Re-model 4 Life

Female Rapist Robs Cabbie (or Language Matters)

2017-04-11T12:00:00.000-05:00

Craig Shoup, writing for The Times-Messenger, on “Fremont woman charged in cab driver rape“:

A Fremont resident has been indicted on first-degree felony rape and aggravated robbery charges in Hancock County after police allege she raped a taxi driver during a robbery.

According to Findlay police, Brittany S. Carter, 23, entered a taxi around 4:24 a.m. on Jan. 28 with Cory L. Jackson, 20, of Lima, who held a knife at the male cab driver while Carter performed a sex act on him.

The part about this that shocks me is not the crime. It happens far more than people realize, despite statistical data models that intentionally skew female perpetration into a category other than rape. No, the shocking part is that she was actually charged with rape and the media are not downgrading the crime. Typically, it will be called “forced to have sex” or not discussed as an actual crime.

That is progress, sad progress, but progress the same.

Read the rest here: http://www.thenews-messenger.com/story/news/crime/2017/04/07/fremont-woman-charged-cab-driver-rape/100166168/

Breathe in the Light Trailer

2013-11-13T21:29:00.001-06:00

http://www.youtube.com/v/Zm9gp0SluYk?autohide=1&version=3&autohide=1&attribution_tag=7jb6c-wEJ1t0S4n8EuruQQ&showinfo=1&autoplay=1&feature=share

Victim-Blaming from the Male Survivor Perspective

2012-03-25T12:00:00.000-05:00

There is a lot of talk about victim-blaming, shaming and denial whenever the topic of rape, sexual assault or sexual abuse is discussed. No gender identification or age demographic is free from this mindset. Quite often, people don't even realize that they are engaging in such practices. Some MRAs do it. Some feminists do it. Some human rights activists do it. Some Christians do it. Some Jews do it. Some Muslims do it. Some athiests do it. Some agnostics do it. Some Republicans do it. Some Democrats do it. Some Libertarians do it.

Some people, in general, do it.

While there is understandably a good deal of discussion surrounding how victim-blaming affects female rape survivors, many people are quick to dismiss the same when it affects male rape survivors. In some cases, well-meaning people will go so far as to co-opt the traumas of one gender to highlight a point about another gender in a very dismissive or minimizing manner. Periodically, a blogger will post a commentary that runs something to the effect of "see, when it happens to teh menz, it is always taken seriously, but never when it happens to women." While I understand such pieces are meant to highlight the horrible nature of victim-blaming toward female rape survivors, the end result is that they have used a traumatic experience from one rape survivor to make the case that other rape survivors have it worse based solely on gender.

Rather than call out specific people who engage in such insensitive and hurtful practices, I will instead take some time to explore some key forms of victim-blaming that are often aimed at men. Please bear in mind that most of these have a parallel form that is directed at female rape survivors. I am not saying that only men deal with these forms of victim-blaming. Not at all. On the contrary, and unlike many who co-opt our experiences to make the false claim that only women suffer victim-blaming, I am saying such vile practices are ALSO directed at men, not SOLELY at men.

Victim-Blaming

Men Can't Be Raped: This one is used by the densest of the dense without regard to gender. I've seen men AND women spout this nugget of wisdom on more than one occasion. Even if we take the most conservative estimates at face value, in the U.S. alone, that leaves nearly 3 MILLION male rape survivors.

Erections = Consent aka can't rape a wet noodle: Anyone spouting this nonsense clearly failed biology. Erections can be forced quite easily and unexpectedly. Many men can attest to embarrassing incidents that involved the appearance of an unwanted erection. A simple touch can result in involuntary stimulation. While some men may have difficulty maintaining an erection after consuming several alcoholic drinks, this is hardly universal. Further, most healthy men experience erections while asleep and often upon waking up.

Contrary to the science and personal experiences of many male rape survivors, there are plenty of people who simply cannot grasp the concept of an involuntary erection. It is almost understandable that SO MANY women believe this nonsense to the degree that some will outright mock male survivors with this myth. They don't have penises and as a result, this must all seem so simple in their heads. Really, I understand that. However, there are also a large number of morons who have no clue how their own penises work and just LOVE to broadcast that ignorance when they come across stories about male rape survivors. (sigh)

Men are Strong aka He Should Have Fought Back: This one is actually quite common. While men are not asked what they were wearing, their physical strength and perceived ability to fight back are frequently used to invalidate. There is a ridiculous assumption that all men have the mad martial arts skills of Bruce Lee, tenacity of Charles Bronson in a Death Wish movie, and incredible calm of Clint Eastwood portraying Dirty Harry. Apparently, we are trained in hand to hand combat, weapons mastery, and How To Be Macho from birth. It is quite common for women AND men to freeze during a violent encounter. Quite often, the encounter is over without a single blow placed. Further, predators are skilled at finding ways to either nullify a person's strengths or use them against their victim. My own rapist was very skilled in this regard.

A man raped him? He must have wanted it: This form of victim blaming is one part homophobia and one part He Should Have Fought Back. Men can overpower other men and do so regularly in physical altercations or by simply communicating a threat. Weapons are also used, as are threats against loved ones, blackmail and drugs or alcohol. The idea that all men can fight off all other men at all times defies logic and credulity. It is incredibly difficult to take a person seriously if they really believe this specious nonsense.

Women don't commit sexual violence: While the stats most often quoted show extremely low numbers of female predation, the reality differs. Quite often the same act committed by a female as by a male is counted separately or not included in official tabulations at all depending on the statistical model. These models, with all of their obvious built-in bias, are then parroted around as if they are apples to apples comparisons of male and female predation. As such biases and outright distortions are often used to eliminate them from from data sets or intentionally isolate such data in lesser or hidden categories, we have no real idea of just how many female predators exist today. For those who believe this myth, perhaps it will be eye-opening to realize that you are reading an article written by a man who was drugged and raped by a woman. We exist and it is time for those truly interested in confronting sexual violence to stop promoting this ugly myth.

Why did you wait so long to report?: When I first told my story online, I was asked repeatedly why I waited so long to disclose and told breathlessly that it meant I was obviously lying. Those asking such questions, believed it to be some unassailable "gotcha". When pressed to justify how that invalidated a person's claims of victimization, they predictably could not defend the concept. Lack of logic and an inability to explain the relevance of their myth seems to matter none to those bent on victim-blaming and rape denial. Many survivors wait decades to confront their traumas as they were not ready at the time, had no support or lacked the ability to confront it. We all heal on our own timeframes. You can't put a deadline on healing and expect it to occur magically.

You must be in it for the money: This ugliness was used against survivors of clergy abuse as well as against some women who named high profile men as their attackers. Were it not for the hard work of SNAP and other organizations who have kept pushing against predators of the cloth, this type of victim-blaming would stilll be occurring regularly to male survivors.

A New Perspective

Whenever the topic of sexual violence arises, it seldom takes long for the victim blaming, second guessing and concern trolls to show their wildly transparent hands. What a person who has not been confronted with trauma feels they would do in response to sexual violence is hardly evidence of anything other than their own arrogant ignorance. It is time to reject the excuses, "I wouldas" and apologia. Along with that, we need to scrap this insidious new meme that male survivors of sexual violence do not get victim-blamed. For those of us who have been on the receiving end, the truth is something else entirely. This is not a case of "What About Teh Menz" or whatever other sexist expression comes to mind, but an appeal to people to behave in a humane manner and refrain from further promotion of rape myths regarding male survivors.

Stop it. Stop it now.

This entry also posted here: http://jameslandrith.com/content/view/3868/79/

Why Yes, Rape Can Be Gendered - Against Men (and by Women)

2012-01-25T12:00:00.000-06:00

NOTE: I am borrowing from the work of Jacob Taylor at Toy Soldiers for this article and I thank him for having done the hard work in digging out some key references.

There is quite a bit written about the "gendered nature of abuse" and much of it is often used to silence or minimize male survivors. When stats are reviewed that actually treat male and female survivors equally by asking the SAME questions and using the SAME terminology to classify the results, then the numbers change drastically. See (http://toysoldier.wordpress.com/2011/11/10/yes-women-do-rape-boys/) for links to the studies and more in depth discussion:

In 1994, David Finkelhor published a paper reporting that women commit 20 percent of the sexual abuse against boys.
In 1996, the National Center on Child Abuse and Neglect found that women committed 25 percent of sexual abuse against children.
Both the 2000 American Association of University Women study and the Cameron study showed that about 42 percent of students reported abuse by women.
The 2005 Long-Term Consequences of Childhood Sexual Abuse by Gender of Victim study found that women committed 38 percent of the abuse against boys.
According to a 2008 University of British Columbia study of homeless youths, nearly half the youths said at least one woman sexually exploited them, and 1 in 3 said that only women exploited them.
The 2008-09 Sexual Victimization in Juvenile Facilities Reported by Youth report found that of the staff members who sexually abused juveniles, women committing 95 percent of that abuse.
In 2009, ChildLine received 2,142 calls from children abused by women, and found that boys reported more abuse by women (1,722 cases) than by men (1,651 cases).

Then, we have recent CDC study which intentionally misclassified rape against men by women as "forced to penetrate others", in which case when men were victims, the perps were 79.2% women and when men had been coerced (threatened, blackmailed, etc.) into sex, women were the perps 83.6% of the time. When men do this to women, the CDC properly classifies it as rape. However, when women do it men, the CDC classifies it otherwise. Yet some people use such clearly biased and skewed stat models to beat male survivors into submission with diatribes about how rape is gendered solely as man against woman. When men are raped, they are just victims of Teh Patriarchy.

From page 24 of the CDC report, where apparently men cannot be raped by women:

For male victims, the sex of the perpetrator varied by the type of sexual violence experienced. The majority of male rape victims (93.3%) reported only male perpetrators. For three of the other forms of sexual violence, a majority of male victims reported only female perpetrators: being made to penetrate (79.2%), sexual coercion (83.6%), and unwanted sexual contact (53.1%). For non-contact unwanted sexual experiences, approximately half of male victims (49.0%) reported only male perpetrators and more than one-third (37.7%) reported only female perpetrators (data not shown).

See http://toysoldier.wordpress.com/2011/12/15/one-of-these-things-is-not-like-the-other/ for more information and discussion.

So, it does appear that for men, rape is gendered and that in some classifications of rape (even though the CDC intentionally misclassifies such to skew the numbers), women are the primary perpetrators.

It is far past time to stop promoting and defending statistical models that intentionally erase MILLIONS of survivors simply because they have the wrong genitalia to fit certain preconceived political arguments. Maybe before shouting "What About Teh Menz" in a mocking fit, you might want to check yourself and make sure you aren't part of the problem by promoting intentionally skewed stats that misrepresent the facts and hurt other survivors. It is one thing for a person to "speak the truth about their own experience", but quite another to misuse stats or create hierarchies of survivorhood based on gender.

If we are going to have adult conversations on rape and gender, then let's use real facts that treat survivors equally, rather than tortured stats that treat the same acts differently based solely on the gender of the victim and perpetrator.

That would be far more compassionate and mature than continuing to mock us in ignorance.

This entry also posted at: http://jameslandrith.com/content/view/3850/79/

I’ve Got the T-Shirt and the Trauma Response to Go With It

2012-01-15T12:00:00.000-06:00

Originally published at The Good Men Project

As a vocal male survivor, when I’m not talking about sexual violence in writing or before audiences, I’m reading about it in many contexts and sources. A great deal of what I see on a daily basis is directed at men with the assumption that we know nothing about sexual violence or have no experiences that parallel those of female survivors.

Those making such arguments are often NOT sexual violence survivors themselves. Encountering such memes can be quite painful when you are a rape survivor yourself. The problem is not that female survivors receive the majority of the attention when sexual violence is discussed. The problem is that when sexual violence is discussed with regard to male survivors, there is often resistance, condescension, and outright mockery by people who quite often have not experienced such violence themselves. For those who have lived through abuse at the hands of women, that can be doubly wounding.

I’ve lived through sexual violence. I have my own story and my own experiences. I have my own triggers and my own issues. I don’t need to be educated. I don’t need to be taught what to do or not do. I don’t need any proven statistical bias to legitimize my life or my experiences. I lived it.

♦◊♦

Background

Approximately twenty years ago I met a friend at a club in Jacksonville, North Carolina. He came with a female friend. During the night, he disappeared leaving his friend by herself and without a ride. As she was pregnant and without a ride, I agreed to take her home when I left. She had not been out in a while and wanted to stay until the club closed that night. While she was not drinking, she bought me a few thank you drinks for agreeing to drive her home.

After a few drinks, I became very tired and disoriented. I never drank until I got drunk, especially when driving and off base. I didn’t like the feeling and it wasn’t secure off base. I just figured I was tired and had too much without realizing it. There was a motel next to the club. She suggested we get a room and sleep it off, then I could drive her home in the morning. I agreed as I was rapidly losing the ability to think or see straight. She got us a room with double beds and we split the cost.

I vaguely remember laying down with my clothes still on. I probably took off my shirt per the norm, but I left my pants on. I did not feel comfortable taking my pants off around this strange woman. She warned me that she did not want to have sex and I remember saying that I was seeing someone and was not at all interested in that either. I laid down on my side of the room and was out almost immediately.

At some point in the night, I awoke to find her on top of me. I said something I cannot remember and she coaxed me back to sleep. I doubt very much that she could even understand what I was saying, given how disoriented I felt at that time.

The next morning, after the sun had risen, I woke again feeling confused and unsure of where I was or what had transpired since getting off work on Friday afternoon. My pants were nowhere to be seen, my underwear also missing and my penis was erect. I realized that she was on top of me, grinding and moaning. I didn’t know what to think. I wasn’t fucking her. I didn’t want to fuck her. Who was she again? I moved as my legs were stiff and sore from being in the same position for hours with her on top of me.

She darted her eyes at me and told me not to move. I was ordered “don’t be forceful.” She then asked if I was trying to rape her when I could not remain perfectly still and again told me not to move. In addition, I was told that I could hurt the baby if I tried to stop it. After she finally finished, I was still expected to drive her home.

In short, I was drugged, raped, threatened and had a baby used against me as a human shield. To say that experience left me messed up would be an understatement.

Put yourself in my shoes for a minute. I was under 21, drinking illegally in a club, while on active duty with a local, pregnant civilian. Why didn’t I report it? Read this paragraph again and think about it harder if it eludes your grasp.

♦◊♦

The Reaction

How did I react? I buried it deep and pretended it didn’t happen, which is a common reaction for male survivors. That did not mean that it had no effect on me. I simply pretended it didn’t happen. I called it a bad night and said she was a little twisted.

As one therapist would later tell me, denial of trauma does not mean it isn’t affecting you. I believe she said that if unacknowledged, the effects would “come out sideways” and in a manner that may not be easily identifiable. For me, that was a sudden and ridiculous promiscuity that did not exist before the rape. I began to act out sexually by sleeping with any woman who offered. I turned down no one, to include several much older, married women. I did not seek out sex, I simply said yes every time.

To say that I was reckless then would be accurate. I was risking exposure to disease and potential violence from angry husbands and boyfriends. I did this for about three years before getting married and further stuffing the memories down further. Further, I lost nearly all trust in women – especially aggressive and loud women.

Nearly twenty years later, I decided to confront it. The time had come to do something about it. I sought out assistance and began to see a therapist. I spent a lot of time on me, thinking, analyzing and progressing. It was painful, but necessary work. I’m not done with it. I don’t know that I’ll ever be truly done.

While in therapy, it was as if the bandage had been ripped off suddenly and the wounds were newly raw. I had panic attacks, crying fits, sudden anger and loss of time. I felt exposed all the time, everywhere.

I had trouble being alone with a woman in a confined space like an office or elevator. Some days, I didn’t even want to stand next to a woman in line for a cup of coffee. Remember the controversy in the feminist blogosphere over strange men talking to women in an elevator? Reverse the sexes and I lived it. For me, the issue wasn’t hypothetical or used to demonstrate which gender has it worse with regard to potential sexual violence. It was based on an actual trauma response. The back and forth over why men should expect to be viewed as rapists by women in elevators took on a whole new level of offensive when viewed through the lens of my own experience.

I felt guilty all the time. I still feel guilty quite often. I feel guilty because I don’t trust women I don’t know. I feel guilty because I sometimes view women, particularly loud and aggressive white women, as potential threats to my well-being and mental health. I feel guilty because for a long time, I couldn’t look at a pregnant woman without seeing that sick woman from so many years ago.

I still struggle with some of these issues today, but not as often and not always in such intensity as before. Presently, I have returned to my prior human resources career. This field is dominated by women and has proved a big test for me.

The biggest test is sometimes just getting through the day without losing it. Some days I pass without issue, on other days I just have to give myself a hall pass so I can get on with my life.

James Landrith is a rape survivor, public speaker, internationally syndicated blogger, civil liberties activist and the notorious editor and publisher of The Multiracial Activist (ISSN: 1552-3446) and The Abolitionist Examiner (ISSN: 1552-2881). Landrith can be reached by email at: james@jameslandrith.com or at his personal website/blog.

This entry also posted at: http://jameslandrith.com/content/view/3854/79/

On Ownership, Sexual Violence and Standard Operating Procedures

2012-01-12T12:00:00.000-06:00

Carly Fleming of Culture Shock on "How Men Can Talk About Women's Issues":

Although there may only be one Feminist Ryan Gosling, there are other men out there offering their support for women’s issues. Any movement fighting against oppression needs to accept allies to maximize the potential to succeed; however, there is often a disconnect in dialogue that prohibits such collaboration from happening.

Last Friday at BU’s weekly Coffee and Conversation, there was a discussion on rape culture stemming from the recent events surrounding the men’s hockey team. We had real talk about slut shaming, survivors, and educating ourselves. The conversation ended with the men feeling as if they were not being given a right to contribute. In my opinion, possession of a penis is not a crime deemed punishable by exclusion. Still, men need to understand a few points before engaging in these conversations.

This is an interesting thread and article. I want to thank Carly for taking the time to write it. Please take the time to read her article and all of the comments. While my comments below were inspired by Carly's article, I am not solely focusing on her thoughts. I am making broader observations that exist independent of her comments. Please bear that in mind.

I can understand the need to have closed conversations that center on a particular gender and I support such conversations when done in a manner that is not used to create a hierarchy of survivorhood or promote minimization of other survivors. In short, the way these conversations are identified must be taken into consideration to avoid confusion, generalizations or over-reaching ownership of traumatic experiences based on narrowly defined criteria that are not openly stated.

For instance, a conversation that claims to be about rape culture or sexual violence, but is really ONLY about how the same affect women is misleading. If it is only to be about how those topics affect women, then that needs to be spelled out. If a conversation is identified as meant to discuss rape, then people will rightfully expect it to be about rape in general without exclusions. If it is only about how women are affected by rape than that caveat must be clear and spelled out in plain language. To do otherwise, a discussion/organization runs the risk of appearing to be engaging in minimization or erasure of survivors who don't fit that narrowly defined criteria.

I am a male rape survivor of a female rapist who drugged a drink and then raped me repeatedly over several hours while unconscious and continued same after the drugs wore off. I don't claim to understand how female rape survivors feel and I sure do not expect that they will understand how I feel.

By way of comparison, I've gotten to know many female survivors of female rapists and heard their stories and struggles with recognition and acceptance. They have experiences that female survivors of male rapists simply cannot understand fully from their own perspective. The view is just that different. Further, each survivor, regardless of gender identification of the perp or victim reacts uniquely in the short and long term. There is no such thing as a survivor monolith and I'm tired of seeing that concept promoted and defended in so many places.

Given that the overwhelming vast majority of women have NOT been raped, it is a bit frustrating as an ACTUAL RAPE SURVIVOR who just happens to have a penis to be told repeatedly that rape is a women's issue, quite often by women who have NOT been raped. Viewed through that lens, I find myself often shaking my head in frustration. My experience as a survivor has made the issue mine as well. I don't need the permission of a woman who has NOT been raped for me to make sexual violence an issue I take seriously and work to affect in a positive manner. Truly, I don't.

For nearly 20 years, I have lived and breathed the consequences of her decision to inflict her will on me. I've surprised many women who feel comfortable speaking authoritatively on sexual violence sans personal experience with my knowledge of PTSD response and first hand accounts of victim-blaming and healing strategies. I take issue with people male OR female who arrogantly profess to speak for survivors but do not really understand our core issues and challenges, except from an academic or political perspective. In the larger narrative on sexual violence there are giant truckloads of arrogant ignorance that need to be replaced with empathy, learning and listening - regardless of gender identification.

I fully support narrowly defined discussions and exploration of themes on whatever criteria (to include gender) is useful to those controlling the conversation at the time, but my patience is wearing thin for the broad-based hijacking of issues and promotion of generalizations on the basis of the gender when there are millions of male survivors dealing with PTSD and Rape Trauma Syndrome across the globe. We are not only allies to female survivors, but the actual affected parties in our own right. I do not need permission to speak on this issue. I, unlike many people who would see me silenced based solely on my gender, have lived it. I will not sit in the corner in shame like a petulant child awaiting mommy's permission to speak again.

I can speak for days to my own experiences with rape culture, rape jokes, victim-blaming, denial, threats, cyber harassment and outright mockery. A person who has not experienced such from the perspective of a rape survivor (regardless of gender identification) is ill-equipped to fully relate and should NOT be engaging in any form of silencing or promotion of survivor hierarchies for any reason.

Quite simply, it is not their right.

This entry also posted here: http://jameslandrith.com/content/view/3853/79/

Yes, Men Can Stop Rape (But Why Stop There?)

2012-01-06T12:00:00.000-06:00

Emily L. Hauser, writing on the "Men Can Stop Rape" campaign:

I think they are part of an important larger trend, one that can be seen in a broad array of efforts to get men involved in fighting the scourge of sexual violence, and can be heard in the voices of individual men who are standing up and speaking out. And I think that good, powerful images are one of the most powerful weapons we have in any advocacy campaign. I wish these posters were being put up all over the country.
Women can fight rape — but only men can actually stop rape. Efforts like this give me hope.

Unlike many similar efforts, this is an important and maturely executed campaign that treats men like adults and projects a positive and non-accusatory message. I’ve seen these posters for a while now and liked the message. That said, I do have a quibble with the concept that "only men can actually stop rape". Contrary to to the author's claim, women can also stop rape as some of them ARE rapists too. Violence (sexual or otherwise) isn't a men's only club.

Not only do some women molest, rape and sexually abuse male and female children and adults, they are often complicit in male predation as well. Get a group of female survivors of male predators together and you will find a large number of women who were completely failed by mothers, aunts, grandmothers, neighbors and teachers who knew what was happening or worse - helped facilitate and cover up the abuse. In addition, women also set up other women for rape as revenge, jealousy, or out of hatred.

This problem is so much larger than just pointing at men and saying "stop it."

For those who don't know and because it helps color my own view of the situation, I was raped by a woman who drugged me. I’m sorry, but she also needs to be include in the masses who can stop rape. I'd suggest that any person who used a fetus as a human shield to keep a person compliant for the purposes of committing rape (after the drugs that she had previously administered via an alcoholic beverage wore off) was definitely someone who can and should contribute to ending rape. She, and abusive women like her, are certainly part of the problem. Her possession of female genitalia doesn't change a damned thing about her actions or accountability.

Since getting involved in sexual violence advocacy work as a speaker and trainer (and survivor), I’ve heard from many male and female survivors of female predators. Women who commit sexual violence fly gracefully under the radar partially based on gender norms that view women as incapable of being monsters and men as less masculine if they admit they can be vulnerable. While empowering campaigns like this one do us no harm, claims that "only men can actually stop rape" serve to further erase and minimize our own personal experiences which don’t fit neatly into the predominant narrative on sexual violence.

Yes, I understand the stats and I can also pick many of the methodologies apart without trying – including the recent CDC study which claims that a woman forcing a male (adult or child) to penetrate her is not rape. How exactly can anyone justify using alternative language to downgrade such an action based solely on the genders of the perpetrator and victim?

I do understand Emily's point, but my own experience differs with that perspective. As much as I’d love to pretend that female rapists don’t exist or matter, I have to deal with the consequences of my own rapist's actions every day – and the general mockery and denial of men and women alike who dismiss, minimize and willfully confuse the issue with regard to female predation.

While I do support the campaign's message and the tactful and mature manner in which it has presented the images, I hope people can understand how the view is different from this angle.

This entry also posted at: http://jameslandrith.com/content/view/3847/79/

Can We Focus on Consent, Rather Than Scapegoating Teh Boyz?

2011-12-28T12:00:00.001-06:00

Betsy Shaw, writing for Momformation on Teaching boys how to stop rape:

The New York Daily News reports that programs aimed at reducing violence against women are being implemented in at least three New York City area schools.
But New York isn’t the only state to do get in on this.
Men Can Stop Rape, a Washington-based nonprofit organization devoted to preventing male violence, has created a youth outreach program in inner-city schools called The Men of Strength Club (MOST).
This after-school program, designed to educate middle school boys about violence against women, is being taught in over one hundred school in ten states. The program strives to teach boys that girls are their allies not their enemies.

Contrary to some of the comments, the problem isn’t teaching boys not to rape or hold doors open for girls. Being polite and considerate is a problem that both boys AND girls have trouble grasping these days. Further, little boys don't owe little girls special consideration simply because they are little girls. Respect and civility are not the sole domain of boys to master. Also, the Mean Girls meme is not fictitious, nor is it harmless bullying (as if those two words could ever go together). Often, it can be quite violent and traumatic to the people relentlessly targeted, regardless of gender. Plenty of girls commit violence against boys and quite often use weapons or other boys as proxies to commit said violence – and get away with it on a regular basis. But in reality, that never happens, cuz you know, girls don't do that kind of stuff. Amirite or amirite!

Also, most mothers really seem to have no concept about the pressure that some women can exert on men with regard to sex. Coercion, blackmail, threats, mockery, questioning of sexual orientation, drugs and alcohol have been all been used by some women to force men into sex. Where did these women learn such techniques? I really doubt it was from their fathers. Jacob Taylor of Toy Soldiers shares his thoughts and some stats regarding female predation on boys and men at this link.

Let’s be careful not to bash or stereotype little boys while putting little girls on pedestals to be worshipped where we ignore their own rude or violent behavior.

The problem with regard to rape advocacy is teaching enthusiastic consent to both boys AND girls, not treating boys like potential perps bound to commit rape unless educated not to do so. As a father of two boys, I find that idea very offensive. Teaching boys (and girls) about consent and sexual violence is definitely a necessary tool in fighting such violence. However, assuming that all sexual violence is directed at women and only by men is a dangerous concept that has kept many men quiet for decades. Further, it silences female survivors of female perpetrated violence.

As a male rape survivor of a female rapist who used a drugged drink and blackmail, I find the recent "boys/men must end violence against women" meme to be minimizing and incredibly insensitive. It also sets boys up for abuse and ensures their silent suffering by teaching them that only males commit sexual violence and only against females. According to stats presented on the website of the organization 1 in 6 (1in6.org), by the time U.S. boys reach the age of 18, 1 in every six of them will be the victim of sexual violence.

How about we care about those boys for a few minutes too? Society is completely failing them and most people are quite happy to continue to pretend they don’t exist while holding them accountable for the actions of other males, and simultaneously expecting them to be the protectors of all females.

I don’t think that is asking for too much. Really.

Also, take some time to read the stats at 1in6 before taking the recent CDC study, which re-classifies female on male rape as not rape at face value. Let me be blunt. If a mother forces her son to penetrate her, that boy has not been raped according to this CDC study. Yeah, that is fucking crazy boat loads of accurate, innit? Recent media coverage and summarizations by certain bloggers don't tell the whole story and willfully omit key problems with the manner in which the stats were compiled. Seriously.

This entry also posted here: http://jameslandrith.com/content/view/3846/79/

Can We Please Fight Rape "Jokes" Without the Sexism? (Thanks a Bunch)

2011-12-01T12:00:00.001-06:00

There are open letters and campaigns circulating the blogosphere regarding rape joke "humor" and Facebook groups that also promote such. While I support the message that rape "humor" is not so funny and can be quite damaging to survivors exposed to such, some of the underlying assumptions are incorrect. A few of the worst assumptions are outlined below:

Only men promote rape jokes seems to be the underlying theme of both the Facebook campaign and the open letters.

As a male survivor, I disagree with the assumption that only men make rape jokes. My own personal experience flies in the face of that ridiculous assertion. I cannot count how many women I’ve seen laugh along with male rape jokes both on TV, movies or in the work place. Further, I've seen the word "rape" used to describe trivial matters on such a regular basis by both women and like men. Clearly, failure to grasp the magnitude of that word is not limited to one gender.

Search for “female rapist” on Twitter and you will find many women tweeting rape jokes all day long. Don’t even bother with prison rape jokes as women are also some of the worst offenders in that category too. I was raped by a woman. Really. It fucking happens. I can't possibly explain how fucking triggering it is to be confronted with jokes about female rapists on a fairly regular basis.I've lost track of how many times I've seen this play out in movies, television and online.

Obviously that doesn't count as a man is not making the jokes and a woman is not the victim.

Rape Is No Joke's cofounder Katie Aslop further asserts that male survivors are "statistically insignificant."

This blatant form of minimization and promotion of a survivor hierarchy undermines the awareness campaign they've been building. Someone needs to explain to me why it is necessary for the co-founder of RINJ to minimize and lie about male survivors in order to fight these disgusting rape joke groups on Facebook. I've yet to see a compelling, non-sexist reason from RINJ. This needs to be addressed maturely and compassionately by someone with actual experience with male rape survivor issues.

Given that we (male survivors of sexual violence) actually number in the MILLIONS, it should not be hard to find a knowledgable and compassionate person to explain it. Clearly,Katie Aslop is NOT that person. Further, RINJ seems to be making their argument based on stats that DO NOT INCLUDE most female rapists, nor most forms of rape used against men and boys as part of the data sets. How can someone make the argument that male survivors are "statistically insignificant" by using stats that completely omit most male survivors based on alternate language or built-in biases that exclude most female rapists and sex abusers? Yes, the stats were cherry-picked off of RAINN's website. Howver, RAINN did not fund nor collect those stats. Further, those statistical models have been picked apart and the biases exposed several times over. For better models, see Jacob Taylor's article and visit 1in6.

So, men need to stop making rape jokes and looking the other way while other men do it? HOW ABOUT EVERYONE NEEDS TO FUCKING STOP.

Now. Thanks for being a buddy. You're the best.

Some sample links to the open letters:

This entry also posted at: http://jameslandrith.com/content/view/3843/79/

An Open Letter to SCCC President Paul Killpatrick on Sexual Assault as the “Last Straw”

2011-11-27T16:59:00.003-06:00

An Open Letter to SCCC President Paul Killpatrick on Sexual Assault as the “Last Straw”

Seattle Central Community College
Office of the President
Paul Killpatrick, PhD
1701 Broadway
Seattle, WA 98122

November 27, 2011

Dear Mr. Killpatrick,

I appreciate that SCCC may be less-than-willing hosts to the current Occupy Seattle encampment. However, I am truly saddened that you identified an attempted sexual assault as “the last straw” to evict Occupy Seattle.

SCCC and the Occupy Movement exist in the context of our broader culture and society where sexual assault is a significant social problem. Citing the attempted assault as a reason to evict the Occupy Seattle encampment takes appalling advantage of someone who has been the victim of a crime.

Using the attempted sexual assault to discredit a peaceful political movement is a reprehensible manipulation of a terrible situation. As a neighbor to SCCC, I am deeply surprised that no one in your institution--students, faculty or support staff--has yet publicly stated their opposition to your remarks.

I see from SCCC campus crime statistics that no sexual assaults have been reported in the last three years. As a former Women’s Center program director at a small college in Oregon, I can assure you that a lack of reports does not mean a lack of incidents. Rather, a lack of reports indicates an institutional climate where persons experiencing sexual assault do not feel safe enough to come forward for support.

Please do not politicize a personal tragedy for the political gain of your institution. There are other ways to work with the people at the Occupy Seattle encampment.

In solidarity with survivors,

Robin DeBates, MSW, LSWAIC
Volunteer with Occupy Seattle Medical Work Group

------------------

Robin works as a therapist providing crisis assessment and intervention services for youth in King County, and for all ages in Snohomish County. She has worked with individuals and families in crisis since 1999 in settings ranging from special needs summer camp to a domestic violence shelter, youth residential treatment and hospital-based emergency medicine. Her website is available here: http://growing-hope.com

This entry also posted here: http://jameslandrith.com/content/view/3842/79/

Get Ready, Get Involved or Get Out of the Way

2011-11-27T02:05:00.000-06:00

Jacob Taylor of Toy Soldiers on "Oh Dear... ":

Hugo Schwyzer does not like my Good Men Project article. According to his twitter feed, my article is “Most dishonest thing I’ve see at @goodmenproject: ‘Women Rape Boys Too’ … Conflates rape stats with other abuse stats.”
I am not sure how I conflated rape statistics with other abuse statistics given that all the examples were specifically about sexual abuse. The editors on GMP did not include the links to the studies and articles, but I did include them in my version of the post. Anyone who reads them would see that I am not confusing physical or emotional abuse with sexual abuse.
It is rather egregious to accuse me of deliberately misrepresenting statistics without citing a single example of me doing so. Obviously Schwyzer could not do that on twitter, but he did not cite anything in his response on GMP either. It takes little effort to accuse someone of lying, but I think a person should invest some time in proving that claim if they going to go on a twitter rant over it.

Schwyzer and his dittoheads, while not going away, are in for a rude awakening. Male survivors of sexual violence are not going to sit idly by while people who aren't stakeholderrs in our healing peddle misinformation and half-truths intended to minimize, re-wound and silence actual, living, breathing sexual violence survivors for the sake of their academic or political arguments. We are done sitting in the corner and in the dark, with our heads hung low.

He just might as well get some better earplugs. While only recently have we begun to find our voice, some of us can be pretty damned loud.

There is a storm brewing in the male survivor community and things ARE going to change. You can help or you can ignore us, but you can no longer expect to brazenly hinder us without consequence. Those days are officially over.

Get ready.

This entry also posted at: http://jameslandrith.com/content/view/3841/79/

Getting Involved in Sexual Violence Work While Male

2011-11-15T12:00:00.000-06:00

Originally published at No, Seriously, What About Teh Menz?

If you’ve been around the blogosphere for longer than five minutes, you may have noticed recurring discussions on sexual violence and feminist related blogs related to the need for men need to step up and take a bigger role in prevention and recovery. I’m not going to dispute that. Men do need to assume a higher profile, but as equal and respected partners, rather than out of guilt or as some form of penance for the actions of other men. That said,some people may not like the form that such involvement can take.

Putting Away the Keyboard

More often than not, the role that men are expected to assume by such bloggers, particularly by those who are not directly involved in real world advocacy themselves, is that of background support for the work of women already in the field. There is a philosophy, promoted by some, that men involved in sexual violence work should never seek leadership roles or question the present orthodoxy in any way. For some men, that may be a good fit. However, there are far greater opportunities available to men interested in making a real difference in sexual violence prevention or survivor advocacy programs.

Typically, men involved in sexual violence work are expected to engage ONLY in the following ways:

Attend Men Can Stop Rape events and programs.
Raise funds for crisis centers and prevention programs.
Participate in protests and walks such as Slutwalks, Take Back The Night events, or locally inspired actions.
Join campus organizations as an ally.

Making a Difference

There is nothing wrong with any of these approaches to involvement. If that is how you choose to make an impact, then I encourage you to make the most out of it. That said, there are many other under-utilized opportunities for men to get involved in sexual violence work. Some examples are below:

Volunteer and train as a crisis line counselor. – Contrary to opinion among some in the blogosphere who do not engage in real world advocacy, not all female survivors want to talk to another woman. Some female survivors are impartial with regard to the gender of the person on the other end of the phone. Others still, prefer a male voice on the phone. Additionally, some male survivors may prefer to talk to another man.
Join an advocacy organization that is involved locally. – Attend meetings, sign up for committees and participate in campaigns and events. Make your presence known through your actions and attitude. Don’t be afraid to make suggestions or question the status quo if you believe there is a better or more efficient way to accomplish a particular goal. Remember that an idea’s validity is not determined based on the genitalia of its proponent. The people who believe such nonsense tend not to be involved in the real world grunt work.
Participate in a survivor speaker’s bureau. – If you are a survivor and at a place in your healing where you feel comfortable sharing, this can be a very healing and high impact form of involvement. Please remember that most survivors will NEVER feel comfortable with public disclosure. It is not a reflection on your healing or courage if you choose to not get involved with public speaking. For those of you who do get involved, you will be surprised at how many organizations are eager to hear from male survivors. The overwhelmingly vast majority of survivor speakers tend to be white females and event planners are looking to diversify their discussion topics. The impact of your presentation may be the very thing a survivor suffering in silence needs to feel validated and worthy of healing. Your words can help change someone’s life and further heal your own wounds.
Speak out online and offline when you feel the need. – There are so many ways to change opinions and make an impact that don’t require the access and approval of specific organizations. Campaigns to rid Facebook of troubling groups that make light of sexual violence; correcting rape myths in everyday life as you confront them; and getting involved in legislative and legal campaigns when possible are additional options.

Potential Obstacles and Challenges

As a man involved in sexual violence work, you can expect to confront some very uncomfortable situations. For instance, you may be put into the “perp” box from time to time. This can come in the form of fellow advocates who promote generalizations based on gender. Also, you may experience the same while in contact with female survivors of male rapists.

The latter will be the hardest to overcome as you are dealing with a person who has had their trust violated in an extreme and traumatic manner. The former may come via people who are confusing advocacy work with ideological agendas. While this is far more common online with people who do not commit to real world advocacy, it can still occur offline in more limited supply.

When in contact with female survivors struggling with severe trust issues, you will need to work hard to gain trust and this will take patience. It is not your job to “fix” anyone. You are support to those who want your support. Your actions, more than anything, will communicate loudest to such female survivors. For some, you will never be trustworthy. You cannot control this and should not be made to feel guilty for the actions of those who hurt them. It is not possible to truly make a difference if you are attempting to atone for the actions of others. It is not a burden you can bear and no good will come of it for the survivor in the end. All you can do in such a situation is to put forth your best work and stay focused on the organization or campaign’s goals.

Advocates, however, have no excuse for treating male volunteers like pariahs or subjecting them to abuse or discrimination. Such treatment should be challenged as it is not appropriate in what is expected to be a healing environment. Bigotry and hatred have no place in sexual violence related efforts. If such advocates are willing to treat men who have volunteered their precious time and money in such a manner, they surely cannot be trusted around vulnerable male survivors or even female survivors who have been hurt by other women.

Keeping It Real

It is important to remember when dealing with any trauma survivor, that the healing process is theirs to own. It is entirely their decision as to how they heal and who they allow to assist them on that journey. No survivor should be made to feel pressured or emotionally manipulated to accept anyone’s help regardless of how sincere it may be offered if said help is not something the survivor is comfortable accepting. Everyone heals at their own pace and on their own terms. That should be respected without question or debate. Sexual violence survivors often create multiple layers of emotional barriers to protect themselves from harm. It is entirely the survivor’s decision who they allow to breach those walls. Please remember to respect that while serving the greater needs of the survivor community.

Far too often, advocates and volunteers completely lose sight of the real reason they are doing the work – the needs of the individual survivor and potential future victims. So long as you always bear in mind both the why AND who, you will be prepared to make a real and lasting impact.

Whatever your reasons for getting involved, please remember to take care of yourself as well. Working with survivors or on related campaign issues can be exhausting and emotionally stressful, even if you are not a survivor yourself. Practicing good self-care will ensure you are able to participate to the best of your ability and keep your mind and body in tune with your goals as a volunteer.

Why I Do It

In 2008, I finally decided to acknowledge what happened to me so many years ago as rape. I was drugged, raped and then blackmailed into silence by a female friend of a friend. As I’ve been involved in civil liberties work for years, it was a natural progression for me to add sexual violence work to my agenda. I had already acquired a thick skin from years of publishing The Multiracial Activist and The Abolitionist Examiner magazines online as well as participating in multiple civil liberties coalitions and efforts to include a U.S. Supreme Court case.

Since then, I have blogged about my own experience and related topics frequently on multiple websites. I’ve been interviewed online, via podcast and for print publication. As an active member of the speakers bureau for RAINN and speaker/trainer for the Survivors Caucus of the Virginia Sexual and Domestic Violence Action Alliance I’ve visited college campuses, youth groups and churches to discuss rape myths, survivor needs and participate in panel discussions on sexual and domestic violence. My own story has been adapted for use by the Empowerment Theatre on stage. In addition, I was interviewed for a video segment that is shown during Precious Porter’s awesome one-woman performance of “No More Drama: Love Should Not Hurt”, which was recently performed/screened for a group of over 3,000 attendees in Atlanta, Georgia. Online, I am moderator for theFacebook group associated with the healing handbook Resurrection After Rape. In addition, I serve as a Section Moderator at Pandora’s Aquarium, one of the largest online mixed gender rape survivor communities. Offline, I have served as a secondary survivor for several female and male survivors who have done the same for me.

However you choose to make an impact is your decision. Just remember to keep your goals in mind and take care of yourself mentally and physically. This is important, but emotionally painful work. I salute each and every one of you who decide to take on such a burden.

___________________________

James Landrith is a rape survivor, public speaker, internationally syndicated blogger, civil liberties activist and the notorious editor and publisher of The Multiracial Activist (ISSN: 1552-3446) and The Abolitionist Examiner (ISSN: 1552-2881). Landrith can be reached by email at: james@jameslandrith.com or at his personal website/blog.

This entry also posted at: http://jameslandrith.com/content/view/3839/79/

Again, With The Male vs. Female Survivors Thing...Ugh

2011-09-23T17:12:00.000-05:00

saiseix on Slut Walks, victim blaming:

I have been reading several articles on victim blaming, as per the up-coming local Slut Walk, and am extremely disappointed at the staggering amounts of victim blaming and rape apologizing in the comment sections.

Over and over again I read statements such as “I think a woman should be able to wear whatever she wants… but she still has to use common sense!” and “Don’t get drunk and put yourself in dangerous situations!” While these may seem well meaning, they both imply victim blaming, as we are all taught in society. We are told over and over again what a woman should wear, how she should behave in order to prevent being attacked. How about we spend even an equal amout of time and energy teaching somthting that REALLY should be common sense – DON’T ATTACK SOMEONE.

I abhor victim-blaming in all forms. Blame shifting, excuse making, denial, mockery and minimization are all disgusting practices that are thrown in the faces of rape survivors. Good job on sounding off. The Slutwalks have started a very important conversation that needs to continue and expand in multiple directions.

However, I have to quibble with regard to the comments about male rape survivors.

You said, "I want to know how many people would say a man was asking to be attacked because of the way he looked." That is an interesting, if offensive question, from the perspective an actual male rape survivor. The way a man looks is VERY MUCH a tool of rape denial and minimization used by both men AND women when they meet a male rape survivor. While a man's attire is less likely to be analyzed, his physical fitness, size, aggressive/submissive presence, perceived sexual orientation and masculinity are all weapons to be wielded in their rape denial and mockery.

It happens. It is no less ugly than that which happens to women. That is, of course, when we aren't turned into a punchline again and again and again. Perhaps you didn't know that?

You said, "I wonder how many male rape victims are told they were “asking for it”." A LOT of us are told that. I was drugged, raped and then blackmailed into silence by a female friend of a friend.

I was alone with a woman I didn't know well. I was asking for it.

I didn't say no to the drinks she bought me. I was asking for it.

I didn't fight back with physical violence after the drugs wore off and the blackmail and threats and screaming at me began. I was asking for it.

I had an erection. I was asking for it.

I didn't report it to the police. I was asking for it.

I support the Slutwalks that have been taking place worldwide and I speak out regularly as a survivor and trainer. What I cannot support are minimizations based on the gender of a survivor. It seems to me that you have absolutely no idea what male rape survivors deal with on a regular basis. Let me clue you in - it does not differ as much as you may think. We get mocked. We get treated to rape denial, victim blaming, shaming and all manner of disgusting minimizations. Sound familiar?

Rather than alienating male rape survivors by making it seem like we have it easy compared to women (the vast majority of whom, like men, have NOT been raped), you should re-examine this topic and view us as the allies we have been for many years to our sister survivors - even while being told that we don't deserve access to PUBLICLY funded crisis centres that we help to keep afloat with our own tax money.

We can be strong allies or we can be minimized and alienated. Again. It is time for those who truly care to make a choice.

This entry also posted at: http://jameslandrith.com/content/view/3825/79/

There is Always One

2011-07-21T18:01:00.000-05:00

On Friday 7/15, I was one of five rape survivors (from RAINN) who presented at a church in SE, Washington, DC. I was heartened and impressed by the desire of the church leadership and event organizer to provide their members with access to content and speakers on this important topic. This was the first time I was not the only male survivor, which was a welcome change.

The attendees were happy for all who participated, but one of the more senior female members told me that she was “overjoyed to see men speaking out.” She said that “women always show up, but we need to hear from the men too.” I’ve found that even when internet gender warriors don’t get it or scoff at male survivors for expecting a seat at the anti-sexual violence table (while doing so on The Most Important of Blogs – TM), the people who actually show up at awareness events often have entirely different ideas. I was grateful for her comments and reminded once again that people are listening, even if some of the self-appointed gatekeepers are completely clueless – or worse, complicit in the silencing of male rape survivors.

At each speaking engagement there is usually one person that will stand out for me and be remembered long after I’ve forgotten most of the event. That night, a woman spoke to me about her husband and how she long suspected something in his background but that he would not discuss it. She described how the pieces fell in line for her as she listened to me discuss my own experience. She got it. When he is ready to talk, she'll be ready to listen and support him.

She was the reason I was there. She was the person I was supposed to reach that night. There is always one…

This entry also posted at: http://jameslandrith.com/content/view/3818/79/

On Double Standards (or Oh No She Didn't!)

2011-07-03T17:59:00.001-05:00

Emily Nelson on Oh, a Woman Did Something Bad? Must Not Count:

Women get a double standard generally. There is this absurd notion that women are somehow less violent than men and if women were to rule the world, we would experience international peace. Yeah right. Which is totally why no women ever commit murder or other violent crimes. Or rape (yes, women do commit rape). Or murder their children. Or are abusive to their spouses. I mean, clearly, it just doesn’t happen, yeah?

As a male survivor of a female rapist, I have been served giant scoops of this garbage over the years.

While the victim-blaming and shaming are bad for any rape survivor regardless of gender, when a woman is the perp people will perform unparalleled styles of mental gymnastics to excuse, downplay or outright deny responsibility on the woman’s part. I was told (more than once) to “try to think about what she must have endured in order to have committed such a crime” against me.

She drugged, raped and blackmailed me into silence but she is the victim and I am expected to be understanding and sympathetic.

Some days, I really hate people.

Relevant Links:

http://theundiscoveredcountry.wordpress.com/2011/07/03/oh-a-woman-did-something-bad-must-not-count/

This entry also posted at: http://jameslandrith.com/content/view/3810/79/

Verbal and Physical Violence and the Aftermath

2011-03-18T17:57:00.001-05:00

The Sexual Assault Centre of Edmonton on "Violent Games":

...there are a lot of behaviors, attitudes and ways in which people interact with each other that are harmful, painful, derogatory and violent, such as name calling, hitting, discrimination based on race, sexual harassment, etc., that we minimize with phrases like, “Oh, I was just having a little fun,” “It’s no big deal,” “It’s just a joke,” “I’m only racist when I drink,” “Why do you have to be such a prude?” Those phrases are used to both minimize the harmful and negative consequences of words and/or behaviors as well as cut down the voice of anyone who chooses to speak out in resistance to their minimizing tactics. If I say pinching people on St. Patrick’s Day is a way to normalize violence as a game, and someone calls me a prude, that is their effort to make what I’ve just said less legitimate.
There are a lot of words we can call people to de-legitimate what they have to say and what they choose to do. Some include: prude, stupid, lame, idiot, snitch, frigid, bitch, gay, faggot, freak. They represent one of the ways language has so much power to distort and create the meaning we make of our lives by de-legitimating the voice and perspectives of certain people.
And they have central roles in how groups of people can justify violence.

I was picked on and bullied a great deal growing up. Individual incidents ranged from simple roughing up, to being sucker punched in the back of the head by a coward with 50+ pounds on me, among other incidents. When it wasn’t physical (boys or girls getting boys to do it for them), it was largely psychological abuse. I don’t prescribe to the sticks and stones mindset. Words can hurt and they have meanings, else our species would not have developed written and oral speech. I still carry some physical and many unseen mental scars from those years of abuse. Often, the school administration was less than sympathetic and in a few cases, I was actually punished for self-defense. I believe that such conditioning as a child left me more vulnerable to sexual violence as an adult.

My philosophy is that we should use words responsibly or not speak at all and that goes for everyone – little boys AND little girls and adult men AND adult women. No one gets a pass for any reason. Obviously, the level of response differs based on age, situation, etc., but I don’t just “let it go” anymore. For the sake of my own child, I refuse.

Relevant Links:

http://sacetalks.wordpress.com/2011/03/18/violent-games/

This entry also posted at: http://jameslandrith.com/content/view/3766/79/

Adultery, Gender and Forgiveness

2011-03-13T17:55:00.001-05:00

Blixa Scott, writing for The Good Men Project on "Why Do We Forgive Adulterous Women?"

In Tuesday’s piece on the double standard regarding adultery, Tom Matlack asks, "When was the last time a woman got dragged through the mud for cheating?"
I offer a slightly different question: When was the last time a woman was exposed for cheating—and the story wasn’t crafted around a narrative of love?
It’s true that the conspicuous distinction between Tiger Woods, Charlie Sheen, and Jesse James on the one hand and Elizabeth Gilbert, Tori Spelling, and LeAnn Rimes on the other is that the former are all men and the latter are all women. But a more significant distinction is that the adulterers in the first group all sought extra-marital sex, seemingly, for its own sake. But the adulterers in the second group were all portrayed as having fallen in love. In fact, in all of the examples Tom provided of infamous female adulterers, the women ended up leaving their husbands to form serious relationships with the other men.

This is an interesting article/thread and one that hits home for me. Twenty years ago, when I was still single, I was involved in a series of one-night stands with women I didn’t know. At least a half dozen were married women who initiated the sexual activities. All of them had, of course, never done this sort of thing before. (yawn). I never sought them out, they just seemed to "happen". In some cases, the women were fairly aggressive and made it clear that they wanted sex and nothing else.

At the time, I was in a phase of sexual grieving which took the form of subconsciously trying to take back power through promiscuity following a drug-induced rape I experienced at the hands of a female acquaintance. Fortunately, that phase did end before anything tragic occurred, but I took some really stupid chances back then with women I didn’t know. During that period, I seldom sought out sex partners but I never said no to those who approached me. It was as if it were just understood that I was not going to say no. I am not basing this on the ugly stereotype that all men want sex at all times from whoever is offering. Rather, I think I was transmitting "yes" nonverbally, if that makes sense.

In the moment, I didn’t see it, but in retrospect it was very dangerous for a variety of reasons. Obviously, sexually transmitted diseases were a threat. Then, there was the possibility of angry husbands finding out and getting violent, among other things. Further, I didn’t know these women and had absolutely no reason to trust them. They could have easily lied and made all kinds of claims if discovered. Fortunately, I did not have to confront such a situation.

Interestingly enough, the response I’ve received since becoming a sexual violence speaker has been completely lacking in criticism for the married women who slept with me back then. I have been asked several times if I forgave myself, but strangely enough no one seems to have anything negative to say about the women who cheated on their husbands with me.

Relevant Links:

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-do-we-forgive-adulterous-women/

This entry also posted at: http://jameslandrith.com/content/view/3765/79/

No More Drama: Love Should Not Hurt

2011-03-12T17:54:00.001-06:00

On Friday, March 4th, I attended a one-woman show by the very awesome P. Precious Porter at the University of DC:

The show was billed as a "performance that will allow you to see domestic violence through the eyes of all victims. This is a FREE public service event in support of victims/survivors of domestic violence. You will be given an opportunity to donate Mary Kay or purchase some for yourself to support victims/survivors who receives service from Romona's Way."

The program, "No More Drama: Love Should Not Hurt" was approximately 90 minutes long and covered the spectrum from relationship violence to sexual assault. A representative from Ramona's Way was in attendance as well as a representative from from Mary Kay.

Precious delivers an emotional and eye opening view into the different phases of an abusive relationship as well as the impact on the survivors, their immediate family and friends. Further, she included interviews with actual survivors as part of the performance. I was one such indivdual interviewed for the show.

While I knew I was part of the performance having previously agreed and been interviewed for the project, I hadn't yet experienced it personally. I had already been emotionally on edge during the first part of the performance. Once my own recording came through the speakers, I held my breath and hoped for the best. While I did get emotional while listening to my portion, I was proud that I had done it and and judging by the reactions of some of the other members of the audience, it had made an impact. I did experience that common mixture of panic attack and exposure that many survivors have described following their own public disclosures. In the end, I was proud to be a part of this project and in awe of the performance created by Precious.

I don't know when this show will come again, as this one was a one-off fundraiser, but I'll be sure to post a link at that time.

Thank you Precious and to everyone who attended and donated to better the lives of domestic violence survivors.

Relevant Links:

This entry also posted at: http://jameslandrith.com/content/view/3764/79/

Commenting Roundup

2011-02-12T17:52:00.000-06:00

I've been reading blogs more frequently as of late. Apparently, I've got that kind of time. :) My most recent blog entries have been in response to other bloggers. This entry is different as I am responding to comments made on other blogs:

The Thang Blog

Nix, whining that male survivors get mentioned at all in discussions about rape, left the following comment on a blog entry about "Schrodingers Rapist":

Most rapists are cis men, most victims are not cis men. Rape culture (which is heteronormative) is one in which men are encouraged to believe that they are entitled to the time, energy, conversations and bodies of other people – particularly women (and children). You must be aware of what signals you are sending, and in what environment is right – and if men don’t want to be assumed to be rapists then they/we need to actively combat rape culture, and make sure they/we are not acting in ways that presume entitlement. Unlike the "Muslims" or "black men" in the alternative situations outlined, in the situation of rape men are the privileged ones in the position of power.
So, OK, create a set of "non-gendered" "equal" rules so as not to hurt straight cis men’s feelings, but we do not live in a "non-gendered" "equal" society, and that is something that the comment fails to acknowledge.

Nix, use of non-gendered language is not about not hurting men’s feelings. I find that statement highly minimizing and almost mocking of male survivors. As a survivor of a female rapist, far more than my "feelings" were hurt when she raped me. My trust, my sense of self ownership and part of my soul died that day. Please try to remember that real people are involved, not just social and political points on a metaphorical scoreboard. Male survivors and even female survivors of female predators are done sitting quietly in the corner. You can either be our allies or get used to being called out as a rape apologist.

That's What Ze Said

Corvus, relegating male survivors to nothing but an annoying distraction, on "Rape is not gender-specific":

I think one thing is a little off in your post- while ALL types and genders of people do experience rape, the vast majority of people who perpetuate rape are men. Yes, sometimes women and other genders do rape. But most of the time, rape comes from male dominance and patriarchal propnents who are usually men.
The whole "women rape, too" thing is something often used by male rape culture apologists to minimize the role men have to play in fighting rape culture.

Corvus, while some apologists may use such an argument for their own purposes, there are also some men who mention it because it applies to their own experiences. I am a male rape survivor of a female rapist. We exist and deserve to be treated like fellow human beings and survivors worthy of respect and compassion. We are not a derailment or socio-political argument or anything else. We live and we breath and should be considered allies, not treated like an affront to the experiences of female survivors.

The Pursuit of Harpyness

In response to a blog entry titled "Redefining Rape: More Important Than Jobs", Mischiefmanager said:

"Think we’d be seeing the same kind of thing if male rape victims could get pregnant?"

Nope, the politicians would just continue to ignore us or openly mock us, like 99% of society. Per the norm. Any type of hierarchy of survivorhood is an insult to all survivors, regardless of gender or circumstance with regard to their attacks and attackers.

Relevant Links:

This entry also posted at: http://jameslandrith.com/content/view/3758/79/

My New Buddy Sargassosea, A Doodette Extreme

2011-02-07T17:50:00.000-06:00

It has been a while since I've felt compelled to take a critic apart in their own special blog entry. Well, once in a while someone expressly begs for it. So, here you go.

In response to my comments on a blog entry at "Scum-o-rama", my latest fan Sargassosea, attempts to "counsel" me on rape and gender, but ends up revealing her own hatred instead.

I’m a woman who can discuss rape in a serious manner, James and it’s a terrible thing to be raped, isn’t it?

Why yes Sargassossea, it is a terrible thing. We are in complete agreement here. By the way, I know quite a few women who can discuss rape in a serious manner.

But what I’m serious about is this: that I am sick and fucking tired of MEN bemoaning rape (especially on a radical feminist blog, ffs) when MEN are the perpetrators of rape.

Umm, no. SOME men are perpetrators of rape, just like SOME women. By the way, the moderator of that particular feminist blog has the comments on moderation and chose of her own free will to allow me to leave a comment when she could just have easily pressed delete. If you have an issue with that, perhaps you need to talk to her.

As women we do not even have to go to prison first to be raped, it happens in our own homes on a DAILY BASIS and often starts when we are still little girls. Yeah, we’re so "privileged" that we get to be *free* while we’re being raped.

Yeah, like the 1 in 6 men who will be sexually victimized in their lifetimes as well, many as little boys abused by their own mothers. The vast majority of men subjected to sexual violence are victimized OUTSIDE of prison, but nice attempt at promoting a rape myth about male survivors. I wondered how long it would take until the Oppression Olympics began again. Kind of ugly, but, umm, okay.

Frankly I don’t give a political crap about men who are being raped in prison because the only reason they’re being raped in the first place is because there are no convenient FEMALE fuck holes available. Jesus.

Victim-blaming much? I care about ALL people regardless of gender regardless of their social status, but I guess that makes me a bad person.

James, I’d advise you to take your *progressive feminist male* schtick to Feministing; they’re rather fond of virtually fellating doods like you over there. But you already knew that didn’t you?

I'm not much of a "progressive feminist male", more like a civil liberties and human rights activist who cares about all humans, rather than one who promotes hatred and uses generalizing slurs. Not sure what "doods" are but maybe a doctor can look at it for me?

She got her say and "put me in my place" on a "radical feminist blog" for making the mistake of caring about all survivors of rape and sexual abuse. Well, I guess that congratulations are in order on alienating a potential ally. Good on you. So, now I've responded and done so on an internationally syndicated weblog (part of the LexisNexis archive) that will make all those pretty words a permanent monument to How Not To Be A Compassionate Person.

Of course, she also defends her own ugly racism and privilege here. I see a trend developing. After nearly 20 years of interracial marriage, personal and professional attacks and death threats from white supremacists and hate mongerers, I've come to expect batshit crazy in all forms - even from other people in interracial relationships themselves.

My new buddy, doodette, and bestie did not disappoint. Of course, whether she is actually capable of discussing survivorhood in a serious manner is still up for debate given the utter lack of serious, mature commentary reflected in her response to me. Instead of anything resembling seriousness and compassion for fellow rape survivors, I see anger, victim-blaming and generalizations. Of course, racism and hatred go together, so exactly why am I surprised?

I guess I just expect better of people. Stupid me.

This entry also posted at: http://jameslandrith.com/content/view/3757/79/

On Treating Male Survivors Like Actual Human Beings

2011-02-06T16:00:00.000-06:00

RCASA blogging on "Male victims of sexual assault and how it can vary from the victimization of females":

Most statistical analyses hypothesize that somewhere between 20 and 30% of American females will be victimized by sexual assault at some point in their lives; similar studies states that around 10% of males will be victims of sexual violence. There is some argument as to whether or not these numbers are skewed due to the decreased likelihood that male victims will come forward following an assault, but for arguments sake let’s say that these percentages are close to accurate. However, when observing the rates of males who seek therapy to heal after a sexual assault, these numbers plummet even further. In my years of working with victims of sexual violence I have worked with hundreds of female survivors; from responding to those in the hospital immediately following assaults, to support groups aimed at processing childhood abuse, to individual therapy settings. In that same time frame I have worked with nine males; only one of whom sought therapy specifically for the abuse.
After countless hours spent studying the difference between males and females in graduate school and learning about the impact of society’s gender roles and stereotypes it appears as though one of the most obvious differences is how the genders are taught they should be. Women in America are told from a young age that they can be vulnerable to such attacks; probably why my mother sent me to college with a rape whistle, pepper spray, and the sound advice of places to kick before running like crazy. Men, however, seem to be taught that being like women can be a sign of weakness, and therefore if they are victimized in the same way as a woman then it can be like an attack on their sense of manhood. This, combined with the same societal norms telling men that they should not talk about their feelings, could certainly be contributing to the large gap in male victims who seek therapy.
Fresh out of college I was wanting to use this knowledge to change how we raise boys in America, and while there might be a need for cultural change I want to use this opportunity to simply say that there is no shame in wanting to heal, and if therapy might assist with that then all I can say is taking that step is brave…funny, because bravery is one of those labels in our culture that our men are ‘supposed’ to be.

Thank you for writing this post and treating male survivors like human beings, worthy of compassion and concern. As a male rape survivor of a female rapist, I can tell you that the opposite is quite often the case. Just explore some of the archived postings on my weblog at the following link for a few examples:

http://jameslandrith.com/content/category/8/181/79/

Rigid gender norms and social stereotypes play a major role in keeping male survivors silent. Men are expected to say nothing, feel nothing and think nothing about sexual contact other than that they liked it. When I spoke out about my own rape, I was treated to victim-blaming phraseology such as “buyer’s remorse”, “what’s wrong with you?” and outright disbelief due to the common ‘truth’ that all men want sex all the time from all women regardless of the circumstance. Alpha male wannabes also play a role in silencing male survivors as they like to police the herd and make sure that any potential “weakness” is stomped on and kept silent through intimidation or mockery. Then there were the excuses and outright denial made about my female rapist – from other women. Ugly stuff all around.

Compounding the social biases and belief systems male survivors also encounter apathy, disbelief and mockery from some of the institutions and advocates who should be there to provide assistance. We also have to deal with the added bonus of denial of service by organizations who receive state taxpayer funds (also contributed to by male survivors) based on their promise to assist female and male survivors with said funds. Then, if we are fortunate enough to find a crisis center willing to help, we have to deal with sideways glances and being treated like a potential perp by both staff and fellow survivors.

Throw into the mix angry bloggers and media stories that almost always use gender specific pronouns when discussing survivors. Using such pronouns is proper when discussing specific individuals or when intentionally concentrating on a specific demographic of survivors. However, using such gender based pronouns when speaking generally sends the message that woman = victim and perp = man. This practice communicates to men that they are not truly welcomed into the survivor community and healing resources, as they are not actually considered “real” survivors.

That said, there are many wonderful and compassionate organizations and advocates who truly care about male survivors and treat as equals our female counterparts. Unfortunately, that seems to be the exception more often, rather than the rule.

Relevant Links:

Male Survivors: Just Not Getting It

2011-01-29T16:27:00.000-06:00

V, writing for subterfuge, on "He's Asking For It":

This is a confessional about rape. About men raping other men, because the men who are the victims are either gay or perceived to be gay. Contrary to my title, I don’t honestly think men are asking for it. I do not think that men — if rumored to be gay, if he acts effeminate, if he really is gay, etc — deserve to be raped anymore than I think women deserve to be raped.
But, I must confess…when I hear about it…in a way…I feel like it could be a good thing in disguise. And, this makes no sense, I realize. This makes no sense, because it’s ridiculous, shameful thought. It is illogical. Good things do not come out of rape. And, when I hear this, I think of Sharon Angle, who famously told rape victims to make lemonade out of the lemons they were given, rather than get abortions.

As a male survivor of a female rapist (drugged drink) and male rapist (who I successfully fought off) this was extremely difficult to read. While I understand that she acknowledged the shame she feels when she finds herself believing that men being raped is “a good thing in disguise” that doesn’t make it any easier as a rape survivor for me to be sympathetic to her reasoning. I get the point, but it feels differently on this side of the fence.

When I’m waking up in the middle of the night over and over and over due to hypervigilance or bad memories, I definitely don’t feel like what happened was “a good thing in disguise.” When I’m spending money I don’t have on therapy rather than on my child, I don’t feel like it was “a good thing in disguise.” When I can’t figure out if I need to curl into a ball and cry, scream my lungs out or put my fist through the wall, I really don’t feel like it was “a good thing in disguise”. When a woman gets on an elevator alone with me, my skin crawls and I have to center myself in order to avoid a panic attack. I don’t see that as “a good thing in disguise” either.

In an attempt to explain her reasoning, V notes the rise in men reporting and increased coverage of male survivors:

Men now have to stop and think twice. Maybe this isn’t on a large scale yet, maybe it never will be. But, it’s starting. Men now have to worry about the same things women do, even if on a smaller scale yet, and it’s being reported in the media more and more.
Soon, I would not be surprised if men decide it is within even their own best interests if they crack down on rapists, if they treat it as less of a joke and more of a problem that could effect them and their family just as easily as it could effect the prostitute on the street corner, the drunk co-ed at the frat party she shouldn’t be at, the too-flirtatious girl in her boyfriend’s car, the high school cheerleader after school wearing a miniskirt in the 7-11 and parked away from the windows and cameras.

Stop and think twice? You bet. I struggle with trust issues regarding women on a regular basis. I doubt that is the desired effect though. As far as cracking down on rapists goes, the overwhelmingly vast majority of men are NOT rapists. The problem isn't men, it is those individuals who commit rape and those individuals who enable them by either looking the other way, minimizing the experiences of survivors or preventing justice from being served.

I don’t see how my experiences could ever been seen as “a good thing in disguise”. Maybe I'm a little bit pissy today, but this really got under my skin.

Relevant Links:

http://subterfusex.wordpress.com/2010/11/22/hes-asking-for-it/

Originally published at:

http://jameslandrith.com/content/view/3754/79/

A Real Perspective on Prison Rape

2011-01-29T16:26:00.000-06:00

Miska of SCUM-O-RAMA! discusses prison rape in "lets get some perspective":

"if men really seriously have a problem with prison rape (and its obvious they dont, otherwise they wouldnt joke about it so flippantly all the time), then I guess they should stop raping other men in prison or something. CRAZY SOLUTION, I KNOW."

As a rape survivor myself and a supporter of the Prison Rape Elimination Act, I can attest to the fact that there are many real men and women devoted to ending prison rape andwilling to discuss it in a serious and mature manner, rather than just the manchild(s) that Miska has been unfortunately exposed to and describes above. I'm not gonna play the survivor statistics minimization game that many find so fulfilling as one survivor of any type is just plain one survivor too many. Silencing the voice of any survivor for any reason and making sweeping generalizations is an abhorrent thought to me and I'm grateful that the major survivor advocacy groups refuse to engage in such disgusting behaviour.

Just Detention International is one very serious organization with regard to the abolition of prison rape for all inmates and they’ve done a great deal of work in that area. I’d recommend that anyone truly interested in ending prison rape give their website and advocacy works a view. A summary of their mission statement is below:

"Cases of sexual abuse in detention are not rare, isolated incidents, but the result of a systemic failure to protect the safety of inmates. Victims of prisoner rape are left beaten and bloodied, contract HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases, and suffer severe psychological harm. Once released – and the vast majority of prisoners do eventually get out – they return to their communities with all of their physical and emotional scars."

It is not about the statistics or who has it worse. Oppression Olympics are an ugly, minimizing and childish way to score "points." Rape of any kind, against anyone, is a human rights tragedy and I have a real problem when I see it defended, used as a form of mockery or turned into a weapon to silence survivors based on gender, regardless of who the offending apologist is at that moment. A recent coalition letter (disclosure: signed by me as well) that included survivor advocates like RAINN, JDI and other organizations from across the political spectrum is available on my website. Any readers truly interested in helping prison rape survivors and have the time to give, could make an impact supporting the work of JDI.

Feel free to leave comments here or in the Current Events forum at Pandora's Aquarium if you are a member.

Relevant Links:

Originally published at:

http://jameslandrith.com/content/view/3753/79/

Vengeance, Is Thy Name Entertainment?

2011-01-29T16:25:00.000-06:00

rainsinger at Rain's Place has an interesting blog entry on "Women’s ‘Revenge’ Films":

One of my favourite genres of all, films where women "return fire", usually for rape/assault, but also for other forms of male violence-against-women, occasionally revenge for men’s betrayals in other forms, eg setting up women to take the fall for crimes. These films may, or may not, include female kick-butt action – but my group of favourite revenge-flicks refers mainly to those films where the main themes and storylines, revolve around women taking action against male abuse, (and ‘win’) regardless of any action/violence content.

The list and film descriptions were a bit triggering and hard to read, yet fascinating at the same time. My difficulty regarding the list is related to my own experience at the hands of a female rapist. I've often wondered if she randomly targeted me as payback for what someone else did to her. As I cannot ask her why at this point, I can only conjecture. Regardless of her rationale, she committed a henious and disgusting act against another human being and I don't owe her an ounce of sympathy for her possibly misdirected vengeance. Nor does she have the right to expect otherwise.

That said, back the topic at hand. I've seen some of the films and read about some of the others. I've often wondered how therapeutic such films may be to certain survivors of sexual or domestic violence. While I object to the clearly exploitative nature of most of the rape scenes in such films, to include the gratuitious nudity, I still wonder if there is any value to be mined from the genre for survivors of sexual violence. Obviously, trigger warnings and watching at your own risk apply regardless. As I moderate the entertainment section of a popular online forum for sexual violence survivors, I've seen both pros and cons posted in the threads about such films. In the end, it will be up to the individual as to what they can tolerate and the value they may attach to such films. Before you flame me, I'm NOT recommending and I'm NOT not recommending such films. Mmmkay?

So, what do you think?

You can leave your comments here, or join the discussion in the Entertainment forums at Pandora's Aquarium.

Relevant Links:

Rain's Place: "Women's 'Revenge' Films" - http://rainsinger.wordpress.com/2011/01/16/womens-revenge-films/
Pandora's Aquarium - http://pandys.org/forums/index.php?act=idx

Originally published at:

http://jameslandrith.com/content/view/3752/79/

Wounding With Words 101

2011-01-29T16:22:00.000-06:00

From time to time, rape survivors are confronted by callous or unintentionally invalidating remarks by friends, family, colleagues, fellow survivors or random strangers. Sometimes input has been solicited and is in response to disclosures by the survivor. Just as often, the invalidating words come from people who lack the self-control and maturity to keep their mouths shut if they just cannot muster the compassion to be understanding or supportive. While we all make mistakes and sometimes unintentionally say things that hurt, there are others who go out of their way to hurt survivors.

Below, I've supplied a short list of some invalidating comments that I've been treated to over the years since I began to work on my own healing:

From a random female survivor: "At some point you must have wanted it."

Yeah, I really wanted to be drugged, raped and blackmailed. Do me a favor and don't tell me what I did and did not want. Did you want to be raped? Or cannot you just not get past that fact that a woman can use her vagina to rape a man same as a man can use his penis? Is your brain really that inflexible and your bias so ingrained? Apparently so.

A frequent comment from well-meaning friends and acquaintances: "You need to get over it" and "That still bothers you?"

Yeah, it works just like that. It is just like stubbing your toe. You just get over it - like magic. Kindly never say something that naive and ridiculous again. Thank you.

From another female survivor: "I don't understand why you didn't just say no BEFORE you went to sleep."

UMMMMM, what part of DRUGGED AND UNABLE TO CONSENT is so hard for you to understand you fucking clueless wonder????

Countless "tough" guys: "I'd have thrown her off" or "I'd have kicked that bitch's ass." And on and on in standard tough guy voice.

Yeah, I'm so sure that you'd have risked hurting a pregnant woman and her fetus in order to maintain your precious status as an alpha male wannabe tough guy. How about you shut up and go back to your action movies and six pack of whatever beer happens to be cheapest this week. I don't need your input nor do you have anything intelligent to impart.

From yet another invalidating female survivor: "I'd like to hear her side of it."

Why does my rapist get a vote? Because she has a vagina? So that makes it okay to look for excuses to rationalize what she did??? How about no, you don't get to "hear her side of it" anymore than I would insist upon hearing from the man who raped you, lest I invalidate your pain.

I'm gonna stop here as I am beginning to become triggered and very angry. This vent felt good though and I've resolved to do it more often. However, I would like to thank those secondary survivors who help us to heal and make sure you know that your sacrifice and commitment does not go unnoticed. So, thank you.

For secondary survivors (supporters) and other survivors interested, some resources are supplied below on how to support the survivor in your life. Being a supporter is hard work and can be extremely stressful at times, so be sure to explore the resources on how to self-care as well.

Relevant Links:

Pandora's Project: For Friends, Family & Partners of Rape & Sexual Abuse Survivors
http://www.pandys.org/secondarysurvivors.html

Resurrection After Rape: A Man's Guide to Helping a Woman who's been Raped
http://www.resurrectionafterrape.org/media/Rape%20-%20mens%20guide.pdf

Resurrection After Rape: A Parent's Guide to Helping a Daughter who's been Raped
http://www.resurrectionafterrape.org/media/Rape%20-parents%20guide.pdf

Resurrection After Rape: Things NOT to say to a Survivor
http://www.resurrectionafterrape.org/media/Things%20Not%20to%20Say%20to%20a%20Survivor.pdf

MaleSurvivor: Suggestions for Partners
http://www.malesurvivor.org/docs/Oprah.comSuggestionsforPartners.doc

Originally published at:

http://jameslandrith.com/content/view/3731/79/