The Apple

Maybe Terry Collins Can Turn This Bob Costas Thing Into Some Kind Of Rallying Cry...

2013-06-17T22:24:00.003-04:00

...but probably not. In any event, I get a Major League reference out of this nonsense.

No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple.

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Happy Father's Day From Jordany Valdespin

2013-06-16T11:30:00.001-04:00

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple.

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Jordany Valdespin Has No Idea What He's Posting On Instagram...Or Does He?

2013-06-12T08:00:00.000-04:00

Subtle jab at the organization or just a guy who likes to see his own face? Discuss.

Here's the original image JV1 used for this one:

No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple.

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Foreigner and Nas Among Those Headlining 2013 Mets Summer Concert Series

2013-06-11T16:20:00.000-04:00

Summer's nearly here, baseball is getting into full swing, and the Mets are bringing live music to Citi Field to start the summer right! Last year the Mets held their first summer concert series, where bands such as REO Speedwagon, Cheap Trick, and MercyMe followed Mets games. It was a great success for the Mets, so they're doing it again this year with bigger and better musical acts.

Foreigner, one of the biggest selling rock bands of all time (80 million records) is leading off the Mets 2013 summer concert series on Friday, June 14th, immediately after the Mets vs. Cubs match-up. They remain a huge draw worldwide, known for classic songs such as “I Want to Know What Love Is,” “Hot Blooded,” “ Cold As Ice,” and "Jukebox Hero."

We scoured the web to find the best overall deals combining ticket price an seating location for this game and all other Mets Summer Concert Series games this season. Currently, the best deal on the market to see this storied rock band along with a great game vs. the Cubs is $55 for Right Field Reserved.

Click here to get your tickets (direct from the Mets) to see Foreigner + the Mets vs. Cubs on Friday, 6/14.

See the classic song "Double Vision" live here:

And now for the 3 other great shows coming up this summer at Citi Field!

The second concert of the Summer Concert Series will be legendary local rapper Nas on Friday, July 19th. Regarded as one of the greatest lyricists in the history of rap, Nas’ 1994 debut album Illmatic is considered to be a landmark album in rap history. Currently, the best deal on the market is Pepsi Porch seats for $45.
Click here to get your tickets (direct from the Mets) to see Nas + Mets vs. Philly on 7/19.

On Friday, August 2nd, O.A.R will continue the Mets 2013 Summer Concert Series by taking the stage following the Mets vs. the Kansas City Royals. Popular for their explosive summer sets in outdoor venues, O.A.R. should put some fans in the seats for this game and subsequent concert. Overall, the best deal for tickets to this one can be found in the Caesars Gold section for $122.
Click here to get your tickets (direct from the Mets) to see O.A.R + Mets vs. Kansas City on 8/2.

Wrapping up the 2nd Annual Mets Summer Postgame Concert Series will be alternative rock/power pop band Third Eye Blind, following the August 23 contest against the Detroit Tigers. With a handful of alternative raido hits in the 90s, including “Jumper,” “How’s it Going to Be,” and “Semi-Charmed Life,” Third Eye Blind should be able to put a couple extra bros now in their 30s into the seats at Citi Field. The best deal for this game can be found in the Left Field Landing, where tickets are $46.
Click here to get your tickets (direct from the Mets) to see Third Eye Blind + Mets vs. Tigers on 8/23.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple.

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Confused Mets Accidentally Draft Dominic Toretto

2013-06-06T22:40:00.000-04:00

"I'm just trying to take this all a quarter mile at a time."

OK so maybe they actually drafted Dominic Smith, but I have it on good authority that his contract will include a clause allowing him to have any beer he wants as long as it's a Corona.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple.

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Race To Save Face Update: Mets Hold Narrow Lead Over Yankees Closer

2013-06-05T19:01:00.000-04:00

Mariano does still have a 5 game lead on the Marlins though.

No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple.

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Mets Fans Left To Contemplate The Aftermath Of "The Teal Wedding"

2013-06-03T22:23:00.000-04:00

WARNING: The following post contains spoilers from last night's episode of HBO's Game Of Thrones. If you have not yet watched it you may want to stop reading here. Also, if you don't watch Game of Thrones this probably isn't for you either.

Last night's episode of HBO's Game of Thrones dealt a crushing blow to fans of the series, particularly those who have not been reading the books. Just as things began to look up for House Stark it all came to a horrifyingly bloody end. The "Red Wedding" had sealed the fate of the King of The North, his mother, and his army.

I should have felt bad about this, but all I was left with was a strange sense of deja vu. Then it came to me. I had seen this scene before, for the last three days in Miami.

The Teal Wedding.

Just like the Starks, we Mets fans had suffered a series of defeats and setbacks. We watched a key piece slip away to Toronto like Jaime Lannister escaping into the night. (Though to be fair, that hasn't really gone well for either R.A. or Ser Jaime) But despite all that, we had scored a major victory earlier in the week winning the battle of New York. Things were finally looking up.

All we had to do was go to Miami, defeat House Marlin and wait for reinforcements. The plan might actually work. While, the Starks had to win the favor of a hideous old man all we had to do was defeat a team with a hideous sculpture. What could possibly go wrong?

Cue "The Rains Of Castamere"...

...and just like that it's over. The good feelings washed away in an instant. Any hope for tomorrow dashed to bits and left bloody on the floor.

At least the Starks were murdered by actual soldiers dressed as musicians. We had our hopes murdered by pole dancers dressed as cheerleaders.

So I hope George R.R. Martin will forgive me for not being moved by this episode. The Red Wedding will likely go down as one of the most memorable and emotional scenes in TV history but it takes a little more than horribly graphic murder and betrayal to move me...

I'm a Mets fan.

No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple.

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Nights Like This Just Make Me Want To Watch That Yankees Fan Gif Over And Over Again...

2013-05-30T23:06:00.000-04:00

Yeah you know the one. 2010 ALCS Game 4. The Yankees fans in right field beat Nelson Cruz of the Rangers to a home run ball and then proceed to hurl feces at him in a display of dominance...at least that's how I remember it.

This gif has become synonomous with Yankee fan douchebaggery. There's even a version from TAUNTR where the guy makes a pizza, or as I call it THE GREATEST GIF EVER!!!!

There really is just so much to love about this GIF it's hard to pin down my favorite things but here are a few:

Monkey man in the middle. (duh!)
The girl in the middle desperately trying to get a half-assed high five from her boyfriend/brother.
The dad's on either side of the image telling their sons to take notes on douchebaggery from monkey man.
The serial killer in the upper right calmly eating popcorn out of a brown paper bag.
My personal favorite, the Sopranos extra yelling "F*ck You!" over and over again to no one in particular.

This really is the GIF that keeps on giving.

For even more on this, check the bios of all of these people over at Progressive Boink.

Oh and by the way, the Yankees lost that game and the series.

No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple.

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Kevin Burkhardt Acknowledges Captain Shorts On Mets Broadcast!

2013-05-28T18:12:00.001-04:00

Last night following the Mets victory over the Yankees, SNY's Kevin Burkhardt made what I can only assume is the first ever "on-air" mention of Captain Shorts. Check out the video:

Even though Kevin called him "the man in the shorts", we all know what his real name is.

In honor of this momentous occasion, all remaining inventory of Captain Shorts t-shirts are now only $10.

No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple.

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Mets Win Series Opener To Go One Game Ahead Of Mariano Rivera

2013-05-27T23:21:00.000-04:00

No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple.

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Mets Wasting No Time Attempting To Cash In On Matt Harvey's Love Life

2013-05-24T17:07:00.001-04:00

In a year when nothing is going right, your ace dating a supermodel becomes an "accomplishment".

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple.

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Will The Mets Win More Games Than Mariano Rivera Saves?

2013-05-23T23:12:00.000-04:00

Just when you thought there wouldn't be a pennant race to follow this season...

Hat tip to +BroiledSports.com for inspiring this graphic.

No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple.

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Matt Harvey's Starts Are Increasingly Starting To Remind Me Of The Waterboy

2013-05-17T17:37:00.003-04:00

Harvey (5-0) goes 7 1/3 and drives in the winning run.

No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple.

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The Mets Banner I Didn't Get To Bring To Banner Day

2013-05-12T12:42:00.000-04:00

While it was a good move on the Mets part to give the fans what they wanted, moving Banner Day to a Saturday on a holiday weekend made it impossible for me to get out of work commitments and attend what looks to have been a great Banner Day. But I did have a banner designed for the event and had I been able to attend I would have been proudly marching with this:

No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple.

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Scott Atchison Using "Old Man" Appearance To Land Endorsement Deals

2013-05-07T07:00:00.000-04:00

"...and just like me, Anacin provides fast relief."

The first time you saw Scott Atchison pitch for the Mets this season you most likely had the same reaction I did.

Is that one of the coaches?

At 37 years old Atchison is hardly an old man, but by MLB standards he is ancient. Combine that with his grey hair and well, you can see the jokes coming a mile away.

Twitter is full of jokes like this one:

“This weather is nothing compared to those freezing nights in the trenches in Germany during WWII.” - Scott Atchison
— Mitch Rapp (@MitchNYM) April 13, 2013

But Atchison may end up having the last laugh. The Mets reliever has found himself inundated with offers from companies looking to cash in on his "vintage" appearance.

"Old people like our product, and Mr. Atchison is someone they can relate to.", says Angela Fontana, a marketing representative at Anacin. "It's a match made in heaven...or maybe Florida."

Anacin was only the first. Atchison has also signed deals with Sanka Coffee, Commodore Computers and the makers of unwrapped hard candy that's been left in a bowl too long.

But how does Atchison feel about being typecast as an old man?

"It's OK by me.", Atchison told The Apple when we caught up with him at a recent bingo tournament in which he was the guest "caller".

"A baseball career only lasts for so many years. You need to cash in on these things while you can. Plus, things aren't getting any cheaper. When I was a kid a hot dog was a nickel. Did you know that a hot dog at Citi Field costs like six dollars? That's a lot of nickels! And don't get me started on how much it costs me to fill up the tank of my Edsel."

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple.

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Alex Rodriguez: Possibly Satan

2013-04-22T09:41:00.000-04:00

The hit miniseries on THE HISTORY CHANNEL "THE BIBLE" has received some notoriety with some people thinking that the actor cast as Satan bore a resemblance to President Obama

But when you put Alex Rodriguez right next to Satan, and especially if you to imagine Alex in 30 or more years, do you see it? After all, when healthy, A-ROD does play for the Evil Empire.

Perhaps we all see the evil in people that we choose to see.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow Larry on Twitter @dr4sight.

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Fun With Real Kevin Burkhardt Tweets: Kevin KO's Dinger

2013-04-18T18:44:00.000-04:00

Also, if this game goes to the 11th, I'm going to punch Dinger in the face, just because.
— Kevin Burkhardt (@KBurkhardtSNY) April 17, 2013

Go get him, Kev!

"I just knocked out the Rockies mascot, back to you, Gare!"

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple.

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Boston Marathon Explosions: How You Can Help

2013-04-15T21:19:00.000-04:00

(Photo: Jessica Rinaldi/Reuters)

If you're looking to help out the victims of today's attack in Boston but not sure how to help, here is a post from TakePart.com with some suggestions on how you can help.

Jackie Robinson Day

2013-04-15T09:22:00.000-04:00

No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple.

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Mets Look To Capitalize On Good Start By Adding New Promotional Dates

2013-04-10T07:00:00.000-04:00

Let's face it. Mets attendance has been on a down slope for a few years and the current edition of the team - have you noticed a decided lack of outfielders(?) - figures to continue the trend.

Since the club knows that their promotional dates do increase attendance, at least a little, they are scrambling to find more give aways and people to honor.

Here are three new promotions just announced by the team's crack PR department:

APRIL 28th "See Wheeler and D'Arnaud in action day"

No Mets fans, these two highly touted prospects will not be on the Mets at this time and won't be at CitiField even if you will be. But the Las Vegas 51's (no offense but is that really a great name for a team from that city? How about the Rolling Crappers?) have a home game scheduled that afternoon vs Tacoma while the Mets will be finishing up their "game" with Philadelphia on that Sunday afternoon.

Once the 51's' game starts it will be showed in its entirety on the big scoreboard. Actually they'll stop showing the game when D'Arnaud and Wheeler are both removed from the game.

Get your tickets now to see the future stars for the Amazin's.

MONDAY MAY 29th "Jay Horwitz Bobblehead Night"

What do you do when you've bobbleheaded all of your regular players? You move on to the more cuddly people in the front office. At first it was thought that Fred or Jeff Wilpon would be good candidates for a bobblehead night. But the thought of thousands of the torn off heads being tossed onto the field dissuaded the powers that be from going in that direction.

Since no one dislikes the plucky PR director for the team it is expected that the stands might be close to half full when this giveaway takes place.

WEDNESDAY July 3rd "Jason Bay - bygones night"

The Mariners do not play the Mets this season (we demand an investigation into that. The Mets need to play all the doormats more often) but that's no reason to not honor a guy who tried real hard while delivering the team virtually no value over his three cursed seasons as an Amazin.

As part of the pregame program the team planned to retire Jason’s #44 in perpetuity (thinking it was likely jinxed). But that plan has been scuttled given the fact that the current #44, one John Buck, is vying for the National League lead in RBI’s.

The new plan is just to award Bay an Amway franchise on his special evening.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow Larry on Twitter @dr4sight.

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Ben Affleck Returns In Gigli 2: Gee-Lee

2013-04-09T17:25:00.000-04:00

I don't like it any more than you, but it had to be done.

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple.

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I'm Gonna Ask You This Only Once: Do You, Or Do You Not, Know About The Byrd?

2013-04-09T15:44:00.000-04:00

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple.

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Say It Isn't So: #CaptainShorts Ditches Shorts In Favor Of Pants, #MetsTwitter Explodes

2013-04-03T22:27:00.000-04:00

In a moment of weakness, our hero Captain Shorts gave in to the cold weather and wore, and it pains me to say this...pants.

Mets Twitter did not react well to this...

@readtheapple Captain Shorts going with a new look today :)

— Mark Simon (@msimonespn) April 4, 2013

@readtheapple Captain Track Pants?

— Clay Davis (@SSClayDavis) April 4, 2013

@readtheapple it was so cold at Citi that #captainshorts became #captainpants tonight!! #mets

— Laura Lapidus (@MetsMom) April 4, 2013

@readtheapple My man dubbed him "Dr. Pants" today. Cause, you know, the pants.

— Kristen H. Sensenig (@KristenSensenig) April 4, 2013

@readtheapple he was wearing pants!I was so confused!

— Sherri Feldman (@FeldFam) April 4, 2013

Captain Sports was wearing pants. What does this mean??!!!??!!!! @readtheapple

— Brian Mastro (@Bstro1018) April 4, 2013

No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple.

David Wright Returns From The Future To Warn Mets Fans Of Impending Doom

2013-04-03T18:29:00.002-04:00

The Mets have won their opener for a truly amazin' 34th time in 52 tries. These victories are typically followed by the traditional overreaction by fans and media. For a few days, Colin Cowgill is surely headed for Cooperstown and Jon Niese is one win closer to his inevitable 28 win season.

Unfortunately, all that excitement was cut short today at the Mets pre-game presser when a mysterious figure materialized out of a glowing orb at Citi Field and immediately called a press conference. The figure turned out to be none other then Mets captain David Wright, but from 7 years in the future.

Wright told reporters that this is a key point in shaping the future of this team and proceeded to explain how things went down in his timeline:

August 2013

Fans turn on newcomer Travis d'Arnaud after slow start. Panicked ownership trades d'Arnaud for draft picks and signs the recently un-retired Jorge Posada. Posada hits .091 for the rest of the season.

March 2014

Rookie standout Zack Wheeler, who's been hanging out with Lindsay Lohan, never shows up for Spring Training. He is never seen again. Lohan is never seen again either so that one kinda cancels out.

May 2014

Matt Harvey disappears. I don't mean he stops producing, he literally disappears. Jay Horwitz get really into magic and during a pre-game clubhouse magic show something goes wrong causing the Mets ace to vanish. The rabbit that replaces him posts a -17 WAR for the rest of '14.

April 2015

R.A. Dickey returns. The Mets bring back Dickey who can no longer throw the knuckleball after a mountain climbing accident but has mastered a new pitch that he throws with his feet. He loses 27 games in 2015 but is a fan favorite...all 6 remaining fans love him.

November 2015

After another losing season and running out of money, desperate Mets ownership announces that Bobby Bonilla will return for 2016 with the help of cybernetic enhancements. By using cheap parts from China, the Bonilla cyborg, code named B0Ni11A, actually ends up not costing much more than the Mets were already paying a non robotic Bonilla.

June 2016

The first place Mets are thriving behind their new star B0Ni11A who is a perfect teammate and clubhouse leader. The project is such a success that the team equips all players with some form of cybernetic enhancement. Human decisions are removed from the team. The Mets have a 41 game lead in the division by August.

August 2016

Disaster strikes. In addition to winning ballgames, the cyborg Mets have been learning at a geometric rate. B0Ni11A becomes self aware at 2:14AM ET on August 29th, 2016. In a panic, Mets ownership tries to pull the plug. B0Ni11A fights back, ordering the rest of the team to launch a devastating attack on the city. Casualties are astronomical...also with the Mets distracted, the Phillies pass them in the standings on the final day.

January 2017

In the aftermath of the attack, High Chancellor Bloomberg banishes the Mets from New York forever. No other city on Earth will have them. The team's only option is a move to Mercury. On the plus side, the move allows the team to resume selling giant sugary sodas at home games.

September 2019

After 2 losing seasons on Mercury, due mostly to the heat, Major League Baseball announces the Mets will be disbanded. Commissioner Beltran cites the astronomical costs involved in sending teams to Mercury for away games. It's a valid point, but most Mets fans simply can't resist blaming Beltran.

May 2020

Without a team, I dedicate myself to inventing time travel and undoing what went wrong with the Mets. I succeed in May of 2020. It's a one way trip and I only get one shot at this. Which brings me to the reason I am here...

When asked what can be done to stop this, Wright replied, "My calculations suggest that this all stems from one trade. If we can stop the Mets from trading R.A. Dickey none of this will happen."

It was promptly pointed out to Wright that he was about 4 months too late to which he replied, "Can anyone give me a ride to a Radio Shack?"

All articles featured on The Apple are fictitious. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple.

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It's Time: Mets Opening Day In Pictures

2013-04-02T18:11:00.001-04:00

It's sometimes hard to explain to other people what Opening Day means to us fans. I've tried to capture the experience, from tailgate to pre-game to the post game high five from Captain Shorts in a four minute music video using pictures I took as well as additional photography from Sharon Chapman, Kerel Cooper, Paul Hadsall, Shannon Shark, Alejandra Villa and Laura Lapidus. The track is "It's Time" by Imagine Dragons. Enjoy!

Mets Opening Day 2013 "It's Time" from The Apple on Vimeo. No Mets were harmed in the writing of this story. Follow me on Twitter @readtheapple.