Ray McMullen Fine Art Photography

Seeing My Toe for the First Time

2019-07-15T13:29:00.003-04:00

Today I woke up with a bit of excitement knowing that I would be seeing what my toe now looked like after, the partial amputation to remove the bone infection. This would be one step closer to getting my kidney transplant and one step closer to taking back my life.

The fact of the matter is that immediately following the toe surgery, my foot felt normal once again. I was in no pain and my foot more specifically, my big toe, was no longer mad (infected). It felt as it did years before the diagnosis. It felt content and normal. This was a bit alarming as I was use to having neuropathy in my feet and now, it felt normal once again. I felt like I was moving my toe and that all was right in the world once again. But, looking at my foot, I knew it wasn’t. The spot where my big toe once sat was a bit shorter and wrapped with bandages. In addition, my foot was secured in an inflatable boot for stability. I kept thinking to myself… What have I done now?

In the days after the surgery I really didn’t want to take any pain medications, as I wanted to really focus on the physical recovery of this amputated appendage. As the anesthesia started wearing off, it became more apparent what had actually happened to my foot. I would have conversations with my foot, explaining my decision on the amputation. As I spoke to it, what felt like electric shocks would go thru my foot down to where my toe uses to be. This would happen quite frequently. And as they did, I would start with the talk once again until the jolts of energy became less frequent. Eventually this tapered into nonexistence.

Then came the learning how to walk with this boot and the crutches. I’ve been thru a lot but, I’ve never been on crutches. This experience is one I don’t want to repeat anytime in the future. I understand the need of crutches, but really don’t like them. Stairs were the one thing I found difficult to negotiate while on crutches. I always felt as though I was a coordinated person but after the crutches, not anymore.

Then, there came the recovery. See, I felt like as thought I’d been recovering for well over a year and I thought I was finished with this part of my journey, I was wrong. I had to sit with my foot elevated above my heart most of the time. And my foot would let me know if it wasn’t by throbbing a little. This would mandate my foot to be elevated and the throbbing would go away. I guess your body knows best, you just have to listen to what it is telling you.

Also, no driving and no work. This was the killer. I could not go anywhere or do anything that I wanted. Basically, just sit on the couch and write, email or call; this was the only connection that I had with the outside world, unless my wife took me out to do some grocery shopping or errand running around town.

So, now here it is… the day of seeing my foot for the first time, less the big toe. I entered the examining room sat on the table and was told to take off the boot that I had been wearing for the past 10 days. To be honest, I couldn’t wait to get it off as I had an itch that I could not reach just above my ankle, and I was about to touch it for the first time. After undoing the Velcro straps my foot was free. I lifted it up and if felt about 30 pounds lighter. I quickly hit that scratch on my ankle then I was looking at a completely bandaged foot. The nurse came in and started to cut off the dressings. I really didn’t want to look while she was doing this. My wife was there and captured the below photos for posterity. So, here it was, time to look. My wife told me to be prepared. I directed my head towards my feet and slowly opened my eyes to what could be described as a happy foot less a big toe. It was a shock to see it there feeling normal but in actuality it was not. A couple rows of stitches only accentuated the fact the toe was missing. My eyes followed my foot starting at the ankle and worked its way across my foot, over the knuckle of the big to and that familiar look of my toe was there and as I got to the first digit of the toe, it just stopped. The thing is, it felt like the toe was totally there. I was able to move it and only the nub would move.

My mind raced to catch up to what had happened and I started the inner discussion with my foot, reassuring it was all a part of the journey that we are now on. We didn’t want it but this is it. Constantly reminding my foot how happy it was, without the infection working its way into the body. My body quickly agreed and everything was good. I sat there in relief that this part of the journey was now over. More healing, stitch removal in a couple of weeks, and a possible return to work after inner healing on this area has happened. This is what my future will hold.

finding my kidney donor

2019-07-10T14:14:00.001-04:00

I can attest that there’s nothing more exciting than finding your organ donor. But imagine coming home after a hard dialysis treatment and wishing you didn’t have to do them anymore and there was no light at the end of the tunnel; only to have your best friend, soulmate and wife tell you that she got a call and that she was an excellent match for a kidney transplant.

 I had been battling cancer and dealing with dialysis treatments 3 days a week for 2 years. I had been given the news that my cancer was in stringent remission however, I still needed to do dialysis treatments until I could get accepted into a transplant program. I finally did get accepted into the transplant program at Vanderbilt University, the only problem was with my blood type. I was looking at a six to eight year wait. I was happy just to be in the program. 

 My journey continued, day after day, dialysis treatment after dialysis treatment. I felt like the walls were closing in on me and there was no end in sight. The dialysis treatments were exhausting and really depleted my spirits. There is the diet, the lack of fluids, the venerability to heat and the physical tole the treatments put on your body. I would have an easy treatment and think, “I got this” one day, only to be followed up with a hard treatment that would leave me drained, tired and cramping. This would go on for weeks and months. 

 After returning home from a hard treatment, my wife excitedly greeted me at the door. I felt happy to have made it home and to be greeted with this excitement was very welcoming. The first thing I noticed was my phone had several missed calls on it from her, as well as some text messages. I started to get concerned and asked her what was wrong. I felt bad having missed these attempts to contact me. I started to get worried. She told me to sit down she needed to tell me something. I refused, I had been through so much up to this point I knew there was nothing she could tell me that would make me loose my balance. I was tuff and knew my limits. I told her to just tell me. That’s when she dropped the bomb on me. She told me that she had sent in her blood samples for the kidney donor swap program and she received a call last night. 

 It was at this point I expected her to tell me that she had been accepted in to this program. She then explained that we had the same blood type which was a shock to me as we thought that she was a different blood type all together. Not only that, she had matching endogens which makes her a perfect kidney match. They were working on getting her qualified to be a living donor for my kidney. The emotions ran over me and I fell to my knees, with tears in my eyes I looked up at her and asked her if this is what she really wanted to do. She knelt down beside me with her arms around me and said of course she did. I really don’t think I had felt an unconditional love from anyone more than her at that moment. I almost come to tears as I look back at that moment in my journey. Having being dealt with bad report after bad report, I had never expected to get this news. 

 My whole attitude changed. I felt as though I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I was not alone in this journey of getting a kidney transplant. It has been 2 months since I got that news and we are currently waiting for the date to be set so I can receive her kidney. There is not a day that goes by where I see her and think to myself how lucky I truly am to have found my soulmate angle, and having the ability to spend my life with such a selfless person. Just knowing that I will have a piece of her with me makes me feel honored.

The Fight for My Life

2019-07-09T05:53:00.000-04:00

When you are lying in a bed without the ability to get up and walk away, it makes you to really face the feelings of hearing the words “you have cancer”. You don’t truly know the seriousness of the situation until you hear the words “you are within hours of expiring” and that everyone is going to do everything possible to give you a fighting chance. I was told that the type of cancer I had, Multiple Myeloma, was not going to be a sprint to the finish, where they could just remove the affected area and work with the chemo drugs. But a marathon, and that I needed to pace myself for a long process of treatments and recovery, and even after all the treatments I would always have the cancer. We would have to control it for the rest of my life with drugs. On top of all the cancer and treatments, I was additionally told that the cancer had taken my kidneys. So not only was a now a cancer patient I was also a dialysis patient.

The reality in my mind was, had I gone in as soon as I felt bad, I may have been able to get ahead of this whole situation. I would not be sitting in an ICU unit with a catheter, diagnosed with cancer and in complete renal failure. There I was, given a couple of days to feel sorry for myself. Then a switch flipped and I realized, I’m not done. I had more things to do, and it was not time to say good bye to everyone I knew and loved. That was the beginning of the fight for my life.

I am able to sit down and write about it 2 and half years later. I still have not lost that drive and fight. I actually feel stronger than I did before the diagnosis. I’ve gone through a stem cell transplant and the cancer is now in stringent remission. I do take chemo injections 2 times a month and keeping our eyes open for the resurgence of the condition. I am also on a kidney transplant list at Vanderbilt, where I expect to receive a kidney within the next few months. Life is good.

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The First Guy I Ever Knocked Out

2019-07-08T11:46:00.000-04:00

I had just started a job with Home Depot. So, I was up for anything that would bring me some recognition. We had been having a lot of theft in the store and whenever I could be of assistance I was right there. The one thing that I can’t stand is a thief. One evening I got a call from my store manager. He needed some help and asked for me to give him a hand. This was the opportunity I was looking for. I handed off what I was doing to another associate and went in pursuit of my manager. On the way to catch him I passed a display of pipe wrenches, so I picked one of them up as I was not sure what I was walking into. I caught up to him outside in back of the store. He looked at me and told me to be quiet. We slowly approached the back corner of the store, to find a guy picking merchandise off the ground. His partner had been throwing products over the back fence to him and he was collecting the bounty. My adrenaline started to pump and I was ready for anything. We were recognized almost immediately. My manager told me to grab him, and that’s just what I did. I had my arms around him in a bear hug. The thief was trying to break my hold and wanted to get away. There were a lot of names being called out and finally my manager told me to take him down. So, I picked him up and slammed him on the ground. Then everything went quiet, there was no more struggling, no more cussing, hell I had to check to see if the guy was even breathing. Fortunately, he was. I really thought that I had killed this guy. I have to say that I was a bit shaken from this. When I grabbed him, I still had the pipe wrench in one of my hands. So, when I slammed him on the ground, the wrench struck him on the jaw, knocking him out cold. At one point I thought I heard him snoring. Finally, the police arrived and took charge of the situation. The guy made a full recovery and was later arrested. I think I got a pat on the back from 3 different officers that night. That was the first guy I ever knocked out.

I lost my big toe..

2019-07-07T09:49:00.001-04:00

Two weeks after my final test for my kidney transplant, I received a call from my oncologist. He was reporting to me that the PET Scan test came back and everything looked as he had expected. However, he wanted to know what was going on with my right foot, more specifically my right big toe. Without disclosing this to the doctors or testing staff, I felt as though I had an ingrown toe nail and that I was going to go to a pediatrist when I returned home. I laughed and told my oncologist the situation. He prescribed an antibiotic to help with the infection, and I told him I would go see my doctor. I was able to get with my doctor a few days later and had him look at it. It was determined that we stay the course with the prescribed medication and the he wanted to look at it in a week.

A week had passed and the toe felt the same. My doctor wanted to try one other type of antibiotics to see if they would help, and if not, he would get me in with a Pediatrist. Needless to say, his prescribed medication did not work either and I was quickly sent to see a foot specialist. This specialist found that I did have an ingrown toe nail and was able to get it out. However, he wanted an MRI done to make sure that the infection wasn’t in the bone, and he felt that he had taken care of the problem.

Later that evening, I received a call and was told that unfortunately the infection was in the bone. I was given 2 options.

1. Endure 6 weeks of intravenous antibiotics and hope that it takes care of the infection. And if not, the toe would need to be amputated.

2. Go straight to the amputation.

I had been dealt with problems like this in the past 2 years with my physical wellbeing and I knew the direction that I needed to go. I opted for the amputation. I didn’t want to deal with all the logistics of doing a 6-week run of antibiotics just to have the toe amputated anyway. Let’s just get is over and done with. So, I could just focus on getting my kidney transplant.

As I write this, I am looking at a bit of a nub where my big toe use to be. I feel like the soreness that I am experiencing is my body realizing that there is something missing. I have a sharp pain where my toe should be it lasts for a few seconds and it goes away. I’ve mentally dealt with the fact my toe is gone, I guess my body now needs to catch up and realize it is gone and it is for the best. It is difficult to know that I am going to have to stay off of my foot for a couple of weeks, and just let it heal.

What Cancer has Given Me

2019-06-23T07:08:00.000-04:00

After my diagnosis, I was forced to slow down a bit from my everyday life. In doing so, I was able to appreciate the little things in life. Things that I would have just passed over without a second thought, like:

1. Colors—Colors are more vibrant and I see so many more then I ever had before. It’s as if I’m seeing things with different eyes.

2. Taste—I developed a taste for foods that I never liked before. All the things that I liked had bolder flavors.

3. Relationships—I felt a need to listen to people when they spoke. Instead of waiting to speak, I actually was listening to what people had to say. I found a greater desire to connect with people.

Having cancer did feel like a death sentence at first. However, after living with it for a couple of years and finding my new normal, I really don’t think that I would change a thing. I have a new appreciation for life and if my cancer comes back… I would do it all over again. Because, I’m not done yet.

Connecting with People

2019-06-16T13:03:00.000-04:00

After being diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma, I found a new desire to connect with people. I learned that talking to people is one of the most valuable things we as humans can do to grow and develop. No pre-conceived judgements or thoughts about anyone. You can’t judge a book by its cover. Just a one on one discussion about life and sharing time. It’s one of the most valuable things to me. We’re not guaranteed tomorrow, we only have right now. If you are reading this, contact me. Let’s talk and get to know each other. You might just be surprised how much you like it. Start living your dream and share your passions…

Morning Visitor

2019-06-01T08:44:00.001-04:00

My breakfast companion.

Beautiful Sky...

2019-05-30T10:32:00.001-04:00

Birthday Flowers Opening

2019-05-25T07:48:00.001-04:00

Parking at Vanderbilt.

2019-05-22T08:02:00.001-04:00

Early morning

I’m back Nashville...

2019-05-22T07:22:00.001-04:00

One more waiting room.

Feeling the Need

2019-05-20T06:21:00.001-04:00

To explore

It’s a beautiful day

2019-05-19T13:58:00.001-04:00

Warm weather and breezy

I Have a Feeling a Transplant is in My Future...

2019-05-19T12:08:00.001-04:00

Kidney Transplant

It’s been awhile

2019-05-19T11:19:00.001-04:00

Sorry for taking so long to post, I’ve been dealing with some health issues. But, I’m back...

Why I Clean My Lenses

2014-02-09T10:54:00.002-05:00

I was out on a location shooting some breath taking scenes, and I was happy to be there in the moment. Having my camera made it all the more sweet. I spent most of my day getting different perspectives of this amazing place.

I got back to my office to down load my shots and I couldn't have been more proud. After everything had been downloaded I began to review each shot carefully. After the first 5 shots I realized that there were spots on the images and they were not birds, but dirt on my lens, I was devastated.

The day before I had been up in the mountains shooting some waterfalls. It was a windy day, and some spray must have landed on the lens and attracted dust on the lens. Now I will be spending some quality time removing these spots from each frame I shot.

After this particular experience... I've made cleaning my lenses a part of my after shooting check list.

Climbing in the Spring in Tennessee.

2013-04-06T08:11:00.001-04:00

Beauty In The Morning

2012-06-23T13:03:00.001-04:00

As a photographer, I find it lucky to have an internal clock that gets me up at the crack of dawn every day. You see, I find this to be the best time of the day to take photos. The light is soft and everything that I capture seems to be just waking up to a new day, and I love it.

To me, it makes the day all the more special when you have the opportunity to be there when it begins.

Cheers!

Building a Workspace/Building a Dream

2012-06-11T11:49:00.003-04:00

I had been working from my kitchen for way too long. The decision was made to find or build a dedicated space where I could work on my photography. Less distraction equals more productivity. I knew that building a space would be better for me, so...

...I decided where this new space would be going in the back yard.

I also made the decision on the best size for my needs. The size chosen was a 10 x 16 basic back yard shed. I had read several articles about people with limited space doing this same thing. I would consider myself a DIYer and I would be finishing the space myself, and at my own pace to fit my needs and budget.

I found a local dealer and spoke to them about my plans and idea for the work space. With some minor alterations like door location and window heights, it was perfect. I placed my order, and I could not have been more thrilled about the decision. Within 5 weeks it was delivered and placed in the spot in the back yard.

I knew that I wanted it to look like an unfinished space. I really like the industrial look of urban lofts. No smooth walls and no paint of a particular color. I just didn't want a lot of decorating to be done. I like the look of raw wood and unpainted areas. It makes me think that it is a work in progress, and this is how I see myself. But, I also wanted a functioning area where I could down load, review, and process photos. This new space would serve as a creative area for me.

The decision was made to use OSB in the space for the finished walls. I also decided to use only a standard rug for the floors. The only things I truly needed were power, insulation, and a roof that would not leak. This building would be perfect, just a lot of work.

First things first... I needed power to the building. Winter was quickly falling on me and I knew I wanted to have some heat in there while I was trying to insulate and put the walls up. After several quotes, I decided on a local guy, who ended up doing a great job for me. I told him that I wanted the power run under ground so there would be no exposed wires. He also gave me the option of saving some money by digging my own trench. 5 days later it was done. I had power to the building and the hard work was about to begin.

I made a trip to the local Home Depot, and placed an order for the insulation, OSB, lighting, supplies for steps, and paneling for my white board. I also got to buy a table saw. Did I mention that I like tools?

Now, the real labor began. I had to get the insulation fitted and stapled up. I also had to get the walls cut properly, fitted and screwed on. I used 10 to 15 pounds of screws just for the walls.

After a week of dealing with the walls and vaulted ceiling, it was time to get the steps in so I could walk into my new space with out the need of concrete blocks.

What would the space be without an AC/Heating unit, this too was purchased from Home Depot. After I installed the unit, I decided to improve the lighting in the space. I decided on a pair of tract lights so I could control where my light would hit. I also made the decision to build a small work bench for the framing of my pieces.

With the additions of these extras, I bought a rug and was ready to move in. Knowing I had to be connected to the World Wide Web, I chose to go wireless. This eliminated the need for someone to come out and run another line. So I purchased a long-range wireless router.

I'm typing this blog post from my new workspace(photos to be posted soon). I've been in it now for the past 4 months. The only thing that I've done is caulk the joints in the floor to make more of an air tight seal.

This was a valuable investment and I am seeing immediate benefits from it. No distractions from house hold demands and I find myself getting lost in the creative process.

Lessons learned from this project. Measure twice and cut once. Make sure your measurements are right the first time. It will save you money, and just take your time. I would recommend this to any avid weekend do it yourselfer. A very doable project for the person who needs some extra space.

A Hot Day In Tennessee...

2012-06-02T08:06:00.001-04:00

A few weeks ago, on an unseasonably hot day, I came across this shot. I was about 3 miles into a 7 mile hike. This natural bridge just jumped out at me, as I took a break from the trail. I had been on this trail before and never saw it. I guess you never know what you can find when you're out.

Cheers!

Another Hot Day In Tennessee...

2012-05-27T14:07:00.002-04:00

I took this shot on a break, during a 6 mile hike. This trail had it all... waterfalls, wildlife, and plenty of vegetation. I just got finished with my drink and looked up and spotted this image and knew I had to capture it.

Cheers!

First Photos I Ever Sold…

2012-05-16T10:39:00.002-04:00

The below photos were some of the first photos I ever sold. In fact, they played a big part on my home sale. In an effort to stage my home, I printed them up and hung them on my wall; the colors were a perfect accent to my living room. There was an offer on the home and that offer included these photographs. Well, the couple that made that offer owns the house to this day, and I like to think my photos had something to do with that sale.

There is no place like home...

2012-05-13T06:13:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I wonder why I ended up in Tennessee and I go out on a hike and come across the below scene.

I walk a bit further down the trail and I get this...

Yes, I think I'm just where I need to be... Home in Tennessee.

Cheers!

Another Stormy Day In Georgia

2012-05-11T12:05:00.002-04:00