Random Metal Thoughts

2012-01-22T01:23:00.001-05:00

As it turns out, the new blog layout doesn't want to display properly in Google Chrome, my default browser. Or at all. What the fuck. How dumb of it to interface with my Google account but not with its own proprietary browser. /facepalm

So not brutal.

BARN BURNER Set To Release Bangers II: Scum Of The Earth

2011-06-01T19:34:00.003-04:00

With the volume, technicality and intensity that embodies heavy metal and the overarching catchiness and longevity of stoner and classic rock, Barn Burner capture a signature sound that cannot be easily placed or categorized.

"Huge groovy riffs that would make Phil Lynott proud." Craveonline.com

While maintaining some of the core aspects of their previous record, Barn Burner have captured something more intense, taking steps to create an album more dynamic then their last. Having already toured Canada, the U.S. and Europe with the likes of Priestess, Bison B.C., and 3 inches of Blood, Barn Burner intend to continue its war path in support of the Metal Blade release of Bangers II: Scum Of The Earth (6.07.11)

Click the link below to hear the bands new single “Keg Stand and Deliver”

Barn Burner
http://www.metalblade.com/barnburner/

Operation Ground and Pound

2010-10-16T20:20:00.000-04:00

So I found a Thesis Generator a little while ago, and I thought I'd put it to good use writing about something... that sounds like something I'd write about. Anyway, without further ado, I present to you why core music sucks shit and metal is awesome. Note, I will not be talking about grindcore cause I don't mind it and most people can agree that Napalm Death is the shit.

In the beginning, there was metalcore. And that was okay. Killswitch Engage did a Dio cover song as a peace offering to all the metalheads and metal bands so as to not guarantee themselves a bloody, violent death, upon gaining popularity. All That Remains tried this shit with a Nevermore song, and they fucking butchered that shit, but it's OK because we give them points for trying. Then deathcore came out and ruined it for everybody. Then Attack Attack! came out and simultaneously dug a grave and filled it for themselves and their whole encompassing genre. And the hate which had been dormant for so long, boiled to the surface and exploded like Mount Vesuvius in 79AD.

Since then, it's become very apparent that core music is played by faggots with giant holes in their earlobes (to accomodate many large penises), wiggers, and idiots who think breakdowns are cool, while metal is played by guys with flowing locks, and who can play instruments and sing and generally sound like they have hit puberty. In the underground scene, metal = the alpha male, while everything else = the slime on the social ladder.

For one thing, Manowar is fucking metal. I do not think I need to add to this. If you think I need to add to this, you are not metal, and therefore should go back to wearing V-necks even though you have no tits, and stealing your little sister's pants.

The most important reason core music is played by faggots with giant holes in their earlobes, wiggers, and idiots who think breakdowns are cool -- while metal is played by guys with flowing locks, and who can play instruments and sing -- is because Whitechapel, Despised Icon, Attack Attack!, and other shitcore bands look like fags and their music sucks. You cannot prove me wrong. Fitted caps? Flip-flops? V-necks? All the same hairstyles? Pseudo-syncopated rhythmic strumming on open strings? What is this I don't even...

In conclusion, although Manowar is metal (we're sorry, but we're not), core music is just terrible, super shit. Fantastically shit, even. And metal fucking pwns core music in the face with its diamond encrusted cod-piece. For two main reasons: first, Manowar is fucking metal. That's a given. But most importantly, Whitechapel, and other shitcore bands look like fags and their music sucks.

The end. Any core kids offended can go home and cry about this, then go out and make real music. Any metalheads feeling empowered by this can go into the nearest forest and write some black metal. Anybody else offended can make sure that mister sensitives don't goes to crybaby's house for vacation.

Stay Brutal. \m/

Advertising...

2010-08-30T21:54:00.007-04:00

... My blog of course. Because ads are totally not metal right? I mean, that would just be selling out and sellouts are assholes. Well, they're rich assholes, sure. But they're still assholes, and totally not metal. I'm not a sellout just because I have ads, right? Hell naw.

Ads are metal. I mean, how else are you gonna make money, right? Metal doesn't sell like that pop shit these kids are devouring these days. Then again, I'm not exactly making music, I'm just writing. So it's journalism, right? And in journalism, you can talk about metal and make money right?!

So therefore, my ads are totally not me selling out and in fact, me utilizing an effective marketing strategy.

Ha ha! Fooled again, Rules of Metal.

Brutal.

No Mas Dolor

2010-05-16T23:08:00.010-04:00

Rest in Peace, Ronnie James Dio.
(1942 - 2010)

Lost but never forgotten;
Your legacy will live on in our hearts and minds.

Till the end of time.

-F.L.P.

Brokeback Mountain and Scene Kids

2010-05-02T23:25:00.011-04:00

Note: the following is based on actual events. Only the names, places, and events have been changed.

Saturday night, three friends of mine went to a shitcore show at The Opera House. Terrible, I know. I don't want to name names, so let's just call these guys "Jason", "Samantha", and "Advait". I hadn't seen Jason in a while cause he moved last summer, so I got my friend Saad and we headed down to see him and meet his girlfriend Samantha.

Now, initially I was under the impression that these three were metal, but I guess I was mistaken. While in line, I proceeded to rip on everybody who walked by and everybody else in line. One guy was wearing a Bodom shirt, and I let him know that he was very likely the (second) manliest person there, despite looking as though his balls had yet to drop. Another dude was wearing a Nile shirt and warned him to prepare to be disappointed. Poor kids, they must have been lost.

The two most notable bands on the bill were Shitchapel and some other band that got its name from Brokeback Mountain. I'd like to say that they both arrived in their moms' minivans, but the truth is Shitchapel's moms wouldn't let them use their vans, prompting the band members to whiningly yell to their mothers that they "just don't understand death metal", subsequently leading the mothers to collectively laugh in a hysterical fashion, followed by them drowning their disappointments with their sons in their favorite spirits. So the band carpooled with the gay cowboys who, it seemed, had more luck.

Anyway, two hours in line, and aside from several would-be threatening looks through feathered, skunk-dyed, bleached, or black-as-night-with-blond-roots-showing hairstyles with stupidly long fringes, no one had mustered up the testicular fortitude to say a word to me. Did they seriously not care about their beloved shitcore bands? Seriously, if you pulled the kind of shit I pulled here at a Slayer show, you would be drawn and quartered. It would be brutal. But nope; not at these types of shows, apparently.

Even the band members look like fags. The bassist from Jake Gyllenhaal's band has two giant holes in his ears, so that he can accomodate the rest of the guys in the bedroom --should both his mouth and his ass be taken-- or, failing that, their moms' minivans. Not to mention he's a ginger. And the bassist from Shitchapel looks like fucking Shaycarl from YouTube. No joke; I fucking thought it was him! ...Insulting as that may be to Shay, whose smoking hot wife and two kids assure me he won't be taking it up the ass from anybody anytime soon.

So finally, the doors opened. We were shuffling in and I was trying to educate the guys on how to look like idiots in the mosh pit (read: hardcore dance), but I was failing miserably so I told them, with a sweeping gesture towards the group of scene kids who stood just behind us in line, to "just ask these kids; they'll show you."
Cue more dirty looks.

One of the girls in the group looked like she had an accident with a nail gun at the Home Depot, and seemed as though she was about to cry, when I performed my coup de grâce; I asked aloud to no one in particular why the fuck I was even standing in line for such a concert, pulled out my ticket, set it on fire and left it to burn on the floor as Saad and I walked away to the roaring sounds of laughter from the guys amidst the distraught sobbing of everyone else.

A brutal job well done.

Under A Glass Moon

2010-04-14T03:09:00.003-04:00

I think the neighbors are going to call the cops on me very soon.

Every day there's what sounds like an air raid siren going off in my apartment, and then the sounds of loud, frustration-laced profanity when that fucking crystal glass won't shatter. One day, though, one day.

One day, I'm going to set off a kataklysmic chain of events. Windows will shatter, car alarms will go off, glassware will be reduced to deadly shards of airborne deadliness. Fishbowls everywhere will not be safe. I will cause a global catastrophe. The loudness of it all will be overwhelmingly brutal.

Earthquakes will occur, tides will rise and fall unpredictably, California will sink into the ocean and Atlantis will rise up from the depths again.

It will truly be fucking metal. One day.
But first let's focus on the one glass.

On a side note, last night's episode of LOST was FUCKAWESOME.
SOME BITCH EXPLODED! NO, SRSLY. Anyway, more from me some other time.
Cheers. \m/

Locke and Load

2010-03-29T02:12:00.013-04:00

Today's Random Metal Thought doesn't really have much to do with metal, apart from the analogy about locks which are literally made out of metal.
So I thought, that's kind of brutal, right?

Some guy I know was pissed that a chick can ask any straight guy for sex and she will get it, but on the other hand, if a straight guy asks a chick for sex, she will turn around and get all conservative, claiming that she doesn't want to be a slut.

So I gave him this analogy;

A key that opens many locks is called a master key.
A lock that is opened by many keys is a pretty shitty lock.

He cried and wondered if I was the Messiah.

Also, I'm sure by now you've probably realized this post has nothing to do with LOST's beloved John Locke. Maybe tomorrow, after the new episode airs, I'll post something.

Till then!

Congratulations Are In Order!

2010-02-12T22:37:00.004-05:00

Today someone told me they saw Goatse for the first time. And it was through my blog. This blog has finally accomplished something!

Something brutal. \m/

Dark Tranquilli/b/

2010-02-07T03:56:00.008-05:00

Swede melo-death pioneers Dark Tranquillity have a new album cover (pictured here) that looks like Goatse. I'm sure by this point you all know what Goatse is, so I'm not going to bother explaining it. If you're "12 years old and what is this" i dont even... Just click the link. Yep. Welcome to the internet, boys and girls.

Anyway, I thought it was pretty fuckin' metal because I mean, a little gore (if it can be considered that) is always metal! See Cannibal Corpse or even some black metal albums (Dawn of the Black Hearts anyone?) for proof of that.

Fuckin' brutal if you ask me.

Not Brutal

2009-12-17T01:26:00.012-05:00

It has come to my attention that I have got to seriously lay off the "\m/". I've done it so much the "M" on my keyboard is beginning to wear off. I also tend to end a lot of my posts with "Brutal."

It seems to be getting kind of excessive (and brutal) and as such I will not be ending this post with "Brutal."

Sons of Northern Ice Rinks

2009-12-13T16:10:00.000-05:00

Nothing puts you in the spirit of winter quite like Black Metal.

I wonder if Norway's ice hockey team uses Black Metal to open up for their games... That'd be metal as fuck.

Looks like I'm going to Norway next hockey season.

Brutal.

Nightfall in Middle-Earth

2009-11-10T01:21:00.010-05:00

I don't give a shit who you are, or what you say, Lord of the Rings is fucking epic. And when you think about it, so are German power metal legends Blind Guardian. Hence, legends.

It seems only natural to me that two legendary things should come together and be more epic than can be processed in an entire human lifetime, which is why I believe Blind Guardian declined the offer to be included on the Lord of the Rings official soundtrack. Because it would have been way too epic for anyone to tolerate within their mortal (unlike our beloved Guardians') lifespan.

I wonder if declining actually made them more legendary...

If they had been included on the LOTR soundtrack, people would have drilled holes in their skulls and tried to scoop out gray matter in order to give their brains some space with which to comprehend the epicness of it all.

And that would have been bad because people would have died. And more people dying means less people buying records and attending shows. At the end of it all, if Blind Guardian were to stop making money and in turn music, it would result in a metal catastrophe not even the Mayans could predict.

Now hurry up and release your shit, assholes.

TOTAL BRUTAL! \m/ \m/ \m/ \m/

2009-10-06T21:40:00.008-04:00

It seems to me that a generally-accepted rule amongst metalheads is that the more horns follow behind a statement or band name, the more metal it is.

Brutal. \m/ \m/ \m/ \m/

Evisceration Plague

2009-10-04T02:06:00.008-04:00

I just may have found a use for Black Metal fans' elitism.

Any person who got into metal because of Guitar Hero, including you (yes, you) should be apprehended by the tr00 ones who will wish to eviscerate you with the giant nails on their leather vambraces and hang you by your entrails on your mother's front porch and then burn the church down during your funeral proceeding.

And that's just for not liking black metal.

They don't even know what the fuck Guitar Hero is.

They're too kvlt for that shit.

Brutal.

ROCKTOBER 2K9

2009-09-25T18:04:00.006-04:00

This year, October is kicking off with a steel-toed army boot.

DragonForce and Sonata Arctica at the same show: FUCKING EPIC.

Look out scene kids, ROCKTOBER's here to kick your asses and it's pumped the fuck up on motherfuckin' speed metal. Brutal.

Wield them in the pit!

2009-09-01T00:30:00.009-04:00

Today, I came across a flyer for some shitcore band's signature BOXING GLOVES.

The slogan, as it were, states "Wear 'em in the pit!", because you don't look stupid enough throwing fucking punches and spin-kicks in the air like you're fighting a legion of some goddamn invisible adversaries without wearing boxing gloves.

I think real metal bands should start promoting their own branded axes and swords. I can see it now: "Wield them in the pit!"

That way, those homocore enthusiasts can put their boxing gloves to good use, and metalheads can systematically purge the world of them at the same time.

Nothing like proclaiming the glory of metal while embedding your axe in some hardcore kid's skull. Brutal.

Seven Are The Sins

2009-08-06T16:28:00.003-04:00

I just spun Maiden's Seventh Son of a Seventh Son for the seventh time today.

Fucking metal.

Leather Rebel

2009-07-22T21:58:00.003-04:00

You know you're fuckin' metal when you have enough shirts from one band to last you a good week.

It's pretty brutal when your wardrobe consists only of band shirts. And especially if they're tour shirts, and you were at the shows, and they're soaked in sweat, blood, and some unknown substance you noticed as you were leaving the venue but haven't cared to wash off for fear of the novelty wearing off.

What the fuck is that shit anyway? Do I really want to know?

Break You

2009-07-19T01:39:00.004-04:00

Maybe I'm just in a pissed off mood, but I really want to fucking crack somebody's skull in. I don't normally listen to very much death metal, but lately I've been in the sort of mood to beat the living fuck out of somebody and I need to channel that energy positively. So I do so with death metal. My current favorite is Miseration.

In any case, my metal thought for today is about a story that came out a while ago. Allegedly, Phil Fasciana, the guitarist from Florida death metal band was involved in a real-life shoot-out when he walked into a convenience store to buy some chocolate milk (which I fucking love) and realized it was being held up. He was shot at a couple of times, hit the deck, and when the gunman wasn't looking, snuck up behind the fucker and disarmed him. When the bastard reached into his sock to pull out another gun, Phil shot him twice in the motherfucking head, point blank.

The dude's head must have exploded and he must have been covered in blood. That's fucking brutal. I don't know if it's true or not, but at least we know what their next new song's going to be about.

Nothing more metal than a real-life experience with absolute brutality.

Electric Madness

2009-07-11T19:26:00.006-04:00

You know what would be metal? Playing a show in an open field during a thunderstorm. You're pretty much guaranteed free pyrotechnics with all the lightning and electrical equipment, and if your guitarist's pickups are active, he can literally play until his strings melt.

Plus, what the fuck is more brutal than playing or attending a show where you're potentially putting your life in danger? May as well put on a suit of armor while you're at it. And wield a sword.

Everyone loves swords.

Blizzard Beasts

2009-07-07T11:32:00.008-04:00

I just noticed my not-brutal air conditioner wasn't working.
So I put on some Immortal, and my place cooled right the fuck down. It's like the grim, wintry, frostbitten plains of the North are right in my room!

That's fuckin' brutal.

Christopher Lee

2009-07-06T20:08:00.006-04:00

Christopher Lee is hands down the most metal actor out there. Not only was he in Lord of the Rings, which is established to be fucking metal in and of itself, but he also sang with fucking Rhapsody!
How brutal is that?

Alright, admittedly not very. But metal is not all about being brutal. You can be epic, too. That's the way I prefer it, anyway.

I know it's possible to be so brutal it's epic, but I wonder if the opposite is true.

Now that would be brutal. \m/

Cremation

2009-07-05T05:02:00.000-04:00

You know what would be metal? Scattering your own ashes.
How fucking brutal is that?

Someone has to figure out how to do that and get back to me.