Random Thoughts on Specific Things

Three Months Later...

2010-11-06T16:54:00.002-04:00

I just read my last post about the new man in my life and where we stood after just a couple of dates. I was worried that he was rushing into this and wouldn't be able to keep it up.

When guys come out of the gate and get so intense so soon, either there's something I can't live with or (more often) he loses interest almost as fast.

Today marks three months since our first date and I could not be happier.

Brian is a perfect gentleman, sweet, romantic, intelligent, funny, and has a fantastic body. We enjoy many of the same things when it comes to dating and spending time together. And yes, sexually, we're perfectly compatible. It's amazing.

I feel like we've been together far longer than three months. We've reached a level of comfort with each other that seems more like three years -- only with way more sex!

I may regret typing the next words but I'm doing it anyway. I want to marry this man. I love him and want to live my life with him. He makes me feel as though THIS is why I had to stay single all these years. I was waiting just for him.

I love you Brian. Happy three month anniversary.

Too Much Too Soon?

2010-08-21T11:39:00.001-04:00

As I sit here in Baton Rouge Airport, I can think of little else besides my upcoming reunion with the new man in my life.

Since I've been away for work and he has been on vacation, we have maintained constant contact in some form or another. Mostly, he has been texting me or writing sweet emails.

Within a day or two of leaving, he was texting how much he missed me already. It just so happened that I felt the same way. I, too, was riding the high of our successful first dates and really wanted to see him again. But the open expression caught me completely off guard.

Alright, it didn't just surprise me. It also got me to thinking: is this already moving to quickly? Why is this guy so fast to declare himself? Is this a really bad sign?

Now, if you read and believe books like "He's Just Not That Into You", you know that when a guy is really into you, they will go out on that limb. They will try to see you again immediately and spend a lot of time with you. However, this has just never been my experience -- even with the ones who really liked me.

Plus, I'm just so jaded from all my bad experiences. I find it really difficult to believe that this will be anything more than any of the other pathetic romantic outings have been: an exercise in futility and an ego crushing sadness.

I'm trying to return to DC with an open mind and open heart. I so want to believe that he is a really great guy who really likes me and has good intentions.

Despite the fact that history has taught me that it just isn't likely.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Long Distance with a Local Guy

2010-08-15T23:16:00.001-04:00

A few months back a new man appeared in our NOAA office. I saw him around sometimes, but he wasn't in my division. Tall, handsome, and very personable, I knew he had caught the eye of many women in the building.

By early July, I was put on the oil spill communications team and was suddenly in meetings with this man. I'll admit, I was curious.
No wedding ring.

He doesn't really fit the manager mold in our office. He dresses casually and usually sports a little beard growth. But there was always something attractive and interesting about him and I feel myself drawn to him.

So it came as a very pleasant surprise when he started to flirt with me and approached the subject of dinner. We went back and forth and I made a date with EBH for Saturday night. Not satisfied to wait, he asked me to coffee the next morning.

That was a Friday, so he emailed me that afternoon to go to the local wine bar after work too. It was fabulous. We sat and talked for five hours without noticing another person in the place or even the time flying by.

Sometime during the evening we kissed and it was fantastic. By then, I knew it would be. The kind of kiss that makes your mind go completely blank for at least a minute after.

Our date Saturday night was also fabulous except I preferred the more intimate setting of the wine bar to the loud restaurant where we sat a mile apart at a huge table.

This man brought me flowers for our date Saturday and rode the Metro all the way to the airport to see me off to Baton Rouge, Sunday. I've had a silly grin on my face ever since.

Now, every fiber of my being is screaming: Don't get too excited about this. You get excited, and then it goes right down the toilet.

But I want to get excited. I want to let myself enjoy this. I want to fall in love dammit! I want to ignore the red flags for a little while and just LIKE him without worrying that every little thing will turn out to be a major character flaw and I will end up alone and embarrassed again.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Clarity is Such a Drag

2010-07-12T21:48:00.001-04:00

I hate these moments. I'm cruising along through life, just doing my thing, then all of a sudden, WHAM! Clarity.

It's then that I can see what is always staring me in the face, but I so deftly avoid seeing. Oh, sure, deep down inside I know what's there. But denial is a powerful self-preservation tool.

Almost a year ago, a couple of friends began revealing to me the degraded state of their marriage. The husband went farther: he propositioned me after the wife had gone to bed. He suggested that we be friends with benefits.

For eight months he persisted. For eight months I demurred, denied, and squirmed my way out of ever doing anything. Sure, there was a drunken kiss I regret to this day. But I was so careful not to lead him on. I actually worried about his feelings. Unreal.

I wasn't particularly attracted to him. I always thought of him as my goofy neighbor. This man has never made a secret of the fact that he wants nothing more than to save his marriage. So what the hell does that make me? He professes to adore me and have nothing but the utmost respect for me, but how much respect could he have if I'm nothing but a plaything? Someone to fill the physical void left by his wife.

As to the clarity I first wrote of: I am so keenly aware that I was treated as little more than a whore he was trying hire.

See, clarity is a drag.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Techno-babble

2010-07-11T10:19:00.001-04:00

First, let me say that this post is really just a test to see how well this blog manager for iPad works.

When I bought my Apple iPad I was immediately enamored and failed to notice some of the drawbacks. One of them being that I can easily update my blogs but for some stupid reason, I cannot post photos. Such a simple thing and so frustrating to be unable to do it!

As the commercial says: "There's an App for that!"

For a mere $2.99 I can manage all my blogs, post, and have PHOTOS! Supposedly. That's the purpose of this post. I need to test this wonderful app. So let's get started, shall we?

The posting process is simple so far... Type the blog entry as an email.
I am about to click the little camera icon up top to add a photo.
Since I posted about my new job at NOAA, let's add a photo from my recent business trip to Juneau, Alaska. Here I am hiking to the top of Mt. Roberts.

Wow, not bad. The photo is embedded in the email. I should try another...

This is a shot I took when I hiked to Mendenhall Glacier.

Now the true test. We must actually post this baby. Gonna hit save and cross my fingers. Hopefully, I will be reading this just like you are on my blog!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

A Whole New World

2010-07-10T20:43:00.003-04:00

As I was trying to create a new career by going back to school, a funny thing happened. I started to run out of money! (imagine that!?)

Faced with tuition, rent, and my last $10,000 in savings, I began looking in ernest for a new job. Just something I could live on, but not commit to, while I was finishing my degree. I considered Starbucks and applied for administrative assistant positions but made no progress.

It was January when I received an email from my friend, L, instructing me to send my resume to her husband, P, immediately. There was an opening at his office and they would help me get my foot in the door. We were way beyond Starbucks, now. P is in a power position at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA). This job was through a federal government contractor, so I applied with IMSG and began the interview process at NOAA. I didn't land that job.

A few weeks later, P told me there was a job opening for which I am infinitely more qualified and that I should submit my resume for that position instead. I applied to be a Communications Specialist in the Office of Habitat Conservation, interviewed, waited anxiously, and finally landed the job.

But this was no "job". This, as it turns out, is an entire career. A career I really love.

Some of my infatuation, I'm sure, is the novelty of it all. I am so clearly in the honeymoon-phase of this career. However, even in the most stressful moments and after the longest days, I have such an intense feeling of accomplishment and pride in what I am doing.

It's not just the work, I like many of the people with whom I work.

I still don't miss radio or regret the decision to leave. And now with NOAA to fill my need for mental stimulation, I know that this was fate. I was meant to move on to this whole new world.

The More Things Change

2010-05-17T22:43:00.005-04:00

I spent months trying to make something happen with LDB. I knew he wanted me but I couldn't seem to make it happen. Now I have confirmation.
LDB was trying to connect and we finally managed to have a conversation longer than 5 mins and not in the form of text message. We covered all the usual things before I got up the nerve to ask him if he was seeing anyone. Of course, the answer was yes. He said it wasn't serious. That it was light and casual. It still cut me in half.

He said that he was trying to be careful because he knew I wanted a serious relationship and that he couldn't give me that, but he wanted to keep me in his life.

I was hurt, so I told him what I have been doing. I lashed out and I know it hurt him.

I admitted to him that I knew we could never be more because he wants children and I can't have them. This he doesn't believe -- or doesn't want to accept. For every reason we weren't right for each other that I brought up, he found ways to counter it. But the underlying pain when he said that he was glad I "have someone" and that I'm "happy" and that he doesn't have to worry about me...it betrayed him completely.

Where the f*** was this when I needed it? Why couldn't he say these things when I desperately wanted him to want me?

He sat theree tonight telling me how hot and fun I am. What a cool girl I am. He even said over and over what an amazing mother I would be. Now. He says this NOW.

Unbelieveable.

Meanwhile, I have heard NOTHING from the other one. NOTHING.
I was so arrogant. So full of myself. I actually believed that the problem would be that HE would get all moony over ME. That his feelings would be strong and misplaced and cause issues.

Yet again... The joke's on me.

Distractions

2010-03-03T10:38:00.003-05:00

It's too funny.

For years I refused to get caught up in the hype that surrounded many of the books, movies, and TV shows which became popular during my years in radio. Frankly, most of them were geared toward teens and I just flat-out could not relate (not that I ever really made the effort).

One of the projects Mark and I both avoided was the Twilight series. The first of the "tween" books came out in October, 2005 and quickly became a phenomenon. However, no one expected us - at the ages of 30 and 38 - to read the books. Shortly after this, Mark and his wife even became addicted to High School Musical but still seemed to ignore the whole teen-emo-vampire extravaganza.

Even when the Twilight movie came out and we interviewed Ashley Greene (Alice Cullen) and I ADORED her, I still didn't cave: these books and movies were for for screaming teenagers! I DO NOT like vampires. It's beneath me! AND, Robert Pattinson is NOT that attractive!!! (She says, *sniffing* with her nose in the air)

But the seed had been planted. I was getting curious. I was seeing more and more older women reading the books and I started toying with the idea. Perhaps after my long list of Tudor reading, I would consider it.

Life became complicated with being unemployed for more than a year, fighting with my sister and lack of a love life. I wasn't even getting the same escape from my Tudor books anymore. I needed something new, so I took the plunge. I'd watched the Twilight movie on Showtime and didn't hate it. I ordered the novel the next day.

Within a few chapters, I knew I had to order the other three books so that there was no wait-time between. That was it, I was hooked. It proved to be the distraction I needed.

Oh the irony - now I would LOVE to have the radio show to use it as a cover for my new addiction!!! (Not to mention the movie premieres and interviews with the stars!) Ugh... I'm pathetic.

The Ebb and Flow

2010-03-01T11:47:00.002-05:00

I have moved from my English basement apartment in NW DC into a townhouse in Silver Spring just blocks from the Woodside neighborhood where I owned my first home. Besides moving for the benefit of in-state tuition, I needed the peace of mind that the neighborhood would provide and the green space for Bailey. It has been working out very well - I love it here.

That alone has helped buoy my mood for a couple of months but there was a genuine contentment there as well. I finally felt settled.

Over the past two weeks, I've noticed something creeping in again. I can't put my finger on it. It's not exactly sadness -- at least not yet. But it's definitely a restless or empty feeling. Sadly, I know this feeling well. It's my cycle of depression that abates for a while and then returns with a vengeance.

At least I'm rational right now and can think it through... that won't be the case if/when hits.

It's a little like laying on a beach and feeling high tide coming and knowing that there will be a period of time where my head will be under water and I won't be able to breath. I know that the tide will ebb but I won't know when I can breath again. I will panic but I will let it take me because I have no control. Darkness, despair, etc...

Sometimes I fight it and sometimes I let go and allow it to consume me. I'm just not sure which I will choose in the coming weeks.

Goodbye Honey

2010-03-01T11:23:00.003-05:00

Although this will mean little to anyone else... I want to take a moment to say goodbye to a woman I'd known since childhood. Honey Hartman was my best friend's G-dmother, although that title does not do justice to the relationship with Sam and her family.

I so vividly remember being curious about this tough-as-nails woman with the thick German accent and being somewhat terrified of her. Honey was not just strong; she was a force of nature.

Over the years I learned so much about this woman's troubled history and began to understand her a little better and the fear subsided as my respect for her grew. There was also no lack of amusement when Honey was around.

Silently, I send my love and condolences to Sam's family and to Honey's children.

Been Too Long

2010-02-26T21:27:00.005-05:00

I haven't written in such a long time... but not for lack of things about which to write.

A few of them needed more time in my brain before they could take shape in words. Some were just passing fancies that never really earned a place in my blog and some have needed to be aired out for months.

The topic that needed time to ruminate was the decision I made in September to re-establish communication with my sister Cathy and her family.

When tragedy struck her family with the death of my niece, Kier, I ignored EVERY cell in my body and agreed to fly out to Las Vegas to mourn with my sister. I was so torn: be there for my sister in a time of need or maintain the separation that has been so successful over the past 16 years.

I was lulled into a false sense of stability by the three daughters who were communicating with me on Facebook already while their mother was not online... yet. By the time they told me my sister Cathy needed me, I was sucked in mentally. But something deeper was screaming at me NOT to do it. Why... why don't I trust my intuition more often??? The trip was a disaster; a waste of both time and money I didn't have.

As I wrote at the end of the year, after the funeral, my sister joined Facebook and began emailing and posting non-stop. Her posts were sometimes nonsensical, mostly rambling and often insulting. One was downright anti-Semitic. She showed her Cathy colors again in sending me a letter about a month ago telling me how much SHE did for me when I was a child and how little my beloved Aunt Esta Ann did. She finished off by indirectly saying that I am not a good person. So by the time she and my friend Liz started ripping into each other last week, I'd already had enough.

When my health began to deteriorate under the stress, I made the decision to write a letter to Cathy telling her I no longer wanted any communication with her whatsoever. I did my level best to avoid nasty digs or insults but to still be firm. I made it clear that I don't feel the same way about her children and they have the option to stay on touch or move on. Then I deleted her from my friends and blocked communication on FB. So far Brittany, Jerin and Nikki are still on my FB list and posting on my page. (I know Nikki understands and I assume that she will stay in touch as long as I don't put her in the middle)

This decision was not made lightly and I have had a very tumultuous few weeks mentally and physically.
I have been agonizing over the guilt I feel about not being loyal to family versus the damage caused by all the drama and chaos.

So although I moved quickly to put an end to this, I am still in the process of reconciling my decision.
Specifically: how can I complain about not having love and a family in my life when I have made this choice? I thought I had a great capacity for unconditional love, yet I am putting conditions on my biological family. Clearly I have a way to go on the reconciliation.

The Remains of the Year

2009-12-25T19:41:00.001-05:00

The past few months have brought a few surprises, both good and bad. I hardly know where to begin...

Let's wrap-up the whole LDB thing first. Once LDB and I struggled through our communication issues around Thanksgiving, I began to understand a little better what was really going on. Of course there were underlying factors and I just wasn't aware of what they were.

For my part, I knew I was having a hard time getting to a place in my head and heart where I could really trust him again. For his, I now believe that depression was driving his erratic behavior. During our last conversation he made some very telling comments about having everything he wanted and how he should be happy, but feels numb. This understanding allowed me to relax and accept the situation a little better.

I finished my first semester back in college in December. I studied so hard and put in dozens of hours but still ended with a major disappointment. Biology was hard but never really an issue for me. I'd maintained a low A or a high B throughout the semester. However, I struggled through physics all the way. By mid-term, I'd pulled my physics grade up to a B and could finish with that as long as I scored a C or better on the final. After never scoring lower than a 70 on any exam in physics, I failed the final. I still cannot wrap my brain around how I only got a 47.5!!! I studied diligently and it didn't feel difficult while I was taking it. I'm baffled. Embarrassed. Sad. Disappointed. I finished with a C for the semester. The grade is perfectly fine and will be acceptable to the Diagnostic Medical Sonography program but I expected so much more out of myself.
Speaking of the DMS program, I am applying next month despite the very long odds of being accepted this coming year. I still need to figure out what I'm going to do for another year.

The unexpected death of my twenty-two year old niece opened a door with a portion of my family, which I would have been happy to keep closed. I just don't know how to act around them. I can't be myself because myself is very judgemental and I have no desire to hurt them. It's not as if they've hurt me, we just have nothing in common other than our blood. My sister has discovered the joys of Facebook and is now in constant contact. The other sister remains estranged - her choice.

I'm getting ready to move, yet again. This basement apartment is adorable but the lack of space and the dangers and discomfort of the city are too much for me to handle. I am going back to the Woodside area of Silver Spring and by June, I will have a roommate. My old next door neighbor, Liz, is leaving her husband and needs to be near-by for their daughter. I don't particularly want a roommate, but I am facing a very difficult money situation next year and this will bring my spending in line.

My head has been spinning with so many things as this year comes to an end. But I think I'll save that for another post...

Over and Out!

2009-12-11T16:37:00.004-05:00

My worst fears were recognized and my last two calls to LDB went into voicemail. One directly and yesterday he let it ring and ring.
He never called back or replied to my dinner invitation which really bummed me out.

I'd crafted a pretty nasty letter - in my head. But in general I decided to just let it go.

He texted me Happy Hanukkah in Hebrew the other day. While there's no excuse for his not calling back or replying to my invitation, he has been incredibly busy with his mother visiting from Israel, work and their trip to San Francisco to see his brother. All of which I did know about but forgot.

The important thing is that we are not in a "fight" or playing some silly games. Being angry at LDB is really hard on me. It consumes me and makes it hard to think about anything else. Not what I need during final exams.

Losing Focus

2009-12-06T19:13:00.004-05:00

How very sad.

I embark on a whole new life, leave behind a twenty year career and go back to school for a brand new career... and all I can write about in this blog is LDB.

I am about to wrap up my first semester and get good grades and move forward in this entirely new life and all I can think about is the fact that I called him this week, left a message inviting him over for dinner, and haven't heard a word back.
I tried. Nothing more I can do.

But I HATE that it's making me feel so sad. I hate that I feel like crying.

Pushed too far?

2009-11-27T11:46:00.004-05:00

Things only got worse with LDB. Let me rephrase that: I MADE things worse with LDB.

The anger I felt from the week he was in NY spilled over into the following week, mixed with severe PMS and baked-up into an unhealthy BAD ATTITUDE. He finally called me on Tuesday - twice. I didn't answer. I was pissed and sent him directly to voicemail where he left no message.
I didn't call him back and my attitude sank even further.

Finally, I texted him Happy Thanksgiving on Thursday and I received another curt reply: "U2".
Wow... thanks.

Today I broke down and texted again: "Did I piss you off?"

I got a phone call back that started with him going off on me that I need to see a doctor because I'm crazy. That he called me three times and I never call him back. He said he thought, "Maybe she's in class or maybe she's away for T-giving..." but when I didn't call or text, he decided that's it, he's done. He thought about where I was. I want to cry now.

He forgot himself for a few minutes and told me about his drunken T-giving with his friends... but he was detached again by the end of the short call and sounded like he didn't care whether we talked again or not. I got in the shower and let myself cry.

I am afraid that I have blown it once and for all.

My brain is working overtime coming up with what to do next. Do I start calling and paying him attention? Pretend none of this happened? Explain to him why I haven/t been calling? Move on and forget him?
What the hell do I do now???

It Figures...

2009-11-21T18:03:00.002-05:00

The moment I acknowledged my feelings for LDB; shortly after I committed them to this blog, I was shown exactly what I mean to him.

I haven't heard from LDB since I left him that evening. Not a call, email or even a text. I thought perhaps he was testing me. Perhaps he was tired of being the only one to make contact, so I went ahead and called him. It went straight to voicemail. Later that same night I texted him and he replied, curtly, that he was in NY for the week and returning Friday. When I asked him to call when he had time, he never answered.

Watching my favorite show as I write this I am reminded of Anne Boleyn's words about Henry VIII to her father: "They say all his liaisons are soon over. He blows hot, he blows cold..."

On the one hand, once again, I was able to focus solely on my schoolwork. No more silly fantasies about LDB actually wanting to be with me in any real way now that he is moved into his new, single life. No more staying up half the night, tossing and turning in my bed, imagining his hands on my body and his mouth on mine.

THIS is exactly the situation I was trying to avoid by not allowing myself to show him any affection. I wanted just one sign that I could trust him but it never seems to materialize in any real way. Unless and until there is some sort of grand gesture, I will remain unavailable to LDB.

Now I Know

2009-11-12T21:41:00.008-05:00

Nothing has changed in my relationship with LDB: we are still - frustratingly - platonic. We text, we call, we talk. We have the occasional evening together.
One major thing has changed in LDB's life: for the first time in 7 (?) years, LDB is living alone in his own apartment. I know how huge this is, and even that is probably an understatement.

He moved in Sunday and by Monday night, I was invited over. This made me very happy. My actual visit may have seemed like nothing special to anyone else but it left me more sure of my feelings for him than ever before.

On the surface, the night seemed like nothing special and almost didn't happen. LDB missed my call at 6, stopped by his boss's house to pick up more stuff, didn't get home until 9... I was annoyed. But he still wanted me to come over, so I went.

The moment I pulled-up at his new building, I realized where we were... this was where I met him 5 years ago living with the woman who would become his wife. It all came flooding back immediately. As I walked into the lobby I remembered everything: walking in with IA, being insanely nervous, being introduced to LDB at the door as I entered. I remember their apartment, the furniture, the dinner and eating cherries on the balcony. I remember LDB cooked. I remember his smile in the night air across from me on the balcony. And I remember thinking I had a crush on this guy - my boyfriend's best friend.

Tuesday night was slightly different. No boyfriend, girlfriend or wife. We were all alone in a different apartment that looks vaguely familiar.

Like the past few times spent together, this was relaxed, easy, comfortable. We laughed, we teased each other, we stood in his kitchen drinking tea, eating cookies and talking for an hour. Then we moved to the living room to watch TV.

Without a thought or hesitation, he lay next to me on the couch and put his legs up on my lap. Like we do it all the time. I loved the assumption. After a few minutes of more complaining about his back pain from moving, I offered a back rub. He rolled over and I sat on him and tried my best to work out the knots. I was sweating from a combination of working so hard and touching him. His skin was so smooth and soft. I kept looking at the freckle just above his waistband and to the right of his spine. The desire to kiss the back of his neck was almost overwhelming.

After the massage, he sat up and gently touched my arm and said "thank you". There was a split second I thought something more might happen. I thought maybe he would lean in and kiss me. He didn't. But there was something in that touch on my arm. An electricity. Just touching my arm, he made my heart beat wildly.

Because he gets up so early for work, I told him to tell me when he was ready for bed. Kick me out. But he didn't. Finally at 12:30, I decided I should go. He walked me to the door, but instead of even hugging him, I practically ran out. After all these years and all we've been thought, he still makes me nervous! I felt like I was 17. (and acted like it)

My endorphins were pumping so hard that I was wide awake thinking about him until 3 AM. Tuesday night gave me a clarity about my feelings for him. I now know exactly how I feel and what I want... and yet, NOTHING else has changed.
I don't know what he wants, how he feels or if I can trust him not to devastate me again.

What I want

2009-11-02T11:26:00.007-05:00

School has been a great distraction. It has really helped keep me from feeling lonely or sad about being alone and single.
Even though I tell people (like LDB) that I couldn't possibly have a relationship right now because I am too busy and focused on school, I wouldn't exactly say no to a relationship with the right man.

A few months ago, I was propositioned by a friend's husband. I was having dinner and wine with this couple, and boldly announcing that I need a "friend with benefits" so that I don't have to deal with this relationship crap. This was before LDB began calling again and right after my summer of idiot boys. This couple happens to be splitting-up and the man took my FWB speech as a cue that we could be of service to each other. The wife even contacted me to let me know that she would be fine with it.

I gave it a try. I kissed this man to see if there was chemistry. There was not. But even before that, I had so many apprehensions that I doubted it would ever happen. Even with the wife's permission, I was uncomfortable with the situation.

Here I am now, comfortable with being alone, but wishing again that I were not. It's not necessarily a desire to ONLY be with LDB... but more of an abstract feeling that I'd like to have that intimacy with someone. I don't need or want to go out and be wined and dined, but to have someone who will let me put my head on his shoulder... or sleep on his chest.

I miss that moment when someone takes my hand and I feel like the most special person on the planet.

Looking back over the past year, I realize I've had men on both ends of the spectrum of a relationship: either all sex or only friendly intimacy.

I certainly don't expect perfection... but I would really like the imperfection of trying again.

Mixed Emotions

2009-10-28T11:16:00.004-04:00

As I think back to the time I've spent with LDB recently, I am left questioning my own feelings almost as much as I question his.
Nothing about this situation is normal - including MY behavior.

I thought this before, but last night confirmed: I am not my usual self around him. I am not, in any way, putting on an act or trying to be someone I'm not. Just the opposite. Perhaps it's more appropriate to say LDB brings out a different side of my personality.

I really like that the time we spend together is always instigated by him. But this is not exactly an exclusive invitation. He goes out all the time with various cousins, friends and a ton of women. He's not dating them, but he's certainly spending lotsa time getting to know lotsa different chicks! And yes, I often hear about it. He is full of swagger and stories on the phone but never does it to my face - which I also find telling.

But back to my behavior... it's just plain different from who I used to be when a man I like comes over. Usually, I will be very anxious and nervous. I am never nervous when he calls or he's coming over. I'm happy - to be sure. But not freaking out. I calmly prep the house, prep some fruit to snack on and I have been perfectly relaxed while he was over. (although, the first night I did sit looking at him wondering the whole time if something would happen? Pathetic!)

In fact, relaxed has been an understatement. Both times now, we have sat or lay on the couch watching movies in comfortable silence. Laughing at the movie, but no real conversation. Both times, he was starting to fall asleep and last night so was I. He even remarked how comfortable it was with the warm fire in the fireplace and laying back on the couch. I love that he feels comfortable but wonder if he finds spending time with me boring? I keep thinking I need to plan entertainment for the next time.

When there is conversation, I am not the main talker or the story-teller. So many times I've looked back on time spent with a man and thought I was "on." I felt the need to perform and entertain him the way I would at a personal appearance. Everything that I hated about my life while I was in radio. I wasn't "me," I was "Kris Gamble."

When we are talking, I am far quieter than LDB. I defer to him. He tells the stories and makes the jokes and I laugh and ask follow-up questions. I even catch myself holding back compliments and not expressing feelings if I think they will make me look like a lovesick puppy. (This is CLEARLY a reflex from our past and my pain)

I am left wondering about my feelings for him and whether my behavior is a sign?

Perhaps I'm just feeling cautious because I don't really believe this is going anyplace and I don't want to get my hopes up or get hurt again?
Maybe the feelings I have are just more mature and calm thanks to our very difficult shared experience and length of time we've known each other?

I don't think I can ever really know until my feelings are put to the test. The test will come when he either tries to have a relationship with me or has one with someone else.

Old Habits Die Hard

2009-10-14T10:17:00.004-04:00

For the first time in a LONG time, I'm in a terrible mood.

Even my disastrous trip to Las Vegas for my niece's funeral didn't leave me feeling as angry and upset as I do now. It's all tied to the events of this week and it's all my own fault.

Sunday afternoon I got a call from LDB saying "Hi" and catching-up. Ever since our talk about our feelings, I've been better about calling and texting him but still laying back to let him call me. At the end of the call, he asked what I was doing that night and if I wanted to do something. Cutting to the chase, we agreed that he would come over to my house and we'd watch DVDs or TV.
We sat on the couch and watched The Hangover. LDB - from the start - was fidgety and couldn't seem to get comfy. I offered to let him lay back on me and promised not to touch him. He did and I kept my promise - NOT EASY.

Once his head was on the pillow in my lap all I could think about was him. Touching him, kissing him... anything! I stared a lot. I still think him one of the most handsome men I've ever known. He was careful not to touch me.

After the movie, I thought he would go, but he asked for another cup of tea and we watched House. (I was in heaven! House and LDB at the same time!!! Two of my favorite things in my living room!!!)
By midnight he was falling asleep and got up to go. At the door, once again, he did a quick hug and ran out. I can only assume he thought I was going to try to kiss him? Run LDB, run!!!

I had an intense week of exams ahead of me and all I could think about was LDB. I was SO angry with myself for losing focus again. For weeks all I thought about was school and merely spending a night on a couch with LDB changed all of that. I was in such a good place and I'm walking right away from it. And for what? Deep down, I don't really believe that LDB will ever want to be with me, seriously or long-term.

Following swiftly on the heels of that visit, I had my first physics exam and I did NOT DO WELL. Proof positive I lost focus.
Part of me is angry with myself for having LDB come over instead of studying Sunday night. I really believed I had a grip on the material. I got a 70. I am devastated!!! I cried. I don't think I ever cried over a grade before. Granted, I passed. And the professor's policy is to drop the lowest exam score, but I am still SO disappointed in myself.
I've been on the phone with Craig getting tutoring and this was likely to be the easiest of the tests this semester - all of which doesn't bode well for me.

I fell back into all my old depression habits and now I'm struggling to change my behaviors back again: including regaining my laid-back attitude toward LDB. Not easy when he calls again Wednesday and we talk and laugh for 1.5 hours.

My feelings about school are more straight forward: Failure is NOT an option.

You Like Me; You Really Like Me

2009-09-30T12:17:00.004-04:00

A few weeks have passed since my last posts about LDB and the situation has shifted almost as often as my feelings about the situation.

Although I vacillate between wanting him and not, it's not always dependent upon his behavior as it was in the past. For instance, he called me while I was in Las Vegas for my niece Kier's funeral and again when I got home. At the end of the last phone conversation he asked me to call him back. I said I would but never did. I wondered what he was thinking over the next few days when he never heard from me, but still didn't feel moved to call him. I felt like I had nothing to say. If I wasn't going to flirt or express my real feelings or really be myself, what would we talk about?

He called back yesterday evening on his way home from work and my lack of calls and texts came up almost immediately in our conversation. Now, I SWEAR I wasn't being manipulative or playing "hard to get" but I admit to being pleased with the results.

When our friend, IA, asked how things are going with me, he told him he thinks I'm playing "hard to get". Just the fact that they're talking about this speaks volumes. It told me what I needed to know - but I had to pursue it and find out how he feels about me.

When he told me about a woman who is pursuing him and commented that she's "effable," I had to draw the line and bring up MY feelings. I told him that hearing him say that some woman is effable makes me sick to my stomach because I still have feelings for him. I stumbled through it and didn't say it like that - but had to say it.
Eventually, he said he still had feelings for me too, but that he's not ready for a serious relationship or even dating.

It was all I needed. It settled so many of the unsettled feelings I had. My constant worries that he was jerking me around for his own vanity were driving me insane just as they had a year and a half ago.

Maybe we'll never be together... but I won't have to live the rest of my life wondering if I ever meant anything to LDB.

Resignation and acceptance

2009-09-11T11:40:00.005-04:00

Conveniently, LDB has been absent from my life for a few days now and although my imagination continues to create lovely fantasies of our life together, it has allowed me to better control my conscious mind where he is concerned. I guess that is the best for which I can hope? That he will be an occasional visitor in my world and I will learn NOT to love him?

My greatest fear now is the prospect of his dating. I do not know how I will ever face seeing him with another woman. It was one thing to know he was or see him with his wife. Besides her claim being established far before I even met his friend, IA, deep down inside I never gave his love for her very much credit. That was clear in the intense joy I felt at being told that he had a crush on me.

I can't help but to find myself wondering how he feels about me now. I suspect I know already and that scares me because I assume he feels nothing but the warmth of friendship and shared history. But I know for a fact he has thought of more where I am concerned.

He mentioned missing me. He also talked of remembering what a good kisser I am. If you feel nothing but a friendly inclination, do you dwell on such things as these? However, I am likely reading into these things. I am probably projecting my desires upon him and his occasional, feeble recollections.

My brain is fighting violently with my heart almost daily.

Stop it!!!

2009-09-09T09:37:00.006-04:00

He has made it clear and if I continue to ignore it, I will be very sad and hurt.

LDB is NOT playing games. He is NOT leading me on. He has NO interest in me and that is clear. If I continue to dream about him and think about him and make efforts to make him want me, I will end up devastated again - and I will have NO ONE to blame but myself.

It MUST stop now. Stop thinking of reasons to get in touch with him. Stop finding things to do with or for him. Stop reading into his flirty remarks. Really. Stop.

It's YOUR fault this time, not his.

He DOESN'T WANT YOU.

(Buying into this yet?)

Not in a Million Years

2009-09-07T22:13:00.004-04:00

So there I am in the middle of the whole "Life Makeover" thing when a really weird thing happens...

This was my first week of classes and it was a busy one! Besides biology, I also had my best friend's brother, Jamie, coming to stay over for one night with his son, Aidan, after an MLS game at RFK.

I was waiting for Jamie's call to pick them up from the metro Wednesday night when I got a message on Facebook from my long, lost ex, IA, asking for my phone number. It had been a year and a half since the LDB debacle and curiosity got the better of me and I gave it to him. While I waited for the phone to ring, I got a text message. FROM LDB.

That's right. THE LDB. The one I blogged about right here (and in the Florida Times-Union). The LDB for whom who I fell so hard a year and a half ago. The LDB who was married and had no business being with me at all. The LDB whom I could not make happy. The LDB whom it took me so many months to get over.
I've spent some 18 months mentally repeating "I hate you, I hate you" every time his face popped into my mind. And that was often. And here he was on my phone. Again.

After a brief but highly informative back and forth - he learned that I lived in DC again and I learned that he was divorced - he asked what next? I answered, "Call me." And he did.

We talked for 2.5 hours. And again the next night for 2.5 hours. He called six times between Wednesday and Saturday. He emailed and texted. He asked me out to dinner. I went.

I can't even write this entry the way I normally would. I can't sit here and type every word we said, or wrote. He wrote and texted and said just enough to me to let me know that he didn't forget me. Just enough to tell me he still thinks about me and us together. Just enough to make me wonder what he wants now. It seems to be that he means only to make amends and be friends again.

I am in such a strange place. At exactly the moment when I let go of any and all desire to be with a man and found happiness alone, LDB found me and insinuated himself back into my life. Even as nothing more than a friend, this man has a gravitational pull which cannot be denied. He makes me want things and dream the dreams I stopped having after my miscarriage in January of 2008.

My sad, feeble imagination takes everything he says and explores it for the most miniscule hint of affection or desire.

I will not admit it aloud, not even to closest friends: I love him. Still. I want him. I think about him and dream about him incessantly.

Who knows why some people affect us they way they do? It certainly isn't rational. I cannot explain it but he is still the very picture of all I ever wanted and hoped for myself in regard to love, family, home and happiness.

In reality, I don't think it will ever happen.
I am fairly sure he will never love me the way I love him, or the way I want to be loved. Now, I must find a way to not only live with that knowledge - as I have these 18 months - but to live with it while he actually remains in my life.

School Daze

2009-08-31T09:28:00.006-04:00

I sit here today on the edge of an entirely new life.
I am incredibly excited and scared and equal to the challenge that awaits me.

Tomorrow, I begin taking college classes for the first time in 20 years! The task of going back to school and getting a degree would be daunting enough, but to top it off I am not yet accepted into the Montgomery College program of my choice (Diagnostic Medical Sonography) and run the risk that I won't be accepted by the deadline March 1.
Despite counseling with an advisor, plotting and planning, I will not have all of the required classes completed by the deadline and they could tell me I must wait an ENTIRE YEAR before applying again.
Of course, I am going to introduce myself to everyone in the department, try to befriend and charm them and then beg to be allowed into the program. I will have to play the unemployed 41-year-old card. And any other card I can find up my sleeve.
The prospect of not being accepted into the program frightens me far more than anything else.

I expect great things from myself. I demand nothing less than a 3.0 in every class, if not better. I want to achieve and prove that I can do this and I'm NOT just a trained monkey on the radio. Okay, then, at least I'll be a BETTER trained monkey.