stare and smile at it. It didn't take long, of course, to get to thinking. This seems to be one of the only things in the room that is actually hers.

The crib was bought for Kamryn. I remember going to Target late at night with Gary and buying it on a whim. I remember how we had to drive 20 minutes home with our flashers on because the box didn't fit in our truck and they had no rope. How we took the time the next morning to put the thing together in our living room even though we knew that we were moving in soon.

The walls were painted for her. I remember I had her crib sheets picked out. But yet wasn't fully decided. Not long after we moved in we walked in to Home Depot, again late at night, and I picked out the paint color. I remember painting the walls. They were the perfect color of green for my baby girl. Even if the sheets never got ordered because they were going to be after my doctor's appointment, which turned into my induction.

So many of the clothes in the drawers and closet were hers. And if you go into the dresser, in the drawer with the onesies, there is an orange one. An orange one with a firefly on it. It was the first piece of clothing that Gary had let me buy for Kamryn. We had stopped in Wal-mart before one doctor's appointment and, of course, I had to stop at the baby department. We didn't even know the sex of her yet. I was 14 weeks pregnant. I was so into buying clothes for this unexpected suprise. And now I wonder what was the point in taking the extra time that day?

The curtains were hers. All the little details picked out for her.

Even the ribbon that was hanging the "K"--"Y"--"L"--"I"--"E"on the wall was from the letters that were suppose to hang up KAMRYN's name.

And the baskets that now hold some of Kylie's things were basket that held flower's at Kamryn's funeral. How depressing.

I remember sitting on the floor with Gary going through everything. Before we went to the doctor's appointment. How we were going to come back and finish the nursery. How we were going to come back and clean. How we were going to come back the same as we left.

Nope the next time I walked in to the nursery I was holding my baby girl. We were showing it to a friend that had stopped by. She was in the room for maybe 5 minutes at most. All the time and energy...

I was never the same person I was after I left the nursery to head to a doctor's appointment on November 13, 2009. That pregnant lady.

I was never the same person I was when I walked out of the room the time after that on November 15,2009. The proud mother holding my first daughter.

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I stood there watching her sleep. Watching her clutching onto her sisters giraffe . Just watched her knowing I should save these tears for another day... Just watched.

Oh how this room had changed.

Oh how everything had changed.

Why...

2011-07-17T19:38:00.000-07:00

I look at these pictures I have of Kamryn. Everyone looks so happy with her. I was lovingso much the direction in which my life was going. Why did no one tel me that this could happen. I mean I guess they do. But they tell you in a way of like "this could, but really doesn't, happen." I just want prepared. I wish I had been able to brace myself--if that even possible?? I feel, at times, I am always waiting for something to happen to Kylie. I think that I have finally gotten over my fear and then it gets worse. I'm either took scared to check on her while shes sleeping or I'm checking on her took much to the point she wakes up. I have a feeling I will be like this til the day she leaves the house.
If no one is going to tell me that it is going to happen and when, Ill just spend everyday preparing for it. Maybe I'll get lucky and never have to deal with it again.

More random rambles by me:

18 Months

2011-05-16T13:56:00.000-07:00

So Im sitting here on FB with Kylie asleep in my arms and my brain just starts to wonder: Kylie will be two months old tomorrow which means that today is the 16th. Kamryn has now been gone for 18 months. I can't believe it. I can't believe that I should have an 18 month (and 2 day) old running around the house.

And I get to the point that I still can't believe that she is gone.

Im so afraid that as Kylie gets bigger that I will forget Kamryn. Not necessarily forget about her but forget how she looked, how she felt, how I felt with her.

Am I wrong? I want her back so bad but if she had never died we wouldn't have tried for Kylie. Instead of continuing down the days till the depo from the hospital was suppose to wear off I would have gotten an IUD. Instead of waking up every morning to take and tack my temperature I would have been waking up to feed my baby. So I would do anything to have Kamryn back but wouldn't give Kylie up for anything. Guess its just a contradiction..........

SN: I really need to update and keep up to date on this blog better, as I am no longer pregnant-obviously

SN2: Gary had wanted a picture with both his girls

Borrowed Time

2011-04-04T21:11:00.000-07:00

So I sit here with this baby girl in my arms and I am so in love with her. But there are times I will just sit, hold her and cry. I have a fear that she will go away too. I have gottenpast her being two days old and our first night home from the hospital but the fear is still not gone. There is a fear that my nightmare could happen again, this fear that it will happen, this fear that because she has been around longer then Kamryn that i am ust tip-toeing on borrowed time. I just want to know that i will be able to watch her grow, to know that it is okay to have hopes and dreams for, to just know that everything will be okay.

Kylie Marie Suttell

2011-03-17T06:00:00.000-07:00

On March 16 I was induced due to pre-escambia. It was a mild case but being that with my last pregnancy I had pregnancy induced hypertension they didn't want to take the chance of allowing my blood pressure to stay high and the chance of it getting even higher. They wanted me to be on magnesium so that I would not sieze incase my blood pressure got higher.

So on March 17, 2011 at 6:00 am Kylie Marie Suttell was born.
She weighed 8 lbs 3.5oz and was 20 inches long

2011-02-10T15:00:00.001-08:00

Just Rambles from Another Day

2011-01-07T17:21:00.000-08:00

I open up blogger all the time along with facebook and babycenter, they are all normally open in there own special tab. I read other people's blogs which takes me to another and another. I think all the times of things that I should write and could write and then I don't. I could stare at the blank screen and type nothing- even with a million thoughts running through my head. I'm exhausted and wind up getting distracted by the other tabs in which are so mindless-usually. And today is nothing special I sit here except just rambling on the screen. I should be cleaning. I should have cleaned. I was suppose to work last week on the nursery with my mom and sister but the house has to be cleaned first and it never got done. Now we are suppose to do it next weekend and I am still not cleaning. I know I should have today as it was my day off but I will probably wait till the day they come and rush around for two hours knowing they could be here any minute. I want the nursery done, I'm even the one that mentions doing it. I want it done, it never got finished for Kamryn and I need to have it done this time. But in finish the nursery, still half done-the way we left it when we went to the doctor's November 13, 2009 plus the few baby things that were around the house that got placed in there, means I have to go through Kamryn's things. I'll have to decide what we will keep in there, what we will keep as Kamryn's, and what will get rid off. And this has lead me not to clean. Besides being physically tired this thought of going through the nursery makes me even more mentally tired. How the hell do I go through her things? How do I decide what to how to give away things that were suppose to be her's, even if it is just to Kylie? I just dont know. So my house sits a mess, because that just means I can put the nursery off that much longer.

But if I want it done before Kylie gets home I better get started on it soon. She flipped at 21 weeks, dropped last week, and yesterday was measuring two weeks ahead- I don't think she has intentions of staying in there till her due date. Which I am fine with-as long as she stays in there for a few more weeks and is healthy and I can take her home on time. I know my anxiety will kick into full force once she is born. I'm know I won't sleep for months and don't even know how I will go to work when it comes time. I can feel myself starting to panic just thinking of it. I was in the same house whe we lost Kamryn how, just how, will I be 15 minutes away from her?
SIGHHHHHHHH...........

2010-12-04T00:25:00.000-08:00

I haven't written in a while. I think about writing but I just don't get around to it. My mind floods all day with the things that I should write on here but that I don't. I am slowly getting my November 16, 09 post done but it has taken me a while and will probably still have a while left till it is completely finished and posted. My heart aches, I DO NOT want to relieve that day!! I get stuck with the images of me holding her in my arms at the hospital that morning. I am afraid that I am going to get stuck with those images, that they will erase all the happy one. That day is so vivid, not so much the time because I couldn't tell you if I had been in the hospital for 2 hours or 12. I just remember how cold she was and that I left here alone in the cold hospital room and I left. What was there for me to do???

And now it is becoming the holidays, with dreams of how things should have been and nightmares of how its not.Its not as difficult as last year as now I have made it past all her first. But her Christmas presents are still in the Old Navy bag, well some at least (the rest have gone to Kylie). I had finally gone through Kamryn's closet after a year. Yes, things literally sat in that closet the same from between 13-15 months. But I couldn't bare trying to put everything away and so it sat. The nursery and her closet just frozen in time. The only things that could remain the same. We actually still have her little ink bathrobe hanging on the back of the bathroom door, still with its tags on, still waiting for a little girl to go and take their first bath. I often regret not having given her a bath that first night home. Why did I not skip my shower and instead given her a bath? I would have a least been able to have that memory and those pictures and at least that first... But I was tired and it was late, how silly the excuses seem now......

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So I went the Wednesday before Thanksgiving for a prenatal appointment. Everything is still going good, except my blood pressure is still high "/ . Of course nothing was done because the lady doesn't know how to manually take bp! Its normally done electronically and when they did it that way bp was 145/92. Well when she went to go take it manually, only 7 mins later, she put the cuff on very loosely and it covered my whole elbow, sigh, so it said my bp was only 128/70 (my bottom number has never been that low). Even Gary, who has never taken a blood pressure in his life could tell she didn't do it right. The DR told ,me to call if it got that high again and if the headaches came back, but luckily the headaches haven't so I haven't been relgiously checking my bp.

Kylie is so active, especially compared to Kamryn. I get another ultra sound on the 8th :) . With the way the prenatals and the ultrasounds are set up I get to go in every other week. Hopefully that will ease my worry a little. The monthly ultrasounds are because they "like to keep an extra eye on things when something unexplained has happened before". That just makes me feel great "/

**Sorry if this doesn't make much sense its 2:30 in the morning.

Monday, November 16, 2009

2010-11-16T23:57:00.000-08:00

A year ago today...

I was woken up about 2am my dog began crying at me and then just came and snuggled up next to me, they say animals can sense things- but who knows. I rolled over and fell back asleep. I knew Kamryn was down stairs with Gary but didn't really give it a thought I still was not used to the idea that she was home. I woke up at 6:03 I was tired and almost decided to go back to bed but wanted to just hold my baby girl and headed down stairs. As I headed down the stairs I saw Gary asleep on the couch and Kamryn laying on the floor. I got mad, 'why would he put her to sleep on the floor, the bouncer was right next to him? But she was just laying there on her back her hans by her head as she always had them. I walked towards her. I don't know when I realized that something was wrong, but I was sitting there on the ground next to her and shacking/rocking her ( the type you do when trying to wake someone up- not shaking shaking) whith two figures. I had remember reading on the November 09 birthboard someone saying that newborns have weird breathing patterns, that was all this was (right ?). I woke Gary up- he told me I was screaming at him I only remember saying for him to wake up because she wasn't breathing. She was kind of cool but of course she had been sleeping on the ground, it was the middle of November, there was a draft (right?). Gary took her up stairs and started cpr. I just stood there crying. He told me to call 911, I kept saying I couldn't- 911 is for when things are wrong there wasnt anything wrong there couldn't be. I called them and now know why they drill this number and your address into your head when you are little- I could not remember my address and when I did I had forgot the number on the townhouse. I handed the phone to Gary as they were just telling me steps to cpr. I remember hearing her make weasing sound; it sounded like she was trying to breath. It had only been a few minutes from the time I had headed downstairs but t seemed to be hours. The police arrived first followed by EMT and fire, it had only taken them two minutes to get them and the continued cpr. The police told us to grab shoes and he would take us to the hospital. We were getting into the cop car as the wereloading her into the ambulance and I heard a baby crying. I thought that ment that everything would be okay. We got to the hospitaland were taken to a room. The room that they sit you in when you are crying hysterically and they dont want you to disrupte everythig else that has taken place. The room that has nothing but some chairs, two tables, bibles, and boxes of tissues. My mom arrived- I had called her at some point I'm not exactly sure when. And then Gary's dad and step mom came- I have no idea who or when they got called. We all sat in the room. Someone came into talk to us at some point. The finally the doctor came in. I have no idea how long we had been in the room wiether it was minutes or hours or weeks I couldnt tell you. The doctor came in and intruduced herself, she was the lead of pediatrics at the hospital( like I could really care about who she was) and another doctor who had been assisting her. Then I got the worst news of my life.

They had tried everything they could do and she had no reaction.

Nothing they could do could save my baby girl, she was gone. I went to the room to hold her. She has a breathing tube down her throat. She was warm from being under the heating lamps. But even that didnt last too long. The longer I held her the colded she got even being wrapped in four recieving blankets I could feel the cold seeping through, a coldness I will never forget. The tip of her nose looked at is it was bruised and the drop of blood which had rolled from her nose down her cheeck had been cleaned off. The automatic rocking/bouncing that you have when holding a baby cause blood to start comng up the breathing tubes. The chaplin they had at the hospital came and baptized her. The EMT came and got everyone but me and Gary out of the room to explain that it was most likely SIDS and about it. We just sat there and held her and cryed. My mom came inand the EMT snuck us scissors so that we could get a lock of her hair, supposidly this is not allowed, and to tell us that they think we need to start saying out good byes. Some how we did laid her in the bassinet, or whatever it is called, and walked out of the room. I walked out of the room and left my daughter. While we were at the hospital the investigator searched our house. And when we left we had to go talk to him. They seperated us and got each of our stories of what had happend the day and night before and that morning. Our stories matched exceot for the times. I was more in love with my babygirl and taking care of her then I was about what time it was. But we were both cleared of it being any foul play.

The rest of the day seem a blur and I remember so little.

We left the station and everyone went out to eat. The were callin funeral homes and family to figure everything out. At some point we went home and people came over because Gary didnt want to be alone in the house. I wanted nothing more then to lay in bed with him but I didnt want to ague and so we had company. At some point everyone left and were able to start making funeral plans for us. . . Then my memory of this day just goes away and I am left blank and haunted by the images I have of her in the hospital, that cannot be my baby girl.

** I didnt edit or reread this so hopefully it is not too bad.

Sunday, November 15th, 2009

2010-11-15T22:56:00.000-08:00

A year ago today...
The pediatrician and some other doctors came in to talk to me. They were telling me how well Kamryn was doing. They gave me the choice of leaving that night, the next morning or staying the full time and being discharges the following evening. All I wanted to do was to be at home with Gary an my baby girl and have our little family together. I have now believed this to be my biggest regret of my life!! It always causes me to wonder and question my judgement. We got all our things together, put Kamryn in her take home outfit and just hung out the rest of the day. The lady came in and took Kamryns hospital photo, she was amazing with it! Kamryn looks so peaceful in it when in reality she was well being a newborn, fussing and moving everywhere. The came in and got all my discharge paperwork done told me everything I should and shouldn't do and gave me my depo shot (another regret of the day). We had a few people come and visit us nothing too exciting. Then we headed home. We stop at some of Gary's family's house to show off Kamryn but everyone was telling us how we shouldn't have the baby out and should just be home. I wanted so bad to show my baby off but we just listened to everyone and went home (another regret,sigh). We got home and were amazed at how calm our 70lb-1 year old-hyperactive-puppy was with her. he stayed just far enough back from her and just watched her where ever we took her. I took a shower. Gary finally convinced me to get some sleep and he would take her downstairs so that I wouldn't be distracted and actually could. After lying in bed for several and convincing myself that I should go to sleep (I hadn't slept in three days) instead of going downstairs with them (regret again) I went to sleep (regret).

Your First Birthday

2010-11-14T22:37:00.000-08:00

11/14/2010

My Angel Kamryn,
           Today is your first birthday! But instead of filling out gift tags and birthday cards and writing you a letter to give you when you are 18 I am writing to you here. I had so many plans and dreams for you, ones that I will never know if you will fulfill or if you will set your own. I know I would have been proud of you in anything you did. I am still so proud of you. You have done so much, even if you were not with us very long. You touched so many peoples lives and changed mine so much! I have completely changed from who I was before I was pregnant with you, I don't do any of the 'things' that I used to and even finally went back to school like I had talked about after you were born. I cant believe that I would have changed so much so quickly but it was all because of you.

      You will be a big sister soon, I know you have been a wonderful one! But it was because of the joy that you brought me in daddy that we had the strength to try again. And I'm sure that you would like to meet her and play with her but can you please come down and do it. I would prefer her not to go up and live with you for about 90 more years, I just cant do it again baby girl.

       Me, daddy, gramma, Aunt Liz and Uncle Will set sky lanterns off for you tonight. They were so beautiful and peaceful! I hope you could see them from heaven :)

       I hope you are having a wonderful first birthday up there, which I'm sure you are. And I know that they say you are in a better place but it has become so hard to believe. I think that you should be here with me, I think that is the best place for you. And I know that it is selfish, but I wanted to plan you first birthday, I wanted to see your first steps (as you would now be walking-probably wobbly-around her), I wanted to be able to hear your laugh and see your smile, I wanted to be able to worry about every little thing you, but I just never got the chance...

I Love You Baby Girl!!
<3 Mommy

Saturday, November 14, 2009 *editted 11/18

2010-11-14T10:30:00.000-08:00

One year ago today....

At exactly a year ago to the minute I was pushing. I had begun pushing a couple mintues before actually.

At about 9 in the morning I had given up on the whole natural thing and got an epidural ( whatever they put in the IV before I got it is probably the best stuff ever). I went to sleep nad next thing I knew the nurse was waking me up and I was ready to push. All the doctors came in and after 15 mins of pushing my babygirl was born! I cried as they layed her on my chest, al of the sudden my life was complete!

She was born at 12:22pm
Weighed 8lbs 5oz
Was 19 3/4in
Apgar scores of 8 and 9

She was testing perfecct for everything!

I just couldn't believe how much in love with her I was....

*They took her to the nursery and Gary went with her. They brought me food to eat and wheeled me down to my room. I dont remember times too well, but at some point they brought her back to me and would come and check on me, Kamryn, and my pee "/. My mom had left for the night and my friend Amanda came to visit. When she got there Gary took her out to the hall and talked for a while. She came back in the room herself and told me that gary had to run back home for a little but he would be back. She watched Kamryn for me while I went to take a shower, and lucky for her during this time got to change Kamryn's first poop :).

At some point I during the night I found out that Gary had left to go talk to his boss. He got informed when he called out for that night that he had been fired- not for calling out but for eatting a chicken nugget! For some reason, I was very calm about this whole situation. I was mad at his boss and the reason he was being fired but I wasnt worried about him not having a job. Even though I would be on leave for 6 weeks with no income and he had been making all the money to cover the bills and mine was just the "play money" it would barley touch anything. But this little girl that I was holding in my arms was all that I was concerned with.

Gary finally got back and Amanda left. We aate and just spent time hold and watching our baby. He fell asleep on the chair that night as I held Kamryn on my chest. But could not fully fall asleep with her there and anytime I layed her down she would start crying, plus, the nurses coming in to check on me every 3 hours did not help. But the night seemed to go by quickly just watching my baby girl sleep.

Friday November 13th, 2009

2010-11-13T23:31:00.000-08:00

One year ago......

I was 39 weeks 5 days pregnant...

I was working on the nursery with Gary killing time before my prenantal appointment. I was hoping they would set up an indunction date, maybe for that Monday, if I went over my 40 weeks. We were suppose to finish the nursery, clean the house, and order the crib bedding when we got home from the doctors.

Well I went there and my blood pressure was 196/??. They took it like 5 time I swear and decided that I needed to head home, grab my bag (which I was planning to pack when I got home from the doctors), and head back to the hospital. They were inducing me for hypertension and signs of pre-e, which I turned out not to have. I was so happy I was finally going to meet my baby girl. While waiting for them to process my paper work and get my room set up me and my mom walked down to the gift shop to look around. She bought me a litte angel with pink baby blocks that spelt out BABY- she said it was "an angel, for my little angel". Oh, the irony of it now.The induction was painful from the start between the folly bulb (?), and stalling at 4cm and then having my water broken. But I swore I was going to go through this naturally, at least I was going to try. As the night dragged on my sister slept on a chair, and Gary and my brother were asleep on the ground. And my mom stayed up the whole night with me. I swore if one more person had told me I should try and get some rest I might have smacked them, there was nothing more I wished I could do then sleep through this pain and make the time go by quicker. It just kept dragging on and on though.....

Prenantal Visit.....

2010-11-04T18:02:00.000-07:00

I had a prenatal visit Thursday, as soon as they walked me in to the room I recognized it. Out of the millions of rooms they have this one just seems to be smaller and darker then the rest. It was the last room I went into when I was pregnant with Kamryn. It was there they told me that Ifound out my blood pressure had shot through the roof ( it was 162/?? and it was normally 115/80). It was in that room that they told me that I was going to be induced (for hypertension & signs of pre-e), I was already 39weeks and 5 days and so ready to meet my baby girl- how did I know that it would turn into a nightmare, this nightmare that I am still living.

Well again last Thursday, in this same little dark room, I got told my blood pressure- well my Diastolic (bottom number) was elevated and they would have to watch it. I was only 18w5d no chance that they can just send me down the street and I can deliver my baby, not anytime soon......

The next morning we left down to FL, I had a headache but I'm pregnant,of course that's normal. The headache- almost a week later- is still here. It will get worse, into a terrible migraine and then after hours or a day or two will return to a headache. I have been going to wal-mart or publix and using there little bp machines ( since my dog popped a hole in my cuff- some how). its been averaging high 145/86... today was 140/91 ( not sure if that's really any better). Plus, my vision has been hard for me to focus the last couple days....I know I need to call the doctor but I don't want to find out that anything is going wrong. I'm worried that I am bring all this on myself, as though I am just waiting and expecting something to go wrong this time.

My anxiety is getting worse and worse as the weeks go by. I feel myself trying to prepare for anything but as soon as I feel her move or she gets hiccups my heart melts. I know that I cannot prepare myself to loss her. I cant even wrap my mind around the idea, the idea that I know all too well can happen again.

I have a meeting with Maternal and Fetal Medicine on Monday to see if they want to see me, based on me losing Kamryn. I don't know how it will help, maybe just for my peace of mind? I guess I will just have to talk with her Monday and see what she says or wants to do. I know that Kylie will be sent home with an apnea monitor (if I want) and may be held a couple extra days in the hospital. All these things make me wonder if they don't believe it was just SIDS.

SN: I have all my 365 Project pictures just waiting to be uploaded. Guess I should get a move on it....

I just don't have energy for anything anymore.

Little Pink TuTu

2010-10-19T15:57:00.000-07:00

The other day me and Gary were in Carters getting a take home outfit for Kylie ( I know I'm not even 17 weeks but I'm trying to be completely naive about this pregnancy even with all the horrible things that could happen running in the back of my mind). We were standing in the line and behind us this little girl was unsteadily walking around in a pink tutu that the mom had tried on her. I over heard the mom talking to the lady in line behind us about how her daughter was about to be one and her birthday party was in 2 weeks. I just froze and my eyes welled up with tears. This whole time I was trying to push out on my mind that Kamryn would have been close to this girls age but there it was she was only about 2 weeks older then Kamryn should have been- not to mention her blue eyes and hair being almost the same as Kamryn's. I swallowed the lump in my throat and bared standing in line without making a scene. well almost till we went to lunch, Gary mentioned something about there were baby's everywhere and something got brought up (don't remember by who or for what) about the little girl in the pink tutu in Carter's. And yes, I lost it in the middle of the restaurant with every word that I or Gary said. He was saying that "that baby was so big" (yes, we would have a big baby) " that she was walking" ( yes, our baby would be walking too, or trying to, or would start pretty soon) and so on..... The waitress finally came back after I had stop crying, I know she was trying to be nice with the comments she made but I wish people would just keep their comments to there self! No, truthfully I don't feel better nor will I ever. I just want my daughter back! I want to be planning her 1st birthday! And her comment just made me feel worse about crying I was sure she had noticed it and half the restaurant, but I didn't really want it pointed out!

Sighhh... I just find the days till Kamryn's birthday getting harder. I will be in random places, the car, the house the store, in class, anywhere and my eyes just well up with tears. If I'm by myself I will just let myself break down other wise I try to hold it in. I'm sure that people think that I am crazy with there strange looks they give me. But oh well..........

SN: I will catch up on my pictures and everything tonight. I am so bad at this but I become anti-social from everything when pregnant and just want to stay by myself with my thoughts. With Kamryn it was daydreams of her, now I try not to day dream about Kylie ( I don't want to get too hurt) just sit there with my thoughts about who knows.

October 15th

2010-10-15T22:34:00.000-07:00

DAY 8

of 365 Project
10/15/10

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day. The picture above is from the walk that I went on tonight. I am sitting listening to Streets of Heaven (by Sherrie Austin) on repeat. Its been a hard day. The crying has tired me out. I'm going to put Kamryn's Playlist on on my phone and read some more in I Will Carry You and head to bed. I'm sure the night will be filled with plenty more tears.

Flashing Lights

2010-10-15T21:31:00.000-07:00

My camera is dead, so pictures will be left blank till I get new batteries or find the charger for my other one.

Day 3
of 365 Project

10/10/10

I got this elephant right after I found out that I was having a girl. I was at a yard sale which was mainly selling baby girls clothes and had found a few bag full of clothes. As I was paying for the clothes, talking with the guy about the new baby girl I was going to have, he ran inside to get me this elephant. He told me about how his daughter had loved it and that I should give it to my little girl. I instantly fell in love with this little pink worn out elephant. I now sit here and wonder about his daughter and where was she and wonder why all her things were being given away but i am sure she had just out grown the toys and clothes all children do, well I guess as most children do. Once I lost Kamryn and Gary had found a new job (about 3 weeks after we lost her) and I was at home by myself all night, I braved going into her nursery to get the elephant. I carefully untied it from the side of the bed and took it to bed with me that night. From the night on I slept with this little pink elephant it some how filling the loneliness, the emptiness, the silence that filled my room every night. Once we got a new puppy and I didn't want him to chew it up while i was asleep I moved the elephant to the computer desk to rest against my box that contained the plaster casting of Kamryn's feet and hands sand there it sat till yesterday ( Saturday) night. Ive gotten that emptiness that just wells up inside on me. the dogs are there at night but it's not the same thing as if Gary was home from work so i could just cry having him hold me, or even better if Kamryn was there for me to cuddle with- how big she would be now!!!

Day 4
of 365 Project

10/11/10

It had seemed as though today would be a normal day: go to work, go home, lay in bed wishing I had the energy to get out of bed to do the much needed things such as homework and cleaning. But of course how could any day be "normal" for me? Gary had called so I went and brought him dinner. Then decided instead of just sitting at home thinking and wondering I should go baby shopping ( always made me happy with Kamryn). On my way I passed a daycare, my heart just dropped, in the parking lot were two police cars, an ambulance, and a firetruck. All had there lights on and silence seemed to fill the place. All I could say was "Oh God, no" and my eyes filled up with tears. It seemed like the exact same scene that had occurred in front of my house nearly 11 months ago. The whole time out shopping my mind flashed back to that daycare and my eyes would fill with tears. I had no idea what had happened and will probably never find out, but what good can there be when you see this scene? I just pray that it wasn't another little angel lost today.