No one likes recording a voicemail greeting.

You desperately want to get it right the first time, because you ARE NOT the kind of person who re-records their greeting 9 times until it sounds just right.

I refuse to be that shallow!

But at the same time, you really do want to get it right. So this happens…

Attempt #1 – Hey this is Bryan, leave me a message after the beep and I’ll get back to you. And then you listen to it and realize you were talking just a little too fast. And what’s with the “after the beep” thing? Isn’t that understood at this point?

Attempt #2 – Hey this is Bryan…leave me a message…and I’ll get back to you when I can. Okay, that was a little TOO slow. Sounded like a pre-recorded ransom note. A little too Mel Gibson-ish.

Attempt #3 – Hey this is Bryan, leave me a message and I’ll get back to you when I get around to it. When I get around to it??? Who am I, Simon Cowell? And who gave me permission to start going off-script?

Attempt #4 – Hey this is Bryan, leave me a message and I’ll try to get back to you as soon as I can. Have a great day! Wow, I overcompensated with the niceness WAY too much. Have a great day? What am I, a Wal-Mart greeter? And did I really need to squeeze a “try” in there? Is it that hard to get back in touch with someone that there’s a chance I could try and fail?

Attempt #5 – Hey this is Bryan, I can’t come to the phone right now, but you can leave me a message and why did I say that I couldn’t come to the phone right now, does anyone really care why i didn’t pick up… Let’s try that again.

Attempt #6 – Hey this is Bryan, leave me a message and I’ll get back to you when I freaking want to. How does THAT make you feel, sucker? What are you gonna do now, go cry to your mommy? Okay, that was as funny as I thought it would be. Sadly, I can’t use it because I don’t have the balls to leave it on there.

Attempt #7 – Hey this is Bryan, leave me a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can. The script was perfect, but my gosh, how is it possible for someone to sound so pathetic in less than 20 words? If I was a caller, I would just hang up on me and permanently delete my contact info and all memories of me from my entire life. I really should have used the first recording.

Attempt #8 – Hey this is Bryan, hope you’re having a great day. Leave me a message, and I’ll get back to you soon. Thanks, bye. Hope you’re having a great day? Saying “thanks” and “bye”? What am I, your overbearing mother? Maybe I should have thrown an “I love you so much, pumpkin!” in there too. Geesh.

Attempt #9 – Hey, this is Bryan, leave me a message after the beep. Screw it, I’m using it.

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So let us know in the comments…Are you a once and done voicemail greeting recorder? Or do you go a few rounds to get it just right?

Oh, and have you ever left a message on someone’s voicemail and then listened to it, hated it, and re-recorded it? Yeah, me either.

Coming Monday…the 10 worst voicemail greetings to have on your phone.

It’s been what, 10 years now that we’ve all been carrying cell phones?

Well, here’s what I think I’ve learned in the last 10 years.

10 Things I’ve learned about cellphones

#1 – Antennas should not protrude several inches higher than the phone. And it DEFINITELY shouldn’t be one of those flimsy ones you have to pull up to get better reception. And it MOST DEFINITELY shouldn’t be built into the frame of the phone so that it experiences signal loss from holding it like a normal human. (That being said, I LOVE my iPhone 4)

#2 – The bluetooth earpiece is definitely not cool. A good accessory for the car? Absolutely. A lifesaver for someone who spends all day on the phone? Sure. But cool? Nope. The exact opposite, actually.

#3 – The only thing less cool than the bluetooth earpiece is the belt holster. Listen dude, phones are small enough now to fit comfortably into any pair of jeans you can find in the men’s section. I’d rather you wear your phone in a bedazzled fanny pack than in a belt holster.

#4 – Using anything other than a ring tone for your ring tone is a mistake. No matter how funny/cool/appropriate your song ring tone is, your phone is going to ring around people who just won’t get it. Then you’re stuck saying things like, “Yeah…I’ve always been a Stones fan” or “Why does my ring tone sound like Jock Jams? It’s a long story”. Custom ring tones are like custom license plates. Seems like a cool idea at first, but never lives up to its potential. Trust me, just go with Marimba.

#5 – Signs at the Doctor’s Office are to be ignored. Any sign that says “Please refrain from using cellular devices in this office” might as well say “Throw your cellphone on the ground and take a dump on it”. No chance I’m honoring your unreasonable signage.

#6 – Don’t hate someone for using their phone to its full potential. If we’re at dinner and there’s an intense argument happening over how old Snoop Dogg is, I am ABSOLUTELY going to take 45 seconds to google the answer on my phone. Don’t you dare roll your eyes at me. Moments like those are the exact reason I pay for the data plan. (and for the record, Snoop is 38.)

#7 – When a phone falls out of your pocket in the car, it immediately shrinks and lubricates itself to be able to fall through the tiniest of cracks so it can settle somewhere where it cannot be reached without pulling over and moving the front seat. You’re nodding your head right now, aren’t you?

#8 – The “I never got your text” defense immediately destroys your credibility. You ALWAYS get my texts. Phone companies kinda have the ‘delivering the text to the right phone’ thing down at this point. I’d rather you just tell me the truth: “From the moment i saw that you texted me, I knew with 100% certainty I would never reply.”

#9 – The least important thing my phone does is make calls. It’s much more important as a gaming device, a camera, a video camera, a GPS device, an iPod, a gaming device, a google machine, an email checker, and a Twitter updater. The phone calls are just icing on the cake.

#10 – The cellphone is one of the best diversion devices ever invented. There’s nothing better than avoiding an awkward conversation or greeting by putting your phone up to your ear and having a fake conversation. Gotta be honest here, I’m AWESOME at having fake conversations. I think I’m better at pretend conversations than real ones, though I’m not sure if that’s something I should be proud of.

What about You?

Anything you’ve learned about cellphones over the past 10 years you’d like to share?

Want to choose the product for my next Ad Brilliance video?

Then read on for more info on how to win that priceless gift. (worth approximately 4200 rupees in the original Zelda game)

In the meantime…I’m very excited to announce a new venture here on the blog.

Introducing the Advertising Brilliance Exchange.

Here’s the basic premise.

• YOU have a product/event that you want people to know about.
• I have readers who might want a piece of your product/event.
• YOU would like advertising for your thing, but don’t want another mortgage.
• I would like my readers to get a discount and some freebies because they are awesome.
• YOU hire me to create an ad(s) for your thing.
• I agree to do it in exchange for free and discounted things for my readers.

For instance,

You’re an author with a new book you just wrote? Send me some free copies to give out to my readers and I’ll put together a mind-blowing ad that you can email to your entire address book, throw on your Facebook page, and post on your blog.

You’re in charge of promoting a conference? Give my readers a nice discount or give away a free admission and I’ll put together a video that will make the Old Spice guy put some clothes on in shame.

You’re an artist with a new CD out? Read the thing up there for authors, I’m too busy making amazing videos to replicate that junk.

What is Advertising Brilliance?

It’s a series of videos I’ve put together blowing minds while selling amazing products. (The previous statement was NOT endorsed by the FDA or Ron Popeil).

Here’s a list of all the products I’ve “sold” so far: Clorox Wipes, Capri Sun, Good Neighbor Pharmacy Stool Softener, NeilMed Sinus Rinse, Harmony Remotes, Nike sneakers, Sure deodorant, Jif peanut butter, black eyed peas, my own website, and Ivory Soap.

Want more Info?

Shoot me an email at bryanallain(at)gmail.com and we’ll make some magic happen.

Just remember, the more you can offer my readers, the better chance you have of striking a deal with me. We will barter like the olden days of yore to ensure it’s a win-win for all of us.

Want to inspire the next Ad Brilliance spot?

2 lucky folks will get to choose the next item up for bids on Ad Brilliance. To win that honor, leave a comment to this post and tell us one of your favorite (or least favorite) commercials from TV the past decade. That’s it.

I’ll randomly select 2 winners from the comments next week, and I’ll get in touch with the winners to find out what product they want me to hock.

Your ad brilliance commercial can be about anything from your own blog to a blade of grass to a holocaust cloak to your favorite indie artist. Heck, it can be about you for all I care. (I reserve the right to say “no” to your choice, but it would have to be pretty ridiculous for me to veto it).

What do you do next?

If you’re a reader who would like to inspire my next random Ad Brilliance video, leave a comment.

And if you’re a creator looking for an out of the box way to spread the love, hit me up via electronic mail at bryanallain(at)gmail.com and we can craft some ad voodoo.

Looking forward to working with some of you on this!

The first time I saw Carlos Whittaker do this on his blog, I knew I wanted to do my own.

I didn’t adhere to the 90-second time limit that the official Flickr group does, because, well, I just didn’t feel like it. Plus it was a really busy day.

I got up at 6:00am, posted a blog post, went to work, went to worship team practice, went to a softball game, chilled with Erica, and then went to bed around 11:45pm. But for you, I shrunk those 18 hours into 2.5 minutes.

Here’s a day in my life, condensed into 141 seconds.

(if you can’t see the video in your feed reader, click here)

I’d love to see some of you guys try to do one of these.

Next time you have a busy day on the schedule, whip out your phone and show us a day in your life.

My kids are growing so fast. Kylie turns 9 on Friday and Parker is already 7 and a half. It’s nuts.

There’s so many ways I could be a better dad, and hopefully I’m getting better as it as I go.

I thought I’d share a couple of things I’ve tried to do do well at as a parent, in hopes that it might inspire one of you to mix things up a little and get better too. Maybe you can do the same for me in the comments too.

7 Little Ways I Try to Be a Better Dad

1. I Take Time To Explain Things – One of the things I always try to do with my kids is keep them in the loop. I try to let them know the reasoning behind the decisions I make, so it feels less like I’m an authoritative dictator and more like a reasonable dude.

Of course, everyone once in a while you need to pull a “because I said so”. It’s in the by-laws or something.

2. I Use My Imagination – The next time your kids are being goofy, jump right in. If they’re coming up with ridiculous ice cream flavors, tell them you want to eat a poop and broccoli sundae.

You won’t always want to, but try to be more imaginative than your kids and they’ll love you for it.

3. I Dance Like an Idiot – We had a dance party at our house a few weeks ago and I made sure I was out there cutting it up in front of my kids. I don’t want them to be afraid of what others think, so as much as I can, I show them that it’s okay to be yourself and look ridiculous sometimes.

4. I Make Out with my Wife – I know they’re watching, so I make sure they get that constant reminder of what romantic love looks like between a married couple. (Don’t worry, just pecks in front of the kids).

But more than the kissing, it’s talking to each other with respect, going out of our way to be kind, and making each other laugh. I want them to want that in a marriage someday.

5. I’m Unpredictable – A few years ago I showed up at my mother in law’s pool after playing golf. The kids were already swimming and I was hot and sweaty, so I took my phone and wallet out of my shorts and jumped into the pool fully clothed. Parker still talks about it to this day.

I want to be a consistent parent, but I don’t want to be boring and predictable. The next time you have a little margin to be creative, ask yourself “What cool thing can I do right now that would be the LAST thing my kids would expect?” And then do it.

6. I Say I’m Sorry – Even if I had a right as a parent to be upset, I still apologize to my kids when I get angry or do something I know I shouldn’t have. Offering apologies and forgiveness is an important life skill, so I want them to get used to it from both ends by seeing me do it.

7. I Act Weird – I act weird because I am weird. My kids know that the me they see out of the house is the same one they see in the house. Again, it’s the whole “be yourself” thing.

Kylie told me yesterday, “Dad, you’re a weird dad. And I like it.”

I’m still smiling thinking about that one.

—

So my fellow parents out there, your kids might be older or younger than mine, but any small bits of wisdom you’ve been learning lately to pass on?

How about those of you with no kids yet, is there some little value or cool thing you always want to try to do with your kids someday?

let us know…

Yesterday I answered 10 Quick Questions for Adam over at The Daily Walk.

In the interview I answered some of these question. You’ll have to click over there to see which ones.

• What is your favorite book?
• What is your favorite torture method?
• What is your favorite movie?
• How often do you clog the toilet going #2?
• What is your favorite musical genre? Artist/group?
• Why do you hate children?
• PC or Mac? Why?
• What is your favorite word?
• If you could do one job other than your current one for a day what would it be?
• Can you tell me the best gossip going around your church or workplace right now?
  
• Who has been the most inspirational person in your life?

Thanks Adam, it was fun.

93% of you come to this site to laugh, and for that I am so humbled and thankful. Making people laugh has always been one of my favorite things in the world.

I understand, however, why I don’t get booked for many speaking gigs. If I’m “the funny guy”, then why else would you bring me in other than to tell jokes? Since, I’m not a comedian, there seems to be a disconnect. So…how do i fix this?

Well, the short answer is that I am working on it. (And the long answer is too long to type.)

But here’s a few things I want you, my amazing readers, to know:

5 Things You Should Know About Me

1. Over the past 18 months I’ve spoken to groups as big as 800 and as small as 2. Well, the group of 2 was a lecture to my kids, but I really connected with them, you should have seen it.

2. I can speak on any day of the week! I spoke to a college chapel on a Monday and Tuesday, I spoke to my church on a Wednesday, and I’ve spoken to a few groups of high school students on Friday, Saturday, AND Sunday. Yes, I realize Thursday is a glaring omission. It’s because I fast the English language on Thursday and instead communicate with grunts and body movements.

3. I’m not a comedian, but I will still make you laugh. I know there’s a disconnect here because I mostly tell jokes on my blog, so you might want me to come to your church and do that. Truth is, I don’t have a 20 minute set of bits that I work on. But every talk I prepare is always loaded with humorous personal stories and decent one-liners. I try to be just as funny in person. And if, I’m not, you can laugh at me for trying.

4. I’m a good public speaker. “Wow, how prideful!” you say. No…prideful would be calling myself “an amazing orator”. I’m still getting better every time and have a ways to go, but when I get up there I do know what I’m doing. You don’t have to worry about bringing me in and watching me stumble my way through my notes while you sit there like GOB Bluth and think, “I’ve made a huge mistake”.

5. I connect really well with younger people. Even though I’ll be 34 here soon (crazy), for some reason I am still able to connect really well with high schoolers and young adults. I’m pretty sure it’s because in my head I’m still in my early 20s. Or maybe it’s my juvenile sense of humor and ability to drop my maturity level to that of a 14-year old at will. Either way, if you’re having trouble finding someone to connect with 16-30 year olds, I’d love to take a stab at it. And I’d love to stab them if they don’t think I’m funny.

—

You can read more about all this on my speaking page. I’m in the process now of getting quotes from the people who have brought me in to speak because they’ve all seemed to think it was a success, so now I’m gonna make them put that crap on paper and make them sign it.

If you’re wondering what I would speak on, I have messages prepared based around a few of my more popular faith-related blog posts (as well as a bunch of others I’ve prepared at someone’s request – something I could do for you too):

• Grace for the Fifth Mile – Why showing grace to others is more important than you think.
• What You Can’t Do For Yourself – Why God wants us to be in community with good people.
• Crazy Like Mel Gibson – How to stay compassionate and sane in a crazy world.

Bottom Line is, if you’re looking to bring in someone who’s not your typical speaker, someone who’s an Engineer by day and humor blogger by passion, someone with a big nose who can connect with an audience and make them laugh while sharing truth, and someone who can write a run-on sentence, I might be your guy.

Hit me up at bryanallain(at)gmail.com and we can talk.

Thanks for letting me riff on this, more funny next week.

There’s this guy at my favorite lunch pizza place who insists on giving me a familiar greeting every time i go into the store.

“Hey! Great to see you again sir,” he says, proud of himself for recognizing me.

I HATE IT.

This clown might as well be saying, “Hey it’s you again, fatty! Despite your common features – save for your big nose -  I totally know who you are because you and your out of control cholesterol levels are in here more than I am. How many grams of fat and carbs do you want today?”

Got me thinking…What are the worst things to hear when you walk into a pizza place?

Here’s the best I could come up with.

The 10 Worst Pizza Joint Greetings

1. “Bryan!” – Means you’ve run my credit card so much you know my name. The next step is giving me my own speed dial button on the cash register.

2. “Norm!” – Similar to #1, but it means they don’t know your name because you pay cash only. Instead, they’ve nicknamed you after a lazy bar sloth from a 25-year old sitcom.

3. “Fire up the second oven!” – Means you probably should cut the number of slices you eat in half. And then divide that number by four.

4. “Can I help you die, you self-absorbed prick?” – Means you should have picked one of the 30 other pizza places in town, and not the one your ex-girlfriend works at.

5. “Um sir, we’ve got plenty of our own sausage here already” – Means you should have worn more than boxer briefs out of the house.

6. “Sorry, we just closed 2 minutes ago” – Means they just closed 2 minutes ago.

7. “We don’t serve your type here” – Means you are wearing either A) a bluetooth earpiece, B) a tucked in shirt with no belt, or C) a Co-Ed Naked Volleyball shirt, circa 1993.

8. “I don’t care if he’s got a shirt and sunglasses on, he can’t come in” – Means you’ve once again tried and failed to eat pizza indoors with your dog.

9. “Freeze!” – Means you just walked into a reverse holdup.

10. “Lock the bathroom!” – Means you don’t get the pizza To Go, the pizza gets YOU to go.

—

If you’ve got any other terrible greetings, let us hear them.

Also, this whole thing also got me wondering (and forgive me if I’ve asked this before), what is your favorite piece of pizza?

I want the toppings and the name of the place you get it at.

I’ll go first.

I hope to post more faith-related stuff (like Monday’s Mel Gibson post) going forward, and it got me wondering where you all are coming from.

So today’s “More About You” is about the if and where for you and church.

If you’re someone who DOES NOT regularly attend a church, here’s what I”d like to know…

1. How long has it been since you were a regular attender (if at all)?

2. What church was it that you used to attend (if at all)?

If you’re someone who DOES regularly attend a church, let us know…

1. What church you go to (you can throw a denomination in there if it’s not obvious).

2. Ballpark estimate on how small/big it is. (75 people? 300? 800? 5000?)

I know I don’t have to remind y’all to keep things civil and respectful, so yeah…

let us know if and where you go…and thanks for sharing.

I’ll go first second.

Albert Einstein.

Genius? Sure.

Eccentric? Probably.

Starring in my latest Truth About video? Absolutely.

On the moon when we landed there 41 years ago today? Why not?

The Truth About Einstein – an original film by me

if you’re reading this in a feed reader, click here to watch the video and see Einstein getting picked on while standing on the moon.

To see all of the videos in the Truth About series, click here.