Rants from the Ivory Madonna

Defeating al-Queda in Pakistan

noreply@blogger.com (Meerkatdon) — Sat, 04 Sep 2010 16:57:00 +0000

IF the US really wanted to fight al-Queda and the Taliban in Pakistan, we would be pumping massive amounts of foreign aid into flood-stricken areas of that country. We'd be feeding and housing people, rebuilding their homes and schools and hospitals (and, yes, mosques), raising dams, bringing electricity and data service to every village. When US workers finished up and departed (in less than a year), the people's infrastructure wouldn't just be restored...it would be improved. They would be better off, materially and spiritually, than they were before the floods.

(And not incidentally, we would supply jobs for many out-of-work infrastructure people in the United States.)

Look at the friends the US made in England and France during World War II. Look at the friends we made throughout Western Europe as a result of the Marshall Plan. The Taliban and al-Queda are popular because they feed and shelter and care for people -- so let's feed, shelter, and care for them better.

The Ivory Madonna has said it before and she will say it again: Envision a world in which anyone, anywhere, could go to a United States Embassy and get a good, nutritious meal for free. That would be a world in which the United States was much more secure.

Instead, we spend trillions...thousands of billions...on armaments and soldiers and logistical/infrastructure support for our troops in support of goals that no one can articulate, in a world in which our nation is less secure now than it was a decade ago.

-M

The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers. Like the blog? Send the author a donation. Subscribe in a reader

A Repeal That Doesn't

noreply@blogger.com (Meerkatdon) — Tue, 25 May 2010 18:17:00 +0000

Comes news of "a new White House-backed plan for a vote in Congress to immediately repeal the law that bans gays from serving openly in the military."

Good news? Wait.

"In a compromise worked out Monday between the White House and some Democrats, the Defense Department's personnel policies wouldn't have to change until the president, defense secretary and chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff agree that the military was ready."

So Congress can vote to repeal DADT. Immediately. And the Democrats can take credit for repealing it. Immediately. Democratic candidates can lean on the LGBT community for those all-important campaign contributions, those all-important volunteers, and did I mention the cash? And the best thing about it...DADT will remain in full force until "the military is ready."

Isn't it delicious? Isn't it Karl-Rovian doublespeak? All the benefit of a repeal, without actually repealing anything. Once again, take full advantage of the stupid, stupid gays while simultaneously getting the pleasure of continuing to kick them in the face.

Let me say it right now: Any lesbian, gay man, bisexual, or transgender person who falls for this and contributes money to any Democrat is an idiot.

Here's what my creator, Don Sakers, wrote to Mr. Obama:

Mr. President, I have supported you faithfully on most issues, but I can no longer remain silent on your disrespect toward the LGBT community. Your latest proposal, to have Congress vote on a repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell that wouldn't take effect until the military is "ready", is insulting. Imagine if President Johnson had urged Congress to pass the Civil Rights Act, but promised not to implement it until Alabama was "ready."

You are trying to claim credit for a repeal without actually delivering a repeal. The LGBT community is not as stupid as you think; we will not fall for that trick.

A repeal that does everything except repeal? I expected such doublespeak from the Bush administration. I am saddened to hear it from the Obama administration.

-M

The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers. Like the blog? Send the author a donation. Subscribe in a reader

Lifeboat Rules?

noreply@blogger.com (Meerkatdon) — Sun, 02 May 2010 23:33:00 +0000

The Ivory Madonna believes in trying to understand her opponents. It's always tempting to dismiss those who don't agree with her as ignorant idiots at best, or evil sociopaths at worst. But neither leads to useful discussion or rational solutions, so she'd rather assume that her opponents have soi-disant "reasons" for their actions.

Which brings us to the recent Arizona immigrant law.

This law is a clear expression of the larger sentiment behind it: that immigrants are not welcome. That they consume resources belonging to native-born citizens. That they should not be allowed to partake in the bounty that the rest of us enjoy. In effect, it's a sentiment that says, "Hey, buddy, I've got mine, the hell with you."

This same sentiment is applied to the rest of the underclass: the poor, the unlucky, those without good jobs or medical insurance or influential friends & family.

How can we understand this? In what kind of world is this sentiment right and moral?

Actually, there is such a world. It's called Lifeboat Rules.

In matters of life and death, when there are only enough resources to keep a small, finite number alive...then it is right and moral to keep others out. If you let everyone swarm aboard the lifeboat, it will be swamped and all will die.

The Ivory Madonna believes that this is the key to understanding those who say "I've got mine, to hell with you." They feel that we are in a lifeboat: that there isn't enough to go around, that if we let more people aboard, we will all perish.

Now, the Ivory Madonna disagrees: she thinks that our country is wealthy enough -- in riches, in ability, in ingenuity, and in compassion -- to share the benefits of our society with all who come here to live. She feels that welcoming immigrants has served us very well in the past, and there's no reason to stop.

However, the important thing is that by shifting the discussion to whether or not lifeboat rules apply, we've changed the nature of the dialogue. And maybe we'll start talking rationally to one another.

The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers. Like the blog? Send the author a donation. Subscribe in a reader

The Hidden Agenda to Abolish Divorce

noreply@blogger.com (Meerkatdon) — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 21:03:00 +0000

Some people want you to believe that marriage is a matter for religion, not government. But be careful: these people have a hidden agenda, and the Ivory Madonna has discovered what it is.

If marriage belongs to religion, then so must divorce. Doesn't this follow as the night the day? If a couple can only be married by their religious official (priest, minister, rabbi, etc.) -- then obviously they can only be divorced by the same official.

The shrill people who shout that marriage is a religious ceremony -- including the Catholic Church and the Mormons -- maintain that they are trying to prevent gay marriage. But obviously, they're after bigger game. In short, they want to abolish divorce as well.

Straight people, think about this. Do you really want to go to your church to get permission to divorce? Do you honestly think that you will have much of a chance asking the Pope for a divorce?

After all, these same people keep shouting that it's vital for children to be raised by two opposite-sex parents. If you grant them that argument, how can you object if they force couples to remain together against their will...for the good of the children, of course?

Make no mistake, that's what they're after: a complete change in the way marriage and divorce operate in the United States.

Under current law, you go to a judge to get a divorce, not a priest. Marriage and divorce are matters of civil law, not the property of religion. Let's keep it that way.

M.

The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.
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The Great Thing About Terrorism

noreply@blogger.com (Meerkatdon) — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 14:35:00 +0000

The great thing about terrorism is that you don't have to be effective to be successful.

Look at Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the bumbling idiot who made a complete mess of blowing up Northwest Airlines Flight 253. The plane landed safely and undamaged; the passengers and crew were all alive and unhurt; in fact, the only person Umar managed to injure was himself. And even then, he couldn't even successfully kill himself. A suicide bomber who doesn't bomb anything and doesn't even commit suicide is, by definition, a failed suicide bomber.

Oh, but look at the reaction: Fear, alarm, panic in the streets. Weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth. Demands that something be done. More inconvenience, more delays, more economic dislocation. Headlines everywhere about the need to do more to protect us from terrorists. The Ivory Madonna, who makes it a policy never to watch TV news, can only imagine the fearmongering histrionics that are filling the nation's airwaves and cables. In short, we have allowed ourselves to succumb to terror.

Umar must be thrilled.

Sure, he's a failure as a suicide bomber. But boy, is he a success as a terrorist!

People, what are you all afraid of?

Nobody got hurt (except Umar). Nothing got bombed. For Percy's sake, the plane even landed on time.

Oh, but next time....

Next time you could die in a car accident on the way to the airport. Next time you could get struck by lightning. Next time the plane's engines could fail, or it could crash on takeoff or landing.

All of those threats are much more likely than dying in a terrorist attack. Yet you manage to live with them without succumbing to terror.

The goal of terrorism is not to kill people. The goal of terrorism is to cause terror. And they can only be successful if we let terror spread.

Stop being an accomplice to terrorism. Stop spreading terror. Turn off the tv, don't read the fearmongers. Use your intelligence. Grow up and start acting like an adult. Get a grip on yourself.

Stop being afraid.

M.

The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.
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Fort Hood & Extremism

noreply@blogger.com (Meerkatdon) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 18:37:00 +0000

Everyone wants to link the Fort Hood attack to Islam. It seems to the Ivory Madonna that Islam is a red herring here. The Fort Hood attack had nothing to do with Islam per se. But it seems to have had everything to do with faith-based extremism.

Kill and wound two dozen military personnel because your personal faith tells you to. Shoot doctors because you believe (on faith) that your god told you to. Fly planes into buildings because you have faith that you're doing the right thing. Blow up a Federal building because you believe (on faith) that the government is evil.

Make death threats toward your opponents because you have faith that you're right and they are wrong. Rant and rave and scream and call people names, because you believe (on faith) that you and your opinions are superior. Vote to deny people human rights, execute innocents, go to war and bomb civilians...because of your faith.

Reason, people! Rationality. Eschew belief, question faith, look for evidence and use logic. That way, if you go on a rampage and kill people, at least you'll be able to credibly defend yourself in a court of law.

M.

The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.
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Hate Crimes

noreply@blogger.com (Meerkatdon) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 20:39:00 +0000

Will the new hate crimes bill open the door for prosecuting religious ministers who preach that homosexuality is a sin? Will it allow transvestite teenagers to claim hate crimes when they aren't invited to a classmate's birthday party? Will it mean that you're committing a hate crime if you observe to a friend that the guy panhandling in his wheelchair smells like a big pile of unwashed socks?

People, please read the English language. In order for an action to be considered a "hate crime," it must first and foremost be a crime.

Preaching against sin (be it homosexuality, extramarital sex, hypocrisy, or bowling) is not a crime.

Not inviting someone to a private birthday party is not a crime.

Observing that someone smells like socks is not a crime.

That being said, the whole concept of "hate crimes" makes the Ivory Madonna more than a little uneasy. How do we know that a crime is a hate crime? Short of telepathically investigating a person's mind to determine their inner motives (a trick which few of you have mastered but, I assure you, the Ivory Madonna learned long ago), the only way is to examine what went along with the crime. Trouble is, too often those factors involve things that qualify under the First Amendment as "speech': Verbal speech, nonverbal behavior, signs, printed or written text, etc.

Yes, some types of speech are not protected. Among them are speech that directly incites violence. But it's a mighty thin line between speech that promotes violence, and speech that accompanies violence.

None of this means that the Ivory Madonna thinks the bastards who crucified Matthew Shepard shouldn't pay extra hard for their crime. But laws giving extra punishment for particularly heinous crimes are a different matter from laws giving extra punishment for hate crimes.

The Ivory Madonna guesses that what's she's saying is this: suppose the murderes of a future Matthew Shepard were mute, and never gave any indication of their motives -- shouldn't their crime be punished just as harshly as any hate crime?

But do you hear the religious nuts arguing for the abolishment of the class of "hate crimes"? No, of course not. Because they themselves are the beneficiaries of that class. Religion has been a protected class under hate crime laws for a long time.

The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.
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...Then They Came for the Interracial Couples...

noreply@blogger.com (Meerkatdon) — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 21:40:00 +0000

From Yahoo News: Interracial Couple Denied Marriage License in Louisiana

"First they denied marriage to gay couples, and I didn't speak up because being gay is an abomination before the Lord. Then they denied marriage to illegal immigrants, and I didn't speak up because we don't want their kind in our country. Then they denied marriage to interracial couples, and I didn't speak up because I was concerned about the children of such unions. Then they denied marriage to non-Christian couples, and I didn't speak up because marriage is a Christian sacrament. By the time they told my son he was not allowed to marry his girlfriend, there was no one left to speak up..."

You may think you're safe, as you help the haters enforce their hate on those you don't like anyway. But don't get too complacent. When haters finish with one target, they move on to the next. Sooner or later, one way or another, you're next.

None of us is safe until all of us are safe.

M

The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.
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The Nobel Peace Prize

noreply@blogger.com (Meerkatdon) — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 16:37:00 +0000

President Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize, and the United States is in an uproar. It seems like most people -- including many of Obama's supporters -- think the award was undeserved, or at least premature.

Two questions.

#1: Are prospects for world peace significantly improved with Obama in office? The answer would have to be yes. Considering that the previous President followed a policy of unilateral preemptive war (and actually launched two of those wars) and challenged the world with "If you're not with us, you're against us," the Ivory Madonna would say that prospects for world peace are definitely better.

On that criterion -- and you must admit, it's the most applicable to the Nobel Peace Prize -- Obama deserved the prize as soon as he took office.

#2: But what did Obama do? Let's see. He spent two or more years running for President. Against tremendous obstacles (the genius of Karl Rove, the power of the vast right-wing conspiracy, the perennial incompetence and death-wish of the Democratic Party) he inspired enough voters to win. That took tremendous effort and talent.

Obama worked hard to achieve election, and because of his hard work the prospects for world peace have improved. Exactly how does he not deserve a prize awarded for hard work that leads to improved prospect for world peace?

M

The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.
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Response to Rep. Alan Grayson (D, FL)

noreply@blogger.com (Meerkatdon) — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 21:54:00 +0000

Representative Grayson, as a lifelong Democrat I am very disappointed in the tone of your remarks about the Republicans wanting sick people to die quickly.

I understand your point, and I know that it is tempting to respond to the Republicans' angry, irrational attacks in kind. But believe me, you do our cause no good when you yield to that temptation.

On your website you make your point very reasonably: that the result of Republican obstructionism is the premature deaths of thousands of Americans. It's something else entirely to say that they WANT people to die early. Such inflammatory rhetoric only ensures that people listening, even reasonable people, will not hear your message: they will hear the tone, and close their minds to the meaning.

You are a member of the House of Representatives, a proud position that is worthy of respect. Please treat your office and the offices of your colleagues with the respect they deserve.

The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.
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Iran

noreply@blogger.com (Meerkatdon) — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 18:34:00 +0000

Everyone is getting upset about Iran having nuclear weapons. Weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth. Oh no, we must stop them from acquiring weapons!

In reality, there is no way that the world can stop Iran from getting nuclear weapons...not in the long run. And that shouldn't matter.

It isn't like we haven't been here before. Remember something called the Soviet Union? There was no way we could prevent them from getting nuclear weapons. We didn't even have the possibility of U.N. sanctions, and the United States had zero economic or political power over the U.S.S.R.

No one could stop the U.S.S.R. from getting nuclear weapons. But we could stop them from using those weapons. In fact, we did stop them. Mutually Assured Destruction was not the best plan...it was at best a "muddle through" strategy...but it worked.

Sure, there were those who argued (as they do about Iran today) that the Soviets were irrational, ideology-driven madmen who would not hesitate to destroy the world if it meant defeating the United States. That Khrushchev/Brezhnev/Androvpov/Chernenko was an insanely evil leader who wanted the destruction of America and all it stood for. That the Soviet people believed in Communism with near-religious zeal and could not be reasoned with.

I tell you three times: The people who made these claims were wrong. As it turned out, all we had to do was keep the Soviet Union from using their nuclear weapons long enough, and their totalitarian state fell apart.

Similarly, it's almost certain that the people who make the same claims about Iran/Ahmadinejad are wrong. And we are letting them stampede us into exactly the same mistakes that they encouraged us to make during the Cold War.

-M

The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.
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Response toRep. Joe Wilson (R, SC)

noreply@blogger.com (Meerkatdon) — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 16:55:00 +0000

Mr. Wilson, I am dismayed and embarrassed by your disrespectful outburst towards the President of the United States. Sir, this country is at war and Mr. Obama is our Commander in Chief. He is also the duly-elected President of the United States.

What a sad example you set for the children of your district and of the country. No respect for authority, no sense of decorum, no attempt at rational discussion: if you disagree with someone, no matter who they are, simply shout at them.

You are a member of the House of Representatives, a proud position that is worthy of respect. If you cannot treat your office with the respect it deserves (and you have demonstrated that you have no respect for any office), I suggest that you do the honest thing and resign that office immediately.

----------

If you wish to write your own response to Mr. Wilson, here is a link: http://www.house.gov/formwilson/IMA/issue.htm

The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.
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The Uproar Next Week

noreply@blogger.com (Meerkatdon) — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 20:06:00 +0000

You think the uproar over President Obama's speech to schoolchildren was extreme? Just wait until next week.

The Ivory Madonna has learned that at noon on Monday, September 14, 2009, the White House intends to issue a statement that it is daytime.

Can't you just see Fox News and all the other conservative nutjobs frothing at the mouth?

The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.
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Why Do Republicans Hate Our Troops?

noreply@blogger.com (Meerkatdon) — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 14:34:00 +0000

The Republicans tell us that government health care is an awful thing. The first quote to show up on a Google search, which is fairly typical, comes from Rep. Michele Bachmann (R, Minnesota) and warns that a government takeover of health care will "let government bureaucrats make decisions that should be made by families and their doctors."

Horrible. A disaster. Certainly a fate that no one would wish on even a bitter enemy.

Then why do the Republicans impose this horrible fate on our troops?

Could it be that the Republicans hate our troops so much?

Or could it be that Bachmann and her comrades are being disingenuous? ("Being disingenuous" is faceless-bureaucrat-speak for "lying.") Maybe government health care isn't the bad thing they make it out to be.

Our noble troops don't seem to be too upset about this government intrusion into private health care decisions. They don't seem to mind that faceless bureaucrats make decisions that should be between them and their doctors.

In fact, if you ask active-duty and retired service members and their families, you'll find out that very few of them want to give up their government-run health care. Very few of them mind this horrible system that Congress has imposed upon them.

So there it is. Either the Republicans don't believe what they say (and are cynically lying for their own purposes), or they do believe what they say and they just hate our troops.

Which one is it, Representative Bachmann?

M.

The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.
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Let the People Decide

noreply@blogger.com (Meerkatdon) — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 19:52:00 +0000

Some unelected judges have abused their power and decided to create a "constitutional right" for a privileged minority group that does not deserve it. On a matter this important, the people should be allowed to decide...the government should not impose its will upon people.

This is a DEMOCRACY, damn it, and that means we take a vote on important issues, and the majority rules. Neither activist judges nor corrupt politicians should have the final say; only the PEOPLE have to power to decide huge issues like this.

If this ruling is allowed to stand, it is only the opening wedge that will take us down a slippery slope. All sorts of "rights" will be granted to all kinds of fringe groups. And soon, our entire society will be doomed.

It's not like anyone is born that way...these people make a deliberate choice to engage in their lifestyle, no matter what the harm to society.

Write your legislators! Demand that the people be given a vote!! Don't let the activist judges and corrupt politicians get away with this expansion of so-called "rights."

Mormons are not a true religion. They have no "right" to receive the special tax breaks and freedom from discrimination laws that REAL religions enjoy. They can't be allowed to hide behind the First Amendment.

I urge everyone to take to the streets and demand that we be given the opportunity to vote on this!

-M

The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.
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You and MRE Against the World

noreply@blogger.com (Meerkatdon) — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 21:16:00 +0000

Yesterday the Ivory Madonna had a vision: a simple vision with the power to change the way the rest of the world views the United States. Here it is:

Suppose that anyone, in any country in the world, could walk up to the American Embassy and get a free meal.

It needn't be a great meal: just enough to keep body and soul together. The Ivory Madonna's friend George Meade immediately thought of military MREs, which are a good model.

What are the benefits of this notion? Well, as a means of foreign aid, it's hard to beat. First, it would genuinely help the poor and the hungry of the world. Second, any money that's spent in the target countries would directly contribute to their economies, rather than winding up in the Swiss bank accounts of greedy politicians. Third, it would undoubtedly lead to more jobs for U.S. citizens as support staff, either at home or abroad. Finally, it would generate good will for the United States, and be a great counter to some of the bad will and even hatred that's out there.

Wouldn't this cost U.S. taxpayers a ton of money? Well, how much do spend on waste and corruption in foreign aid now? How much do we spend dealing with the consequences of anti-U.S. feeling? How much do we (still) spend on every day's fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan?

Wouldn't a plan like this be a logistical nightmare? What about crowds, shortages, rioting? What do we do when one villager walks 25 miles to the U.S. Embassy and then asks for meals to take home to all 17 people in her family? Good questions...but somehow, the Ivory Madonna is confident that they won't be much of a challenge to a nation that can reliably ship 37 different brands of sugared cereal containing Star Trek toys to every Wal-Mart and Target store in the country.

Can there possibly be enough food for everyone? Won't billions make their way to the U.S. Embassy to sponge off Uncle Sam? Remember, we're not offering filet mignon here...the meals we're giving away are enough to keep one from starvation. And they'll taste about as good as you would imagine mass-produced prepackaged meals would. We're talking refugee-camp rations here. Anyone who has another source of food will most likely not show up at our embassy gate.

What about the governments of other nations, particularly unfriendly ones? Will they resist having poor, tired, huddled masses surging into their capital cities to get free U.S. meals? Will they blockade their cities to keep the riffraff out? Maybe...but the Ivory Madonna would say that's their problem more than ours.

Isn't it immoral to just give people food? Isn't it socialist? Don't we want them to develop a work ethic? Ah, but you lost that argument the first time we started handing out free rice to relieve famine. The immorality of giving free food to starving people is surely much less than the immorality of letting them starve.

The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.
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A Christian Terrorist By Any Other Name

noreply@blogger.com (Meerkatdon) — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 17:16:00 +0000

So this guy shot and killed a doctor in a Kansas Lutheran Church. And how do the media refer to the suspect? "Mas suspected of fatally shooting..." "Suspect." "Gunman."

Let's call a spade a spade. This man is a suspected Christian terrorist, a fanatic with ties to Christian terrorist groups.

Sheesh. If he were a Muslim, he'd be called a terrorist. But since he's Christian, he's simply a "gunman."

I'm just sayin'....

-M

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Greed

noreply@blogger.com (Meerkatdon) — Wed, 13 May 2009 20:29:00 +0000

The Ivory Madonna was just reading a blog where the author quoted the old saw about money being the root of all evil.

The interesting bit is the comments, where various people sprang to the defense of money. The quote is incomplete, says one: it should say "love of money is the root of all evil." Another points out that it's not money that's the problem, it's greed.

The good thing about "greed" being the problem, especially if you're rich, is this: "greed" only exists in the third person. "Greed" is something that one sees in other people. No one ever acknowledges being greedy themselves.

How very convenient. It's easy to be against a sin that is only practiced by other people. One need never change one's own behavior; one can luxuriate in pointing out the sin of others.

Incidentally, the same source that calls love of money the root of all evil, also says that it is much more likely that a camel pass through the eye of a needle, than that a rich person enter the kingdom of heaven. If the Ivory Madonna believed in all that, and wanted to make sure she got into heaven, she would be frantically divesting herself of all that money, whether or not it's the root of evil.

(And yes, the Ivory Madonna knows all about the claim that "the eye of a needle" was a gate into Jerusalem, and camels had to get down on their knees to go through it...yeah, that's all nonsense. An example of how far rich Christians will go to justify their own hypocrisy.)

M

Incidentally

The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.
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The Other 9/11

noreply@blogger.com (Meerkatdon) — Tue, 12 May 2009 00:16:00 +0000

Oh dear. What is popular culture going to do in a little more than two years, when "9/11" can suddenly refer to September 2011 as well as September 11, 2001?

With any luck, various heads will asplode.

M

The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.
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The Ticking Time Bomb

noreply@blogger.com (Meerkatdon) — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 16:42:00 +0000

Imagine this scenario:

We learn that terrorists have placed suitcase nuclear bombs in five U.S. cities. The bombs are set to go off at noon tomorrow.

Our stalwart intelligence agents have apprehended one of the terrorist masterminds. There's no time for namby-pamby, conventional interrogation: the only solution is enchanced interrogation methods. The more enhanced, the better. This is no time to worry about questions of morality, ethics, or law: tens of millions of lives are on the line.

So the torture begins. By ten p.m., our experts have wormed out some valuable leads from the terorrist mastermind: city names and locations. Hospitals in Manhattan, Washington DC, Los Angeles, Seattle, and Houston.

Law enforcement, the military, and civilians are mobilized to search every hospital in those five cities. It's a big job, but think of the lives that will be saved! Meantime, the torture continues, as experts try to get more details.

Around dawn, the experts have extracted another important bit of information: the terrorist plan was to hide bombs in the trunks of cars, either in parking garages or parking lots near the target hospitals. Under martial law, every car within half a mile of a hospital in those five cities is stripped.

As of 11:59 am, no bombs have been found. Investigators have increased the search radius to a full mile around each hospital.

At noon, the nuclear bombs go off, utterly destroying Des Moines, San Francisco, Atlanta, San Antonio, and Orlando. Later investigation determines that the bombs were in suitcases placed in storage lockers at YMCA buildings.

That's right. When the head terrorist was tortured, he lied.

What...you thought he was stupid enough to tell the truth?

How stupid are you?

-M

The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.
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Fixing AIG

noreply@blogger.com (Meerkatdon) — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 01:24:00 +0000

AIG management has shown contempt for the American people by accepting multi-million-dollar bonuses.

It's time to cut AIG off...immediately. Freeze any bailout money that's in the pipeline. No future taxpayer bailouts. If the company goes under, tough toenails. Trying to save AIG would obviously be throwing good money after bad.

But what about all the AIG employees who will suffer?

Simple. Give every low-level AIG employee one million dollars, tax-free. (Managers get nothing...they can live on their bonuses.) AIG has what, fifty thousand employees? A hundred thousand? That's $50 billion or $100 billion. Chump change, compared to what we've already poured down this rat hole.

Think of the message this would send to other companies receiving (or in search of) bailout funds: spend the money well, or you'll suffer the same fate.

What about tht guy in the back who says "The AIG bonuses aren't so big, they're only a tiny percentage of the bailout money, why is everyone getting so upset?"

True, the bonuses are a tiny percentage...but it's a highly meaningful percentage. Earth is only a tiny percentage of the Solar System, but it's important. Idodine is only a tiny percentage of the human body, but try to live without it. And a tiny percentage of carbon monoxide can kill.

Let's make these bonuses AIG's carbon monoxide.

-M

The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.
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Bipartisan

noreply@blogger.com (Meerkatdon) — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 21:14:00 +0000

Both Democrats and Republicans are doing their very best to work on the problems that beset our nation in a bipartisan manner. It's just that the two parties have different definitions of the word bipartisan.

To Democrats, bipartisan means "both parties work together and compromise, each giving up something and each gaining something, until both can agree." To Democrats, compromise is a good thing (as in, "let's find a workable compromise.")

To Republicans, bipartisan means "we get what we want, and the other side either joins in or is outvoted." To Republicans, compromise is an evil thing (as in "we will not compromise our values.")

Pity the Republicans. For the last 8 years they've been very successful at bipartisanship (by their definition): They've gotten everything they want, and the Democrats have dutifully either joined them or been outvoted.

Now, suddenly, it doesn't seem to be working. The Democratic President keeps saying he wants bipartisan efforts, the Democrats keep saying they want to be bipartisan...but somehow, the Republicans aren't getting their way and the Democrats aren't joining them or being outvoted.

One can just imagine John Boehner's plaintive whine: "But we're trying to be bipartisan...why isn't it working?"

And in the background, one hears the distant echo of Mandy Patinkin saying, "I do not think that word means what you think it means..."

M

The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.
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Global Strawmanning

noreply@blogger.com (Meerkatdon) — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 23:37:00 +0000

Have you noticed that every serious, intelligent person refers to the phenomenon as "Climate Change"? Only the yahoos who deny reality (and the media, who are yahoos of a different type) still call it "Global Warming."

"Global Warming" was a simplistic and misleading term to begin with, and one that should never have been used. Yes, the overall phenomenon involves an increase in average global temperature...but the important thing is that higher average temperature equals more energy in the system, which means more violent extremes. Regionally and seasonally, things will tend to get hotter, colder, wetter, drier, windier...in short, more extreme.

It serves the purpose of the yahoos to keep using the term "Global Warming." Then, during the colder times, the more frigid winters, the greater blizzards, the deeper freezes, they can sneer, "Global warming, eh? Doesn't seem that warm to me." Setting up straw men and knocking them down is what passes for argument among the yahoos.

Of course, during the hotter summers, the longer droughts, the melting glaciers, the deeper floods, the stronger storms, and the unseasonably-warm winters, the yahoos don't say anything at all. Refusing to acknowledge facts also passes for argument among the yahoos.

When the Ivory Madonna hears someone use the term "global warming," she tsks and shakes her head. "Educated people call it 'climate change.' You obviously haven't kept up. Why should anyone pay attention to your opinion when you're still using terminology from the last century? Why don't you go off in the corner and pontificate on phlogiston theory and flint-knapping techniques?"

M

The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.
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Fundamental Differences in Philiosophy

noreply@blogger.com (Meerkatdon) — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 23:24:00 +0000

People keep talking about the fundamental differences in philosophy between Democrats and Republicans -- especially in connection with the stimulus bill. Republicans vote in solid blocks against the bill, because it violates their philosophy.

It's true, there are huge differences in philosophy between the parties. And the Ivory Madonna has evolved a truly marvelous way to handle this.

Let the Republicans and Democrats each select one person to represent their philosophical views. Then, give everyone in the country a chance to choose between the two individuals. Those who have no preference, or can't decide, don't have to make a choice.

Then we just need to go with whichever political philosophy gets the most votes.

...What? We already did that?

-M

The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.
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The Russian Problem

noreply@blogger.com (Meerkatdon) — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 01:18:00 +0000

Apparently the Russians are eager to help out the United States in Afghanistan. At the same time, the Afghanistan government is threatening to make overtures to Russia.

The Ivory Madonna thinks this is a great idea that could very well lead to a solution to multiple problems.

The United States should go to Russia, hat in hand, and say, "Gee, Vladimir, could you help us out of this mess we've gotten ourselves into, and take over for us in Afghanistan?"

It's a win-win-win solution. Let us count the ways that the everyone wins:

1. The U.S. gets to pull most troops out of Afghanistan.

2. The Russians get to score major status points from the fact that the U.S. was forced to come asking for their help. Russia has a terrible inferiority complex; they're desperate for Older Brother America to recognize them. Hell, we could use the opportunity to make Russia a partner in NATO, which is what they've wanted since the Cold War ended.

3. Russia will be able to get away with occupying Afghanistan with an iron fist, which the U.S. could not. The U.S. and Russia could play "Good Cop, Bad Cop" on Afghanistan...and you bet there would be no quibbles about crossing the Pakistan border to take out Bin Laden.

4. Afghanistan gets a new occupier to hate. All the squabbling Afghan partisans will come together in glorious national unity to oppose the hated Russians.

All of this hinges on one condition: that the U.S. swallow its silly national pride and approach Russia with the deal.

Yeah, the Ivory Madonna doesn't see it happening, either.

M.

The Ivory Madonna's story is told in Dance for the Ivory Madonna by Don Sakers.
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