Rantzilla

Bloodrider Leeroy Jenkins led the Dothraki at the Battle of Winterfell

2019-05-23T15:33:00.004-05:00

Why did the Dothraki charge into the night with their "murder candles"[1] and crash into an unknown mass of wights and White Walkers out in the "zombie forest"[2], rather, say, than stick to the plan? Bet you didn't know that the top Bloodrider in the Khalasar is Leeroy Jenkins and he led the charge. Makes sense, now. WARNING: video is extremely geeky World of Warcraft gamer humor.
[1] Trae Crowder, Trae Crowder
[2] Trae Crowder, Trae Crowder
PS: To be absolutely clear, I did not make up Dothraki, murder candles, wights, White Walkers, zombie forests, Bloodriders, Khalasar, Leeroy Jenkins, World of Warcraft, humor, the Internet (thanks, Al!), or gaming.

How not to stick the landing in the final episode of Game of Thrones

2019-05-17T18:26:00.001-05:00

It's pretty obvious that I love Game of Thrones, but it's not unqualified. It's kinda like the time your four year old got ahold of that flame thrower and burned the house down, scorched the cat, and blew up the Honda Odyssey. Of course, you still love him (because you know is a him), but you're still a little cranked about the carnage and destruction.

Who are they going to drop a building on next?

Like having to bury deep-fried Mittens the Kitten, you just don't get over having the series big bad numero uno Cersei I will f you the f up Lannister go out by having a building dropped on her. Well, at least, I can't. Gruntle. What could possibly go wrong?

Daenerys

It's up to Jon to take Daenerys out, and the question is how is he going to do it? The "right" way, IMO, is, after the defeat of her dragon and troops, for Jon to condemn her to death and chop her head off with Longclaw. The wrong way is for Jon to die with his aunt and lover by whatever means they cook up to kill them off. It was OK for Jaime and Cersei to go out together, but not reconciled and not by having a damn building fall on them. It will not be OK for Jon to take himself out taking out Daenerys.

Drogon

Now, it would be appropriate to have Drogon and Daenerys go out together, but it would be a little weird to have Jon Snow play Bard the Bowman with some Night King spearhead-material tipped arrow, since we've never seen him shoot a bow or have any archery competence implied as with Arya (first episode shooting bullseye, getting tips from Anguy from the Brotherhood Without Banners, etc.) and with Theon Greyjoy (shooting down Frey ravens, defending Bran from the Army of the Dead, etc.). Maybe — maybe — shooting Drogon with a Scorpion could work, but how they come up with the Scorpion will really matter. If it's part of an Avengers! Assemble! deal where Gendry makes the Scorpion, Sansa is the bait, and Jon fires the killing shot, OK. Oh! Look what I found! A Scorpion! isn't going to cut it, but it's quick and easy, so look out.

Sansa and the folks in Winterfell

Jon and Daenerys (and Drogon) — the key players — are in King's Landing, but Sansa, Samwell Tarley, et al., are a thousand miles away and more in Winterfell. It's one thing to just let Tormund and Ghost fade into the distant north, even if ultimately unsatisfying, but it would be something else to just have Sansa happily ever after rule Winterfell. They did a very good job of bringing all the characters together in Winterfell at the beginning of the season, but now they're spread out and we've got just eighty minutes to go.

Bronn and Tyrion

While it wasn't out of character for Bronn to try to get a better deal than he had from Cersei with Jaime and Tyrion, it did seem out of character for him to be so cold and humorless. He's spent some serious time with both Jaime and Tyrion. Wit and humor in the negotiation would have been far better than ruthlessness, but so it was written. Fortunately, this should be an easy one to wrap, presuming that Tyrion survives — just do the Bronn and Tyrion thing.

Scatman Crothers The Shining Deaths

The Shining was a really great book, and it was a pretty solid movie, too. But unlike the book, the movie made a WTF unforced error by killing off Scatman Crothers (Hallorann) just as he rolls up to the hotel. Um… what's the point of the whole Hallorann character, setting up the psychic vibe, and all of that screen time, etc., just to have him immediately whacked on arrival? Is Sansa going to send a raven to Yara Greyjoy to come help, just to have her fleet burned by Drogon just so we can up the body count? I'm sure there is going to be a big temptation to run the body count up to tear at heart strings, but just doing it to do it would be a waste of last precious moments.

Arya goes Frontal

I really think that Benioff and Weiss want to whack Arya because there is probably no other character more beloved, and breakin' hearts is what they do. OK, fine, but don't take her out of character to do it. While she probably could hold her own against a few Unsullied, the scene better not be her fighting her way through some number of Unsullied to ultimately face Grey Worm, who after a pitched battle kills her. Or, she pulls a Jaime Lannister and charges Daenerys on Drogon only to get torched. The fate of the TV may depend on how they choose to dispose of Arya Stark. I might have someone bind my hands, or better, hobble my feet (need hands to drink wine) until after the Arya death scene so I don't chuck the TV out the window.

Overheard how Game of Thrones ends from Sophie Turner at the Flora-Bama

2019-05-17T16:39:00.001-05:00

Despite my best efforts to avoid spoilers, I overheard Sophie Turner talking to Masie Williams at the Flora-Bama talking about the final episode of Game of Thrones, and I tell you, I'm not happy. If you haven't heard, Sophie Turner is going to play Dark Phoenix in the upcoming movie Dark Phoenix. In order to curry favor with the juggernaut that is Marvel, Benioff and Weiss agreed to do a cross-over. Here's what happens: Thanos adopts Sansa Stark and renames her Jean Grey and zaps her with cosmic rays and turns her into Dark Phoenix. Rather than wait to collect all of the Infinity Stones before cutting the population of The World in half, Thanos conjures a giant moon-sized building and drops it on Westeros, killing everyone on the continent.
SMDH.

How to get rid of a Dragon

2019-05-16T09:33:00.000-05:00

One of the most obvious "problems" that needs resolution in this last episode of Game of Thrones is the dispostion of a giantic black dragon named Drogon. I think there are only three real contingencies:

serves as Daenerys's muscle in her reign of terror
gets killed
gets exiled

I suppose that "becomes King Jon's/Aegon's dragon" is theoretically possible, that seems to be a stretch, but the writers have pulled a few stunts to get themselves out of some tight quarters as the series winds down, so anything is possible. However, in this case, they really don't need to.

Daenerys's terror muscle

If Daenerys wins the Game of Thrones, then she'll need Drogon to keep the people in line. After all, she torched half of King's Landing or more killing Lannister soldiers and innocent men, women, children, dogs, cats, chickens, and horses alike. A very different "liberation" than smuggling weapons in to slaves so they could do a DIY revolution with the backing of her Unsullied. Whatever respect and gratitude she might have accrued fighting the Army of the Dead means nothing in King's Landing and with the Lannisters. There is no way this show ends with Daenerys on the Iron Throne, which means one of two things for her and for Drogon: death or exile.

Death

How in the Seven Heavens do you kill Drogon? Build a Scorpion, I suppose, but that seems like that's a little too pat. Maybe if it somehow ties in Gendry, who despite being a prince takes to the forge once again, although there must be some surviving smiths who built the many Scorpions that Drogon exploded with dragon fire. It would be plausible to set a trap where Daenerys is going to accept the surrender of King's Landing (she'll want to do it where everybody can see Drogon, not that they haven't had all they could possibly want to see already), and they pop him, and Jon condemns Daenerys do die and chops her head off with Longclaw. Actually, that wouldn't be too bad a way to do it, come to think of it. You have Grey Worm and the Unsullied and the Dothraki to deal with, but some variation like that might work. I don't think they'll go down that route, though.

Poison or Blood Magic or other some such

Samwell Tarley is the last Maester-ish character still alive, and holed up in Winterfell. Yes, there is that jackass at the Citadel, but he doesn't count. We haven't seen his sorry ass since season 6. I don't think that Daenerys and crew are going to go back to Winterfell, so if Jon needs Sam's help in figuring out some way to poison Drogon or throw black magic voodoo on him, they'll have to communicate via ravens. I suppose Sam could send the recipe to Jon via raven, and Tyrion gets the pyromancer to mix it up, and then they feed Drogon a poisoned cow or whatever. But, I don't think so.

Bran wargs Drogon

Last we saw, Bran was in Winterfell, so it would have been more plausible to warg Drogon up there, and I don't think that Drogon's coming back. Still, he's the Three Eyed Raven and might be able to warg Drogon from a distance. Then he could make him stand still while Jon or Arya or someone stabs him through the eye or makes him drown himself or fly himself to death. I was hoping to see Bran warg a dragon at some point, but with the logistics as they are, I don't see it happening.

Arya goes out like The Hound

If Arya kills Drogon, I think she goes down fighting. How does she kill Drogon? I don't know — maybe Gendry makes here a Valyrian steel spear or Valyrian steel tipped arrows? Drogon is the only big bad that's left in Arya's league, unless you want to count the Unsullied or what's left of the Dothraki horde, but that's too big a shark to jump. Sam coming up with a dragon soft-spot and Arya putting ordinance on target wouldn't be too outrageous. It would invoke Bard the Bowman taking out Smaug in The Hobbit. For all the screen time Arya has got shooting bows, I don't think she's shot a single person. What the hell was all that archery screen time for? If she goes the Bard the Bowman route, she wouldn't have to die. It might even work if Sam sends a raven telling Jon what the material it was on the Night King's spear that was so deadly to Viserion and they make a spear or arrows out of that. Either way, they could have a little drama, missed shots, carnage, and make it work.

Death by a thousand Cuts

We've seen that dragons in Game of Thrones are very tough, but they aren't invincible. When Drogon came back to save Daenerys as she was being attacked by the Sons of the Harpy in Meereen, he was severely wounded by spears, and the dragons seemed to suffer injuries at the hands of the wights at in the battle with the Army of the Dead at Winterfell. If they can keep him on the ground somehow (trap? trick Daenerys in chaining him up?), it's feasible that they just overwhelm him with spears and arrows and whatever else they can throw at him. Or, they could just drop a building on him and bury him in rubble because that's the uber cool way to take out a major big bad character in the most epic series in the history of TV. SMDH.

Exile

If you can't kill the dragon, can you get him to go away? Now, I don't think he can roam the hills and dales of Westeros. I mean, I think the logistics work, as he was roaming the hills and dales of Essos and while he ate his share of sheep and the occasional shepherd, he wasn't an existential threat to civilization. It wouldn't work from the storytelling perspective. What are we going to do with this dragon? Meh, just let him run around. Yeah, no.

Follow Daenerys into Exile

It's possible that some combination of combat, political maneuvering, heavy application of guilt trip, etc., that Daenerys could get convinced she needs to go back to Essos. It's not all that out of the question if they can show her that the locals hate her, the place she's conquered is ashes and rubble and not anywhere nice as her dominions in Essos where many folks do love her, and what is her obligation to the Unsullied and Dothraki? The Dothraki taking their spoils will not endear her to the locals any more than her burning people with Drogon did. Maybe we'll see that there is a managable number of Dothraki that Westerosi armies could finish them off, but one way or another they need to be dealt with. What they'd like the best would be to go back to the Great Grass Sea. It's not likely, but there might be a way to dispose of them without mayhem and slaughter. What am I saying? It's almost certainly mayhem and slaughter.

Jon Snow flies Drogon to Old Valyria

Jon can fly dragons, but it remains to be seen if he can fly Drogon. Maybe he can. One way to be rid of him would be to fly him over to the ruins of Old Valyria and let him roam free where the worst he'd do is toast the occasional Stone Man. It might get him out of king duties, which he would like.

Arya flies Drogon to Old Valyria as Daenerys

We haven't seen the face trick in a while, and there's only one episode to go. What if Arya took Daenerys's face? If she can fool Drogon — and I really can't think of any reason that she shouldn't — maybe she can fly Drogon to Essos, maybe with the Dothraki in tow, and maybe the Unsullied, too? It wouldn't have to be a one-way trip, but it could be. She could either go back to Braavos, maybe to become First Sword, or she could get ferried back by whoever shipped the Dothraki back (probably Yara Greyjoy). Arya going to Braavos in pursuit of First Sword status is the very best possible ending for her, so I know they won't think of it. Still, how cool would that be?

Trae Crowder's GoTdam Season 8 recaps collected for your viewing pleasure

2019-05-15T17:44:00.000-05:00

Fricking hilarious genius is an accurate description of Trae Crowder and his GoTdam Season 8 episode recaps are as erudite as they are funny. For whatever reason, my view on YouTube doesn't serve them up right, so I've collected 1 through 5 here to help you get caught up on all the action and for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy!
Episode 1:

Episode 2:

Episode 3:

Episode 4:

Episode 5:

The Game of Thrones Ending the Ghosts of Ned and Robert would Cook-up

2019-05-15T14:24:00.000-05:00

What does the future hold for Westeros? With only one episode left — just eighty minutes! — they've got a lot to wrap up. Since there is so little time left, I think we can safely say that Cersei died under that pile of rubble along with Jaime, and taking her out leaves only one megalomaniac left: Daenerys backed up by Drogon. Who are left who have a more-or-less conventional claim to the throne:

Daenerys
Jon Snow/Aegon Targaryen
Gendry Baratheon

Anyone else would have to take the throne by right of conquest, but they don't seem to have anyone queued to do that. This doesn't mean there won't be a big battle, just that the squabbling will be done by those with a claim.

Something that was not entirely clear in the last episode is whether or not Varys got the word out about Jon's true identity. Obviously some people know — Jon, Samwell Tarley, Bran the Three Eyed Raven, Sansa and Arya Stark — but that group is small enough and well-aligned enough that they could keep it a secret. Why would they want to do that? Given that you can take out Daenerys and Drogon — and they are getting taken out — how would, say the ghosts of Robert Baratheon and Ned Stark set up what would in their mind be the best arrangement for Westeros?

King Gendry Baratheon, First of his Name

Do the people of King's Landing really want a Targaryen sitting on the throne after a Targaryen burnt the city to the ground, killing who knows how many defenseless men, women, and children? Or, would they like to put the handsome son of jolly old King Robert on the throne and relive some days of peace, if not prosperity. But what the hell does Gendry know about being king? Nothing, but what the hell did Tommen or Joffrey or Robert for that matter know about being king when they ascended the throne? That doesn't matter, especially if you have good advisers. By my reckoning, there is exactly one adviser still alive who was both loyal and more or less clear-eyed and right in the counsel he provided: Ser Davos Seaworth, Hand of the King to Stannis Baratheon.

Ser Davos Seaworth, Hand of the King

Ser Davos is the obvious pick here. He's already put his neck on the line for Gendry by setting him free and his loyalty to Stannis might easily translate into loyalty to House Baratheon. Ser Davos was always adamant about the legitimacy of his claim, and Gendry has been given the Baratheon name is the rightful heir as Robert's only surviving son.

Queen Sansa Baratheon

By my reckoning, there are only three candidates still alive for consideration to marry to Gendry: Arya, Sansa, and Yara Greyjoy. I don't know if all of that Arya-in-the-mayhem in episode 5 was to set up some epiphany that she needs to woman up and do her duty to family and country and marry a lord (or king), but I don't think so. Yara, while a great character on GoT would be a strategic blunder, since now that the Iron Fleet is destroyed, the Iron Islands aren't worth anything to the realm. So, that leaves Sansa, and with the story back where it started to go, joining houses Baratheon and Stark by marrying Sansa to a future Baratheon king.

Lord Jon Stark, Warden of the North

There must always be a Stark in Winterfell, and the way to do that is to have King Gendry grant Jon the Stark name and make him Warden in the North. Although there would be some bad blood with some of the Northmen about his renouncing his title of King in the North, its plausible that having Daenerys's troops and dragons was somehow decisive in the battle against the Night King and the Army of the Dead. Recall, that the only living people who actually saw what happend was Bran and Arya. It would be satisfying to see Jon rebuilding Winterfell and the North, with Ghost by his side.

Jon Snow, Freefolk

As an alternative, after killing Daenerys and possibly Drogon, I could see Jon saying "enough!" and head north to hang with Tormund and Ghost. That would be equally, or perhaps more satisfying than seeing him back at Winterfell.

Samwell Tarley, "Maester" of Winterfell

It's conceivable that they could restore House Tarley, but why? Just because he's Jon's friend? I don't think so. It's more likely that he stays on at Winterfell as its "Maester" in quotes because of the whole Gilly dynamic. I could see Jon letting Sam fill the Master role, but marry Gilly and give little same the Tarley name.

Samwell Tarley, Freefolk

Alternatively, Sam, Gilly, and little Sam could head north to live with the Freefolk, but if they were going to do that, they could have gone with Tormund and Ghost. Still, if Jon decides to go, you could see Sam deciding to go with him.

Ser Brienne of Tarth, Lord Commander of the Kingsguard (Queensguard)

If there is a Queen Sansa, then I put my money on there being a Lord Commander Brienne. How couldn't there be? The whole Jaime going back to Cersei was a storytelling disaster, IMO, but the psycho-emotional damage to Brienne's character is done, what better place for her than back in the Kingsguard where the rules are simple and she has no one to bother her?

Lord Tyrion Lannister, Warden of the West

We can only hope that Tyrion does something smart, clever, or useful in the series finale, but even if he doesn't, I think he winds up back at Casterly Rock. There is an off chance that he and Sansa are still married or will get remarried, but I think this unlikely. That doesn't mean it wouldn't make sense, because the rift between House Lannister and House Stark is much wider than anything between Stark and Baratheon. Closing that rift would go a long way in healing Westeros.

Arya Stark, Winterfell Crypt Statue

There is, of course, a chance that Arya Stark may survive the series. She may have some sort of epiphany while running around or getting trampled the mayhem of the destruction of King's Landing for a seeming third of episode 5 and will deign to have herself married off to Gendry or Tyrion, but I don't think that's likely — she's been pretty adamant about what she is or isn't. I think she's going to go out like The Hound, taking the big bad with her.

Arya Stark, Daenerys Targaryen

The dragon in the rubble is, of course, Drogon. With Daenerys taken out, they can't have a dragon flying free in Westeros. How in the Sam Hill are they going to take him out? It would be pretty lame for them to come across a Scorpion that just happened to be lying around, although I supposed they could build another one at some point, but what if it's Arya's fate to take Daenerys's face to fake out Drogon and then to fly him to exhaustion over the ocean or to Old Valyria? It would be a cool last scene to see Arya somewhere in Essos where someone recognizes her as Khaleesi and she removes the face and says, "that's not me, I'm Arya Stark!" after having deposited Drogon in Old Valyria. Maybe with Yara Greyjoy coming to pick her up in the background. That's how I'd do it!

S8E3 The Long Night

2019-05-14T15:15:00.000-05:00

The Long Night was an excellent and satisfying third episode in this eighth season. It was not, however, perfect, but spectacle and emotion carried a few eye rollers away from TV chucking WTF frustration. We'll go into some of those. If you haven't seen the episode, and you don't like spoilers, don't read this until after you watch.

Game of Thrones loves its tropes

It does seem that Game of Thrones gotta Game of Throne — they have been hammering their tropes pretty consistently and well. None of the eye rollingness comes from adhering to classic story patterns. For instance, this episode provided a first prediction whiff about the fate of Theon Greyjoy. I thought he was beyond redemption, and would live for his sins, apparently the writers disagreed and sent him away with a noble death, accepted home, redeemed. In hindsight, I should have taken the obvious and tender moments with him eating with Sansa as a clue that Theon would, in fact, be redeemed, as Sansa had clearly forgiven him his sins.

However, in the case of Lyanna Mormont, I went with the "don't pet Bitey McBitedog" trope, and, alas, was sad to see that come to pass. It was interesting to hear the writers talk about how she was originally a one episode character, but the actress, Bella Ramsey, did such a spectacular job in the role of Lyanna Mormont, that they kept her around and eventually she became such a presence and fan favorite that she got a major death scene. Rest in peace, our heroine of the North.

Game of Thrones remembers

If somebody says something on Game of Thrones, it's generally for a reason. Predictions, arguments, mysterious statements, etc., can't be ignored if you're trying to figure out where things are going. One instance where I used the pattern, but was wrong was in Bran would ride a dragon because of the old Three Eyed Raven said "… you will fly." I took this to mean physically, but he's flown as the Three Eyed Raven possessing the bodies of any number of ravens. Part of this prejudice comes from going straight there the second the old Three Eyed Raven said it because of the special saddle Tyrion designed that allowed Bran to ride. No dragon airlift, needed, turns out.

Melisandre and Beric Dondarrion

It might seem like a risk to just have Melisandre riding up out of the night at the last minute, but it would have been really weird if she had not been there if they had managed to take out the Night King through some other plot line. Obviously, in the one we got she was essential. With Beric Dondarrion, this was their battle — the light against the darkness — and the arc of their characters lead to this conclusion. Her arrival, followed by her setting all the Dothraki arakhs on fire was pitch perfect. What followed immediately thereafter, however… ugh, Westerosi strategy and tactics leave much to be desired. More on that later. But more than most, Melisandre and Beric Dondarrion played essential roles in The Long Night.

When Daenerys goes off script and attacks the Army of the Dead, she gets caught in the whiteout created by the White Walkers and cannot see the signal to set the barricade on fire. Melisandre calls on the Lord of Light to set it on fire, and he obliges, buying Team Living™ much needed time. When Arya is getting overwhelmed by wights, Beric Dondarrion throws his flaming sword into the attacker, allowing her to escape. These two events Arya to be reunited with Melisandre, so Melisandre could guide Arya to her epiphany.

The show, in hindsight, gave plenty of indication that the interaction between Melisandre and Arya would be decisive in the outcome of the The Long Night. Arya recalled Melisandre's prophesies, and Melisandre pointed out that they came true. Finally, Melisandre leads Arya to the idea of whacking the Night King herself with "And blue eyes?" and sending Arya on her way by asking what Syrio Forel asked her long ago, "What do we say to the god of death?" Arya: "Not today." The fear in her face is replaced by determination and off she runs to her destiny.

I won't go into the details, but merely observe that Melisandre's departure was perfect and beautiful and thanks for us having been set up in an earlier episode makes perfect sense. Question is now, what's motivating Ser Davos now his nemesis is gone?

Arya

In a way, this was the culmination of Arya's coming of age story. It seemed a little strange at the time when Arya went from mowing down wights with abandon to almost incapable of action, but in hindsight and with a second viewing it makes more sense — injured, tired, overwhelmed, wights and death everywhere — who wouldn't be? I'm still trying to figure out what was going on in the library and why that scene was necessary. Why were those wights just moseying around instead of running around like the rest of the wights? It seemed like a lot of screen time, and for what, I am not sure. But, in combination with her hook-up with Gendry, her fear and vulnerability have very quickly (re-)humanized her — she's got some of the old Arya Stark back, and can still pretty much whip anyone one-on-one, and, if you don't see her coming, you do not have a chance. And, in overcoming the fear that has gripped her to go and face the Night King, well, that's the definition of heroism. Our little girl has grown up!

I think I am going to have to revisit my Arya Stark prediction in light of new evidence. Three things come to mind. The first is that there may be something developing between her and Gendry, and that can't be for nothing with three episodes to go. Second, they spent a lot of time on her emotional Sturm und Drang between the time she stopped fighting after she got hurt, the time in the library (WTF?), and finally weeping over dying Beric Dondarrion. That all may just have been a set-up for her "rebirth" after Melsandre helps her find her path, but it could have been done in fewer scenes and not at the expense of Samwell finding some good wizard shit up in the Maester's chambers, dadgummit. And third, they spent a lot of time on Beric and the Hound saving Arya and getting her to Melisandre (even if that's not what they were necessarily meaning to do). It sure has the feeling of getting the Arya-Hound team back together. If they get the team back together, if a teammate dies, it's out on mission. Hold your hand up if you want to see Arya and the Hound go on a mission? (Holds up hand)

Guess who else besides the Night King tried that weaksauce grab-the-hand-with-the-blade trick with Arya? Brienne of Tarth!

Game of Thrones remembers!

Ser Jorah Mormont

I was surprised that Ser Jorah went out before the showdown with Cersei or a Jon/Daenerys conflagration, but I am not surprised that it was by her side — it had to be, right? If this is the episode he had to exit, this is about as good a way to do it. It will be interesting to see the Daenerys-small council interaction post-Ser Jorah.

Samwell Tarley WTF? Seriously, WTF?

It was stupid in Episode 2, it was stupider in Episode 3. What in Seven Hells was Samwell Tarley doing "fighting" the Army of the Dead? Why wasn't he boarded up and barricaded in the Maester's chambers trying to find some advantage in books along with Gilly and little Sam? Now, I'm sure that there would have been plenty of opportunities to get whacked in any number of ways, but the one particular way that Dolorous Ed got whacked was because Samwell is such a slack-ass on the battlefield. This is some seriously bad karma. If they're keeping him around, I guess it's to make him King Jon's, First of his Name, King of the Seven Kingdoms, Defender of the Realms of Men, titles… titles… Maester and to sit on his small council. SMDH.

S8E5 The Bells

2019-05-13T21:53:00.000-05:00

The Bells was certainly a spectacular episode, but it did not fail to deliver its share of WTF moments. I get a bit (OK, a metric booty ton) of cognitive dissonance when I think of what the conversation between David Benioff and DB Weiss might have been before committing to a script.

Benioff: So, DB, how should Qyburn go out?

Weiss: I was thinking that maybe The Mountain should throw him down some stairs after he says something that The Mountain doesn't like!

Benioff: FTW awesome!

Weiss: So, Dave, how should Cersei go out?

Benioff: I was thinking that she should go out in the embrace of her reconciled brother-lover Jaime as the Red Keep collapses on them.

Weiss: FTW awesomer!

Really? Cersei Lannister — the heretofore ultimate player in the Game of Thrones — just watches impotently while Daenerys burns TF out of King's Landing, then goes and dies in the embrace of her brother who she marked for assassination by having the ceiling fall in on her? No tricks at all up her sleeve? She's just going to sit by and watch Drogon destroy all of the defenses of King's Landing, then set the whole city on fire with a nuclear blast that sunders stone buildings like Robin Arryn's foot kicking Sansa's snow castle and wait to get TF out of Dodge only when Drogon starts to knock down the Red Keep? Only to die with the Red Keep falling on her head while she holds the reconciled Jaime in her arms? Cersei deserved better. She could have at least have been forced to hold Jaime as he died in her arms and lose the last thing she cared about before having the ceiling fall in.

Arya and The Hound

I had hoped that we'd see Arya and The Hound off on an adventure and/or mission, and while that didn't happen on screen, they did travel the thousand plus miles from Winterfell to King's Landing together, presumably stopping off at The Crossroads for some stew and ale and to catch up with Hot Pie. We got another twist in Arya's bildungsroman development with Sandor warning her off the path she's on, and her calling "Sandor… thank you" showed that she may likely heed it. Does this mean Gendry is back in play? Or, does Daenerys get on her list, which now looks like it has some magical get someone else to do the dirty work sauce on it? Arya will make it to the final episode, but I don't know if she'll make it through the whole thing. Maybe she'll marry Gendry for the good of the family and her cousin Jon Snow/Aegon Targaryen?

Varys

It's not surprising that Varys died, but how he went was a little confusing. Why did he burn the note letting people know that Jon Snow is really Aegon Targaryen? How is that for the good of the realm? It's possible he couldn't guess that Daenerys wasn't as vengeful as she turned out to be, and simply miscalculated. He surely knew she would kill him, so why did he stay to be killed? If he couldn't serve Jon, he could no longer serve the realm? Seems unlikely. Tired of the game? Perhaps. Touching scene between Varys and Tyrion at the end was a nice way to say goodbye to a favorite character.

Cleganebowl

While it was easy to predict that Cleganebowl would happen, it wasn't so easy to say how it would go down. What they came up with was well done, and while it would have been nice to see The Hound find some way to win and survive, the outcome was ultimately satisfying.

Euron Greyjoy

Euron getting taken out by Jaime works, but the serendipity of the encounter was weird and it relied on the suspension of disbelief breaking idea that Westerosi can swim in boots, armor, with swords and daggers strapped to them, etc. Still, it worked pretty well, if you squint.

Arya in the mayhem

They devoted an enormous amount of time focused on Arya suffering in the chaos of the destruction King's Landing, and on the interaction between her and the mother who helped her up and saved her from being trampled and her daughter. She won't take the torching by Daenerys of the mother-daughter pair she tried to help lightly, but I don't see how Arya can take out the Night King and Daenerys — they won't steal that thunder from Jon Snow. But Drogon, however…

Whither Drogon?

It's going to be pretty hard for the writers to pull a "ha-ha, just kidding!" for Daenerys and I don't see how she can win. There are two options as far as I can see: 1) she dies or 2) she goes back to somewhere across the Narrow Sea, perhaps Meereen or Vaes Dothrak to live with the Dosh Khaleen. The space among those options for bringing a dragon with you, especially a fully-operational nuclear hellfire breather like Drogon, is limited. It seems it would be a stretch that Jon could just use his half-Targaryen charm to get Drogon to follow him after his mother Daenerys dies or ships off across the Narrow Sea. Him dying of heartbreak might be plausible if he were up north in the middle of winter, since they've already hinted that dragons don't do well in the cold.

What are we going to do with all these Dothraki?

It's one thing to have a bunch of Unsullied left over after Daenerys's exit (although Grey Worm seems to have developed some issues after the execution of Missandei), it's quite another to have a bunch of Dothraki rampaging across Westeros. Although a good many of them were lost to the Army of the Dead, there certainly were a bunch of them rampaging through King's Landing in this episode — enough to cause an intolerable amount of mayhem in Westeros especially now that winter has come. Maybe Daenerys tells (or someone otherwise convinces (um, Tyrion, lookin' at you, champ!)) Kovarro, who as far as I know is her only surviving bloodrider, to take the khalasar back across the Narrow Sea to the Great Grass Sea where they can go back to doing their Dothraki thing. They have a lot of loose ends to wrap up — could they really just, meh, hope that the audience doesn't notice a few thousand Dothraki Screamers just don't show up in Episode 6? Speaking of which…

There are a lot of loose ends to tie up

To go full Strunk, let me a third time say, there are a lot of loose ends to tie up. Although it's clearly impossible to attempt to enumerate them all here (because there are so goddamned many), let's go over a few that particularly come to mind.

Gendry Baratheon

Although there have been signs, the Daenerys Targaryen train really started going off the rails after she gave Gendry the Baratheon name. She did something noble and fair and probably stupid if Gendry could put 2 and 2 together, and everybody paid attention to the "former" King in the North Jon Snow. As Jonathan Abner Tobias Pissoff might have observed (in the sight of the new gods and the old), boy, did that peee-eee-eee-ees her off! I don't think that they elevate Gendry just to propose to Arya just to have her rebuff him. It would be an interesting full circle to unite House Baratheon and House Stark per Robert's original vision. Could go down two ways…

Ser Davos Seaworth

They can't be continuing to sling face time for Ser Davos only to set up smuggling plots that failed because the contraband gets crushed under keep that a dragon knocked down. Or, maybe they can. It would seem, however, that his loyalty should lie with Gendry…

Yara Greyjoy

With Euron dispatched, Yara would seem to be the pretty much undisputed front-runner for the queen of the Iron Islands, but what role does she have in the Game of Thrones endgame? No hint given at this point.

King's Landing

Forget the endgame aspects of the story, what about the annihilation of a city of a million or more by fire and sword and spear as winter has come in Westeros? There's going to be a lot of clean up needed, bodies burned, etc., and now we have the whole armies outside who just helped a crazy woman on a giant black dragon kill women, children, babies, old folks, kittens, gerbils, puppies, goldfish, whateves, on the one side and all the people still left alive on the other. It's obvious that they "surrender", but the aftermath has got to be messy. It will be interesting to see how they wave this one away.

Casterly Rock and House Lannister

Tyrion is still alive, but it's an end what needs tying.

Bronn

Tyrion promised Bronn the Reach. Will he be in a position to pay his debt? If not, what happens? Bronn is mercenary, but he's also reasonable.

Other characters lying about

Ser Brienne of Tarth
Samwell Tarley, Gilly, and little Sam
Grey Worm

Endgame

And, with all of that, everything has to get wrapped up in 80 minutes? This is going to be something to see. A lot can happen if Bran wargs into Drogon…

Westerosi Body Count: Let the mayhem begin!

2019-04-28T13:15:00.000-05:00

Battle of Winterfell promises mayhem galore. Does it go down in Episode 3?

Photo: Peter Hershey

Let the mayhem begin! I think the prediction that the mayhem will begin this evening in Episode 3 is a pretty safe one, but I really have no idea how it's going to go down. An intriguing possibility is that the Night King has split his forces and is moving past Winterfell to march on King's Landing to expand his forces before attacking the combined armies at Winterfell in force. A sacked King's Landing would set up the realization of the vision Daenerys had in the House of the Undying where she was walking through the Red Keep with a destroyed roof with snow falling onto the floor.

Night King sacks King's Landing?

What would the sacking of King's Landing entail? I think that it would be killing off most of the residents and adding them to the Army of the Dead. However, Cersei and crew (including the Mountain) will escape with Euron Greyjoy and retreat to the Iron Islands with the Iron Fleet.

This is an interesting idea (I didn't come up with it, btw), and would make for a nice twist. But I don't see how, from a storytelling perspective, they unwind all of the preparation, the focus on the crypt, the campfire songs, etc., if there isn't some major mayhem at Winterfell this episode. Now, I have some ideas who may it this episode, and we'll get to that, but first I have a hunch that a certain something will happen.

Old Three Eyed Raven's prediction

Recall the old Three Eyed Raven's answer to Bran's question of whether he'll ever walk again. It was: "No, but you'll fly." Well, he hasn't flown. Yet. Why did Bran refuse to be taken into the crypt, preferring instead to be in the Godswood by the Weirwood tree? Is it, perhaps, that the crypts are warded and if Bran, who bearing the mark of the Night King would break that ban were he to be in there? That really would not be that much of a stretch, since we know that things can be warded against the dead and the White Walkers (the Wall and the old Weirwood tree where the old Three Eyed Raven lived before Bran broke its ward with the mark).

Does Bran take wing?

Why is it so important that the Night King take out Bran aka the Three Eyed Raven? Sure, he can see what was and what will be, but so what? How does that affect the Night King? What has Bran actually done that was of any use? So far, he's managed to get himself crippled, screw up Hodor, get the mark of the Night King on him, getting Summer, Meera and Jojen Reed, Hodor, and the old Three Eyed Raven killed, and revealed that Jon Snow is really Aegon Targaryen which will be at best good news for some and not so good for others. Bran must have some trick up his sleeve, some bigger role to play other than just being bait, whether he yet knows it or not. Maybe Sam has one more role to play in revealing what the trick is… Anyway, it's apparent that the Night King is coming for Bran. But, he can't have him just yet. Which sets up his last minute rescue by Jon on Rhaegal. I don't remember off hand who is going to the Godswood to protect Bran, but I don't think it ends well for most of them.

End of the Night King?

On the other hand, we have a lot of loose ends to tie up. Is this the end of the Night King and the Army of the Dead? That would leave 3 episodes to recover from the battle, move on Kings Landing, deal with Cersei, Euron, Cleganebowl, etc. A lot can happen in three episodes, but there seems to be a lot that still needs to happen if the story is to have a satisfying conclusion.

People who have been set up to die

One thing Episode 2 did was to set up a number of characters to make their exit. These aren't so much predictions as observation of Game of Thrones patterns. Let's take a look who they threw under the GoT bus, shall we?

Lyanna Mormont

Game of Thrones loves marrying consequences with decisions, and one of the decisions that our feisty Northern warrior woman made was to fight with her men rather than shelter in the crypts against the advice of her uncle Jorah. She's been told the dog bites, but she's going to pet it anyway.

Ser Brienne of Tarth

Jaime knighting Brienne finally knocked that chip off her shoulder that was keeping her from being fully one of the gang, as it were. Previously, she had two modes: in service or aloof. She showed signs of lightening up, working with Podrick and sparring with Arya, but the crying and smiling release of her former self sure seems like a way of arcing toward a conclusion that does not end well. Dying in Jaime's arms sure seems like where that arc is heading.

Gendry

He's forged the dragon glass weapons and he's made love to Arya, so unless they're going to try to put him on the Iron Throne, he may safely be disposed of, not that we want to see him go. Having Arya fly into beserker overdrive after watching Gendry go down would be a welcome use of a that familiar trope.

Ser Davos Seaworth, the Onion Knight

By sending the girl with scars on her face reminiscent of Shireen Baratheon's greyscale scars to the crypt and possibly saving her, he may pay for her life with his. This is a Game of Thrones theme that is repeated and made expressedly clear in the episodes with Jaqen H'ghar and Arya's time with the Faceless Men. Only death can pay for life. This is not seem absolute, but what is the point of that scene if it wasn't to set something up? In this case, it may be setting up the death of Ser Davos.

Beric Dondarrion

The fight against the Night King and the Army of the Dead is Beric Dondarrion's raison d'être. Thoros of Myr and Melisandre are not around to bring him back this time. He'll go down, but he'll take a bunch with him. I think this is a lock.

Samwell Tarley

What in Sam Hill is Sam going to do out fighting with the warriors? Unless he has some trick up his sleeve, I don't see how this ends well for him. What can he do? Sam seems to be too important of a character just to snuff out in a pointless battle scene, so I'm not predicting his demise just yet, but it will be very interesting to see how they square this circle. Maybe it's as simple as him retreating to the Maester's library to look up the hack that's needed in a book…

Tormund Giantsbane

Tormund took his best shot at trying to woo Brienne, but his overtures just made her eyes roll. However, without Tormund asking why a woman can't be a knight (oh those crazy libertarian Freefolk!), Jaime would have never thought to knight Brienne. Would that put a possible relationship in play? I doubt it. More likely, it will just provide a little more emotional energy as she says some words over his dead and perhaps burning body, should she live to see that. However, there aren't any other leaders of the Freefolk running around, and they may need to keep Tormund around to lead them to the lands just South of the wall to start a new life — if the war is won.

Arya

If the Night King goes down — perhaps by Arya's hand — who else is left that requires her special skills to take out? The big-bads that would be left on the table would be Daenerys, Cersei, and the Mountain, and maybe a dragon or two. I think Jaime has dibs on Cersei and the Hound has dibs on the Mountain, and if he's not killed first by Daenerys, Jon has dibs on her. I can't see how they would spin things to have her go after a dragon. Who else is worth using the face trick one more time? I could see using her to clear the path for Jaime and the Hound to get to Cersei and the Mountain and I could see where those three are charged with the mission to infiltrate wherever Cersei's holed up and take her out (and who wouldn't like to see the Hound and Arya back on the road?) It would be kind of an interesting twist if Daenerys charged Jorah to take out Cersei after she's fled King's Landing as a Targaryen calling for the assassination of an exiled Baratheon. Face it: there is probably nobody left in the show whose death could generate as much gut-wrenching sorrow, wailing, and gnashing of teeth than Arya's. I don't know if it's this episode, but I don't see how the writers pass on all of that emotional energy.

Exploding glass bubble cars for safety

2019-04-28T09:02:00.000-05:00

A friend recently reminded me that I have been advocating a very important public safety policy for twenty years or more. Before we get into the policy specifics, let us review the problem: maniacs behind the wheel. Now, most people aren't born maniac, but become maniacs when empowered by multiple hundred horsepower cars with seat belts and airbags that can cruise at a hundred miles and hour or more. People are always crashing these things. Now, I wouldn't necessarily mind someone crashing if that's all there were to it, but that's almost never the case. You have back-ups and you get stuck on the interstate and are made an hour late and you miss the first pitch and first thousand beers for only three bucks line (sells out quickly, I can tell you!). The solution is pretty elegant, and should lead to fewer accidents and much cheaper cars: exploding glass bubble cars. That's exactly what it sounds like: a car with a glass bubble exterior that explodes when it gets into a wreck. If all cars are guaranteed to kill you if you wreck them, then no more will that jacknozzle in the Dodge Challenger be tailgating you at 70 MPH on the connector! No more of "that guy" speeding up to pass you only to cut in front of you and slam on the breaks to make the exit. Man, do I hate "that guy"! And I bet you do, too.

Exploding glass bubble cars have additional societal effects as well. For instance, we won't need a highway patrol or any traffic law enforcement or traffic courts. What will all of those people do you ask? Whatever the hell they want — my Fight for Fifty policy will allow them to do whatever they want for a hundred grand a year, which will likely be a raise for most of those folks.

The automotive industry has been slowly coming around to my ideas even as its subtle elegance eludes public policy makers (hardly surprising to any reader of Ambrose Bierce, e.g.). Some Japanese car makers have been installing defective airbags, which is a good start. This approach, however, only works if you know that the airbag is going to kill you if it deploys, and thus acts as a fairly severe punishment with no possibility for behavior modification. While I haven't gotten a formal endorsement from anyone in the automotive industry, I have heard that they're pretty excited about cost reductions that not having to worry about any safety features included in car construction might bring.

Elon Musk in his own innovative way has come up with the preemptively self-destructing car:

That approach should help cut down on total miles driven and help with sales of replacement cars, but I really don't think it's the answer to get people to drive more carefully.

What's one more clown in the car? I'm running for president!

2019-04-27T20:37:00.000-05:00

What's one more clown in the car? Apparently there is no limit.

Photo: Levi Saunders

The least surprising thing that's happened recently is that Pappa Joe Biden has thrown his hat into the ring. Or, perhaps better, put on his clown hat and climbed into the car with the rest of the Democratic circus clowns. Will Rogers, who once said "I'm not a member of any organized political party… I'm a Democrat!", would recognize the party of today as a parody of its chaotic self back in his day. My Old Whiggish self is not a Democrat (though I may register as one to vote for myself in Florida primary), but not being a Dem doesn't mean you can't run for the top of the Democratic ticket. Cf. Bernie Sanders, who according to people with skin in the game are putting more money on Sanders than Paw-Paw Joe (though admittedly not by much). But Bernie is a honeymoon-in-Russia "democratic" socialist and registered independent and most definitely not a big D Democrat a la Barack Obama or Hillary Rodham Clinton or Paw-Paw Joe. But this is not about them — this is about me running for POTUS.

Platform and promises

Like any good Democratic candidate, I have to have a platform. Now, if this were a run against serious people, I would pretty much crib Jim Webb's 2016 platform and be done with it. But with Bernie in the race, everybody has to do the cray-cray in the primaries, because the HuffPo addicts and Maddow acolytes need to be appeased in the primaries before issuing the Nelson "Ha-ha!" and running to the center in the general election. No, in the primaries, you have to make up crazy improbable shit and run with it like you mean it. Ok. Let's go!

Brown New Deal

We've all heard about the flatulent cow eliminating Green New Deal that pretty much everyone has signed on for, though no one can actually say what it really means. If I just do what everyone else is doing, there can't be any differentiation. This is where the Brown New Deal comes in. The BND is not fully formed (cf GND), but it generally centers around being rewarded for knowledge and karaoke proficiency focused on Ween. If elected, any citizen may petition to be interviewed and if they can sing any Ween song accurately and reasonably close to in tune (as determined by me, the President of the United States), they can have a keg party that runs from noon to 8PM or so on the White House lawn for them and fifty guests. Dean and Gene Ween can have access to the Lincoln bedroom in exchange for concerts performed on the Mall.

Fight for Fifty!

I really don't get the Fight for Fifteen. It shows a distinct lack of ambition and imagination. Why fifteen? Why not fifty? Work 2000 hours and that's One… Hundred… Thousand dollars! If 100k$ isn't a living wage, then we have some serious inflationary issues. Thanks, John Maynard Keynes!

Criminal Justice Reform

Think about it. Why is every single person in a prison or jail in there? Because there is a prison or jail to put them in. No prisons, no prisoners. It's as simple as that. Eliminate the carceral state by eliminating law enforcement. Easy peasy. No need to worry about lost jobs because Fight for Fifty.

Foreign Policy

In normal wonk mode I would be working hard to get Tulsi Gabbard to be my SecDef (didn't see that coming, did you! The Jim Webb reference was a clue, btw.), but we're loading up into the frickin' clown car, so I need to do something to differentiate myself from the rest of the pack in FP. You would think that people running for POTUS would have some notion about the role of the POTUS, but, as reflected in my domestic policy prescriptions, some of the things I've prescribed are actually the purview of Congress (Article 1) and not the POTUS (Article 2). I can't go aloha y aloha with Tulsi, so my foreign policy will be to threaten countries with nuclear hellfire if they don't on their own dime host free Ween concerts. How awesome is that?

Mandatory self-evaluation and identification

One of the biggest problems we have is that children are oppressed by "evaluation" by tests and measures that suffer from any number of systemic intersectional issues that are injected by the phallocracy against the will of God, Ween, and Satan. If you cross God, Ween, and Satan, then you get on my platform. Combined with my Fight for Fifty, which means no teacher can't bring home at least 100k$, allowing children to assign their own grades unshackles the chains of patriarchy from the wrists and ankles of the age disadvantaged.

College degree birth bonds

If college degrees are so important, why don't we just issue them to children at birth? Leave the particular major blank and let them fill it in when they come of the age and gender of their choosing. I really don't understand why any of this is hard.

Account-free ATMs and credit cards

Even though Fight for Fifty pretty much guarantees anyone 100k$ per year, that still might not be enough. If elected POTUS, I will issue credit cards that are not tied to any account. You just use them and they work. Similarly, for people who like to use cash, we will have ATMs that will issue cash on demand in any amount. This way, everyone will have however much money they need.

Appointments

The POTUS is just one person, even if they are non-binary and prefer they as a pronoun. At least, one physical body. Other physical bodies are required to run a government, so when you vote for the POTUS, you are voting for the appointments as well. I will share.

Kim Kardashian: Minister of Social Justice

This was so teed up for Donald Trump, but what do you expect? I know that my platform pretty much looks like it deals with most Social Justice issues, but, bruh, phallocracy. Kim will have our collective backs.

Dennis Rodman: Ambassador to North Korea

Nuclear hellfire should be reserved for making opportunities for free Ween concerts, not whatever in Sam Hill we're getting in pissing matches with people who live on 800 kCal per day. The Worm will let us contemplate Doctor Rock.

Doctor Rock. You're welcome!

Rambozo the Clown: Destroyer of Worlds

Since people despise Tulsi's aloha, I am compelled to believe that continuation of Bush, Obama, and Clinton policies is what everybody really wants. OK. Let's kill 'em all and let God sort them out. W00t!

Jason Momoa: Aquaman

Nuff said!

S8E2: A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms

2019-04-22T17:06:00.000-05:00

Season 8's second episode A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms is behind us and while it was somewhat satisfying, the lack of carnage and mayhem was certainly surprising. Although the remaining episodes will each clock in at 80 minutes and more, there are only four left leaving only the time you'd have for 5 1/3 normal episodes, and there is a lot to get sorted out if there is going to be a satisfying conclusion to the story.

Arya and Gendry bau chicka bau bau

Some folks were surprised by the Arya-Gendry hook-up. I was not (after the eye making in the last episode, it was inevitable), and although it was as tastefully done as you can do something like that, I'm wondering what it all means. As an aside, I will admit it was a little awkward watching Arya getting (modestly) naked since I've always had a "that's my little girl" kind of affection for the character, even as she became a sadistic ninja death assassin, which you don't generally hope is your little girl's career choice. I will likely throw the TV out the window if the only "point" was to get Arya laid before she dies. No, that doesn't make any sense, but then Bronn and Jaime running a mile underwater in armor didn't make any sense either. I'm still trying to read the emotion in her expression as she's lying in bed with Gendry. Maybe it's just as simple as being afraid.

Arya, The Hound, and Beric Dondarrion

This was an interesting little scene, which I think amounts to Arya just letting them know she's taken them off her list. She casually takes a snort of The Hound's hooch without wincing, which further let's us know our little girl has grown up. Her disgust with their moroseness was a little harsh and a missed opportunity I think — the Arya/Hound dynamic was some of the very best in the whole show, and it would be nice to see a little more of that old magic again.

Sam, again with the books

Despite how much I want it (and I really want it (stamps feet)), I don't actually think that Sam is going to uncork some wizardly pyromantic awesomeness. But, he did mention the damn books again. I don't know any of the Game of Thrones folks personally, but if they wanted to drive me batshit insane, dangling a fully operational fire wizard in front of me then dropping the Nelson Ha! Ha! as they wizard-block me would be a really effective way to do it.

Sam gives Heartsbane to Jorah Mormont

Whether in the slave pits, or taking out a Dothraki screamer, Jorah Mormont has demonstrated many times that he's a thoroughly competent ass wrecker. He didn't go through all that Greyscale treatment just to die in a "well, there goes Jorah" scene. He's loaded with a Valyrian steel sword. I don't think he gets taken out by the Army of the Dead, but his end will be somewhere by Daenerys's side.

Jorah tells Daenerys to stick with Tyrion

One of the hallmarks of Game of Thrones is people giving other people absolutely shit advice, however well-meaning. Will this turn out to be shit advice? I don't think so — I think Tyrion is poised for a comeback. It may not save Daenerys, though.

Sansa goes to Arya's tailor

Sansa is looking very badass in her leather death ninja getup. You get the feeling that Sansa probably would whip Daenerys mano y mano. She's getting her regal on. If you told me midway through Season 1 that I'd be rooting for Sansa in the end, I would have laughed out loud.

Sansa and Theon

Sansa was a little more affectionate with Theon than I would have expected. Maybe it's some sort of bonding over their shared brutalization at the hands of Ramsay Bolton. A little is certainly OK, but in no way in seven hells can they put Theon and Sansa together as some sort of romantic interest. OMG, I just can't. Really, I just can't. I hate that I could even contemplate this.

Jaime knights Brienne

Alas. Awesome, touching scene, although the fricking stupid-but-funny bit with Tormund not able to chug his beer without spilling it all over himself tainted it a little for me. Suspension of disbelief issues: Tormund fricking knows how to chug his ale/mead/beer whateves. I would imagine the Freefolk would fight — or issue vicious taunts — over wasting so much brew via inept chuggery. Anyway, the knighting ceremony sets up, methinks, the big, weepy Brienne dying in Jaime's arms scene as Tormund looks on compassionately. However, if Brienne makes it out alive against the Army of the Dead, the roles could be reversed where Brienne holds Jaime as he dies, perhaps killed by The Mountain after he takes out Cersei.

Cleganebowl is the safest Game of Thrones bet I can imagine

2019-04-18T17:55:00.000-05:00

Every dog has his day.

Photo: Gabriel Jimenez

With Game of Thrones ramping up to wind down, one of the predictions that I think you can make with high confidence is that there will be the Cleganebowl. This trope is so powerful, I just can't see a twist satisfying enough to justify not having Gregor/The Mountain have his comeuppance at the hands of Sandor/The Hound. Could you imagine if they screwed it up? There would be rioting in the streets that made the French Yellow Vests look like convention for duplicate bridge players.

It's funny how some things just have to come to pass, while others can be left as an out-of-the-blue surprise. Was Arya and Gendry making eyes at each other necessary? No, but it was an interesting surprise. Did Ramsay Bolton have to get eaten by his own dogs. Yes, yes, and oh hells yes. If he'd realized the error of his ways, came into the Light of the Seven™, and lived a quiet and pious life with his reconciled Lady Sansa at the Dreadfort, renamed Wokefort Center for Social Justice, you would have picked up your TV (device, whateves) and hucked it through the window while weaving a tapestry of obscenity and making the cat flee the room in abject terror.

Where there is some wiggle room in the story is Cersei. While I predict she'll die at Jaime's hand, I could see other conclusions that could be satisfying if that didn't happen (e.g., her ruling over nothing, getting shipped off to a nunnery, stewing in the dungeon while Sansa rules, who knows? Jon could win (meh) or lose in any number of ways and the ending could be satisfying. But no Cleganebowl? No way.

Political Parties in the US and Westeros

2019-04-18T16:25:00.000-05:00

Preamble

In this Age of Trump™, many people have become triggerable by any number of perceived slights, outrages, microaggressions, macroaggressions, cats of questionable behavior, bad dogs, wily stoats, ferrets that have run off the rails, bad toupées, the continued existence of the Bill of Rights and other Constitutional "artefacts" considered whimsical, passé, evil, outmoded, crude, etc., so I feel it's essential to make a disclaimer in this here preamble: I ain't singling anyone out — I'm mocking them all and not caring if God or anyone else sorts them out. It's all nonsense meant for the enjoyment of people of any political leaning.

Lannisters are Republicans

What do you call rich people who cheat in business and politics to get ahead and fight stupid wars all the while running up huge deficits and debts and starving their people? Lannisters. Or, Republicans. Now an argument against this connection between the Lannisters and Republicans was brought up by Morris J Banderschwingle of Funkley, Minnesota, who asserted that it can't be true because Tyrion Lannister is occasionally funny and Republicans are congenitally unfunny. This is mostly correct, but Republicans have occasionally been known to be funny occasionally. Consider the neo-Dadaism of Republicans riffing on "fiscal discipline". Lolz.

Starks are Democrats

Well-meaning self- and other-destructive incompetence is a hallmark of the modern Democratic party. If you doubt that, google POTUS. Google Libya. The Baratheons were in the running for this, especially considering the parallels between Stannis and HRC, but the Starks "win" because they lose despite every advantage they possess. Ned figures out "the big secret" then goes and threatens Cersei with nothing to back him up. Of course, he's going to get stabbed in the leg and have his head chopped off. They fight even stupider wars than the Lannisters do, and their idea of foreign *and* domestic policy includes extrajudicial assassination of foes whether they are citizens or not, due process be damned. What's that you ask? That pinch her cheek she's so damn cute ninja death assassin Arya Stark. Barak Obama would be so proud. Don't get me started about Catelyn zOMG. Robb SMDH. Oy!

Freefolk are Libertarians

This one is too easy. Although they aren't especially doctrinaire libertarians since they will occasionally violate the non-aggression principle central to almost all variations of libertarianism, with all that trans-wall raiding and excepting that jacknozzle Craster, they are at least libertarian with each other, discounting the Thenn, who occasionally eat their Freefolk neighbors. But, on the whole, they associate with those they want to associate with, delegate problems to people who can fix them, and generally do as they please within the context of their families, tribes, and clans. Runners up in this category are the Braavosi, although they are probably better described as Hayekian Old Whigs. There are no Rothbardians in Westeros.
How cool would it be if Tormund and Brienne left Westeros together, went to Braavos and set up a marijuana dispensary and made lots of giant babies? I'm sure there's a sequel in there somewhere.

Daenerys is the Democratic Socialist

You are going to be free, if I have to burn every last one of you to freedom through death. Who would have made a really awesome Daenerys Targaryen? Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. Think about it. Think of those Daenerys rants that pop out every now and again. AOC could deliver them maybe even better than Emilia Clarke. Jon Snow is kinda like a hot, young Bernie Sanders chasing AOC-Daenerys around poking his policy sheet "but we hafta take care of these White Walkers befora we consida mattas related to budgetary discipline…" AOC-Daenerys: "Screw that! I'm going to burn all of the White Walker deniers with my dragon and give away all sorts of goodies because we're getting out of the Gold Dragon standard and going to a fiat currency that will let me print whatever I need to provide Unicorns-for-All and a Prismatic New Deal!"

The Faith Militant are (were) Communists

Or were. Cersei dropped nuclear hellfire on her Communist opponents and collaborators, but they were a thing, for a while.

S8E1: Winterfell

2019-04-17T16:23:00.000-05:00

Cersei Lannister is the honeybadger of The Game of Thrones.

The Table is Set!

The first episode of Season 8 — Winterfell — is behind us and has left for us much to chew on. I need to watch it again but I will throw out a few observations and comments based my surely imperfectly recalled first viewing. Overall, I thought it solid, interesting, and a little surprising that there wasn't more mayhem. Mayhem or no, however, they have certainly set the table. Before we dig into the feast, I'll note that I was happy to see they stopped the cavalcade of ok now how in TF did *that* happen that proliferated at the end of Season 7 (cough, cough Jaime and Bronn "swimming" a mile in armor; cough, cough Night King happens to have a couple of miles of chain fit for a destroyer laying about North of the wall and special amphibious wight SEALs to hook 'em up to Viserion and haul him out of the frozen lake). I seem to remember there was something a little bogus in the episode, but it didn't launch me to the edge of outrage, and I don't remember what it was.

Will Tyrion snap out of it?

Tyrion has really been off his game since the Joffrey's wedding/assassination if you think about it. He was on a roll up to the defense of King's Landing at the Battle of Blackwater Bay. But since then, he really has kind of just muddled through not doing much. In their reunion at Winterfell, Sansa smacks him around for thinking that Cersei is actually going to send troops, and dismissing him with her line "I used to think you were the cleverest man alive." Something like that. Clearly, he's not as it stands. Does this mean he can be dispensed with? Not easily, I think.
He's not whoring and swilling wine with his usual gusto, and this may be a reflection of an unrequited love for Daenerys. Cersei has set up an "exit" for Tyrion by having Qyburn give Bronn the crossbow Tyrion used to whack Tywin and hint that if Cersei did for Qyburn after his merely rote service, what would she do for the man who would rid her of that troublesome Imp? I don't see Bronn killing Tyrion in some linear plot line, but Bronn is very clearly in the game, which I welcome because he's one of my favorite characters.
Finally, I don't think the sniping between Tyrion and Varys bodes well, and Tyrion does not want to take on Varys if he's not on his A-game.

Arya and Gendry

OK. Did not see that coming. Arya in some ways will always be that super cute little girl with the marvelous facial expressions that would go from mischievous delight to exasperated frustration when she's busted for her hijinks, but she's a woman now and they aren't going to throw that interaction into the hour that they had only to throw it away.
Here's the problem. What marriage between main characters in Game of Thrones not come to ruin? Hell, who's even married? Maybe Sansa and Tyrion, but as I said, I am not on the Westerosi bar and am not qualified to speak authoritatively to their notions family law, but they certainly could be. Think about it. Ned and Catelyn Stark. Robb Stark and Talisa Stark. Littlefinger and Lysa Aryn. Tommen Baratheon/Lannister and Margaery Tyrell. I mean, who in Sam Hill is actually still married?
Currently, I don't have Arya making it, but this was a big episode for her, and the Gendry thing could get interesting.

Arya and Jon

The reunion of Arya and Jon was well done. These two have gone off since Jon gave Arya Needle and have had insane adventures. Arya was blinded by magic and Jon died and was resurrected. It's nice to see them back where they started and ferociously close to one another. Now, this could go a few ways. One is to get into the Stark clown car (Ned, D'OH!, Cat, D'OH!, Robb, D'OH!) and self-destruct. Another is for Arya to use her superpowers on Jon's behalf or to save him. Still another is for Arya to turn on Jon, perhaps siding with Sansa in some plot twist. If Arya is going out, she's going out with a bang; there is no way they could have spent this much time focusing on her without her doing something big.
Remember, Jon and Arya are the only Starks whose direwolves are still alive.

Arya and The Hound

The reunion of Arya and Sandor Clegane aka The Hound was pitch perfect. I think that he is off her list because we know she could have killed him where he stood before anyone knew what happened. His "insult" was a compliment and a show of respect in his inimitable Hound way. Might this portend them going off on some mission together? Some of the best parts of the series has been the Arya-Hound adventures and interactions, and now she's a fully operational death ninja, the potential for mayhem is Batman meets Deadpool and they go on a bender.

Samwell Tarley drops the Bomb

To have the revelation that Daenerys burned his father and brother and destroyed House Tarley followed by Sam telling Jon he's really Aegon Targaryen and rightful heir to the Iron Throne, they may have set him up for a quick exit. Alas. They did mention Gilly and little Sam, so there may yet be a role for one or both of them. I could see Sam dying, but Gilly coming through with the proof of Jon's lineage and legitimacy (does Sam actually have the book with him?). There is yet hope for him going full wizard, since he asked to be pardoned for stealing the books from the Citadel, which leaves and opening for "why do you need a pardon for stealing books?" or some such to which he replies "Because, magic!" Sam introduced dragonglass, he figured out the dead were wights, he figured out how to save Ser Jorah from Greyscale… he may yet have a trick up his sleeve.

Jon rides Rhaegal

That Jon would ride a dragon at some point was easy enough to see coming. What I didn't see coming was the young Targaryens in love cavorting on dragons sequence and spending some significant screen time letting them make eyes at each other and smooch and what not. That's some serious Robb and Talisa sittin' in a tree, k i s s i n g stuff right there, and we all know how that ended. I don't think there is a this isn't working but let's be friends ending to this; the only question is do they turn on each other or are they parted because one of them die?

Cersei and Euron hook up

Here's another one I didn't see coming: Cersei and Euron Greyjoy hooking up. It worked, kinda sorta, in that it's not implausible given Cersei's estrangement from Jamie. The part that wasn't clear was the status of Cersei's baby. That she was drinking wine isn't definitive, because she's Cersei, the honeybadger of Westerosi politics. Moreover, was Euron's boast to put a king in her belly an attempt to lure Cersei to accelerate a marriage so that the baby she'll have will be seen as legitimate?

Yara and Theon

With his successful rescue of Yara, Theon has finally done something major right and with agency. However, the only explanation I have for his desire to go and fight with the Starks is that he's going to be on some sort of redemption tour for all the bad stuff that he's done, figuring he's gotten right by Yara by saving her, and now needs to repay old debts. I am sticking with my prediction that Theon is beyond full redemption, but he may come to be accepted while not being fully embraced.

A summary of all original and current predictions with pointers can be found at the WBC Prediction Status page.

Game of Thrones Season Seven Stupidity™

2019-04-08T11:19:00.000-05:00

I can fly Mach 2. I got this.

Photo: Samuel Zeller

Who needs a TARDIS when you can just ignore time and space?

So, after an engaging discussion with a GoT fan, I find that I had tucked some seriously deranged Season Seven Stupidity™ in not easily accessible regions of my memory, namely the whole Gendry runs back to Eastwatch and sends a raven to Daenerys so she can come save us and lo and behold, Daenerys to the rescue. WT serious F?

Gendry — The 6 Million Gold Dragon Man

So, realizing they're in deep doo doo, Jon decides to send Gendry to Eastwatch. So, Gendry is going to run on some kind of autopilot across terrain the Qhorin Halfhand describes as full of crevasses and otherwise really damn dangerous. But this kid from Fleabottom is just going to book it, avoiding dangerous beasts, getting lost, or falling to his death. And how long is it going to take for him to run back? As I recall, the wall was nowhere in sight. If the wall is 700 feet tall and "the world" is the same diameter as Earth (just a guess, I admit), then they'd have to be 32 miles away or more. But whatever.

Supersonic Ravens

OK. So he makes it back to Eastwatch and they get a raven off to Daenerys. Now, distances aren't often discussed in GoT, but the trip from Dragonstone to King's Landing by Stannis Baratheon for the Battle of Blackwater Bay didn't seem all that far, since they were just going to hop off the ships and attack King's Landing. I don't think you would do that after a long and arduous journey. So it's reasonable to thing Dragonstone is not all that far from King's Landing in some relative sense. But, we know that Winterfell is a thousand miles and more from King's Landing, and the Wall is an arduous journey North from Winterfell. Just how fast do these do these ravens fly? And for how long? Every appearance of the show was "same day turn around," so we're talking really fast mega-endurance ravens that might be equipped with non-afterburner supersonic cruise. But that's just getting the message to Daenerys.

Fire, Ice, Oxygen, Screw That!

OK. Given that Gendry ran to Eastwatch by the Sea without getting eaten by a bear or falling into a crevasse in something like if Usain Bolt could run at top speed over ice for and hour and a half straight and launches a supersonic raven flies to Dragonstone with a piece of paper tied to its leg that doesn't get ripped off with all of the ravens feathers as it streaks through the sky at 1100 feet per second and more, Daenerys still has to get back with her dragons to rescue Jon and crew. So, not only are the ravens supersonic, so are Daenerys's dragons. Moreover, Daenerys can ride on their back and not get her hair tangled or need oxygen or anything like that as they streak through the stratosphere.

Night King as Air Defense System

As zany as all that sounds, it just turns out that the Night King bought an S-400 Dragon Air Defense Spear from Vladimir "Pooty-Poot" Putin and shot Viserion down with a skillful throw that covered a couple of miles or more. Look, it's totally fine for the Night King to have a magic spear. It's totally fine for the Night King to have a good arm. But the whole, reveal where he hucks a magic Dragon slaying high-explosive armor-piercing missile with his arm a couple of miles and more and knocks a rampaging supersonic dragon out of the air, well, the episode begins to take on the air of OMG we really need to wrap this season up an we have no idea to get from here to where we need to be in another season worth of episodes. We need a really great Lady Olenna eye roll for this nonsense.

Star Trek had its space hippies, and I found I could get over them. GoT will have issues. If I could get past Season One Sansa, I can get over Atomic Ninja Missile Flinging Supersonic Dragon Assassinating Then Reanimating Night King. I will get over Tormund magically surviving the collapse of the wall at Eastwatch. What's the alternative? But I wish they'd knock off the unforced errors.

Westerosi Body Count: Yara Greyjoy

2019-04-06T13:40:00.000-05:00

Arrgh! Will Yara sail off in her pirate ship for post-apocalyptic adventure, or get turned into a wight?

Photo: David Dibert

Yara Greyjoy

Yara Greyjoy is one of the more compelling characters in Game of Thrones. She's an interesting study in the relationship between women and power. Like Cersei Lannister, she shoulders duties to family that go beyond the propagation of name like Tywin Lannister liked to go on about. It's subtle — the GoT team does a good job of not whacking you over the head with it — but it's there. Yara looks after Theon because he's family. She has to look out for her baby brother because no one else will. When she leads her Ironborn men, it's not because she's some overpowered Captain Marvel with the greatest powers issued in the GoT-verse — it's because she's damn good at what she does, she's a wise and competent leader, and she's earned their respect. Even her sexuality is well played. Maybe she's a lesbian? Maybe she's bi? It doesn't matter, either works, who cares? It's there but it's not in your face. So, what do you do with a character that's this cool and this well written?

Due to karmic balance issues, I don't see how Yara is going to get to do much beyond hunting down and killing Euron and maybe going back to rule the Iron Islands. Yes, sure, she will ferry people about in her boats, but I don't know how much depth can be added in what all needs to be done. She's be a great component in a merry band of adventurers who sail off into the sunset looking for adventure, though. After all the dust settles, who wouldn't love to see Bronn, Arya, and Yara load up on a boat and sail off to untold adventures? Yeah, that ain't Game of Thrones.

She's playing small ball, not the Big G Game, so like many others, she "wins" by not dying some horrible death. She's expendable, so taking the default GoT option, and she doesn't make it to the end.

A summary of all original and current predictions with pointers can be found at the WBC Prediction Status page.

Westerosi Body Count: Theon Greyjoy

2019-04-04T16:42:00.000-05:00

Theon's spirit animal: the nutria. This is a capybara, but close enough.

Photo: Lucie Hošová

Theon Greyjoy

Old Reeky McKilljoy. Even when Ramsay Bolton was hacking bits off of him, it was hard to generate much sympathy for Theon, so loathsome is he. Theon's not evil exactly as much he just always makes the (often obviously) wrong decision (for evil cf. Ramsay Bolton). I actually sided with Theon once when he came back and saved Robb and Bran from the Wildlings. Robb was a total douche in that instant. Theon's one undeniable talent is as an archer (recall him nonchalantly shooting down Frey ravens on the wing), so the notion that Theon would have "accidentally" shot Bran when he had a clean shot at close range was almost worthy of getting Robb's ungrateful outburst put on the GoT WTF page.

As bad as Theon has been, he's been slowly coming around and at least is aware that he's done some sketchy things, especially his killing and burning the two orphan boys in Bran and Rickon's stead. Once profoundly self-centered, he's increasingly suppressing his self for others, as when he supports Yara's claim to the throne and fights to rally Yara's men to and save her.

Yet, for all of the hints that the good may come out, Theon can never quite seem to get the redemption thing down. I expect him to redeem himself just enough in the end to survive, but he's still Theon Greyjoy with a little stench of Reek about him and he'll have to live with that.

A summary of all original and current predictions with pointers can be found at the WBC Prediction Status page.

Two (Three (More)) Things Game of Thrones Bungled

2019-04-03T18:06:00.000-05:00

Works better when filled.

Photo: Susanne Karl

Game of Thrones is a great show — great characters, complex and compelling plot, rich and detailed costumes and sets in dazzling scenery, and dragons done right. But! (What was that thing Ned Stark used to say?) But, they threw into a couple of unforced errors which I will review here.

The "Death" of Syrio Forel

When the Lannisters started rounding up or killing all the Starks in King's Landing, Arya was training with Syrio Forel, First Sword of Braavos and Master of the Water Dance, who says "not today" to the God of Death. Meryn Trant shows up with four or five Lannister men, who promptly get knocked out by Syrio with his wooden sword. Meryn Trant, disgusted by the Lannister performance, moves in and after trading a few swings, cuts Syrio's sword in half. Syrio tells Arya to flee. He's staying because "The First Sword of Braavos does not run." Cut to fleeing Arya and you hear some screaming in the background, presumably Syrio's death cries.

"What's wrong with that?" you ask.

"Every damn thing!" I answer.

Syrio Forel is the First Sword of Braavos. Meryn Trant is a trumped up bum. The Hound dismissed Trant thus: "Any boy whore with a sword could beat three Meryn Trants." Bronn to Trant's face: "And you're a grub in fancy armor who's better at beating little girls than fighting men." You watch Syrio Forel mow down four or five armored men in seconds with a wooden sword, and you're supposed to believe the First Sword of Braavos loses to that grub Meryn Trant broken sword or no?

There are theories that Syrio Forel actually beat Meryn Trant, but Trant didn't confess out of shame in the defeat. You never hear him boast of his victory or tell the fate of Syrio, so I suppose that might feed into that line. Alternatively, it's been suggested that Syrio is really Jaqen H'ghar, which might have been cool. But a late reveal of either of these two scenarios would beg for yet-another-rant about unforced errors in Game of Thrones. No, we just have to be cranked and shaking our damn heads. Dadgumit.

Jaime Charges Daenerys next to Drogon

After the most amazing battle maybe ever in the history of shows, Jaime Lannister has the "cunning plan" to charge Daenerys while she's pulling the Scorpion bolt out of her fire breathing dragon Drogon. Well, maybe, that would be OK in some other story line. But it wasn't. It happened in the story line we got, which followed with a WTF-fest.

Bronn to the Rescue!

I love Bronn. He's one of my favorite characters, maybe only behind Arya and the Hound. Hell, he may be ahead of the Hound. He's up there. But there is no way in seven holy hells that Bronn is going to fricking charge Drogon and risk dragon fire after seeing the better part of the Lannister army burned to a crisp. OK, but say he has some secret loyalty that would cause him to risk dragon fire for Jaime (where he wouldn't fight the Mountain for Tyrion), what was the plan after knocking Jaime out of the way. Drogon has plenty more where that came from, and he can walk over and bite you, too. OR, did Bronn actually know in advance, that unlike most other lakes where the bottom slopes away from the shore that in this lake it's really fricking deep right up to the shore and it was his plan to knock Jaime into the water and avoid the dragon that way?

Really?

Walk/Swim across the Lake in Armor

OK. So Bronn knocks Jaime into the deep part of the lake that runs right up to Daenerys was tending to Drogon. Now what? Screw that! Let's just have them walking out of the lake a half mile or so from where they got in. It's hard to swim in clothes with shoes on. It can't be done in armor. So, did they hoof it along the bottom? If they could actually hold their breaths for three minutes while running at 10 miles an hour underwater in armor, that would "work", I guess. Or maybe Bronn just happened to bring a couple of Braavosi underwater rebreathers along with him, just in case. Maybe Westerosi can breathe water. Aquaman can, maybe they're like him? I mean seriously, WTF?

Westerosi Body Count: Arya Stark

2019-04-03T16:20:00.000-05:00

Arya will roam wild and free like Nymeria — if she survives.

Photo: Michael Mazzone

Arya Stark

Arya is the most over-the-top and non-traditional character in Game of Thrones. That is, unlike Jon Snow who is the Hero with a Thousand Faces, Arya is an anti-hero who happens to have a thousand faces who is running around kicking ass and taking names and then crossing those names off her list by killing them, sometimes by the score. She is the High Priestess of the God of Death and she seems to enjoy her job. As such, I really have no idea what is going to happen to her.

If she can bring the world back to some sort of karmic balance by reducing her list to length zero, I see a couple of possibilities. One would be she gets whacked by Jaqen H'ghar or goes back to Jaqen H'ghar and is finally able to renounce her ego. Or, maybe killing Jaqen H'ghar and taking his place e.g., becoming Jaqen H'ghar. I just don't know how satisfying any of those would be, and it's not all that interesting. Another would be to take over Winterfell if Sansa were to die (which I think is unlikely) or move elsewhere like to Casterly Rock or King's Landing. She's a Stark and the only Stark left that both has the Stark name and her estranged but still living direwolf Nymeria. You know the Arya-Nymeria reunion at Winterfell would be a tear-jerker, although Nymeria has already turned Arya down in their last encounter. The one ending that would be satisfying and in character would have her into the sunset with Nymeria, Bronn, and Yara Greyjoy looking for fun and adventure. But that's not going to happen.

To date, Arya has really only been about learning to fight, perfecting her skills, and exacting retribution from her enemies by assassination. It would be disappointing if that's all there was to her, but I don't think we'll be disappointed on that point: she's going to be put on a quest to take out someone formidable. She's got some big names on her list — including the Mountain and Cersei Lannister — but I'm thinking even bigger: the Night King or maybe a dragon?

Once her task is done, however, she'll be expendable. As my favorite character, it pains me to make this prediction: Arya is going to die. It's likely to be Cersei and by some treachery. If Brienne can't beat Arya, she's not going to be beat in single combat, but maybe she goes down swinging like Syrio Forel? Well, the Syrio Forel exit was kind of bogus, how about like Benjen Stark? I'll be watching Arya with particular attention and hoping this prediction is off base.

A summary of all original and current predictions with pointers can be found at the WBC Prediction Status page.

Westerosi Body Count: Robin Arryn

2019-04-02T19:12:00.000-05:00

Winter is Coming for Robin Arryn. If we're lucky.

Photo: Jedidiah Church

Robin Arryn

Winter is coming for Robin Arryn. We can only hope. This is a lighter post (I'm not predicting here, only wishing), and if we're lucky, we've already seen the last of Robin Arryn, the insufferable son of the batshit crazy Lysa Arryn, who Petyr Baelish mercifully (for us) punted out the Moon Door. If we're really lucky we'll get to see the bad boy fly, too.

One of the things I think anyone has to admit, is that Game of Thrones (GRRM and the HBO folks) has provided some of the most creepy, crappy, loathsome, hideous, hate-worthy verminous characters in the history of stuff that's (still) legal to watch or read. It was tough watching Sansa in the crush on Joffrey days, turning on Arya and Ned. She was terrible, but after a fashion she showed backbone and endurance that demanded respect even if it didn't foster affection. I'll take Game of Thrones scrogtoids for a thousand, Alex. Answer is: That thing that Robin Arryn contributes outside of creepy shithead annoy tf out of me factor.

via GIPHY

NOT A PREDICTION, but it seems if you want to see Robin fly out the Moon Door, you should have a "theory" of how it comes to be. OK, the Seven Kingdoms need stability after the mayhem they've seen with the War of the Five Kings and the war against the Night King and the Army of the Dead, and whatever mayhem comes after the Daenerys gets or doesn't get the Iron Throne. House Arryn and House Stark could be united if Arya marries Robin. Heh. They get married. When the revelers think the marriage is being consummated, Arya has Robin in the High Hall of the Eyrie. She drags him up to the throne and attempts to throw him out the Moon Door, but misses with the first shot. She hops down, drags him back up and hits the shot second time around, after which she can go roam Westeros wild and free like Nymeria. Varys claims the throne, which he immediately renounces to set up an Anarcho-Capitalist arrangement between the Hill Tribes and the people of the Eyrie and everyone lives happily ever after.

A summary of all original and current predictions (but not this one, because it's not a actual prediction) with pointers can be found at the WBC Prediction Status page.

Westerosi Body Count: Tyrion Lannister

2019-04-02T11:45:00.000-05:00

Tyrion Lannister — the littlest Lannister is the most durable.

Photo: Christopher Keane

Tyrion Lannister

Tyrion wins by just surviving. I think he will, and I think that will leave him Lord of Casterly Rock. As I said earlier, Jaime's road to redemption can only go so far, but Tyrion is one of the most consistently honorable characters in the show, especially if you come at it from a libertarian perspective which sees his debauchery as non-coercive and thus at the very least karma mitigating. He twists arms, but that's limited to using his rivals' and other scoundrels' mistakes against them. The only real ding on him — and this isn't small — was killing Shea. In the karmic logic of tragedy, though, it was required and he has atoned for it by killing Tywin and being exiled. I think Tyrion is pardoned and restored to Casterly Rock in the denouement although what a twist if he remarries a Sansa who is happy to do so.

Might it really end with Tyrion married to Sansa? IDK Westerosi jurisprudence all that well, but their marriage might only be in need of consummation. Anyway, they were married once, and they could be married again. Moreover, it would make sense. What better way to end the conflict between the Starks and the Lannisters by marrying a Stark to a Lannister and joining the houses? I don't why I think this, but I think that if Sansa and Tyrion do wind up married, they will either be at Casterly Rock or Winterfell, and someone else will be on the Iron Throne.

A summary of all original and current predictions with pointers can be found at the WBC Prediction Status page.

Westerosi Body Count: Jaime Lannister

2019-04-01T16:07:00.000-05:00

Jaime Lannister is doomed to be a sad lion.

Photo: Nathalie Spehner

Jaime Lannister

Jaime Lannister has developed into one of the more interesting and complex characters in Game of Thrones. He was introduced as an amoral, smug, over-confident, self-satisfied prick, but through the story he reveals that part of that is an affectation covering a conflicted man with a code of honor he tries to cleave to even as love and irreconcilable duties pull him in different directions. His Huck Finn moment came before the show started when he violated his oath killing the Mad King for the moral aim of saving the people of King's Landing from the King's wildfire. Jaime was fleshed out further through his adventures with Brienne of Tarth. Saving her from the bear pit showed his potential when he was at his heroic best, even if he's one handed.

It's possible, I suppose, that Jaime throws his that in the Game of Thrones ring — he's the elder son of Tywin Lannister, heir to Casterly Rock and the most powerful house in Westeros. He's had a change of heart about Cersei, and it appears that as with the Mad King, he's ready to turn on the person seated on the Iron Throne in service of what he sees as a higher moral purpose. But that doesn't seem to be in keeping with his character up to this point — he's never had any interest in the throne and the responsibility it requires. He's not playing the Game.

Jaime's fate is not to win and even if there is a happy ending for his path of redemption he's been following, his redemption can only go so far. I think the best thing Jaime can hope for is to be taken of Arya's list by some means other than death, but I don't think that this is likely. His longer term prosepects, though, may not be good if the story is to have him go out of the world with the person he came into it with. Jaime kills Cersei, the Mountain kills Jaime, the Hound kills the Mountain? That could go down pretty quickly, but I think it will be very late in the series, possibly the final episode.

A summary of all original and current predictions with pointers can be found at the WBC Prediction Status page.

Westerosi Body Count: Cersei Lannister

2019-03-30T17:41:00.000-05:00

Can the Lioness survive the Game?

Photo: jean wimmerlin

Cersei Lannister

Ah, Cersei. To date, she's been the ultimate player of the Game, but this is a streak that cannot last. I guess if they wanted to go full tragedy, they could wreck all of Westeros and let her rule, alone, over a dead continent in ruins. If Cersei wins, then it surely has to be a Pyrrhic victory, as other victories of hers turned out to be. But I don't think she will win, because she just offers too many great opportunities in her departure. Arya really wants to off her, but I think either Jaime will take her out or she'll have to endure watching Sansa ascend to Queen and be stripped of land and titles, etc., and have to go live in a nunnery or something like that. It may actually be a combination.

Way back in Season 2, Daenerys has a waking dream of sorts in the House of the Undying where she walks through the Great Hall of the Red Keep — its roof destroyed and snow falling — with continuing service to a room with an alive Drogo and non-scaly baby Rhaego. The latter event never happened, so is it a "this is what would have happened" to contrast with the vision of "what she's going to get in return?" It's easy to imagine that King's Landing and the Red Keep get destroyed through some combination of Army of the Dead, dragons, Dothraki horde, self-immolation via wildfire, etc. Remember, too, that by killing the White Walker, you can automagically kill all the zombies the White Walker raised, so they can kill every damn body in Westeros, and still dispatch the Army of the Dead if they can just kill the White Walkers and the Night King. If Arya, with her Valyerian steel dagger, can wear the face of a White Walker, then the Night King is in some serious deep shit. Just sayin'.

If I were writing the story, Cersei would "rule", alone, over a largely depopulated Westeros — ashes covered in snow. But, I'm not writing it, and America doesn't do tragedy. Alas. This is how I think it plays out — Jaime kills Cersei at some point after having sided with Tyrion in some sort of act of redemption.

Cersei's Baby

Cersei is pregnant as we go into Season 8, presumably with Jaime's baby. Even though she shagged her cousin Lancel when Jaime was on the road, there's no reason to think the kid's not Jaime's and to have it mysteriously not would be (what Qyburn?) some pretty crappy writing, but, hey, they did the whole Jaime charges Daenerys next to the dragon (WTF?) and Bronn knocks him off his horse before he can get incinerated (WTF?) into the lake where the deep part runs right up to the shore (WTF?) aaand they swim a mile underwater in armor (W the seriously T the seriously F?). That was shark-jumping badness, so, anything is possible, but I think that was just an aberration, not a symptom of impending suckitude, in an otherwise pretty awesome episode.

Time is tricky in GoT, so I think Cersei's baby is definitely in play. A boy, that's taken as a ward into Sansa's court? Or, adopted as son to Sansa and Tyrion? They wouldn't have a pregnant Cersei if the baby didn't have a role to play. What would a daughter mean? Early flier guess — boy turned into a White Walker by the Night King.

A summary of all original and current predictions with pointers can be found at the WBC Prediction Status page.

Westerosi Body Count: Sansa Stark

2019-03-29T15:01:00.000-05:00

Sansa Stark — the stalking horse in the Game of Thrones.

Photo: Seth Macey

Sansa Stark

Jon Snow to Sansa Stark: "You almost sound as if you admire her [Cersei Lannister].
Sansa: "I learned a great deal from her."

Sansa Stark is the stalking horse in the GoT race. For a character who started out painfully irritating and naive, she has through great suffering and abuse acquired wisdom and cunning. Jon and Sansa have an uneven understanding, but each now hold the other in esteem and with respect. There is space for this relationship to develop (I don't think there will be any romance, just aligned interest and loyalty to the Stark family) and the woman for whom being the Queen of Westeros seemed all but certain in Season 1 may have a shot in Season 8. Lots of interesting possibilities especially if Queen Sansa has a hand in how Cersei Lannister is disposed of.

Sansa is not an easy pick, as she has some serious karmic flaws against her, including the loss of her direwolf Lady who by her lying she unwittingly sacrificed in the stead of Nymeria. Does that absolve her, or does that doom her? Hard to say. One of the signals that Sansa is going to play a role is her nuclear bomb of a sister Arya has returned to Winterfell with a hit list that doesn't have Sansa written on it. So, Sansa has means (Arya, Brienne of Tarth, Stark banner men (presumably)), motive (revenge at the very least, but she was queued to be queen Season 1), and now needs opportunity, which comes after the final clash with the Night King and the Army of the Dead or in whatever scheming and alliance building required to initiate that clash.

So, if Sansa does win, does she ascend to the Iron Throne alone? And if not, who stands beside her? She was married to Tyrion Lannister once — might she marry him again? That would go a long way toward cooling the hot blood in the Stark-Lannister conflict, especially if Cersei gets taken out. I think the Tyrion angle could actually work considering that almost all of the men she's dealt with have been schmucks to downright evil (looking at you dog-chewed corpse of Ramsay Bolton). Two that she (almost certainly) has come to see are not are Sandor Clegane aka the Hound and Tyrion Lannister. Despite the karmic drawback of not having a direwolf, Sansa is my early flier bet to win it all. Will hold off on the marriage to Tyrion for now, but recognize that it's really not all that crazy of an idea.

A summary of all original and current predictions with pointers can be found at the WBC Prediction Status page.