Working in a client-focused position in a major university, it is easy to fall back into the position of bending over backwards to make sure that client needs are met, and milestones continue smoothly. With all of that bending, I can understand why so many of my colleagues have the desire to participate in activities such as yoga and pilates. But the question remains – is it healthy?

Being a pushover, sometimes we feel like our needs are not being met. And it can lead to feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, and even anger. At their core, everyone has not just something to say, but also something to say about themselves. It is too easy to want people to be intuitive and guess what it is that we want, or need. And when we don’t get what we need, we fall further into that trap of resentment.

That’s where assertiveness comes in.

I got my first dose of assertiveness when I owned my first baby budgie, Piccolo. Budgies are not exactly at the top of the food chain, and I found that my passive voice, asking him to “hop up” on my finger like I was trying to catch a butterfly, was doing us little or no favours. The boy owned the house. Piccolo was the man. And it was making me feel sad and unloved by my chirpy little buddy who would peck at my finger like I was a disobedient child.

I decided that two could play at that game.

Piccolo and I would have arguments (listening to a young woman snarking at a squawking budgie was an amusing sight to behold). But in the end I would put my hand in front of his feet, tell him “hop up” with enough authority in my voice to indicate to him that this was what I needed, and Piccolo would hop onto my finger, climb up my shoulder, and play with my hair affectionately. He got what he needed, and so did I.

My friends were always surprised that I could be so authoritative. “You sound like a bit of a bitch!” Well, I wasn’t. I was simply being assertive and stating my needs. And sometimes that is the healthiest thing that you can possibly do.

Because, you see, there is a difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness. Everyone believes that they are synonymous drops of water from the same chlorinated pond, but they are as different as day and night. Assertiveness is the intent of explaining your needs, without holding a double-barrel shotgun at the other party’s head.

Assertiveness is the expression of your beliefs, feelings, or opinions. Sometimes all you need to say is “I feel upset” or “I feel conflicted”. Sometimes you need to tell people, “I need to change this situation because it is not fulfilling the things that I want.” And, most of all, it is not apologising for these feelings.

And it certainly does not make you a bad person.

This week, I had to have an awkward conversation with my supervisor, regarding training a new employee who had started in a position in our team. I had also applied for the same position, and had not been successful. It had been heartbreaking for me to see that I had been passive and complacent for many months to “prove my worth”, and this was not acknowledged by the panel of my peers who interviewed me. Since that time, I have gone on to other interviews and have been accepted to another job at another university. However, I was asked by my supervisor to assist the new employee who

I had such conflicting emotions about this. On one hand, I was anxious about maintaining a good working relationship with my supervisor out of the fear that, if I did not assist, I would not receive positive references in the future. I was being passive again, a pushover. And I felt downright horrible about it.

But then, one day, it just felt right to talk to the manager of the team, and tell her that I was not comfortable training this new employee, especially given that a panel of my peers had interviewed me for the same position and had deemed my experience in the same role “not enough” to be promoted to the continuing role. I explained that it felt illogical, and demoralising. I was also very clear in stating that I had needs to be met prior to leaving my position – completing my tasks – and that I needed the space to do it.

And it worked. Ten minutes later, I walked out of that office knowing that I had expressed my opinions on the matter, demonstrated my feelings and needs while also taking into account the requirements to complete my role.

And it felt GOOD. I felt calm and relaxed and empowered.

I have been reading the awesome posts by the women over at Stratejoy, who are all managing through the quarter-life crisis that many younger women face. When we strip away the work and the social responsibilities, who are we to the core? What do we need? It is so easy to cater for everyone else’s desires before our own, to feel loved and accepted.

And there is a point when you have to say, “This is not fulfilling what I want.”

This week, I learned that it is not impossible to express those feelings. More than anything, it is important to be attuned to them, while also acknowledging the needs of others.

Because the only person looking out for you, in the end, is you.

Esme and the Laneway: Books.
I admit that Esme’s blog has been a guilty pleasure ever since I saw her photoshoot on CycleStyle.com.au. All of her posts focus on the beautiful photographs that she takes, and this was quite an inspiring one for me this week, as I’m thinking of taking a long-overdue trip to a few second-hand bookstores to score some classics.

Imogen Smith: 5 rules of personal hygiene that do not apply while cycling
Ah, Imogen. We were buds in the postgraduate degree that we did at the University of Queensland, and even now I envy her ability to train, and train, and ride further than I ever will. Thanks to Imogen, I now possess the knowledge to calculate the trajectory of a loogie. Thankfully, I am always at the back of the pack.

** Happiness Is…**: A dry goods library
If Esme’s blog is my photographic indulgence, Shannon Eileen is certain my fountain of fun ideas. Shannon sources a lot of her interesting posts from other blogs, and looks like she has a lot of fun doing it! The dry goods library is certainly a post that will be a keeper in my RSS feed.

"Hills? What hills?"

Now that we are out of the floods and most of that pesky summer rain, I have been indulging my inner romantic by taking Miss Darcy out in the early mornings and riding around some of the parks in the western suburbs of Brisbane. Some days I have dared to ride up to the University of Queensland, other days I’ve simply delighted in some of the downhill freefalls that provide a more natural wind-swept look.

It has certainly been an exercise in stamina. Miss Darcy is a beautiful girl, but she has a devil of a time getting up hills. Electra certainly don’t make it too easy for girls who live in the rolling hills of Brisbane! However, I was equally surprised by my own determination. Two weeks after starting my new morning regime, I managed to stay on the seat and pedal Miss Darcy to the summit of the hill where our house is (this particular hill comprises of three knee-decimating inclines, one graceful drop, and a plateau that catches your breath).

Setting my mind to this task has been an amazing wake-up call to the world of 2011. Already, Australia has had floods, cyclones, and fires that has destroyed the hard-earned memories of many citizens. It’s so daunting that so many people have had to start the year on an incline, trying to work through so many things to finally be on track to their goals.

I guess I love bike riding because it gives you the hope that things will get easier.

We were lucky that it did not rain in those few days. And, after many weeks of rain and wet, the sunny weather was more inviting for Miss Darcy and I to have a ride around the back streets of our area. Some of the pictures below (taken with an iPhone, alas….)

Looking at the flood waters, 13 January 2011

A better view of the house to the right

Miss Darcy's new purple rose, so pretty next to the sad guck of the flood waters

Miss Darcy was recently accessorised with a purple rose handle bar flower (something so small somehow makes her so pretty!). It would have been so nice to go out under better circumstances, but hopefully there will be sunny days ahead after the roads have been cleared and bike paths repaired. :)

Don’t get me wrong – roller derby is wonderful. It’s fast-paced action heroines smacking each other and falling down while trying to do loops around a track on roller blades (who wouldn’t love it?). But I hardly expected to find cute vintage/chic clothing in such an environment.

And because some part of me is falling in love with very pretty things at the moment (for example, my bike Miss Darcy), I also fell in love with this style. It seems so appropriate for summer to return to styles that remind me of times of simplicity and elegance.

Don’t ask me to become a fashion critic because I will fail miserably (some of you ladies were playing with Barbies while my brother and I were pretending to be Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, you know….). But the biggest compliment I can give is this:

Uncle Phuncle has officially made me thankful that I have gorgeous legs. Now I get to show them off on frequent occasions in one of their cute retro/vintage dresses.

The one that I bought is not currently on the website, but I am certainly going to be frequenting the website over Christmas for new frocks, skirts, and tops to add to my collection!

]]> http://rainbowsleeve.com/2010/12/uncle-phuncle/feed/ 0 http://rainbowsleeve.com/2010/11/cycling-courage/ http://rainbowsleeve.com/2010/11/cycling-courage/#comments Sat, 13 Nov 2010 06:15:17 +0000 RainbowSleeve http://rainbowsleeve.com/?p=168 We have bypassed spring and hit the summer straits here in Brisbane. And with every new turn of this season, I find a new thing to inspire me.

This year, it is the “chic”-ness of the bicycle.

Ever since I was a little girl, I have been smitten with bicycles. I would love riding my Malvern Star through the park, clicking through the gears with methodical calculation, yet enjoying the simplicity of the environment around me. I would smile at the thought of freedom, and always wanted to pedal like a graceless little girl who wanted to reach light speed. I would beg and plead to have the chance to ride my bike to pick up the newspaper, or to go to the shopping centre and lug home a bag full of groceries, but my parents thought that the hills and roads were too dangerous for a girl to try and tackle – especially when we were so close to a Brisbane main street.

During the winter months this year, I have been incubating a dark desire – a craving for the opportunity to get on my bike and ride around Brisbane. But my best mate, my Malvern Star, was a Christmas present when I was thirteen. I am in my twenties now – significantly taller, and under no illusions that I want to pedal like a quick demon.

My Miss Darcy - isn't she purty?

So I went and bought a new bicycle. Not any kind of bicycle – a cruisy Dutch-esque bicycle. An Electra Amsterdam Royal, who is now affectionately known as Miss Darcy.

Now that Miss Darcy is home, I feel a great deal of pressure as a young woman on a glam bike. It’s intimidating, seeing many pictures of Dutch cruisers with pretty young girls who dress with poise and flair. Lord knows that I am the last person on the face of the planet with a sense of style (it was enough to get my eyelashes tinted!). Nonetheless, I presume that the next few months will be filled with copious moments of wonder and joy as I discover my own sense of style with my ebony temptress. Hence a new category on my blog called, “Cycling Chic Courage”.

It’s going to be a dark and mysterious journey for a scorching Brisbane summer….

My partner and I were wonderful bird mommies, and the budgies were no exception. They had their share of food and cuddles, and they were given free roam of the house to fly around and have some exercise. They were loved, adored without question. So it was a shock to both of us, when my partner opened the screen door at the other end of the house, that our little cherubs managed to fly down the hallway, into the lounge room and through the 5cm gap as the screen door was closing.

And shock is an understatement.

Two loving, happy boys - the best friends a girl could have

I think what was the hardest thing of all was the limited level of understanding of some of my peers of this tragic event in our lives. A rental agent who said, “Oh, they flew away? They didn’t come back? Guess they don’t like you anymore.” The pet shop owners where we posted flyers who were more interested in selling us new birds instead of acknowledging our loss. The people who expected the two of us to get over it quickly, and move on to the next thing.

Any animal owner would be mortified if they beloved pooch bolted out of the gate, or if their cat went for a walk one night and did not return. They would not expect any less of themselves than to do everything in their power to find their animal companions once again. So it troubled me when this sentiment was not conveyed to two birds.

Sure, they were budgies. They were not expensive to buy (I rescued one of them), they were not a handful to maintain. But they were equal in my heart to any other animal. And I think that equality came from the level of effort I had to go in order to earn their love and respect.

A dog will wag his tail and fall in love with you and drown you in cuddles and kisses. They have an element of unconditional love that has made them a favourite companion for many people. But for my birds …. this love was not just given to me. It was earned.

It was earned the first day that Piccolo flew out of the cage to sit on my shoulder without shying away. It was earned when I could coo sweetly to Scout as I took him to the basin so that he could play under the running water. It was earned in the precious moments when Piccolo would let me scratch him on the head and he would lean to the side and close his eyes. These two wonderful creatures trusted me to take care of them, and in return for the generosity of our home, they provided thousands of fun-filled moments that brought nothing but joy.

They were no less a companion than any pup or kitty or horse, and they were no less a friend than any of my human friends who I can go out and have dinner with. And anyone who considers them nothing more than chirpy centrepieces of a home need to seriously get their heads checked.

And to my two little men …. my two best friends, who did nothing but fill our home with love and humour … I say Rest in Peace, and all the best for your journey forward.

We will miss you.

So in my young lady days, I have not worn makeup often. Sure, I’ll smack on some lipstick and a tad of eyeshadow, but anything beyond that has always made me feel as if people are not seeing the real deal. It was a silly sense of pride that I could look my friends in the eye and say, “Hey – I’m here and authentic and saving many dollars on cosmetics each year, so neernie neernie neer!”

Yeah, well, that sense of pride had to be booted in the ass at some point. And in the fashion of good ol’ laziness, I decided to go and get my eyelashes and eyebrows tinted.

This isn't me, but this is how awesome I must look

For anyone who wants to know, eyelash tinting is apparently done with something a tad different to eyebrow tinting. This would be for a very good reason – trying to keep your eyes closed with dye on your lashes is difficult enough, without panicking about the possibility of dyeing your gorgeous eyes a healthy shade of bloodshot. So they use a dye that is just that little bit less extreme than the highlights you would put in your hair.

Of course, the downside of this is that it will not last as long, so in about three weeks I’m going to have to march my cute behind back to the salon and get them tinted again.

I guess the thing that I have been struggling with is, “Am I being all pretty and cutesy by making time for my appearance?” Most of my girl friends would say no, and I’m sure many of my guy mates are agreeing. But for me, I am not used to these sorts of beautifying activities. I think I shocked myself when I grabbed for a scarf and a nice pair of earrings this morning, looked in the mirror, and thought, “Fuck – I’m a lady!!”

Even more shocking, I have actually been walking around a little bit more confidently today. I have a little lift in my step that has not been induced by my usual caffeinated and sugar-nomming diet. When I see other people walking along, I am not regarding them shyly or even with jealousy. Instead, that 10-minute tint treatment was enough for me to say to myself, “I am here, and I have nothing to be ashamed of.”

I guess it is time to be a lady.

And I guess it is not shallow after all.

Do you want to know why this post is late, everyone?

The heat – oh my goodness, the HEAT!

Part 2: Sweltering Temperatures

It has been sweltering, folks. And unfortunately, I have been blessed with a computer that does not like the tropical Queensland weather. One day this will be rectified, but until then? Both you, the reader, and I, the author, will have to suffer through this together.

Don’t get me wrong – one of the best things about living in a subtropical climate such as Queensland is the glorious summer weather that we have – it begs us to go to the beach, or have a BBQ, or sit in the sun and get our yearly dose of Vitamin D.

But on other days, it screams at us to get inside, turn on the air conditioning, and hide until the evening.

We have various options to both enjoy and escape extremely warm conditions, thanks to wonderful technologies that keep our houses cool and our food chilled. However, until our companion animals have opposable thumbs, they have difficulty accessing these same technologies.

In the last couple of weeks, many animal welfare societies have started to post their summer guides. To save doubling up on a lot of this information, I would like to link to a couple of the key ones:

• RSPCA Victoria have a quick bullet-point list on Summertime Care.
• RSPCA New South Wales offer their Safe Summer for Animals articles.

However, in summary, you cannot beat these three tips:

1. Plenty of cool water (lots of big ice cubes can help too).
2. Plenty of shade (inside preferable, but an outdoor patio is suitable).
3. Plenty, PLENTY, of relaxation.

Too many animals pass away every year when they are left in cars or other unsuitable environments in the summer months (see RSPCA Queensland for their November 2009 article on car fatalities). I could go into a long diatribe about this, but here’s the simple truth, folks:

Don’t ever leave your animals unattended in a motor vehicle or other enclosures susceptible to high temperatures (plastic dog houses, plastic carry crates, etc.).

Just don’t do it.

No exceptions, no pardons, no “quick stop-off at the grocer”.

It is creating a high-risk situation that is avoidable, and no responsible person should ever consider putting their companion animal’s life at risk.

Small animals

As a bird and guinea pig owner, I have an extra challenge in this regard. For starters, my animals are limited by their cage and hutch as to where they can find a cool, shady respite.

In the summer, I urge my fellow exotic animal owners to bring enclosures inside. With shade being the most important element, why not relocate enclosures to 100% shade?

Other tips include the following:

• Using old pillowcases on top of guinea pig litter as little “beds” sure helps with the litter bill. I alternate between a day pillowcase and a night pillowcase for about 3 days, leaving the other one out on the clothesline to air out.
• Tiles! We have invested in a couple of old bathroom tiles, and these make a wonderful addition to a hutch, giving your animal the option for a cool surface if the heat picks up.
• We use water bowls instead of those water drippers. However, in the summer I like to have both there, just in case the bowl water gets soiled for any reason.
• Misting spray bottles are wonderful for birds that are not keen to hop into a bowl for a bath. Making sure the water is fresh, give your birdies a nice little misting bath (do not aim directly at the bird. Instead, turn the nozzle to face the ceiling – the water will shoot up into the air before “raining down” on your birds).

 
Stay tuned to Part 3 of our series on how to deal with the summer holiday season!

And summer is anything but kind to many Australian homes. Already, bushfires are being predicted for South Australia, with many more extreme weather conditions on the way. Thunderstorms, heatwaves, and even fireworks can cause our companion animals distress.

So how do we deal with the upcoming weather theatrics and holiday festivities? Here’s a short primer to get you thinking about options for the summer ahead.

Part 1: Thunderstorms

Everyone has different tolerances and reactions to extreme weather – while one person will flinch every time they hear thunder, another person will quite happily go out in the rain and scream to the heavens, “bring it on!”.

How does your pet react to these occurrences?

My boys will usually flinch, but one of our guinea pigs is exceptionally sensitive to noise and light moreso than the rest of our clan. When storm season happens in Brisbane, we make sure that he has a secure and warm place to hide to comfort him. A colleague of mine has two small dogs – one would whine at the sound of thunder and the other would not be fussed. She has noted that they both now seek comfort next to her during a storm.

RSPCA Victoria reports the repercussions of “thunderstorm phobia”: “When dogs become frightened they will try to reduce their fear by either trying to escape the noise or by becoming more active as an outlet for their anxiety, often resulting in destructive behaviour. A dog at large and destructive behaviours increase the risk of injury to the dog.”

Knowing your companion’s responses to these events is your responsibility, and is in the best interest of you and your animal to provide a safe way to manage these reactions.

What can I do if I am not home?

• If a bad storm is forecast, consider what your animal needs. A warm space? A loving hug? Spend time with your mate and see what needs to be done.
• If your animal needs someone in the house with him/her, try to be at home if you have a safe method of getting there.
• If you cannot reach your home safely, try to find someone who can. Family and friends are your best options, as they will be familiar with your animal. Can they get access to your home in the case of an emergency?
• A trusted neighbour is your best ally. During bad weather, they can be your best way to check on the well-being of your pet if you are unable to get there. Of course, this puts the responsibility on you to introduce your pet to your neighbour – the sooner, the better.

What can I do if I am home?

• During a storm, give your animal access to the place that he/she feels safe. This could be anywhere – under a table, on your bed, or a private space in their hutch. Dissuading this behaviour can cause anxiety for your animal. Frankly, what would you prefer – for Fido to pee on your rug, or for him to run around the house and damaging the property, injuring you or injuring himself?
• Distraction therapy for your dog or cat is a good activity if your pet seems anxious. Food is always a great motivator, so having a chew toy or some fruit and vegetables will give your animal something to do. Encouraging small games that allow them to exert a little bit of that pent-up energy is also a great distraction (tug of war, chase the mouse, etc.).

On Saturday, Part 2 of our Weather Warning series will look into how to help your pets cope with the impending heatwave.