So it’s in that spirit that I ask you to answer the following question:

Which of these pictures do you think is more embarrassing?

Picture A, in which a pre-pubescent Bryan tries to look cool in a Rude Dog tank top?

or

Picture B, in which an adult Bryan tries to look intimidating in a mullet wig?

Clearly there is no right or wrong answer, but cast your vote in the comments anyway!

There’s all sorts of types of funny, but Tyler is the type of funny that when you read his blog you laugh because you were thinking the same thing and he said it better than you could have. Or you weren’t thinking the same thing and he completely owned you with a joke. For a perfect example of that, here’s Tyler’s thoughts on The Greeting Interceptor.

The Greeting Interceptor

We’ve all had this happen one time or another. Someone looks in your direction and offers up an enthusiastic greeting. You confidently fire back a pleasantry, only to hear the person behind you – the person who the initial greeting was intended for – hesitantly respond. What do you do now (after breaking into a full-body sweat, of course)? There really are only five options:

1. Turn Away
Although this is our default reaction, I strongly suggest using it in moderation. If you’re anything like me, turning away and pretending it never happened will result in days (if not weeks) of self-loathing and regret. You’re essentially admitting defeat. Like George Costanza and the “Jerk Store” debacle, you’ll be driving down the road a month-and-a-half later wishing you would have implemented one of the following four options…

2. Continue the Conversation
This is a bit riskier, but following up your initial greeting with details about how your kids are and how busy your summer has been will undoubtedly result in the other person pulling the Turn Away themselves and seeking out another aisle to catch up with her original target.

3. Faux Bluetooth
This is my go-to. The moment you realize you’ve intercepted the greeting, put your right hand to your right ear, look at whatever product is directly in front of you, and ask the phantom person on the phone if that was what they needed. Give the greeter a side glance and a smile as you tell the person on the phone that you just wanted to double-check and you’ll be home in a minute. It has yet to fail me.

4. Turn the Tables
This is advanced. It requires greater instincts and reflexes than hitting a Randy Johnson fastball. The goal here is to talk past the greeter and make her think she is actually the one intercepting the greeting. There are so many factors involved here (volume, pitch, eye line, props, subject matter, facial expressions, etc) that it is probably best to leave this to the seasoned veterans (i.e. Bryan Allain).

5. Shatter Something
If there is nowhere to turn, you’re out of words, and both of your Bluetooth-less ears have been exposed, the only reasonable way out is to grab the nearest bottle and shatter it. Chances are, when the two or three shards of glass dig into her shin upon impact, she’ll forget all about that embarrassing thing that you just did. Face saved.

(Oh and for the record, should you find yourself intercepting someone’s wave with a wave of your own, there is no hope.)

What about you? Any tips to add to the list?

PS…You absolutely should be reading more of Tyler’s stuff every day at his blog and on his Twitter. Thanks for Guest-Posting, Tyler!

Last week I guest-posted at Katdish’s blog about losing my man card.

Here’s the post in it’s entirety, with some new material thrown in just for kicks.

Here’s 7 10 (of the many) reasons why, if Man Cards were real, I might not be carrying one…

1. I Have No HandyMan Skills

I’ve got a father-in-law who built houses for a living, a brother-in-law who helped built his own house, and a dad who can do just about anything around the house that needs to be done. How did I end up like this? I don’t know. But thankfully my father-in-law is only 10 minutes away in case a picture needs to be hung or a door needs to be fixed. (I wish i was kidding)

You know how much help I was to my father-in-law when he was building my deck? Negative help, that’s how much. He literally had to undo a bunch of the stuff I did on the first day. After that, I just watched and fetched him drinks. Completely embarrassing.

2. I Hate Hide & Seek (aka, Manhunt)

Want to know why I hate Hide and Seek? Because I hate hiding and I hate seeking. Pretty simple.

Think about it, when does hiding and seeking happen in real life? When cops are chasing bad guys. When bad guys are chasing other bad guys. When a child is about to be disciplined and disappears. You get the idea. The whole concept of hiding is that you don’t want to be found, but eventually you will be found when you play this game. Sounds terrible to me.

And for the record, we played manhunt on the streets of my neighborhood almost every night in the summer growing up. I hated it.

3. I Know Nothing About Cars

I’ve got no opinion on Ford vs. Chevy. I don’t know or care how many cylinders are in my Odyssey. I don’t know what the brown fluid on my garage floor under my car is.

Want more?

I don’t have a dream car. I think loud engines are annoying. I once spent hours in the library reading about what carburetors and overhead cams were just to impress a girl I liked. Didn’t work.

4. I Prefer Light Beer

Do i enjoy beer? Yes.

Do I like to drink obscure beers and comment on how “hoppy” they are? No.

Do I like to drink heavy beers and then say, “Now THAT’S a beer!”? No.

I like light beers. Miller Lite. Coors Light. Corona w/ a lime.

What can I say? They taste better to me. And they don’t make me feel like I just ate a 26-ounce filet.

5. I Hate Paint Ball

You know how I hate Hide and Seek? Well here’s a math equation to define what paint ball is. Paint Ball = (Hide & Seek) + (Pain). Ooh! Where do I sign up!

I played paint ball once. It was my worst nightmare. My goggles were fogging up so I couldn’t see anything. I was hiding. There were lots of people seeking me. Those same people were trying to inflict pain on me. I just tried to get shot in a relatively painless area and get off the playing field. Instead I was shot in the neck from 10 feet out.

Never again.

6. I Have a System for my Fingernails

It doesn’t involve painting or buffing, but yeah, I refuse to just bite my fingernails like a nervous neanderthal.

First I cut them with fingernail clippers.

Then I file them. You have to file them, otherwise they’re all sharp and they catch on your bed sheets and in your pants pockets.

After they get filed, I’ll smooth them out with the space between my bottom two front teeth. Takes off the last few rough edges and you’re good to go.

The result is trimmed, smooth fingernails. Takes 5 minutes a week. Sue me.

7. I Like To Talk Things Out

If my lovely wife Erica and I ever have a disagreement (yes it happens! shocker!), I’m usually the one who makes the stronger push for communication. Don’t misunderstand here, she is a great communicator. I’m just over the top nuts about it. I love talking about how I feel. Maybe it’s because I’m a writer and I like putting words to good use? I don’t know.

Please pray for her, that I’d learn to just shut up and watch TV once in a while.

8. I Have Girl Parts

Just Kidding. Wanted to make sure you weren’t skimming.

9. I Watch The Bachelorette

I don’t care what you say, it’s good TV. (The cruelest show on television? Absolutely - I even wrote an entire blog piece on it last summer. But entertaining as all get out.)

10. I’ve Never Been in a Fight

Unlike my buddy Nate, who once beat up 3 guys at one time in front of a club in Providence, RI, I’ve never taken a punch to the face. Never thrown one, either. Closest I’ve come is skirmishes with my younger brother Josh growing up, but those don’t really count. Although, when Josh and I did fight, he’d usually try to punch and I’d try to rake the eyes. Not very manly.

What about y’all?

Guys, any reasons your Man Card might be in jeopardy?

Or how about the ladies? Anything you do that threatens the security of your Woman Card?

My friend Tyler and I are racing to see who can get to 1000 Twitter followers first.

As of yesterday he was beating me 490-425. This is unacceptable people! This is a dude who refers to his receding hairline spots as his “power alleys”.

(Tripp is racing with us too, but dude already has 800+ followers on Twitter, so he can go take a dump as fas as I’m concerned. Oh and then there’s Jon and his 4000+ followers: dead to me.)

In case you haven’t caught on yet, Twitter’s not just about “what I had for lunch”. It’s also a great vehicle for sharing funny thoughts about the absurdities of everyday life in 140-character bursts.

In order to show you that Twitter can be used for good, Jon, Tyler, Tripp and I are posting 10 of our favorite Tweets from the past few weeks on our blogs today.

You can check their Twitter Highlights out here: Tyler - Tripp - Jon

Here’s mine:

+ gonna start referring to constipation as “stationary bowels” & I’m gonna eat a lot of cheese so I can overuse the new term.

+ If I had to make a list of things I wouldn’t want to eat, mulch would definitely crack the top 500.

+ Buying lunch from the cafeteria at work: $6.41. Stealing it: Priceless.

+ Every time you eat a sandwich at the beach you’re swallowing a few of Abraham’s descendants. Gross, crunchy descendants.

+ Life Rule #406: Never, under any circumstances, watch Bicentennial Man starring Robin Williams.

+ Want 250 brand new twitter followers every day??? Take Lunesta & dream about it, because it’s the only way it’s happening.

+ if everyone donated their lint trap excrement, we could make blankets for the cold homeless of the world. laundromats unite!

+ Kylie, my 7.5 year old, used air quotes yesterday. correctly. hilarious and frightening at the same time.

+ someone just texted me about a dodgeball tournament. honestly, i’d rather eat a dodgeball than play dodgeball. no thanks.

+ at the end of a bowl of cheerios i always congratulate the last cheerio. u made it to the end buddy! then i eat him slowly.

C’mon…you know you want to…

Follow me on Twitter if you dare. And definitely follow Jon, Tripp, and Tyler.

She almost broke my legs.

Yup…the end of June always makes me think about how my wife and I met.

Some of you have heard the story, but many of you haven’t.

2 years ago I wrote a blog post celebrating the 10 Year anniversary of one of the best moments in my life.

If you’ve never heard the story or how Erica and I met, you can go here to read it now.

(I mean, hey, if Donald Miller left a comment on the story it’s got to be worth a read, right? anyone? Bueller?)

This was the woman who won the Shoofly Pie contest.

Notice the bald spot in her part?

Erica tells me it’s because amish women pull their hair down so tightly every day.

Kinda sad…let’s move on…

The 2009 Volleyball Tournament included over 40 teams.

How do you know when things are getting serious?

1. When shirts start getting untucked.

& 2. When amish kids are wearing wristbands.

This dude remembers when his body was young enough to play volleyball.

But years of working the land and avoiding technology takes quite a toll on a man.

(and for those of you who wonder why the amish wear suspenders instead of belts…

…it’s so you can stick your hands in your pants whenever you like.)

Am I contractually obligated to go with “pretty maids all in a row” for this photo?

Yes, I think I am.

This is my neice, Avery, enjoying some homemade Lapp Valley ice cream.

0% Amish.

100% cute.

Dish soap, bucket, water, hay, and gravity.

This is probably stretching the definition of “station” a bit too far, no?

Here’s a couple pushing around a tiny dog in a pink stroller.

I will now kill myself.

She knew there would be consequences for her actions.

Kissing that non-Amish boy last month was a mistake.

But being forced to wear the Scarlet Dress of Shame during Heritage Days weekend?

Let them judge her…his kiss was electric and totally worth it.

Finally, I asked someone to snap this photo of me before I said goodbye to the 2009 edition of  Intercourse Heritage Days.

Santa Claus in the middle of June?

Yup.

Welcome to Intercouse.

Last weekend was the annual Intercourse Heritage Days Festival held conveniently at Intercourse Park, which is a 5-minute walk from our house. I picture-blogged about the event last year, so I thought I’d do it again this year. Here we go…

For the second year in a row Anne Beiler was a judge of the shoofly pie contest. Anne is the founder of Auntie Anne’s pretzels, and a bit of a local celebrity. Despite the fact that she’s been on Oprah, spoke at the RNC last year, and is a published author, she’s very down to earth and super sweet. My wife Erica actually works at the Family Center that Anne and her husband opened last year, so after I took this picture we were talking about how amazing my wife is.

“She just lights up the room when she’s there. She’s a joy to have at the Family Center,” Anne said.

“I know,” I replied, “I get to live with her!”

The brand new Erica Fan Club: 2 members and growing!

This 5-piece band rocked the house park with their unique brand of Screamo-Bluegrass.

The highlight of their set was definitely their cover of “November Rain” by Guns-n-Roses.

When yellow-shirt hit that Slash solo, I cried like a toddler at the dentist.

If only I had a picture of the crowd, because they were out of control.

Oh wait, I do…

Like I said: Out of control.

His is amish cigarettes.

Mine is electricity.

Hey, we all have our vices.

Does this picture of Parker look familiar to you?

If so, it’s because it is almost identical to last year’s picture:

Side Note: Looks like the Tractor Man discovered Just For Men.

Good for him!

I went over to find the clown and I found this sign.

a few thoughts…

1. why is Strolling capitalized? Is that his name?

2. Why is “The Clown” in quotations and in such a small font? Does his clowndom qualify as fine print? Is he not really a clown?

3. The bad news: this sign is kinda creepy. The good news:  if he ever switches occupations from clown to stalker, he can keep using the same sign.

Ah, there’s Sneakers our “clown” providing his own interpretation of an Amish Hat.

The little boy next in line doesn’t seem so sure.

I’ve got to say, I don’t think this will catch on with the amish adults AT ALL.

Okay, I stand corrected. He’s already got his first 21+ customer.

Finally, here’s a who’s who in this picture:

1. In the stripes on the left it’s State Representative Bryan Cutler, looking like he’s 17.

2. In the green sweater it’s a woman with a notebook. She’s reporting on the event. I’m reporting on her.

3. In the gold and blue high tops, it’s the next point guard for UCLA basketball.

4. In the amish dress, it’s a woman about to pick her nose.

5. Carrying the Vitamin Water, it’s Neo from the Matrix. He’s about to break out of his goo pod.

—

Well, that’s all for today.

But come back tomorrow for part 2 of the 2009 Intercourse Heritage Days PictureBlog.

]]> http://bryanallain.com/blog/archives/2009/06/25/intercourse-heritage-days-2009-part-1/feed/ http://bryanallain.com/blog/archives/2009/06/24/man-card-guest-post/ http://bryanallain.com/blog/archives/2009/06/24/man-card-guest-post/#comments Wed, 24 Jun 2009 11:02:19 +0000 Bryan Allain http://bryanallain.com/blog/?p=2282 I’ve got a Guest Post up today at Katdish’s blog called “Revoke My Man Card”. Most of you know I’m not the most manly of men, but if you’d like a few more reasons to why my Man Card should probably be shredded, go over to her blog and check it out. (And while you’re there, subscribe to her blog and give it a test drive.)

For those of you who are here for the first time from Kathy’s blog, thanks for coming! If you’d like to see what this place is all about I suggest reading these 3 posts (or any of the favorites on the sidebar). If you like what you read, subscribe and stick around. If not, thanks for stopping by!

1. The Best of the Ramblings
2. Music in the Car
3. Not Quite Jason Bourne

Oh, and all of you make sure you come back later today for part 1 of Intercourse Heritage Days 2009.

Thanks to the generosity of the black-eyed D, I’ve had Stockholm Syndrome for almost a week now. (The album, not the actual syndrome.)

Here’s 7 things I can tell you after 5 listens.

1. You’ve never heard Derek like this before.
2. There are moments on this record that are closer on the musical scale to the Backstreet Boys than Caedmon’s Call…and I mean that in a good way.
3. They absolutely crushed it on the cover art (as you can see above)
4. I already knew Josh Moore was the man, but his work on this project should leave even the doubters convinced. I hope this is the first of many collaborations they work on. Bravo, Mr. Moore. Bravo.
5. The song that has caused the stir, “What Matters More”, is absolutely worth the hype. I heard an acoustic version of it last month, and liked it. But hearing the finished product takes it to a whole new level. If this song doesn’t make it onto the INO release - and I fully understand why it probably won’t - it would be a bummer. (though I’m sure you’ll be able to get your hands on it one way or another)
6. When it’s all said and done, I think there’s at least 3 songs on this record that will end up in my “All-Time Top 10 DW Songs” list. Maybe 4.
7. It’s a strange thing to listen to a DW album and find yourself focusing on the music over the message. It’s not that the music hasn’t been good, it’s just that most of his past work has been so strong from a lyrical standpoint. But some of these songs are so fantastic sonically, I find myself thinking of the lyrics as an afterthought. For this reason it truly feels like new ground.

I’ve heard some rumblings about when this thing is going to be officially released, but I’m not sure if I’m supposed to talk about that stuff so I’ll hold off for now. Stay tuned for updates, and keep this project on your radar, I think you’re going to love it.

I’m not allowed to share the music, but if I could share it with only one of you, what would you do to be the one? Offer me power and fame? Treat me to a sleeve of Pro-V1 golf balls or a gift card to Dunkin Donuts? Promise me not to beat me up the next time you see me?

And hey, while we’re here…any new music y’all have been listening to lately that you want to give a shout out about? Share the love with us…

This year Pastor John Freeman brought over 200 high school students with him to Allentown, PA, where they will do painting, evangelism, and a host of other things for the next week. You might be wondering how you get luggage for 200 high schoolers from North Carolina to Pennsylvania? The answer: a tractor trailer. Seriously.

Here’s a shot of the tent where all the luggage was being kept so the kids could pick their stuff up when they arrived:

Once all the luggage was cleared out, the kids got assembled for the kickoff meeting:

I shared some of my favorite amish pictures with the kids, which went over better than expected, and then spoke on serving with humility for about 15 minutes. The biggest laugh I got all night was when I suggested that the only way to sneak into the devil’s locker room to find out what he was up to was by wearing a Duke basketball shirt. I closed by asking them to commit to serving with humility all week, and I got a great response.

Thanks so much to my friend Alisa Smith for making this happen. Alisa and I have know each other as “internet friends” for more than 7 years now thanks to caedmonscall.net, so it was great to be able meet her in person. And congrats to her and her new fiancee Jason Windsor, who, I might add, met each other thanks to that same website that I created back in 2001. I think this is the third marriage that has come out of relationships from the dotnet, so feel free to start calling me cupid. (Here’s Erica, Alisa, and yours untruly)

If you’re looking for a speaker for your youth event, men’s group, or church shindig, I’d love to talk to you about it to see if I’d be a fit. For more information you can check out my speaking page or just shoot me an email at bryanallain@gmail.com.

PS…was great to meet my internet friend Tim for the first time too. Always a pleasure to shake hands with a fellow Burnsider.