the confessions of a random shing

Three!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Random) — Thu, 02 May 2013 18:53:00 +0000

Today, this blog turns three. There will be no fanfare. No popping open the champagne, no. Just a short post to say I won't stop writing just yet. Granted, the mood has changed. Yes, I'm much happier now and things are beginning to fall into place. At some points of this journey, I've considered stopping as life has improved over the years. But as I saw chez City Buoy, sadness is not all I should write about. It is not all I am. I'm now more inclined to happiness, contentment, and a sense of peace in what my lot has been in this life.

Will that be the general direction this blog will take? I don't know. Who knows, I might be back here tomorrow with a classic Random rant or outpouring. I might also be here celebrating new things in this life. All I know is that as long as I still can, I will continue to write what I've learnt, and how my experiences have impacted me. I hope they bless you.

And thank you. Yes, thank YOU. When I started out three years ago, I had no idea where this would end up, or how wide its impact would spread. I know on these streets 55k is a small number, but I never expected to have that many views. It feels like my life is spread out for all to see, and yet at the same time, I feel like you have all become a part of that family I share my life with. I appreciate that. If I could write all the languages from Alaska to Wellington, I'd just say thank you in each.

Here's on to another year, and wherever it shall lead.

Sunday Ramblings: Malachi 4:6

noreply@blogger.com (Random) — Sun, 21 Apr 2013 18:52:00 +0000

And he will turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers....

Less than two weeks from now, this blog will be three years old. Three years of writing. Dozens of posts, hundreds of comments, thousands of views, and an untold number of emotions, thoughts and revelations later, I'm glad I took on this journey.

I've been thinking about this blog for quite a while now. A few weeks ago I told someone I wanted to shut it down. Close the chapter (more like the book) and move on to other things. Life in the real world especially. I have thought about whether to delete the posts, destroy the evidence (lol) and altogether move on. But then reading them just keeps me going. Reminds me of all the pain, the joy, the confusion, the heartache... everything I've gone through the last three years. Each post takes me back to a specific place, a specific emotion. Each post reminds me of the lessons life has taught me. The changes I have made, and even those I haven't managed to make.

I have grown, no doubt. I have improved in many areas, many ways, many things have changed for the better. In others, I have failed. Still in others, I have become weaker, more vulnerable, more.... inept. But such is life. We live, we learn.

Over the last three years, I've learnt to be more comfortable with myself. To love me, to appreciate who I am, warts and all. I have learnt that I can't always have it all, and that life will not always go my way. I have learnt that there will be good times, and that it is no sin to enjoy those. I've learnt that there will be hard times, and that they too, shall pass. I have learnt that life will be mean. I have learnt that in spite of that, it is good. I have learnt more than I can squeeze in one paragraph, but most of all, most importantly, I have learnt that God loves me, and all I have to do is do my part, and he will do his. Yes, he does exist. I know that, and you ain't doing nothing to change that.

One of the most prominent features of this blog the last three years has been my relationship with my parents. we all know how tumultous that has been. But over the last one year or so, things have changed. I have written here recently that my relationship with my dad is going so well I don't know how to deal with it. We've grown so close there are days I actually miss him sorely. He calls me, just to talk. And I call him, just to say hi. I text him more than I text many of my peers. And when I need guidance, I actually turn to him. Late in time? I don't care. The closeness we have now, and continue to build, has replaced all the pain, all the hurt, all the negativity, everything that I knew of him.

Granted, I know things might grow a bit strained if he gets to find out I'm gay. But I'm less worried about that now than I was a few months ago. I feel like I have enjoyed, over the last several months, a good relationship with the man I should have looked up to all my life. I'm contented. I'm happy, and thankful that I got to have him for a ~~father~~ dad. I have many good friends. Many close friends. Two BFFs, and one best friend. I still have one best friend, but instead of it being just my mum, it's now my mum and dad. They are my best friend. Singular.

Is this the end of the story? Is there any chapter after this page? I don't know. Maybe there'll be a sequel. Maybe I'll continue this book. Maybe I'll stop writing altogether. Maybe I'll turn more to the real world to rant, instead of you guys. Maybe... maybe.

I'm just happy with the way life is right now. I'm still single, but I've also learnt that I can, to some extent, be complete without another. I'm happy with other areas of my life too, other than my relationship with my parents. I've recently taken on a third job, one that gives me as much satisfaction as my second, if not more. And I was recently promoted at my first job. And I finish my masters soon. I'd have to be an ingrate not to be happy in that area.

I'm happy. I'm at peace. I'm content. That is all I need to know.

Dear You...

noreply@blogger.com (Random) — Mon, 01 Apr 2013 04:30:00 +0000

Been a while. Longer than I'd have liked.

Why am I writing you a letter here? Because I have more than just a feeling that you'll find it. See... I know you're bright. You're an expert at solving puzzles. And I know you probably solved this puzzle a long while ago. So let's start with that one. I'm sorry I hadn't told you about this yet. No, I didn't expect it to stay hidden for ever. It's on the internet for crying out loud. And yes, I was planning on owning up sooner than later, but, as you know, we haven't talked much in recent weeks. You've probably read all the posts, or not. But if you have questions, I have nothing to hide, and I will answer them.

The blog aside, I'm sure you know it's not the only reason I'm writing. Truth be told, I'm not even too sure I should be writing. But in all honesty, I'm worried. I just hope you're okay, and that this phase will pass soon. I want you to remember that no matter what, I'm here for you. When you're ready, you know just how to find me.

We do have a lot to catch up on, and you still owe me some music...

Love,

Me.

Ps. I don't think that heart to heart is such a bad idea.

Sunday Ramblings... or Not

noreply@blogger.com (Random) — Sun, 24 Mar 2013 18:56:00 +0000

You know those days when you really want to write, and even know what you want to write about, but have no idea how to write it, or even if you should write it at all?

Yea. That's where I am. It's a painful catharsis. One from which there seems to be no relief. So I'll just go to bed and hug my pillow and dream about ponies and unicorns.

Solace

noreply@blogger.com (Random) — Wed, 20 Mar 2013 18:55:00 +0000

He put his hand on me. Lightly on my shoulder at first, then slid it along my upper arm, to my elbow, where it was bent. He slipped his hand below my arm, and it rested on my chest, just short of my nipples. He paused. As if to confirm whether what he was doing was okay. My chest began to hurt from holding my breath too long - tense from all that was going on. I heaved a sigh, then took a deep breath, using the opportunity to adjust myself for comfort. Letting him know holding me was okay.

My right hand found his left hand. They clasped. Clenched for a bit, then eased. I imagine if there had been anyone watching, they wouldn't need to be told that these two had no idea what they were doing. It was obvious it wasn't the first time they were with a guy, but it was clear they didn't know what to do with each other.

"Come closer." He whispered.

I complied. I could feel his breath on my nape. His heartbeat against my back gave me such warm fuzzy feelings. I smiled to myself, a smile I knew no one would see in the dark room. He must have felt it though, because just then, he rubbed my fingers ever so lightly. Just the way I like them rubbed. And then he pulled me even closer to himself.

"Random," He said, with a slight crack in his voice. "Turn around."

I hesitated. I wasn't sure I liked where this would lead. And I stayed put. Frozen.

"I'm tired of looking at your back."

He had to go there. I let go of his hand as I propped myself up for the turn. The bed creaking as I did. It was a chilly night. A slight drizzle outside. I had to pull on the covers to make sure they stayed in place to keep us warm. And finally I was in place. My eyes looking into his in the dim light let in by the drapes.

"I want to kiss you, but I'm scared."

The blood rushed from my face. I was even more scared than he was. This was what I wanted. The company... the cuddling... the warmth. I needed to feel the warmth and comfort of someone around me. But certainly not from my ex.

I put the phone down, and abandoned the idea of calling him as I let my reverie go with the rain.

Yes, I Do.

noreply@blogger.com (Random) — Mon, 28 Jan 2013 12:48:00 +0000

Everyone was running around in a frenzy. It had to be perfect. Everything had to taste just right, and that which didn't.... well.... that just couldn't make it to the table. It might embarrass us, especially my mother. The house was squeaky clean. No speck of dust was in sight. The living room smelled fresh, and the beautiful weather outside was complementing in all the right ways. It wasn't a cold day, and it wasn't too hot either. Sunny, with a cool breeze.

I was sent out of the kitchen. I had to go make myself look pretty. Okay, those were not the words used, but that was the intent. I had to go spruce myself up. My cousin was on hand to make sure that I looked good. The barber had already done his part, and I mentioned to him it had to be the best haircut he had ever given me. I had an important meeting that weekend.

The guests arrived, on time. Not a big number, just five people. Pleasantries were exchanged, and lunch was served. It was a good meal. Not just the individual dishes, but the way they meshed with each other to bring pleasure to the tongue. My mother and all the other guys had truly outdone themselves. But lunch was not all the guests had come for. It was time to move on to important things. And this is where I got jittery.

I was dressed simple. Slacks and a casual short sleeved shirt. I took my customary seat, next to my father. My mother sat next to him, and my elder brother next to her. We basically sat L shaped, facing the guests. Him next to his mother and father, and two uncles next to his parents. We both looked down, though I'm not sure it was from shame, or from being shy, or just the fact that neither of us could believe this was happening.

My father led an opening prayer, and welcomed the guests. I could see my shirt shake with each heart beat. This was going to be long. I focused on the carpet to distract myself, but I couldn't help but pay attention to my father's carefully selected words.

"We're here today for something that might have never been done before. Our sons have found love, and have decided that they want to stay together for ever, if our families shall allow it."

My mouth ran dry. I couldn't feel anything. Not the cool breeze, not my feet, nothing. I was numb. I was... just there. Wishing in part that the ground would swallow me, and yet the love I felt for him was more than I could bear, much less describe.

"Random," His father called out, "Do you love my son?"

I looked up. First at him, then at his father, and then at my own father, and back at his father. With the confidence I didn't know I had, I said, "Yes. I do."

And then I woke up.

Sunday Ramblings: Roses, Thorns and Bliss

noreply@blogger.com (Random) — Sun, 30 Dec 2012 20:57:00 +0000

This is the last Sunday Ramblings for this year. And my my!!! Looking back at the kind of year it has been, I can only thank God for the end of the year. It has not been anywhere near easy. I've had heartbreaks, betrayals, ended relationships and friendships, seen the departure of friends, and more family drama than I could ever imagine existed. I've had my ups and downs with career, life, social life, decisions... It's been stressing.

But, allow me to employ the cliché. All roses do have thorns. But must we focus on the thorns? Granted, they making the enjoyment of the rose a bit of a precarious adventure, but what is life without a bit of adventure? Yes, I spilled some milk. Yes, I lost some. Yes, I got pricked by many a thorn. But whether I admit it or not, this year has been one hell of a rose garden!!!

If you've read this blog for a while, you know much of my story. You know what my desires, my prayers and hopes have been. You know the things I've been praying for, struggling with, and trying to get. Take for instance the conflicts I used to have with my folks in 2010... Those have been replaced by a close-knit relationship. Or my worries about employment and income? Where did those go? And finding my own place to stay? Oh yes. I've had two heartbreaks this year. Or was it three? Wait, they were more than three. But this heart of mine has been more than blessed by the friends and family I've been surrounded by.

I worry about my closet, we all know that. But that has over this year evolved too. The glass has darkened. It's almost opaque, but the people in this ever expanding closet with me... Those have been a real blessing. In light of recent happenings (outing homosexuals seems to be the newest fad for Ugandans), I have had to be more careful. And those around me that know, are doing more than I am to protect me.

And that is not all. There is a lot more that I have to be thankful for. Particularly the people in my life. And tonight, I'd like to mention just three.

Optimist: I don't even know where to start from. If I had words, I'd fashion them to express how grateful I am for you. I know I have hated you, loathed you, been mad at you, and had even vowed to shut you out of my life till you were just someone I used to know. But you refused for that to happen. You insisted, persisted, and made sure this friendship was salvaged. I have no idea where I would have been without you. All I can say is, thank you, and good luck shutting me up.

Unnamed, I'm finger-tied. Even finding a name to introduce you by on this blog is proving a problem. I love you. That random meeting remains fresh in my mind, not because of the circumstances, but because it brought you into my life. I doubt anyone gets me the way you get me, and I don't know what I did before you became a factor in my life. It's weird how you're not my boyfriend, and yet you fill such a void in my life, I don't know if I'll need to get one. You have changed my life, you. Thank you, and so much more.

Mother dearest... you don't read this blog, but I love you. Not just because you're 'softening', but for being the best mother anyone could ever ask for. Many people have Angels in their lives. Most of us have rocks we stand upon. You have been both my Angel and my Rock throughout this year, even when, undoubtedly, it was the hardest for you and I. I've learnt more from you than I could ever learn anywhere else, and the way you support me... I just love you mum! You shock me sometimes, and I can say with confidence, you are one of my best friends. Thank you.

Thorns, Roses, and Bliss. I've had pain, I've had fun, and I've had blessings. 2012 is a year I'm glad is done, but it is a year I'm glad I did. Thank you for reading this far, and more importantly, thank you for staying in this ever expanding closet with me.

To a greater 2013!!!

She Knows…. I swear

noreply@blogger.com (Random) — Sat, 29 Dec 2012 04:27:00 +0000

I’m still recovering from the hope in my last post. I’ve got messages from readers congratulating me and telling me how happy they are for me. And I appreciate them all. But yesterday, I was convinced mother dearest knows something. How she knows, I do not even know.

I attended a wedding yesterday. There are two things about weddings and Random. The first is that I love them, and always help out with the planning, organisation etc. I love a good, well done event. The second is more common to men my age – the questions about when yours is. In my case, the result has always been that because of how dedicated I am to other people’s weddings, pretty much everyone is looking forward to mine, so that they can ‘pay back’ my good deeds by working really hard to make sure I have the perfect wedding. My love for perfection is not unknown, and they’ve over the years learnt that everything I touch has to be world class.

At yesterday’s wedding, one of my aunts, who was, more or less, the host, remarked that that was the second last wedding she would work on. The next, and last, would be mine. No matter when it comes. My mother told her, smiling, “Random does not have plans for marriage. And he told me to tell people to stop asking, because he doesn't like it.”

That closed the chapter. I haven’t told her I’m planning not to get married. I haven’t asked her to tell people to stop asking me about my wedding, or any of that. But somehow, she knows it makes me uncomfortable when people ask. And she doesn’t want people asking me any more. I guess it’s true what they say. Mothers, they always know.

Dinner With The President

noreply@blogger.com (Random) — Tue, 18 Dec 2012 20:00:00 +0000

My life right now has many tiny (and big) pleasures going on right now. Many I'm infinitely thankful for. By now, you probably know about how President Museveni has 'softened' his stance on homosexuality. In my opinion, his current opinions are the same he has held for quite a while now. Maybe he's just voicing them differently. Of course, his current stance has caused much displeasure to the likes of the animated Pastor Ssempa, but that, I guess, is expected.

I had dinner with my parents tonight. And the news came on during dinner, including an item on the president's statements. Like I've said already, that wasn't a shock. The real shocker came from my mum. I almost choked on my food when she said:

"fortunately, or unfortunately, Mr. President, I agree with you. Homosexuality is a vice, but there are many vices in this world, which we never even talk about. And if indeed, as they say, it's an inclination, then that's okay. Lock yourselves up in a room, but don't shout it out from the rooftops what you do or want to do. As long as you don't force anyone to do it with you, just keep quiet about it. We all have rights, and some of us even want more. You don't see us asking for them..."

This was one of the best dinners I've ever had. If for nothing, for the fact that mother dearest has 'softened'. It may not seem like much, but this is the same person who, not too long ago, was willing to out her son in order to protect the neighbours' kids. Maybe she will never give me a hug and say 'look here Random, I know you're queer, but you're still my son and I love you.', but I know this, she's now less likely to disown me than she was a few months ago. That's a lot to be thankful for.

Testing 1 2 3....

noreply@blogger.com (Random) — Sun, 16 Dec 2012 07:49:00 +0000

You know that feeling when you walk into a disused warehouse, full of stuff coated in dust and the world's biggest cobwebs? Or maybe that feeling when you want to start a car that's been parked for about four years, but you're not even sure the vagaries of nature (read mice and roaches) have left it intact? You even have to pop open the hood to make sure the oil hasn't curdled, and the coolant hasn't evaporated... That's kinda how I feel.

I doubt I have had a longer period of absence from this blog than the current one. I'm sorry for the silence. A lot has been going on. A lot of good, for the record. I'll try and fit all the updates in just one post.

Home is great. Wounds are healing, slowly. And attempts are being made to salvage the relationships. Some of which are rather awkward. Angel was allowed to come home, for visits and events. Maybe eventually she'll be able to live here like old times. Truth be told though, she has a lot of work to do to earn everyone's forgiveness and trust. But baby steps. My brother is still on a frolic of his own. I moved on from that one really. If he comes around, I'll ~~burn~~ cross that bridge when I reach it. For now, there are better things to stress me.

My relationship with my folks is going great. So great that when I look at the rough patches we've had, I get embarrassed. We have practically no conflicts now. I don't know whether I matured or they understand me better. My dad no longer qualifies for the title Henry VIII. Maybe I'll get him a new name in the new year.... And my mum continues to be a Godsend. I guess the events of this year made us stand closer together, and strengthened our bond. I always knew I loved them, and that they loved me, but now, that seems much clearer.

Work is going great. I got a second job, can't remember if I mentioned that here. That's going great. At least it's something I'm passionate about. And my superiors and contemporaries (and juniors too) are impressed. My portfolio at this one increases in the new year. My first job is going okay. I walked to my boss' office to tell him I wanted to cut back on hours there, because... well... the second job was going great and I wanted to focus on it. And before I could table my proposal, he proposed a promotion I hadn't seen coming in the next five years. Clearly, I have impressed him. I discuss the terms of the promotion tomorrow, and if they're favourable, I'll take it.

I have my own place now. Pop the champagne everyone. Yay for independence. It's a nice little house, and no, it's not my own, seeing as I'm only a tenant. But it's a place I have full control over. Total independence.

Of course, living on my own comes with lots of challenges, new responsibilities, fears, hopes, and the temptation to start my whoring phase. I doubt that last bit will happen now. I'm too conservative to live. Besides, between two jobs (and a third one on the way, true story), I doubt I'll still have the back to roll around. As it is now, all I have time for when I get home is a quick meal and sleep. I'm in the house for less than 8 hours a day.

Life is great, now that I think of it. I'm getting head hunted for some of my skills, and people are willing to take me on my terms. I'm still single, and not complaining about it. The only thing that worries me about that is that I seem to be unbothered by the fact. I have great friends and great family around me that keep me sane when the going gets crazy, as it inevitably does. One way to describe where I'm at right now? I'm at peace. I know, there's a lot going on around me. I have some debts to pay, bills coming in, and my income doesn't match my expenditure just yet, but I'm happy. I'm at peace, and I know that with all the changes coming my way, life will be good. In the near future.

I can almost see it. I can feel it.

Sunday Ramblings: Circles

noreply@blogger.com (Random) — Sun, 28 Oct 2012 18:29:00 +0000

I did not go to church today. Or for the last few weeks for that matter. So I guess this post is not going to come out of a sermon. I miss those by the way. I miss writing, in general. It's been ages since I did a typical Random post. Full of emotion and not so cynical. Okay, cynical, at times, but you know what I mean, right?

I guess I've been going through a number of transformations in my life. And a lot of soul searching, thinking, self discovery, and all that stuff people do when they're on breaks. I can't quite say I've been on a break. From writing, maybe. Though not entirely voluntarily. From other things, not quite. I've been so up and down (not in that way) you'd think I run the world. In some ways, I do. Mine and those of others around me. But, meh!

Speaking of centres, do you have circles? One of the many things I've been discovering about life is that it is a series of circles. We all have them, we just deny that we do. I've just said that in some ways my life does revolve around me. And I'm right - it wouldn't be my life if it didn't, right? But I'm not saying this in a queen bee kind of way.

I have people all around me. People of all sorts, from all walks of life. I interact with them at different levels, and I'm open to them to different degrees. There are those that are closest to me. So close there is more than just a reliability, it's an emotional thing. And I'm not talking of people I date. It takes a while before they can even reach that close. These are those friends who know me so well I don't need to say a word for them to know what's up, and how to fix me.Then there are those that I'm close to; they are very reliable on all matters, they know me very well, but there's something that leaves them out of the inner circle. And the closeness diminishes as you get further out of the circle.

It also happens that those around me have similar circles. And it is all nice and dandy when those circles interact and we're all getting along well. But what about when a person core to your circle is on the periphery of another person core to your circle? Sometimes, it ends well, and the two get close on account of you. At other times, there's that awkwardness, knowing people are getting along for civility's sake. Other times though, they claw at each other. Not hiding their ire. And then you have to shoulder the unplanned for burden of ensuring their paths don't cross on your account (this, by the way, is NOT inspired by real life events).

I'm writing all this because I've been going through a period of 'choosing my friends', as they say. I've found that there are people I might be more at peace without. Other relationships I've decided not to invest much more in. Keeping them, if you wish, at the convenience of the other party. Others, I've decided to invest more in, because they're worth it. And while I'm the closed person, I've decided to be open to new ones, and this one, I've found rewarding. Many times I've kept people out of my life, more for my own protection. But I'm slowly learning that it's okay to trust. Not everyone is out to hurt me.

And about the numerous venn diagrams in my life? Live. That's the advice I'm giving myself. As much as it depends on me, I want to be at peace with my neighbour. Where my neighbours are not able to remain at peace with each other, I'll do my best to mend the walls, but then again, I don't know their story. I can't always be a fixer, and I pray for the wisdom to know what I can and cannot fix.

As for life, it continues to be good. Circles, confusion and all. Trust. That is something I'm learning to do.

NP: What if I stumble - DC Talk.

I haven't been here in a while...

noreply@blogger.com (Random) — Sun, 14 Oct 2012 17:40:00 +0000

I’ve not been here for a while. I have no idea if there is any really good reason for that. Writers block maybe? Or maybe just the fact that life has been moving so fast. Faster than I know how to keep up with. Another theory could be that life has been going so well for me, since, after all, this is an outlet for me. I don’t really know why I’ve been quiet. Thanks everyone for the messages, phone calls, texts, emails etc. asking why I have been quiet. Sometimes, I just don’t have what to write about.

I haven’t been here for a while. Life has been good to me. I got a second job, so I’m much busier. That’s going well so far, even though I don’t have a pay to write home about from the first job. At least now, I should be able to afford the rent. (Yay me!) School is also going well. Thanks for asking. I’ll be done with my masters sometime next year. (More yay me!)

I haven’t been here for a while. This place where my relationship with my folks is so good I’m tempted to step out of my being and bring in the sniffer dogs. There has to be a catch somewhere. I’m on such good terms with Henry 8 I’m considering giving the fella a new name. My mum is sweet and inspirational as always. I haven’t talked to Angel since the drama earlier this year. My errant brother… what brother?

I haven’t been here for a while. A very long while. It was a blind date just two months ago tomorrow. We all know I hate blind dates. But when this friend insisted for weeks that he wanted to set me up with someone who he thought would be good for me, I gave in. Just to humour him. For the sole purpose of getting him off my back. And when I met him, I regretted not accepting earlier. He was many tiny bits of perfection all rolled up in one. From all those things you look for in a man (quit judging, you have them too) to the way he made me feel. Two hours, our first date lasted. Nine. The number of dates we had in that first week.

And guess what? No Walls. Not even when I tried to bring them up manually. He’s a Christian. Which for me, is a big plus. He wasn’t too anxious to hop in and out of bed with me, which for me (forgive my condescending prudishness), only earned him brownie points, because I wanted to get to know him first. I didn’t want to make any mistakes with this one, you rush, you crush, so they say. Six weeks we dated, undefined. 42 days we bonded, got close. A month and a half of getting to know each other gradually. Slowly. Then we decided to narrow it down. Focus on us… stop the search and be exclusive. Be official.

I haven’t been here for a while. Happy…. At peace… knowing no major pains, watching a classic James Bond film as I write this…. Calm and collected. But maybe I should just blame the meds. We all know those and how they can mess me up, right? Well… they’re messing me up real bad right now. Cause while Bard has urged me not to resist the urge to cry, I find myself completely unable to, not even when I’ve just been dumped. Via text.

In case you’re wondering, yes. He used that line. It’s not you, it’s me.

Sunday Ramblings: Dear God...

noreply@blogger.com (Random) — Sun, 19 Aug 2012 08:09:00 +0000

Dear God,

It's me again. You're probably wondering why I have taken to writing to you more than I speak to you, but I believe it's not just my mouth that speaks, but the heart. I write not what I think, but what I feel, what I fear, what I crave. I write to you because I have hopes and fears; desires; longings. I write my prayers because sometimes I want to go back and remember what I asked you for, and hope that over the years, you have answered those prayers.

Lord, today, now, this moment, I have a lot to be thankful for. My life is in a good place, in general. I have a job that I love, though it still doesn't pay much. My family is finding its feet, and I believe all will be well in time. But today Lord, I have a prayer, a request, a plea. I don't even know if I can make it, or if I should make it.Growing up, there was a joke that even thieves pray before they go out to steal. I don't know if their success meant you answered their prayers as against those for security from those who are robbed.

I'm a sinner. No denying. But Lord, I have learnt over the years that as long as I'm still here, I have a chance. You love me just the way I am. In spite of who I am. You look on me just like any other sinful child of yours. You take care of me. And I know that because I can hardly find any other explanation for the successes and protection I've had in this life.

I come to you today with a matter of the heart. You know me Lord, inside and outside. I can't even hide anything from you even if I wanted to. You know what I've been up to the last few days. You know what has been running through my mind. You know that I recently met someone. I don't know yet how I feel about him. But I know that given time, I might like him. Maybe I even think I do already. I just want to know what to do. I need wisdom. I need guidance. I need discernment. I need your help to know what is right.

He seems perfect. Almost too perfect. He is a lot of things I have been looking for all rolled up in one. He's single, and I can tell he likes me. Lord, if you've sent him my way, please don't let me mess this one up. Give me the patience. Give me the grace to know when to do what. Help me to treat him right, and to play my cards right. Help me through all the decision making. And Lord if he isn't the one, let me know before I put anything into this, or before he does.

And if we end up together, please bless that relationship. Give me the patience to love him in spite of his weaknesses. And give me the grace to be the right man for him. Give me the strength to go through all the lows and the hardships, and the joy for the ups and highs. Give me clarity, give me wisdom, give me the ability to keep him happy, and most of all, give me love. Selfless love and understanding. Yes Lord, understanding.

There are many things I pray for Lord, you know my heart better than I do, and I pray you grant all those things, and more. I know the blessing of God makes rich and adds no sorrow. I pray for no sorrow. But even if the sorrow comes, I pray for the maturity and strength to go through it and get the best out of it. I pray for many things, but I pray most for your will.

I love you Lord.

Random.

Sunday Ramblings: Wants and the Lucky to Have Nots

noreply@blogger.com (Random) — Sun, 12 Aug 2012 19:40:00 +0000

I didn't go to church today (Yaay me!!!) so today's Ramblings are not exactly going to be from a sermon. Instead, I'm going to try and cook up a story and hope we can get something out of it.

There once was a kid, let's call him Johnny. Johnny was eight, brilliant, and loved soccer. He was well ahead of his colleagues in school in basically everything. His grades were stellar, he knew more about computers and tech than his classmates and even those ahead of him, and he could play more positions on the soccer team than any other of his colleagues. But Johnny had a challenge. His health was not as good as he had wanted it to be. He had a heart disease that limited him on many fronts, especially sports.

Meet one of Johnny's classmates, Tommy. Tommy was not so much like Johnny. He wasn't daft, but he wasn't spectacular in class. He could barely play any sports, and though he had one of the fastest typing speeds in his class, he didn't know too much about computers. He was just average at everything, and because of that, no one really noticed him. And that bothered him.

Interestingly, the two envied each other. Tommy envied Johnny, not just for his obvious success in the various areas of his life, but also his sickness. In his mind, it brought Johnny all the love and attention that Tommy so greatly desired. He knew that even if he improved his grades and worked harder at sports, he might never be as good as Johnny, but somehow, he was convinced that if he was unwell, then he'd get all the attention and love like Johnny did. But he never faked illness. I guess he was just too afraid to do it.

Johnny, on the other hand, envied Tommy. And like Tommy, it wasn't for the obvious reasons, like Tommy's good health. Instead, Johnny perceived Tommy to be at peace. He had it all sorted, and wasn't always being compelled to smile and say thank you for each card that came in, or smell each bunch of flowers that was brought and pretend to love it. He was tired of appearing strong for all the people to see. He was tired of all the attention. All Johnny wanted was to be a loner, like Tommy.

None knew what the other wanted. Neither knew of the other's envy for him. No word was ever said. Johnny died, eventually, and Tommy was sad, for now he didn't know who to envy. Johnny's biggest regret was not that he was dying young, but that he didn't live a life as peaceful as Tommy did.

Our lives are often lived like this. We want what we see in others, and the others, more often than not, want what they see in us. We're never content. Never glad to be just who we are. This story might not say so much about where I am right now. It's a rather dark and confused place. So dark and confused I envy people with those panic attacks that make them black out for days. I just want to be out of commission for a while.

Like Tommy, I wish people would pay attention to my real hurts just once. Like Johnny, I wish people were not all up in my business. Like Tommy, I know there are things I'm not cut out for, but struggle to do them nonetheless. Like Johnny, I wish I wasn't so good at some of the things I do, for it makes me easy to take advantage of. Like Tommy, I wish people looked beyond my weaknesses and loved me for who I am. Like Johnny, I wish people didn't turn me into a hero, but instead saw me as just the human being that I am.

But none of that is about to happen. I just might be lucky not to have what I wish I had. I just wish what I wished for me was what everyone else wished for me.

Also, I wish I was a stripper.

Sunday Ramblings: Form and Substance

noreply@blogger.com (Random) — Sun, 05 Aug 2012 19:35:00 +0000

A few days ago, a reader remarked to me that he noticed the blog looked different. He thought he was at the wrong page, till he read a few lines. In spite of the lay out, he knew he was home when he read the content. A few minutes ago, this blog hit the 30,000 views mark. Now, I know that's not much. Some sites get that many views an hour. But considering I started this blog as a personal diary of sorts, that sometimes got no more than five views a week, all I can say is we've come a long way.

This blog has gone through several forms... I've experimented with designs, both from blogger and other third parties, and I've used several tools here and there to spice it up a little. I think the most popular design was probably the stained glass theme.... But regardless of what design has been reigning at whatever time, I'd like to believe the substance has remained pretty much the same. In general at least. Of course, I hope there has been growth. I know there have been different feelings, moods, emotions, thoughts, views, etc. But in spite of all that, I hope it has all been real, honest, and that it spoke to someone.

Several times in life, we meet situations that present the conflict between form and substance. Whether in a requisition at office, an application for a job or placement, a newspaper article, a sermon at church... the content may be right, but very often, if it is not in the required form or order, it will be rejected, frowned upon, or even criticised.

Today, I realised that it doesn't matter what my substance is. It doesn't matter how much I've achieved in life. It doesn't matter how far I go or what I do in life. As soon as the world realises I'm gay, they will forget all my substance, and focus on the new form they think I've taken on. Of course, this doesn't apply in all cases, but it does, at least, apply as a general rule. They may be only two people, but my parents are general rule enough. The day they realise I'm gay, I will be as nothing to them, regardless of the fact that I've hitherto been the blue-eyed-boy.

I know. I've seen it. And it scares me.

This too Shall Pass

noreply@blogger.com (Random) — Sun, 29 Jul 2012 10:51:00 +0000

We stared at each other in silence, our thoughts interrupted momentarily by the waves below. The sun had just set over the horizon, with the lake reflecting the orange and purple hues of the evening sky. There was a light breeze on this warm evening, and save for the odd bird or two finding their nests in the trees, all was calm. Quiet. Peaceful.

We looked into each other's eyes, our fingers interlocked and resting on his lap. The bench I had so often walked by seemed like the right place to be. Everything was as anyone would have wished for. I could see it in his eyes, and I knew it was coming. He leaned forward, slowly, and his lips met mine. A light brush at first, and then our lips parted to allow this moment of intimacy to be consumed. Our hands found their way round each other's necks, and we locked in an intimate embrace. But it was dry.

I can't tell why exactly it didn't sweep me off my feet. Maybe I just wasn't in love with him and thought I was. Maybe I wasn't ready to be in love, or to love for that matter. Or maybe it was the walls, ever efficient and keeping my heart shielded. Or maybe it was the fact that while we had been dating, he was making out with one of my best friends.

But I thought I was over that? I decided as soon as I found out that I would not let it get in the way. I wouldn't let it bother me. It wouldn't affect me in any way. That was the plan. I'd let it in through one ear and out through the other. I thought I was strong enough to do that. Decent enough even. I'm always about being civil, and so I decided that since this was his first relationship, maybe he had no idea what to do. He didn't know what was and what was not okay to do.

And so I began. Another journey of making excuses. Excuses, not for my mistakes, but for the flaws of others. Excuses... looking for a way I might somehow keep them around, in spite of their weaknesses and the pain it would bring me.

He was in heaven. Best kiss he'd ever had. He was happy. He loved me, and had no doubt in his heart about it. That was the first time we kissed even after seeing each other for over two months. It should have been awesome, but it wasn't. And neither were the next few weeks. Everything spiralled out of control after that. He later admitted it, less as an admission than as a jab at me during an argument. Accompanied by a flurry of hurtful, mean things to say to anyone. And I had done no wrong.

I was confused. Hurt. In pain. I'm not good at break ups, and I didn't want to break up. If it can even be called that. For now, I choose to go with termination. A wise man has taught me to re-evaluate the meaning of the word 'relationship', and I am finding that this wasn't one. But why did it hurt? Why was it painful to see him go, to go through all the things he put me through?

And my friend... Why did it hurt this much? He went silent around the same time as my almost boyfriend told me about them. I know he had other issues, but I thought we were friends? We both had issues, and that would have been a good time to be there for each other. The triangle notwithstanding. I'd have appreciated him being there for me at least. It would have made the pain easier to bear.

But I know he had his own issues to sort out. It just hurt that he'd leave me to go through this alone. I'm better now. I friend-zoned the boy, couldn't bring myself to cut him off entirely. If I can't be his man, I can at least be his friend. Help him find his feet in this mean and crazy world.

As for my friend? Everyone thinks I should 'acquaintance-zone' him. It would make things better, easier, less awkward, and if he made out with anyone I was dating in the future, he wouldn't be my best friend, so it would be a lesser evil. I'm not sure I can do it though. We've been through too much. I'd like to patch things up. Go back to the old friendship days, though I know it will never be quite the same. Still, it is worth the try.

Oh! Life!

Watcha lookin' 4 - Kirk Franlin

This Hero Needs a Hero

noreply@blogger.com (Random) — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 19:03:00 +0000

When Beyonce sang that rather relatable song, save the hero, she had me in mind. I'm not saying I'm a hero. No. I'm not. But I'm pretty damn close in some people's lives. I have a lot on my plate. More than the average person should. All my friends have a lot on their plates, enough to spill over to mine. And what do we do? We heap it all on Random's plate.

I'm not complaining. No. I love being there for everyone around me. I love to be the shoulder they can lean on when they need a propping, and that guy they can run to for any kind of help or advice. Also, that is what is going to lead me to the grave. Sadly.

I feel like I'm paying so much attention to the problems of others; friends, family, clients, that no one seems to realise I have the capacity to have problems. This is compounded by the fact that some of my friends are, due to some their issues that are partly on my plate, not available. Not even for a customary 'hey, hope you slept well last night.'

Meh! That's my general attitude right now. I'm just.... Meh! I'm focusing all my energies on Bard, I won't let you down bro. We'll get through the next few days. We have no choice. There was no blue pill option. It's time for us to embrace that for which we were made. I made you a promise, and God help my poor soul if I go back on it.

As for everything else, I just wish there was a reset button. Clear cache, erase memory, and build afresh. I need to just do a hard reset, forget everything, and select what I need when I reboot. I know it sounds radical, but I'm contemplating being an island for a while, shedding off some things (and some people) and trying to live life on a fresh page.

But ah! Well...

Sunday Ramblings? Meh!

noreply@blogger.com (Random) — Sun, 08 Jul 2012 17:57:00 +0000

Dear God,

I know you're listening. All I want is to go to bed and 2012 is done. Pardon my French, but fuck this year!

The end.

Sunday Ramblings: The Valley of Dry Bones

noreply@blogger.com (Random) — Sun, 17 Jun 2012 18:51:00 +0000

The first time I read Ezekiel's vision of the valley of dry bones, and indeed throughout all my Christian life, I understood it to be a story of restoration. It has always been to me a revelation of God's mercy, of how he takes our brokenness, restores us and makes us who we're supposed to be. He breathes a new life into our lifeless beings and makes us strong; armies to go out and live this life.

I haven't had much of a bad life. Granted I've had my odd sadness and pain here and there, but it's not been such a bad life. And yet many times, I feel like the valley of dry bones is the story of my life. I've had challenges here and there, especially with family, my closet, career, and even my faith. Many times, I have felt that some of those parts of my life have been dead, dysfunctional, undesirable. I have felt like I got a raw deal, or that in one way or other, I had been cheated out of a lot of possibilities.

Right now, I feel like my life is at different stages in the story of the dry bones. Some areas are still just that: dry bones. Others, are bones with flesh and sinew and skin. Others.... well... let's just say they have received that breath from the four winds, and, as I'd imagine happens when you suddenly come to life, are finding their feet and their bearing, considering they've been dead for God knows how long. Some, not so many I think, if any, are already that great army, waiting for orders from their leader, to go out and conquer large territories.

I am thankful for many things. I'm thankful for life. I know sometimes I think some things would have been better (for me at least) if I had not come this far, but I'm more than thankful for being here. I'm thankful for family. We have been battered, we have been stretched, we have been pushed and pulled, but we have learnt how strong we are through the different challenges. As a local saying goes, "when it rains, you know where the leaks are." Our family has always been open, but recent events have continually revealed to us where the loopholes are, and we are trying to close those up.

I'm thankful for friends, near and far, old and new. I have no idea how I would have remained sane without you guys. I really can't find the words to say how much y'all mean to me. I'm thankful for career. It's been a bit challenging, but things are taking shape now. I'm thankful for all those tiny things we take for granted: a smile, a cup of tea, friends (I know many times we take some for granted), electricity, hot water.... everything. I'm thankful for all I have, and even that which I do not have. I'm thankful beyond words.

I had never really bothered how the valley of dry bones came to be. Goes to show how bad it is to read Scripture out of context. In Ezekiel 36, God's anger towards the Israelites is nothing short of shocking. He describes how their way was like the uncleanness of a woman in her customary impurity.

Wait, what? If I feel like the valley of dry bones is the story of my life, I once was like menstrual waste? Yea. Gross, I know. But what? Well.... I am a sinner, no denying. Maybe even my homosexuality makes me a worse sinner than my neighbour, but I hate to think that I was that bad. We all hate to think it. Whether you're a Christian or not, or believe in everyone's favourite bitch (karma), we don't want to think of ourselves as being bad. And when we do, we don't think of ourselves as that bad.

What goes round, comes around. I had my fair share of bad, pain, misfortune, sadness.... and still tried to be good. Whether God is rewarding me for the good, or karma doing me a good turn, or the universe rewarding my endurance - whatever way you look at it - my tides are changing. And for the better.

I'm ready to march out of this valley of dry bones. I'm ready to get that which is mine. I know crawling out of the valley will involve scaling some sheer cliff faces and a lot of rugged terrain, but let me remind you: these are brand new muscles and tendons on this well rested skeleton.

Dreams

noreply@blogger.com (Random) — Tue, 22 May 2012 18:21:00 +0000

I've been having dreams. A few weeks now, and I haven't mentioned them to anyone, not except one, which left me thankful for my friends and their lives. The ones that I've been having for over a month now have all revolved around my brother. They are varied, some violent, others sad, most of them painful, none of them happy. In all of them, I cry. Not just in the dream, but in the real world too.

They are bothering me. I am tired of waking up to a tear stained pillow a few mornings every week. And while I brushed them off as just dreams at first, they are beginning to affect my daily life. It's hard to go through a day happy when you woke up in pain and tears. I don't even know what's bringing them on, except of course what has been happening, but I thought I was well insulated this time.

I usually have answers, for a vast diversity of stuff, but this time, I'm not sure I do. Not for myself at least. I may have survived the bulk of the pain when things were happening, but these dreams are chipping away at my happiness. I don't like it.

I hope y'all are better than I am. If anyone knows how I can wake up smiling, I'd be glad for the pointers.

Immune

noreply@blogger.com (Random) — Wed, 16 May 2012 06:23:00 +0000

It is real. I have seen it in the eyes of those who look at me like I’m not from this part of the world, or even this world. I have seen it on the scowled faces of the people whose faces go blank when I walk by. I have heard it in the disgusted voices of the people that can’t stand my hairstyle, or the tightness of my jeans. I have felt it in the silence that covers a table like a blanket when I sit down for lunch. It has burned me up when a person that used to say hi to me daily declines to take an elevator with me. It has angered me when I discovered that the ‘compliments’ I got from that random guy throughout the day, were actually questions to other girls as to whether they envied me. Fuck strange languages.

Speaking of strange languages, I sat in silence the other day as these mamas in their forties talked about me, and how, they think I’m gay. My dressing was too tight, my hair was too styled, and I only talk to people I know. According to them, I would have been more respectable if I were dressed in a suit that ‘fits’ me well, instead of my kid sister’s jeans. They spoke in Luganda, and I kept a straight face, pausing the music in my earphones to get a better hearing. I absorbed all this, like I had no idea what language they were speaking.

Two days later, I walked up to them, greeted them in perfect Luganda, and proceeded to have a conversation with them. In Luganda. Well… more with myself since their mouths had ran dry and their faces had gone blank. When they had managed to speak, I gathered they were here for a workshop on something I did not consider very relevant. My turn came to explain my presence, and I told them I was doing my masters degree. Their shock turned into shame. Respectable you said? One of them still couldn’t speak. And all she said was: ‘You’ve spoken Luganda all this time?’

Well listen woman, clothes don’t make a person dignified or respectable. A person either is or is not respectable. Period. I am not my hair, and neither am I the way I dress. Of course, I will not go to work on a Monday morning in jeans and a t-shirt, even though I would want to. But even if I did, that would not reduce my abilities to perform my duties better than you ever will. You want to insult me? Walk a mile in my shoes. That way, you’ll have a mile’s head start and a better pair of shoes.\

We speak of homophobia mostly from the way we’re treated by others. But what about the way we treat ourselves and fellow LGBTI people? Why are we afraid to hang out with gay people, just in case people think we’re gay too? Why am I afraid to come out? I know it is not only the homophobia of others I’m afraid of. Why am I not bold enough to be who I am? Why am I afraid of being gay in this world?

More than the homophobia of other people around me, I want to see my own homophobia come to an end. I want to be able to be gay, regardless of who says what or who feels how. I want to be able to be myself, to embrace even the most flamboyant of all gay people, even in the plain sight of my family. I want to be able to be gay without fear of losing my name or alleged dignity.

Tomorrow is IDAHO, if I have my dates right. And my prayer for this year, is that I move past my own homophobia. For too long I have complained about the homophobia around me, and not done anything about my own. Have you? Are you a gay homophobe? Well… Do something. That is all I ask.

Avert

noreply@blogger.com (Random) — Sun, 06 May 2012 18:37:00 +0000

That is the title of the song I’m listening to right now. I don’t even know what the song itself is about. It’s the title I’m more specifically interested in. I’m at a tricky point in my life. There is a lot going on, and I feel like every thing comes with something for me to avert. Usually a crisis of sorts.

Take my heart for example. It has a knack for looking for love in the wrong places. Right now, it is sprung over two people with whom it would not be practical to pursue a relationship. One of them is almost perfect, only because no one really is. More than I’d want in a man. Someone I want to be around all the time, respectable, focused, independent, mature, much more than I can write down. And yet for several reasons, I just can’t be with him. The other is slightly less perfect, has a lot going in his favour, and a little more against him.

Still, my heart has considered it a good idea to be torn between the two. It has decided it might be nice to try and chase it’s dreams, be fulfilled where fulfilment ought not to be sought.

I’m a little low. Mushy even. In part disappointed in myself, in part hurt – in pain. The pain of knowing that that which we so strongly desire cannot be. It is all but vanity. A chasing after the wind. I guess my playlist isn’t helping much. Almost like it is reading what I’m writing, it plays break even – The Script. Makes sense though. Except this time there are two major lines along which my heart is breaking.

Breaking? Does it qualify to be called heartbreak when the other party has no idea what’s going on? Well they do. At least I’m sure one does. I’ve only talked about it once with the perfect one, and several times with the less perfect one. In both cases, it is clear to all involved that pursuing anything wouldn’t be a good idea, for whatever reasons. I guess it is time to walk.

I’ll be fine, eventually. I just hope they understand that I love them. Regardless.

I’ll be off now.

Lonely day – System of a Down. I swear my playlist hates me.

Confessions

noreply@blogger.com (Random) — Wed, 02 May 2012 07:23:00 +0000

Sometimes in life, I wonder why I do some of the things I do. Many times, I feel like the time and energy I expend on them could be used elsewhere, like I’m misappropriating resources. At other times, I feel like I should just give up, quit, stop. Most times, I feel justified. I feel like I have gone far enough. Like I have reached the end of a journey – the end of my rope, like there is absolutely no reason for me to pursue a matter any further.

I’m just an ordinary man. A guy that wakes up at a regular time every morning, goes through a very regular routine to prepare for a very regular day, which may or may not have some excitement planned for him. I’m just that guy you might pass on the street like he doesn’t exist, or if he does, like it doesn’t make a difference if he’s there. There might be something different about me, but nothing that would distract you long enough to keep me in your memory for long.

Daily, I make choices, I make decisions. Daily, I reach turning points, I turn pages and open new chapters, occasionally closing old ones. Each day, I grow. Every day, I become a person different from who I was the previous day, yet retaining the much needed consistency to continue fitting in.

More often than not, I come across something that impacts heavily on my life. A story here, a text there, a song, a blog post, a tweet. Sometimes even the most unlikely phrases or events affect me in ways I had not been able to foresee before.

I have a confession to make. Over the last few weeks, I have been thinking of closing this blog. I thought I would just wrap it up, stop writing and move on to other things, greater or otherwise. This was supposed to be me saying good bye, closing this chapter and hopefully opening a new one. Or even a new book altogether. This was supposed to be a thank you note, thanking you all for reading whenever I pour myself out to you. This was supposed to be a prayer, asking you to think of me and hope that all goes well with me and my future. This was supposed to be me signing out, saying adieu.

A few days ago, I had a conversation with someone. A reader. That conversation might have passed off as just any other, but it did not. Not for me. This reader told me how this blog has affected not just him, but even those around him, and that humbled me.

When I put up that first post exactly two years ago, I had no idea where I was going with this. I had no idea what to expect. I was as bleak as they come. You have seen the direction it has taken. You have been there through the highs and lows. You have been there through the sad times, the happy times, the gaffs, the tension…. The whole nine yards. You have seen me coming out to different people in my life, and yet struggle with this closet. You have seen the various struggles I have had with my family and others around me. The comments, tweets, emails, phone calls and all communication I’ve got makes me feel like you have been through all my pain and all my joy.

Today, I come to say thank you. Today, I come to say it’s been great, and you have been a great family to me. Some of you I have never met, might even never meet. I know there are readers of this blog that might even be real people in my life, people I know, and who know me. School mates, colleagues, maybe we even go to the same church. Thank you for checking back.

Today, I am here to ask you for your prayers. Yes, I need them. My journey is far from over. My life has only just begun, unless it ends tonight, tomorrow, or soon after. I need your support, your guidance, your help as I continue to live. You have pushed me this far, don’t give up on me. It’s been a great two years, more views than I thought were possible, and more emotions than anyone can imagine.

Here’s to another great year ahead. I’m not leaving. It’s not in my nature to quit.

Of Blind Dates and All Things Risky (read drama)

noreply@blogger.com (Random) — Tue, 24 Apr 2012 18:47:00 +0000

I have learnt many things in this not very short life of mine. One of the many lessons is that blind dates are only called that because they open your eyes. Yes, you go there blind (hence the name) and leave with more sight than you ever thought you could have.

In my early days of self discovery, I went on many blind dates, three quarters of these worse than the last. Each time, I resolved not to go on another one, and yet two days later, I'd be in the same restaurant, same table, different face. And the cycle would repeat.

I think the final nail in my 'blind dating' coffin was a guy I went to meet, and when he walked in asking everyone "Are you Random?", the best I could do was switch off my phone, pretend to be someone else, and sneak out as soon as it seemed like I would not raise suspicion. I left the place hoping he had not followed, and as far as I can remember, I never ever used that number again. I might have even trashed it.

Am I mean? Optimist says I'm ~~one of~~ the meanest he knows. Am I a snob? Yes. Variously self confessed. And I'm pretty sure that even if I had not been all those things, I'd still have fled from that date. Hideous does not even begin to describe him. Furtive, definitely. And many other things too. Definitely not my type. And his demeanour explained his 'different' English. So I fled. And that was the end.

For over three years, I said no to blind dates, except maybe the occasional one where I met someone I've chatted with for two years, and has been met by some people I trust, and they recommend him. Even those did not go beyond three in the three years. But then recently, I was particularly feeling the one in the mood to meet every Tom Dick and Harry that came my way, though I was not bold enough for a long time.

When I finally decided to get back in, I had forgotten how to do it. I had forgotten a lot of things, and just agreed to meet this guy. It was supposed to be just a chat, nothing more. How I ended up at his place, even when he fit the bill of 'not my type', I have no idea. I will not go into details, but somehow, I did not leave his place with all my stuff. No, nothing happened. I didn't even have a drink, so I wasn't drugged or anything like that. How he did it, only a smooth one like him would know. I just told my friends, who teased me about it for a while, and moved on quickly. Needless to say, there was no call back.

Even more recently (like this week), I set up a date to meet this guy I've been chatting with for a while. Nice chap, coherent, friendly, and we talked this long without even mentioning sex. We exchanged numbers, and I decided to do a background check on him. See if he was worth meeting, or if I knew him. Well.... isn't it a small world? Yea. He's the guy my ex (of two years ago) was having an affair with when we broke up.

I have half a heart to meet him, see what drama I can stir up, especially since my ex has indicated that he wants a second shot with me, and a shot with my best friend....

LIfe! Gotta love it.

Sunday Ramblings - Adiemus

noreply@blogger.com (Random) — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 19:53:00 +0000

I wrote many months ago (September 2010 I believe) that a song that is timeless for me is Adiemus.I don't believe it means anything, but this song does songs to me, and right now, it is just how I feel. That is all I can state.

PS. Remember the guy from a few posts ago I met at church? I met him again today, and he's a very nice guy. And this time, I got a name, and made sure he got mine too. :)