Ravings of a confused soul

Guessing

2012-06-08T23:12:00.003-07:00

Is it wrong to keep the guy guessing I wondered to myself as I sat on my bed late one night

I came up with the answer mostly no and a lil yes depending on the extent of mystery your exuding lol

In the case I was thinking about with the guy I was making guess and trying to figure my inner workings out it was a totally plausible game plan as far as I am concerned

Reason one a lil too clingy so it created a little bit of space for me

Reason two I wasn't sure if I wanted to delve into a relationship so again more space less attachment

Reason three when a guy likes you and can't completely read you it keep mystery and a veil about you which is exciting because they never fully know with you

I could keep going with the reasons why it's good but now for the reasons why it can sometimes be bad

Reason one you could make the guy feel unwanted which is never good you don't want to hurt his feelings

Reason two he could become bored and think your playing games treating him like a yo-yo and then you lose your Mr. or have a possible confrontation which is never good

So you really have to feel out the guy and the situation and choose carefully the amount of guessing you want him to do and really think about the reason you want your guy to be guess like:

-your bored so you wanna play with his emotions(that's a no go)

-your wanting to test how much he likes you(not the best reason but if he's made you doubt his caring maybe a lil guessing to see if he's interested in figuring you out still is ok if careful about it)

-if he's clingy and you change things up like per-say don't let him sleepover two nights in a row(totally fine in my book)

My situation I had to keep our pattern ever changing just so things didn't get too deep to fast

I thought about explaining that I needed time to think about everything but in the past guys have not liked that at all and my friend told me in what I said the guys pretty much heard I want to keep you on the back burner until I know someone better isn't gonna show up

So this time I just made a little bit of mystery about myself and intentions instead of being and open book and honest and have the guy translate what I said into something so far from what I meant

Love

2012-03-20T20:32:00.003-07:00

So lethal and yet so passionate
You trample and breakdown the strong and weak alike
You leave us scarred and untrusting left to wander in our pain
You bring on so many sleepless and drunken nights
You embrace us and leave us in anger and sadness
You leave us wanting and needing but still we remain empty handed
You give us burrowing self doubt and crush our hopes
There are two very different sides to you and both come and go freely
You are unpredictable to many and unattainable to many

Why so serious........

2011-12-20T18:17:00.000-08:00

Sharing a bottle of wine with one of my long time friends I catch her staring at me for a long time without blinking
So I ask her what's on her mind and she says well....... YOU!
So i'm like ya what about me has you pondering while I finish this bottle all by myself
She looks at me temporarily sobering up and wide eyed and say's "your too damn serious!"
So then I go into one of my self analyzing moments that tend to drag on far too long
And I snap out of it to her waving her hand in front of my face, she's like see your too damn serious
I tell her not all the time and M's like 90% of the time it's like life has broken you, your not how you use to be
An truth be told i'm not how I use to be if you were to go back 5 years ago you wouldn't reconize me or be able to make sense of how she morphed into me...
So I asked M what in life do you think changed me or rather grinded me into who I am now
M responds simple answer: attachment abuse lies heartache or another words: Men!
I was like all that does have something to do with who I am now but that can't be it there's more don't you think? M's like lets see I want you to write down a list of songs that relate to how you feel something you might put on a playlist So I hunted down a scrap of paper and a pen and thought for a few minutes and this is what I came up with
1.E.S.T. White lies
2.Cry for love Iggy Pop
3.Above and below The Bravery
4.Early Winter Gwen Stefani
5.Hurt NIN
6.Carry my body down Nick 13
7.For the restless Tom Mcrae
8.Sleep Dandy Warhols
9.More than this The Cure
10.Wrong Depeche Mode
11.Wash Away Joe Purdy
12.We are nowhere and it's now Bright Eyes

She's Like look at this all fucking depressing shit about hating your life and bad relationships
Then she's like ok besides the beginnings of your past relationships when was the last time you felt truely happy and relaxed and not so fucking serious?
5 or so minutes pass.......
I was like about 5 1/2 years ago
She's like ok what happened in your life 5 1/2 years ago that changed things?
...... a relationship, my first serious relationship
M's like there you fucking go Men and bad relationship's have been the Chupacabra that have sucked the fucking life outta you!
After laughing about the Chupacabra analogy I ask her what do you purpose I do to save my remaining life juice?
M's response become monk like and swear off sex and all human contact besides lively conversations with your crazy ass friends over a bottle of wine....
Oh really I say and what the fuck do you think i've been doing the past few month's obviously if you think i've been having sex and "physical" contact it must have been while sleeping
M's like well damn hmmm...... since you've tried that well maybe fuck it I don't know grab another bottle and crack it open!
So thus end's my friends drunken half cocked Dr.Phil analysis of me and my issues left without a diagnosis lol

Bound to nothingness

2011-12-06T04:25:00.000-08:00

Bound tight with longing
By silken cords of desire

Burning emotions chain and bind her
Wrapped around her
A slave of love always unrequited

She wakes to the cold emptiness
She bends her will to try to forget

She softly calls out to what is never there
Cold damp chills of loneliness circle about
She beckons to the vast nothing

She’s left bound and longing for what is never there
She’s left longing for what will never be there

It is

2011-11-26T21:35:00.000-08:00

Love is
a myth
a mirage
a cage of torture
a way to cripple one's self
something that can bring even the strongest person on there knees
Love is something I wish away
something I will hide from
Love is something I wish to purge from my soul and wash from my body
Love is the most violent and despicable disease
Love has no cure, no weakness
Once infected
always weak
always open to pain
always
Love is always no matter what
love is a curse that can't be lifted it's just always

Carelessly Tormented

2011-11-24T00:02:00.000-08:00

I feel the collapse I feel the downfall the struggle that rages all tangled up on the inside.
All tearing me up on the inside I feel the destruction and the severity of it all.
I tear at everything ripping it all to pieces leaving nothing left but the broken.
I claw at anything to stop this downfall.
I felt it all grasping and choking me tightly I feel the numbness and welcome it.
Letting go and falling back into the blank grayness.
Letting the dust and cobwebs scatter about this broken heart of mine
I let these useless emotions crackle and breakdown into nothingness.
I’m cascading into a swirl of negative emotions that have burdened and surrounded my presence.
I look into the ravaged darkness that reflects my carelessly tormented heart and just release myself to it‘s darkness.

Bared

2011-11-16T18:33:00.000-08:00

Bare your eyes but hide your soul
Spread the weakness like the cancerous disappointment embedded upon your path
Watch the tears melt into your hidden places
Flowing and flowing yet gone in a second
Never more seen but always felt burning deep

Pieces

2011-10-28T11:22:00.000-07:00

I push it all away left quiet and alone

Lost in thoughts far too deep for a safe escape

Frightened by what will become of what has already became

Cobwebs in the corners and dust under the rug

Flames shadows burned forever more in the darkness cast up the walls

Nightmares dance upon the broken wishes that lay scattered in the wind

Skeletons frail decrepitating long forgotten rattle upon the cold night’s chill

Tears washed down upon the reflections of what once was

Night never escaping the rain of the cold October’s eve

Lost and scattered forgotten and broken

Once more alone forever more

Little angel just self destructs

2011-10-09T23:01:00.000-07:00

She does it to herself she just did it to herself again never know why she does this time and time again.
There’s just something wrong with her, self destruct cut the flesh let it go fade away.
What is wrong with her she just says nothing and keep it all inside.
she feel as though she needs to leave and check out, just let it go and self destruct again.
Somebody just put her out of this misery she’ll never know when this will end somebody just end this.
Never know how she feels, never know what to do, she’ll never know all that she destroys now self destruct.
Just self destruct cut the flesh fade away give in.
she feels as if she is running from all that she has become never know if it was all just her fault.
Never know if she will deserve all that she receives broken down beat down runaway let it go.
Wingless angel self destructs daily cuts herself deeply and prays to no one, faith lost with the wings she never had.
Self worth pawned long ago with that crooked halo of hers.
Thorns adorn her cuts poison seeping out those weeping eyes leaving black stains down her porcelain skin .
Faith no more, lost when those imaginary wings were lost, lost when that innocence faded along with her smile.
She self destructs she cuts the flesh now she just lets go and she’s fading away unnoticed.
She looks up at the sky screaming go to hell I’m better off with out you better off without your empty promises.
How could you deceive me, all is well being lost without you.
You sold me out I always thought I could trust you.
Wingless angel self destructs daily, cuts herself deeply and prays to no one, faith lost with those wings she never had.
Scrub those stains away but tarnished you’ll always be let the poison seep scrub those stains once again.
Stains lie like badges on her porcelain skin representing the self destruction and her faith no more.
Little fallen angel wingless forever more, self destructs daily and cuts herself deeply prays to no one faith lost with those wings she never had.
Little angel just self destructs.

Velvet

2011-10-09T22:33:00.000-07:00

Here I lie on my back staring up at the night sky, thinking of disappearing into it all.
I let the cold night air embrace me as it sends shivers up an down my spine.
This mysterious darkness comes alive in me on nights like this.
The urge to lie here till time ends, envelopes my thoughts.
A star glittering in the sky suddenly erases this nights entire being.
Now I am reborn out of this velvet trance.

Black hole

2011-10-07T00:54:00.000-07:00

I find myself so utterly depressed.
I feel like I am spinning around in circles and only darkness and echoes are surrounding me.
I feel like my next breath is a hopeless and worthless attempt at life.
I just need to accomplish one thing on my list just one thing and I feel like things will lighten up a bit.
I just find it impossible to accomplish anything no matter how hard I try.
Everything on my list ties into each other so with out one thing accomplished nothing else will be accomplished.
I feel so ridiculous that i'm struggling so much at this age with such simple things.
The sad part is I have nowhere to look for help.
The one person that would help doesn't have the means to.
An the one that promises never fallows through and I can't do it on my own I have tried.

I am just so lost and and sinking into the darkness further and further.
I need to reach out and grab hold of a rope soon or I think I might just give up all together.
I know I sound overly dramatic and emo but it's become very overwhelming with everything.
I have tried to keep as positive as I can about everything.
Simply because what you put out into the universe comes back threefold and everything but it's very hard.
I've been struggling here for so long with no light at the end of the tunnel and i'm scared that my tunnels finally caving in.
I just need a break just one small break one good thing to get me close enough to my goals to lift some negativity off.

Rush Much?

2011-09-26T19:23:00.000-07:00

It's kind of strange and confusing for me right now.
Most people refer to chicks as being desperate and fast when it comes to relationships.
But I've come across so many guys that have just tried to tie me down into a relationship with them.
I don't know maybe I'm the abnormal one but I think it takes more then one or two dates to decide to enter a relationship.
Truth be told I think the reason the guys are trying to make things move so fast isn't really about sex, it's about being alone.
I can appreciate getting a bit lonesome at times but i'd rather be lonely then stuck in a bad relationship again.

It's just really funny people wonder why there in unhappy relationship and there mismatched.
The big one why there partner is looking somewhere else.
Maybe it's because there unhappy with the lack of common ground and all the tension from the differances.
What do people expect when you rush into something with rose colored glasses just because there lonely or horny.
The sad part is if you want to take something slow to actually see what you might be getting into you get criticized.
At least from my experiences so far iv been told I just wasn't interested, that i'm playing games and threatened.
Seriously just from wanting to know someone better before I decide to date them.

So now I ask myself and you what happened to all the sane non-clingy excuse my language "non-bitch" like men?

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Vacant

2011-09-11T19:38:00.000-07:00

Thoughts among the mass of confusion
Lost upon the fallen scatters of my heart
Timeless waking memories plaguing my nightly visitations from my ghostly apparitions
Carved and locked away in the flesh are my trepidations
Calloused and scarred are these hands from holding on to what has been gone far too long
Letting the flames dance upon my hem let it burn
Let me burn, burn like my tattered soul lost and gone
My ashes scattered upon the darkened horizon

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Off the subject

2011-09-05T10:27:00.000-07:00

I really don’t understand life or people or the actions people make.
What I have strived to understand for a long time is why are we all here.
What are we meant to do or be while we exist? It seems like some people are driven by money but what’s the point in that? When your 80 years old what’s a sports car going to do for you? Then there are people that are driven by curiosity why this and if I do this what will happen? I sometimes find myself saying why and maybe if and what if? Then there are those driven by love I classify myself most with this category. I find myself driven to love and seek out love.
But life and people aren’t that easy just to be able to bring someone whole existence to love. Life is way to complicated and people are too…. well plain and simple “fucked up“. Even if you can find that one person that makes you feel like you could walk through fire and they feel the same towards you it doesn’t mean “shit”. I always thought love is it, it’s the answer everything bad will melt away with love. But then reality strikes when loves involved everything you feel is intensified the good, the bad, and the ugly. And boy have I been seeing a lot of bad and ugly lately. You know how your mom tells you when your younger you will know when you find your one and only? Well she’s not telling you it will be so obvious because your heart will lay scattered in pieces more then once by this person. And your head will be so foggy you will feel like a smoke machine went off in there. I have come to realize if you find that all magically happily ever after and it seems that perfect, there’s something there hiding under the surface. I know some people reading this are going to disagree but there is no perfect there’s always a flaw a blemish nothing is perfect “EVER”. An if you think there is such a thing as perfection sucks to be you. So maybe you should grab some Vicodin. Because when your bubble is popped the pain of reality is going to hurt a lot.
I have had multiple bubbles popped throughout my life. You would think I learn to stay out of fantasy land by now. But I guess dreamers dream, too bad dreamers sometimes evoke nightmare unknowingly. And sometimes lovers evoke heartache all while knowing it’s a big possibility from the beginning. I wonder why sometimes it feels like we have take the odds even if there not really in our favor? Is it some way we punish ourselves by going into something that doesn’t seem like a good idea to begin with? Or do we believe that we are so amazing and wonderful we can make it work no matter what stands in our way? I mean there is that person that said love conquers all I really wish sometimes I could just kick that “bastard” in the face and tell him to shut it! But were always going to have those up beat positive whispers clouding our better judgment I guess we got to pick and choose when to listen. Because I have found more so then not it is a good idea to judge a book by it’s cover. And you can’t survive on love alone unless you plan on becoming a cannibal and eating the one you love when your hungry. And I don’t know about you, but if I can’t eat veal or lamb because there too cute I am never going to be able to eat Tom, Dick or Harry!

Oubliette

2011-09-05T08:48:00.002-07:00

Transcend my thoughts, bypass my reality
Mesmerize and confine me in this place, in this time twisting and turning spinning a spell
Everything silent and truly taboo
Insanity in this place of quiet night
Flames furiously ignite full of mystery and mayhem
Dark tress in the distance bending and waving
Lost in my mind, in this strange oubliette
With darkness creeping ever closer
Within endless dark eternally caught

Broken

2010-12-19T14:40:00.000-08:00

I have nothing and no one I run from these false promises.

I seek refuge from these false people and there persona's.

The distance I've run from these memories, this pain that scars me.

Clouded by the hope I should of let go a long time ago.

Believing in someone who has left me but remains an empty shell by my side.

Here I've been right beside you, but you've imprisoned me in this box and forgotten me.

Alone with nothing peering into this pinhole realizing you have cast me into this prison.

Through my hope, through my love I have been blinded, broken and locked away.

I peer through the blackness of my dungeon.

Unfulfilled wishes helplessness and a broken heart all casualties of your love.

My many scars may be carried out with these two hands but there creation is all yours.

Through the darkness I now clearly see this all started with the false sense of security that you fed me and the invented love that you choked me with.

Feed me no more here I lie you're hand prints around my neck.

It's all been seen you're puppet I've been, the strings you've wrenched now lay limp and afoul before me.

Chained

2010-06-27T16:04:00.000-07:00

Lost in your silence and uncertainty

I pass by you scared to know how you feel or don't feel

I know how I feel with no uncertainties except your feelings

Day by day I walk by you on eggshells with my feelings closed up.

Never being able to fully share my thoughts to you for fear of your true feelings

I kiss you with open lips but I speak to you with closed lips

Never able to share my deep feelings never able to fully fall into your arms

Part of me is lost and hidden with your silent thoughts

The quietness of your heart casts a shadow upon me

Closed

2010-06-17T13:59:00.000-07:00

Breathing..... alone and completely dying little by little inside.
Slowly shriveling away from this existance.
Eyes closed and sight displaced by the lack of love she recieves.
Curled up in the darkness lost in the mass of blankets she hides herself in.
She opens her heart onley to be left over and over yet again.
Never more will she feel the security of someone at her side.
Back against the wall she will never have all that she thought she had but was mistaken.

Beaten

2010-06-04T11:50:00.000-07:00

I'm crumbling unable to scream out muted by your presence.
Forever lost in all that I give to you never repaid and replenished.
I go on malnourished from your lack of caring or your self nurtured stupidity.
Walked all over and custom fit when at your side.
But blamed and broken from you at a distance.
Future less in your mind I crawl into my corner shaken by the tears cutting at my skin.
Lost in your shadow my identity is forgotten by you.
So I crumble and crawl a faceless mute with everything kicked into the blank space atop my shoulders.
Still though I scream out muted but heard only by myself.
Lost in all the inability thrust upon me.

Foreshadow

2010-05-18T15:34:00.000-07:00

I'm glad you don't notice, i'm glad that you can't see.
So happy to blend into the shadows, so happy to be unheard.
Forever I followed adding to the value of your life.
Forever no more I shall be cast the shadow to your light.
Lost in all of you, made into the hollow.
Never more shall I be lurking in your existance.
Veiled in your importance and my lack of.

Quick quote

2010-05-11T22:52:00.000-07:00

"The slowest way to end it all is through living my life with the depression that numbs my happiness"

Broken Defeat

2010-05-11T22:23:00.000-07:00

Trapped knowing that one day all I am will end. Lock the doors close the windows hiding behind what you think I am. Forever more what you see is a false representation of who I am. Look past who I really am because all you see is this generic mask of what you want. Classify me and file me away with all of your toys. Locked away behind these doors and closed in behind these windows. Wind me up and play with me broken and hidden with what you want. Yet still I stay trapped knowing that all I am not will not end. Because all I was has ended because of you.