Ramblings of a Pheasant Plucker

TWO TOUGH QUESTIONS

noreply@blogger.com (TonyKRO) — Tue, 11 Feb 2025 14:52:00 +0000

Question 1:

If you knew a woman who was pregnant,

Who had 8 kids already,

Three who were deaf,

Two who were blind,

One mentally retarded,

And she had syphilis,

Would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Read the next question before looking at the response for this one

QUESTION 2 :

It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts.

Here are the facts about the three candidates.

Candidate A:

Associates with crooked politicians,

and consults with astrologists,

He's had two mistresses,

He also chain smokes

And drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B:

He was kicked out of office twice,

Sleeps until noon,

Used opium in college,

And drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C:

He is a decorated war hero.

He's a vegetarian,

Doesn't smoke,

Drinks an occasional beer,

And never committed adultery.

Which of these candidates would be your choice?

Decide first .. No peeking, and then scroll down for the response.

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.

Candidate B is Winston Churchill.

Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question:

If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven.

Back Again

noreply@blogger.com (TonyKRO) — Wed, 29 Jan 2025 14:35:00 +0000

It's been a while since I last posted here, but with the rise in wokeism countered by the new Trump presidensy in the US, I thought I would try and start posting regularly again.

Insults with Class

noreply@blogger.com (TonyKRO) — Sun, 23 Jun 2024 13:09:00 +0000

These insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words. Insults then, had some class!

1. "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play;
Bring a friend, if you have one."
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.

"Cannot possibly attend first night, I will attend the second...If there is one."
- Winston Churchill, in response.

2. A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows, or of some unspeakable disease."
· "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

3. "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

4. "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow

5. "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

6."Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas

7. "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
- Mark Twain

8. "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.."
- Oscar Wilde

9. "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop

10."He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
- John Bright

11. "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
- Irvin S. Cobb

12. "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson

13. "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
- Paul Keating

14. "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
- Charles, Count Talleyrand

15. "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
- Forrest Tucker

16. "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
- Mark Twain

17. "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
- Mae West

18. "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde

19. "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... For support rather than illumination."
- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

20. "He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
- Billy Wilder

21. "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx.

22."He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill

A Few Smiles

noreply@blogger.com (TonyKRO) — Sun, 14 Apr 2024 09:46:00 +0000

The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.

Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision.

When I get a headache I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.

Just once, I want the prompt for username and password to say, “Close enough.”

Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done

If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I’m self-employed We’re having a meeting

“Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo."

Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags, or is it just me?

I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy is asleep. He’s 5 and it’s past his bedtime.

Today’s 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.

Tip for a successful marriage: Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she’s mowing the lawn.

So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?

Old age is coming at a really bad time.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Now, I'm wondering . . . did I send this to you, did you send it to me or have I only sent it to myself.

You don't need anger management. You need people to stop irritating you.

Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.

"On time" is, when you get there.

Even duct tape can't fix stupid – but it sure does muffle the sound

It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free...and three sizes smaller.

Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.

"One for the road" means peeing before you leave the house.

Clarkson's Farm

noreply@blogger.com (TonyKRO) — Mon, 26 Feb 2024 15:34:00 +0000

A week last Monday (19th), I visited Birmingham Symphony Hall to see Kaleb, from Clarkson's Farm, give a very interesting and entertaining talk.

He proved to be very entrepreneurial in his youth, and has built up a very successful Farm Contract business.

You can still see the first two series of Clarkson's Farm on Amazon and the third is being released soon.

noreply@blogger.com (TonyKRO) — Sun, 25 Feb 2024 14:47:00 +0000

Its some time since I last posted on here and I think its about time I started again, so hopefully I will now be posting more regularly - but who knows!

I like to start off with this great quote from the fantastic George Best:-

Truer Words Were Never Spoken

noreply@blogger.com (TonyKRO) — Fri, 02 Sep 2022 14:30:00 +0000

We hang petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.

Aesop, Greek slave & fable author

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.

Plato, ancient Greek Philosopher

Politicians are the same all over: they promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.

Nikita Khrushchev, Russian Soviet politician

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.

Quoted in 'Clarence Darrow for the Defense' by Irving Stone.

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.

John Quinton, American actor/writer

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.

Oscar Ameringer, "the Mark Twain of American Socialism."

I offered my opponents a deal: "if they stop telling lies about me, I will stop telling the truth about them".

Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952.

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.

Texas Guinan, 19th century American businessman

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.

Charles de Gaulle, French general & president

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.

Doug Larson, English middle-distance runner who won gold medals at the 1924 Olympic Games

What happens if a politician drowns in a river? That is pollution.

What happens if all of them drown? That is solution !!

I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two are lawyers and three or more are the government.

John Adams (1735 - 1826)

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Government. But then I repeat myself.

Mark Twain (1835- 1910)

I don't make jokes. I just watch the Government and report the facts!

Will Rogers (1879- 1935)

I contend that for a nation to try and tax itself into prosperity, is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.

Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul, can always depend on the support of Paul !

Will Rogers (1879- 1935)

The problem we face today is that the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living.

George Bernard Shaw (1856- 1950)

I don't like political jokes, but a lot of them get elected!

THE GIGGLE AUSTRALIA

noreply@blogger.com (TonyKRO) — Thu, 16 Jun 2022 15:04:00 +0000

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked." 😂🤣

Quotes to Remember

noreply@blogger.com (TonyKRO) — Wed, 19 Jan 2022 18:22:00 +0000

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius..

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(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

--Mariah Carey

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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"

-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign

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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"

--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"

--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .

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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"

--A congressional candidate in Texas ..

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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."

--Al Gore, Vice President

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"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix .."

-- Dan Quayle

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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

--Lee Iacocca

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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."

-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

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"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."

--Keppel Enderbery

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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

-- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

Quotes from the Past Century

noreply@blogger.com (TonyKRO) — Fri, 07 Jan 2022 14:14:00 +0000

~ Jean Kerr...

The only reason they say " Women and children first" is to test the strength of the lifeboats.

~ Prince Philip...

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

~ Emo Philips...

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

~ Harrison Ford...

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.

~ Spike Milligan...

The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.

~ Jean Rostand...

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger...

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars , but I was just as happy when I had 48 million.

~ WH Auden...

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.

~ Jonathan Katz...

In hotel rooms, I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.

~ Johnny Carson...

If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.

~ Warren Tantum... (School photo album).

I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very sceptical.

~ Steve Martin...

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.

~ Jimmy Durante...

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.

~ George Roberts...

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.

~ Jonathan Winters...

If God had intended us to fly , he would have made it easier to get to the airport.

~ Robert Benchley...

I have kleptomania and when it gets bad, I take something for it.

~ John Glenn...

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind : every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

~ David Letterman...

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

~ Howard Hughes...

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Dammit, I'm a billionaire.

~ Old Italian proverb...

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.

TWELVE COMMANDMENTS FOR SENIORS!

noreply@blogger.com (TonyKRO) — Tue, 27 Jul 2021 17:41:00 +0000

#1 - Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice.

#2 - "In Style" are the clothes that still fit.

#3 - You don't need anger management. You need people to stop pissing you off.

#4 - Your people skills are just fine It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.

#5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it."

#6 - "On time" is when you get there.

#7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.

#8 - It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.

#9 - Lately, You've noticed people your age are so much older than you.

#10 - Growing old should have taken longer.

#11 - Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.

#12 - You still haven't learned to act your age, and hope you never will.

And one more:
"One for the road" means using the bathroom before you leave the house.

Who pays the Checker?

noreply@blogger.com (TonyKRO) — Sun, 25 Jul 2021 13:51:00 +0000

Here is a relevant question which the US Congress will have to debate:

Who pays the Checker?

There are important questions to be answered about recent LGBT bathroom legislation and whether transgender people will be permitted to use a restroom of the gender that they "identify" with or be required to use the restroom of their biological gender.

If the latter, would public restrooms be required to have a Genital Inspection Station at the entrance to all public restrooms?

Who will have to pay these Pecker Checkers, the people using the restroom, or the entity that owns the restroom?

And how much money will a Pecker Checker be paid to check peckers?

Or, do we pay a Pecker Checker by the number of peckers checked?

How many peckers can a Pecker Checker check if a Pecker Checker could check peckers?

What has this country come to when the U.S. Department of Labor has to create a new job description of Politically Correct Restroom Service Inspectors?

Want to guess their motto? "If You gotta pee - We gotta see!

Tour of a whisky distillery.

noreply@blogger.com (TonyKRO) — Sun, 25 Jul 2021 12:52:00 +0000

It’s probably heretical, but must be seen in the public interest.

An Irish Fisherman

noreply@blogger.com (TonyKRO) — Thu, 15 Jul 2021 13:55:00 +0000

The rain was pouring down outside O'Connor's Irish Pub. There standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water. A passer-by stopped and asked him: "What are you doing?”

“Fishing” replied the old man.

Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says:

“Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me.”

In the warm ambiance of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman, being a bit of a superior smart ass, cannot resist asking:
"So how many have you caught today?"

“You're the 8th", replied the old man.

Obituary to Common Sense

noreply@blogger.com (TonyKRO) — Wed, 23 Jun 2021 13:34:00 +0000

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

- Knowing when to come in out of the rain; 
- Why the early bird gets the worm; 
- Life isn't always fair; 
- And maybe it was my fault. 

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). 

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. 

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.      It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. 

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. 

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. 

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. 

Common Sense was preceded in death,
-by his parents, Truth and Trust,
-by his wife, Discretion,
-by his daughter, Responsibility,
-and by his son, Reason. 

He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers; 
- I Know My Rights 
- I Want It Now 
- Someone Else Is To Blame 
- I'm A Victim
- Pay me for Doing Nothing 

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. 
If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

noreply@blogger.com (TonyKRO) — Tue, 22 Jun 2021 18:05:00 +0000

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

Write What You Know

noreply@blogger.com (TonyKRO) — Thu, 28 Jan 2021 16:58:00 +0000

My latest attempt at writing a short story.

John burst into my office on Monday morning “I’ve thought of a great new hobby” he said walking up to my desk, wearing a huge grin. “Not only is it going to keep me busy, it will earn me loads of money!”

“Oh yes,” I sighed “and what are you going to do now?”

“I’m taking up writing. I shall start by writing a few short stories then move on to my blockbuster novel”

“That’s great, but what makes you think that you will stick with this? You were going to make a load of money taking up philately and trade in buying and selling stamps. Before you actually bought or sold any stamps you started dabbling with Bitcoin and other crypto currencies. Last year you spent about a thousand pounds on buying a top of the range camera and kit, convinced that you could turn photography into a profitable hobby. I could carry on but you know as well as I do that you have lots of ideas but never stick to them.”

John’s smile faded and he dumped himself on to the chair on the other side of my desk.

I had known John since school where he had shown lots of potential but didn’t revise properly for his exams and scraped through with grades too low to get him into college. He drifted from job to job but never found anything he could stick at. He was now working for me in the mail department. He was doing reasonably well but I knew he was capable of achieving much more if he would only learn to concentrate and stick to a plan.

He was a very likeable person who was a good friend, always willing to help anyone out and was good company socially. But what could I do to help him stick to this hobby and help him develop into a competent writer?

“I will tell you what John, give me a couple of days to think about it and I am sure that we will be able to come up with a plan to help you make a success of this. Let’s go to the pub after work on Friday and we can work things out together.”

Friday arrived and we walked over to the pub just a short walk from the office. As usual for a Friday after work the bar was crowded so I sent John to find a quiet table well away from the hustle and bustle while I pushed to the front and ordered a couple of pints. Glasses in hand I struggled through the crowd and found John sitting at a table for two in the far corner. I had spent the previous few days researching the internet to get some ideas to help John. I handed him his pint and took the seat opposite him.

“Cheers” I said, raising my glass, “now lets get you sorted out. First, can you tell me what you have written since Monday?”

“Err I haven't written anything yet, I was waiting for tonight to see what you had come up with.”

I sighed in desperation. “One of the first things I came across was a story about the American author, Sinclair Lewis who had been asked to address a group of students and give a talk on creative writing. He asked how many of them wanted to be writers and they all eagerly raised their hand. Lewis looked at them and said then why aren’t you at home writing, and then walked off the stage. Do you get that message? If you wish to become a writer you must sit down and write whenever you get the opportunity. Understand?”

John nodded, took a swig of beer and then started talking about football, a favourite topic for both of us. After about 20 minutes he stood up saying that it was his round and went up to the bar. While he was away I determined to get the topic back onto his writing – the reason we had agreed to meet that evening. I took out my note book containing the results of my research.

When he returned I said “Right John, lets get a plan written down that is going to help you. First, what time of day will you make yourself sit down and write, how long will you write for in each session or will you set a target of how many words you will write before stopping” I continued with several other ideas which John took note of and promised to come up with a plan over the weekend. We agreed to come into the office half an our early on Monday morning to discuss them.

Monday morning arrived and John had drawn up a plan to help get himself started. He was going to get up early each morning and write for half an hour before having breakfast and he would then write for an hour each evening before going to bed. At the end of each week we would go to the pub again and review his progress.

So the following Friday we found ourselves back in the bar, at the same table as the previous week.

I again bought the beers before asking John how he had got on and how much he had written. To my disappointment, but not really surprise, he admitted that he hadn't written anything!

“For God’s sake, what is wrong with you!” I shouted.

“Well I tried but just couldn’t think of what to write about” he said sheepishly.

“OK, lets get this sorted. Write what you know about. What’s on your mind at the moment that you would like to get off your chest?”

John sat and thought for a little while before replying.

“I guess I have been just wasting my time playing computer games to take my mind off the fact that I couldn’t get started writing.”

I told him to go home, get his laptop out and write a short story about not being able to concentrate on writing and not knowing what to write about and that I expected him to come into the office on Monday morning and show me what he had written.

So John did finish his first short story, thanks to his friend’s advice to write about something he knew. And dear readers, John is basically me, and I have been trying to write for many years but have only now really put my mind to it, and hopefully this will be the first of many!!

Rules of Composition

noreply@blogger.com (TonyKRO) — Wed, 13 Jan 2021 17:05:00 +0000

Basic rules of composition in photography.

Rules of composition from AnthonyMurtagh

Choosing a Reward Website

noreply@blogger.com (TonyKRO) — Mon, 11 Jan 2021 17:54:00 +0000

Watch our choosing a reward site slide show, or read below.

Reward websites from AnthonyMurtagh

What is a Reward Site?

A reward website is a website that offers rewards for performing tasks, usually related to selected retailers and organisations. These tasks may include, buying goods or services through referral links, submitting content, participating in a survey or referral of members.

There are many such sites available online and I shall be reviewing a few more of them in the coming weeks. There is a wide range amongst such sites as to the earnings opportunities available and I would put TimeBucks in the top quarter. Some such sites are undoubtedly Scams, but TimeBucks have a good rating at TrustPilot with an Excellent Rating of 82%, as may be seen here:-

Who are TimeBucks?

TimeBucks is a reward site where you can earn real cash for performing various tasks and activities that you already do everyday.

You can earn cash from doing things such as:-

taking surveys,
watching videos,
voting,
installing free apps,
playing games,
taking selfies,
performing web searches
and much more!

Advantages of TimeBucks are that

they pay in real cash, not gift cards.
they pay weekly via PayPal with a low minimum pay-out of just $10.
you get your own dedicated account manager to help you earn as much cash as possible!

TimeBucks is free to join, and also has a referral program where you can earn commission for referring your friends! So whether you're a single mom, a student, or you're just looking for some extra cash to pay the bills, then TimeBucks is the place for you

To sign up for TimeBucks click here

TimeBucks Reward Site

noreply@blogger.com (TonyKRO) — Sun, 10 Jan 2021 15:13:00 +0000

TimeBucks is a reward site where you can earn real cash for performing various tasks and activities that you already do everyday. You can earn cash from doing things such as taking surveys, watching videos, voting, installing free apps, playing games, taking selfies, growing a beard, performing web searches and much more!

TimeBucks is unique from other reward sites because they pay in real cash, not gift cards. They pay weekly via PayPal with a low minimum pay-out of just $10. With TimeBucks, you get your own dedicated account manager to help you earn as much cash as possible!

To sign up for TimeBucks click here

10 points to ponder as 2020 draws to a close .....

noreply@blogger.com (TonyKRO) — Thu, 24 Dec 2020 14:08:00 +0000

1. The dumbest thing I ever bought was a 2020 planner.

2. 2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.

3. The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house & their “Children” are yelling at them to stay indoors!

4. This morning I saw a neighbour talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I went indoors & told my dog.... We had a good laugh.

5. Every few days try your jeans on, just to make sure they fit. Pyjamas will have you believe that all is well in the kingdom.

6. Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands?

7. I never thought the comment, “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6-foot Barge pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!

8. I need to practise social-distancing from the refrigerator.

9. I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to the Dustbins.....Might even Blow-dry my hair.

10. Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go into a bank with a mask on and ask for money!

Jewish Comedians.

noreply@blogger.com (TonyKRO) — Sat, 12 Dec 2020 13:25:00 +0000

Jewish Comedians. Some of us miss the old kind of (Yiddish) humour. Not a single swear word in their comic routines as shown below:

A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable? "The man says, "I make a good living."

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I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!

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Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

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My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea .

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My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.

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My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

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The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

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The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."

Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!"

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Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor:

"See! What did I tell you?"

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A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand? The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears. " Doctor: "Don't answer!"

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A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."

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A man called his mother in Florida . "Mom, how are you?"

"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."

The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."

The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call."

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A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner - Take it or leave it.

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A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?"

The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."

The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part"

Seniors Problems

noreply@blogger.com (TonyKRO) — Thu, 10 Dec 2020 15:08:00 +0000

A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.

"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!"

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully - -.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Thank God we can all still drive."

Keep smiling

Stranded Irishman

noreply@blogger.com (TonyKRO) — Mon, 07 Dec 2020 16:40:00 +0000

An Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, finally saw a speck on the horizon.

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde.

Shaking her tresses, she walked up to the stunned Irishman and said, "Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a good cigar?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and Begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I’d forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you’ve had a drop of good Bushmills Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink.

“Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. "Tis truly fantastic!!!”

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle.

She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, “Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there !!"

Rules of Composition

noreply@blogger.com (TonyKRO) — Mon, 23 Nov 2020 14:11:00 +0000

With the advent of the mobile phone and tablet, everyone seems to be taking photographs, and for many people all they want is a record of a holiday or family event or a special moment in their lives which they are happy to share with their friends and perhaps to look at some years later when it will bring back a fond memory of times past.

Some of us however want to take their photography one step further and turn it into a hobby which we can develop and improve. So we dispense with our point and shoot camera and stop using our phones and invest in a reasonably decent camera. Personally, although I had been taking pictures for almost 50 years, I only took it up as a serious hobby in 2010 when I purchased a Panasonic DMC-FZ38 prior to visiting Kenya on my first Safari.

To begin with, I looked at the 128 page manual, hardly understood a word, so set the camera to auto and went off on safari. I took some great photos but it was only after I joined a local camera club and started to learn about the art of composition that I began to actually look through the lens and think about what I was doing, instead of simply pointing the camera at an object and pressing the shutter.

Like me, I suspect that many new photographers get confused, or even totally put off, by such things as focal length, ISO, aperture, shutter speed, focusing, exposure, etc., etc., and while I believe that it is very useful to understand the more technical elements, and I shall be covering some of those in later articles, I do believe that the most important element for a new photographer to get to grips with, is Composition. All digital camera manufacturers spend a large amount of time and money on software to help the user get the correct camera settings to capture that shot and, as I did initially, if you set your camera on auto, the vast majority of time you will get technically good results. However the one thing that no camera is able to do, no matter how much money you have spent buying it, is compose a photo that is attractive to the eye.

So what do I mean by Composition? Putting it into its very basic form, composition can be said to be the way to create a photo that is aesthetically pleasing to the viewer. Sounds simple doesn’t it? Google “composition in photography” and you come up with such results as:- 20 Composition Techniques That Will Improve Your Photos: 10 Top Photography Composition Rules: 9 Top Photography Composition Rules You Need To Know: 18 Composition Rules For Photos That Shine: 5 Elements of Composition in Photography: 5 Easy Composition Guidelines: The 10 rules of photo composition (and why they work): 12 Rules for Effective Composition in Photography: etc., etc.!

While you will undoubtedly learn by reading all of those articles, (and I would suggest that you do in time), I will concentrate on a few simple rules that I follow. Before I go further, while some of these are called rules, remember rules are there to be broken. What I am trying to do is to encourage you to think about what you are trying to achieve when looking through the viewfinder. I will start then with something that you have probably already come across:-

The Rule of Thirds

Basically, if you imagine a photo divided into thirds, both horizontally and vertically, the main subject of the image should be where a vertical line cross a horizontal one, as in this photo of a leopard in the Serengetti. Also the branch runs along the bottom third of the frame. This is much more pleasing than if the leopard was bang in the centre of the image.

Leopard In Serengeti

Many modern cameras allow you to place a grid in the viewfinder which can be used to place the object where two lines intersect. While we are talking about the Rule of Thirds, it is generally best to place the horizon on one of the thirds, rather than in the centre of the frame, dependant on whether the main points of interest are in the sky or on the ground.

Leading Lines

These lead the viewers eyes into the picture either to the main subject or on a journey through the whole of the picture. In the image below of the Old Town in Stavanger, the viewer is taken into the picture by the lines of the timber boards of the building towards the centre while the curves of the pavement and road, coupled with the pedestrians walking down the road, help the viewer complete their journey.

Old Town Stavanger

Symmetry

To demonstrate that the rules are no more than guidelines, the next one contradicts the Rule of Thirds. If your image is symmetrical, then it could benefit from being centred either on the horizontal, or vertical centre line. This works particularly well for reflections, as is the case below, where the mute swan and its reflection are centred along the horizontal centre line, or for architecture where in the shot from the Dome of St Peter’s, the image is centred on the vertical line.

Mute Swan

View From Dome Of St Peters

Rule of Space

This rule is talking about giving the subject in the photo, space to move into the frame. This particularly applies to animals and vehicles. The first photo below, of a Secretary Bird, was taken on my first safari before I had begun to learn anything about photography and as you can see, it looks a little odd, with the bird looking out of the frame, and all the space behind it. The second image was taken three years later when I was aware of the need to give the subject some space to move into.

Secretary Bird

I hope you will agree that the second one looks more natural and is better on the eye.

Rule of Odds

Generally speaking, it is thought that photos with an odd number of subjects is more visually appealing and natural looking than those with an even number, where the viewers eyes may flick around the image, unsure of where to settle. The main reason that I have included this is that it gives me an excuse to include my award winning image of a three-headed giraffe. Other than this, which was a purely lucky shot, I do tend to use the rule of odds if taking a close up of flowers or the like.

Three Headed Giraffe

Patterns

I will close on patterns, which can be found everywhere, both in nature and architecture and the image below, which shows reflections in the Birmingham Symphony Hall, combines patterns with one of my personal favourite composition techniques, the use of reflections.

Birmingham Symphony Hall Reflections

I hope that I have given you a brief insight into composition and that when you next look through your viewfinder you will at least stop and think for a few seconds at what you are looking at and how the shot may be improved. But just remember, these rules, and all the others you will come across, are simply guide lines to help you go in the right direction, they are not railway tracks that you have to stick to rigidly. Finally I will end with the words of Pablo Picasso - “Learn the rules like a pro, so you can break them like an artist.”

Tony Murtagh

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As usual, my work is available to purchase as original Wall Art, in a variety of formats from stretched canvas or framed prints, metal or acrylic prints,or simply as standard prints for you to mount in your favourite picture frame. They are also available as greeting cards or printed onto iPhone or Galaxy phone cases, throw pillows, duvet covers or tote bags. Simply click on the image and you will be taken to my gallery where you will find full details.