Ramblings From the Dark Corners of My Mind

Friday, April 17th, 2020

2020-04-17T14:57:00.000-07:00

The cabin fever is real.

I know. First world problem.

This afternoon my husband and I took some masks, hopped in the car, and went for a drive around the Adirondack's for a bit. We went up the highway until we got to mountains and lakes, got McDonald's, then came home LOLOL But it got me out of the house for hours, and I feel less like a raving loon, for now.

Home again, though. He got some stuff delivered for a project so he's got something to do. Colin has been doing homework all day. Ambitious fellow. I'm going to have a glass of wine and relax. Or whatever.

We got our "Trump Bucks" Wednesday -- $1200 per person stimulus checks. Paid some bills. Got a decent TV. Joined the Gish one day at home event and started a team for that -- NNYMixedNuts. Only have a few teammates so far, but it's going to be fun!

Still nobody I know personally has tested positive. I know one person who was quarantined but then tested negative and is back at work. Wondering if it's going to have an impact up here like it had in NYC. Hoping not, but it's so hard to tell.

Wednesday, April 8th, 2020

2020-04-08T07:28:00.001-07:00

Well they've put out a travel advisory for the county. I verified a few things my parents needed and went out this morning, got them what they needed, got us what we needed, then came on home. We'll need dog and cat food, and I've got a couple refills in at the pharmacy, but we shouldn't need to go out for much for about a month, at this point.

Now we wait.

They're saying these two weeks coming up are going to be the BIG SCARY peak. Well, that's surely true down in the city, but I don't think it's up north yet. I think we're going to get stomped in May when they let their guard down and let people go back to school and random assorted things. Once we mix everybody back together it's going to spike again. :(

Monday, April 6th, 2020

2020-04-06T11:19:00.003-07:00

Took Kyle's truck into town to fill the gas tank then right back home. The town is so quiet....not silent as we're not under stay home orders and lots of people are still working at their "essential" jobs. But it's eerie for sure.

Made bread today in the new bread machine I snagged when Peggy moved. Not my best work, but it's been a while. And bread is bread. Found yeast at The Natural Way -- the grocery stores keep running out.

My unemployment is boosted with an additional $600 now with the new incentives or whatever they're calling them. It'll be nice to be able to keep the bills caught up and buy a pizza lol.

Did the dishes, organized a few things, got laundry going, but mostly I have zero motivation to do much of anything other than sit on my couch, read Destiel fanfics, and chill. I supposed there are worse things.

Cuomo has ordered that schools will be closed until 4/29 to give social distancing time to actually work and not end it too soon and throw us into a tailspin with illnesses. Not usually a fan of his, but he's been doing great with all this. If he chose to run for president this fall I'd actually vote for him.

Several Hours Later......

So I got a little motivated. Nothing terribly exciting, but I got the laundry mostly caught up, made goulash, did assorted tidying and cleaning things. Now listening to one of my Pandemic playlists, enjoying a glass of wine, and feeling well medicated.

I heard today that one of the neighbors has lost a family member to Covid.....a middle aged man, not a high risk type. It's starting to hit closer to home. It's been a few days since anything new has come out of Washington DC or Albany so the news stories are starting to throw hyped up crap around again.

Friday, April 3rd, 2020

2020-04-03T09:56:00.000-07:00

Colin just got back from going into town. He was going to make a deposit at his bank then pick up a few things for me at the grocery store. He ended up vetoing the bank when he saw how many people were touching the drive through equipment lol. At the grocery store he ended up just getting the bread products as he didn't want to touch a grocery cart. He assured me that he disinfected both bags of bread items LOL He's a bit over dramatic, but he also noted that the stores are right now full of people who got paid on the 1st and that he didn't want to interfere with their ability to safely shop -- which is exactly correct. Kyle can pick up his own soda.

It's rainy and dreary out today. I've got beef ribs and pork ribs marinating, chicken in the fridge to cut up for boneless wings -- gotta get some variety going, now that there's some room in the fridge lol.

Talked to Colin about taking Max for walks as the dog is bored and restless. Of course, it's raining right now but he'll do it. Max is currently sleeping up against the bedroom door while Kyle is in bed. Gypsy, Milly, and Doodlebug are all curled up on me with Viscous right next to us and Maya in a chair across the room. All creatures great and small are just napping on this gloomy rainy day. I slept in until about 10'ish but the curtain fell down in the window next to my head so that kind of woke me up lol. Those light blocking curtains are heavy and almost too much for the pressure type curtain rods they're on.

I know I should clean something.....the kitchen table is piled high with things that I dug out of the spare room and could use putting away.....but I'm honestly just 1000% uninterested in doing, well, anything.

Que sera, sera.

Thursday, April 2nd, 2020

2020-04-02T15:29:00.002-07:00

So yeah....there were surely a few assholes out there who did coronavirus April Fool's Day pranks, but thankfully they were few and far between.

Woke up tired and laid around on the couch with the dogs watching TV all day. Got My Cousin Vinny on at the moment.....a most excellent movie.

There are over 200K cases in the US.....more than 30 in our county, now.

Tuesday, March 31st, 2020

2020-03-31T13:03:00.002-07:00

Well, went out to Walmart earlier. Had some Rx's to pick up and got some groceries while I was there. The overall atmosphere was still good. Stopped in at Alkie's too -- don't want to run out of wine lol.
Of course now I have a scratchy throat, but it's allergy season so who tf can even tell anymore; right?

There are over two dozen cases in St. Lawrence County, now, so it's noticeably here. And as tests become more available that will surely increase fast.

There was an article that came out Sunday morning that Cuomo was going to ban combustible tobacco for six weeks starting midnight on Monday, so we stocked Kyle up on cigs. Didn't happen -- but c'est la vie. It's the only 'panic buy' that we've done.

One State Trooper Kyle knows has tested positive, though not sick at this time.

It gets difficult to shut my brain off, frequently. SO grateful for texting and the internet -- though if they didn't exist there's other things to do, but I can't imagine losing these services.

It's just really difficult to focus and settle, right now. The anticipation mixed with boredom is a killer. I can understand why some people are just going about their lives. They're nuts, and they're putting people in danger, but I totally get it.

Friday, March 27th, 2020

2020-03-27T18:25:00.002-07:00

What Day is it?

It's actually getting hard to tell. Yeah, today was Kyle's payday....but half the check was prespent on car insurance. Took enough out for CuraLeaf's drop off this coming Wednesday and bam. Basically done. Colin, on the other hand, got two checks in as many days for his work program at school that was all set to be this awesome thing just before the pandemic hit. He was going to be doing a work program that to me sounded similar to an internship, with the business department. While also doing an actual internship for e-sports. LOL
Happy 2020.

There are a small handful of cases in St. Lawrence County, now. An employee at Clarkson University, a teacher at SLU, an city council person in Ogdensburg, and a couple others. And you KNOW there'd be more if there were enough tests for this damn thing. We all know it's not a matter of containment, just a matter of slowing down the spread so the hospitals have some kind of chance of dealing with it. Which is a joke as the PPE's, namely the N95 masks which are totally gone, are all in a severe shortage. This is either going to all blow over and be a big warning we don't listen to, or this is going to fuck our shit up in a major way that we just can't conceive of at this moment but will echo for a generation.

Anyway, nothing much happened today honestly. Just starting to feel antsy and the delayed reaction my part of the world seems to be under. And every day that things don't get severely worse people take it all as a sign that this is all nothing and they can just go about their normal lives. Which is such a Catch22 it's staggering.

Ok. That's enough of this for now.

Tuesday, March 24th, 2020

2020-03-24T13:20:00.002-07:00

Yeah....doesn't take long for things to get boring. Strange the difference between wanting to stay home and being told to stay home. So much of it is just perception.

I did pop out a bit this morning. I went to our local Price Chopper and picked up some predone fruit and veggie trays. I went to a locally owned pizza shop, Rosario's, and ordered some pizzas to be delivered to the ER up at MMH. Then dropped off the trays. Joann said there was enough and it was appreciated. I didn't put any names on it or anything -- but I'd texted with Jo to see what people liked. You never know, in a small town, if there's a preference or an anti preference lol. I'd love to see it get popular, like paying for the order of the car behind you at the drive-thru. And not just for ER workers, but anybody that is working during the Pandemic. With the exception of Washington D.C......if this decimated Capitol Hill it might go down as the best silver lining on any natural disaster to date.

Texting and Facebook are the main ways that I'm interacting with people.

The scanner is getting busier. You can tell when it's a Covid-19 call, they have a special Code they throw out and often ask the squad to landline dispatch. Domestics are picking up but mostly during the day. Kyle says nights are still pretty regular, for the moment. We're all just waiting for the shit to hit the fan.

Monday, March 23rd, 2020

2020-03-23T12:22:00.000-07:00

Today we had A.J.'s Septic come and he pumped our tank which started showing signs of being full once the ground was frozen, of course. The neighbors' had theirs done, too -- this heavy precipitation and warm winter means we're all a bit overfull at this point anyway from backflow.

CuraLeaf delivered Kyle's vapes to him so we didn't have to go to the dispensary in Plattsburgh to pick it up this past weekend.

Colin was supposed to start his online classes today but it seems like not all the professors are quite up and ready to do that just yet.

Been working on laundry. Otherwise haven't really done diddly around the house.

The jumps in numbers between yesterday and this morning for confirmed cases, deaths, etc., was huge. They're saying that this coming week is going to be really really bad compared to things so far.

After nearly all the snow has melted, leaving only the dirty dregs from snowbanks, today it has begun to snow again.

People are sewing face masks since the medical community has run out of PPE and masks meant to be disposable are being re-used.

Gov. Cuomo has been raging on tv today about people not taking this seriously, not staying home. I'm honestly amazed that he thought people would be mature and responsible about all of this. People are having parties and all sorts of goofy stuff. They really don't seem to Get It, that if they don't make it an absolute ORDER, some people are going to be complete assholes and be out there like it's just another Monday.

Sunday, March 22nd, 2020

2020-03-22T13:56:00.000-07:00

Just a quick update.

A few weeks into January my new boss came to me and told me he was going to semi-retire and no longer needed me. I'm currently on unemployment. I did do a week at VTC when they had two people out on vacation at the same time. I'd decided to go back to college, most likely for a PsyD in Psychology.

Now we are in the midst of a Pandemic. Novel Corona virus COVID-19 started out in Wuhan China in January, just in time for their New year celebration. They kept it nice and quiet until it was too late to change any of the celebrating and maybe keep it small. It's currently global. NY State is in a State of Emergency, as are many of the individual towns and cities. President Trump declared a State of Emergency and the individual states, so far, are taking it from there. This is only the beginning.

Colin moved home Thursday from college. They all went to online learning, but they were allowing students who hadn't gone on spring break to remain on campus. Until they weren't, lol. So he's home, now. Kyle is, of course, essential personnel so he's still going back and forth to work. Cuomo has the state not on a Stay Home order, but 100% reduction in on site workforce for non-essential personnel. Most are listening to him. The shelves in all the grocery stores are cleaned off pretty thoroughly.

We have everything we need right here at the house. Plenty of food, the fixin's to make food, etc, beverages, medications, dog/cat food, and so on we're set up. Especially with Kyle going back and forth to work anyway.

So mostly now we're just to sit tight and watch. China and Italy have been hideously devastated by this virus. Things could get exponentially worse very quickly. We can only wait and see.

A New Chapter

2020-02-20T06:12:00.001-08:00

It's amazing how quickly things get old once your'e over 40.

So about four years ago I enrolled in college. I had been job hunting but hadn't found anything decent. But in March of 2016 I took a job with Volunteer Transportation Center as a dispatcher. Within a year I started doing data entry full time for them. I worked there for nearly four years before the constraints of a non-profit, the evolution of the programs, and a few other things reached a point that I started seriously job hunting again. I quickly found a position as a legal secretary right close to home. It was great! I got along very well with my boss, with my co-workers, and I was quickly learning the ins and outs of what I was doing. Than something changed. The employer decided to do a partial retirement and my services were no longer needed. He seemed to truly feel remorseful for having uprooted me only to leave me hanging less than two months later, and honestly I completely understand where he was coming from in regards to doing what he needed to do for himself. And though I'd never been fired from a job before, I took it pretty much in stride.

At first I was ready to jump right back into something new, but as things sunk in I realized that I'd really started such a new chapter in my life and I should make the most of it. I don't want to lock myself into some other job that a *maybe* will like, punching someone else's time clock and hoping that things go better than the last time. I was planning for retirement and looking for something to get me there, but maybe the journey isn't just about putting my head down and powering through it. Maybe the journey doesn't have to suck. So with that in mind, I'm going to go back to the beginning of this Unit and go back to school. I'll be 50'ish by the time I get out, but honestly that's not old and leaves a solid 15+ years before I can collect Social Security (at 67).

So far my thoughts are to focus on LBGTQ+ and Couple's Counseling....I've really got to get over to admissions and chat with someone and really hammer the details out. It's February now, so there's no screaming rush. I might have to do things online....which I'm unsure about but I may have to go that route to get what I want. So be it.

Onward and Upward.

A Little Story

2017-02-14T16:38:00.000-08:00

So there were this brother and sister....the brother's name was Andy and the sister's name was Dee. Andy was in his mid-30's and Dee was in her mid-20's, so they didn't have a lot of childhood memories together, but they were family, all the same. Andy was in the habit of showering every other day. He felt that this was sufficient unless he did some kind of work that required more immediate cleaning. Dee showered every day, sometimes twice a day. She felt that this was absolutely necessary and that it should be necessary for everybody. Dee was troubled by Andy's refusal to change his habits. When she would confront him about not showering every day he would just tell her that he did what worked best for him and she should mind her own business. That wasn't enough for Dee, though.

First Dee tried to convince Andy that her way was better by showing him how good it made her feel to shower every day and by sharing various good reasons why she did so. Andy listened patiently, mostly, to her and then continued on about his day. He continued to be content and Dee continued to be bothered by his unwillingness to change.

Next Dee tried to shame Andy into showering every day. She began to tell him regularly that he was dirty, that his habits were ignorant, and that he was backwards. Andy began to be frustrated and angry at Dee because he knew that his life worked just fine for him and he did not feel any need to change. He didn't care if Dee showered ten times a day as long as she left him to do his own thing. The relationship between them grew tense and more and more often Andy would find himself feeling angry just talking to Dee about anything at all, much less the showering issue. Though somehow, anything they talked about always led back to that. So the only change was that Andy was now angry at Dee and Dee was increasingly frustrated. She would yell at Andy that his unwillingness to change was a real problem. He tried to explain to her that he didn't NEED to change, but Dee insisted he did need to change.

Finally, Dee took her argument out into the world. She went onto social media and called Andy out in front of all his friends, some of his co-workers, and anybody who cared to look. She insulted him, said that he probably smelled badly, and insinuated that he was unclean and generally nasty. She stated that she had tried to reason with him, that she had tried to make him see things her way, but that he had stubbornly refused any change at all and continued to live his life in ignorance of her better ways. Some people were completely on Dee's side and chimed in with their opinions and soon many people were bombarding Andy with their opinions about how often he should shower. Anybody who chimed in that they agreed with Andy were quickly shut down and driven off. Some people privately messaged Andy and told him they agreed with him, but they were unwilling to stand up and really get into the drama that was unfolding online.

Eventually, Dee got to Andy's employer and convinced him that showering daily was necessary for everybody. He made a rule that all his employees had to do this and so Andy began to shower every day. Andy now hated Dee and everything she ever said, stood for, or tried to do. If she had said that the sky was blue he would have sworn it was green. If she said that Oxygen was good, he'd have held his breath. For years Andy stewed in silence, living his life forced to adhere to somebody else's way of thinking. Then, one day, his boss was promoted to a new office. There were two people up for the position. One of those people had worked with his former boss for years and while he had his own ideas, things would pretty much stay the same. The other person was pretty new and hadn't worked for the company for long and didn't really know the job at all, but he did make it a point to tell Andy that if he got the job he would let Andy and anybody else who cared, live their own lives as they pleased. Despite his flaws, this man got a surprising tsunami of support from Andy and the many, many people who were tired of being forced to change. People who might not have minded change, really, if they hadn't been browbeaten into it and derided and abused for not being enthused about it all.

The new boss drove the company into the ground and everybody lost their jobs.

Have you ever heard the expression "Don't cut off your nose to spite your face"? That's basically the moral of this story. Apply it how you see fit. But know this.....if you think you are superior to others because you believe that your ideals and lifestyle are superior, then you're a huge part of the problem.

What's Next....?

2017-01-23T12:31:00.002-08:00

Well, so many changes have happened and are happening right now, and so many people are up in arms over it all. I respect the exercising of rights seen last weekend around the country as people protested. I don't think that the new administration really heard any of those voices, honestly, but history was made nonetheless. Whether you love or hate the new administration one thing has become abundantly clear recently, and that is the incredible level of dependency on our Federal Government by average citizens. Hell, even people in other countries appear depend upon our Fed Gov't. And I just have to ask -- why? Do we realize that it wasn't meant to be that way? That these kinds of programs, the ones that are "under attack" now and being allegedly threatened by the new regime, all these kinds of things were meant to be handled at a state level, or even a community level, and never meant to be the domain of the Federal government? Because we have allowed the Federal gov't to become so over-sized, so bloated in it's myriad of responsibilities, now we see actual fear that it may no longer continue to be the teat at which so many nourish.

Instead of panicking that the Federal Government may discontinue funding every single thing under the sun from PBS to the health care of women in the Congo, instead of being actually afraid and living in real fear that the Health Care System set up on a Federal level may disappear, instead of watching through our TV screens, and our phone screens, and our computer screens, if you really want a program to exist then learn how to make it happen in your own area. All of these things can happen on a state level, or a smaller community level. Just because something isn't funded by Federal dollars doesn't mean is HAS to disappear. If enough people truly want something, they can make it happen. I have absolute faith in the people of this country to be able to make all these things happen if they really want to. It would take work, organization, and time, of course, but the infrastructures are all already there. Contact your local politicians and ask them how you can make something happen. You want to make sure that Meals on Wheels doesn't disappear and leave home bound people hungry? Call your local politician and ask what you can do to help make it so. You want to make sure that women have the right to choose? Call your nearest Planned Parenthood and ask if there are any groups working toward those goals that you can join, groups who will visit politicians and really work to lobby for it. You want to make sure that arts are supported in your community? Call your local Arts Council and ask how you can help. You want to make sure that your local animal shelter has funding? Call them! They love volunteers and they probably have great ideas for fundraisers. If you can't do something physically, donate money. If you don't have the ability to help physically, or financially, you can write letters and make phone calls and help with organization. Even if you're home bound and broke, you can find a way to help if something is that important to you. Do some online research about health insurance programs at a state level, call a state politician and ask how you can help make that a reality or more widely available. All these things don't just happen in a vacuum. All these programs came into existence because somebody cared enough to get out there and do something, and they got other people who cared to help. How so many things ended up suckling off the Federal milk doesn't even matter at this point. The point now is to find ways to keep the things going that matter to you.

Maybe, just maybe, if all the energies so vigorously put into protesting, were now put into the day to day work of getting things going and locally funded and up and running without those Federal training wheels, maybe there would be a lot less fear and a lot more empowerment.

I know.....where to start? Nobody really seems to know, do they? That's because we've all been coddled for so long, it's all been done for us to the point that so many of us really have no clue how to get out there and do any of these things. So it might take a little research. Call a friend, brainstorm about ideas, then call somebody else. Sooner or later if enough people care, and are willing to work, things will happen. And one thing is for damn sure....the new administration isn't going to be helping any of us average citizens. So if you need help, it's time to find other ways to go about it. If you love something, it's time to step out, step up, and learn how to make it happen. Because this is how it's got to be, if you want these things to continue. We've turned over the power to a fickle authority and now it's looking like it may let us down. Take that power back and do it ourselves, seems to me to be the answer.

It's time to stop hating. It's time to stop being offended. It's time to stop blaming. It's sure as Hell time to stop waiting to see what happens next. If you want something, NOW is the time to learn how to make that happen. Yourself. Right in your own community. Take control! Nobody is going to do it for you.

How Did THAT Happen?

2016-11-24T07:33:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving 2016! As I sit here, my house is quiet and peaceful. There is a blanket of snow outside and some gently falling from the sky in the way that movies try so hard to recreate. My husband is home from his midnight shift and asleep, visions of turkey dancing in his head. My son isn't up yet because, well, 9am.....teenager.....mutually exclusive things on a day off, usually. I'll be tuning in to the parade in New York City shortly and puttering around the house while watching it.
This is the first year in very many that I've worked outside the home, so my yard and my house are a cluttered mess of things that should have been put away, things that need dusting, and odds and ends that just haven't been done yet. I'm having a candle party Saturday night, so I'll be cleaning like a freak Saturday morning in preparation, though every person coming lives the same way lolol!

I was surfing Facebook earlier and I am still seeing a lot of posts and protests and angst about our recent Presidential election results. Yeah....when I got up that morning I was truly blown away that Donald Trump won that election. Granted, I voted for the Libertarian candidate in hopes that he'd swing 5% of the vote so in the next election cycle we would have a more viable third candidate, and also because both Trump and Hillary were terrible options. The overall behavior of many in our nation since that morning has been disgraceful. Eight years ago, when President Obama was elected, the people who were disappointed were told to "Deal with it" and "Get over it", that what's done is done. Now, those same groups are rioting. Those same groups are deriding and condemning the choice of, literally, more than half the voting adults in this country. And they want to know, "Why?" Why did this happen? How did he win?

I've seen a lot of opinions about that. Most of them incredibly insulting. They say things like, Trump won because racists voted for him. Trump won because people are sexist and want women pregnant and in the kitchen so they voted for him. People are xenophobic and so they voted for him. People are ignorant and uneducated and so they voted for him. People are stupid, so they voted for him. WOW. So you call half the country (actually, more): racist, sexist, xenophobic, stupid, uneducated, ignorant, etc, then you wonder WHY they aren't on board with your personal opinion and choices? Go figure.

I wonder if those people could possibly try something.....maybe try to see the world from a different point of view. Maybe if they tried to understand the reasons and issues that affect the world outside their own little bubble, if they didn't just mock what they don't agree with, maybe we wouldn't have illegal protests causing harm and creating chaos. Maybe we wouldn't have college level students who need "safe spaces" to come to grips with not getting their way. There ARE actual reasons why many, Many people voted for Donald Trump.

Here are some of the things that seem to be making the rounds. By the way, I am not going to state my own opinions about any of this so if you want to get your panties all in a bunch go for it, but don't bother lashing out at me because you don't like the idea that some people think differently than you do. But I've got friends on both sides of this thing, so I've heard a lot of discussion that maybe some folks haven't heard.

1) As human beings, we care about ALL other human beings and are willing to sacrifice things in our own lives to better the lives of others.

No. This is not how it works for a lot of people. For a lot of people, dealing with the mountains of shit going on in their own lives is more than enough to occupy their concerns. They don't have time to even contemplate how somebody in hurricane torn Haiti is feeling today. They are digging through their cupboards hoping to be able to put something together for their children that doesn't involve Kraft Dinner and cheap hot dogs. They are calculating exactly how much gasoline is in their car to get them to and from work this week, so they don't have to call in sick because they literally cannot afford to get to their job. They are signing their kids up for holiday gifts from charities because they'd really like their children to have something under the damned tree. The day to day struggle of surviving is literally all consuming and they need every nickel they've got just to make it until payday, so no, they really really do not care what somebody in another country, thousands of miles away, has on their plate, or even if they have a plate. They don't have room to help their own friends and family who are also struggling. The luxury of being able to help strangers is something they just do not understand. And maybe there's even some resentment that they can't afford to put a decent meal on the table for their children but their country is sending millions of dollars overseas to strangers.

When you assume that people in this situation are selfish or cold hearted because they don't care about these disasters in the world beyond their door, you are horribly wrong. You are looking at the world through your own lens and doing exactly what you are accusing those people of doing.

2) Health care is a Right.

No. The definition of what is a Right does seem to be flexible to many people. But just because you think everybody should have something, does not make it a right. A car is not a right. A home is not a right. A job is not a right. A good paycheck is not a right. And health care is not a right.

Instead of making everybody responsible for everybody else, make people responsible for themselves. And yes, if they fail to live up to that responsibility, it's not the fault of the world at large. That's the thinking. You've got the right to three things in this country: Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness. End of sentence.

3. Everybody cares about equality.

Yeah, in theory that may even be true. But when it comes right down to it, it's just more bullshit. Most people who don't suffer from inequality really never think about equality at all, unless it's all right up in their face. And giving them vague examples of something that might happen doesn't impress them. Show them a real example of something that DID happen, and you may get their attention. But otherwise, they just have no experience with any of it, so they don't understand. They can't. They know the world isn't fair, and they know that sometimes shit happens that they didn't deserve, and so they assume that this kind of things is what all the complaining is about. And from that limited experience, they don't understand why people don't just suck it up and get over it, go on about their lives. Don't be a criminal and you won't have to worry about the police. Don't act up in school and you won't have teachers that hate you. Be a good person and people will see that and just accept you no matter who you are. This is their own experience, this is what life has taught them, so why other people can't just figure that out is a mystery.

Now, if you introduce them to somebody who is a good person but got treated like a criminal because of their religion or color or sexual orientation, they may listen and they may begin to understand. But until these things are something other than a philosophical debate that never really includes them, they just aren't going to really see why folks act the way they do. And if you don't understand something, you really aren't going to care much about it. Especially, if you don't understand that there really is much of a problem. When you've rarely seen racism, xenophobic behavior, or blatant sexism happening, then you really may not understand how much of a problem it really is. And no, seeing it on TV doesn't really help. A new meme isn't going to solve anything. This is why there are pride parades and things like that, to help the people who still aren't seeing the problem to see the people who are living the problem; to try to make everybody understand that there really really IS a problem, that it's not just a bunch of crybabies who are used to participation trophies who didn't get their way for the first time.

4. One person's most valued cause is more important than another person's more valued cause.

Again, NO. If you had to pick just one cause, just one thing that you will throw all your support behind, what would it be? Marriage equality? Universal Health care? 2nd Amendment Rights? Abortion?
ASSuming that what you feel is the most important cause actually IS is arrogant and ignorant. If Person A feels that Marriage Equality is the most important cause to them, then they will vote Democrat. If Person B feels that their 2nd Amendment Rights are the most important thing to them, they will vote Republican. And when one group tries to devalue and ridicule the choices and feelings of another group because they don't agree with them, you get a mass uprising of middle America and you get Trump in the White House. Maybe if there were an open discussion.....maybe if people could live and let live.....just MAYBE if, instead of mocking and deriding the feelings and thoughts of MILLIONS of Americans, there had been some discussion.....some understanding......some recognition that just because you may disagree with somebody doesn't make them ignorant, stupid, or wrong, maybe then we wouldn't have had to choose between two candidates like we had.

5. I saw it on X news source who I trust, so it's true.

Folks, if you believe anything is the way the media portrays it then you're gonna have a bad time. Think of this last election cycle like Reality TV. It has about as much realism, as much factual information, as much reliable information as an episode of Duck Dynasty of the Kardashians. Just like Hillary's emails were not the dramatic problem they were made out to be, Trumps misogynistic behavior wasn't as dramatic as it was made out to be. Yes, there are grains....very very small grains of truth in most media sources, but that's about where it ends. It's all about the ratings and nothings gets good ratings more than pissing people off and making them afraid. So that's what's been done. They both suck. And, like any human beings, they both have skills and good qualities, too. Does this mean you have to like the results? Nope. But you do have to live with them for the next four years. Stop listening to the media and do your own research. At the very least, never assume that what you're seeing on tv is the whole story.

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Oh yes, the behavior or the very truly racist, sexist, and xenophobic people in the days following the election have been horrifying. And yes, I know I don't understand what it feels like to really be afraid right now, because I am a white American. I totally acknowledge that. And there is good reason to fear, at the moment, because those people are out there and right now they think they won something. They think they just elected one of their own, a new Hitler. They really haven't stopped to look at who Donald Trump was before all of this, at the things he's done in his life that haven't been highlighted by the media over the last year. And the things that all minorities always have to live with, the fears, are definitely highlighted at the moment. I do pray that this all passes. I do worry for my many friends who have legitimate fears right now, fears for their safety, fears for their marriages, fears for their equality, and I don't dismiss those fears. It's a realistic concern and I share it. I just think that we need to take a bit of a step back and have some hope. And we really really need to stop alienating one another. Lashing out in disappointment, or in fear, at the people who are happy with the election results doesn't stop the assholes from doing their things. It doesn't stop the hatred, the fear, or the lack of understanding. It only widens the gap and helps make sure that in four years we will see the same result at election time.

Maybe I'm just an optimist and that colors the way that I see things. But wouldn't you rather hold on to some hope and try for some understanding, than lash out and create more of a gap with anger and resentment? Because anger and resentment is why he won. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. So if you want to see something different in four years, then I suggest you consider what needs to be different.

Ensuring Independence by Transporting Neighbors

2016-06-09T13:52:00.003-07:00

www.VolunteerTransportationCenter.org

St. Lawrence County (315)714-2034

Did you know that if you, or a loved one, has medical appointments to get to and from and they cannot drive, there is help? I didn't. I found out when I found a job advertisement and applied for a position in the office at there VTC in Canton. I'm SO glad I didn't start college or end up at another job where I would have just been putting in time to earn a paycheck. Don't get me wrong, a paycheck is an important thing! Without it there isn't food and gas and utility payments and all sorts of fun things like that! But how nice to find a job that I LIKE doing with people I enjoy spending time with! My employers and co-workers are a lot of fun to be around; a variety of people from around the county, a variety of ages and personalities, and each of them damned cool to work with. I've learned a ton in just the couple of months that I've been there, already, and I've still got a lot to learn.

One of the things that's been more difficult for me is getting used to not knowing what I'm doing. I'm so very used to being good at what I do! The last two new jobs I took were both in fields that I was very confident in....childcare, and retail. Being Sammy's childcare provider was easy.....he was like a nephew to me and having him around was never any more difficult than having my own son around. And retail? Pshaw! I stepped into cashiering at Walmart and, other than having to learn a new POS system, it wasn't really anything I hadn't done before. I had to learn new things at the Service Desk, and there was plenty I didn't know, but Hell....it's retail. Now THIS.....this is something unlike anything I'd ever done before. And the variety of information that passes across my desk in any given day is just staggering. And I'm the new girl!! Being unsure of what I'm doing is very disconcerting, and I constantly feel like I'm going to tie things right into a big ole knot, but they tell me that's normal. ;) Fortunately, the awesome people I work with are there to help.

The gist of it is this.....people in my county who need to get to and from medical/dental/optical appointments, and for whatever reason are unable to drive or get there, can apply here and once they're set up in our system then we can get them there. We have a bank of Volunteer Drivers, who get some small reimbursement for mileage but otherwise are doing this on their own time and dime, who help people. It doesn't matter what your income is or what your age is or what your problems are, if you can get in and out of a car under your own steam, we can generally do something to help you out. We take new clients all the time. And new drivers are always welcome and sought after like gold! So if you've ever thought you'd like to do something to give back to your community, but you don't want to be on a committee or part of some large group, this would be exactly what you're looking for! You get a lot of human interaction, you get to meet new people and help people, but you also get to chill in your car and kick around the county and state.

Just something to consider!

Staying The Course

2016-01-19T11:38:00.001-08:00

I am not a patient person.
That may sound really strange to many of the people who know me and know that I spent years providing day care to several children, or who have known me to sit down and really listen to whatever kind of problem they needed to vent about, with no impatience. But really, when it comes right down to the day to day living of life, I am not a person who likes to sit back and wait for things or contemplate the roses, or in any way wait for things. Did I mention I'm not so great at the waiting part?
Last month, as I sat down at this very computer to go through the job listings looking for the kind of job that I WANT to do, I saw the headlines that ALCOA was planning to close the local foundry. Now, I had been watching the job market for years and had been actively looking for a job through the summer and fall. I want a Monday to Friday, day shift job, full time or part time, either is fine, but I want to get out of the house, I want to make some money, and I'd like to learn and stretch myself at some new tasks. The place I've applied at the most is Clarkson University. I'm a bit infatuated with their campus and would greatly enjoy working there. It doesn't hurt that if I work there that my son could get free tuition there, if he were to be accepted, when he goes to college. It also wouldn't hurt that I could take classes, too. But I haven't been exclusively looking at just that one place. So now I saw that a major local employer was closing in less than a month. This meant that all the older children of those employees, all the currently not employed spouses and significant others of those employees, were all going to be joining me in the search for work. It meant that the job marketplace was about to be flooded with hundreds of additional job seekers. Anything resembling the kind of job I'd like to have was about to vanish into a puff of smoke and what was going to be left were two fields I already had extensive experience in: retail and food service. I would rather not work in those fields. Food service I actually wouldn't mind all that much in the short term, but really didn't want to look at it as the job I might retire from. Retail I've done....I've worked every position in retail, from the stock person to the store manager. I've done my time on the sales floors and behind the cash registers. A back room position during the day during the week would be lovely, but I don't want to work out on the floor. I've burned out.
So I pulled up the website for the State University at Postdam and filled out an application. I've already got a couple years plus of college so I'd be starting as a junior. I would need two years to complete a Bachelor's Degree in Psychology. To earn my Master's and PhD I would have to look toward online classes because that just wasn't available locally. But as much as I loathed the idea of all of that, it still beat out flipping burgers or running a cash register. Plus, in about a half dozen years, I could work doing the job I was really born to do, making enough money that my husband could retire early if he wanted to, or cut his hours a bit. I filled out the financial aid paperwork, got everything all set to go, and then things changed.
Alcoa is not closing. Well, not this month, anyway. They are allegedly not going to close for about three more years. I don't personally trust them to hold to their end of the bargains that they've made, but either way, they aren't closing right now. So the job market is NOT going to be inundated with new people whose need would exceed my own, who would make each job infinitely more difficult to even get an interview for. Also, my husband has been given a new medication to help with his chronic pain problems. Having tried so many only to have them do nothing or next to it, it was a wonderful surprise when this new one actually worked! It's not a magic cure, it doesn't actually fix any of the physical problems that cause the pain, but it does eliminated much of the pain much of the time. So my self-imposed need to make it possible for him to have options has let up. Suddenly, the two main reasons why I was about to put myself back into college had evaporated.
I didn't change anything, immediately. I spent a couple of weeks just watching and waiting and seeing how things went. In the end, though, I called the college and had them withdraw my application. It's still on file for a year, and the school isn't going anywhere. I can go any time, I've already done the paperwork. ;) But I'm not going right now.
And there are a few jobs that have popped up at Clarkson that I have applied for and am crossing my fingers and hoping against hope to get interviews for. Thanks to a tip from Kendra at Frazer's where I managed to get an interview (only to fail the math portion of the requirements, but onward and upward) I recognized the need to explain in my cover letter why there appeared to be gaps in my employment. This had held me back previously at that location, so maybe it has done so at others. So I've amended my cover letters to explain that I was lucky enough to get to stay home with my son a lot during his childhood, but that now he's a young adult and if I don't get out of this house I'm going to go stark raving mad. Well, I don't phrase it quite like that, but I get that point across. ;) There is also a civil service test coming up that I'm sending in an application for on Friday for a Legal Secretary position. Being a secretary was actually one of the first jobs I ever wanted. It's why I went to a business school for my degree. It's not just within my skill set, it's in my nature to organize the chaos and juggle all the things that go on behind the scenes in any office o business. I'm damned good at it, too. So those are the kinds of positions I'm most heavily applying for. But I am staying the course, for now, with the job hunting and plugging away at things.
Hopefully, over the next few months, something gives and I start getting interviews. I look forward to having a steady paycheck and putting my mind to use learning something not domestic. After all, I've managed to reach Domestic Goddess level here at home....time to learn something new!

So, What Now?

2016-01-13T16:38:00.003-08:00

These dark corners in my mind are sometimes just dizzying!

So here's what's preying on my mind this week.
Based on various factors in my own little world, I made a decision a few weeks ago to return to college and pursue a higher degree with the intent to be able to attain a specific type of job by the time in 50.
In the grand scheme of things, on the ladder of things I want to do (or don't want, as the case may be) the very bottom rung of said ladder is working in retail. I don't ever really want to work in a retail setting again. The next rung at the bottom of that ladder is returning to school. I did not like school. I met wonderful people there, the degree I earned has helped me, but I hated it the entire time. I so very much disliked attending college that I was taking 24+ credit hours a quarter in order to graduate a quarter early and get out of there! All that while holding down a job, making a car payment, and staying on the Dean's List. So you can imagine that leaping back into that world is not really high on my list of things to do. In fact, it falls just above stepping back behind a cash register at my local Walmart, below which we fall off the ladder into the ninth circle of Hell.
One factor in my decision to return to school was the imminent closing of ALCOA. Since then, they have postponed that for a few years, if we are to believe them, but they will not be closing in the immediate future. This means that the already tight job market is not, after all, about to be flooded with spouses and older children of displaced employees looking to help support their households.
Another factor was a medical issue within the family that has since resolved itself in a satisfactory way and is no longer an issue.

So! I can withdraw my application to SUNY Potsdam for this semester and continue to job hunt, as I have been all last summer. I can even step it up a notch and expand to some other places that I wasn't really paying much attention to, previously. If things don't work out, it isn't as if the college won't still be there next fall.
Or! I can suck it up and go back to school.
I told Terry in the student transfer department today that I would make a decision by the end of this week and let them know on Friday.

I can tell you that I am reasonably sure what my decision is. I just don't want to jump too fast and end up wishing I hadn't. So this week I am chewing this over in my head....and over, and over, and over......not that I have a tendency to over think things, you understand......no...not me! lolol!

Blargle!!!

On The First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me......

2015-12-10T08:13:00.003-08:00

What a very odd holiday season it is so far this year. We had a little bit of snow in October, and then nothing. The temperatures have been in the 40's and 50's most of November and so far in December. I can't say that I mind it....it's making our heating bill absolutely a wonderful thing. It would normally be three to four times it's current size at this point in the winter.

I've been at loose ends for a while, now. When I stopped being a Day Care provider for the little guy I watched, because he got older and all that, I didn't really have anything to replace it with. Oh yes, I have hobbies but I really haven't been motivated to do anything like that. I haven't even felt much like reading, to be honest. And that's very odd, for me. I have been steadily putting out job applications and watching the local listings. What I want is a clerical type of position, Monday through Friday, banker's hours. What I'd most like, would be for that to happen at Clarkson University. It's really a very beautiful place to work, though I realize not everybody's experiences there are perfect. Nothing is perfect. I like the old buildings and the atmosphere. I want to wear nice clothes and talk to adults. It's also true that working there would provide my son with free tuition and that he would benefit very much from the courses that Clarkson offers. But I've been applying there for years, now, with only one interview. And man, I had that one in the BAG until a woman stepped in with my lifetime's worth of years of experience in that exact department. Nobody could have competed with that and truly, she got the job. And truly, she lasted less than one year. They refilled the position internally, after that. I've still been plugging away, applying to most anything that I'm qualified for. Some jobs sound more perfect than others, but always I just get the thanks but no thanks letter a month later. It does get very discouraging. I have such a unique level of experience in the things that most employers want, the people skills, the communication skills, the organization skills, the ability and willingness to learn and be challenged, and the fact that, at 42 years old, I'm looking for a job that will last me the rest of my working life. Want to fill a position and keep it filled? I'm who you hire. I've assumed, though, that I just don't look good enough on paper to get those interviews.

Well, until yesterday. At 2:30pm yesterday I looked over Clarkson's website and applied for two positions that were open that I am qualified for. While I was at it, I also applied for a customer service position at another local company who has said thanks but no thanks to me in the past but is once again hiring. Within hours, I was contacted by one of my references from the Clarkson applications who let me know they were checking my references. By 5:30 I heard from the local company who scheduled me for an interview this afternoon. Meanwhile, my financial aid package will arrive any day now from SUNY Potsdam college to enroll as a full time student this coming semester. We shall see how this all plays out. A bird in the hand and all, I will absolutely take a job before going back to college. The point of going back to school is to get a job. If I can get the job without the 4-6 years of additional schooling, then yay.

So then I've got two jobs potentially looking at me. Yikes! It's been a long time since I've been in this kind of situation. They have similar pay scales. They both would be interesting and challenging and fire up my mind. They are both good jobs in their own right. It may very well come down to first come, first served. I did take the time to send a follow up email to the department head of the Clarkson job letting him know that I am interested, that I am awesome, and that I am potentially disappearing. Hopefully, I hear back from them for an interview before too long. Meanwhile, I've got my clothes picked out for this afternoon's interview, my folder all set, and am just killing time, now.

If I'd known that heading back to school caused employers to come out of the woodwork, I'd have done this a long time ago.

Still....

2015-12-09T12:48:00.000-08:00

I am still applying for jobs. I have my acceptance letter on the freezer door because YAY! And any day now I expect to receive some paperwork from financial aid and then I can call them and get to work on the final details. But today I applied for three local jobs. Two of them are at Clarkson University....I would so dearly love to get a job there. The third was for a job that I applied for another time it popped up in the local paper. They haven't changed their ad, nor their website, and it kind of worries me that the position pops up occasionally. Is it a lousy place to work and they have bad turnover? Or is it that people get really good and move upward into other positions and this entry level type job opens when that happens? It's great hours and great pay, so if I were offered it, I'd take it. I would still take classes, if I managed to land a job before things got going. I kind of want to, now, despite my trepidation about it. And I'm slightly more than halfway to a Bachelor's already. It'd be a shame to waste that. But if I can double or more the household income, I'm sure as hell going to do that. A bird in the hand, and all.

And I'll be damned! One of my references just let me know that she's already been contacted! Wouldn't that just beat all, if I finally wrapped my head around going to school and THEN landed a job I want? lolz! Well, I'd take it. I'd damned sure take it....it would be a wonderful thing to finally land a M-F, 9-5 office job. I'd ROCK a job like that and they'd be so happy they'd hired me! I am exactly what they want, if they only stop long enough to see it. I am 42 years old, my son is 15 and no longer requires me around to feed him, or be with him when he's sick, etc. I own a home and am not leaving this area. My husband and I have strong ties to this community and have already rejected transferring out of the area when he worked at GM and it closed down. I am on top of my health and don't need time off for sniffles and things like that. Oh, and I can pass any and all drug tests at any time. I'm SMART, I'm great with computers, I'm a mad queen of details and organization, and I LOVE to be good at things. I like to be the BEST at things. I'm looking for a job I can retire from in 25-30 years, not a stepping stone to bigger and better things. And the place that finally gets that, is going to be glad they did.

So, cross your fingers for me! Not really sure for which, but just in general. What will be, will be.

When I Grow Up.....

2015-12-03T20:52:00.001-08:00

When I grow up I'd like to be a therapist. I'd like to, eventually, work in a nice office with a nice desk where I keep all my paperwork organized. I'd like to have some nice comfy chairs, an overstuffed couch, a bean bag, a coffee table with some adult style coloring books on it, some Van Gogh prints on the walls. When people put a gentle hand on a friends shoulder and say, "You really should talk to somebody," I want to be that somebody that they're going to come talk to. Whether they think they might have a mental illness, or they need help dealing with something that has happened to them or been done to them, or maybe they just can't believe that they deserve a happy life and need help getting there.....I want to be that person.

http://www.humanservicesedu.org/counselor-vs-psych-vs-therapist.html

It can be tricky when terms are sometimes interchangeable and sometimes not. Even trickier when outside of the profession, those terms become even more fluid.

http://www.psychiatry.org/residents-medical-students/medical-students/psychiatry-is-it-for-me?wptouch_preview_theme=enabled

I am not aiming to be a psychiatrist. Oh, I would, if I were ten years younger but at 42 I just really do NOT have the ambition. The ability is there, and I think I would find it fascinating to take the classes (I've always really loved biology) but it's just beyond what I want to do at this point in my life. I've only got an Associate's Degree as I being this journey, so I've got many years of school ahead of me no matter what I do. And MedTerm was aggravating enough 20 years ago. lolz!

http://careersinpsychology.org/new-york-social-work-licensing-process/

I am not aiming for employment in the field of social work. Now there are some people who work their collective ASSES off. And with the right degree in the right area of social work you can absolutely be a therapist. Most often, the help is not limited to talk therapy for these fine folks but also includes working with programs, departments, courts, et cetera, as in intermediary to help their clients out in the world. New York State does NOT make it an easy thing to do, being a social worker. Just reading the description of what necessary to become a therapist through this degree program makes me want to gouge out my eyes. Oh, and it takes at least a Master's plus so many clinical hours and supervision and a lot of the same hoops. And in the end, you work twice as hard for about half the pay and the field has a burnout rate akin to the retail career I fled years ago. My hat is off to the men and women in that field....it is a calling.

http://careersinpsychology.org/how-to-become-a-licensed-counselor-in-new-york/

http://careersinpsychology.org/how-to-become-a-psychologist-in-new-york/

http://www.counselor-license.com/articles/psychologist-vs-counselor.html#context/api/listings/prefilter

Well, when you look at choosing between a doctorate in counseling and a doctorate in clinical psychology, you're looking at the same number of years and the same level of work involved to get there. There's really a lot of overlap between the two, depending where you look. I'm aiming for the psychology doctorate. I like the versatility, I like the research aspect of it, it's much more in line with what I want for myself.

There are four colleges in my area. SUNY Canton, SUNY Potsdam, Clarkson University and St. Lawrence University. Now, the two universities have tuition fees that are higher for one year than the tax assessment on my home. I'd sure LOVE to attend either of them, but I'd also love to have Marilyn Monroe's figure and Harry Potter's wand. Canton offers a BS and Potsdam offers a BA. If I were stopping at Bachelor's level, I would definitely have to aim for Canton, but I will pursue a Master's then a Doctorate after that point. So I am hoping to go to Potsdam. I've sent them my application, my previous college transcripts, and have filled out my financial aid paperwork. I was hoping to hear back from them this week. Waiting always sucks. ;)

I haven't stopped watching the local job listings. I am still getting the occasional thanks but no thanks letters from jobs I've applied for. Kind of depressing, those letters. There are worse things, but still....

As I navigate all of this, doing this research on what's what, and trying to narrow down what I'd like to see myself doing a decade from now, I am stunned at how useless my high school guidance counselor was. I have no memory of that person outside of one maybe ten minute session that all kids had to be handed applications for college or some such thing. Nobody ever told me so much as what degrees were what, what took how long, where to go for various programs, or even helped me narrow down the vaguest idea of what I might want to aim for. I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, handed a form to fill out, then shoo'ed out of my seat as the next drone was called in. I had no older siblings, my parents didn't have higher education, a few distant family members went to college but I wasn't close to them, then, nor did I have the wisdom to even ask them about it at that point in time. Thankfully, I've been able to help my son a bit more than that. This experience will allow me to be much more help to him, when it's time for him to do this in a couple years.

Onward and upward.

99 Luftballoons

2015-11-16T10:54:00.002-08:00

Ninety-nine dreams I have had and every one a red balloon.

That's just what's playing right now, not anything of any great meaning. :) I suppose I could relate it to my life somehow, but mostly I just enjoy listening to older music while I clean or work around the house.

Today I am painting the bathroom. I hate painting. I really do hate paining. But it's one of those things that needs to be done every so often or your house just looks like shit. Over the end of summer I painted the dining room and the living room, minus the ceilings. I hate ceilings even more, so I keep putting them off. Today, I'm doing the bathroom. Yesterday, I cleaning all the walls and ceiling and prepped. So far I've got one coat on the ceiling and starting a primer coat on a section that was painted darker than the rest. I paint for a bit then stop because my arms get so tired and start to burn. I really have no upper body strength....all my power is in my legs. I'll get at least the entire room done with one coat, probably two on the ceiling, which should hopefully be enough to finish that. Luckily for me I have a teeeeeny tiny little bathroom!

Once it's all done I'll be pulling Christmas out of the attic and exploding it all over! Tree included. I bought my lights at Ollie's a few weeks ago. Twenty boxes of 100 multicolored twinkle lights. Oh yes, I like Christmas lights! Once that's all done, I've got presents to wrap for hubby's Brother and SIL who are coming this weekend to do our Holiday dinner gathering. We haven't actually seen them in over a year. It doesn't go that long, usually, but it's just been one of those years. It'll be really nice to see them.

Friday I was finally able to send in my SUNY college application for SUNY Potsdam. Wonder how long it takes to hear back from them? I'll need to get to a printer so I can print up some other forms I think I'll need to fill out, and call financial aid and get on top of that. Looks like I totally qualify. No surprise there! Chatted with the kiddo today about the various costs of tuition, tuition plus room/board, and so on. Hopefully, by the time he's headed to college in a couple years, there will be something better in place than the current financing system. In the meantime, we can both learn from me doing it.

GOD I hate painting.

If I weren't on a handful of ibuprofen I'd totally break open a bottle of wine to make it a bit less awful.

Oh, well. Onward and upward!

The World of Limited Choices

2015-11-03T16:57:00.002-08:00

I graduated high school in 1991. Due to circumstances beyond my control, and a lack of useful guidance from my high school, I was unable to attend college when I graduated. A year later I tried to go to a little local college and barely even passed. I was unfocused and at odds with myself, then, and had no real direction. I got a full time job and worked. Eventually, my mother started stuffing literature under my face from a local business college and a comparable one downstate called Bryant and Stratton Business Institute. It wasn't what I wanted, but I did it anyway. I met lifelong friends and had my share of fun. I was also miserable and unhappy with my classes, unimpressed with most of my teachers, and practically teaching one of the courses myself. I finished an 18 month A.O.S. program in 15 months while holding down a job and making Dean's List. Anything to get the F*** out of there! And once I got home again, it turns out that my degree was useless. I was worth less than the paper it was printed on. Medical Office Management.....yeah, the local doctors weren't even looking for a filing clerk and they didn't offer benefits or retirement or anything at all other than a dollar or two over the minimum wage and a decent shift. So I went back into retail and used the management aspect to have a 12 year career in retail management, culminating in running a RadioShack. Then I had a baby, and my marriage failed and I was a single mom, and life went right to shit. Working six day weeks, eight to twelve hours a day, an hours drive each way, really wasn't working for me. Right about then is when I met the man who is now my husband.

Over the years, I stopped working in retail and took on jobs with bankers hours. Eventually I worked at home, and eventually I was just a SAHM (stay-at-home-mom). At different times I've picked up part time jobs for extra cash, and provided day care for the children of my friends over the years. But all the children are growing up, now, and don't need a nanny anymore. The thought of going back into retail makes me weep. Over the last four years I have been steadily applying for positions at three of the four local colleges, focusing on one in particular with the idea that my son would not have to pay tuition if I worked there but also because I really like it there. It's a beautiful place full of old buildings and tall trees and people who seem genuinely happy to be there. In all that time, I've had one interview. I have a folder of depressing rejection letters. It's just not happening. I have the skills they need and want, and I have the ability to communicate that to them, but I'm not getting through.

Over the last three to four months, since the last of the children I watched has gone on to other places, I have been looking at all the job sites. I've been watching the regular listings, watching local papers where smaller business like to advertise so they don't get bombarded with applicants, and asking around. Basically, there are a lot of opportunities in retail, in food service, and in direct people care such as CNA jobs and the ARC centers. These all pay very low level wages for what is actually not easy work, despite the common stereotypes. The rest of the listings are for professional positions requiring specific degrees in specific fields, the majority of which are medical. None of which are Associate degrees, most of which aren't even Bachelor degrees. Hell, they aren't even Masters degrees. Most of them are PhDs. If you want a nice, quiet, peaceful place to live and raise a family, and you have a major degree that took you until you were nearly 30 to earn, this is a place to look at!!!

In 2008, the local General Motors Foundry, at which my husband worked, closed its doors. Thanks to my husband's foresight, it came as no real surprise to us and he collected two whole weeks of unemployment before starting a new career as a 911 Dispatcher for our county. A steady job, a good job, but a blow to him as he was used to making quite a bit more money....it was about a 65% pay cut. Imagine cutting your household income by 65% gross. Just think about that for a minute. It was brutal. It took years to get used to. Only now are we on an even keel;, only now, all these years later, are we able to pay all our bills when they're due (more or less), buy gas, get groceries, and still be able to get other things that we WANT.
Yesterday, the other local production company, the one that this town became what it is because of, ALCOA, announced that it's not only NOT updating one of the plants, but closing it and the other one, to boot. There will be 487 people out of work by the end of the first quarter of 2016. And from what I'm hearing they are not offering buy outs or transfers or early retirements. My heart goes out to my friends and neighbors who are ALL affected by this, either directly or indirectly. This is a major blow to our community.
What this means to me, personally, is that the local economy is going to tank for a few years, at least. It means that there will be nearly 500 people, over the course of the next year, also looking for "good" jobs, then eventually looking for ANY jobs. Many of them will either move out of the area entirely, or live on a combination of the shit jobs available and assistance, through no fault of their own, but because that's what they'll be left with. This means that my chances of getting a "good" job just evaporated, in part because my need is much, much lesser than that of many of the people who are about to be looking for the same positions. My family doesn't NEED to me work; their families will need them to work. And that's that.

I'm so tired of the rejection letters. And I'm tired of never even getting that far with half the places I've applied at. I'm tired of hanging out with my dogs and cats, to the point that I talk to them and not only do they seem to understand me, but I'm starting to understand them, too. And I'm tired of not being able to get out and do much of anything, because the little pittance I was earning has dried up and I can't replace it, not even with part time work. It's time to suck it up and do that thing that I've always swore I wasn't going to do, then thought, well, maybe I'll do it when I retire, then kept it in the back of my head that it's something I'm ALREADY DOING and just don't have the paperwork to prove I'm capable and should be paid for it. It's time to go back to school.

{insert dramatic music in minor key}

My best friend said how exciting it is. I'm trying to look at it from her point of view, because her optimism is a good thing. Mostly I feel nauseous, with a good dollop of trepidation thrown in. When I told my husband he was just blown away and took a full day to formulate the serious questions about finances, timing, and just WHY. All of which I explained and addressed, only to leave him still freaked out, but with an understanding of it. Greeaaaaat. My father nodded and listened. My mother told me it was about time, offered to help if and when I needed help, which I'm sure I will. My son, at 15 in 10th grade, was nonplussed and said he's really unaffected by it. I explained he'd have to do his own college the hard way like everybody else, and he laughed and said, okay. My online group is full of well wishes and assurances that I've got this, which they're right....I totally do. And I love having the cheering section. I'm going to really need it over the next decade!! lol!!!

The thing is, if I'm going to subject myself to school at 42 years old, then I'm not going it in half measures. I'm not going to go get another degree in a field I have no interest in to get a job I hate doing for the rest of my working years. Oh, HELL no. I'm going to be a therapist. I'm going to get a Bachelor's degree, then I'm going to follow that bad boy up with a Master's degree, and then I'm going to take a few more years and get a PhD because that's how we roll. Because if I'm doing this thing, then I'm doing what I want and I'm taking it all the freaking way, this time.

So today I called my high school guidance office and tomorrow they will send out my transcripts. I called BSBI and because I graduated SO long ago, I had to print off a specific for to send them to request transcripts, which I did today, also. While I wait for these bits of paper to arrive at their destination, I will fill out the online application for transfer students. Despite it being literally 20 years, I am actually considered a transfer student. I'm hopeful that that means something from my previous college will, indeed, count toward this go round and reduce my overall time. I also plan to knock off courses during the summers, when possible. Hubby's union, CSEA, has a handful of various grants available, and there are all sorts of programs out there. Hopefully, I'll be able to get everything covered and not have to take on more student loan debt....especially since I only just paid off the last ones. (Seriously, in May of 2015....)

It's possible that, due to various circumstances, I may have to wait a semester to start on campus classes, and may have to start with some online ones. There are things that I may need to get taken care of before I'm completely free to be a full time student. And if that's the case, so be it. But I'm doing this thing. The decision is made. Oh. My. GODS.

Where's my wine.....?

Rule Number One: The Doctor Lies

2015-07-21T10:04:00.002-07:00

Yeah, it's a vague Doctor Who reference that many readers aren't going to understand. The point, though, is that even the good guy lies, even the hero lies, even somebody we love, trust, and respect will lie. Everybody lies. Oh, now don't get your panties into a twist declaring that you're not a liar, that you are an honest person! You may be a very honest person, as people go, but you still tell lies. They may not be big lies, you may call them "White Lies", but that's a weak rationalization. A lie is any time that you don't tell the actual truth, no matter your intentions.

That outfit looks fine.
You don't look a day over 25.
We took Fido/Kitty to a farm.
Your art project looks wonderful.
That hair color looks totally natural.
Nobody will notice that zit.
I thought the speed limit was 55 mph through here.
No, I never tried pot.
I've never looked at porn.
I've never stolen anything.
I've never copied somebody's homework.
I've never cheated on a test.
I've never lied about my sources in the bibliography.
I've had many sexual conquests.
I'm practically a virgin.
No, I've never tried that.
Yes, I always wear my seatbelt.
Yes, I vacuumed under the couch.
The dog knocked it over and broke it.
I don't know how that happened.
I have no idea who ate the last cookie.
It's fine.
There's nothing to worry about.
I'm fine.

So how many of those sound familiar? Oh yeah.....and you can add to that list the lies you tell and the lies you have been told. Lies are just part of the fabric that holds society together. If we all went around telling the absolute truth every time we were ever asked something it would quickly descend into angry chaos. We have a variety of words for people who don't hold back and are completely honest, or try to be: blunt, harsh, rude, mean, asshole, and more. So let's not be holier-than-thou and pretend that lying is always a bad thing, that all lies are wrong. Who made up that rule, anyway? That all lies are bad and only total honesty is good? It's an impossible standard! All things in moderation, even honesty.

Confessions Of A Teenagers Mom

2015-07-20T13:14:00.001-07:00

Yes, I'm a mom. In the online world when a woman declares herself a mother it seems that the automatic assumption is that she has small children around. Somehow, once they no longer need 24/7 monitoring we are expected to disappear, go away, sit quietly in the back of the mommy rooms and keep to ourselves.
HA! No way! I didn't go through nearly 15 years of motherhood to have some newbie tell me I'm old news! So here are a few things that I, and some other mothers of teenagers, have learned.

1. They still need us.

Oh, yes. Just because they can cook on the stove, work the washing machine, and know how to fix my computer when it's just beyond my skill, doesn't mean I am obsolete. Yes, he knows not to wear a blue shirt with black jeans. Yes, he knows how to mow the lawn. Yes, I haven't been able to help him with his homework in about six years now. There are still new challenges happening in his life. There is romance, something that is definitely not inborn and must be taught. There is the temptation of alcohol and drugs, something that you can't ever stop talking honestly about. There is the ever looming choices of colleges and career paths. There is sex, something that oh yes, kids his age are already doing, and whatever you believe, it's his body and his choice and not something you get to to control, so you'd better learn to talk about it so you can help him where you can. There is drama, always. They need us now as much as they ever did.

2. There are no Rules.

I am raising a young adult. My job is to help him to grow into a good and reasonably happy person. Of course we all set boundaries and with each age there are certain lines that cannot be crossed. Just like I wouldn't let him play GTA when he was seven years old, I will also not let him go to an unsupervised party at 15. There are absolutely boundaries, but I've found that laying down absolute rules is a level of rigidity that doesn't work well when dealing with teens. Now, it may work well for some parents, but I've also seen many teens rebel all the harder for being ruled with an iron fist at home. When we've come up against a boundary that my teen feels shouldn't apply to him anymore, we discuss it. He gets to state his reasons, and he has to listen to my reasons, and sometimes he gets to win the debate and stretch the boundaries. Which leads into...

3. You have to let them Win some.

Yes, you are the parent. Yes, you are older, wiser, you brought that *ahem* young person into this world, and yes it's your house, your rules (see above). However, repression and oppression are really poor ways to raise a human being and nurture their spirit, and help them grow into a complete adult type person. Growth requires change and you really need to allow yourself to be open to those changes. Never allowing your child to win an argument or a debate doesn't make you strong, it makes them resentful. If they're being bratty and childish then no, they lose no matter what the argument is, but if they discuss their objection like an adult and it's reasonable, you may want to consider letting them have a win.

4. No, I really do not miss the younger years.

Oh, I see your precious little person there, and oh yes, she's adorable. Yes, that new baby smell is just amazing. All those firsts you have in front of you are wonderful! Yes, one is a wonderful age, as is four, as is eight, and so on. They're ALL wonderful ages. But I've changed my share of diapers, I've scrubbed my share of rugs and furniture, I've done those years when you need five sets of bedding to avoid doing laundry every single stinking day. Oh yes, all those wonderful moments are worth every bit of the aggravation, but been there, done that, tyvm. I enjoyed those younger years when they were in front of me, and now I'll enjoy these teen years. Next I'll enjoy the young adult years. No, I don't miss any of it. I'm looking forward, not back.

5. I LOVE the freedom!

You know how hard it is to find a reliable babysitter? I do. I remember. I remember having to schedule my life around naps and meals. I remember parking by cart carousels no matter how far away they were from the store so that I could put my son in his car seat AND return the cart without having to carry him through the parking lot or leave him unattended in a car. I remember only eating out at family type eateries and only when the child was in the right mood. I remember choosing to leave businesses when my child couldn't hold it together anymore. I remember years of visits with friends that always included children. I remember being chained to nursery school drop off and pick up times, to play date schedules, to school schedules, to extra curricular schedules, because I had to attend, I had to assist, I had to do my part, and I had to be the taxi for it all. I remember when a sick day meant either my own day was cancelled or trying to find one of those sitters who will take a sick child (HA HA!!). I remember taking a small human with me every. where. I. went. for about a dozen years. Including bathrooms. I remember play dates and sleepovers where I had to be present, awake, and aware at all times for supervision. I remember countless mornings being the alarm clock, the breakfast chef, and watching for the bus. I remember my son being intertwined in every aspect of my life, every decision, every move, every plan. Oh, I still play taxi, and I still supervise, I still take care of him when he's sick, but I no longer have to be a continual hovering (dare I say, helicoptering) presence in his moment to moment life. I am free!

6. The conversation is much better.

As fascinating as it is to talk to a young child and even to teach them and show them new things and hear their wonder, their questions, their amazement as their little brains absorb the new material....it's equally as frustrating as you spend the next 2741 conversations rehashing all that same information over and over. And over. And over. And many thanks to Google and Wikipedia for helping us all out with the thousands of follow up questions inspired by our moment of insanity, er, I mean education. There are equally awkward conversations in the tween years as you learn how to answer honestly, but in some age appropriate ways, about the big questions. As you white knuckle the steering wheel as you appear to casually discuss sexual intercourse. As you tap dance around your own college years as you discuss the evils of drug use and alcohol abuse. Awkward hardly covers it. Beyond all that, though, is an entirely new realm of conversation. What you have is a young adult who is seeing many things in the world for the first time, or noticing things for the first time, and he has opinions, and questions, and can talk, really Talk, about thoughts and feelings. Things like presidential elections, gun laws, abortion rights, floods in Haiti, drought in California, war in Iraq, genocide in Rwanda. You get to see a young mind interpret all the input on things and watch opinions form and discuss, as adults, all sorts of topics. It's got the "Where are Max and Ruby's parents?" convo beats hands down.

7. Helping is actually helpful.

We all know those dreaded words, "Mommy, can I help?" This one's a no-brainer. When they reach a certain age they are actually capable of helping. They aren't as happy about it, granted, but they're much better at it.

8. They can teach us.

If you think that your child has nothing to teach you, more power to you. This afternoon mine explained what Reddit is to me. Yeah....I Googled it, but it made a lot more sense when he explained it.

9. Film/Picture Processing

Well, I was going to talk about the sheer dollar amount that I save in printing pictures, but then I realized that those savings are eaten up by the locust that is a teenager when he hits the kitchen. So never mind.

10. Selfish Pursuits

When you've got a smaller child around you don't get to have things like hobbies, spa days, or time to yourself. Oh, you can try....but it becomes actual work as you either go through the babysitter seek-and-find trying to get just a few hours to yourself, for which you may then feel guilty, or you bring your child with you. Taking your child with you while you try to have your own fun is some kind of oxymoron....it ain't gonna happen. It's like those Give A Mouse A Cookie books and it just spirals into you supervising your child as they play at your hobby and you look longingly on. Now, once you've got a teenager on your hands they either have zero interest in being around you so you're free to do your own thing, or if they DO want to hang with you for a bit, they are fully capable of doing things on their own. Whether it's photography, scrapbooking, fishing, gardening, hiking, origami, etc., they don't need you to hold their hand anymore. Now, some moms may find that thought somewhat disturbing, the idea that their baby doesn't NEED them anymore, but see #1 above and chill. And enjoy a glass of wine while you read a book, because you can do that now!

Florida Tollbooth Company Made Out As Bad Guy on Social Media

2015-07-20T08:09:00.003-07:00

So in recent news, a Florida tollbooth company has been dragged through social media as the bad guy when they did everything they reasonably could to keep a senior worker employed despite his failing skills at his job.

The Gasparilla Island Bridge Authority recently had to terminate 77-year old Vladislav 'Sam' Samsonov of Boca Grande from his position as a full time worker at the Boca Grande Causeway. Mr. Samsonov, who worked the job for 29 years, had mistakenly undercharged a vehicle and to compensate he put the balance of the fees into the till out of his own pocket. This was not the first time that this had occurred and he had been warned more than once by his superiors about his actions. When the same mistake occurred this time, having not heeded the prior multiple warnings, his employers did not outright terminate him but offered him instead a reduced schedule. Mr. Samsonov declined the opportunity to keep his job at the reduced hours and the company was forced to terminate him.

The story was shared from the point of view of Mr. Samsonov being a victim on social media and has now spread across the internet. People in the Gasparilla Island area are sad to see a longtime fixture removed and rather than really look at the reasons why, they assume that the point of view put forth in online media is the only one. There have been threats and vulgar displays as well as outrage and support. The Bridge Authority is completely unable to comment in any way due to national privacy laws and are completely at the mercy of whatever supporters of Mr. Samsonov wish to claim about them to the internet world. They aren't able to defend themselves by explaining that the employee was making regular mistakes, that he was trying to cover up his mistakes, that he had been warned more than once about accuracy on the job, and that he was offered a solution that would have allowed him to keep his job but he declined.

There's nothing quite like being judged and found guilty in the court of internet social media when you can't even defend yourself against the mistaken assumptions.