REAL CELEB FAKE SPEAK

From the Admin Desk: Week 26

noreply@blogger.com (Story Collector) — Sun, 30 Jan 2011 12:30:00 +0000

I hate the fact that whenever we go AWOL, we leave some major shithead on the front page. Last time it was tattoo fiend Jesse James, this time it was clueless gayhater Carrie Prejean. We're sorry for those dick moves. We're trying very hard to get some kind of schedule in place, but when you work in a soulless wormhole that zaps all your energy and enthusiasm the moment you enter it, it's kinda hard to come back home and do anything other than crash on the couch.

We'll try our best to get the celeb speak to you on time.

From the Admin Desk: Week 25

noreply@blogger.com (Story Collector) — Sun, 23 Jan 2011 12:30:00 +0000

I'm pretty sure there's a good reason why we go AWOL on some weeks, but I'm too hungover to figure it out. I'm going with the easier explanation: celebrities suck. And if I keep this up, I'm going to be out of a job soon.

We'll see how this week pans out.

Carrie Prejean

noreply@blogger.com (Story Collector) — Mon, 17 Jan 2011 12:30:00 +0000

WHO AM I: Model

I know that the public has a short memory, so I’m gonna refresh your mind. I’m the gorgeous girl who lost Miss USA 2009 because she dared to speak the truth, and was vilified (whatever does it mean? I hope my thesaurus is not playing tricks on me) by the US media for her frank views on same-sex marriage. I’m here because I want to let you know one important thing- I am going to be Vice President of USA in 2012.

Google my name and you’ll find how I was targeted unfairly for saying that gays are scum (yeah, I didn’t say it that way, but that’s what I believe). But it laid the path for my political career. You see, after the whole controversy became public, Sarah Palin called me up. She congratulated me for standing up to those liberal turds and asked me about my views on abortion, creationism and gun control. I told her I was conservative through and through, and she sounded very pleased. A couple of months later, she met me and told me that she was going to run for U.S. President in 2012, and she wanted me as her running mate! Thing is, she is looking to target the younger generation, and she thinks that if she had a superhot running mate, young people would turn out in hordes to vote for her. And she’s got the soccer mom vote, along with the soccer dads, and so it’s a sure victory for us. I’m so honoured, I’m going to be the first female Veep, the youngest Veep ever. Nobody will not take me seriously ever again.

Me and Sarah have become really good buddies. We have regular study sessions at each others’ house- we need to learn about domestic affairs and foreign affairs and economy and all that (did you know that the Middle East is a group of countries, not a hooker bar in Texas?). It’s difficult stuff, you know, I have a hard time remembering what I learnt the previous day. But Sarah’s very supportive, and to see how little a U.S. Senator and potential Veep knows is very encouraging. But I think I could do with a tutor, and I’m looking at you guys for help. Broadly, I’m looking for comprehensive tutoring in U.S. Politics, U.S. History, Foreign Affairs, World History, Economics, yeah that should do. If you guys have tutoring experience, please contact me as soon as you can. I will pay you well, more than any student has. It’s worth it, you can put “Tutored future U.S. V.P” on your résumé.

God bless America. And remember, gays are bad.

Carrie

Image sourced from here

From the Admin Desk: Week 24

noreply@blogger.com (Story Collector) — Sun, 16 Jan 2011 12:30:00 +0000

Sometimes it's tough to be funny, especially when you see a nine-year old girl's funeral. In this climate of increased vituperative rhetoric, we really hope President Obama's speech didn't fall on deaf ears. We hope that people don't forget Christina Green's death within the next 24-hour news cycle. We hope that people will take some time to think about what has been happening, and whether it would be wise to let it continue.

Selena Gomez

noreply@blogger.com (Story Collector) — Fri, 14 Jan 2011 12:30:00 +0000

WHO AM I: Actress

Well, Miley's off bonging to high heavens, any mention of Jonas sends Demi into hysterical fits, so it seems like I'm the last Disney princess still standing. WOOO!!! I gotta get my agent to hike my prices, this is a reallllly good opportunity to fleece those Disney suits.

Everything is perfect in Selenaland. I've got three of Demi's movies and two of Miley's, along with two of my own, so ur gonna see a lot of this wizard in the next couple of years. And I'll be taking over Demi's place in Sonny with a Chance; Disney is keeping it secret but the show's gonna focus on Sonny's cousin Bonnie (me!) who joins the cast when Sonny is away doing a movie or sumthin. And my band's gonna go on tour next summer, so save up ur pocket money 4 those tickets!

Ok, m I done with the promotion stuff? Can I please talk bout wat I wanna talk? Yea? Cool. Coz wat I really wanted to talk about was my lil thing with Bieber. I love him. Yes, I'm coming out n saying it loud, the Beebs is my first love, n I'm his. 'Parently he fell 4 me wen he saw my show, n he's been trying to cook up the courage to ask me out 4 a while. So sweet, na? We're so good together, we're Justina, the next Brangelina, except 4 the fact that I'm so much hotter than that wrinkled old shrew. People r making so much about me being 2 yrs older than him, but hey, if Demi Moore can romp around with Ashton, who looks like the kid she had at 18, u got no right to throw stones at me. Age aint the deciding factor, it's how gud u r in kiss n cuddle that makes the diff.

N for all my fans, here’s a special sumthin. Go 2 my website n u’ll find a quest. Answer a few lil questions abt me to prove how big a fan u r, n u can unlock sum doors, d last of which is a safe. N in that safe u’ll find a very special gift: a song Beebs n I sang together. It’s gonna be out in, like, a coupla weeks, but u, my fans, can get a very special preview. No, can’t give ya the whole song, sorry, u’d just leak it online n eat away those billions of dollars I’m gonna make.

Image sourced from here

Demi Lovato

noreply@blogger.com (Story Collector) — Mon, 10 Jan 2011 12:30:00 +0000

WHO AM I: Actress

Yo ho and a bottle of rum! And then I break the bottle and use a shard to carve Joe’s name close to my heart. NO! Why should I hurt myself? I’ll take that shard and plunge it into Ashley’s stomach. Yeah, yeah, that’ll be good revenge. But I really need to figure out how to get the hell out of rehab first. Aaaaaaarrgh…I’m going crazy again.

Joe came to visit me a few days back, thankfully without his wh*re in tow. He said he was really sorry for the way we broke up and how he moved on without looking back at how I was doing. He gave me a light kiss, which deepened when we realized how much we cared for each other. And then one thing led to another, and before we knew it we were in the broom closet, all over each other.

Which leads me to my big announcement: Joe and I are getting back together! WOOO!!! It's not totally official yet, coz Joe has to dump that b**ch and I have to convince the docs I'm not hallucinating. These medicos are such asses, they say I've had a complete nervous breakdown and am hallucinating about Joe, cuz apparently Joe has never come by the rehab house. Yeah, right! I know I'm nuts about Joe, but I'm not that nuts! U know wat I’m thinking? Those docs are in the pay of the CIA. Yeah, yeah, that’s y they’re so eager to do all those tests on me n get me to write everything about who I wanna be n wat I feel. The U.S. Govt. is jealous that I’m more popular than them, n they want to destroy me. No, I’m not gonna let them do that! NO WAY! Wait, did they force Joe to enter into a relationship with that b**ch? Oh My God!!! I gotta get out of here before they brainwash me n ruin my career!

I have a special treat for my fans, who've stood by me while I went after my true love. Wedding bells are in the air for me, and two of my lucky fans can plan it. Just send in your plans for your dream wedding, your wedding book, actually. The two best ones can collaborate to plan my lavish wedding, money not an issue. So touch up your wedding books, my ladies, while I go dig up my escape tunnel.

From the Admin Desk: Week 23

noreply@blogger.com (Story Collector) — Sun, 09 Jan 2011 12:30:00 +0000

Sorry that the first admin update of the New Year is up a little late, but it was languishing in the drafts section and went un-noticed by both of us. Anyway, fun-filled week lined up, with a couple of Disney princesses daring to bare. Their hearts, pervs.

Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi

noreply@blogger.com (Story Collector) — Fri, 07 Jan 2011 12:30:00 +0000

WHO AM I: Reality show star

Y write, y not just make a video or sumthing? It’s so much easier, and cooler. I mean who writes in this space age, wen there’s a camera to record ur every breath. But the dinosaurs at this site wanted written matter. I wudn’t have done it, but the Situation already wrote his crap and I’m like dude, I’m no lesser than him. Whatever Situation does, Snooki does better. Coz she’s got a tan.

Tanning. It’s a way of life man. Nothing turns me on like a tall tanned Italiano, I wud totally smush that even in the middle of Times Square. I’ve always said that my ideal man wud be Italian, dark, muscled…juice head guido. And how do u get dark without a tan? If I were given like one wish for the world, I wud wish for there to b a tanning bed in every home. Poverty, unemployment, global warming, all that u can solve. But the crappy bod without a tan, nothing can solve that. U know, I hate that Obama dude. He’s black, he doesn’t need a tan, n he assumes that the rest of us don’t either. Do ya know that he’s put a 10% tanning tax. A white dude wud never put a 10% tanning tax. This year, I voted for the Reclivan, or watever party that Palin chick belongs to. She’s white, she understands the need for tan. She’ll be good for the country.

Lotsa people have asked me, wats a fat b**ch like u doing on a hottie show like Jersey Shore? Isn’t it supposed to be like a gorgeous girls show? I tell them, turd, Jersey Shore wudn’t exist without me. Angie, she’s a frigging wh*re, if she were the centre of the show, the sun wudn’t rise tomorrow. Sammi’s a nutjob, she’s a b**ch at one moment n a saint in the other n she really has no clue wat she wants n just keeps quacking like a crow. JWOWW is kinda ok, she gives gud advice and joins me in b**ch-beating, but she ain’t me. Nobody can be me. I’m fun, I’m slutty, I hit where it hurts. And I luv animals. I mean, guys dig that. I don’t eat lobster cuz they’re alive wen u kill it, n I’m a vet tech, n I can’t see that. I once saw them cut up a lobster n it hurt so much that I went on a week-long binge n woke up next to a trashy white dude with too many piercings for his own good. And I was like, I left those gorgeous guidos in my apartment for this? And since then I haven’t eaten a frigging lobster. I puke if I see ‘em.

Guess I got nothing more to say. Oh yeah, if ur a guido, or even a white dude with a gud tan, call me. Or better still, turn up at my Jersey Shore home. Do sumthing romantic, sumthing epic. I’m totally a roses-and-chocolates girl, u’ll totally have my attention.

Sexily yours

Snooki

Paul "Pauly D" DelVecchio

noreply@blogger.com (Story Collector) — Wed, 05 Jan 2011 12:30:00 +0000

WHO AM I: Reality show star

My New Year’s resolution is: Get off sex. Yeah, ya heard that right: DJ Pauly D is going off sex, for a year. Ladies, I will still pick u up at bars and give u the hottest makeout sessions of ur lives, but sex is off the table. Unless I’m really really drunk and don’t have control over my own actions, then it don’t count.

Y, u ask, y is the awesome DJ Pauly D swearing off sex? Did some wh*re break his heart? Oh, come on, as if some random chick could ever bring down The D! No this, whaddaya call it, epiphany huh? Ok, this epiphany happened when I was hanging out with this bunch of chicks at a bar, n they told me about this new thing called Segion, short for sex-religion. Wat u do is u go to these meetings n they give u sumthing n u get really high n then u attain nirvana, which feels like u’ve f**ked a hundred virgins at a time. Initially I didn’t believe them. What toadshit, I said. They said come, try it. But on one condition, u must not have sex for a week. I was gonna say no, DJ Pauly D cannot go without sex for a week, sex is like air for Pauly. But the offer was too tempting. I managed to diet for a week, n then I went.

Oh, OH, OHHHHH!!! Wat an experience man! I aint good with words, so I can’t describe the feeling to actually make it come before ur eyes, but if DJ Pauly D says it’s AWESOME, it must be beyond imagination. Dude, I’ve never been one for hallucin-sex, but this is killer. U’ll never want to bang another chick again after being through Segion. I spent my entire Christmas weekend just Segioning after those late-night parties, it was heaven.

I know u all r really eager to try out the bong that DJ Pauly D smoked from, but I gotta say, it ain’t for everyone. Segion is for high-performing alpha males, by invite only. I could invite you, but it ain’t gonna be easy. There r sum tasks u gotta do, sum hurdles u gotta overcome. Wat to do? Go to the Jersey Shore website, n sumwhere in the hot photos of me n the lame pics of everyone else is hidden a key, a link to opening the door and handing u ur first task. Find the key, open the door n mail the results of ur first task to me. Then we’ll talk.

Say it with me. DJ Pauly D ROX!!!!

Image sourced from here

Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino

noreply@blogger.com (Story Collector) — Mon, 03 Jan 2011 12:30:00 +0000

WHO AM I: Reality show star

Everybody lurrrrrrrvs me, babies, dogs, ya know, hot girls, cougars. I just have unbelievable mass appeal. Yeah, baby! I rock your world, I know, even through the TV set. So y m I writing? I mean, seriously, writing, dude? I got an autobiography coming out, ain’t I saying enough in that? Well, yeah, but there’s nothing like too much Situation, ma’ man, if ya know wat I mean.

Y’know wat, God should have created girls without voices. That’d be like the perfect girl, y’know, who u cud roll around with u without getting into the whole drama later. I mean, look at my housemates. Snooki, she’s like Godzilla during Armageddon, and wen she speaks, it’s like The Siren of Hell or sumthin. Jolie thinks she’s the real thing, and goes off every 5 minutes like a half-assed firecracker, no show, all smoke and loud noises. God, wasn’t I glad when she got kicked off- her ass may be hot, but it ain’t one I wanna tap. Sammi’s just f***ing confused, she can’t get with a guy without getting the hots for sumone else. And JWoww, meh. So u see, it’d be so much better if girls didn’t have voices. I cud just go from one to the other without needing a hangover cure and a bucket of aspirin later.

So, I bet the question on all u dudes minds is, how do I get frigging awesome like The Situation? Well, I hate to break it to ya guys, but there is only one Situation. Ur never gonna bcum The Situation, even if ya sell ur wife’s boobs over the Internet. But u can try to be like 1/100 of what I am. And how to do it? Well, if u’ve been watching Jersey Shore, ya already picked up the basics. Yeah, GTL baby. Gym, Tanning, Laundry. If ur hitting the gym for anything less than an hour, ur so gone dude. And u really need ur own tanning bed in ur house. There’s no use having ripped up abs if u don’t have the tan to go with it. And fresh clothes. Dude, u gotta change shirts every hour. It’s like the main rule of guidoism, fresh laundry. Get these in order, n u can pick up a coupla chicks.

Enough with the guy talk. I ain’t interested in the guys, I just wanna talk to u chicks. U better be hot, the dude running this blog said u’d be hot. The Situation’s looking for new bed-buddies, cuz the ones in Jersey r kinda, u know, old meat. I know u girls luv me, so if u want to stroke these hot abs, u just need to ask. Send me ur photos, or links to ur MySpace page with hot pics. If The Situation likes wat he sees, then The Situation will cum down to tap it. N u can go tell ur friends, The Situation banged me. Hell, it’ll really raise ur street cred.

So wat u waiting for? The Situation doesn’t like to be kept waiting.

Luv u girls

The Situation

From the Admin Desk: Week 22

noreply@blogger.com (Story Collector) — Sat, 01 Jan 2011 12:30:00 +0000

From the Admin Desk: Week 21

noreply@blogger.com (Story Collector) — Sun, 26 Dec 2010 12:30:00 +0000

All gifs sourced from here.

Lady Gaga

noreply@blogger.com (Story Collector) — Fri, 24 Dec 2010 12:30:00 +0000

WHO AM I: Singer

Hiya, all you little monsters! How are u guys? Been to my Monsterball tour? No? What do u mean, no? Dude, u didn’t want to watch me tear off my clothes? R u gay? Hey, I support gays okay, I’m like ur biggest fans. And if u r a les and didn’t come to watch me, then u r not a true les, baby. Have fun this Christmas, kiddos, live it up, Gagas-style!

U Luuuuuuuurrrv me, I know u do. U secretly groove when Pokerface comes on the radio, u’ve got a hidden folder with pics of me in all my awesome costumes, u regularly do a Google search to find out what Gaga is up to. U wanna know whether I’m a girl or a guy or a …? Ha ha, keep on guessing monsters!!

I’m Gaga, Gaga is me. U guys seen Batman, right, the man is the mask and the mask is the man. Same here, baby. There is no Stefanie Germanotta, there is only Gaga. I live the show, man, 24*7, and it’s sooooo much fun. The money, the booze, the dope, they all existed when I danced on bartops too (maybe not as much as there is now), so they’re not much of an inducement. For me, the biggest draw of the Gaga Life is the fame. The biggest thing is being myself in front of thousands of people, being bold, brash, sexy and provocative, and people loving me for it. People going “Ga-ga ga-ga-ga, Ga-ga-ooh-la-la” as I rip off one dress after another. Oh, I just want to live on stage, man, and die in a huge fireball onstage.

So anyways, my lil monsters, u love my outrageous costumes, don’t ya? U got a few crazy costume ideas in ur head too, u fantasize about Gaga dressing up in ur supercool dress and crawling all over ya, while shaking her ass to Paparazzi. Well, I can’t confirm the crawling part, I gotta check my schedule, but u can dress me up. Yup, I’m giving one lucky fan a chance to design an outfit for my tour, one of those many outfits I keep changing in and out of. Winner not only gets to showcase his/her dress on Gaga, but also gets a six month contract with Haus of Gaga to design more shocking outfits. So get busy designing, monsters, and have more than one ready, coz Gaga is coming for ya.

Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year! Have a happy boozefest!

Mother Monster loves ya all,

Lady Gaga

Taylor Swift

noreply@blogger.com (Story Collector) — Wed, 22 Dec 2010 12:30:00 +0000

WHO AM I: Singer

This world is after me. I’m such a great singer, I’m beautiful, I’ve got more X Factor than Mr X himself, and still, people are so cruel to me. The world sucks!

First, it was that goddamn West. Bloody drunkard, he stole my moment. I was going to give such a brilliant speech, and he took it all away. Oh, I am so going to thrash him in my next song. Thinking of calling it “Waste of Space” or something like that. Yes, I know it was a long time ago, but it still hurts. And then I got looked over during the Country Music Awards where Carrie walked off with everything on her shelf. And now that Gaga b**ch walked off with my glory at the VMAs. It seems like everybody has forgotten me! Oh, fame, thou art fickle to the core! Could be the first line of my next song.

Music is something I have loved since I was a little kid. Did you know that I was the youngest songwriter Sony ever hired? It’s been an awesome journey, and I have miles left to go. It’s never been all easy, I have had quite a few heartbreaks, especially Joe. The way he treated me was despicable, he is one more guy who’s gotta watch out for my next album- he will be skewered! Oh, there will be no names involved; I’m not like Eminem, I’ve got my squeaky clean image to take care of. But Joe and Kanye are not going to get away easy, I promise! Anyways, I’m looking for love, since that’s the only thing missing from my perfect story. Heartbreaks are a part of life, it’s only after your heart is broken will you find the guy who can put it together and keep it that way (hey, I can put all that in a song too!)

Most people come on this blog wanting something from their fans. I’ve got a lot of love from you guys, and I really don’t want anything else. But I’d like to give you a chance to have what I’ve got, a Christmas present from me to all of you (or whoever’s lucky enough to win it). You know that I write all my songs, but today I’m offering one of my fans an opportunity to co-write a song with me. Just send me a song you’ve written. If I like your song and your performance, you can get a chance to co-write a song for my next album. Thing is, I’m getting stuck at a couple of places and I could do with a fresh outlook. Upload your songs on my MySpace page, and I’ll pick the best. Be fearless, find your own love story and we’ll have our song.

Merry Christmas, and a very Happy New Year!

Crooner forever,

Taylor

Image sourced from here

Jennifer Lopez

noreply@blogger.com (Story Collector) — Mon, 20 Dec 2010 12:30:00 +0000

WHO AM I: Singer

Hey, this blog looks atrocious! Didn’t I say I want a soothing white background, with all text written in size 14 Zapfino font and use only the PNG images I give you (DON’T edit them, I will sue you for defamation). Go change it, RIGHT NOW, or else I’m not typing another word. And yes, I want a thousand white tulips, a Cavalli gown and a box of Knipschildt chocolates delivered within the next 24 hours. If you don’t, I’m bringing in an injunction to stop this piece from being published.

I so need a controversy, people have stopped writing about me. So, my dear lovers, I’m going to talk about the one great love of my life. No, not Marc, he features in my Top 10 Loves, but he ain’t numero uno. That spot is reserved for Fur. Yep, I luuuuuuuurv fur. I’ve got, like, this fur room in my house, where everything is made of fur- the sofas, the lampshades, the bedspreads. It’s just so awesome, I wear my chinchilla coats and just laze around in the room, soaking in all that fur. Lover, don’t give me that horrified look. Are you a PETA person? Then go eat dung. Why, it belongs to the animals you love, to protect which you come and throw eggs at my mink coats. All this animal rights crap is bullshit. Dude, animals were made to be eaten or worn. I mean, come on, would you prefer a leopard snapping at your throat or as a shawl around your shoulders?

See, I’m trying very hard to remain visible. You saw me in those cameos in How I Met Your Mother and Glee, and I’m trying to get the House people to write a role for me, maybe as a famous singer who loses her voice just days before her Grammy performance. So lovers, I want you guys to organize a campaign to get me on that show. Lovers, I’ll be super hot, I shake my booty and sing like a seductress, and maybe get House to sleep with me. It’ll be AWESOME!! I’m working on a couple of storylines, so I’m counting on you guys to back me up on this. Hey, it’s not much work lovers, just go to the NBC (or ABC or watever) site and shoot off a mail to them.

Jennyliciously yours

From the Admin Desk: Week 20

noreply@blogger.com (Story Collector) — Sun, 19 Dec 2010 12:30:00 +0000

Christmas is a musical occasion. And so, we thought we'd have three of the hottest ladies of the musical world write for us. It was a difficult task, to say the least, especially when JLo (yup, we got her!) made enough demands to build a new Taj Mahal. And pretty little Taylor was off "caroling" with Jake (is it still Jake, or someone else?), and you know how difficult it is to separate two, er, carolers. And Gaga was off somewhere being as delicious as ever, and to get her to accept a keyboard as more than a new costume was tough. But we did it, and the results are here to show.

Enjoy Christmas. Party hard, but not too much so as to end up next to a person you don't remember talking to.

From the Admin Desk: Week 19

noreply@blogger.com (Story Collector) — Sun, 12 Dec 2010 12:30:00 +0000

Aaah, vacations! Finally! Thank God! This year has been a really hectic one, what with work, more work, and a blog, that I was despairing that I'd live till Christmas break. But I did, and I'm off. On Wednesday. To London, to visit my wonderful sister and her new baby. My co-blogger is going on a beach vacation with her boyfriend to the sunny sands of Malaysia. Don't worry, we have the whole Christmas thing scheduled, but the Twitter feed may be dormant. Anyway, check back for updates, coz your fav celebs have a lot to say this Christmas.

Bill Keller

noreply@blogger.com (Story Collector) — Fri, 10 Dec 2010 12:30:00 +0000

WHO AM I: New York Times editor

I understand everybody’s fascination with Assange: he’s a master hacker who has brought a world to its knees. But I think we at New York Times deserve greater accolades. Assange has managed to escape crucifixion by his James Bond hiding tricks (though now he’s cooling his heels in jail), but we’re out in the open, under full view of the U.S. government, a very pissed off U.S. government, I may add.

President Obama called me the night before we were going to publish the story about the cables. Hillary had called half an hour earlier. Why, why, they cried, why were we doing this? Why were we bent on destroying the power that generations of our forefathers had worked so hard to establish? I told them that they should have thought about this before they discussed Putin’s toilet habits and Gaddafi’s sexual habits in their official memos. Obama kept trying to reason with me, but Hillary got a bit pushy. Threatened to gag us with charges of treason and espionage and blah blah blah. I told her, lady, you’re going to charge New York Times because they published news that made you look bad? That’s gonna make you look like China. She slammed the phone down.

We won’t be arrested like poor Julian, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that we’re going to be under enormous government pressure not to collaborate with Wikileaks exposés in the future. Already the Repubs are cornering Fox News calling us Mata Hari (they get their references so mixed up!), and that’s only going to intensify. The internet crowd thinks we’re cool, but they can’t save my job. We should be feted for holding out, being the last true bastion of print journalism, bearers of the torch of truth. But nobody seems to recognize our contributions or the fact that we’re doing the world such a favor. Everybody wants to focus on that white-haired Assange, whose only achievement seems to have been paying full attention in computer class. He doesn’t deserve to be Time Person of the Year, I do.

So, anyways, what I’d like from you bloggers is less coverage of Assange and more coverage of New York Times. Write expository pieces praising NYT’s courage, its indomitable spirit, its relentless pursuit of the truth in the face of strong-arming governments. We’ll give you the biggest Christmas gift a blogger can get: increased traffic. We’ll link to your blog in our article about articles praising us; get your server ready for millions of clicks. Who knows, you could be the next Drudge Report.

Fight for what’s right. We always do.

Bill Keller

Julian Assange

noreply@blogger.com (Story Collector) — Wed, 08 Dec 2010 12:30:00 +0000

WHO AM I: Whistleblower

Note: This post was submitted before Assange went and got himself arrested.

Do you know how difficult the life of a super-spy is? I move around constantly, my suitcase is filled with disguises and fake identities, I sleep with a new woman every night. Hell, who am I kidding? It’s an awesome life! And I get big governments to grovel before me and fill my Swiss bank accounts with money in hope that I will not leak any more stuff.

You may consider the Iraq war logs and the Afghan war diaries and the recent diplomatic cables leak to be some of the biggest scoops of this era. But let me tell you, the juiciest material I have has nothing to do with these. I’ve got treasure troves of material regarding the lurid sex lives of every nation’s top politicos, material creamed away from intelligence agency reports, CIA chitchat and home videos taken by security staff. For example, did you know that Nicolas Sarkozy has a monthly Satanic cult meeting in the Golden Room of the Elysee Palace, and his wife bellydances there as the showstopper. Or that a bunch of Labour MPs used to visit this discreet S&M club in East London, and there are loads of pictures from their rendezvous. Or that the NSA has a whole dossier on Michelle Obama’s wild child days, including her 6-month stay at a nudist settlement and her stint as lead guitarist of a Sex Pistols-ish band in her early twenties. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

There are tons of material that I’ve gathered from my hacking days, memos and pictures and videos that are gathering dust in our archives, stuff that we won’t be releasing in the near future. Why not, you ask. Because that would be taking it too far. People respect Wikileaks now because we do honest journalism, so if we degraded to releasing sex tapes, we’d be nothing better than a trashy gossip rag. And I don’t want to be remembered as that. I want to be remembered as the guy who changed the face of news, the Nelson Mandela of media who didn’t let go of his ideals despite vast international pressure, the James Bond of journalism.

Wikileaks is the most strongly guarded fortress in the history of strongly guarded fortresses, but we’re under a lot of pressure from various government organizations. As you saw, our servers were under attack, our web host and our DNS host ditched us, and now I’m trying to find alternative homes for both myself and my website. I call upon you hackers to right my wrongs. Hack into every government database and screw it up. NASA, NSA, FBI, CIA, MI5, etc. Don’t do much, just corrupt their database by introducing a virus that overwrites everything with a message like “Wikileaks RULES!!!” Do it for me. Do it for your freedom.

So get cracking. I mean, hacking. I gotta fly to Amsterdam tonight.

Julian

P.S. Oh CIA, don’t bother hacking into these poor bloggers’ accounts to get my IP. I’ve hacked into their account and published this post.

Barkha Dutt

noreply@blogger.com (Story Collector) — Mon, 06 Dec 2010 12:30:00 +0000

WHO AM I: Journalist

I’ve done the self-righteous angry journalist railing at sneaky media establishments destroying the reputation of venerated journalists who have worked hard at exposing the guilty for years. But it doesn’t seem to be doing me any good. Everybody seems to be on the side of that prick Vinod Mehta and that obnoxious Manu Joseph. I’m going to try a different tack: be repentant and apologetic and quietly tell my side of the story.

Look, I’m a journalist. I get offers every day to twist a story a particular way to show certain people in a favorable light. I turn down most of the offers: there is no way I can show Shibu Soren as a Good Samaritan unless he shaves and takes a bath, even if he offers me a villa on Dubai’s Palm Island. But some things I can do, and it’s cool if I do it. I mean, I’m helping India become a superpower, I’m aiding in the progress of Indian industries and helping Indian industrialists break into the Forbes rich list, which improves our image and will ultimately get us a UNSC seat. And I take a little something for my efforts. I mean, it is tough to twist the story to make Anil look like the petty brother always throwing stones at Mukesh because he’s more successful. I mean, anyone can expose the truth of Mukesh’s underhand dealings where he conspires to pull his own brother down, but the other way involves small hints dropped at opportune moments which come together to form a “Jai Mukesh” tapestry.

Talking to lobbyists is part and parcel of the job. They are just people who know how to make a good deal so that it benefits the giver and the taker. Niira is just another name on my list of contacts; I didn’t do anything special for her. I mean, I understand if I had given her special preference and given her access I denied to others, but there is nothing like that. I treat all my lobbyist friends equally: they give me a perk and I pass on their message. I’m just an interlocutor. You can’t persecute me like this. I hate you guys. I want my momma! AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!

I don’t want anything from you guys, nothing that I can’t get from my lobbyist friends. I just want you to stop barraging my Twitter account. I’m tired of replying to you sanctimonious twats, who keep @bdutt-ing me to tell me I’m a b**ch who sacrificed journalism at the altar of free gifts. You’re jealous, I get it. But if you want what I got, you’ve got to build up those years of trust, whispering from Kargil bunkers, shouting from the Taj courtyard and all that. I can help you get some of my fame (at a price, of course), but until you do, get off my back.

Image sourced from here

From the Admin Desk: Week 18

noreply@blogger.com (Story Collector) — Sun, 05 Dec 2010 12:30:00 +0000

The last couple of weeks were big news weeks. Wikileaks orchestrated cablegate, which demonstrated that everybody hates everybody else. In India, the 2G spectrum scam took down a minister, a corporate lobbyist and a bunch of journalists. To celebrate this explosion of news, we decided to feature two headline makers. One is the now-famous elusive white-haired commander-in-chief of Wikileaks, who hacked into our account, created his post and then deleted all traces of his visit. Another is the rabble-rousing Barkha Dutt, who is now embroiled in quite a mucky bit of rubble. The third, well, we'll find a third guy in the news who's associated with the news, or else we'll just ask Linds to write for us again. Not that she has anything better to do.

James Franco

noreply@blogger.com (Story Collector) — Fri, 03 Dec 2010 12:30:00 +0000

WHO AM I: Actor

That’s Dr. Franco to you, jerks. As you’re reading this, I’m jetting back to Yale to present my grad school project: 127 Hours. Yup, I get to make million-dollar movies as part of my PhD. Suck it up, losers. You have to pore over eight obsolete textbooks to come up with one sentence for your 987-page graduate thesis; I just submit my latest movie.

Franco. You know where that name comes from? It’s not a Frenchification of Frank, it’s actually a derivative of Frankenstein. Sounds familiar? Yes, my ancestor was the inspiration for Mary Shelley’s famous novel. Or rather, my grandpa told her the story of his dad’s greatest creation over a bottle of fine port, and Madame Shelley made her husband ghost-write the novel based on her notes (and didn’t even give grandpa a share of the royalties!). Don’t believe it? I didn’t either, when I was told this story at the age of 12. My great-grandfather was Dr. Frankenstein? No way. But then, on our annual holiday to our ancestral home, my dad took me to the basement, and showed the lab. Oh, dude, what a lab! Granted that it was nearly a hundred years old, and most of the equipment was as useful as a cellphone in ancient Rome, but it was a work of engineering, nevertheless. Man, he was a god! I’m thinking of changing my name back to the original one, to honor his great work, and let everyone know how valuable I really am.

I’ve revived my great grandpapy’s project, to build the next super-soldier. Obviously, we won’t be using the crappy technology that he did; the U.S. government is very interested in funding the project. Yeah, considering the body count they’ve racked up in Iraq, they might as well do something productive with those soldiers’ corpses. What we need are good engineers, doctors, researchers, people who are passionate about advancing the cause of technology without caring about the ways and means and consequences. I’ve already got my team leaders in place, but the rest of the team is not well-formed yet. I thought I’d take a leaf out of showbiz and hold open auditions. If you’ve got the skills and the passion, and the urge to make big money, walk into the Pentagon any time between 10 and 5 next week, hand in your résumé and say the codeword “Victor’s monster” at the desk; you’ll be shown in. And yeah, this is not a casting call for my next movie; so all you struggling actors can please search for other options. I want bona fide scientists only.

See some of you there. I gotta go make another movie for Monday’s project submission.

2010- in pictures

noreply@blogger.com (Story Collector) — Wed, 01 Dec 2010 12:30:00 +0000

Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year!

For the readers of this blog is a very special gift, a photo montage of this year's most momentous events and memorable people, a flashback to 2010. If you like it, you're welcome to share it and display it on your blog. All we request is that you linkback to this blog.

Rupert Murdoch

noreply@blogger.com (Story Collector) — Mon, 29 Nov 2010 12:30:00 +0000

WHO AM I: Media mogul

Your generation is a pretty pathetic one. You want everything free: news, music, movies, TV, everything. Losers, there is no such thing as a free lunch, and you seem to have forgotten that. Well, I’m best at teaching people lessons they never forget. And that’s what I’m going to do now, just after I’ve got my daily job from Wendi dearest. Oh, you know, a good sex life produces hormones that prevent aging, and I’m determined to live till at least 110.
Google is a monster, Google is a vulture. I didn’t pay 5 billion for Wall Street Journal just so Google could give off all my stuff free to their users. The reason I got into the online biz was because I saw all those 18-something upstarts making their first million before having their first drink. All my advisors told me there were pots of money to be made online, and of course, I wasn’t going to let some striplings make off with my fortune. But apparently, people expect me to give all my stuff away for free. The hell I will! You want to get any NewsCorp stuff online, you got to pay premium rates for it, baby. And if Google thinks it can let all the flimflam in, they are so wrong. I am going to block Google from accessing my site, and create so many paywalls that the freebie-searching scum will be kicked out on their butts. I’m a billionaire, and I’ve been around fleecing people billions of years before Google was even born, so if they think they can take me on, bring it on!

Some nutjobs are telling me that nobody’s going to pay for reading something if they can find a free alternative. But that’s just the point. Free => no effort =>trash. Nobody puts in time and effort into something they’re not going to earn anything out of. So when users flock to the free sites and get dished out trash, they’re going to come crawling back to me. And I’m going to use my considerable influence (and millions) to make sure that all these free sites get buried under tons of litigation and government bullying. You know the new FTC blogger rules? I secretly lobbied for it, so that bloggers could be brought down and people would go back to genuine sites like mine.

So, you want to write for WSJ, or the Post, or Times or GQ? Yeah, I own all of them, and I know that you would probably kill for such an opportunity. Simple, just write an article in support of paying for information and entertainment on the Web, and why Rupert Murdoch is such an awesome person for insisting that everybody do it. Call Google a big bullshitter and you get bonus points. I’m not going to read your article, don’t be silly, I don’t have time. But yeah, if yours is the best, it’ll be published in one of my papers or magazines and I could give you two minutes in my office to shake my hand and fall at my feet. You never know, I could take a liking to you and put you on my team. And if you are a young girl (preferably around 25), you could be my new wife; I’m getting a little bored of my Chinese trophy. So go write!

From the Admin Desk: Week 17

noreply@blogger.com (Story Collector) — Sun, 28 Nov 2010 12:30:00 +0000

I know we've been AWOL last week, and we're sorry. It was Hell Week, literally, with work swamping us up to the tips of my spiked hair. No Thanksgiving for us, only Cursethrowing. Anyway, this week is gonna be back to normal scheduled posts. We haven't decided who to feature as of yet, but look out for the lineup; it'll be amazing, as always. However, there are going to be a few design changes around the blog; we'll keep tweaking with the layout and stuff, so don't be surprised if the look changes with every refresh.

Anyways, wish you a Happy Thanksgiving. Hope you got your Christmas shopping started, or done. Don't be like me, running around to find my blog's co-owner a nice jacket a week before Christmas, when every shop and their mother were out of decent stuff.