Rainbows and Death-Steeds

Bad Writing

2011-01-16T16:35:00.002+02:00

Bad writing makes me want to claw my eyes out - From little places like personal descriptions on online profiles, to fan fiction and erotic fiction like the kind I publish online, to actual crappy book that are out there, and, even worse, actual books that become best sellers and get big movie deals and come alive every realease with the screaming of a million idiotic fan girls - yes, I'm talking to you, Twilight.

It's not like everyone has to be a complete Shakespeare all the time. All that I ask is that people keep the amount of skill they put into their writing appropriate to the task at hand. Profile for a dating site - maybe use you're browser BUILT IN SPELLCHECK. Emails - same deal.

When it get's longer than about a paragraph - say, a page long article in a newsletter or a short piece of fan fiction/erotic fiction online - then you might want to make sure you're grammar's acceptable. And no, not acceptable like using "whom" instead of "who" or anything pedantic and anal like - just so long as it sounds like the way people actually speak - and by that, I mean, the way they actually speak in the language you are writing.

Then we get to anything between short story's and small novels - you might want to consider editing yourself, going over your work to find sentences that don't feel right in the flow of your piece, and asking yourself if maybe there's a better way to write that sentence. Maybe re-arrange some things, include stuff that you didn't think about the first time - it won't kill you.

And that brings us too books. One that jumps to mind (AKA, jumps screaming to mind, wearing a brightly coloured outfit and waving around some gigantic spear like a horrible amazon princess from some 80's science fiction cover) is Twilight. In this day and age, I'm shocked that some can put out a book that is a complete piece of garbage, and still have it be a best seller. It's insane. And don't try to tell Twilight fans that - they'll use the fact that it's sold however million copies as "proof" that it's good literature. Kind of like looking at the success of McDonald's to "prove" that they serve healthy, wholesome food. Anyway, when you're writing a book - RESEARCH a little bit, why don't you. Get to know your setting, and the cultural aspects of some of the people in your books - sorry about that Quileute tribe. Stephenie Meyer was just sort of re-enacting the colonial days of America by wiping her ass with your culture - sort of a "Thanksgiving" project.

Anyway, let's move on to TV and movies. There are so many bad examples out there, that I'm going to have to leave Twilight out of this and go back to it at a later stage - let's face it, the whole things been tainted ever since Stephanie Meyer woke up from her dirty dream about boinking a dead, cold 17 year old boy that sparkled... No comment.

Let's start with Series - it's way to easy to put crap out there. Cougar Town, Courtney Cox's latest log thrown on the dying pile of embers that is her fame, is TERRIBLE. The dialog is corney, the jokes are barely funny. They've somehow manage to take an amazing cast - snatched from actually funny production like Friends, Scrubs and White Chicks - and they've turned it into the most painful way anyone intelligent could spend 20 minutes. I don't even have a comment for the writers - they're that bad. For improvements, they should just fire there writers, throw a bunch of plot lines into a hat, and spend that 20 minutes improvising. And the only way I can be sure that they don't already do that is that it's just so terrible, and that these actors are so good, they can't be screwing it up without some serious help.

Movies - the latest one that comes to mind is 2012. When I went to see it, I was wondering if the movie house was pulling some kind of prank. "HA-HA!!! Gotcha! It's amazing what you guys will pay to see! You should have seen your faces!" Seriously, have writers in Hollywood run out of ideas? Because, really, 2012 was every disaster movie I've ever seen. And I don't mean that in the neutral way, like it was just as good or as bad as all those others - I mean, it was EVERY one of those disaster movies, with all the non-dramatic bits cut out, and then ALL crammed into one movie. It was terrible - it was like watching the humorous Disaster Movie - without ANY of the humor.

Anyway, that's my random rant for the season... and the only blog post that I've done in the will, because it fell in the perfect window of me having something to say, and me having time to say it.

Thank you and goodbye. =)

Sex Map

2010-08-21T17:27:00.002+02:00

Find out where I've journeyed
on the Map of Human Sexuality!
Or get your own here!

So this is my sex map. I compared it with a friend who asked me to do it, and his made me feel like a mega-ho'.

The Long Road Home

2010-05-26T15:54:00.001+02:00

So I'm back, in South Africa at least, if not exactly home home, in Cape Town. I'm staying with my dad, in Joburg, right now. Until the 31st, when I fly back. I'm going to be here for my big sister's 21st, so that's going to be lots of fun.

The trip back was just the tiniest bit stressful for me. One the things I had to worry about was that I had way to much baggage. I had checked in the 23 kg that I was allowed to, but as hand luggage, I had 2 bags at 11 kg each. And since the limit was one piece of hand luggage at 7 kg, I felt a bit like an outlaw. And not a super-bad-ass, me-against-the-law kind of outlaw. No, the fact that I had to gigantic-ass bags weighing me down, and not to mention making it obvious that I was WAY over the baggage limit, made me feel like a HUGE idiot.

But it all turned out well. I got through the flight from Sydney to Perth without any trouble, because they're not overly strict about baggage on domestic flights. But I was worried that I'd be mega-screwed when I had to switch over to my flight to Jo'burg, because they'd crack down on baggage more for international flights. Anyway, I spent the four hour flight worrying about that, but when we landed, I had something else to worry about - we were stuck on the tarmac for about half an hour after we landed, for some reason or other, and I was going to miss the bus to take me to the international terminal - which, for some idiotic reason, is a 15 minute drive away from the domestic terminal.

So I did miss the bus, and I had to catch the next one - which left an hour later. I ended up arriving at the terminal 5 minutes before my flight was supposed to leave. And I still had to go through customs and security and all that. So I was basically mega-screwed. But, on my way in, I got stopped by an air hostess from South African airways, and she asked me if I was... well, me... and I said "YES!!" (Yes, exactly like that) and then she basically sped me through security and customs and onto the plane. Some Aussie asshole stopped me and said "Hey, you're not allowed to have that much baggage." And some other crap like that. I thought I was in for a full lecture, but the whole SA crew was standing out there, waiting to take off, and giving him the evil eye for delaying the process further - so he picked up on the atmosphere very quickly and shut up, and I was home free.

Okay, maybe not the nicest thing for me to break their laws like that. But really, the flight was half full (Yes - I'm an optimist) and there was plenty of space. And I just didn't have the money to pay to check my stuff in.

But anyway, it's awesome to be back in South Africa. I was very surprised by how much patriotism has sprung up since I've been away. People have SA flags sticking out of their car windows now, and they have these weird SA flag covers on their side-mirrors. It's very cool.

It's been nice walking around the malls here a bit too. You know, comparing prices, and what sort of stuff is available.

Three things I've been unable to find here tho: Frozen Coke, Meat Lovers Pizza and Butter Salt. I still have hope for the Meat Lovers - I've had a "Meat Feast" pizza at one place here. It's not as good, but I'm hoping one of the other places will have a decent Meat Lovers equivalent. Butter Salt - I'm sure I can find. I've only been to one movie house so far. And Frozen Coke - I fear it's going to be a while before that finds its way into South Africa.

Three things I missed, and am glad to have again: Steers Burgers - HOLY CRAP, so good. They just don't have anything quite as good, cheap and easy to find in Aus. Chocolate Products - anything, biscuits, bars - just a lot better here, I think. And Afrikaans music - This guy called Jack Parow has this song called Cooler As Ekke - it's SO funny.

Anyway, over and out

;-)

All that glitters... is probably gay

2010-05-17T13:26:00.002+02:00

Okay, well, since I don't have much to talk about right now... I think I'm just going blurt out a whole bunch of things that I've seen on the internet over the last couple of months, or just generally thought about. Hopefully this'll get me started on some kind of thing where, the next time I see something, I can put it on. Also, I feel like it really has been a long time since I last blogged, and I'm kinda bored right now, so I have the time, but I don't really have anything to talk about.

I am going back to South Africa on wednesday.... which is kind of bittersweet. I'll really miss... Life here, in general. My aunt, uncle & cousins, obviously. My cousin's friends, who are a really cool bunch of people. The shopping here - I'm going to miss the non-stop sales, the way the cheap clothing stores have a much better fashion than the cheap ones in SA do, the gimmmicks and gadgets that you can find here, stores that are dedicated to things that I'd never thought you could dedicate stores to (ie: Vacuums, Shavers, Tea, Storage), K-Mart&Target&TheBigW (I can't help it - there is nothing like them in SA) Not to mention trains, ah the trains, and the busses that go basically anywhere. But yeah, I'm already kind of homesick. Plus, money is always an issue. I mean, I've been working, and that was great - made loads - but, yeah, I'm still not rich, and I still feel kind of like a squatter. Plus, I need to get my life sorted out (In regards to coming-out and finding love) and, well, hopefully I can do that when I'm back home.

ANYWAY. On to the gay stuff.

The gay rainbow flag has only SIX colours. Now, I'm sorry if I'm a mega-science nerd, but there are 7 colours in the rainbow spectrum. Remember that lame line that your teacher used to get you to remember it? Richard Of York Gave Battle In Vain - ROYGBIV.

Red

Orange

Yellow

Green

Blue

Indigo

Violet

Well, the gay flag seems to be missing Indigo. Which drives me crazy. Apparently it was lost in the 1979 Pride Parade of San Francisco - the place from which the symbol sprang. It was so that the gays and lesbians could each walk on their side of the street with the same number of colours - so that's why they decided to drop indigo... which I suppose is understandable, because next to violet and blue it's like... meh, what do we need indigo for? You know, it's kinda redundant.

Oh wow. This actually took up more space than I thought.

So, in that case, I'm actually going to end it here. I'll be back soon, with another gay thing to blog about.

Well, hopefully soon. I'm bad at this "timely" thing.

Camping!

2010-04-11T13:01:00.002+02:00

Camping was fun. I mean, I've only ever been on school camps or karate camps before - all of which were organised to the point of tedium. You know, it gets annoying when there's a planned activity for every single minute of your day. Not that I'm saying I don't like doing things when I'm camping - but the face that school camps have activities that are compulsory just sucks. Karate camp, I actually didn't mind so much, because the activity was training - and I looked forward to that. But school was always some crappy, team-building thing. Snore.

Anyway, this camp was good. It was just a bunch of teenagers, and a lot of fun. Everyone brought stuff and we had everything we needed - which wasn't really good planning, but rather the fact that we had packed a million things and some of them came in handy.

We were in a national park that was right on the beach, which was awesome. Really nice to hear the waves while you're drifting off - kinda reminds me of home, in Cape Town.

We were there for about 4 nights, which was, in my opinion, the best amount of time. By the 4th night, I was totally ready to go home. It went nicely though. On the first 2 nights, we got really drunk. On the 3rd night, we went to a restaurant in a nearby town (It was only about 20 minutes driving distance). And on the last night, we went to the nearby town again, to see a movie - Kick-Ass, which is absolutely AWESOME, btw.

Anyway, it was cool. I feel like it got me closer to her cousin, and a couple of her friends.

I spent the second night in one of the tents with the gay guy that she's friends with. No - not that kind of night, in case you're thinking that. He still doesn't know I'm gay, because I haven't told her (My cousin) yet. We talked tho. He's really cool, and not just because he's cute. (Although I'm not going to deny that that is a factor) And he just broke up with his boyfriend, so... yeah... maybe...

But, anyway, I had lots of fun. Although it was a bit weird dealing with people for that extended period of time. And speaking of that, I've developed a new drinking game:

The Socially Awkward Drinking Game!

Here are the rules:

1) If confronted by an awkward silence - take a swig of your drink.

2) If sitting in a group, and you have gone the last 3 minutes without so much as contributing one word - take a swig of your drink.

3) If someone tells an inside joke that you don't understand - take a swig of your drink.

4) If you tell a joke, and no one laughs - take a swig of your drink.

4a) If you end up being the only one laughing at your own joke - make that swig a double one.

I'm working on more rules, but I'll think about them later, next time I'm drinking in social situations. It's quite a nice game. You have to be socially awkward to play, but it works out well - the drunker you get (as a result of the game) the less awkward you become, hence the less you drink - so it definitely burns itself out.

Anyway, that's that. One more thing about camp - it helped me come to an important realisation:

I don't need to be here, in Aus, as desperately as I thought I did. I really wanted to study here and end up living here, but I've realised that that's just due to envy of my cousins life. And, even if I do end up living here, it definitely won't be like her life - she's got a pair of stable parents to back up, which I don't. But it's going to be like that, wherever I choose to be in the world. So, wherever I choose can be anyway - America, The UK, whatever. Sure, Aus may end up being the best - Like America but smarter, Like the UK but warmer and nicer. But, even if I do end up here, that shouldn't mean I shouldn't got to the other places, and spend time there.

Anyway, done blogging.

MWAH

Clubbing

2010-04-04T03:56:00.004+02:00

Yeah, well, I was thinking about this last night, while I was out doing - guess what - CLUBBING!

And no, not golfing. Or clubbing seals.... although that'd be fun.............

Jokes.

Anyway, I went out with a whole group of people, because it was my cousin's friends 18th, so yeah. It... well, it was clubbing. I'm not a huge fan. Don't get me wrong, the excitement of it all was good enough. You know, going out, seeing the city.

I think one of the main issues is that I should be out of the closet, and gay clubbing - I'd probably enjoy that a lot more. Because clubbing seems to focus, mostly, on sex. Okay, not exclusively, but I don't get why you want to dance to horrible boom-boom-boom-BOOM music if you're not planning on getting laid (with varying degrees of success) I just don't get it otherwise. Sure, it's nice to dance... nice-ish. And to drink. But, meh, they aren't that fun, aren't they? Not when you remove the possibility of sex.

My cousin openly hates clubbing. And maybe that's good - maybe I should be more like that. Because I really pretend to have a lot more fun then I actually do, which is probably not good...

All I know is that when I'm out clubbing, I'm not always having this "AWESOME TIME" people seem to talk about. For most of the night I just feel awkward... and... meh. It's like I'll always be the little fat kid with acne and glasses that the other little boys laugh at because he doesn't play sports....

Anyway, let me not reminisce about my disappointing childhood...

But, yeah, the point seems to be this: Get drunk, get laid. Tada. That's it. The dancing is just more of a facilitator of getting laid. So, naturally, at a straigh club, it wouldn't hold any appeal for me. Although, I've never been to a gay club, so I wouldn't know, at this point, whether I'd find it just as annoying and pointless.

Anyway, to be less vague, this "city" is Sydney, and we were in Kings Cross - the red light district - woo-hoo. I'm shocked, actually - you come to Aus, and there are all these rules and regulations, ab nauseam, and then I go on a tour and: "This is Kings Cross, the red light district, where prostitution is legal."

Anyway, before we went clubbing, we went to a strip club. God, I've got to come out - not that it'll prevent me from being dragged places like that - the gay guy in the group still got dragged to it. But, yeah, at least I'll stop wondering if I should maybe pretend that I like it or not. Because I really don't.

Luckily tho, I was spared the trouble by the strip club being ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS.

The club was basically just this row of benches in front of a single stage, and there was one dancer... youngish girl. Anyway, the reason her act was funny, and not sexy, was that she had like 5 moves.... and she just did them over and over and over.....

1)She'd do that thing (that strippers do) where she'd swing around the pole, legs in the air (so basically like holding on to the pole with her arms and... I donno... clamping on with her Vag...)

2)Then she'd turn upside down, and do a hand-stand for about a full minute....

3)Then she'd come to the front of the stage, lie down (Vag facing the crowd) and stick her legs up in the air and.... gyrate... for a couple of minutes...

4)Then she'd come into the isle between the benches, and shake her... stuff... all around... again, for another couple of minutes....

5)Then she'd.... Go back to the stage and start over!

And, to top it all off, she had this look of abject boredom on her face the whole time.

It was so funny. Yet, at the same time, I was almost as bored as she looked. I think I would have felt that way, even if I was straight.

But, yeah.... it was also kind of sad. Sure, I'm all for strippers rights. And I'm of the opinion that it's only degrading if you let it be. And.... from what I saw... what that girl was doing, was degrading.

Seriously, if I was going to be a stripper... even a male one... I know it's a long shot, but just follow me on this one... I'm sure the last thing I'd feel is boredom. Yes, you can feel nervous, or terribly depressed that you have to resort to it, or you can even embrace it - as an expression of your freedom and independance etc... But, meh, to get bored while you're doing it. That actually breaks my heart a little bit.

Otherwise, the night was good. I wore fancy-assed shoes, that I really shouldn't have, because I was the ONLY ONE wearing fancy-assed shoes, and they KILLED my feet.

Hmmmm, well, that concludes my blog for today. I'm going camping soon - and I'm hoping to write something about that once I'm back in the land of interwebz and eklektricity. I'm so proud of me, for writing this soon after my other post. I'm going to try and keep this up. It's really therapeutic.

And a little shout-out to my hater, who has nothing better to do than "Looking forward to reading [my] blog to see if this(the email he sent me about my story - which he read the latest chapter of, even after "writing it off" as a "lost cause) makes it [here]." Congrats - you've got a mention in my blog now. Asshole.

Probably would have been better to not have said anything at all... but then, I donno, it might seem like I've seen his message, been hurt by his words, and INTENTIONALLY left him out of my blog.... So I decided to err on the side of bitchiness. :-)

And I fear this may turn into a mud-slinging match, depending on his nature - yes, his and not mine, because if it was purely up to my nature - it's would definitely turn into a huge mudslinging match. :-D I'm a bad, bad, childish little kiddie.

And now I'm really done blogging.

MWAH.

The End of The World

2010-03-30T12:45:00.002+02:00

Okay, so I'm talking, of course, about the impending collision in CERN's Large Hadron Collider that may cause scientists to gain a deeper meaning of all matter and energy and it would change the world as we know it.... or, you know, the collision that they're using to do this may cause a collision that would DESTROY THE WORLD!!!!

So, you might ask me - If the world is possibly going to end soon, what the HELL are you doing sitting behind your computer, and writing in your damn Blog, which you haven't bothered to write in for however many months?

And I'll tell you. (Even if that wasn't you question)

Well, firstly, because even I haven't exactly done everything I wanted to in life. Hell, I've done basically nothing I wanted to in life. Except going to Australia - and even now that I'm here, sure it's great, but a lot of things have gone wrong and I've been quite down lately.

Anyway, even though I haven't done everything (er, anything) I really wanted to, there's not much time to do them now, anyway. Also - I doubt it'll destroy us. Still, there's the possibility... But I'm an optimist.

So, rather than go into a moment of irrational and possibly to-be-humiliating-in-the-future kind of fear... I'd rather write down some thoughts.

Because my blog is something I've been putting off - first because I was too busy and having too much fun with the Aus trip, then because the Aus trip was kind of getting me down.... and I didn't want to put bad, weepy, miserable whining on my blog.

Plus, I got HATEMAIL. My first hatemail. Okay, maybe hate is strong, but this guy was an ASSHOLE. He literally called my stories "lost causes" and he told me I shouldn't put links to my blog if I wasn't going to update it. And, yes, I know I've been bad - but who fucking CARES, right? Actually, let's take a vote:

Provided anyone sees this post... lol. Anyway, I'm putting a poll... somewhere above this. Check it out.

Okay, so anyway....

The Final Days....

I'm just seriously pissed off (With Myself now, not that Asshole who hatemailed me) about how I haven't done ANYTHING that I'm "STILL PLANNING" on. I mean, I haven't told any family or close friends that I'm gay. I haven't had SEX. I haven't had a boyfriend. I haven't..... done ANYTHING.

And, I'm hoping this feeling stays with me, because I hope this fear, that the world could end of any time, makes it stupid to fear other stuff. "What will they think of me?" "What if he doesn't like me?" - All bullshit!

So I'm hoping that... well, firstly that we survive. But also that I get over my own crap and just DO the things I want to do.

And I will right another blog, because, hey, it's always worth it, to write the things that you're thinking down.

Mwah, bitches.

On my way

2010-02-01T23:58:00.002+02:00

So, things have been intense. I've bought my air ticket with Quantas airlines. It's direct to Australia - the stopover's in Perth, and then off to Sydney. I wanted to stop over in China or Malaysia, which were options, but this was cheaper, and I'm kind of running out of money at this point.

I also have to organise my Visa. And the guy at the visa agency is being an imcompetent MORON!!! But I'll sort that all out tomorrow.

So anyway, I've got a job now, for the time I'm in Joburg. It's at a Kumon centre, just around the road. It's like this wierd Japanese school system that's supposed to help children improve their maths and english. I think it's bullshit tho. But they pay me well, so I don't voice my opinions.

And I've been on the internet dating sites a lot. I don't know why. Guess I'm feeling lonely. Or whatever. But I'm only here in Joburg for about a month before I set off to Aus, so it's kinda stupid to go looking for someone now, because I don't really want a cheap hookup. Not that I really want a boyfriend, anyway, not this year.

And I've been watching a lot of TV, during my free time. 30 Rock is AWESOME. Love Tina Fey - she's so funny. And I've also been watching Weeds - very good show. Although I miss the cute gay guy that was cut out after about the 1st episode. He was kinda cute.

Anyway, that's probably all for now.

...

Yup, that's definitely all for now

Busy, Busy, Busy

2010-01-14T14:26:00.002+02:00

Okay, so, as the title suggest's - I'm very busy. I'm working part-time at my school, which is very sad, if you think about it, because I've just matriculated, and now I'm back there, even though I shouldn't be. Oh well. At least I don't have to go to class. Plus, it's only temporary, the money's good, the work is easy, and it's amusing to think of my teachers as "co-workers" now.

And, I'm busy organizing my Australian VISA. It's rough - so much to fill in. And my hand writing sucks.... so that's going to be..... interesting. Oh well. Hopefully all goes well.

Things with X... well... I donno. We went to movies yesterday. It was cool. Oh, and he's moved very far away from me (he used to be just down the road) so that sucks. We were almost late for the movie because he got stuck in traffic with other friends. We were supposed to go to another movie today - one that he wanted to see. But we didn't, for some reason. He sent me a text message to cancel. He was supposed to stay over at my house tonight too - guess that's not happening.

It sucks. Seeing him, and hanging out with him makes me amazingly happy. But when he goes away.... I feel so sad. It really depresses me that nothing can ever happen between us. I just wish it could.... you know, I'm harbouring a secret hope that he'll turn out to have been gay all along.

But I accept the reality that that's incredibly unlikely.

And, I want to tell him I'm gay, but I don't know. It might ruin a good thing. I mean, he is such an awesome friend. I'd hate to wierd him out and drive him off. Also, I'm going out of the country anyway - we may end up drifting apart and losing contact. Is it really worth all the drama then? Maybe we do stay friends - then I'll tell him later. But if we don't, I don't see why there's a point in telling him something that will most likely drive him away anyway.

Oh well.

Also, I might as well throw in opinions of movies while I'm here. Okay, I'll start with Avatar - the movie we were supposed to see today.

It's really cool. I really enjoyed watching it in 3D. The storyline is good, if not that original - I mean, forces of nature rising against the cold, emotionless and unaesthetical forces of destruction. I mean, Warcraft 3, Fern Gully, things like that... all had a very similar plot. But the graphics were excellent. And those Na'vi were so cool. All in all, I loved it.

Next, 2012. SHITTEST. MOVIE. EVER!!! It sucked so badly. I mean, that whole thing with the mom and the stepdad, where he says "Something's tearing us apart" and the earth splits beneath him. And at the end... When that author guy is trying to unjam that thing in the hydrolics, and the camera goes out, and that IDIOT in the control room cries out "WE'RE DOOMED!" I mean, seriously, how retarded is that - They can't see the guy who's trying to save them, so..... they must be doomed. And then, when he doesn't come back up, they all get really sad and it's a huge tragedy.... even though about 6 BILLION other people have died.... no, one sad little washed up author dying is a real tragedy.... barf. I can't believe I actually paid money to see that.

Oh what a day it's been.....

2010-01-03T01:26:00.002+02:00

Okay, since it's been like FOREVER, and I've turned into one of those people who only write posts to their blog when they're apologizing for not making more posts on their blog, I'm going to do a full, varied, and detailed version right now.

Okay, my stories, I should have a new chapter out in each one within the week, so that's good, right? Here are the links:

Perfection is Overrated

Another Day

I'm running out of things to do with my day. Although, My sister and her BF are in town, and they're very active and always happy to have me around. They took me out for New Years - we all went and partied on beachfront, where there are a whole bunch of clubs, and then we walked home, because our house is very close. Although, it doesn't seem that close when you have to stumble the whole way drunk, but oh well.

As far as X goes..... Haven't seen him. He was supposed to come to my house on the... 29th, or something, but my phone battery died, and he couldn't reach me, so like a little quitter, he gave up. He was doing something with other friends the day after, when I phoned him. He was somewhere far away, so yeah... Don't know when I'm seeing him again - he'll have to call me. It should be before the 15th - when we're going to see eachother anyway, but who knows. Not sure I'm over him. Some guy phoned me on New Years to wish me, but I didn't recognise the number, so I can't be sure if it was him or what. I like to think it was him..... :D

Organising my VISA for my trip to Aus. So many forms. So little energy. Plus, I'm planning on going to America afterwards, and I may not be able to wait till I'm in Aus to organise that - I may have to do it now. Sigh. I don't think I want to be back in my country this year - especially not in June/July, while the world cup is on. Aside from not being a huge fan of soccer, I'm just fearing what will happen when the copious amounts of tourists flood the inedaquite infrastructure we have in place - it will be impossible to do simple things like drive anywhere or make a phone call.

Almost there...

2009-11-13T22:07:00.002+02:00

Okay, so finals are nearly over. That's good, I suppose. I can feel myself loosing the will to achieve, if I ever had it, but anyway.... hopefully I can get back on track.... tomorrow though, I'm so not in the mood now.

So, haven't really spent time with X in the last.... oh, 3-4 weeks. Haven't really had the time. It's been good and bad, I guess. Bad because, well, the obvious reason that seeing him and spending time with him usually makes my day. Good because.... Well, it's a lot more peaceful.

Realistically, I don't think anything's ever going to happen with him. Life just that kind. Maybe I'm just saying that because I'm having a minor existential crisis over here. I should go for someone available - it's just a tiny bit less idiotic.

Which brings us to someone who shall henceforth be known as T. We met on a gay dating site, and we both live kind of close to eachother - not close enough right now, because we have no transport, but it will be close enough when I get my car in december.

But that's another whole big confusing thing.... I'm not sure if he likes me. We flirt, alot - still an online relationship. And I definitely couldn't be mistaking it for flirting - it's pretty clear. He's..... very good looking. From the photo's I've seen anyway.

It's just....

Well, first of all, he told me how he was so hung up over this guy.... the details were a bit fuzzy, but still, I'm wondering if he's emotionally available. And also, he's.... a whole lot more "experienced" than me (ie. I'm still a virgin and he's already done a 3-some and an older guy)

And... there's one more problem. I'm not sure I'm actually into it. Yes, he's cute, and we have great chats, but you never know from just chatting. So now, basically, I have to wait to meet him, and worry about whatever will happen the whole time I'm waiting. It's seriously annoying.

But I think I could like him. Hopefully he's the same person I IM, just better. He should be. From what I've experienced, if I only ever IMed X, then I'd hate his guts. He's a really lousy chatter. And T is not, so we'll see.

Meantime, I've got other stressors - the rest of my exam, plus the matric farewell dance, which is a social situation (like most of them) that I'm thoroughly dreading. Oh well.

After then, Australia. Well, after then, work, saving money and then only 3 months of Aus. I'm going there on a sponsered VISA... don't know if I've already said this.... but it's better than studying. Everyone seems to know someone in Australia., that I must "meet up with" - it's wierd. And kind of annoying. I know 3 people that have told me they've got a friend in Australia - one to give me a place to stay in Perth if I need it, one to be my Aussie fag-hag (I laughed at that one) and one hot guy to lay me. Lol.

I can't wait. :-D

I'm alright now...

2009-11-04T22:03:00.002+02:00

Okay, I've been doing good, especially lately. Haven't been thinking about X..... much. Not lately anyway. Been trying to study - although that's not going so well, since I haven't done it in about..... Oh, ever.

It's okay tho. I'm managing. Just a bit scared about Science - I've dropped from an A to a D in the last year. I'm doing well tho - making study notes. I've already covered 4 out of 10 chapters, in a few hours of today, and I have the whole of tomorrow to study.

Okay, I know it's going to sound lame, but X is one of the reason's I've been studying. For science, at least. He always asks me to help him with it, and I sort of promised him notes last time I helped him. So I'm hoping I can get him here.... Just so I can do nothing and feel bad about it. Sigh. Oh well.

Something interesting happened today though. I played Tomb Raider, and I was thinking about this guy (another author from nifty) who lives in brittain, who I met a while back, who got me interested in the game, and then late, on facebook, he started chatting with me. Well - tried to start chatting with me. I just missed him. I was looking at other stuff at the time.

Anyway, that was just a fun fact.

As for my plans for the near future.... they no longer involve studying in Australia. Luckily, they still involve Australia. So, basically, they no longer involve studying (YAY) For now, anyway. I'm going to stay with my cousins in Sydney (or jut outside of it, not too sure where - I have very little interest in geography) On a holiday visa, which is kind of crap, because it's only 3 months, but still - I get to travel, plus, now that I'm not studying anymore, I can go there solely for the purpose of having fun.

Okay, and I'm off to bed, so I can be ready for my exam, and for seeing X again. Not seeing him for so long (because of spread out the exams are), and then seeing him come toward me today and smiling just made me feel.... AH! Frustrated and happy and goofy and confused all at the same time.

But anyway.... bed.

Not feeling to good right now....

2009-10-26T23:12:00.003+02:00

I've sort of had a lot of "Oooh, cringe!!!!" moments recently. The consist mainly of saying something I may or may not come to regret, to someone who hasn't spoken to me for a while since, basically just giving up on my IT project (which we had to make out own programs for) - and just submitting a half-assed program that doesn't even work. Oh, and, in WoW, my guild is kind of "on to me" - lol.

That was quite bad. I've joined this guild, and I've basically been stealing from their vault (although, technically, I'm allowed) and the leader got pissed off and asked me to explain myself. I doubt I'm going to - that's their issue. I really feel no loyalty for a bunch of losers who play WoW..... Oh, I suppose that includes me. I just feel really judgemental though, because most of the main guys are above 40 (age wise.) When I'm that age, I hope I have better things to do than to get a death knight to level 80..... but ANYWAY

Other reasons I'm not feeling to good..... X. Well, these past weeks have been great, but it's back to school, and back to our group of friends (A very mottly croud, and I use the term 'friends' very loosely) and he's acting like an idiot again.

On the upside, school is over - we had the valedictory service, and now it's just exams. We're officially done, and no longer part of the school, since all we do there now is our exams. Some people cried, at the valedictory. I had to stop myself from laughing when our headboy (This GIGANTIC guy with a booming deep voice - very "FEE-FI-FO-FUM" like) burst into sobs in the middle of his speech. It was hilarious. Whatever - I'm cold and uncaring, let me enjoy it.

I mean, even if I were... a crying person, what the hell is there to cry about? Seriously though, let's look at it: Change (as in moving on with life) - crying about change is a bit pathetic. Change is (mostly) good, especially if it's something as routine as matriculation. Missing People - I don't know about the rest, but I definitely plan to keep in touch with everybody I like.... which isn't many people, but still. People arent possesions.

Anyway, brighter hopes for the future. I'm planning on Australia now, but for a studying year, not a gap year. Due to the shortcomings of my stupid F*&%ing country, I can't go for a working holiday. Which kinda sucks - because now I'm just going to be studying, and I don't think I can save up money like I wanted to, because all the courses are so damn expensive.

But, oh well. I start exams on wednesday, so let's hope I survive.

Oh, and I've written a lot of stuff. I'll probably be able to edit it and upload it to nifty soon.

Life Goes On...

2009-10-05T01:43:00.002+02:00

I'm just sitting here, thinking about X, and I feel like I should cry, like that would make it better. But I don't really make a habit of crying, so.... anyway.

See, we just spent the last 48 hours together, non-stop - barring sleep, for which we had different rooms. I went over to his house then he came over to mine. It was pretty cool. What am I saying? It was awesome. I had so much fun - even though I'm not really used to playing computer games for periods of time that long.

But now it's over. I donno, when I'm with him, I feel great. It's unbelieveable. But as soon as he leaves I get depressed, and I start doubting everything. I blame primary school for this - it's left me with a whole bunch of issues about close friendship.

I've been playing WoW (World of Warcraft) - Yay, I can finally work in the "Deathsteeds" part of my blog name. That's mostly his influence, but I still enjoy it. It's like the Sims, with fighting. It appeals to both the control freak and the testosterone pumped gorilla in me. Plus, I'm a bit of a fantasy nut.

Another friend has joined us though, and now it's wierd-ish. I mean, I still like the guy, and we chat online now too, but now it's not mine and X's "thing" anymore.

I've made a few friends (WoW friends), and it's cool. One gave me lots of gold, coz I'm hot. Hehehe. OR at least my character is. Another one is from Holland, which is quite cool. See? There's something to be said for online gaming.

X though..... I donno, it's hard to tell, but on online chat it's like he's being offish with me, which sucks. Oh well.

Then, there's still the crush, and that just makes me sadder. I mean, it's not going to end well. Unless something romantic and incredibly unrealistic happens and him and I end up together, I'm going to be the friend who lied to him. It's just wierd. I hate keeping secrets.

Anyway, life does go on. I'm definitely taking a gap year. Going to Astralia, more than likely, to live with family. I mean, I'll have to come out to them, but I think I'm ready to do that. Or, I'll just.... I donnno. I guess I'll just wing it. Come out if it feels right. I'm not expecting any issues or trauma.

America is still there, but now it seems like a better idea to go to Aus first.

Life is good. I just need to get off my but, (STOP PLAYING WOW), and get the brilliant marks for my finals that everyone (Including me) expects of me. And definitely stop procrastinating.

Yeah, that sounds good.... Maybe I'll start tommorrow.... or the day after....

;-)

Nervous Laughter

2009-09-13T15:50:00.002+02:00

Okay, nervous laughter, firstly because I'm basically letting this blog fall apart. Oops, my bad. I had this plan to do like a weekly posting every friday, and it's just sort of degenerated.

I feel bad - like I'm the kind of person who only writes on their blog to apologise for not writing more on their blog.... which is what I'm doing now.

Secondly, becaus I spent time with X, and I do that ALOT when he's around.

This friendship thing is definitely getting more embroiled. Crushing on him and at the same time and becoming his best friend is probably not smart, possibly emotionally destructive and risky as all hell. Does that mean I'm going to stop myself? Definitely not.

We spent Thursday and Friday together - thursday because he needed help with a project, friday probably because he needed to get away from his psycho mother and needed company.

And, as things seem to be going, we're going to be spending even more time together.

Anyway, more nervous laughter because when people ask me what I'm going to do after school, that's what I do. So far, it's a toss-up between a really Math-sy degree, an English Literature degree (Which makes more sense, even though I'm probably better at Maths than English, I like Reading and Writing a LOT)

And, the third option is a gap year, possibly in America or Australia, which would be nice. I feel like I really need to get out the country - far, FAR away.

Oh my...

2009-09-06T18:57:00.002+02:00

So, yay, I've got three followers, plenty of readers (for my stories) and a little bit too much advice....

Don't take offense if you have given me advice. It's just... that's not why I wrote this blog. Plus, I get enough advice from people I know personally, so...

As a rough rule of thumb, Compliments about the story(stories now, actually. Yay - I've got my second one out) are fantastic, co-miseration is great, encouragement is good..... advices is a No-no.

That being said, NO progress has been made with X. I'm kind of an uber-nerd though(On the inside), and our science exam is coming up. Maybe I'll lure him to my house, with promises of knowledge.... Plus, he's kind of close to failing, so it's not like he'll say no.

But, I doubt much'll come of it.... Unless I get him drunk.... but that'd be counter-productive for him, and I'm not really sure he drinks.

But, anyway, dammit. My biggest problem is not just being able to ask him to just "hang out". I don't know why I can't - maybe it's my inherent character flaw or something. But I always need a "reason" for the two of us to see each other. Okay, it's not entirely my fault - he contributes to it too.

And this "reason" is me totally shooting myself in the foot - I never know if he's there for the "reason" (Even if it's a semi-lousy one) or if he's there for me. I'm going to need to genuinely just ask him to hang out sometime.... If I can finally force myself to do it.

Okay, that may be PARTIALLY taking someone's advice, which kind of steps on my earlier point.... but anyway. No advice. Grrrr.

I just don't know anymore

2009-08-22T23:52:00.002+02:00

This is going to be short and sweet, like a Thai ladyboy, but I just need to get back into the habit, seeing as I've been neglecting it so long.

X is wierd as all hell - talk about mixed signals. I have no idea if... well, anything. If he's even my friend. Well, okay, maybe not that, but I can never be sure if we're close or not. Our biggest problem is probably that he's as scocially awkward as me, so building the relationship kind of happens in jerks and starts.

I don't know about my crush. Okay, obviously I can't just MAKE myself stop wanting him, but the chances are so slim that I'm wondering if it's even worth building myself up like that - especially when it plays jump-rope with my emotions.

Another guy, a soccer jock, let's call him Jared(Because he's the guy I based Jared on in my Another Day Stories), is totally hot. We see eachother around a bit, but don't really talk much. We did university access tests at the same venue today though, and since we were the only familiar faces there, we talked quite a bit. He actually makes me wonder - we go to a very christian school and he jokes about being gay. Sometimes I wonder just how much he's joking though.

What I feel about him - I donno. It's definitely not the same thing as it is with X. He's hot as all hell, but we really don't have that much in common. When I fantasise about X, it's not just sex but more like soft kisses and holding hands and laughing together - all that romantic crap I usually scoff at. With Jared, it's completely just sex. Nothing else, really.

See, that's when morality bugs me. If I like a guy and enjoy his company, then I'd be his boyfriend. But if someone turns me on, and I don't exactly revel in the conversation, why shouldn't I just sleep with him? Not that this isn't a moot point - I am still a virgin, afterall.

Anyway, thats enough for a posting.

Thank You and Goodnight...err... morning

Perplex'd in the extreme

2009-07-31T23:23:00.002+02:00

So, I don't know what to think. You know how it's a cliche saying about how it's impossible to tell what the opposite sex is thinking? Complete bullshit. I find it impossible to find what someone from my own gender is thinking. I know the gay thing screws it up a bit, but seriously.... it's not some weird male/female mumbo-jumbo about how were wired differently. Maybe you just can't see how the other person is thinking, because you're attracted to them, and you don't want to know, unless it's good and it's real.

So this great sailing-through the skies crush I have is not all it's cracked up to be. Mostly it's just confusing. One week, it's great, and next week..... who the fuck knows? I don't even know if we're friends at the moment. He's full of shit. But that barely changes anything, and just makes this feeling so much worse.

I've been trying to play it cool with him. I had a motive for the cold shoulder, though I doubt he knows it. Apparently, according to one of my loud mouth friends who cannot keep secrets, X complained about me. Okay, granted it was a small and irrelevant detail, but I still felt really crap. This happened on a day when he was absent from school, so I had a while to seethe about it. And I decided to play it cold.

Okay, and I've also been wondering if the whole playing hard to get thing might be true. I know it's childish and "so-fucking-high-school" but hey, I'm new at this. And it kind of worked too.... well, for the first day. Or at least for most of it. He kept trying to talk to me more, and eventually I talked back and it was good again. I mean, it's not exactly like I was blowing him off - I still spoke when I was spoken too. I just tried to put reigns on the 13 year old girl that seems to take over my brain whenever I'm near him. Speaking of that, my 13 year old sister has a crush on him (Thanks from info from my older sister) So I take that as proof of said hotness.

And now, that we established friendliness again, he seems to have gone cold on ME, again. I have no idea what to think anymore. Maybe it's just today. You don't really have to pay attention to each and every friend every single day all the time, do you? I have to kick myself out of the immediate assumption that he's gay and crushing on me.

But the thing is, even if he's straight (or, I'll prepare myself for the possibility, gay and not really attracted to ME) I wouldn't just move on and forget him. He's actually a great guy - probably the only guy from our group that I could EVER see myself being close to. I mean, obviously I'd be disappointed, but I'd still want to be his friend. And I'd hope he'd be a decent enough guy - which I'm certain he is - to actually accept me.

But still, I don't know what to do. I wish he would just say something. Or at least call me and try to do something. But, from what I can gather, he's even more of a hermit than I am. I know I should call him, but what the hell for? I'm terrible at making up excuses. And the last time I sms'd him (So I could get some program - that was the official excuse) he didn't even reply, which kinda sucked.

I just want to know him better. Other people tell me just feel him out about things like if he's gay, or if he's okay with it, but how the hell can I feel him out about stuff like that when I barely even really know who he is?

I just feel like the ball is always in his court. I have this issue - sometimes I feel that people don't like me, and then I back off. On the upside, I've never been told that I'm an annoying person. On the downside, I don't actually have a real best friend at school.

So, I don't know. In an ideal world, we'd end ups somewhere together alone, have a dramatic and slightly emotional conversation charged with subtexts, and he'd push me up against the wall and kiss me, and I'd kiss him back. I kind of blame United States of Tara for this little outburst. There's that bit where Marshall kisses Jason in episode 9. I know it's lame, wanting something from a TV show, but I've just been waiting so long. I really want that kind of totally hot, romantic moment.

But I guess that's just wishful thinking.

So... I have this crush on this TOTALLY cute guy! OMG!!!!

2009-07-24T22:27:00.004+02:00

Heheheh. That's not exactly the whole story, nor the way I'd express it. I'm kinda falling for my friend, who's recently becoming something like my best friend, and I'm sure it's not a good idea. Officially, he's "straight", but then again, officialy(and at the moment), so am I. Let's call him X(For a few reasons, all personal, except for the one about anonymity), and he's mega-cute. Not your jock, muscle-man, model kind of guy, but.... definitely cute. Face-wise - Blond, blue eyed, great nose, full lips. Body-wise - Broad shouldered, average weight, pale as the undriven snow, strong arms. Very nice combination, altogether.

So anyway, I got back from visiting my dad for the holidays, and I was so planning contacting him, and finding some excuse to see him (We don't usually hang out that much). But, being lazy, loner, holiday-mode me, I didn't get around to it. So basically, I found myself on the last day of holiday, still not having seen him at all, which kinda sucked. I had woken up semi-early to try and get myself back into my usual sleeping hours, and work out and maybe ride my bike along the beach.

Neither really happened, so I was just sitting around watching pirated series' on my computer when X phoned me. He asked me for help with some of the homework we had been given (Yup, over the holidays. Harsh huh?), which, funnily enough, I hadn't gotten around to either. So, being just as lazy as him, I decided hey, I could help him, it might motivate me.

It didn't, really. We tried, but we kept trailing off, and just talking instead. During which he said to me, that I was the only one of the group that he could really "have a conversation with" Okay, to be fair, that is very true. I'll talk about out group of friends at some later point, but trust me, the only one is spot on. I told him (I think) that he was also the only one in the group that I could have conversations with. It's pretty awesome to realise that though, and that he said it first.

While were doing "science" (As he said to his mom every time she phoned him - which was a strangely large amount of times) it basically degenerated into him wanting to play Final Fantasy X, which he's never played. (I would like to thank both Square Enix and Fate here) So, during this, he invited me out to movies.

To Harry Potter, actually, which he had already seen. First we got food, which was fun.... ish. I get stupid around him.... for obvious reasons. Anyway, I didn't make too much of an idiot of myself. So, we still had time, and we went to the book store. That was wierd. He doesn't read alot, but he was being so interested in the books. I wondered if it was just because I was there. I read alot, and it's something everyone knows. He probably reads about 2 books a year, while I read about 50. So it seemed strange, like he was doing it just because I was with him.

Anyway, We went to the movie, and.... it was great. I tried to talk to him a bit... and I did... but for the most part... it was Harry Potter. I'm like a mega-fan, and this one was particlarly awesome. So.... it went okay. Like a movie should. For any hopeless romantics out there, NO, I couldn't snog him right there in the movie house. For reasons both of unknown sexual orientation and homophobic society, which I hope are self-evident. And, of course, I'd be missing Harry!

After that, we went home and I thanked him (Maybe a few too many times, but I managed to make him laugh) And he got his stuff (Including the Harry Potter book I lent him - again with the out-of-character reading) and we said goodbye, and he left. At which point I found out my younger stepsister has a crush on him too, but she'll have to beat me there.

Stuff has being happening at school too. Half the groups been absent this week, so he's been sitting next to me more often than usual. And at break the other day, he came to find me. Oh, and I let him borrow my copy of Final Fantasy, which he came over to my house and chilled with me a bit when he got it.

In class today (one where I sat next to him) I was really bored, and drowsy. So, while the teacher was rattling off, I put my head down on my crossed arms. I was facing him, then I opened my eyes, and I swore he quickly looked away from me. I just dismissed that, but when it happened again..... I donno.

Then, at break, he asked me if I had plans for the weekend, and I told him, in not so many words, hell no. He didn't really offfer to do anything though, so I'm actually wondering why he asked.

And now, here I am, confused, frustrated, full of hormones and romantic ideas. This is SOOOO fucking High School. But hey, I guess it IS actually High School, so.....

My First Post

2009-07-17T23:59:00.000+02:00

Okay, so I decided to start a blog. I'm only like 10 years behind everybody else, but hey, what the hell? I'm not getting any younger. Okay, to be fair I'm only 18, but I feel like I'm 80. I want this to be sort of a journal. My handwriting sucks, and I severely distrust 90% of the people living in my household, so an actual, physical dairy/journal/whatever book is out. I tinker around with my computer a lot, so it's not the safest place to store data (I actually lost a whole bunch of "journal entries" that I had made a half-assed effort to do before.)

My only other option would be my English teacher - who does this thing where she gives us the option to write journal entries in a journal which we hand in to her, and she reads through. My problem with that is A) Obviously, that I'm still in the closet - with EVERYONE, so anyone knowing (especially a teacher - even one as easy going as her) would kinda put me in a weak position and B) My schools a really christian school, so I'm not sure how she'd feel about it, and it makes it even more dangerous to come out. Plus, I mean, it's kinda random - just telling a teacher. She's cool, don't get me wrong, but if I'm going to tell a person from my life about me, she's not exactly first on the list.

Not that they'll lynch me or anything..... Oh god, I hope they wouldn't lynch me. Nah, it's more likely to be a complete social isolation type of thing. Even the other closet cases wouldn't talk to me. They'd probablly be afraid of being gay by assosiation or something. Yes, it's that bad.

They're not fooling anyone (Whereas I, on the other hand, worst case scenario, at least have them wondering) but NO ONE has ever come out while going to our school. One guy, from my sister's grade, matriculated and (about 2 years later) can still only admit that he's "bi" because he kissed a girl once..... before going on to have wild monkey sex with his (rather unnatractive) boyfriend. Seriously, barely any guys talk to this other guy, in one of the younger grades (We'll call him Mr. Black, for the purposes of anonymity) who, I think someone saw with a guy.... yada-yada.. or some other high-school gosspy-shit like that.

I know for a fact he's gay, but that's a WHOLE other story, but I kept my mouth shut, so none of it's on me. Which, I think, was pretty mature of me, considering...... but that's still that whole other story. Remind me to put it down sometime.Anyway, I need a vent, and dammit I'm gonna get one.

So, that brings me to this. Plus, I've been so introverted most of my life, and now I think I'd like some attention - even if it's only digital.The catalyst for this lovely new little activity is actually just me reaching out and copying a TV character - Barney Stinson, from How I Met Your Mother (Awesome show, if you've never seen it, btw. Doubt that tho - it's like the new Friends. Then again, I only did catch on about now, and it's already into the 5th series.)

Barney Stinson's a womanizing playboy type guy, and though it seems odd, I want to be more like him. Not the womanizing bit, of course. (In my case it'd probably be manizing, or something like that.) But I just love the way he sort of takes everything in his stride, and lives life "awesomely".

Hell, maybe I'll even try to be like his gay brother (Played by Wayne Brady - who's also pretty cool.) But, I'm not black, and, all in all, Wayne's character is a bit too smooth and charming.

I prefer Barney. He falls down more often, like the rest of us.That having been said, let this officially be the first post of my blog. It's going to be Legen........(wait for it).......DARY!