Rank and Bile

Rank & Bile- Farewwell

2007-02-12T09:10:00.000-08:00

Dear readers

Having returned from my holiday I have decided to put the Rank & Bile site to bed, I have been Blogging for a year now and feel “Ive been there and done that” I’d like to thank all of the nearly 100,300 visitors over the last year and their 260,000 page views.

When I started this Blog I was hoping for, maybe, 200 hits a month by the end there were over 2000 a week. So a huge Thank You to you all especially my regular readers: Eric, L.Vo, China Blue, Camp David, JJ, Janice, Celia, Cawfee Guy, Simon and Jonny.

Who knows one day Rank & Bile may return!

Myles x

What The Hell Happened To Tyra Banks Tree Trunk Thighs?

2007-01-27T05:34:00.000-08:00

Tyra Banks ex model turned TV Host, has hit back at paparazzi pics and articles in the press about her recent weight gain. Tyra who admits to gaining weight since she gave up modelling says the media’s obsession with weight has gone too far and intends to devote an episode of her show to addressing the issue. She hasn’t stopped there either on the cover of People Magazine a swimsuit clad Tyra asks the question:

“You call this fat?”

In a further spread inside Tyra goes on to claim:

“If I had lower self esteem I would probably be starving myself right now”

Well done Tyra very commendable!

However!…All of this might sound very noble, had it not been for the fact that People have very clearly Photo-shopped half her thighs out of the pictures! Either that or the girls had major Lypo since the pap shots were taken.

Cos there is no way they are the same thighs!

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Katie Holmes And Posh Do Paris Again

2007-01-27T05:12:00.000-08:00

Katie Holmes has been allowed out again from the clutches of Tom and once again her ~~minder~~ friend Posh accompanied her! The girls created quite a stir as they hit the Paris fashion shows for the second time this year.
Katie in a desperate attempt to recapture her youth even attempted a Britney/Paris style exit from one of the limo’s. Luckily for us the dress didn’t ride quite as far up as Britney and Lindsay’s have been known to!

I’m sure over protective Tom isn’t going to like that but now that Posh and Becks are due to move to the US he will at least have a constant ~~minder~~ friend on call for Katie, in case she tries to escape again.

Meanwhile, whilst Posh shopped in Paris, Madame Tussaud’s shipped over their waxworks of the Beckham’s to the US to celebrate their move. Maybe they figured the dummies would be more entertaining for the Americans and look a lot more natural!

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Tom Cruise Hailed As The Christ Of Scientology!

2007-01-27T04:57:00.000-08:00

Whilst his wife is in Paris, it seems Tom has taken a trip of his own, to crazy town!

The diminutive actor, who is a devout follower of the scientology cult, has been hailed by leaders of the faith as the "chosen one" who will spread the word of the religion.

High-ranking Scientologist David Miscavige is convinced in years to come Crazy Cruise, will be worshipped like Jesus all over the world as he becomes a prophet for the religion.

A source close to the actor is quoted by The Sun newspaper as
saying: "Tom has been told he is Scientology's Christ-like figure. Just like Christ, he has been criticized for his views. But future generations will realize he was right, just like Jesus."

Hmm does that mean we get to crucify the crazy loon?

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Madonna Forces Family To Endure Her New Film

2007-01-27T04:53:00.000-08:00

Madge’s baby David may be settling in ok according to Madonna but his father is still not happy and is apparently, about to fly to London, to check up on his son. This might explain his absence from the media circus that accompanied the Richie family outing to the premiere of Madonna’s latest ~~turkey~~ film “Arthur and The Invisibles”.

Luckily for us Esther remains invisible in the film too, as she is only the voice of one of the films animated characters. Though rumours are, her performance, though only vocal, is up to her usual standards!

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Kate Winslet Is Photo-Shopped To Death

2007-01-27T04:25:00.000-08:00

Funny how Kate Winslet, long time advocate of larger women being portrayed in the media, is more than happy to be airbrushed into oblivion in photo-shoots.

So much so that I didn't even recognise her on the cover of this month's magazine "Hollywood Life".

Luckily the magazine helpfully plastered her name in big print on the cover or no one would have known it was her!

Now I'm all fin favour of a little touch up here and there. But really! It does help if the person is vaguely recognisable!

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Madge's Tat All Over H & M Stores

2007-01-27T04:09:00.000-08:00

Here’s one of the first shots of Madonna photographed by Steven Klein for her “M” line for H&M. Madonna has designed a line of clothing and sunglasses for the retailer. Let’s hope it sells a bit better than that nasty cheap track suit she tried to flog for them earlier in the year!

Is it me or is there a striking resemblance to the ads she did for Versace?

Well, the ads may look similar but I bet the clothes aren’t. I’m sure the Versace togs aren’t made of nylon and fall apart after one wash! What is she thinking hawking this crap all over the High Street! She must really need the money? But then I guess babies don’t come cheap these days!

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Pete Burns To Sue Surgeon! - Followed By Stylist?

2007-01-27T03:48:00.000-08:00

Pete Burns, is suing his plastic surgeon for a reported £1m. Pete hired the surgeon to remove lip implants and the surgery didn’t go as planned. He’s now claiming that the messed up procedure

has ruined his career and life.

He said, “It has taken away my life and my career. I saw doctors in London who said the only option was to amputate my lips. I was suicidal.

“Eventually I found a doctor in Italy who knew the product and said he could remove it. I had 17 months of procedures and now I am back again having more.”

He has now had almost 100 procedures to correct the mess.

Pete said, “What happened to me after a series of injections was far worse than any nightmare I could have envisaged. Not only was it agonisingly painful but it was physically repulsive in the extreme. It was impossible to lead any life whatsoever. I was unable to leave my house as I was so distorted with swelling.

“At times it leaves me seriously suicidal and depressed and I could have problems for the rest of my life.”

Ouch! If that’s not a warning for anyone contemplating a trout pout I don’t know what is? Are you listening Melanie Griffiths?!!

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Parasite Hilton's Dirty Secrets All Over The Internet

2007-01-27T03:19:00.000-08:00

Well it’s good and bad news this week for old wonky eye, Parisite Hilton; The good news is that she managed to get away with just 36-months of probation and a $390 fine for her drunk driving case.

The bad news is that the the website Paris Hilton Exposed received record hits and the contents leaked all over the internet. The site is the result of personal papers videos and files of Paris which were sold by a storage company for unpaid bills. Some bright spark bought them and put the lot online.

Unfortunately for Hilton these include a whole loada new Paris sex tapes plus a number of other embarrassing items including: prescriptions for OxyContin used to manage anxiety disorders, post-party sleep aid Ambien and the herpes medication Valtrex. Ewww! And a medical bill from a Los Angeles clinic, billing an "Amber Taylor" - with the same birth date as Paris - for a miscarriage in March 2003.

All the videos are in one download here .

Shorter downloads of parts of the tapes are at the following links: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10

And this is the woman who called Britney an animal!

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You Tube Favourite - Ann Miller Feels A Song Coming On

2007-01-21T15:21:00.000-08:00

You Tube is a bloggers dream especially when you can't be bothered to post much! There are some real gems on there so I thought I'd post some of my favourites each month.

This months favourite is yet again, the incomparable Ann Miller and her legendary helmet hair, this time on the "Dinah Shore show", pushing, her then Broadway hit, "Sugar Babies" and opening with a belting version of "I feel A song Coming On" As ever the voice and hair are as big as ever! Enjoy!

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Jake Gyllenhaal

2007-01-20T06:02:00.000-08:00

The I Definitely Would Hunk Of The Month

GQ features the delectable Jake Gyllenhaal on their cover this month and the hottie never looked hotter!

He just seems to get better and better as he gets older. He may not be conventionally handsome but the boy certainly has something and those eyes are just dreamy.

I guess it also doesn’t hurt he has a fantastic body after all that cycling and running with fellow dreamboat Matthew McConaughey definitely paid off (lycra never looked so good!)

It looks like he’s no stranger to the gym either, if those biceps are anything to go by! If all that wasn’t enough he has one of the cutest smiles in Hollywood.

I’m ashamed to say, I was never much of a fan before Brokeback Mountain but he’s certainly got my attention now! Woof!

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Raquel Welch Sensational At Sixty Seven

2007-01-20T05:58:00.000-08:00

She may be of pension-able age, but Raquel Welch could still give some of the younger It girls a run for her money! Still stunning in her sixties the old girl turned up for a MAC cosmetics party in her honour looking fabulous. It may be mostly surgery but hey! That’s great looking surgery!

Raquel will be following previous legends, Diana Ross, Liza Minnelli and Catherine Deneuve as the face of their “Icons” cosmetic campaign.

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You Were Never Fuglier - Britney Spears

2007-01-20T05:47:00.000-08:00

Good grief isn’t it bad enough that Britney looks like her stylist is Helen Keller and her weaves were borrowed from Whitney in her crack days? Does she also have to go around pulling the most unflattering faces as well?

Surely after all this time in the public eye Britney has learned that when the paps are around you try and smile and look composed instead of looking like a retarded child! Lately I’m starting to wonder if we weren’t better off looking at her cooter, than that sulky sow of a face.

Sort it out Britney and while you’re at it learn some table manners the pictures of you eating lunch, nearly made me lose mine!

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Good Riddance To Goody And Her Gob

2007-01-20T05:16:00.000-08:00

So after all the histrionics in the Celebrity Big Brother House this week, Jade Goody got evicted. It seems incredible that a dreary reality show could result in a diplomatic incident and force the Prime Minister to answer questions in Parliament! The only good thing is that Ghastly Goody and fellow bully Danielle Lloyd have lost several valuable merchandising deals and are pretty much the most hated people in Britain.

Just before her eviction Jade addressed the nation via the diary room, “I aint racial” (I’m assuming the dumb blob meant racist) blubbed the vile fish wife.

To be honest I don’t care if she’s racist and in all honesty she probably isn’t, I’m just glad to see the back of the mealy mouthed fishwife and her pig ugly face. She may not be racist but she’s an overbearing stupid bully and I really hope Shilpa goes on to win if only to show that class will out!

Shilpa claims she’s there to represent her country presumably Jermaine Jackson and Dirk Benedict feel the same way, how depressing that our representatives in the UK are Jade Goody and her coven of fellow imbeciles, who can barely speak English.

Thanks to the producers of Celebrity Big Brother the UK is now a laughing stock.

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Kate Moss Not So pretty On Her Birthday

2007-01-20T05:11:00.000-08:00

Well Kate Moss and Pete Doherty had something to celebrate this week. Pete, in court again, managed to avoid a prison sentence for the millionth time (surely his luck is gonna run out soon?) and Kate celebrated her 33^rd birthday, which in model years is like 103 but give the girl her due she’s still working and top of the model heap!

Ironic then, that Kate spent her birthday wasted and looking like the wreck of the Hesperus, a look more usually associated with her boyfriend. Whilst Pete called it a night early and looked relatively together! Looks like all the birthday partying with Sadie Frost & co. took its toll on Kate.

If she wants to stay top of the heap much longer a few early nights are in order!

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Car Crash of The Month - Cameron Diaz

2007-01-18T07:02:00.000-08:00

Now that Justin Timberlake got his "sexy back" and dumped her Cameron Diaz is obviously not taking the split well. Unlike Reese Witherspoon who never looked better since her split with Ryan Philippe and pretty much stole the show at The Golden Globes. Cameron is obviously over compensating with a hideous new hair colour and trowled on drag queen slap, to add to her woes she also sported one of the worst frock horrors on the red carpet.

Whilst Cameron has had a fixed smile for the media recently and claimed in a recent interview

“I love being alone, and being by myself. And I’m reallye! Cameron n good at it too.

“Not in a weird ‘leave me alone’ kind of way, but I’m just much more comfortable when I’m by myself.”

It seems the reality is that she is taking the break up very badly; Page Six reports:

Cameron Diaz is not over Justin Timberlake just yet, and things got heated when she saw her ex chatting up Jessica Biel in L.A. after the Golden Globes. Sources say the temperamental star "blew up" at Biel after she saw Timberlake flirting with her. Diaz followed Timberlake to the In Style party at the Hilton Oasis, where "they had an awkward conversation." The "Charlie's Angels" star then trailed Timberlake to the Beverly Hilton rooftop for the Universal party, where she found him chatting up Biel - and screamed at the "Illusionist" star.

"If that's how she wants to get him back, it won't work," said our insider. "She's desperate."

Hmm happy to be alone? Sounds more like bunny boiling stalker to me she needs to get a grip before she ends up becoming the new Jennifer Aniston and whiles she’s at it ditch the lousy hair colour and clown make up and get a bit of dignity!

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Lindsay Lohan & Her Decimated Liver Check Into Rehab

2007-01-18T06:08:00.000-08:00

Well it’s hardly a surprise but Lindsay Lohan has checked herself and her decimated liver into Rehab. At only 20 it’s pretty sad that things have to come to this but Lindsay remains up-beat releasing the following statement:

"I have made a proactive decision to take care of my personal health. I appreciate your well wishes and ask that you please respect my privacy at this time."

Ironically the man who originally branded her “Firecrotch” Brandon Davis ~~the beached whale~~ oil heir was instrumental in persuading Lindsay to check herself into The Wonderland treatment centre in Los Angeles.

Let’s just hope she stays in there for a bit and gets well. Unlike Nicole Richie and her Rehab spell that saw her out clubbing almost straight away!

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Frock Horrors At the Golden Globes

2007-01-16T15:40:00.000-08:00

Last night's Golden Globes red carpet was a huge disappointment. Normally there at least a dozen monstrosities paraded down the red carpet but this year everyone was playing it safe sartorially and the result was a well groomed but ultimately dull showing.

However all was not entirely lost, despite the best stylists money can buy someone always gets it drastically wrong and whilst year there may have been less of them than usual there was still some ghastly garb on display. So here we present the Golden Globe Frock Horrors for 2007:

First up Beyonce! Lordy! That bitch needs to stop letting her mother dress her cos judging by this ghastly gold number her mother is in fact a retired Drag Queen from Arkansas. Well thank heavens, at least her wig was glued on right this time!

Vanessa Williams of Ugly Betty Fame. Good grief! The dress is actually not bad. But what’s with the dead animal act on top?

Unfortunately it looks like the fur is real unlike that fright wig she’s wearing! Crikey! Even Whitney on crack sported better weaves than that bird nest.

Jennifer Love-Hewitt eek! Busy, busy, busy. Like her name there's just too much of it.

All that shiny gold plus 3 different patterns and what’s with the panel at the front it looks like a weightlifter’s belt with a bow on it.

Hideous! And someone needs to tell her she’s too old for hair that long.

P Diddy seems to have borrowed an old smoking jacket from some twenties drama or is it just a tux he stole from from a 70’s third rate Vegas lounge act?

Either way it’s truly hideous and should be burned immediately, in fact it looks like just a whiff of a cigarette and the whole thing would melt like cheap polyester.

Cameron Diaz, no wonder Justin dumped you, for a start that dark hair is just so un-flattering and harsh and what the hell is that flouncy fluffy bit of ruffled tat you are wearing.

She might just have got away with it if she was a foot taller and ten years younger….well maybe.

Sienna Miller actually wore quite a nice Alexander McQueen dress but for some reason she wore her hair like across between Tina Turner and Heidi giving her the look of a demented milk maid! Sienna needs to learn you need to do a spot of grooming if you ever want designers to lend you a dress again!

Well they were a bit parse this year but nice to see there’s always a few Frock horrors at every award show.

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Rank & Bile At The Movies - Notes On A Scandal Starring Judi Dench & Cate Blanchett

2007-01-16T14:51:00.000-08:00

Last night Lulu and I went to see the new Cate Blanchett and Judi Dench movie Notes On A Scandal. What a great film and so good to see Dame Judi out of that “Lavender Girls” “Mrs Henderson” Dotty old lady rut she’s been stuck in for ages. This time Judi gets to play bad, in fact psycho lesbian from hell bad! And she’s great!

Cate Blanchett, not normally one of my favourite actresses, turns in a brilliantly underplayed and restrained performance and even that old ham Bill Nighy for once plays someone other than himself.

Judi’s usual fans however may find her portrayal of her a hard bitten, psychotic, spinster, school teacher a little hard to stomach but I loved it. Highly recommended this film goes on general release February 2^nd Go see it!

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You Were Never Fuglier - Angelina Jolie

2007-01-14T02:42:00.000-08:00

I never thought I’d be posting Angelina Jolie in one of my You Were Never Fuglier Posts! The woman is flawless and has quite possibly the most beautiful face in the world but it seems even Angelina is not completely perfect.

Whilst she may have the face of a goddess it appears she has the arms of an eighty yr old woman and the hands to match!

Eww those are some seriously ugly veins on her arms and it looks like she has a nasty case of that Hollywood affliction, “zombie hands”. Well at least it gives hope to the rest of us mere mortals that she isn’t completely flawless!

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Jake Gyllenhaal Is A Dream Girl!

2007-01-14T02:38:00.000-08:00

Jake Gyllenhaal proved he’s not just a pretty face, with his appearance on Saturday Night Live, he has a sense of humour too. Not only that, the boy can sing as well, as he demonstrated in a sequin dress and wig as he belted out a pretty damn good rendition of “And I am telling you I'm not going” from Dreamgirls!

Watch Jake in full Diva mode and while you’re at it check out those biceps! Who’d have thought it? He actually looks mighty good in that dress!

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What A Dame - Shirley Bassey Celebrates 70 With A New Single

2007-01-14T02:33:00.000-08:00

There’s just no stopping Dame Shirley Bassey. Here recent version of Pink’s “Get this party started” fronted the Christmas M&S ad and now, The Tigress from Tiger Bay is celebrating her 70^th birthday with the release of a new single “The Living Tree”. She’s back! And her voice has lost none of its power.

Check out the single including the great “shaken and not stirred” and “Bimbo Jones” remixes at Shirley’s website www.dameshirleybassey.com and hear the original version at Shirley’s Myspace page

Happy Birthday Shirley Bassey The Queen of all Diva’s!

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Lindsay Lohan Is Photo-Shopped To Death

2007-01-14T02:26:00.000-08:00

Good grief now I’m all for a bit of airbrushing here and there, hell! I’ve even taken the Photoshop blur tool to a few of my own pics in the past but there is a limit. Lindsay Lohan appears as the new face of Miu Miu and what on earth were they thinking? I really don’t see the point in making a “celebrity” the face of your ad campaign if you are going to airbrush the out of all recognition!

There’s no way I would have guessed it was Ho Han from this shot, especially when you compare it with this candid shot form the Golden Globes last week, where Lindsay, looked like her partying, operation and decimated liver are well and truly catching up with her!

Jeez! Is there any of the original photo left in that ad!

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Kylie's Showgirl Homecoming Concert

2007-01-13T14:37:00.001-08:00

For those of you who didn't get the chance to see Kylie's fabulous Showgirl Homecoming Shows don't forget to tune into channel four tonight at 10.10pm to see the diminutive icon's fabulous comeback concert. Recorded in front of a capacity crowd in Australia this really was a homecoming for Australia's own showgirl and superstar.
With all new choreography and stunninning costumes the show is absolutely spectacular. The Queen of Pop is back and better than ever. Welcome back Kylie!

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Some Of What I'm Reading This Month

2007-01-13T05:31:00.000-08:00

Watching the English
By Kate Fox
This (very) non academic anthropological study of The English probably seemed like a clever and amusing idea when it was first imagined and it’s true, there is the germ of a good book in there, unfortunately Kate Fox didn’t manage to get it onto the paper successfully. Though the beginning is mildly amusing, the whole thing just becomes a somewhat tedious and repetitive collection of clichés with a tone that you might use with a slightly retarded child. If you want to read a truly amusing study of English people and their behaviour go elsewhere, people from Jeremy Paxman and Jeremy Clarkson and Godfrey Smith have tackled the topic with far more wit and aplomb.

Not recommended unless you are stuck for a present for someone like a senile American Aunt.

My Lucky Star
By Joe Keenan
Philip Claire and Gilbert ride again in Joe Keenan’s third novel for anyone who has read his first two “putting on the Ritz” and “Blue Heaven” the style remains the same with a farce like plot told with panache and a glut of witty one liners. This time our hapless heroes are embroiled in the world of Hollywood where the usual hilarity ensues.
For those of you yet to tackle Joe’s books I strongly recommend them for light humorous entertainment they are sublime, just don’t expect Dostoyevsky! The quality of the humour is hardly surprising for a writer who used to work on the television series Frasier.

Highly recommended for a light and fun read.

Red Carpets and Other Banana Skins
By Rupert Everet
You get the impression the Rupert got bored of writing his book half way through in the same way I got bored reading it half way through! It starts well as study of a young actor to break into “the Biz” but then becomes muddled and disjointed with a huge amount of jumping around. There are some fascinating vignettes but like his acting it’s patchy at best and whilst he holds forth ad nauseum on some topics others are skimmed over to the point of neglect. Somewhere in there is a good book and with a little more time and a tougher editor one day it might emerge.

Fascinating in places but a disappointment overall.

All books available at Rank & Bile Monthly Picks US Edition & UK Edition

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