I recently realized I was born to be in advertising. It’s only a matter of time before every major ad firm is begging me to join their staff and every major company is on my doorstep asking me to hock their wares.

Please don’t be alarmed by the sheer genius and awe-inducing power of what you’re about to see. And please don’t try to donate money to me for sharing these…I’ll be dropping these on you pro bono every week until I get hired to do this full time. It shouldn’t take long…

(to help you cope with the daylight savings time adjustment, here’s 2 new editions)

and if you can’t see these in your reader, click here.

If you’re an ad agency and you want some of this, it’s bryanallain-at-gmail.com.

If you’re a company with a product to sell, ditto.

I’m changing the game…we are all witnesses.

ps…I skipped over edition #003 because that one deserves it’s own post next week.

I’m going to be doing a handful of guest posts next month on some of my favorite blogs. Guest posting is a blast because you get to write for a different audience than you normally do, so it’s a chance to show a new group of people that there’s clearly something not right in your head.

As I was thinking about which blogs I’d like to guest post on, I had an idea. Why don’t I start a new blog with videos of my best arm farts? I slept on the idea, and realized the next day that it sucked.

Then I had another idea. Why don’t I guest post on YOUR blog? I slept on this idea, and it stuck.

So here’s the deal. Leave a comment to this post with 3 pieces of information.

1. Your blog address

2. A one sentence synopsis of what your blog is about

3. List 3 random words that you would like me to use in my guest post on your blog.

Entries will be open through the weekend, closing on Sunday night at 11:59pm EDT.

Next week I will pick either 3 or 4 winners (still figuring that out). What you win is a guest post by me on your blog. (Some would call this a prize, others a punishment.)

My guest post…

1. …will be between 500-1000 words

2. …will be about whatever you ask me to write about.

3. …will include the 3 random words from your entry.

4. …will be linked to from my blog, meaning you will get a lot of traffic. (and by “a lot” I mean “not really that much”).

5…will be posted on your blog sometime in April on a date we both agree to.

There you go. I don’t ask for too much from you guys, but if you’re up for it I’d love to work together on this one.

So…Can I guest post on your blog?

Welcome to Cliche Thursday, where each week we deconstruct 5 expressions that we’ve all become a little too familiar with and ask you for some of your own least favorites.

Today we’re getting a little violent…

Here we go…

“Don’t shoot me, I’m just the messenger” – and for future reference, even if I’m not just the messenger next time, don’t shoot me then either.

In fact, here’s a rule of thumb to go by for all of our future interactions. No matter what I am, never shoot me.

“Bite the Bullet” – Legend has it that they used to give wounded soldiers a bullet to bite on when undergoing surgical procedures before the invention of anesthesia.

Maybe I’m an idiot, but couldn’t we have found something less dangerous for these guys to stick between their clenched teeth than a live round? How about a rock? A piece of wood? An angry mongoose? I guess it wasn’t bad enough that these guys were having limbs amputated with no pain meds, we wanted to try and blow all the teeth out of their mouth as well.

“I’ll be a son of a gun” – But to be honest, I didn’t have much of a choice. My daddy really did love that female rifle of his.

“He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword” – That’s because most people die in their houses.Truth is, this expression works no matter what you live next to.

Move next to a pumpkin patch and suddenly this expressions becomes “He who lives by the gourd, dies by the gourd.”

“Let’s bury the hatchet” – and let’s hope no one around here owns a metal detector, because if they dig that thing up, our fingerprints are all over it. And blood. There’s a lot of blood on that hatchet. And maybe carving the names of our victims into the wooden handle was too much? Yeah, it probably was. So was autographing the blade in a sharpie.

You know what? Less talking, more digging.

What About You: Any expressions really silencing your gun lately?

Add them to the list so we can skewer them in the coming weeks.

Time for another edition of Living with the Amish (you can see the previous 12 editions here).

As always, there are actual pictures taken from my actual phone.

Remember those turtle carriers cars used to use in the 80s?

This is the Amish version.

Wood, plastic wrap, and a red rope.

Caught this Amish guy driving a motorized vehicle.

He thought no one would catch him in his Evilmobile, but I was there to snap a picture.

I’m like the Chris Hansen of the Amish community.

Hey horse, GET OFF MY LAWN!!!

As if riding a scooter in the dead of winter isn’t punishment enough,

here, wear this bright safety vest so no one misses you.

When the snow and ice are too much for the buggy, it’s time to break out the sled.

(aka, Amish snow tires)

What’s in the backpack, buddy?

Hockey sticks?

Farm equipment?

Power outlets and extension cords?

If you live in Lancaster County and have a nose, then you know what this is.

It’s a large green vessel filled with manure for enriching the soil.

When the wind is blowing just right, these things can ruin your entire day.

—

and finally, time to ask you guys for a caption…

i took this picture at the movies a few weeks ago. If you can’t tell, I’m sitting behind an Amish girl.

(caption please)

(If you don’t watch LOST, these posts will be torturous to you. I apologize in advance. Just skip them and come back on Wednesdays, where I will try to make it up to you.)

My brother Jordan and I are back to discuss a few things related to episode 6 of LOST’s final season, “Sundown”.

(Jordan’s thoughts will be the ones in blue)

one note before we start. Jordan mentions this down below, but the writers have confirmed that Kate’s last name was written on the cave wall and was crossed out. (the clip was mistakenly left on the editing room floor) So “51 – Austen” was on the lighthouse wheel, not crossed out and it was on the cave wall, but it was crossed out.

—————–

Season 6, Episode 6, “Sundown”

My 10 biggest Observations/Questions/Thoughts

1. Why didn’t Dogen kill Sayid? With a scalpel to his neck he sees the baseball hit the ground and he stops as he thinks of his boy. But was that a reminder of a deal he had made not to kill anyone (explaining why he didn’t kill Sayid with the pill either) or was it just a reminder of the fragility of life?

I am clueless about this one. I hope we are going to get a little more backstory on Dogen but they are running out of time. I actually just read an article where Carlton and Damon mention that there are things they won’t be able to answer that they wanted to answer because they have barely any time left in the series.

2. One other thing about Dogen. Lennon made it seem like it was more than just the ash that was keeping Smokey out of the temple. Lennon said it was Dogen himself, and once Sayid killed Dogen it was a free for all. Makes you wonder how much power the ash had to keep smokey out in the first place. Not really sure what was so special about Dogen that his mere presence kept Smokey out.

Yeah hard to tell if Lennon is just misguided or if he knows something that we don’t know.

3. We certainly learned a lot more about Sayid in this episode. For instance, Miles confirmed that Sayid was actually dead for 2 hours and it was something other than the good Temple people who brought him back. I was wondering how the “darkness” could have taken over Sayid during those 2 hours since he was in the temple, but then I remembered the muddy temple water he was drowned in. Was it that muddy water that gave him the infection? Or did he get the infection out in the jungle and because the temple spring was muddy it did not cure him of it?

Ooh, good question. Was it the muddy water, or did the muddy water fail to cleanse him. I’m leaning towards the muddy water because Dogen said something like “There could be side effects” Jack told him to do what he had to do.

(and don’t you get the impression that 4 years ago the writers were like “wouldn’t it be nice to have someone who talked to dead people? Yeah, let’s have dead people appear to Hurley and talk to him…and let’s create another character who can just be near a dead body and hear what it’s saying.” Almost feel like that’s why Miles was created, but hey, it works.)

I don’t think this is entirely wrong. But I think that the writers wanted to blur the line between life and death and make us question what being dead really is.

4. Interesting that Sayid accepted Dogen’s challenge to go stab Smokey Locke in the heart. It was Sayid’s last “stab” at being good. It didn’t work, of course, but it showed that Sayid’s “scale” really was tipped in favor of good, despite being a “bad man”. At least it was…by the end of the episode it becomes clear that the darkness it starting to tip the scales, and it seems like there’s nothing that can be done about it.

I feel like Sayid is such a follower. The last thing I remember him doing for himself was going on his one man adventure after he tortured Sawyer in season 1. He’s been doing other people’s wishes ever since. That might be an exaggeration, but doesn’t it seem like he is so easily manipulated? Ben had running around the world shooting random people and Sayid came crawling back after every execution.

5. Dogen said Sayid needed to kill Locke before he spoke, but Locke did get out a sentence before he was stabbed. I kinda think Dogen wasn’t being literal and that it didn’t really matter if Locke spoke or not. Either way it seems Sayid was on a mission that couldn’t be accomplished.

My guess is that Dogen wanted Evil Locke to kill Sayid. He knew that Locke could talk him out of it so he told Sayid to just run in and stab him knowing that he couldn’t actually kill him. Dogen assumed Locke would strike back right away and slay him.

6. Where did Flocke leave Sawyer? Last we saw them they were in the jungle right? There’s some folks out there who believe Sawyer shot himself in his drunken pity party back at his house in New Otherton and that he’s been infected and brought back to life like Sayid. Not sure I’m down with that theory, but it is interesting to keep in the back of your head.

Definitely not down with that theory. They have been building Sawyer up in recent seasons, I don’t think they would just pull the rug out from under us at this point, but it is Lost so who knows. He probably sent Sawyer off on some mission that we will see this coming tuesday.

7. When Smokey said to Sayid, “Take it, I won’t bite.” it sounded an awful lot like the Serpent in the garden saying “C’mon, Just take a bite.”

Excellent.

And I’ll revisit this in a minute, but why didn’t the black smoke kill Kate on the temple rampage? Just because she was in the pit with Claire, didn’t mean she was safe did it? Did Claire specifically ask Smokey not to kill Kate so she could find out if Kate was responsible for Aaron’s disappearance? Or did Smokey not care about Kate because he doesn’t see her as a part of the temple clan?

Hmm, seems there are a few possible answers.
1. Smokey didn’t notice Kate because she was in the pit. Not likely.
2. Smokey passed over Kate on purpose because she was with Claire. Likely
3. Smokey passed over Kate because she wasn’t Temple Folk. Likely
4. Smokey passed over Kate because she put lamb’s blood around her front door.

Seriously though, if Smokey isn’t exactly what the Angel of Death looked like then I have been picturing the AoD incorrectly all these years.

8. Pretty sure the writers won’t go back to this now, but all those years that Ben Linus thought he was talking to Jacob, was he really talking to Smokey? At some point Ben’s name was crossed off and he wasn’t a candidate. Makes me think of when Jacob said to Ben, “what ABOUT you, Ben?” and then Ben killed him.

I think that they might touch upon this at some point. Maybe a confrontation between Flocke and Ben where Flocke reveals that it was him all along and not Jacob. If they never talk about it again, I will assume that it was the Man in Black in the cabin all those years.

9. Remember back a few episodes when Smokey took Sawyer to Jacob’s cave? Who knows how many lies Smokey told Sawyer in that conversation, but I’m thinking one of them was that the cave was Jacob’s. I think that was a lie, because I think the cave was Smokey’s. Think about it, we just saw Jacob’s lighthouse and all the candidate’s names he had scrawled on the wheel. Why would he be keeping track of the candidates in two places? And wouldn’t it make sense that Jacob’s list was in a lighthouse and Smokey’s list was in a cave? Light and darkness, white and black, lighthouse and cave.

GREAT theory.

Plus think about this. At the end of the episode we see Kate joining up with Smokey’s group, and Smokey gives her a look like, “huh, I didn’t expect you to be with me, but okay.” (at least i think that’s what the look was). Remember who’s name was nowhere to be found on the cave wall? “Austen”. We saw on Jacob’s lighthouse wheel that she was a candidate AND that she wasn’t crossed off yet. What if, for some reason, she is not on Smokey’s radar as a potential candidate?

Is it a fact that her name wasn’t on the cave wall? Tough to get a look at every name on there. But I guess it is possible that Smokey is behind on the list of candidates…Just found this on Lostpedia “According to an interview of Carlton Cuse with IGN, Kate Austen’s name and number, 51, does appear in the cave, but “unfortunately was not given a close up, and it is crossed out.”

Hm…well this adds even more credence to that theory. Kate’s name is crossed out in the cave but not in the lighthouse. So if the cave belongs to Smokey, then he doesn’t see Kate as a potential candidate, but Jacob does.

10. And finally, I feel like we got our first big clue as to what is happening in the alt-timeline. It feels like what we’re seeing is what these characters would ask for if they were offered a deal by Jacob or Smokey.

Jack, with all his daddy issues, would want a chance to be a good dad and in the alt-timeline he has a son. Sayid would want a chance to be with Nadia (he even tells Smokey that in the jungle) and he gets to be with her. Hurley would want to be the luckiest guy in the world instead of the unluckiest. Claire would want to be with Aaron, and what do you know, in the alt-timeline the adopting couple doesn’t want him.

Interestingly enough, Locke is still in his chair in the alt-timeline, but he seems to have a good relationship with his dad and with Helen, so he gets what he wants. As for Sawyer and Kate, not sure. Sawyer doesn’t seem like a con-man in the alt-timeline and Kate claims to be innocent.

What does it all mean? I don’t know. Some have guessed that the difference between the two timelines might be that the original timeline is Jacob’s and that this alt-timeline belongs to the Man in Black. Not sure if I’m on board with that. But in the original timeline Jacob touches the lives of our LOSTies (and not just them…he also offers a deal to Dogen to bring back his son and to Juliet to have her sister be cancer-free) and we see how that plays out.

Now in this alt-timeline it seems that Jacob hasn’t touched their lives. It seems like the Man in Black has given them what they wanted, only making a deal with the devil isn’t always what you think. Jack might be a good dad, but his dad is still gone. Sayid is with Nadia, but she’s married to his brother. Locke has love, but is still in his chair. It seems like a better reality than the original, but will it stay that way?  I don’t know. This is a different take on the alt-timeline than what I offered up last week, but both of them have their holes.

Either way, i thought sundown was an awesome episode with an amazing ending, and more than ever it feels real that there are only 12 hours of the show left.

Good thoughts here. It could go hand in hand with what you said last week. That they are showing us how the series plays out after the finale. Maybe it comes down to a conversation between Jack and MiB or Jacob and he asks to go back and have the plane not crash and the last scene is that scene on the plane and they land in LAX. It makes sense because Lost has done something like this before. They show us the effects of an action long before showing us the action take place. Its like they fill in the blanks before they even create them. So if the last scene we see isn’t the last thing that happens chronologically we shouldn’t really be surprised.

Also, I think that Jack would choose this alternate timeline where he has a good relationship with his son, over going back to having his dad around so he can try to mend that relationship. Jack can either try to go back and heal whats been broken so many times, or he can use the knowledge of his relationship with his dad to create a healthy one with his son, which would be a great way to show his deceased father that he really loved him and wanted this type of relationship with him. Remember the converstion between Jack and his Dad right before he marries Sarah. I think it was in one of the mobisodes (that were confirmed as canon) but its Jack and his Dad sitting by the pool talking about a watch that Christian’s father gave to him. He talks about how his relationship with his dad sucked.

I’m starting to think that this entire series is just an epic Father’s Day card.

—

Tonight…Episode 7, “Dr. Linus” (just 13 12 hours of LOST left)

I recently realized I was born to be in advertising. Not sure why it took me this long to see it, but it’s only a matter of time before every major ad firm is begging me to join their staff and every major company is on my doorstep asking me to hock their wares.

I’m sure I could make some calls and get hired by an ad agency in 10.5 seconds, but that’s not how I roll. I’d rather do my thing and let them come to me.

Please don’t be alarmed by the sheer genius and awe-inducing power of what you’re about to see. And please don’t try to donate money to me for sharing these…I’ll be dropping these on you pro bono every week until I get hired to do this full time. It shouldn’t take long…

If you’re an ad agency and you want some of this, it’s bryanallain-at-gmail.com.

If you’re a company with a product to sell, ditto.

I’m changing the game…we are all witnesses.

Totally forgot this video existed until yesterday.

It’s from 2006, and it’s me playing a rather uninspired cowbell on stage with my favorite band of all time, Caedmon’s Call.

(I make an appearance at the :07 and the 1:07 mark wearing my red sox sweatshirt)

It was always a dream of mine to play on stage with Caedmon’s, still makes me smile to watch it.

Got me thinking, if you could play cowbell on stage with any band in the world, who would it be?

Bonus points if your answer rhymes with Pickleback.

My friend Tyler has a new book out that will make you laugh fairly hard.

You won’t be buckled over and in pain from laughing, because let’s face it, books don’t usually make you do that unless they have a secret pouch of nitrous oxide in the front cover that releases when you open it.

But this book will make you laugh a whole lot more than a bag of 48 quarters would. That I can assure you.

I like to think I know funny, and Tyler is one of the funniest people I know. I mean, check out the promo video:

Click here to buy one before you die.

And have a great weekend.

Welcome to Cliche Thursday, where each week we deconstruct 5 expressions that we’ve all become a little too familiar with and ask you for some of your own least favorites.

Today we’re focusing on a few food related expressions…

Here we go…

“It’s as easy as pie” – Is it as easy as baking a pie or as easy as eating a pie? Because baking a pie isn’t very easy. Not that I’d know because I’ve never actually done it. Because it’s hard.

But eating a pie? Easier than breathing. And arguably more important.

“Don’t cry over spilled milk” – Seriously, if you’re gonna cry, go do it somewhere else. All the leucine enkephalin in your tears mixes with the phospholipids in the milk makes it a real bear to get out of the carpets.

Go cry over the plants in the family room, they need to be watered.

“Everything from soup to nuts” – What spectrum could we possibly be talking about in which soup is all the way on one side and nuts are all the way over on the other side?

Perhaps this expression originated in the world’s first grocery store in which the canned soup aisle was along the north wall and the nuts were stacked along the south wall. And when the stock boy asked his boss which aisles needed to be swept, the manager replied, “Sweep the whole store! Everything from soup to nuts!”

“It’s hot enough to fry an egg on a sidewalk” – But how hot does it actually have to be?

…so hot that no one else is outside using the sidewalks who might step on your eggs.

…so hot that you can also toast bread on a sewer grate.

…so hot that you need to put your cup of coffee in the shade or it will evaporate into nothingness.

…so hot that if you need cheese for your omelet, you can squeeze it right out of the cow’s udders.

THAT’S how hot it is.

“He’s the bread winner of the family” – But the truth is, they’d be able to afford some meat and potatoes too if he was gainfully employed.

Heck, he doesn’t even need to get a job, he just needs to start entering contests that offer a better first prize than bread.

What About You: Any expressions really sizzling your bacon lately?

Add them to the list so we can skewer them in the coming weeks.

Some lists need no introduction because you’ve seen them a hundred times and they make perfect sense. Top 10 Blogs I visit, 5 Reasons to go to Catalyst This Year, and 21 Ways to Make Money While on the Toilet, to name a few.

Then there are other lists that need no introduction because, well, they just don’t need an introduction.

(and yes, I guess all that technically qualifies as an introduction. Stop nitpicking.)

The 15 Most Embarrasing Non-Sexual Things To Catch Your Grandparents Doing.

1. Clipping Al Roker’s Toenails – Maybe Al needed some help with this a few years ago, but he’s lost a lot of weight since then grandpa. He can do that himself. And grandma, if you’re going to help out at least use some nail clippers. I don’t care how sharp your incisors are, that’s just wrong.

2. Doing Jello shots – Can’t you guys just sip whiskey or red wine like everyone else’s grandparents? And please, stop dancing on the table grandma, you’re going to hit your heard on the ceiling fan. Again.

3. Worshiping at a David Hasselhoff shrine – Oh grandma, I’m sorry to interrupt prayer time, I smelled the candles burning and I wanted to make sure everything was okay. Are you crying? Geesh, I’m really sorry. I should have knocked, I apolo…and…that’s totally a picture of David Hasselhoff that you’re clutching isn’t it? Wait, is that the Baywatch theme coming from your cassette deck? And why does it smell like Hawaiian Tropic lotion in here?

4. Ranking their favorite grandkids on a giant whiteboard – I don’t know what makes me more upset, the fact that you’re ranking all of us or the fact that I’m 6th out of 10. I mean, I always say “thanks for slipping me that $5 bill” more than any of the other kids. You’d think that would have at least got me into the Top 3, you heartless animals!

5. Eating Dog Food – I don’t care how much it tastes like real bacon, grandpa, that’s just disgusting. Can you at least save yourself a sliver of dignity and use a spoon?

6. Stabbing a voodoo doll - Um, guys what are you doing with that doll? Hey hey! Why are you shoving that letter opener into it’s chest like that? You’re gonna make a mess! You’re getting cotton all over the dining room floor and I’m gonna be the one who has to clean…wait a second, what’s written on it’s stomach? “Osama Bin Laden”? You guys are stabbing a Bin Laden voodoo doll? Have you guys been watching the 700 Club again?

7. Lighting their farts on fire – I’d warn you guys about the urban legend that says those flaming farts could travel up your intestines and burn you alive, but I’ll be honest, that would be a pretty cool way for you to go.

8. Counting Chuck E. Cheese Tickets – Guys, if you really want a plastic spider ring I think there’s enough margin in your pension to get you one. Oh, you’re saving up 10,000 tickets for the razor scooter? Well in that case keep counting. There’s no way we’ll be able to find one of those at a toy store for a reasonable price.

9. Doing P90X – I’d argue that you guys really shouldn’t be worrying about a beach body anymore, but if grandpa is going to insist on the Speedo again next summer, every little bit will help.

10. Sitting in Adjacent Bathtubs – I almost left this off the list because it is sexually-related. Then I realized there’s absolutely nothing sexual about sitting in your own bathtub next to someone sitting in their own bathtub.

11. Performing surgeries on stuffed animals – I’ve got to be honest, as cute as it is that you guys are dressed up in scrubs and talking to each other in doctor lingo, watching you take off that giraffe’s neck with a steak knife will probably haunt me for the rest of time.

12. Using MySpace – Unless you guys started a band this week and didn’t tell me about it, you really should think about coming over to Facebook.

13. Doing the Soulja Boy Dance – Grandpa, you do realize you just said “Superman that ho!”? I can only hope grandma has no idea what that means.

14. Watching Barney – I don’t care if this is an episode you haven’t seen yet, they all end the same. The kids revolt and stab the big purple dinosaur to death with a harpoon, then they burn his carcass on a funeral pyre and shoot up heroin. (At least, that’s how the episodes end in my head.)

15. Running an illegal gambling ring out of their bedroom – What’s going on in here? *cough* You guys are going to set off the fire alarm with all this cigar smoke *cough* Are you taking NFL futures bets? Why are you guys doing this? It’s illegal, not to mention the seedy characters you you’re dealing with. Wait a second, you’ve got the Ravens at 18:1 to win the Super Bowl next year? Wow, there’s some real value there. Screw it, put me down for a hundred on Baltimore.

—

What about you? Got any ideas that I missed?

Ever catch your grandparents involved in an embarrassing, non-sexual activity?