rats rant

Fog Off

2010-11-26T13:07:00.000-08:00

Right, lets get this clear. You use fog lights on a car when there is reduced visibility to allow other road users a greater chance of identifying you on the road. No, as the name suggest, this may be in the case of fog or, more relevant today, when it snows.

In fog, snow, smoke or any other event that causes reduced visibility, put your fog lights on and be safe.....no issues.

If it isn't and of the above, then TURN THEM OFF. They don't act as lasers that burn snow out of the way to allow you to drive safely, they just annoy peoples that know how to operate their cars properly.

And while I am at it/on one, if you hear on that radio that there is snow in the next county and your in car the moment shows 4 degrees, thats NOT the time to crawl along the main road at 10mph. When its lashing down with snow, its icy and its minus 1...THATS when you need to drive like your in a funeral procession.

If your not sure how to drive properly, surrender your licence and go by bus.

wey aye phone

2010-09-19T13:29:00.000-07:00

Right, this isn't a rant, its a anti-rant.

The Apple corporation never cease to amaze me, they really don't. I got an iPhone about 7 months ago and, on the back of that, Ive been converted to Mac. Everything about my new life on Mac had been a masterclass in customer service.

Orange wanted £400 to replace my water damaged Iphone (thats a long story that I wont come out of looking good, so Ill just skip over it) so I called the Apple store in Eldon Square. The said for £139 they would do a like for like replacement. I popped down to the store where they had already made me an appointment, they had all my details to hand, I handed over the cash and was out again in 10 minutes.

Perfect customer experience.

I now love Mac.....I hope they take over the running of the post office and the council soon.

Pope on a rope

2010-09-15T13:07:00.000-07:00

The Pope is coming to town. Apparently next week Rumpelstiltskin in coming and the week after its Pinochio, its all part of the new "which fairytale do you believe?" month.

Frankly, I couldmnt give two hoot about the man and I was willing to let his visit pass without Rant, but he had to go and push me didn't he? If I end up getting hit by lightening due to this post, I wont be happy. I feel Like Rambo, they just couldn't leave me alone and have pushed me to the limit.

Which dress wearing freak in particular has annoyed me? Cardinal Walter Kasper, thats who. He said to today that "when you land at Heathrow you think at times you have landed in a Third World country". Some news reports and the BBC website have reported this as if he was being derogatory.....they seem to miss the point.

In many third world countries it is perfectly acceptable to bugger young boys and then avoid arrest by paying off officials. He he hadn't stayed and home and missed the trip due to "illness" (nothing to do with making fucking stupid comments then???) he would have racked up at Terminal 5 with a case packed full of bibles, lube and fluffy rabbits.

Its bad enough that so many people in this country ignore logic to base the way that they lead their life upon nothing more that a fairy tale and ancient fables, but to then take life lessons and family planning advice for virgins that have NO experience in relationships is nonsense. You wouldn't take driving lessons of a person that had never seen a car would you?

Sprechen sie Deutsche?

2010-09-08T13:06:00.000-07:00

For Rats Rant readers that don't speak Spanish the above means "Do you speak German?".

If your one of the 68% of the EU that can honestly say no to that question (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Languages_of_the_European_Union) then that is due to the fact that, 70 years ago, thousands of men much braver than I will ever be put their lives on the line to protect our country from tyranny and evil.

Can you imagine sitting in a small metal box flying slowly deep over enemy territory being shot at from below and from much faster fighter planes? Freezing cold, noisy, low tech navigation and nowhere to run and hide? I cant, but over 55,000 men did and never came back and their average age was 19.

Im tempted to rant about the fact that its taken 70 years before we, as a country, has arranged to build a permanent memorial to their bravery, dedication and service. Many of the veterans who the memorial is their to thank will not have lived long enough to receive our thanks and our appreciation for the hell that they must have gone through. These heros will never ask for memorials and thanks, they just did their job, but that doesn't mean that we have to forget about them.

I'm not going to bang on about that, im going to rant about the Germans that think that we give a shit about their requests to scrap the plans for the memorial as its "tasteless" and "against the culture of remembrance".

I cant put it any better than Ken Oates, an 85 year old RAF veteran that was blinded whilst serving with bomber command "To hell with that. I was in a Lancaster. I got injured. We should be very proud of the RAF.

These boys, and they were just boys, did an amazing job helping to win the war and we should never forget what they did, no matter what do gooders and pacifists want. The world would be a whole lot worse if we didn't have such brave men and I, for one, will never forget.

The Bomber Command Memorial needs to raise another £2million. To donate, please go to www.bombercommand.com

What was wrong with lego??

2010-09-02T13:38:00.000-07:00

Now, before we get into this rant, I want you to know that I am, for once, coming into this one from a position of knowledge. I think it must have been around 1989 when I won the Fenwicks Lego building competition in the Newcastle store during the Summer holidays. It was a snazzy postman/wishing well themed piece that won me, from memory, about £25 worth of Lego....result.

When I went to Fenwicks to get my voucher spent, I had a few options. It was tough. I could either have blue, red green, black, white....I thought that the choices were endless. The bits were all pretty simple, blocks with the occasional flat piece or those funny little upside down ones.

So, whats happened to Lego then?

These days, you buy a box of Lego and its more like a prefabricated, kinder surprise style, toy. No imagination required, no building, just piecing together a 3D Puzzle. Thats not the fun of Lego....Lego is all about making thing from your imagination, not following a pattern.

Look at this,

Take it apart and what have you got? Nothing thats reusable in any other way thats for sure. Bunch of arse.

No wonder we have to import Polish guys to build our houses these days, no one in this country can lay bricks any more!

Fishing Hell

2010-08-23T13:02:00.000-07:00

So, we promised the kids that we would get them a pet. The wife wont have a cat so we went for a Goldfish instead. Minimum fuss and dead easy to replace when they die.

We had a classic style fishbowl in the garage which the kids washed out and filled up with gravel, a lump of my A level Shap granite and a little bridge....all the trappings that the fish about town would need.

Today was they day that we would buy the little thing and my little girl already had the name sorted.....buttercup. More cow like that fish like, but i wasn't going to argue.

The first shop was a tropical fish shop only and when we asked if they sold goldfish you would have though that they were being asked if they sold their own shite in pretty boxes. So on we go to the garden centre and had a try there.

We were refused permission to buy one in there because we didn't have a big enough tank, we didn't have a filter and we didn't have a heater. This is for a goldfish. I'm sure that we used to win goldfish at the hoppings and carry them home in a plastic bag. People used to keep them in jam jars and all sorts and no one gave a shit.

Turns out now that we can only get one if the kids are background checked, that we provide a HIPS pack and can guarantee an en suite, a south facing garden and a water bed. I wouldn't care, but on pretty much every tank we looked at in the garden centre had 3 or 4 dead fish floating in it.

Sentimental Old Fool

2010-08-12T14:11:00.000-07:00

Now if I, as a manager, were to tell someone that they were no longer required to work for a company because they were too old, then they would be dancing out of the Industrial Tribunal office faster than you could say where there's blame there's a claim.

So David Beckham, who hasn't played a game for months, has been unceremoniously dropped by Capello just based on his age. Whatever happened to "If your good enough your young enough?" I cant help but think that there is something going on here and I have two thoughts.

Firstly, I think Capello is being the stereotypical sneaky little Eyetye. There was a clause in Capellos contract that basically said that if things went working out after the world cup, then he could be removed from the position with a much reduced settlement package. Furthermore, there was a gentlemans agreement between the FA and Capello that said that if Capello was asked to become manager of AC Milan, he would be able to walk away.

So, what happened before the world cup? Capello puts out stories suggesting that he is being courted by Milan....what are the odds. So the FA decide to pin him down and remove the break clause that would have allowed him to leave after the world cup on the back of the dismal performances and set his salary at £6m per year. Not bad for what is effectively a part time role.

So, where am I going with this? The guy is on a two year contract, £6m per year so with my rudimentary maths thats £12m. Now, he can either take 2 years of abuse and hassle to get that money of can can act like a total cock and force the FA into action to remove him for £12m. It must be nice to know that you can do what the hell you like in your job, knowing that the boss cant afford to sack you.

The second conspiracy theory that I have is that he's had his hand forced into this by the FA. Capello's quote after last nights game was "I hope when David is okay he can play his last game here at Wembley in a friendly to say goodbye and thank you very much to the crowd"

Say goodbye to the bloody crowd? When did football become sentimental? I don't think it has. I think that the FA need to pay for the new Wembley. So they have the next friendly billed as the farewell to Beckham game and sell it out and fill it with people selling Becks memorabilia. One more pay day to help pay off the mortgage.

I dont understand the idea of giving away England caps for sentimental reasons, it diminishes the highest honour that an English footballer can have and the net result is the drop outs that we see before international games and the piss poor displays.

Bring back Bobby Moore, Stuart Pearce and John Kay.

BA - I pity the fools

2010-07-26T12:28:00.000-07:00

It amazes me that in these difficult times when the economy is so royally buggered, that some people just keep on pushing and pushing...strangling the corporate bodies that they are meant to be representing.

BA staff, or rather the communist party workers council acting for BA, are about to take legal action to have none contractual travel perks reinstated after they were withdrawn during three strikes earlier in the year.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-10765373

"We will continue to support our members financially and legally to ensure that every avenue is explored to achieve justice for these loyal and professional men and women who have been so badly treated by their employer."

Loyal and professional? They were on strike and were warned that they would lose the perks if they did so. They really don't seem to get that the are killing BA, no one will book with them when they are a) so expensive b) no guaranteed that they will be on the flights they book.

They will get 75% of something or 100% of nothing....a bankrupt company. Should BA go bust, lets see you get another job at another airline with similar pay and perks......but you wont get that will you? Your onto a good thing, stick with it.

While I am ranting, let me send out a thank you to David Forster. Im not sure if he is a regular rats rant reader, but if he isn't, then he bloody well should be! He is the NHS employee that said that the NHS Wall full of NHS employed "too many who are lazy, unproductive, obstinate, militant, aggressive at every turn" in his Facebook status.

Well done that man!

Mr Forster has declined to comment on the story...shame, I was hoping he would name names. I wonder how many Public sector workers are worried about cutbacks as they know for a fact they wont be able to get a job in the real world?

Just a thought.

Legend? Really?

2010-07-12T06:08:00.000-07:00

Well, Ill be honest, I sat for 3 hours on Friday night and watched the BBC and Sky reporters fighting it out live in Rothbury high street. Each on trying to out do the other to fill the live broadcast that was painfully embarrassing but very entertaining.

I know it lasted more than the three hours, but that was all I could take.....when they started to interview dogs that had shat in the area that Moat was sitting to find out what the area was like....I had to draw a line.

I think my highlight was the conversation they were having with a woman who's Mother was on the "wrong side" of the police cordon. They asked her if the man that was surrounded was indeed Mister Moat. She confirmed that her Mum said it was and so they flowed up and asked....."How does she know it was him?". First class journalism.....his face has been plastered on every newspaper and TV show for a week and he's been hiding in Rothbury for the best part of that time. He's six foot four of ginger muscle.....I think i would spot him in my back garden. It got better...."He has a gun, is it his gun?" she was asked. I was desperate for her to say "well, my mum couldn't see who's gun it was so she walked over to ask him to look at the name tag on it but the police asked her to keep out of the way."

My main regret is that I turned off before what must be the strangest event in the history of live crime scene broadcasts.....the arrival of Gazza.

\http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ZHnWpLQtyo

It was just 20 years ago that this man was the top player at Italia 90 and, arguably, the best player at the entire tournament. Friday night just cemented his place as a clown....and not in the cute, humerous and loveable way. A drunk bum who genuinely thought that the police would let him talk to a suicidal maniac just because he had a fashioning line, booze, chicken, bread and a dressing gown. I feel sorry for the lad, he's had some terrible advice over the years and has surrounded himself with "friends" that have just let him down time and time again.

Anyway, back to Mr Psyhco. I know a few people that were close to the happening to the last week. A paramedic that was on the scene and a man who was good friends with the unfortunate, unarmed traffic policeman that was shot in the face. He will need to have his face rebuilt and may lose his sight all together.

It makes me feel sick to think that some people are calling Moat a Legend. A good man. A Gentleman. He was fucking insane. If this has happened in the US, they would have shot him on sight and asked questions later. The police, and other services, put themselves in greeted anger to try and save this mans life. They didn't pull the trigger, he did. A monster of a man that very few will cry over....but sadly those few will hold him in very high regard. Tragic.

Scream if you want to go faster

2010-07-09T14:49:00.000-07:00

This may have been going on for years and I just haven't noticed it....but when did people start to scream when new guests are introduced on to a chat show? And now on Jonathan ross.....Jimmie Car. WOOOOOOOOOOOO. Hello Jimmy, how are you? WOOOOOOO.

What a bunch or arse.

Do these tits in the audience act like this in real life?

Waiter - Hello sir, can I take your order?
Tit - WOOOOOOOO.
Waiter - Please leave.
Tit - WOOOOOOOO.
Waiter - No, really.

Whats wrong with a round of applause?

I am absolutely convinced that someone on the floor team is forcing people to scream/whooop. Either that or they have them off their tits on blue smarties and fizzy pop. Its not a natural reaction to anything other than someone jumping out and grabbing you in a haunted house.

Taxing times

2010-06-30T03:33:00.001-07:00

So, I have to pay some taxes to the Inland Revenue today. You would have thought with the national deficit being about the same size as small planet, that they would be very keen to take my money off me wouldn't you? WRONG!

The letter that I received has a phone number on which I have called four times before 10.30 today and each time it rang out for about 3 minutes without a pick up. I checked for an alternative number and gave that a try.

The first twenty seconds tells you that you really should try the website for more details. The next forty seconds again pushes you towards another phone number if your query is about something totally unrelated or, again, their website. So a minute in, you go to the options menu and my option is, naturally, last. I press that and I am warned that I need reference numbers and have to be an authorised person before they will speak to me.....check, thats fine, let me progress. Two rings and, just a little over two minutes into my call, im cut off as they are too busy to take my call.

Why cant they have a queueing system like everywhere else on the planet? I've wasted a morning trying to give them money....no wonder that the country is skint and we cant compete with the far East in terms of efficiencies....we have to spend all day on the bastard phone.

Public/Private

2010-06-26T13:18:00.001-07:00

Well, its been almost two years in the making but I'm ready to rant again!

So, in the last two years you may have heard about a global economic problem and something called the credit crunch or some such. You may have noticed that in my last rant that I have copied from the archive was dated 18th May 2008 was all about cutting your cloth according to your means.

Effectively, the government of this country, and many other to be fair, have been spending more that they have been generating in tax income for many years based on crazy growth projections that were unsustainable. Im not sure if the government were setting the example of following.

So, we are now in the poo. We will have to work to the age of 70 and everyone is facing higher taxes and lower happiness. So why is it that whenever there is a show on the TV or radio do they always, without fail, wheel out someone from the council or the Inland revenue to tell us how hard their life will be without their formula based pay rises every half hour or so? Im amazed that they find time in between their equality workshops to spout off to the mic to be honest.

The government have even gone to the lengths of trying to find a bit of common sense from within the Public sector and asked workers to suggest where savings could be made. The very cheek of it!

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/financetopics/budget/7850878/Fury-as-ministers-ask-public-workers-to-suggest-their-own-spending-cuts.html

"FURY" It happens in every big company I have worked for, if you suggest a cost saving you take a cut of the savings and a pat on the back.....but noooooo, not in public sector land.

Well, if your asking me for an idea, how about this. I was chatting to a guy the other day who is a gardner working for a lcoal council. Have a guess how many days holiday he gets per year. Go on, take a punt. Thirty bloody days! This isn't a high flying executive, its a bloody labourer. I have never heard of anyone in the private sector getting 30 days holiday....its unheard of.

If your that unhappy with your lot, go and get a real bloody job and see how tough life is in the real world.

18th May 2008

2010-06-26T13:11:00.000-07:00

I heard on the radio today that an organisation called Transact, an organisation who dish out advice to people with severe personal debts, are seeing some of their offices in some of the most affluent areas of the company being inundated with demands for help.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/7406752.stm

The guy being interviewed on the radio suggested that a recent case he came across was typical and that a professional household with and income of £70k per year had racked up £70k of credit card debt. They claim that rising fuel costs had caught them out and made things a little tight, so much so that the guy had committed suicide.

I couldn't believe what i was hearing.

Firstly, how the hell it is possible for two people that are stupid enough to have £70k on credit cards manage to hold down jobs that bring in £70k per year?????

Secondly, what the hell had rising utility bills got to do with £70k of credit card debt? They have quite clearly got a bad cash of keeping up with the Joneses and decided to credit card their lifestyle rather than just getting new, and poorer, friends.

To quote them "Many of the people Transact sees have taken advantage of easy access to credit or extended mortgages to pay for home improvements or just general spending." That is funny, because when I get endless junk mail through my door offering massive and cheap loans, my first thought isn't "my back garden would look great with a hot tub" or "how many Mercs would that buy", its I wonder which daft twats decide to take out a loan due to a flyer in their letter box?

If you want to improve your home or just fancy a spell of "general spending"...save up and pay for it. If you cant afford it, don't get it done. Cut your cloth according to your means.

It wont be long before the government pick up on this and see a great way of buying some votes for the next election. There will be some form of help for these idiots with huge extensions and huge conservatories, and even bigger debts. The likes of me that have been prudent and controlled in their spending will bet screwed over again no doubt.

29th June 2007

2010-06-26T13:10:00.002-07:00

I've been sitting on this one for a while now as when I first heard this, I thought it was a wind up. I was waiting for the headlines to say "Gotcha" and would be made to look like a right arse.

But no.....it has been a month now so it has to be true. What the hell am I on about?

Shoplifters will soon be able to get out jail free cards!

So.....to sort our our crime situation we can do one of two things. Get tough, build more prisons and put the scum away. Get Charles Bronson out of retirement.

That all sounds like hard work to the government.

If the poor little shoplifter agrees to be subject to an Acceptable Behaviour Contract (ABC), then they will be hit with a whopping £50-£80 fine. You think that's bad? If they behave for the period of the ABC, which could be for as little as three months, then the fine will be written off.

The average amount shoplifted is £105. With a worse case of an £80 fine....that's not bad odds is it? The stats tell me that the 3.5 MILLION people not deterred by these whopping fines in the last three years and that this has added £1000 per year to each consumers shopping bills.

Yet again, decent honest people have to subsidise the scum. The little shites. I must be the stupid one for following the rules and doing things the hard way as it seems much easier to play the game their way.

The best thing is, and you will love this, is that a home office spokesman (that must be an error on the BBC website there, surely it should be a spokesperson?) was qutoed as saying;

"Breaching the terms of an ABC can have serious consequences. The next step may be the issuing of an ASBO for example."

I bet the little scrotum's are shitting themselves at the thought of putting a bit of thought and dedication into getting their ASBO badge of honour. They don't dish them out willy nilly any more you know!

22nd June 2007

2010-06-26T13:10:00.001-07:00

Around three weeks back now, I took my little girl to the swimming pool in Whitley bay. Its a nice morning out, there is a wave machine, a diving pool a slide and loads of lovely treats for a young child (and an immature Dad!)

With our lass being a little bit up the duff at the minute, she chose to relax at the side of the pool in the seating area while I raced up and down the slide with the rug rat. After about ten minutes, I looked over to the wife so that we could wave from the top of the slide and bugger me if there isn't a guy holding up a mobile phone taking pictures of the pool.

Now a few years back it just wouldn't have bothered me and if I had read a post like this, I would have gone crackers thinking it was an over reaction. But when its your little girl and you think for a second that some peado might be taking a lend, I promise you, your not a happy camper.

I tried waving at Linda to alert her to the danger and she offered me a towel, a pot noodle and a bag of cement. Apparently she doesn't know the international sign language for "there's a peado taking pictures behind you". Amature.

So I wandered over to the life guard and said "look mate, I dont want to draw attention to this, but there is a guy over there taking pics of kids with a camera". He thanked me, hopped off his oversized breakfast bar stool and wandered over to him.

There was a chat and the guy looked a little rebuffed but put his phone away. I enjoyed the rest of my swim and then met up with the wife after changing. She asked what was going on as the man had been over and had a word and after I looked chuffed with myself. I told her of my one man mission to wipe scum of the streets.

She then told me that the pool man had said "excuse me mate, you will have to put that phone away", the guy responded with "oh, im not using it to make calls, im just taking pictures". At this point, I would have expected, at the very least, for the pool man to pull out a set of duelling pistons and asked him in tot he car park. No, no, no, no. His response......."ah, thats ok then".

What the hell!

The next time you turn the news on and a council estate has been ripped apart as a crowd with pitchforks play hunt the nonce, just remeber that they are not in the estates, they are down at the baths filling their dirty little boots.

I tried calling the centre manager later that day and they promised a "training review".

Thank Christ for that.

3rd May 2007

2010-06-26T13:09:00.001-07:00

I have heard that Americans think that the English have bad teeth. I heard that once in it stuck in my mind so that has to be classed as a fact now as far as I am concerned. In fact, it’s amazing how easy it is to jump from a total fabrication to a fact when it suits my rants, but let’s not dwell on that right now.

Why does that annoy me…..well it doesn’t. But don’t worry, I’m not turning soft. I was thinking of this today at 9.39am. How can I be so precise? Because I had a dentist appointment at 9.30am and when I got to see the dentist at 9.35, it took only four minutes to give me a thorough check up, about as thorough a check as you can get In 45 second I imagine, and a filling. Imagine that.

I’ll leave you for a second to take that in.

In just over the time it takes for the adverts to finish in a TV programme, my dentist managed to check my teeth, put in a filling and take £43.60 of my trouser pocket. Stunning.

Now, lets assume that it takes a minute to drag the next victim (or should that be patient) into the chair after me. The makes it a ten minute job. So that’s £262 per hour. £1831 per day. £12,218 per week. £40,286 per month. £483,437 per year. Half a million quid per year.

Yes they have rent to pay, a receptionist and they might also have to take an hour off to laugh their tits off at us mugs over lunch….but that’s not a bad seam to drill is it, if you can excuse the pun.

I asked the receptionist is that wasn’t a little steep for 9 minutes work, even my wife cant burn cash at that rate. She said that they weren’t happy about it either. I had to wonder if it was because the new Porsche she is driving doesn’t have heated seats.

It is a new system by all accounts. You can have as many filling as you like for that £43.60 and the idea is to get all the people who haven’t been to the dentist for ages back to the dentist so that they can have all of their teeth mended at once for a good price. The bloody NHS dentist having a two for one sale for gods sake.

If I am getting charged £43.60, then I am 99% sure that the dentist will pass that back to the NHS and take back more than that…id love to know how much. And if its possible to carry out a dental check up in four minutes.

Its no wonder we all have bad teeth, we cant afford to have good ones.

Bastards

1st April 2007

2010-06-26T13:07:00.001-07:00

For some reason, when I woke up this morning, I remembered that it was April 1st. So when the radio alarm popped itself on, I was ready for the best that the guys and gals or BBC Radio 5 Live could throw at me. No April fooling of me in 2007….I was sure of that.

The opening news item was that the Welsh had scrapped their prescription charges whilst the rest of the British Isles had upped theirs by 20p to £6.75. They weren’t about to catch me out with that type of chatter!

I mentioned to my wife that I had spotted the BBC April Fool joke and that they would have to be sharper than that to beat me. Imagine my surprise when I sat down to watch the news tonight and the stories still being run.

I was always told that if you kept an April fools joke going after Lunchtime, then the fooler became the fool. So I have jumped on the BBC website and bugger me if the cunning bastard’s haven’t double bluffed me. 

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/wales/6513579.stm

How the bloody hell can that be right?

I don’t have any facts or figures and, to be honest, I’m scared that if I look for them I will find something that doesn’t back up my rant and so im not going to! But I am pretty sure that the average English tax payer HAS to be subsidising our little Welsh friends. Given that they now have their own Assembly, which cant some cheap, this has to be getting worse.

I can just imagine a large train leaving London every weekend heading for either Cardiff or Lanphargogogogogogilllygonggillygoogoo station. When it stops, twenty ex-miners with blacked faces and hard hats on, the lamps having been replaced by Leeks gather around the doors and unload the 500 huge mail sacks filled to bursting points with fifty pound notes.

They then take that back to the Welsh Assembly and they spend the rest of the week working out how to spend it.

“Dafydd, what shall we do with our oooodles of pounds this week boyo?”
“I`ll tell you what we shall do with it Gareth, lets spend it on buying free prescription for everyone in the valleys look you…that will piss them there English boys off now”

This all links in to my rant of earlier this week. When I was ill the other week, I had to have three separate prescriptions. It cost me the best part of £20 to get better. Thank god I work for a good company that kept on paying me while I was off ill. My previous job would have cost me a weeks wages and £20.

But al least I could lie in my death bed not being able to afford to eat, happy knowing that the £20 that I had spent on £4 worth of tablets and a throat spray had partially funded both the nicotine patches for a lazy twat that cant be arsed to work AND, indirectly, the free prescription for a Welsh patriot who needs Aloe Vera for the burns received whilst burning down holiday homes.

26th March 2007

2010-06-26T13:06:00.001-07:00

It was close to being the first day of summer today. Blue skies and sunshine for the first time in ages, which was funny considering the snow that we had the same time of the week before. When I walked out of the office in daylight with a colleague, I really fancied a pint. Maybe under one of those patio heaters, but outside in a beer garden would be the icing on the cake!

I couldn’t do that, I had to get home. Its payday on Friday and there is too much month at the end of the money. I was also knackered, the result of a pretty hard day with the prospect of more work when I got home.

It was walking up High Bridge Street that I suddenly realised that things were just wrong. I guy that looked to be in his early fifties, but you could tell that time hadn’t been kind to him so he may have been anywhere from 30 to 60, fell out of the pub and into the street absolutely hammered.

In summary, I had worked hard all day to earn enough money to go home and sit. He had spent all day getting pissed, which was exactly what I wanted to be doing! Who’s the idiot?

It got me thinking. I play by the rules. My wife is self employed and she plays by the rules. We pay our taxes, we pay the bills, we don’t default. We just do what we are meant to do and assume that that’s the best way. Is it?

I applied for an `ease` card from North Tyneside Council. Its only a few quid and you get discounts for at Swimming pools, Gyms, community centres and such like. When I filled out the forms, I noticed that you could get a priority ease card for free. Always on the lookout for a bargain, I thought to myself….”free…that’s my price band!”.

So what did you have to do to get the free card? Easy. You had to be unemployed, disabled, a migrant worker, claiming housing benefits, on the dole, even people related to people who are claiming sick benefits can hop on the gravy train.

You can claim all sorts on benefits and freebies if your unemployed. Cinema tickets. Bus travel. Train tickets. Childcare support. Free prescriptions. Evening classes. On the Metro, you can save £10 per month on your weekly pass. You can get grants for doing up your home and making it energy efficient. None of these are available to those that get off their arse and do the work.

Can you blame them? If your out of work and have no skills, what are you going to do? Take a lowly paid job and loose all of these benefits and so make yourself worse off in real terms? No. You sit back, take the freebies and let an eager Polish immigrant do the hard work while you knock back the White Lightening and suck my taxes out of my pocket.

What benefits do I get for working hard? The joy of knowing that my contribution to society is paying for a scally to get pissed then come to my house and pinch my car stereo while I sleep. I know that some people have it tough. I know that some people find it hard to find a new job. I feel for them, I really do. But is there really an incentive to look that hard for a job when you get so well looked after when you cant get one? Imagine if every day was a duvet day!

Anyway, enough ranting for tonight, I have work to do now and then It my turn to stay up all night and make sure the car isn’t nicked tonight.

26th March 2007

2010-06-26T13:04:00.000-07:00

28th Jan 2007...Lets have a Mini Adventure

2010-06-26T13:03:00.002-07:00

......no lets not.

I really dont know what they piss me off so much, but I bastard well HATE minis.

I think that the cars themselves are ok. They look ok. They are nippy. They dont seem to have any major flaws to them. They are almost British. So why the problem?

Ill tell you what it is shall I? (Ill we be a dull rant if I dont so I better really).

There are four types of people that drive Minis;

1) Old people that, no doubt, used to drive the origional Mini - dont have a problem with that.

2) Flowery, flouncy, stupid glasses wearing, mincy graphic designer type men that ponce around in their stupid little cars at 22.5 mph. Tend to obe yellow and tend to have a checky roof. Wankers.

3) Fat boilers that work as estate agents. Tends to be a company car and so they have ZERO respect for their motor. They tend to be the minis that bounce from lane to lane and then bounce over the curb. Trolls.

4) Spolit little rich girls/boys. Usually spotted in and around Jesmond or Pony clubs up and down the country. Pathetic, horrible, spoilt little benders. They tend to be the ones with soft toys on the back parcel shelf and private number plates.

I followed a `class 4 mini tit` on the coast road today. It was bright yellow, I had followed it from the Coach Lane Campus, it had a private plate, so it was your classic spoilt little bastard mobile. Spikey bleached hair, large diamond ring, the mincer little diamond ear ring (nearly a class 2 mini tit but no glasses)...he had it all. Underneath his private plate was a little message...."time for a mini-adventure".

What a dick.

"time for a mini penis" more like.

13th Jan 2007

2010-06-26T13:03:00.001-07:00

Nothing to rant about tonight, but I do have an observation.

I was sitting on the Metro on that way home from work last night next to two old ladies. They spent the journey from The Monument to Benton listing;

1) The own ailments (starting with a runny nose and then the competition kicked in. In the end, they both agreed that they had both had had all of their major internal organs taken out and their blood replaced with Lucozade)

2) All of their friends who had died or were on their way out. I never knew that there were so many dead people to list! They must buy the Chronicle every night and tick the deaths off. When they spot one that they dont know they must pick up key facts to pretend they know them for their next game of "metro deaths swapsys"

3) Family memebers who had not phones/visited/sent a card this Christmas. The funny thing was, that the only ones that they mentioned were either lawyers, doctors or brain surgeons. Either they both were from a family of egg heads of they were big headed kying old cows.

They did smell a little bit like piss as well.

Not to worry, I got a great recipe for rock buns.

15th December 2006

2010-06-26T13:01:00.000-07:00

I have never liked busses and despite the fact that my 5 minute trip to the metro station can be dragged out into a 20 drive, I almost forgot why I hated them so much but this week I remember why I hate busses so much.

The last time I used to get a bus regularly was when I was at school and that was free. But the occasional time I missed the school bus and had to get the service bus, it was a bloody mystery to me.

People would get on and as for a 60p or a 70p or a 90p, drop the correct change on to the plate and walk on. Now I didn’t have the first bastard idea how much it was to go home, so I asked for a half to Stocksfield. I might as well have pulled down my pants and shat on his dashboard. After much huffing and puffing and checking a little laminated sheet full of grids, he barked the fair at me and grunted a threat under his breath. The only thing that matched his hate for me was the other people behind me in the Queue who had been held up for an extra 40 seconds. Bastards.

I have to say, when I got the bus from the top of my street to the metro for the first time and stated my destination, I was asked for £1.20. I handed over my cash. No problems. Done. Busses have advanced.

I have religiously made sure that I have £1.20 in change every time I have taken the bus since then, even if that involves me popping to the shop on the way to the bus stop to buy a milkshake. Why I always pick Banana milkshake as my pointless purchase for change I cant even begin to explain, but I digress.

Tuesday morning started of like any other December day. Showered, dried, changed out the house and wife stolen my loose change from my pockets. I got my £20 note out of my wallet to get my change sorted at the corner shop and BANG. Rat, we have a problem. The shop was shut.

I could see that the bus was on the way so I thought knackers so it, she’s bound to have change. So the bus pulls up, I state my destination, she asks for £1.20 and I offer her my £20 note. Again, if I had pulled down my zip, lobbed out the old chap and her coin tray and pissed in her pound slot, she couldn’t have been any more shocked.

She actually said, “What am I meant to do with that?” I thought about asking her to roll it up and snort some coke of her dashboard, but I could tell she was in no mood for my humour. I meekly told her that I didn’t have any change and that there wasn’t much I could do. “Well, you will have to just get on I can’t do anything with that”.

Surely to god when she gets on the bus in the morning, she must think to herself “mmm, lots of people will get on my bus today and I will have to give then change, why don’t I stock up on coins.” Daft cow.

One other thing that really makes me uneasy when I get on to a bus is where I put my £1.20. Is it proper etiquette to put the money on the tray or into the drivers hand? I have tried it both ways and they seem to be equally pissed off by both options. Bus drivers should be warned when they apply for the job “this job may involve talking to passengers – please leave now if this is going to be a problem”. Toss pots. I might try putting £20 of coppers into a sports sock and spinning it around my head and embedding it in there forehead on Monday. Bastards will have plenty of change then.

From 3rd Dec 2006

2010-06-26T13:00:00.004-07:00

Prices at the Match

I was at the Sunderland Norwich Game and it was bloody cold and bloody miserable. What a perfect combination help power a fresh rant!

They (Sunderland) have a special deal on at the moment where you can get yourself a pie and a pint for ONLY……wait for it…….four pounds forty!

So that’s a pint of Kronenberg 1664 served in a plastic glass and a pukka pie for £4.40.

While I admit that I am a tight old bugger, I really find it hard to find anything special about being charged £4.40 for a pie and a pint. £2.20 for a pint in the Colliery Tavern opposite that stadium and no more than a quid for a decent pie….that takes us to £3.30.

I remember when I first started to go to the games at Roker park, you could get a pie for 50p. Frequently the middle fo the pie was frozen solid, so maybe the extra cost it to pay for the microwave?

I have been looking into RPI numbers that measure inflation.

Source http://www.incomesdata.co.uk/statistics/rpitable.htm
Dec 1999 – RPI = 129.9
Oct 2006 – RPI = 200.4

That means that my 50p pie from 1990 would be worth 77p in today’s money…so why is £1.30 for a pie? I’d rather eat my own shite that buy a pie at the ground….even if it is defrosted.

The other thing that puts me off is that fact that the pies are Pukka pies and they are closely associated with evil.

“Pukka Pies sponsorship deal with the England Supporters Band, now known as the "Pukka Pies England Band", with the backing of former England Manager, Graham Taylor”
Source http://www.pukkapies.co.uk/

Everything that is wrong with modern day football in one nice little bundle….overpriced pies and piped in ‘atmosphere’ provided by a gang of losers that can play the bloody drums and a trumpet. In my day, if you turned up to a football match with a trumpet, you would have very quickly found out if you could have played it with it stuck up your arse. These days you get a bloody sponsorship deal….how has it turned so wrong so quickly?

I blame the fans. They tried to play James browns ‘I feel good’ after goals at the stadium of light when we first moved in there but when fans were found shinning up the stadium to try and rip down the speakers, it soon stopped. Fans provide the noise at a football match and if anyone needs a tune to remind them that the need to celebrate, then they should be shopping with the wife and not spoiling my day out. Bastards.

From 9th November 2006

2010-06-26T13:00:00.003-07:00

Well, what a day!

Maybe the happiest day of my life.

I was driving home from town today toward Jesmond when a Renault Clio tried to pull out in front of me from Akenside Terrace. Despite my ranty rat reputation, im a very nice chap and often let people in front of me. Given that this Clio had her fog lamps on (it was dark, but not a hint of fog or mist) I thought she can go and shite.

She pulled out behind me and I muttered quite a bit about the lights and my wife muttered about me muttering. Nothing new there then.

Then I heard a toot.

I looked in the mirror to see if the Clio lady had taken offence at my lack of good grace but she was looking off to her right. I checke the drivers side wing mirror (that lump of glass on the right hand door ladies) and bugger me if there wasn't a police car stopped in the outside lane.

Now from here, I dont know what was said, but I can take a guess.

The Clio lady looked flustered and starting waving her arms around her dashboard. All of her lights went off.

The Policman shook his head and then all the lights came back on. I have to assume that the policeman has asked her to turn off her fog lamps as it wasnt foggy and the useless bint didnt have a clue what she was doing or what buttons worked her lights.

By this time the lights has changed and I was starting to pull away and the police car had his flashy lights on pulling her over. The final nail in her coffin was that she pulled up in the middle of the road and not the off street parking at the cemetry around 20 yards ahead of her.

Proof that the dozy bitch shouldnt be on the road at all if she;

a) cant park her car in a sensivle place
b) doesnt even know how to turn her lights on and off never mind understand when the lights should be used.

Three cheers to the Boys in Blue.....I have to assume that he has read my previous rant and that hes a fan. Next stop is the postmen PC plod!

From 1st November 2006

2010-06-26T13:00:00.001-07:00

Sunderland got beat last night and the temperatures have suddenly dropped to near arctic conditions, so with this in minm it was never going to be the best journey to work. The metro problems on the 'south side' of the tracks to town mean that the all of the cave dwellers from that side of the tracks are making the long trip around the houses. So when my metro pulled in today and it was standing room only I knew it wasnt going to be an easy newspaper reading jaunt into work.

As always, everyone already on board gathered as close to the doors as possible making it as hard as they could for everyone to get on. I made my polite excuse and made my way into the aisle in a little bit of space. There was a lady who, I would guess, would be in her late twenties facing me and was blatently pregnant to the tune of around four months.

I looked at her. I looked at her bump. She looked at me. I looked at the eight people in the two groups of four seats either side of us. They hid behind their newspapers. I looked back at the lass and rolled my eyes. "Dont worry, I'm used to it" she said to me but loudly enough to let one of the eight bits of scum stuck on the seat to hear and maybe redeem themselves. Not a bastard twitch.

Five blokes, all looked to be mid twentties or below, and three women. All of them more in need of their seat than a pregnant woman. Scum. One of the ladies must have been around 50 and lookd just the sort of prim and proper biddie that works in Fenwicks or John Lewis that write letters to the Chroniicle starting "The youth of today.....". Your slightly thicker scum that the rest of the retards refusing to give up your patch of England as you should know better you pompus sickly smelling over made up bags of vomit.

If I had any balls I would have asked them to take a look at the poor girl and point out that that lump up her jumper wasn't a cushion that she carried around just in case she struck lucky and got a seat, it was a bloody half built baby. My limpness, and morbid fear of being stabbed, stopped me from a spontanious outburst of sarcasm but my got I was making a fist in my pocket and muttering under my breath.

The poor lass got a seat in the end, but only for one stop before she got off at Jesmond. I just hope that the metro trip hasnt put her off teaching the little lump manners when it pops out to say hello given that the rest of the world has. Im going to keep my eye out for her tomorrow and I will get that girl a seat, even if it means taking a deck chair with me. I might even get asked to be the godfather. You messing with me?