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A relationship mentor told me that 4 years ago and as much as I hated to hear it, it was true. 

I had spent so many years losing myself in relationships, that I no longer had any sense of who I was. 

If you want to create a healthy relationship in your life, you have to be able to answer the question: 

“Who am I?”

Who you are—your identity—drives who you pick, how you show up in relationships, and the level of satisfaction and fulfillment you feel in our relationships. 

Across your entire life… your WHO impacts your DO… 

The answers you find in answering the question of identity lay the groundwork for having the healthy relationship you are dreaming of. 

Without a comprehensive answer to this question, there are cracks in your relationship foundation.

Ever tried to build a house with a shaky foundation? It’s unstable. 

If you’ve never thought that answering this question is an important first step to creating the healthy love relationship you desire, maybe sit with it for awhile and see what comes up. 

Photo by Andriyko Podilnyk on Unsplash

Frequently I find that my coaching clients have a great circle of friends, they are high performers in their chosen careers, but their love life is a long and winding road of failed relationships.

They can’t figure out what “picking-formula”, 3-step process, or healing modality to put in place to get their relationships to just “work.” 

Maybe this is you today. 

You feel like you’ve done absolutely everything to pick the right person, set the right boundaries, use the best communication strategies… but nothing has worked to get you the relationship.

If this is you, I want to add one word to that sentence, “Nothing has worked for you YET.” 

I believe with every bone in my body, that if there is still a desire in you to create a healthy relationship — you have the energy to put into the work that it takes to create that extravagant love. 

You are only missing some skills, the right container to heal old and outdated nervous system patterns holding you hostage. 

Many of you know I offer 1:1 coaching to help you create healthy relationships.

But more important than you working with me, is that you hear my words and not give up because I believe with my whole heart — you may be closer to your dream of a healthy relationship than you realize, so don't give up.

p.s. I'm on YouTube now… check out more of my videos there.

🧩 Relationships are where we are at our best, like, when we realize that we are better together as a partnership than alone…

🧩 And our worst, like, when our partner hits the emotional buttons only THEY know how to hit.

The good news is relationships give us visibility into our internal landscape … often accessing areas that have been hidden or repressed for years.

What we do with it then becomes our responsibility… will we choose to turn towards it and heal, or away from it and run?

Turning towards it can mean healing IF we are willing to put in the work, and the pain, to change the pattern. Turning away almost always guarantees the pattern keeping us stuck will remain.

The biggest gift we give ourselves in a relationship is believing the container we are in can transform us – IF both partners are willing to do the work to look at their own wounds and part of the dynamic.

💚 Not sure how to create healthy relationship containers? I offer 1:1 coaching. DM me for details 💚

It sucks, but triggers are a part of healthy relationships.

Eww. So, rude. 🤨

A trigger, according to Dr. @frank_andersonmd:

❤️‍🔥”A trigger is empathic resonance”

It is a signal that you and your partner are tuned into each other for good and at times… maybe not so good.

Triggers happen because we are emotionally connected to whatever is being discussed within a given interaction. If the topic in question didn’t matter to us, we would be trigger-free.

So if you’re triggered realize that one, or both, of the following things is happening:

💫 The other person really matters to you and you care about how they perceive this situation or topic

💫You have an emotional investment in the topic or situation being discussed and as a result, you are having a visceral (somatic) reaction

A trigger is NOT a sign that your relationship is unhealthy. In fact, it could be a sign that you and your partner are increasing in intimacy, so yay! 😉

Not sure if the triggers are signs of a healthy or unhealthy relationship?

💚 Reach out to me to find out more about how I can help you create and maintain the healthy relationship you desire! 💚

Oof. That is a hard pill to swallow.

💊 When I get mad at my partner for leaving the toothpaste cap off, I’m mad at me?
💊 When I get upset for my partner for leaving the laundry in the dryer, it’s about me?
💊 When my partner gets mad about unmatched Tupperware, it’s not about me?

Yes. It’s called our shadow side and we all have one.

It may not be as literal as a toothpaste cap or leaving the laundry in the dryer (for the love), but something “they” are doing is bothering you because there’s a form you do too, and have disowned, repressed, or split off.

Before y’all angry-type, “But I don’t… but I don’t do…”

Let me clarify. This 👏🏻 Does 👏🏻 Not 👏🏻 Apply 👏🏻 To 👏🏻 Abuse 👏🏻

Periodtttt.

And irritations that activate you about your partner might be things you’ve denied in yourself.

It’s called projection,

✨ “the process of displacing one's feelings onto a different person…or object—attributing one's own unacceptable urges to another.”

It’s a fully unconscious process.

Psychology today says:

✨ “We often identify unpleasant, negative qualities in others that we hate in ourselves. This process occurs unconsciously.”

Sigmund Freud invented the term in 1895. Carl Jung says it way cooler,

✨ “The general psychological reason for projection is always an activated unconscious that seeks expression. [“The Tavistock Lectures,” CW 18, par. 352.]

So how do we know we might be projecting or disowning our stuff?

⚡️We have huge reactions to small things
⚡️We immediately roll into the blame game
⚡️We are unable to remain in a neutral position about a subject
⚡️We notice a pattern in the interaction

Knowing how to navigate potential projections is key to creating and maintaining a healthy relationship.

p.s. this works in the workplace too!

I have wrestled with questions of whether to “stay or go” many times. I have asked this question in employment situations, in life, and this question has been pivotal as I have examined relationships.

👋🏻There are times when LEAVING is the best option.

If where you are or who you are with have outlasted their usefulness for your growth, if they are hindering you from fully expressing gifts and talents you have been given, or if you are just passing time, it may be time to go.

If you are unsafe, emotionally, physically, or psychologically leaving may be the ONLY option.

🌸 But, what about BLOOMING where you are planted?

In 2004 I moved from D.C. to GA. Six months after the move, I began deeply questioning that move and 2 years later, I was aching to return to D.C.

I stayed because I didn’t feel a clear and compelling release from Georgia.

2006-2008 turned into 2 of the most healing years that would not have happened had I left Georgia when I wanted to.

Had I been amidst the distractions of D.C., I may have missed out on a healing experiences that changed my life forever.

💔Leave if

👉🏻You are losing tremendous amounts of sleep over where you are or who you are with
👉🏻Your health is detrimentally affected
👉🏻Your highest self or Higher Power are saying “Get out!”
👉🏻Habit or fear have placed you in a “rut” (think of a car wheel stuck in mud like the scene in My Cousin Vinnie)
👉🏻Loyalty is hindering the full expression of your gifts

❤️Stay if

👉🏻Your highest self or Higher Power haven’t given you a clear release
👉🏻Your character is growing, NOT at the expense of emotional or physical security
👉🏻You are catalyzing change in the environment FOR GOOD and aren’t being emotionally or physically harmed
👉🏻You are prone to “quit and stay” or “cut and run”

This list has helped me navigate decisions about staying or going.

It’s never cut and dry, and an instagram post is NEVER a substitute for mental health advice. If you are struggling, get help. Reach out to your community, to a professional and together brainstorm a solution.

Cheering you on.

“Do not take her silence as tacit agreement”

A counselor said that to my former partner and I as we were navigating a conflict. He was an extrovert and tended to have an “attack and defend” style of conflict resolution, I am an introvert and tended to “reflect and respond”

The net result? His responses were stepping on my need to reflect and I didn’t have a chance to respond, so I shut down.

The counselor understood the assignment and intervened, again:

👉🏻 Don’t take her silence as agreement

If your partner is shut down, it may not mean they are in agreement… it may mean they are:

1. Thinking
2. In central nervous system shutdown (also known as Dorsal Vagal)
3. Not feeling safe
4. Unsure of what to say
5. Conditioned through their own trauma not to respond

Want to know where your partner is?

🤭Stop talking and ask.
🤫Be willing to listen (no matter how long it takes) for an answer.

It may – delightfully or painfully – surprise you.

But the most important thing is that getting your partner to talk means you now have information you didn’t before.

A healthy relationship can happen for you and I’m cheering you on as you do this important work.

“I am so mad!”

The reality, however, it that only a PART of you is angry.

There are other parts of you that are
– Hurt
– Sad
– Curious
– Confused
– Open to learning

The belief that we ARE what we feel keeps us caught in conflict dynamics that thwart the creation of healthy relationships.

The next time you are mad, try saying this instead:

“A PART of me is angry”

See how it feels in your body. See how your brain reacts to that statement vs “I AM so angry”

Realizing our anger is a PART of us gives us enough psychological distance to interrupt the pattern. It allows us to step back, get curious, and observe what is happening.

It opens access to our pre-frontal cortex which is where creative conflict solutions are birthed.

Want to create and maintain a healthy relationship? Try this simple pattern interrupt in your next conflict and tell me what happens below in the comments.

I’m cheering you on!

In 2005, hurricane Katrina barreled in & uprooted thousands. 62 families landed in my back yard in rural Georgia and a team of us mobilized to get them back on their feet.

One interaction with a survivor stands out.

A young woman was stuck in a system of toxic relationships in New Orleans. Katrina separated her from her loved ones and she realized how much calmer her life was – despite being displaced from her home.

So she decided to change her life, and carefully crafted her voicemail message to start the process:

“Due to circumstances beyond my control, I have decided to make some changes in my life. If I do not call you back, you are one of those changes.”

Boom 💥

This one statement showed me a wonderful boundary framework that I still use today.

⭕️ Step 1: “Due to circumstances beyond my control”

❣️Shit happens. Life changes. We changed. Acknowledging those changes are step 1 to creating healthy boundaries.

⭕️ Step 2: “I have decided”

❣️This survivor embraced her own agency in the situation and “decided”

❣️Boundaries require a decision

⭕️Step 3: “To make a change”

❣️A decision leads to a change. One is in the head, one is in the feet.

⭕️ Step 4: “If I do not call you back, you are one of those changes

❣️This is the intended change.

Hope this helps you begin the process of setting boundaries. How are you doing? Let me know in the comments. 👇🏻

Martin Buber says every “I” needs a “thou” to individuate. There are parts of us that don’t come online until they enter into a relationship where their needs, wants, values, and personality can be mirrored.

The well-meaning advice from the 12-step program to “stay out of relationship until you are fully healed?” Or the advice from your local evangelical to “only date Jesus?” This advice may not be helping you step into the fullness of who you are meant to be.

You need flesh and blood people, other nervous systems… to fully individuate and thus—to heal.

Other people are a catalyst that enables you to heal from neurobiological patterns.

Other people help us encounter our shadow and our light, so that we can begin integrating the parts of us we have disowned.

Here’s are some helpful things I’ve learned over the decades…

❣️There is never a perfect time to enter into relationship.

If you are waiting until you are fully healed before you enter into a relationship, that time won’t come. Why? Because it takes relationships TO heal.

❣️All issues are relational issues and those issues can only be healed IN relationship.

Part of your recovery and healing is dependent upon relationships to fully manifest in you. It’s why both church and 12-step programs are created on the foundation of community.

❣️A relationship doesn’t have to be perfect to be good.

Messy, in-the-tension relationships can still help you grow. Relationships are messy because YOU are messy.

Mirroring is such an integral component of individuation it is a biological imperative. We MUST have relationships to individuate

Are there good reasons to not enter into a relationship? Yes. Are there times in your life when relationships make more sense than others? Yes.

But those aside, if you are avoiding relationship containers because you think you aren’t “healthy enough” or “whole enough” you may be sacrificing your own ability to grow.

Cheering you on 💞