rant et rave

achtung baby!

noreply@blogger.com (neil, the ranter) — Fri, 08 Jul 2011 19:32:00 +0000

greetings from berlin!

yes, ich bin ein berliner (sic). what a crazy month july 2011 has been. i knew this was coming - meaning that i had to move to berlin for an assignment that the monolith insisted i do. to be honest, i was ambivalent about it for a long time. initially, i said 'yes' as saying 'no' would have had... em... undesirable effects on my career. also, at the time, i was in the dante's seventh circle of hell - aka saudi arabia - so i would have agreed to go to bloody siberia if asked.

and then i had the wonderful red tape nightmare of a work visa application. just kidding - the visa agent did everything but the anxious wait was just horrible thanks to the wonderful south african police services - damn. anyways, eventually, the work visa was granted and i needed to get to berlin in basically a week.

which means, i had to pack up my entire life in one solitary week. crazy. but you know, i do have an amazing family. i am ashamed to admit that they did it all - moved me out of my loft and did all the other things for me - i barely lifted a finger. really, i should not be moaning - between my mommy and sister - they sorted it all. i know, i am very lucky :)

so, i make my travel plans and yesterday, after a 14 hour journey, i landed at berlin-tegel airport (a suprisingly... shitty airport which is being replaced in 2012). first impressions - berlin is hot. being the middle of summer and all... one thing you realise very quickly, is that berlin is ever changing. anyways, i get a cab (with no aircon and slimy cab driver) for the 10 minute drive to my hotel. check in and all... then i meet my relocation agent who will be doing my registration with the alien office here. and finally, i am out - exploring :)

strangely enough, my daddy (who is in the great beyond) would have been 60 years old on the day that i arrived in berlin (07 July). and it got me thinking - what would his take have been on all these things. so much happiness is happening in our family now and he is missing out on it - he would have loved it. he would have retired from a lifetime of hard work and him and my mommy could have enjoyed their retirement together - but the cycle of life and death is something that must be accepted and is beyond our comprehension. but i do feel for my mommy at times - after working hard for their kids (me, my sister and brother) they deserved some time to enjoy their famiy and each other. anyways, that's life and we must just go on.

the hotel is in a historic area called berlin-mitte. mitte is aptly named as it means 'middle' in german and is actually in the very centre of berlin. it is in the previous east berlin and contains all the highlights of checkpoint charlie, the brandenburg gate, the reichstag, etc. it's the glamorous heart of berlin - a heady cocktail where culture meets urban edginess.

and as you would have it - just around the corner (quite literally), is wittenbergplatz - a lovely shopping district. and is this town geared to shopping - amazing. the crown of wittenbergplatz is undoubtedly kadewe - the second largest department store in europe (an abbreviation of kaufhaus des westens) - situated in a beautiful art deco building. now for all you capetonians of a certain age - picture garlicks on steroids. 7 floors of retail heaven - and as luck would have it - most of it at 50% off - i came at exactly the right time. major sales everywhere - and you know, i love a good sale :)

the price of clothes in south africa is a scam (ok, it does have to be transported half way across the world but still...). labels that cost a fortune in cape town is really inexpensive here. a diesel or g star jeans costs the same as a levi jeans. go figure... food is cheap. although i will say again, as far as quality goes - you don't realise how good you have it in south africa. i'm just saying. have discovered, the germans love pork and they adore bread. aaaak - no carbs for me please. although i found this neat little place that sells organic currywurst (yes, i said currywurst) for the princely sum of €2.50 - what a delight!

so today i found a wonderful apartment in berlin-mitte. a mere 10 minute u-bahn (underground train) journey to potsdamerplatz and then literally a 1 minute walk to the office. so now i just need to sort out the lease next week and i can move in the week after next. i will be forced to - the monolith only allows you 11 days in a hotel when on international assignment. cold as only the monolith can be. after that, if you haven't sourced an apartment, you're on the street, buddy. don't i work for a fucking peach of an employer :

ja, a weekend of work faces moi - but i am not complaining. the sceptre of the monolith is ever-present- just a reality for me. although, i do crave being busy and have no complaints on that score of late. i start work at the client on monday - eeeeek! ag, it will be fine. confident of it.

i wanted to explore some of the varied and... interesting nightlife that berlin has to offer but i have many months to enjoy that ;) and i need to find a personal trainer pronto - gotta get my bod back in shape. although on the plus side, i am nearing my goal weight! a mere 9 kg to go. it makes me so happy as it has been a long journey for neil. from being the size of a small house to my current size - and it's true - nothing tastes as good as being thin.

at my fattest, i was 165kg and wore a size 52 pants (gulp). i ate constantly. now i am 94 kg which means i have lost a grand total of 71kg. i am a size 33 now :) i hope to get to a size 30 and then i'll be happy. you know, i would love to say that i am a size zero. haha. i know someone who was a size zero as she constantly reminds all of us :)

anyways, i am resolved to blog more often so you'll be seeing lots more stories and experiences from me. have a brillant weekend ;)

finish&klaar

noreply@blogger.com (neil, the ranter) — Thu, 02 Jun 2011 12:47:00 +0000

…and let me be telling you – what a time I have had. Very few ups, lots of downs but as they say – what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. If that were true, I should be Superman by now – combined with Hulk and Wolverine to boot.

My misadventure started a couple of months ago when I was approached by the monolith to go to Saudi Arabia for a 6 week assignment. Two 3 week rotations, to be exact. Why, you may ask? Well, it was due to a series of unbelievably bad business decisions, etc – anyhoo – it meant that I needed to be on a jetplane.

So, after a myriad of issues and admin difficulties, I was finally on my way. I hope you are catching the trend – fuckups seem to be the order of the day in this hole of an organization. Can you tell I don’t really like my job/organization/management? Just in case you are not aware – I bloody hate it all! I can hear some of you muttering: ‘so just leave, quit!’. If only it were that simple – well, it never is.

I arrive in Dubai and transfer to my Jeddah flight – no problems. Very efficient and all – top tip: Emirates – great airline. Next stop – the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia and it is here that all goes kind of pear shaped.

The plane is filled with an assortment of people going to Jeddah (…obviously) – most of them for religious pilgrimage. All dressed in white – and me. We land and immediately, all the efficiency of Dubai is replaced with utter confusion. People jostling, pushing, shoving to get off the plane.

And all of this in 38°C heat. We get onto the bus and make it to the airport terminal, in the process, almost being run off the tarmac by a Mercedes Benz Maybach racing across a runway – yes, the effing runway - carrying, as I would later find out, a member of the Saudi Royal Family. As it quickly becomes apparent, they are not just the Royal Family. They actually OWN the entire country – absolute monarchy. Hello, 7^th century!

Into the terminal building – everyone racing about – no one really sure where to go. I follow some western-looking folks and land up in a queue for passport control. And it takes FOREVER! An hour later, I arrive at the counter. The passport official looks me up and down, barks something in Arabic and I hand over my passport and visitor form. Interestingly, on the form it states: DEATH PENALTY FOR DRUGS. SEVERE PUNISHMENT FOR ALCOHOL. OK… I get the message! Next, he gets on the phone and chats to someone for about 5 minutes. Seems like a casual chat with a friend as there is a lot of giggling going on. He puts down the phone and barks something. I say – I DO NOT SPEAK ARABIC! WHAT (THE FUCK) DO YOU WANT? At which point he gestures to this fingerprint machine thing.

Message received and do as ordered. Already, my heart is sinking. I realize that I may be in for a bumpy ride. For someone like me – over sensitive – this is not the place to be.

Eventually, he stamps my passport and I’m officially in Jeddah. It is now 90 minutes since we landed. I get to the baggage carousel and there is nothing. All the other people from the flights are also standing around. I ask someone from the airline what is happening. The bags should have been here already! He just gives me a blank stare.

Then the carousel starts. One bag comes out. 10 minutes later another bag comes out. A full two hours later, I am the only person left waiting. Nothing. Nada. Fokkol. I ask what is happening. Blank stares. I go to the policeman standing to one side and explain. He smiles and tells me that he will have a look. An hour later, my bag is located. That makes it 5 fucking hours since I landed. I get out and wow – my hotel cab is still waiting for me. Apparently, this happens all the time. Welcome to Saudi Arabia!

I get my first real sight of Jeddah and… well, it looks… bad. Ok, it is a desert after all. WTF did I expect? Verdant fields? As we enter the city, I notice that it is chaos galore. The traffic situation – I thought Angola was bad. No rules. No one indicates, checks blind spots or anything like that. Utter madness. I feel like anyone could crash into us at any time. Seriously, feared for my life.

Get to the hotel and it looks like a bad neighborhood. I was soon to find out that the entire city is a bad neighborhood. The place… is filthy. OK, that was incredibly ‘ignorant’ of me. I just had to say it. I guess Europeans visiting Cape Town, on the drive from the airport are horrified – it’s just a change in perspective I suppose. But Saudi Arabia is different.

The entire country is geared to one thing, really. Islam. An ultra-conservative version of Sunni Islam, called Wahhabism (google it), to be exact. On that note, being in the Middle East for an extended period of time, reading Arab news, watching Arab TV channels, one realizes that there are many different ‘versions’ of Islam. Sunni’s, Shi’a’s, Ahmadiyya’s, Sufi’s, etc and all of these containing many sects with different traditions and belief systems. It blew my mind a bit. Living in South Africa, where the Muslim population is almost exclusively Sunni, you are aware of differences between Indian and Malay Muslims but they mostly ascribe to the Sunni school of thought. Indeed, a very interesting thing I never knew existed! You live, you learn.

Now, please don’t get me wrong. I have absolutely nothing against anyone (besides ax-murderers, paedophiles and Nazi’s… and maybe… no, nevermind). Many of my best friends are Muslim. It’s just that I am not. I am a Christian. I am ‘a’ gay. I am not an Arab. In our inimitable ex-SAPS Commissioner and ex-Head of Interpol (cringe) words, I don’t belong here, finish and klaar.

And before I get any hateful comments or some crazy trying to blow me up - I love and cherish religious freedom and accept all for who they are – I would just like the same courtesy extended to me, I’m just saying…

Imagine an ultra-orthodox Christian (or Jewish – except for Israel, ofcourse, ok scrap Jewish… or Buddhist or Bahi’a or Atheist) country where you could only practice the one legal religion (other religions would be banned) and you were made subject to laws straight from antiquity. Oddly enough, that was OBL’s aim – setting up an Islamic caliphate – which basically means, expanding Saudi Arabian ideals and rule all over the Middle East – scary thought.

Even more interesting was the Arab perspective on OBL's demise. The (Muslim) Arab world absolutely IDOLISES this monster. Diplomatically, they despise him and all he stood for but many ordinary Arabs see him as a heroic martyr. Perspective - it's a mind-fuck.

It is a step too far. Culturally. Not religiously, though – most of us believe in essentially the same thing, for Pete’s sake. As I told the Moor (and the others assembled at a recently held soiree) when he asked me about my foray into the Middle East: “xxxx, if you aren’t an Arab or Muslim, you don’t belong in Saudi Arabia”. I respect the culture – it just ‘aint for moi. There, I said it.

But, I digress…

So, we arrive at the hotel – not bad actually. The Marriott, Jeddah. It reminded me of the Cape Sun and the Sandton Sun. Faded glory. But beautiful – all marble and crystal chandeliers. Check in proceeded without incident. Room is nice (almost exactly like the room I usually get at the Sandton Sun when I go to JHB), if overly large – wasted space irritates me. I’m just saying.

So, almost 6 hours after landing, I get to my room and like a good little monolith-consultant, I switch on my laptop and check my email. Perhaps, I think, it’s a good idea to call my project contact and tell him that I arrived. So, it is about 3pm at this point on a Wednesday (which is a Friday in Saudi – as weekends here are Thursdays and Fridays). I call this fool and he says – get to the office immediately! Get a cab and get here immediately. No Shit! Those were his exact words. Never mind I had no fucking idea where the fucking office was.

Ok, Neil – be calm. Grab a quick shower and get to the office. So, I do this. My second time in a Saudi taxi. Horror Of Horrors. Almost no one speaks English – duh! I try to explain for 5 minutes to the Pakistani taxi driver where the fuck I need to be. It is 38°C outside. Am already wet through with sweat – fuck, I just showered! And you have to barter with these fuckers. Another top tip: if you don’t want to be hassled by talk of cricket, do not mention to any Indian or Pakistani that you are South African. Almost immediately, they will launch into a major technical conversation about cricket.

I almost didn’t have the heart to say – um… I don’t do/watch/play/discuss/dream about cricket. Sorry. Feel like talking about Tom Ford’s latest range of eyewear? I thought not.

URGH – 3 things I hate most. Not being understood (and not understanding WTF someone is saying – if I ever go deaf, I’ll shoot myself, I’m just saying), bartering and being stuck in some inane sports conversation. No man. Nightmare situation. Just give me a bloody price and I’ll pay it. I have zero time to barter with someone. Boring. Petty. Greedy

Al-Kandara is my destination. Another shit-hole. I get where I must be and everyone I need to see is in this meeting. I can see it all unfold. I am sitting in this glass command centre, looking down on the people in the meeting and there is a major fight going on – in Arabic. This goes on for about 90 minutes and the Saudi’s (who all wear long white robes, quite fetching, really) storm out.

Then this guy (my contact) comes into the command centre and says: “You! Come here! You are late!” Now, you can well imagine, I am at the end of my fucking tether. I tell him: “YOU – who the fuck are you?” He stops, surprised. And then introduces himself like a decent bloody human being.

Now, let me put some of this into context. The monolith, like other major corporates, uses off-shore capability extensively. Most of our consultants come from massive global delivery sites in India and Pakistan. Now, these Indian and Pakistani consultants (bless them!) are another breed. Hardworking, humble, very talented and they ask no questions. Often they have 2 or more degrees + a MBA. And they are sooooo cheap. An India-Pakistan (or shall it be Pakistan-India? Just trying to be fair) consultant charge out rate is roughly 40% of a South African consultant of similar skill. Not even to mention a European consultant!

I mean, you could ask an Indian or Pakistani consultant to write some code, while standing in his head, spinning two saucers on his toes and make you a cup of coffee. And he will do it. I say 'he' as all of us are ‘he’ here. Women are not allowed in the workplace – severely frowned upon, apparently. But, I am not Indian nor Pakistani (another group of people that, quite frankly, hates one another). Nelson Mandela spent 27 years in prison so that I could have basic human rights – and NO ONE is taking that away from me – NO ONE. So, no – I am not about to let myself be abused.

I need some decency and respect. Else, I turn into a bloody monster. Truly.

After the customary introductions, I realize that I need the loo. I am shown where it is and at the door, I gag and leave immediately. Will not give you the pleasure of the ins and outs of Saudi’s ‘fine’ facilities – just know, it aint that fine.

And this sadly was how it was to be for the next 3 weeks – sheer and utter hell. No respite. And the more I fought it, the more senseless it all became.

FFWD 2 weeks and I get the flu. No – I am infected with the flu. One day at breakfast, a noisy group of Chinese businessmen sits at the table next to me. They proceed with doing things… well, the Chinese way. Slurping, coughing, burping, talking loudly, smoking, etc. [Oh yes – everyone in the Middle East smokes – everywhere. In lifts, at the breakfast table, fucking everywhere - gross]. They are the new ‘Ugly American’ traveler. Urgh, this bloody spell-checker keeps on reverting to English US no matter how many times I change it!

Yes, so the slurpers are having the time of their fucking lives. Coughing all over me – hello, have you never heard of droplet infection! And as you have it, by that evening, I was sick as a dog. I’m just saying.

I think – don’t worry – it will go away in a few days. No, it doesn’t. Eventually, I need medical assistance. The monolith does, to its credit, give good medical support to international assignees. So, I call them and they arrange a doctor’s appointment across town. I get a cab (by now I am like a local – bartering, speaking quasi-Arabic like nobody’s business) and I get there. To their credit, a great medical facility – think… MediClinic Constantiaberg – an oasis, really. I love anything medical – should’ve been a doctor – naa, can’t do numbers. A male nurse maybe – hahaha – can anyone say stereotypical!

The place is filled with friendly Filipino nurses who proceed to take my blood pressure and weigh me, etc. Then I see the doctor and here, it all goes pear-shaped. It’s an Arabic doctor. Who seems oddly pissed off that he needs to speak English to an imperial ass like me. The examination is carried out very brusquely. I suppose it is just the Arab way. No one says please or thank you. No manners. No respect. Everyone just barks orders. It’s a fucked up society. Sorry to say, but it is.

Examination over, get my meds – I tell him his fortune as I leave. He is shocked. No one here speaks up against Saudi males. But screw that and screw him. At this point, I have no fear left. He just gives me a smirk and I gooi ‘n lange. Get my cab and back to the hotel.

You know, everyone has a breaking point. And I had reached mine. I had just had it with being pushed and shoved around. So what! I am not Muslim. I am not an Arab. But, I am still a person – with rights – no matter where I am.

Funnily, as soon as you start pushing back, they retreat. It’s a classic bully situation. The men there are bullies. Used to bullying their wives and bullying their kids. Used to getting it ALL their way. It’s a 7^th century society – like I said, fucked up. I get the distinct impression that, in Saudi Arabia, men are shit scared of women. Actually. The power of women. So sad, really.

My hotel room overlooks the pool, which I also used quite regularly. Often, you would see a typical family – dad and kids in the pool having the time of their lives – laughing and other horse-play. And then – off to one side, almost hidden, the mother would be sitting. All in black. Covered from head to toe. Just sitting there. Just good enough to bring towels when shouted over to do so.

Now, I know this is an over-simplification. But it is what I experienced. Her attire may well be her choice but… I don’t know. To western eyes – it just seems so cruel and unfair. Like I said, if you are not Muslim or Arab – you do not belong in Saudi Arabia. Finish and klaar.

And then my 3 weeks were up. There I was, counting the hours, waiting for my cab to take me to the airport. And another thing – for such a wealthy country, you would imagine they would be sorted. I always imagined Saudi Arabia to be like a massive Dubai – how wrong I was. People here are poor. Average Saudi’s are poor. The Al Sauds (the royal family) basically own everything. They literally OWN the entire country. It is theirs. To do with whatever they like. They are all-powerful.

There is even a religious police. The Society for the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice – I kid you not. It’s a voluntary organization with no shortage of eager, over-zealous enforcers. They are the ones that will harass a woman for not having every inch of her body covered (no ankles, no hair (even a single strand), no hands – basically cover your entire body is covered by a black, shapeless sack), if they see anyone not abiding by Sharia – you are in deep kak. If a single hair is out of your doek, beware. They can arrest and detain you and beat you up if they feel like it. The stories published about their abuses are scary. Crazy. AND, they are undercover, plain-clothes – either women or men.

It cultivates a feeling of mass oppression and fear – quite unbelievable, actually.

Back to my story, so… ja – am heading to the airport. Compared to Dubai (whose airport is a fucking dream!), this is like being at East London airport – no, that’s too good. Kimberly airport – ja, like that.

Chaos! Pilgrims everywhere. Confused pilgrims – and the Saudi authorities really treat Indians, Pakistanis, Indonesians, Filipino’s – basically everyone (except Arabs) like shit. It makes one so angry! So powerless…

Anyway, I am on the plane and outta there. 10 wonderful days in Cape Town and then back to the desert for the last 3 week rotation. And you know, it was three weeks of the same. Dreary, unhappy, sad. What a terrible situation.

The more I travel, the more I realize that I come from a beautiful, peaceful, respectful place. Ok, South Africa, the land of my birth, has a myriad of problems. Crime. Corruption. Xenophobia. Racism (still!). But there is a special quality here – a society striving to make something better. To be happier. To be freer. To be friendlier. AND protected by the most liberal Constitution on earth, the Bill of Rights and the Freedom Charter.

I guess I am just a wuss. But nothing, NOTHING compares to my dear old Cape Town. Just ask TripAdvisor. I mean, it’s official and all. The realization has struck me that I am a rather provincial soul. I must really stop starting sentences with ‘I’. So amateur. So self-absorbed. So ‘I’!

Next, the monolith is dispatching me to Berlin. No, not Berlin, Vermont. Berlin as in: hardcore Deutschland, Berlin. Checkpoint Charlie, the Berlin Wall - you feel me? Who knows, I may just fall in love with Berlin? I don’t really go along with ‘ze German vay’ - it stands for everything I am diametrically opposed to. Bluntness. Forcefulness. Absolute Correctness. Absolute Discipline. Absolute Order. Zero nuance. But, we’ll see… I have to start learning some basic German. Ich werde nach Berlin!

Hell, the language freaks me out. You know how it is – the subtleties of a language. Often, I hear foreigners in Cape Town say something that is directly translated (like my pathetic attempt above) and you think – damn, so much is lost in translation. If I am going to speak German, I am going to speak it like a native.

But, look I am not going to be the next Goethe or anything. Just want to know enough to order a Jameson in a bar, really. That’s all… Maybe I can ditch the monolith and teach English there. Sounds like a plan… FAMO! can come out and join me. I’ll be Claus and she can be Heidi. I’ll teach English and FAMO! can teach drama – you know, things we are good at. Hahahahaha!

I just hope it will be ok. As Angela Merkel said, multiculturism in Germany has ‘utterly failed’ - oops. Neil has zero tolerance for racism or any shit like that. None. So, I could just be fighting it out there as well. But, ve’ll see…

Now, I have to get rid of my much-loved apartment (very sad about this) and much loved Mini. Hey, nothing lasts forever, as they say.

i'm trying, really...

noreply@blogger.com (neil, the ranter) — Mon, 07 Mar 2011 08:43:00 +0000

so here we are. the month of march has arrived and we are staring the closure of the Q1 squarely in the face. it would seem that time flies whether you're having fun OR not. i have been having quite a time of 2011 so far. and that is putting it lightly... very lightly.

thrills and spills - an apt term for describing my professional state at present. things are rotten in the state of 'monolith' - i'm just saying. the best way to describe my situation is to picture me as a plane that just wants to land. an incredibly cute plane with a beard. in a holding pattern. can't land. flying aimlessly. no direction. what a fucked up metaphor - but hey... it's me. having being benched for the last six months (i.e. me sitting on my ass at home, checking the odd email - sounds befok but is really very, very, very redundant).

well, as of last week, i was supposed to 'land' in oman... errr, the country, that is, for a project. that was cancelled as the middle east is kind of exploding. then it was dubai. now it is saudi arabia with a possibility of egypt in august. R.O.R.

i find myself fighting and having issues with people i never have issues with - or rather i avoid having issues with. third party issues. it's just the inevitability of it all, i suppose. unavoidable. am just feeling so very out-of-sorts. crazy.

but it's not all doom&gloom, you know. famo and i have been road-tripping the peninsular, chilling on the beach, drinking way too much. she is a very, very, very bad influence on me, to be sure. very naughty. we had a booze-drenched saturday. started with me, famo and jameson for pre-breakfast drinks at my loft. then to the actual breakfast - which kind of descended to a brunch/lunch affaire.

but was quite fun. between a drunken famo, me trying to keep it together, the moor taking it all in. shame, our poor waiter... well, serves him right for having such a hairstyle! well, we were at vanilla in cape quarter on pride saturday - so what i was expecting, i don't know. many cosmo's, mojito's, champers later, we got our actual food.

and then of course, famo promptly chokes on an oyster. it was like i was in the matrix. all was slow-mo. i turned and glanced at her. terror in her eyes. moor looking confused. all i could think was - oh fuck, i don't know the heimlich manoeuvre! my bff is gonna choke to death!! OMFG!! but a quick cough and a slug of brut seemed to clear it all up. hells bells - no more drama, please.

moor, ever the sports fan, had to go ride his bicycle in record temperatures! crazy. so famo and i continued the jol at my place. all i can say (with a very guilty face) that it included zinger wings AND hot wings. my poor waistline. shame.

had a lovely lunch with the family after church on sunday. lovely ending. and now it is monday :|

procrastination nation

noreply@blogger.com (neil, the ranter) — Mon, 24 Jan 2011 09:01:00 +0000

...and monday swings around again. what is it about this particular day that drives all and sundry insane? it's just a day. 24 hours. but the context of a monday always freaks one out. i would imagine that it signals the end of the weekend and the time for us all to get back to... work. it starts to niggle with that sunday evening anxiety. saw something on facebook - when you hear the carte blanche theme tune - it's over, your weekend is OVER! now, do not even get me started on tuesdays - urgh!

it is particularly blue for me as i am feeling soooooooooo exhausted today. had a great weekend - a bit too nice, i think. lots of relaxing, some nice distractions and my birthday braai yesterday. my mother insisted on me having another function (ok, i have a rubber arm) for my birthday with my famille. a braai. now, i am not exactly the braaing type. i love eating the result but actually braaing - too much effort - as my family does wood braais. no charcoal shortcuts here... although i do admit, meat cooked over a piece of wood just tastes scrumptious - no pun intended. seriously.

so my brother usually does the honours but he was at the birthday party of miss40 the previous evening and was still partying at 06:00 that morning. can you picture me chopping wood? yikes! but i did. i chopped wood (albeit with the help of my new bro-in-law). we got an average fire going but then the serious braai aficionado arrived in the person of ossie (my cousin-in-law). he promptly took charge and produced a wonderful result. wow. vreeted so much yesterday - maybe that's why i feel so... kak today.

a great day, tanning (which also exhausts one + i am liable to look like an old bag of leather by the age of 40), swimming, offering assistance with the braai (which was thankfully ignored), boozing, lamming with friends (sporty and famo were in attendance as well). so that makes 4 birthday parties. what a blast :)

had such a gym session this morning. cardio. on my ace. i felt soooooooooo moeg. but i made it (barely). tomorrow i am seeing my trainer so better get my act together, pronto. no time for messing about when he is... about.

work... let's not even go there. all i can say is thanks heavens for the 5 minutes procrastination that writing this blog has afforded. some escape. some peace. now, to wait to go home.

...on turning 34.

noreply@blogger.com (neil, the ranter) — Thu, 20 Jan 2011 12:24:00 +0000

i always said, in response to people saying: 'just wait until you're in your 30's...' - that's many years away. but now, i am well and truly ensconced in my mid-thirties. fuuuuuuuuuuuuck! on the 11th day of january this year of 2011, i turned the ripe age of thirty-four. i could have a guest-starring role in 'thirtysomething' for heavens sake. in any case, what is the use of stressing about getting older. it is inevitable and unstoppable. worry over. mid-thirties, as a concept has been embraced. over it.

...and the great thing of your 30's is that you grasp and understand so much more that you did earlier on in your life. i like saying that your 30's is when you pay off all your debt you made in your 20's - haha. now, i must admit - i feel more sorted and together than ever before in my silly little life. God has been very good to me and i feel blessed and very thankful. truly.

but the journey continues. more and more, as time flows by, i am learning to enjoy the journey and not stress to much about the destination. admittedly, i have missed alot being stressed and anxious about dumb things. this last 3 years have been a massive learning-feast for me. not all easy lessons, but all valuable ones.

youth is truly wasted on the young. i'm just saying. so in any case - this past week birthed my birthday celebrations. i had 3 parties (with another one happening this sunday). yes, 4 separate parties for someone who is not really even into birthdays. hell, i am truly a gay - 4 parties! and all this while being on the very last few $$ in my meagre bank account

party#1 - 11/01. 20:00. the grand beach club. sporty, moor, famo and myself. this is my core guestlist :) old friends. people who are sort of constant friends, no matter what. you know you get transient friends. here today, gone tomorrow. i've known these 3 for too many years - far too many to admit to. service 6/10. company 10/10. food 8/10. booze 10/10. ok, it was gatecrashed (very pleasantly so) by 2 of moor's cohorts (a brother, z1 and a cousin z2). i've known z1 for ages but met z2 at moor's annual bascule birthday bonanza (for the guests - hehe). but they were a very welcome addition to our festivities. great night.

party#2 - private.

party#3 - 15/01. 19:00. mutual heights. had a bit of a huisjol (house party). i cooked. i cleaned. i entertained. effing multi-talented. ja, so i had a bunch of friends (some old - as in late 30's... no just kidding #slap on the wrists for me). but, some old friends, some less-old friends and a brand new one. ja, so the guestlist (just 'cos i know y'all are dying to know): everyone that was at party#1 + the lovely and always charming cilliers sisters and their lovely friend, the very chic frenchie (doing a command performance as the resident paparazzi - merci, mon ami) and her beau love, an englishman and a german. quite a combo - a little homage to the global village, i suppose. all this with a cameo appearance from my neighbour that all the girls aflutter. everything else was a bit of a blur, especially after downing copious amounts of champagne. top tip: graham beck rose - a beautiful drink. just beautiful.

party#3 - cont... (don't you just hate people that don't use paragraphs!) ja, so famo decided months ago that she would be sleeping at my place so she could get well and truly sloshed. and that she (and i) did. she has been bit by the dancing bug of late - but, she can dance. singing she can't do. but dancing - famo must be given her props. i'm just saying. ja, so we danced, sang, ate, drank and was generally quite merry. great night.

party#4 - this will be a braai and pool party at my mother's place for my family and is combined with my sister's wedding album display. so - looking forward to that!

i am now nearing the end of my first week back at the monolith. not too bad. but tomorrow, things get busy - so... watch this space for all my moans and groans (and you know i can moan and groan).

adventures in gay dating and other things...

noreply@blogger.com (neil, the ranter) — Thu, 13 Jan 2011 08:57:00 +0000

hehe, i knew that such a blog title would get your attention :) hi everyone and here's to hoping that you've had a fantastic festive season and enjoying 2011. mine was quite nice, thank you very much. chilled christmas braai with my family. new years eve with sporty. major event - my sister's wedding! aah, it was a stunner. stunner. stunner. perfect day, perfect weather, perfect and utterly professional service at the mount nelson - perfect. so glad my sister is settled and sorted. very gratifying.

so... otherwise it is ok. celebrated my birthday a few days ago with a selected few - yes, now i am 34 years old - it just makes me want to ball my ogies out! moor, famo, sporty and i descended on the grand at granger bay for a dinner. service (pre-seating) was appalling. seriously. crap. so, after a bit of indignation, we were seated. i must say, we had a good waiter. slow bar service. oi. it just may be the last time they see me.

later we were joined by moor's brother and cousin - the two zz's for some more laughs. hehe. obviously, i had way too much champagne, cosmo's and jager-bombs, but i digress - i had a great time, in any case :)

now, back to the title. i do hope y'all know that i am a gay male, 34 years old and living in cape town - just saying... ok, now that that's out of the way... so i have been dating for a while now and... you know - what a mission! i am one of those 'destination' people - don't care much for the journey so you can imagine.

a while back, i created an online dating profile on a well know south african dating website. not sure why, but when people speak about online dating - it's all in hushed tones - like it's something to be embarrassed about. after coming out - there is little that embarrasses me anymore - spent toooo many years being embarrassed about who i am - no time for that these days. anyways, so i've been dating guys - deal with it :)

and having been on all these dates here are some experiences and observations:

get a picture of the person that wants to date you. please. do. this. an online profile can be all moonshine and roses and really, what else do you have to go on when formulating your opinion or view of this person. i mean, pitching up expecting to meet george clooney and having to sit through a whole date with gimli from lotr - not pleasant.
afrikaners (gays) only like whites. ok, admittedly, that is a major generalisation but it carries some merit. i have spoken to quite a few guys about this and it seems to be the case - well, we are in south africa afterall? had a few dates with, what seemed like a really nice person - let's call him 'danie'. all was going rather well. had lots in common. picture exchange. spoke on the phone. a few rather successful face-to-face dates, even been to his house a few times and then - in the course of conversation (we were speaking about where we grew up and i was chatting about growing up in mitchells plain), he found out that i wasn't a white afrikaner. LAUGH-OUT-FUCKING-LOUD!! hello, was he BLIND. - could he not see me? maybe the fact that i can speak afrikaans like an afrikaner, lulled him into a false perception. he almost choked on his bloody foie gras. shame. he couldn't fucking believe it. he called me the next day and (to his credit), he was upfront and said that his family and friends would never accept a non-white. shame.
gay men (except me) love dogs. genuine. you'll never know how many mindless 'dog' conversations i have had to sit through. even worse, someone that thinks it is ok to pitch to a date with their dog or worse - dogs. breeds, indoor/outdoor, walkies, pet food, doggy hotels, etc ad nauseum. hell, what's it with the fascination with dogs? maybe they are placeholders or substitutes for kids? you know, if you want kids, adopt. it is possible. unless you are afrikaner, that is - think about it. ok, ok - gonna lay off the afrikaners now - i have many wonderful afrikaner friends who ROCK!
everyone says they want a stable relationship but 99.9% just want sex. sorry for the bluntness, but that is the truth. men (gay, straight, trannies, in the closet, out of the closet, transgender) just love sex. nothing more needs to be said.
there are some crazies out there - beware. i have had the strangest requests. too risque to mention on this blog - even i am embarrassed ;) top tip: always have your own car / transport. very. important. let's just say, without going into much details, you DO NOT want to be in a car at 02:38 on a wednesday, hurtling down kloof nek with a crazy at the wheel. not advised. trust me.

ja, so i go back to the monolith on monday and is filling me with so much dread you can't even imagine. after a terrible 2010, on the professional front, i really hope and pray that 2011 will be a blissful one for me.

ciao!

so here we are...

noreply@blogger.com (neil, the ranter) — Tue, 21 Dec 2010 09:54:00 +0000

...at (almost) the end of 2010. and what an utterly eventful year this has turned out to be. oi! from coming out to all and sundry to an awesome world cup to unbelievably horrible working stress to me losing my mind, etc, ad nauseum. no one can be in any doubt regarding the rigours of this past year. goodbye 2010, you won't be missed.

we've been through an economic crisis and recession like the world has never seen. people are suffering. it is palpable. and sad. in our times of advanced everything, it is quite humbling to think that the rug can be pulled out from under you at. any. moment. time is fleeting. as tough as this past year was, it's gone by soooo quickly.

i heard something years and years and years ago when i was a kid. someone older (in their 40's - which seemed, at the time, to be more like 100) said that time speeds up as you get older. i can vouch for that. seriously. it just flies by... leaving so much good and bad in its wake. ok - enough on the philosophical front - for now...

since londres, i've been travelling almost non-stop. after getting back from zanzibar, i had to leave immediately for the home of the stiff upper lip. spent a week there. came back to cape town and immediately had to leave for jozi. i think i've only spent 2 weekends back in cape town since getting back from londres. horrid. horrid. horrid. and dealing with the constant fuck-ups at the monolith - you know, it constantly amazes and shocks me - the lack of professionalism and integrity, the higher up the chain you go. i soooo need a new job (said for the 100th time)!

am just tired and gatvol of dealing with minor office-politics. damn. if i must hear, even one more time, a moan or complaint about the coffee at the office or how small the kitchen is or the constant fucking inane conversation. jitte - how much can one person stand! you know, buy your own effing coffee for fuck's sake. and try doing your job for once before bloody complaining! and i don't CARE that you now have the latest game for your pathetic bloody playstation, or that it cost you sooo much or that you had to have it imported or how many bits are in a byte or how to quickly find my ip address or why virtualising a server is so 'cool'... oh fuck it. having me working in the it sector - major mismatch...

in any case - on to much more pleasant things. in 2 days' time i am going on leave for 25 (yes, twenty-five!!) glorious days. cannot. wait. obviously. no plans. no money (when i got my salary last week [yes, i am one of the proletariat mass], a disturbing though crossed my mind: the next payday is a whole fucking six weeks away. *gulp*). and in that time, i have christmas, all the other big days, new years eve, my sister's wedding and my birthday. how i am going to survive financially - who knows...

but i will. i'm a survivor! i plan to spend my days on the beach and my nights... well, my nights - that's an entirely different story [insert evil laugh here].

did mcqp last weekend. was ok. must admit that i was expecting a bit more. maybe it was the venue (cape town stadium). while the stadium is stunning, it didn't stun over the weekend. another mis-match. wrong venue! i always seem to forget that i don't really enjoy such large events. too many people. too many people looking for other people. lost people. urgh - that part was exceptionally irritating. the trick is to go in a group and just do your own thing. who cares who is where? but otherwise, it wasn't too bad. kinda. sort of. was actually looking forward to it but as usual, my expectations are so high that disappointment was inevitable.

just call me an eternal optimist. ok, should this be my last blog of 2010, let me take this opportunity to wish you ALL a wonderfully joyous festive season filled with fun and happiness. i'm just saying...

meeting on a bridge in londres

noreply@blogger.com (neil, the ranter) — Mon, 15 Nov 2010 08:18:00 +0000

a very good morning to all! it is monday morning. sun is shining and it looks like we are in for a scorcher of a summer in the glorious cape. well, it is morning as i am writing my irregular missive. but with the inaccurate RSS feed used by facebook, who knows when this will be posted. in any case...

so i jetted in from the spice islands on a few sundays ago. what i neglected to mention is that i need to hop on a plane and get to london the very next day! oi! my holiday reverie was very quickly dispatched when i entered my flat and it dawned in me that i needed to pack and prepare for my trip to londres. was. not. impressed.

and as i mentioned in my last post - my bag got totally fucked up on the trip back from zanzibar. i am one of those 'people' that believe in having good, respectable luggage. sue me... so my beautiful bag (that cost me an arm and a leg) was now no longer able to carry my wardrobe. i needed to buy a new case. fuckfuckfuckfuck. like i needed to spend more friggin' cash. in any case, i got one at frasers at the v&a. went bargain this time. got one on sale (old stock), black and unexciting. ka-ching... not in a good way.

i will spare you all the monumental obstacles and fuck-ups encountered. so sporty picks me up and we are off to the airport. departing at 20:30. had my bag cling-wrapped (still deciding on the merits of this) and get in line. managed to check in online and bagged the last aisle seat in cattle class. *phew*!

uneventful flight (except that we departed two hours late - classic british airways). seated in and amongst a french family with 4 very irritating, naggy, ill-behaved kids. yay - not. thankfully, i had my little sleeping pills with me and was out for the count within an hour.

FFWD - arrived at LHR. got off, got through customs, got my bag, got my heathrow express ticket and was on the train - all within 40 minutes. wow. LHR has got its shit sorted, i'm just saying.

got to paddington in 9 minutes. cab to my hotel and went out almost immediately to walk around and explore! weather was great (ok, great for london) all week. never even had to wear a jacket once. lucky for me, my hotel was located on the river - about 5 minutes walk from the london eye. and did i walk (psst - i secretly love walking). orientated myself as to the location of the monolith - just a further 10 minutes down the embankment at waterloo bridge.

so, i saw all the sights - westminster (abbey and houses of parliament), the palace, tate modern, all the squares (picadilly, leister, trafalgar, etc.), national portrait gallery, etc, ad nauseum. loved it. loved it. loved it. londres has this wonderfully gothic feel to it.

so i had planned to meet some old friends (d&m) of mine - first time i am hooking up with them in their hometown. d and i are in constant comms as i did not activate roaming and couldn't get a sim for my iphone. gotta love facebook.

being the ever romantic, i suggested we meet on westminster bridge, at big ben. and so it was... the start to our night of fun. oooooh, we did so much. i was plastered so my recollection is not all that... but we started with a drink on a riverboat on the thames. drinking ale (sorry, all you brits, but that was vile - and i am not a beer person in any case). walked up toward trafalgar square. ptmd made it's inevitable appearance (non too soon, i might add) - thanks, m!

so we did all these places, and ended up in soho. debauchery central. brilliant. went to a polysexual club playing 80's and 90's club hits. d seems to know all the holes in soho - 'nuff said :) freedom bar - man, it rocked! and so we ambled on. did some shisha at this lebanese place. we ate at a rib place. and before i knew it, londres was no more.

sad. was asked whether i would consider living there (and the monolith has offered me a job there in the past and again that week) and it flashed across my mind... briefly. but i am happy to be in cape town. i think the weather would let me down very quickly (even though that week the weather was good) - i need the sunlight.

also, london (as most places) is for the rich. if i was to live there, i would want to live in the centre of the london, zooting around in my mini, shopping up a storm., hahaha! and that is not the average middle class experience there. congestion tax alone would cripple me. i doubt i could swing a flat in the royal borough of kensington and chelsea or mayfair. i doubt i could be sipping earl grey with joan collins at the dorchester. no drinks at the ritz for me. so, i'll stay in sunny, gorgeous, affordable cape town, thanks :)

it really is a melting pot. poles and other assorted eastern europeans (hello human trafficking), austalians, saffa's (of course), poles, the ubiquitous and ever-present chinese (who have NO conception of personal space, jitte), even more poles and very little english... i'm just saying. where are all the english people?

tops:

you can't beat it for culture and a sense of history
beautiful architecture
amazing vibe and energy
very open-minded and liberated
it is a great walking city and i am a walking enthusiast :)
diverse population
very safe
transport is a doddle, really

bottoms:

very little english people around - and maybe that is a good thing (only met 1 in an entire week!). you know what they say about mad dogs and englishmen... to be honest, i could have been in belgrade or warsaw or mumbai. the overwhelming accent you hear is eastern european'ish and indian - i'm just saying.
terrible. food. quality. people, count yourselves as our food quality and diversity in south africa far outstrips the uk (ok, london specifically). the meat quality is awful. and it had me in a flat-spin of confusion. what happened to british beef and all those sheep on those verdant fields? it seems like if you need a moderately well presented meal, you need to go for a michelin star restaurant! ok, maybe i just ate at shitty places but no... they seemed to be all the rage. well, nando's it teaching them a lesson or two about good food.
the tube - no, wait. even though it stinks and feels like you're in the sixth circle of dante's inferno - it is quick, reliable, safe and that's ok by me :) i am an ex-metrorail customer afterall...

really hope i'll be going back soon. so now... on to BARCELONA!!!

the spice islands...

noreply@blogger.com (neil, the ranter) — Tue, 09 Nov 2010 10:22:00 +0000

hellooo everyone! seems an absolute age since i blogged, so here goes...

i have had the holiday of my friggin' life - just saying.... on the 22nd of rocktober, i and my dear friend (famo) jetted off into the sunset for the start of an epic holiday. zanzibar! it's always been my dream to have a tropical island holiday and now (well, then) it was becoming a reality!

spent one night at famo's place and left before the bloody chickens awoke on the next day. seamless transfer to the airport (except the 10 minutes wasted debating the parking space for her tt - but if you know famo - this is par for the course). we got luck with our seat allocation (has an empty seat between us) and so we started off with a good, stiff g&t. and before we knew it - we were there!!

now, brace yourselves. as we disembarked, we were hit by a wall of humidity. damn. but this was fully expected. but... the airport. OMFG. hectic. the arrivals basically comprises of 2 large rooms. not clean (i.e. filthy and stinky). anyway - so we paid for our visa, etc and proceeded to the next room. joined by a plane-load of holiday makers waiting for luggage. in an unconditioned room. 37 degrees celsius. for an hour. not. pleasant.

some time passes and a tractor appears with some bags chucked on it. top tip* - leave your louis vuitton and best samsonite at home. if you can, travel with a black bin bag. seriously. so bags are chucked unceremoniously in a heap at your feet and now you must battle with 100 other people to find your own. i got mine almost immediately. but... no bag for famo. oops - i could see a major problem arising. you see, famo and i are both nervous wrecks and anxiety traps. very close to a breakdown, 20 minutes later, famo's bags finally arrive. phew*

ok, on to the hotel transfer and things perked up immediately. we got into our air-conditioned mini bus and we were off. driving through a quaint sort of civilisation. people lamming and chilling through the day. lots of subsistence farmers. no obvious wealth in the locals. but lovely... stunning scenery. ancient baobabs, etc. after a while, we near the coast and before we knew it we were at the hotel.

stunning. exactly what the brochure promised. breath-taking.

the next days were a blur of:

sleeping late
strolling down for breakfast (strange eggs on the island, i'm just saying...)
doing a morning tan at the pool
swimming some laps (for me... famo can't swim)
lunch
a nap (for famo who is always tired, to be honest)
the beach and some socialising for me
some more swimming, tanning
4 o'clock drinks (well, drinks the whole day, actually. and i am not really a drinker, so i was pleasantly pissed out of my mind for most of the 8 days)
dinner and some cheesy resort 'show'
more booze, shisha
etc.

we met some really nice people - holiday acquaintances, you know. the resort guest population is made up of about 70% italians, 20% french and 10% south africans (the non english speaking variety - famo and i, and a few others made up the english-speaking contigent).

eish, my fellow countrymen: when you are not in south africa, please be cogniscent of that fact. you cannot call your bar-lady 'mama'. that is not acceptable - people have NAMES on those name-tag things - jitte! not in south africa, not anywhere - this isn't the 80's anymore! i was just passively listening to this couple bemoaning the lot of south africa and saying it was better in the old days - all in afrikaans, naturally. i put that bitch on her place very quickly - racist pig. stop embarrassing yourself and the rest of your country - move to orania and stay there, ok! just fuck off and leave other decent south africans alone - go to fucking australia where it is seemlingly ok to treat aboriginals like dirt - that should set your litte right-wing hearts aflutter! *cringe*

the food - i would give it a 3/5. not terrible or anything like that. with all the italians and french, the food had to be of a good standard. it's just that - to be perfectly honest - we have much better food quality standards in south africa - count yourselves lucky!

we went on some awesome excursions with the locals. spice plantation (great), stone town (not so great), safari blue (effing brilliant!), etc. for stone town, be prepared for some hardcore realities... like a goat being slaughtered and butchered on the pavement - right before your eyes. yes, like i said - hardcore. but we also were at freddy mercury's birthplace - quite nice.

it's mostly a honeymoon place - so lots of couples. spotted a cock-fest on our second last day. managed some fun at least :) famo had (as fully expected) trekked with a full 8 day wardrobe - looking stunning, i might add. i felt like i was with imelda marcos - never the same article of clothing was seen twice!

ok, there is almost too much to relate! but i must say - i had an AMAZING time!!! let me give you some tops and bottoms...

tops:

amazing scenery
stunning resort
it was exactly as described in the hotel literature
crystal clear warm ocean
perfect temperature rim-flow pool
friendly, professional service
chilled atmosphere
booze on tap
all those stylish italians ;)

bottoms:

airport
locals looking for tips or constantly trying to sell you something (on the main beach)
stone town

so all in all - a brilliant trip! next on the itinerary: another island holiday (definitely), barcelona, san francisco. now all i need is a sponsor...

...am i dead inside?

noreply@blogger.com (neil, the ranter) — Wed, 13 Oct 2010 08:57:00 +0000

correspondents, i have all of 8 days before i leave... on a jet plane... strangely, i am not terribly excited about it. ok, i am excited (in a rational sense) but i don't feel physically excited. i barely think of it, to be honest. dunno why - strange. sometimes i don't have feelings about certain stuff, well - most stuff actually. lately, for the last two months, it's like i am dead inside. lately, i am in this sea of ambivalence.

can one really be dead inside? oooh, i sound like a mental case, i know. maybe i am a mental case. HELP!! I AM DEAD INSIDE!!

AND... i need to go to the uk for work. urgh* london is not on my list of places to get excited about. well, i am dead inside, so... but here is the clincher: this morning, i completed my visa application. now, this takes between 4 and 6 days to complete. BUT, i need my passport back as i leave for friggin' zanzibar next friday!!! ok, that is more than 6 days away but it's just one more thing to keep me up at night. but i've said my prayers and now i am resolved to not think about it.

so, i am due to get back from zanzibar on 31/10 and the very next day i need to get on a plane to london :( seriously do not lis. as madonna says: 'this type of modern life, is it for me?'. aaah, madonna - the source of all wisdom. you know, i would be sooo happy to chuck it all and go live somewhere rustic. no worries. no mobile phone. no stress. i could milk cows and do other shit like that - actually, a friend of mine is doing that right now. left everything in cape town and is living in a farm in namibia - going back to nature.

sounds silly in this world of 2010 but i am a great believer in fate and pre-destination. yes, we do make and control our fate but i believe, that if i am destined to be there, i will be there. no choice, really. else it will be R12000 down-the-fucking drain. as there is no refunds for zanzibar. but like i said, it's not in my hands anymore. so i can do nothing to control it.

i need these little episodes in life, i suppose. being a control-freak of note - neil needs to learn to let go. seriously.

reconnected with an old high school pal on facebook this morning and it got me thinking back to my days at westridge high. in retrospect, what a happy, carefree time. no stress. no worries - the best time of my life, really. it even tops my time at university. well, one's experience at ol' westridge high was... relaxed, if i do say so myself.

lamming, getting to school late, bunking, smoking rothmans mild (haha) or anything you could get your hands on (and learning the very fine distinction between a skyf, a nippie and a lyntjie), skitting, talking shit to teachers... and learning of course :) ja, those were halcyon days...

**warning** i was doing some soul-searching last weekend at rocking the daisies (which absolutely rocked, i'm just saying). and so far, this year - 2010 - has been... an experience. soooo much has happened this year. it feels as if i have lived 5 years in the last one. it's true - as you get older - time goes on FFWD. before you know it, it's OVER. so life it to the full!

ROCKtober

noreply@blogger.com (neil, the ranter) — Mon, 04 Oct 2010 11:43:00 +0000

hey y'all... september is finally over. exile island has been evacuated. ROCKtober is here. ok, next...

just come off a very fruitful and profitable month of austerity measures. brilliant exercise. i would recommend to all who desire and require some fiscal sanity in this sea of bad debts... it works - believe me. me thinks this can be exercised every alternate month. dear neil has LOADS to save for: tummy tuck, trip to barcelona & greece, new mini, etc - the list goes on and on and on and on and on and on... you get the picture.

ja, so...

my start to ROCKtober hasn't been of the best - i do admit. feeling trés depressed (like, what's new?) and belligerent. just fighting with everyone. about everything. period. need to calm the fuck down, be less of a control freak and let the universe guide me. *yeah, right*

so... i got my new iphone 4. first off, knowing me - let me do the downside:

vodacom / vodashop / cellucity are useless entities and should be dissolved or liquidated or just deleted* as soon as fucking possible, post haste, immediately - they have NO FUCKING IDEA how to deal with corporate clients (i.e. moi). and they have no idea what customer service entails. i'm just saying (and said it repeatedly to them - must be on the worst customer list by now). NEVER ACCEPT BAD SERVICE - IT PERPETUATES THIS MONSTER!
repeat of the above point - just because....
rinse and repeat again. ok. done. dusted.
you definitely need a cover of some sort to nullify the reception issue (yes, there is definitely a reception issue if you put your stupid finger on that stupid line on the bottom left hand side of the stupid silver, reception band thing). stupid.

and on the upside:

beautiful
fast
efficient
brilliant
...did i say fast?
utterly gaaaaw-jis (at this point, i must admit to plagiarising [ok, stealing] this term from a dear angel by the name of ché who write a divine blog. she is an über-cool social media butterfly and is super talented :) ok, props-giving and arse-kissing over...
super new features (which i admit to being too busy to explore)
need i say more, really?

so, ja: all-in-all, a befokte piece of machinery :) BUY IT NOW!

neil has a very demanding couple of months ahead. BUT FIRST, i need to get through the next 18 days. yes, my dear correspondents, neil has a scant 18 days before jetting off to the spice islands (aka zanzibar) with a dear, old friend - let's just hope we'll still be dear old friends by the time we get back (haha)!

on friday, the 22nd of ROCKtober, a popsicle stand is gonna be blown (by neil). there will be general jollification, drunkenness and a truck-load of debauchery for a period of 7 nights and 8 days ;) neil will be hitting the white sands and azure indian ocean with dear old fayekie!! and anyone who knows dear old fayekie and anyone who knows dear old me - KNOWS that zanzibar will never be the same again.

now, let me stress - lots of people say this. but i really MEAN it. zanzibar will never be the same again (ok, partly due to the fact that the package we are on allows for unlimited booze... i'm just saying).

picture it - neil in his wayfarers, fayekie in her marc jacobs. red speedo, tiger-print bikini (lady gaga is still organising a meat bikini for her). both gazing east over the flat, beguiling indian ocean. some islander bra has just swept the sand to make it nice and flat (and so that we don't have to walk on sand that other people have walked on, i mean, like, really!) and he asks if we want anything...

neil: mmm, fayekie... what's for breakfast, ek sê?
fayekie: hellooooo? G&T's, doll!
neil: do i at least get a side of bacon with that?
fayekie: the tonic will do for your protein intake, greybe. don't be so uitgevreet! we gotta be super skinny on this island! NO FOOD, ONLY BOOZE!!
neil: damn, lovie. we've been on a liquid diet for 4 days straight! feeling a bit... peckish...
fayekie: ja, get yourself some muscle meat, honeyB!

faaark - ek kannie waggie :) gonna be a blast of note! i still need to follow up my blog-trilogy on my dear LOTR. it's coming. the next installment is 'the two towers'. i know you can't wait for it ;)

wake me when september ends...

noreply@blogger.com (neil, the ranter) — Mon, 13 Sep 2010 11:34:00 +0000

yes, so here i am. 13 days into exile island and... ok, it's not that bad - really. showing some strain but am taking it S.L.O.W. no other choice, really...

now, the rest of my posting may seem to be the ravings of a lunatic, but believe me, i am quite sane... i hope.

damn, i don't even have anything of substance to share. my time is consumed by chilling, reading, working (yes, working!) and watching LOTR (Lord of the Rings - to the uninitiated). yes, it has become a bit of an obsession. i mean, i really, really, really, really love the trilogy - but even i am getting a bit worried.

i watch one of the LOTR movies... em, like, every day. total ADDICT! but it's not just a fantasy epic - and a brilliant one at that, it speaks to everyday issues - like morality and the constant fight between good and evil. i get lost in the language, in the sets and scenes, in the high-fucking-drama of it all. WARNING: if you are not into LOTR - skip the rest of this post. i'm just saying.

actually, my obsession is at that point where i silently mouth the dialogue. damn. crazy - i know. although, i don't often watch an entire installment. just my favourite scenes... AT FULL BLAST! shame, my poor neighbours. but i DO have VERY accommodating neighbours. exceptionally accommodating :)

so, rather than go on and on and on and on about it, i thought i'd summarise my obsession into a TOP and BOTTOM selection of favourite scenes, characters, dialogue. the best and worst of the trilogy... but this blog will concern itself with the first installment - the fellowship of the ring.

so, the TOP:

probably the most perfect introduction to the trilogy (or ANY movie EVER) - galadriel's opening narration. - 'the world is changed...' - setting the entire trilogy in context and whetting the appetite.
aragorn - yoohhhh, what a hero. what a man. what a warrior. never flinches, never fears, always at the ready - even though middle earth is basically going to hell in a handbasket, aragorn is the business.
the elves - i wish i was an elf. seriaas! described in the start of the fellowship as the 'fairest and wisest of all beings' and as if that is not enough, they are immortal. elves are sorted, i'm just saying... they have their priorities straight. which is more that i can say for some people, who shall remain nameless.
the interaction between aragorn and arwen (ja, ja i know - arwen is an abomination to the lotr purists... can't they just get over themselves, already. jitte). well, i am a hopeless romantic afterall.
the score - yes, the music (all of which is original, by the way) is an astounding feat and fits the epic like a friggin' glove!
the black riders / nazgul / ringwraiths - awesome depiction. scary as hell!
saruman's initial scene - opening line: '...smoke rises from the mountain of doom, the hour grows late and gandalf the grey rides to isengard...' literally, powerful. christopher lee seems to embody the quintessence of saruman. powerful, regal, arrogant yet so woefully misguided.
the saruman / gandalf fight scene. in my humble estimation, this is where you realise that this is NOT a kiddies movie. '...you did not seriously think that a hobbit could contend with the will of sauron. there are none who can...' spine-chilling.
the scene where arwen meets frodo for the first time - arwen is THE bomb, really - brave, beautiful, brazen :) well, obviously - she is an elf afterall... she stieks uit all lit up, mal outfit, hair blowing in the ethereal breeze - what a scene... what a great scene...
boromir's realisation that aragorn, son of arathorn, is '...no mere ranger'. he is the king of gondor - duh!
rivendell - home of the elves. befok.
lord elrond - well obviously, he is a elf afterall and the king of the elves, to boot. hello!
the orc / troll fight scene in the mines of moria. hardcore. the first real ultra-violent scene of the film.
the depiction of belrog '...a demon from the ancient world. this foe is beyond any of you. RUN!'
the supposed 'demise' of gandalf - shocker - at the hands (or whip) of belrog! the look of frodo's face... priceless.
samwise gamgee - i wish i had a friend like that. damn. faithful to the end. and if i may be frank - although i do think frodo is the bomb, sam is the real hero. constant. hopeful. pragmatic. brilliant portrayal.
frodo, merry and pippin - a merry band of little hobbits although frodo is prone to bouts of depression... mmm, wonder why?
galadriel - the lady of the wood. she shows another dimension to elfvish power. it has a dark side. with the ring, she could become '...stronger that the foundations of the earth. all shall love me and despair...' you see - the language... arresting, is what it is.
the birthing of the uruk-hai in the caverns of isengard - hard, brutal, exactly what it is meant to be.
the switch in the mood of the scenery in many montages - my favourite is when the scene open in the caverns of isengard, harsh, shrill music, dark, depressing scene, orcs making swords, shields. then the music changes and you see a moth fluttering up to the top of isengard where gandalf sends it to fetch the eagles - probably one of my top 10 lotr moments.
the death of boromir and his ultimate salvation. he calls aragorn '...my captain, my king...'. and then promptly dies - very moving.

and now for the BOTTOM:

the black vs white portrayal. this is more of a reaction coming from a racially segregated past. everything bad is black - black gate, the orcs, black land of mordor. everything good is white - white light around the elves, the white city of minas tirith, the white tower, the white wizard... you get the picture. sometimes i wonder... where all my black elves at?
the overly-long depiction of the shire - BORING - let's get to the ACTION!
frodo's uncle - bilbo baggins. urgh.
would have wanted some more backstory on sauron. the books delve quite deeply into his past.
frodo's nagging, goody-two-shoes way! damn, cut loose for once!
gandalf's thinking - JASSIS - imagine, you've just discovered the ONE RING - the doom of man. who do you send on this most important mission - frodo of the shire. damn, gandalf. get real!
galadriel's fake nails. no man. i could've given her a more realistic looking manicure! AND yes, i know the whole movie is fake and make-believe ('cos you always get once arse-hole stating the obvious)
arwen can be a bit of a nag sometimes. i'm just saying.
gimli - naai, gimli is cool. he gets a promotion to the TOP list.
legolas' french plait - urgh. irritating. just wanna snip it OFF!

not much else bothers me, really. about the fellowship of the rings, that is.... next - the two towers :)

a social experiment

noreply@blogger.com (neil, the ranter) — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 09:26:00 +0000

it is the official start of SPRING today but the weather here in cape town is cold, wet & dreary. a day for les misérables - like moi. but in any case. i have been flailing about since my last post. doing nothing much in particular. just... being, i guess.

one hightlight - my friend and i are going to zanzibar at the end of october for 7 days of fun in the sun on the spice islands. whoo-fucking-hoo. seriously. got a truly amazing deal. and i just thought - fuckit. i deserve to treat myself a bit and this trip is loooooong overdue. so, ja... something to look forward to in the next 52 days!

and on to the reason for this blog. i am running a social experiment for the next 30 days. i am not going out for the next 30 days. socially, i mean. social exile - that's what i am terming it - albeit self-imposed. well, it's really a financial / social experiment. for the entire month of september - there will be no expenditure allowed for social purposes.

and the rules - (basic, really) no spending ANY money on:

social events (drinks, birthdays, dinners, etc.)
any non-essentials (apparel, gadgets, etc.)

...told you it was simple.

so, i can go out and socialise (technically) but cannot spend any money. and... (this is where the exile bit comes in) as i am no cheapskate, i will limit myself to the confines of my little loft for the next 30 days. ok - not exclusively. i do have to go into the office every now and then., see family, etc. but for the most part - i am at home.

sporty visited me last night and it was such a nice spend-free evening - she bought me a magnum gold :) shame.

an important exception - is spending when i am alone :) so, i still eat out for breakfast everyday, which is minimal expenditure, really. and ofcourse, if the iphone4 is released this month - all bets are off!

ok, in reviewing my rules - i am the WORST person to set up rules, jitte!

why, you may ask. well, in these recessionary times, i need to tighten the belt as it were. as disposable incomes dwindle, a good practical exercise was undertaken. i looked back to an average month and my expenditure on socialising is... to be honest - crazy! dinners, drinks, clubbing, clothes, etc. after the tally... wait for it... it far exceeded the spend on my car. yes! stupidly, i spend almost double of the equivalent of a monthly car repayment - on parties, drinks, clothes, ad nauseum. silliness - no other way to describe it.

and i had to replace a tyre last month (R3000 - ka-ching, 'thanks'says the fuckers at bmw). i need to renew my motorplan - urgh*. it is actually cheaper to just buy a new car! yes, i could downgrade but i really love my car. and there's nothing wrong with getting a new one. i'm just saying...

on the professional front - nothing has changed, predictably.

and you know, i hit a major milestone last week. casually, stepping on the bathroom scale, i weighed 99.8kg! ok, sound a vrag but it is probably the first time i weighed >100kg in like... almost 20 years. damn. but then i hurt my back on sunday which means a week with no gym so now i am back to 100.4kg or something like that. oi - i am such a silver-lining type of person but perseverance needs to prevail! very happy about this! 10kg to go!

so, yes - here i sit. in my little home-office. not spending.

on boredom...

noreply@blogger.com (neil, the ranter) — Wed, 18 Aug 2010 08:57:00 +0000

ok, so i am bored. utterly. completely. thoroughly. B.O.R.E.D.

you see, in my profession at the monolith, all my work is project based. i don't have a traditional 'day-to-day' job. so, if i am not assigned to a specific project, i am (what we fondly refer to as) benched. yes, i am on the bench - odd for someone whose never played a micro-second of competitive sports in his entire life. and yes, i do work for an american corporation. so what happens when you are benched?

well, you do nothing really. you are supposed to use the time building your international network, go on training, do all you irritating admin, etc. i.e. what everyone hates doing. and when you're done with that... you do fokkol. and that is where i am. happily, i have a home office, so i can do fokkol from home. so, every weekday (and just because I have nothing better to do, I'll give you a blow-by-blow account), I:

wake up (naturally).
check my phone.
watch some bbc world.
get up and go downstairs.
do a mini splash, et al.
get dressed for gym.
take a stroll to my car and drive to gym.
gym - either with my trainer or on my own.
have breakfast at vida.
stroll back to my car and *guess*
come back home.
stroll back to my joint.
shower and do other ablutions.
get dressed - NJR.
come back up to my home office (i.e. my bedroom).
put on my laptop, connect to the vpn...
check my work email (invariably - zero emails to action, just organisational junk).
check gmail and facebook religiously.
play online scrabble.
cruise the information super-highway (which very quickly becomes... you guessed it - boring.
have lunch.
some more cruising, fb, gmail, etc.
wait around until 4pm.
sign-off.
do some more boring stuff until i go to bed.
REPEAT.

ok, i've just come off a HECTIC project in Angola. so i definitely needed some downtime. but like 2 weeks would've been enough. i've been on the bench for a month already! urgh - not fun. essentially, because i am not on leave. can't really relax. i need to be active on the network and available to be mobilised at a moments notice. so, it's a big, BORING waiting game.

so, here i sit and wait. tick tock tick tock tick tock. there's only so much bbc world one man can watch. there's only so much scrabble to be played. it's just that your mind goes potty when not utilised. everything is over-thought, over-analysed, over-everything. i'm quite over-wrought.

i know, i know. let this be the worst of my troubles. but i'm just saying... i'm bored.

bleh if feeling perky, do not read

noreply@blogger.com (neil, the ranter) — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 11:06:00 +0000

a friend of mine reminded me today of the fact that i still have a blog to maintain. so, here goes... i think the last posting was going on and on and on and on and on and on about the world cup. well, it's over now and i can't shake my post-cup blues, to be honest.

very little to look forward to on a daily basis, no footballers, no games no gees... oh well - all good things... my interest in football has similarly and predictably waned. well, i've never really been a football fan - rather i'd categorise myself as a south africa fan. who cares about football, in any case. BUT - a phenomenal experience - let me take zilch away from that experience - the world cup, that is.

so, now... it seems i need some sort of thing to be happening to make me perk up. i am, essentially and intrinsically a bore. always need external stimulus. not sure why. but that is the sad fact. it's as if i am empty inside - like i don't really matter or even exist in the absence of some 3rd party intervention or stimulus - phonecall, sms, facebook, whatever. empty - wow. as i typed it - it felt so... i dunno. sad and pathetic? haha - just kidding. i know i am a step up from sad and pathetic - crazy and neurotic. ja, that's me - crazy and neurotic.

you see, i like doing my own thing, etc. - not being bothered by anyone, not bothering anyone. and this exacerbates my state of mind, i suppose. what i need is something that is all mine - that can fuel me. easier said than done. most certainly can't rely on people i know - too up and down. and predictably, people always disappoint - always, without fail. i know i am over-sensitive, but really.

most certainly, i need to be someone's priority. not the other way around. so there. i may not seem high-maintenance on the surface, but i am. people that have known me for many years still don't get me - my own fault. i am always killing myself to please every-fucking-one around me so i end up sorting myself out... myself - without bothering anyone. wow - that sounds fucked up :) even brought a wry smile to my sullen mug.

and i'm not shaving my beard - so i look even more sullen, gruff, silent. urgh*

oddly, i do have this realisation every few months. when will i learn? so, what to do... i guess the main contributing factor is that i am really not busy - not at all. at present, i am not assigned to a project at work so i am kind of in limbo. sitting in my home office. whiling the day away - reading junk on the internet, mind wandering to silly conclusions, thinking and over-thinking everything, questioning everyone's motives. aah, the human mind is a true fucker. it can drive you potty sometimes. but i need to assert more - and screw the consequences.

the real issue is that i may be bored with the banality of it all. same thing. same places. same faces. i think i need to strike out on my own - in more ways that one. build a new 'existence'. really, feel i need to do that now.

geez - what a depressing blog so far! but fear not, sanity always prevails. i do realise that in the grand scheme of things, i really should not be complaining this constantly. i am so very fortunate in so many ways. really. no jokes. my life is one big convenience - that i am really thankful for. just need a bit of a rant. mmm, what can i say to elicit some interest from my correspondents?

so what is on the horizons for the ranter. well, i am supposed to either visit my bff in pretoria at the end of september or go to zanzibar with her at the end of october. am really hoping for the latter! who knows? will only have some certaintly of that at the end of this month. another thing that probably won't pan out - but hey - who ever said i was an optimist?

i seem to slide from one extreme to the next. too stressed at work (who can forget the angola debacle) to zero stress at work. too busy - then doing nothing. up then down. hyper-stimulated, then bored to tears. but what is a 30-something-gay-over-sensitive-bored-under-stimulated-guy to do?

ayoba!

noreply@blogger.com (neil, the ranter) — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 07:52:00 +0000

and so it has come. it is here. it is being felt. and, sadly, it is almost over.

the 2010 fifa world cup has (and still is!) proved to be such an amazing event - all round. i must admit, all those years ago, when it was announced that my homeland would be the host of the world cup, i was one of those who did a slight eye roll and hoped for the best.

it all seemed so far away and it was kinda tough to get excited about it, to be honest. even last year, when the tickets were launched, etc. i barely raised an eyebrow. being a true, die-hard pessimist, the excitement for the event seemed to pass me by. this year i started a project with the monolith that virtually swallowed me whole. again, the world cup became even more distant and abstract for me - it was like... ja, ok - i have work to do.

BUT, when it came - it came, big time. this truly global event crashed on our shores on 11 june and things have never been the same, really. in case you've been in a coma for the last while, it has been a month of thrills & spills. excitement, glee, celebration, and exceptional national pride. words cannot really describe what this event has meant to south africans.

it has been on of the most exciting, unifying, proud time for us, as south africans living in, working in and contributing to this awesome nation, that is our home. i was reading a report on the huffington post and the blogger stated that south africa is indeed a unique nation to experience three miracles in recent history.

the release of our leader, Nelson Mandela, from 27 years of mindless and cruel incarceration at the hands of white supremacists. this was the ultimate miracle for a nation scarred by a racist mindset for over 400 years - and we achieved our freedom!
the granting, by fifa, and with the crucial support and influence of Nelson Mandela, we were given the opportunity to host this 2010 world cup. the first time that this event has been staged in africa - which is home to us all - the very cradle of humanity. awe inspiring stuff.
the unanimously successful staging of the 2010 world cup. yes, there were lots on nay-sayers. the doubt expressed that we could successfully host this event was almost unanimous as well. foreign media (especially english tabloids - shame, the poor english - they are their own worst enemies, really), local media, lots of doubt was expressed that south africa could do it. and to be honest, all of us at home said a little prayer that all would be well.

one thing that is never to be forgotten - south africans... we can do anything. and now, the world is reveling in this glorious spectacle. aaah, it has been spectacular. yes, i do realise that i am waxing lyrical here but gimme a break - it's the bloody world cup, for heavens sake!

i have met lots of foreigners here in cape town, living directly opposite a fan park - you meet loads of people. and the opinion - again, almost unanimously - no one ever knew that south africa was such an amazing place. many felt safer that in their own home countries. everyone is just loving this world cup. the dutch fans will be especially remembered - painting this town orange with the support for their team - and now they are in the FINALS!

my hometown of cape town has, again, come out tops. the combination of stunning natural beauty, table mountain looming large, a population of laid back, peaceful capetonians, green point stadium - a stadium of such monumental simplicity and elegance - which typifies cape town, right down to the tee. a stadium that has been described by fifa as the best pitch in the world! cape town - take a bow, you beauty!

so now we look forward to the 3rd place payoffs tomorrow (GER vs URU) in port elizabeth and the finals (ESP vs NED) in the magnificent soccer city. GO ESPANA!!

and then, it's all over - well not quite. this land of my birth has benefitted massively in terms of infrastructure alone - is quite astounding. this. combined with the goodwill of all the foreign visitors to our shore - the only way is UP!

VIVA SOUTH AFRICA, VIVA!

and now... well, lets just say... welcome to the build up of the XXXII Summer Olympic Games in 2020. Where else but in CAPE TOWN :)

8 years on...

noreply@blogger.com (neil, the ranter) — Wed, 07 Jul 2010 12:05:00 +0000

it's my daddy's (yes, coloured people call their fathers 'daddy' and their mothers 'mommy', k) birthday today, 07/07 - or better said, it would've been his birthday today - he would've been 59 today. he passed on 8 years ago, well 8 years in 10 days time, on 17/07 - all these 7's...

in any case, the occasion is worthy of a blog. i never speak much about my father on this blog, or in general, i guess - no real reason, really. but it's not what you think - nothing remotely what you think. there were no issues between us, we had a good relationship. he was a very good father - worked very hard for his three children. we had everything we wanted, so... it's just that i don't go on about it.

like i said, i rarely speak of the old days but today i am thinking back on the old days and looking at old pictures and it makes me happy:

when we were younger, my daddy did the school run in the mornings for us. lynn, my cousin, would come around at the crack of dawn to our place (we lived very close to one another) and we would be off to the 'plain for school - such a simple ritual that you took for granted then...
outings (braai's) with friends to silvermine, tokai forest, boulders beach, dalebrook pool...
we went (lynn, me and my sister) to the constantia village fair every year while he worked for engen - doing all the rides, eating toffee apples...
christmas and 'the big days' at my gran's place - he used to call my oupa 'birds' - 'cos he came from a land where the birds flew backwards... my oupa had a fondness for some tipple over christmas - hence the birds flying backwards :)
he only ever drank coffee or tea from a proper tea cup - do not even think of giving him something in a mug!
he was pendantic about finding something where he put it last - oi...

as time goes by, memories fade or are not as clear as you would want them to be. but what i can say is that he was a good man, a good father. and he is missed.

...and we are GO for lift-off!

noreply@blogger.com (neil, the ranter) — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 09:27:00 +0000

well, good morning from a rather wet, cold cape town. but who cares about the weather. it is the 2010 fifa world cup. south africa is buzzing. and... my professional woes - this nightmare project that i have been busy for the last while. - are over for now. this little work thingie that has consumed my existance for the last 6 months - well, some very good news! we received a GO decision last week and in a scant few days (on 01 july) we will be live with our solution!

damn, and what a 6 months this has been. taking over a sinking ship, lurching from disaster to disaster (resignations, cyclones, severe team issues, oil spill, more resignations, lies, immense pressure, angolan police drama) - you name it, been there, done that) and now it is all (almost) over.

and i am massively relieved for it, to be perfectly honest. now, i need to use the time to reflect on my career with the monolith. the last 2 project engagements have really taken it out of me. you want to know why people in my field are so scarce? well, people just burn out. plain & simple. burnout. any sort of sustained pressure of a sap implementation project - it is too much to bear, even in the medium term.

so i have some serious decisions to make. i know, this is not the life i want. it may be the one i have worked towards for the last decade but now that i have it - i don't really want it. not the career path - is what i mean... was thinking the other day - am i just lazy or what? but, you know, screw that. i do not want to be in a position where i am working late everyday, no weekend, no personal time, all work, work, work, all the time. sorry - if that makes me lazy, then yes - i am fucking lazy.

as i progress deeper into my 30's, all i want now is to be happy. not quite sure what that is though. all i know is that it is not being a sap project manager. that much i definitely know. so the old journey continues...

my current (for today, that is) is finding quarter-final tickets for the ARG vs GER game. damn, i have woken up too late and it seems that all tickets are gone :( anyway, i guess that's how the cookie crumbles. but will definitely be in green point on saturday to soak up that awesome atmosphere.

i have taken another step in re-claiming my life and went to gym today. *woah* getting on the fitness bandwagon is infinitely harder that getting off it. but i tell myself this all the time. never bloody learns... but in any case - GO ARGENTINA!!!

and so it is here...

noreply@blogger.com (neil, the ranter) — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 09:16:00 +0000

can you feel it? yes, my correspondents! the fifa soccer world cup is well and truly underway... and quite at home here, in glorious south africa:) the feelings are hard to describe. i never thought that it would be like this... N.E.V.E.R.

you all know, in quite graphic detail, the my professional woes and true to form, on the 11th june - at the very start of the world cup, i found myself in a crisis at work - what's new. doom&gloom, i tell you. but south africa, cape town specifically, was absolutely pumping. i live directly opposite a fan park in the cbd [at the risk of letting some axe-wielding psycho trawling the internet for personal information where i live]. so the excitement, jubilation and pride was absolutely bubbling over.

people getting excited, vuvuzelas getting excited - and neil, stuck behind his laptop, on the day of the opening match, dealing with some bloody project crisis. anyway, so sporty is well in her element - being a soccer fan. she comes around and we watch the opening ceremony. first off, being a free country, non-militiary, etc. - we can never match the chinese in synchronicity of a group performance, but we did well - a bit underwhelming, but there you do. it didn't matter though...

it didn't matter... soccer fever had (and has) hit our shores. with the opening match (south africa vs mexico) a mere minutes away, a mixture of national pride and fervour gripped this nation, like never before. the feeling was almost tangible. we left my flat (and all my crises and emails and etc.) and made our way into the city. awesome feeling. south africans and people from all over the world, united, enjoying this awesome spectacle - it's truly once in a lifetime.

ok, enough waxing lyrical from me... so we meet up with a chilean colleague of sporty's - who is quite emotional at this point. we are in a bar off greenmarket square. people smiling, drinking, vuvuzelas (i fucking love them, i'm just saying...) pounding my eardrums. double brandy and tab in hand, the game starts. etc. bafana scores the opening goal of the 2010 soccer world cup - the nation erupts - and unluckily, we end up with a draw. no matter - it is here and we are feeling it

and so it has been. non-stop elation, thrills and spills, you name it. south africa - we love you! i must say, i am immensely proud of my country - staging such an event, foreigners feeling safe and happy here and loving my city and country. wow.

so, i manage to secure tickets for the italy vs paraguay game in cape town. sporty and i (and jonny and ange) are off to the game. the evening - now known as the coldest and wettest day in cape town - is freezing! we make our way along the fanwalk - pouring with rain. we are soaked through in freezing wind but you know, it didn't matter. we were in green point stadium, in glorious cape town, watching this match [sporty is an italy fan, by the way]. what can i say - oh, what a night.

and it's been almost non-stop since then. the 2010 juggernaut embraces all. you can't escape it. who wants to, that's what i say. and it seems like all the stressing, anxiety, sleepless nights, dark thoughts and... fear to be honest was worth it. we have (almost) made it - my work project that is. we are now days from going live and all seems in order. it ain't over yet but juggling a team dispersed in cape town, london, india and angola has been taxing. now that it's virtually over, it doesn't seem THAT bad, but no - it was. i never want to be in this position, in a professional sense, ever again.

so, now bafana is out [but did us immensely proud on their final match against france] and i am betting on argentina to take this thing. we have little more than 2 weeks left of this amazing spectacle. so... ENJOY!

out of sorts...

noreply@blogger.com (neil, the ranter) — Fri, 04 Jun 2010 12:27:00 +0000

this is my first blog since getting back to south africa last sunday. trip was uneventful and got here in one piece :) felt like crap on monday, so stayed at home. exhaustion, stress, cold - you name it. took a days' leave on tuesday to sort out a bit of my chaotic life (car service, etc...). and the rest of the week has been more of the 'same as usual'.

i feel so alienated. everyone in south africa (at work, on the street, in the malls, you name it...) is going world cup crazy. there were some draws and raffles here at work today. everyone (except me) is wearing their bafana bafana kit. everyone is ayoba. except me. what i'm involved in, is sucking the last breathe out of me - such a pity. i will never experience another south african world cup and it's all just passing me by...

and the work is just piling up. more deliverables, more work, more meetings, more decisions, more frustration, more... you get the picture. and the strain is starting to show. on me and my team, that is.

i got this massive migraine on wednesday night - and i still have it. can't shake it. can't get rid of it. it's like i am used to the pain now - how ridiculous is that! the left side of my face is so badly swollen because of the headache that i look like i was in a fight. many of my colleagues asked me 'who won the fight'. ai... went to the doc last night and he said that i should give the swelling some time to abate.

at least my glasses hide the worst of it. but my eyes don't match!! very disconcerting...

i was planning this real blow-out weekend. was gonna paint the town red with sporty tonight. much of the same for the rest of the weekend. but can't show my quasimodo face outside. although i have resolved NOT to work this weekend (the first since... umm... late february). so i am just going to chill in bed tonight and the whole of tomorrow - just to give my head some time to recover and the swelling to go down.

sunday is a joint birthday party for my mom, sister and cousin. cannot miss that - it was supposed to be last week but as i was still in the wilds of angola, it was postponed to this week - so i gotta be there - headache or not!

in any case - have a good weekend, all...

four de fevereiro aeroporto

noreply@blogger.com (neil, the ranter) — Sun, 30 May 2010 11:01:00 +0000

so, yes - i am sitting here in what passes for an airport lounge at four de fevereiro aeroporto in luanda. ...and i use the words airport lounge very liberally. i'm just saying...

had such a kak nights' sleep. there was this dog in the area that just WOULD NOT STOP fucking barking. damn - the height of frustration. so, i was up rather grumpy but immediately perk up at the thought of getting the hell outta this place.

took my time packing, showering, etc. i told myself - 'neil, you are travelling with a connection in between, you cannot rock a linen shirt, for heavens' sake'. but hey, i just want the impossible. so my shirt is looking like it just came out of the tumble dryer but you know - i don't CARE. on my way to glorious cape town :)

has a nice breakfast - which for the last month has consisted of 2 slices of toast with ham and cheese with some baked beans - delicious, i tell you. there is a full english and continental breakfast on offer due to all the brits and bloody americans here - sniffing out the oil... sickening. i guess that i am also in some small way contributing to the oil addiction of this planet - my client is a large oil multinational who has been in the news constantly due to a little incident in the gulf of mexico, so... oh yes, and i drive a very small car with a very large appetite.

you can see how important oil is here - there is a twice-daily direct flight to houston, texas, so...

my driver pitches promptly at 10:45 GMT and we are off. i am with a colleague of mine who has really proved an immense help me! so, yes - we are off. driving through luanda on a sunday morning feels pretty much like driving through luanda on a monday morning, this city is hectic. busy. heaving masses of humanity going about their business. crazy. you will be hard-pressed to even find a bergie in the cape town cbd on a sunday. true story...

so, we arrive at four de fevereiro aeroporto, our protocol assistants are waiting for us. we get ushered through the airport - past the 100m long lines, thank heavens. that's why travelling business is essential in angola. you could wait for up to 4 hours waiting in a cattle class line and then you miss your connecting flight, etc, ad nauseum. the lady at the airline check in gives me a look that would kill. she squints her eyes to make sure that the picture on my visa matches what she is seeing through her exceptionally cross-eyes gaze. damn, lady - get some glasses! jassis! check in proceeds without any further ado.

in any case, we get through the security check and then on to the currency check. now, i have been asked twice already if i has any kwanzas (the local angolan currency). answered 'no' twice. now i have to stand in this friggin' line that is 15 people long to say 'no' again.

E.V.E.N.T.U.A.L.L.Y. i get into this 1mx1m room with a policeman that is just itching to let off a couple of rounds of his uzzi and a rather innocuous-looking customs official. 'bom dias', i say. the policeman grunts and the official smiles and i say 'i have no kwanza's - just USD and ZAR'. he seems satisfied and the policeman wants to intervene - probably to conduct a strip search, but the official waves me out of the room - thank heavens for small mercies.

ok, off to the lounge to relax a bit. escalators out of order... mmm - trek up 2 flights with my 2 bags and i enter. err, how do i describe this, mmm... underwhelming is the word. a large room, filled with rather frazzled travellers, waiting to get outta angola. americans speaking at the top of their voices. brits boozing it up for dear life. damn - stereotypes.. classic.

i find myself a rather uncomfortable seat and try to get onto wifi - surprisingly simple. dare not ask for anything else - the lady at the front desk looks like a man in a air stewardess outfit - i'm just saying. she (or he) looks like they would rather head butt you (i'm being TOTALLY serious here) that help. so, i just slink to the back of the room, sit in this rather uncomfortaqble chair and get onto facebook. read all about the rugby woes (sorry, just not a rugby person, so i could care less to be honest) and started this blog.

anyway - we are boarding in like 30 minutes, so... later...

on the eve of my departure...

noreply@blogger.com (neil, the ranter) — Sat, 29 May 2010 10:08:00 +0000

so, the day has finally (almost) arrived. tomorrow i'm soooo outta angola - it 'aint even funny. my driver is collecting us quite early tomorrow morning 'cos you just never know with the traffic in luanda. my client is providing protocol escort as we are still technically allowed in the country tomorrow - but on the merest technicality. and the last thing i need is to be detained or arrested or deported. damn. so the protocol folk will ensure that we get onto our plane safely and without a uzzi being pointed in our faces.

it's my sister's birthday today and my mother's tomorrow. missing both - pity...

my mood has definitely perked up! rounding out my team's deliverables (will be 95% done) - which i consider a PASS. some things that need to be picked up on Monday. sitting here at the client offices looking over the bay here in luanda - the sea looks so flat - somewhat marred by the many, many, oil tankers and rigs on the horizon - but, hey - you can't have it all, i guess.

in retrospect, i must say that - even as unbearable and as pressurised and as unpleasant an experience this was for me - i have learned something.

i can do it, for fuck's sake
i am much calmer than i thought - under the circumstances
sacrifice does lead to reward - but i can't be doing this all the time (i have worked weekends, missed 3 public holidays - while my colleagues in the UK just couldn't give a toss - fuck!)
i might take my job too seriously - but quality is important to me
even though i can do it, being a project manager of a global project - with resources sitting all over the world, trying to arrange everything for everyone - is exceptionally taxing and i would not like to do it again - even though this is my first time and the next one will be a breeze - but still... i am going back to being a normal managing consultant.

but, the fat lady hasn't sung yet! there is still work to do. we've closed off a major user test cycle. now - final prep and GO LIVE!! i end this assignment at the end of july so 8 weeks to go and i am DONE! thankfully, having been in angola for 29 days - i have exhausted my ordinary visa limit - before creating a tax presence in angola. so, i can't really come back for GO LIVE. my colleagues (who somehow didn't see the urgency of being here for the test cycle) from the UK, will get their 2 weeks here *evil grin*.

i think back and cringe a bit (but not really) about constantly whining about my job, being here, etc. and in the end - well, i made it. whining, complaining, moaning, belly-aching, protesting, griping - it's just my way of coping, you know. a necessity for me :)

am almost done at the office now. have like, a half a day to do fokkol (my favourite thing), pack and be ready for my driver tomorrow!

on that note, ciao

on strike for the next hour

noreply@blogger.com (neil, the ranter) — Tue, 25 May 2010 12:00:00 +0000

on strike for the next hour... damn - need just a scant 60 minutes to myself. O.K.? anyone have an issue with that!

ja, so EVENTUALLY, i get confirmation for my flight home. shame, my colleague initially couldn't get onto business class - and i felt so shit about it. both of us are working our collective ARSES off here. so... we had to delay coming back home (and she is missing an important birthday, i am missing 2). we flew to this place on business (class, that is) and because we had to delay our departure by 2 days there was a bit of a scramble to get confirmation for our flights back home.

i've always hated scenes where, on a business trip, the management sit on the right side of that all important curtain, get their hot towels and what-not. while the rest of the team fight it out in cattle class. don't get me wrong - i rarely travel business class - the monolith sanctions economy only - doesn't matter who the hell you are. but the client has sanctioned business class and who am i to complain... so in any case, my colleague eventually also got onto business class - but what a mission!

so, now we have 5 more days left in angola. it's a real pity that i (well, we) had no time to explore, see the sights, etc. my working experience here has really left a bitter taste in my mouth. which is a shame. i have been here for 24 days already and i've seen...

my hotel
the client offices
the road between the two

so, essentially, i've seen fokkol of the real angola. on my brief forays into the city - i do admit that it would've been an... um... interesting place to explore. but a word of caution - angola is not geared to tourism - in any way. there are lots of scars left from the war. you wait up to 6 months for a hotel vacancy. i think there are only 2 operational hotels. most companies own private houses where expats and visitors can stay. otherwise - there is little else.

and very few people speak english. yes, i know - how imperial of me. but if you don't speak portuguese - you are fucked. sorry - just the way it is. you can get nothing done without an interpreter. i'm just saying...

but... i can't wait to get outta here. these last days are proving to be particularly bad. pressure is unbelievably immense. and that's not the end of it. i am still on this project until the end of july - if all pans out. we have a GO / NO GO decision to be made next week - as to whether we go live or not. so... who know?

in any case - ciao!

9 days...

noreply@blogger.com (neil, the ranter) — Fri, 21 May 2010 08:14:00 +0000

yes, dear correspondents, i am down to single figures. 9 days until i get back to dear old cape town. wow, as i type this sentence, a realisation hits me - i am a rather provincial soul. i'd never really thought of it in the past. yes, i have travelled somewhat - most for work but i am rather happy to admit that i love being at home in south africa.

i've met loads of people at work - and as the monolith is a large multi-national and my clients usually are the same - who feel more at home at an airport lounge that in their own countries, they travel constantly, never really seem to make any real connections. their notebooks and wi-fi connections are their connections i would imagine. i've been in that groove in the past and now again and i must say - i bloody hate it.

yes, i am totally ou-doos in this respect. love my city, country, digs, connections at home - and that's where i want to be. in my younger professional days i had visions of becoming this high powered consultant - all i would need is my dark suit, impeccable shoes, laptop and an internet connection. seamlessly connecting to stakeholders all over the world. organising, facilitating, etc, blah, blah. and now that i've had a few years of doing that - it's the LAST thing that i want to be doing anymore. h.a.t.e. it - i'm just saying...

it's been a long time that i've been going on and on and on and on about changing my career. i am just missing the impetus. maybe i should just be fired to finally get off my ass - no scrap that - i would never want to be fired. i just need to start a viable plan (yes, that does mean to stop waiting for the lotto). sporty and i have been talking about our dreams - starting our own business. it would be mal. a little place in upper kloof. doing what we love. yoh - it will be so befok.

but for that to work, i would need to do some s.e.r.i.o.u.s. work - like cutting back financially. this is easier said than done. i have become used to living the high life - this without earning the mega salary that would usually enable one to live the high life. hence, you can imagine - i have to clear out my debt. i have to re-assess what is important. happiness and actually loving what i am doing OR being able to just get whatever i want and spend on a whim. i have picked up some terrible spending habits - ALL my own fault. ALL my own doing.

so what do i need to do?

get real
decide what i really want out of life - i just want to be happy, really
start on the plan to get my finances in order
do the actual work to make our business venture a reality (any investors out there :)

i cannot imagine still doing what i am doing now in 5 years. no firggin' way. no friggin' way! so, in dee's inimitable words - onwards and upwards!

see you in 9 days... hopefully!

...ok, that was a nightmare...

noreply@blogger.com (neil, the ranter) — Tue, 11 May 2010 08:52:00 +0000

i've probably started a blog, like 50 times in the last few days. but i has such an experience yesterday that scared the shit out of me, that i had to do an update today.

so, on friday, i suffered a bit of a loss. more than half of my forex was stolen - almost US$2000. from a secure building here in luanda. mmm - it would seem that i am safer out on the streets here. but crime is everywhere - believe me, i am a south african, i know. in any case, the money was stolen and as a result, i had to accompany the building security person to the police station to give a statement (along with the 2 accused, which were caught on camera, by the way).

so. yesterday, i get summoned to downstairs to accompany the security manager to the police station - not a long walk... but in tropical temperatures - it's another story. so we get there (me, wet through with sweat - charming, neil) and are joined by the 2 accused. let me set the scene - a filthy, tiny entrance with a rather disinterested policeman sitting there - yawning the morning away.

and everything here in in portuguese, remember... so, we enter and it seems you have to be EXTRA deferential to the police here - they all walk around / sit around with uzzi's hanging from their shoulders - ready to burst off a couple of rounds if you merely smile at them. in any case, so we enter and a furious conversation starts between the security manager and the policeman - all in portuguese. 10 minutes of that and i am ordered to state my case... i do - with the security manager interpreting. the policeman eyes me as if to say - you fucking foreigners constantly moaning about kak...

oh, yes - forgot to mention that there is no aircon in police stations in luanda - i'm just saying...

so, i finish my statement - with intermittent barking from the policio. then we get shown to the detective - who has to be someone IMPORTANTE as he is in plain clothes - with a handgun laying on his desk. clearly, he has moved up from the uzzi brigade. now, he looks even less interested in my case. the room in tiny with 8 of us squeezed into an office the size of a large closet. nonetheless, we continue. an hour later of constant shouting (at me, the security manager, the accused) - my statement is done. an hour of sheer hell - i was shit scared - not ashamed to admit it.

an hour of giving over my passport 4 or 5 times, repeating my story numerous times, looking at the gun on the desk... i have never been in such a situation before IN.MY. LIFE. well, as they say, there is always a first time. it had me shaken & stirred, thank you very much. oh, and by the way, the investigation will take a few months to conclude - i'm just saying...

now, i have minimal forex left for the rest of my stay. i duly report the matter to the monolith... and guess what. there is NO process or procedure defined to assist a consultant in angola who has had forex stolen. can you fucking believe that! the one credit card agency that the monolith deals with has no coverage in angola - hence no way of sending me more forex. and... obviously, cash is not insured. ai...

so, i am sitting here in angola, high and dry, with the monolith dithering over process while they have a consultant in a, let's say less developed country, in a desperate situation. pathetic. and the monolith prides itself on its global nature - like i said, utterly fucking pathetic.

well, what was i expecting, really. 2010 has proved to be a downward spiral for me - in a professional sense, at least. nothing, but NOTHING has worked out for me. f*all. it is so disheartening, to be honest. i am not the most optimistic and perky person - combined with my absolutely bloody sickening run of bad fortune - yorrr, i can't believe it.

so, as at today, i have 18 days left in angola. been here for 8 days, so that means i am just under a third of the way... hopefully, i get out of here in 1 piece - i hope. in any case, the battle continues...