Taking the advantage

Call of Duty: Black Ops

2010-10-29T05:40:00.000-07:00

Sorry people. I've been on a business trip for the past 2 weeks so I haven't been able to sit down and review stuff. Now I'll give you a preview on the upcoming Call of Duty game entitled Black Ops.

It is the seventh installment of the Call of Duty series currently being developed by Treyarch. I know in my review of Nazi Zombies I mentioned I dislike Treyarch (mainly because 90% of their releases are shit) but I'm giving them another chance this time. Why? Because I've heard that Black ops will have a zombie minigame aswell! I'm looking very much forward to it. I even went and preordered the PS3 version.

The singleplayer storyline is supposedly set between 1960 and 2010. You are a member of Black Ops sent to execute black ops that no one knows of. Waging unknown wars on enemy territory battling ruskies, vietcong etc. The game is also said to be more stealth based than the last CoD releases. Treyarch hasn't really released any good info about the story giving me the tingling sensation that the main plot is rubbish. The game does feature a co-op mode with similar missions like in Modern Warfare 2 which I am also looking forward to. For more info you guys should check out callofduty.com

Also check out the trailer!

Amnesia: The Dark Descent

2010-10-14T03:08:00.000-07:00

Looking for a good constipation aid? Look no further because playing this game you're going to crap your pants!

Amnesia is a horror game where you are a helpless little insignificant little human who can't do anything else except hide in cupboards and run away. In other words this is my kind of horror! The story is that you have amnesia... that's about all I've gathered. It's very hard to try to follow the plot when you're afraid of creepy mummified corpse-looking things that try to rape you every chance they get. The good thing about the enemies is that you don't see too much of them and when you do you won't have time to try and get a picture to remember them by because if you linger, YOU DIE. The best part about dying is that if you die in the hands of these monsters the monsters will not spawn in the same place. This keeps the player on edge and creates a whole new level of perspective to the "horror" element.

There is no fighting or shooting to be had here. Just cowering behind boxes and running away. One thing that bothers me is the sanity meter. You can pause the game and go to the inventory to check up on your health. At one point I was in a lit room covered with scented candles and other soothing things and my character was "feelin' fine". The instant I stepped into a dark narrow corridor where I couldn't see the tip of my nose my character went ape-shit and started feeling dizzy and the screen went all blurry. Then I lit my lantern and everything was fine again. So apparently the main character is afraid of the dark which feels a bit weird when presented to some one (like me) who isn't afraid of anything. Then again it's all just a part of the experience, right?

Anyway Amnesia is available on Steam and if you like horror you will love it.

PS: How do I change the timestamp on my posts and my online journal etc. Thanks!

The Legendary League of Legends

2010-10-10T10:34:00.000-07:00

League of Legends is a free to play player versus player roleplaying game in the form of a real time strategy. You control a single unit, or hero, and battle for victory with your team against your opponents. You can play 5versus5 or 3versus3 matches.

The idea of the game is to advance along 3 different lanes and destroy your opponent's defense towers. Escorting computer controlled minions and using them as a meat shield you can wreak havoc on these towers and gain access to the enemy's base. Of course it's not as simple as it sounds. The enemy team won't just let you destroy the towers and will fight back by destroy the ones you have. However once you've gained access to the enemy's base most of the players I've played with seem to think the game is over and just surrender cursing what a “noob” team they have. The joke’s on them because they themselves are a part of that team. The game ends after you've successfully destroyed the enemy's Nexus or they have destroyed yours. You gain points by playing and with these points you can “purchase” hero’s for your profile. Alternatively you can also buy your champions with money if you’re that desperate.

There's a wide variety of characters you can choose from and each one is unique in their own way. My advice is pick the one that seems best suited for your gaming style (melee, caster, ranged etc.) and stick with it. You need to familiarize yourself with one character in order to be good in the game. If you keep changing your hero all the time you’ll end up losing.

Like I said it’s free to play even though it comes with the cost of having to listen to all the whining and moaning of your immature teammates. I recommend you try it if you're interested in player versus player fantasy rpg games. I also recommend you befriend yourself with some people and play with them, because if they call you a "noob" you'll know where they live and if need be you can beat the crap out of them for pissing you off.

Duty Calls, Time to kill Undead Nazis

2010-10-06T09:54:00.000-07:00

As you may have noticed I review games that are somewhat close to my heart. Also you may have noticed some of these games are a few years old. That does not mean they are bad or outdated and I’m sure there are still people out there that have not experienced the zombie killing thrills of the “Nazi Zombies mode” of Call of Duty: World at War.

Now what’s so special about these zombies? Well for starters they are living dead people but these zombies pack a Jew-killing punch. They are Nazi Zombies! The idea of the game is to survive as many rounds as you can. There is no victory to be achieved, just a personal record to break every time. You gain points by killing zombies or repairing windows, from which the bastards are trying to get in. With points you can purchase weapons off the walls or the mystery box that gives you a random weapon. You can also open locked doors with these points in order to advance in the map. There are 4 maps in the game mode, each more fun than the last. The first map “Nacht der untoten” (translates: Night of the undead) is just a simple 3 room zombie killing fest. By purchasing map packs for the game (the bundle is around €24) you can get 3 more Nazi zombie maps for the game. If you liked the first map, which is free, you’ll love the 3 others. They have more diversity and more room for strategical manoeuvres. You gain access to traps, character upgrades, different weapons and weapon upgrades. All and all it’s great coop fun as long as everyone plays fair and works together.

Now comes my favorite part of the review: talking about how the game sucks. However I can’t really say anything bad about Nazi Zombies as a game. Sure it was made by Treyarch which is Infinity Ward’s retarded cousin who’s always trying to copy everything IW does. *cough*blackops*cough*, but still it’s very well balanced… for a minigame. After playing Nazi Zombies I noticed that I’ve grown a certain hatred towards dogs. Those god damn devil dogs that spawn out of nowhere in the last 2 maps every 5 rounds will make you lose your mind. They run as fast as you sprint and sometimes bug and run through walls.

I must say paying for the map packs sucked balls. That kind of idea is just evil. Making me pay more for something I like is never nice. I’d say it’s an insult to the fans. I first have to pay around €60 for a game that I hardly ever played and then sink more money into it because of an epic minigame it has. It’s all the more reason to hate Treyarch. Bunch of greedy tossers they are.

In conclusion: Loved it. You can play it alone, split screen with a friend or online. Recommending it to anyone who likes to blow off some steam and see bits of undead flesh flying about. Also recommending it if you have unsettled business… with Nazis.

Sucker for hockey(?)

2010-10-04T10:00:00.000-07:00

Let me start by saying I’m not a hockey fanatic but I do support the Finnish hockey team when it’s time to try for the world championship. Playing NHL 2k10, I realized how much I enjoy seeing my team get goals. I was jumping up and down and yelling my girlish screams of victory even when I was home alone and then cursing whenever my goalie couldn’t save a snap shot from the blue line. I also shouted at the players and referees for being donkey holes or just for their plain stupidity. Which brings me to what’s wrong with the game: the controls… my god, they are awful. It’s like trying to control a deaf blind man in a tar pit. Of course playing against AI players which are all embedded inside some kind of hivemind where they share each other’s senses and understand the pattern of everyone’s movements, it’s hard for me, a human player, to share this power with my team. I have to literally do EVERYTHING myself. A good example of this would be that when in offensive I try to pass the puck towards a friendly AI player’s route of movement (as in where he was SUPPOSED to be skating towards) immediately after the puck left my character’s handling the AI thought we had lost the puck and started skating towards the defensive zone. At first I didn’t mind all that much but as I’ve played more and more I’ve noticed this sh*t happens ALL THE BLOODY TIME. It’s like my team has lost every bit of skill they have at playing hockey and I have to take over. Not being a fan neither a long time player of the series it seems a bit unfair. Sure I could crank the difficulty down a notch or two but that would make me a homosexual.

NHL2k10 is a good party game however. I played it with my friend last Friday before going out to drink some booze etc. The only thing was that we got so pulled in by the versus mode that before we even knew it was midnight. So again a game’s best side is brought out by the multiplayer function, which is pretty controversial. I wise man once said that “a game needs to be able to support itself on single player alone” and this is what I agree with. Then again, a game like NHL 2k10 which is mostly about teamwork cannot be blamed for this.

In conclusion:

I enjoyed it, but whether or not you will, I do not know. Ask yourself this: are you ready to spend a few hours first learning to play a sports game in order to be good at it, AND will you get the same kind of thrills as I get when you see a circular piece of vulcanized rubber penetrate the insides of a rectangular fishing net with iron bars. If yes then by all means try NHL2k10. I did, and it surprised me in a positive way.

Thoughts that keep me up at night

2010-10-03T01:19:00.000-07:00

Hey hey hey! It's sunday which means I'm not going to put much effort into this update... so here's a small list of things that keep me up at night.

If you've been deaf all your life, do you hear anything in your dreams

And for that matter; if you've been BLIND all your life do you even see dreams?

Why can we never see pigeons when they're young.

Why is it so easy to remember the things I would like to forget?

Okay your turn!

The fifth of the Evils which are Resident

2010-10-02T05:03:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I posted a review on my thoughts about horror games. Despite what I said about what kind of horror games I like it does not mean I am against the first type of horror games. If you don’t know what I’m talking about read the review I posted yesterday.

Resident Evil 5 is the “fifth” game in the Resident Evil series because the mathematical skills of Capcom’s employees suck. The plot consists of former S.T.A.R.S. operative Chris Redfield having to go to Africa to apprehend a group of terrorists that have bio-organic weapons. When there he meets his partner a west African 20-something year old hottie named Sheva Alomar. Now I had watched the trailers and read the previews about the game etc. but at this point I realized that this game would be about as frightening as a 6-year old girl that you can see through walls. When you’re given a partner you no longer feel alone. You won’t get the scary feeling of having to survive on your own when someone has your back. Another thing that makes the game less scary is the fact that the main character’s bicep is about as big as his head which makes punching zombies in the face a worthy laugh. The gameplay is alright and the controls don’t bugger much but if you don’t have a HUMAN friend to play the game with you, you’re out of luck. The AI in this game (more specifically you’re partners AI) sucks heavy hippopotamus balls. For example every time you’re even the slightest bit injured your partner comes over and uses a health spray that recovers all of your HP and this is just one of the things that ticks me off. I can’t even count the times I wanted to strangle someone over the idiocity of my AI-partner. But like I said playing with a friend makes the game a lot easier and more fun.

Besides the crappy partner problem of the game (which can be solved by good social contacts) the inventory system is just as awful. Let me give you an example. You have 9 spaces for inventory items, from which only ammo and grenades are stackable. Everything else takes up one space. So if you’re carrying 9 healing herbs they take as much space as, oh let’s say, 9 AK-47s. It’s INSANE. And another thing, if you want to use a body armor THAT TAKES UP A SPACE AS WELL. I mean what the f*ck?? You’re carrying an armor in the pocket of your armor? Someone should get hanged for this.

In conclusion: I like RE5 even though it has a few flaws. I must say that playing it with my mate was the most fun I can have with my pants on and still be straight. I’m recommending it to anyone who has a platform that can support it and atleast one friend. If you don’t have a friend kidnap a hobo and play with him… or her.

My views on horror games

2010-10-01T04:04:00.000-07:00

There are 2 types of horror games

The first kind is where a scary monster jumps out of a closet and tells you to be afraid of it but then you say “nah, man. I got these massive assault rifles, rocket launchers and flamethrowers that say otherwise. Plus that pile of a million of your kind that I’ve stacked behind me as I’ve gone forward doesn’t make your scaryness worth shit.” then you blow the monster into a million pieces with a grenade (i.e. Doom 3, Dead Space, Bioshock, Resident Evil). These kinds of horror games are the kinds that usually have a good (sometimes even an epic) start but suddenly turn into mainstream first person shooters with no more content than aim and shoot. And with these “horrifying” creatures speeding towards you all the time, you seldom have time for fear. Also, the main character is often somewhat of a supernatural being compared to everyone else and it makes the whole aspect of “being scared” seem obsolete. Why be scared when you’re made to feel like super man?

The second kind is where you expect the monster to jump out of a closet but it never does and you’re left to wonder where it is and you’re afraid to turn around because you just know he’s standing right behind you breathing down your neck ready to molest you the second you start to move your mouse/controller in order to turn around (i.e. Silent Hill 2, Amnesia: The Dark Descent, Penumbra, Fatal Frame, Siren: Blood Curse). In these kinds of horror games you’re usually a scared mediocre Joe Nobody, who doesn’t own the ability to slow down time or get rid of monsters that have attached to you, with a quick time event. The tension (in Amnesia for example) is that the monsters don’t show up all that often and when they do, your only options are to either RUN or HIDE. This is good because it leaves more to the imagination. A game where you kill countless monsters, zombies and aliens like in Doom 3 won’t give you the same scaring thrill as a game where you really feel helpless. Although after playing all the horror games I have so far in my life I don’t understand why you would be afraid of the dark in a game if you’re not in real life. It feels silly. But it does have this kind of edge to it watching your main character’s sanity deteriorate as he talks to himself about losing his mind. It does appear frustrating at times if the gameplay is evolved around a gory game of hide&seek with you as the person having to hide every round, but I would say it’s better than shooting at everything that moves.

In conclusion: I like the second type more even thought often I feel not so scared in a situation where my character is simply terrified. This just means that the game didn’t do a good enough job preparing me for a scary bit and I’m often left scratching my head thinking why was my character so scared just now?

tl;dr: a good horror game is the kind that f*cks with your mind.

NOW THEN; tell me what you think. Which type of horror game do you think is better? Also, name some good horror games. I need to play some more!

Hey! Coming up...

2010-09-30T11:27:00.000-07:00

Sorry guys no JOURNAL ENTRY today, lol. Been busy as hell.

I do however plan to sit down tomorrow and make a little review about what I like in horror games (oooh!). So you guys & gals should return tomorrow if you want some of my mindless dribble.

Joolamp, out!

Win some, Lose some

2010-09-29T12:44:00.000-07:00

For the past few months I've notice this strange luck I've been having. It's not quite karma or divine intervention but something in between the two. For every action that takes place in my life there is a... consequence. Something, that returns everything to a neutral ground. It feels weird. First I get lucky with something but then later on I stumble and fall or vice versa. For example:

I caught a flu a while back that gave me a cough and a sore throat so I thought to myself that I should get something to drink. I went to buy a 6 bottle stack of cola from the nearby market plus some food and the cashier forgot to charge me for the cola. I noticed this after I got home and was in no mood to return to pay for them.

Way before the flu when I was working as a mover (I'm not sure if this is the right term... we got paid for moving furniture etc etc... not repomen lol) I broke my elbow and had to get a cast and was suddenly without a job. Then out of the blue this guy I hardly know calls me and reminds me that he owes me a favor. He was kind enough to offer me a job. Even a better one I had before because being a salesman is something I am interested in. Now I sell men's clothes at a multinational gentlemen's store called Dressmann and couldn't be happier.

Another thing that happened was that I dislocated the knuckle of my right hand pinkie by hitting a garbage can made entirely of metal. It hurt like a mother****er let me tell ya. I did it because I was angry (believe it or not) about not having a girlfriend. But then like a week after that I met the girl of my dreams.

See where I'm going with this? There have been so many things like this happening it's hard to keep track of them all. I'm not even superstitious or anything but this shit is pretty weird.

If you have any idea what something like this is called please tell me! Also... share your own experiences. I'm dying to hear if you've faced similar moments in your life.

Cheers!

Me? A blogger?

2010-09-28T10:03:00.000-07:00

That's right.

I have often recented the idea of writing a kind of an open diary on the internet everyone can follow but I find it's rather soothing. Maybe I'm starting to be a nicer person by accepting new things into my life. OR maybe I just wanna speak my mind and not give a rats ass about what anyone else thinks cuz this is my blogsite... yeah let's go with the latter.

Aaanyhoo, I started this ONLINE JOURNAL because I wanted to give myself something to do inbetween working days and sleeping nights. Oh and from now on I will not be refferring to my posts nor my site as BLOGs because it sounds like an obese entity that communicates via passing gas. So what should YOU the readers be expecting of me?... Well I can start by saying I often play video games and watch movies and was thinking maybe I can make little reviews of my own about them...I mean there certainly are never enough of them on the internet... right?...right? Anyway I'll be returning to you on thursday when I will have something interesting to post and something I consider worth your while... or mine.

Peace!

The Final Frontier!

2010-09-27T14:21:00.000-07:00

I don't what you guys generally think about Iron Maiden but I know this: they're newest album entitled "The Final Frontier" and especially the music video literally BLEW MY FRIGGIN' MIND!... honestly... my walls are painted with bits of brain and blood.

Let's get the facts straight. It's the fifteenth and probably the last album Iron Maiden are going to record. I know it sounds sad but I think it's bs. Lead singer Bruce Dickinson was quoted saying that with all the touring and traveling they might not have time to record anymore. He also said they are hoping to release another album sometime in the distant future and I say THEY BETTER. Iron Maiden's last album should be something with which they go down in a blaze of glory. A legendary opus with 12 songs all of which are completely different yet perfect in their own way causing mass female orgasms and shy male erections.

The album does have good songs on it but it's not really something I had expected. I was expecting... "more & better", but I guess you can't invent the wheel more than once, right? The album features 10 songs all of which seem to have a soft start and a rough ending. When I say rough I don't mean bad. This just means it's got Steve Harris' handywork written all over the album. The fact that Harris had something to do with all of the songs may explain why it had sold 44,385 copies in the first week of release. However I think the problem with Final Frontier is that it's... a middle child. With a cover name like "Final" you expect it to be... the last goddamn thing you ever listen to by these guys and if it is I must say I'm not impressed. I'm still glad I bought the cd and I'm listening to it as I write this mindless dribble... I also wish someone would clean all that brain off my wall.

Anyway here's the music video of the song 'Final Frontier'. Enjoy!

I gotta tell ya

2010-09-27T09:42:00.000-07:00

The ear is an amusing part of the human body. I had this ache below my jawbone where it "connects" with the lower half of where my ear is (where spit glands are (or atleast the pain felt like it was coming from that area)) and for days I couldn't eat anything because every time I opened my mouth it hurt like hell!

Now I didn't go to the doctor but I did try to search the net for answers. All I could find was speculations how it could be cancer and other ridiculous things. Then after a few days my friend asked me if I had (and please forgive my lousy english on the matter) "balanced the pressure 'inside' my ear/head". I didn't think much at the time but I was running out of options... and pain meds. So what I did was I held on to my nose and mouth and blew as hard as I could. You know, with the airways blocked. AND IT WORKED?! I remember feeling a little bump in my ear (like a cork popping off a cola bottle) and suddenly the pain was no longer resonating from my jaw. Must've been magic or sumthin!

Ever wonder?...

2010-09-27T09:28:00.000-07:00

how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?