Raising Paityn

Adoption Blogger Interview Project

2012-11-13T22:49:00.000-08:00

I must admit to crying a bit reading many of Denise's posts. She endured a great deal of trauma surrounding the forced relinquishment of her baby son as a teenager. Then, after 25 long years of wondering, they were reunited. Hollywood would have ended the story there, but this is real life. And in real life, Denise's happy reunion with her son was marred by the realities of his mental illness. Their relationship has gone through difficulties and an estrangement, but they are currently reconnecting and trying again to form a relationship.

It reminded me, once again, that the story of adoption is usually presented as a beautiful one. A child is rescued and given to a grateful couple who go on to be wonderfully marvelous parents and they raise the child into a wonderfully marvelous human being. Adoption, though, isn't a fairy tale, and sometimes, the brokenness it causes never heals enough to allow the broken to become whole again.

Denise shares her story on her blog, write-o-holic, and in her memoir, Second Chance Mother. I would say that her blog touched me because I'm an adoptive mother. But that's not entirely true. Her blog brought me to tears simply because I am a mother, and the trauma she and her son endured when they were ripped apart broke my heart.

Please visit Production, Not Reproduction to read further Adoption Blogger Interviews. You can read my answers to Denise's questions on her blog at write-o-holic.

You relinquished your son in a different era of adoption. Many would say that today's adoption practices do not mirror those of the past. Do you feel as though adoption has changed all that much in the past 40 years? More specifically, do you think there are women today who are still being coerced into relinquishing their children?

I think the main difference between adoption practices then and now is that adoption agencies have had to get more creative — and yes, coercive — to fulfill the increasing demand for adoptable infants. From the forties through the early seventies, society was on their side. Single motherhood was unacceptable (unless she became a widow). Parents of teen mothers, especially those in the middle class, were mortified and would do anything to make the situation to go away. Thus, few provided support for their daughters, emotional or financial. And until 1973, abortion wasn’t legal.

Today, there are more couples than ever wanting to adopt. Some say it’s because professional couples defer starting families for so long that they are unable to conceive once they are ready. Yet, there are fewer infants available for adoption, due to abortion becoming legal and the elimination of the stigma against single mothers. Of course, there are many children languishing in foster care who truly need a family, but most adoptive parents want a newborn (or a baby in their first year) — so much so that they will go overseas to adopt, rather than opt for an older child. Which also, by the way, means they won’t have to deal with their child’s first family; I wonder if this is another incentive to go with international adoption.

Adoption is a multi-million dollar industry. I can’t swear to this, but I suspect the fees associated with adoption are far less through county social services than through agencies or private adoption attorneys. However, from what I’ve read, that process takes longer and is subject to more regulation. Adoption agencies are not regulated, can charge whatever they want, and often promise faster results.

The other change I see is the movement toward open adoption. I’ve heard of mothers who are undecided and thinking about keeping their baby are being coerced by the promise that they will be in touch with the adoptive family, receive regular updates and photos, and have visits with their child. I’ve also heard that this agreement is not legally enforceable in any state, and if the adoptive family breaks contact, first mothers have no recourse.

I’ve read that open adoption, maintaining the birth connection, is better for both the child and the first mother. I suspect, and hope, that is true. I applaud adoptive parents who are committed to upholding this agreement and maintaining the openness.

Your post on the word saudade resonated deeply with me. Saudade means: A feeling of nostalgic longing for something or someone that one was fond of and which is lost. You ended by saying that you finally have a word for how you felt those 25 years separated from your son. Do you think first mothers ever are able to "move on" with their lives after adoption? How have you been able to process the grief from your own loss and move on with your life?

That post was inspired by my first mother friend, Suz, who blogs at Writing My Wrongs. I had never heard the word before, but embraced it. Yes, it was somewhat descriptive of my feelings. On the other hand, a mother’s loss of her child is not simply “a nostalgic long” for someone we were “fond of.” It is primal.

I “moved on” at the time because I was told to. It was expected, and when I couldn’t I thought there was something wrong with me. So I tried harder. I buried the grief, pretended that the experience of being pregnant, giving birth and relinquishing my son never happened. But the grief, the longing for my baby, the truth of what I had been through, never went away.

Because I was emotionally “in hiding,” from myself and others, I wasn’t able to process any of those feelings until I reunited with my son. And then they hit me with a vengeance. It took years and a lot of therapy for me to begin healing from that loss and make some semblance of peace with the past. And there are still residual effects.

So, yes, we move on as best we can. But no, I have to say that I doubt that mothers like me ever truly recover.

I have heard many adoptees say that they will always be adopted, and that adoption cannot help but influence so many aspects of their life. Do you feel that this is also true of first mothers?

Yes, they will always be adopted, and we will always be the mothers who “surrendered” them — whether by choice, force, or anything inbetween. There is no undoing of that, even in reunion. Hence, it impacts both of our lives forever.

Much has been written lately comparing the PSTD (post-traumatic stress disorder) experienced by soldiers returning from war to emotional repercussions among first mothers. I can attest to being easily triggered by the memories — whether by something someone says (examples: when people innocently refer to a new baby as “a keeper,” as if my son wasn’t, or an adopted child being “chosen,” which implies I didn’t choose my son), the sound of a baby’s cry, or the smell of hospitals.

Your post (Perspectives) talked a bit about the complex relationship you have with your granddaughter as a result of your son's demands on you and your estrangement. You also talked in another post (Birth Granny), about how adoption runs in your family. What can you say about the complexities of adoption and how it doesn't just impact the immediate people involved, but extended family and even generations down the line?

Excellent question, and a difficult one to answer briefly or in one concise swoop!

I should note that my son and I are no longer estranged. We’ve been in and out of contact for a number of reasons during our 16 years (so far) in reunion. The last time we ceased communication (and it was my call) lasted for a few years. Although we were already having some new problems, the major cause was his threat not to let me see my granddaughter if I didn’t bend to his needs and wants. Eventually I was able to see her when she visited his ex-wife (the “mother” with whom she’d spent the most time as a child).

My g-daughter didn’t understand why her dad and I weren’t speaking. I don’t know what he said to her and I did my best to explain without trashing him. She was the impetus for my decision to “try again” with my son. I saw him at one of her chorus recitals in May and I invited him to lunch for his birthday a week later. Some air was cleared, although I am still gun-shy and careful not to let myself fall into any of the old traps. Right now, it’s going very well.

As for my family history of adoption… I didn’t know until after I reunited with my son that, 1) he and his first wife had relinquished two sons (a two-year-old and a newborn) when their marriage failed, just five years earlier; or 2) that my mother and her eight siblings (ranging from age 17 to newborn) had been given up by their mother after their father died in 1929. My mother was raised by an elderly couple in their small town, and had been so ashamed that she didn’t tell us, not even my father. She said that she was an only child, both of her parents had died, after which she was taken in by another family. The truth was revealed only after her youngest sister found and contacted her. Imagine what a shock it was to learn this, all within a year of reconnecting with my son and after two decades of believing I was the only one in my family who had suffered this loss.

So, yeah, lots of complexities. No one in my family except my parents — not even my sister and brother — knew that I’d had a child. My mother wanted to keep it a secret even after I reunited with my son. In the end, I stood up for my truth and shared with everyone. My aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews and siblings were thrilled to learn about my son and welcomed him with open arms.

I worked hard to integrate my son into the family, introduced him proudly and encouraged them and him to build those relationships. Perhaps what most saddens me is that he was the one who defaulted on those connections. He said that he wanted a family more than anything and yet he did not reciprocate, and in fact his behavior around those who lived close by drove them away. As a result, even though he and I have made peace (again, for now), I cannot rally others to let him back in. They have lost interest and, like me, trust in him.

This adds to my sadness, yet I realize that, like my initial loss of him, I have to let go of what I cannot change.

You wrote a memoir about the relinquishment of your son, your eventual reunion, and the fallout from it. What compelled you not only to write your book, but to continue to work so hard to get it published when you were repeatedly told people only want to read memoirs about famous people?

My original intention, about four years after I reconnected with my son, was to write a reunion guide for mothers like me. I had experienced so many ups and downs, made lots of mistakes, and I planned to research (with input from therapists and those who had been through reunion) and provide advice that would help other mothers. When I pitched this book to agents and publishers, I was advised to write the memoir — probably because of the multi-generational aspect of adoption in my family. It’s a pretty sensational story.

Writing my personal story was cathartic. Then I realized that I could still help other mothers, adoptees and anyone with a dysfunctional family history, as well as educate the public about adoption issues, by publishing it. The rejections I received in response to my queries — especially those that said there was no market for my book, despite there being six million first mothers in the U.S. alone — simply reinforced my determination. I worked on the manuscript until I was certain it was the best it could be, and I kept pitching it until finally a publisher accepted me.

Sharing my story has been even more healing for me than writing it. In fact, I’ve discovered that I actually enjoy talking about it and answering people’s questions. The feedback I have received as a result has been so rewarding. I’ve come to believe that I was meant to write Second-Chance Mother. I hope to write another book (definitely not about adoption!), but even if I don’t, I feel as if I have accomplished my goals — and more.

I started blogging simply because I love to write, and raising my daughter was my main focus at the time. After our adoption, I incorporated that aspect of my life into my blogging because it fit in with now being an adoptive parent. Why do you blog, and especially, why do you blog about adoption?

My initial objective with blogging was to create a following for my book, which years ago I thought would be published any minute (LOL!). That didn’t happen, but ultimately I did have a following among adoption-related bloggers, which has been invaluable since the book came out. More importantly, I have developed some very close friendships with other first mothers and adoptees, and learned a lot from their perspectives.

My first blog was totally focused on adoption issues. It got too personal, which was my fault. I revealed too much information about myself and my son, without his knowledge or permission. First mothers and adoptees were fighting and slamming each other in the comments. So I shut it down and, because by then I was addicted to blogging, I started a new one — http://write-o-holic.blogspot.com/ — where I address a wide variety of topics.

Bottom line: I blog because, like you, I love to write, and I love to address topics that will interest people and open a discussion. I write about adoption in particular because it is so close to my heart, something that is always on my mind.

Thank you, Denise, for sharing your heart and voice. I feel as though this interview project did not just give me another perspective on adoption but also connected me with a new friend.

Beautiful Blogger Award

2012-11-13T14:37:00.003-08:00

Last week, Mandi from Sweet Tiny Blessings nominated me for the Beautiful Blogger Award. I have "known" Mandi for some time now, and I really enjoy both her blog and her friendship.

Part of accepting this award is to follow a few rules. I'm a rule-follower. I always have been. So, in the interest of adhering to the rules, here it is:

Thank the person who nominated you.

Thank you so much, Mandi! You were well-deserving of this award yourself, and it was so sweet to be mentioned by you.

Post the award image on your page.

Done.

Tell seven fun facts about yourself.

I can touch my nose with my tongue. And curl it into three little loops. Sorry, no picture proof will be provided. You shall have to take me at my word.
I majored in Biology in college simply because my high school guidance counselor told me I couldn't handle a science major. Four years later, I could say with satisfaction, "Hah, proved you wrong!" only to then wonder what I was going to do with my degree.
I have read the Harry Potter series so many times I've lost track. But I can quote Hermione in almost every applicable (and often non-applicable) circumstance. "Twitchy little ferret, aren't you, Malfoy?" See? Totally non-applicable.
I have always wanted to write a book based on my childhood. It was a combination of Stand By Me (minus the dead body), Now and Then, and The Sandlot (minus James Earl Jones).
I always sing in the car when I'm by myself. Which is made funnier by the fact that I live in the Bay Area, so there's a lot of traffic, and I frequently sit on a very crowded freeway, music blaring, totally rocking out and intentionally oblivious to the stares of my neighbors.
My favorite number is 6 because that was my favorite age. First grade was a good year.
Speaking of numbers, I'm not good with them (although one of my degrees is in math. Go figure). When I learned my numbers as a child, I gave them all personalities so I could remember their order. I still sometimes think of their personalities when I use numbers today. Which is why I am glad we are stopping at seven. Eight is a real snob.

Nominate 15 other bloggers for this award.

Goodness, that's a lot. And I never really liked 15 (he never liked being in the middle, so he always crowded up against 16 to keep from getting left out). So, I guess I'm breaking the rules. Scratch what I said at the beginning about being a rule-follower. I'm a rebel. Bring on the leather jacket and James Dean movies.

Miranda, from A ThankFULL Heart. She always grounds me with her words and reminds me that sincere gratitude is one characteristic of a beautiful heart.

Emily, from BabyBerry. She makes me feel a part of her small-town, family life when I read her blog. It's like a cup of tea with a dear friend.

Erica, from Let Why Lead. Besides being a fellow Bay Area resident (which means when she talks about places she goes, I take notes for our weekend explorations), she shares little bits of everything. Motherhood, marriage, recipes... what her life is all about. It's what my life is all about, too, so I relate so much to the words she shares.

Denise, from write-o-holic. Denise is a first mother who blogs, in part, on her own experience with adoption. Her voice is refreshingly honest in a way that is straight-forward without being offensive, a hard road to walk for many people.

Additionally, Denise is my partner for the Adoption Blogger Interview Project 2012. Please stop back tomorrow to read our interviews with each other!

Open Adoption Blogger Interview Project 2012

2012-10-31T11:21:00.000-07:00

As you can probably tell from the lack of posting, life has slowed down very much for me these past weeks. However, I am very excited to be working on an upcoming adoption related post!

Heather from Open Adoption Bloggers organizes an Adoption Blogger Interview Project each year. I'm excited to be participating this year, and I'm even more excited to be paired with a first mom.

Denise describes herself as a "daughter, sister, friend, birthmother, wife, stepmother, grandmother, reunited mother, writer, blogger." She reunited with her adult son in 1996, and she wrote a wonderful book about this experience called Second Chance Mother. I'm only a little ways into the book, but I can see already that Denise is a very talented writer, and I'm looking forward to our Q&A collaboration.

Please be sure to check out Denise's blog, write-o-holic, and check back in the next few weeks for our responses to each other's questions regarding our adoption experiences.

Five Minute Friday - Look

2012-10-19T14:47:00.000-07:00

It's so nice to be back and participating again in Lisa Jo's Five Minute Friday. It's like a cup of tea on a rainy day, but in words and pictures.

Today's prompt: Look....

I look at you both, and I am washed in an overwhelming tide of emotions. Love: the deepest, sweetest love. Happiness: the very purest form of which I never knew existed before you two. Longing: a deep, aching longing to hold you both so very tightly and never, ever let go of this here and now moment.

But the moments bow to the will of time, and they flit past me in spite of my frantic grabs and pleading words.

And so I look and look and look, drinking ravenously before the cup is removed from my lips.

I see you playing together. I see Livie's awestruck admiration of her big sister. I see Paityn's arms hug her little sister.

I see my littlest one watching the world around her, taking in all the newness.

I see my big girl (when, oh when, did she get so very big?) laughing with joy and starting to remember her experiences long after they have passed.

I look, and I see you.

My beautiful, smart, sweet, wonderful girls.

I see, God. I look, and I see how incredibly blessed I am. I ache with the fullness of it.

And so I scoop you up in my arms, relishing the feel of your little bodies safely tucked against mine. I look into your faces and see the love reflected back at me, and I am so humbled and grateful.

So grateful that I can see you: the greatest gifts of my life.

When real life interferes....

2012-10-18T12:33:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, real life really interferes with this blog, and this past month has been one of those times.

First, work has been... interesting. That's all I can really say about that, but it has caused my husband and I (we work at the same company) a lot of stress and worry. It's hard to write creatively when you are consumed with, well, for lack of a better and more vague description, I'll call it "work drama."

Second, Livie has hit that stage where she doesn't want me to put her down at night. It's not easy to type and hold a sleeping watermelon who likes to sleep in bizarre positions draped across your body. But I remember how very quickly these days pass by, so I'm not complaining. Just explaining.

Third, this new blogger interface is just awful. In my endless spare time, I'm investigating switching to Wordpress as well as brainstorming a new title for my blog. I'd love to have a new one before Livie turns a year old because my life and this blog are no longer just about raising Paityn.

Just to fill you in a bit on the good stuff that's been happening in our lives, here's some pictures from our trip to Disneyland in September. It was just a month ago, but it feels like forever. We had the most amazing time, in spite of the unbelievable heat. It was like a million degrees. Ok. Seriously, though, it was like a thousand degrees. Besides that, though, we had so much fun on Livie's first trip to visit the Mouse. I will never forget how much my little girls enjoy the magic of Disney, and I'm so glad we are able to take them.

I promise I am back, now, and I'll be working on some blog posts this weekend. I have missed you all so much!

It's a Minnie Party: Outfits!

2012-09-11T23:22:00.002-07:00

Have you entered my giveaway yet? It's a chance to win a set of custom cupcake toppers! They would be perfect for any birthday party or upcoming holiday party (Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah...)

I found the cutest Minnie dresses on Etsy for the girls to wear to Paityn's Minnie Mouse birthday. Jaz from Cutie Flair did a fantastic job on the matching dresses. Paityn and Olivia looked absolutely adorable. And I can't wait to have them wear the dresses again at Disneyland next week!

No Minnie outfit would be complete without ears. I found these adorable clip on ears from Nicole at Head 2 Toe Designs. Hats don't fit very well and headbands hurt behind the ears, so neither of those types of ears have ever lasted long with Paityn. But she has worn these ears for several weeks now, often just instead of bows. We get a lot of compliments on them!

I love doing birthday photo sessions, and I couldn't resist putting the girls back in their birthday outfits for the session. They looked so adorable! And both of them had such a great time with the photographer.

Next up, the actual party, with a special appearance from Mickey and Minnie Mouse!

Etsy stores mentioned in this post:

Cutie Flair
Head 2 Toe Designs

Linking up with these wonderful blogs:

Angry Julie Monday
Naptime Momtog
Baby Baby Lemon
The Paper Mama
Parenting By Dummies
Project Alicia

Get an update with my after-party posts:

It's a Minnie Party: Favors!

It's a Minnie Party: Decorations!

Remembering Christine...

2012-09-11T14:31:00.004-07:00

Every year, we come to this day. These 24 hours in September where every American somberly remembers exactly where they were on this day in 2001.

Today, I'm years away from the tragedy and thousand of miles away on the opposite coast, but as we all do, I remember every single moment of that day.

I remember the terror. I remember the heartache. I remember the fear. I remember the feeling of being only hours from the tragedy, the automatic denial that this could be happening in my home state.

Thousands of lives were lost that day. So many names. Each name was someone who mattered to someone else. Each life extinguished on 9-11 was some mother's child.

Every number was a real person.

It was too much to fathom. I could not bear to hold all the pain I was seeing.

So in the days that followed, I clung to one name. One person became my touchstone for all the grief and sadness and heartache. In a blinding sea of names, in a whirl of grief too large to manage, I held tightly to just one.

Christine Hanson.

She was the youngest victim, on a plane with her parents and bound to visit her mother's parents in California. While there, they were going to go to Disneyland and meet Mickey. But they never made it.

Christine became the person on whom I centered my own grief in the days after the tragedy.

She was only two and a half years old.

I thought of her again last year, when they had the ceremonies for the ten year anniversary. Her name came up in one, and hearing it, I was immediately brought back to that consuming pain when I first clung to her name and found a single person to mourn in the overwhelming grief.

Last year, when we went to Disneyland, my own daughter had just turned two years old. It was shortly after 9-11, and so I thought again of Christine. I thought of how she would have been there, experiencing everything Paityn was, had not evil intervened and robbed her of her life. I thought of her parents and all they must have wished for her. All the dreams they must have had for their daughter's life. And how they must have clung together in those final moments.

I looked at my own baby girl, the same age that Christine had been, and I soaked in that moment in time, knowing that every future moment is not a promise and carries no guarantees.

At the end of this week, we are leaving for Disneyland. When we are there, I know I will again think of Christine. I will mourn her young life, a shining light that was put out too soon.

In a sea of names, I cling to hers again today. Christine, I remember you.

If you are here for my SITS day, I do have a post here for you to "meet me." But today is a special day, and I could not let it pass without honoring those we lost eleven years ago on this day. And remembering Christine...

It's my SITS Day!

2012-09-11T02:09:00.001-07:00

I feel like dancing in the street!

But I won't. Because this isn't Glee or Sister Act II (although don't you wish it was?), and I definitely can't pull off the dancing in the street thing.

If you aren't clicking over here from SITS, allow me to bring you up to speed. SITS stands for "The Secret to Success is Support." Isn't that so true? And what better support could a little blogger like me find than a group of 40,000 women dedicated to supporting each other through comments, forum discussions, and learning about blogging.

Every Monday through Friday, The SITS Girls feature one blogger, and today is my day! I'm considering it my belated birthday present, so thank you SITSahs for stopping by and celebrating with me.

Let me tell you a little bit about myself.

I love writing. Which is mostly why I started blogging. I work at a very technical and, quite frankly, often boring job. This is my main creative outlet.

I have two little girls who are the main subject of pretty much every post I write. I can't help it; they are cute and inspirational and, together with my husband, they make up my whole world. I love sharing pictures, sweet memories, and my life as a mom. I'm a little bit all over the place.

Paityn, the namesake for this blog, just turned three and we celebrated with a Minnie Mouse bash. I can hardly believe our days of endlessly nursing and cuddling to sleep are behind us, but I'm enjoying this little person who is constantly challenging the world and striving for independence.

Olivia is seven months old and is our wonderful surprise baby. She came to our family through a rather sudden adoption, and she has brought such joy into our lives. We have an open adoption with Livie's first parents, so our little family expanded by three when she came into our lives. Livie is growing far too fast for my liking but I'm trying enjoy her babyhood now that I know how quickly it passes.

Besides that?

I work with my husband. Yeah, we're dorky that way.

I'm a New York girl. Upstate, not City. (Sending my love to NYC today.)

We love to travel, especially to Disneyland and Disneyworld. We spend most weekends traveling around the Bay Area or going into San Francisco.

Oh, and my favorite meal is super-hot french fries and a chocolate shake. Look, you got a vegetable and a protein, the cornerstones of a well-rounded entree, so don't try to tell me that isn't a legitimate meal.

I am super-psyched you stopped by. I love getting to know my readers through comments, so please share your thoughts!

Oh, and I'm hosting a wonderful giveaway, so please stop by and enter!

Some of my favorite recent posts:

Letter to my little one waiting in heaven

A mother's road to self-acceptance

How to encourage your child to love books

Wordful Wednesday: A foggy beach day

It's a Minnie Party: Decorations and a Giveaway!

2012-09-09T22:30:00.007-07:00

I had a lot of fun planning the decorations for Paityn's party, and even though I didn't have time to do everything just as I pictured, I still thought it turned out quite nicely.

I'm also very excited to be hosting a giveaway for one of my favorite Etsy stores, Claudia Cupcake Lady! She is giving one of my readers a custom order of a dozen toppers of your choice and it can be used anytime within six months. I purchased the Minnie Mouse set for Paityn's birthday, and they were absolutely perfect.

To enter the giveaway, leave a comment for each of the following (don't forget to make each entry a separate comment!):

~ Visit Claudia's shop and leave a comment telling me your favorite topper

~ Follow @claudiacpkelady on twitter and leave a comment telling me your twitter name

~ Pin this post to Pinterest (there's a "pin it" button at the end of the post) and leave me a comment with your Pinterest username (or, follow me so I see it)

I had every intention of taking a ton of great pictures, but I didn't even have time to change before the party started. As I mentioned, time wasn't in my favor for this party. I'm a little sad, but this was also my first time throwing a kid's party, so I feel better prepared for next time.

The Happy Birthday sign was made from the Minnie printable I purchased from Photo Designz. It was really affordable and much cuter than anything I saw at the Party Store. I cut slightly larger circles from black cardstock as backing to add a little dimension. Then I strung the letters on ribbon.

There are the fabulous cupcakes again. The icing was absolutely amazing. I will have to share the recipe with you; it's a really simple cream cheese one that was sweet without being overwhelmingly so.

Cute confetti, too, right? They are from Mooses Creations, and I thought they added a really cute touch to the tables.

I made the Minnie Topiary, and I'll share a post on that soon. It was an immense amount of work, and I intended to make two but ran out of time. It turned our really cute, though.

The cute cookies from A Cookie Jar looked great and tasted so good. The sign (I used the same one for all the food I served) and the napkin wrappers are also from the printable package.

I managed to hook our nanny and Dan on Starbucks coffee drinks, but I got the cute glasses I wanted. My wonderful mother-in-law wrapped them with ribbon for me, and the straws are from Shop Sweet Lulu. The straws were cute, but I don't think I'd get them again. They tasted a little weird, or maybe it was the texture once they were wet.

One hint if you decide to do this for glasses (and you so should- they are super cute!): dishsoap dissolves the sticky junk from the labels really easily. It only took me scrubbing for half an hour on two glasses to figure that out.

I love these polka dot balloons! They are also from Shop Sweet Lulu, and we got them filled at the Party Store the morning of the party. These were one of my favorite touches.

A couple cute tissue poms and more balloons.

I used pillar candle sticks and just set plates on top to hold some more cupcakes as a centerpiece for the table.

Next up, the outfits! Of course, Minnie Mouse inspired.

If you missed it, I shared previously about the party favors.

Etsy stores mentioned in this post:

Claudia Cupcake Lady
Mooses Creations

A Cookie Jar

Photo Designz

Also:

Shop Sweet Lulu

Get an update with my after-party posts:

It's a Minnie Party: Favors!
It's a Minnie Party: Outfits!

The best birthday ever

2012-09-08T22:11:00.000-07:00

This summer, as I knew it would be, has been very challenging. I've had so little time to put into this blog, and that's hard for me, because I love my readers and I love writing. And I love this tiny little corner of cyberspace that contains so many of my memories.

But real life comes first, and my husband has been putting in crazy hours at work for over a month. Break out the straight jacket and cue the men in white coats because the boy has lost his mind. He works all day, comes home to help me put Paityn to bed, then heads back to work until 4:00 or sometimes 5:00 am. He's also been working the weekends.

Dan amazes me. Truly. How he can do this and remain coherent and do the amazing software programming that he does (I test it, so I should know) absolutely floors me.

I'm so lucky to be married to someone who takes providing for his family so very seriously. I just have to say it. He deserves so much recognition, and I'm so proud of him.

Last week was my birthday. (Cake, anyone?) Since turning, oh, 27 or so, every birthday has been "my 21st." Which is interesting this year since my little brother turned 21 last month. So for a year, I guess I have a twin. Then I get to be the youngest again. Whoo-hoo!

Conveniently, our nanny had some doctor appointments that just happened to land on my birthday, so I got to take the day off to play stay-at-home-mommy. Sometimes, the planets just align.

I decided to take the girls to the Monterey Bay Aquarium. Dan and I have loved this place since we first went there six years ago. It's absolutely amazing. We haven't been since last November, so I was excited to go again.

This was the most amazing birthday I've ever had (sorry, Dan, the NYC surprise trip was amazing, but the girls just edge you out). It was one of those days I will remember years from now when my girlies are grown up and busy with lives of their own. There were no tantrums, so grumpies, no irritations. Just a perfect day with two perfect girls.

Happy 21st birthday to me!

Revisiting: Why We Chose Open Adoption

2012-09-06T10:54:00.002-07:00

This month's prompt from the Open Adoption Roundtable is to discuss our reasons for choosing open adoption. I discussed this topic several months ago, and truthfully, I don't think I could write a better post stating my husband's and my feelings on the importance of open adoption. It's also one of my more popular posts and I believe it speaks well to the importance of open adoption. So, I'm reposting it here today with an update since it's also been about six months since I wrote it.

We continue to see Livie's first parents every month, and over time, the awkwardness is fading. Her first mom and I text and email frequently, and I'm starting to slowly overcome my natural shyness that I always have with new people.

I love open adoption. I believe that having Livie's first parents involved in our lives is very important to her, but I also feel that they enrich our lives even apart from that. They are wonderful people, and should Livie grow up to resemble them in character, attitude, or life choices, I would be very proud. She's already so like them. I see her mom and dad in her, and I love talking about her behavior and attitudes with them and finding commonalities.

Legally speaking, we are filing a form with our adoption finalization to ensure the adoption remains open. We chose to do this mostly for the security for her first parents, as Dan and I as the adoptive parents hold all the legal power. Unfortunately, from what I have read, the ability of her first parents to enforce our agreement is quite flimsy. This bothers me quite a bit, but I know that Dan and I have every intention of keeping the adoption open. Still... it should be an legally enforceable agreement that would require actual real reasons to change it, and the impartiality of a judge in order to do so.

It is absolutely beautiful to see the three of them together, and my continuing hope is that over the years, we will only experience greater closeness as Livie grows and develops her own relationship with her first parents. I am grateful for our open adoption because I know that having this connection with Livie's first parents is a gift many adopted children are either denied or unable to have due to differing circumstances.

For almost everyone, knowing where you come from provides roots and a sense of belonging.

I can tell Paityn that she's English and German on my side, and Italian, Polish, and Irish on her father's side. I can tell her about her great-great-grandfather who traced our genealogy back to Mathias ___ who came to America in 1628 and settled in Boston.

We want Livie to know her background, too, and her heritage is unique to her genetic family. We can provide love and family, but we cannot provide her a history.

We want Olivia to know her first parents from the start rather than go out to find them at 18.

At some point, many people who are adopted have a desire to meet their first parents. This is only natural.

We wanted Olivia to grow up knowing her first parents so that there would never be a potentially awkward and emotionally difficult meeting for her later in life.

We wanted Livie to know that she was loved and that the decision to place her for adoption was made out of love.

While we could be the ones to tell her this, it would never mean as much as it would coming from her first parents. She has a right to ask the hard questions, and hearing the answers from first parents who will be present in her life since her earliest memories will, we hope, be easier.

We want to avoid secrecy and an open adoption dispenses with any possibility of secrets.

Studies have shown that keeping a child in the dark about her adoption is usually psychologically damaging. While we have no intention of keeping Livie's adoption a secret from her, having her first parents involved ensures that she will grow up with this arrangement as her "normal."

We wanted to have a source of medical information.

This is a rather pragmatic, but still important, part of open adoption.

We wanted the first parents to know Olivia.

Adoption is a wonderful thing. But the truth is, it leaves at least one person, and often two or more, hurting and alone.

Prior to meeting Olivia's first parents, we had plans for an open adoption. After getting to know them, one reason we wanted to ensure ongoing contact was to provide healing to them. It is not an easy decision to place a child for adoption, and never knowing that child can leave the first parents forever wondering.

We don't want Olivia to wonder with no way of getting answers.

Someday, Livie will have lots of questions.

"Is my other mom good at math?"

"Do you know if my other dad is good in sports?"

I want her to know the answers to these questions, and I won't know them all.

There is no such thing as being too loved.

Livie is so blessed! She came into this world with double the number of parents loving her.

I'm not a big fan of labels; I use the words "first mother" and "first father" in this blog to avoid confusion and protect their identity. At home, we call them by their first names with the girls. And we often refer to them as Livie's mom and dad, something which doesn't bother either Dan or I. They are, after all, Livie's parents.

I think there are all kinds of parents, and we view Olivia's "first parents" simply as another member of the family. Not just her family, but ours. Because once she became part of our family, those who are important to her are important to us.

Their presence in our lives doesn't take away from our place as Livie's mama and papa. It simply adds to the number of people who love her. If children can love step-parents or others who are not blood related parents, then we see difference in Livie loving both her first parents and her adoptive parents in different and equally special ways.

We want what is best for our daughter, and we believe knowing her first parents is in her best interests.

I have been asked how I can handle having Livie's first mom in her life. My response is that Livie is my daughter, and my love for her means that what is comfortable or easiest for me has no place in making a decision for her best interests.

Interestingly enough, her first mother also put aside her own feelings and did what she felt was best for Olivia when she chose us to be Livie's family.

I choose to believe that my daughter will have a big heart. One that is big enough to love Mama and Papa and her first parents, too. Truthfully, I hope she will love them. Perhaps she will call them Mom and Dad, too, someday. Either way, I want to believe that we are raising a daughter who will have a capacity to love more than just a couple people.

It's my hope that Livie's first parents are a big part of our family forever, just as she is. But this type of relationship is always in motion and never concrete. People grow, change, move... I pray that through all these changes, Olivia's first parents are a constant presence in her life. I want them to be as permanent in our lives as she is.

As her mother, I believe that part of my job is maintaining our relationship with her first parents until she is old enough to do it herself. I think this is the healthiest decision for her future.

So I will do my best to ensure she grows up knowing the couple who gave her life. For all the reasons above, but mostly just because I love Olivia that much. And I know they do, too.

It's a Minnie Party: Favors!

2012-08-29T10:47:00.005-07:00

I spent several months planning for Paityn's birthday party, and I became a total Etsy addict.

In the end, it went fairly well, although I didn't do as much as I had pictured. My husband is smack in the middle of a major software release at work, so I've been spending most evenings and weekends taking care of the girls myself. This doesn't lend itself to doing lots of party prep. But, as I work with my husband and really need him to finish the software so I can finish my testing of it, I kinda understood.

I'm going to break out all the different parts into several posts. AND... I am super excited that one of my very favorite Etsy finds, Claudia Cupcake Lady, will be doing a giveaway of a set of cupcake toppers!! So stay tuned for that.

We were having a smallish party with several adult friends and two families whose daughters are Paityn's best friends. Since I was only buying for four girls (I included Livie and set hers aside for when she is older), it meant there was a little bit more money to spend on purchasing nicer favors.

I took to Etsy and spent hours scouring for some unique favors.

I found these adorable Minnie bracelets from Stargazing Lily that I had customized with each girl's name. They are so cute! I've never seen anything like them in stores. They came in little pink bags- perfect for favors.

I wanted something really unique and fun for the girls. After a lot of Etsy searching, I came across The Laughy Giraffy. They sell these cute little crayon rolls that are perfect for traveling or taking to dinner to pass time. Since there's not much Paityn loves more than coloring, it was perfect.

But the Minnie roll they had wasn't quite right simply because the color did not match the party color scheme of pink and black. Never fear! The Laughy Giraffy loves custom orders!

The Laughy Giraffy can do large crayon rolls, which I purchased, that hold 16 crayons, or small rolls that hold 8 crayons. The crayons were included.

Pink Minnie polka dots!

Early on in my planning, I fell in love with the black and white polka dot boxes I saw for holding favors. I contacted several Etsy stores that sold them, but all refused to sell me such a small amount (I only needed four). I was getting worried when I came across Just a Little Favor. Jody sold me the exact number I needed, and they were so adorable!

The favors fit perfectly in the boxes. In the bottom, I used the packaging that came with my order from Shop Sweet Lulu. I love recycling!

I couldn't leave out the adults! I had already purchased Minnie Mouse cookies from A Cookie Jar, but I was concerned because I was only a few weeks away from the party when I decided to use the cookies as favors plus have some on the table. I knew I hadn't ordered enough.

Susan was so kind and added on another dozen to my order, which was a relief. They came in little clear bags with ribbon, so all I did was repackage one of each size back into one of the bags and tied a tag I printed from my Minnie printables set.

Unfortunately, I didn't get a picture of my repackaging. I set one aside after the party to take a quick shot, but my daughter ate them before I could!


The cookies arrived beautifully packaged. They were packed so carefully in bubble wrap that not a single one was broken.

Paityn was sooo impatient to sample one!

They were pronounced to be delicious.

Favors done! Finally, at midnight on Friday night.

Up next, decorations.

Etsy stores mentioned in this post:

Stargazing Lily

The Laughy Giraffy

Just a Little Favor

A Cookie Jar

Photo Designz

Also:

Shop Sweet Lulu

Get an update with my after-party posts:

It's a Minnie Party: Decorations!
It's a Minnie Party: Outfits!

An Adoptive Mother's Perspective on Adoption Destiny

2012-08-28T16:23:00.001-07:00

A certain NY Times article caused quite a stir in the adoption world last week. It was called "Adoption, Destiny, and Magical Thinking," and it basically discussed the very common saying among adoptive parents that they were meant to be connected with their adoptive child.

It certainly caused me to think very deeply about my own feelings regarding Livie's adoption.

From the time I was young, I wanted to adopt. When we met Livie's first parents, without any intervention from an agency and through seemingly random ways, it did feel as though there were larger forces at play.

Do I believe that we were meant to be Livie's parents? Yes, I do.

That statement requires a lot of clarification, so please keep reading. I'll try to explain the thoughts that have developed slowly for me, over the course of time since adopting Olivia seven months ago.

Adoption is inherently sad. It is full of grief and brokenness and hurt. It shouldn't even exist, but it does. Children should always remain with their parents, but sometimes they can't. There are many different reasons this happens, from parents being unfit to a young woman feeling she has no other option to parents dying and leaving behind an orphaned child.

When we were first considering adoption, I was incredibly naive. Livie's adoption happened so suddenly that I had no time to educate myself properly in the way that I have since then. My views and feelings have changed since then, some drastically.

I see the adoption industry for what it is: an incredibly flawed institution that requires serious examination and change.

But one thing has not changed: I believe Livie's first parents were meant to find us.

Why? If I believe that adoption is flawed and that children should stay with their parents, why would I believe we were meant to adopt Livie?

Because I believe that we are the very best second choice for Livie.

Second choice.

I don't believe God wanted Livie to be taken from her parents. This breaking of a family was not part of His grand design. I believe that the grief caused by adoption is often because we as a society have failed our children.

We have judgmental attitudes towards unwed mothers, especially young teens. This attitude is especially pervasive in the Christian community, one of the greatest sources of adoption propaganda. (Yes, propaganda. Let's call a spade a spade.) The primary cause of homeless teens is family conflicts, and although I found greatly varying statistics, certainly a percentage of homeless girls are kicked out of their homes for becoming pregnant. It certainly was not unheard of in the Christian circles where I grew up.

Society in general, quite apart from religion, has harsh views of mothers on government assistance. Unwed and young mothers are the usual target of welfare reform discussions and are frequently judged for getting pregnant or for keeping their children. Frequently, they are viewed as a drain on our country's resources and a burden to the taxpayers. They are mocked in reality shows. They are viewed as lesser than older, married, and seemingly more stable mothers.

Adoption agencies and even popular thinking thrive on these ideas. Pregnant mothers who fall into these categories are not frequently given the "You can do it!" speech. Instead, they are told that if they love their child enough, they will give them up to people who are better able to care for them. Sometimes, this is the right decision for the mother and child. But I think that often, there is more we could do to help keep a family together.

There is so little support for young or financially struggling mothers. What of the homeless girl who gets pregnant? The college student who is raped? The young professional with thousands of dollars in student loans feeling as if she is just not enough? Are none of these women not capable of being wonderful mothers if given the right support structure? If some of the thousands we pour into the adoption industry were diverted instead to family support, what would happen then?

I am not saying that any of this has anything to do with my daughter or her first parents, specifically. Nor am I saying that all adoption is bad or that it isn't often necessary.

These are simply thoughts that have developed for me in the months since adopting. I don't have the answers. But I feel that in general, the attitudes and failures I described contribute to the adoption of many children rather than the retention of families.

I do believe that Livie's first parents made the best choice they could given their particular set of personal circumstances (which are not necessarily defined here). And yet, I still wish that I could give my daughter her first family, whole and complete. My heart aches for her. I hurt for her first parents.

I would not say that the events that lead to a mother being separated from her child are the divine hand of God. I think that in our case, God took what was broken and put it together into something different.

I look at my little girls, and I cannot imagine my life without them. Truthfully, my belief that we were meant to be Livie's parents is not so different from how I feel about Paityn, who is my biological daughter. Dan and I have often discussed that we feel Paityn was sent to us because we would understand her. I believe I am the best mommy she could have.

But with Livie, there are other factors in feeling I was meant to be her mother. Always, I will know that our family was created at the cost of something beautiful and precious and natural.

My original simple statement: Yes, I believe we were meant to be Livie's parents... because of circumstances that prevented her from being with her first parents.

Though I might believe our meeting was too random to be chance, I do not seek to minimize the truth that Livie was born into another family and was never "meant" to be our daughter from the very first. In my original, pre-adoption naivete and ignorance, I might have once felt some version of entitlement, but experience has taught me differently.

While I know that I'm God's second choice as mother for my daughter, she will never be second choice for me. I acknowledge the imperfect circumstances that brought Livie to us, accept that she may feel very differently about them than I, and realize that in a perfect world, I would not be the lucky one who gets to be her mother. But here she is with me. And I am blessed beyond measure to be allowed the gift of raising and loving her.

Because there's really nothing so sweet as....

2012-08-24T13:40:00.000-07:00

... chubby baby legs....

... a beautiful face with chubby cheeks....

.... chubby little wrists with exploring hands....

.... and the surprised look when those chubby little legs give way under a baby just learning to stand on her own.

Don't worry. Mama came to her rescue, and she was soon squirming out of my hug to stand on her own again.

So, I guess thank goodness for chubby little tushies to pad those falls.

Linking up with:

Friday Favorites

Give Me Your Best Shot

Foto Friday

Some little girl around here turned three last week

2012-08-23T15:13:00.000-07:00

My little girl turned three last week. I do believe it was the most bittersweet birthday yet, but then, I said that last year, too.

I'm incredibly thankful for these milestones. We are blessed with healthy little girls who are smart and sweet and wonderfully full of life and laughter.

But my mama heart aches to see this time pass by so quickly.

Paityn reminds me so much of myself when I was little; she is always talking about when she is grown up and bigger. I laugh and give her a knowing smile.

Don't be in such a hurry to grow up, lovey. Being young is an incredible gift. Take your time unwrapping it.

It's going to take a couple posts to cover all the birthday related photos. Today, I'm sharing pictures from her actual birthday with just her dad and I and Livie.

At the unearthly hour of 6:00 am, Paityn was bouncing and ready to go. I'd love to say that she was up early because of excitement, but no, she's usually up early. We call 7:00 sleeping in around our house. So you will have to excuse the poor lighting in these pictures.

I was also so far in between sleep and awake that I think I might have actually had my eyes closed for some of these pictures.

A friend at work who has a daughter a year older than Paityn frequently gifts us with hand-me-downs. A few weeks ago, she brought in a Snow White dress her daughter had recently outgrown. I wasn't sure if Paityn would like it or not, but she was ecstatic and has already worn it enough times to rip it playing, in true princess style.

I found a matching Snow White dress from an Etsy store for her Bitty Twin doll, Sarah, and couldn't wait to give it to her. The dress is perfectly made and truly beautiful.

She was slightly excited.

We went to the California Academy of Science in San Francisco for the afternoon. It was our first visit, and we will definitely be going again. Mostly because someone was a wee bit tired from her early wakeup call and wasn't really in a site-seeing mood. She perked up when we went downstairs to the aquarium, though.

The adorable mouse ears I bought for her party but she wanted to wear them early. They are also from an Etsy store. She got so many compliments on them!

The Academy of Sciences has a grass roof and the windows are for the rainforest exhibit below. It was, as usual for August, a frigid and foggy day.

Etsy stores from this post:

Minnie Mouse ears (size small, bubble gum pink bows) from Head 2 Toe Designs. Livie has a matching set.

Snow White dress for Bitty Baby from Barbara's Classics.

Guest Post: In which my best friend shares about me

2012-08-22T04:00:00.000-07:00

My best friend, Jessica, and I have known each other practically our entire lives. We grew up seven houses and one park driveway apart from each other, and we were inseparable. We went to the same school, rode the same bus, and loved the same things.

Her family moved to Minnesota just before I turned fifteen, and it was devastating for both of us. We spent hours and hours on the phone on weekend nights, talking and laughing until the wee hours of the morning. During the summers, she and I would spend the months at each others houses.

Where most friendships might fade, ours never has. Jess knows me better than anyone else and always will. We may be separated by half a continent, but we still get sick at the same time, finish each others sentences, and always know exactly the right thing to say.

I hope you enjoy getting to know me better through her memories!

Jess and I as little girls. Best friends always.

What is your earliest memory of me?

Well, since I’ve known you since near infancy… This is hard. I think the earliest memory I have is of us coloring in our coloring books out on our red picnic table. I left my coffee can of crayons out in the sun all day and they melted.

Ah, yes, the red picnic table. Mine is playing with you in your basement during neighborhood Bible study and taking turns getting into your play oven. Not cooking in it, but actually climbing into it.

What is your favorite memory of our friendship?

Playing “Heart and Soul” on the piano.

Dueting together. Most likely Heart & Soul.

(How about the time we dissolved into such giggles at a Pioneer Girls' concert that we couldn't even play it?

Mine is all our trips to A&W in the summer, which was right outside our little neighborhood. We'd scrape together some change and manage to get enough for lunch. We'd sit in that booth for hours! And then go play mini golf next door.)

At A&W! When I was pregnant and both of us were back visiting our hometown to see our other best friend's new baby.

You and I used to read each other’s stories when we were teenagers and offer opinions and critiques. What’s your critique of my writing now?

Soulful, potent, and entertaining.

(Thank you so very much.)

Your family moved away when you were 15 and I was 14. What would you say is the key to how we have still managed to maintain our friendship?

Ultimately love, commitment and survival. We both wanted, needed to be in each other’s lives because we are each other’s halves. We’re soul mates. (Definitely! Soul mates ain't just for married folks!)

We have two other best friends we’ve known since kindergarten. What is your favorite memory of the four of us?

Swing dancing in the living room after watching “Wild Hearts Can’t Be Broken”.

You and I are almost more of a couple than Dan and I are. So, Dating Game style, think fast and answer the following about me (easy-peasy, right?):

Easy peasy. Okay, here goes:

Favorite color. Pink

Favorite food: French fries

Favorite book: Jane Eyre

Place I’d choose to vacation if I could pick anywhere: Australia

Most embarrassing memory: getting run over by Jesse Herriot (Yeah, that definitely ranks up there! Especially considering I landed with my skirt over my head.)

First crush: Jesse Herriot (even after he ran me over)

Favorite summer memory: Barbies and the P.J.s under your tree (Yes! The P.J.s! Jess and I both went to different garage sales on the same day and bought the same stuffed flamingo and gave them the same name... without knowing the other had done the same.)

Biggest pet peeve: stupid people (I'd say more ignorant people- like racists or bigots, but they are stupid, so we'll call it the same.)

Paityn definitely takes after me (and her Aunt Jessie) in the imagination department. I know I have mine, but what is your favorite thing that we pretended?

Easy: our never-ending journey to The Great Valley, battling the Night Riders and warping into different worlds…as unicorn pegasuses.

Auntie Jess with baby Paityn.

You and I grew up in the same neighborhood, went to summer camp together, attended the same school, rode at the same barn, babysat for the same children, and even lived together. But we’ve never worked together. If we did, what kind of job would it be?

It would definitely be on a horse ranch. (Definitely! Perfect.)

What was I like as a little girl?

Bossy. Sure of yourself and what you deserved. Sensitive. Imaginative. Stubborn. You were an ungodly picky eater, but always had the best food at your house. You were remarkable at memorization – songs, stories, quotes, et cetera. You were a good leader, compassionate, and you really, really, really liked French fries. Heh….”were”. You still are and do.

At the Golden Gate Bridge. Jess and one of our other best friends (there's four of us) visited me after my miscarriage.

You love writing and have authored quite a few blogs. What is your best advice to writers?

Go with your instincts. Anything creative requires a deeper sense of self and intuition. Following manufactured formulas for “good” writing results in soulless script. Write what you know. Don’t underestimate simplicity. Writing is a craft that takes time, life experience, trial and error, and a lot of work.

When we fail to count our blessings

2012-08-14T14:54:00.001-07:00

Last week, Dan and I put in an offer on a house. This was our third offer in the past six months. Again, we lost out to significantly higher bids, tens of thousands over the asking price. Buying a house in California is not fun.

I'm ready to have a house. I'm impatient to have a house.

I want a house.

So I was pretty upset. And I indicated this to God.

I think a fairly accurate picture of how this indication went down would be to imagine me stomping my feet, crossing my arms, pouting my lips and shouting angrily, "It's NOT fair!" Followed by a wee bit more stomping.

Paityn would be so proud of how well I can throw a tantrum. It's truly spectacular.

I don't think God speaks to us in a great booming voice. But He has always clearly spoken to me, usually in my mind when words just spring into being and I know they are not my own thoughts.

And this is what I heard, in a far gentler voice than my entitled rampage deserved. Booming might have been more appropriate, but that's not really how it works.

It's humbling to be called out by the Creator of the world.

Images flashed quickly through my mind.

The homeless man who had stood on the corner as I drove past on my way to work. His faithful dog next to him and a shopping cart full of his possessions off to the side as he dug through the trash looking for breakfast.

The poor, emaciated baby I saw on a blog talking about the famines in Africa and how the starving babies nurse constantly, desperately hoping for a drop of milk to abate their hunger.

My dear friend's trip next week to a Romanian hospital orphanage she serves with her charity to bring basic supplies the babies would otherwise go without.

The true "not fair" in life.

I bowed my head in shame and repentance for my pettiness and quietly begged pardon.

So many of my blessings sprung suddenly to my mind.

Two healthy children and a wonderful husband.

Jobs, which enable us to put a roof over our children's heads (even if it is a rented one- yes, God uses sarcasm on me to great effect), food on their plates (or in their bottle, as the case may be), warms beds to sleep in.

Enough left over to provide abundantly with vacations and nice clothes and toys.

Freedom. Safety. My life.

I felt so small. And petty.

It's easy to get wants confused with needs. To get caught up in the dash for this or that. It's not that it's wrong for me to want to buy a house. But it is wrong to be so caught up in that desire that I am unable to recognize the greater blessings I already have in my life. God asks us to count all our blessings, not just those we decide are worth it. Had we gotten the house, I would have been very thankful. When we didn't get it, God still expected me to be thankful.

Needs, not wants.

It isn't a verse, but I think this stems from Biblical thought: true happiness is wanting what you already have.

What do I want? A house, which is really just a place to call home.

As long as I have Dan, Paityn, and Olivia, whatever roof is over our heads is home. So, I suppose that really, I already have exactly what I want.

Five Minute Friday - Here

2012-08-02T23:53:00.001-07:00

Today, I'm honored to have one of my past Five Minute Friday posts shared over at Lisa-Jo's, the host of Five Minute Friday. It is one that is particularly special and meaningful to me, especially this month, because it is when I first shared about the loss of our baby to miscarriage. I grieved a lot last month, the four year anniversary of our loss, but now it is time to focus on the present.

Here...

Three years old is peeking around the corner.

It feels like only yesterday I carried you inside me. I remember the feel of you moving inside of me. Feet and elbows trailing across my insides and making funny bumps. Hiccups making my tummy bounce rhythmically.

First cries. First feeding. Long nights. My tears mixing with yours. Oh, it was so overwhelming! Hours spent holding and nursing you.

Smiling. Crawling. Laughing. Standing.

And suddenly, before I could blink, your first year was behind us.

Walking. First words. More nursing. Running. Tiny arms wrapped around me as you slept. Your first "I love you."

And then you were two.

I could look back forever at these days. Or I could think about the when you are old enough to take on longer trips, or get dressed by yourself. I could find myself longing for just a little more independence because caring for a baby and a almost three year old is so tiring sometimes.

Instead, I will savor here. This day. This ordinary moment.

Because I know how quickly these ordinary days tumble one after the other until another year has spilled out and can never be gathered up again.

When a mom becomes a party planner

2012-08-02T04:00:00.004-07:00

Hi, my name is Tiffany, and I have an addiction to Etsy.

I'm planning Paityn's Minnie Mouse themed third birthday. It's going quite well, from my perspective, at least. I think Dan is ready to check me into Etsy rehab. I can't help it. There are some seriously creative people on that site!

So far, I've accomplished most of what I listed when I first told you about the party.

My husband is drinking Starbucks drinks at an alarming rate. I fear that the ingenious idea to use the cleaned containers as a substitute for more expensive glasses has created an addiction. Our nanny loves them, too, so I am now responsible for getting two people hooked on Starbucks frappucino and mocha coffee drinks. Which means I am also now responsible for maintaining their supply.

Oy.

I'm still pretty satisfied, though. Those glasses are going to be cute.

A couple weeks ago, my daughter went to a friend's birthday party at Chuck E Cheese. I'm not much of a fan of The Cheese. I will never forget how excited I was to go when I was little and how disappointed I was when I finally went to a party there.

The ball pit smells like feet. The pizza tastes like cardboard. The prizes require three hundred tickets you have to win by being skilled at video games, which I have never been. Besides, they are all cheap, plastic junk. Like a miniature yo-yo. What are you supposed to do with a mini yo-yo? The string is too small to actually yo (is that the right word?).

Anyway, Paityn was so excited when she came home. "Mama, can we have my birthday party at Chuck E Cheese?"

I'm not going to lie. I was seething. Ungrateful little mini-me.

I tried to keep my tone from being too peevish, but I'm afraid I was fairly unsuccessful. "No, you may not. I'm planning you a really nice Minnie birthday. Besides, Minnie's coming. Don't you want Minnie to come?"

Reflective pause.

"She can come with us to Chuck E Cheese."

Grrr.

I told her that only Chuck E Cheese is allowed there. They have to split the characters up and not have them all in the same place because they have a lot of kids to make happy.

She didn't really buy it. I'm raising a child who is far too smart. I really should be scared.

Instead, she asked Dan if we could go to Chuck E Cheese for his birthday. He of course said yes. Short of wearing a full face of makeup and a pink tutu to a Browns game, I don't think there's anything my husband would deny his girls.

It doesn't help that he's a giant kid who I know I'll have to drag whining out of the foot-smelling ball pit when it's time to go.

Back to my Etsy addiction.

I couldn't resist sharing some of my purchases and ideas so far. I am sharing links to the Etsy stores, too. I have had fantastic experiences with all the stores and highly recommend them.

1. Ribbons purchased to make these cute topiaries.
2. Cute clip in ears purchased for both girls (although now Paityn wants party hats... sigh.)
3. Adorable invitations sent.
4. Minnie dresses purchased for both girls. (Perfect with the ears for our trips to Disneyland in September!)
5. Fondant ears and bows purchased for cupcakes. (Paityn's latest request is for banana cupcakes... from the girl who only eats the frosting.)
6. Minnie inspired cookies for dessert and the adult party favors.

Get an update with my after-party posts:

It's a Minnie Party: Favors!
It's a Minnie Party: Decorations!
It's a Minnie Party: Outfits!

Goodnight, My Angel Love

2012-07-31T12:10:00.002-07:00

This day comes every year. The day where I have no beautiful words, so I cling to those others have written. Songs where heartbreak and loss and grief thread together a chorus that echoes the ache I feel in my heart.

Grief may dull with time and become an ache instead of a piercing pain. But it remains with us always. I've learned that grief is not an enemy, but our friend.

Although it hurts, without grief, we would be void of love. It is a testament to the deep love that we have for someone when our hearts ache so terribly once they are gone. It is a way for our loved ones to live on even when they have flown away.

Our grief means that they existed.

Our grief means they were loved.

Our grief means they mattered, no matter how long or short their life.

They were precious here on earth.

And now they are precious to heaven.

Such a short time

Such a long road

All this madness

But I know

That the silence

Has brought me to His voice

And He says…
I’ve shown her photographs of time beginning

Walked her through the parted seas

Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes

Who could love her like this?

So I will carry you

While your heart beats here

Long beyond the empty cradle

Through the coming years

I will carry you

Guest Post: Consequences and Positive Parenting

2012-07-25T04:00:00.002-07:00

I first met Susan through BlogFrog when she shared a series on discipline. I was immediately hooked on her blog. I am a firm believer that discipline is "teaching" and that there are far more constructive methods of parenting our children than those supported by mainstream practices. I learned so much from her that I asked if she would be willing to share a post summarizing her series on discipline.

Do you spank your children? Is it working? Consequences do not need to be physically hurtful, demeaning, humiliating, or full of nagging and scolding. The trick is to reward positive behavior and have established consequences for poor behavior. Remain calm and remember you are the role model and example of good behavior. Three questions to ask when delivering a consequence are:

Is it justified?
Is it respectful?
Is it reasonable?

TIPS ON CONSEQUENCES

Together discuss and establish rules and consequences before undesirable behavior occurs and tempers are out of control. Here are some tips:

Clearly and simply state expectations according to your child's ability to understand.
Briefly give the reason behind your expectation.This will teach children to think logically.
Make consequences reasonable, respectful, predictable, consistent and reliable.
If a child ignores an expectation, briefly state the consequence. Younger children may need a reminder before you enforce a consequence. However, if that warning is purposefully ignored, immediately follow through with the consequence and stick to it.
If you want children to listen to you the first time, then you must follow through on expected consequences, each and every time.

Don’t set consequences you won’t keep or make ridiculous threats you have no intention of enforcing. That is why it is important to have already thought-through consequences. Do not feel guilty about enforcing a consequence. The child made the wrong choice. You may want to use empathy, such as acknowledging that you realize the child has had an important privilege taken away, but the next time they will know that you mean what you say and follow through every time.

Too much has already gone wrong if you slap or spank a child. Prevention, good role modeling, praise, and established rules and consequences will lessen the need for consequences. You may be interested in my post Caught Being Good.

Spiritually Speaking printable

TIPS FOR INCREASING GOOD BEHAVIOR

Limit time children spend in front of electronic gadgets. Real back-and-forth communication and interaction is necessary for growth in vocabulary, expression, comprehension and social skills. Pre-approve electronic games or tv shows checking for violence, disrespectful attitudes, or words and actions that you do not want your child to imitate.

Allow children to experience logical consequences. They will become better prepared to make the right choices when you are not around.

Structure the environment to support appropriate behavior. Young children need action. They need time for hard physical play to release stress, learn social skills, develop motor skills, and to just be a kid. Children learn from using blocks, paint, crayons, scissors, glue, playdough, water, sand, puzzles, swings, and natural outdoor materials. Young children need activities that are just right for their age. The goal is for children to accomplish what they can do. Hands-on discovery through using the five senses enhances the joy and meaning of learning and extends the learning time.

Treat children with unconditional love. It is the behavior that is unacceptable—the child is loved no matter what has happened.

Parents are the most important people in a young child's life. Be a model of good behavior to help them grow into respectful, happy, creative, contributing members of our society.

You can visit Susan at her blog Kindergarten & Preschool for Parents & Teachers. For a glimpse into Kindergarten, see her book: Kindergarten: Tattle-Tales, Tools, Tactics, Triumphs and Tasty Treats for Teachers and Parents. Now available in print on Amazon and Barnes & Noble. Also available for Kindle and soon for the Nook: The Happy Mommy Handbook: The Ultimate How-to Guide on Keeping Your Toddlers and Preschoolers Busy, Out of Trouble and Motivated to Learn.

Letter to my little one waiting in Heaven

2012-07-24T04:00:00.001-07:00

Source

Dear Lovey,

I have thought of you every day for four years, but you already know that, don't you? I know God passes on my daily messages to you. He's a very patient courier.

I miss you as much as I ever did. They say time heals all wounds, but I think it just gives you time to get used to how they feel so you know how to endure the pain.

But this is July, so I miss you even more now.

Four years. The tears that spring to my eyes and the pain in my chest defy that it's been that long. Wasn't it just yesterday that your papa and I were holding hands as the doctor showed us your tiny heartbeat? I stare at that photo still, but I can't see your features any better now than I could that day. It's the only picture I have of you, so I try so hard to see you in it, but you are just a little jellybean. So tiny.

I wonder what you look like now, in heaven, where your body is whole and perfect. I'm still here on earth, so you are much wiser in the ways of the heavenly realm than your naive mama, but I picture you growing up there. Are the angels your playmates? Do they watch over you very carefully? They might be angels, but that doesn't mean they are good babysitters. Do you play hide and seek with sunbeams? Your little sister, Paityn, loves the moon. Do you help God hang it in the skies at night so she can see it?

I don't talk about you much anymore, and I wonder if you are feeling left out. I wanted to explain to you that it's not because I don't miss you or that I love you any less. (Mama's hearts are funny things, you know. They only grow bigger, never smaller.)

It's just that people don't really understand. They were always telling me that if you were here, your little sisters might not be. Or that there was probably a reason you flew to heaven- maybe there was something wrong with your body.

They mean well, but they just don't get it.

They don't understand that grief isn't logical, and all the reasons in the world don't make me miss you less. I wish all my three babies were with me, and wishes don't have to make logical sense. They are the deepest cravings of our heart.

Besides, it makes people uncomfortable when grief goes on past a certain time period. It's hard for them to understand how I can still have a broken heart four years later. In time, I have learned to carry my grief and speak of it only when it can help others who have to say goodbye too soon to their own little loves.

Only four years since our goodbye. Forty-four years from now, I will still cry for you. I will still be sending you messages through my prayers. I will still be asking God if He could kiss you for me and squeeze you tight. And I will still spend the month of July missing you the most of any other time.

This month, I watched the fireworks on the Fourth and thought of how I stood there in Monterey watching them while you were safe in my tummy. They showed them on the tv, and I watched them for a few minutes and missed you. Do you remember how I stood with my hands over you?

I look at pictures from that trip, and I see such happiness in my face. I couldn't wait to meet you, to hold you in my arms, and the months until you would be born seemed impossibly long.

I won't speak of the grief of those weeks once I lost you. You, my little love, can never fully understand grief because it doesn't exist where you live. Do you even know what it means when God tells you that I miss you? Or is that feeling completely foreign to you as well? You must be far more familiar with love, joy, and laughter. I'm glad you don't understand my grief. There are blessings in pain, and that is one of them. You will never experience anything other than utter and complete beauty in the eternity that marks your existence.

Time marches on, little one. Here on earth and there in heaven. Only your time marches into forever and mine is marked by the distance of my life until I finally meet you. I miss you, so very much, but I'm not in a rush to join you. I have your little sisters still to love and care for and watch grow, and they need me. I know that you can wait a while for me still, so I will divide my heart between heaven and earth for now. You keep holding onto the piece of my heart that flew away with you when you left, all right, love? I've learned to manage without it.

I'm sure by now you are trying to squirm away from Jesus as He reads this to you and run back to dance with rainbows and throw stars into the Milky Way. I'm sorry I'm rambling so. It's just that it is hard for me to fit everything I want to express to you into mere words.

I love you so very, very much. It will feel like forever to me, but for you, it will feel like moments until we meet. And when we do, be ready for me to never let you go again.

All my love,

Mama

Wordful Wednesday - A foggy beach day

2012-07-18T13:14:00.000-07:00

"The Bay Area is so beautiful, I hesitate to preach about heaven while I'm here. "
~Billy Graham

I grew up in upstate New York where, in my town, "going to the beach" meant one of two things. Either you were going to Yamen Beach, a tiny man-made beach next to a tiny lake that was really more of a pond, or you were going to one of the Finger Lakes, which meant cold water and shoes because it's all rocks. Not really your typical beach visit.

Then I moved to the Bay Area. I love it here. To me, the strange weather, completely unexpected when you think of California, only adds to the charm. I love watching the fog roll in across the mountains and blanket the cities in its white cloak. I love that we often wear jeans and sweatshirts to the beach. I love that we rarely do more than dip our toes in the water without a wet suit.

It is just odd and different and unexpected and unique and beautiful.

And I suppose, since I never grew up with typical beach trips, it feels comfortably familiar while at the same time being completely different.

A few weekends ago, we spent the day at a beach in Carmel with some friends, and it was actually a pleasant day. Don't let the overcast skies fool you. It's just how we roll out here. In some of the pictures, you can see the fog drifting in off the ocean and flowing down the mountains.

I so love it here.

Linking up with these wonderful blogs:

Angry Julie Monday
Naptime Momtog
Baby Baby Lemon
The Paper Mama
Parenting By Dummies
Project Alicia

Guest Post: Edible Toddler Art

2012-07-17T04:00:00.001-07:00

I'm so excited to share today's guest post from Mandi at Sweet Tiny Blessings. I've been following Mandi for quite a while, and I'm so honored to be sharing a post from her today.

Mandi is a former teacher turned stay-at-home mom to her own Sweet Tiny Blessing, Baby C. Just three short weeks after giving birth, she was sent to the hospital with retained placenta. Shortly after her D&C, she was diagnosed with an E.Coli Infection and a kidney stone. And just two days later, Baby C was admitted into the hospital with Bacterial Spinal Meningitis from Salmonella. Mandi firmly believe it was through God's healing hand that she and Baby C came through their illnesses.

I love reading Mandi's blog because in spite all that she and her daughter endured at a very vulnerable time of their lives, she counts her blessings and has such a cheerful spirit. Her blog is full of giveways, stories of faith and love, and, of course, a good dose of the adorable Baby C!

You can follow Mandi at Sweet Tiny Blessings, Twitter, or Facebook.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Do you find it very difficult to find crafts to do with your one year old? You're not alone! Because Baby C still puts everything in her mouth, I need our crafts to be safe and edible. That's why I love edible finger paint.

Edible finger paint is so easy to make and there is so much you can do with it. The only ingredients you need are yogurt and food coloring. Then just grab some paper and get crafty! You can use the finger paint like, well, finger paint. Or, another great way to use finger paint is marble painting. I love this craft because it's great for all ages.

What you need for marble painting:

finger paint
paper
marbles
container with lid

How to create a marble painting:

Fit paper into container (I taped it down).
Add a little finger paint in any colors.
Place marble in container and add lid.
Shake, rattle and roll!

Tip: don't use as much finger paint as I did. A little goes a long way.

Marble Art by Baby C

Another fun craft with finger paint (that I'm excited to try) is tape masterpiece.

What you need for tape masterpiece:

finger paint
canvas
masking tape

How to create a tape masterpiece:

Tape out initials, name or message on canvas.
Finger paint covering entire canvas.
Let dry.
Remove tape.

What are your favorite crafts to do with toddlers?

When adoption makes us liars

2012-07-16T12:52:00.001-07:00

We had our second to last homestudy a few weeks ago. Our case worker kindly went over the finalization process and explained what would happen.

"You fill out this form and this one. Make sure to make three copies. Then you file with the court. They will give you a finalization date."

Nothing terribly out of the ordinary. Typical bureaucracy. I nodded along as I took careful notes.

"Then they will amend the birth certificate and put your name and your husband's name on it before they seal the old one."

The casualness of the statement stung. My pen paused and my mouth tightened almost imperceptibly. I held my tongue, which is certainly a challenge for me. But, in my head, I raged.

In the short time since we adopted my daughter, I have learned much about the adoption process. Olivia's adoption occurred so suddenly and quickly that I did not do my usual "research until you are annoyingly knowledgeable about the subject" that is so typical of the scientist in me.

In my original naivete, I did not think they still sealed adoption records. After all, most adoptions are open now, and this isn't 1950, right? When Livie's first parents helped us name her and our last name went on her original birth certificate, I ignorantly assumed there would now be no need to alter her birth certificate to change her last name. It wasn't until a month later that I found out, through my research, that this is not the case.

When our adoption is finalized, the court will amend Livie's birth certificate. Our names will be listed as her mother and father of birth and our county as her county of birth.

One of the first acts the state forces us to make as Livie's legal parents is to lie to our daughter.

I did not give birth to Olivia. Dan is not her genetic father. She was not born in our county.

After her amended birth certificate is issued and the adoption is final, Olivia's real birth certificate, her truth and heritage, will be sealed. She would have to petition the state to unseal it, and they can deny her request.

Of course, I have her original birth certificate, tucked away and kept safely for her. We have a completely open adoption and have no intention of keeping any of this from her. In a way, this makes me even angrier that we are forced to comply with a law that requires our complicity in what I consider fraud.

Fraud. That, oh State of California, is the "intentional deception made for personal gain or to damage another individual." What if we intended to keep Olivia's adoption a secret from her? What if we declined to share her truth? Legally, her history would be wiped from the slate, unavailable to her. Legally, I could maintain this lie forced upon us. Many have. That is also not a relic from the previous generation; there are indeed adoptive parents who keep their child's adoption a secret. The laws of our states enable parents to have this option.

I should not be granted that kind of power over another human being. The power to keep her from knowing one the most basic of human needs: Where did I come from? No one should be able to keep that a secret from another person, especially not through actual laws.

According to all-knowing Wikipedia, a "birth certificate is a vital record that documents the birth of a child."

That is, unless you are adopted.

In that case, you get a special "birth" certificate. "In the United States, when an legal adoption is finalized adopted, the government seals the original birth certificate and will issue a replacement birth certificate substituting the individual's birth name with the name selected by the adoptive parents, and replacing and birth parents' names with the adoptive parents. In those cases, adopted individuals are not granted access to their own original birth certificates upon request."

A "replacement birth certificate." I suppose that sounds more PC than "false," "fake," or "phony."

In adoption, the answer to "Where did I come from?" is made into a lie.

Livie's mother carried her for nine long months. She went through hours of labor to give Olivia life. Her mother was the first person to hold her, to count her fingers and toes, to cry tears over her. Livie's father is the man who was there for her mother as her entire support system. He was the one who held her hand during those long hours at the hospital. And he held his daughter in his arms and marveled over her beauty, finding himself in her features.

They gave Olivia life.

Their names belong on Olivia's birth certificate. They deserve it. Olivia deserves it. And above all else, it is the truth.

The birth of a child is miraculous. It is raw beauty and utter power. It is nature at its finest moment. In that moment of pure truth, falsifying part of it is sacrilegious. It is wrong.

We love our daughter, and we are her mom and dad. We change her diapers, feed her, laugh with her, care for her. But her first parents are also her mom and dad. They gave birth to her and made a difficult choice, one that should be respected, not hidden or negated.

Olivia is deserving of knowing her heritage. Our other daughter, Paityn, will never have to worry about her birth certificate. It contains the truth of her birth. Her sister's, simply because Olivia is adopted, will not. It will be a paper that is lies and falsification. It angers me that this disparity in equality will exist between my children.

On that day when the judge pronounces us as Olivia's legal parents, there will be a shadow over my happiness. What should be a completely joyful day will contain a drop of bitterness because of a lie we do not want created.

When our family is formally and legally bound together, the state is also taking away something incalculably precious from my daughter: a portion of her identity. A part of her that her dad and I are proud of, that we celebrate, and that we embrace. The state seeks to nullify it. To erase it. To seal it from all eyes. Our signatures will be demanded; our complicity is the only path towards legally caring for our daughter.

And adoption forces us to be liars.

Partially inspired by The Declassified Adoptee's account of her own falsified birth certificate.

I am working to determine how I can best help enact change in the area of Adoptee Rights. As an adoptive parent, I feel that it is part of my job to help work towards my daughter's equal right to her original birth certificate. The two places I am starting are the Adoptee Rights Coalition and California Open.