So what would a chompy old herbivore like myself have to add to a topic such as this? Why did he send me the link? Heh, somebody should totally write a satire. Hey, I should totally write a satire! And off I went, undoubtedly pushing a more pressing project aside for a few hours to craft my cunning snark.

Fast forward a few weeks, and the scaredy-cats posted their list of finalists, containing a few safe entries instead about “reformed vegetarians” and the like. Read them at your own risk, but please not while operating heavy machinery as they may induce drowsiness.

Hating the thought of my <600 word satire masterpiece dying unseen… my Jonathan Swift moment being completely wasted, I thought I’d post it here for my nine friends and faithful readers to enjoy. Heck, maybe I’ll submit it as a Letter to the Editor via Twitter to give it another shot at the printed life it deserved. Hmmm, I should totally do that. Cool, I just did.

Care to help a brother out and RT me? It’s worth a(nother) shot…

Yo @NYTmag @bittman @michaelpollan! This was the obvious winner for the meat ethics piece. U accidentally overlooked it randyclemens.com/2012/05/01/ny-…

— Randy Clemens (@RandyClemensEsq) May 1, 2012

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On the ethics of eating meat: a call to action

Perhaps I’ve been living under a rock my whole life, but this writing contest? You mean to tell me there are actually people who think that eating meat isn’t ethical? Really? Not only is it ethical, it’s American and manly! Like me. But beneath my macho exterior, there’s a guy who cares for animals deeply. So much so, that I believe not eating meat is terribly unethical. Wait…what? You might be scratching your head: “How does one love animals and feel a need to kill them?” Allow me to explain.

You see, we’re being bombarded with countless undercover hippie documentaries, often showing poor, de-beaked and wounded chickens jammed together in never-ending rows of tiny battery cages. Others focus on cows that have been packed into disease-ridden feedlots, wallowing through piles of their own feces for their entire lives. Others show pigs that have had their tails cut off (standard practice, without anesthesia no less) that are kept in restrictive crates that prevent them from even being able to turn around. It’s wildly depressing to consider, and frankly, something has to be done.

Fellow carnivores, our time has come! The truth has become clear, and we must acknowledge one simple fact: the less meat we consume, the longer these mistreated creatures have to suffer. Armed with this basic yet powerful message, it is my hope that we can help severely limit farm animal abuse. But we must band together! Luckily, my organization—Meateaters Unanimously Rejoice: Death Equals Righteousness (M.U.R.D.E.R.)—is currently welcoming new members who want to increase their compassionate killing quota to help make this world a more peaceful place.

I need your pledge to help spread M.U.R.D.E.R.’s message far and wide. We need to call on Smithfield, Tyson, and other monolith meat producers to help sponsor our new, powerful commercial we’ve created that shows the deplorable conditions in their own factories, set against a heart-wrenching backdrop of Sarah McLachlan music designed to maximize dramatic effect. And just as the shot of a downer cow being forced around by a forklift comes on, a calm, but concerned voice-over breaks in to reassure disturbed viewers: “Eating more meat is the only way to liberate these poor unfortunate souls from their man-made prisons…”

But beyond advocating for increased meat consumption, we must also focus our efforts on discrediting those few rogue nutjobs who are actually making arguments to promote eating less meat. Jonathan Safran Foer? Vegeterrorist. Mark Bittman? Meh. No one even reads the Times. Michael Pollan, that self-righteous eat-food-not-too-much-mostly-plants guy? Total. Asshole. How can we let them feed people their message when it’s so obvious that they want these animals to suffer? It’s threatening our American way of living, and I won’t stand for it!

We can no longer ignore the pain these animals endure. We must push for legislative change requiring bacon on every burger and sliced chicken breast on every salad. Start petitions, harness social media, splurge for the full rack of ribs next time you dine out. Whatever steps you can take will truly make a difference for these tortured creatures. After all, they’re not going to kill themselves. But YOU can help! Be an accessory to M.U.R.D.E.R.! Kill them not just because it’s the ethical thing to do, but because it’s our moral obligation. We might not be able to stop all the suffering, but we are changing the world… one meat lover’s pizza at a time.

=========================================

P.S. I’m aware that this post is flanked by links to my books, which contain plenty of carnivorous recipes. Previous life… I’m all veg now.

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3. The Sriracha Cookbook Official Book Release Party

Click the sexy cover to check out the magazine & read my "Wheat Beer...With A Twist?" article in the debut issue of Edible Westside.

A few years ago, I wrote up a couple pretty sweet articles for a now-defunct magazine called Edible Los Angeles. (And I know what you’re thinking… but noooo, it did not go out of business because of my writing.) For reasons unbeknownst to me, and unimportant to this post, it went bye-bye. Ho hum.

Fast forward to June 2011, and I get this email in my inbox from a polite stranger by the name of Linzy May Mahoney, who tells me she’s looking to publish a new Los Angeles edition under the Edible Communities umbrella. (Did you know there are around 70 of these awesome hyper-local magazines all across the country? Even having worked with them before, I had no idea!) So Linzy introduces herself, tries to win some points (successfully) by telling me she loves Sriracha and my cookbook, and asks if I’d be interested in writing about beer for her new publication, Edible Westside. Naturally, I said hell yes.

How could I not? She was so passionate about wanting to highlight the brilliant artisans, great home cooks, dedicated farmers, and talented chefs, bartenders, and retailers that are continually working to shape and redefine our thoughts on eating and drinking. And as the name implies, Edible Westside would be focusing heavily on the west side of Los Angeles, in neighborhoods with pretty exciting culinary culture, like Santa Monica, Venice, Marina del Rey, Culver City, and Malibu, among others. I was definitely in.

For her inaugural issue, which just launched on March 1, I wrote a focus on wheat beers, explaining the use of wheat as a beer ingredient and several styles that typically use it. In addition, I put together a little cheat sheet that gives a brief overview of wheat beers made in and around Los Angeles including Golden Road Hefeweizen, Craftsman Heavenly Hefe, TAPS Hefeweizen, Manifesto Eagle Rock Wit, El Segundo White Dog Wheat IPA, The Bruery Hottenroth Berliner Weiss, and Ladyface La Blanche Wit. The entire article, and actually the entire magazine, can be read for free right here: Edible Westside, Spring 2012 issue.

(And if you’re after a physical paper copy, here’s a map of Edible Westside distribution points that shows where you can find one around town.)

It’s been really incredible to see how much work she’s put into this, and I’ve loved watching the whole thing come together. It came out looking absolutely stunning, and I couldn’t be more proud of Linzy. I mean, seriously… she started a friggin magazine! And I’m super stoked to have had the chance to be a small part of that. Now, I’ve gotta get back to writing; I’ve got a deadline for my article in the summer issue that will be out in June!

To keep up on all things awesome in between quarterly issues:
 Like Facebook.com/EdibleWestside
 Follow @EdibleWestside on Twitter

(P.S. It’s worth noting that I also wrote a blog post for EdibleWestside.com back in November that was all about porters & stouts, with interviews from Rob Croxall, Bremaster at the El Segundo Brewing Company, and Victor Macias, a 13-year veteran of Pacific Gravity, the local Culver City homebrew club. Dig it.)

Related posts:

1. Beer Advocate # 34 — Back to Basics
2. The Craft of Stone Brewing Co.: Liquid Lore, Epic Recipes, and Unabashed Arrogance
3. Featured Beer Tweeter: DrinkWithTheWench.com

The Craft of Stone Brewing Co. by Greg Koch and Steve Wagner with Randy Clemens

It is with great pride that I announce the publication of my next book, The Craft of Stone Brewing Co.: Liquid Lore, Epic Recipes, and Unabashed Arrogance, gracing bookstore shelves on September 27, 2011. Not long after completing the manuscript for my first book (The Sriracha Cookbook: 50 “Rooster Sauce” Recipes That Pack a Punch), I started thinking about what on earth I wanted to do next. My answer? I wanted to write about one of my favorite craft breweries: Stone Brewing Co.

I worked tirelessly one evening back in January 2010, drawing up a completely unsolicited pitch email to Stone’s (in)famous CEO, Greg Koch, finally sending it off at 2:55am, telling myself I’d follow up if I hadn’t heard back within two weeks. Naturally, you can imagine my surprise waking up to a personal reply in my inbox at 6:53am!

Greg and I emailed back in forth a few times, coincidentally bumped into each other at a food industry trade show in San Francisco, and finally set up a meeting down at the brewery proper.  I’d honed my pitch and expanded it to encompass a wide spectrum of topics–the history of beer and how it’s made, the history of Stone, its beers, and how it has grown, a food pairing primer, recipes from the award-winning Stone Brewing World Bistro & Gardens, as well as never before published homebrew formulas  for some of Stone’s most prized beers.

After getting the nod from Greg, I approached the illustrious Melissa Moore, my WONDERFUL editor at Ten Speed Press, and got a book proposal in her hands. Lucky for us, she’s quite the fan of craft beer, and she championed for this project just as much as we did!

And so began the leg work. Living in Los Angeles at the time, I drove down to San Diego on weekends to interview my co-authors, the co-founders of Stone Brewing: Steve Wagner and the aforementioned Greg. I dug through old photos, talked with lots of amazing people, tested a ton of great recipes,  and became even more enamored with Stone…AND San Diego.

One day, in the midst of it all, Creative Director Mike Palmer (aka Mike of Mike’s Beer Cheese fame) pulled me aside and said, “Hey, are you aware of this job posting for a Public Relations Coordinator? I think you’d be really good for it!” I hadn’t heard about it, but he was right, I would be really good for it! Applied. Interviewed. Interviewed again. And again. Hired. Moved. Win. (Mike, you’re awesome! Thank you! So are you Karen Tibbens and Dan Schlafman!)

It’s incredible to look back on, really… this past 18 months. I count my lucky stars every day, and am so incredibly thankful for all that’s come of it. Greg and Steve, you were an absolute pleasure to work with, and getting to hear so much of your incredible story straight from you has been an amazing experience. Thank you both for being so gracious, and for believing in this little craft beer geek who thinks he’s kinda OK at writing good.

To everyone else that helped, lent their ear, offered advice or expertise, a sincere thank you to you as well. In no particular order: Mitch Steele, John Schulz and his pirate crew at StudioSchulz.com, Chris Cochran, Karen Westfall, Mike Palmer (again), Sue Daughters, Alex Carballo, “Dr.” Bill Sysak, Alice Harvey, Tausha Lopez, Andrew Higgins, Arlan Arnsten, Dan Schlafman (again), Lee Chase, Tom Matthews, Vince Marsaglia, Carlton Greenawalt, Craig Spitz, Bill Sherwood, Julie White, Jen Knudson, Amy Krone, Sergio Salgado, Katy Adams, Kathryn Bouscaren, Ken Wright, Stephen Brucher, Jacob McKean (yes, even you), Todd Colburn, Kris Ketcham, Steven Via, Melissa Moore (again), Michele Crim, Kara van de Water, Jenny Fernandez, Colleen Cain, Toni Tajima, Kristen Casemore, Wade Lucas, John Dawson, Sharon Donovan, Jason & Todd Alström, Garrett Marrero, Charlie Papazian, Bill Covaleski, and EVERYONE else who helped and supported me along the way… THANK YOU. YOU ARE INCREDIBLE PEOPLE AND I AM FOREVER INDEBTED TO YOU.

Mom, Elliot Weingarten, Sandra Hernandez…countless others, your encouragement continues to mean the world to me. Nate Sellergren and Angelo Valdespino, thank you for making me fall in love with Stone’s beers so many moons ago. And even more moons ago, a repeated thank you to Matt Finkel for getting my young, undisciplined ass to swallow my pride and finish out culinary school. (Long story… maybe I’ll tell it to you over a beer sometime.) And to the unbelievable number of like-minded friends I’ve made since getting into the worlds of food and craft beer: I love you guys. Keep doing what you’re doing. We’re shifting the needle, and making this a much better world in which to live.

Greg and Steve…again, THANK YOU! To have been a part of this project has been nothing short of surreal. Your kindness and candor made it a pleasure, even if the manuscript ran decidedly behind schedule. The company and culture that you’ve grown and fostered is an inspiration to us all. Cheers to 15 years of kickin’ ass and takin’ names. Here’s to 15 more!

Related posts:

1. Featured Beer Tweeter: DrinkWithTheWench.com
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3. Grilling With Beer: Tryout for “Grill It! With Bobby Flay”

The Master Cleanser detox plan

I’ve fallen in love with the Master Cleanse detox. I’m gearing up to do it again next week (my fourth time through it over the past 18 months), and I can’t begin to praise it highly enough. I get a lot of weird looks, and besides those I receive in general, I seem to get even more when I talk about the Master Cleanse. Then there are the inevitable questions and comments:

“Oh, the lemon juice thing? With the maple syrup and cayenne?”
“My friend did that. She lost like 10 pounds!”
“Is that even safe?”
“Aren’t you, like, starving?!” (Also: “tired” or “grumpy”)
And my personal favorite, “Oh, there’s no way I could do that!”

Bullshit. Yes, you can. Countless people have, of all shapes, sizes, and backgrounds. Far more challenging than any physical struggles is typically overcoming the perception that you will encounter any. I’ve yet to feel hungry once during one of my runs with the Master Cleanse, and I actually feel a boost of energy while I’m on it. So, how is it done?I based my version off the original Master Cleanse plan in Stanley Burroughs’ original volume, aptly titled The Master Cleanser. Yes, I’m going to tell you the main part you need to know, but I still recommend getting the book if you’re serious about giving this detox a try. It goes into far more detail, and Mr. Burroughs’ worldview is inspiring and beautiful, if not a touch nutty. (It’s like $7 on Amazon; give it a look at least.)

Now then, on with the story. The Master Cleanse is a detox. It is NOT a diet. Yes, you lose weight, but it is as a result of detoxing. Focus on cleansing your body and purging toxins, not dropping pounds. It is also NOT a fast. You are consuming about 700 calories a day, and you’re welcome to have more if you like. But it must all come from one source: the fabled lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne drink. “Ewwwwww yuck! That sounds terrible!” You know what? I actually really like it. And everybody who ever tries some of mine seems to be pleasantly surprised.

Every morning, I extract 3/4 cup lemon juice from fresh, organic lemons. To that, I add 3/4 cup of a Grade B organic maple syrup*, 1 teaspoon organic cayenne pepper, and top with 6 cups filtered water. (*This last time around, I actually did about 1/2 maple syrup and 1/2 raw agave nectar. The agave is less processed, less expensive, and it’s raw! Bonus times 3.) Shake ‘er up, and drink it throughout the day. I have a big container that I’ve drawn lines on with a Sharpie so that I can just fill to those rather than measuring out each time with a measuring cup. Saves time.

I do this every day…for ten days. I don’t die. I don’t faint. (In fact, I’m going to be continuing my training for the Chicago Half Marathon I’m running in Chicago in September.) The truth is, I feel great when I do this. And it’s because my body is getting rid of all the SHIT that piles up in one’s system over time. The lemon juice and the cayenne serve to loosen the toxins and waste kept within us, while the carbohydrates and the minerals in the natural sweeteners deliver your calories and nutrition.

Organic ingredients are a must, so that you aren’t replacing old toxins with new ones. As for the Grade B maple syrup, its mineral content is much higher than that of Grade A (since it is less refined), and to me, it tastes much better. And make sure it’s pure maple syrup, none of that corn syrup/table syrup crap they try to pawn off on you. (Yes, it is expensive. But you’re not spending anything on food for 10 days, so just get over it and pay. Or cut it with organic raw agave nectar like I do!)

And then there’s the question of pooping. Yep. “Do I have to be near a toilet 24/7?” Nope. You’re not eating anything solid, so your digestive system has little stimulation to wanna shove anything out the hatch. That’s why we have to help it out a little bit. Laxative teas, taken once or twice a day, will help expel all the toxins that the Master Cleanse is loosening in your body. (I recommend Smooth Move by Traditional Medicinals.) No laxative pills. No fiber pills. For maximum effect, there is also the salt-water flush. Well, we’ve finally stumbled across the one part of the Master Cleanse that I do NOT enjoy. But, it works wonders, and I force my way through it three times over the 10-day period.

Take 4 cups filtered warm water, and in it dissolve 2 teaspoons of fine sea salt. (I recommend Real Salt.) Now chug. It’s tough to do, and it’s best to try not to think about it. You don’t have to get it all at once, but get it all down within 15 minutes. Then, yes. You need to hang around a toilet for the next hour. When it’s ready, you better hope you’re ready! The salt water flush tastes disgusting, and is less than fun to force down, but you can tell it’s doing its job! You can opt for just laxative tea, but the salt water flush is ideal to work in if you can. (Which you absolutely can. Stop making excuses.)

“So, outside of lemon juice, maple syrup/agave, cayenne, herbal laxative tea, and salt, can I have anything else?” No. No solid food. Zero. Drinks? Water. Lots of water. No coffee, tea, soda (you should stop drinking soda anyway), alcohol, juice, nada. Just water. No gum. The chewing will stimulate your digestive system and make it think food is coming. When no food arrives, you will be hungry and cranky and tempted to quit. Don’t do it.

So let’s lay out the plan. You’re going to need (approximately):

• 40-50 fresh, local, organic lemons
• 3 750mL containers organic grade B pure maple syrup (again, feel free to substitute some organic raw agave nectar)
• 1 small container organic cayenne pepper
• 1 box (20 bags) herbal laxative tea
• Finely ground sea salt

The night before the cleanse, do not ingest any solid food after 8pm. The following morning, start your day with a nice salt water flush. (Alternately, you can have a cup of laxative tea before bed the previous night.) Then, make your “detox drank” and keep your mind focused on the positive change you’ve chosen to make, and how incredible it will feel to overcome a challenge you (and plenty of others) didn’t think you’d be able to! Enjoy it throughout the day, while ignoring distractions, and having fun answering people when they ask what you’re drinking. At the end of the day, drink another cup of herbal laxative tea. Get plenty of rest, wake up, and repeat.

I drink two cups of the laxative tea each day, one in the morning and one at night, except for the three days that I opt to do the dreaded salt water flush. One to two “movements” a day is all that you should expect from it, really. At least, that’s been my experience.

One oddity you may encounter: a white, fuzzy coating on your tongue. Totally normal. Don’t even worry about it.

After the 10 days have passed, you should ease yourself back into solid food, starting with some freshly squeezed orange juice or a very light vegetable broth, working your way back up. Whatever you do, don’t gorge yourself, and don’t return to poor eating habits that you entered the detox to do away with in the first place. Ditch the high fructose corn syrup and artificial flavors/colors. Forget that fast food exists. No powders. More fresh, local, organic produce. Educate yourself on the ramifications your diet can have on your health, and the planet’s! Especially if you eat meat!

“Can I do it for less than 10 days?” Yes, but why bother? You won’t give your body the chance to really dig deep and flush everything out. CHALLENGE YOURSELF. This really is 99% mental, and you can do it if you put your mind to it! I’ve read about people who’ve done it for 40 days. Crazy. Who knows? Maybe I’ll be one of ‘em someday. But for now, I’m extremely happy with my little 10-day commitment every six months. I hope you’ll join me and make a step toward bettering your own health! YOU CAN DO IT!

Questions? Comments? Leave ‘em in the comments section and I’ll be glad to answer ‘em! And feel free to chime in with any experiences you’ve had if you’ve done the Master Cleanse in the past!

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This is easily my most-requested recipe, and I’m sorry it took me so long to post it. Sprouted garbanzo beans are an excellent source of protein, and their delicious, nutty — almost grassy — flavor helps to make this raw hummus a real crowd pleaser. It’s a lot of fun to make, and the unique texture that comes from using the raw sprouted garbanzo beans is what I think puts it over the top.

Sprouted garbanzo beans can be found at some Whole Foods Market locations, farmers markets, and health food stores. Or, you can always sprout your own garbanzo beans.

Sprouted Raw Hummus Recipe

Ingredients:

• 3 cups sprouted garbanzo beans
• 7 cloves garlic, peeled
• 2 1/2 teaspoons Celtic sea salt
• Juice of 1 lemon
• 1/4 cup raw tahini
• 2 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil, plus more for garnish
• 2 tablespoons ground cumin, plus more for garnish
• 1/2 teaspoon ground cayenne pepper

Preparation:

1. In a large food processor, combine the sprouted garbanzo beans, garlic, and salt.
2. Pulse to coarsely chop the mixture.
3. Add in the remaining ingredients, and process until a thick, slightly chunky paste is formed. You may adjust the consistency with more olive oil or a splash of water, if desired.
4. Check seasoning and adjust, to taste. Refrigerate for at least an hour, to allow the flavors to marry.
5. Serve the raw hummus in a medium bowl, making a divot at the top.
6. Drizzle a generous spot of olive oil into the crater, and shake a few sprinkles of cumin over the hummus.
7. Serve alongside pita bread, flax crackers, sprouted grain tortillas, or vegetable crudité.

Makes 6 to 8 servings

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To sprout garbanzo beans, also known as chickpeas, select a large glass jar or plastic food container that will allow for the beans to expand to up to three times their original size. Place dried (preferably organic) garbanzo beans in your sprouting vessel, and fill with about three times as much filtered water by volume. Cover the jar with a layer or two of cheesecloth, strapped on tight with a rubber band. Let the garbanzo beans soak at room temperature for 8-12 hours, away from direct sunlight. After their initial soak, drain the water off completely, and replace the jar in its cool, dark resting place.

Although unseen at this point, the miracle of life is beginning to unfold in your kitchen. The garbanzo beans are beginning to sprout, and a great number of biological changes are underway. During their nice, long bath, the chickpeas took in a great deal of water. This causes the bean to think that it is being planted in the ground, and germination begins. Enzymatic inhibitors shut down, and the enzymes present in the garbanzo bean turn proteins into amino acids (garbanzo beans contain all 8 essential amino acids!), complex carbohydrates are broken down into simpler, more digestible starches and natural sugars, and nutrients like vitamins B, C, and E are produced in great numbers.

After draining the soaking water from the garbanzo beans, they should be rinsed and drained once or twice daily. After about two or three days, small sprouts should be visible at the top of each bean. They may not be visible on every bean, but that’s okay. At this point, if desired, you may let the beans absorb a few hours of sunlight to promote additional vitamin C and chlorophyll production.

When the beans have sprouted sufficiently, give them another good rinse, and store in the refrigerator until ready to use. This will greatly slow the sprouting process, and will allow you to keep the garbanzo beans for up to a month.

As with all food, be sure to follow stringent sanitation practices. Cleanliness is especially necessary when dealing with raw foods and sprouts. Wash your hands with soap and hot water before working with the beans at every stage of sprouting. Rinsing the garbanzo beans once or twice daily is essential, both for sanitation, and for keeping the beans from drying out. Make sure your sprouting container and all surfaces that your beans come in contact with are clean and away from potential contaminants. Be sure to rinse them thoroughly just before use. Look your sprouted beans over, checking for mold or signs of rotting. If, after rinsing, you notice a foul odor or anything “off”, toss them. As the old adage says, “When in doubt, throw it out.”

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