2. DO NOT ask “What do you have?” unless you want daggers shooting deep into your soul from my beautiful blue eyes. Also, I can not be held responsible for what will more than likely be a less-than-friendly response such as “Not a lot of time, pick something”.

3. Ask for exactly what you want.

4. If you would like something in your coffee please ask for it WHEN YOU PLACE YOUR ORDER.

*Side note: A “black coffee” does not include cream and sugar, asshole.*

5. If you would like cream and/or sugar that is great, however if you wait until after I serve you the coffee, and walk back a few rows as I am already on to the next few passengers I will punch you in the throat.

6. DO NOT ask me for 2 ice cubes. If you do, I will pick them up with my fingers and plop them into your cup. Really, two?? Jesus Christ.

7. Don’t touch the cart, and do not even think about helping yourself to whatever you want off of it. Just ask. Would it be OK for me to come to your office and start grabbing shit off of your desk? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

8. If you need to get my attention, kindly ask for it like a normal human being. Maybe an old fashioned “excuse me”. I do not take well to someone pulling at my blouse, trousers, apron, tapping my shoulder, flailing their arms in front of me, snapping their fingers, shaking their cup, etc. NOT. FUCKING. COOL. Keep your hands to yourself and be polite. I mean seriously, who raised you?

9. Don’t even try to pull a fast one on us, we’re not idiots — and most of us even have at least a 4-year degree (!). If we come to your row and serve everyone else in it (while you’re too busy listening to your iPod, fake sleeping, and totally ignoring us) and you do not reply, that’s it. You’ve had your chance. I am not playing that back-and-forth from row to row bullshit during a 1-hour flight. Sorry about your luck.

10. We cannot take trash from you during our beverage service. Do you want someone’s half-eaten sandwich, napkins they wiped their nasty-ass mouth with and rotten banana peels touching your cups? I promise we’ll come back after everyone else is served, that is if you can wait the FIVE MINUTES.

11. When I am making eye contact and asking your seatmate what THEY would like, please let THEM answer. If it is a female and you talk over them, you are a douche. I always ask ladies first, and if I am asking them and you cut them off with your dumb-ass yelling of the word “COKE” I will fill your cup up with as much ice as possible and add just a teeny-weenie (size of your dick) splash of COKE to it. Jerk-off.

12. If you tip me (and yes, I WILL take tips – I made less than $18K last year), you will most definitely be treated like a king or queen.

(NOTE: Flight attendants do not expect tips and many will not/can not accept them. I am only speaking for myself, so calm down.)

13. It’s not rocket science.

Blue waffle Photoshop done by sassy stew Sam, idea of BW courtesy of sassy stew Heather S.

• Nail Polish.   For the love of God, do NOT paint your nails during a flight. Everyone will hate you and a stew may punch you in the throat. By the by, you’re not the ONLY person on the plane. Kthx.

• Markers.   One is fine, 48 Sharpies = Not Fucking Cool.

• Bad Gas.   Kindly refrain from eating for 24 hours prior to flight.

• Hairspray.   Take it easy, Tammy Faye.

• Nail Polish Remover.   Please see # 1, asshole.

• Cheap-Ass Perfume.   Ladies here’s a little tip for you, take a bath and thoroughly wash your ‘Bermuda Triangle’. There ain’t no covering up that nastiness if your biznatch isn’t clean.

• Strong Cheap Cologne.   Example: Axe Body Spray. Just no. Women do NOT like that shit. It will more than likely repel any female over the age of 16 (free dating tip, you’re welcome).

• Compound W.   Yes, this actually happened on one of my flights. Some asshole was TREATING HIS WARTS ON THE PLANE!

Thank you for flying with us today, and BUH-BYE!

*you can now comment below without entering email*

Oh, and I have also added some colorful commentary.

Enjoy.

Jane: “Hi!! I’m jane. I use to work with XXXX and asked for her help. She refferred me to you. She said you worked at the airline with her.
Do you think you could help me?!! It’s an emergency kinda.
If u could, could you call me? Or I could call u too.
XXX-XXX-XXXX
Thank you!!”

Um, so yeah.  First of all WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU, and why the hell did XXXX give you my info? I am going to kill that bitch!! Oh hell no. This is gonna suck balls, I can tell already.

Jane: (after I hadn’t answered for 1 day): “???”

Me: (finally replying out of curiosity as to WTF this “emergency” could be): ”Hi. What do you need help with”?

Jane: (30 seconds later): “Oh my!!! Thank u for responding! “

Me: <no response>

Jane: “Can I call u? It’s easier to talk then type a page”

Oh sure, NO PROBLEM!! I totally make it a habit to give out my phone number out to random strangers on the interwebs.

Me: “Could you please give me an idea what this is regarding? I have no idea what the issue is, so I’m not sure I can be of help”.

BE PREPARED FOR JANE’S ANSWER, YOU’RE GONNA SHIT…

Jane: “Ok. That’s cool! well, I was talking to XXXX about it. My boyfriend lives in London and we have been doing the long distance thing all summer. (i have to keep my status on FB as single cause im trying to get on this tv show and get paid! Lol)
His parents n sister are coming to visit him and he hasn’t seen them in 3 years since he moved. He doesn’t know when the next time they will be able to visit as he is not able to go back to his country, Lithuania, for the next couple years.
He wants me to come meet them and fly out next wednesday. I am uber excited. I live in <city> tho.
My friends dad works for an airline, and got him a buddy pass to come visit here a couple times, but he keeps charging us over $500 each time. We just can’t afford it. Cards are maxed and cash is low.
If you can find it anywhere in your heart to please help us by hooking us up with a flight from <local airport> to London heathrow or London England whatever airport from next Wednesday evening to Sunday morning so I can go to work Monday morning, I would be forever grateful.
We think we want to get married in a year and this is the only opportunity I’ll be able to meet his parents and get their blessing.
He also wants to come here at the end of October to meet my mom. But if u want to deal with one at a time that’s fine, or we can pay for both now.
His flight would be leaving the last Wednesday of October and returning November 1st.”

Jane (5 minutes later): “I told u it was a lot to read”!!

Jane (8 minutes later): “We just have to be together and he can’t move here on a fiancé visa until next summer
:*{
I hope u understand how crazy love can be and u can find it in your heart to help us. God Bless”

IS THIS BITCH ACTUALLY FUCKING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?! Bwahahahahaaaa

I am laughing so hard I can barely breathe.

Me (this bitch is lucky I even replied): “I am so sorry, however I am unable to help. I don’t think XXXX is aware of this, but I am currently on a medical leave so unfortunately I do not have flight benefits”.

Jane: “Do u know anyone who can help me? She has a new phone n lost all her numbers”

Jane gave me 10 minutes to reply (to which I didn’t) then replied with this: “???”

Jane a day later: “Sorry. I’m desperate”

Me: <no reply>

43-year old man after him does none of the above.

(shit, that’s a lot of “fucks”)

Evidently there are a few of you that are unaware of how to navigate a website properly so I will assist you. I get that you clicked on only one post and didn’t bother to take a look around the site, so here ya’ go. There is a “caveat” clearly posted on this page. It’s over there —> (that’s called the right-hand side for the slower folks). See it? Let me help you out by posting it here.

It reads:

“Just a Little “Caveat”…

CALM. THE. FUCK. DOWN.

I mean hey, I guess I would be bitter too if I had zero ability to laugh at life and the shit it can throw our way (sometimes in the form of that SMALL MINORITY of asshole passengers) — so I hereby promise in the future to keep that in mind whilst reading your retarded “be glad you have a job” “if you hate it just quit” comments.

So a few days ago I only had 2 legs to get home and finish my hellish 4-day long Thanksgiving trip. Those in “the biz” are well aware of how the shit always seems to hit the proverbial fan on what we call “go home day”.

It’s Murphy’s Law, and Murphy was obviously a huge asshole.

Anyway, the aircraft is boarded  (and of course completely full – fuck you holiday travelers!) and we are soooo ready to get the hell out of there…and just as we are about to close the door (thank you baby Jesus!!)  in slowly strolls the typical late douchebag. I will try my hardest to describe this guy. He was probably in his mid-fifties (but looked 70+), and was a hot disheveled mess. He had longish, shaggy & greasy hair, was wearing a flannel shirt, dirty jeans, and a beautiful black leather FANNY PACK straight out of a 1982 Penny’s catalog . The best way I can describe this hot mess, is that you would totally see him on a Law and Order: SVU episode living under a bridge and being interviewed by detectives Benson & Stabler.

Upon close examination I deduce that he is not intoxicated, but only bat-shit crazy…and very unkempt. Not a crime. During the last few minutes of preparing to close the door, etc., his open and overflowing bag starts to lose all of its contents while he is attempting to stow it; an apple, change, random papers, receipts, you get the idea. Shit is just falling out, covering the floor of the aisle, and naturally I’m trying my damnedest not to bust out laughing (or punch the fucker). My inner voice is screaming BE PROFESSIONAL! which can be incredibly difficult most days, but whatevs.

We finally get the hell out of dodge and begin our beverage service. Naturally the guy asks for an alcoholic beverage (SHOCKING!), and I tell him “no”. He asks “Oh, so you don’t have ANY alcohol on the plane”? My answer: “That is correct”.  No big deal, he doesn’t throw a fit – but the passengers on the other side of the aisle about are about to give birth to a cow. “YOU DON’T HAVE ANY ALCOHOL”? they ask. I look at them, give a little wink and quietly mouth the words, “yeah, we do” while nodding my head. They were picking up what I was putting down, and I ever-so-slyly sneak them a few drinks so that whatshisface couldn’t see. All is well.

After completing our various in-flight duties, we start our descent. I am in the back galley and start heading up to the front, when all of a sudden the shit hits the fan. I look up and I see the the dreaded flashing red light and hear the now activated smoke alarm ringing loudly throughout the cabin. It looks and sounds horrific as it is nighttime and  pitch black… so naturally everything is amplified by 100x. I about shit myself right there (as do the passengers), but I hustle my ass up front (my inner voice is now yelling: HOLY FUCKING SHITBALLS! Fire+Plane=FUUUUUCK!), as I am looking foward hauling balls up front I notice the bat-shit crazy guy is stumbling out of the lavatory. I immediately grab the halon fire extinguisher, pull the pin and start ripping apart the lav. I ransack the shit out of it. Of course all the while I am yelling at the guy “WHAT DID YOU DO?” “WHERE DID YOU PUT THE CIGARETTE?”

After a few large men in uniform carrying guns (a.k.a. the po-po), take him off the plane (all the while he is asking if he is going to make his connection while we taxi in – BWAHAHAA!!) it is discovered that he had a crack pipe on his person.

So yeah, the bottom-line; THIS ASSHOLE WAS SMOKING CRACK ON THE PLANE IN-FLIGHT AND CAUGHT HIS HAIR ON FIRE.

P.S. I soooo deserve a fucking raise. Kthx.

P.P.S. My captain was stuck in security at the same airport prior to this flight for 35 minutes whilst they ransacked HIS bag. Yes, the captain flying the fucking plane. But yeah, the crack pipe held by the obviously bat-shit crazy & disheveled guy got through no prob. Oh the irony.

Thank you TSA!! Great job!

This weird apparatus is called a doorknob. Turn it.

*side note: the ashtray will NOT open the door*

So yeah anyway, once you figure out how to find and then enter the lav (just in case you are unaware)…airplanes DO in fact have toilets that flush. THEY ARE NOT OUTHOUSES!

Please do us all a favor and just flush after you take a shit or piss! There is this button located directly above the toilet paper; and it says…(wait for it…) “FLUSH” on it. Crazy, right??

I would also highly recommend wearing shoes when you go into the lavatory, as this is not a Jerry Springer Charter Flight. That liquid on the floor? Probably not water. It amazes me that people actually walk into the lav without shoes. I’m gonna just assume that they do the same thing at a gas station bathroom as well. Same fucking diff. By the way, to all of you that enter the lavatory barefoot or in socks. Thanks for traipsing your now disease-ridden and urine-soaked stinky-ass dogs throughout the cabin. WE ALL APPRECIATE IT! I’ve always wanted to know what it was like to have a raging case of Hepatitis.

Also, if you then walk out of the lav after not flushing or washing your hands (yes, we can hear that you haven’t done either), thrashing the door open harshly without closing it…(don’t worry I”ll get it for you, I know you probably can’t be bothered to CLOSE A DOOR) inside I am really wishing that I could punch you in your fat, ugly, dumb-ass face.

Have a nice day….and BUH-BYE!

Below we will all share OUR favorite food packing tips, recipes, etc. This is always an incredibly popular topic amongst flight crews, as we tend to bore quickly with our same ole’ same ole’. I must admit that I have been in ruts where I even ask passengers eating something yummy-looking what it is that they have brought with them. I also loooooove peeking into other stews lunch bags for yummy ideas!

For the last 6 months or so I have been on a Bento kick that has recently reached epic proportions. If you’re not familiar with Japanese Bento (and boxes), you’re totally missing out on life. Just Google that shit!

I have also found these amazingly clever Anti-Theft Lunch Bags that are a MUST to prevent the asshole passenger that walks into the galley, steals your food off of the counter (or from your bag!), AND FUCKING EATS IT!!  *for our non-crewmember readers, yes this actually happens*

Our newly updated website no longer has CAPTCHA and is now easier than ever to comment.

So here is the INTERACTIVE part, what do YOU bring to eat? What are your tricks of the trade? We are ALL always looking for new ideas, so please join in on the conversation below!

This is no ordinary, practical and boring holiday travel gift guide. I have personally chosen each item specifically for our sassy crew members and frequent fliers! BONUS: All gifts are under $25 (most are under $12)

All of the items below can be found under the “Gift Guide” tab at the fabulous fredflare.com website, OR you can click on the title of the specific items you love & it will take you directly to that page!

*Important Note: I am receiving ZERO compensation for this or any post on my website, in fact Fred Flare is not even aware of it. However, if they do happen to find this post & love me for sharing their fab items — I would happily accept a FF gift certificate in the amount of $5,000,000,000,000.00*

Mapnetic World Map Magnet Set

“Map out your past, present, and future travels right in your kitchen! The Mapnetic Set comes complete with all the continents, dotted lines for routes, transportation options & fun added extras. Perfect for a refrigerator or any large magnetic surface. 58 magnetic pieces in total, includes easy clean up dry erase marker. 7″x6″” $24

Holly GoNightly Sleep Mask

“Get some shut-eye in this uproarious sleep mask by fred flare reminiscent of Miss Holly Golightly herself! 6.5”x3” eye mask with 12” elastic. Satin lined with elegant trim & terry backing. Darling!” $15

Where I’ve Been Scratch Map Travel Edition

Scratch this instead of the crabs you contracted on your last overnight.

“We are kinda in love with this. A map of the world begins with all the land masses having a brassy sheen, but that metallic surface scratches off like a lottery ticket to keep track of your travel destinations. The other side is blank and white for you to mark your flight paths. Boast your worldliness with some subtlety. “Oh, when did you go to Iceland?” your friends will say. “Ha ha, just last year, shall I regale you with a tale of black sanded beaches and freaky-long days?” Measures about 16.5″x12″ when unrolled and about 5″x2″ in its travel tube.” $22

Creative Cursing

Not that many of us need much help in this department, but yeah — in case you do!

“Have you ever had one of those moments when you just can’t think of an appropriate insult? Lucky for you, we’ve got the perfect solution! This profanity generating book allows you to flip through and create insults you never would have imagined. Get ready to laugh like you’ve never laughed before! Rated NC-17 & NSFW!” $10.95

Magic Christmas Tree

Unfortunately many of us stews can’t be home to water our trees. I have found the perfect alternative! Also, what the hell — take it with you on your trips and set it in your hotel room.

“Bring a little holiday magic to life with this tiny Christmas tree that grows in just a few hours! Feed it “magic” water and watched it bloom into a beautiful crystallized decoration nearly 6″ high. You can even decorate your microtree with the enclosed garland, star, and glitter. Delightful in the living room or at your desk, this little tree will inspire smiles wherever it sprouts. It’s magical!” $8

Dorothy Ruby Slipper Socks

Do you reeeeally want to get the fuck out of dodge, and ditch your horrific trip all together? Wear these and click your heels together. There’s no place like home…

“Taking a trip over the rainbow? Make sure your toes stay toasty with these adorable slipper socks, made to look like Dorothy’s iconic ruby slippers. Shimmering metallic thread makes them sparkle! Ankle length with non-skid sole. Fits women’s shoe sizes 4-10. Cotton/nylon/spandex blend.” $12

Prescription Drink Koozie

“Chilled, wet hands? We’ve got the remedy. This insulated foam koozie will keep your hands warm and dry while you toss back a cold one. Because a beer’s just what the doctor ordered. 4″x3.25″” $12

Toddland Santa Boxerbrief

Hey boys! Someone is gonna want to unwrap your shit in these!

“Dress your birthday suit in a Santa suit with this hilarious boxerbriefs from our friends at Toddland. Traditional, Saint Nick red with a screenprinted belt & buckle across the front, these festive underpants are perfect for sleigh rides, present shopping, cookie eating, and all your favorite Holiday activities. Sizes SM-XL” $25

The Best Dance Moves In The World, Ever

Show off your sweet new moves on the hotel bar dance floor!

“Get ready to bust a move w/ this fully illustrated how-to guide to 100 classic dance steps! You will be able to Robot, Cabbage Patch, Swim, Smurf & Hustle like nobody’s business. Time to break it down! 176 pages. Book is 8.75×6.5”” $9.99

Nice Jewish Guys 2013 Calendar

“Hubba challah! This hunky calendar features 12 months of delicious guys in photos tame enough to show Grandma (or Bubbe). Who needs a shirtless fireman when you can have a super sweet Jewish guy posing with puppies? I’ll take these nice guys over bulging muscles any day. This cutie-filled wall calendar measures 12″x12″” $14

Hey Asshole Pad

I want to use this. EVERY. FUCKING. DAY.

“I love it when a new item has a curse word in it. It means I get to use it. Asshole asshole asshole. Ah, that really feels good, but I’m getting a little carried away. This pad is the perfect checklist for when someone somewhere needs to be called out. Just check off the offenses and staple to their foreheads. Because they are assholes (assholes assholes assholes, ha ha ha). Pad contains 60 sheets with adhesive binding, measures 6″x9″” $7.50

Bitch Pen

Obviously the perfect accompaniment to the Hey Asshole Pad, as well as your must-have pen required for inflight duties.

“Words cut deeper than any knife, and this pen is your ultimate weapon. This red pen proclaims your boss status in white letters and can be used to dish out criticism, complaints, blame…or compliments, if you’re feeling friendly. Black ink. Pen is approximately 5″ long, box is 6″x1.75″x.5″” $9.99

Napoleon Dynamite Sleep Mask

Make deadheading, commuting and non-reving a little more fun.

“Lucky! You get to go to sleep & wear this radical Napoleon Dynamite sleep mask! Polyester mask is 7”x3.25” w/ elastic straps. One size fits all. Good for travel or chillin’ in Preston, Idaho.” $10

 The Hungover Cookbook

Self-explanatory.

“You know those mornings. You’ve just had a great night and now your head is throbbing. What to do? Well, eating is certainly an option. But what to eat? Allow us to recommend the Hungover Cookbook. This book splits the hangover into six different categories and tells you the best item to whip up or order depending on your type. 128 pages. Approximately 5.5″x7″” $10

Mr. T in Your Pocket

Probably a fun retort to those clueless, assholish holiday passengers.

“Now you can take Mr. T wherever you go w/ this great keychain featuring six hilarious key phrase buttons. Nobody’s going to mess with you when you have “Don’t gimme no backtalk sucka!!!” at your fingertips. Item about 1.5”x3.5”” $12.50

Also, if you’re interested Sassy has her own “Sassy Gear” for sale. Please consider taking a look, as the nominal amount made from our products help to keep this website up and running! CLICK HERE to be directly linked to our store. Our most popular items are the navy blue inflight service Sassy apron, the Sassy PJs (now available for both men & women), the Sassy coffee mug, and Sassy shot glass!

Below is a small sampling of items available in our store:

*make sure to purchase Sassy items here directly from the store only otherwise you will pay a much higher price*

NOTE: The website has been modified so that you can post comments without entering your email address. If you would like to post anonymously, please feel free to do so.

And please don’t forget to SHARE!