Real Talk Q&A with Nikki G

A DREAM DEFERRED

2011-10-13T12:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Nikki G,
I have a problem. I am a sophmore attending UCLA, majoring in psychology. I am the youngest of three kids, and the first to get accepted to a university. My mother is single, and raised us on her own, she is working really hard to put me through school, and I appreciate it. Since I was younger I have always wanted to sing professionally, I am really talented, and want to pursue it. My mother, and the rest of my family thinks it's crazy. I feel like they don't have faith in me. I am thinking about leaving school for awhile, it's to the point where I hate going to class everyday, all I want to do is sing. I don't want to disappoint my mother but I think I owe it to myself to try. How should I tell her?

First let me say congratulations! Being accepted into UCLA is a major accomplishment. This is a very important time for you, the decisions you make now, are going to have a major impact on the rest of your life, so think long and hard before jumping into anything. The reality is that there are a lot of talented singers out here, but the majority of them never make it, not to say that you won't. Let me suggest this, pursue your dream, but stay in school at the same time. There's no reason why you can't do both. Go to class and study... you can plan any shows, auditions etc... around your school schedule. You are going to have some exhausting days and nights, but if you are truly committed to making it, you'll pull through. You might also want to think about changing your major, maybe psychology isn't for you. There are a lot of "behind the scenes" careers in the music business that might interest you. You can use your UCLA degree to get your foot in the door, and then find the opportunity to showcase your talent once you're in...make your education work for you! It's hard to break into the business, so it's important that you build a solid foundation for yourself, just in case things don't work out the way you think they will. Use your education as a tool to help you get where you want to be, find a major that will support your new career plans. If you approach your mother with a practical plan that highlights you pursuing your dream, but also includes you finishing your education , I'm sure she'll be on board!

MISERY LOVES COMPANY

2011-10-03T17:17:00.000-07:00

Hey Nikki
Something has really been bothering me lately. My mother and I have never really had a good relationship. When I was younger we never really got along, now that I'm older I thought things would change, but they haven't. She's always down playing my accomplishments (like me graduating from college), and me doing a damn good job of raising my 3 kids by myself. She doesn't deal with my kids at all She has been single for over 10 years now, and always has something negative to say about my fiance. I'm getting married in 2 months to a really good man who loves me and has been helping raise my children which aren't even his, and I'm really thinking about not even inviting her. I want her there but she doesn't like my fiance, and she said that I shouldn't get married, so I don't want her to bring all the BS to my wedding. I've been thinking hard about cutting her off completely, smh I don't know...

Some times you have to learn to love from a distance. The reason you feel like she "down plays your accomplishments", is because you're expecting certain reactions from her, and you're not getting them. Stop expecting! If you have already told her how you feel about this, and she hasn't changed, then stop placing your expectations on her, you're only setting yourself up for disappointments. I know it's hard to not expect your mother to be supportive, and unconditionally loving, but maybe it's just not in her. Leave room for the possibility that maybe she doesn't know how to be the mother you expect her to be, and doesn't know how to give you what you need from her. Maybe the way she was raised, or something in her past prevents her from loving the way you think she should. Things might change in the future, so don't cut her completely off. Just continue to keep in contact with her, call her every once in a while and just tell her you love her. Just "agree to disagree" about the small things, and move on. As for your wedding , if you truly believe her being there would ruin your day, then don't invite her. But my suggestion is to talk to her first, let her know that you want her there but you don't need the negative energy. If she can't find it in herself to put aside your differences for this one day, then tell her not to come. You'll feel much better about whatever decision you make, as long as you know you tried, and at least extended her the invitation.

WHAT GOES ON IN THIS HOUSE STAYS...

2011-09-27T09:51:00.000-07:00

Nikki G
Me and my husband have been going through some things for the past few months. I found out he cheated. We separated for some time, but now we're back together and working it out. My mother and sister think I should leave him. Over the years they have seen us go through things and they just don't like him. Now it's to the point where everytime they come by our house, they don't speak to him, and always are making smart remarks about him. He is irritated with the situation and doesn't want to be around them anymore. I love my husband and my family, but I feel like he's putting me in a bad position, I've asked my sister to stop disrespecting him, but she is a grown woman, I can't control what she says or does, and he doesn't understand that. I don't know what to do anymore.

It's true you don't have control over the next persons actions, however you do have control over what goes on in your house. You have got to let your mother and sister know that if they want to continue to come by, they have to respect your marriage and your husband. You don't have to choose a side, let both sides know that you understand where they're coming from. Your husband has good cause to not want to be bothered. He doesn't have to subject himself to their ridicule and disrespect, especially in his own house. You made the decision to take him back and save your marriage, so stand on your choice and stand up for your husband, do not allow them to create chaos in your relationship, especially right now when things may still be a little rocky. If you want to prevent things like this from happening in the future, STOP telling them everything! It's ok to talk to your mother and sister about some things, and lean on them for advice sometimes, but they do not need to know everytime something is going wrong in your marriage. They have formed their opionions of your husband based on the things you have told them, you forgave him, but they haven't. So from now on, if you're having a problem with your husband, talk to your husband, or maybe someone else who is not so involved, that can remain objective. Try telling your family about the good things going on in your marriage, if they start hearing and seeing the positive things, then eventually over time their perceptions will change.

HOLIER THAN THOU...

2011-09-25T11:34:00.000-07:00

Hey Nikki G!
I have a boyfriend that I love very much. Not to long ago he starting getting into church, got baptized, and has started changing. He's getting on my nerves now! Now he's always talking about God ,quoting scripture, and trying to tell me about the changes I need to make in my life. We can't even have friends over without him trying to preach to them and judge them. We used to have fun together, but now he irritates me. I am a Christian and have been saved for years now, but I don't feel the need to always be talking about it, like he does. I love him but I'm starting to feel like this is not the real him, and it's pushing me away. I don't want to say anything to him because I don't want him to feel like I don't support him. Should I just ignore it?

First let me apologize for not answering right away, I intentionally saved this letter for today, I thought it would be a good Sunday morning topic. No you should not ignore your feelings. People change everyday, the hardest thing about being in a marriage or long term relationship is being able to deal with these changes, and grow with your partner. Change and growth are inevitable, you're either going to adapt and grow with each other, or one of you will outgrow the other. Luckily the change in your boyfriend is a positive one. Keep in mind that being saved and becoming a true believer is a life changing experience, and people deal with it in different ways, your experience might have been different from his. It sounds like he is excited about his new found belief, it's new to him so it might get on your nerves at first, however when you feel like he may be passing judgement on someone, you should remind him that his duty as a Christian is to serve not judge. It's ok to express to him how you're feeling, as long as you do it in a way that doesn't make him feel like you're attacking him and his faith. Just kindly mention that people don't like to always be preached at, let him know that that's not the way to encourage people to change. Tell him that it's ok to offer his testimony, and that people will see the changes in him and the ways that he has been blessed because of his faith, and THAT is what will bring others to God. If you tell him that certain things he does makes you uncomfortable, he might take it down a notch. Also remember that if you truely love him, you will not only love who he was, but also who he is, and who he will become.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

2011-09-19T09:08:00.000-07:00

Dear Nikki,
My man won't eat my cooking, and it's driving me crazy! My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 months and he doesn't eat when I cook. I have took the time to look online and get recipes, and have prepared gourmet meals, and when he comes over he won't eat! He always tells me to put a plate in the microwave for him, but he never eats it. Sometimes he'll take the plate home with him, but I still don't think he eats it. When we go out to restaurants or family get togethers he always eats, it's really irritating me, what do you think is going on?

Lol. Maybe he doesn't like the meals you are cooking. Keep in mind you're still getting to know him, his likes and dislikes. He might not be a "gourmet" meal kind of guy. Some guys hate to try new things and they usually like to keep it simple. Some men are just plain old fashioned, down home "meat & potatoes" kind of guys. Next time your going to cook him something, ask him what he wants, that way you start getting a better idea of the things he likes. Just keep in mind "meat & potatoes" are always a winner, and if you want to make it special then, you can still spice it up with your own variations of meats, and flavors, the possiblities are endless.

DYING INSIDE

2011-09-17T15:41:00.000-07:00

Dear Nikki G
I need to talk about something, but the people I know are so judgemental. I've been in a relationship for the past 4 years, we we're even engaged. Our relationship had it's ups and downs but we were in love. for the past year or so things started changing, our fights started getting physical (I've been to the ER twice), and I found out he was cheating. I tried to ignore his realtionship with her, because I didn't want to argue and fight. But I just couldn't take it anymore. When I confronted him about it and told him he needed to make a choice, he left. He sent his brother to our apartment to get his things, and he moved out, he even asked for his ring back. My friends and family didn't like him so they're glad he's gone, but I'm not. Everyone says it will get better but, it's been over a month, and I'm physically sick, I haven't been able to eat, and don't want to go anywhere, I barely make it to work. I think there's a chance we can work this out, deep down he is a good man, should I try to get him to come home? By the way I like the site.
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Thanks honey! Ok look, I've been where you are so trust what I'm going to tell you. It WILL get easier!!! DO NOT go calling him trying to get him back...he's gone. I know you're hurting, but hurting comes before healing. Your family and friends don't like him because they see what you don't, which is that you deserve better, and clearly he is not the man for you. Try not to shut them out. For the sake of arguement let's say he did come back, do you think the abuse is going to stop? It won't. These things only escalate and get worse, that's not love, and if it is his twisted version of love, it's not healthy for you.

I want you to get on your knees and thank God for this other woman! The Lord sent her to loose you. Don't worry yourself sick wondering about them together, trust me, he will inevitably be the same lying, abusive man to her that he was to you, but hey she wanted him, she got him, better her than you. Now it's time for you to pick up the pieces, and get it together. I know from experience how "physical" heartbreak can get, so first things first, you're appetite will return slowly once you start eating again. Force yourself little by little to eat, and trust me your appetite will return to normal. Once you start eating again, your energy will increase and it will be easier and easier to get up and out everyday. It's time to start dating again! That doesn't mean jumping into another relationship right away. Gather up your girls, fix your hair, put your make up on, throw on your favorite dress, and hit your favorite hot spot! You've been off the market for 4 years, now you're back! wiser, and better! There's a lot of good men out here you just have to make your self available for them to find you, they surely can't find you if you're at home stuck in the bed. Also take this time to work on you, bettering yourself, and maybe doing some things you might have been putting off. It's ok to be single for awhile, you have to be at peace by yourself before you can be at peace with someone else.

NOTE: You will never recognize a good man, unless you first have had a bad one.

SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY

2011-09-17T09:52:00.000-07:00

Nikki, I have a issue. My babys father and I have been dealing with each other for almost 2 years. The thing is that he's married. He always tells me how he's leaving her, and is not in love with her anymore, and that he wants to come be with me and our son, but he still hasn't done it. Our son is 5 months old now, and he has barely done anything for him. When I tell him that the baby needs something, he usually comes over, but he never brings what I asked for (he always says he doesn't have any money right now but when he gets some he'll come back), we just usually end up having sex. He has 3 kids with his wife and I know their kids are well taken care of. I love him to death but, if he's not planning on being with me, like he said he was, then I'm thinking about just letting go and filing for child support...am I wrong?

YES...Why are you still sleeping with him?!? Ok wait a minute let me first say, that one of the saddest parts of this whole situation is that if you file for child support, more than likely his wife is going to be the one forced to pay it, since it sounds like he probably doesn't have a dime, his other children are probably "well taken care of", because she does it. This is an unfortunate situation that you created for yourself. Your first mistake was getting physically involved with a married man. Your second mistake was getting emotionally involved with a married man. Third mistake, was not making that married man put on a condom! You need to first wake up and realize that he is not leaving his wife for you. It's been almost 2 years, if he wanted to leave her, he would have done it already. Even if he did leave her, why would you want him? He's already proven to be a liar, a cheater, and a deadbeat. You need to stop sleeping with him, he's using you. If you ever want him to take you seriously about supporting his son, you have to take sex off the table. You need to make your relationship with him strictly about parenting and taking care of the baby. Let him know that unless he's coming over to see about his son, there's no need in stopping by. You also need to prepare yourself for the very real possibility that once you stop giving him what he wants, he might not want anything to do with you or your baby. Start making moves and decisions to put yourself in a position to take care of you and your son without his help. Now I believe strongly that "home wrecking" goes both ways, the husband is just as, if not more guilty than the other woman. You might just be a good person who made a bad decision. The most important thing is that you learn from this.

GUY TIME vs MY TIME

2011-09-16T09:47:00.000-07:00

Hi I have a boyfriend that I've been with for a while now. We spend every day together. While were together we have fun majority of the time and we may argue sometimes but our humor over powers the negativety. However, I noticed when he hangs out with his "Friends" at night he claims he don't hear the phone when I call. It just sounds so suspicious. I try not to press him about it because I don't want to argue but, when we are in each others company he "always" here his phone ring. He even has it on vibrate/ring so I know he feel it vibrating on his hip. He says when he's driving he don't feel it vibrating. He know one of my pet-pieves is when I get ignored. But he keeps playing games with this phone. Wow, something is up- I need an answer Nikki G!

One thing I've learned is that men treasure their time with their buddies. Men and women think differently, when a man calls his woman while she's out with her girls we consider it "caring", when a woman calls her man while he's out with the guys they consider it "nagging". My question for you is, do you think he's not answering because he's doing something he has no business doing? If that's what you're thinking then maybe you need to do a little investigating and get to the bottom of it. However if you trust him, and know that he's out with his friends, then give him his space. If you two spend the majority of your time together, when he's hanging out with friends, try not to call, unless it's something that just can't wait until you see him again. As women we can spend all day every day with the man we love, and be happy. With men this is not the case, they need their time away, "guy time" is to men what "me time" is to women. Try not to take it too personal, or let it drive you to suspicion, unless there are other things going on that would lead you to believe he's being unfaithful. If you make a point to not call while he's hanging out with his buddies, you'll find that he'll start calling you, to see what's going on... then you've gotten what you want, and he still feels like he's getting what he wants. If you're trying to get something from your man, and he's not giving it to you, you first have to change your approach. Men don't like to be "pressed" or pressured into doing things. Men are psychological and quite simple, while women are emotional and more complex. You have to devise ways of getting your way while at the same time making him feel like he won. At the end of the day you're both happy.

BABY MAMA DRAMA

2011-09-15T13:03:00.000-07:00

I have a man who has NO KIDS biologically. He just claims this little girl as his daughter because he was in a relationship with her mom and he started taking care of the little girl. This has been going on for about 10yrs and I am just now coming into his life for about a year. I noticed that he always made it his duty to call the little girl and text all day. He even was talking to the mother a lot as well. I knew it was something going on but he told me he wasn't with the girls mother. So I started snooping around looking through his phone, and I found texts from the mother,and also pictures of the mother in the phone. Everytime I would ask him, he would get made and tell me nothing was going on. I knew better. So I took the mother number out the phone just in case I needed to call. So finally my man was telling me he had to go to Vegas for a seminar. The night before he left, the mother text at 12:30am talking about she need to use his credit card to get a rental car. I confronted him, and he played me off like it was nothing. Finally the day came for him to leave and he did. I was ok because I trusted he was going to be on some business. However, when he told me he wasn't going to be able to talk to me while he was driving because he didn't want any police to bother him, that raised a red flag. He called me at his rest stops, and I was excited to hear from him. But later on, I decided to call the mother's phone with a blocled number. As soon as she answered, I heard my mans voice in the back ground. He was in Vegas with his ex( the mother of the daughter he claims). I immediately called his phone but he didn't answer. It was confirmed he was with her. So I called her back and she told me everything how they still have sex, how he always come to her house, and how they are just friends but my man still want people to believe that they are still together and also that he will never introduce her daughter to me bacause he still want her to believe that no other female is important than the two of them. I was mad as hell. I ignored all his calls and I was really thru with him. He didn't even make an attempt to come back because he said he rode in the car with them. When they got back she called me and told me they continued to have sex after she hung up in Vegas with me, so I called my man and asked him and he told me they did. That explained to me that he really didn't give a dam about me. I still took him back but I told him he havr to cut the mother off for good because I don't trust that. He said he would, but I found out he called her about some other stuff later that month. She kept calling him and leaving crazy messages about how she needed closure still, and I just felt like she didn't need anything she got all she could get in Vegas, plus she is not real his baby's mother. My man ended up going to a banquet for the daughter, and the mother was there. He didn't take me, and I knew something was up again. But he came home right after the banquet ended and told me nothing happend. But just to mention he talked to the mother on the phone, while I was right there, but he pretended it was the daughter. Now I don't even like when he do things for the daughter because I haven't even met her yet, she 16yrs old. Also I believe he still talk to the mother low key, but he hides it from me because he know I will trip. What should I do?
Note: the mother/ex would do anything to keep him in her life because she has no self esteem and she looney literally...so she will still mess with him knowing he has a new girlfriend because she feel like he loves her so much because he takes care of her daughter and they have 10yrs on/off.

Ok let me first address the issue you're having with his relationship with his daughter. It's understandable that you're now uneasy with the father/daughter relationship, #1 because you haven't met her, and #2 because he's used the daughter to perpetrate a lie (talking to the mother when he says it's the daughter). However this is a battle that you will not win. You don't want to get into a tug of war with him over his daughter, it's not really about her. The fact that she's not biologically his daughter only bothers you because he cheated with her mother. If you were to take yourself out of the equation, you would probably say that he should be commended for stepping up and raising a child that's not his, especially considering the fact that he and the mother have called it quits, because despite the break up, the children shouldn't have to suffer.

Now, what should you do? You've caught him cheating, and he's admitted to it, now you're caught in a "I don't want to stay, but I don't want to go", state of mind. And it's really not that you don't want to stay, it's that you don't want to stay if it's going to continue to be like this. Believe me I understand. The silver lining here is that clearly you both want to make it work, that's the most important thing. If he wanted to be with her, this would have been the perfect scenerio to push him along, especially since she is willing to take him back, but he stayed. If you didn't have it in you to make it work, this was the perfect opportunity for you to leave, but you stayed. This is a good thing. I also noticed that you mentioned her leaving a message stating that she "needs closure", that means that he has left her alone for the time being, has somehow tried to break things off, or hasn't been dealing with her in the way he used to, and she wants to know if it's really over this time. No one knows the answer to this question but him, and unfortunately until you regain the trust you lost in him, the days ahead will be agonizing for you, because you will be haunted by paranoia and suspision. The fact that he will still have to deal with her in order to deal with his daughter, still remains. However you have a heads up now, because he now knows that you and the childs mother have communicated, and that there's a chance you two might talk again, so now he's going to think twice before jumping into bed with her again, because the thought of her telling you is in the back of his mind. Don't make this other woman, your obsession, I know it's hard not to, but you two will never regain the trust and move on if you're constantly thinking about her, talking about her, or looking for her (in his phone etc..). You know your man. If you believe in your heart that he is now making an effort to fix this, then try your best little by little to let this go, the old saying "once a cheater always a cheater" is not always true. It will take time. However by all means keep your eyes and ears wide open, and let him know that you stayed out of love, and that this second chance he's been given is in no way any type of guarantee that you'll stick around if history should repeat itself.

THE EX FACTOR

2011-09-15T01:26:00.000-07:00

OMG...I have a boyfriend who I love so much. However, he has an ex-girlfriend that he considers a "Good friend." I feel its nothing wrong with having a friend, but when I find text messages in his phone that he send to her saying how he loves her, and also text message from her calling him pet names such as "DAD" that's when a problem is set with me. Now I told my boyfriend I am not at all happy with that, and I don't trust what's going on, but he said he talk to the ex-girlfriend/good friend about the pet names, and it won't happen again. Then all of a sudden an emergency situation happened and the ex-girl was in the hospital due to medical issues, and she asked my boyfriend to house-sit for her. My boyfriend had no problem helping her and began to go to the ex house everyday to make sure the house was ok and the cat was fed. He even took me one time, and I was just watching to see how did he act around the house, and he knew the house all too well. He even went into the bedroom and was looking for some glasses, but that's when I knew he been in the bedroom more than he should've been. After that, I told him again how it bothers me that it seems as if he cares for this "EX" too much, but all he did was listen and tell me that he is sorry but he will not cut off his friend for me because they have more than 10yrs history and he's not that type of person to do so. In result to that, he even went to go visit the girl in the hospital after that. I was upset and again, I voiced how I feel. But in my heart I feel that I am his woman and the ex is a past thing. Its cool to be friends but it just seems like too much. I try to work with it but, every now and then I will get fed up because I don't like that they communicate so much. Also, just make note that his mail still goes to the ex-girlfriend house and I feel like he uses that as an excuse to see her and keep her content. I have my own place but when I asked him why he don't have his mail go to my place he said because he don't no how long ima be living there. I believe they still do undercover things because I remember he told me the ex girl told him he can come back home at anytime. Now what is wrong with that picture?
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

There's a few things wrong with this picture. It is not at all uncommon for a couple to break up and remain friends, in fact, if the couple remains friends , that means that it was probably a mutual break up. If it were a break up that occured as the result of a fight or disagreement where one person was angry and called it off, it would be more likely that they would patch it up and reconcile. however when there's a mutual break up it's usually because both parties have decided that it's not working, and they've made their peace with it. It's important that you let him know your concerns about the nature of their relationship, without giving ultimatums, people generally don't respond well to them especially not men. Try setting boundaries instead, and letting him know that certain things like her calling him "dad" has to stop, because you feel disrespected. The issues about the house sitting ( "him knowing the house all too well"), and the mail, are not the real problem here. So don't argue back and forth about these "issues", get to the root of the "problem", which is that you think he's cheating. period. If he was willing to take you to the house with him, and agreed to talk to her about the "pet names", then it sounds as if he's trying to address your concerns, as long as he continues to do that, and unless you find concrete evidence that he is in fact being unfaithful, trust your man...but still keep your eyes open.

SPARE THE ROD...

2011-09-12T18:25:00.000-07:00

Nikki,
My husband and I are at war about child rearing. Our son is 3 years old, people say that I have spoiled him, but I don’t think so. I admit that he can be hard to handle, and doesn’t listen. He acts out in public, we are always being approached by security and managers about his behavior in stores. He breaks and throws things when we try to stop him, and he doesn’t get along well with other children. My husband thinks we should spank him, I say no. He’s a boy, and I think that if I spank him he will grow up to hate women. It might sound crazy but that’s how I feel. I don’t even like the way my husband plays with him, sometimes I feel he’s too rough, I don’t want my son to grow up to be to hard. My husband and I argue all the time about this, he thinks I’m making him soft. He’s just a baby how do I make my husband understand this?
　

I agree with you both. As a mother of a small son myself, I understand the bond between mother and son. I also understand the tendency for mothers to be lenient when it comes to disciplining their boys. Men are by nature more thick skinned and tougher than we are, and no father wants his son to grow up and be “soft” we as women don’t call it soft we call it sensitive. The bottom line is, you have to discipline your son, that’s the way he will learn right from wrong, and the difference between acceptable and unacceptable behavior. He has to be made to respect authority, take responsibility for his actions, and accept the consequenses of those actions, or in time he will run into a lifetime of very serious problems, in school, and maybe even with the law, kids who don’t respect authority turn into adults who don’t respect authority. Let’s also not forget the fact that nobody likes dealing with someone elses bad ass kids! You’re going to have a hard time finding babysitters, and he’s going to have a hard time making and keeping friends. The method of discipline should be one that you both can settle on. I’m gonna have to agree with the old proverb on this one “spare the rod spoil the child”. Boys who are beaten and abused by their mothers can grow up to hate women, not boys who are disciplined out of love. If you can’t stomach it, then let your husband handle the discipline aspect of it, but I caution you, that if you do that, then you run the risk of your son not respecting you as he gets older. You would be surprised how resilient children are, you can discipline your child for unacceptable behavior, they’ll be upset one minute and they’re over it the next. So don’t worry about him hating you. As far as your husband , playing rough, I wouldn’t worry about it. Unless he’s hurting him, let the boys play! Keep in mind your husband loves him too, he’s not going to intentionally hurt his baby. The funny thing is that if you had a baby girl, you would probably be the one complaining about his inability to discipline. I especially understand your feelings if this is your first and only child. Trust me, it’ll get easier, just let go a little and let your husband father his son, I’m assuming your husband is a good man, so believe that he knows what to do, to make a good man out of your baby boy.
　

GOD BLESS THE CHILD

2011-09-10T09:36:00.000-07:00

Help!
I am at my witts end. I am 41 years old and have raised my 17 year old daughter by myself. I married and divorced her father at a very young age, she has not seen her father since she was a baby. We are originally from a small town, but when she was 13 we maved to a big city, it has been nothing but problems since then. For the past 4 years she has been involved with drugs and alcohol, she has been kicked out of school because of ditching and behavioral problems, she is now home schooled, which she is not participating in. she has stolen money and other items from me, and now some of our fights have gotten physical. I am currently involved with a man who has recently asked me to marry him. The problem is that he has 3 children 8, 6, and 12 years old, his ex wife has custody but the children spend weekends and summers with us. My fiance has said that I need to do something about my daughters disrespect and obnoxious behavior. He doesn’t want it around his children and he can’t stand the fighting anymore. Recently she stole a ring from my fiance that was sentimental to him and now he wants her to go. I don’t know what to do, she is my only child and I can’t abandon her, I don’t want to feel like I’m putting a man before her. I have been alone for a long time, and I love my fiance, I don’t want to lose him, but I don’t want to lose my daughter either. I don’t know what to do, please help.
　

No worries, I’m gonna help alright. 5 words “straighten up or get out!”. there are so many issues here, let me go in one step at a time. First off, and the most concerning is the physical fighting, if your daughter feels like she is grown enough to fight her mother, than she is grown enough to get out and be on her own, it’s unacceptable, period. Her drinking and drug use is most likely a result of some type of unresolved pain she is feeling, I’m not sure what it’s from, it might be from the relocation, leaving her friends and family, maybe she had a difficult time adjusting from small town to big city life, or it could be the absence of her father, but whatever it is, I would suggest counseling, this is a prime example of 2 people who need an objective third party to talk to. It’s time for you to take control here, you can not allow her to disturb the peace in your home, I totally understand where your fiance is coming from, he has to worry about his own children and what they’re exposed to, and the fact that she stole something that was sentimental to him, let’s me know that she has absolutely no respect for you, him or your relationship. Your first priority is your daughter, it’s your responsibility to find her some help, and make it available to her. That’s it. Let her know that counseling and attending school is mandatory if she wants to continue living under your roof, and if she wants you to continue feeding and clothing her. I understand your aprehension about putting her out in the streets, there are other options. Maybe she needs a change of scenery, maybe there is a family member that might take her in, someone that she respects, and someone who will not allow her to run over them. You can look to the courts, boot camps, or scared straight programs work also. If you’ve tried everything you can, and things still don’t change, she has to go. She’s almost an adult now, you don’t have to sacrifice your happiness for someone who doesn’t respect you, even if that someone is your daughter. She needs to grow up, the real world is nothing like mommys house, if she steals from the wrong person, or puts her hands on someone elses mother, she’s gonna find her lil self in some serious trouble. You’re not helping her by protecting her from this, you’re only crippling her. Better she learn from you than someone else, but if she insists on continuing with her self destructive behavior, she will have to learn the hard way, which is honestly how most of us learned anyway, through trial and error. Don’t feel guilty about letting go if you have to, she’ll be back. Stay in prayer.

MY GOODIES!!!

2011-09-09T08:39:00.000-07:00

Dear Nikki G,
I am a happily married woman , and have been for a year and a half. I am 21 and my husband is 43. My husband is a lot older but he treats me good and we love each other. The only problem I have is that he constantly wants to have sex. I know it seems like I should be the one always wanting it, but sometimes I’m just not in the mood, and he gets upset, and sometimes even accuses me of cheating, which I’m not. When we were dating we had sex sometimes 2 or 3 times a day, and sometimes we still do, but now sometimes I feel obligated to just because we’re married. I don’t want to push him into getting it elsewhere. Do you owe it to your husband to give him sex when he wants it?
　

You could start a war with this question. First and foremost I want to start by voicing my concern about the age difference. Now normally I wouldn’t, especially since my husband is 8 years younger then myself, and have dated both younger and older men in the past. But 22 years is a lifetime between a man and a woman. I’m wondering how long you dated this man before marrying him, and whether or not he’s been married before? You have to question a mans intentions when he’s dating a woman over a century his junior. I don’t think it’s out of the ordinary for a man his age to want to date a younger woman, for countless reasons, and not all are sexual. It’s also not unusual for women your age to seek older men, for various reasons. However marrying with this kind of gap in age and maturity is definitely something that hopefully you thought long and hard about before jumping into.
The answer is no. you do not owe your husband sex every time he wants it just because your married, nor should you feel obligated to. The tactics he is using to get sex from you such as, the cheating accusations, is his way of guilting you into it, and I’m pretty sure if you give in, you won’t enjoy it as much. Marriage is about compramise , and throughout your marriage you’ll find yourself doing a lot of it. Sex should be something both spouses enjoy, you’re not always going to want it at the same time, so sometimes as women, even if we don’t feel like it, we just go ahead and give him some anyway, but in your situation , I honestly think you should look deeper into why he married you. You need to make sure that his love, and this marriage is genuine and sincere and not some kind of sexually fueled fascination with young women mixed with a lil mid life crisis. You might find that the expectations he has for you , are not what you had in mind. This is why people should always have “the expectations” talk before getting married, both people should be open and honest and let no subject be taboo. Unrealistic expectations lots of times lead to disappointment. Step 1. Try talking to him and letting him know how it makes you feel when he pressures and guilts you into doing it, if you still don’t see a change, Step 2. Try not saying no. Maybe he feels rejected, try one of the old faithfuls like “I have a headache”, “I’m PMSing” or if things get desparate “I have diarrhea“, lol get creative now if these do not work, then you have to jump to Step 3. Look him dead in his eyes and calmly inform him that if he ever wants to get back in your cookie jar again, he needs to respect you and how you feel. It's just a sweet way of saying “get it together or your ass is going to be getting reaquainted with your five fingers for the next 2 weeks” lol good luck honey!

???WTH?!?

2011-09-07T12:16:00.000-07:00

Hey Nikki
I have a problem that nobody else seems to understand, maybe you will. My best friend and I have been friends for going on 14 years now. I love her dearly we have been through a lot together and helped each other some some tough times. In the past we both have dated a lot of guys and have been in very few serious relationships, we were party girls. 2 years ago she was dating this guy for almost a year, through their relationship he cheated, and they fought constantly. After they broke up she moved on to someone else and so did he. She is still with her new boyfriend and they are planning to get married. His new relationship however only lasted a couple of months. Her ex and I remained friends after their breakup and ended up dating. In the beginning I didn’t tell her that we were dating but when we started getting serious I told her, I figured she had moved on, was happy, and wouldn’t care. I was wrong! She totally blew up, and didn’t speak to me for a month. We started back speaking but things aren’t how they used to be. I don’t understand, even her fiance doesn’t understand why she cares if she’s in love with him now and about to get married. I wonder if she’s still in love with her ex and jealous of our relationship. I’m not apologizing anymore, but I don’t want to let our friendship go especially over a man. What to do?

???WHAT THA HELL!?? Girl I’m glad you wrote in because clearly you need a reality check! First and foremost you broke the main rule of sisterhood. Never ever date your friends man, ex included. I don’t understand why you would even want to! If you saw first hand that he wasn’t shit while he was with her, why would you want him? Trust me it won’t be long before you’re going through the exact same things she went through. Have you ever thought that he may be using you to get back at her, because he’s jealous of her new found happiness. In my book you are worse than him. Betrayed by her best friend. SMDH… you were lucky she ever spoke to you again at all, that just goes to show her love for you. Things will probably never be the same again because she can’t trust you, probably doesn’t trust you around her new man either. There are millions of men on planet earth, why your best friends ex??? I think you need to address your subconscious need to hurt her. Where does it come from? Is it something she did to you in the past? Or do you secretly wish you were her? Whatever it is you need to pinpoint it and fix it before you end up friendless, and lonely, or someone else who is not as understanding as she is, hurts your ass behind your sneaky backstabbing. The only way I can see you salvaging what’s left of this friendship is if you give her a sincere and heartfelt apology, which you can’t do because you don’t believe that what you’re doing is wrong, and most importantly you have to leave him alone, he has got to go! What do you expect? that the 4 of you will be able to have dinner, or get together and hang out? Why should she be forced to deal with a man that obviously hurt her and caused her pain, just because you’re humping him now. Girl please! You are delusional and out of touch. If she is half as fired up about this as I am you can probably consider this friendship over. What a shame…