Pantasyarista

Why I Think I Couldn't Eat Chocolates Anymore

2014-03-10T10:54:00.002+08:00

A lot of times, I see myself whining and complaining about what I don't have and what I could never have. I did not come from a rich family and I do admit that there are moments when I would look at others enviously, wondering why they have things I don't. During the worst time, I even blamed my parents for not working hard enough to give me the most comfortable life they should provide me and my brother with. It was beyond stupid, I know, and I regretted that.

But I regretted that even more when I watched the Road for Hope documentary of KBS World featuring Jung Yunho. The program showed clips of the pitiful situation of the children in Ghana, Africa. Lives of the kids there were featured and I would be lying if I say their stories didn't touch my heart.

The picture above shows Mamichi, a 7-year old girl who suffers from Buruli ulcer, a disease that affects the skin and bones. I was mostly moved by the scene when Mamichi told Yunho that the worst part of the treatment is during the changing of the bandages; and just then, the nurse came to change hers. Yunho was beside her and I can say that I think I felt how he did seeing the little girl suffering, without screaming. He just held her hand tightly, hoping that he could give even the slightest bit of comfort.

The whole time, I wished I was there to hold her hand too.

In the picture above is Joshua. He's working in a seemingly junk shop in a seaside town and is living in a small shack. Ordinary? No. What touched me the most about this young man is his determination to learn and fulfill his dream. He wants to be a pilot someday and is never giving up on it, no matter how difficult life is for him.

But when asked why he doesn't go to school, he told Yunho that he wanted to but he doesn't have the money. Everything involves it and he doesn't have it. What to do?

There were other kids, and there was Luke. I didn't get how old he is but his story was another heart-wrenching one for me. Ghana is the second largest exporter of Cocoa in the world, if I'm not mistaken, and Luke was sent by his parents to a cocoa farm to work. According to the documentary, they sent him there so he could have food to eat. But somehow, I wondered if that was the only reason... Can't there be a possibility that they sent their child to another place to work so they can be freed from a responsibility they should handle themselves?

Going on with the story, Luke is like any other child in the area. He works almost fifteen hours a day just to have food. He would climb trees and get the cocoa fruits, expertly cut in in half to get the seeds, and then dry them under the sun. When he gets home, he'll feed the chicken and do other chores.

All these for a handful of roasted corn that would serve as his food for the whole day. And believe me, he hasn't even tasted the chocolate they have worked so hard for.

Just as how Yunho was rendered speechless seeing these children work so hard, I couldn't fathom what to feel too. But then, I felt hot tears streaming off my eyes and my chest was constricting in emotional pain. More than the fact that I feel sorry for the kids, I feel more regretful.

Seeing Mamichi in pain was like seeing myself in pain too. It made me feel so little that I always whine in the smallest wounds I get, and yet, there she was, trying to hold in the pain for as long as it takes. It hurt me more when Yunho said that the disease could have been prevented with one bottle of antibiotic, if they only have the money to buy it.

But then again, they don't. And so it happened.

Joshua's story: I really would want to show this to all students I know. I want them to realize the value of education, because the kid's story really emphasizes how important it is. As Yunho stated in his narration, poverty is passed on from generations to another. And only education can put a stop on it.

As for Luke, his story really made me feel like I cannot eat chocolates anymore. I have been constantly complaining about work and how much the money I earn couldn't suffice me with what I need; and then here's this kid who works all those hours for a handful of roasted corn we actually use for bingo games. How pathetic could I be?

Not able to handle the emotions anymore, I went to the kitchen and almost broke down. Sobbing, I kept on chanting in silence, imploring God to give me a chance to help. Repeatedly, I asked Him for opportunities to provide assistance to these kids.

It frustrates me that I couldn't do anything. It frustrates me that bad.

I don't know what to do at the moment. I want to take baby steps towards a goal I couldn't actually decipher. What do I want to do for these kids? I couldn't figure out yet. But one thing is clear at the moment, I want to inform people about the reality of their lives. I want others to know that while we're living a life we always complain about, some are constantly going through battles to survive even just a day.

I couldn't do anything yet, I know. But hopefully, this blog post would be a good wake-up call to others who can...

Help is needed. Badly.

You can watch the full video here.

All photos are NOT owned by the writer.

GUNITA: A Blessed Opportunity

2014-03-08T22:01:00.001+08:00

I wasn't supposed to be a part of this. I thought I would just be on the side supporting Luwi and Kuya Marvin as they take part in this ambitious (in a good way) activity. But everything dissolved when I received a message from A.D. Acebedo, the head of the organizing team, to design the official poster of the event. I did, and everything began.

To my surprise, Kuya Marvin announced my being the 'official photographer' of the event. Well, I promised to be there for the opening but I never really thought of having that title since we never talked about it. But as I came to realize, God really must have acted out His plans that I ended up taking the responsibility. It wasn't that difficult anyway since photography is really my passion, but it felt an honor nonetheless.

To be a part of something this big is like a manifestation of the huge blessings God is constantly bestowing upon me. In the three days I spent with the group, I felt like I wasn't even worthy - especially that I don't own an image; but that was thrown aside when I look back to the recent past and realize that if I'm not worthy, would I have earned the trust this people gave me?

It's beyond amazing how God worked His magic again on me. Prior to this stint, I was doubting my abilities. I was feeling so lethargic, tired and burnt out. I wanted something new that would take me off the usual things in my life. And this happened and I am really beyond grateful.

I don't know if it's okay to partake on it, but when it was concluded that the exhibit was a success, I felt so proud of myself and the group. Frankly speaking, it is not easy to find people who knows what they're doing and what they're doing these kinds of things for. I mean, not everyone knows what these images are for exactly, right? But these people do; and I'm glad that I learned a lot from them. Fr. Ron said before that it is already a good thing when there's even one person whose faith was strengthened through this activity, and looking at my own self now, I think a good thing just indeed happened.

A while ago, I was talking to my friend when she told me that my mom was rather amused at how I was the past few days. Normally, she would go crazy over the fact that I am always in a rush, that I'm always leaving the house and I always go home late, and that I seldom get to help in the house chores. But as we were preparing for this exhibit, Mama told my friend that it's amazing how I seem to enjoy it despite the sleepless nights and endless panic. That's when I knew that Mama is beginning to understand my way of service. That's a blessing.

And I have this event to thank. :)

Insigna

2014-03-06T17:41:00.003+08:00

"In my quest for wisdom and creativity, I concede and surrender to the supremacy of God."

The Beautiful Side of Regrets

2014-02-23T21:45:00.001+08:00

People are funny most times. They do things and then regret it later on. They wallow in self-pity thinking about what-ifs and blaming themselves for being stupid in the past. They are consumed by their guilt and frustration over their past actions and are these hinder them from being authentically happy and contented.

At one point in my life, I have fallen on the dirty traps of life and like many, I was depressed over the issues of my yesterday. It was dark times - like I'm jailed inside an invisible prison that won't let me see the beauty of the outside. I fed on negative thoughts, letting it all overpower my whole being.

Until I decided that it was enough.

Talking to a friend a few nights ago, I was quite astounded to hear myself talking about handling regrets. I couldn't believe I said those things at all actually - because surprisingly, it all made so much sense.

Regrets are like one of the most painful things our minds had ever created. They are memories that constantly remind us of things we so want to forget. They are life's greatest weapons in trolling us all - because they bring us back to the times we never want to look back on, back to our mistakes, back to the times when we were terribly imperfect.

I'm not saying we can be perfect. It's just that we have to understand. If we are to look at the positive side of things, what exactly are regrets?

Regrets are painful memories that mock us consistently; but I have learned to see them as the greatest factor that keeps people grounded. Reminding us of our ugly parts and mistakes, regrets are our biggest reminders that we are imperfect and are bound to make mistakes.

In short, regrets make us human. That's the truth.

I don't think there's even one person without regrets. Even despite people's YOLO attitude nowadays. I don't think there's anyone in the planet who doesn't ask his/her own what-ifs. No one will ever understand the essence of YOLO unless he experienced regrets. See the connection?

My friend asked me how to erase it, and for a moment, I couldn't quite answer. For a moment, I really thought of how to do it. But then, I realized that there's no way you can delete your regrets because that requires you to forget your past. And no one forgets his/her past (unless you get on an accident or a disease and you lose your memories).

If you're familiar with the Expecto Patronum spell in Harry Potter, it pretty much shares the same logic with my formula of defeating regrets. We need to think of greater and better memories that would overcome the dark aspects of our past. If there's none, then create. Because as I told her, happy memories are always the most powerful.

But in the end, it all boils down to the determination of the person to really get over his/her regrets. Dealing with it is easy if only we really want to. One needs not to be overly dramatic in engaging with these thoughts, because that's all it's going to be.

The past is important, but it's all it is: past. It hones us. It guides us. But what's more important is the present and the future that lies ahead. We need to learn how to focus on that if we want to move forward.

My Best Trait

2014-02-21T09:23:00.000+08:00

Finding beauty in the most uncommon places is probably my forte.

I make sure I look beyond what the naked eyes see.

I make sure I comprehend what only the heart can.

It's not about being positive, actually...

But about giving chances.

What happens to a world which positive side is taken for granted?

What happens to people who couldn't see the good things in each other?

It is totally interesting when I try hard to find something others can't see.

Because when I find it, it gives me an edge.

It makes me feel different.

Perhaps, that's the root of this all.

I want to be different so I find the difference.

Easier said than done, but possible.

Plus, it makes us better persons;

this world, a better place.

Slow but Sure

2014-02-17T10:37:00.000+08:00

Over and over again, I have to remind myself to take things slow. And sometimes, it gets tiring and frustrating that I couldn't seem to develop the virtue of patience. It annoys me often that I couldn't seem to focus on one thing alone, perhaps because I've been trained hard to multi-task.

But for the nth time, I will concede on the necessity of learning how to live life slowly. I have learned a long time ago that doing so allows me to see what exactly makes living worth it. Like when walking in the park, it allows me to see and experience all the beautiful things which I don't think I can pay attention to if I'm rushing. It makes me appreciate everything more.

Also, slowing down allows me to have more time to think of my actions. I also have the tendency to be very impulsive and sometimes, it does me no good. Whenever I take things slow, I get the time to think of the possible repercussions of my every action; and I think that for a person who aims to never regret, this is clearly a necessity.

Lastly, slowing down leads me to actually finish things. I get to follow my to-do list and really focus on what I have to do. This gives me the chance to master my crafts; and it's probably the best thing of all, considering that being a Jack of All Trades but a Master of None kind of depresses me.

Over and over again, I have to remind myself to take things slow. And I think everyone should do so too. Life is too short, so as they say; but that's exactly the point. Life is too short so why not cherish everything that's worth it? Remember: Life should not just be about trying everything just for the sake of experiencing it. It's about figuring out what and where you're best at so that you can have at least one thing to be proud of.

And you cannot do that when you're in a rush.

Enjoy the Trip, Tado.

2014-02-09T09:46:00.000+08:00

photo from rtmoratin @ Tumblr

As I am the type of person who goes for humor and intelligence than looks, such preference carries on to my choice of artists. And in the Philippines, there is only a few celebrities I look up to - people who I see are not just sincerely devoted to their chosen craft, but are sensible enough to last in the industry.

That is why it took me by surprise when I learned of what happened to Tado Jimenez. A bus fell off a ravine in Bontoc, Mountaine Province and unfortunately, he is one of the casualties. According to reports, he died on the spot and his body was identified by the police after seeing his identification card.

Apparently, Tado, or Arvin Jimenez in real life, was on his way to Bontoc with some friends from the industry (Gerard Baja & David Sicam). I don't know if it's for work or for an adventurous vacation, but on his last post in Instgram, it was evident that he's excited for this 'long, long trip'.

And it turned out that it's indeed a long trip they're going to.

I don't personally know Tado, nor have I met him before. But he's definitely one of the people in the industry who managed to earn my respect. His humor was natural and I think that's quite rare among comedians today. His ability did not even lie on the way his looks nor the way he speaks. He made people laugh through his statements which were always an enticing mix of humor and sense.

What I admire most about him is talent in making people laugh and learn at the same time. I may have known him a little late than others but his radio program Brewrats had been my refuge after grueling Thesis classes during college. Alongside Angel Rivero and Ramon Bautista, Tado definitely brought be entertainment and knowledge and expanded my vocabulary. Their trio introduced me to a brand new kind of radio entertainment which I thought had long been forgotten.

Another thing I liked most about Tado was his dedication to making a difference in this world. He was an activities for so long and he didn't deny it. He even admitted once that he used to cover his face just to attend protests without being recognized. Later on, he decided to run for baranggay councilor position though I have no clue if he won.

The more important things though are his campaign for changes in the society. He took part in movements for the preservation of nature, of our culture, and the reinstatement of values among Filipinos. He supported protests against corruption and inhumane (sorry for the word but I mean this!) government norms that leads to sky-high lists of social problems. Just recently, he even spearheaded activities to help the victims of Typhoon Yolanda.

All in all, he was an instrument of change, and not all people would bravely step out in the open to do that.

I'm not saying Tado's perfect. He certainly wasn't. He had his own shares of controversies too, but I think his simplicity and humility prevailed more. And for that I am proud to call myself his fan.

Now that he's gone physically, his legacy will begin to high for sure. He had served as a good example to everyone, particularly to the youth; and that - I believe - is what totally matters. And I know that even when time passes by, he will never be forgotten.

Because there can only be one Tado. Definitely.

Lost Soul No More

2014-02-01T16:53:00.002+08:00

For quite a long time, I felt depressed. Though I have been working as a writer for almost four years already, and I had supported my family all throughout these years, it still frustrated me a lot that I really couldn't picture out what I wanted to do with my life. It bothered me so much that my future seemed so bleak. Because somehow, it felt like I don't have direction. I just take steps - most times, reckless - but I have no definite destination.

A college friend once told me that he experienced the same, and he managed to find out why. According to him, it's because we lacked in the dreaming department. When we were kids, we were always asked what we want to be when we grow up. Back in those days, we usually answer that we wanted to be a doctor, a teacher, a fashion model, an engineer, an architect, and in my case, a cashier. But as we grow old, we got focused on other things that we ended up forgetting what we were supposed to be.

Of course, choices vary and interests change. But I know some people who used to say that they're going to be doctors and they are indeed doctors now. So I think the 'forgetting' part just applies to some, and sadly, it does to me.

When I was still studying, all I wanted to do is to finish college and earn a degree and make my parents proud. but after I received my diploma, I didn't know what to do anymore/ Sure, we enjoyed the course; but the thing is, we were too immersed on the act of studying that we forgot that we were supposed to just study for something. I guess it's the pressure of school that made me forget what that 'something' actually is. That's why when I graduated, I couldn't remember it anymore. I took Communication Arts but obviously, my interest on it wasn't too strong to pursue.

From that, I realized how much I missed out on my life. Just when I thought I was working hard for a dream, it turned out that there was no dream to work hard for at all. Ridiculous, right? That's why for almost four years, I've been wandering around - aimless.

Good thing, I was awoken up to the truth that life requires constant dreaming. I have discovered my purpose and just recently, I've finally figured out a dream.

TO EXPLORE EVERY CORNER OF SOUTH KOREA.

It might be funny to some, but it has always been a childhood dream. Back in high school, I have been tagged as 'Maria Korea' because of my fascination towards the country and it continued 12 years after and will probably continue until the next few decades? What I'm trying to say is I don't think I will ever get to get over my love for this country and with that, I'm basing my dream.

It's not different from traveling the world. It's just that I'm limiting my scale into just one Asian country. And you know what? It felt like magic when I finally decided that yeah, this has to be the dream I will work for, because instantly I felt like I've found the path to take. It was like a divine intervention, but really, everything just finally became clear.

Now, I find it easier to do things; because while it's great to know my purpose, it's even better to know that I have a dream to fulfill too - something that involves me and my interests alone.

I guess that's a great driving force that people should understand. If your purposes in life consists your family and friends (like in my case), turn something that you've always enjoyed to do into a realistic dream, because that would push you to be more determined and motivated into becoming a better person.

Right now, I am more convinced that I should exert more effort in learning Korean. Furthermore, I am more determined to save up and start a business that would help me get there. I know that these decisions are not a joke, but I think it's gonna be easier knowing that now, I can see where I'm headed.

Bride for Rent: A Trip Back to Local Chick-Flick

2014-01-31T00:49:00.001+08:00

I can barely remember when the last time I paid for a movie ticket to watch a Tagalog movie. That is why when Charm told me we're watching Bride for Rent, I was admittedly kinda hesitant. But since she initiated and I thought it was a good chance to bond with her and Luwi, I ended up inside the dark cinema this evening, watching the film --

-- and loving every bit of it.

To be honest, I was never a fan of the Xian Lim-Kim Chiu tandem; but after witnessing their chemistry in the movie, I think they just earned my respect. In fairness to Kim, she has talent for comedy and I think I missed out on a lot when I refused to watch her previous films. And the god-damn-sexy Xian just had to be so, yeah, god-damn-sexy with his after-sex hair in some scenes. Though there are scenes he wasn't able to pull off well, I have to say he knows his humor so well. :)

The plot was kinda shallow though. I honestly didn't feel the weight of the climax because I don't think it was big enough to be the problem; but if you need just a good laugh, you know, a break from everything? I recommend this film. It's light. It's fun. It's filled with humor and a fair share of tears (or maybe I was just too emotional?hehe).

But yeah, let's not talk about technicalities. Let's talk about what the film made me feel.

Obvious in the title, this movie revolved around 'marriage'. At this age, will I be a hypocrite and not admit that I'm not thinking about it? Of course, it frequently visits my thoughts but I choose not to entertain it. I have no one to share the ideas with; so what's the use?

Somehow, it pushed me a little to the depressed side. You can call it envy, I guess. I may deny it a lot but I do feel jealous towards people who manage to find 'the one'. It was difficult but they won the battle and it is the best thing ever.

For a few times, the film insisted that when you find 'the one', you'll know immediately that he is 'the one'. How? No one can actually tell. You'll just feel it. You'll just know it.

I'm telling you a secret. They're telling the truth. I know because you know, I think I found the one already. It's just that he isn't looking at me. I even tried calling him, doing everything to catch his attention. But ALL to no avail.

And so I chose to walk away.

Because if that didn't mean I should give up , I don't know what it was supposed to be anymore.

A Piece of Korea in Bulacan

2014-01-13T16:44:00.002+08:00

(WARNING: This post is image heavy)

Desperate for a much-needed retreat and driven by an uncontrollable instinct, I headed one Sunday morning to the Shrine of St. Andrew Kim Taegon in Lolomboy, Bocaue. It was a sudden decision, which one can easily figure as heavily influenced by my strong fascination on South Korea and its culture.

Thanks to Alex and Jethro’s help, I managed to find my ways to the place easily. I had cramps though for walking too much, but I didn’t mind. When I got there, the gates were closed as it was lunch time. Fortunately, the guard allowed me to come in. According to one of them, I didn’t look like a bad person anyway.

I was welcomed by a pavilion made of marbles as I entered the shrine. In the middle stood the bronze (?) statue of St. Andrew Kim. Easily, I was hyped up. Seeing Korean characters written in signs and tablets made my heart flutter.

While I really am interested about the life of the Korean saint, I have to admit that my main purpose of going there was to see a piece of Korea in my province. Many friends have told me that the atmosphere there was definitely good and as I roam around on my own, I realize they’re telling the truth.

Behind the pavilion is a small chapel. Though I was a little hesitant at first, I entered the place and whispered a little prayer. The first I noticed was that the nuns left their religious stuff inside. There were Korean bibles in the pews and I was this (-) close to looking at one. There were coils too which we use to keep away from mosquitoes. And the other lane of pews was covered in dust. Maybe, there really aren't so many people coming there?

As I walked around, the wind blew and I felt so peaceful and serene. That moment, I found what I’ve been looking for: A NEW SANCTUARY. I was greeted by a bridge which has like a wavy pattern, which I noticed appeared often in other parts of the place. On the other end stood a 7-tiered pagoda which represents the seven holy sacraments.

At the other end of the bridge is another pagoda-like structure which is actually where the relic of St. Andrew Kim Taegon (elbow) is located. I managed to enter it, like how a typical Korean would (you know, shoes off and all), and I lit a candle too.

The churches were still under construction although the one dedicated to the Sacred Heart of Jesus was done already. There’s a little more finishing left to do though but it was good to go.

The point about the said church was that it made me feel like I’m not in the Philippines. 진짜. The stones were marble, the steps of the stairs were so elegant to step on, there were even pillars and columns which reminded me of the BCJ Garden in Gyeonggi.

The elegance of the church interior really astounded me. Gold and white are always my favorite combination, plus the Korean-styled roofs and boom! I'm in love.

From the church ground, I got to see a clean fishpond. In the middle of it, there’s a foundation in which certain construction was undergoing. Once finished, it'll be the St. Andrew Kim Taegon Church. :)

I managed to get around the area on my own when I saw a nun coming out from the convent. I tried calling her attention in English but she wouldn’t budge. It’s either she couldn’t hear me or couldn’t understand. In the end, I ended up saying 저기요 and then she looked up at me and smiled, perhaps glad and excited that someone was there.

Her name’s Sr. Joanna, a Korean nun who came from Seoul. She had been staying in the Philippines for more than a year now with other nuns and they’re running the shrine. She knows English although you’d have to be used to hearing Koreans speaking in English to understand her clearly. Hehe.

Sr. Joanna had been nothing but very, very accommodating and hospitable to me. Yes, she indeed volunteered to tour me around. Grateful for the assistance, my encounter with her clearly deserves a separate blog account.

All in all, the trip to the shrine was something I would cherish forever. It inspired me, to be honest, because walking around the place under the heat of the sun, I have thought of certain things that will perhaps be very helpful to my development as a person. I have realized that I deserve breaks because I’m still a person. I can get tired because I’m human, and no one should judge me for it.

It was a great experience, and as promised, I’m coming back there. Because if I couldn't go to South Korea yet, I'd be more than willing to work on my faith while enjoying a piece of it nearby.

A Writer's Thought at 6AM

2014-01-10T11:09:00.003+08:00

In life, we do a lot of things;

things which define who we are and what we are in this world.

A self-confessed Jack of All Trades,

there are so much I can do.

People are proud of me, but I couldn't feel proud of myself.

I am a jack of all trades, yes;

but I'm a master of none.

But among everything I'm capable of, I have to say there's one thing I would consider myself best at:

WRITING

Since I was in Grade 3, I have been fascinated with how pens inscribe ink on papers.

It's also magic to me how emotions turns to words.

I think it's my love for stories that drove me to this art,

or perhaps, it's the fact that no one bothers to listen to my voice ever since,

and writing became my escape.

Either way, this art has become my refuge, my relief.

It has undeniably become my sanctuary.

I think everybody really should have that one thing they're best at.

Because it gives them distinction.

It gives them that sense of pride, knowing that there's something they can do which not many can.

Writing is a good choice as not everyone can do it well.

But there are lots of other crafts to flourish in.

Find yours.

Letting Go of Five Year Worth of Memories

2014-01-08T15:59:00.002+08:00

I have a confession to make. If you asked me a few months ago if I have moved on, I would have answered ‘yes’, but that doesn’t mean I mean it. Five years of unrequited love, four of those were completely unknown to him, it wasn’t easy freeing myself from the cage of my emotions. Despite the fact that he would never see ‘us’ in a romantic light, I continued loving him until there was nothing left.

But if you are going to ask me now if I have moved on, I would answer ‘yes’ too. But this time, it’s going to be for real. Because after five long years of dedicating myself to this one person, there’s nothing more left.

Many friends find it difficult to believe. They insist that I still feel something and that I should continue, because they believe that ‘we’ could work it all out… that ‘we’ could happen.

I used to think of that too that’s why I lasted for five long years in this one-sided love affair. It wasn’t really the thought that all my waiting will bear good fruits someday. I was more focused on the idea that everything I have worked so hard for during all those years will go to waste if I give up. I have regretted regrets even before they happen.

And that was probably the worst thing I have done to myself.

But little by little, I have discovered that there is more to life than being in love. It occurred to me that I can never give something I don’t have – and that is love. I have realized that to be able to love more, I need to love myself too. The long forgotten 70-30 percent principle had resurfaced and the best part of it? I feel no regrets.

During those past five years, I have learned a lot of things. I have discovered who I really was, and what I really wanted to do. I have once again come across an opportunity to mature and gladly, I grabbed the chance. Because of that, my hesitations to let go and move on disappeared; and fortunately, I have realized that all efforts I have exerted during the past five years of my life with him weren’t exactly wasted. They all turned into lessons that turned me into the person I’ve always wanted to be – strong, determined and free.

Indeed, one often refuses to let go and move on not because he is still in love, but because he is overly attached with everything he had invested in the relationship, reciprocated or not. He keeps on expecting to receive something back after everything he did, and that is something we should never allow to happen. Love is meant to be reciprocated, but no one ever had the right to demand for love. It is, like respect, something to be earned rather than asked for.

Now, I’m okay; albeit the occasional annoyance brought by people who keep on bringing back the past. I have taken the first few steps to moving on, and I’m going to continue moving forward without any hesitation.

St. Peter Yu Daechol: A Brand New Inspiration

2014-01-06T16:56:00.001+08:00

In my life, there are only a few things I take seriously. Among my top favorites are my Catholic faith and my love for Korea. Its combination led me to my interest towards St. Andrew Kim Taegon whose parish is located in Lolomboy, Bocaue, Bulacan.

As I was researching about his life, I came across another saint who I must admit touched my heart immediately. His name is St. Peter Yu Daechol (성 유대철 베드로).

As shown by the picture, St. Peter Yu was only 13 years old when he was martyred. He was born on 1826 during the Joseon Dynasty. Back then, Confucianism was the predominant religion and Catholics were persecuted and tortured.

According to several articles in the internet, the young saint wasn't treated that well by his mother and two sisters because of their hatred towards Christianity. His father though, Augustine Yu Jin Gil was also a convert and was later on martyred for his faith. From this story, we could conclude that the young Yu got his strong faith from his father.

The campaign against Christianity was getting stronger and stronger. Being a mere 13 year old boy, St. Peter Yu Daechol turned himself to the authorities and confessed his faith. However, he did not renounce it. That's why he was tortured severely that he managed to tear some of his flesh and throw it to the judges with a smile.

St. Peter Yu Daechol was imprisoned after the torture. There, he encouraged other prisoners to believe in the Catholic faith. He met his death after he was strangled there on October 31, 1839. He was proclaimed as one of the Martyrs of Korea and was canonized as saint en masse by Pope John Paul II when he visited Korea on 1984. They are remembered every 20th of September.

I am yet to understand the whole story of St. Peter Yu Daechol that's why I am planning to visit the Korean nuns in Lolomboy soon. I am curious. I am hungry for information. And more than anything else, I am inspired.

Understanding the summary of his short but meaningful life, St. Peter Yu Daechol had quickly made me wonder what a 24-year-old grown up person like I am can do for the faith. His courage and determination to die as a Christian was definitely imposing.

I wish my faith's as strong as his.

St. Peter Yu Daechol, please guide us from heaven always.

images were taken from this blog

Of Being Next and Pandora's Box

2014-01-03T18:59:00.002+08:00

Tomorrow, another one of my close friends will be getting married to another friend of ours. Theirs is an exciting story proving that love indeed conquers all. After separating ways, destiny had acted upon their lives and when they fell in love the second time, it is for eternity. Hence, the ceremonies tomorrow.

The bride and the groom are both in my group of friends for how many years; and in our clique, almost half were already married. Once these two people tie the knot tomorrow, it's official that ALL members of our group who we expect to settle down are indeed settled down already.

And I bet, one question is set to be asked tomorrow: WHO'S NEXT?

Frankly speaking, I bet we all have to wait a little longer to find out who's getting married next. Let's exclude the boys waiting for Vatican III, there are three girls left in the group, myself included. Unless Ate Millie decides to break away from our two-member singles' group, I am quite confident to say that no one's tying the knot anytime soon.

One friend told me that she feels it's gonna be me next. I wonder what made her think about that. I don't even have a boyfriend, let alone a suitor to entertain.

For the whole year of 2013, I have disregarded the thought of marriage. I refused to believe in it, and a part of me still doesn't up to now. But seeing how excited my friends are to exchange their 'I Do's' tomorrow, I feel this tiny bit of envy deep inside me. While I don't entertain the possibility since I don't want to expect, I can't help but wonder how it would feel to be in their position.

I don't know what's happening. Is it the trend to feel depressed if you're single for 2014? A lot of people on Facebook and Twitter tend to do that recently, I notice. Even in the KPOP industry, dating confirmations are being thrown to the public like a cent per piece.

I understand that I'm not beautiful and I'm not that person one can proudly present to the world as his partner. As they would always point out, I have a very repulsive personality. Easy to say, I am a living Pandora's box.

And it's sad to know that I have long forgotten how it feels to be wanted. Because no one wanted to try.

It's quite sad but it's okay. I don't want to change myself anymore for anyone anyway. For many years, I have mastered the art of turning all the bad vibes into positive ones, and disregarding the reality that would just hurt me big time. That talent would be put to great use this year again, I bet.

I'm blabbering so much. I think I just need to sleep. :)

Welcome 2014!

2014-01-01T00:00:00.000+08:00

Just a few days ago, I was thinking if I should still come up with my list of New Year's resolutions. As I look back at the past years, I realized that I couldn't keep them anyway; so I thought that it's rather useless. However, I realized that it lessens the fun. Really. Having no New Year's resolution - whether it will be kept or not - is like having nothing to look forward to. Boring.

But I don't want to stress myself in being specific. At the moment, there's only one thing I want to be for the whole year of 2014: HAPPY.

Yes, I just want to be happy; because if I am, everything else will spring out from there. If I become happy, I will have the motivation to think of whatever I want to have or happen, and it will be easy - simply because I can.

Now how will I be happy? By putting myself on top of my priorities. For the whole 2013, I failed to give attention to myself because I thought that I find joy solely in the happiness of others. I have completely forgotten that I can never share something that I don't completely have.

I have learned how to make others happy in the past year. Now it's time to learn how to make myself feel appreciated.

Goodbye 2014

2013-12-31T09:46:00.003+08:00

As I usually say, 2013 was one hell of a rollercoaster. During the first half, we were so down because of the death of my grandmother but it eventually turned better as the year progresses. While there were lots of sadness and endings, there were also lots of joy and new beginnings. All in all, 2013 was a good year. I'm grateful for it.

There were many lessons I've learned in the past year which I think became the turning points in my life as a person. I've learned the importance of keeping family and friends close, as well as the truth that there are some bridges we need to burn in order for us to be better. I was pressed with the fact that some things are inevitable and all that is left is for us to enjoy every moment.

As the year 2013 ends, I just want to say 'thank you' to people who had been there and who I know will always be there. Thank you for making my life a lot worthwhile. Thank you for making me realize that the least thing I want is to grow old alone. Thank you for making my life a lot more exciting.

Also, I want to apologize to people I've hurt along the way. I'm not perfect, and neither are you guys. I just want you to know that whatever I did, I deeply regret. Whether I am forgiven or not, I just want to express my apologies.

There were lots of lessons taught in the past year, which I will happily bring to 2014. There's a few hours left before we leave the current year behind and I am fairly excited. There are lots of things I am looking forward to, after all. Let's see if I can make them all come true.

♥

Another Christmas Well-Spent

2013-12-26T09:52:00.001+08:00

When Yolanda happened, I promised myself that I would lessen my Christmas shopping. I wanted to partake in their sufferings, after all. Little did I know that the 'less' would actually turn to 'nothing at all'. Work and other responsibilities caught me off guard, not to mention that I was suddenly tight on budget, that I wasn't able to find time for my own personal interests.

I realized this yesterday on Christmas Day. I was staring at my closet, wondering what exactly to wear. There are lots in my closet and I just couldn't decide. A little, I felt incomplete. I've grown up used to having something brand new for this day.

It was uncomfortable; but looking at the brighter side, it was fulfilling.

It's no longer just because I have stayed true to my words about Yolanda. It's the more important fact that I have proven myself that Christmas doesn't equate to spending money on new clothes, gifts and other stuffs. It's not about having different sets of meals sprawled on the dining table. It's not even how much 'aginaldo' you receive from people/

Christmas is about simplicity. Christ, the King, was born on a manger in the city of Bethlehem. He was born in the company of donkeys and sheep. There were no royal announcements about His birth. People didn't even know their King had been born then already.

If Jesus was born on simplicity, why are we spending His birthday in luxury?

I had a great lunch at a friend's house with our other friends. Family came to our house afterwards and we took pictures of the kids. Friends came over in the evening and we had a really, really great time.

I was given the privilege to celebrate this season in the best way possible.

What a wonderful way to end this year. ♥

All Assholes to the Left

2013-12-15T09:34:00.000+08:00

Ryan Jhun wins.

All the cheating faggots lose.

Nanay's Dream

2013-12-14T09:25:00.002+08:00

If you're gonna ask the elders of Meycauayan about who 'Pugo' is, chances are you're gonna be told about the Defuntorum Family. Though quite far from the moniker they were known for, the clan was known for their baking skills as they own one of the most famous bakeries in Meycauayan before.

Proudly speaking, my late grandmother is a second generation Defuntorum (making me part of the fourth). Even as she stayed in Australia for more than two decades, she had depended on baking to live; so when she got home here, she had always wanted to buy an oven.

But instances happened when we were supposed to buy it last year and she passed away. It was a regret so Mom and I refused to just let go of that dream. That's why when the opportunity had presented itself, we grabbed it and here goes what happened:

I see this as a start, to be honest. I'll learn to bake not just to earn more money for the family. I want to learn to bake to prove people that the legacy of Pugo still lives on. :)

Thank you, Nanay. Please continue guiding us from heaven. I promise I'll make better use of this!

TIME's Person of the Year 2013: Pope Francis

2013-12-11T23:14:00.001+08:00

I remember jumping off the bed at the dawn of March 13th; though I clearly couldn't remember what woke me up at 4:30AM that day. I rushed downstairs to turn on the television after seeing tweets having a new pope to take over the position vacated by now Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI.

The first thing I saw on my screen was the crowd in St. Peter's Basilica - all obviously cheering as white smoke was emitted out of the chimney of the Sistine Chapel. I knew it was a replay of what transpired hours prior. Then, the scene shifted to the famous balcony where a man wearing white stood before the vast sea of Catholics - the pope.

It instantly amazed me how he didn't wear the usual red attire of popes. I've always considered it the symbol of the highest priests so it kind of struck me that the elected pontifex wasn't wearing the traditional clothes.

But as I knew of the name he chose, I immediately understood.

Pope Francis

I am not joking. I was really moved to tears upon realizing that he got the name from St. Francis of Assisi, the saint closest to my heart since I serve in his parish here in Meycauayan. But what definitely struck me most was the fact that the new Holy Father had the saint's virtues reflected on him on his first day in the position...

And it continued until TIME declared him as their Person of the Year 2013...

and I know it will continue further...

The Catholic Church was clearly in the verge of division but as a Catholic myself, I feel the revolution which Pope Francis had been initiating since the very beginning. With his every decision and statement about sensitive things this faith normally would have frowned upon, I feel prouder that I am a member of this faith.

What makes him entirely special is that he embraced the things tradition would have condemned. He based his leadership according to what this generation needs. To me, it wasn't actually being liberated. It was being one with the people today in understanding and discovering what the Church actually needs to know. Life in this world is constantly changing and Pope Francis opened his ears, his ears, and his heart to see, listen and feel like the world. He humbled himself and became one with us.

But as he mingled with ordinary people, he exerts effort to encompass the religious teachings in his daily activities. Remember when he asked everyone to pray for him as soon as he was elected pope? Remember when there was a child who went to the stage while he was delivering a speech in front of a crowd? Remember when he kissed the sick man despite how he looks like? All those were humility - a major virtue which we all should learn.

I haven't read TIME's article about the pope and why the chose him; but I am very certain that he was put under the spotlight because he deserved it. If there's anyone who's the epitome of change in our society today, it would be him.

I'm not saying the past popes I know weren't like him. It's just that this is Pope Francis' way in showing what the Catholic Way is. And once again, I tear. Can I be any prouder?

Face Your Fears

2013-12-10T15:35:00.002+08:00

Face your fears, it implied.

And I think it's about time that we all do.

Soulmates

2013-12-08T07:14:00.001+08:00

To me, there is no clear definition for the word 'soul mates'; but it has been explained to me that finding your soul mate is like finding your other person - the one that doesn't actually complete you, but the one who manages to show you a mirror reflection of yourself.

I do believe in destiny but I'm not sure about the idea of 'soul mates'. I am yet to find one who is just like me because I've always considered myself to be... you know... different.

But reading this article, I guess the idea exist.

And it's so amazing it does.

And then, a pool of jealousy brewed inside me,

and then I began wishing...

I hope I get to find my own.

Take a Stand

2013-12-06T11:35:00.000+08:00

I used to be that person who just goes with the flow. No real decisions. No definite principles. Incapable of handling my own life. I used to depend on others on what I should believe in, and what I should take as true.

Until I realized that it was the worst way of living.

Taking a stand on something is something inevitable for us to be better people. We need to find a permanent place to put ourselves into - that no matter where life heads us, we'll come back there. Like it's home. We have to find that one holding factor that would take us back to whatever we are supposed to be in order for us to have that sense of individuality.

We need to take a stand to be someone.

If we have that something we believe in, we have something to protect.

And then we find a purpose to live.

Maybe

2013-12-03T13:39:00.005+08:00

Maybe Marilyn Monroe was right.

Maybe Celine Dion was right.

Maybe Yuxing unnie too.

Maybe love doesn't really come to those who wait.

Instead, it comes to those who believe it.

Maybe.

All Out

2013-12-02T08:31:00.002+08:00

It's December and it's the last month of the year. And I have decided that I'm going all out. The last month will be like the test whether I've learned anything this year.

And proudly, there is a lot.

2013 has been a serious rollercoaster ride. I've dealt with new beginnings and endings, deaths and new lives. It is a year where major changes manifested and it had brought me to extremes. But you know what the best thing is? I have found myself capable of being the person I've always wanted to be. Sure, there are some more things to work out on but I'm glad to know that I'm way past the first phase of construction. I have improved.

December means Christmas and Christmas means honesty and generosity. So this month, I am giving back to people I owe most to: my family and friends. They deserve it after all.

As for the literal 'all out' idea, it has something to do with doing something for others. During this month, I expect myself to put my A+ character on everything. No room for mistakes. Go for the best. Squeeze my mind for the most creative ideas.

Geez. Just thinking about it makes me excited. ♥

Happy December, everyone!