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Tyler Greene was the 30th overall selection in the 2005 draft.  It was the Cardinals second pick that year; they took Colby Rasmus two spots earlier.  At this point, both players appear to be busts, really.  I suppose St. Louis fans can take solace knowing that the Cards flipped Rasmus for important pieces in their World Series run.  But there’s little consolation on Greene’s side of things.  He’s awful, and it’s clear that he’s not a long term option as an everyday 2B.  There is hope for St. Louis, however.  Kolten Wong is officially the Cardinals’ 2B of the future.  He took that right after being drafted 22nd overall a year ago, and his performance in the minors has only solidified his position as such.

Out of the University of Hawaii, Wong made his pro debut at Low-A Quad Cities where he batted .355/.401/.510 over 222 PA.  Most had him pegged for High-A to open 2012, but the Cardinals chose to move him along more aggressively, sending him to Double-A Springfield out of camp.  The 21-year-old has responded by hitting .305/.381/.441 through his first 32 games in the Texas League.  At 5-9, 190, Wong is small, but he can handle the bat and he can provide some pop too.  His advanced approach to hitting has allowed for an easy transition to Double-A and it will surely shorten his path to the bigs.  I expect an arrival sometime early in 2013, but if Wong continues to get on base while increasing his XBH production, I wouldn’t be surprised to see him at Busch Stadium this September.  Once he’s settled in the majors, look for Wong to post a .300+ average along with 15 homers and double-digit steals.  He’s my favorite 2B prospect in the minors and he’ll be valuable in all fantasy formats.

Robbie Erlin | LHP, Padres | Born:  10/8/1989

In my 2011 Padres Review, I noted that for fantasy purposes Joe Wieland and Robbie Erlin were essentially the same dude.  Wieland had a bit more polish, and that earned him some starts earlier this year in the San Diego rotation, but now he’s on the DL and the Padres are starting 37-year-old Jeff Suppan.  Sure, Suppan’s been serviceable through his first few starts, but it won’t last and neither will he.  And if Wieland doesn’t rebound quickly from his elbow ailment, the Padres could certainly look to Erlin for help.

Procured in the Mike Adams swap last year, Erlin has been at Double-A San Antonio ever since.  Through his first 34 IP in 2012, he’s struck out 45 and earned a 2.67 ERA.  The only thing holding him back for now is command.  His BB/9 sits at 2.7 on the year, as opposed to the 1.0 BB/9 mark he posted over 147 innings of work in 2011.  He’s always been a plus command guy, which is why the slip in that regard is so perplexing.  This early in the season, I like to blame the sample and assume that Erlin will sort out the issue.  Once he does, he’ll have a fairly clear path to Petco.  Erlin should put up nice ERA and WHIP in the bigs, and his changeup could draw plenty of K’s too.   Of course, any pitcher throwing at Petco is worth fantasy consideration.  Erlin will certainly be no exception.

Brett Lawrie – Got two marginal-to-bad strike calls on him and went DRUNK HULK on the ump.  DRUNK HULK WISH UMP BAD THINGS LIKE HAVE TO TEACH FIELDING TO EDWIN ENCARNACION.  I hope the fact that Lawrie was right about the lousy calls gives him solace when he gets his 5-10 game suspension.

Freddie Freeman – Day-to-day with corneal abrasion.  I always thought corneal abrasion was being constipated after you ate corn.  Eh, what do I know?

Kevin Youkilis – On Wednesday, he will begin a minor league assignment.  That assignment is to re-injure himself so Middlebrooks can keep playing.  If he fails, Middlebrooks will be back in the minors in a week.

Josh Beckett – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Nothing kills the inspiration for country song writing like a start vs. the Mariners.

Alfonso Soriano – Ended his HR drought on his 116th AB.  He’s also at 1 SB.  He went from 40/40 to probably 40 in 10 years.

Bryan LaHair – 1-for-4 with his 10th homer.  *phone rings*  “This is Grey.”  “LaHair  LaHere.  Sell this!”  *dial tone*

Chris Heisey – Has now started three games in a row and is 6 for his last 7.  In mixed leagues, it’s still wait and see right now, but he’s got a nice bat if Dusty would stop chewing on his toothpick long enough to let him play.

Johnny Cueto – 4 IP, 5 ER and his ERA is still 1.89.  Ridiculous.  I wouldn’t freak out just yet, ERAs aren’t meant to be that low.  Lance Lynn, “Shh!”

Matt Carpenter – 1-for-4 with his third homer as Berkman sat out sore.  Well, at least I didn’t have to talk about Craig’s three hits.  D’oh!

Jon Jay – Onto the DL with shoulder soreness.  Carlos Beltran and Lance Berkman can shift over to CF if the Cards schedule all home games in 2007.  Short of that, it’s going to be a blahtoon of Skip Schumacker and Shane “Reggie Cleveland All-Star” Robinson in CF.  If you don’t have the DL room, feel free to drop Jay in shallow leagues.

Jason Motte – 1 IP, 1 ER as he blew his 2nd save, but Dolis returned volley with a run, so Motte got the win.  With The Closepocalypse, it’s a wonder some games ever end.

Bartolo Colon – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 12 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Oh, no, Bartolo needs another collagen injection!  FWIWuertz, there should be a DRUNK BARTOLO Twitter account.

Cliff Lee – Pitched 8 innings of one run, 10 K ball against the Astros, but he still couldn’t earn his 1st win of the year because of a blown save by Chad Qualls.  Really?  Chad Qualls?  Fine, Papelbon needs a breather now and then but that’s the 2nd best option in the Phillies’ pen?  Ruben Amaro is tugging on something and it ain’t no McGraw.

Hunter Pence – 3-for-5 with his 8th and 9th homers, raising his RBIs to 25.  You can set your watch by Pence’s stats, and right now it’s 9:25.

Vance Worley – Scratched due to a sore arm.  If it’s sore, stop scratching!

Mike Moustakas – Hit his 5th homer yesterday.  Go, go, go, go, go, go, go…  It’s Greek Lightning!

Colby Lewis – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  We talk a bit about Colby later today in our podcast.  You can hardly wait.  No, you!

Scott Van Slyke – 0-for-4 as he got the start in the Dodgers’ outfield (and in the three hole), and will continue (to start in the outfield) while Kemp’s on the DL.  In Triple-A this year, he had 8 homers and a .336 average, showing solid plate discipline, but that was in the PCL.  Van Slyke looks like a ‘just okay’ grab for NL-Only leagues if you’re an outfielder down.  I will say this, he’s a much better fielder than Bobby Bonilla’s son.

Jake Peavy – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Cruised through 5 innings against the tough Tiger lineup, then got blasted for six in the 6th.  Ventura should’ve pulled him before he gave up the 3rd/4th/5th runs on a homer to Ryan friggin’ Raburn.  I think Ventura went to pull him out and Peavy’s southern drawl reminded him of Nolan Ryan and he wanted him to suffer.

Travis Ishikawa – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and 2 homers.  Eh, he’s nothing but a deep NL-Only flyer. Does that make sensei?  See, he is Sucky-san.

Jose Valverde – Left yesterday’s game with back stiffness that isn’t supposed to be serious.  Too bad, I was hoping for a reason why he’s been so terrible all year.  Octavio Dotel ended up saving the game after allowing two runs to be tacked onto Valverde’s line.  Thanks, friend!  I grabbed Benoit then dropped him immediately for Dotel.  My figuring is Dotel has a bit more closer experience.  He’s cagey!  It could easily be Benoit who sees saves too.  If anyone knows exactly which closer will be used while Valverde is on the mend, Dotel!

Max Scherzer – 4 IP, 5 ER.  You know how they’re doing that dopey MLB cave thing where they take a bunch of fans and subject them to every inning of every game like it’s Clockwork Orange?  I have a spinoff for MLB.  Tell one guy, while he’s been cooped up in the fan cave for the last two months, the entire west coast was wiped out due to an earthquake.  Then compare that heart rate with his when he owns both Scherzer and Gallardo in fantasy.

Anthony Bass – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  This comes two starts after he gave up 6 ER to Miami, so I’d grab Bass, but get ready to throw him back.

Josh Johnson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks with his first win, but second quality start in a row.  By Josh, I think he’s got it!  Sorry, that’s terrible.

Omar Infante – 4-for-5, 1 run and 2 RBIs.  Okay, I’d trade you Zack Cozart for Infante right now.  Can we make that happen?

Bryce Harper – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  On the bright side, ESPN’s 24 hour Harper news cycle has a 2nd highlight.

Stephen Strasburg – 4 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  The sub-par start was due to him being bothered by the ointment, Hot Stuff, in his groin area.  Now when he’s pitching well, Nats fans can yell, “It’s da bomb!” and when he’s pitching poorly, they can yell, “It’s da balm!”

Ervin Santana – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Pitchers like Ervin should have their own category.  They’re not Hodgepadres.  They’re not Marginers.  They’re mixed league starters that are must-starts against weaker offenses, then you pray in other starts.  Maybe you suggest a glossary term in the comments.

Albert Pujols – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs.  And just like that he’s hitting .212!  Yeah, that’s still not so good.

Mike Trout – 3-for-4, 3 runs and a slam (3) and legs (3).  Maybe he can have a half of a blurb on the ticker right when ESPN HARPER is going to commercial.

Adam Jones – 2-for-3, 2 runs and also a slam (11) and legs (6).  Let’s play a little game.  Who’s higher on the Razzball Player Rater?  Ryan Braun or Jones?  Bruce or Jones?

Wei-Yin Chen – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Lowered his ERA to 2.45 but unless I lowered my standards (see what I did there?) I wouldn’t pick him up in a mixed league.

Elliot Johnson – 2-for-4, I’m not going to point out again that he’s hot but I will point out that I’m not pointing out that he’s hot.

Alex Cobb – Sounds like he could take Niemann’s spot in the rotation.  He didn’t exactly shine last year in his call-up (6+ K/9, 3.90 xFIP), but in the minors he was able to push his K-rate towards 9 with decent ratios.  In AL-Only leagues, I’d grab him if you need to *pinkie to mouth* Cobble together some pitching.  And that was corny on the Cobb.  I’m on a roll!  Literally, it’s pumpernickel.

Derek Lowe – 9 IP, 0 ER, 10 baserunners, 0 Ks vs. Twins.  It was throwback day at Target Field.  Derek Lowe pitched like it was 2002, and the Twins hit like it was the Dead Ball Era.

Michael Brantley – 2-for-4 with a steal.  Now hitting around .350 in the last week with one steal.  Well, it’s better than batting .150 with nothing.  Hey, Hosmer!

Shin Soo-Choo – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 2nd homer.  He was Soo-Overdue.

A.J. Pierzynski – 5-for-5. 3 RBIs, 2 runs with 4 singles and a double.  Solid year for A.J. (.288, 24 RBIs is 4 more than Konerko) although I keep thinking he’s on Arizona.  That’s A.J. Pollock which is really close depending on how you pronounce it.

Yoenis Cespedes – Cleared for all baseball activities except hitting.  Cool, he can spit and grab himself now.

Manny Ramirez – Billy Beane knows that the Johnny Gomes show isn’t going to do too well in summer re-runs so get ready for May 30th when Manny brings his brand of zany mediocrity to Oakland’s part-time DH slot.  His show is called, “Once Too Manny” with Jerry Blevins as The Bleaver.

But now when you say “Smyly,” it evokes feelings of waiver-wire hang-ups; where if he hasn’t been picked up in your league, you probably had him all queued up or someone else has.   Buried underneath the Jacob Turner hype, Drew Smyly has progressed through the Tigers system like a nor’easter, pitching only 127.2 total innings in the minors and earning a spot in the Major League rotation just after Opening Day.

Smyly hasn’t been just good.  He’s been historically good.  He’s the first pitcher since earned runs have been a recorded stat to allow two or fewer in his first six career starts.  Throw in a K per 9 and a 34:10 K:BB ratio and it defies all logic that Smyly was on so many waiver wires in 10-team leagues.  Sure, it’s early and, sure, pitching is more than plentiful, but Smyly was making a case he should be owned in all formats.

So I decided to watch his start at U.S. Cellular Field against the White Sox and compare his outings to see if he’s improving while settling into the Majors:

First Inning: Smyly is all smiles after three early runs of support in the top of the frame, and on a 1-1 pitch, Alejandro De Aza slaps one right at Smyly, and the lefty ducks out of the way and De Aza gets a leadoff single.  Gordon Beckham flies out lazily to center, but then on the first pitch to Adam Dunn, Dunn was sitting on the first pitch fastball and it’s launched for a two-run homer.  You could just tell Dunn couldn’t wait for that pitch and it was exactly where he wanted it – right down the middle.  There’s your two runs, Drew.  Konerko flies out to right and Rios does as well, and Smyly rebounds nicely.  Even though he gave up two runs, it’s still only an 11-pitch inning and Smyly still has a lead.

Second Inning: Smyly starts the second a bit rocky with two straight sliders that miss badly to fall behind 2-0 to A.J. Pierzynski.  Smyly works it back to 2-1 and Pierzynski flies out to deep left, one down.  1-0 to Alexei Ramirez and Sexy Alexei flies out to short.  Five outs and five fly ball outs.  Smyly throws a great 92-MPH fastball right on the outside corner to get ahead in the count for the first time this inning to Dayan Viciedo.  Where was that first pitch to Dunn?  On 1-1, Viciedo pops out weakly to second.  Six outs all via the fly ball.

Third Inning: With another two runs of support, Smyly is back out there with a 5-2 lead.  Smyly starts Brent Morel with a fantastic curveball Morel takes for a strike, 0-1.  On 0-2, Smyly barely misses a called strike 3 with a 93 MPH fastball… Not sure where that missed.  And back with the curveball and Morel grounds out for Smyly’s first out not through the air.  Smyly again dials up a curveball for strike one looking to De Aza.  On 2-2, Smyly goes with a slider that breaks all the way across the zone to the dirt and De Aza can’t hold his swing, giving Smyly his first K on the evening.  On 1-2, Beckham flares a 95 MPH fastball into foul territory that Brennan Boesch barely can’t catch.  But 95 from Smyly!  That’s some serious heat.  And then he goes with a slider biting in on Beckham’s hands that s swung on and missed for Smyly’s second straight 1-2-3 inning.  What a repertoire Smyly is showing.

Fourth Inning: This time, Smyly doesn’t give Dunn a first pitch strike or a fastball, throwing a slider for ball one.  Smyly gets the count back to 1-2 still utilizing only off-speed.  Dunn works it full then Smyly dials up a cutter that started inside and cut right into the heart of the plate that Dunn takes for Smyly’s third straight K.  On 1-1 to Konerko, Smyly gets a flare popup that lands in no man’s land in right for a fluke single.  Smyly had retired nine in a row until that unfortunate single.  On 0-1, Rios gets jammed and pops up to Prince Fielder.  And on 1-0 Pierzynski flies out weakly to center and it’s another pain free inning for Smyly.

Fifth Inning: On 0-1 to Ramirez, Alexei smokes one to left for a single.  Out comes Gerald Laird for a quick talk… Other than Dunn’s blast, that was the best-hit ball for the White Sox.  Smyly goes back with a curve ball taken for strike one by Viciedo.  Then Smyly goes with a HORRIBLE slider, 85 MPH and it hung on a tee right down the middle.  Crushed.  Home run for Viciedo, 393 feet to left.  Let’s hope Smyly can rebound as strongly as he did after Dunn’s blast.  On 2-2, Morel chases a slider out of the zone and pops it out to second for the first out.  0-1 to De Aza, and it’s grounded weakly right to Smyly, two down.  Smyly goes up 0-2 on Beckham, but a 2-2 slider barely misses inside then Smyly loses him for his first walk.  The first pitch to Adam Dunn is a cutter that looked identical to the fastball Dunn crushed, but it wrinkles and cuts down and Dunn swings over it and almost out of his shoes.  Great pitch.  On 1-2, Smyly goes to the slider and gets Dunn to swing and miss to once again, again rebounding nicely after giving up a two-run homer.  And somewhat surprisingly, after only 69 pitches, Leyland takes out Smyly.

Final Line:  ND  69 Pitches (45 Strikes) 5 Hits  1 Walk  4 Earned Runs  4 Ks

Final Analysis: All post game reports indicate Smyly is completely healthy, and Leyland lifted his young southpaw so early due to concerns of the fly balls Smyly was giving up.  I think it was just an anomaly as even after the game his GB/FB rate is 0.93.  I think Smyly had at least another good inning in him and may have done a better job protecting the lead (reliever Luke Putkonen subsequently gave up three runs while only getting one out in the bottom of the 6^th), as he had sat down 9 straight and 3 straight after giving up the two two-run homers.

This was a great start to breakdown.  You look at the stat line and say to yourself, “5 innings and 4 earned… the magic must be coming to an end.”  It sure as hell isn’t.  Smyly made only two mistakes all night that happened to be absolutely crushed.  Of course you can’t make mistakes at this level, but Smyly wasn’t exactly pounded throughout his start, allowing only the 5 hits (one of which was a fluke flare single by Konerko) and one walk.

From what I saw in his debut, Smyly has taken tremendous strides.  It appears he’s given up on his changeup (I didn’t think I saw a single one) and is instead using a solid cutter for the same effect (like he utilized on Dunn in the fifth).  Smyly was able to throw his curveball for strikes and his slider as an out pitch, and even hit 95 on the gun with his fastball, improving his velocity from his debut.  The only real knock on Smyly is he’s going to be lifted out of games very early, as is par for the course for young pitchers these days.  But with his stuff and that offense behind him, Smyly needs to be owned in all formats.  If he’s still on your wire or if you missed out on him and an owner has cut him after this apparent “bad” outing, go and grab him.

The greatest player, as well as greatest drawing card during the aboriginal years of baseball, was “King” Kelly.  He was incredibly talented, ingenious, and charismatic; an impeccable dresser and flamboyant to the point of outrageousness – a vaudeville performer, in fact – and generous as well.  He was certainly a ladies man; and, indeed, the “King of Baseball.”

Kelly wore a handlebar mustache almost a century before Charlie O. Finley persuaded Rollie Fingers to sport the look. Perhaps the greatest showman and slugger of the 19th Century, Kelly was the prototype of Babe Ruth, sharing many of the same laudatory as well as self-destructive traits as the Colossus of Clout would display forty years later.

Kelly was recruited by Cap Anson, the legendary player-manager of the Chicago White Sox. Kelly first caught Cap’s eye during a game in 1879.  Kelly whacked a ball out to left field and attempted to turn a routine single into a double, but although he was apparently out on the play, the umpire ruled him safe. The entire Chicago club rushed the field to argue the call with the arbiter, and while the heated debate took place, Kelly raced for third – and then to home base – scoring a run. This base-running gambit was a harbinger of things to come.

Kelly became the master at subverting the rules, and at times disregarding them entirely, to his team’s benefit. Kelly devised and implemented a number of strategies and innovations to the game, many of which we now take for granted. He and Anson were the first to play off the bag at first and third base. The infield shift, rediscovered when Ted Williams displayed his prowess at pulling guided missiles to right field , was first utilized by the White Stockings in the 1880’s. Contrary to some reports, Kelly didn’t invent the slide; that innovation belongs to William Craver of the Troy Haymakers. However, by all accounts, Kelly developed the hook slide. When Kelly played as a catcher, he was likely the first to use signals with the pitcher, as well as signaling the fielders what the pitch would be. He was also credited with being the first outfielder to back up his infielders, as well as teaching infielders and pitchers to back up bases to guard against an overthrow. He was also the first ballplayer to foul off pitches on purpose. However, some of Kelly’s other “innovative techniques” skirted with the boundaries of gamesmanship. For instance, The King was the first catcher recorded to throw his catcher’s mask in the base path in order to trip up the runner.

In addition to these innovations with in-game strategy, Kelly was also a terrific hitter; he won two batting championships during his career, and led the league in runs scored and doubles on 3 occasions. He also finished in the top ten in slugging percentage and OBP+ eight times, and finished in the top ten in RBI’s ten times. However, he was perhaps best known for his base running skills. He was timed running the bases in 15 seconds. Kelly once swiped six bases in one game and reportedly stole five on several other occasions. He was one of the first players to regularly steal third base and home, which he did in succession numerous times. He developed into one of the game’s masters of the high slide, sliding into the opposing fielders guarding the bag and taking them out with his spikes. Kelly later commented on this approach to base-running, known in those days as “kicking.”

“People go to see games because they love excitement and love to be worked up. That is one reason why I believe in “kicking” now and then on the diamond. Look at the Chicago Base Ball Club. It has been the most successful in this country. Why? One good reason because they are “chronic kickers,” and people flock to see them to witness the sport. The people who go to ball games want good playing, with just enough kicking to make things interesting thrown in.”

Another standard ploy was attempting to cut bases. At the time Kelly played the game, there was only one umpire on the field. Kelly would observe when the lone umpire’s attention was diverted, and then attempt to score from second base, veering towards home while still 20 feet short of third. Occasionally, he would get caught and receive a reproach from the umpire, but for the most part he was successful, and his cheating only endeared him more to the fanatic cranks. In fact, the first hit song played on Thomas Edison’s new invention, the phonograph, was called “Slide, Kelly, Slide”, in honor of the King’s exploits; and he was also the first ballplayer to be chased by cranks for his autograph.

Many of the 19th century baseball stories have been passed on from generation to generation. What was truth often morphed into legend, and legend into myth. Oftentimes it is difficult to tell what stories were indeed true, or are but tall-tales. That being the case, there were numerous anecdotes of Kelly’s exploits. Here are some of them:

The White Stockings were playing a donnybrook game in Boston in 1880. The score was tied at 17-17. It was getting late in the day, and dusk was setting in. The Boston squad loaded the bases with two outs in the last of the 9th inning and one run would win the game for the home team. However, if the White Stockings could record an out, the game would be suspended and the two teams would resume play the following day. The Boston batter bashes a long drive to deep right field and Kelly frantically attempts to track the ball. The next moment he is seen leaping high in the air, lets out a victorious war cry, and is observed holding what appears to be the ball while he trots off the field. The umpire shouts the batter out, and suspends the game because of darkness.

As he returns to the dugout, Anson and the rest of his teammates congratulate him on his fielding prowess. Then one member of the team asks Kelly for the ball.

“How the hell do I know where the ball is,” Kelly said. “It went a mile over my head.”

Kelly was the quintessential Irishmen playing in the Emerald Era. Unfortunately, he lived up to all of the stereotypes; he was a quick-thinking, hard playing ballplayer, with an unhealthy fondness for John Barleycorn. He missed quite a few games due to hangovers. He often took shots of whiskey from a flask during the course of a game, sneaking behind the bench in the midst of the proceedings. Once he was asked point-blank whether he consumed alcohol during the game. Kelly replied: “It all depends on how long the game is.”

Or perhaps how hot.

On a sizzling hot summer day, Kelly bought a mug of beer, taking it with him to right field. He was taking a deep, satisfying draft of the brew, when the batter launched a drive in the King’s vicinity. Mug in hand, Kelly ran like the wind, making a sensational one-handed catch. What perhaps was most satisfying was that he spilled nary a drop of the precious draft.

Although Kelly fought a lifetime battle with his demons, including alcohol, gambling, womanizing, and prolific spending, he also had a heart of gold. The following anecdote perhaps best sums up both the Ruthian character flaws, as well as the gentle soul of a man who was larger then life.

Kelly was known to be fond of playing the ponies. On one occasion, he spent a rare off-day at the Guttenberg Track. He placed his entire wad of dough, totaling $100, on a horse named “Play or Pay”. The nag, slated for the glue factory, was not well thought of, and went off at 30-1. As things would go, on that day “Play or Pay” ran liked a winged Pegasus, winning the race by a nose, and Kelly pocketed $3,100 in profits. Unfortunately, he couldn’t leave it at that, and wound up losing $2,000 betting on other steeds that were not up to snuff. Friends, relatives and sycophants managed to hit him for another $500. Kelly then stopped off at his favorite watering hole, buying drinks and expensive cigars for all the patrons.
After imbibing a generous quantity of spirits, Kelly meandered back to his hotel. He came upon a small girl, who was sitting in the gutter of the street and crying. Kelly picked the ragamuffin up, and inquired what was bothering her. The girl told Kelly that her father had died the prior week, her mother was ill, and the family could not afford medical treatment. Kelly handed over what was left in his pocket, amounting to a bit more than $100. When he finally arrived at the hotel, he asked a teammate for a small loan, so that he could buy dinner before retiring for the evening.

After years of attempting to reform the King of Baseball, White Sox skipper Cap Anson grew weary of the effort and convinced ownership to trade Kelly. He was eventually sold to the Boston Beaneaters for the exorbitant sum of $15,000. Hence, his second nickname; “The $15,000 Beauty.”  After the deal was completed, Anson groused to the local journalists that he preferred his more youthful squad instead of the old veterans like Kelly whom he had sold. Mike persuaded his Boston teammates to allow his theater friends to make them up and dress them as old men the next time Boston played Chicago. The entire team except the battery played the game in costume and Boston won the match.

In 1894, “King” Kelly was traveling to Boston via steamship. Kelly, who was fighting a head cold before the trip, developed pneumonia and was admitted to a hospital upon arriving in Boston. While being transported by orderlies, they tripped, and dropped his gurney. Kelly fell, and skidded across the floor. In a ragged voice, Kelly told the Medical Staff:

“I think, me mates, this is me last slide.”

He spent the last hours of his life with teammates, reminiscing over past escapades on the diamond and good times from the past.  Kelly died the following day, Nov. 8, 1894. He was 36 years old.

In 1945, Kelly achieved baseball immortality, when he was inducted into the Hall of Fame at Cooperstown, N.Y.

Dee Gordon – 1-for-4 as he hits .212.  I’m not pointing any fingers, but the ‘perts over at Yahoo owe some of you an apology for how high they ranked Gordon.  Tell them Grey, the ‘pert who told you to avoid Grandy and the .400 hitting Wright, sent you for an apology.  Write it in blood, Pianowski!  Elian Herrera was called up to replace the recently DL’d Juan Uribe.  In the minors, Elian was returned to Cuba to live with his father and now he feeds Castro grapes.  *checking notes*  Totally wrong Elian, mea culpa, my Latin American friends!  Herrera has crazy speed (33 steals in Double-A last year; 9 steals in 28 games this year).  He just ran into your room, tied your shoes together and ran out without you knowing.  Look down.  See?  For now, Herrera will play all around the field, but there’s rumors that he will take some playing time away from Gordon.  Mattingly said he doesn’t think Gordon needs to be sent down to the minors.  Okay, but it’s not good when it’s being discussed that a player might be sent down.  For now, I’d only grab Elian in NL-Only leagues, but it’s worth monitoring.  I’d continue to hold Gordon, but you might have to start figuring out a contingency plan.  Like standing outside of Dale Sveum’s house reciting reasons why Campana should get shortstop eligibility.  That would be one contingency plan.  Here’s your thinking.  Here’s the box.  Your thinking is not in the box, is it?

Matt Kemp – Headed to the DL with a hamstring strain.  Here’s some shorthand for, y’all.  When a player says under no uncertain terms that he will not land on the DL, petition your league manager to make him DL-eligible.  Kemp shouldn’t miss more than 15 days.  Yesterday, Bobby Abreu hit 3rd for the Dodgers in Kemp’s absence.  Lineups don’t get much ethier than that.  Lisper!

Desmond Jennings – On May 6th, he left a game with knee soreness.  The Rays said it wasn’t a big deal.  On May 7th, I said it was a big deal when a player needed to be lifted mid-game.  Now, over a week later, the Rays are putting Jennings on the DL after using him as a pinch hitter on Friday.  So he’ll be out another two weeks.  Is it too much to ask a team to not pinch hit a guy when he might need to go on the DL?  How is this ever a good idea?   Rhetorical!

Jeff Niemann – He’ll be out a few months after a comebacker fractured his fibula.  No lie.

Miguel Batista – 7 shutout innings against the Brewers.  Look who learned something at Dave Duncan sleepaway camp!

Brad Lincoln – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks with his third win as he outpitched Anibal Sanchez (7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks).  FMFBBL!  Lincoln hasn’t been good for ellipse ever.   His K-rate is inflated because he was working in the bullpen and he’s on the Pirates.  Outside of NL-Only leagues, I wouldn’t go near him.

Daniel Nava – 1-for-2 with a homer.  He’s now 5 for his last 10 with 5 runs, 5 RBIs and a steal.  Here’s a short refresher about Nava.  He didn’t make his college team, worked as their equipment manager, finally played college ball, going undrafted in the major league draft then was cut by the Chico Outlaws, which I believe is the minor league affiliate for Chico’s Bail Bonds.  Maybe it’s all a ruse and Nava is a great prospect, who’s in the Witness Protection Program.  Just to be safe, he should have Marlon Byrd start his car for him.  For now, I’d grab him because he’s swinging a hot bat, but I wouldn’t expect much, even if that would make the perfect Nava script.

Brandon Morrow – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks and 5 unearned runs.  Holy ticker shock!

Bryce Harper – 1-for-4 as he hit his first homer.  After the homer, the Padres skipper tried to get it reversed, arguing there was too much pine tar under Harper’s eyes.

Ross Detwiler – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. the Padres.  Ross, I would’ve been impressed with less runs.  I don’t know why the pitchers I stream can’t put on their big boy pants.  I should’ve went with Brad Lincoln.  It’s all about the Lincolns!

Henry Rodriguez – 1/3 IP, 3 BBs.  Before yesterday’s game, Davey Johnson said HanK-Rod is still the Nats closer.  After the game, Davey didn’t have to say anything.  Clippard could see some saves, Burnett might see a situational save or two, and Rodriguez, well, it was an okay run.

Bryan LaHair – 3-for-4 with a slam (#9) and legs (#1).  Shhh, don’t tell him that this is all a dream.  Just glad someone benefited from the movie, Inception.

Josh Reddick – 1-for-4 with his 9th homer, and 5th homer in the last ten games.  His last name sounds like an STD and he’s burning hot.

Elliot Johnson – 1-for-2 with his 6th steal.  Member how we were all excited about Jed Lowrie a few weeks ago?  Well, here’s your newest MI hot schmotato.

Allen Craig – 2-for-4 as he hit cleanup.  Can we just assume he gets two hits in every game so I don’t have to keep writing about him?  Thank you.

Tim Stauffer – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Returned from the DL after a month plus of a sore elbow.  Someone forgot to read the explicit directions on his elbows.  Don’t feed after midnight.  Don’t get wet and don’t, under any circumstances, pitch in away games.

Yonder Alonso – 2-for-4 to raise his average to .300.  He’s hitting cleanup and he has 7 runs and 10 RBIs and 1 homer on the year, so the average is pretty empty.  At least the average is good though, I’m farting in your general direction Aramis Ramirez.

J.J. Hardy – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs with his 9th homer.  From the comments, I noticed something about Hardy.  People can’t wait for him to cool off so they can drop him.  To the point where they’ll drop him even if he’s still hot.  Just get J.J. off people’s teams!  Sigh.  I wish I had him on all my teams.

David Robertson – Missed out on the save because of sore ribs that have lingered since Friday.  When Fred Flintstone had ‘saur ribs, he was only out of commission for a day (after uprighting his car).

Christian Friedrich – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Okay, it was against the Ain’ts in San Fran, but that would be a great start even against the Mariners.  Speaking of which, he gets them next.  Don’t mind if I do!

Troy Tulowitzki – Dexter Fowler hit a line drive that nailed Tulo in the leg.  Wait until Tulo finds out Dexter was using one of Ubaldo’s old bats.  Tulo stayed in the game, but then was lifted when he seemed to be favoring his leg.  As of this writing, it’s not known how long Tulo will be out.  Once someone tells me in the comments, I will let you all know.

Nelson Cruz – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Hang on, Cruz owners, because he’s about to go into turbo and hit 10 homers over the next 12 days and then pull a hamstring.

Eric Hosmer – 0-for-4 to lower his average to .174.  I’ll be organizing a pray circle for Hosmer’s owners at 4 PM at the Reseda Kiwanis Club.  After we meet there, we will be tracking down all Adam Dunn owners demanding they give us his stats.

Freddie Freeman – Threw in the towel in the 7th with blurred vision in his right eye.  He needed Bobby Cox in his corner to tell him to piss lightning and crap thunder.

Randall Delgado – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  A few solid starts ago, I said monitor him.  Then a couple of solid starts ago, I said I’d pick him up in deeper mixed leagues.  Now, no more quantifying.  Pick him up.

Drew Smyly – 5 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Uh-oh, this might be the beginning of the end for his fantasy usefulness.  Sad emoticon.

Addison Reed – He got the save yesterday because it was getting too predictable the other way around.

Frank Francisco – 1 IP, 1 ER and the save.  The Mets decided to stick with their beleaguered closer and he rewarded their generosity by closing the door (after allowing a run).  Let’s see if you can guess what owning closers are similar to getting checked for:  Closers are completely nuts and after you grab them, they cough up runs.

David Wright – 1-for-3 with a run.  His average just dipped down below .400.  He’s a very good baseball player and I apologize I didn’t appropriately tout him during draft season.  May your piss and vinegar rain on my head.  Or if you looked at my slightly old draft sheet where I did tout him prior to his injury concerns, you’re welcome.

Yovani Gallardo – Still in the running for the most frustrating SP in the world.  Gives up only 2 hits in 6 IP vs the Mets and loses.  6 BB don’t help.  His ERA is still above 5, but it’ll be down sooner than his owners’ blood pressure.  Stay thirsty, Yovani.

Torii Hunter – Out for an unspecified amount of time as he deals with his son’s alleged sexual assault charges.  His son hopes to get this all cleared up and attend Penn State in the fall.

Enter Ryan Roberts, week 7′s Creeper. Owned in 36% of ESPN leagues and 29% of Yahoo leagues as of Sunday evening, he’ll get 7 games on the road in the coming week, with 4 (more likely 3) scheduled to come against LHP. The four lefties scheduled to face Roberts and the Dbacks are Clayton Kershaw, Jamie Moyer, Danny Duffy, and Bruce Chen. To paraphrase Al Michaels, Danny Duffy left Sunday’s game with an elbow, the second time in less than a month that he’s dealt with tightness; I can’t imagine he’ll take his turn in the rotation. Chen is a favorable matchup for Roberts, a pitch-to-contact lobber allowing plenty of flyballs (47%) and line drives (20%) to right-handed bats. Moyer scouts very similarly (42% FB, 20% LD), and features a fastball that is slower than the speed limit in some areas of Texas and Utah. Pitching in Coors, he’s the most likely target for a Roberts HR this week.

Despite a minor league track record of strong BABIPs, Roberts has suffered a below average mark of .277 in the big leagues, thanks in part to a high flyball tendency. He also falls victim to the infield pop-up from time to time, and if you pop-up with any regularity your average will suffer. He does hit his fair share of line drives, though – 20.4% career – and with a K% a notch better than league average (17.8% career, 15.9% this season), a blessing from the luck fairies would leave him with a .280 AVG or so. In OBP leagues, his 11% career walk rate makes him a more reliable option. As is pretty standard for RHH, Roberts fares well against opposite-handed pitching, sporting a .265 AVG with 14 HR in 325 career AB.

With 3, perhaps 4 LHP on the ledger and Coors on tap, this week is as good as any for Roberts to have a couple of hits fall in and a flyball or two find the bleachers to correct his early season misfortune (.213 BABIP, 5.6% HR/FB). Hitting 6th and 7th in recent games may limit his runs potential a bit, but just might be a green light to steal a base or two in order to create some offense at the bottom of the order. Rickie Weeks owners wary of his wrist ailment or those with a rotating MI spot should look to Roberts to supply a solid return on their investment.

Washington’s Stache (Toads and Wet Rocks) gained 25 points and jumped from 464th to 136th place in the standings. Norce Force (Hotel, Dotel, Halladay Inge) also improved by 25 points, and moved into the top 20 from 257th.

Grey mentioned this week that RCL teams should be able to keep their ERA under 3.50. Right now, only 43% of teams are managing that. A couple wise commenters opined that all the relievers blowing up was making it difficult. It is tough to separate the RP stats to study, but they do seem to be frequently ruining ratios.

Expert League: RotoWire Del Don (Dalton Del Don) took over the lead after a week where he jumped from 70 to 90 points on the strength of solid pitching. He recorded 5 wins and 7 saves with ratios of 1.82 and 1.05, along with 80 strikeouts. Rudy and Grey each lost a few points this week, and sit in 5th and 6th respectively.

Trades: There were 19 trades this week, bringing the total for the year to 98. Albert Pujols was traded a twice – both times by Al Koholic. In the ECFBL, last-place Al gambled on Ryan Howard and Bryce Harper, trading Albert and Ernesto Frieri to first-place The Fredsies for the pair plus Rafael Dolis. In RCL Original Recipe, he sent Pujols and Grant Balfour to Popeye’s n Beer Recipe4disaster for Jay Bruce and David Freese. With Pujols continuing to struggle and Balfour losing the closer job, so far it looks like Al came out ahead in this one. Tim Lincecum and Nelson Cruz were also dealt twice, including in RCL 38 where they were traded for each other. In Cracking The WHIP, the Dukes of Flatbush traded Alex Rios and Matt Cain to eye-talian backstop for Cruz and Bryce Harper.  Team Beardown sent Lincecum and Anibal Sanchez to Bushwood Varmint Cong for Brandon Morrow, Johnny Cueto, and Edward Mujica in Epic Beardmen Division. In a somewhat questionable deal in Cust Kayin’, Pimpin Nipples gave up Troy Tulowitzki and Jordan Walden to acquire Jason Kipnis and Rafael Betancourt. You can find all the trades in the fantasy baseball forums. Look for the RCL under “Everything Else.”

Weekly Leaders

Norce Force was the top hitting team this week. They hit .339 with 27 home runs and 70 RBI, 60 runs, and 10 steals. Not surprisingly, they own Josh Hamilton (.467/10 Runs/9 HR/18 RBI). Carlos Beltran (.360/6 HR/13 RBI), Joey Votto (.429/3 HR/8 RBI), and Andrew McCutchen (.524/3 HR/1 SB) also provided big numbers.

Average: .347 (That Ticket Cli nic Commercial – RCL 24)
Runs: 60 (Norce Force – Hotel, Dotel, Halladay Inge)
HR: 27 (Norce Force – Hotel, Dotel, Halladay Inge)
RBI: 70 (Norce Force – Hotel, Dotel, Halladay Inge)
SB: 16 (Copales Charros – ECFBL)

Washington’s Stache set the pace on the mound with an ERA of 2.35 and 1.20 WHIP with 83 Ks, 9 wins, and 3 saves. Their lineup featured Edinson Volquez (2 Wins/10 K), Derek Holland (Win/0.00/1.00), Jordan Zimmermann (Win/ 9 K) and Brandon Morrow (Win/10 K).

Ks: 86 (Kemp Keep Me Down – Yu Ain’t Goldschmidt)
Wins: 9 (Washington’s Stache – Toads and Wet Rocks, All about  The WHIP – RCL 43)
Saves: 10 (Tennessee Jed – Robust Herd, Pliny the Elder – Myrtle’s Acres)
ERA: 1.07 (Bang Biscuit – RCL 41)
WHIP: 0.92 (Big Cuntry – Ones are GOOD right?, The AmishGangster – Epic Beardmen Division)

TEAM OF THE WEEK – May 7 – 13
Norce Force (Hotel, Dotel, Halladay Inge)
100/295 (.339) 60 R/27 HR/70 RBI/10 SB	72.2 IP 60K/3 W/2.48/1.03/3 S
As mentioned above, Norce Force led the RCL in hitting, and their pitching was solid, lacking only in wins. Brandon Morrow (10 K) and Derek Holland (0.00/1.00) did pick up wins, while A.J. Burnett had 14 strikeouts in 2 starts with an ERA of 2.25 and WHIP of 0.81.

Ike Davis – Sat out yesterday with flu-like symptoms.  Like.  Oh.  My.  Gahd.  I hopes it’s not Valley Fever.

Heath Bell – Ozzie Guillen has come to the conclusion that Edward Mujica and Steve Cishek are simply just as awful at closing games as Bell has been, so they might as well go with the guy with the bad contract.  So, once again, Bell is officially unofficially your Marlins closer and, as previously mentioned, he gave up two runs on Sunday.  I’d continue to hold Cishek and Mujica.  Bell needs to either go to the Disgraceful List or do some mop-up duty.  Despite the closer craziness, the past week the Marlins have got it done, winning 10 of their last 12 games.  A rational person might say to me, “The Marlins have played the Giants, Padres and Astros as of late, don’t get too excited.”  I am an irrational person, so it must be their new uniforms!

Giancarlo Stanton – 3-for-5 with a grand slam.  Is it just me or are you waiting for him to announce his name is actually Giancarlos Tanton?

Joey Votto – 4-for-5, 4 runs, 6 RBIs and 3 homers.  Votto bing, Votto boom.

Brian Fuentes – Was named the new A’s closer.  I literally wrote everything else in this post then came back to this to make sure he was still the closer.  If I wake up at 3 AM tonight and stumble back to my office, he may no longer be the closer.  He’s on a short leash with a cone and muzzle.  If he gets too far off the leash, he doesn’t give his owners rabies, he gives them ERAbies.

Brandon McCarthy – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Look at him K’ing people with reckless a-Brandon.  McCarthy feels like one of those guys that you can get for cheap in a trade, but could be way more valuable.  He’s literally in every fifth comment as a guy people want to drop, and I use the word ‘literally’ metaphorically.

Jarrod Parker – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks.  I doubt anyone’s actually buying (as in trading for), but you should be careful with Parker.  He’s due for some Liquid Paper getting dropped on his stats.

Bud Norris – Got the win on Friday with 6.0 IP, 1 ER and 8Ks.  Old James MacDonald pitched 8 innings and also struck out 8 in a pitchers’ duel.  And a Bud at McDonald’s is a combo meal in The Bootheel of Missouri.

Bryce Harper – On Friday, he threw his bat at the wall in frustration and needed 10 stitches as it bounced back and hit him in the head.  ESPN is auctioning off the bat with the proceeds going to TD (Teenaged Dipshits).

Wilson Ramos – Torn ACL and out for the year.  On the positive side, he’s now way too gimpy for kidnappers to lug around.

Danny Espinosa – Got a couple of hits on Sunday, homered Friday and Saturday while adding in two steals.  If it’s not obvious and you need me to spell it out, he’s H-O-T.

Henry Rodriguez – 2/3 IP, 4 ER with a massive blown save on Sunday.  I shut the game off before the Votto grand slam, knowing it was coming.  Then after it happened, I refreshed the box score a few times hoping it would change.  It’s a soul-crushing defeat when you know it’s gonna happen, then don’t believe it when it does.  Must’ve been what it felt like when Dewey tried to move his stuff into the White House with only a copy of the Dewey Defeats Truman newspaper.

Brian Dozier - 2-for-5 with his first homer.  I wouldn’t expect much here; he’s pretty yawnstipating.  It’s no coincidence that his last name is French for sleep (not true).

Scott Diamond – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Now has back-to-back 7 inning scoreless starts.  In AL-Only leagues, he could provide some value if he can continue his low walk-rate and so-so K-rate.  But in AL-Only leagues, Bruce Chen is valuable, so take that with a grain of salt, which is a crystal as is a diamond.  How’s that for circular reasoning?

Andy Pettitte – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. the M’s.  Against a major league offense, that’s 5 IP, 5 ER.  That’s not exactly a comeback on par with Lance Armstrong returning less nutso.

Carlos Ruiz – 6th HR on Friday.  Ruiz is batting .330 and leads the Phillies offense along with Juan Pierre.  Or JuanCarlos if Stanton’s renaming them.

Jimmy Rollins – 1-for-4 with his 1st homer.  Only one more to catch Chone Figgins!

Jesus Montero -  Hit a home run on Friday against his old team as he punishes New York for trading him to the Mariners.  You could taste the bad blood.  Mmm… Iron.

Justin Smoak – Hit a homer yesterday and is 6 for his last 12 as he got to hit away from Safeco.  Gets Fenway and Coors this week and could be a short term play.  Seriously, no kindling with Smoak.

Addison Reed – Robin Ventura is planning on splitting his save chances between Thornton, Reed and Santiago.  I think it’s appropriate to call Ventura by his cartoon onomatopoeia name:  VenturARGH.  And, because Reed seemed like the guy to own, he gave up 6 earned runs in a third of an inning yesterday.  To give up 6 earned in a third of an inning is, like a bowling alley that doesn’t cater to dwarfs will tell ya, no small feat.   At this rate, I don’t think I’d pick up any White Sox relievers in any shallow mixed league.  I need this ulcer?  No, no I don’t.  If you really need the saves, I’d grab Santiago, Reed or Thornton, in that order.

Chris Sale – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  When you go for a ‘precautionary’ MRI (something I get all the time!), and you’re moved around to help ‘save’ your elbow, then throw a pretty mediocre start, I think something is wrong and you’d be wise to sell him quickly.  But I’m not a doctor, though I did fall asleep while watching a Scrubs rerun last night.

Carlos Beltran – 4-for-5 with 2 home runs and 4 RBIs on Friday and hit his 13th homer on Sunday.  He’s doing his best Albert Pujols impression, the pre-Angels Pujols.  Yes, it took Pujols to go to the Angels to become mortal.  The irony!

Allen Craig – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer on Sunday, after homering on Friday.  Bad enough that he double-dipped on first names when there’s people without one — R. Kelly, “Tell me about it!”  But now there’s people out there who can’t buy a homer in their leagues (me!) and this guy now has 5.

Rafael Furcal – 3-for-3 with his 7th steal, while batting .383 on the year.  Still think he’s more of an Early Bird Special than a Zombino.  You get two Facebook Likes if you understood that.

Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  If you’ve owned him all year, you know this is less spectacular than he’s been.  Or spectaculess, if you like portmanteaus.

Josh Hamilton – Homerton was 3-for-4 with two more home runs on Friday to bring his total to 17.  The first player since Albert Pujols (who?) in 2006 to hit that many home runs in only 33 games.  Then he hit his 18th homer on Saturday.  18 homers?  I have 31 homers in one of my NL-Only leagues.

Mike Trout – Got his first slam & legs on Friday.  In related rookie news, ESPN ran a feature on Bryce Harper’s TD telethon.

C.J. Wilson -  Got roughed up in his Texas homecoming by Hamilton and the boys 1/3 IP, 3 H, 4 ER.  Then Matthew Modine started screaming “You wanna have another go at it” and Wilson agreed.  So, on Saturday, he went 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Then on Sunday, he rested.  Geez, with the God complex.

Mark Reynolds – Lands on the DL after throwing batting practice on Friday.  He said, “I got carried away with what I was trying to do.  It just looks so easy to strike me out.”

Xavier Avery – O’s called up their outfield prospect and played him in left field yesterday as he went 0-for-4.  Now for the Mystique behind X-Man.  He has some speed (and very light power), and will struggle to hit for much of an average in the majors.  In AL-Only leagues, he’s SAGNOF.

Jake Arrieta – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER vs. the Rays.  He’s been absolutely clobbered in his last two starts.  I’d definitely look elsewhere, since I’m not a huge fan of O’s starters to begin with.  My O’s starter face is a straight line for my lips and a slow blink of the eyes.  It looks like ‘meh.’

Nick Johnson – Homered in back-to-back games that he started (Friday and Sunday).  He was in good spirits after the game, smiling in the locker room.

Danny Duffy – Left yesterday’s game with what is being described as “medial left elbow tightness.”  Sounds like medial up a different starter.

Alcides Escobar – 3-for-3, 2 runs and 1 RBI.  He’s been on and off my teams so many times the elastic is completely shot.

Jeff Francoeur – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs with his first Frenchy fly of the season, or Freedom Fly if you’re still harboring shizz.

Desmond Jennings – Has now missed six games with a sore knee.  Instead of day-to-day, they could’ve told us day-to-week.  Might’ve been helpful.

Ben Zobrist – Slam and legs with a side of mash (3 hits!) and Elliot Johnson also slammed, legged and mashed.  Johnson is 7 for his last 13 with two steals and a homer.  Could be a nice pickup if you’re struggling at MI.  BTW, if someone asks you if you’re struggling at MI, your answer is IM.

Carlos Marmol – Since the start this year, he looked like Apollo vs. Ivan Drago in the exhibition match.  Finally, the Cubs threw in the towel with Marmol’s head landing on top of it and on the Disgraceful List.

Bryan LaHair – Since Friday’s Sell, he’s 1-for-14 with 6 Ks.  Cust kayin’.

Jeff Samardzija – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  The best thing I can say about Samardetc. is I wish I owned him on all my teams.

Rickie Weeks – His wrist showed no breaks and his bat showed no hits.

Kevin Youkilis – Cleared to swing a bat.  Sounds like positive news for a guy at Hedonism after a cliff diving accident.

Will Middlebrooks – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer.  If Youk pushes Middlebrooks to Triple-A, there’s gonna be a letter written to Jimmy Breslin from a Son of Sam Horn.

Matt Kemp – Left yesterday’s game aggravating his tight hamstring.  Said he’s going for an MRI, but will only miss a game.  Um, well, guess we can hope.  How do we get this hammy cured?  Because those are delicious.

Juan Rivera – Could miss two months with a ruptured hamstring tendon.  Dude, c’mon, the day of rupture isn’t until December 21st.

Christian Yelich | OF, Marlins – I covered Yelich a couple weeks back in a Scouting the Unknown post.  He began 2012 a little late due to an elbow injury, but he’s really gotten going recently.  In 111 PA, he’s up to five homers to go along with an OPS over .900 at High-A.  There is enormous power potential for Yelich.  It’ll be fun to see what he can do at Double-A later on this season.

Jurickson Profar | SS, Rangers – Profar has now hit safely in 21 straight games.  And by “now” I mean Saturday afternoon, in case he effs it up tonight.  The 19-year-old phenom is having little trouble adjusting to Double-A as he’s batting .273/.329/.492 after his first month in the Texas League.  I only expect those figures to rise as he gets more comfortable.

Jake Odorizzi | RHP, Royals -  In my 2011 Royals review, I noted that Odorizzi needed some more time at Double-A to refine his secondary stuff.  Well, after posting a 3.32 ERA and an 0.97 WHIP while whiffing 47 through 38 IP, it doesn’t seem much more time will be necessary.  He’ll be joining Mike Montgomery in Omaha before long, and given Monty’s early struggles, it’s fair to speculate that Odorizzi will arrive in KC first.

Wil Myers | OF, Royals – After a frustrating 2011, Myers has officially re-emerged as an elite hitting prospect.  He’s hitting .339/.413./.712 at Double-A.  He’ll be at Omaha by midseason.

Dellin Betances | RHP, Yankees – In last Sunday’s post I wrote about how awful Betances had been.  Then on Wednesday Betances pitched eight innings of two-hit baseball.  He walked just two batters and allowed only one run.  We’ll see if he can build from that positive outing and get himself back on track with Triple-A Empire State.

Jameson Taillon | RHP, Pirates – Taillon has posted a 36/7 K/BB through his first 36 IP at High-A Bradenton.  He’s developing alongside 2011 No. 1 overall pick Gerrit Cole, and he’s outshining him so far.  Taillon is the younger of the two and he’s shown outstanding command in the early going, helping him to a 1.47 ERA.

Cory Spangenberg | 2B, Padres – After a dreadful start at High-A, Spangenberg has finally started to catch his stride in the California League, now hitting .303/.338/.401.  He’s baseball’s second best prospect at 2B behind Kotlen Wong of the Cardinals, and he’s definitely someone to keep an eye on for fantasy purposes.

Miguel Sano | SS, Twins – The 18-year-old hit his 10th homer for Low-A Beloit earlier this week.  It was a game-winner and his admiration for the bomb nearly incited a Midwest League brawl.  Here’s the story on that.

Matt Barnes | RHP, Red Sox - It was clear after his first Low-A start that Barnes was too advanced for the South Atlantic League.  Well, Boston promoted him to High-A Salem not too long ago and the results are still impressive:  20 whiffs and one walk through his first 12 IP.  He could be on the fast track if this keeps up.

Now that we are over a month into the season it is time to not only look at the master standings and applaud those that have successfully been terrible, but also put on our 20/20 Hindsight Glasses and mock the bad performances in the land of bad performances.  Six leagues of ten were formed and thus far the king of the anti-champions is Pyramid Lake Cui-ui, coming out of Division 3 with 1,550 points.  Fueling his super futility is his drafting of three of the top six positions players on the player rater: Emilio Bonifacio (151 points, 1st round), Clint Barmes (148, 3rd), and Marlon Byrd (139, 15th). No slouch at being terrible on the mound either, he has milked five losses out of Ervin Santana after picking him up as a free agent and watching him become the #1 pitcher on the board with 119 points. Congratulations on your early lead and skills at assembling a terrible team, Pyramid Lake Cui-ui! If we find out you are Dayton Moore in disguise, you will be disqualified for cheating.

Looking back at draft day we can recognize some early breakthroughs and busts (other than Billy Butler’s). In 2011 Adam Dunn put up an incredible league-best 608 points, and as a result he was taken in the first round of every draft this year. Those hoping for a repeat from Big Donkey, complete with the all-important first base eligibility, have been pummeled with a net total of -1 points so far. Whoops!

Meanwhile Austin Jackson‘s 181 strikeouts and only 10 home runs in 2011 made him #3 on the board with 503 points and a favorite for 2012 Fantasy Razzball MVP as he went first overall in 4 out of the 6 drafts (and second overall in Razzball 5, where team My Sports Rumors either missed the draft or didn’t get the league memo as he took Miguel Cabrera first overall). What has Ajax rewarded those early drafters with here in 2012? Just 14 points in 118 at-bats as he hits .322 and is “only” striking out 19% of the time.  Man, he’s gotta get better at being worse!  Confused?  Me too!

And the breakthrough performances through the first month and change? Danny Espinosa leads all players with 165 points as he hits .191 and strikes out 30% of the time, but he was a top 20 player in 2011 and was drafted as early as the 2nd round. The real surprise player in the rankings is Albert Pujols, who was a top-five player until last week and comes in with 119 points in 126 at-bats. Undrafted by anyone not pulling a La Russa and falling asleep at the wheel to autodraft their team, El Hombre is racking up razz points like it’s 1909. He has been picked up by only those with the biggest cojones, as he could quickly go from 2011 Adam Dunn to 2012 Adam Dunn who I guess could go back to 2011 Adam Dunn but is being owned like he’s 2012 Adam Dunn, or unowned or…  Yeah, I’m not sure, but there you have it!

Until next time, keep an eye out for those AAA call-ups and injury replacements and anyone getting playing time with the Minnesota Twins

ONE START OPTIONS:

5/16

Felipe Paulino vs Bal – Hunter

Chris Capuano @ SD – Richard

5/17

Jerome Williams vs CHW – Axelrod

Phil Hughes @ Tor – Hutchinson

5/18

Drew Pomeranz vs Sea – Beavan

Scott Diamond @ Mil – Estrada

TWO START OPTIONS:

Ryan Vogelsong ( Col vs. White, Oak vs Ross) I most definitely cannot sing, I can whistle though.  I would certainly not whistle a Vogel of anything, regardless of what it is.  Well, if it’s a huge piece of ice cream cake maybe.

Jeff Niemann (@Tor vs Morrow, Atl vs Delgado) If I were Jeff, I would most definitely have name my son Marcus.  Just for giggles.  Nothing gets kids to make friends faster then torment.

Bruce Chen (@Tex vs Lewis, Ari vs Miley) I wish he had a sidekick cat named Spot and posed as a janitor when he wasn’t pitching. To me that would make the world a better place.   Just don’t tell Sergeant Flint he is a drag.

Joe Blanton (Hou vs Harrell, Bos vs Lester) He should change his name to Blahton. He really isn’t blah, but compared to the other SP options in Philly he looks like vanilla in a sea of chocolate.

Ross Detwiler (SD vs Suppan, Bal vs Hammel) Looking at his home ERA makes me smile. You know what else makes me smile, not having to type out Tom Gorz-what’s-his-name’s name.

Anthony Bass (@Was vs Strasburg, Ana vs Santana) He would look a lot sexier if both of these were at home. That and the fact that he has to face St. Rasburg.  Oh, and if he sang “Take me to the river.”

Jason Vargas (@Bos vs Beckett, @Col vs Friedrich) One of those guys that looks better on your fantasy team, then everyone else realizes. I hope he changes teams midseason and pulls a Fister, literally not figuratively.

Wade Miley (@LAD vs Billingsley, @KC vs Chen) ERA is better away from Chase Field.  I wonder if it has to do with the ATM fees when you’re not banking at home.

Paul Maholm (@STL vs Lohse, CHW vs Peavy) If you like to roll the dice then roll Maholm for 4 straight wins, 1 earned run or less in each start.  Just don’t tell Marmol that he has a lead because he will want to blow on those dice.

Homer Bailey (@Atl vs Delgado, @NYY vs Nova) I couldn’t hate a fantasy player more than this guy. Okay,  I just got yelled at by my mom who said hate is a strong word.  I told her so is assisted living.

Christian Friedrich / Alex White (@SF – Vogelsong / Lincecum, Sea vs Millwood / Vargas) Combined they form the super tandem of White Christian.  Separate they may pull off the same feat.  I’m not hear to judge, there is a total separation between church and stats.

BUY

Casey Janssen – Let’s get all of the SAGNOF’ers out of the way up front, shall we?  No reason to say we shall.  I can’t hear you.  You’re reading.

Addison Reed – Imagine getting behind Robin Ventura on a buffet line.  I think I’ll try the Matt Thornton, Reed, Sale, Santiago with a side of the Reed, Thornton, Sale, Santiago with a little extra Sale, Santiago– Just get the meatloaf and move on!  At least Ozzie had Joey Cora to carry his tray.  And massage his shoulders.  And manicure his cuticles.

Rafael Soriano – Robertson blows two more saves in the next five days and he’s lost the job or he settles in for the week and he’s the closer for the rest of the season.  It all hinges on this week, over-the-Internet friend!

Rafael Dolis – Okay, Random Razzball Commenter, since you’re gonna ask.  Dolis, Reed, Janssen, Soriano, Marlins Closer, Thayer, in that order… What?  Marshall’s also available?  Oh, geez.

Dale Thayer – The ex-Ray and Met farmhand as well as the star of the gay porn ‘Brian’s Thong’ is the latest bullpen project for the Padres with 2 saves in the absence of Huston Street.  Figure it’s his until he blows it or gets injured – which is the norm these days.

Steve Cishek – Edward Mujica, Ryan Webb, Heath Bell… You could have a team of all Marlins relievers.  You’d be dead last in your league, unless you played in the NL East, then you’d still have the Phillies below you.  Snap in the Wiz wit formation!

James McDonald – Old McDonald had a great K-rate e-i-e-i-e-i-oh.  Now relatively new McDonald’s K-rate is e-i-e-i-e-i-okay.  Old McDonald had a terrible walk rate e-i-e-i-e-i-oh-no.  Now relatively new McDonald’s walk rate is e-i-e-i-e-i-okay.  Six of one; half dozen of another.  Or e-i-e-i; e-i-oh.

Carlos Zambrano – You know how they take signed celebrity pictures and put them up in restaurants?  Why do I feel like in less than 6 weeks of the season there’s a picture of Big Z in every Cuban restaurant in Miami?   Signed Big Z, “Please consider adding a Cuban Sandwich with a Tres Leches cake in the middle.”

Christian Friedrich – I went over him the other day.  It went something like this, “Blah blah blah, good K/BB, blah blah blah, NL-Only, blah blah blah, next start against the Giants.”  And that’s me blah’ing me!

Brad Peacock – Google Brad Peacock and it returns the question, “Did you mean naked pictures of Grey talking about his favorite young pitcher?”  The A’s are rolling out guys right now that are blehtastic, and when Peacock gets called up, I’m gonna like him better than any other A’s starter, except McCarthy.  Yeah, even that damn Milone, sorry Diane.  Peacock is no streamer, even if it might sound that way.

Chris Johnson – Sticking with our newly established theme of commands an old man screams at the urinal when he’s trying to go to the bathroom, Chris Johnson has 4 homers in the last 10 days and his counting stats ain’t too shabby for an Astro.  Ruh roh!

Ike Davis – One of the first Sell’s of the year featured Ike Davis with a request for you to drop him.  Okay, now it’s time to pick him up.  There’s no flimflammery flip-flopping on fantasy first basemen (say that fast 117 times!), Davis was hideous, and now he no longer is.

Kyle Seager – Member back in March what you wanted from Dustin Ackley prior to your hopes and dreams being squashed?  Yeah, Kyle Seager’s doing that…Against the wind.  (Also, there’s a Kyle Seager fantasy to feast your eyes on.  I didn’t write it, but, if I had, I would’ve said the same thing, except switched out all the didn’t's to dinnit’s.)

Johnny Giavotella – Will share time at 2nd base and could run like crazy, and by ‘crazy’ I mean not always successfully.  Fist pump!

Andres Torres – For all of you Where’s Allen Craig At Commenters, he didn’t make the cut off of less than 50% owned as of yesterday at midnight.  At 11:59 PM, a few diehard Where’s Allen Craig At Commenters enlisted Anonymous’ help to hack into ESPN and push his ownership numbers to 49%, but Anonymous was busy taking down Pujols.  (They have a vendetta because he once said he liked the Interview with the Vampire movie better than the book.)  But, alas, I’ll make an exception inside this Torres blurb.  I’d pick up Allen.  I’d also grab Torres.  If you don’t know what Torres gives you, see Angel Pagan.

Josh Reddick – If you go to the top outfielders of the last 20 days, you’ll see Reddick amongst some pretty big names.

Andy Dirks – I just went over him this morning.  If you close your extraneous porn windows and scroll down, you’ll see it.

J.P. Arencibia – He’s not going to hit for average and power all year, but he is now.  Arencibia — that’s a one spicy catcher!

SELL

Alex Rios – Man, he’s like watching paint dry.  Not even an exciting paint color like forest green or periwinkle.  More like a beige.  Can’t drop Rios in all leagues, but in some shallower ones there’s gotta be better options.  Like Josh Reddick.  He’s better at this point.

Chase Headley – First rule of fantasy baseball:  Don’t draft a Padres hitter.  Second rule of fantasy baseball:  Don’t tell any chicks you do this if you ever want to get laid again.

Lance Lynn – I told you to buy him before the first week of the season and he’s gone 6-0/1.40/0.85/37 in 38 2/3 IP.  I’d say we had a good run.  I’m not saying drop him before the Liquid Paper is thrown all over his stats, but you have to know it’s coming.  He has a 93.8% LOB and a .209 BABIP.  Right now, every ground ball down the line is hitting a base and bouncing to a fielder and he’s escaped more jams than a deaf kid at Jazz Fest.  I wouldn’t sell him for an all-expenses paid spa day in Tijuana, but I’d explore options.

• Hot Hitters:  This has hitting stats for the past 20 days of all hitters with 1+ AB.  Besides your typical 5×5 stats, it includes BABIP, OBP, OPS, SLG, and K%.  Players are ranked in descending order of their ‘Heat Index’ which is calculated using a mix of Hits, Runs, HRs, RBI, SBs, and ABs.  Each player is indexed against the 156th most valuable hitter for the period (156 hitters are active on a given day in a 12-team league).  While it isn’t possible for us to know if he’s available or not in your league, we provide pre-season and in-season $ estimates (based on 12 team 5×5 ESPN rosters) – the higher those values, the more likely a player is already owned.
• Hot Pitchers:  This has pitching stats for the past 20 days of all pitchers with 0.3 IP.  Besides your typical 5×5 stats, this includes FIP, Blown Saves, Holds, K/BB, K/9, and Quality Starts.  Players are ranked in descending order of their ‘Heat Index’ which is calculated using a mix of Wins, Saves, Earned Runs, Hits, Walks, Innings, and Holds.  Each pitcher is indexed against the 108th most valuable pitcher for the period (108 pitchers are active on a given day in a 12-team league).  Pre-season and in-season $ estimates (based on 12 team 5×5 ESPN rosters) are provided for each player to help identify players more likely to be free agents in your league.

The inaugural #1 hot hitters/pitchers are Carlos Gonzalez (edging out Josh Hamilton) and Johnny Cueto (edging out CC Sabathia).

As with our other Player Raters, the grids are sortable and you can filter based on position (including SP vs. RP).  The data should update every weekday by around 10AM EST – the last column will indicate the last day’s worth of games that are included.

If you see a player missing or set at the wrong position, please mention it in the comments section of the latest post.  Please note that players just called up may take a week or so to be added.

Stephen Strasburg – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 13 Ks.  “Wait until he hits twenty-seven years old and he can barely lift his arm to pack his bowl.”  That’s Lincecum watching the Strasburg highlights.

Roger Bernadina – He hit a homer out of the two hole yesterday.  Sounds like a constipated guy reporting success to his gastroenterologist.  Probably too early to get excited about Bernadina, but he’s definitely someone to put on your radars.

Adam LaRoche – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs with his 6th homer as he bats .327.  Yeah, at this point, it would’ve been better to go with LaRoche over Pujols.

Colby Lewis – Not to get all Jayson Stark but here’s Colby Lewis’s bizarre box score:  HR, HR, HR, 18 straight outs (11 K’s), HR, BB, HR, HBP, Double Play, E6, K.  So that’s 5 hits and 5 HRs.  7 baserunners and 6 runs.  12 Ks and only one walk.  So, um, awesome start for those of you in xFIP leagues!

Elvis Andrus – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs as he hits .323 with 5 steals in 6 attempts on the year.  6 attempts was by far the lowest steal attempt total in any month last year.  He’s stood on 1st 23 times so far this year.  It makes sense when you have Josh Homerton behind you, but it’s disconcerting from a fantasy standpoint for Elvis.

Andy Dirks – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 3rd homer.  Leyland doesn’t like to change his lineup (he writes it on rolling paper and each changed lineup is one less cigarette).  So Leyland’s put Dirks in the two hole in the lineup, where he could stay for a while, and he’s doing with the bat what was expected of Boesch.  In the big picture, he has pretty modest power (which doesn’t mean he blushes after homers) and slightly better speed, but not a burner.  14/18 would be my expectations over a full season.  Right now, he’s a hot schmotato.

Bartolo Colon – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  Oh no, the dreaded Colon cleanse.

Brett Gardner – His DL stint is going to be a little longer (maybe another month) after a setback with his right elbow.  No word on whether Joba Chamberlain’s kid or a trampoline are at fault.

Mark Teixeira – Diagnosed with ‘severely inflamed’ airways.  Unlike with the ill-fated Hindenburg Blimplines, it’s treatable.

Rafael Soriano – Got the save yesterday and, because he was a closer, he gave up a run.  I don’t think this means Soriano gets the next save over Robertson (K-Rob had thrown two days previous, so he was unavailable), but I do think Robertson could Mr. Bungle the gig, and Soriano is worth owning.

Eduardo Nunez – Decent SAGNOF who’s likely to keep getting playing time with Gardner out.  But, man, is he an awful fielder.  Is Nunez Spanish for Scissorhands?

Josh Willingham – 1-for-3 with his 7th homer.  I feel like the rest of the Twins, who are more familiar with the no-scoring environment of Minnesota baseball, are gonna pull Willingham aside and be like, “Hey, man, those homers… Yeah, we don’t do those here.”

Josh Beckett – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER. Don’t worry, Josh, there’s at least a dozen wannabe country singers that’ll still sleep with you.  Maybe you dial up RaeLynn.  “Can you write a song about fried chicken, beer and having a 5.97 ERA?  I got the blues, y’all.”  That’s Josh hanging out with his harem of D-list country singers.

Jason Kipnis – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI with his 6th homer.  Kipnis may sound like a Jewish delicatessen appetizer, but he’s going H.A.M.

Jack Hannahan – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer.  I guess he didn’t get along with his father’s side of the family and skipped the Hannahananananananananananana wake.

Michael Brantley – 4-for-5, 1 run and 2 RBIs.  If you’re wondering where this came from, Rudy and I just dropped him yesterday because HE WAS DOING NOTHING (caps for emphasis, not aesthetics).

Vladimir Guerrero – Signs a minor league deal with the Blue Jays.  Just picturing Guerrero running on the Toronto turf makes my knees hurt. Guess it’s all worth it for those extra 11 seats per game that will be filled by nostalgic Expos fans.  Vive Vladimir!

Wilson Betemit – Hit his 5th homer in the first game of the doubleheader.  I’d say he’s going to be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but he won’t.  He’s here now and he’s hot.  Here’s Eddie Vedder going to his waiver wire, “Can’t find a Betemit…”

Robert Andino – 0-for-8 in the doubleheader.  Rudy told me over IM yesterday that we have Andino filling in for our injured Longoria.  Luckily, my office is on the first floor so when I jumped out the window it didn’t hurt too much.

Wei-Yin Chen – Very impressive start (7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks) vs. the dangerous Texas Ranger lineup.  He’s now at a 2.68 ERA over 37 innings with a decent 28 Ks.  Wouldn’t trust him just yet in anything outside of AL-only leagues, but at least Taiwanese fans can stop polluting karaoke bars with, “So take this Broken Wang and learn to pitch again….”

Chicago Cubs: Apparently something had to be done, given how precious wins are to the floundering Cubs, so Carlos Marmol was removed from the closer nest. In his place, the Cubs are platooning Rafael Dolis (who I mentioned awhile ago) and James Russell. Of course, I also said that Dolis was a more long-term than immediate option and that he sort of sucks. I still see nothing in Dolis that screams solid reliever. Aside from rookie ball, Dolis hasn’t posted a K:BB rate above 2.00. He’s benefiting from a .193 BABIP despite a huge LD rate. In addition, his swinging strike rate is miniscule. Meanwhile, Russell is a fine reliever, but he probably shouldn’t pitch to righties, as they own a .308/.361/.532 line on him. So he’s not going to see a ton of save opportunities. If I was stuck investing in this situation, I’d do whatever I could to trade Dolis. I want no part of him. This is a situation where you’re better off on the second round of speculation, i.e. a return to Marmol or Kerry Wood.

Miami Marlins: You’d think by now, we’d know who was stepping in for Heath Bell. However, while Edward Mujica has gotten and converted the save opportunities, Steve Cishek hasn’t pitched in five days after he threw five innings over a three day span. There is very little debate that Cishek is the better pitcher and it’s certainly possible he’ll get the save opportunities when he can pitch. However, I’m still backing Mujica. He was acquired in the Maybin trade as a back of the bullpen type. Meanwhile Cishek was a fifth round pick in 2007 and hasn’t closed much in the minors, 19 saves in 175 games. From an organizational perspective, Mujica was acquired more as a closer and Cishek as an arm. I must give made respect for @Jack as he almost got me to flip my position. Let’s just say I’m 51% in support of Mujica. UPDATE: Of course the above was written before the Marlins had a hold situation in the 8th and Mujica came in. Clearly, @Jack was right, I was wrong and Cishek is the guy to own for the time being. And, of course, because it’s the Marlins, Cishek blew the save. He got a lot of help from Giancarlo Stanton who misplayed a bloop single into a triple for Carlos Lee. However, Cishek did manage to walk Chris Johnson, somehow, and gave up a solid single to Brian Bogusevic. Going forward, Cishek will have some issues against lefties, but should remain the front runner in the pen…for now. I’d still like to own both or neither.

Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim: Scott Downs is feeling no ill-effects of the ball J.P. Arencibia careened off his knee. He should be ready to go. While the Angels went out and traded for Ernesto Frieri and some idiot thought he was the Padres closer of the future, he’s likely behind Jordan Walden in saves. Frieri has stuff well suited for Petco, as he is a huge fly ball pitcher and walks a healthy amount of batters. With him putting a lot of guys on base and a few more fly balls leaving the park, he’ll see a worse ERA in the American League. For the rest of the season, Frieri looks like a 3.65 ERA and 1.33 WHIP guy with 68 K’s.

San Diego Padres: The reason I was so high on Frieri was Andrew Cashner’s inability to throw strikes and how the Padres seem to prefer using Luke Gregerson in the seventh. So, hello Dale Thayer, who was originally signed by the Padres in 2002, but made his debut seven years after that for the Rays. He made his way back to the Padres after the New York Mets found no use for him. Seriously. Exclusively a reliever in the minors, Thayer has a 2.70 ERA, 1.23 WHIP and 3.01 K:BB rate at AAA. Of course a significant amount of those innings came after he turned 28. Thayer isn’t a K guy but a ground ball pitcher in a Jim Johnson mold. So far, his control seems a bit above average. It looks like there is no reason to carry Cashner or Gregerson on your team as Thayer is the handcuff for Huston Street.

New York Yankees: Supposedly, David Robertson is sharing closing duties with Rafael Soriano, but Robertson is by far the one you want to own. He’s simply the best, better than all the rest. I’d bet on Robertson securing 95% of the Yankees saves ROTW. I’d hold Soriano if there aren’t any pressing roster matters for a week or so, but it’s Robertson’s job to run with. Sure, Robertson blew a save last night somewhat spectacularly, but the runs were the first ones he  allowed since September of last year. He’ll get a long rope; however don’t go dropping Soriano just yet.

Washington Nationals: Good thing Brad Lidge is, well, Brad Lidge because Henry Rodriguez has been ascending the BS meter. That said, Rodriguez still has impeccable numbers (2.84 ERA, 2.94 FIP, 3.11 xFIP) and has no real challenger in the Nats pen. His walk rate will continue to catch up to him and hurt his ratios, but not enough to cost him interim closing duties. The rest of the year, Rodriguez will post a 3.50 ERA, 1.38 WHIP and 68 K’s.

Toronto Blue Jays – Until his injury, I continually thought Sergio Santos was in no danger of losing the role to Francisco Cordero. Cordero has been birding on a wire for some time now and a trip to the AL East was going to knock him off. Well, Cordero is now out of the interim seat and Casey Janssen is keeping it warm. Drop Cordero, pick up Janssen, who is better, anyway. Look for Janssen to be a 3.72 ERA and 1.22 WHIP guy the rest of the way with maybe 50 K’s. He’s basically Scott Downs for the next couple of weeks. It looks like Santos won’t be ready to go for about 14 days.

Los Angeles Dodgers: It seems if you approach Heath Bell territory on the BS meter (Cordero, Guerra), you lose your job. Kenley Jansen is filthy, capably of putting up a 2.50 ERA, 1.11 WHIP and 80 K’s the rest of the way. Finally, you can drop Javy Guerra.

Cincinnati Reds: On Wednesday, after Sean Marshall gave up a lead-off homer to Ryan Braun in the ninth, Logan Ondrusek began warming in the bullpen. Marshall then fanned Aramis Ramirez and Corey Hart hit a ball to the warning track in dead center. Jonathan Lucroy followed with a single on the 12th pitch of the at bat and then Aoki got a cheap bloop to left. So, Dusty Baker pulled Marshall for Ondrusek. What the what!?! Ondrusek immediately went 3-0 on the mighty Cesar Izturis and walked him two pitches later. Of course, Travis Ishikawa swung on the first pitch of the subsequent AB and hit a weak fly to left. Game over. Ondrusek is a fine, not special reliever, capable of finishing with a 3.15 ERA, 1.25 WHIP and 55 K’s. He’s no Aroldis Chapman or Sean Marshall though. Marshall has been exceptional aside from one outing and I fully expect him to get the bulk of the saves for the Reds.

David Wright is somebody that I hurt myself again from owning annually. This year, Mets doctors aside, I’m optimistic. Yes his BABIP will decrease, but Wright is walking more and striking out less relative to his career norms. One significant change this year is his batted ball profile, as he is hitting far more line drives and far less fly balls, in addition to a noticeable increase in ground balls. Since line drives and ground balls are less likely to lead to an out, compared to fly balls, I expect this to improve his OPS. He may hit a few less home runs than he otherwise would, but he should still increase his total bases through an increase in hits overall. A rebound near .370/.480/.850 should be attainable for the rest of the season. Of course, I feel like Wright needs the caveat that anything seems like it can go wrong at any point, as it has in years past. Still, with a spike in walk rate and line drives, I’m hopeful for a rebound. I’ll admit that I’m a fool for you, David. Because you’re mine, and you hit the line drives.

Josh Willingham is for real. He hit 29 homers while playing for the A’s last season. His HR/FB has been above 20% since last August and I think that he will be able to maintain this uptick in power, which is great news in OPS leagues. This season, he’s posted a walk rate and strikeout rate that are reasonable for him. One negative factor is that he’s been hitting more of his fly balls in the infield, leading to an automatic out, but I expect this to improve as the season progresses. I’ll give him his career line of .360/.480/.840 for the rest of the season. If you find a Willingham owner who thinks he’s selling high, I’d make an offer because he can easily reach 25 homers and could even hit 30+ with a little luck.

Joey Votto is awesome. Everybody knows that he’s a top player in OPS fantasy leagues, but he’s actually getting better as a baseball player. His walk rate has literally increased every year that he’s been in the majors: 12.9% in 2009, 14.0% in 2010, 15.3% in 2011, and 21.1% in 2012. His current OBP of .445 is ridiculous and is a key factor in allowing him to produce a .940 OPS, despite having a slugging below .500 (last year’s .531 slugging was a career low). His increased line drive rate and decreased fly ball rate are likely to lead to an increase in doubles at the expense of homers. However, his two homers to date are not indicative of what to expect going forward. I believe that he will hit somewhere in the high 20s of home runs, while increasing his HR/FB above 15% from his current 9% level. Votto just keeps getting better and I see his 2011 line of .420/.530/.950 for the rest of the season.

Brandon Belt proves that there’s still gold in them California mines. He’s always clobbered minor league pitching, but he failed to live up to expectations last year, amid sporadic playing time. Somewhere, Jason Heyward sympathizes. This year, Belt initially dealt with the same lack of confidence from the Giants, but over the past week it looks like he’s finally getting regular playing time. If the team continues to give him a shot, he has a lot of upside. No, I’m not going to buy into Bill James’ 2012 projection of an .840 OPS just yet, but I think he reaches an .800 OPS going forward. With him not being owned in many leagues, I would keep an eye on him and take a flier if you have space. Brandon versus the Giants is just like David and Goliath, only this time David wins.

Chris Sale – This is a message from the Emergency Broadcast Network.  If you are a closer, just go for an MRI now.  You’re pitching with a torn tendon.  I repeat, you have a torn tendon.  So, Addison Reed might now be the closer on the White Sox, as Sale goes to get an MRI today.  Robin Ventura thought a good way to preserve an injured pitcher’s arm was to throw him into high-leverage situations.  I say that’s crummy with crackers, but what do I know?  I’m just a guy who has a hard time pronouncing the word ‘peculiar.’  If Reed is out there, I’d grab him immediately.  If Reed gets the closer job, he has a chance to be a strong Donkeycorn with $12 Salad upside.   To all of those who are reading Razzball for the first time, that last sentence wasn’t gibberish.  It only sounded like it.

Jeff Niemann – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Yankees in the House They Built Across The Street From The House Ruth Built.  You got co-jo’s (I’m gonna start saying co-jo’s for cojones; hopefully, it works better than twelve after twenty).  I mean, big giant co-jo’s if you went with Niemann in this start, and your co-jo’s were rewarded.  Good co-jo’s.

Matt Joyce – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer.  His first halves are so obviously hot every year, I’m sorta kicking myself for not owning Joyce.  (We should’ve got Beltran in at least one league, too.  That one hurts worse.  Eh, it’s Monday morning quarterbacking.  Beltran could be doing a Torii and vice versa.)

Casey Janssen – Got the save yesterday and will for the immediate future.  Doesn’t his last name look like a loveseat at Ikea?  Why do you have such crazy spellings and such comfortable furniture?  “If you want, I’ll sleep on the Janssen, and you can crash on the Wilhelmsen or Sogard.”  Eh, maybe it’s me.  Any the hoo!  Janssen is now the Blue Jays closer.  I doubt this will stick very long, but it wasn’t like Santos is on the DL with a chipped tooth.  WAPU!  (Where Available Pick Up — Note to self:  Acronyms aren’t that handy when I have to spell out what they mean.)

Brandon Morrow – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 10 Ks. Hey, I heard you were a wild one… Does Flo Rida rhyme Cus D’AMato in that song?  So Morrow is back to the crazy K/walk guy that I once loved?  I don’t get it, but I offered Rudy a bet that Morrow will have at least a 3.75 ERA the rest of the way, and Rudy didn’t jump at the wager, offering me back 3.50.  Whatever the case, he’s not staying at 2.27 ERA, where he’s currently at.

J.P. Arencibia – 1-for-4 with his 3rd homer.  He has 2 homers in the last week and is hitting over .400.  What’s your craptcher doing?

Ike Davis – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer.  I wouldn’t say he’s alive yet (still hitting .179), but he definitely hit a homer yesterday (maybe while sleepwalking).  It seems pretty implausible that he has an average under .250 this year, so it’ll take a whole lot of tryin’ (and some hits) just to get up that hill.

Jeanmar Gomez – 7 IP, 8 ER, 13 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Hopefully not too many of you went for this Cleveland Streamer.

Zack Greinke – 8 IP, 2 H, 11 Ks.  He’s turned into the ultimate homeschooler since he’s become a Brewer.  Last year, his Home/Away ERA was 3.13/4.70.  This year, it’s 1.80/7.20.  Maybe someone can start packing Greinke’s blankie with him on road trips.

John Axford – 1 IP, 2 ER.  Kazaam!

Ryan Braun – 2-for-4 with his 10th homer to raise his average to .313.  Let’s do a first tier of the top ten check (which is kinda like a cup check but less stressful):  1. Braun — Fine.  2. Miggy — Fine.  3. Pujols — Maybe it’s not less stressful.  4. Votto — Maybe you hit for power.  5. Bautista — Well, Braun and Miggy are good.

Aroldis Chapman – Moved his record to 3-0 and his ratios to 0.00 ERA and 0.57 WHIP with 27 Ks in 15 2/3 IP.  Is there any other rotation Aroldis wouldn’t be a part of in the history of baseball?  The 1971 O’s?  The 1920 White Sox?  The 1889 Spiders?

Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks to lower his ERA to 1.12.  He’s in such a zone, right now every batter he sees he pictures Jason LaRue.

Drew Stubbs – 2-for-4, as he stole 3rd base with two outs in a 0-0 game.  Later, Brandon Phillips stole 2nd with two outs in the 9th inning with Bruce at bat and the pitcher’s slot up next, which meant the other team would walk Bruce to get to the Reds’ best pinch hitter, Miguel Cairo.  Dusty Baker may be a lot of things, but he’s definitely a SAGNOF loyalist.  Who steals with Bruce up in the 9th inning with two outs knowing they’ll walk him?  So bonkers.  Why isn’t Buzz Bissinger following around Dusty Baker for one season to record his moves?  “Today, Dusty Baker had the infield play on the grass for five innings accidentally when he moved his toothpick to the left side of his mouth.”

Sean Marshall – Why do I feel like we should start calling the site Razzball:  All Saves, All the Time.  Marshall tried to blow yesterday’s game, but instead gave up a solo homer to Braun and Dusty pulled him, so Logan Ondrusek picked up the save.  Marshall’s been pretty bad (almost 5 ERA, 1.55 WHIP), so I wouldn’t be surprised if Dusty does go to Chapman or Logan.  You can’t speculate on Chapman in any competitive leagues, because he’s owned, but there’s always Ondrusek — it’s the age of Ikea furniture!

Jonathan Sanchez – To the Disgraceful List.  We may never see him again in the under four epoch.  Or ERA, if you don’t have a grade schooler’s tendency to overuse a thesaurus.

Josh Johnson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  When the FIP meets the pavement, Johnson takes off.  I’m not totally convinced he’s fully around the corner, but he’s obviously no longer doing donuts in Garbageville.

Steve Cishek – Do you even have to ask what the new closer for the Marlins did?  Do you really need to ask?  Of course you don’t, but I’ll tell ya.  He blew the save.  It wasn’t totally his fault, but Mujica still may steal more glances from Ozzie’s Neck Towel.

Christian Friedrich – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  As previously mentioned the other day aforementionedly, I like Friedrich in NL-Only leagues.  His K/BB rate was very solid in the minors and now that he’s done what he did vs. the Padres, he’ll get the Giants next.  Yes, please and thank you.

Josh Willingham – 2-for-4 with his 6th homer.  Back from his cold sores, he’s got a hot bat.  Googler of “cold sores” + “hot bat,” we won’t judge you here.

Danny Valencia – Twins optioned him to Triple-A.  Twins are hoping to get Valencia going against lesser competition and split squad games are so Spring Training.

Francisco Liriano – Demoted to the bullpen because the Twins didn’t want their Triple-A team to get any worse.

Erik Bedard – Left the 2nd inning with back spasms.  Doesn’t sound too bad, so he’ll probably miss a month.

Andrew McCutchen – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games.  Giancarlo’s plus one for the 2nd Rounders Who Were Disappointing Party finally showed up.  Someone should ring up Hanley and Reyes so these flat breads don’t go to waste.

Joel Hanrahan – Got the save yesterday, but Hanrahanananananananan’s nananananananananana passed away and he will be out on bereavement this Friday.  Grilli or Juan Cruz could see saves this weekend.  In one league, I threw another closer on the Grilli.

Allen Craig – Hit his 3rd homer.  All he’s done is hit since his return from the DL.  Speaking of DL stints, Berkman’s due back Friday.  Playing time is a concern for Craig, but I’m thinking the Cards have to play him.  Your deity of choice knows their blahtoon at 2nd base isn’t working, so Craig could move there.

J.J. Putz – 2/3 IP, 4 ER to raise his ERA to 9.00.  It was a non-save situation, but I’m beginning to think by July there’s gonna be teams dialing up Alfonseca to close games.  Maybe they can get a six-finger discount.

Adam Dunn – Hit his 10th homer yesterday.  I was obviously wrong that Dunn was done.  Bunyan’s still got some lumber.  Big Donkey’s still deserves the brays.  Adam’s the apple of every fantasy baseballer (<–my mom’s term!) who wants 30+ homers and a lousy average.  It was mocked when Ventura put Dunn in the three hole, but I’m not sure it was a stroke of genius or every move Ventura’s done so far is dopey, but if you throw enough shizz against the wall, something will stick.  And something will stink.

Tim Lincecum – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks.  On the bright side, there was only two walks and 8 Ks.  On the less bright side, it was two walks in only five innings and he gave up 8 hits and 4 runs.

Jake Peavy – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks to lower his ERA to 1.89.  It’s silly early to be saying this, but it wouldn’t shock me to see him in the Cy Young running, if he stays healthy.  Then next year, I’ll like him a lot and he’ll get hurt in April.

Drew Storen – Might throw this week putting him on schedule to return in early June.  I hope he has a setback because I have HanK-Rod in a few leagues, but that’s just me.

Chris Johnson – 1-for-3 with his 4th homer.  Or 4 homers in the last week.  Maybe I should’ve dropped Zimmerman when he returned from the DL.  Things that make you go hmm…

Yoenis Cespedes – Has a strained muscle in his left hand.  The A’s are saying he can avoid the DL and could be in the lineup as early as today.  Michael Moore offered to take Yoenis back to Cuba for tests, but he declined.

Will Middlebrooks – Bobby Valentine said Middlebrooks won’t play the outfield, but will send him back to the minors when Youuuuuuuuuk returns.  Unless they can make Youuuuuuuuuk into gluuuuuuuuue.

Jason Vargas – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Marginer!

Tim Hudson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K.  I’d put him in the same class as Big Z, Capuano, Dempster (a tad better) and Ted Lilly, i.e., more valuable on your team than what you can get for them in a trade.

Rafael Dolis – A 1-2-3 inning to get the save.  It was a pleasant alternative to Marmol save opps.  Those usually sound like “SuperCarlosfrigginMarmolpissshitjustbringinRafaelDolis…”

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The Double-A Jackson Generals have quite an impressive rotation.  With Danny Hultzen and James Paxton alone, it’d be among the best rotations in Minor League Baseball.  Toss in Taijuan Walker, however, and now we’re looking at a truly special Double-A collection of arms, the likes of which doesn’t come around very often.

Both Hultzen and Paxton qualify as top-level pitching prospects, but Walker is the trump card in this group.  He’s the prized piece of the Seattle farm system.  The M’s chose to skip Walker past High-A and promoted him directly to Jackson this spring.  It was a bold move, considering he’s only 19-years-old and struggled with command at times at Low-A in 2011.  But Walker has been brilliant thus far in the Southern League, especially in regard to command.  Scouts have noticed a more consistent arm slot in 2012, which has rendered his mid-90′s fastball, his plus-plus curve, and his filthy changeup virtually indistinguishable upon release.  The result is a 2.6 BB/9, down from 3.6 a year ago.  The improved walk rate comes with a 1.30 ERA and a 9.1 K/9 through his first five appearances.  With ace-like stuff, improving command, tremendous athleticism, and advanced mental makeup, Taijuan Walker appears to be a sure-fire fantasy ace.  Throw Safeco Field into the mix, and the ceiling is sky-high.  Do keep in mind that he’s just 19, though.  There’s plenty of time for things to unravel.

Yasmani Grandal | C, San Diego | Born:  11/8/1988

With Jesus Montero and Devin Mesoraco graduating their prospect status here shortly, Yasmani Grandal joins Travis D’Arnaud and Gary Sanchez as the catchers of note in Minor League Baseball.  Funny to think he was buried behind Mesoraco in the Reds’ system just six months ago.  Now he’s off to a solid start in the San Diego minors, hitting .317/.453/.512 at Triple-A.  Grandal, a switch-hitter, projects to hit for a .290+ AVG and bring decent pop for a catcher.  His bat is, by all means, above average with regard to his position, and that’ll make him a hot fantasy asset when he arrives.

If there is a concern here, it’s on the defensive side of things.  Grandal allowed 19 passed balls last year, and while his bat may be big league-ready, his glove is far from it.  The Padres feature a young rotation at the Major League level (Suppan excluded) and it’d seem less than prudent to allow an inexperienced (and arguably inept) receiver to handle their staff.  San Diego has shown no signs of shifting Grandal in the field, however.  They’re intent on bringing him up as a catcher and they’re confident that he’ll suffice defensively.  In 10 games behind the dish this year, though, Grandal has thrown out one of four attempted thefts while already allowing four passed balls.  The sample certainly isn’t significant, but even so, he’ll need to show improvement if he expects to arrive in San Diego this year.  His bat is ready and fantasy owners are eager to see his name hit waivers.  Alas, we’re at the mercy of the Padres, and they could not care less that Arencibia is killing your team.

Adrian Beltre – 2-for-5 with a homer.  Pfft, wake me when you hit three more!

Scott Downs – Angels say Downs will be ready to return by Wednesday.  The Sciosciapath still considers him their closer.  Downs goes Frieri!  Downs goes Frieri!  Yeah, worked better when he was on the Blue Jays with Frasor.

Chris Sale – Last week, Ventura anointed Sale the closer.  So…he brought him into the 8th inning yesterday.  Plausible explanation:  He wanted his best reliever in a close game.  Also, plausible:  Sale is not the closer.  Also, plausible:  After all of those Nolan Ryan noogies, Robin Ventura doesn’t know how many innings there are in a game.  Addison Reed got the save with another perfect inning.  He could easily be the closer…Or Santiago…Or Sale.  It’s basically a closerf**k.

Dale Thayer – Literally, within five minutes of me dropping Cashner and picking up Thayer, he was blowing the game.  You still don’t believe The Closepocalypse is real?  He got lucky on a foul ball by Scutaro that was nearly a homer and another ball hit a baserunner.  I’m holding Thayer for now, but I wouldn’t be surprised if someone else closed the next Padres game.

Josh Thole – Mets placed him on the 7-day DL with a concussion.  Hey, I’m no doctor, but from what I’ve gleamed from five minutes of noodling around WebMD and watching how other players have reacted to concussions.  Are we sure the DL for concussions should be less time than the norm?

Jon Rauch – Got the save yesterday.  One small step for Rauch and one giant step for men over six-ten.  Francisco had worked the last three days, so this save for Rauch just shows the pecking order behind Francisco and some flashy neck tattoos.  “Yo, I’m gonna peacock my neck!”  That’s Rauch after reading up on pick-up artistry.

Dan Haren – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER vs. the Twins?  This doubled the amount of runs the Twins scored in all previous games combined.  I don’t want to keep pointing out the same thing, but Rudy said in the preseason this would be the year Haren falls apart.  So far, Haren’s ERA is 4.19.

Scott Diamond – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  In the box score, it said S. Diamond and I thought Selma Diamond pitched 17 years after her death.  She had sass, but not that much, I guess.

Ryan Doumit – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer.  I believe I said in the preseason that Doumit would be more valuable than Mauer this year.  And that’s me kinda paraphrasing me!

Albert Pujols – 0-for-4 to lower his average to .190.  This isn’t just bad for Albert; this stinks for all Pujolses.

David Robertson – Got the save yesterday as if there was any doubt.  I’d put his over/under for saves at 32.  Over/under for Ks at 110.  And over/under for times A-Rod checks out his package at 17.

Raul Ibanez – 2-for-3 with his 4th and 5th homers.  Seems like the Yankees have been benching him against lefties, which will hurt his overall numbers.  And being 40-something.  That’ll hurt those numbers too.

Andy Pettitte – Will start vs. the M’s on Sunday.  He’s been anything but outstanding during his tune up.  Bernie Williams, “Did someone say they want me to tune up the guitar?”  No, Bernie.  Against the M’s is a solid matchup, but unless things are really hard for you I wouldn’t Pettitte, even though it usually works the opposite way.

Randall Delgado – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  After his last start (8 IP, 2 ER), I said I’d watch him this start.  Well, I didn’t because I was doing the podcast that is coming later today with anutter special guest.  But the box score is telling me, you should pick up Delgado in all leagues deeper than 14 team mixed and possibly even shallower, depending on your starter shituation.  He’s only 22 years old and he could have a 9+ K-rate.  Yes, I basically love all Braves young pitchers, but they’re an easy group to love.

Ryan Dempster – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  He obviously should be owned everywhere.  His ERA won’t stay at 1.02, but he does get solid Ks and can have a mid-3 ERA.

Omar Infante – Hit his 6th homer yesterday.  Dah!  Just when Stanton finally passed him.

Anibal Sanchez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks to lower his ERA to 2.01.  Are we waiting until October to thank me for pushing everyone into drafting this guy?

Aneury Rodriguez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks.  His minor league numbers are pretty blehtastic and if you pick him up he may give you an aneurysm.

Will Middlebrooks – Left yesterday’s game with hamstring tightness.  As of right now, Middlebrooks looks like he might miss a day or two.  This comes just hours after the Red Sox announced they were considering using Middlebrooks in the outfield.  They’re also considering just using Youkilis as a ticket taker at Gate E.

Daniel Bard – 7 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K.  Outside of AL-Only leagues, I’m kinda surprised people still own him.

Yoenis Cespedes – Was a late scratch because of his wrist.  Sounds itchy!

Carlos Beltran – 2-for-4, 6 RBIs and two homers, or more homers in one game than Pujols has all year, and nearly more RBIs.  Beltran is The Great Zombino!

Ian Kennedy – 7 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Seriously, don’t mess with the 1927 Cardinals.

Carlos Marmol – Dale Sveum said Marmol may not get the job back.  But he has a 12+ walk rate, doesn’t that count for something?!  I could see dropping Marmol in most leagues.  He was dropped in my RCL and an NL-Only league and no one’s going near him.  I would grab Dolis or Russell, in that order.  (Or reverse order if you’re dyslexic.)

Miguel Tejada – The Orioles signed him.  It was part of a deal Dan Duquette made with the devil:  The Orioles can be in first place at the 1/6th point of the season, but then you must make transactions that make you look silly.

Yovani Gallardo – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  As I’ve been saying to people, Gallardo had a 6.23 ERA last April and you still drafted him this year as your top starter.  We’re in May now and he just threw a solid game vs. a tough hitting team.  By August, you will have forgotten he was miserable in April, and then by next April you’ll be frustrated again when he’s wretched.

Ryan Zimmerman – He returned from the DL to go 1-for-4 with a run.  Right back at, huh, Ryan?

Henry Rodriguez – 2/3 IP, 2 ER.  For a guy you got off of waivers, he’s still doing okay.  Don’t pull the rip cord on him yet.

A.J. Burnett – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, which comes on the heels of a 2 2/3 IP, 12 ER outing.  You know what he’s doing, right?  Here, “Ooh, I’m gonna pick up Burnett.”  BAM, awful outing!  “Eff that in the eff hole, I’m dropping his ass.”  BOOM, good outing!  He’s totally messing with you.

Andrew McCutchen – 1-for-3 with his 1st homer.  The Dread Pirate finally makes his nickname about his hair again.

Francisco Cordero – 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  Move your small children and closers away from the windows!  The Closepocalypse is coming through!  Blue Jays might go to Jason Frasor for the next save chance, but, let’s just say, I didn’t run to the wire to pick him up.  Darren Oliver is another option, but, yeah, didn’t pick him up either.

Ryan Vogelsong – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners, 1 K as Vogelsong plays that sweet doctor’s office music I talked about last week.  Won’t excite you for good or bad, which is sometimes what you need.

Jarrod Parker – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA is at 1.80.  I’m being serious when I say this, but in any leagues of 12 team mixed or shallower, there’s no reason to have a team ERA over 3.50.

Josh Reddick – 1-for-3 with his 6th homer.  Think this is the first time I’ve mentioned him, or if you’re feeling punchy, it’s Reddick’s bow.  Hard for me to get fully behind A’s hitters, but he now has 4 homers in the last ten games.

J.J. Hardy – 2-for-4 with his 7th homer to raise his average to .244.  Meanwhile, Nick Markakis also homered, going 3-for-5 to raise his average to .246.  Member when Markakis was really good?  Makes you nostalgikis.

Alex Avila – Will miss at least two games with a sore patella.  My pharmacist’s name is Patella.  I don’t think they’re related.

Casey Blake – Retired yesterday.  In remembrance of Casey Blake, let’s not forget the time he painted a table to look like a soccer ball and Manny kicked it and missed a week with a sore toe.

To Those That Passed That (adjective) Trade,

When I saw the trade of (Player(s) Traded Away) for (Player(s) Received), I contemplated vetoing the trade, but even one trade veto can have a domino effect and before you know it every trade is being vetoed.  Instead, I decided to take the high road and just voice my disagreement on this message board.  Though I do sometimes question my leaguemates’ ability to read something that isn’t scribbled in crayons. On the bright side, you two (plural derogatory name) who were involved in the trade can use this post to practice your reading comprehension.   It’s not too late for that GED!

Since no one has the courtesy to respond to my trade offers, I figured you two were busy hanging out with your significant others. You know, your mothers. “No, Mom, I have friends.  The phone just rang the other day.  Now please pass the Miracle Whip.  Your chicken salad is dry.”  Or maybe you were busy making up excuses for walking in on your sister while she’s showering. “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t hear the water running.”  Or maybe you two were busy (verb) each other in your (adjective) (body part).

It’s obviously your strategic prerogative to make any trades you want, as it’s my prerogative to wish you both harm. So, douchetards, I have an idea. Rather than digging through dumpsters for discarded porno mags, how about you two (plural derogatory name) get together and punch each other in the face?

The Guy Who Is Still Going To Beat Both Of You,

(Name)

P.S. Anyone need a closer?

Jhoulys Chacin – Went to the Disgraceful List when he refused his assignment to Triple-A.  If you are gonna suck in your first 5 MLB starts of the year, Jhoulys you can do is report to AAA.

Christian Friedrich – Once top prospect fell off of radars due to injuries and velocity issues.  This year, he’s looked solid in Triple-A with 27 Ks and 4 walks.  It’s like this Christian is born again!  I wouldn’t go near him with a 120 inch pole yet in mixed leagues, but in NL-Only leagues I’d grab him for his start vs. the Padres.  Yeah, those Padres.  Wait, those were the same Padres that hit Pomenranz so hard PETA was called in.

Alex White – It’s all Rockies pitchers all the time.  White is also making Triple-A hitters seem like a bunch of minors (21/8 K/BB).  In mixed leagues, I wouldn’t carry White, said in a sultry voice.  For now, he’s an NL-Only flyer.  (He also gets the Padres.  Yup, still those Padres.)

Jayson Werth – As originally announced here after I read it elsewhere, Werth will miss 12 weeks with wrist surgery after breaking it Sunday night.  He must be pist.  If I didn’t have the DL room, I’d drop Werth.  Wrists are kinda important for hitters and there’s a chance, even if he returns this year, he might not be right until next year.

Tyler Moore – Was called up by the Nats and showed a ton of power in the minors, but for now he’s a bench bat on the Nats.  So in deep NL-Only leagues, he’s just a temp fill-in, i.e., I wouldn’t marry Tyler Moore.

Kevin Youkilis – On his rehab, he started a walking program.  I don’t get it; taking walks was about the only thing he could still do.

Will Middlebrooks – 3-for-5 with 2 homers as the Red Sox contemplate telling Youuuuk to take a long walk.  Middlebrooks will cool down at some point, but who cares?  Pick him up.  Now.

Josh Willingham – Didn’t start yesterday due to a skin condition near his mouth.  Sounds like The Other White Meat’s throbbing lardons are getting him in trouble.

Francisco Liriano – 5 IP, 4 ER.  Incredible that Liriano is still starting for the Twins, then again there’s players in their starting lineup that probably aren’t on any other team’s roster:  Jamey Carroll, Danny Valencia, Brian Dozier, Eric Komastu, Trevor Plouffe and Chris Parmelee.  Just because they play in Target Field doesn’t mean they have to only shop in bargain bins.

Giancarlo Stanton – Hit his 6th homer in the last ten games.  Rawr, rawr like a Stanton dragon!

Carlos Zambrano – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks.  As noted in the preseason, “Ozzie will either bond with Zambrano and have him produce his best year since the mid-naughts or their personalities together will become so combustible that Little Havana will break from the union and form the 51st state with Ozzie becoming Supreme Leader of Little Havana and having Zambrano executed.”  And that’s me noting me!  It looks like the former is coming true.  I’d absolutely grab Big Z in the non-sexual way.  Could be a solid 4th to 5th fantasy starter in mixed leagues.  Crayola Canyon definitely won’t hurt.

Brandon Snyder – 3-for-5, 2 runs and 6 RBIs with his 2nd homer.  Now has two homers in his last three starts.  Only problem is it took nearly a week to get 3 starts.

Nelson Cruz – 3-for-4, 3 runs.  Could the season long drought finally be coming to an end?  C’mon, Cruz, make it rain, man.

Aubrey Huff – Returned from the DL for anxiety related reasons.  Guess that means he’s back from lunch.

Cole Hamels – Guaranteed himself a suspension by admitting he threw at Bryce Harper.  When asked by teammates and management why he couldn’t show more restraint on what he says to the press, Cole replied, “I did show restraint.  I didn’t mention how my ‘old school pitching’ is modeled after the Romans and I threw at Harper because his eye black reminded me of that Christ-wannabe, Tim Tebow.”

Philip Humber – 2 1/3 IP, 8 ER.  Reminds me of the time I went through a perfect fartless vacation weekend with a girlfriend and then woke up the next morning back at my apartment and nearly Dutch Oven’d myself to death.

Doug Fister – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Sure, it doesn’t hurt to return to a matchup against the M’s, but I’d still give Fister a fighting chance on a mixed league team.

Ernesto Frieri – Scioscia announced that Frieri or Walden will get saves while Downs is, uh, down.  Welcome, Frieri, to saver town.  Hopefully, Frieri will enter each game in a red 1967 convertible Chevy Camaro, and when he leans in to get the signal from the catcher, he does The Hunch.

Mike Trout – Sat out yesterday for Bourjos.  They need Morales to hurt himself (while hurting Vernon Wells).  The Sciosciapath doesn’t have cojones to start Pujols at 3rd base.  Somewhere, La Russa’s reading that and his feathered hair is feeling a little bouncier.

Jonathan Papelbon – 1 IP, 3 ER.  Kazaam!

Jordany Valdespin – Hit the game winning homer.  He has great speed and some decent power (15 homers, 33 steals last year in Double-A), but I’m not sure the Mets will play him (they should, but not sure they will).  Plus, his name sounds like it’s from a Harry Potter Character Name Generator.

Cody Ransom – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, as he bats .351.  Yes, he should be playing every day.  No, he’s not.  Yes, he’s old so this sudden burst won’t continue.  No, it doesn’t matter.

Guillermo Mota – 100 games for a second positive PED test.  PEDS are just his M.O. (Mota Operandi).

Jered Weaver – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Well, Johnny Vander Meer’s family can stop following him around now.

Lance Lynn – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 7 Ks, lowering his ERA to 1.40.  Okay, but now I’m officially concerned about an upcoming correction.  4 walks in 5 innings is not good and 1.40 ERA won’t stay that low.

Allen Craig – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer.  I told you to grab him yesterday.  What’s changed?  The day.

Jeff Samardzija – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  You know that guy that you invited last second to join your league who you really don’t like and is currently in first?  He’s going to pick up Samardzija if you don’t.

Bryan LaHair – 1-for-3 as LaHair moussed his 8th homer.

Ian Stewart – 1-for-3 with his 3rd homer.  Does he have a section of Wrigley that dresses up like Cubs with Stewart jerseys called Stewart’s Root Bears?

Adrian Cardenas – The Cubs called up the ex A’s prospect to be the UTIL after Blake DeWitt was DFA’d (unfortunately his mom Joyce never hooked up with Theo’s dad, Juan, at the 70′s Battle of the Network Stars).  He’s played 2nd in the minors and delivers high average, average speed, and a below average glove.  Given that the Cubs have a dinosaur playing second, he could see some ABs if he’s hitting.  Stash for NL-only.

Wilson Betemit – 1-for-3 with his 4th homer (and third in the last ten games).  He also has a hit in nine of his last ten games while batting .357.  There, folks, is your hot schmotato.

J.J. Hardy – 3-for-4.  Actually, more impressed with a three hit night from Hardy than I would be with a 1-for-4 with a homer night.  As my ex-girlfriends will tell you, I’m a small ball kinda guy.

Edinson Volquez – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  A hodgepadre that was pitchslapped by Pomeranz.  (I can only imagine if this is someone’s first time reading the site.  Did he say ‘A hodgepadre that was pitchslapped?’  Where am I and how do I get back to ESPN?)

Dale Thayer – Thayer throwing pills for the save yesterday — what a relief!   Since Cashner threw 39 pitches the day before, he wasn’t available.  I’d hold Cashner, but this also proves that Gregerson is nowhere near getting saves.

Zack Cozart – 1-for-5 with his 3rd homer, but only his 7th RBI.  Could the pitcher’s spot get on base once in a while?  Geez…

Alex Gonzalez – Tore his ACL, which comes just days after Gamel also tore his ACL.  The last time a Milwaukee duo tore up joints like that, it was Laverne & Shirley after Lenny & Squiggy slipped some Spanish Fly in their Schlitzes.

We have tweaked the Competitive Index formula in an attempt to balance the problem of abandoned teams, which will become more prevalent as the season progresses. The bottom 2 numbers in each statistical category are now dropped in the index calculation. Of course, there is no perfect way to compare 48 leagues, but we feel this will give us the best results for a fair and fun competition. RCL 9 continues to set the pace with a strong LCI of 105. Schmohawk in Training is right behind at 104.

With the first month of the season completed, I checked back to the drafts to see who had the best results. No team drafting first overall finished April in first place. The only other draft slot where this occurred was #12. 8 teams drafting 9th sat in first place after 1 month. While only 1 team that drafted Miguel Cabrera was leading their league, 16 teams that took Matt Kemp sat atop the standings. Of the 6 teams that drafted a pitcher in round 1, Team Hill (Go Big or Go Home) had the best April result, sitting in 5th place after taking Roy Halladay with the 11th pick.

There were 28 trades this week, bringing the total for the year to 79. Albert Pujols was traded 3 times, but his owners weren’t letting him go cheap. He was dealt for Joey Votto in Beef SAGNOF!, Prince Fielder in RCL 16, and Dan Uggla and Alex Rodriguez in RCL 9. In a move that should pay big dividends, The Fugs (Epic Beardmen Division) acquired Yovani Gallardo for Henry Rodriguez. In the search for saves, Trevor Cahill was traded for Francisco Cordero; Brandon McCarthy for Jonathan Broxton; Dan Uggla for Jonathan Papelbon; Ian Kennedy for Fernando Rodney; Cameron Maybin for Jim Johnson; Bryce Harper for Addison Reed; and Ted Lilly for Sean Marshall. In RCL 29, Gio Gonzalez was dealt for Chris Perez and Santiago Casilla. Also traded this week were Miguel Cabrera, Robonson Cano, Stephen Strasburg, Ian Kinsler, and Giancarlo Stanton. You can find all the trades listed in the Fantasy Baseball Forums. Look for the RCL under “Everything Else.”

Mastersball Carey (Ryan Carey) continues to lead the Expert League by 9.5 points, but there is a tight battle behind him as only 7.5 points separate 2nd and 8th. Rudy and Grey are in this group, in 3rd and 4th respectively. Both have much better pitching than hitting numbers. Grey is last in average (.250) and has just 18 hitting points, compared to 53.5 pitching points. For Rudy, pitching dominates 51.5 – 21.5.

Weekly Leaders

Chuck Norris (The Fuzz – Schmohawk in Training) had the top hitting team, finishing at .289 with 59 runs, 17 home runs, 64 RBI, and 9 steals. While Nelson Cruz was hitting .115, the likes of Jason Kipnis and Pedro Alvarez helped carry the load. Starlin Castro and Carlos Gonzalez also had great weeks. Oh my Crawford (RCL 29) led in pitching with 8 wins and 7 saves, along with fine ratios of 2.22 and 0.94. Felix Hernandez, Mark Buehrle, and CC Sabathia paced the staff.

Average: .345 (All I Do is Nguyen    - RCL 25)
Runs: 60 (DJ Roomba – Fausto or Roberto?)
HR: 20 (Fastballs At Ridgemont High – Schmohawk in Training)
RBI: 64 (The Fuzz – Schmohawk in Training)
SB: 16 (Team Little – The Dread Pirate Returns)
Ks: 86 (BG Nitros – RCL 40)
Wins: 10 (seward bellman – RCL 16)
Saves: 9 (Team Juiced – RCL 4, # Thanzig – Myrtle’s Acres, Good Wood – RCL 40)
ERA: 0.81 (The Oh No No’s – RCL 41)
WHIP: 0.69 (Kenny Effin’ Powers AllStars – RCL 44)

TEAM OF THE WEEK – April 30 – May 6
Navseal 7 (RCL 9)
90/303 (.297) 59R/17 HR/60 RBI/7 SB	71 IP 69K/4 W/2.41/0.90/3 S
Navseal 7 jumped from 80.5 to 101 points in RCL 9 this week, stretching their lead to 29 points. Chipper Jones (.429/7 Runs/2 HR/9 RBI) and Carlos Gonzalez (.391/6 Runs/3 HR/9 RBI/1 SB) were the offensive leaders, while Adam Dunn contributed 4 home runs and hit .318. Felix Hernandez picked up a win and 18 strikeouts, with an ERA of 0.56 and 0.75 WHIP. David Price won his lone start and struck out 8. He allowed 1 run and 4 baserunners in 8 innings. Jonathan Papelbon added a couple of saves.

Nice group, yeah? Those are 9 of the 10 leaders in HR from 2009-2011.

Pujols, Fielder, Teixeira, Howard, Cabrera, Uggla.

Listed there are 6 of the 7 players to hit at least 30 HR in every season from 2009 through 2011.

The player not mentioned in both groupings? It’s this week’s Creeper, Mark Reynolds. His 113 HR from 2009-2011 place him 3rd (!) in all of baseball during that stretch, and yet he’s only owned in 47% of ESPN leagues and 51% of Yahoo leagues as of Sunday (!!). While his level of ownership is higher than most players detailed in these writeups, the criteria for the column are players who are underowned and primed for a big week. A 3B with perhaps the biggest power bat at the position meets those with ease.

The Orioles have a full week of games at home for week 6 (or 5, depending on league) of the fantasy season, with three of those scheduled against LHP. Matt Harrison and Derek Holland have struggled with RHH in their careers, Holland coughing up 50 of his 57 career HR and allowing twice as many flyballs as he does to same-handed batters, Harrison surrendering 35 of his career 47 HR and also showing a flyball rate that favors righty hitters. The other starter Texas has slated to pitch against Baltimore is Neftali Feliz, who has continued to be a flyball pitcher and has also experienced a drop in his K% since entering the rotation. For the Rays, Matt Moore profiles similarly to Holland and Harrison, a left-hander who is an extreme flyball pitcher against RHH. Jeremy Hellickson has shown improvement in his groundball rate so far this season, but still allows more FB than GB. Dogs in Tampa are thanking James Shields, as he’s burning worms at a 58% clip, but he’s still prone to gopheritis, allowing over 1 HR per 9 innings. With 6 of the 7 pitchers scheduled against the Orioles having issues surrendering flyballs and/or home runs, Camden Yards should see a few baseballs land in the bleachers this week; for years, it has been one of the most generous parks in baseball for HR. Aside from merely having favorable matchups and a great ballpark for the long ball this week, Reynolds has fared quite well facing LHP in his career, launching 45 HR and triple slashing .245/.373/.519 in 640 career AB against them.

Without revealing names, let’s do a quick comparison of the last three seasons:

Player A: .266, 111 HR, 341 RBI, 306 R, 6 SB, .363 OBP, .514 SLG
Player B: .228, 113 HR, 273 RBI, 261 R, 37 SB, .331 OBP, .489 SLG

and just 2011:

Player A: .248, 39 HR, 111 RBI, 90 R, 4 SB, .341 OBP, .494 SLG
Player B: .221, 37 HR, 86 RBI, 84 R, 6 SB, .323 OBP, .483 SLG

Player A is 3rd round pick Mark Teixeira. Mystery Man is … well, that should be obvious by now. But he went in the 15th round on average. As a 3B. Sure, his average was low, but so was his BABIP (.266). If he matched his career BABIP of .309, he’d have sported a slightly less bad .242 AVG. You aren’t getting him for average anyway, but there are some signs he could reach the .240 barrier. He’s making career best contact on swings at pitches in the strike zone – Pitchf/x and Statcorner have him at 6-8% higher than his previous career best, fangraphs less friendly at 1%. Contact rates tend to be reliable by 100 PA, and they suggest his K rate is likely a bit high. He’s swinging at fewer pitches than ever before, and to no surprise he has a career high walk rate of 17%. Mark’s HR/FB ratio is less than half his career average, and with him hitting half of all his batted balls in the air, a return to his 20.7% career clip would leave many paying customers happy.

What better place than Camden Yards? What better time than this week? Mini-Donkey radio, turn that shit up. Even hell may not stop him this week.

Cory Luebke – Probably needs Tommy John surgery.  He said his symptoms point to it.  Now the only thing between him and Tommy John surgery is a visit to Dr. James Andrews.  Thank your deity of choice that Dr. James Andrews didn’t become a dentist.  “I think I have a cavity.”  “Okay, you’re gonna be sidelined 12 to 15 months.”

Heath Bell – Ozzie wrapped a towel around his neck and finally pulled the plug on Bell.  Joey Cora applauded the decision, saying, “No one wears a towel around a neck like Ozzie.”  Was about two weeks coming now that Bell would be rung up, and I’ve been telling you to pick up Cishek for about as long.  He’s been flat-out dominant (0.63 ERA, 0.91 WHIP) so there’s a chance he takes the job and runs with.  He didn’t get the save yesterday because he was used excessively the other day.  There’s also a chance Ozzie lets Bell get saves again after a week or two in the bullpen.  Or Ozzie could just see Mujica get a save and let him run with the job.  What I think happens to Bell is he’s ineffective in a setup role and lands on the Disgraceful List.  It wasn’t like Bell was lost because of confidence.  Not like he’s new to the 9th inning.  Something’s off with him physically.

Jayson Werth – Will miss at least 6 weeks with a broken wrist.  FWIWerth, I think he could miss three months.  I was speculating earlier that Harper might not stay in the bigs, even though they named a cereal after him (Bryce Krispies).  Now Harper’s definitely not going anywhere, except to the store to buy more eye black.

Matt Kemp – Didn’t start yesterday with a tight hamstring.  Dodgers are saying he’ll be fine.  Kemp’s owners are praying he’ll be fine.

Javy Guerra – Blew the save, but, with the current closer situation around the majors, he looked downright awesome!

Jason Bay – Terry Collins said it still hurts when Bay laughs, which makes it hard to play since Bay’s career has become such a joke.

Ruben Tejada – Probably headed to the DL with a quad strain. C’mon, Ruben, it’s nothing a little extra Thousand Island dressing can’t fix.

Lorenzo Cain – Now will be out for at least another month.  Finally, he gets an everyday job handed to him and he can’t stay healthy.  Him and Mat Gamel should take the University of Phoenix online seminar, “Opportunities Knocks Isn’t Just A Dana Carvey Movie.”

Adam Jones – 3-for-8 with his 8th homer.  I’ve been meaning to give Jones a lede in a roundup, but all these stupid closers have monopolized things.   Jones is a guy that can go 30+ homers with 15+ steals.  He’s real and he’s beautiful.

Nolan Reimold – Placed on the DL after two weeks of “Will he?” or “Won’t he?” speculation about his health.  Judge Reimold not by the color of his skin, but by his inability to recognize pain.

Mark Reynolds – The Mini Donkey show is hot, as he hit homers Friday and Saturday.  If someone dropped him, grab him.

J.J. Hardy – 5-for-8, with two solo homers.  Orioles fans are now saying Cal Ripken who?  Though they probably mean, “Are you talking about junior or senior?”

Chris Davis - 0-for-8 with 5 Ks and 2 IP, 0 ER, 2 Ks as he finished out the extra inning game.  Before Davis even entered the locker room, 15 clubs inquired about him to be their closer.

Will Middlebrooks – 2-for-7, 4 RBIs as he hit his first homer, which was a grand salami.  (Oh, and welcome, Google Searcher of “Donkey show is hot” + “grand salami.”  We won’t judge you here.)

Chris Sale – I told you the White Sox manager’s hat is like the Mask, where whomever wears it makes the craziest decisions.  Ventura appointed Sale the closer because he has a tender elbow and they want to cut back his innings.  The pitching coach had a classic line regarding the move, “Listen, we’re not making this decision based upon what’s best for the team.” Same could be said about how they put together their entire offense.

Mat Latos – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks.  Don’t even really care that it was against the Pirates.  I mean, sure, I would’ve told everyone and their mother’s child to drop him if he pitched poorly here, but he didn’t.  This is why you held him through all the mishegoss. I will now look forward to owning him as he drops his ERA from 4.93 to the mid-3′s.

Drew Stubbs – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs with his 2nd homer in the last three days and a slam & legs yesterday.  He’s on a 15+ homer, 25+ steal pace with a .262 average.  He credits his newfound success with some advice from Dusty that he didn’t pay attention to.

David Robertson – Brace Face says the closer job is still kinda up in the air, but I think Robertson is gonna be the closer and a $12 Salad by June.  I didn’t put him in Friday’s Buy, because I didn’t realize he wasn’t owned in every league.  He should’ve been already.  Doode’s filthy, filthy as in good, not filthy as in bad, and that’s not bad as in good but bad as in bad.

Robinson Cano – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer.  Hey, those smelling salts I used on my Cano voodoo doll worked!

Albert Pujols – Maicer Izutris pinch hit for him and homered… No, wait, that was actually Pujols that homered!

Scott Downs – “Hey, God here, just wanted to give you a heads up that I have a fantasy team this year and I punted saves, so, ya know, gotta do what you gotta do.”  Downs hurt his knee yesterday.  Why?  Because closers can’t have anything nice this year.  It’s actually gotten to the point where a closer will get replaced and I won’t even look for him in all of my leagues because I just assume he too will be replaced in a few days.  LaTroy Hawkins got the save yesterday, but I’d be surprised if Walden didn’t just get the next one because, well, he never really did anything wrong to begin with to lose the job.  Then again, Walden could’ve got the save yesterday and didn’t.  “Hey, Bourjos, you want the top bunk?”  That’s Walden looking at his new digs in the Scioscia Dog House.  Hawkins definitely won’t be getting the next save, because the price he paid for getting yesterday’s was a broken pinkie.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Supposedly, the Indians found a flaw in his delivery prior to this game.  Though, I’m not sure if they fixed it because he still threw five walks in seven innings.  Maybe his flaw was that he was throwing meaty strikes and now he’s throwing meatballs.

Shin-Soo Choo – 1-for-3 with a steal and he hit a homer the other day.  I might just be trying to stay positive with this schmohawk because Rudy drafted him on a bunch of our teams, but it feels like Choo is finally coming out of his slump.  Knowing our (and his) luck, he’ll probably get injured this week.

Allen Craig – 2-for-4 with a homer and 3 RBIs.  He has 20 homer power and some speed.  I’d check raise that to the bettor and go Allen.

Adam Wainwright – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Before we start reaching around on each other, let’s wash our hands and remember Wainwright was facing the Asstros.

Chris Johnson – Hit two homers on Wednesday and he hit another one on Saturday.  You, “Do you smell something burning?”  Me, “Oh, yeah, that’s a Chris Johnson’s hot schmotato.  It’s okay to put tin foil in the microwave, right?”

Derrek Lee – Sounds like he’s gonna join former teammate Aramis on the Brewers.  Now all the Brewers need to do is cover the 7th inning Racing Bratwurst in yellow mustard, onions, bright green sweet pickle relish, a dill pickle spear, tomato slices and a dash of celery salt.

Drew Smyly – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 Ks on Friday as Smyly continues to be the happiest man in baseball.  He gets the Mariners in Seattle next time out.  Run.  Don’t walk to the waiver wire and grab Drew Smyly Face Winking Emoticon With Weird Squiggle Coming Out Of His Mouth.

Matt Moore – 4 2/3 IP, 8 ER.  Against the A’s?  The A’s actually signed Brandon Inge as an upgrade and are now batting him 6th.  Early last week, the A’s asked their opponent if they minded if the A’s just put a cardboard cutout of Hulk Hogan at-bat for their 2nd baseman since Weeks was sick.  Against the A’s?  On the bright side, if you don’t own him (there’s no bright side if you do own him), this is a good opportunity to buy low.

Desmond Jennings – Left yesterday’s game with a sore knee.  Rays are saying it’s not a big deal, but it always concerns me when a player, whose name I’ve tattooed right above my butt crack, feels sore enough they have to leave in the middle of a game.

Freddie Freeman – 2-for-3 with his 6th homer.  Like I tell my girlfriends, you have to ignore a small sample size.  And for the most part, I do that.  Freeman’s power so far is surprising to me, but I don’t think it’s a small sample size thing.  If I were the type to change preseason projections, which I’m not, I’d give Freeman 27-ish homers.

Dayan Viciedo - Was hit on the elbow.  The bad news, he left immediately in what seemed to be a lot of pain.  The good news, he made contact with the baseball.

Brian Dozier – On his radio show, Gardenhire said Dozier would be the starting shortstop.  This is very surprising.  Gardenhire has a radio show?  Does he do call-in’s for who should bat cleanup?  Does he give away a thousand bucks for each time a Twins batter gets a hit, which turned into a terrible promotion?  Is Brad Radke his Baba Booey?  As for Dozier, not that surprising.  Twins need offense something fierce.  Dozier has been hitting in the minors (.276, 1 homer and 2 steals; yes, compared to the other Twins hitters that’s good).  I wouldn’t go near Dozier outside of AL-Only leagues.

Justin Morneau – To the 15-day DL.  If I was Morneau’s agent, I’d make sure there was a clause in his contract saying he gets a bonus every time he hits the DL.

Ryan Doumit – Hit 2 homers yesterday.  I have a confession.  In the RCL, I didn’t “Set it and Forget it.”  I drafted Soto and dropped him.  Then, of course, he hit a homer a few days later while I had A.J. Ellis (don’t ask) and now I have Salty, who I will probably drop too.  I’m a bad ‘pert, son.

Juan Nicasio – 5 IP, 6 ER.  As one of my stunod cousins would say, pitching like that you ain’t gonna Juan nothing!  In most mixed leagues, I’d lose Nicasio like the 80′s calculator watch he sounds like.

Jarrod Dyson – 2-for-5 with his 3rd steal.  Don’t be stealing Campana’s trademark, “All I do is steal, and you like me because of it.”

Mike Carp – Hit a homer yesterday.  And he’s… Ugh, so hard to get excited about M’s hitters.  He’s got some… Yeah, I’m gonna stop trying.

Chone Figgins – On Friday, I said the M’s should move on from Figgy.  Looks like the Mariners read Razzball because on Friday they said, “Figgy, please… You are no longer an everyday starter.”  Tough break for Figgy; he’s now only gonna earn nine million dollars this year and eight million next year.  If I were him, I’d bring a suitcase of money to every game and count that shizz on the bench.  “Looks like a beautiful day at the ballpark.  There’s a slight wind coming in from the right field– Wait, what’s that Figgy is chasing out into the outfield?  Oh, it’s thousand dollar bills.”

Travis D’Arnaud | C, Blue Jays – The Blue Jays’ top prospect has effectively turned things around after an extremely slow start.  He’s riding a 13-game hitting streak at Triple-A, which has brought his AVG up to .279.  A late season arrival still seems in order for D’Arnaud.

Oscar Taveras| OF, Cardinals – I covered Taveras a couple weeks ago in my first Scouting the Unknown of the season.  The 19-year-old has done nothing but mash since then, and he’s now hitting .324/.365/.648 with 7 HR through his first 27 games at Double-A Springfield.

Nick Castellanos| 3B, Tigers – Castellanos leads the minors in AVG at .423 through his first 116 PA.  The future Detroit 3B is having no trouble with High-A pitching and it’ll be interesting to see if the Tigers choose to promote the teenager to Double-A if his impressive start continues.

Alex Castellanos | OF, Dodgers – It’s important to note that a dude by the name Castellanos currently leads every major hitting ratio category in MiLB.  While Nick has AVG covered, Alex leads in OBP and SLG, with a Triple-A line that looks like .366/.477/.746.  LA acquired Castellanos from St. Louis as a PTBNL in the Rafael Furcal swap and they must be pleased so far.

Miguel Sano | 3B, Twins – The Twins top prospect is adjusting nicely to full-season baseball.  Through his first 28 games with Low-A Beloit, Sano has hit .310/.439/.660 along with 8 homers.

Andrew Chafin | LHP, D’Backs – While Trevor Bauer and Tyler Skaggs capture most of the D’Backs prospect chatter, both have been outperformed by Chafin.  He’s perhaps a bit behind developmentally, but Chafin has looked sharp at High-A, posting a 3.03 ERA while whiffing 46 through 32.2 IP.

Dellin Betances | RHP, Yankees – You’ll remember that the Yankees used Betances late last season and had many wondering in the off-season if they’d pitch him at the major league level again in 2012.  Well, they haven’t yet, and barring a major turnaround, it doesn’t look as if they will.  Betances has posted a 6.35 ERA along with a 1.94 WHIP and an ugly .78 K/BB through his first six starts at Triple-A.

Tim Beckham | SS, Rays - The former No. 1 overall pick put up his best numbers as a pro in 2011, and had many wondering if he’d finally tapped into his vast potential.  Seems like a futile pondering now, as Beckham has been suspended by Minor League Baseball for 50 games – the result of a second violation of the MiLB drug policy.  Details of the violation aren’t exactly clear, but it looks as if the drugs in Beckham’s case are of the recreational variety.

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02/26/2012 – People are paying Bunny Ranch prices for Stephen Strasburg in my mock drafts; I’m not. Sure, I wouldn’t mind the experience, but I think I can get something similar for the cost of a few drinks instead of a week’s paycheck.

04/17/2012 – St. Rasburg, the patron saint of ticket scalpers (which is just a step above being the patron saint of beggars), has kinda’ been living up to the hype. 3 ER, 19 K, and 2 W from 19 IP over 3 starts. Yeah, it was against the Cubs, Mets, and Astros, which is a pretty weak sample, but there’s no need to be a doubting Thomas.

04/29/2012 – I was just looking at Strasburg’s WHIP, but then I was about to sneeze and I think I inhaled the tiny thing. His ERA must’ve blown off my desk when I sneezed, too. Wait, is that it? No, that’s his FIP… they look very similar. I’m using his K/9 to hold my car up while I change the oil, so I don’t really have access to any of his stats right now, but I’m pretty sure he’s pitching alright.

05/03/2012 – Okay, I’m looking over the Razzball Player Rater right now and it’s telling me that St. Rasburg is better than… hmm… Halladay, Kershaw, F-Her… pretty much everyone I would have drafted ahead of him… except Verlander – There Can Be Only One. Random thought – I’d like to see a Razzball Player Hater, where commenters get one vote per week on which player they most wish they didn’t draft.

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02/25/2012 – I only have enough auction money for one new import, and I believe Cespedeseses’ hype more than Yu Darvish’s. Luckily I don’t care for the possessive form of either’s surname, which will help me rationalize stealing possessions from their respective trash bins. I’m probably biased because of something silly… like the failures of so many Japanese aces compared to the relative success of imported sluggers.

04/09/2012 – Darvish looked absolutely filthy today, but I’m sure it’s nothing a shower and hair cut can’t fix. His pitching, on the other hand, was awful (maybe he shouldn’t be pitching with his other hand). 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 12 base runners (4 BB) and only 5 Ks. “Yu ruined my ratios!” That’s you talking to Yu through yur computer. It’s not me… ‘cause I didn’t draft him, suckers!

04/24/2012 – Good thing I’m a brilliant writer, because it seems like I’ll be dining on my words for some time. I’m watching Darvish make the Yankees look stupid as I write this. Damn, did he just pull 97 MPH out for the first time today… in the 7th inning? That’s one hell of a sneak attack. Hmm… can’t think of any jokes that tie “Japanese” and “sneak attack” together right now.

04/31/2012 Oy vey, Yu. Doode just keeps lowering his ERA (from 7.94 to 2.18) and raising his K-rate (now an even 9.00). Hulky Crystal says, “YU LOOK MARVELOUS!”

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02/02/2012 – Grey likes Tim Lincecum this year… a lot. Ranked him as the #5 SP overall, which I find surprising. I mean, Grey even talks about all of Timmy’s downside (“falling K-rate,” “burgeoning walk rate,” “highest xFIP since his rookie year”) in the blurb, so he must be A.) hedging his bets B.) slightly blinded by the brand C.) “C” is usually a placeholder to catch people guessing D.) not all that impressed with the rest of the Top 20.

04/12/2012 – Lincecum with 11 ER in 7 2/3 IP. That’s not good, right? Does it help that this was over two starts, not in one? He had 10 Ks… that’s something. C’mon, a good buddy paid $37 at auction for Timmy; I’m scrambling for anything positive to scream up to the ledge.

04/17/2012 – Wow… another 5 earned in 6 innings for Lincecum. It’s good that the Ks are there (6 more). It’s good that he lowered his ERA… no, wait, it’s not good when an outing like this lowers your ERA. Maybe the Giants should start paying him with dollar bills placed in front of him on the mound. Just a thought.

04/24/2012 – Only 1 ER over 5 IP. Look at Tiny Tim threatening to bust out a quality start! Yeah, let’s just ignore those 5 free passes and focus on the 8 Ks. Serenity now!

04/29/2012 – Looks like Timmy will finish April with a… passable 5.74 ERA. It’s really only “passable” if you’re comparing it to the 12.91 he was rockin’ a few weeks back. The 2.52 differential between his FIP and ERA probably makes it a bit more palatable. The fact that he hasn’t given up a dinger since his first start is nice. Also, I hear there’s been some incredible advancements in the toupee industry of late. Things are looking up!

ONE START OPTIONS:

5/9

Anthony Bass @ Col – Moscoso

Ross Detwiler @ Pit – Bedard

Drew Smyly @ Sea – Vargas

5/10

Henderson Alvarez @ Min – Marquis

Derek Lowe @ Bos – Beckett

5/11

Kyle Drabek @ Min – Blackburn

James McDonald vs Hou – Norris

5/12

R.A. Dickey @ Mia – Nolasco

TWO START OPTIONS:

J.A. Happ (Mia vs Zambrano, @Pit vs Morton) After watching him pitch against the Mets, I said to myself, “Self, we should keep an eye on him for future starts.”  For a deeper league with fringe options, the stale fish and the sinking pirate ship seem tantalizing to me.

Bronson Arroyo (@Mil vs Marcum, Was vs Jackson) Because of rain you get him twice this week, ain’t that special?  Likes to use the method of one good/one bad start.   His last one was bad, so there is your heads up.

Josh Tomlin (CHW vs Humber, @Bos vs Doubront) ERA says 5, but the other numbers say something different.  And if numbers talk we have a bigger problem.  Like what else talks to you?  Lunch meat?

Duane Below (@Sea vs Millwood, @Oak vs Parker) I don’t wanna jinx him, but he is unscored upon this year. I bet someone a shiny new quarter that no longer exists by the fourth inning Monday.  Still all things considered, it is Seattle and that is Millwood, so it could be an easy W.

Joe Saunders (STL vs Lynn, SF vs Zito) I don’t know how he is doing it either, so don’t ask.  Luck is the best thing I can think of, LOB rate of 84% and a FIP in the high 2′s makes him look more realistic and not like the boogieman sleeping in my closet.

Marco Estrada (Cin vs Arroyo, CHC vs Volstad) I see his name and the CHiPs theme song jumps in my head. Now that we are on the same page enjoy the classic fade out to that song. Without the Ks, I’d wanna watch TJ Hooker instead.

A.J. Burnett ( Was vs Jackson, Hou vs Happ) A dozen of anything sounds delicious.  Oh… they were earned runs. Yikes.  Anything worth doing, A.J does it.

Barry Zito (@LAD vs Lilly, @Ari vs Saunders) His matchup looks like a retread meeting of guys over 30 who no longer throw hard. 7 walks last start as he was in a hurry to get to the Perfect Strangers reunion show. Big Cousin Larry fan.

Jarrod Parker (Tor vs Romero, Det vs Below) Good job, youngin’,, now go do it again and make yourself completely fantasy useful. While you’re at it, give me your sandwich….I said give me your sandwich!

Jonathan Sanchez (Bos vs Doubront, @CHW vs Danks) Filthy, dirty.  I don’t know what his nickname is anymore, but it should start with “in” and end with “consistent.”  Throws away too many pitches to go deep in a game and, for that reason, he is just poo.

BUY

Steve Cishek – Ozzie wrapped a towel around his neck, had Joey Cora spray him with some water so it looked like he just stepped out of a sauna and said Heath Bell’s still his closer.  Two things I don’t agree with there.  First, Heath Bell’s terrible no matter how many times Ozzie says he’s the closer.  Second, if you spray olive oil instead of water, it holds the look of perspiration much better.

Edward Mujica – Member what I said about Heath Bell about twelve words ago?  Yup.

Brian Fuentes – I’d pick up Fuentes in some leagues.  I’d pick up Ryan Cook in some leagues.  I’d even pick up that Eddie Murphy movie guy, Norberto, in some leagues.  But this is far from a clear path to SAGNOF success.

Scott Downs – The Sciosciapath needs Adderall after replacing his closer for one blown save.  I think Walden gets the job back (or back, back, back if Chris Berman is reading), but Downs should definitely be owned.

David Robertson – I went over him this morning.  Try hitting down on your scrolly finger.

Matt Thornton – It’s been a long winding road for Hector Santiago this first month of the season.  At times he looked hittable and at other times he made Matt Thornton actually look good.

Jason Vargas – Marginer!

Chris Capuano – He’s no spring chicken.  His time for greatness has past (unless he goes to Japan, reinvents himself and returns a new pitcher named, Chris Dragono), but he could be that ever-elusive pitcher at the back end of your staff that stabilizes things.  Think Kuroda when he was in LA.

Drew Smyly – People are sure taking a long time to add The Emoticon.  I don’t trust people who el oh el after everything on Facebook that isn’t remotely funny — “Oh my God, my baby just wet itself while I was talking to the bank teller el oh el el oh el el oh el!”  Unless your baby is 37 years old, that’s not funny — But an emoticon?  It’s so innocuous.  And it has Ks.

Mike Trout – Unlike Bryce Harper, I don’t think Trout is deep-water fish.  He could give you 10+ homers and 25 steals right now.  On a side note, for my birthday, I want a picture of Trout, Tim Salmon, Kevin Bass and me in snorkel gear.  Someone make that happen.  Thank you.

Jed Lowrie – WHO! (While Healthy Own)

Alcides Escobar – WHO!  (Now the H is hitting, instead of healthy.)

Josh Reddick – WHO!  (Who let the dogs out?)

Ty Wigginton – I picked up Wigginton to replace Zimmerman and he’s been better than him.  And that’s not saying anything.  That’s like the opposite of saying something.  It’s like the guy who blinked that novel not even blinking.

Allen Craig – Know why he’s here?  Because of this:  Random Razzball Commenter, “Wow, surprised not to see Allen Craig on this list.”

Will Middlebrooks – I just went over my Will Middlebrooks fantasy.  If you click on that link, you’ll burn 7 calories.  You’re welcome, Michelle Obama!

Tony Campana – He steals like the wind… Did you hear that last line in my voice?  I’m in your head now.  Hey, what’s this thing do?  Oops, I think I just spilled chocolate sauce on your medulla oblongata.  I’ll leave your head now.  Sorry.

Chris Johnson – On one hand, I like Chris Johnson.  On the other hand, I don’t like Astro hitters.  On the third lesser known hand that is actually a mitten on a broomstick, Johnson’s hitting over .300 with some slight speed and power.

Pedro Alvarez – If you went up to a girl at the bar and asked her if you should pick up Chris Davis or Pedro Alvarez, she’d smell the desperation on you.  Here, at Razzball, we welcome desperation and Pedro Alvarez.

SELL

Bryce Harper – But he uses the Shroud of Turin to apply eye black!  And he once ordered pizza to Syracuse from Rome, Italy on a borrowed cell phone!  And he has a butterfly named after him!  The Bryce Harpertail is rare and only found on the island of Guam, but it’s named after him!  Guys (and 4 girls), he’s not going to be the greatest thing since a Hello Kitty toaster this year.  He was struggling in the minors.  Maybe he was disinterested, as most 19 year old’s get, but he’s still only a 10-15 homer, 10-15 steal guy right now.  His value because of hype is way above that.  I wouldn’t sell him for a Groupon to the Ren-Faire, but I’d explore options.  (Don’t sell in keepers.  I’m talking about redraft leagues here.)

Danny Espinosa – It’s with much rueful rumination and fervor that I gather words that I don’t use when I’m speaking or really know what they mean, when I tell you Espinosa is a wanksta that needs some serious minor league seasoning.

Adam Lind – You win some, and you draft Adam Lind and he’s not winsome.