Ramblings of a 20 something Single Girl

2010-01-28T23:52:00.003+00:00

I received one of the most beautiful and yet most heartbreaking emails the other day and now I don't know what to do.

All I know is I can't keep crying about it :(

What Smoking Costs (costed) me...

2010-01-05T01:40:00.001+00:00

So I've been looking on the smokefree website and it's telling me that when I used to smoke 20 a day how much it cost me for a period of time, I rounded a packet of cigarettes to £5 as there were so many variations on prices in shops:-

- Each YEAR, Smoking costs you £1825.00 with that money you could buy 6 weekend health spa breaks for 2

- Each MONTH, Smoking costs you £152.08 with that money you could buy 3 gym memberships (I now have no excuse to not go to the gym!!)

- Each YEAR, Smoking costs you £1825.00 with that money you could buy 36 DVD box sets of popular shows

- Each WEEK, Smoking costs you £35.10 with that money you could buy 5 trips to the cinema

- Each MONTH, Smoking costs you £152.08 with that money you could buy designer sunglasses (So have to buy a pair of Ray Bans when I get a new job :D)

- Each YEAR, Smoking costs you £1825.00 with that money you could buy 1 week caribbean cruise for 2 (which lucky person shall I take with me?)

- Each YEAR, Smoking costs you £1825.00 with that money you could buy 18 new mobile phones (or 3 and a bit iPhones)

- Each MONTH, Smoking costs you £152.08 with that money you could buy 2 tickets to premier league football matches

- Each MONTH, Smoking costs you £152.08 with that money you could buy 3 sunless tanning sessions (woohoo, no longer will I be so white I'll make your eyes bleed!!!)

- Each YEAR, Smoking costs you £1825.00 with that money you could buy 5 meals at a celebrity chef's restaurant for 4

- Each YEAR, Smoking costs you £1825.00 with that money you could buy 18 family day trips to children's theme park

- Each YEAR, Smoking costs you £1825.00 with that money you could buy 12 mp3 players (why anyone would want 12 is beyond me...)

- Each YEAR, Smoking costs you £1825.00 with that money you could buy 6 weekends in Paris (I love, love, LOVE Paris too...hmmmm)

- Each YEAR, Smoking costs you £1825.00 with that money you could buy 30 tickets to premier league football matches (or about 6 Rhinos season tickets)

- Each YEAR, Smoking costs you £1825.00 with that money you could buy 9 nights out for 2 including meal and hotel

- Each YEAR, Smoking costs you £1825.00 with that money you could buy 3 satellite TV year subscriptions

Ok...so that's enough but it's amazing...and I'm contemplating Paris now haha!! Just need to find a new job first :D

Something I've noticed is I have more time...any smoker will tell you it's a case of "I'll just have a cig then do x, y or z" but I don't have that now...it doesn't take me as long to get ready to go out.

Once it's out of my system I'll be fine and in the mean time I've found 2 very good mp3's from the smokefree website to help me relax and I've got a quitkit on it's way to me.

(Originally posted on Facebook by yours truly)

xxx

Faking it...

2009-11-17T02:10:00.001+00:00

I've become a Grand Master (should that be Mistress?) at Faking It.

Now, I'm not talking about sex. I'm talking about faking my way through this world with a smile on my face when sometimes I could just sit and weep.

I think I'm pretty good at it now. I think there are very few people who can see through the mask and see the real me. The scared girl. The girl who is self concious, geeky, awkward and shy. The girl who can't give any more, I'm too mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted. The girl who tries to reach out to someone because underneath all the flirting and innuendo she genuinely does care and ultimately gets ignored.

I sit here and I try to figure out who the real me is and I honestly don't know any more. I seem to have acquired labels along the way and none of them truly fit.

I try to be open and honest with my friends but its so hard when some days I can't be roused out of feeling low. It's easier to wear a mask then it is to tell people how I really feel. It's easier to build a wall around myself and only let certain parts out.

Maybe being unemployed has the serious disadvantage of me having far too much time on my hands to think about these things. Maybe I just needed to get this all on screen and out of my system. I don't know anymore. I often find myself tiptoeing around my own head so I don't set off any alarm bells (great...now I sound mental). My mind seems to over analyse every single detail and once it starts I find it so hard to stop the snowball effect.

I do fear I've faked it for so long the real me has disappeared. At this point in time all I do know is I can't knock down this wall on my own.

Thoughts in my head right now...

2009-11-15T02:44:00.000+00:00

- I hate being unemployed

- I don't want triple swabs...again.

- Some people are so bloody rude

- Who's been reading my blog?

- That snickers advert is so stupid...

- The band who were playing before the rugby were pretty amazing!!

- I really need to stop smoking

- Shit! I forgot to take my pill :s

- I NEED to sort my insurance out tomorrow

- Who knew I could have so many thoughts?

- I HAVE to ring the doctors on Monday first thing and sort this bloody referral out

- Do I really want to stay in Payroll?

- *shivers*

- I should probably go to bed...

- My throat is really sore...this is what I get for shouting at the rugby

- Ohhhhhhhhh Viennaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!

My baby :D

2009-11-10T00:20:00.000+00:00

I'm officially in love!!!

2009-11-08T23:33:00.000+00:00

You do realise your continued silence actually cuts pretty deep?

Who knew I cared so much...I didn't until I realised how much your silence hurt.

Sorry to anyone reading, I'm just thinking on my blog...well...you know what I mean!

Coming to some conclusions...

2009-11-08T02:03:00.000+00:00

Based on the past 24 hours of my life, I can conclude:

- Guys you think are mates and know you're not easy are total arseholes...Cheers for the pervy texts!

- Guys you very rarely speak to only text when they want a shag (see my phishing texts blog here: http://ramblingsofa20somethingsinglegirl.blogspot.com/2009/02/grrr.html)

- And the guys you think are great generally turn out to be arses.

So to quote Bonnie Tyler, where have all the good men gone?!

Ode to Endo Sisters

2009-11-08T01:50:00.000+00:00

Endometriosis, the cruellest of cruel
I wish I had known back when I was in school
How life would be when I became a teen
I wish I’d known that life could be so mean
There’s no way to prepare for the endless pain
No way of knowing if you’ll ever be the same
Hours of torture, lasting days, even weeks
Getting by on morphine, drugged up so to speak
Cancelling socials, losing friends you once had
Oh why wasn’t I prepared that things would be so bad
Constantly battling to prove it’s not in your head
Constantly aching to jump freely out of bed
A longing to be heard, or that someone will hear
Then another “Oh it’s normal”, then come the tears
A long, lonely road of despair may follow
Faced along the way with sadness and sorrow
Never knowing what tomorrow will bring
But at least you can always be sure of one thing
Your endo sisters will always be there
Always showing they understand and care
Never to put you down or even forget you
And always to know that they’ve been there too
So had I known then, what I know now
I don’t think I’d have my wonderful sisters, and I don’t know how
I would have faced more surgery, and got through the days
Or have the strength to fight, or know the ways
See with endometriosis, it’s a chronic condition
But one thing’s for sure; it won’t stop my ambition
I thank you all for helping me through
And please please know - I’ll always be here for you.

This was originally posted by one of my very dear friends here: http://lizdiamond81.blogspot.com/2009/01/ode-to-endo-sisters-endometriosis.html

After the week I've had it's made me realise that no matter what or how long it's been since we've spoken the girls on the endo forum will always rally round with helpful advice.

Love to them all xxx

Thinking...

2009-11-05T01:03:00.001+00:00

It's been another weird day today.

I heard an RTA....or rather the "thud" of a pedestrian getting knocked over, it was pretty scary stuff. Especially seeing an almost lifeless body lying in the middle of the road. Fortunately the woman is in a stable condition and will hopefully be ok.

It got me thinking to be honest. Do the people I care about and call friends know how I feel about them? How hard is it to tell our friends we love them. You never know what's coming around the corner. I try and tell my friends I love them, even if it's once a month.

The place where it gets complicated is if there's someone you're attracted to. Do you take the chance and blurt out how you feel about them? Do you keep it to yourself because you fear the rejection?

I'm not asking these questions with the hope of any answer, I know it's an individual thing. It's just something I've been thinking about lately.

In the meantime I'm gonna try and get rid of the "thud" that's still echoing around my head and the image I get every time I close my eyes.

To my friends, I love you all so much. You're the ones that lift me up when I'm down, make me laugh when all I want to do is cry. Some of you don't realise just how some silly little thing you say or do can totally change my mood and I can honestly say that I'd be lost without some of you xx

A really odd night out...

2009-10-31T03:09:00.000+00:00

I was out in Chapel Allerton with Kay and the boys earlier and had such a bizarre experience.

We were sat around with a few cheeky cocktails having a goss, when out of the corner of my eye I spot someone who looked far too much like my ex to not be him. I then spent the next 10 minutes totally oblivious to the conversation while I looked for this look-a-like.

I finally spotted him sat outside the bar, smoking...and heaved a HUGE sigh of relief...it wasn't him. I couldn't handle seeing him again, last time we bumped into each other we ended up doing something pretty stupid.

He'd text me a few weeks ago and I'd deleted his number so after finding out who it was I ignored his messages.

My mate Em is trying to make it her mission in life to get us back together but I don't want that. He lacks passion and to be honest, he bores me. He might have been a great guy to date a few years ago but I'm just not into him at all now.

2009-10-27T03:52:00.000+00:00

Wondering who's been reading my blog...just noticed the reader counter has shot up in a very small amount of time...*waves to mysterious readers* Hey!!

I really shouldn't be blogging so late at night (ok, early in the morning) I'll probably just make myself cry again, lol!

Plus I can't make any sense of what's going on in my head so there's no point attempting to blog it.

xx

10 reasons why I hate spam email or 1 reason I secretly am grateful for it

2009-10-24T04:31:00.000+01:00

I don't know how to write this without sounding like a total sap.

I checked my email and realised that my account had been spam attacked and was spewing the stuff to every contact in my address book. So I go through and start deleting all the emails until I came across one from my mum who I hadn't spoken to for over a month.

I guess the reason why I'm grateful is that after that awful argument this one stupid email has enabled us to communicate.

There's been things that have happened lately that I wanted to talk to my mum about. I may be 23 years old but I still rely on my parents a lot since they're the only people who truly know me and it's killed me not talking to her. You know for all the times I say my mum's not there for me, she was the one who sat up with me on the phone until silly o clock in the morning when I'd rung up in floods of tears because I'd just found out about the endo and I was terrified I wouldn't be able to have kids. I'm still terrified now but not to the extent I was back then.

I don't know if things will ever be the same again between us but it's nice to know she's there.

Rugby Fun

2009-09-20T23:24:00.001+01:00

I have nothing that interesting to say at the moment so instead, here's a pic of me all psyched up to cheer on my boys at Headingly on Friday night. An average game really, both teams could have performed so much better but we got the result we wanted. Many best wishes and a speedy recovery to Chev Walker (ex leeds rhinos player, now plays for Hull KR) who was out of the match within the first 15 minutes with a fractured shin. THERE'S ONLY ONE CHEV WALKER!!!!

Just doing the vain girl thing...I hadn't really noticed until now how tired I look :s and I look slightly better in that pic since I have the war paint on.

The definition of a Luddite

2009-09-13T23:37:00.000+01:00

I googled the term luddite for a friend as she didn't know what it meant and found out it's origins. I never knew it dated back to the 1800's.

Luddite

1. A Luddite is a person who dislikes technology, especially technological devices that threaten existing jobs or interfere with personal privacy.
2. A Luddite is someone who is incompetent when using new technology.
The word Luddite has an interesting origin in pop culture of the early 1800's. Legend has it that a young man name Ned Ludd broke an expensive knitting machine in Nottingham, England. Because Ned was considered to be "feeble-minded" by his boss, he wasn't held financially responsible for the broken equipment. Afterwards, when factory equipment broke, the damage was always blamed on Ned Ludd.
During the Industrial Revolution, when factory workers organized to express their dissatisfaction with work conditions, the legend of Ned Ludd was politicized. One well-known method of protest was for workers to dress up in disguise and visit a factory owner late at night. The workers, claiming they had been sent by General Ned Ludd, demanded changes in the workplace. The invocation of Ned Ludd's name made it clear to the factory owner that if the demands weren't met, the owner's expensive machinery would be destroyed. The Luddites enjoyed a kind of Robin Hood reputation and the movement was generally supported by the public until a protest at a Lancashire mill went terribly wrong and several people were killed.

Copyright to http://whatis.techtarget.com/definition/0,,sid9_gci883880,00.html

Company mag article

2009-09-12T22:02:00.000+01:00

As I blogged last month, myself and some friends were going to be in company magazine and now I'm using my laptop again (albeit very, very briefly) I thought it was time I uploaded the article.

I still fill up now reading it. I honestly would be lost without all of the sewer kittens. I had a discussion with a friend a few days back and I did forget how different the endo bond is in comparison to the friendships I've formed on another forum.

The sewer kittens will always be intricately linked because the endo affects us in a much, much different way. I can be brutally honest with those girls but I edit the truth a bit with the majority of my other friends. By that I mean I edit out a lot of the gory details. Hmmm, I try not to ponder on it all too much. As I said in my grievance meeting it is not good for my mental state to dwell on what could go wrong because it just upsets me.

I did the first half of my pass plus today. It was AMAZING!! Apart from the running through a red light and going at 85mph on the motorway that is. Next part is booked for next Saturday. Think we're covering Roundabouts (they still scare the shit out of me), rural roads, some more city driving and some more motorway driving.

Got a lot of stuff to do this week like writing my resignation letter, going to the bank, trying not to drool over my car too much, seeing my friend Rach and god knows what else will crop up.

xx

Random Video :P

2009-09-12T00:46:00.001+01:00

Poor abandoned blog :'(

2009-09-11T22:25:00.002+01:00

I can't believe I've abandoned my blog for almost a month!!

A hell of a lot has been going on though and it doesn't help that my laptop has been unusable since my last blog post either.

I really wish I had something exciting to report but I don't, oops!

The only real exciting news is I'll be getting my car in the next month depending on how long it takes for it to delivered and I'm doing the first half of my pass plus tomorrow so I'll be back behind the wheel.

It's officially heading towards winter now. The first game of the NFL season was on last night...bad times for me, good times for my dad!!

I've had a lot on my mind recently and things from last night have really added to them.

I could do without the emo bullshit, seriously! And there's other stuff I could do without but I'm not saying anything, here or anywhere else. I do wonder if this person realises the effects their words have had on someone whether they were serious or not. Did they not think about the consequences? Argh!! I'm gonna stop thinking about this all again because it really makes my head hurt.

Happy things - Leeds Rhinos look to be finishing this season top of the league and get the league leaders shield for this season, well done boys!!!

Please be warned that driving on the roads in Leeds between 2pm and 5pm tomorrow is a very, very bad idea, hehe!!

2009-08-16T21:47:00.000+01:00

I'm a ray of fucking sunshine at the moment...no really!!! I'm wondering which lovely person is gonna come along and make my weekend worse.

You know when you say you're stressed out although you're never quite there. You never manage to hit the point where you can't breath, your heart is gonna beat its way out of your chest and you have tears pouring down your face. Well I've hit that point.

Yeah, I know...sounds like I'm been dramatic but I have genuinely reached that point of no return. I'm barely sleeping, panicky, emotional and on a train heading for stress city.

I'm lying to my friends. The usual, yeah course I'm fine, nothing can knock me down but this has. Not only have I had a blow to my career, I feel like they've punched a great big whole through who I am and I really don't know if I can put myself back together again.

I've been made to feel that getting my head down and doing my job is the wrong thing to do. I ended up sobbing my heart out on my best friends shoulder on friday night because of them. They've made me feel every bugger in the office has been talking about me behind my back.

They've made me feel the endo is all my own fault and it's all in my head. I don't spend roughly two days a month barely able to walk, carry stuff or spaced out on painkillers to the extent I can't concentrate and making a cup of tea is one of the hardest tasks in the world.

No...it's all made up and it's all bullshit. I don't have a letter from my consultant after first lap detailing the extensive endo they found. I don't have to fill my body with artificial hormones for 21 days at a time to try and slow the disease that could ultimately stop me from conceiving.

So here I am, unemployed unofficially, stressed out and treated like shit. Yeah I must have pissed someone off...

A Song for the Lovers

2009-07-18T09:22:00.002+01:00

Train Travel part II

2009-07-18T09:20:00.000+01:00

Why do I only ever blog when I’m on a train?!
It seems to be a new hobby or something. This time I’m on a train heading to London so I have free Wi-Fi AND crap coffee...EPIC WIN!!

I have some news in a fashion. I’m going to be in Company magazine. Nothing major, they were looking for a group of women who have met on a health forum and become close friends because of it. My lovely mate Sades nominated us and the other dirty sewer kittens for the article. She’s done most of the work on it but the article is going to have a couple of lines from Lara, Cat and myself along with pictures which is pretty cool! The issue is out on 15th August so check it out ;)

I’m going to be doing another music post shortly; I’m in love with A Song for the Lovers by Richard Ashcroft. Hearing it takes me back to 2001 when life was simpler. I was still in high school which is kinda scary! In fact I’m listening to it now and resisting the urge to sing along.

I’m currently looking for a new job. I really don’t like where I’m working. I have issues with their working practices and yet when I make a suggestion, I get ignored because what would I know?! I’ve never worked in payroll before (please insert OBVIOUS sarcasm here)

At the end of the day I’m a firm believer of the saying I work to live, I don’t live to work and while I’m looking for something new I’m getting paid which means I’m able to gallivanting off all over the country . In fact, since I started there I’ve been away at least once every month.

I suppose I should sign off here and chat to Kay who’s just popped up on my msn. Will shortly blog A Song for the Lovers.

xx

Train Travel

2009-06-27T09:54:00.001+01:00

I’m on a train, somewhere just on the border of Yorkshire I think. At this point in the journey I was hoping to be marvelling at being able to connect to the internet on a train...so far I’ve managed to connect for 5 minutes, if that and I was on the phone to my friend when it had finally connected.

In spite of this, I love train travel. I love the cheap and nasty tasting coffee which is hideously overpriced. I love the occasional nausea when you look out of the window at the wrong moment and can see nothing but a blur of green as you go past trees. (Note to self...Don’t drink the cheap, nasty, overpriced coffee before looking out of the window....ugh!) I love the faulty doors that open and try to close incessantly. I love the delays, never knowing if you’ll be on time for your connecting train. I may have listed quite a few negative things here but they all add to the charm of train travel.

I seem to have spent a lot of time and money on trains recently. It’s hard to believe that just over a week ago I was on a train to London, enjoying the free Wi-Fi and not shivering because the air con was going at full blast.

And now the reason why I’m on a train heading to Plymouth...well that’s the final destination, I’ll be getting off at Birmingham New Street. It’s my adopted little sister’s birthday today so unbeknownst to her, I’ve organised a few people to come down and surprise her for her birthday.

I can’t believe I’ve left this blog abandoned for so long. I can honestly say I haven’t had the time to post but then I sit here and start to wonder what exactly it is I’ve been doing in all these months... I seem to have got caught up in the viscious circle of work, eat, sleep on an evening and then trying to cram as much of my social life as possible into the weekends. The thing I can’t quite grasp is I’ve been online most evenings before I head to bed as it’s the only way of keeping in touch with some people so why haven’t I updated my blog? Things have happened, it’s not like I’ve done nothing.

We’re somewhere in Derbyshire now.

I love people watching on a train, you all know what I mean, don’t deny you don’t do it. You see a guy with a wedding ring on and his blonde companion...makes you wonder what’s going on.

I think I’ll get back to my people watching now and will update on the wedding ring guy and blondie’s situation if I find out anything ;)
xx

Gah!

2009-04-22T23:13:00.001+01:00

Too busy to blog with new job and too pissed off right now to make any sense!!

Seriously, is 'please leave me alone' too fucking difficult to grasp?!

Hmph!
xx

Defying Gravity

2009-03-16T02:35:00.002+00:00

KERRY ELLIS DEFYING GRAVITY LYRICS

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by
The rules of someone else's game
Too late for second guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap

It's time to try defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity
And you can't bring me down
Mmm-mmm

I'm through accepting limits
Cos someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But til I try I'll never know
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well if that's love it comes at
Much too high a cost

I'd sooner buy defying gravity
I'm way up high, I'm defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity
And you won't bring me down

Unlimited
My future is unlimited
And I just had a vision
Almost like a prophecy
I know
It sounds truly crazy
And, true, the vision's hazy
But I can see it
I can feel it
I swear I'll be so high
yeah yeah

So if you care to find me
Look to the western sky
As someone told me lately
Everyone deserves a chance to fly
And if I'm flying solo
At least I'm flying free
To those who ground me
Take a message back from me
ah yeah

It's time to try defying gravity
I'm way up high, I'm defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity
And you won't bring me
You won't bring me down
aaah
ah-ah-ah-ahhh

Produced by possibly THE best guitairst - Brian May

Some good news :D

2009-03-13T01:02:00.003+00:00

My dad had his scan today, from what they could see it's pretty certain there aren't any tumours which is a massive relief!! There was some free fluid found and there looks to be a problem with some of the veins in there so we'll have to wait and see what the consultant says on 21st April (my poor daddy having to go to hospital on his burpday!). In the mean time he looks pretty certain to be given the all clear in April and then have to have treatment for whatever the problem is...I think it's an infection but I'm not medically trained so it's just speculation.

In other news, I had the second interview and I should know tomorrow (in fact, later today) if I've got an offer of a job! From what they said to me it seems pretty likely. Please keep everything crossed though (for anyone who's out there and can cope with my ramblings, hehe)

xxx

?

2009-03-10T03:15:00.004+00:00

Will you raise me up, will you help me down?
Will you get me right out of this godforsaken town?
Will you make it all a little less cold?
Will you hold me sacred? Will you hold me tight?
Can you colorize my life, I'm so sick of black and white?
Can you make it all a little less old?
Will you make me some magic, with your own two hands?
Can you build an emerald city with these grains of sand?
Can you give me something I can take home?
Will you cater to every fantasy I got?
Will you hose me down with holy water, if I get too hot?
Will you take me places I've never known?
After a while you'll forget everything
It was a brief interlude and a midsummer night's fling
And you'll see that it's time to move on
I know the territory, I've been around
It'll all turn to dust and we'll all fall down
And sooner or later, you'll be screwing around

(these obviously belong to Meatloaf, not my words - they just seem appropriate at the moment)
xx