Whenever I start working with a new client, I have the same conversation: how do we reframe your goals and expectations to support meaningful and sustainable change and growth. We cannot feel better right away - that is unrealistic and often unhelpful.

We often don't seek help until we are in a deep space of despair and anguish. We feel overwhelmed with pain and distress and long for a "fix" or solution to make everything better or resolved. We need to get back to riding ourselves into the ground so make this pain go away as quickly as possible - and with the least amount of time and effort. I often refer to this as the hunt for a "band-aid solution."

By doing this, we are setting avoidant goals, meaning, "I just want to be anywhere but here, so give me whatever you've got."

We believe we should be able to fix "it" — whatever "it" is — and that we just have to work harder to choose happiness.

We set impossible standards and then get upset when things don't happen as quickly as we think they should.

The anger is quickly overridden with shame. We did everything the Buzzfeed article said would help us feel more confident at work or the TikTok video said would make us feel less anxious. Why don't I feel better?

Meaningful change doesn't work this way.

It's a series of 1% changes that accumulate over time and with numerous setbacks and swerves along the way.

Change is a progressive erosion of maladaptive and shame-based thinking patterns that require us to generate insight before engaging in intentional action.

For decades, the stories that anchor us in unhappiness and disconnection have been there. They can't be rewritten in a day, a week, or in many cases, even a year or 2.

Change takes time. It means shifting our focus from output-driven to progress-driven living.

We have to get clear on and dive deep into our pain before genuinely healing it. This means making more space for self-exploration and curiosity.

We must shift from "anywhere but here" thinking to defining where we want to go and who we want to be.

• What pressure have you been putting on yourself to be "further ahead" or to see changes in your life that might not be reasonable?

• What thoughts and internalized "rules" do you have to let go of to better make space for that self-nurturance, curiosity, and reflection needed to truly establish new connections and live a life you can thrive in?

Stop ascribing judgment to yourself for not "being better" after one therapy session or reading a few books.

Get clear on your actual problem:

• Where is the source of your pain and stuckness?

• How is it affecting you?

• What do you want to do about it -- and what are you willing to do about it?

• What do you need to make this change, and how will your life be different?

Now, focus your work on the next 1% change. What do you have to do to get to the next mile marker? Share your next steps with us on the comments and of course, any insights and ahas that you have with all of this as well.

READY TO TAKE THE NEXT STEP?

• Download the FREE handout, "5 Things Shame Resilient People Do Every Day" and start making those daily shifts to break that shame cycle that's keeping you stuck in that negative headspace.

• Book a FREE 25-minute discovery call to discuss different program options and find the support best fits your needs.

STAY CONNECTED:

• Join my email list

• Subscribe to my YouTube

• Check out my podcast, Untethering Shame, podcast on Spotify or Apple Podcasts and be sure to leave a review to let us know your thoughts on this episode.

• “Why is grass green?”

• “What’s lightning?”

• “Why do we have snot?”

• “Why do we die?”

• “Why do only some foods stain?”

• “Why do I yell when I get mad?”

These are just some of the questions Everly has asked in the past week. Her quest — to make sense of the world around her. Her willingness to explore and uncover truths and possibilities is constant.

Unfortunately, curiosity is a trait that gets conditioned out of us.

The older we get, the more we accept things at face value and get comfortable with predictability.

We prioritize certainty and conformity. We resolve to allow external systems to define our values, goals, and ideals. We stop questioning. We take positions on situations we don’t fully understand or, worse yet, become apathetic to taking any position. We begin to assume a life of black and white and slowly lose sight of — or at least stop seeking out — the gray.

Many of you have set resolutions based on this idea. You’ve designed your life around this concept. Some external pressure system has created a belief in you that if you can do and be “X,” you will be happier, healthier, and more fulfilled. Instead of asking any questions or exploring what happy, healthy and fulfilled mean to you, you just say, “Okay — I’ll do that.”

And when you can’t live up to ideals and circumstances, you aren’t even sure if you want anyway, shame is right there waiting to tell you all of the reasons its your fault and that you should just accept you will always be less.

But here is the thing, your view, experience and value in the world can only be discovered by you.

I have no idea what will make you happy, healthy or fulfilled. Sure, I have some general ideas but life is not like Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. There is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to life design.

Instead of just doing — going through the motions or setting goals and resolutions you should be doing — stop. Ask a few questions. Get lost in “why’s” and “what’s”:

• Why do you want “X”?

• What does happiness look like for you?

• What led you to choose this career?

• Why aren’t you satisfied?

• What’s missing?

• What makes life feel less?

• What inspires you?

• Why are you here?

• Why do I always feel like it’s my job to apologize?

• Why is this the deadline?

• And why is it we can’t be flexible?

Now, take it deeper. Get curious about your values and beliefs.

• Why do you identify as a democrat/republican/other? Is that ever too broad? What would it mean if you didn’t have a position on something? Can you ever stand in opposition to it? What about other aspects of your identity?

• What makes you feel like there is only one answer? Why do we have to choose in so many areas where there seems to be a multitude of possibilities?

• Why do we live in a world where being right feels so important? Why am I scared of being wrong, failing or being made to feel less than?

• Why is the health and fitness industry 60+ billion dollars and yet we still struggle with so many things related to health and wellness?

• Why do I want this promotion? What value have I ascribed to this?

This year, permit yourself to be a toddler. It’s okay. You don’t have to have an answer.

Curiosity is about exploration, not judgment. Allow the possibility of wonder without having to find a resolution.

What if some things weren’t as easy as they seem? Can you ever allow things to exist unanswered? And can the answers evolve as you grow and your experience of the world continues to expand with it?

Let us know in the comments a why question you are sitting with. What is something you want to make more space to consider and be curious about?

READY TO TAKE THE NEXT STEP?

• Download the FREE handout, "5 Things Shame Resilient People Do Every Day" and start making those daily shifts to break that shame cycle that's keeping you stuck in that negative headspace.

• Book a FREE 25-minute discovery call to discuss different program options and find the support best fits your needs.

STAY CONNECTED:

• Join my email list

• Subscribe to my YouTube

• Check out my podcast, Untethering Shame, podcast on Spotify or Apple Podcasts and be sure to leave a review to let us know your thoughts on this episode.

You all remember those 2020 phrases:

"Oh, how wonderful you can be home and spend this time with your kids" or "It's so great how much more productive I can be now."

Don't get me wrong. We need to find joy and anchor on the positive aspects of our lives, especially during a crisis. But the pressure to be "fine" and have it together all of the time can lead to "toxic positivity."

WHAT IS "TOXIC POSITIVITY"?

It's the overemphasis and application of being happy and optimistic in our lives - like trying to cover a turd with rainbow glitter and pretend it isn’t still a turd. Sure, it may look nicer but nothing has actually changed. And while this can offer temporary relief — and is a great pocket tool for toddlers to help distract or change their focus — it’s incredibly ineffective when it comes to overall change, healing and connection.

WHY?

Because it denies the depth of human experience and the ebb and flow of emotions. It perpetuates the "Polyanna" vibe of blind optimism and pressures you to deny or minimize your feelings. This self-invalidation process is a fuel source for shame. It can lead to an even greater sense of judgment and internal conflict when maintaining this sense of outward optimism but feeling overwhelmed by anger, sadness, and resentment lying within.

Over time, this sentiment can extend outwards and into your relationships with others. We become intolerant to distress and use phrases like, "Look on the bright side," "It could be worse," "You don't realize how lucky you are," or "everything happens for a reason." We deny grief, sidestep the issues before us, and continue to further the "pull yourself up by your bootstrap mentality" by negating the right one has to feel down, stuck, and overwhelmed.

SO WHAT CAN WE DO?

We need to make space for both - feeling the pain and living beyond it. Remember, feelings are not an either/or — good or bad. They are a complex web of experiences and are each designed to ebb and flow in our lives.

The next time you hear yourself saying one of those key toxic positivity phrases - to yourself or someone else - try using a both/and statement. Hold the reality of things being hard and consider what you can and will do.

Ex. "Look on the bright side" could become, "I know things are hard right now. What is one thing we can do to help it feel less hard?"

Or

"Things happen for a reason." might become, "I am so sorry this is happening right now. What do you need?"

Or

"Think of all of the people who have it worse," could become, "I know it can feel hard to see your pain without judgment because you can feel like you 'should' be fine. And it is perfectly normal and reasonable to not be fine. It is not about comparing one's suffering to others or putting a smile on our face. It is about seeing the universal human experience that connects us in that we all suffer and we can work through our individual and collective pain together."

ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR PAIN.

Honestly, name it. When things are hard, let them be hard. Some things downright suck. It is both okay and necessary to make space for that. It does not mean it will consume you or that you will get stuck there. It also doesn’t mean you can’t be just as productive, successful or present in your life. You get to feel however you feel AND keep living your life. It’s just about integrating it all so you can live a full life not a performance based one. And once you learn how to do this, it will make finding gratitude and joy easier because it can be genuine and not forced or mixed up in a swirl of pretending.

Let us know in the comments what you are taking with you from this episode — perhaps even leave something here. A pressured thought or expectation, maybe?

Ready to take the next step?

• Download the FREE handout, "5 Things Shame Resilient People Do Every Day" and start making those daily shifts to break that shame cycle that's keeping you stuck in that negative headspace.

• Book a FREE 25-minute discovery call to discuss different program options and find the support best fits your needs.

Stay Connected:

• Join my email list

• Subscribe to my YouTube

• Check out my podcast, Untethering Shame, podcast on Spotify or Apple Podcasts and be sure to leave a review to let us know your thoughts on this episode.

How can we live in a world where we use schedules and systems to optimize our lives while also making time to play, explore, and make space to actually connect with and respond to what our body is asking for?

Planning is great, but it is entirely logical.

We have to consider our emotional and physical selves in the equation and learn to broaden our understanding of commitment and productivity.

We can be scheduled without becoming rigid. We can make a plan while allowing fluidity and flexibility.

• How can you make more space for openness and spontaneity?

• What does it look like to find the balance between scheduled and unscheduled, controlled and uncontrolled?

• What would it look like to assess how you feel when you look at your plan and adjust to ensure you are getting what you need and want while also staying the course on your goals and intentions?

The idea of always giving 100% consumes us. But the problem is not that we want to give 100%.

The problem is that we keep assuming 100% is some objective level of performance and that it does not ebb and flow.

We equate it with perpetual motion and a focus on doing rather than being.

100% is subjective and can’t be measured based on how we think others expect us to perform or by trying to conform to these ridiculous expectations.

We need to slow down, turn inward, and ask ourselves what is reasonable to expect of ourselves today.

Ask yourself, “What does 100% look like today?”

If it's getting out of bed and taking a shower, then that is your 100% that day. If it is taking on that big project you have been overwhelmed to do, then that is 100%. Maybe it's taking a moment to be with loved ones or getting into bed at a reasonable time.

Whatever it is, celebrate it. Own it. And be kind to yourself.

“We all feel…”

“I asked 3 other people and they all agreed with me that…”

While there are times a “we” is helpful, in many cases, it is a power tactic. If we feel uncomfortable or nervous in an interaction, it’s hard to speak from our own position. It’s difficult to own our wants or feelings and see them as valid on their own. Instead, we use the “we” to try and convince someone else to see us as right, accept our assertion or legitimize our position.

This is not only unhelpful as it perpetuates the belief you are not worthy of asserting yourself without the support or buy in from others but its also abusive.

It’s nothing but a bullying tactic.

We can only speak from our own experience or perception.

"I" statements are inclusive and allow for the other party to feel as though they can share more openly, distinguishing between perception and intention.

Choose the latter.

We have no idea what is in store for us when and if we make the changes, do the work, or “go for it”. But we do know that doing nothing delivers nothing but a predictably crappy life stagnated by shame and fear that we will spend the rest of our lives complaining about and trying to escape from.

Need some help figuring out exactly what you want your life to look like?

1. First, get clear on the role shame is playing in your life.

2. Then, make space to visualize a future self that isn’t completely overrun by “shoulds”.

3. Next, get clear on the values that drive you and connect them to this future self.

4. Finally, assess how you are currently spending your primary resources — time, money and energy — and what needs to change with your investments to help you align your beliefs and actions to this future self.

It’s the process that helps create separation and intentionality. We stop allowing our minutes, hours, days and weeks to blend. We take notice of given moments and reflect on the past and future that book ends each side.

If you are anything like me, you may be amazed at what comes up when you simply allow yourself just to be for a minute or 2.

“WHY WE DO THE THINGS WE DO IS OFTENTIMES MORE IMPORTANT THAN WHAT WE ACTUALLY DO.”

Throughout our lives, we inherit scripts from those around us — how to act, what to fear, who we are supposed to be…the list goes on. The stories we’re told when we’re young shape us throughout our lives and become the foundation for our emerging who, what and why.

Now, in some instances and areas of our lives, this is incredibly helpful. We learn important stories, life lessons, and basics in communication, societal norms, etc.

But this is not true in all cases. And even in some of the possibilities above, there is a lot of grey area for which unhelpful scripts can enter the picture. For example, most of us struggle with communication. That is not a genetic problem. We are not predetermined to be problem communicators. That is something modeled and learned over time and unfortunately, can have long term consequences both personally and professionally.

In addition to our communication style, our sense of self, values, ideals and most perceptions of the world are also learned and heavily influence by the external forces around us. What it means to be a “good” kid, student, friend, partner, etc; what values we are supposed to have and how we spend our time and act in accordance with those values; and how much weight to put on acceptance and reassurance from others are all potential yellow flag zones when it comes to our development.

WHERE DO THESE SCRIPTS COME FROM?

Most of us assume that parents and caregivers are the “guilty parties”. And while many of our scripts do originate from our early attachment figures/caregivers, we are also incredibly influenced by our peers, other adults, the cultural norms and community “guidelines” — whether that be in your neighborhood, church or social groups, city, or the world at large — and institutions all formulate the belief systems that get intertwined into our narratives. The idea of success, value and worth in our culture is all influenced by these different sources and as such, our motivations and goals become synonymous with these pressures we face. “I can only be successful if I pick ‘X’ career”; “My value is dependent on how I look/how many friends I have/my grades/what others think of me/etc.”; “This is what I am supposed to be doing” or “This should be important to me” all become stories we tell ourselves.

THE PROBLEM?

These beliefs infiltrate our emerging sense of self before we are even old enough to think critically about them and without a sense of choice or opportunity for reflection but rather a pressure to conform or adhere to them. Without assessing if they truly fit for us, we do not really know if this is what we want, will support us or will lead us in a direction of self-efficacy and the cultivation of a healthy self esteem.

And, what’s more, the systems we engage in all work to reinforce this — acting like conveyor belts of conformity for family systems, education and career goals and development, etc. And over time, these scripts become so deeply embedded within us, we cannot distinguish the original authors from ourselves and as such, succumb to these beliefs and norms as necessary, self-driven or “our only choice”.

THE OUTCOME?

Our goals, intentions and dreams all originate from the scripts we hold about ourselves, our values, and what it means to be connected, successful and of value in the world. When we become so deeply entrenched in the scripts of others and/or other external forces, each of these components all lines up with this same feedback loop — ultimately leading to “What do I need to do to maintain my place and role in the culture I exist in?”

For the longest time, I was in pursuit of becoming a doctor. After 3 MCATS, lots of rejections, thousands of dollars, and so many chemistry and physics flashcards, I finally realized it was not what I wanted. But I honestly cannot tell you where the idea ever came from that this is who I wanted to be. Being honest with myself, I never found the idea that exciting — I hate needles, blood and bodies gross me out, I don’t like working for someone else or in institutions, and have no spark of joy or interest in the subject matter. And yet, I told myself that is what I had to do for over 15 years. Whether it was familial pressures growing up in a family where the norm was college and success was more rooted in what you did, living in a culture that perpetuates a scale of success based on the letters after your name, salary or title you hold, or the reinforcement and support I got from those around me, I have no clue where the drive came from but looking back, I know it was from scripts I had inherited.

And this has not just happened in my professional life — I stayed in relationships that were “safe” and “right, wore the clothes or invested my time and energy into the things that made you “cool”, set goals or made choices based on what others wanted me to do or was seen as convenient, the standard or normal for someone like me, and hid any information about myself that was not inline with the status quo.

My aspirations, goals, dreams and actions all reflected back this shame-based narrative that was written for me and I had assumed was necessary to exist in in order to be “okay”. My values were reflective of what I thought I “should” value and were even defined based on what others saw as fit.

To have a value of “leadership”, “family” or “balance” can mean thousands of different things. It is not just about clarity of what our values are but clarity in how we define them. For me, I tended to overvalue values people around me had and/or wrote definitions based on what I saw others investing in or focusing on. For example, viewing “success” as making a certain amount of money, having an honorable job title, meeting milestones “on time” and/or having the “ideal” body. None of those things truly matter to me as a human but for years I told myself they did.

HOW DO you KNOW IF THIS IS SOMETHING you STRUGGLE WITH?

You do. Plain and simple. You are human which means you face the pressures of the world we live in and have, over time, developed belief systems and narratives that have been informed for you and have become so ingrained within you, you cannot separate from them without great fear, uncertainty and shame.

WHAT CAN you DO ABOUT IT?

Start by giving yourself permission to get curious about these narratives without judgment. Again, this is a product of being human. And the scripts we inherit are not “good” or “bad” — they all teach us something about ourselves, our loved ones and the world. In many instances, we assume stories and scripts that are incredibly powerful and helpful and guide us to become self-evident and supported.

So, instead, it is about thinking how these narratives influence us and if they are serving us in who we ultimately want to be or become. For example, I understand that we are a culture that promotes independence through conformity. That is not inherently bad, it just does not work for me. For example, I do not need to value “success” in the ways I was taught or came to believe in order to be successful. But that does not mean that this definition might not align with someone else’s ideals and goals.

And once you have made space to be open and curious, start by analyzing the language you are currently using to describe your goals, intentions and dreams. Uncover and get curious about what motivates you and not only answer the question “why?” but “where did that come from?”.

TO DO THIS…

I CREATED A VIDEO ON “UNDERSTANDING THE POWER OF LANGUAGE AND MOTIVATION” TO HELP YOU THINK MORE CRITICALLY ABOUT THIS.

From there, it is important to then go back and sort through these scripts with greater curiosity and scrutiny. Really think about where they came from and the role they have and currently play in your life. Ask yourself what it would look like to let these pieces go and what fears you have about writing new scripts and narratives.

Ready to take this work even deeper?

If you are tired of piecemealing the work together and feeling stuck with exactly what to do and how to go about it, check out my immersive 5-Phase program, "That Life / AR" that is designed to walk you through the 5 steps involved in making any meaningful and sustainable life change.

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The fear of being seen is overwhelming.

We spend years hiding our true selves — making sure that no one can see our flaws — real or perceived. The idea of letting anyone in is frightening.

What will they think of me?

Will they judge me?

Will they leave?

Our shame leads us to believe the only outcome is pain, rejection, and loneliness. Why? Because it operates under the assumption that you are unworthy, unlovable, and undeserving unless…[FILL IN THE BLANK].

Unless you look a certain way. Unless you hold certain beliefs. Unless you act a certain way. Ultimately, unless you make up for your inadequacies by acting and doing in a way that prioritizes the needs and wants of others over your own, making everyone else the primary character in your story.

WE PERFORM TO CONFORM — THE CULT OF THE AVERAGE BEING THE DESTINATION. AND THE MORE I FEAR BEING SEEN, THE GREATER THAT PERFORMANCE BECOMES.

The long term effects of this behavior are detrimental. We lose our sense of selves, become lonely, resentful, and in a state of constant hypervigilance as the performance is made up of thousands of lies delicately weaved around this shell of a self and are constantly under threat of being unraveled.

And yet, we continue down this path because even though it is based on a lie, that sense of connection amidst the predictable sh*ttyness feels safer than hanging up the mask. The certainty in the unhappiness feels safer than the uncertainty of living as our true selves. We must maintain rather than grow, learn, evolve, and be seen.

HOW DO WE FIND THE STRENGTH TO BREAK THIS CYCLE?

By taking it 1% at a time. You’ve spent decades crafting and perfecting this performance — likely unclear at times what parts are really you and what parts you have come to believe are really you.

To build a sense of trust, strength, and self-efficacy, we need to go slow to shift out of the performance and into our own storyline. We scrape the layers off piece by piece, section by section. And while this will take a longer time, the success rate is much higher as this process allows you to continually build upon your sense of self-efficacy and push yourself to do hard things without overwhelming your nervous system with anxiety and fear.

SO, WHAT’S THE NEXT STEP?

1. Spend time in the insight phase. Get to know who you really are and what you stand for. Who is the “you” underneath the performance? Getting clear on the delineation between the true versus performance self is key as it will allow you to begin to reflect on how to bridge the gap between these two selves.

2. Take small action steps. Begin to perform micro experiments or small exposures where you allow your true self to be seen. Answer the question, “What do you want for dinner?” with what you really want. Give honest feedback at work. Start with the lowest rungs on the ladder or things that will cause you the least amount of distress. This allows you to build your confidence and self-efficacy to begin to move on to higher stakes exposures.

3. Untether yourself. Detach your self-assessment from the responses and reactions of others. One of my favorite concepts I find myself coming back to time and time again is, what you think of me is none of my business. How someone reacts to me is not more important than who I am and how I am showing up in the space. I have to feel solid in who I am and my intention in all I do. If, at the end of the day, I can honestly say I showed up to my day with good intention and kindness — for myself and others — the rest does not matter.

4. Sit in discomfort. Learn to tolerate your own distress because it is important you keep going, even when it feels hard. Remember, so much of this is about rewiring the brain not to retreat when we feel scared or overwhelmed. It is about making sure that we can sit in that long enough to force our brain to wire new patterns.

5. Develop a self-care practice. This work is intense and requires significant commitment. It is not a one and done thing but a lifelong journey of self-awareness and discovery. You cannot be in perpetual motion. Sometimes, you have to rest. Sometimes, you have to give yourself permission to stay in a part of the performance as this may be the safest place to be for a while. Sometimes, you have to practice flexible grace with yourself and know that this journey is unforetold and that sometimes plans change, we “fail” and we have the opportunity to try again but only if we can show up with love for ourselves.

6. Do it together. This is a universally experienced dilemma. No one is immune to the pressures of conformity and the power of shame. Find an accountability-buddy to work on this with and who you can find strength in each other’s journeys, pain points, successes, and stagnancies.

7. Ask for help. I am here. I mean it. I cannot do it for you but I can walk with you while you move through this process. All you have to do is ask for help.

READY TO take the next step?

If you are tired of piece mealing the work together and feeling stuck with exactly what to do and how to go about it, check out my immersive program, "That Life / AR" designed to walk you through the 5 steps involved in making any meaningful and sustainable life change.

There is a pervasive worry that by taking care of themselves, perhaps taking some distance in a relationship or limiting the role they take on, that they are being mean, bad or hurtful.

And it makes sense, when so many of us have built our sense of self on the belief that taking care of others is our job. It is on us to make sure everyone else is okay and taken care of, no matter the cost.

So of course, the notion of setting a boundary, such as not going to your family’s holiday get together or stepping back from the “fixer” role with your aging parent, feels completely foreign and inaccessible. We couldn’t possibly do that.

But here’s an important point you deserve to hold on to:

You can have boundaries and still be a kind person.

Healthy boundaries are not punishments but instead, invitations for others to connect with you on a deeper, more authentic level.

If you don’t want to do something, that’s okay. If you can’t say yes to everyone, you are not a bad person. Everyone has a different set of circumstances, time and energy availability, values and goals. It’s completely unreasonable that any one two people will be in complete alignment at a given time.

So instead of focusing on whether or not people will be upset with you or think you are mean, can you resolve to the fact that not everyone will like you, be okay with the choices you make or support you. That’s okay. Choose you anyway.

The stories we are told when we are young shape us throughout our lives and become the foundation for our emerging who, what and why.

Now, in some instances and areas of our lives, this is incredibly helpful. We learn important stories, life lessons, and basics in communication, societal norms, etc.

But this is not universally positive. Even in the above points, there is a ton of gray area through which unhelpful scripts can enter the picture. For example, most of us struggle with communication. That is not a genetic problem. We are not predetermined to be problem communicators. That is something modeled and learned over time and unfortunately, can have long term consequences both personally and professionally.

In addition to our communication style, our sense of self, values, ideals and most perceptions of the world are also learned and heavily influence by the external forces around us. What it means to be a “good” kid, student, friend, partner, etc; what values we are supposed to have and how we spend our time and act in accordance with those values; and how much weight to put on acceptance and reassurance from others are all potential yellow flag zones when it comes to our development.

WHERE DO THESE SCRIPTS COME FROM?

Most of us assume that parents and caregivers are the “guilty parties”. And while many of our scripts do originate from our early attachment figures/caregivers, we are also incredibly influenced by our peers, other adults, the cultural norms and community “guidelines” — whether that be in your neighborhood, church or social groups, city, or the world at large — and institutions all formulate the belief systems that get intertwined into our narratives. The idea of success, value and worth in our culture is all influenced by these different sources and as such, our motivations and goals become synonymous with these pressures we face. “I can only be successful if I pick ‘X’ career”; “My value is dependent on how I look/how many friends I have/my grades/what others think of me/etc.”; “This is what I am supposed to be doing” or “This should be important to me” all become stories we tell ourselves.

THE PROBLEM?

These beliefs infiltrate are emerging sense of self before we are even old enough to think critically about them and without a sense of choice or opportunity for reflection but rather a pressure to conform or adhere to them. And without assessing if they truly fit for us, we do not really know if this is what we want, will support us or will lead us in a direction of self-efficacy and the cultivation of a healthy self esteem.

And, what’s more, the systems we engage in all work to reinforce this — acting like conveyor belts for conformity for family systems, education and career goals and development, etc. And over time, these scripts become so deeply embedded within us, we cannot distinguish the original authors from ourselves and as such, succumb to these beliefs and norms as necessary, self-driven or “our only choice”.

THE OUTCOME?

Our goals, intentions and dreams all originate from the scripts we hold about ourselves, our values, and what it means to be connected, successful and of value in the world. When we become so deeply entrenched in the scripts of others and/or other external forces, each of these components all lines up with this same feedback loop — ultimately leading to “What do I need to do to maintain my place and role in the culture I exist in?”

For the longest time, I was going to be doctor. After 3 MCATS, lots of rejections, thousands of dollars, and so many chemistry and physics flashcards, I finally realized it was not what I wanted.

But I honestly cannot tell you where the idea ever came from that this is who I wanted to be. Being honest with myself, I never found the idea that exciting — I hate needles, blood and bodies gross me out, I don’t like working for someone else or in institutions, and have no spark of joy or interest in the subject matter.

And yet, I told myself that is what I had to do for over 15 years. Whether it was familial pressures growing up in a family where the norm was college and success was more rooted in what you did, living in a culture that perpetuates a scale of success based on the letters after your name, salary or title you hold, or the reinforcement and support I got from those around me, I have no clue where the drive came from but looking back, I know it was from scripts I had inherited.

And this has not just happened in my professional life — I stayed in relationships that were “safe” and “right, wore the clothes or invested my time and energy into the things that made you “cool”, set goals or made choices based on what others wanted me to do or was seen as convenient, the standard or normal for someone like me, and hid any information about myself that was not inline with the status quo.

My aspirations, goals, dreams and actions all reflected back this shame-based narrative that was written for me and I had assumed was necessary to exist in in order to be “okay”. My values were reflective of what I thought I “should” value and were even defined based on what others saw as fit.

To have a value of “leadership”, “family” or “balance” can mean thousands of different things. It is not just about clarity of what our values are but clarity in how we define them. For me, I tended to overvalue values people around me had and/or wrote definitions based on what I saw others investing in or focusing on. For example, viewing “success” as making a certain amount of money, having an honorable job title, meeting milestones “on time” and/or having the “ideal” body. None of those things truly matter to me as a human but for years I told myself they did.

HOW DO you KNOW IF THIS IS SOMETHING you STRUGGLE WITH?

You do. Plain and simple. You are human which means you face the pressures of the world we live in and have, over time, developed belief systems and narratives that have been informed for you and have become so ingrained within you, you cannot separate from them without great fear, uncertainty and shame.

WHAT CAN WE DO ABOUT IT?

Start by giving yourself permission to get curious about these narratives without judgment. Again, this is a product of being human. And the scripts we inherit are not “good” or “bad” — they all teach us something about ourselves, our loved ones and the world. In many instances, we assume stories and scripts that are incredibly powerful and helpful and guide us to become self-evident and supported.

So, instead, it is about thinking how these narratives influence us and if they are serving us in who we ultimately want to be or become. For example, I understand that we are a culture that promotes independence through conformity. That is not inherently bad, it just does not work for me. For example, I do not need to value “success” in the ways I was taught or came to believe in order to be successful. But that does not mean that this definition might not align with someone else’s ideals and goals.

And once you have made space to be open and curious, start by analyzing the language you are currently using to describe your goals, intentions and dreams. Uncover and get curious about what motivates you and not only answer the question “why?” but “where did that come from?”.

TO DO THIS…

I CREATED A VIDEO ON “UNDERSTANDING THE POWER OF LANGUAGE AND MOTIVATION” TO HELP YOU THINK MORE CRITICALLY ABOUT THIS.

From there, it is important to then go back and sort through these scripts with greater curiosity and scrutiny. Really think about where they came from and the role they have and currently play in your life. Ask yourself what it would look like to let these pieces go and what fears you have about writing new scripts and narratives.

INSPIRED TO GO DEEPER AND REALLY ENACT CHANGE IN YOUR LIFE?

If you are tired of piecemealing the work together and feeling stuck with exactly what to do and how to go about it, check out my immersive 5-Phase program, "THAT LIFE / AR" that is designed to walk you through the 5 steps involved in making any meaningful and sustainable life change.

You are not alone.

THIS IS THE TRAP OF A RUNNING TO-DO LIST.

Honestly, I wonder how much time is spent writing, rewriting, transferring, staring at, walking away from, tossing, and rewriting our to do lists? Sometimes it is an attempt to organize our thoughts and sometimes it feels like the only thing I can do in the midst of the overwhelm — I may not be getting anything done but at least my to do list looks pretty, right?

And of course, we know where anxiety and overwhelm show up, shame is never far behind. So then, on top of the existing angst, we lose even more time and energy in the battle of negative self talk, engaging in endless ballads of self-flagellation for what we haven’t done while spending more time in the “not doing” phase.

WHAT GIVES?!?

But the reality is, we can’t just walk away. Or, I guess we could but at what cost? Instead, I think it is about finding a different way to engage with the daily “doing”.

Any of you who have worked with me know that I do not believe in simply shifting from “busy” to “productive”. Sure, productivity is a key part of the puzzle as we respond to the state of overwhelm but it is just one part. The other side? Intentionality and values-driven living.

HOW CAN WE GO ABOUT CULTIVATING THAT?

Honestly, the biggest thing to consider is what you are busy with. What are you spending your time and energy coins on and is the benefit worth the expense? I talked about this a lot in my blog post on “Assess Your Investment of F*cks” where I also share a tool on how to really dive deeper into this question.

The goal here is to trim the excess “spending” from your budget. Be sure that the things that are being added to your budget truly matter and connect to your values. Stuck wondering how to determine what your values even are? Check out this blog post I wrote about finding your why.

Now, you’re probably thinking:

OKAY, I’VE TRIMMED AWAY THE EXCESS. I AM INVESTING IN WHAT IS IMPORTANT TO ME AND I STILL FEEL OVERWHELMED BY MY TO DOS. CAN WE PLEASE TALK PRODUCTIVITY NOW?

Absolutely! And with that, I want to share with you one of the best tools I have found to really support you in the decision making and scheduling of your tasks — The Eisenhower Matrix. Developed by President Eisenhower himself, this matrix helps you determine what to work on, how to prioritize your time, and what we can and need to delete and/or delegate.

I created my own version of this idea to best lay it out in a way that you can easily pick up and apply. Ready to get started?