A Rainey Kind of Day

We Really Have No Idea!

2012-12-21T21:03:00.001-06:00

Events from last week's shootings in Newtown, CT have given people all across America and the world lots to think and talk about. I am no exception. But, perhaps my thoughts might be a tad different from some.

See, I can relate from both sides of this story. Having been a Kindergarten teacher, with a classroom that was literally the first room in the building, I get tears in my eyes thinking about what the children, teachers and staff went thru.The one video of the teacher who hid with all her students in the tiny bathroom... that really got to me. I, and all of my teacher friends, love the students. Truly. Heartbreaking.

Upon hearing of the news of the gunman and the family, I immediately had compassion for them. I have spent the last several years trying to convince myself, and accept, that my children's actions/behaviors are not a reflection of me. I can control what they say and do no more than a mother can keep her baby from throwing up or peeing. It's in them and it's going to come out.
I think the difference is that Rick and I have always pursued avenues to help L and J deal with their issues as healthily as possible, learn strategies to help them cope, have consequences that help them learn from their mistakes, hold them accountable for their decisions/actions/words. I refuse to hide in shame and stigma for brain disorders that my children have had since birth, illnesses that will last for their ENTIRE lives. That's why I'm so vocal about our struggles.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am not blaming Adam Lanza's mom. Yes, things sound weird about what may have gone on in the home, but truly we have no idea. I bet many of you would be shocked to learn some of the things Rick and I have had to deal with.

Have you seen the article on the web, titled "I am Adam Lanza's mom". If you haven't, google it. This mom does a great job of explaining what parents of kids with mental illness go thru, let alone the children. After reading the article out loud to Rick, we looked at each other in silence for a minute and then Rick said, "Uh, THAT sounds familiar!". He's right, About 60-70 % of the situations this mom talks about we've experienced ourselves. And, unless you know us well, you probably wouldn't know this or even think it possible. Our children, in the safety zone of their own home, really exhibit their worst behaviors. It's scary.

When Josh was 4 and in preschool he started really showing signs of anxiety and anger. He had panic attacks and outburst often. He didn't hurt anyone but I know his tantrums took his teachers back. Believe it or not, one of his teachers, in trying to express her concern, told me that she wouldn't be surprised if Josh grew up to be like Dylan Klebold or Eric Harris. Or Adam Lanza. That's never left me, kinda scarred me really. I know what she meant to say but her words really stung.

Sometimes I'm really glad that Lauren is not a boy. She has a bad temper and if she had testosterone in her system...

Lauren does not show ANY signs of acting out towards others, only towards the person she is dealing with and is not letting her have her way. That person is usually me or Rick. It gets incredibly weary but I'm glad she doesn't lash out at strangers.

I bet that is what Adam Lanza's mom thought too. God only knows what hell she has gone thru with him - all the while trying to love him, care for him, get him help, home school him when public school didn't work (like it doesn't for many of us) and be the best mom she could be. Ok, you might say that she seemed pretty out there herself. I can tell you, with absolute surety, that that mother has been put thru things she never ever dreamed of when she held her newborn, sweet little baby, named Adam. The fallout from mental illness is enough to break a person pretty quickly and easily. I know this from experience.

I guess, all I'm trying to say is, while you mourn the lost lives of 26 people, have some empathy and understanding for Adam Lanza and his family. That family could be your neighbors, your friends from church, your co-workers, YOU!

So, as Christmas approaches, please be in prayer and thought about all 27 people, the 20 little souls, 6 courageous adults, and Adam Lanza, in CT, that grieving community, other families dealing with mental illness and our country, as it tries to learn a lesson from this tragedy.

Merry Christmas and Peace on Earth!

Por Favor

2012-11-20T17:56:00.000-06:00

Can I ask a favor of you. Please go to the FOLLOW BY EMAIL section on the right hand side of the blog and enter your email. You'll only be notified any time there is an update here. I promise you it's safe. No spam.

This way I don't need to put something on Facebook to say I've updated my blog. I feel like I'm bragging or something, begging people to read it.

You like what I write? Get notified. You don't like what I write? Why are you still here? :)

Laugh Twice and Call Me in the Morning!

2012-11-20T17:41:00.000-06:00

Yes, I know. My posts are sad, dreary and depressing. There is no denying that our family has had a bit more of our share of difficult things to deal with. Oh well. No pity party today. No pity party most days.

So why share all this depressing stuff? Well, that's what's happening. How could it be my blog if I didn't share my stuff. While I share with you my thoughts, fears, my life, I also like to share the fun. I'm not moping around ALL of the time. I laugh a lot. Really, I do!

Laughter really IS the best medicine.

Those of you who know me well know that I love to laugh. I laugh often and I have been told on a few (ahem!) occasions that my laugh is loud and weird. I like to think it is amusing and distinctive. If my laugh is weird then that gives you just that much more to laugh about. I'm here to entertain.

So, here are a few things that make me laugh:

Here's another one!

We took this photo when we were in Utah, last Christmas. Yum!

Can't you just hear them saying these lines? Thanks, LaSchel, for the calendar!

Rick and I got to go on an amazing work-related trip to NYC last Feb. We were put in an incredible suite in the Mandarin Oriental Hotel. This was the panel on the wall next to the heated toilet seat. Yes, the warmed water did oscillate!

When I say it, I just can't do it 'Joey justice'

I used to have fingerprints of little people on the backseat windows. Now I have these!

Recently, I heard a saying... A laugh is a smile that has exploded. I'm glad not all explosions are bad.

Sorry, Charlie Brown.

2012-11-19T23:18:00.000-06:00

Grieving is hard. It's like a pus-filled wound. At times, it seems to be getting better and healing. Then, out of nowhere, it flares up, becomes painful and you can't stop thinking about it. The only way to make it go away is to pay attention to it, clean out all of the yucky stuff and wait for it to heal.

Good Grief!

Lots of wounds right now. The wound of Lauren's issues is different than my other ones. It's active, constantly being picked at and reopened. Let's just say, "That's gonna leave a mark". Oh yea.

My others.... I have names for them: Dad, Mom and Hilary.

We've been so worried about Lauren that I haven't really had down time to grieve Dad. I miss him very much! I miss his beaming smile, the shape of his eyebrows when he would try to be cranky with me but I wouldn't take the bait. I miss that distinctive voice, with the accent that many try to mimic. Everyone says Rick does the best 'Joe' voice and I believe them, but I just didn't hear it. I only heard the voice of my daddy.

I miss him so much that at times I just want to walk around, telling strangers "My dad died. He's gone. My dad passed away in July. Did you know my dad is gone?". It's like I want people to hurt as much as I do. It's weird, I know. I was driving on I-45 and saw a man holding a cigarette out the window. His hand looked like Dad's hand. Not his face, not the car, just that left hand. I didn't want to take my exit. I wanted to follow Dad's hand.

I took my correct exit.

When we packed up my dad's assisted-living,Susie and I divided the remaining items between us. One of the things I ended up with was an almost-full Kleenex box. I bought it for him on July 2nd, when I did the last grocery shopping for him at the Kroger on Echo Lane and I-10. The color of the box doesn't match my house, but when I put it on my bathroom counter I could smell something familiar. My dad's cologne. Over the past few months I've used a tissue or two. Once I realized that the box was getting empty I stopped using them, choosing to go to another room to get a Kleenex. At times, I would instantly grab one from that box and then regret that I had done it. Silly, I know. But, grief is silly and messy and makes you savor one last Kleenex in a box.

The box is empty now. I'll throw it away.... soon. When I'm ready. Ouch. My booboo hurts.

I went to that same grocery store for the first time a few weeks ago. I went to pick up things for dinner, after getting Josh from school. It was hard to not put my usual purchases in the basket: feta cheese, endives, grapes, Stella beer, grape tomatoes, dates, pita bread, juice, etc. As I turned down aisles I saw images of Dad on an electric shopping cart and the 2 of us trying to figure out how to steer it. I chuckled to myself when I got to the magazine aisle where I got Dad stuck. Like Austin Powers driving that golf cart in his movie. Move 2 inches forward, turn as much as possible, reverse. Repeat. Remembering was funny and sad all at the same time.

My wound really hurts. Makes me think of my mom kissing my bruises to make the pain go away.

Thinking about Dad makes me miss Mom as well. I'm a 47 year old orphan. I have no parents. It just doesn't feel right. It's just wrong.

My ouchie, named Hilary is really flaring up. It's coming up on a year since my smart, giggly, talented, stubborn, beautiful, techno geek friend disappeared from our lives. Last Thanksgiving was her last holiday. A year ago this weekend, she had a great time with family, including her brother. She posted about seeing the new Muppet movie. Which makes me think of Zach singing The Rainbow Connection, which makes my throat hurt and my eyes burn.

A year ago, Sunday, I picked up Zoe from cheer practice and got dinner for her and Hilary at Panera Bread. I bought gingerbread man cookies. Hilary ate some of her soup bread bowl and about half of the cookie, while we watched her recordings on DVR. She fell asleep and I just watched her. She opened her eyes and we talked some more.

It's like I'm playing the DVR version of the last week of November and the first week of December of 2011 in my head. It makes me cry. But I can't turn it off. It hurts and feels good all at the same time, kind of like rubbing that canker sore on your tongue with your teeth. You just can't help it.

Sorry, this post is kinda gross. I must have been a surgeon's daughter! :)

I guess this is how I clean out my Hilary wound. It's the path to healing.

I guess Lucy was right. Good grief!

PATHETIC -----> PATH

2012-08-08T14:03:00.000-05:00

Was writing in my journal today...so much crap going on. My dad's death is actually one of the easier things to deal with right now!

Things are worse than ever with Lauren. Don't want to get into details. I'm scared out of my mind. I wrote "PATHETIC" , in all caps, to describe my raw feelings about life right now. The first thing that jumped right out at me was "PATH".

Wow. It took me back. Surprised me. Made me hold my breath for a minute.

PATH

That's not a negative thing. Here I am having a word/feelings dump in my journal and, low and behold, something positive rises to the top.

PATH

I call that God. So many people on this planet call it so many other things... luck, Jehovah, karma, Allah, Divine intervention, shit happens. Doesn't matter to me just as long as I recognize it.

I have struggled so much with my faith for the past few years. I have learned a lot, like... just because I am a Christian doesn't mean life will be rosy, in fact it's destined for challenges, to mold me, have me learn and grow, give me opportunities to practice what I believe, in spite of how I feel. Learned that a church is just a building filled with human beings, all of whom, like me, make mistakes and sometimes don't act with as kind, respectful and loving of a nature as I would have hoped for. To be hurt, rejected and treated badly by some people in my church of 22 years, the only church home I've ever had, has been very painful. But, it made me see more clearly the church family that is not part of that group, the amazing qualities in them that keep them separated from the others and how to be more like them. Taught me to let go of anger and grudges, of expectations I had of others that were not mine to have. It has made my faith in God stronger, much to my surprise.

So many times, thousands of times, I have prayed for L & J to be helped, to have some of/all of their burdens lifted, to have them blessed with peace, grace, gentleness of spirit, body and mind, and soul. I pray for their total healing, just in case God decides to pull another Lazarus or Red Sea. How can I not. I'm a mom desperate to help my children!

PATH

I know many of our prayers have been answered by bringing loved ones and friends, physicians, support people, those able to give love, support, guidance, expertise into our lives.

However, I still feel like our family keeps drawing one of the short straws in life. Not all of them, I know. Just more than our fair share. Sorry but I'm just gonna be honest here. Aren't you tired of finding out the crap that keeps happening in our family? Aren't you just a bit, or more than a bit, afraid to ask us how we're doing? Tired of seeing me cry? ME TOO!

So, when I feel like you and I have had enough of our pity party I retreat. I stop answering the phone. I don't reach out to people. I stay home, in my pj's, and sleep or watch mindless tv to keep me from thinking about the mess that is our life. Rick tells me all the time how grateful he is to be able to go to work, to get away, to rejuvenate, to be in a normal setting where things mostly go well, with people who typically follow the rules of social graces. I am so happy for him to have this. I am so grateful he has such a wonderful job that allows me to not have to work and be able to focus on each crisis. I am envious at the same time.

A silver lining in my Dad's passing, is that now I will have more time to focus on what I need to do to take better care of myself and move on to the next phase of my life. Thank God I can still see the positives.

PATH

PATHETIC = PATH? Depends on what I want to do. I surely do not plan on giving up. I don't want to live at 6422 Pathetic Place all my life. So, I've been presented with a path. What type? I don't know. Where is it going? Have no clue. Am I going down it? You betcha.

Walk and Talk like an Egyptian

2012-07-23T00:43:00.000-05:00

He looked like he was sleeping. A bit pale, a bit cold. I pulled the covers up to his shoulders to keep him warm, and crawled into bed next to him. One last time cuddling with my dad.

My dad always had this habit of falling asleep in his chair, with the remote in one hand, mug of hot tea in the other, and that certain look of his mouth as he began to snore. Susie and I would watch how close his tea would get to being spilled as he relaxed. Most of the time, he managed to hold it together.

Today, he let go. Finally.

I put my hand on his chest. There was no heartbeat, no breathing, not even a tremble. Obviously, its not natural to feel that stillness, that quiet, in a person. But, this was my dad and somehow it just worked. It was like magic. I pictured his heart beating, not in his body, but in his rising spirit, the spirit now as one, at peace, with my mom.

I lay there next to him for a while and cried. Then, Susie, David, Rick and I joined hands with Dad and prayed for the wonderful news of Dad and Mom being together again. I really bawled when David spoke. This "at times too serious" engineer brother-in-law of mine wept as he spoke of my dad and what he meant to him. I'm not surprised. We all know the mushy David is in there. Every word spoken by the 4 of us was just perfect, including the giggles at things remembered, me sneezing in the middle of it, and the funeral director knocking on the door saying they were ready for Dad. The only thing missing was a dog throwing up in the background. My dad would have rolled his eyes in frustration or he might have joined in on the silliness with one of his funny faces. Holy moments can be found everywhere!

During the past few months, Dad has been teaching me this phrase in Arabic. It phonetically sounds like 'Sabah hanoor alal bahnoor', with that ckah noise that comes from the back of your throat (like you're coughing up a hair ball) in just the right places. I learned to say it just right but he wouldn't tell me what it meant! I wondered if he had taught me a bad word and asked him all the time to translate. He just smiled and shook his head. He was happy to hear Arabic being said back to him.

My cousin told me it means 'Good morning, sunshine!'. I bet my dad heard that today as he began his new life in Heaven.

On Friday night, as I stayed with him, he became restless around 4:00 am. He was determined to get out of bed because he had an appendectomy to do. I tried to coax him to lie back down but he told me the anesthesiologist was ready for him. He had an appendectomy to perform. He talked about making a lateral incision in the lower right quadrant, thru the muscle. He told Susie she could scrub in. He talked about anesthesia and analgesia. Susie had to explain that part to me. He said he would do purse-like suturing, so that there would be minimal scaring.

You always return to what you knew first and what you know best!

As family talked today, we realized Dad assisted in saving the lives of 4 family members. He helped my cousin Jana get emergency surgery when the doctors didn't know/wouldn't do further examination to see what was wrong with her. He ordered bloodwork,on a hunch, on my cousin Michelle, and found out she had leukemia. Another cousin's 3 day old baby, Tony, was screaming and not feeding well. He quickly rushed Nevine's newborn into emergency surgery for a strangulated hernia and did a bowel resection. Then, after Rick's heart valve surgery, complications arose on the way home from the hospital. I called the doctor and they said it was probably a reaction to moving around more than usual. I called Dad, he and my Uncle Raouf(an ob/gyn) came over,
diagnosed Rick with severe tachycardia and other heart rhythm problems. Next thing I knew, they picked Rick up, put him in our car, wrapped their arms around him, and cradled his head, while I drove and they yelled in Arabic to any car that dared get in my way.

By the end of this week all 4 of these people, along with everyone else who loved Dad, will gather to say goodbye. What a legacy he has left for us!

I was crying as I started writing this post. I didn't want it to be tomorrow because I didn't want to start my first day without him. Well, it is now after midnight, a new day has begun and I have survived. I get a lot of my strength from my dad. I'll go on, doing the next right thing, each day.

So, in case I don't talk to you tomorrow morning, oops... I mean THIS morning, Sabah hanoor alal bahnoor!

2012-07-19T22:33:00.002-05:00

My dad...

He's dying...

He's more than ready. He's been ready since Sept. 27, 2010, the day my mom passed away. All he ever wanted was to be with my mom... and for them to be happy. That happiness eluded my mom, consequently leaving my dad in the same position. He'll get his wish very soon.

It's been so hard to watch Dad decline. He stares at his hand, the one he did surgery with, the one he saved lives with... only to see that he hasn't been able to even hold a fork since his 4 strokes in early '07. Gone is the independence, the spouse, many friends, the house, the garden, the car, the dog that he cannot care for (Maggie lives with us now). Everything my dad owns is in his small apartment in the assisted living part of The Forum.

Books, magazines, a tv, a plant, a few clothes, meals in the dining room cannot sustain a man. When the body fails, dignity flies out the window and the life spirit dries up, what are you left with? Not a whole lot.

Susie and I have put everything we could into being there for Dad. We wouldn't have it any other way. Dealing with his frustrations, his loneliness, his 3-5 calls per day every day and watching the man who scooped you up as a child fade away is not for the weak. He is SO worth it!

Memories of your hand being so little, and his so big, that all you could hold was his pinky. Memories of falling asleep in the car (well, almost asleep) and knowing that he was going to pick you up in his arms and carry you to bed. Walking you down the aisle, holding your new baby, loving your husband like a son, saying what a fine person you've become and he's proud to be your dad.

Now it's Depends, smoothies because it hurts for him to swallow food, bed changes and morphine drops.

As I've stayed beside him all day today (Susie took yesterday's shift). I have heard him moan a lot. It made me think.... he's had morphine, he says he has no pain... So why all the moaning. I saw the same with my mom and with Hilary, although morphine doesn't do the trick when you're dealing with the cancer monster.

Still, they've all moaned. Made me think... Dying is hard. Letting go is hard. Maybe as you take a step down this new, brightly-lit path and although you feel warm gushy love up ahead your heart moans every time you turn around to look backwards. Leaving behind your loved ones, blue sky, green trees, sounds of a river flowing, hearing a child laugh...all hard. Even if you know where you're going and who will be waiting on the other side, leaving behind all you've ever known is tough business. That would be enough to make me moan.

I don't know how much time he has left. Days.... A week or two...

So here I'll stay, soaking up every ounce of him I can... every freckle, how he furrows his brow, his ear-to-ear smile, how he can still pinch with his toes, his silly voices, him mumbling in Arabic (because you return to what you knew first), the image of me holding his hand, the smell of his cologne, how I probably need to clip his fingernails one last time. ONE LAST TIME!

I'm bracing myself. Calm on the outside, shaking like a leaf on the inside. I've said everything I needed and wanted to say. We both KNOW what a special bond we have.

Parting is but sweet sorrow.

Love you, Dad!!

Love, Bethy

Where is that remote???

2012-07-19T18:53:00.000-05:00

It's time now for THE RAINEY DAYS OF OUR LIVES....we apologize for the interruption of shows.....beyond our control.....system overload

So, on the last few episodes of A Rainey Kind of Day (the Drama channel, daily at 5:00 pm CST, 6:00 pm Eastern, 3:00 pm on the West Coast) Josh was in Utah, Beth and Rick were talking of Lauren going to a program in California and and life was in a lulled, low key turmoil.

Most of you saw the previews on Facebook of upcoming episodes, I'm sure. Lauren left for the OPI program in CA, around the 3rd week of Feb. and Beth and Rick had a month to themselves. Our lead characters did not go jetting off for trips, well, only one to NYC, they did not go out to lavish dinners or party it up with friends. No, they crawled into bed and licked.... Oh, you naughty people. This is not an R rated kind of drama!!! No, they licked their wounds and enjoyed the stillness of their home.

It had been a long time since the house on Sunrise Glen had seen such peace. The rooms no longer echoed with the sounds of slamming doors, disrespectful behavior or tears. The couple enjoyed the quietness and the freedom from worry for the first time in several years. (think back to seasons 1-4)

By the end of March, Josh was ready to return to his homeland. He set his bearded jaw, grabbed his shoe lace-less shoes and jumped back into life. He had never lived at home without his older sister, so a new normal started to emerge. There were dinners for 3, along with nice talks, and therapeutic conversations. School started back up, family therapy resumed and the Raineys felt hope and happiness return to their lives.

However, there was a familiar villain in town. CAMERA 1... Dramatic close up with that spooky music....ACTION! He's hiding around corners and lurking in the back seat of the cars. The Raineys had seen this stalker before. They filed a retraining order (home contracts)and brought in the SWAT team (the Tarnow Center) to rid their lives from this frequent visitor.

DRAMATIC PAUSE.........followed by a message brought to you by the makers of Starbucks, Wellbutrin and dark chocolate.

So, recap... Josh left, Beth cried, Rick hugged Beth, Lauren left, Beth cried, Rick hugged Beth, Beth and Rick rested, Josh returned, and the villain (known well on the
Drama channel as mental illness) was spotted back into the neighborhood. The family knew he never really left in the first place. The Raineys though he might have moved a couple of houses down, but no. That other familiar face turned out to be... DU DU DUUUUUH!...the villain's twin brother, Depression. He looked quite different because he had had a face transplant by Dr. Drake Remoray, and had his hair colored by his stepSister-in-law's half cousin's best friend, named Kitty Von Kat!!!!

As the sands of time drop slowly from the hour glass, the family buckles up, puts on their steeled-toe combat boots and heads into battle, with a crowd of Canuks and Texans waving flags in support.

So.... These are the Rainey Days of Our Lives! Tune in tomorrow to see God Knows Best, the longest running show on cable channel 47 (available all day, every day, in every time zone)!

That's a wrap

72!

2012-01-22T12:21:00.001-06:00

So, I said I would write about marriage, Rainey style. We've been married for over 23 years now, and it definitely has not been easy. In fact, at times I wasn't sure we would make it. And, at the same time, it's been THE BEST relationship I've ever had with another human being and I wouldn't trade it for the world!

When Rick and I met, I was a very different person then. My family can attest to this. It was 1984, my sophomore year of college at UT in Austin. I was not as shy as I was my freshman year but I was still very timid about life and my part in it.

Rick was handsome, funny, charming, did I mention handsome and funny? Yes, I laughed a little too hard at his humor, but sometimes it was because I didn't even understand the reference or joke. I wasn't dumb, just quite sheltered. We'd only been in the US for 2 years, and before that my hometown of Parry Sound, Canada was 5,000 population, we had 3 channels with an antenna/rotar, and our movie theatre played 1 movie for 2 weeks, before the next one came.

Rick introduced me to all kinds of music, like Chicago, U2, etc, more than just the stuff on MTV, back when MTV played music! I saw movies like Clockwork Orange (um, quite shocking for me), Alfred Hitchcock films, the Maltese Falcon, Blade Runner and more. Of course I loved music and movies but my repertoire was more of a pop culture thing.

I learned to better understand and like baseball, have watched every Jim Carrey movie out there (multiple times {SIGH}) and love to eat at James Coney Island and Chik-fil-la all because of this "boy"!

I think the biggest thing Rick did for me was give me confidence. Confidence that I was worth loving, that I had good thoughts, that I was someone worth knowing and listening to. I was severely lacking in these areas and Rick gave me a great gift. In fact he may have created a monster!! I actually still struggle with confidence, but many of you wouldn't know it. Right? Go ahead, it's okay to agree. I know!

I think, in a way, we've switched places. He was the outgoing, funny, social one and I was more reserved, afraid to let people know who I was, very concerned about what people thought of me. Now, I don't mean we've done a complete reversal. I just happen to be the more outgoing, positive, outspoken one and Rick is more reserved. He's not quite sure how i manage to stike up a conversation with people in public and come away knowing that the lady in line at the grocery store has a child with Asperger's, the salesperson at Macy's has a friend whose daughter went to school with Josh or that the pest control guy used to live in the neighborhood of the school I taught in and his neighbor's kid was in my class and is now in college! I know. I'm weird.

Somehow, throughout all of our trials, tribulations, crises, ups and downs, we've managed to stay together. The odds aren't in our favor. Did you know that approx. 80% of marriages fail if just one of the children has a serious mental illness? After all we've gone through, I think it's a miracle were still together.

Thank God for Carol & Steve LaBonte, Dr. Roche and Dr. Tarnow. Because of these fine professionals we've learned to communicate, understand each other and deal better with each others' weaknesses. We've taught each other a lot! I think Rick may have learned more than he ever wanted to know! There's this look that comes over his face, where his eyes glaze over, mouth has this funny tilt to it and I realize that if I don't stop and explain, or just plain stop, he may start to drool.

Or, there are the times when I'm frustrated and have learned, most of the time, to not bite Rick's head off. Like when he can't find something in the pantry. I say "It's on the 3rd shelf from the bottom, on the left side, between the rice and the Mac n' Cheese," and he still can't find it. I walk over, point to it and he swears he looked there.

I think the most important thing about staying married is that you BOTH want the marriage to work more than you want to be right. When we argue and I know I'm wrong I want to apologize, well, most of the time, because I would rather be on the same page with Rick than stand my ground. Not easy, just simple. Put WE ahead of ME.

72. Never had the number 72 tell more about people than during the past few months. Rick and I no longer have to share our anniversary with Kim Kardashian and her newest ex. The number 72, in relation to the number of DAYS they were married, tells us a lot about their character, doesn't it?

How about 72 years! That's almost how long Rick's grandparents, Mema and Papa, have been married. We heard an interesting story about what went on with them on Christmas Day.

So, Papa makes these awesome sweet, hot pickles. He makes them, Mema puts them in jars and they were giving them to some people for presents. Apparently, a few days before Christmas, Papa dropped a jar of pickles, cleaned it up the best he could, being 94 yrs old AND being a man. A day or two later, Mema, who's 90, steps on something sticky, aaaaaand, she's off.....

She's mad that Papa didn't clean it up to her satisfaction, that a jar broke in the first place and that now she's convinced that when Papa broke the other jar, glass shards flew all over and that now there's glass in the sealed pickles jars, on a shelf 5 feet off the ground. Ah, yep! Don't ask! Just trust me that she really believed there was glass in the other unopened pickle jars.

Apparently, this arguement occurs at home, then continues during Christmas dinner and picks up where they left off back at their home later that evening. Rick's uncle gets a frantic phone call from Mema, saying she's locked herself in the bathroom because Papa has gone crazy. Randy heads over and is greeted at the door by Papa, in his jammies, having no clue what's going on. Randy got Mema out of the bathroom, she said they were arguing about the pickles and that Papa couldn't take Mema's nagging any more and he wanted a divorce. Going on 72 years of marriage and he wanted a divorce! Randy worked his magic, as he always does, Papa agreed to calm down and stop scaring Mema, so she wouldn't have to hide in the bathroom, and Mema agreed to not nag Papa so much. They kissed and all was well!

72. It can tell you a lot. I hope we make it to 72. We just might!

Love you, Ricky. You stud-muffin, you!

Stand By - There's More to Come

2012-01-09T00:04:00.000-06:00

Some posts that will make their blog debut in the near feature:

* some winter/snow awesome memories

* marriage, Rainey style

* update on our kids

* whatever else creeps into this wild brain of mine!

Ta Ta for now.

Like Unzipped Pair of Jeans! Aahhhhhh!

2012-01-08T23:48:00.002-06:00

Did you know we're moving? Yes, tis true! To a colony. Check it out...

http://m.youtube.com/index?desktop_uri=%2F&gl=US#/watch?v=thp4KhiXe0s"
YouTube > Colony-of-Losers.com presents "Come out, Come Out Wherever You Are"

Thanks to my cousin, Neil, for sharing with me!

It's been weird since Josh went to Utah. We went from many people having no idea the extent of Josh's mental illness, bipolar disorder, to being completely open about his and Lauren's struggles. We just talk about it as if it's a common place thing. And, actually, it is!

*"Approximately 57.7 million Americans experience a mental health disorder in a given year. One in 17 lives with a serious mental illness such as schizophrenia, major depression or bipolar disorder and about one in 10 children live with a serious mental or emotional disorder"

*NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) www.nami.org

There is a freedom that's come from sharing with others about our life. I don't feel the stigma of mental illness on our family. I feel unburdened. Unashamed. Understood better. Don't get me wrong. I'm not, nor have ever been, ashamed of my children. I love them to pieces. I know you know that.

I guess it's like wearing a tight article of clothing. You feel okay wearing it, but when you unzip or take it off, you realize how constricted you were. I feel like a stomach "coming out" of an unzippered pair of jeans. Free!

Free to be just who and what we are, as a family, as parents, as human beings. Not holed up in our house afraid to talk about our issues, afraid that we'd be a total drag to our friends because we have nothing but our screwed up lives to share (Come on, you know it's true. You ARE afraid to ask 'How's it going?') hehehe!

But, I haven't been totally honest. I know you LOVE IT when I'm totally honest, right!!!

It's not just my kids that are moving to the colony. It's me too. Ive suffered with major depression for a few years now. At first, we (me, Rick, Dr. Roche, Dr. Tarnow) thought it was situational. I mean who wouldn't be out of their mind living our life! It's been a battle since 1995, getting worse in 2003, and really been a "neverending pit of crap" since 2007! 'Tis true, I'm afraid to say. So true.

Who knows! Maybe one day I won't feel depressed. Not holding my breath here. In this case, the apple didn't fall far from the tree with my parents, to me and to the kids. Um, to Rick's family... you're DNA is not off the hook either! :) Regardless of where "It" came from, we've just gotta deal. Like I've said before, MENTAL ILLNESS SUCKS!

But, I know my kids and I are not the only ones. There are a lot of people out there going thru some of,or worse than, our struggles.

So... like Michael Kimber says 'COME OUT, COME OUT WHEREVER YOU ARE'! The colony is certainly not always the best or easiest community to live in, but you won't be alone, you've got some pretty awesome neighbors and you might just be inspired! AND, no tight jeans are allowed!

All For Her

2011-12-11T22:31:00.002-06:00

Like the hat? I love it! Why, because it belonged to Hilary. It's hers, but I've been wearing it lately.

You see, for the last few months, since August, I've been busy. Not just with regular stuff, or regular Rainey stuff, but with helping my friend as she died. What a horrible and holy labor of love!

I'm sure you can guess why it was horrible. I hate cancer! It took my lively, bubbly, determined, beautiful friend and filled her every moment with fear, pain, and agony. I watched as she took chemo and radiation, vomited and had exhaustion, endured pulmonary embolisms (which we realized began in my car but we figured she was dizzy and out of breath because she had been in her hospital bed too long), and have pain so bad that OxyContin and oxycodone together couldn't touch it. She was such a fighter. She called that part of herself "Heidi". You did NOT want to mess with Heidi! Hilary/Heidi fought so hard against the illness, for herself, for Wayne, Zach and Zoe. She was so determined to not leave her family behind. At the end she fought with every breath.

So, what's holy about all of this? Watching Hilary say "I love you too!" to her kids right up to the last day, even though she had been almost non-responsive since Monday. Watching Wayne hold her hand and gaze at her, with tears in his eyes. When he had to give her pain meds and needed her to wake up a bit, he'd call her name, she would stir almost immediately, in some fashion, her eyelids would flutter and Wayne would say, with a big smile on his face "There's my girl!". He hardly left her side during the last few weeks. I watched their cats hover around her hospital bed, especially on the last day. We had to keep moving them off of her legs. Animals are a lot smarter than we give them credit for. What holy moments I saw!

Had a few myself, while holding her hand, rubbing lotion on her bald head to get rid of the itchies, trimming and filing her nails because she didn't like her nails long, and because she knew how fastidious I am about fingernails. :) I talked, hoping she could hear me (pretty sure she did), about the day, how Zoe's cheer practice went, anything I wanted to say to her. Listened to music Wayne had set up on her laptop for her to hear. Switched the Pandora channel from worship music to Journey a few times.

The last thing Hilary, Wayne and the kids needed was me bawling my eyes out. Hilary didn't like crying, or the sad puppy-dog eyes she would get as a cancer patient while out in public. She was fighting it and she wanted no pity! So, i sucked it up and was my friend's friend. I felt very blessed to be let in, to help. The family did me such a great honor by allowing me to help them, be there, do chores, drive places and be Hilary's friend up until the end. I saw my main role as Hilary's comedian. She and I laughed and reminisced about children's choir, UM ARMY, youth choir trips, our children, you name it! We sang a few children's choir songs, talked about the Journey/REO Speedwagon concert Amy, Hilary and I went to, and scavenger hunts with youth!

And then there was the hat. We both loved Sesame Street and The Muppets from our childhood and could, at any moment break into this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8N_tupPBtWQ

Hilary had lots of hats and scarves to keep her head warm and covered. They were in a basket attached to her bed and were useful props for our laughing sessions. Last Monday night, I was wearing the Oscar the Grouch hat. Hilary opened her eyes, looked at me and said sarcastically "You look beautiful, Beth!". That was the last time she talked to me.

The service today was so beautiful. Kathy's beautiful words, Amy's solo, the beautiful music sung by a loving choir family, the pink roses, Wayne wrapping his strong arms around his children, Zoe's poem, Zach singing/playing 'The Rainbow Connection' (the Steinerts and Tim, Hilary's brother, went to see the new Muppets movie recently. Hilary sweetly cried during this song). She didn't cry today. She was the proudest mom in Heaven, watching her children's loving tributes to her.

At the reception, the Oscar the Grouch hat and her Cheshire Cat hat were on a table of pictures and other mementos. I put on one and Amy wore the other. I must have been a sight! I had cried off all my makeup, looked exhausted and wore this crazy hat on my head. Doesn't matter to me. We did it for Hilary, to laugh with our friend, all the way to the end of her journey.

Thank you, Wayne, Zoe and Zach. Thanks, Hilary. I love you.

Polar Opposites? Maybe not!

2011-12-01T02:06:00.001-06:00

There's a lot on my mind tonight. Feeling kind of numb. What I AM aware of is that there is something to be learned in everything and there's beauty and love in every crisis.

Today I witnessed absolute love and devotion in the midst of a life in the process of passing on. There was such beauty in every touch, word spoken, hand held, glance met. I've never experienced things like this before. Truthfully, I'm stunned and kind of having an out-of-body moment. How can there possibly be something magnificent in the middle of death?

A lot of people have there own opinions and answers. Mine is a 3-letter word. GOD! Who else could give me such a sense of wonder?

As I drove home tonight I noticed how black the sky is, and how bright and beautiful the moon and stars are. If I hadn't been overwhelmed and not needed any extra stimuli, I probably would have had the radio or iPod playing, rushing to get home. Instead I was silent (ya, I know. Hard to believe!!) and driving slowly (hush now!). Only in that space could I see the sky and the Heavens, the silhouette of huge oak trees and... a falling star.

Thank you, God, for this night, for what I witnessed, the precious moments with someone very near and dear to my heart and soul and the special bond we have that goes beyond words and, if I'm lucky, beyond this earthly realm. I will treasure this always!

To Quote Sponge Bob...

2011-11-26T20:04:00.000-06:00

DBT. Dialectical behavioral therapy. This is a specific type of therapy helpful with Josh and Lauren's diagnoses, it's what they do at Youth Care in Utah and what Lauren and I are studying at The Tarnow Center. We then teach it to Rick so we all know the info.

Radical Acceptance. Accepting that at this specific time and place, this is where I am and how things are. Sounds easy. Not really.

I have a lot of things I need to accept. You'd think I'd have already done that by now, but that's not totally true. I have come to realize, and be ok with, many situations but I have a long way to go.

One of the things I've accepted is the situation in which I grew up in and know, REALLY know my parents loved me and did the best they could. I am at peace with all of that. Because of my radical acceptance of this situation, I could give my mom the love, care and understanding she needed her last few years and why I can be there for Dad now. I'm very grateful for it, as I know with my mom, and will know with my dad when he's gone, that I did all I could for them, with no regrets.

I thought I had accepted my kids' diagnoses. However, recently I came to the realization that I was under the impression that if I worked my tail off giving them all possible opportunities to learn healthy life tips and coping strategies while young, they would have SOME difficulties but be much less affected.

I was wrong!

They still are in anguish, with more serious life situations, and I'm having trouble accepting this fact. I really don't WANT to accept it, tbh. Hehehe. Like that? See i'm still hip. I know what tbh is! Except I think that saying 'I'm hip' negates it all.

Ok. What was I saying?

This is a new level of grief, I think. Somehow my mind messed with me, or maybe it was my heart, that said if I did everything possible for Lauren and Josh they would be just like everyone else's teenagers. I know, I know!!! But typical sounds wonderful to me!

This is an example of not having radical acceptance! Now, life as it is, with both kids struggling, is the truth staring me down. I don't like it at all.

We got thru Thanksgiving without Josh. I only had 1 small tearful moment, but then it was time to go volunteer at George R Brown, and then pick up Dad. Glad Dr. Roche suggested volunteering. Really took me out of my thoughts.

But now, I don't want to decorate for Christmas. Josh isn't here and he should be! How can I decorate, how can we do the tree without all 4 of us here, drinking egg nog, listening to Johnny Mathis's Christmas album? It seems like I shouldn't do it because he won't be here to enjoy it. I'm being mean by having Christmas without him here.

THIS is radical acceptance! Josh is NOT here. Rick, Lauren and I are. I can't sit and feel sorry for myself. I need to be here for my husband, daughter and dad. Christmas is coming whether I like it or not. We will see Josh in Utah for a few days but he won't be home.

Please don't tell me to be grateful for what I DO have. I'm not trying to be rude, just honest. I do know what I'm lucky to have. Mostly we're blessed that Josh is still alive and is in an excellent facility, helping him to recover. That's my present. Insurance is paying in full, for now. That's a huge blessing. Also, Lauren is willing to work on her "stuff" and hopefully a job will come through for her, to keep her on a regular schedule and give her a sense of accomplishment.

Que sera sera. I always did think Doris Day was a little too perky.

I have other issues to come to terms with that affect me hugely. Some family issues; NO, not the growing up ones, more recent ones! Keep up with me, okay??

Some family relationships are not as I'd wish. Yea, I know, you're saying "Get over it, Beth! What else is new!" Easier said than done, right? I need to let go, take things AS THEY ARE, and not have expectations. Damn that radical acceptance!

Are you thinking right about now that I'm addicted to exclamation marks? I'm realizing that, too! Oops, too.

A giant struggle for me is accepting the diagnosis of cancer of one of my best friends. I can't wrap my brain and heart around the fact that she's 3 months younger than me. She's in pain and no one can fix that, no matter how hard her loving husband, kids, friends and doctors try. I am cherishing every moment(like putting on compression hose), smile, giggle, phone call and text we share. It's still not enough. It won't EVER be enough!!!!!!!

Radical Acceptance = Being ok with life not being fair

I also need to accept that people are going to hurt me. Not everyone will like me, in fact some people might just really dislike me. People pleasing is sooo hard to rid! (I really meant that exclamation mark)

Our family is dealing with a crisis of faith. Not going to our church of 22 years anymore is a real loss. Huge! Needed to happen, been struggling with making that decision for a long time. I need to accept this, and realize that God is everywhere, even in a new church (kinda silly, huh?)

Im trying so hard to not be on a giant pity potty. Some times are better than others. Working on it. Geez, I hate working so hard! I know many feel as I do. I'm not alone.

This is where you all come in. I've really isolated myself from life the last year or so. Especially the last 8 months. Not good for the depression, ya know. Yes, I'm such a 'clevah' girl.

We had friends over for dinner last Sunday and after they left, Rick and I realized we haven't had anyone over to our home since Mom's funeral. Heather, Patti, Emily and Trey - you have no idea how special it was to have you over and what a great time we had!!

I've been trying to put myself out there and get back into life, as of the last month. Seen many of you for the 1st time in a long while. I loved every minute and I miss you all. I know I need you. However, I have these thought that hold me back. Who would want to be around such a miserable person? Not me? Who is brave enough to ask us "How are things going?" Hehehe, I wouldn't. So I hide in my room. A lot!

Radical acceptance- Quit being so miserable, Beth! I actually am working on that. Will take time to build up my confidence. But as Sponge Bob says, "I'm ready! I'm ready!"

Thanks, you guys :) Thanks, God :) Thanks, Radical Acceptance. :p

There's Humor in Everything!

2011-11-07T16:47:00.000-06:00

So, Rick said to me the other day he wants a tattoo that represents our life or our current state of mind. I jokingly asked of what. He wants a toilet, with a bat sitting on it. The bat will have this wild looking face.

Ya, you guessed it!!! Bat Sh#t Crazy!

I just nodded my head.

P.S. See, I told you I wouldn't be all whiney and mopey!! Just honest! :p

Be Prepared for the Dumping Ground Ahead!

2011-11-01T00:38:00.000-05:00

So, I know I've been pretty quiet since we took Josh. It was an extremely hard day and I just couldn't. Well, couldn't do much of anything.

We took Josh for a 9:00 am check-in and were there about 2 1/2 hours. I thought I was going to have trouble leaving him with strangers, but these people are amazing. Right away I could see how professional and yet down-to-earth they were. We found out that the psychiatrist that will meet with Josh once a week, watch over him medically and manage of his meds knows Dr. Tarnow (his dr. here) and at some point in the past worked with him. That is so reassuring, especially as they will be in contact with each other.

After we turned in all of our paperwork (18 pages on-line and 46 pages to hand in), we got a tour. There are 4 houses on the property and Josh will be in his house, with his "new family" the whole time. The kids sleep, eat, have group and individual therapy, go to school, etc. all within the home. They have outdoor P.E. everyday, and what a place to be outdoors! Draper is a suburb south of Salt Lake City and sits in a valley between 2 mountain ranges. Josh will have the opportunity to ski, go snowboarding, hike and skate at the Olympic ice rink. Glad I talked him into a REAL winter coat, not a Houston winter coat.

I held it together until the very end, but that goodbye was horrible. Josh did well with it. It was all me. He hardly slept the night before and mentioned several times that he was scared but once we'd been there a while he was ok staying. He was the one consoling me. I kept my hand over my mouth because I could feel that huge sobs were going to come out. Of course my eyes cried like a fountain that I couldn't stop. After several minutes Rick said we needed to go. I found myself frozen, unable to move. My feet could not move, even though I knew it was time to leave. Rick had to pull me to get me to move. We got out the front door, out of eyesight and ear shot of anyone and then I myself was a bit taken back on the sobs/screams coming out of my mouth. One of the hardest things I've ever done.

We went back to the hotel and just napped and looked at each other with glances of "How the hell did we get here". Rick was so good about taking care of me, so loving and nurturing! The only other time I lost it was the next day, as we were driving to the airport. But, we KNOW Josh is in the right place, being well taken care of. We can't talk to him until this coming Sunday, but we can get updates any time. He's adjusting fine and all seems to be going in the right direction.

I want to thank all of you for the many messages of support, the prayers and the love sent our way. It means so much! Mental illness is such a lonely path. If we talked about all of our problems, that have been high intensity for at least the past 4-5 years, we would be the dreariest people in Texas. So, Rick and I keep most of our problems to ourselves (except for close family and 1 or 2 friends) and have found ourselves very withdrawn lately.

Besides keeping you informed about our family's journey, I hope that each of you learns at least one thing about families living with mental illness! My son is as sick as someone with a life-threatening disease. In fact, his very life has been in danger and that's why we took him to the best place we could find. However, many people just don't think of it this way and don't want to talk about it. I am determined to be different.

I am NOT ashamed of my kids' diagnoses. They are types of brain disorders, which are physical in nature. My kids are not behaving in this way because they want to. With brain chemicals all out of whack and having a brain that is not typical (better word than "normal") in its wiring imagine how you would feel. My kids suffer a lot and, in turn, act out, which makes mine and Rick's life unbelievably hard. My kids see their friends, what limited ones they have (takes an extraordinary young person to stand up for and be there for them), going off to college or being very successful in school, being invited to all kinds of things, watch them have cars, dates, and most importantly, pride in who they are and a bright outlook on their future. We want that for our kids, just like you, but so far that has not really happened.

Please don't think I'm incredibly bitter. At times I feel a little bitter, more like envious of our friends' and family's more typical family lives. I also know that many of you have had no picnic raising some of your kids. I try to stay positive but sometimes it's hard when the only good thing going for us is that a dr. is on our insurance or " at least he got one of the best doctors in the hospital."

Is it so wrong to want more? Is it bad to not want our kids to do therapy and follow ups for much of their adult lives? I don't think so. It's also ok if we would like to spend money on family fun things, instead of private school tuitions we've paid since 2005, therapy for our whole family several times a week, medication co-pays that are huge because they each have 3-4 meds, and so on.

I'm so sorry to dump on you like this. This is just NOT the way I pictured my life. Watching my children hurt is every parents' nightmare and we've been doing it for over a decade.

I would like you to see the many blessings you have in front of you, that maybe you are or are not aware of. Be grateful for having to deal with your kid and his/her many after school activities. That means they fit in and have things to look forward to and be a part of. Be grateful for the busy times when your child needs to be at 3 birthday parties all in one weekend. That means they have many friends and are accepted socially. Be grateful for late curfews, car wrecks, progress reports and Homecoming/prom drama because that means you're dealing with typical teenage issues. I know I'm happy for you! I really mean that!

I promise I'll be more upbeat next posting. Pinky swear!

Love you all and thanks for "listening to" my crap. I needed to get that out, I guess. Thanks for the support, messages, texts, etc. They've really helped Rick and me during the last several days. If you want, please try to comment here, rather than on Facebook. I'm trying to keep my FB postings drama-free and a bit more private. I really appreciate that.

Beth <3

Talk to My Heart!!

2011-10-25T23:19:00.003-05:00

So, our family could use some extra prayers right about now. Tomorrow, Rick and I will face a very difficult situation; leaving Josh at a residential mental health facility in Utah. My poor sweet boy has gone through the wringer and he needs more help than what we can provide.

Let me start by telling you that I asked Lauren and Josh if I could write about these issues and they graciously gave their permission. I'm just telling my thoughts and feelings, but it's about their journey, which is not easy. I'm very proud of my children and how they deal with these serious issues.

Have I told you lately how much mental illness sucks!!!

Josh has not been doing well for several months now. His mood swings, depression, coping skills and thought process are out of control, leading us to have to admit him to a hospital for 8 days. God bless him, he worked his tail off in there and made real progress, but not enough to keep him safe and on an upward trend towards a regular life.

Through our wonderful doctors at The Tarnow Center, we have contracted with an educational consultant, whom will work with us over the next year to get the best care for Josh. Right now this means this residential facility. It's not a hospital, but a secure home setting with only 16 beds. Josh will receive intensive group and individual therapy, as well as have his educational needs met with an accredited program that meets his learning differences. Oh, did I mention snowboarding and hiking!! There are some perks!

Josh's length of stay depends on his progress and, much to our chagrin, what the insurance co. will approve. The typical length of stay is around 3-4 months. We'll have weekly staffings with Josh and his therapists via Skype, be able to talk to him on the phone and visit him at least once a month.

It's just not enough for my hurting heart.

How do I say goodbye tomorrow? How do I turn over my broken boy to strangers? How will he cope? Will he be scared and I won't be there to comfort him? I've only cried twice so far, and I pretty much did everything possible to squeeze back the tears, for fear that if I really start crying I won't be able to stop. Josh, and maybe Rick, is taking cues from me on how to deal with this seemingly impossible, yet necessary task. I can't fall apart yet. Too much to do!

So, I sit here in a hotel room in Salt Lake City, after a whirlwind of planning, completing forms, buying REAL winter coats, looking at Josh sleeping for the last time for a while. It's all happened so fast. From the time we made the decision to now has been 5 days. Good thing, because it hasn't left me much time to cry.

Josh has taken this move quite well. I'm really proud of him! He was a bit taken back at first, and took out his apprehensions on what he could and couldn't bring from the packing list. No t-shirts with band logos (what, no Beatles shirts!!!)and no iPod is hard for him, as music is very calming, but they have allowed Josh to bring his acoustic guitar. Thank God for that! Seriously! He started expressing his fear of going a little yesterday and all I can do is say "I know, honey. We'll be with you every step". I know he's freaked out because I've gotten lots of hugs and he's even held my hand a few times (his decision). BIG sigh!!!!

This is hard on Lauren as well. Hard for her to process it all and cope with her feelings. She is with my sister (thanks, Susie!), who thankfully came out to pick up Lauren so we had one less thing to manage. Watching them say goodbye was ... Ugh. No crying now!

We check in tomorrow at 9:00 am and we'll see what awaits us. I'm anticipating I'll be returning to the hotel with puffy eyes and a red nose, but that's a given. I KNOW we are doing the right thing for Josh and that this is the RIGHT facility for him. I just feel it. All Rick and I have ever wanted is for our children to lead healthy, productive, meaningful lives while managing their mental illnesses, as they will nned to for the rest of their lives. Just what all of you guys want for your kids, hopefully without that last part. Can I tell you again that mental illness sucks!!!

These goals for our son are only reachable by taking this path right now. I know that. Someone just tell my heart, ok?

2010-02-12T13:25:00.000-06:00

Yea, yea. I know, it's been a while.

So, I'm driving Lauren to school. That is always an adventure in itself. Miss Someone has already woken up on the usual grumpy side of the bed. Stomp, stomp, stomp. "Where are my earrings?" Stomp, stomp, stomp. "I can't find my jacket!" Stomp, stomp, stomp. "I can put as much sugar on my cereal as I want to!" et cetera, et cetera. What a lovely start to my day!

The joyfulness continues in the car. There is slamming of purses and backbacks, grumbling, etc and I can quickly tell how the next hour of my morning will go. As I pull out of the neighborhood this thought pops into my head to tell Lauren that I love her. So, I say "I love you, Lauren."

She turns her head with this look of "What the heck did you did you just say?" on her face. I said it again and she threw her arms down by her sides and gave this giant 'harumph' sound. She said "Why did you say that to me?" and I told her "Because I do". I told her I love her when she's sweet and kind and I love her when she's grumpy and snarky too.

She sat still for a moment and then ............. she relaxed and her whole demeanor changed. The rest of our trip was pleasant and enjoyable. Can I get a BIG Amen to that!!

As Lauren got out of the car she turned to me and said, "Thanks for driving me to school, Mama. Have a good day. See you later."

I guess what goes around really does come around. Have a good day, people!

"He's Not Finished With Me Yet!" - to quote a Heath

2009-11-16T15:05:00.010-06:00

You know how you think back to something you wish you'd never done/said? I have many of those moments and just cringe when I think of things I'm not so proud of.

I often think about those times, as I watch Lauren and Josh go about their daily lives. Being the typical (in most aspects) teenagers that they are I hear them say things to people or do things that I can't believe. Don't get me wrong, my kids are great! For the most part, Rick and I are the ones that get the brunt of things from them. But..............like all youth, and some adults, with an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex, L and J lose their cool and blurt out something rude, crass or uncalled for. Sometimes I say something, which of course is met with a 'lovely' response from them, but most of the time it just needs to pass away as quickly as it came out. Ugh.

That's when I reflect back to my own actions and words when I was younger, and ... not so young. Double ugh! But, that's where my new favorite song comes in.

Have you heard of Brandon Heath? You HAVE GOT to hear his song Wait and See! Click on the link and you'll find 2 places, the song and the video, where you can hear it.

What does it say? I've highlighted my favorite parts of the lyrics:

I was born in Tennessee
Late July humidity
Doctor said I was lucky to be alive

I been trouble since the day that I got here
Trouble to the day that I disappear
That will be the day
That I finally get it right

CHORUS:
There is hope for me yet
Because God won't forget
All the plans He's made for me.
I'll have to wait and see
//He's not finished with me yet//

I never really was that good in school
I talked too much broke the rules
Teachers thought I was a hopeless fool alright.

I don't know how but I made it through
It's one of those things that you got to do
I always had a knack for telling the truth

CHORUS

Still wondering why I'm here
Still wrestling with my fear
But Oh! He's up to something

But the farther out I go
I see enough to know
That I'm not here for nothin'
He's up to somethin'

So now's my time to be a man
Follow my heart as far as I can
No tellin' where I'm endin' up tonight

I never slow down or so it seems
But singing my heart is one of my dreams
All I got to do is hold on tight

There is hope for me yet
Because God won't forget
All the plans He's made for me
I'll have to wait and see
////He's not finished with me yet////

God has plans for me. I have no idea what they are. Most of the time I'm only aware of what God doesn't have planned for me. Sometimes I don't like those plans and therefore, react. The older I get I do realize that God does have something in store for me, more than I'm doing now. But I really do have to wait and see!

God isn't finished with Lauren or Josh or Rick or me! Thank God for that! We're a family holding on tight to our faith that there is some amazing future plan for each one of us. I just know it!

I Gotta Feelin'... Woo hoo, Boo hoo

2009-11-16T11:27:00.000-06:00

So, I was just sitting on my couch, drinking coffee, trying to catch up on some shows on the DVR before anything else gets erased for lack of memory space. I flipped through my recordings of Oprah and they had the behind the scenes stuff from her opening show for this season, where she had the Black Eyed Peas singing their song "I Got a Feeling". Over 20,000 people totally surprised Oprah with a 'flash mob dance' (I had to look that up!) for the song.

I sat there watching the dance, after seeing it on the opening show and again on YouTube, with the biggest smile on my face and singing along. Pretty typical Beth, right? I love the whole thing; the song, the band, the synchronized movement of the crowd and watching Oprah realize what was happening and then get totally into it. I started tearing up, which is something that I do when I'm happy or sad. I thought I was happy....

All of a sudden I found myself crying for real. Not happy tears but something coming up out of me. It happened yesterday in church too. Tears came from 'nowhere!' and wouldn't stop. Have you ever really noticed how connected happy and sad emotions are? Of course, I'm wondering what my tears are about, but it's also fascinating to me how my emotions went from joy and happiness (that's how I feel when I experience music I like) to sorrow so quickly.

Maybe music is like alcohol, it accentuates whatever emotion is most present at the moment.

So, being the mental health advocate that I am learning to become, I went to the internet to see what researchers say about the most powerful organ in the human body: the brain! Here's what I found...

From an article published by The Society for Neuroscience - "Brain activity during these tasks showed involvement of brain areas typically associated with the generation of emotions and areas that control motor behavior. Listening to self-selected happy and sad musical selections also produced brain activity associated with emotions and music processing.

So, there it is. It's all in the hardwiring! Fascinating, isn't it. Complicated and confusing, isn't it! It's a wonder that anyone is "typical/normal". What a miracle!

Now, not to be ignored is the job to ponder over what's getting to me.........hmmm, so many choices, so little time!

My political views - part 2

2009-11-04T15:40:00.001-06:00

So, let me begin today with the knowledge that many of the things Obama is doing now have been done by past presidents, including Presidents Bush, Clinton, Bush (the dad), Reagan, etc. I know they had czars, I know there was controversy, I know there were illegal things that went on. Why do people who argue for Obama say things like "Well, Bush did that!" Actually, that is a favorite phrase among Obama supporters. Let's blame everything on Bush! Well, get over yourselves. Bush is long gone. Be a mature, responsible gov't and take responsibility for your actions. I personally was quite upset with how things went during the last 1-2 years of Bush's administration. Like I said yesterday, I'm an equal opportunity offender kind of gal! It doesn't matter WHO YOU ARE, WRONG IS WRONG!

The problem I have with Obama and Friends is the word twisting, the deceit, the blame game, and most of all, the arrogance. Ultimate arrogance. Does Obama and his administration really believe that we will fall for it? Well, the answer is........... yes, many people do believe in him. Not as many as before, including many democrats that have reversed their thinking. A lot of the problem is the media, TV and newspaper, that refuse to report anything against Obama, unless forced to. People can't be upset about things if they don't know what's happening. I'm not saying that if you believe in Obama you are uninformed. Not at all. Yet, how can people support an administration that has done the things this one has? Do you think that Americans would stand behind and support Bush if he had:

* flubbed his lines if the teleprompter wasn't working (actually, Bush was constantly ridiculed for this); even Joe Bidden teases about Obama needing his teleprompter

* ignored the American people at every rally (with no arrests, not even garbage on the ground!) and instead said he didn't even know that rallies were occurring , there were protests in over 750 cities nationwide on April 15, 2009 with thousands at each of the larger rallies, even thought many news casts under reported the attendance

* actually, when Cindy Sheehan and about 50 others protested President Bush about the war in Iraq, this is what he had to say, ' "Listen: I sympathize with Mrs. Sheehan. She feels strongly about her position. And she has every right in the world to say what she believes. This is America. She has a right to her position," Mr. Bush said.'

* Bush acknowledged Mrs. Sheehan's right to protest. Obama administration called protesters astro-turf (thanks, Nancy Pelosi!), UnAmerican, racist, ignorant, Nazi's & "tea baggers", I actually had to ask Josh what that meant. It's such a gross boy locker room thing!!! And yes, our president, other elected officials and news reporters called the American people these words. Shameful!

"Obama then mocked the right wing’s tea bagger gatherings for their misplaced anger and, indirectly, Fox News for promoting them: OBAMA: "So, you know, when you see, you know, those of you who are watching certain news channels, on which I’m not very popular, and you see folks waving tea bags around, let me just remind them that I am happy to have a serious conversation about how we are going to cut our health care costs down over the long term how we’re going to stabilize social security. [...] [L]et’s not play games and pretend that the reason is because of the Recovery Act because that’s just a fraction of the overall problem that we’ve got."

* how about the double standards that many Americans are okay with. Not Me!

* made positive statements about Hugo Chavez, Fidel Castro & Mahmoud Ahmadinejad; when Chavez and Castro think you are a liberal, then you are WAAAAAY left

* seemingly aligning himself away from Israel

* trying to silence Fox News- Check out this story from the Associated Press. Here's the first paragraph of the story: 'The Obama administration allowed a Fox News Channel reporter to interview Treasury Department "pay czar" Kenneth Feinberg after other network news executives said they wouldn't use a pool arrangement to speak to him unless Fox was included.

* global warming/climate change - We have laws and regulations in place/more to come to help our planet. I love nature, animals, fresh water; hey where I grew up outside WAS my home, was my playmate and my entertainment. But, there are just some things that are being beaten to death. Carbon footprints. I understand the science behind it. However, the people (Gore, a lot of Hollywood and Washington) yelling the loudest about it are the ones with the biggest footprints!

Okay, I think I'm going to pop a gasket! Have you heard about pet carbon footprints? Oh yes! Our PETS are now also responsible for hurting the earth. Check out this website: Get the 'green' poop bags: Eliminate plastic grocery bags and shop for corn-based, biodegradable poop bags. A pack of 100 bags from Poopbags.com costs around $20

It might sound strange but a research carried out by two New Zealanders has unearthed a startling fact – dogs are a danger to the health of our planet. A medium sized dog has carbon footprints that are comparable to that of a Toyota Land Cruiser that does 6000 miles per year! The article even talks about the ecological fin-print of a goldfish is equal to that of 2 cellphones.

So we are supposed to be concerned about the fin-print of a goldfish when China, Pakistan, India and many other countries with a high industrial population have no plans to change their ecological ways?

I am one of those who doesn't believe in global warming. I choose to believe the many, many SCIENTISTS that have disproven it over Al Gore, whose movie "An Inconvenient Truth" has been proven to have over 20 lies in it, makes millions of dollars for his campaign. Even ABC's Diane Sawyer was harsh on him about the money he is profiting from his opinions! What kind of funds are the real scientists making, hmm?

Now, climate change is another thing. There is no doubt that our world's climate is changing. I have no problem recycling my garbage, trying to reduce and reuse, etc. I do take issue with those who tell me I must buy certain lightbulbs (try disposing of them), buy a green car, etc.

Hey, wasn't it back in the 70's when scientists said that the world was heading for an ice age! I grew up in Canada and remember thinking that we would be affected a lot sooner than others because we were so far up North.

So, I've said a lot of things here. Now you know where I stand! Maybe you think differently of me now, maybe you are angry for me stating my opinions and stating many, many facts. Well, if you do then that's your problem. I don't think less of you for yours! But, please don't ignore facts! If you don't think my facts are correct, please, by all means disprove me. Send me a comment on this blog and let me know where I messed up. Seriously, I am mature enough to handle it if I am wrong. I will post a correction and it won't be on the back page, baby!

Tomorrow, I'll post some pics of Rick, myself and the kids at Houston's Tea Party rally this past Monday night. It was a great event for us.

I wonder what will happen when I wear my tea party rally t-shirt out in public?

I love you all, you democrats, republicans, liberals, conservatives, independents & socialists! :)

It's Election Day - I elect to voice my political opinion!

2009-11-03T14:31:00.034-06:00

Just starting this post gives me a little anxiety about how it will be received. Why? Because I don't like to create controversy. Ha, you might say! 'Helloooooo, Beth? Do you know yourself at all!!' No really, it's true. I don't like to start it and I don't think I do. I have beliefs, opinions, a moral compass and take a firm stance on issues that matter to me. That's my God-given and citizen right that I choose to exercise. See, I do exercise! If others believe that I am controversial that's their opinion and I'm totally okay with that.

Politics is a scary topic. I have close friends and some family that are liberal, vote democratic & support President Obama. Their reasons vary but none the less, we do not share many of the same views. By no means do I want to alienate them or be divisive. You see, I continue to fight being a people-pleaser. Just check out some of those "personality tests" I've done on Facebook! :)

A year ago today (well, actually Nov. 4th 2008; but last Election Day) I believe that something terrible happened to our country. I knew that Obama would be elected! Rick still held out hope for John McCain but I knew that people were too angry about the war, too angry about our economy and hated President George W. Bush. I knew that Americans were sick and tired of older white men leading our country and that's mostly what the Republican Party gave us to choose from. I was prepared for the results, or so I thought!

I was so wrong! And here I thought Hillary Clinton would divide our country!

Little did I know that our White House administration (Obama, Rahm Emanuel, Tim Geithner, Janet Napolitano, etc., would become so, so, so........ what's the right word. I'm not entirely sure. Here are issues that have frightened me and stuck with me about what "hope and change" have done to our country. This goes for the House and Senate as well, including their illustrious figure heads.

I'll premise this with the fact that some of Obama politics are not new. They've been around for decades and that republicans and conservatives are also just as guilty of such reckless behavior. I take an equal opportunity offender position. If you mess up, regardless of who you are, you should be gone!

Remember, WE VOTE THEM IN! THEY ARE NOT OUR BOSSES! THEY WORK FOR US! Almost all of them, Republican and democrat alike, have forgotten it. And its days like today where we get to VOTE THEM OUT, too.

So, back to the issues that have really struck a nerve with me over the last 9-10 months:

* the way they are going about closing Gitmo; ummm, hello? If other countries don't want these political terrorists (oh sorry, I don't think we're allowed to use that word "terrorist" now) and refuse to take them off of our hands, doesn't that send a message? Who wants Khalid Shaikh Mohammed (remember the killing of Daniel Pearl, remember 9/11), now that his trial being delayed was one of the 1st things Obama did

* lies, lies, lies - how about no pork barrel spending, or no earmarks on bills (then we got over 900 of them), how about trying to reach across "the aisle", how about not being SO left, etc., click here to see Obama's campaign promises

* the czars - hmmm, let's see!

     Van Jones is was one of the czars. He is a self proclaimed communist who signed a petition that 9/11 was an inside job, thinks that "[t]he white polluters as well as a white environmentalists have been radically steering poison in to a people of color's communities since they don't have a secular probity frame.".

     Kevin Jennings, what about him - "Kevin Jennings, President Obama’s Assistant Deputy Secretary of the Office of Safe and Drug FreeSchools at the U.S. Department of Education, is in hot water this week for having failed to report that a 15-year-old sophomore student in his school had told him of having sex with an older man. But failure to report what appeared to be a case of statutory rape of a child may be the least of Jennings’ worries. Lori Roman of Regular Folks United points to statements by Jennings a decade or more ago when he praised Harry Hay of the North American Association for Man-Boy Love Association (NAMBLA), which promotes the legalization of sexual abuse of young boys by older men."

   The list of the 30 plus czars - could go on for days! You look it up for yourself! Many of them are very controversial. What does that say about our president? Besides, Republicans & Democrats are upset over the fact that these czars are not investigated by anyone other than Obama's admin., have no confirmation to go through and answer to NO ONE except Obama. Now, even Pelosi, Dodd, Reid and their collegues don't get that favor.

* some of Obama's friends/heroes/idols - Rev. Jeremiah Wright-even Obama distanced himself from Wright, even though before he was elected he sat in Rev. Wright's church for 20 years,

     this is an interesting article, by CBS none the less!

     William Ayers - "Bill Ayers who, of course, is notorious as one of the founders of the Weather Underground and himself a Weather Underground terrorist in the Sixties who helped to bomb the Pentagon and he and his comrades planned the bombing of the Capitol and other bombings again that were used to intimidate the families of federal prosecutors who were moving against groups like the Black Panthers and such."

     Saul Alinsky - "Obama really became a student of Alinsky's work, an expert on it, learning his notions of power, his notions of organizing, and it was Alinsky who originated this idea of what he calls direct action, which was this use of intimidation tactics intentionally militant and scary, both to intimidate politicians and business leaders into doing what these radical groups wanted and also frankly as a kind of organizing tactic because going out and confronting and intimidating people is very exciting and gets a lot of members into your organization.

* ACORN - Obama hailed them until, like Rev. Wright, they started to tarnish him; click on the video from this site, now they are dealing with an investigation favored by Obama, even though he said, "Frankly, it's not really something I've followed closely," Obama said. "I didn't even know that ACORN was getting a whole lot of federal money." REEEAAAALLLLY! $53 million tax dollars is not "a whole lot of federal money. Even CBS had something to say. Yes, I said CBS. You can stop rubbing your eyes! Even CBS can't deny the Obama schemes any longer. How about NBC or ABC? Yep, them too! They were all a little a lot slow on the pick up (I wonder why) they have to report the facts, right?

* the firing of Gerald Walpin - first of all, this is one of Obama's campaign promises "Increase protections for whistleblowers"; "Barack Obama will strengthen whistleblower laws to protect federal workers who expose waste, fraud, and abuse of authority in government."—Obama's The Change We Need In Washington" - oh really!!!! Then, explain this!

* add to the Obama debacle- gov't healthcare bill that the majority American people overwhelmingly don't want to endorse (trillions of dollars for worse healthcare than we have right now, less coverage, less freedom to choose). My family suffers a lot financially because of poor healthcare coverage for our kids' biological disorders but I sure don't want what Canada or Great Britain has! Have you heard ONE SINGLE Canadian or British administrative or regular "Joe" person come out to strongly endorse a gov't run healthcare system? I'm waiting...... Saying that it is better than what we have right now is not good enough (in my opinion and many millions of peoples' too - it will be much worse). I do want healthcare for all citizens that want it. This just isn't the way to go, in my opinion. We ended up in the US because my dad, a former surgeon, did not want to participate in socialized medicine. Have you asked your doctor if they support this healthcare reform?

* how about when people started to say no to Obama/Pelosi/Reid healthcare reform citizens were called racist; "Are you one of the tens of thousands of people who don't want government-run health care and showed up at a town hall or a rally to let it be known? If that's you (then you are part of the right-wing, extremist, angry mob and your anger is fake. It's not organic. It's not grassroots." Have you seen the numerous ways that average Americans have been treated, talked about, vilified by our own elected gov't officials? Disgusting!

So, these are "just the facts, ma'am!" Truly, they are. Look them up if you're not sure. Send me a comment if you think I have my facts wrong.

Whew! I've been working on this posting off and on today and I'm worn out! Never before have I been so charged up about politics! Why now? Because I've been given a message in my life to stand up, stand up to what is wrong (not by my standards, everyone's!), deceitful, and perhaps evil, if I dare say that word. Remember this post or this one!  I just gotta do it!

Part 2 tomorrow!It's time for me to do my mom mobile run of the day! Family first!

No, You're at the Right Place...

2009-10-21T14:24:00.000-05:00

...if you're looking for A Rainey Kind of Day! Yes, I know! Every time you come back here my blog looks different. Well, it's like clothes shopping. I found a few websites like this one that makes free backgrounds to use.

So, instead of trying on clothes in Chico's I'm trying on blog backgrounds in my study.

Hope my blinds are closed! :)

STIGMA - A Four Letter Word with a Few Extra Thrown in There

2009-10-20T10:52:00.006-05:00

Stigma - I hate that word! But, I have to admit, I must fight the stigma of mental health issues within myself.

Lauren had a setback at home today. I won't go into details because that's not the issue. The issue is that my first impression is to NOT TALK ABOUT IT, HIDE IT FROM EVERYONE. There is a part of me that is embarrassed to post this. That's the stigma part. But the advocate in me is stronger! Much stronger!

The advocate in me says "Would I be embarrassed if my child had cancer and had a low blood count? What about if my child's tumor had new cell growth, or if her C125 marker was elevated?"

Of course, the answer is no! No one is at fault for having symptoms of their disease raise their ugly head. You don't blame a person for their body chemistry and biological responses. Lauren can no more control her neurons mis-firing or her brain chemistry being out of whack than a child with leukemia can help going out of remission.

What? How dare I compare my child to a child with leukemia? Am I not sensitive enough to know that children die of leukemia? Well, let me tell you some facts:

* children diagnosed with leukemia these days have less than a 10% chance of dying; I'm not undermining it, 10% is horrific!

* children diagnosed with brain disorders and mental illness (such as bipolar, ADHD, schizophrenia, depression, etc) have approx. 17% chance of death, due to suicide, risky behavior, impulsive decision making, drug & alcohol overdose

* children diagnosed with leukemia can be cured

* children diagnosed with brain disorders and mental illness can NEVER be cured; they must learn to cope, self-manage their disorders for the rest of their lives

* all of these children endure painful blood tests, medical procedures and scans, medications that give them side effects, hospitalizations (except if kids with mental illness are hospitalized for their disorder their parents don't get to spend the night, parents have to leave them there, alone, and usually have limited daily/weekly visits)

* have you ever seen a community fundraiser to raise funds for a family dealing with mental illness; dealing with mental health issues are very expensive and are not paid the same as biological issues, even though they are (the brain is an organ, right?)

* there is no Make-A-Wish foundation for our children

* there are no balloons, or get well wishes or prayer vigils for our children

* people don't like to talk about mental illness or brain disorders even though it is just a disease of the brain

Hmmm, do I sound a little bitter? I ask myself that as I type and the answer is.... no. No, because I don't wish anyone else ill will. I'm not dwelling in self pity. I'm not even saying I wish my kids didn't have their diseases. I'm not bitter, I'm determined. Determined that my children will have the best lives they can, the best that Rick and I can give them with ALL that we have to deal with every day. Their diseases (really it's more of a family's disease/effort) are our main focus in life. Other than our focus on God, the One that has and will continue to lead us through this life.

Sometimes I pray for Lauren and Josh to be healed completely. I have to ask! Jesus performed miracles and why not for my kids! Most of the time, I'm just asking for the strength and faith to continue on our journey, calm or rough as it may be. Being Lauren and Josh's mom has made me a better mother, wife and a better person. They have challenged me (oh boy, have they ever) to rise way above what I thought I could ever do and stay there for months on end.

I am who I am because of my children. If you don't like me the way I am, too &*$# bad! This is whom my children need me to be! I am my children's warrior. I am my children's advocate. I am my children's mom!

That Better Not Be Martha Stewart at My Door!

2009-10-16T18:26:00.001-05:00

I have a dilemma. In a previous post (here) I told you about our the demise of our dining room carpet. So, ever since, I've been slightly embarrassed by it's absence. Not with my close friends. They accept me, my family (and our home, I guess) with all our flaws and love us anyways. That's what friends are for, right?

I'm talking about the OTHERS. Who are the others? Well, that might just be you, the one reading this blog right now. You know - the type of relationship you have with people where you see them in certain settings (like school functions/committees, church, sports) and you can even get really close. Especially if the relationship lasts a long time. BUT.... for some reason it just doesn't bloom into a full blown friendship outside of that setting. You know what I mean, right?

A few months ago, I was taking some food over to some friends we've known in our church for 20 years. Hmmm, that can't be right! I'm not old enough to have friends I've known for 20 years!! Anyways, we haven't seen much of this couple lately and Rick and I enjoyed chatting with them again. We talked about a whole group of us getting together again like we used to, but the husband, Roger, said that his lovely wife, Susan, doesn't want to have anyone over until she has a few things fixed in the house. Boy, can I ever relate!

That got me thinking about my stinkin' dining room carpet, or rather lack of stinkin' carpet! And the pulls in our berber from Astro's claws, and the cracks in the tile, and our less than special back yard, and....,...., and ...., and ..... Now don't get me wrong. We have a lovely home that we've lived in for just over 8 years. I love the size and layout. We're in a beautiful neighborhood, close to our church that we seem to be at all the time, close to our friends, close to what we need, etc. Our house is just at that point where it needs some touch-ups, some fixing up, some repainting, etc. A clean layer of most things. Got the picture?

Then, I think about our finances and how every dime we have goes to our children's tuitions, physicians, therapy, meds, my meds!!, Rick's meds!!, and that we are doing the best we can. Our house can wait, our children can't. Their future is right now!

I also think about people I meet thru outreach work with our church, see on TV or read about that have lost their houses due to job cuts, illnesses, the economy, etc and know how fortunate we are to have all the blessings that God has given us. I should be grateful for having carpet (even with the runs or stains), tiles (with a crack), a yard (without landscaping). Geez, now I feel guilty. God also gave us humility.

BUT... then comes the latest junk mail with all it's real estate, new home construction or remodeling photos and I go right back to thinking how embarrassed I am by the state of my house. Some of those 7 deadly sins raise their ugly heads again.

Wait a minute - what am I so ashamed of? That we spend all we can and more on giving our children the best chance in life with the conditions they were born with, and still find a bit to give back to God. That we have a lived-in home? That I spend more of my time on Rick and my kids and our lives than my house? Hmmm, I bet that's how God wants it! That my kids and dogs and cats are constantly in and out of my house so much I can't keep track of their shoe/paw prints? Or is it that I think people will see me as a terrible person because I don't want to scrub my carpets until they ~~shine,~~ ~~glow~~, unstain!!! Hey, news flash! I don't want to scrub my carpets. I don't want to wipe every scuff off my walls. I don't want to spend every dollar we earn or every hour of every weekend fixing up my house so it looks like Better Homes and Gardens. Well, I wouldn't even come close, but I could dream.

I, just like all of you, want to live and play and laugh. I want to do fun things, go to movies, take a nap on Sunday afternoons (now that my kids are older and I don't have to worry about them running out the door naked wearing nothing but a Batman cape), be outside when Texas weather permits, dance in my living room while listening to my iPod and do just enough chores and laundry to keep us going. Don't get me wrong, I like a clean kitchen, a sparkling fridge and a tidy underwear drawer but Betty Crocker I ain't!

So, what's the bottom line in all of this verbage? I'm intimidated by my friends' houses that look so neat and tidy when I go in them. They all look so clean, beautifully/charmingly decorated, organized and updated and mine, well...... doesn't. But, I guess I don't want to work as hard as all of my friends to have houses that look like that either. Wish I did, but oh well. Or maybe, like Roger and Susan, you might just feel like I do. That we all want to be more social, wish to be more spontaneous and invite people (other than our closest friends/family) to come over just for fun and hope than they care more about the people in the house than the dust bunnies hiding in the corners.

So, next time I invite you over you BETTER NOT comment on my concrete floor if you know what's good for 'ya! Just kidding. Hey, Roger and Susan, your house or mine?