Randomness from The PYT

Nail Polish Fetish

2009-05-01T12:40:00.001-04:00

I have officially become obsessed with nail polish. I'm not sure when it happened either...well I kind of know it started when I found Polish Addict and starting reading her posts about various brands of nail polish and different colors that she swatched. Then I found Scrangie, who has a great writing style that makes me laugh and she does a lot of polish swatches. And ever since, I've been pretty much obsessed with changing my nail polish on a weekly basis. I haven't repeated a polish since November (when my obsession started) and that's scary and probably weighs heavier on my wallet than I'd care to admit. Then I found out about the Zoya Exchange...and well I'm just hopeless. I heart nail polish.

At first I liked mostly dark shades, like Opi's You Don't Know Jacques (check out Scrangie's swatch here), which was my favorite this winter. But now that it's Spring, I've moved on to brighter colors like Opi's Do You Lilac It and Sally Hansen's Insta-Dri Lightening (here's a swatch).

My latest obsession (which I'm proud to say I haven't purchased) is Orly's Tiki Time. Scrangie did the swatches and got me hooked. I want them all...at least the Mint Mojito and Calypso Breeze. I don't have any colors similar to any of these though, so I feel okay getting them all. :-) And I also want Cashmere Cardigan and Country Club Khaki from Orly's Prepster collection. Scrangie also did swatches of those. So that's like what...six new polishes overall....that's not too bad. Unfortunately, I've sworn off shopping until the end of May. So we'll see how I feel about these polishes then.

a passion for purple

2009-02-12T10:56:00.014-05:00

Ever since seeing he's just not that into you, I've been obsessing over purple nail polish. One of the characters wore purple polish and it was so springy and happy to me. I'm not sure how great a purple polish will look on brown skin, but never the less I'm willing to give it a go. The thing with bright colors is that they typically should be worn on short nails that are just a tad longer than your fingertip (like barely over). My nailbeds are short, so when I file my nails that short, my nails look like little circles...not cute. So I want to wear bright colors, but what to do when I paint them on my nails and they look like stupid 11 year old nails?! Arghhh!!! What colors are appropriate for longer type nails anyway? I'm going to go with...none! Or a nudish white color. Something very simple so I don't look ghetto fabulous. My nails are short to me right now, and they're probably a quarter of an inch past my fingertip. And from the top, they look short like they're just past my fingertips. So maybe I'll try out the purple anyway....

Black is Beautiful

2009-01-29T11:25:00.034-05:00

Watching Anderson Cooper 360 last night, I was amazed at all the attention and emphasis suddenly being placed on African Americans. It's almost as if all of a sudden, it's SOOO cool to be black. There was an array of contributors from fashion industry experts to news anchors weighing in on the Obamas and their branding affect on the economy. I saw a Barack Obama "Barbie" for lack of a better description, complete with interchangeable ties, and weaponry. There's the whole issue about whether or not the Ty Company is abusing the First Daughters privacy by releasing Marvelous Malia and Sweet Sasha dolls. J. Crew's website went down after the media released that the inauguration day outfits worn by the girls were J. Crew. They were custom made for the girls but similar styles are to be released with the Fall line. Mothers everywhere are scrambling though to come up with look a like options. First Lady Michelle's inauguration gown designed by Jason Wu already has spoofs from other designers. There are Obama earrings, Obama wine glasses, Obama hot sauce, the list goes on and on. Not to mention the underground merchandise. The Obamas superstar qualities could single handedly lift the economy, lol. Roland Martin mentioned on Inauguration Day that because of the President, designers and print ads would be scrambling to feature more African Americans, and the other contributors shook their heads. But it looks like he was right. One modeling company featured on AC360 said that they have received several calls for look a likes of the Obama girls. And a fashion industry expert commented back that absolutely runways, magazines and print ads will feel the pressure to use more African Americans. Because "Black is Beautiful even if America is just realizing that." I almost fell off my bed when he made this comment. Well then...gone head sir...Black is Beautiful. We knew that all along and now America realizing first hand just how beautiful it is and how beautiful we are.

[image source]

In the Midst of it All

2009-01-28T13:31:00.013-05:00

It never ceases to amaze me how God keeps me in the midst of storms. We're in an all out recession, and I have everything I had before the recession started. All around me, people are losing their jobs, their homes, their cars, and God has an umbrella of protection over me. I got overwhelmed thinking about how much God loves little old me...and how much I don't deserve it but how great He is in spite of. On Monday, I found out I was getting a raise while 80,000 people were laid off from their jobs. Young talented friends of friends are being laid off one by one and God is still watching over me.

Thank you Lord for keeping me in the midst of it all!

[image source]

Mr. President

2009-01-21T15:33:00.002-05:00

I am so proud of you. And I am SO proud to be an American today! My President looks like me! His wife is beautiful, their children are gorgeous and it makes me happy to see so many people walking around with pins, buttons, hats, scarves, earrings, t-shirts, everything with your face/name strewn across them. I have never in my lifetime seen so many people stand behind a politician, be so moved, or so excited about politics and America's future...and it truly moves me and I'm so proud of you...Mr. President.

Happy Birthday Dr. King

2009-01-15T11:12:00.000-05:00

Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase.

-Martin Luther King Jr.

In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

-Martin Luther King Jr.

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.

-Martin Luther King Jr.

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.

-Martin Luther King Jr., Strength to Love, 1963

[image source]

Happy 2009!!

2009-01-07T15:36:00.001-05:00

Happy New Year!! Isn't it interesting that we celebrate a new year by wishing one a "Happy New Year," the culmination of night by saying "Good Night," the start of a new day with "Good Morning." So why not celebrate every month as well?! Happy New Month! Or Happy [insert month here]! Yes, wouldn't that be clever as well and add to our ever continuing celebration of life. I think so...I like it, it does celebrate the moment. I even go as far to say Happy Wednesday (Hump Day) or Happy Friday! Those two days are my favorite weekdays.

I have a daily mantra for 2009 that I've adapted from one of Mr. Osteen's Today's Word email.

Choose to start your day by declaring what God says about you. Declare, "I am blessed. I am prosperous. I am healthy and strong. I have favor. No weapon formed against me shall prosper. I am the head and not the tail, above only and not beneath."

I'm going to post it on my bathroom mirror and speak it everyday in 2009, living with an attitude of expectancy.

Happy January!

Letting it Go

2008-12-08T18:36:00.002-05:00

When does a friend become no longer a friend,
but more like sand slipping through your fingers...
and not even the kind of sand you want to hold on to.
Kind of like that sand at Nags Head...that rocky sand,
it has some shells in it, but mostly junk,
the kind that once you get home and look at it,
You wonder why the heck did I keep this
you know that sand...we've all held onto something for too long
instead of just...
letting
it
go

Today after another insightful conversation with my SPBFF (Thank God for her), I've decided to let it go...the sand is junk and I'm going to sift through and keep the few shells that are worth it...
I've got too many beaches to visit, there's no point in trying to keep this sand...so with prayer and commitment, I'm letting it go. And of course...with true class. I will be proud of the shells that I can retain, but I will no longer hold onto the pebbly, crappy sand and be disappointed because it's junk once I get home. Nah....not anymore...see you sand...

[image source]

At the Mountaintop

2008-11-06T12:14:00.001-05:00

I just can't....get over it. I have this unbelievable surreal feeling. I break out into tears sometimes just sitting and thinking about what truly has taken place. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, an indescribable sense of peace...and the funny thing is, I didn't even know that weight was there. Almost like a spirit of oppression that I didn't even know I was carrying. Perhaps it was subconsciously in my genes and I had no idea, but I feel peace. The world looks different to me now; at 26 years old...the world is a different place to me. And it's unbelievable...we did it...

From "YES WE CAN!" to "YES WE DID!!!"

2008-11-05T14:11:00.000-05:00

Last night history was made and the first Black President of the United States was elected. This moment was so overwhelming for me as a young black woman. To me, Barack Obama serves as a model for my children not yet born, an example that anything is possible and "Yes We Can" change the world. A role model for young black children and all black people, that we don't have to conform to the status quo of only being athletes, rappers, and strippers. We are so much more...and last night President Elect Obama proved that to the rest of the country. What we, as a people, and me, as a Black woman knew all along. There is so much more to being black than what the media portrays, there is so much more than what we ourselves sometimes portray. The sky is the limit. For all those who came before, for all those who fought to make our voices heard, to make our lives equal...thank you. Your work was not in vain, and last night Obama reminded us of all that we have been through and what can happen when we truly unite and stand together. God bless President Elect Obama and his family and God bless America.

it's Cracked, and it's starting to Leak

2008-10-17T12:35:00.002-04:00

I realize now that just because you've been friends with someone for a long time or because you've thought they were a certain way, doesn't mean they have to stay your friend or that they are who you thought they were. I think at times that I'm too compassionate about my friends and too concerned about their well being, I mean, hell...I should just let them walk off a cliff. That's what real friends do apparently. I don't know how to turn my back and let them walk off the cliff. I don't know how to separate myself from them in a respect way when they question the very decisions that they're making...how am I supposed to support them? It's unfair. So in turn, I end up growing increasingly annoyed or irritated with a situation because it's like you don't know what you're doing, so you ask your friends for advice, but then continuously go against the advice...what's the point of asking for the advice then? And I know, I know...I've read the articles that say when a friend asks you for advice and then doesn't take it, you have no right to get mad, but is that really possible? I mean seriously...is it?

I almost feel like at times I hate that egg, it's rotten, it stinks and I want no parts of it. At one point, I thought it was hard boiled and sure to never spoil or crack. But as life wears on, the shell is cracking, and at this point...the egg is starting to leak everywhere. And I can't hide it or pretend anymore. Sometimes I want nothing to do with you, I don't even want to look at your face. And it makes me sad that I feel this way. I wish I could control it, because it really isn't a conscious decision to be mean or rude. It's more of a conscious decision to try to keep what's left of the egg inside of the shell. Kind of put it in a ziplock back and then it'll always be there. It won't stink too badly because it'll be sealed in the bag. And from the outside, it still looks like an egg. Sure, it's cracked a little, but it's still an egg. But if I don't put it in a ziplock bag, it'll ooze out everywhere and eventually stink up everything and then someone will come clean or wipe it up, throwing the rotten remains into the trash or down the drain. Then the egg is gone, there are no traces of it.

At times it almost feels like a curse to care so much...how do you get away from it? When it's always in your face and you're the only person who knows how to handle this egg? When it's always you who has to pick up the pieces and glue this egg back together, when it's you who has stood there time and time again only to be let down. And I know that's what friendships are about, but what do you do when you don't feel like it's worth it anymore. When you want to just throw the stinking egg away. Shit, I'm tired of this damn egg, it stinks like hell and it's stinking up my life and the smell reeks so badly that it permeates into my happiness at times. Now that's a rotten egg.

And I don't mean to sound all negative because it's not...but I'd say when 65% of the time, your friendship stinks, it's rotting. Period. Then it's like you can't say hurtful things to someone and I'm not a hateful person, so I pray about it and keep it all inside. Or I burden my dear friends with it, then they have to carry it with me as well. I don't even know if I can say it nicely...I don't even know if I have anything nice to say...so instead I ignore it and pray, hoping that God will heal and it'll go away. No, I don't want to talk about it, there's nothing to talk about...If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all. But I do think it's sad and it stinks when you've gone through your entire adult life thinking something was a certain way, and then discover that someone has been faking the entire time. Who are you? What do you stand for? Do you love yourself? What do you really believe?

I won't get into super personal questions...but....what do you do when you realize that you're starting to dislike one of your oldest friends? Mostly because you realize that the person they claimed to be and the person you thought they were, they really aren't....

Tuesday Randomness

2008-10-14T14:35:00.001-04:00

As I dragged myself out of bed this morning, I began to have random thoughts that just started appearing out of nowhere...perhaps from a state of sleep deprivation. Anyway...

Why is it that sometimes something can bother you and you just can't shake it and other times things seem to roll off your back very easily? Is this depending on the person who's offended you, or is it you being crazy?

Why don't the toilet paper rolls at work have "sheets?" It's just one huge roll and it really bothers me that I can't tear off a perfect sqare or "sheet." Perhaps it's cheaper to buy it with no "sheets" so that's what employers opt to do?

Why do only state and government agencies mostly recognize Columbus Day? Was Columbus not great enough for everyone to get his day off? If not, then why does he have a holiday in the first place? I mean what's the point of a holiday if no one celebrates it?

Why are people judging Barack Obama by his skin color and his name rather than the content of his character? Did I miss something, or are we not responsible for choosing our own names? Excuse me mom, but I'd rather be named Bob instead of Barack. Excuse me God, but I'd rather be white because life is easier that way and people don't always assume you know the latest rap or foolish hip hop song. or that your family has gold teeth. or my personal favorite that your church is like Rev. Wright's.

Why didn't I get a house based on what every bank told me I could afford? I guess the smart people are either in apartments or houses they can afford? Yeah, they definitely are...

Why did I try a recipe last night randomly from the back of the stuffing box and it was delicious? No seriously, it was pretty good...delicious may be a stretch, but definitely good comfort food and it had like 5 ingredients, can we say cheap?

Why do people always ask the woman who's been in a relationship if they're close to being engaged? Isn't that the man's job to propose? I'm just saying...How is she supposed to know when he's going to ask or if they're close? And why is it that people look at her unsatisfactorily when she says yes, we've talked about it?

Why don't people care that a state investigator reported that Palin did in fact abuse her power and put unfair pressure on her suboordinates to get her brother-in-law fired? If Biden did that, is it fair to say the GOP would be all over it?

Why in the new blogger does the spellcheck only show up sometimes? Like it has a mind of it's own..."nah, I don't feel like checking your words today."

Why do I watch the Hills on Mondays now only so I can take the online fashion & beauty quizzes posted by the Sugar network that are like 5 questions each? Sad, but true...the Hills is letting me down this season.

Okay, I think that's it for now...

I Believe

2008-10-03T09:54:00.002-04:00

It dawned on me the other day that I've spent a quarter of a century on this Earth, and I have some personal beliefs that I stick to regardless. No matter how silly or trivial they may seem to others, no matter what they govern, they do govern. So I decided that I should document as many of these as possible. I plan to update or post again under this category...perhaps update, anyway...we'll see.

I Believe...

High heels are sexy and can make a white t-shirt and jeans one of the sexiest outfits on this planet. I love high heels, they're feminine, sassy and sexy.
A man should pursue a woman. If he really wants you, he'll pursue you regardless.
SPF is an essential part of one's daily routine.
Faith is absolutely essential to making it on this Earth.
Having groomed eyebrows, they make a plain face like a piece of artwork.
Every woman must know when to throw in the towel and walk away because she has to love herself more.
Family is the most important thing on this Earth. They shape and mold the people we become.
True friendships are when you don't have to talk to the person everyday and you know that you could still call them at any moment if necessary.
Friends should add wisdom and clarity to your life, not drain you emotionally.
Happiness is a choice, look around you and find things to be happy about.
Style is more about swagger than anything else.
Being rich isn't a measure of how much money you have or the items that you own, it's a personal mindset and is different for every person.
Money does not equal happiness. I've never seen it, and I don't believe it...I don't care what people say or claim.
Taking care of my man...call me old fashion, it is what it is.
Shoes can make any outfit. I'm so serious.
You never know who you may run into...
It's a blessing to have a circle of 4 friends or more that can all hang out together.
All men come back for a good thing they were too silly to recognize at first, and oftentimes it's too late.
Women will sometimes risk everything in order to not be alone, sad but true.
Saving money from the first paycheck you ever get. You'll be so happy you did.
Investing money in a retirement plan, starting with your first paycheck ever. Imagine the possibilities.
In the power of education.
God opens doors when we least expect Him to.
God often has to close doors in order to get our attention.
There's a lesson to be learned from every situation, seek and grow from it.
In good old American football! It's a great sport.
That learning to sew on a button is something everyone should learn to do.
A true friendship can stand through any test.
In true love.
That true love is a state of mind, a conscious choice to commit your life to making someone other than yourself happy.
That a woman can do anything she puts her mind to and her heart in.

The Quarter Life Crisis

2008-08-15T14:57:00.001-04:00

I've decided that the Quarter Life Crisis is real and does in fact definitely exist. In fact, it's serious. I have all these mixed emotions. I want to get married, I want to wait, I want to enjoy being single, I want to enjoy my last years being single, having my body to myself (no babies), I want to save money to prepare for a better future, I want to be FABULOUS and wear all the trends because I have money & can afford them...I want to be engaged, I want to shack up with boyfriend, I want a house.

This is such a crucial time in life. One day I feel one thing and the next it's another. Topsy-turvey, which way to go...am I making the right decisions & choices or am I ruining my life by doing what I want instead of waiting and listening to God. The decisions I make right now could greatly affect the rest of my life, but wait! I should be happy & enjoy life as well. Isn't this the time where I do what I want, go where I want, buy what I want? Only thing is...sometimes I'm not sure what I want, where to go, or what to buy.

Ahhh, Mr. Quarter Life. Is that you knocking on my sanity?
Threatening to tear apart my peace of mind and constantly reminding me that the clock is ticking...

I want to enjoy right now, realizing that the moments that pass are just that, the past. They can never be reclaimed or brought back. They'll only happen once in my lifetime, so shouldn't I enjoy each moment, no matter how painful it is, knowing that one day I'll look back and be glad I experienced it. Or should I worry about what tomorrow holds because if I'm too careless I could ruin my tomorrows.

Ahhh...Mr. Quarter Life, there you are again.
Causing me to question my every move,
In my ear whispering not to throw caution to the wind...

I pray about tomorrow, so therefore I shouldn't worry about it. I know this, and I believe this with every fiber in my being. Yet it's so hard sometimes not to think about the unknown. It's so difficult to just enjoy the moment for just what it is, a moment. Knowing that tomorrow will bring new moments and not to worry about tomorrow but just to let it be, because regardless it's going to come anyway. But I do think about tomorrow, I think about my house, my money, my clothes, my engagement, my wedding, my husband, my children...and the funny thing is, all of those things will come in time. But will they come if I don't ever think about them? I kind of have to be mindful and conscious otherwise I could screw up my tomorrow because I'm too intertwined in today's moments.

So the key must be to allow Mr. Quarter Life to do his thing because without him, I may throw too much caution to the wind but also know that with God I'm allowed to enjoy my precious moments because I know He's gonna handle all of my tomorrows.

Then I will enjoy today and all the moments it brings but remember to be aware of tomorrow and the moments it will surely bring.

What Happens to a Dream Deferred?

2008-07-31T09:56:00.003-04:00

A little girl with warm brown eyes that sparkle with her smile

She's the smallest in her class

But she remains undeterred

Her eyes reflect hope and the

Promise that her future holds great things

She can be whatever she wants to be

That's what she was told

And that's what she believed.

Time passed and the little girl

Grew into a young lady

Her eyes still maintained that reflection of hope and the

Promise that her future held great things

Dreams of being a lawyer, a pediatrician, and

Finally settling on an engineer.

This dream became a reality

But what happens to the dreams of love?

The promise of a prince charming?

The love like in the movies?

What happens when this young woman looks around

And there is no knight in shining armour?

Dreams of a husband, a house, 2.5 kids...

These dreams are deferred.

So do the deferred dreams dry up like

Raisins in the sun?

Nah...I'm too determined to let that happen

These dreams are tucked away in a safe place

And called upon every night

To bring a smile and continue the hope and the

Promise that tomorrow brings another day

Filled with endless possibilities...

She's come too far

I've come too far

To let my dream dry up like a raisin in the sun

So Mr. Hughes, the answer is no...they don't dry up

At least not mine.

If we allow our dreams to dry up

That means we're losing hope and sight of a

Future that holds endless promises.

Remain complacent, I cannot.

Trudge on is what I do.

One day at a time

One step at a time

One dream at a time

Until I reach my dream

Then the beginning of a

New dream

Begins.

Friday Randomness

2008-07-25T09:51:00.002-04:00

It's Friday!! YESS!!!!! I made it through another week, thank God. A friend told me that I needed to update my blog, and then another friend updated hers...inspiring me to come up with some random musings of my own ;-)

Sadness or confusion usually inspires me to blog...it helps clear my head and provides me with peace and sanity. So when things are peachy, as they often are, then it's difficult for me to draw inspiration. My wonderful friend also made an excellent point that sometimes maybe I don't blog about things because there's so much going on...that I don't want to write it down. People just may not get
it.

Random Rundown

I love my boyfriend...he's my love drug. Often times I blog about the diffucult thoughts I have and not the wonderful times we have. So let me say that sometimes I don't give him enough credit (on this blog) for the wonderful man that he is. The man that I love, the man who makes me smile, the man who makes my soul smile, the man who makes my toes curl, the man who makes my heart sing, the man who can laugh and it brings peace to my soul...I could go on and on, but I won't...I'll just say that he's very special and when I close my eyes and imagine him, I get tingles and this warm feeling that runs straight up and down the inside of my body...yeah that's a love drug.
So if you start a relationship with someone by breaking up an existing one, does that mean the relationship is bound to fail or does that just make it that much more difficult? I find it very difficult to accept the fact that people can break up happy/unhappy homes, regardless they're still homes, and think that God is going to smile upon that. What gives you the right or the audacity to stroll into someone else's relationship and break it up? Why are you waiting in the wings, talking to someone else's man/woman behind their back and then when the relationship fails (big surprise since you placed yourself there by any means necessary) you happily step right into the place of the previous woman/man. Yeah I guess his/her previous relationship did fail...but that's because you stayed right up in the middle instead of leaving well enough alone...then you try to perpetrate as a friend...PUH-LEASE you aren't fooling anyone, not even yourself.
Black in America: to me, the black men was the best. It saddened me for a moment to see 2/3 of the children of a black family with white women. It really did...then I asked myself do I have an issue with interracial marriage...and the answer is no. I'm not sure why it didn't sit well with me, perhaps because they portrayed all of the successful black people with white friends or white husbands/wives...and there are plenty that have successful black friends/husbands/wives as well. Those weren't shown. Then I had to remind myself that it's a reality in our culture to have successful black men date white women or for majority of our children to be born to single mothers. Just because it's not a reality for me, doesn't mean it does not occur. A lot of time was spent examining the issues, but not the solutions. At the end of the day it leaves you wondering...why are we where we are and what can we do to move forward from here? I think some time should have been spent exploring that aspect. And WHY were ALL the black men interviewed either with white friends/women and successful, in jail, or not taking care of their kids??? What about the successful black couple??? Where were they??? I realize that this may not be a majority but it exists...it's my family and about 70% of my friends' families as well. All successful black men don't chose white women and have white friends. Simply not true. Some of them may and that's their right, but I couldn't find my boyfriend or my male friends in the special...where are these wonderful young brothers? Why didn't CNN pause to give them a moment to shine?
When you're young and you look young...why do some people in the corporate world think they can run all over you? No, I'm not a secretary. No, I'm not your secretary. No, I will not do your grunt work. No, I will not go to endless meetings with you just because it makes you feel important to be in repetitive meetings. This is why we need a shorter work week or telecommuting...so I don't SMACK somebody. lol. Some people just pluck my nerves to NO END! But I guess that's life and that's work and I could be unemployed. So I'll smile and be polite, I won't smack anyone...but I certainly won't be pushed around either.

Mister L

2008-07-07T15:11:00.004-04:00

When I hear you voice

My soul smiles

This is where I was meant to be
My entire life

When you laugh, it's contagious
And I find myself
Caught up
In minutes
We're both laughing
Our heads off at God knows what

You have this way of squeezing my knee
And kind of a double-eyed blink
That signals to me
I love you

When it gets bad

I can't walk away
Like there's an invisible rope binding us
You're my Love Drug

When we're not speaking

I find it hard to function
Found myself praying every minute of the day
Just to get by and save my sanity
The smallest things make me soo happy

When I'm with you
The way you laugh
Kind of deep and smooth
Relaxes my soul

Even when I'm talking a mile
A minute
And I know you're
Not listening, And you just go
"mmm-hmm" or "yep"
I love you for pretending

When I fell in love with you
I didn't have a choice
But to stay loving you
That is what I choose to do
That is a commitment on my behalf
A commitment
That you have also made to me
And through this commitment
I believe we have truly come to
Love.

I see your faults
And I love you anyway
I recognize your growth
And I love you for it
You see my faults
And you love me anyway
You recognize my growth
And you love me for it

I love you for all that you are
And all that you will be
I love us
You are my
Love Drug

my prayer

2008-07-03T12:16:00.001-04:00

in the midst of praying for someone else, God showed me that i should pray for me first and foremost.

be the best me that i can be

then He'll take care of the rest

seek Him first and all other things shall be added unto me

quit trying to remove the speck out of his eye and worry about the log in my own

and this is my prayer...

God give me the grace to seek understanding instead of trying to be understood

God give me the wisdom to always look at myself first before i criticize him

God give me a spirit of contentment, the wisdom to know which battles are worth fighting

God give me peace in the middle of the storm, always remembered to look to You for my joy

God give me humbleness and the willingness to learn

God give me the ability to understand the difference between my perception and reality

God give me wisdom like Esther to know when to speak

God give me that help meet ability like Eve

God give me a spirit of submissiveness like Sarah

God give me genuine humility, a spirit of meekness like Ruth

God give me a man of God who will love me as Christ loved the church

God give me a man after Your own heart

God give me the ability to discern the things i can change and change them

God give me the wisdom to discern the things i cannot change and accept them

God help me...to be a better christian, woman, friend, daughter, sister, and girlfriend

funk

2008-02-21T12:33:00.002-05:00

Today I feel sick
My head hurts
Badly
My heart is in somewhat of a longing mode
I felt waves of nausea earlier
My eyeballs hurt
And
Most importantly
It’s
Cold
Outside

Then you have nothing to say
No good morning
No hello
Nothing
No I’m sorry
Nothing
Just silence
And that
Damn green dot beside your name

Am I wrong to feel slightly annoyed?
Am I wrong to want newness
Someone who will listen to me
And not make comments like
That’s stupid
You’re stupid
Don’t be silly
You’re being silly
That’s foolish
Those are
Horrible things to say to someone whos
Trying to communicate how they feel
Horrible

And it makes me feel horrible
It makes me want to turn on my heel and
Walk away
Never looking back
Because it’s better to walk away than be left
Right?

Sick of everyone telling me how wonderful things are going in their relationship
Not mad
Just sick…
I am happy for them
I truly am
But why don’t you care enough to make sure our relationship stays happy and new
Sure that I have something to gush to my friends about
Do you feel me

I try
I try
I try so hard
All to no avail
Damn it definitely takes two
To make a thing go right
And without you
I cannot make anything right
Listening
Compassion
Communication
Love
Strength
Enduring
Is what it takes to make it through
But I can’t
Do it
alone

moments

2008-01-30T10:16:00.001-05:00

you start to stutter slightly over your words
eyes dodging between me and the tv
so.....
do you remember when i told you....
eyes dodge again
out tumbles word
after
word
and i realize in that moment
how strong our love is
how tight our bond is
how much i want this moment to last forever

it is just a moment
so it will
pass
but
our love will forever remain

How

2008-01-18T14:48:00.001-05:00

how can I help us become a team
when
I try to reach out to you and be your friend
I'm hit with the nagging, nosy card
but
then when I don't know, it's like...well you didn't ask

when is it okay to ask
when is it not okay?

why
can't I figure out how to reach you?
I want to be friends
a Team

Then you say
I just don't talk like that
well what is to become of a budding relationship
if
you just don't talk like that

how

am I

supposed to reach you

to connect

so we can become us, a team...

2007-10-11T15:26:00.001-04:00

I think I'm unsure of what I'm feeling right now. I'd say it's a cross between dejection and uncertainty. Are you intending to be rude to me and make me walk away or are you just unsure of how to handle yourself in a relationship?
It's got me feeling like walking away,
Like turning on my heel and walking in the other direction.
I have no desire to be hurt again...
no desire to be undesired.
I can bad all by myself.
I can't read you,
don't know what you're trying to tell me.
My uncertainty coupled with my past only leaves me more confused and wanting to walk away. If I base my decision on the past, I'd have to leave in order to protect me.
Because no one's going to look out for me like I can look out for myself. No one, except God. And maybe He's telling me to look out for me...
Then you say things like, "Everything has to be so nice for you."
And, "Oh, because I didn't say it nicely enough..."
And those sentences echo in my head and the bitterness behind them creeps into my thoughts so much so that I woke up this morning with a headache and a bad stomach. Somethings got to give...is it me or is it you? Or is it this?
I just don't know what to do...sometimes the things you do make me feel so unloved, so left out there all alone. And I've been here before...I've stood in the gap before. But it's just too soon, too fresh, for me to embark upon that task once again. I can't lay myself out there so early for you and not receive the same in return. Where is your compromise, your compassion, your nurturing side? Who's going to hold me when I want to cry? Who's going to kiss me on the forehead and tell me it's okay? Who's going to love me in spite of all that I do? Why do I feel like I constantly give all of me in return for a short stick? And I tell myself time and time again that I'm going to just leave you out there dangling one day so you can see how it feels, but my heart won' t let me do that. So I'm torn...stuck between a rock and a hard place. Do I run away and give up, am I even giving up or am I simply tired of trying to make it work? Trying to force it? Are you where you want to be? Or are you attempting to elevate to another level with me as a team? Is this what God has for me? I don't think people are supposed to give and give and receive nothing in return...not in relationships at least. That means there's only one person in the relationship...the person who's giving all of themselves.
When I voice my opinion or frustrations, it's always, "You always complain." Or "Nothing is ever good enough." And I feel like I'm stuck always arguing a case to a judge and jury instead of talking to an equal who I'm in a relationship with. Everything has to be validated by your rules, your standards...otherwise, it's not valid to you. That leaves me feeling dejected and silly for the way I feel and no one should be made to feel that way. My feelings are valid, just like every humans are. I deserve to be heard. I deserve to be able to feel like I can talk about my feelings without being placed on trial.
I want you to be warm, loving, caring, nurturing. And part of me realizes that may be difficult based on experiences in your life. But that same part of me also realizes that I've accepted and adapted to some of the things you do because of your experiences in your life. But there comes a point where I won't sacrifice. I want my relationship to be warm and fuzzy. A relationship doesn't come "No Assembly Required," it takes work from both ends. Hard work at that. You don't just pull out you "relationship directions" and follow #1-10 in this situation and 11-13 for an argument...and let's not forget 14-19 when she's upset. That's not how it works! Every person is different, every person requires different responses, touches, words even. So why come into this like just because you're a good person and you do the right thing, that's supposed to be enough. There are millions of great people who do great things that get divorced every year. It's so much deeper than that. It's about truly understanding what your partner wants/needs and working to make sure you provide that. It's about growing together as a team and not just growing as individuals. It's about compromising and sacrifice. They say that loves conquers all...so I'm wondering, is this love, or just some imitation? If it were love, would you work on being more feeling because you know that's what's important to me? Just like I've worked on not being so feeling because I know it's not easy for you? And don't get me wrong, there are places where you've grown so much. Oftentimes I can say something to you and you may not respond but I'll notice a difference the next time. So perhaps it is love...then there are times like this where I feel so (for lack of a better word) shitty inside and you don't provide any peace or compassion. It's in these times that I'm left feeling so unsettled and confused. It's during these times that I wake up with headaches and a sick stomach. It's during these times that I need someone to love me right where I am. It's during these times that I need you to connect with the feeling side of you because that's what I'm missing right now. That's what I need...I need to connect with the feeling part of me that I disconnected in order to accommodate. I need to be reminded of the reasons that we fell in love, I need to be told that you still feel the same way and that you're in this for those reasons still. Not just out of respect or because our lives are connected in so many ways.
As Jay says..."Where is the love?"

The Shallowness

2007-05-29T10:44:00.001-04:00

I'm to the point now where I'm frustrated with a lot of people in my life who weren't friends but associates...and I'm wondering if I was as shallow as I now see they are. I get frustrated when I think about it...and yes, since these are not necessarily my friends, it really doesn't matter. But regardless...I'm questioning what type of people I chose to hang around.

So just because HE doesn't play football, doesn't wear white tees, doesn't wear his jeans extra baggy, doesn't stand on the wall in the club, doesn't consider rubbing his dick all over some random chick's booty to be dancing...HE's less of a man? HE's not good enough for me? I shouldn't talk to HIM?

So you think you have the right to turn your nose up at HIM? Crack jokes about HIM? Mumble things under your breath and snicker to your other shallow friends? Oh but you're not man/woman enough to say them out loud?!

Last time I checked, a person's....

style of dress,
profession,
physical characteristics...

didn't dictate their worthiness to be in a relationship with another person.

I guess if HE wore white tees, HE'd be gangsta enough to take care of me?
I guess if HE wore a jersey instead of a dress shirt for work, HE'd be "cool enough?"
and I suppose if HE was six inches taller, HE wouldn't be my "bite size" friend?

Are you really that shallow?

If HE makes me laugh,
makes me smile,
makes me happy,
Loves me unconditionally,
is more man than ANY of you football toting, white tee wearing, low self esteem having wannabes could EVER be...
THEN does that mean I'm wrong for loving HIM?

At the end of the day...is it more important to have all the material possessions in the world or all the happiness in the world? You take your pick, but don't you dare judge or look down on me for making my decision and being damn proud with it. When it's late at night, and you can't find your "man," mine will be right beside me. When you're calling and don't get an answer, I'll call and be greeting with, "What's up baby?" When you don't hear from him for two or three days, I'll see HIM everyday. Because it's just that simple...while you're out cleat chasing and being so shallow and materialistic, I'm on to BIGGER and BETTER things. I'm into happiness, I'm into ME, I'm into being comfortable in my own skin, I'm into true black love. So tell me Ms. Cleat Chaser...how does it feel when you're all alone at night, wondering when he's going to call, wanting him to care but knowing deep down there are a dozen more just like you waiting for the same thing. And to you...Mr. YES Mr. Cleat Chaser...how does it feel when you're so caught up living your life through your "friend," that life passes you by and you have nothing to show for it. His life, is NOT your life...be a man, make your own decisions. And I hate to break it to you, but at the end of the day...your boy, is just that...a boy with a few dollars in his pocket. he's looking out for himself, not you and not anyone else.

I can't imagine what your life must be like...truly unhappy with yourself deep down so you seek validation by going for and only going for a certain "type" of man, no let's make that male. That male is never going to validate you and you're never going to be happy until you are first happy with yourself. So before you snicker, or mumble under your breath...check yourself because you don't want none of this...

The L-Bomb

2007-05-01T12:01:00.001-04:00

Do we have to have a "title" for me to love you?
People love their friends and families. So I can love you and not be in something that has a "title" with you.
Do you need the title to be honest with yourself about your feelings?
I'm confident in who I am. I love me, so it doesn't matter if you love me or not....I'll be aight. And I can say that yeah, I love you...like I'm really feeling you, in your words. And no, it doesn't matter that you haven't said that to me. It doesn't even matter if you never say that to me. I think you're a great person, a great man and I'm proud to say I love you. I'm proud to say I stepped outside of my norm,
after someone tried to steal my joy,
and decided to love you ANYWAY.
Hell no, I'm not scared to say it and
Hell no, I don't care if you ever say it...
I'm comfortable with me loving you and having no "title."

What's in a title?

2007-05-01T11:43:00.001-04:00

I mean, do we really have to title this thing?

Can't we just call it a friendship? a relationship?

Why the title? Because it shows possession...like I belong to you, you belong to me?
But do we ever truly belong to anyone but God?

So if we have a title does that mean...
you'll never leave me?
never break my heart?
won't tell me lies?
always make me smile? not cry?
be faithful?
be respectful?

If we have a title does that mean...
we're going to get married?
both working towards the same goal?
i really know who you are?
i can feel safe and protected when i'm with you?
you'd give me your last?
you truly have my back?

THEN WHY IS THE TITLE RELEVANT?!