Raising Asperger's Kids

MEMORIAL DAY 2013: Freedom is not Free

2013-05-24T14:28:00.001+03:00

This weekend we honor those who gave their lives for this nation. It is fitting that we remember that Freedom is not free.

We sleep well at night because rough men (and women) stand ready to do violence in our name...George Orwell

Perhaps nothing speaks more eloquently to the sacrifice of the soldier than President Lincoln's Gettysburg Address:

Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.
Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation, so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.
But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate, we can not consecrate, we can not hallow this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us—that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion—that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain—that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom—and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.

Our sons and daughters are still operating in fields of battle and could use some "loving" from home.

Go HERE to order any number of care packages from Soldier's Angels and remind these wonderful young people that they serve a grateful nation.

Or help those that have returned from fields of battle and need our support at Wounded Warrior Project.

Meanwhile the new Star Trek movie is dedicated to an organization that helps place veterans in positions where their skills will be happily utilized The Mission Continues.

GOD BLESS THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

GOD BLESS ALL WHO SERVE.

May God bless them and keep them,
May he shine his countenance upon them,
May God grant us all PEACE.

Elise

Practicality: 21 is Easier than 10

2013-05-23T18:30:00.001+03:00

Got an interesting email from a friend last night that mentioned how her daughter was 10 going on 21. I told her that 21 is easier than "10 going on 21"...promise.

Now having raised boys, I can honestly say that I have no idea what its like to raise girls. I wont even hazard a guess what its like. I know everyone likes to tell you that boys are easier than girls.....of course most of them have no boys or are blissfully unaware that the hard part of raising boys is that they don't talk to you about what ails them.

Yes I know that women complain that there are no manly men any more. Men cry and talk about their feelings on Dr. Phil, but that quite frankly isn't the message our young men truly are getting. Alpha males are still the epitome of who boys want to be and alpha males do not cry, talk about their feelings or exhibit any angst whatsoever. For all of Tony Stark's or Wolverine's introspection, the reality is that they are lauded for the historical maleness, the alpha male components of their characters.

Heck one of the biggest criticisms of the new Star Trek movie is that Spock cries. OK, Vulcans are not supposed to show emotion, but Spock is half human. The half he accepted by joining Star Fleet over the Vulcan Science Academy after the chairman of the VSA disrespected Spock's mother. So what is really wrong with Spock crying? Nothing. But there is quite the hullabaloo among Trekkies over this little change in the timeline. Vulcans are devoid of emotion. Very alpha male.

The inability of young males to discuss their feelings, or the societal prohibition that its not manly to complain and its better to keep everything inside, is the reason why suicide rates for adolescent boys are much higher than for girls. So most of the fights we actually had with the boys over the years is to try to get them to open-up about what was going on inside them. It's better today. Especially where Mr. Graduate Student (Mr. GS formerly CM1) is concerned. He is also 22 years old and is developing nicely into a young adult. Now, CM2 doesn't openly discuss his feelings, (sometimes we do have a meltdown over things he finds frustrating or overwhelming) but I also know that if I don't get yelled at by CM2 at least once every few hours he is physically ill or engrossed in a video game. Well at least that is something.

Nonetheless, I found adolescence awful. It's not just the hormonally induced obnoxious behavior, but couple that with the aspergean inability to channel emotional changes and social interactions, you have a rather combustable mix at times. A rather over the top adolescent version of self-interest, self-importance, self-esteem issues and egocentrism run amok in a world that they simply don't understand.

Ten is the cusp of adolescence. In today's world 10-year-olds carry cell phones, go on Facebook (well some of them), IM with their friends and shop at Abercrombie and Fitch (that store is a discussion for another day altogether). The girls are past sleep overs where they watch Disney movies and have moved on to Twilight and Vampire Diaries. The boys have gone from Harry Potter to the Avengers, Thor and Japanese Anime. Hard core competition kicks in at this stage too. Either in school where grades are becoming the way your children get channeled for middle school and beyond or hardcore sports competition begins (or in many children's realities they have to deal with all of the above). Every parent knows that a college sports scholarship, especially in these days of $50,000 a year tuition, is hard won and takes decades of practice to earn.

But 10-year-olds still feel like little kids at times, which in truth they are. But everything in society tells them that they need to grow up and grow up fast. It's scary. Its frightening. Its confusing beyond anything they have every dealt with. So they lash out. They lash out in not so good ways. Mostly they take it out on you..the full-time caregiver parent. The one who sets the rules and carries them out. The task master and guardian. The one who pulls them back from the brink even when they don't think they are going towards a cliff.

It's hard. This push and pull me relationship. It is the job of the adolescent to try to pull away from the parent. It is their job to try to become more independent and to try to spread their wings. It is the job of the adolescent to test the boundaries of life and to fight with their parents every inch of the way. And it is your, so important job, to try to stop them at every turn.

As the child grows into those very precarious adolescent years, it is your job to make certain that they learn the rules of life as an adult. They need to understand the who, what, where, when and why of every scenario they get themselves into. You need to teach them how to analyze their choices and how to make good productive choices in the end. And our society's culture fights you every step of the way. But this too they need to understand and to reason with. They need to understand that society is not always right and that peers are not always right and that teachers are not always right and yes, even you are not always right (heavens say it ain't so). They need to know that they can disagree with everyone and everything and you will always be there for them, support them and above all love them.

It gets better. At 22 Mr. GS is a doll. Does he have his moments? Of course, we all do. But he has matured and understands the role he plays in the world (well sort of). He has some kind of direction in his life and he knows, we are there for him no matter what.

CM2 at 19, well he is still quite a piece of work. Still testing the boundaries and trying to get away with crap. For aspergeans they say they are 1/3 years behind their peer counterparts for maturity. If that is so, then CM2 is more like a 16-year-old then a college junior. It makes sense with some of the attitude and meltdowns that he has had lately. Stress, anxiety and self-esteem issues were our biggest traumas this past semester. It was not easy. It is not easy when you are dealing with a legal aged adult child who still needs alot more supervision than his peers.

He knows he is different in that regard than his peers and he resents it in some ways. No he doesn't resent the autism part. He revels in his autism. In fact on twitter he has proudly exposed himself as an aspergean in his profile (Also characterized himself as Jewish too. No there is no self-esteem issue about who he is at all.) It is the parental supervision he resents.

He complained bitterly about me on twitter the other day. He can't understand how after blocking me I can still read his timeline...but momma has her ways...hehehehehehehe...and he does need to be watched. He had to learn not to give out too much identifiable information, fight with the wrong people or bring unwanted negative reactions to his profile. He learned to have positive interactions on line, well somewhat. But I had to go in and teach him after reading some of his earlier tweets. This too is a social learning skill that aspergeans need to know.

The truth of the matter is, that adolescence and the teen years are hard. It takes parental support, vigilance and determination to get your children through unscathed. Add in special needs and it can be overwhelming at times. I won't lie to you one bit. Like liberty, adolescence requires eternal vigilance on the part of the parent. I have no magic bullet. No true practical solutions for anyone except follow your instincts. If something tells you this is no good then it is. If something tells you to oversee what they are doing, find a way to do it. Passwords, computer histories and strict rights and wrongs are a must. Keep an eye on who their friends are and how they are brought up and what their perspectives in life happen to be. Don't be afraid to fight with your children. Set limits and boundaries even more strict than you ever did when they were little ones. In truth its not your children you don't trust. It is the world you don't trust. It is that one moment when their adolescent lapse in judgement could change the trajectory of their lives forever that you fear the most.

I read a great saying years ago about raising children: if your child doesn't tell you they "hate" you at least once a day, you are not doing your job as a parent well. I learned along time ago that before I can be my child's friend I need to be their parent. I have always followed that rule. It has worked well so far. In the meantime, I always keep my fingers crossed and a prayer in my heart too.

Elise

When You Are Reminded That Life is Not Fair

2013-05-18T15:48:00.000+03:00

I am not sure when I had decided that I wasn't allowed to be sad or have moments of angst when it came to the boys' autism. I think that years ago I simply decided that to do what needed to be done I had to go outside myself and deal with reality without being angry, sad or quite frankly jealous. I remember when I felt this huge weight lift off my shoulders when I no longer blamed God, hashem, yahweh, an almighty (pick your omnipresent wraith), but just came to realize that sometimes we are handed a deck of cards that we simply did not expect and that grownups deal with life as it hits you not as you fantasized about it.

So I got better. I didn't really sit and think about what could have been or what should have been, simply because that was not our life and it would not have helped either boy one iota. But this week those feelings of sadness came back. I think these feelings reemerge every time there is some kind of milestone in our lives that involve the boys. I am reminded that they do live outside the typical path that their peers follow.

It's not that their path is not a good one for the boys. It is simply their path as opposed to someone else's. But when they still are not comfortable participating in life's milestones I feel a loss for them. CM1 doesn't care to go to his graduation this weekend. He doesn't want to sit and listen to speeches, while people pontificate at him about his future. Honestly not going to the graduation itself doesn't bother me. He feels he has more school to go so it doesn't pay to go to celebrate. He's not really done.

Our compromise was that he had to buy a cap and gown and let me take pictures which he did. See post here.

But the sadness overcame me last night. Apparently CM1 was given some kind of honor or award (which one we don't know right now) at a special ceremony for graduating seniors. They keep it a secret at the boys' college until the awards are actually handed out, but we were given a kind-of-heads-up that he should be there. He in true fashion didn't want to go. It's because he doesn't understand how special these things are and concepts like "academic honors" simply do not matter to him. The sadness came when I saw the tweet from the college congratulating all those who received honors.

He doesn't understand no matter how many times we tell him that his is a great accomplishment, college in and of itself is something most people do not do or even aspire to. He doesn't see anything he has done over the past years as something special, but something necessary in order for him to accomplish what he truly wants out of life. He sees school as an initiation rite to gain entrance to the exclusive club of adulthood.

He also doesn't like accolades. It embarrasses him. He doesn't know how to process the emotions that come along with being held up as a positive example. He doesn't know how to process the emotions that come with being positively acknowledged. Oh he enjoys getting As, but its a private and personal thing. As long as it isn't held up to the world he is fine.

I used to think it was the overall sensory issue of things like graduation or ceremonies that kept CM1 away. But as I look back over the years its really about him feeling overwhelmed emotionally and not knowing how to deal with what wells up inside him. He couldn't handle his bar mitzvah party either. Everyone was in the greatroom having a fun time while the DJ partied away. Meanwhile, CM1 was in another room with hubby sitting by themselves, because he was too overwhelmed.

So I feel sad. Sad because my son, who has accomplished so much (so much that he isn't even aware of how unique he is in the realm of the world) can't enjoy his accomplishments or the public acknowledgement that comes with a job well done. My sadness reminds me of how I felt when CM1 was in the self-contained kindergarten class and as I went to visit him one day in school, I passed a typical kindergarten where the children were in circle, singing, clapping and laughing. Something that CM1 couldn't do at the time. I remember it took all my effort to not cry.

Don't also tell me that others have it worse. I'm not ignorant. But because there is tragedy in the world doesn't take away from the fact that my child can't enjoy simple milestones in his life. I remember, one day I was lamenting about CM1 not being able to drive to a neighbor, whose sons are the all American boys. She told me there are worse things than 17-year-olds who can't drive because of their epilepsy...shmuck really had no idea who she was talking to. Meanwhile, incidents like this is why I never talk to the general public about anything.

I wish CM1 would allow himself to be proud of his accomplishments. And yes he should understand that it is OK if the world wants to congratulate him on a job well done. And yes there should be some way for him to assimilate the emotions that come with public praise. Unfortunately so far we haven't found a way to help him with that issue. We keep working towards that goal.

I joke that he will be the first person in history to email the Nobel Prize Committee that he is too busy to come get his award and that they should just send him the certificate. However he will tell them, that he would be willing to fax in his acceptance speech for someone else to read. I say he lacks the venal nature of most human beings (well actually he does). I laugh and shrug it off and move on to the next issue at hand.

In the meantime I feel sad this morning on the day of his graduation. Not for myself but because I know what he is missing. I know how life is different for him and how hard things still are for him. I guess at some point I had this unrealistic vision that life would get easier for him as he got older. That meeting life's challenges would come easier for him. On days like today I am reminded that for CM1, life will always be a bit of a struggle that others do not have to deal with.

Yes I know he is up to the task. But as his mother I know too it's just not fair.

Elise

The IRS, Obamacare and Abuse of Political Power: An Issue

2013-05-15T16:34:00.000+03:00

There are new controversies surrounding Obamacare now that the IRS is mired in a political scandal. These emerging issues surround federal government control of medical/healthcare rights/information and the abuse of political power. The Wall Street Journal has an interesting insight into the problem:

Even as the politicized tax enforcement scandal expands, the Internal Revenue Service continues to expand its political powers thanks to the Affordable Care Act. A larger government always creates more openings for abuse, as Americans will learn when the IRS starts auditing their health care in addition to their 1040 next year.

Over the last decade or so the tax agency has stretched its portfolio and become an enforcer and decision-maker for government benefits and programs. Three years ago, National Taxpayer Advocate Nina Olson, who operates within the IRS, presciently noted that ObamaCare is "the most extensive social benefit program the IRS has been asked to implement in recent history."

This March the IRS Inspector General reiterated that ObamaCare's 47 major changes to the revenue code "represent the largest set of tax law changes the IRS has had to implement in more than 20 years." Thus the IRS is playing Thelma to the Health and Human Service Department's Louise. The tax agency has requested funding for 1,954 full-time equivalent employees for its Affordable Care Act office in 2014.

Read the entire article HERE

These are issues that need to be vigorously debated. If a Presidential Administration can use the power of the IRS to harass and malign its political opponents, then what does the IRS and HHS having life and death rights over these same political opponents mean? What if you object to the government's handling of a controversy and the first issue asked is not "how is your health" but "do you belong to the right political party?" This is how life was in the Soviet Union and still is in totalitarian/oligarchical nations. Think this is a hysterical approach? Ask the people harassed by the IRS because they belong to conservative political groups or to pro-Israel groups that didn't follow in-lock-step with the President's view of the Middle East, or taught about the US Constitution and the Bill of Rights (it seems under these criteria my entire family is up the creek without a paddle) and then tell me it can't happen here.

Furthermore, an additional aspect of the controversy appeared yesterday. Apparently the IRS gave private tax information of conservatives to politically left-leaning groups during the Presidential campaign. The powers that be continually tell us that under Obamacare our health documents would be sacrosanct. After the recent revelations about IRS conduct, it is apparent that the inherent potential for abuse dangerously exists.

One of the biggest issues we have dealt with for the boys was making sure that their medical records and their privacy is maintained. We are still dealing with a society that is characterized by a terrible bigotry when it comes to learning and developmental disabilities, as well as a continuing ignorance about mental health issues. The leaking of private health information, by any political operative or "enemy," can doom an individual's future without that person even knowing about it.

Think I am being paranoid read this article from FORBES, "The IRS Raids 60 million Personal Healthcare Records." or "IRS faces class action lawsuit over theft of 60 million medical records."

There is a reason why so many of our Founding Fathers were anti-Federalists. The recent revelations of abuse, and potential for abuse, should put a chill into anyone who values their civil, legal privacy right to basically be left alone and be allowed the dignity of making their own healthcare decisions without government intrusion. Furthermore, my post from last year (below) asks some more questions about Obamacare that never have been answered. It seems, as usual in Washington DC, no one cares to tackle the hard questions.

*****

I am not against many of the provisions in Obamacare. I am against the reality of the abuse it can generate. The following post was originally written when the country thought the Supreme Court would overturn Obamacare. Meanwhile, as we all know, the law was upheld, but this does not make the following underlying issues any less poignant.

And no I don't call it the Affordable Care Act. As anyone paying attention will tell you, the reality is that insurance premiums, because of Obamacare, are predicted to rise either 100-400% before full implementation of the law. There is nothing affordable about that.

Repost from June 2012

Overturning all of the Healthcare Bill…yes yes yes, state’s rights, overreach of the federal government..death panels and a preeminent HHS…yes I agree for the most part.

Meanwhile my almost 22-year-old will not be able to buy insurance for himself. He has multiple disabilities and epilepsy. He only goes to school part-time (part-time students cannot buy health insurance). He does not have a job where they offer health insurance. So instead of telling my son he is not growing up quick enough or telling us we didn’t raise him to be an adult, how about Congress actually taking a look at how screwed up the insurance industry is and doing something about it. (By the way, we never asked for government services for him beyond educational rights and do not plan to.)

It is a good thing, especially in today’s economy that 26-year-olds can stay on their parents insurance. It is a good thing that you cannot be denied because of pre-existing conditions..but how about a cap on what the insurance companies can charge you? What good is an offer of an insurance policy if the monthly cost is astronomical?

Do I want government telling me what to do or which doctor to go to? No I do not. But I do not like it when the insurance companies do it either.

Do I want a government social worker deciding my children’s future?…Absolutely not. That is why we never applied for government benefits for our son. (He has been told too often that he cannot do. He has been disrespected too often because of his disability. I will not allow others to decide his future.) But if you think that insurance companies don’t tell you what you can and cannot do for your disabled offspring you are wrong. When insurance won’t pay for a therapy and the support your child's needs, you need to figure out a way to afford it. Most in this world cannot. If you think this isn’t akin to a death panel you are mistaken.

So all of you out there who think overturning the entirely of the HealthCare Law will be some kind of victory, let me tell you it will be a fleeting victory…hopefully Congress will not play any games and pass a new law filled with everything that the average American liked about the HealthCare Law. But I doubt it. In Washington, we the taxpayer does not matter, it is party politics all the time.

Also, some more big question, if I as a taxpayer have to pay for public hospitals and noone can be turned away regardless of ability to pay (a good thing) why shouldn’t people have to carry health insurance? Why do I have to pay for someone else and their lifestyle and their poor decision-making? Why can’t health insurance be affordable for the average person? Why can’t you travel with your health insurance (yes use of the Commerce Clause can be employed to overturn this directive)? Why does some state legislature, who has been lobbied by the insurance industry, get to decide if a medical procedure is appropriate for your child or not? Why do I have to pay for medical procedures I will never use? Why can’t I pick what I want in my plan instead of being given a fait accompli overarching plan by the insurance company via the state legislature? Somehow I do not think the founding father’s really thought about the healthcare monopoly when they compromised about state versus federal power in the Constitution.

Do I want socialized medicine? I have news for everyone we already have it here in the US in the guise of Medicaid and Medicare. How hard would it be to stretch these programs to include a progressive payment option for those who can’t buy insurance and believe you me, there are plenty who want insurance and keep getting denied (ask any person with a disability.)

What we don’t have is healthcare that keeps the average person in mind. The Constitution was written to ensure that government can not encroach upon our rights. But do we not also have a right not to die, to be treated with respect instead of contempt and to not give up our rights to corporations? I wonder how many in this world carrying on with their libertarian ideals and their holier than though attitudes toward healthcare ever had to decide on food versus medicine/therapy for your child (including adult children)?

Shame on all of you getting ready to open up that bottle of champagne.

Elise

Great Bike GiveAway Winners

2013-05-14T13:01:00.000+03:00

For the last three weeks Friendship Circle has been running the Great Bike Giveaway, a nationwide contest where children with special needs can win an adaptive bike. Over 400 people entered the contest. Congratulations to the 29 winners of the Great Bike Giveaway!

HERE's a list of the winners.

Elise

Summer Volunteering Has Begun...Yippee

2013-05-13T17:36:00.002+03:00

The boys' semester has ended and they are once again helping out at the Audubon Sanctuary. This week they are assisting in planting a "native" garden. And no, I am not helping with the planting. I will clean toilets but I don't do "dirt" (and yes I understand that in a post-apocalyptic world where we would have to grow our own food, I would go hungry)....

I do have to admit it is not going as smoothly as I would have hoped. In all truth, CM1 is just fine, asking for help and doing what he is supposed to albeit not truly happy to be digging so early in the morning. CM2 in his usual manner is being grumpy. This negative attitude that he started sometime his sophomore year is continuing and it is not pleasant. I do understand that it is the age. I just can't wait for him "to grow out of it" as they say....

This is one of those times when "autism meets typical adolescent growth and development." I remember when the special ed teachers at the high school thought it was funny that I can handle anything "autism" can throw at me but typical adolescent nonsense sets me on edge. Like today.

I suppose that puts me in the category with most other parents. I just don't get adolescents. I remember when I was asked to do something I did it. I might not have been happy but I did it. I didn't sit there bitching and moaning and making myself miserable. I did it and got it over with. In truth I wonder at times, if it really is a cultural issue. Has society changed that much that our children are different then we were? Yes, I understand every generation feels that way.

Luckily the youngwoman who runs the Audubon program has a terrific instinct on how to use the boys and how to get them to enjoy what they are doing. Right now she redirected them into a different project associated with the new garden. She also isn't afraid to tell them to behave and to let them know that they are being socially inappropriate.

Also there is another woman who is working with them whom they know from last year and she understands them as well. It was just related to me that this woman has been trying to engage CM2 in small talk. He, as is his nature, was quite resistant. In fact she asked him did he know why she was trying to talk to him about little things. He said no. She explained to him when you work with people its nice to be able to converse with them. (Another much needed social skill) CM2 in his rather blunt way rejected her theory. (So I am told).

I honestly believe we lucked out in having the boys volunteer here. The people are kind and understanding. They, knowing the boys now for over a year, are not shy about correcting them and directing their behaviors. I suppose that is the crux of the matter isn't it. The place that you put your children should always be a learning experience of some kind or the other.

Actually as we have learned over the years, and as some studies have shown, the thing that does most aspergeans in when they enter the real work-a-day-world is the social deficits they deal with everyday. If you can get your children into a situation where the people around them understand that this issue is something to be worked on, not something to hold against them, and something to be guided so that they learn, you have found a really good situation.

Now of course this is a volunteer activity and I don't expect businesses to really spend too much time teaching social skills. Yes human resources will give instruction to people about appropriateness in the workplace, but they too go just so far. Everyone is usually allowed a whoopsidaisy as long as the activity in question is not criminal. Yet if by the time they do enter the workforce there is at least some modicum of understanding of "office social rules" then your aspergeans will be ahead of the game.

By the way, the youngwoman director told me that CM2's attitude is much better than last year. Well that's something and gives me a hope that there is a light at the end of the obnoxious behavior tunnel.

Elise

Never Give Up and Never Give In

2013-05-10T23:59:00.000+03:00

Twenty years ago we were told that there were no guarantees for our oldest son. He was diagnosed with PDD-NOS. He was terribly speech delayed. He couldn't interact socially at age level. He had begun to have obsessions and meltdowns. He was hyperlexic (even though he did understand what he read.) He needed structure and security. He worried and perseverated. He didn't hug or kiss.

The way the doctors made it sound was that there was no future for our child. And almost every psychiatric and social work professional, when he was young, would reiterate the same scenario. Well needlesstosay, I fired every last one of them and found people who understood that CM1 was going to have a future. I found educational professionals who understood how bright my son is and found ways to access that intelligence. I found a village that knew my son was allowed to have a future even if the psychiatric literature said it was impossible.

CM1 will be graduating next Saturday from college. He will be receiving a bachelor of arts degree in history with a minor in holocaust studies. He has a 3.5 GPA. Even better yet, he has grown into a loving, caring, funny, kind youngman who likes to hug you when he is happy. He is thinking about his future and what he wants to do with his life. He is making plans and thinking about the world around him. He has opinions. He has goals. He is unafraid and fearless in the face of his future, sort of like most 22-year-olds.

i have to say that the nice aspect of these graduation robes is that those receiving bachelor degrees get to wear academic/scholar hoods. Unlike with graduate hoods the colors are not indicative of their major but only the school colors. I think it adds a nice extra bit of pomp and circumstance to the event.

CM1 does not want to go to his graduation ceremony. Not only does he not care to sit there for several hours listening to some stranger pontificate about his future, but he isn't done with school so he thinks graduation is a waste of time. I won't push him. It's not important to upset him. The accomplishment of college graduation is however something to be acknowledged and celebrated. We are going to celebrate with a special trip to his favorite restaurant. He already had that rather nice size glass of champagne when he finished his last exam.

He begins his masters program in computer science this summer.

Now CM1 did promise me that he would let me take pictures of him in his graduation regalia. Yeah, its a parent thing and one hell of a huge victory. A victory against the naysayers and the know-it-alls who would have pushed our son into another future. One where he had no voice in his life.

Having been involved in the autism community now for several decades, I am well aware of how lucky our sons happen to be. That the therapies and the drugs and the educational interventions really did work for them.

But I think in the end, every child with autism is a clean slate. To make a decision about a person's future when they are 2,3, 13 or an adult is hubris at best and incompetence at its worst. No one has knowledge of the future and no one knows what will happen when it comes to science, therapy and supports. To disregard a person, to see the disability first and not the human being is quite frankly a sin before God

Every person with autism is entitled to every bit of help to be the best that they can be. In today's world we find that the old wives-tales about autistic individuals are ignorant and prejudicial. Being non-verbal is not an indication of lesser-intellect. Being overly sensitive to stimuli is not an indication of further mental health problems. Being obsessive and structure oriented does not mean they cannot function in the real world, even if they need help in some way. Being literal, not able to deal with sarcasm or abstract ideas does not mean the person cannot reason, think and analyze.

Never let anyone tell you that your child cannot accomplish a goal or accomplish something they enjoy. There are ways to give your child what they need and allow them to be all that they can be. There are ways to ensure that your child lives a happy life.

Never give up and never give in...don't ever let anyone tell you your child can't. There is always a way that they can. I know for a fact that this is the truth, because my sons are the embodiment of that proof.

Elise

Ignorance About Learning Disabilities Abound

2013-05-08T14:16:00.000+03:00

The following from a well-known blogger including my retorts. By the way I never got a response.

@iowahawkblog ADHD is not pretend nor is it a mental illness it's a learning disability. For someone intelligent that was stupid statement
— Independent Patriot (@LibertysSpirit) May 7, 2013

@iowahawkblog mouthy kids still get detention. ADHD isn't about being mouthy. Ur ignorance is abhorrent
— Independent Patriot (@LibertysSpirit) May 7, 2013

@iowahawkblog now you're just being a fool about LD issues. I feel sorry if any of your children have learning problems
— Independent Patriot (@LibertysSpirit) May 7, 2013

The hubby constantly tells me that we need to continue to protect the boys and not allow others to know their real names because there is still a terrible prejudice against those with learning disabilities in society. At times, I think he is being paranoid.

After yesterday on twitter I realize that he understands the venal and ignorant nature of the world alot better than I do. I suppose I give educated people too much credit.

Elise

So While I'm Home Doing Chores.....

2013-05-07T03:41:00.003+03:00

This is where brilliant-computer-sis is spending her time....

Nope its not Vegas nor Epcot. It's the real deal. I'm not really all that jealous....no really I'm not....well OK maybe a little.

Does being a little bit jealous make me a bad sister? I am really glad for her that she's there. In truth she has this ongoing love affair with that city. When she's there she's in her true element. There she is truly happy.

Elise

Oh No He's Sick....

2013-05-04T02:19:00.002+03:00

Yep this is our house at the moment...only I have no place to pretend to run off to...

He can't bend over because his sinuses hurt....

We also have no soup...

He isn't happy.....

But he still wants tacos for dinner because its Cinco de Mayo this weekend. You bet I have already started that margarita.

In the meantime, he is going to study Spanish this summer and has decided to start to calling me names in Spanish. Something about me being el stupido....I won't worry until he starts calling me a pendajo. But maybe he'll pay attention in class if he thinks he can pick on me and I can't tell......

So now he's a germ infested cranky adolescent swearing at me in Spanish who has to study for finals this weekend.......oh the joys of motherhood.

Elise

Practicality: "Go Big or Go Home," Teaching Your Children How to Have a "Big Life"

2013-04-30T19:20:00.000+03:00

There are so many issues concerning children with autism that it is hard to chose which may be the overriding all consuming issue that we work at day to day. But the reality is that we actually overlook the underlying scope of what is at issue. I say overlook simply because we don't really think about this point as we are trying to achieve every day to day goal for our children. That is the right for them to have a "big life," not merely the life of their choice, but one that includes every aspect that life has to offer. The goal that teaches our children to appreciate the JOY in every aspect of their day to day world, no matter what they are doing at any given moment at any given time.

I actually heard this phrase used on the TV series Bones. Yes I am a fan, and not because people think that the main character has some form of aspergers. I like the series because it is smart and intriguing (even though last nights final season 8 episode ended up being a little stupid. No no spoilers here. You need to stream it for yourself.) I like all the characters and the topics they cover. I also happen to enjoy the books by Kathy Reichs, upon which the series is based.

One of the original issues with the main character, Dr. Brennan, was when she was trying to figure out her life. She acknowledged she wanted a "Big Life" like the character Angela. I took that to mean that she wanted to understand how to enjoy life. Instead of analyzing everything and compartmentalizing everything, Temperance wanted to find the absolute joy in everything she experienced. She wanted to be more than "fulfilled." She wanted to be engulfed by her world and revel in her reality.

No its not enough for our children to learn how to navigate the world. It's not enough that they learn how handle social situations correctly or answer questions appropriately. It's not enough that they learn how to sit, walk, or stand in any environment. It's not enough that they learn the difference between a noun and a pronoun, addition and subtraction, Africa and Antarctica, democracy and oligarchy, or even the colors red and blue. What we need to concentrate on, as we teach our children to handle the world, is how to find the wonders, the joy, the beauty in everything around them.

Now granted this is an innate aspect of childhood. Something parents need to work very hard NOT to destroy in their children. They say if you really want to understand life, you need to watch a small child in their discovery of the world. But in so many cases our autistic children do not see the beauty or the wonder in the world around them. To them the world around them is fraught with misunderstanding, confusion and even pain. Their sensory and social issues can make the most simple pleasures unbearable. So what do we do?

Yes we give them therapies and skills classes and support throughout their days. We try to teach them to handle and assimilate what they need to learn to get on in the world. But we also need to teach them to appreciate the wonder that is life. But how do you teach someone to appreciate something that gives them only hardship and no pleasure at all? I never said this goal was easy.

There is joy in a task completed and a goal met. But what about just the fact of learning to master that skill? In a "big life," the act of trying is a huge accomplishment. Trying is good. So what if they fail 1000 or more times? Failure is simply another step to mastering an issue or figuring out who you happen to be. In fact, how a person handles failure says more about them than any amount of success. In truth, you cannot always learn unless you fail. No, everyone doesn't have to fail to learn, as I have mentioned umpteen times before, but so what if they do? Give them the tools to see beyond their sensory or speech issues, beyond their anxiety and OCD, to enjoy the choices in front of them. You know the old saying, "try, try again." Make the trying part of the adventure.

*Teach them that the simple act of trying is joy unto itself.
*Help them see that the choices, no matter how many there are, are the joy in and of itself.
*If there is a sensory issue figure out how to avoid it or give them a happy alternative.
*If there is a learning issue, make certain they know, their LD is not what defines them and help them figure out another path.
*EXAMPLE: If there is a flower allergy teach them about that the flower's color is the joy not the pollen but also how plants are part of the ecosystem and this thing called life. Give them a huge, long range perspective (Yes make it age appropriate too). Try to teach them to see the whole of life and not just the limits around them.

Find the positive in everything that your child deals with and your child will find the "big life."

I know this is hard to teach them. I understand how anxiety and obsessions can take hold of your child or yourself. There is no joy when this happens. It is something most would like to be rid of. Yet one day there can come the time when they say "enough is enough." Yes it can happen. That is the day that they understand that they can be the masters of their own fates and that they can have that "big life" full of joy just because they are alive.

For CM1 it just happened. He decided that enough worrying was enough. He would do his best and that had to be good enough. He finally would push himself away from the computer and stop writing. He learned to say, "I am done and I can't do any better." He learned that that was OK. He learned that there were many things in life that he enjoyed and that he found exciting. He learned that he was allowed to enjoy them as he went through his everyday adventure. He learned that there is tremendous beauty in writing code and watching it come alive right in front of his eyes. He has yet to understand that you can enjoy an obligation. But we are working on that too. Meanwhile, he just decided it was time to learn to cook for himself and took it upon himself to try. Yes its typical for 22-year-olds to want to cook for themselves...CM1 wants a "big life."

CM2 isn't in the same place as his brother yet (except he did want to learn to cook on his own. Of course he seemed to abandon it when he found out it wasn't as much fun as he thought.) He still gets easily frustrated and has a hard time when things don't go his way. But we are getting there. He also

has a different personality than his brother. Instead of facing issues head-on he does try to avoid them, but we are working on that too. He is also in that cynical stage of life that envelops most college students. So its really a hard call whether his attitude is because of the autism or its simply that age of adolescent rebellion and know-it-allness.

Life has a way of teaching the average person about what is and what is not important. Individuals do come to that conclusion at some point in their lives, hopefully before they lose most of the time they are given. But as with every aspect of life, our children can not learn to live a "big life" unless they are taught how to accomplish that goal. In fact I think its one of the more important lessons we need to teach them.

As the saying goes, "Go Big or Go Home." Our children are as entitled to a "big life" as anyone else, but its up to us to make sure they actually understand what that means and how to accomplish that goal. Living a life, afraid of or overwhelmed by life is not a life, big or small. So don't forget, whatever you are doing, whatever the lesson is for the day, make sure that you teach your child the JOY involved in every aspect of every minute of every day.

Elise

"Big Bang Theory" Discussed and Philosophized, "Heavens to Betsy," It's Just Funny

2013-04-26T15:28:00.002+03:00

Found these articles about The Big Bang Theory at Volokh Conspiracy. Not usual for a law blog to discuss the machinations of TV's most loveable nerds. Usually these legal eagles go off on a diatribe about some esoteric point of law about which no one except some annal retentive lawyers actually care. Yet knowing legal esquires like I do, most of them (at least the good ones) are more neurotic and obsessive compulsive than any of the characters we have ever met on BBT.

Meanwhile read the posts. Leave them a comment if you like. (I did, but of course) It's really all in good fun. But part of me can't help thinking that some of what these "critics" wrote is them actually being serious.

"The Big Bang Theory" Meets Its Maker

Big Bangers Indeed

By the way, in my humble opinion, the person who has grown the most on BBT is not any of the sciencey folk, but neurotypical Penny. Just a thought.

Elise

The Sanctimonious Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, Homemakers Insulted Yet Again On So Many Levels

2013-04-24T17:19:00.001+03:00

There was something of a kerfuffle recently when a former Princeton graduate wrote a letter to her alumni newspaper telling the young women who are attending that school to basically get their hooks into a man now because they will never have a better opportunity to find their intellectual equals out in the real world. HERE No offense to Princeton graduates but you truly are not the smartest people on the planet. No ivy leaguer happens to be, no matter what their colleges tell them.

In truth the smartest people out there are the parents who fight tooth and nail to raise a child with special needs. Most don't have ivy league educations. Most don't have the incomes that come with an ivy league education. Many don't have any higher education whatsoever. But what sets these parents apart, is their tenacity and their ability to ensure that their children have a future and that these children thrive within a world not ready to accept them for who they happen to be. Strength of purpose is stronger, coupled with fortitude and the human desire to protect ones young is a more formidable characteristic of intellect than any sheepskin or college robe.

Now that is not to say the ivy leaguers or college graduates for that matter, aren't a smart lot. They are. They just aren't smarter, nor more capable, than the rest of us, that is all.

Apparently this letter not only set off a bit of a firestorm here in the US, but a recent article in The Guardian (the UK's left-wing progressive anti anything that smacks of western civilization newspaper especially if it smacks of American or Israeli exceptionalism) posted an article in response to the Princeton mom's letter by one Kelly Goff. She writes that if you attended an ivy league or highly ranked college, as a woman you have an obligation to remain in the workforce. Sisterhood crap and all that. Read HERE.

The Wall Street Journal's, James Taranto, does do a nice job of taking Ms. Goff apart piece by piece. Read HERE.

The comments were closed on The Guardian piece by the time I got to it, so I left the following comment at WSJ.

I wonder what Ms. Goff would have thought of me. I was already married when I entered a highly ranked law school. I didn't enter to meet a man to marry but, like most women, to get an education that allowed me a CHOICE about my future. That I should use my education and my intellect to raise my own children is anathema to these feminists. For some reason according to feminists I should hire only uneducated persons to raise my children (because raising children is a waste of an educated mind), as if that adds to the productivity of society or is beneficial to children. The problem with feminists, and why so many women reject their ideology, is that they, like most liberal-progressives, are patronizing, pedantic and quite frankly self-righteous and extraordinarily self-centered. With them its about "me, me, me." The idea that you have an allegiance and a loyalty to your own flesh and blood, to someone outside your own importance, is something they simply cannot fathom.

In life you owe no political philosophy your allegiance unless that philosophy adds to your well-being and the well-being of those around you. The fact that feminism teaches women that the important point in life is to not bother actually raising the children you give birth to, but fostering some kind of money-producing job opportunity is repugnant. That somehow your worth as a woman is only valued by the amount of dollars you earn, not for the productive and happy humanbeings you raise. The reality of life however, is very different. Once you give birth to your children THEY and not some esoteric truly nonexistent sisterhood is who is important. Your allegiance goes to your child and their welfare first and foremost.

That feminists can't see the beauty of raising your own children, is sad. In fact I feel sorry for them that they still after all these decade have no idea what is truly meaningful about life.

As I have always noted, I am not a feminist, but a women's right activist. As far as I am concerned, feminism has morphed into something that has betrayed the majority of women in this world. For some reason the only issues that feminists rail about today is abortion, birth control and being given a pass simply because one is born with a vagina. We are not interested in some false flag reproductive rights nonsense, that basically also says its perfectly OK to murder a child if it is inconvenient to birth them, these children have a disability or quite frankly if they are girls (gendercide). There is an element of personal responsibility missing from today's discussion about abortion rights and humanity. There is a lack of a discussion about morality and ethics in today's feminism that was not there decades ago.

Case in point of the missing moral component: The refusal to report on and discuss the Gosnell clinic of horrors by liberal newspapers, webzines and news channels, is prime example of ignoring the reality of late-term abortion. It was not until a liberal commentator actually expressed disdain for her journalisto associates that anyone even said anything. But then in true fashion of sidestepping the real issues, as was done in Salon, Gosnell was used as a segway about abortion rights, welfare and government funded contraception, along with a self-righteous whoopdeedo about how terrific these journolistos happen to be. Then of course they opined with the old mantra..."It's your body and yours alone"....sadly especially by the third trimester (if not by late second trimester), science has proven that not to be the case, hence the moral and ethical conundrum.

Whether its because science has evolved along with our understanding of nature or as some feminists would have you believe, its because of politicking by the anti-abortion advocates, no one knows for certain (apparently according to the feminist movement the average woman is also too stupid to know the difference). What is for certain is that the more dogmatic a movement becomes about its purpose, refuses to accept the moral conundrum of choices made, the more they lose their honesty and following.

Women truly are more than the sum of their lady-parts, something today's feminists seem to have forgotten. We worry about putting food on the table, a roof over our children's heads and clothes on their backs. Women are concerned that our children should get the proper education that will allow them to succeed in our 21st century highly technological world. We worry that our children will have a future similar to our own past standard of living. We worry about nuclear war, terror, gun violence and bullying of all kinds. We worry about creating a kinder and gentler world that our children should inherit. These are women's real issues.

Feminists need to come down to Earth and deal with reality. I also have yet to meet any women today who actually went to school merely to meet a future husband. Even in my day you went to school to get an education so you could take care of yourself and your children if need be. You went to school to help add to a family income if need be. You went to school because you wanted a career. You went to school because you wanted the right to choose your future. That I met the hubby in college was an anomaly. Not par for the course back then and it certainly isn't par for the course today, over 31 years later.

Life has a way of creating choices for us that we didn't see coming. It is, and will always be, the measure of our own humanity how well we handle the forks in the road, while standing up for what is right and just along the way. And no one, no political philosophy, no sanctimonious "sisterhood of the traveling pants" has a right to decide how someone else should handle life's choices, whether its raising our own children, deciding whom and when to marry, whether or not to build a career or how to use our college education.

Elise

Adaptive Bicycle Giveaway from Friendship Circle... @FCMichigan

2013-04-23T21:53:00.005+03:00

Once again The Friendship Circle, an amazing organization dedicated to those with special needs, is having their adaptive bicycle giveaway contest. If your child could use one of these bikes, please enter.

The Campaign

For the second consecutive year Friendship Circle is holding the Great Bike Giveaway, a national contest giving away adaptive bikes to children with special needs. We are partnering with bike companies from around the U.S. to provide some of the best adaptive bikes to the children and young adults who need them most.

1. Choose Your Bike

Each of the bike sponsors have their own dedicated pages. Browse through the five different types of adaptive bikes available, decide which which bike will best fit your child’s needs and choose which of the sponsored bike drawings you would like to enter.

2. Submit (April 15th-May 12th)

The bike pages have a space where you can enter the contest. Submit a picture of your child with special needs along with a short explanation (250 character maximum) why your child needs an adaptive bike.

3. Nomination (April 15th-May 12th)

Once a submission has been approved the participant will need to be nominated by 50 friends and family members to be entered in the drawing.
On each bike page you will see the name and picture of all submitted entries. From this page you can click on the picture and nominate them or share the page to encourage more nominations.

4. Drawing (May 13th – Tentative date)

A drawing will be held for each prize to determine the winners of the bikes. Only those with 50 nominations will be eligible.

Director’s Choice Prize

In Addition to the drawing, five additional entries will be selected as Director’s Choice Winners. These winners will be chosen by the Great Bike Giveaway Contest Coordinator and will each receive a $500 Gift Registry courtesy of Tadpole Adaptive towards an adaptive bike.

Spread the word to add more bikes to the Great Bike Giveaway!

Individuals have the ability to donate toward each bike in the Great Bike Giveaway to get more bikes added. Every time the donation meter on a particular bike page is filled another bike gets added to that drawing!

The Prizes:

View Official Contest Rules Why The Great Bike Giveaway?

Practicality: Job Interview Skills and an Unexpected Epiphany

2013-04-22T19:38:00.003+03:00

Well I blew it big time. Apparently I am unable to read job requirements. I had CM1 apply for some on campus jobs that asked that people be undergraduates. Now of course, he is still technically an undergraduate, but (hopefully, if all goes according to plan) in two weeks that will no longer be the case. I actually had not thought anything of the discrepancy. Honestly I suppose I should have been more astute. In truth, I was really excited when he got an email asking him to come in for a job interview. It never dawned on me that "summer" non-undergraduate would have even been an issue. Of course his expected graduation date is right at the top of his resume. Apparently the interviewer didn't read his resume any better than I read the job requirements.

Needlesstosay we did spend some significant amount of time practicing interview skills. I can say that by the time we were done, CM1 started yelling at me. I definitely got on his last nerve. But whether he liked it or not these are skills that everyone needs to practice. This is what I taught him:

1. Stand up straight.
2. Walk in with you head held high. Do not look down at your feet.
3. Hold out your hand and shake nicely. (I modeled how strongly and how long to hold a hand shake.)
4. I taught him how to sit in a suit. (CM1 just inherited several suits from his grandfather and I had him wear one to the interview.) Sitting in suit pants is not the same as jeans or khakis. Most men I see hike the thighs of their pants up just so slightly so it is more comfortable to sit own.
5. Sit with his legs together and hands in his lap. CM1 is not one to cross his legs, so the leg-together-posture is much better than sitting with your legs spread apart leaning forward over your lap.

We then practiced what kind of questions the interviewer would ask:

1. Why did you study your major? Your minor?
2. What do you hope to do with your life and why?
3. After graduation what are your plans?
4. Why that particular graduate field of study?
5. What was your favorite job on your resume and why?
6. What do you hope to learn from this job?
7. How do you feel about doing XYZ job requirement?
8. If the job is part-time, make sure your child has an idea when he is available to work. We told CM1 that he is available any time right now.

I also had him think about what his answers to these questions would be. I helped him think them through and even fixed how he relayed the information. Here are a few extra tips:

1. It is important that in the ensuing discussion and practice sessions you remain positive.
2. The answers to the questions should be upbeat.
3. No complaining allowed. (Let your child know that to a potential employer if they complain about a former employer or job, the potential employer will think that they will be complained about in public as well.)
4. You need to project an air of confidence and selfassuredness.
5. Be proud of your accomplishments.
6. Be direct and sisynced in your answers. Don't hem and haw.

And yes, even in the car as I drove him over to the interview we practiced and practiced how he answered these questions. Sometimes he forgot and became a little confused with his answers. I am certain it was nerves. He is fine when he talks about facts and figures, but when he talks about himself he always gets stymied. That is why he cannot go into any interview cold. (Actually he did that several weeks ago when we were trying to get him an internship with a non-profit and it did not go well. At least I learned from that fiasco.)

I have to say that CM1 looked very handsome in his suit. All dressed up he looked full grown, which I know that he is. No more my little boy, but a youngman about ready to enter the workforce and begin his journey into independent adulthood (well eventually).

In the end I think CM1 did pretty good. He did not get upset in public when he found out he was not eligible for the job. He came out and had me talk to the interviewer. I am certain that most 22 year-olds don't have someone talk to their mommy, so its one more item to think about next time. There were also a few other little quirks that we will fix for next time as well. But nothing drastic and nothing that would have kept him from getting the job if he had been eligible.

On the way home, CM1 was upset for the waste of time. But I tried to explain to him, and the behavioralist tried to explain to him later that day, that the practice was good for him. The only way to get better at job interviews is to go on job interviews. You don't have to have aspergers or autism to not be good at interviewing. Like so much in this world, interviewing is an acquired skill. There are very few of us to whom this comes naturally. So practice does make perfect. That is something he did come to understand.....eventually.

*****

On another, even more personal note, I have to tell everyone there were some very telling answers to some of the questions I asked my son. In fact answers I didn't even expect...took me quite by surprise.

When asked why he wanted to study computer science. He said it was his calling. He told me that when he codes and creates on the computer he feels like a wizard. Now you can't get better than that. I was afraid he would say because he has no idea what he wanted to do and he needed to study something practical. I was so overjoyed to know that this choice was made for the right reasons. That he is not only motivated and happy with his prospects for the future but that he is excited by what is to come.

The next answer I didn't totally expect came when we were discussing what he would say when asked why he studied history and the holocaust. He said, as I did expect, that history is important because its the only way to know where the mistakes were made so that the world doesn't make them again. (Not that the world ever does seem to learn from its mistakes, which CM1 pointed out in our discussion) But when he told me why he studied about the holocaust you could have knocked me over with a feather....

"On my skin I am an atheist, but deep down inside, at my very core I am and will always be a Jew."

You have to understand that everytime we plan to celebrate a religious holiday or we discuss something of a Jewish religious nature CM1 almost has a stroke. Religion really annoys him. He feels adherence to a religion is beyond superstitious and foolish. It's why to this very day he refuses to wear the Star of David I bought him for around his neck. I have tried to teach him that it is the history of the Jewish people that makes him who he is even more so than religion. That he should look at the Torah as the early history of the Jewish people and not simply a string of miracles. I have tried to get him to think about humanistic Judaism as the way to go.

That he is able to separate out the history of the Jewish people from the practice of Judaism while understanding who he is and where he comes from is something I didn't really expect. Perhaps that is the ultimate lesson he learned from his study of the Holocaust. That antisemitism, or any kind of hatred, has nothing really to do with religion, how you pray to God, your level of charity or kindness given to the world, but is based solely upon the irrational absence of humanity. An absence that sadly exists in ever growing proportions worldwide to this very day.

I try to teach my sons that they do not have to practice Judaism but that they should always be proud of their heritages, both as Jews and as Americans. Who knew that CM1 actually was listening when I was talking....I guess miracles really do happen.

Elise

Full Moon Rising

2013-04-19T02:55:00.000+03:00

From the international space station.....follow Cmdr Hadfield on twitter

Elise

We Are a "People of Parts" Not a Feeble Lot

2013-04-17T17:03:00.003+03:00

Gadsden Flag of the Sons of Liberty

Yes the original saying is "man of parts," but this being an egalitarian blog I decided to add in a little political correctness (oh no say it ain't so) to the phrase. Sadly I think it does lose the Elizabethan historical connotations in the updating, but sometimes you need to also grow with the times. Or so they tell me.

Now why all of a sudden is this saying important? Actually I blame it on Baroness Margaret Thatcher (a true friend of the United States) and a little Facebook discussion. We were talking about how many people simply do not like her due to one policy or another. I mentioned that a person is not a product of one event or one policy. But that the legacy of an individual should be written in their entirety. Just as the legacy of a nation should be taken as a whole, not through singular events. Human beings err. It is not the fact that they err at issue, it is how they handled the error and what they did for society in total during their lifetime. Who were they and what were they? Did the sum of the good out way the bad? Did they make certain that others looked back and learned from mistakes made or did they carry on as if nothing had happened?

When a great leader passes from the world stage it is time to reflect on your own reality. So I teach the boys that they are the "sum of their parts." They are not just one thing but an amalgamation of eons of evolution, thought, liturgy, education, societal development and above all conscience. We, "persons of parts," are taught to be people of conscience.

Conscience that keeps us glued to the TV for some answers about evil and trying to parcel out the thought processes of those that seem to lack the very essence of compassion. A conscience that demands answers for the murder of innocents yet knows that if there is an answer it will not suffice. For those who have a conscience cannot understand the evil perpetrated in Boston or in other cities around the globe that have been stricken by terror. (We cannot understand how the world cannot come up with a definition of terror either.)

We do not fathom those who excuse this evil (including some governments who appease this blight on humanity or scurry away in fear). For they are not "persons of parts." They are devoid of that which makes us all human after all, the human essence that raises us up above the snake. The understanding of right, wrong, love, kindness, joy, happiness and true life's fulfillment. Those that cause terror are devoid of that understanding of the human soul. Theirs is a warped ideology, for who truly loves death over life? Who thinks no matter what the circumstance that killing is a good thing, albeit sadly sometimes a necessary right of survival?

"Persons of parts" do not party nor embrace the cult of death. "Persons of parts" do not hand out sweets and celebrate when death comes barreling into their "enemies" world. "Persons of parts" understand the concept of necessary evil, and pray that we never have to face the reality of its chimera. That is the reality of a good and decent people. It is the gray in our world of absolutes. Gray areas are hard and relentless. They are the nadir of our conscience. They are the nadir of a "person of parts."

It is how you handle that nadir that says more about you as a human being, a person of conscience, someone with a soul, than any amount of politicking, allegiance or philosophy. For when you review your world you can never say "I was told to do thusly...." "Just following orders" will no longer suffice.

For we, as "persons of parts," are our choices. In fact our essence revolves around how we handled these outcomes from our choices. For we are individuals. Persons of parts. Imbued with the strength to chose our own path. It is how we chose to deal with the aftermath of such overwhelmingly violent hatred that says more about our nation, our people, the city of Boston and the world (just like after 9/11) than any bomb, terror or act of war ever could.

We are not a feeble lot the United States of America. Especially the city of Boston, which began our nation's journey into freedom. I wonder what Boston's Sons of Liberty would be doing today? I am certain they would be standing at the ready to defend liberty, freedom and the independence of conscience. I wonder what Margaret Thatcher, someone who fought terror on her own terms, would say to her friends in the United States, "Stiff upper lip Yanks" ..... never let the unconscionable decide your future.

Elise

Id, Ego and a Sense of Self

2013-04-11T14:10:00.002+03:00

One of the more confusing aspects of the boys' issues for me, at least lately, is the notion that they are perfect in class when the para is there but have trouble functioning on their own. An interesting aspect of this scenario is that the para basically does nothing for them when he is in class. Once in awhile he may interject and give them a social pointer but honestly as they and he tells me, he simply is THERE. At times I can say it becomes frustrating to me that the boys seem to not be able to control their own sense of self unless someone is physically in the room with them (as the issues that occurred this semester dramatizes). So I finally asked the psychiatrist what his take on this reality happened to be...

It's their Id and their Egos. He said. He explained that the way their brain works is that they cannot control both aspects of their personality at the same time and need to have a physical manifestation of their EGO to remind them to control that social part of themselves. I'm not one for psychobabble-gobbledegook, but this actually made sense to me. The boys need a human manifestation of their own social conscientiousness in order to function in these social situations. My next question is, how do we get them then to the place that they can function independently of the para? How do we get the locus of their identity internal to themselves?

Looking at the boys' lives, I realized that at no time are they truly ever alone. They are either with a para, behaviorist, me or hubby. It is interesting to remember that when they did not have support in the workplace there were issues with social interaction. CM1 has held jobs with and without support. The only time that working without a para was successful was when his boss had had experience dealing with person with special needs. When it was a person who had no idea what they were doing, it did not go well to say the least. The person truthfully violated CM1's civil rights. Sadly it was even a Dean at their college. We even offered to put the para in the workplace, but the Dean wouldn't let CM1 come back after the semester because of his social issues. (Old story, it was an on-campus job and we didn't sue the school because of how inclusive and understanding they are overall for the boys. I wasn't going to bite the hand that feeds me, so to speak. Besides this bigoted Dean of the Drama Department was about to exit the school so why punish the school when the "criminal" was leaving. We told the school to drop it. Listen part of being a warrior-parent is knowing when to pick your battles.). It is interesting to note, that at no time did anyone ever have an issue with CM1's work competency. His work has always been above and beyond. It is the social aspect of the work place that gets CM1 and I would not hesitate to guess that it will also be CM2's nadir in the future as well.

Interestingly, I just watched a Livestream of the New York Jewish Federation's Hilibrand Autism Conference that included an on-point presentation by Alison Singer of the Autism Science Foundation. She reported that aspergean adults who had been fired were generally never let-go for shoddy work, but because of social issues surrounding their jobs. It was how they interacted at the "watercooler" that did them in. (The conference was interesting because for the first time all aspects of the lives of adult autistics were the focus. Including how society is failing adult autistics, especially the higher functioning ones.)

Work-place appropriateness is an issue that the hubby has been harping on for years where the boys are concerned. Social face-to-face contact and how you react under work-pressure will dictate your future more than the fact that you have a genius IQ. They actually call it EMOTIONAL IQ. How to help the boys access this is our new goal. We have always concentrated on the social aspect of school and society in general. How to behave in a classroom, how to talk to peers, how to go the grocery store and find what you want, how to use public transportation...but never truly thinking that the workplace environment is really that much different. (Well I never thought it was that different, hubby, being in the workplace, knew better.) The reality is that the workplace is very different. Work related social skills are something that needs to be taught as soon as they reach the age of employment. There are different rules coupled with different requirements of behavior in the workplace and our children, like with everything they encounter, need those rules spelled out and they need to practice under this new societal norm.

What I have begun to realize is that in any new and stressful situation the boys seem to forget their self-help techniques and become overwhelmed by situations. The more social the situation the more stressful it becomes for them. The more unstructured the situation the more stressful it becomes for them. The more varied the situation the more stressful it becomes for them. The more stressed they become, the more the Ego cannot assert itself to stop the Id from overreaching. Perhaps this is the biggest issue with a workplace environment, the inconsistency and the unknown. Or as CM1 says, the curveball effect. Teaching them to deal with the vagaries of the everyday workaday world is the hard part of the equation.

In truth they cannot go through life with a para. Yes, the Tony Shalhoub character MONK does just that, but our goal needs to be true independence and true adulthood (and honestly Monk is TV and "play pretend" how people would accept someone with such issues in a professional position). The trick is how to get the boys to this level of independence at this moment in time. How do we actually get them to access their inner-EGO when their Id takes over with abandon?

Other than continued practice and practice and more practice, I am not so certain right now. Making them understand how they need to function and how they can help themselves is very important. To get them to realize their triggers for anxiety and rely on themselves to take a step back instead of needing that physical manifestation of their EGO is very important. Having them understand that it is all in their hands is the important aspect of this project. I'm not simply sure how to do it at the moment. Letting them fail is also not an option. I do not think children or anyone truly learns by outright failure. That is an old and anachronistic cultural idiocy. Thinking outside the box, preparing for any eventuality and making sure the rules, limits and boundaries are in place, is the way to go.

Without a doubt, workplace social skills education begins with finding an appropriate job placement for them that includes understanding bosses and office mates. Respectful people who will not be afraid to positively correct them when they make a social error and point out how the social contract in the workplace is just as important as what you produce, meanwhile applauding them for what they do right. Job coaching is the term of art. But sadly that reality is practically nonexistent. Not too many people understand how job coaching works and not too many people understand that it is temporary. Eventually the aspergean has to deal with the workplace on their own. They will make mistakes. We all do. But their learning curve needs to be accepted, expected and worked through

In the end, success for aspergeans in the job market, comes with an atmosphere of acceptance. An acceptance that needs to be taught simultaneously to the employer while teaching our aspergeans workplace survival skills. A survival skill that includes teaching them to use their own invisible EGO when their Id goes on a spree.

I'll keep everyone posted.

Elise

A Warrior-Mom

2013-04-10T03:23:00.002+03:00

Don't mess with my babies either......

Elise
P.S. It doesn't matter how old they get, they are still your babies.

photo care of Save Polar Bears

Holocaust Remembrance Day (Yom HaShoah) and the Warsaw Ghetto Uprising

2013-04-07T15:29:00.002+03:00

While Anonymous and their hacker-Jew-hater-pals are trying to wipe another 6 million Jews off the face of the Earth, those of us that reside in a civilized world will spend tonight and tomorrow remembering the 6 million Jews slaughtered for the crime of being a Jew. This year’s Yom HaShoah also coincides with the 70th anniversary of the uprising of the Warsaw Ghetto.

For more information about the Warsaw Ghetto Uprising:
The Ghetto Fighter’s Kibbutz Website
Jewish Virtual Library
PBS
History.com
My Jewish Learning
ABC

During his visit to Yad Vashem President Obama said these poignant words, “Israel does not exist because of the Holocaust, but because Israel exists there will never be another holocaust.”

Holocaust Timeline

Kaddish..the Jewish mourner's prayer:

********
Remember as parents of special needs children, before the Nazis began their slaughter of the Jewish people of Europe, they practiced their killing machine on those with disabilities. As I say, my boys are twice threatened by such hatred.A hatred that according to the Simon Wiesenthal Center is once again on the rise. Last year alone, antisemitic attacks worldwide rose over 30%, the worst of it in France.

Read (or reread) my Holocaust post: Social Justice, Humanity and Autism

Elise

Practicality: OCD Meltdowns and School Behavior

2013-04-06T00:12:00.000+03:00

Continuing on with the saga of CM2 and his ornery behavior....I had regaled everyone with the lack of social skills oversight which led to his behavioral meltdown in a class. Here is what actually happened that day:

CM2 is taking a theater class that involves going to see an actual Broadway play. Now seeing the play really isn't an issue. CM2 has been to plays before and has really enjoyed the experience. Of course we went to see Spamalot, which is a musical version of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, complete with every obnoxious and decorous butt joke that any adolescent boy would love. Now they added a new scene specifically for the musical. During one particular moment the actors decided that they had to put on a show to earn money but actually lacking any Jews in their coterie would be greatly hampered in their efforts. Hence they began to sing "We need a Jew." Well at that moment CM2 promptly started to shout in the theater "I'm a Jew..." He was ready to get up on that stage...So no, plays, Broadway and acting really are not a problem for him.

My concern for him going with the class quite frankly, was all the sensory issues that he has been enduring lately and the fact that he would be going into NYC without us. I understand that he is 19-years-old and most 19-year-olds go back and forth into NYC. But most 19-year-olds also do not have a para to aide them in class and also are able to go to the supermarket or pharmacy on their own. He cannot, not yet. He doesn't go with me all the time but he does go with his behavioralist so never without any supervision whatsoever. There is absolutely no way that he was going to go with the class to see this play. Even if the para went with him. All we needed was for him to become overwhelmed and run into the street or out of the theater or have a meltdown without anyone really knowing how to help him.

The professor as I mentioned previously is a really nice person and understood. She had no issue with hubby and CM2 going on another day separate from the class as long as CM2 had seen the play before the class discussion. So it was all set. We bought tickets. We planned a nice day for the two of them. Made it a matinee instead of a night show so that CM2 could do what he wanted Saturday night.

You know the old saying...man plans and God laughs? CM2 was furious that he was not going with the class. I started receiving text message after text message from him when I knew he was supposed to be in that class.

I told him: Pay attention in class. Stop texting. We would discuss it latter.

I am not a 2 year old. Dumbass.

No you are not. And don't call me a dumbass.

Why can't I go with the class.

You are going with Dad on Saturday. You don't even go to school on your own. Dad will go with you to make sure you are OK.

I am not a 2 year old.

What are you going to do if you go with the class and get overwhelmed. What will you do alone in NYC? How are you going to handle it? We will talk about this when you get home. Stop it.

At this moment apparently he also started calling out. He yelled out in class and was terribly disruptive. This is when they got the experienced para out of CM1's class to come back in for awhile. CM2 could not pull himself out of the space he was in. He could not let go. He was nasty. Challenged the professor at every turn and refused to quiet down. The experienced para took him aside and was finally able to make him sit quiet until it was his turn to preform. Which he did to great aplomb.

Now here's the real reason that he was upset about going on Saturday. It had nothing to really do with him being treated as a 2-year-old (well slightly it did but that was not the overriding issue). He enjoys watching a web show called STG Weekly. He would have to miss it "live" if he went to the matinee. His schedule was interrupted and his world collided with an unusual responsibility.

The next day hubby talked with him about what happened in class, why he was upset and what he could have done to behave better. Hubby also found out about the show and asked him if he could watch it in archive format? "Yes," came the reply. The issue is that he couldn't interact with the show and other chatters during the time in the archive. Hubby explained to him that there are times that work has to come first and that we were making a decision based upon what would be best for him in the long run.

In truth there would have been no way for him to have enjoyed the play at night. His nights are scheduled in his own way. He loses focus and his energy needs a reboot. He needs to spend his evenings regrouping from his day. He is not like other college students who could begin their study times at 9pm. He is finished by 8pm and needs that mental health space. Having to be on, surrounded by so many people, with the sensory input of NYC on top of the social requirements of the moment at the end of his day would have just been too much.

The meltdown of a 6 foot tall 200 pound youngman in NYC would have either engendered a call to the police from someone, especially if it happened in the theater, or he would have just been ejected from the theater and then what was he going to do even if a para was with him? He would have to wait for everyone else to finish the play. Where would he go and what would he do in the middle of Times Square in an overwhelmed and fragile emotional state? (At least that was my fear.) So I know I made the right decision. Question now is how could this entire scene been avoided?

I know that I mentioned it to CM2 weeks ago when I bought the ticket. He didn't seem fazed at the time. I now know that:

(1) I should have made him sit down and think about it and try to see if there would be any problems.
(2) We should have brainstormed together what to do if a problem arose in scheduling and how could that have been made easier for him. Perhaps having been home all day quiet and going on Saturday night would have been a good alternative. He would not have had to regroup from the day like during the weekdays.
(3) Discussing with him the archiving and how that would have to suffice for one day instead of him being hit broadside in class with the realization that his normal Saturday schedule was about to be uprooted.
(4) Knowing that the professor was going to discuss the play-trip on that day, I should have reminded him so he wasn't caught so unawares.
(5) I should have talked with him about why he isn't going with the class instead of making him feel like a 2-year-old and explained the reasons why going with his father was better for him. It has to be a very difficult thing being 19-years-old and seeing everyone around you very independent and you knowing that you still need support and help as if you were a non-adult-young-person.

The next question was how could the entire situation have been handled in the class so that CM2 didn't explode and interrupt everyone's education. Unfortunately this is an issue we have been dealing with since he was very little. He is terribly emotionally dysregulated at times and becomes overwhelmed because he truly does not know where to put his emotions. They just come to the surface and they are right there in your face.

For CM2 it is going to have to be preemptive intervention on our part and on the part of the paras.

(1) Maintaining a strict protocol for him during class.
(2) Reminding him of his social skills and behavioral requirements for class.
(3) Keeping an eye on any dysregulation that is beginning and try to intercede to help him through it. (4) CM2 is also going to have to understand that he is supposed to walk out of class when he gets like this and it is OK. No one will think less of him.

In fact, he did just that today. He quietly walked out of another class. They were discussing tics in his ecology class and he needed to leave. On top of CM2 being terribly bug-phobic the idea of a blood sucking insect burying into your skin made him feel terribly ill-at-ease to say the least. For those of us without any phobias, I find tics truly disgusting creatures. I actually even found one on me one day in the shower. It was a creepy thing. At first I thought I had developed a huge whitehead pimple overnight. Then when I went to shave I saw that it was actually an engorged tic. The razor cut it off my leg.. Lucky I did not develop Lymes.

OCD meltdowns are not issues that go away so fast. When faced with new and overwhelming experiences the emotional dysregulation prevails and no they cannot always help themselves come out of it. It is best if the situation can be avoided or at least preempted so that the individual remembers what to expect and can steel themselves for it emotionally. Also strict limits, boundaries and reminders of social behaviors can help if the person goes into meltdown stage.

Will it always work out? That day in theater class was a bad day, a very bad day. Today was a good day. Tomorrow who knows. We need to remember that at no point do we stop teaching our children and we must always stay on top of the issues. Self-help tools are our children's lifeblood in this situation. We consistently need to reinforce the tools we give them at every age and in every new situation.

Elise

Our Children's Wings are Meant to Fly....Just Like Everyone Else

2013-04-05T01:14:00.001+03:00

We become autism-warrior-parents so our butterflies learn that they too can spread their wings just like everyone else....

Spread your wings our little butterflies.....GO... NOW is your time....

Elise

Practicality: Remembering to Keep on Top of Social Skills and Behavior

2013-04-04T21:10:00.006+03:00

There are times, as our children grow, that we delude ourselves into thinking that some of our parental oversight is no longer needed. The reality is however, that as they grow, oversight becomes quite the requirement. In fact, in many ways, it is more important to watch what they do, who they talk to and how they interact with others as "adults" than when they were younger. Truth be told, once they reach the teen years it is no longer simply about "making friends." In fact interpersonal relationships becomes a much needed adult-world survival skill.

Most teenagers, despite the disconnect between the lobes of the brain, have an idea how to address adults in order to not get into alot of trouble. It is a self-preservation devise hardwired into their genetic code. This skill, unfortunately, does not translate to all aspergeans. In fact we are in the process of having to remind CM2 about the importance of respect and the proper way to address a professor withwhom you have a disagreement.

Calling the professor "stupid" is a big no-no. Yep he apparently did that. Lucky for him his professor is a very understanding person and quite frankly had no idea how to handle the situation. She didn't want to make too much out of the event. Truth be told, as a compassionate individual, coupled with not wanting to penalize him for his disability, plus lacking any real training on what to do at that point with a person on the spectrum, she really was at a loss.

Luckily, in the long run, for CM2 he had a bit of an OCD meltdown in class the other day (a topic for another post), which we found out about. That precipitated an email from me to the professor and the disability director. Happily a meeting ensured, at which we were apprised of all the issues from the entire semester. (By the way CM2 is OK now. Hubby talked to him and helped him work through the problem. Unfortunately, however, not before he did have a bit of a scene in class. Luckily the more experienced para was called from CM1's class and he was able to handle the situation at that moment).

Needlesstosay, the hubby and I were not pleased to hear how disrespectful he had become. To say the least CM2 was reminded how he is to talk to professors and threatened within an inch of his computer games for the rest of the semester. He of course objected and began to try to negotiate any possible consequence for his actions. I told him absolutely not. That what he did was not a joke, not funny and without the bounds of decency. I reminded him how lucky he is that after that incident the professor not only didn't throw him out of class but have him removed from the school entirely. In all actuality she had asked CM2 to leave the class but he refused to go. (This was in a transition time when he had to go one day without a para to class.) The professor was so taken aback she didn't really know what to do at that moment. Without the training and the support she required I am not surprised. (This of course is an issue for the colleges to address and it is something that should be done to help the professors understand their students alot better. A good teacher wants to understand how to help and teach all of their students.)

After I had vociferously apologized to the prof I told her that under no circumstances is that behavior allowed nor acceptable. That if he does anything like that again remind him that you are going to be letting me know. That should help curtail him somewhat. (CM1 likes to remind me that the reason he behaves so well in school, is that underneath it all he finds me scary...I say what ever helps them do what needs to be done in life.) We also discuss how the para needed to begin to support CM2 on a more interactive level. We had had to hire a new young lady who did not have much training in dealing with aspergeans or CM2 inparticular. She, I believe, was trying to give him space as you would any typical 19-year-old. That, however, is not what CM2 needs and he is not going to be allowed that leeway for the rest of the semester.

CM2's problem is that he, like an adolescent, likes to push his boundaries. Unfortunately he is not really an adolescent by age and it can be disconcerting when an otherwise "adult-aged" student acts like a bratty 14-year-old. It is not something professors are used to nor is it something they should have to accept. Honestly teachers shouldn't have to accept it either, however, as most middle school teachers will let you know, it happens on a daily basis (as my father {RIP}, told me quite often).

I sat CM2 down, in my kind, calm manner (hah) and asked him what made him think he could talk to his professor the way he did? What made him think that her class is any different than a typical lecture class? What made him think that the boundaries could be moved? This class maybe unstructured, but it did not mean that class decorum and respect go out the window. Class is class and a professor is a professor. I disabused him of any notion of his "rights" immediately.

We reviewed classroom behavior. Raising your hand. Speaking only when called upon. Being kind when speaking. Addressing the professor respectfully. Speaking kindly to other students.

The truth is that the students seem to make no never mind about CM2's machinations. They seem to take it all in their stride. The professor believes that that is because this generation is probably used to inclusion and CM2 is not the first student that they have come across with similar issues. Of this I can be pretty certain. But another point is that the underlying theme of this college is compassion and understanding. As I told the disability director, you do not come to this college unless you are a "menschy" person to begin with.

I can honestly say that the boys have not run into any bullying or nastiness from the other students due to their issues on this campus. Students may give them a hard time about their politics (CM1's politics are rather non-mainstream for this school not so CM2's) but they can hold their own in any political conversation. So I am truly not concerned about that aspect of their day to day lives. In fact I have seen CM1, who was bullied and alienated throughout high school, blossom with knowing that people will not pick on him and that he can hold his own in the real world. It took awhile but CM1 did learn that not everyone is going to treat him poorly in his life.

In the meantime, CM2 was given a good talking to about his behavior. We reviewed how he was to talk to the professor and how he is to behave. The para is going to have a sit-down and be given pointers on what she needs to do to better support CM2.

Now apparently CM2 has also not been participating appropriately in class (I am not surprised) and was told that because of that, and since participation is 50% of his grade, he is going to be given an extra writing assignment. The professor knows that writing is his strength and kindly wanted to figure out a way for him to earn a good grade for the class.

We had another talk about participation in class and helped him come up with how that can be accomplished. He discussed his sensory issues with the class and I explained to him that if he is having issues he can't ignore them. He needs to figure out how to overcome them. That asking for ideas and help is a good thing not a sign of weakness on his part. I also told him that his sensory issues cannot be used as an excuse to not participate. He needs to participate for the rest of the semester. I spoke to the professor about it and we gave her some written ideas on how to help him.

In truth it is not a good thing to ignore issues or problems. As an adult, in the real world, if things are not going the way they should you don't just throw up your hands an say forget it or ignore the problem. Adults need to deal with things head on. That is the only way to move forward and keep growing, moving at a good pace and being able to realize your dreams.

There are many issues that surface during the older teen years for aspergeans. When you think that they have the behavior patterns down, a wrench gets thrown into the mix and you learn another lesson. Eternal vigilance is the way to maintain democracy, it is also the way to make sure that your aspergean retains the ability to translate social concepts into new unfamiliar situations.

Elise

As a note to anyone who wants to listen: with the new generation of aspergeans attending college and the boys truly being only the tip of the iceberg, it would behoove colleges and universities to give some form of training or a lecture series for the professors in order for them to learn how to help these students benefit from their education. A good educator is not only interested in coming to the lecture hall but reaching their students as well. And yes I am well aware of the privacy issues involved with students being able to keep their disabilities to themselves, but these lecture series do not have to be pinpointed to anyone particular student. They can be a general understanding of the different types of learners coming to campuses these days and how the professor can reach out to the students.

The truth is that as the professor pointed out and she was completely correct, CM2's issues are entitled to be addressed, but at the same time, he does not have a right to interfere with other students' education nor how she needs to run her class. Professors need scripts and ideas what to do in situations when things do go awry where special education students are concerned. There is a fine line between an adult's right to privacy and other's right to an education. Truth be told, that is why so many aspergeans even though intellectually capable for college work, tend to drop out of post secondary education at a higher rate than a neurotypical student. There needs to be the proper support mechanisms in place and it can't all be left up to the pocketbook of the parents. Most cannot afford to provide the necessary support, which leaves their children in limbo without an education and without any future what so ever.

Which bring us right back to the issue of adult services for those on the autism spectrum and the lack thereof....as yet another post for another day.

April-Autism Awareness Month: Nothing Special Here, It's Just Our Daily Lives

2013-03-28T16:10:00.001+02:00

Repost from 2012. My thoughts and perspectives have not changed.

Next weekend begins autism awareness month. Just letting everyone know that I am not doing anything different than I normally do. I am not going on marches, walks or to rallies. I am not wearing blue. I am not putting a puzzle piece on my car. And no, this is not because of the on-going feud between ASAN and Autism Speaks. This is because everyday in this house is autism awareness day, week, month and year. We do not need to change anything we do in this house to "celebrate" autism awareness month. We are autism awareness.

They walk out into the world and the boys are dealing with autism and society. They walk into a store and the boys are dealing with autism and sensory stimuli. They walk onto campus and they are dealing with autism and auditory processing in classrooms. They walk onto campus and they are dealing with abstract reasoning issues and language processing. They walk into a restaurant and they are dealing with autism and the sights, sounds and smells of a new environment. They walk onto an airplane and the boys are dealing with autism and a fear of flying, change of schedule and an unknown adventure. They do their chores and they are dealing with autism and distractions and organization.

Everyday the boys encounter people and places and incidents that have an effect on their lives. When people interact with them these people learn about autism. When society sees them, society learns about autism. When professors contact the disability office to understand autism better, these people learn about autism. When doctors ask questions when they deal with the boys, these medical professionals learn about autism. When they walk onto campus and interact with their fellow students and these young people see how intelligent, genial and kind they are, more than anything else, these social interactions have a bearing on the future and how autistics are perceived by society.

Does prejudice still exist? Absolutely. That is what happened at CM1's job from last semester. (This was an incident in the fall of 2011. Since then CM1 and CM2 have had internships at which they are very welcome and very successful.) Yes a complaint was made. They told me that it was taken care of...I did not request that he be reinstated at his job. I am absolutely NOT sending him back into a situation where he could be bullied, picked on or made to feel inadequate. That would not be autism awareness that would be making my child a target and he has had enough of that in his life. If others want to live their lives like that then so be it. Go ahead. But that is not going to happen with my children.

Sue the school you say? You want me to sue the school that allows them every accommodation known to law and man. The school that allows them leeway in behavior at times because they understand autism and how hard it can be to process issues. The school that works with us and their doctors and their para and their entire village so that the boys may be able to access their brilliant minds. That school? Well no I will not sue under any circumstances that open, welcoming and highly understanding college for the misdeeds of one ignorant man. Sometimes in life you need to know when to hold, fold and call too. You really do need to know who your friends really are and how to say thank-you as well. That too is autism awareness, not to be perceived as ungrateful and self-centered louts.

By the way, sorry to all those who are mad at Autism Speaks and all those who support Autism Speaks, but I have issues in my life and who did what to whom and who dissed whom and whom represents whom is not one of them. Perhaps it is as we discussed in my last post, youthful passion that has dwindled. (here) I do not know. What I do know is that I don't like gimmicks. I don't like nonsense. I don't like disrespect. I don't like that some people treat my children as if they are specimens in a zoo. So fight amongst yourselves all you want. I don't care anymore. If this means you won't come back here too, then so be it. If it means you unfriend me on Facebook or unfollow me on twitter, then so be it. I have real fights to fight and real day to day problems to solve.

What I care about is that my boys are entitled to be seen on a daily basis as human beings with rights and freedoms as everyone else year round. That is what I am fighting for. Yes I know that is what the advocates are fight for too, but they are not here with me in my house, in the boys' school, at the supermarket, at the restaurant, at the airplane or the hotel. I and hubby alone fight this fight for the boys. We always have stood alone. No one has ever held our hands. My demand is that these advocates remember that their view is not the only one and that others do and have a right to disagree with them. So fight amongst yourselves, just make sure in carrying on, you don't fuck it up for everyone else.

You know, we fight everyday. Not for just a day, a week or a month, so everyone in the world can feel good about themselves. Pat themselves on the back. Talk about how society should support those with autism. How society needs to find better educational tools for those with autism. How society has to find better supports for children as well as adults, most definitely for adults with autism.Nope. I am not going to allow society to pretend how great they are because they heard a lecture about autism, talked about issues for an hour or two, or gave $5 for an autism walk or thought about how they might have known, possibly have seen, most decidedly came across someone with autism. This lets society off the hook too easy. Well I won't.

So society can make itself feel good about all that it does for the month of April. We will be seeing society the rest of the year too, every month, every week, every day, every hour. We are still here after April. Whether society likes it or not. And its how society treats my boys during those 11 months that really count. Concern doesn't count when society can give itself a public medal for how great they are because of what they did in April. It only counts when they care in August and January when noone is looking and its not considered the "cool" issue of the moment

Honestly, we cannot control every aspect of life and every aspect of society. All we can control is the little space that we inhabit on this world. So no, I am not doing anything different than I already do for autism awareness month. I am not going to ask the boys to do it either. They live their lives on their own terms, and that in and of itself provides society with knowledge and autism awareness. The boys' lives are autism awareness without them even thinking about it. Their lives are autism awareness because they exist and they are part and parcel of the world.

Elise

Apparently #SAHM Are Too Stupid to Apply for Credit

2013-03-25T20:19:00.004+02:00

I have to tell you I am mortified, flabbergasted, feel like I am living in an alternate reality. I decided to get a 0% credit card to transfer my credit card balance and save money on interest as I pay down my debt. Good idea..right? Of course right. So I went to my bank, which is having a promotion, and they put through an application for me. Additionally I added that I basically wanted a balance transfer from one card to the next. No biggie...We have great credit at our bank. Just finished paying a loan we had taken out for medical expenses from years ago. Was never late. Never missed a payment. They absolutely love hubby and me...well it turns out they love hubby...me, not so much.

Apparently Congress passed a law that states you can only apply for a credit card based on your income. You can no longer use "family income." The idea behind this thinking was that college students who were raking up tens of thousands in debt could no longer use their parents income to apply for a credit card. Hence putting themselves into excruciating debt that they could never repay and debt for which the banks have to take a huge loss. Now I don't know where anyone of you live but when I was in college I couldn't use income that I did not pay taxes on to apply for a credit card. I don't know how students can get away with using their parents income to apply for a credit card in the first place. OK sounds interesting...but that is not the point of this post, just the legislative intent behind the law.

The story continues: I had to call the main office of the bank to finish my credit card application. The man on the other end of the phone asked me what was my income. I replied that our family income was XXX. He said no they don't do family income since the 2009 law which outlaws it. I could only use my own income. I was dumbstruck...well not speechless per se but I had to regroup and try to assimilate what I had just heard. Needlesstosay, I did not handle that well and kinda, sorta began to yell.

Honestly, I wasn't really mad at him, I simply couldn't believe what i was hearing. I also wasn't sure that I hadn't been teleported backwards in time to when women were their husband's chattel and were not considered an equal partner in marriage. I figured next they were going to tell me that I had also lost the right to vote.

Here I am a respected member of my community being treated like I am an indolent child. Obviously according to Congress somehow I have no idea what my family finances happen to be, and am not capable of figuring out if we can afford a new credit card in the first place since I do not work outside the home. Apparently Congress doesn't think that "stay at home moms" know how to write checks, balance a check book or go to the grocery store without her husband tagging along or giving her an allowance as if she were 10. (It might have something to do with jealousy since we SAHMs balance our budgets yet Congress doesn't appear to have the intelligence to balance their budget) The reality happens to be that I cannot now get a credit card without my husband's permission. I cannot lease or buy a car without his permission. I cannot get an equity loan on my house without his permission. I cannot apply for any loans as an individual based upon family income. Yet I am singularly responsible for the taxes on that same "family income." In fact, if my husband disappeared tomorrow with all our money, I would, according to the US government, still be responsible for any taxes owed on that disappeared income because as a "family" we earned it. And we in the USA complain because the Saudi's don't let women drive and electronically monitor their female family members whereabouts. Obviously we really aren't so much more advanced than those who shroud their daughters' faces or practice honor murders.

Sad thing is that there has been a recommendation for a fix in this law (HERE) so that SAHM can continue to use "family income" to apply for a credit card but alas as per usual Congress has done nothing. I blame the women senators and congresswomen for lack of movement on this issue. I blame these so-called women's rights activists who look down their noses at those of us who choose raising our children over any thing else. I blame these same female know-it-alls who scream and yell about federally funded abortions, birth control and Title 9, but for an issue that actually has an everyday effect on the average family and a women's right to chose her future, about this they do nothing. The reality is, is that these female politicians and agenda-driven-harpies are nothing but a bunch of hypocrites, pandering to the common lowest politically correct denominator and ending up an embarrassment to their gender. Don't tell me that you care about equal rights for women yet deny equal rights to those of us who basically spend our days inservice to others.

Yeah I'm still mad. Really really really mad.

Elise