Rants of the Over - Emotional

MIA

2012-07-13T23:39:00.002-07:00

Well my laptop fried so I haven't been able to get online! Im on a friends right now just trying to keep up with homework!! Ill be back ASAP!!

Feeling like a failure

2012-07-02T05:07:00.001-07:00

So lately I've been feeling pretty gross and just down on me! Being pregnant made it easy to hide that I wasn't happy with my state of health and where I was at physically. Now that I'm not pregnant anymore and Olivia is moving quickly out of newborn-ness, I'm feel less than adequate. I'm sick of being the big girl everywhere I go and I think that I may have hit rock bottom today. Out shopping with a friend and we were looking at camping chairs... Never realized that they had a weight limit until today. I almost broke down. I've never felt more disgusting than at the precise moment. It was tragic and heart breaking.... I get that I was on bed rest and I gained a shit ton of weight because I was not medically allowed to be active for 10 months but Im fucking livid about it. I'm married to a man that is physically beautiful (sometimes mentally and emotionally too :P) and I don't feel his equal. I feel like I shouldn't be with him because he deserves a trophy wife to touch and love on and just look at.

Point is.. I'm failing... somewhere... because usually I'm pretty good about pushing through these self-hating moments but right now.. for the past few weeks if not months... I'm failing.... I feel like I'm falling farther and farther away from reality and then I get a small pick me up and I start feeling halfway decent again... you know... some douche bag gives me a once over and for a second I'm eye candy.... and it feels good.... until I see a photo of myself and what others see me as and then all I can think of is that perv probably has some weird fat chick fetish HAHA... FML... IDK... Last night for a few hours I felt like me again. Like I fit in... Metal brings out the best in me :D What can I say haha.... I tore it up with the coolest ppl in this fucking state and for almost 24 hours.. I didn't feel that ripple in my heart.... that tear strolling down my cheek....

I'm going to fix it... don't get me wrong... yesterday.. today and many tomorrows will be full of painful workouts and discipline Ive never experienced before and Ill get back to what I was... Ill be better than I was but at this very moment.... I'm drowning in self-pity... self-hate... and I'm failing.... and I think I just needed to get it out

Crazy Days...

2012-06-25T11:44:00.002-07:00

Well we have been back from Chelivy' for a few days but I have been working my butt off for my finals which were due last night. I finished them and got them turned in and I started my last classes of my Associate's Degree today. So in 9 weeks, Ill be a college graduate. WOW. So weird to say and think about. I am taking Psych 285 and XComm 285. Both look like difficult classes with the amount of work I need to do and the finals are insane looking but I think I can handle it. I will just need to juggle my summertime activities accordingly.

On a different note, my sisters boyfriend is in jail AGAIN. I feel so sorry for her because I know she doesn't WANT this life but she cant seem to walk away from him either. My heart breaks for her. Unfortunately, she doesn't listen when I talk so I am long over trying to give her advice. Hopefully, her son, my precious nephew doesn't end up down the same road as his daddy. Don't get me wrong, Brian has a good heart but he is a dumb kid and makes some pretty rotten choices.

I've been talking to Sonny a lot and I got a letter from him about my rant and rave I gave him. I think me being able to apologize for a past transgression really has brought us closer and allowed us to see that we CAN do this. We just need to work at it. I also think (he didnt say it) that me being so open and honest has given him a little more faith in me as a wife and mother. It feels good to feel like I am his equal in most things, (physically Im still lacking). I do worry that the physical side of things will turn him away from me. I want him to want me in all ways and I know I look at myself and become disgusted so how could he look at me and feel anything different? I'm working on it though. I really am, Im just not coming up with any results. Blah...

But enough of that before I get depressed, I will keep working on me and hopefully one day I wake up and see some results LOL

Well Im off for now! Hope your summer is going as great as mine!!

Forgiveness

2012-06-19T09:55:00.000-07:00

So I know that my biggest issue (at the moment) is being able to forgive. I have a really hard time. Once Im hurt, I find it very difficult, to move past it with that person without completely blocking it out, which it doesnt work to well because then it doesnt get resolved. So I am working on forgiveness and I have found some scriptures that I think are really great for all facets of forgiveness. Tell me what you think!

Psalm 51:17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

Psalm 86:4-5 Gladden the soul of your servant, for to you, O Lord, do I lift up my soul. For you, O Lord, are good and forgiving, abounding in steadfast love to all who call upon you.

Psalm 103:8-12 The LORD is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He will not always chide, nor will he keep his anger forever. He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us.

Isaiah 1:18 “Come now, let us reason together, says the LORD: though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool.

Matthew 5:22-24 But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire. So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.

Matthew 11:28-30 “… Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Luke 7:47-48 “…Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven—for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little.” And he said to her, “Your sins are forgiven.” (Jesus speaking to the accusers and the woman caught in adultery)

Luke 23:43 “…Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven—for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little.” And he said to her, “Your sins are forgiven.” (Jesus speaking to the thief on the cross)

John 4:13-14 Jesus said to her, “Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” (Jesus speaking to the woman at the well)

Acts 4:10-12 “… let it be known to all of you and to all the people of Israel that by the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, whom you crucified, whom God raised from the dead—by him this man is standing before you well. This Jesus is the stone that was rejected by you, the builders, which has become the cornerstone. And there is salvation in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given among men by which we must be saved.” (Peter speaking to the rulers of the people and the elders at Jerusalem)

Acts 10:42-43 “…And he commanded us to preach to the people and to testify that he is the one appointed by God to be judge of the living and the dead. To him all the prophets bear witness that everyone who believes in him receives forgiveness of sins through his name.” (Peter speaking of what Jesus commanded the Apostles to do)

2 Corinthians 5:18-19 All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation.

Ephesians 1:7-10 In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth.

Colossians 1:13-14 He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.

Matthew 6:14 For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you (attitude: forgive because you love the Lord)

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. (attitude: can love cover it?)

2 Corinthians 2:5-8 Now if anyone has caused pain, he has caused it not to me, but in some measure—not to put it too severely—to all of you. For such a one, this punishment by the majority is enough, so you should rather turn to forgive and comfort him, or he may be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. So I beg you to reaffirm your love for him. (attitude: stand ready to forgive)

Galatians 6:1-2 Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. (attitude: approach gently and stand ready to restore the relationship)

Ephesians 4:31-32 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.(attitude: loving and forgiving just like God forgave you)

Accountability

2012-06-19T09:47:00.000-07:00

So I was finally able to apologize for past transgressions. Not all of mine, of course, but I was finally able to own my part in the history of our lives. He said he wasn't sure how to respond and all I said was I didn't want a response. Not right now anyways. I just want to have it said. I also explained that I think we need to be free and expected to hold each other accountable. Setting some ground rules is definitely going to help us and then holding each other to those ground rules will really help us learn how to handle situations with each other.I know it is going to be really hard, I just am so looking forward to actually beginning to work on us.

Do you have ground rules in your marriage? What ground rules are best for you and how do you hold each other accountable?

Realizations

2012-06-18T01:48:00.002-07:00

Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, we do and say things we don't really mean. Sometimes those words or actions start us on a path that isn't perfectly straight.

Ive been at Chel's for going on 5 days now and Ive had the opportunity to see how she lives while married. Something Ive never seen her do before. I have to say in the last 4 days, Ive learned a lot about myself, which I wasn't expecting when I came down here. I'm having so much fun just hanging out and being with her and her family and my family, its unreal. I missed her so much and I didn't even realize it. I did, but I didn't.

Today I saw Chel and hubby in a situation I perceived as intimate. Don't get me wrong it was completely innocent but from where I was standing it looked like it was a precursor to some sexy time. It didn't bother me.... other than the fact I'm lonely but I was a tad uncomfy because I didn't think I was supposed to witness that moment. I walked away as quickly as I could and went about my business. Well, Chel and I were talking a little later and I mentioned what I saw and we had a pretty lengthy convo about how my brain seems to work. LOL

Let me back up a bit.... Sonny and I are realizing more and more that our biggest issue is communication. Tonight, I had a brain fart and realized I had been perceiving his action as "perverted" for years. I don't know WHY I think this way... yet, but from what Chel and I (and Hubby and Ed) could gather is that for whatever reason, I don't know the boundary line of being loved on and being pulled into sexy time. Like I said for years Sonny has always put himself out there to touch me, not sexually but lets say for instance stand behind me as I do dishes and kiss my ear or even my neck or pull me into his arms and just look at me (maybe grab my butt ;P) and I would get so upset and tell him it was inappropriate (kids being awake, company over, etc) and we would fight about it because he would say he wasn't being forward and I swore he was. Eventually, he stopped reaching for me all together, which hurt me. Chel and I spoke of how she USED to perceive the situation the same way I was perceiving it but that she realized (after meeting hubby) that she needed that little touch and that it WASN'T out of line for her children to see that her husband loved her.

I felt (feel) like such an asshole. I never believed Sonny. NEVER. All this time he could have (probably was) telling me the truth and I pushed him further and further away. I hate myself in this moment and I VOW to NEVER let it happen again. I may have to personally work on my boundaries and have him help me find a comfortable middle ground so I know where that line exists, but I need him to want me and he was trying to tell me, to show me and I wasn't responding because I didn't know it was okay. I don't know why I think this way (I do plan on trying to fin out) but for now I am content with being able to acknowledge that I am partially to blame for some of our issues.

I know its going to be so hard for us, to find our way back to each other in a married way. But I think I'm confident enough to know it will work. I am slightly doubtful because I'm afraid. I'm afraid to be hurt again, to lose my best friend again, to feel out of control in my own home again. I told Chel, that I think I need to concentrate on forgiving myself before I can truly forgive Sonny... or maybe its the other way around but I definitely need to start forgiving. Its so hard though, Ive always been the one who doesn't offer second chances (to men). Once you've broken me or hurt me in any way I'm gone. Until Sonny, Ive given him so many chances its unreal.

We have a lot of work but I think we can pull it off! Here's hoping anyway.... and praying for guidance, I'm going to need it!

Summa Tyme 2012

2012-06-15T04:07:00.003-07:00

Well the kids and I officially kicked off our summer yesterday. I got all of my homework done for the next week (through to my finals) and now we are in Medford, Oregon; staying with a friend of mine for a few days (or a week... whatever). We left Myrtle Creek at about 11ish this morning and have been hanging out. Chelivy, Brittany and I took our kids (all 5) to the water park and had a blast! We had so much fun. I even got a little sunburn. Maybe this year Ill get a tan, probably not, but here's hoping! We have a birthday party tomorrow and then we are gunna have a few drinks and just enjoy our youth I suppose. I plan on having as much fun as I can before I have to go home and getting as much sunshine as possible!! I miss the days where that's all I did all summer long.

What are your plans for this weekend?

I feel....

2012-06-12T20:36:00.002-07:00

So I am not 100% sure why it is happening now but I am falling.. not into a depression but into a rut, I think. I'm not feeling myself lately. Since Ive had Olivia, I definitely don't feel sexy in any way. Ive noticed in photos lately, I look bigger than I feel. I'm not sure how to explain it. I knew I gained a lot of weight with this pregnancy. Being on bed rest for 32 weeks will do that to anyone, but I felt "thick" not fat. That is until I saw a photo of me from this weekend at a Friends birthday party. I wanted to cry, I did a little but people were around when I saw it and I didn't want to hear the "You're beautiful" cause I know they aren't true.

Ive always been a bigger girl. My husband used to tell me I was "thick" and I believed him. I don't anymore. At the same time I have no motivation to get my ass off this couch and do something about it. I WANT to but I don't have the energy.. the time. I have so much I need to do... the 10 minutes I get to type out my blog post is almost all that I get to myself anymore. If there was one reason I wish I would have moved closer to friends it would be so that I would have someone to push me... that I could push back. I can push... others... just not myself. I'm sitting here KILLING myself because I know what needs to be done. I know I need to get up and work out and not buy cookies cause if they are in the house... I'm going to eat them. I know I need to go for a walk, a jog... whatever but I sit here and do my homework and watch the boys argue or anything else EXCEPT workout. Where do I find the self control deep down inside me and flip the switch that says GET UP? Where is it? I see so many others have it... Why cant I find it? I have a million things that SHOULD be motivating enough to get me up but physically I cant.... mentally I'm there... I'm working out every day.. looking and feeling gorgeous... physically, i haven't moved from the couch.

I feel lost. I feel hopeless. I feel ugly. I feel like a waste.

Exhausting

2012-06-11T20:06:00.001-07:00

Well this weekend was hectic as I promised. It started with therapy for Lucas on Friday afternoon. I make a habit of arriving 15-20 minutes early to EVERY appointment. Its my biggest pet peeve to deal with people and their tardiness and I wouldn't have myself being late... ever as long as I can help it. I left the house 45 minutes before his appointment. I spent over an hour in bumper to bumper traffic for what I thought was more unnecessary road work they have been doing (instead of employing sheriffs to keep the highway safe ) so I bitched and moaned as I got into the right hand lane behind a bajillion cars because the signs told me to. (Merge right, left lane ends in... feet) My second biggest pet peeve is when other drivers haul ass past where you have been sitting forever just so they can get as far up the line as possible. I became overly irate by this point. About an hour and 15 minutes into sitting in traffic and moving as slow as a snail, we came upon an accident. I was HORRIFIED. It looked like a scene from CSI or something. There were bodies covered in sheets and blood and glass a chunks of cars all over the road. I was sick to my stomach as you could tell most of them were young children, one even looked like a baby. Heartbreaking. So now I felt like the biggest asshole ever for bitching about how my time was being wasted and cussing out random doosh bags for cutting in line when babies would never grow up... mothers would never see their babies graduate. Needless to say I was instantly okay with being late... Lucas and I prayed and prayed for the souls of those lost for their families and friends who would miss them and mourn them.

We got to therapy late, they still made time for us (they are wonderful people) Lucas is being referred to a psychiatrist :( and they are thinking he is hyper active, well I already know this is going to become a battle as I refuse to put my 5 year old son on medication. REFUSE!! He is 5, it would be unnatural if he WASN'T hyperactive right?? BUT he does have some unresolved anger issues that seem to be surrounding his relationship with Sonny. His therapist thinks he blames himself for Sonny & I fighting and for Sonny going to prison. Ridiculous I know but he is 5 and his brain works differently than mine. So we have a few coping mechanisms we are going to start trying until we can get in to see the head shrink.

After therapy, Lucas and I went home and picked my mom and Mark & Einstein up and loaded the car up and headed down to grants pass. We dropped the dog at my sisters and headed over to my girlfriends house where we would be staying for the weekend. Saturday I went to another friends 25th birthday party and showed off my beautiful red headed little girl and Sunday we threw a pretty good BBQ for my dad, my little brother and my grandmother. A Bon Voyage BBQ as they will be moving to Mississippi at the end of the month :( then we decided to stay another night and my grandmother actually kept all 3 kids overnight for me. I planned on having a few drinks with another friend of mine but at the last minute plans fell through and I ended up going back to the house and sleeping LOL

I picked the kiddos up this morning and they all had a blast. I was nervous leaving Olivia so soon, but it was great! I got some sleep and the kids had a blast! So were home now, until Thursday and then we are go on a mini vacation to Medford. Stay with some friends and just soak up this summer sun!! Ill put up photos soon!! PROMISE!!

Busy Little Bees

2012-06-06T15:58:00.002-07:00

WOW! We got our summer off to an amazing start. Last Friday, the 1st of June, a few things to do in Roseburg. We received some funding from UCAN to help us get caught up on our electric bill. Being on bed rest killed my bank account and we got behind. :( I am so thankful for the resources around us. Then Lucas had a therapy session. He has been so angry lately, I didn't know what else to do. He seemed to like talking to the woman. Talks about Sonny a lot. Breaks my heart. I hate that our choices have affected him so much. We will be seeing her weekly (Fridays) for the next several months to see if we can work some stuff out with him. Hopefully we can get him going in the right direction by the time school starts. On Saturday we went down to Grants Pass to see everyone. I had an appointment with Leah, my sister in law, for her to cut my hair. Nothing major just a trim and some bangs :) The boys got their Mohawks shaped up and they got to see Momo and Grandma Julie and pop pop. They were pretty excited. Then we went to Tom Pierce park and had a mini BBQ with my sister Courtney, her fiance Brian and Bentley their baby and their BFF Harley and his mom Roxanne. It was so fun just hanging out, outside. I truly love the summertime! We headed home after that to relax a little bit and my girlfriend Chelivy and her family (Hubby Charles; her son Tyler and her step kids Alex & Elizabeth) They hung out ans spent the night. Us grown ups had some laughs and reminisced while the kiddos slept and when they got up they got to play in the playroom while I made pancakes! We all went and did a little yard saleing and then had a mini BBQ at the park for lunch. Then they had to go home. We went home to clean up a little and relax. Monday (June 4th) we went down and my mom co-signed for my sister to get into an house. We got her all moved in and ready to begin her new life. This is her first place so we had to go shopping. It's easy to not realize how much "start up" stuff one needs for a house. She didn't get everything but she got a start. The boys got to visit Leah's new house while we were shopping for Courtney and after we were done mom and I went and picked them up. We hung out for a little bit then headed home. We got home at about 11:30 and boy were we pooped. I didn't do ANYTHING yesterday and today I'm taking it pretty easy too. One more day of laziness and then Friday were leaving for Grants Pass for the weekend and another crazy adventure for us! Ill have to tell ya all about it another day!! Until then, Happy sunshine!!

30 Day Photo challenge- Day 30

2012-06-02T01:31:00.000-07:00

A photo of someone you miss

I've been asked not to post a photo, for I have a stalker that causes trouble for everyone I know. A jealous hateful woman who calls herself a christian yet covets another womans husband. A drug addict, a whore herself even though she fancies herself in love with him.

Drama Free - If you know me, you know the photo that belongs here... I wont place it as I promised to behave and I will... FOR NOW!!!

30 Day Photo challenge- Day 29

2012-06-02T01:30:00.000-07:00

A photo that can always make you smile

Since I always post my children as anything positive since they are my morning noon and night I thought Id post some of my favorite movies. I love to laugh and to make others laugh, here are a few of my favorite comedies...

30 Day Photo challenge- Day 28

2012-06-01T01:29:00.000-07:00

A photo of something you are afraid of

MY biggest fear in this universe is the thought of losing my child. I am a person who thinks of the worst case scenario all too often. I try my hardest not to think of those things but with the world in a state of chaos, its hard not too. I worry about being able to protect my babies if the need arose and I try to make myself stronger by any means butagain there will always be someone stronger or smarter....

my biggest fear.. not being able to protect my babies like a good mother should.

30 Day Photo challenge- Day 27

2012-06-01T01:28:00.000-07:00

A photo of yourself and a family member

I always post photos of MY babies but if I had none this little boy would be keeper of my heart. My nephew Bentley Alexander Meister. Cutest kid not of my womb. :D Born October 20th, 2011 I love him very dearly!!

30 Day Photo challenge- Day 26

2012-05-31T01:28:00.000-07:00

A photo of something that means a lot to you

So I Dont have a photo of my house because it i a hideous Smurfy blue. Thank you previous tenants. I am hoping the landlord will allow me to pant it soon. I may have to wait until after September, if the weather holds, otherwise it'll wait until next summer.
ANY WHO.. my homes means the most to me because of what lies inside. My whole world is in my home. My family, my heart. It is wear I hold everything dear to me.

30 Day Photo challenge- Day 25

2012-05-30T00:30:00.000-07:00

A photo of your day

My days are filled with laughter, tears an all that lies in between. For now, I am lucky enough to be able to spend my days with my favorite people, my children. I love being a stay at home mother. Some days I miss having the 9-5, the money definitely and I will be forced to return again one day (probably soon) so for now I cherish every second, no matter how bad Id like to tear my hair out. Because one day all too soon they will be grown and moving on with their own lives and I will be left to wallow on a cruise ship somewhere... in a hot tub.... with the love of my life... :)

30 Day Photo challenge- Day 24

2012-05-30T00:26:00.000-07:00

A photo of something you wish you could change

I wish I would have fought harder for my marriage. I wish I wouldn't have let other people dictate how I handle my life. If only I would have been stronger, more adamant about him cleaning up his act, maybe we wouldn't be where we are now. Sure I wouldn't have Olivia and that kills me to think about... but...

No!! I was right to leave... My heart wants to change it but my brain knows I did the right thing. I needed to know I could make it on my own, away from him. I needed to see that his problem was NOT caused by me, which he proved when he was sent to prison. I needed it to allow myself to heal some wounds. Sure I love him, he is my best friend and I pray for him every day and when he gets out I want us to be together but now we BOTH know how it needs to be!!

30 Day Photo challenge- Day 23

2012-05-29T00:26:00.000-07:00

A photo of your favorite book

Ok, so A lot of people may expect me to answer this one WAY differently. Let me tell you YES I LOVE TWILIGHT but it is NOT m favorite book. Im about to go a lil nerdy on ya's. The Wheel of Time series is my all time favorite book (series). I can read them all over and over and over again.

I also must admit, that it wasn't always this way. I have spent YEARS denying my husband the satisfaction of turning me onto this book. Making excuses that it just wasn't my genre and I wasn't THAT girl. LOL Right before I gave birth to my oldest boy (he is 5 now, almost 5.5) I gave in. I was home about to have a baby and bored out of my mind! So while he was at work I read the first two books LMAO I was hooked. I kept it a secret for a while but he busted me and laughed at me but from then on we read then together. Every night we read for a bit and then talked about it all.

I love thinking of those nights we would talk about the books until 2-3 am. Then be shocked we had spent that much time "only talking" before we would get busy. :D

OK, so this series holds a special place in my heart. For a few different reasons. :D

30 Day Photo challenge- Day 22

2012-05-28T01:18:00.000-07:00

A photo of something you wish you were better at

I wish I could stay motivated! I dont know how to keep on keeping on. I can get a few days, weeks or even months out of myself but I get bored. I get lazy and I just give up. I do the bare minimum of whatever it is I'm trying to accomplish. Weight control is my biggest failure. I have spent years working out and denying myself the simplest pleasures because I want to be thin. It's just not in me. I guess I'm meant to be a bigger girl, I just wish I could be confident with my big girl-ness.

30 Day Photo challenge- Day 21

2012-05-28T00:23:00.000-07:00

A photo of something you wish you could forget

Like a bad taste in my mouth, Id love to forget this 10 month portion of my life. The only good thing that came from this "field trip" is my beautiful baby girl. The mountains were gorgeous! The summer air was dry and cool and I will never regret going but I hate Colorado!!

30 Day Photo challenge- Day 20

2012-05-27T00:22:00.000-07:00

A photo of somewhere you'd love to travel

IRELAND
Not only is this the majestic motherland of my people, it is the most gorgeous country. Fields made of every shade of green you can imagine. I've always wanted to be a Galway girl! :D One day, Ill make it home!! May not be for a few years (when the kids are old enough to really appreciate it) but Ill make it back and if I have my way Ill spend the rest of my days there, aging blissfully with my old Irish hubby by my side!

30 Day Photo challenge- Day 19

2012-05-26T01:22:00.000-07:00

A photo of you when you were little

YES! I know! I was adorable!! and YES I wore glasses LOL. Not sure why my mom wore them, she didn't need them back then! I've needed them my whole life but once school started the kids made fun of me so I threw them away or washed them... I found a way to get rid of them. Now, I cant see LOL I wish I would have worn them like I needed to but what can I do now? This is my mom and me back in the good ole days before she shacked up with my evil step father! Now now now... dont judge me.. the guy was a major doosh bag! Liked to beat up on little kids when he was drunk and spend our rent money on drugs! Needless to say, I have no love for the man! Sure he gave my mom my brother and sister THANKS ASSHOLE!! (jk)but still...

Anyways - we lived close to my grandma and papa when this was taken! I was the favorite (and only) grand child. My uncles still loved me and I could do no wrong... I miss those days!

30 Day Photo challenge- Day 18

2012-05-25T00:21:00.000-07:00

A photo of your biggest insecurity

I've crossed the line from thick to fat and I hate it. Today's society wants lean, thin, skinny people and no matter how much I try I can't get there. I want to! I really do. I diet, I exercise and I just cant do it. I was thick before I had kids, then everyone just started lying to me. I put on 80lbs with my oldest. Didn't lose any of it and put on an extra 40 with my second. It took me 3 years of killing myself exercising and drooling over cookies but never having them to drop 70 lbs. Then I got pregnant with Olivia. Don't get me wrong. That little girl saved my life. I would ever had known about my cervical cancer without her. BUT I was put on extreme bed rest at 8 weeks and not taken off until 36 weeks. I had her 2 weeks later. I gained 64lbs. I am heart broken. I'm sitting here 9 weeks post partum crying my eyes out because my husband will get out and see me and be disgusted. I'm kicking my ass 4 days a week doing cardio workouts for 2 hours each day, walking everyday and eating all the right things and NONE of the bad things.... and after a month I go to the doctors to see Ive GAINED 5 lbs. I want to die. I dont want to live this life anymore. I'm unhappy. I'm miserable. I wish I was born in another life, in Ireland where the woman are PRIZED for being bigger. A bigger woman means a man will eat better and have strong babies and blah blah blah... all it means here in America in 2012... some skinny bitch will sleep with your husband while you're at work, or grocery shopping or out of town. The constant fear of being "replaced" with a younger, more sexier model is not only a fear but an anxiety I live with daily.

30 Day Photo challenge- Day 17

2012-05-24T00:19:00.000-07:00

A photo of something that has made a huge impact in your life recently

Not that the words have to be said, but my daughter is the most amazing gift I have ever received. I didn't think Id ever meet her but after a long road of expecting nothing, she was given to me. She lights my world and I am so thankful that bad choices I made brought her to me. If nothing else, I have her. Ill cherish her forever, as well as my boys but there is just something different about having a little girl. I've always been proud to be a mommy and I've always be the best mommy I can be but this little girl makes me want to strive eve harder to be as close to perfect as I can get. The boys have role models, their dad (although he's made some bad choices) is a great dad and a good man (when he is clean and sober), the boys have uncle Kelly and Grandpop and Joe Joe. Olivia has me. Unless Sonny's family decide to become a part of her life (they are still a little standoff-ish) then I'm what shes got. And my mom but that's another can of worms. I love her to pieces and I vow to be the best role model I can be. Not just show her how to do the girly things like makeup and dresses or cooking and baking and cleaning but how to be a strong independent white woman in today's male egotistical society where even the minorities (whom are the real majorities) will put her down. I wont stand for it! Not my girl! She'll be the toughest girl in this town!!

30 Day Photo challenge- Day 16

2012-05-23T00:19:00.000-07:00

A photo of someone who inspires you

This is NOT my teacher! BUT it represents a teacher! Mrs. Vicki Sarris! 4th grade teacher at Mayfair Elementary school in Philadelphia, Pa.

The summer before my fourth grade year, my family had one tragedy after another. My mother almost died during a routine surgery, well she did die, twice on the table before being revived. That same summer my biological father committed suicide. The father I never really knew.. It was a rough year for me. I was very depressed, suicidal at times. I had no one to turn to, my mom was still in recovery, my step dad was too busy doing drugs and screwing his mistress. I was alone, until I started school.

Mrs. Sarris pulled me out of a horrible time in my life. She saved me and helped set me on the path I WAS on before I turned into a teenager (:D). She is my inspiration for all time, I will always remember what she did for me and when I feel like I cant go on anymore, when times are tough, her voice is in my head, telling me to hold on that GOD has a plan and I just need to give it all to him to deal with.

Thank you for reaching out and holding my hand when I was in the worst position of my childhood!! I will be ETERNALLY grateful.