Now that we have explored the one extreme of the scale when it comes to give and take, we are ready to see the other side.  If you are interested in catching up on what’s been done so far, please stop reading, fill in your details on the right and download the e-book so you can also receive all the updates.

Let’s start with a question:  Do you know anybody who doesn

‘t allow any other way than their way?  Ever worked for a boss who is always in control and does everythingthemselves as they “don’t trust anybody to do the job as well as they can?”  Have you ever felt like you know better, and if everybody would just listen to you, the world would be a better place?

If you can relate to any of these 3 examples, or you know somebody like this, you will see a whole new side of this story today.  All of this is, off course, still related to people’s Highest Values.

Because the world is a diverse place, everybody needs to have different skills, interests and opinions for things to work.  If everybody had the same opinion and skills, or nobody every challenged an accepted view, we would still be thinking that the world is flat and we are at the center of the universe!

Every opinion, every skill and every type of person have their place in this world, but this is not so obvious for most people.  Some think they are superior or “better” in some way.  Racism, Sexism, Politics, Religions… these are all examples of “systems of thought” that makes somebody right, and somebody wrong (or make certain people more important than others).

But who is supposed to be the judge of this?  Who has the right to say what is right or good?  Science are the only “system of thought” that can make statements that are proven with probability rates and counter studies.  People in the field of science will not get angry if you prove them wrong, as they know that new technology and new insights come along all the time to get an even deeper understanding of how the world works!  This will probably drive them more to find a deeper understanding and in the process discover new facts.

Before I completely go off track… let’s get back to how the world works with regards to Values:

Many people in this world see what they do as the best way to do things, since it works for them.  The reason they enforce their ways is, according to them,  because they want the best for you, because they love you, but in saying that, they actually take away from who you are and what makes you unique.  Giving them this power over you by allowing them to rule your life, either by emotional blackmail, guilt trips, or pure domination is something you will have to go through so you can learn certain lessons from that experience.

These people are in your life for a reason, to teach you something… but what this is, you have to learn for yourself.  You could refer back to the previous 3 posts for some tips.

If you are the type of person who “always know best”, we know you do this out of love, but the lesson you need to learn is to humble yourself to the amazing people in your life, learning to love diversity and realise that without these people, you cannot survive.  There are an interdependence among all of us and once you realise this, you will learn to love parts of yourself you didn’t know existed.

Everybody has different Values, no two people are alike.  Everybody is needed to make this world work… the sooner we can learn to trust that others have value to add if we allow them to be themselves, the sooner we will get to where we need to go.

Learn more here: Reality Squared

In the previous post I explained potential reasons why some people choose to give up their Highest Values (i.e. what they need or want most), for others.  There is also another side to this story, but I wanted to give you that information first, otherwise you are likely to put yourself into this category without being honest with yourself and really thinking about what you do.  If you have not yet read the previous posts, do so now, and do the exercises given.

Part 1, Part 2

The law of reciprocity states that the universe will give to you whatever you have given.  This is undeniably true, but if you have any doubts about this, it is probably because you don’t recognise the form in which the universe gives to you… this concept is explained in more detail in Chapter 5 in my e-book.

The problem that people experience when jumping straight to this law as their reason for giving instead of what I have mentioned in the previous posts, is the emotion that is attached to the giving and receiving, they think they are giving because they want to, but if you did the previous exercises properly and honestly, I am sure you understand how many times you give to others with conditions.

Fact:  people give and receive all the time.  However, giving from conditional space with emotional attachment;  will have a different effect than giving unconditionally.  Here is an example of giving in a love relationship:

Jane and her partner Tom is deeply in love.  Jane loves giving to Tom since seeing him happy, makes her happy.  She gives to him in different ways:  giving up her tennis lessons to spend more time and money with him, doing his laundry and dishes since she’s got more free time at home and spends weekends with him at home rather than seeing her friends.  She does this all with love and from the bottom of her heart.  After about 3 years, Jane feels like Tom is not giving as much in the relationship as she does, she never see her friends, miss playing tennis, and feel like tom is not doing enough around the house as far as cleaning goes.  She feels that even when they are at home together, Tom is not putting in enough effort to spend time with her, he would rather choose to read or work at home, even on weekends!

Can you relate to this story at all?  Do you know people like this?

This is actually a case study straight from my archives;  I just changed the names and other minor details.  I had a session with Jane about this, as she was feeling resentful and angry towards Tom for not spending enough time with her, not cleaning enough around the house, and never compromise when she wants to do something different.  She felt she was giving more than he did.

Who is the person who needs to learn to take responsibility in this example? If your answer is Jane, you are correct, if your answer is Tom, you better keep reading…

Tom has no idea about any of the things Jane chose to give up for him.  She has been giving to him with the “unwritten” expectation that he will spend more time with her.  In effect, this means that she put a “condition” on what she gave.  Conditional giving is the surest way of getting hurt;  as you have an expectation of getting back from the same person in a specific form… you will most likely not even notice what has been given back to you on a universal level, as you are so focused on the specific thing you want instead.

Unconditional giving is the only way you can truly give, as this means you wanted to give, without receiving anything back.  Conditional giving will end up in anger, resentment, hurt or disappointment, or it was driven by fear, guilt or shame.

Why am I telling you all this?

Here is the answer you have been looking for all along…

If you always do what is Highest on Your Values, you will never do or give anything you didn’t want to do or give.  You won’t have unreasonable expectations from anybody as you are doing what you love and expect them to do the same.  You will never experience disappointment, resentment or anger because you don’t expect anything in return.  Your actions and gifts will also not be motivated by fear, guilt or shame as you will always be clear on what you want and nobody will convince you otherwise…

If you do anything outside of your Highest Values, you are living according other peoples values, their expectations and their needs… you are not them, stop living their lives!   You will not get what you want;  you will get what they want.  There is a saying:  You are always enrolled in somebody’s dream, either your own, or somebody else‘s.

Exercise: Write down the expectation or condition you placed on your “giving” for each of the people on your list (From the exercises in Part 1 and Part 2).  Once you have done this, realise that for every condition you give, you are either doing something outside of your highest values or you are attached to a specific outcome.  If this is the case, make sure you communicate this expectation to others involved;  this will lessen the chance of you getting hurt in the process. If they don’t agree to the conditions mentioned, stop giving if they are not willing to reciprocate in the form you were expecting.  This will save you a lot of bottled up emotion and get you moving in the direction of your “true highest values”.

Just to clarify, I’m not saying you shouldn’t give;  in fact, giving is what life is all about!  Just be aware of your intentions and expectation, since that will make all the difference.

I talk to people all the time without charging them for the conversation, since that is the topic I love talking about, but I know where my limits are with regards to “giving free advice” since people won’t use advice if they “get it for free” since they don’t see the value in what they were given.  For them to take responsibility for the changes they want to make, I have to get some form of payment from them, so they “invest” in the process.  “If you give somebody advice for free, they are likely to ignore it, the more they pay for it, the more likely they are to apply it.” – This has been proved by many studies all over the world.

Learn more here: Reality Squared

If you have not read Part 1 of this series, please click here to catch up.

So far we have mentioned that there are some underlying reasons why people will ignore what is most important to them and choose to follow other people’s Values instead.  I also mentioned that you can only take care of others once you have taken care of yourself… so here is some more information and an exercise to help you understand this even better.

If you are in a relationship or a job where you feel that your needs aren’t met, why are you still there?  If you valued yourself, you would not be there (some of you might disagree, but this is true with one exception:  if you feel there is something there for you to learn).  It really is that simple!

I am not saying you have to leave your job or relationship straight away, but at least make an effort to improve things so you get what you need and if THAT doesn’t work, then leave.

As with anything in life though, communication is key, learning how to speak in somebody else’s value systems will get you very far in getting what you want… you have to learn how to “ask” in the right way.  This will be discussed in more detail in a few weeks from now.

If you stay in a specific type of situation that is not optimal for your health, relationships, finances or yourself, you are there because it serves you on some level, and yes,  it is your choice to be there, otherwise you wouldn’t be.  You always have the choice! Everybody has a story (which are ultimately reasons or excuses) to tell about why they do what they do, why things are the way they are and why their life ended up the way it is now.  Stories are your justification for things happening;  it makes you feel better about things that are not really as good as it could be… it’s a boundary that you set for yourself.

This same story that makes you feel better about your situation, is unfortunately also the “story” that keeps you in that situation until you decide to change the “story“, only then can you let go of the boundaries and expand. Holding on to your boundaries might cause resentment and anger later in life, as you will never seem to get what you want… this will ultimately lead to pain, illness and disease.  (Stories you tell yourself can either put you into the “victim mentality”, or it can empower you, which one do you choose?)

There are off course 2 sides to every story, and in part 3 there will be more information on this topic.

In the meantime, here is an exercise for you:

Exercise:  Next to each of these names with an arrow next to it, write down the story that is your justification or reason for this situation.  Example:  John Smith? : he is my boss so I have to listen to him otherwise I will lose my job.

Now, as usual, keep this list in a safe place, as we will add some more information to these answers later.

In the next post I will discuss this dynamic from a different perspective as there is always more than 1 explanation to everything, however, if you are hurt or angry with what I just said, or if you have realised some things already and you just want to talk about your situation, please visit the Services or FAQ section of my website… I am looking forward to hearing from you!

Learn more here: Reality Squared

Our values are like a hidden priority list that is stored in our minds.  Every second of every day we get bombarded with information from the external and internal world, but there is no way you can process all this information.  Before your reality is created, your mind has a filtering process that only allows the most relevant information through… one of these filters is your “Highest Values”. If you have read my free e-book, this should make sense, and if it doesn’t, arrange a Skype session with me so I can explain this.  If you have not read the e-book, stop what you are doing, fill in your details on the right and download the e-book now.

Since we do what is most important to us in any given moment, we will always live according to our Highest Values and get exactly what we want… right?  Wrong!

There are a couple of reasons why people would choose to give up what is important to them.  They will not live according to their own Highest Values but rather live according to the values of some “higher power” (government, religious, cultural) or somebody they value more than themselves (business, relationships, family).  Here are just a few reasons for this:

• Lack of self-worth
• Fear of rejection
• Lack awareness of self and universal laws
• Religious beliefs
• Don’t like taking responsibility for actions
• Limiting beliefs and decision that cause inflexible boundaries

Now some of you will disagree with the reasons above, since these are the reasons you choose to give:

• I like seeing others happy, it makes me happy
• It is my duty
• It is the right/responsible thing to do
• My religious beliefs says that I have to give to others and love my neighbor as myself
• I just want people to like me
• If I don’t, I get in trouble
• It is just what was dealt for me in this life;  it’s just the way it is.

(the only exclusions from this list would be significant life changing events, like having a child, accidents etc)

Please realise that these are just the stories you tell yourself, but they are actually symptomatic thoughts of some underlying problems mentioned in the list at the top.  Ultimately, if you are not following your Highest Values, you are devaluing yourself.

There is a great metaphor for this that they use on commercial airlines:  “put your own mask on before helping others”.  There is a reason for this!

You are no good to the others if you don’t take care of your own needs first… however humble you think you are for always helping others, or making them happy, you are digging your own grave slowly but surely.  Worst of all is that you probably end up with anger and resentment to the people in your life for the fact that your needs were never met.

It is only once you realise that you CAN fulfill your needs AND others’ needs that you are able to take care of your own needs and give to others in a balanced, unconditional way.  Slaying yourself for other people is NOT “humble” or “responsible”, in fact, quite the opposite.

Exercise 1: Before you go to the next post, make a list of people in your life, list as many people as you know, whether they are from your family, business or friends… they can also be from your past.

Exercise 2: On this list of relationships you made,  whether business, family and love relationships (it could also be an institution like government or religion);  make an upwards arrow next to the ones where you feel the following:

• You give more than you receive
• Your needs are not taken into consideration
• You feel drained after spending time with this person/in this place or just thinking about it
• You feel resentful or angry towards them for the fact that they keep taking from you (energy, money, time etc.)
• You feel pressured by feelings of guilt or shame to do/give certain things to them

List as many people and institutions as you can!

I will expand more on this in the next posts, so don’t go too far!  There are quite a bit more to this subject than what was mentioned above.

Learn more here: Reality Squared

Ever felt warmth in your heart that is linked to a tear in your eye… all just because you look or listen to something so beautiful, you cannot explain it in words?  It could be a sunset, a mountain, a waterfall, a small puppy, newborn baby or a masterpiece by Mozart.

Some things in life are inspiring beyond words.  Some of these things are a bit more complicated than the examples listed above;  these are usually related to events or achievements. I’ll give you an example:  I love the human body and what it’s capable of, so every time I watch gymnastics on television, I literally get a tear in my eye when gymnasts do a high level performance, as it shows what our bodies are capable off.

Before moving on to the example though, this is your last chance to do all the previous exercises if you haven’t done them yet… remember, you need all your answers to determine your Highest Values!

Exercise 1, Exercise 2, Exercise 3, Exercise 4, Exercise 5, Exercise 6, Exercise 7, Exercise 8, Exercise 9, Exercise 10, Exercise 11

Once you know what your Highest Values are, you will understand you life much better.  You can change your relationships, learn how to deal with negotiations and conflict and have a reality completely different from the one you had before.

Values determine most things people do, think, say and act on… therefore, if you understand somebody else’s values, you could utilise that so you NEVER have to compromise again.

Now it’s time to find out what it is that inspires you?  What gets you up in the morning?  What makes you want to “go out there and get ‘em?”  Something that inspires you will make your heart beat faster, bring tears of inspiration to your eyes;  nobody needs to motivate you to do the things you are inspired by.

Examples:

Another example, just to clarify and explain in a better way…  If somebody is inspired by having eternal life as certain religions promises them, nobody will need to motivate them to go to church, to pray or to read their sacred scripture…  their actions will be aligned with the teachings as they know that this is the only way for them to get what they want, i.e. eternal life.  In this case this (or something similar) will be their answers:

prayer – eternal life (please note, the answer is not religion, but eternal life, since that is the ultimate need)

Here is mine:

So… what is it that gives you that feeling of inspiration?  What or who is it that makes your heart skip a beat when you realise what is possible… and what about this person or situation is it that forms the trigger for you?

Question 12:  What inspires you? When thinking about things that brings a tear of inspiration to your eye, what did that situation involve?  What did this person do?  What is the event that inspires you to get up and do something?

Well done!  You now have a list of 36 answers, some of which will hopefully be repeated…

Next up… figuring out what your actual Hierarchy of Values are… for this, you need to be on my mailing list as you will receive that in that part in the next email.  If you are not yet on my mailing list, it means that you have not yet downloaded the e-book on this website.  If you haven’t read the book, you will not understand why your Hierarchy of Values are important, so if you want to get the final answers, please make sure you are on my mailing list and you have read the book.  You will receive the email about 2 days after the last one that lead you to this page

Learn more here: Reality Squared

You are probably thinking… what else could there possibly be that shows you what is important in your life?  Well, have you ever overheard people talking to themselves?  Everybody has a little voice in their head… this voice usually expresses whatever is on your mind.  Not everybody talks out loud;  some people keep it purely in their mind.  This is called “self talk”.

Self-talk is the monologue or running commentary on whatever is happening right now, what is one the forefront of your mind, or things that you are worried about most.  These words can either be very self-destructive, or you could have empowering sentences, called affirmations.

If you have heard me say this before, skip this part and go to the next paragraph, but if you haven’t, you probably haven’t done the previous exercises that are part of this series, so you will have no idea what this is all about!  If you haven’t done the exercises explaining Values, please do them now!  Start with 1 and work your way through to number 10, this is exercise number 11.  This is all about finding your Highest Values.

Exercise 1, Exercise 2, Exercise 3, Exercise 4, Exercise 5, Exercise 6, Exercise 7, Exercise 8,Exercise 9, Exercise 10,

Right, before the voice in your head takes over again, let’s get back to my voice.  Noticing your self-talk could be difficult for some people, since they are not aware of the fact that they are not their thoughts.Here are a few examples just to stimulate your mind a bit….

In this situation, you might have to ask the second question again, since conforming to a group or keeping others happy might not be the answer you are looking for… in this case, ask yourself:  What is the higher level need that these things fulfill? Your answer might look like this:

I don’t deserve… – keeping others happy – social acceptance

Therefore in the right hand side’s box your answer will be “social acceptance”… this will be the final answer we will look at later.

Or

In this situation you might also have to do as explained above… your answer will look like this:

I can achieve whatever… – Empowered beliefs – Self empowerment

As you can see, these are 2 wildly different types of Self-talk;  both are fine for this example.  I don’t want you to give me a sentence that comes up only once a day, there are certain patterns of thought that should be clear to you, they will stand out… you will hear them in your head constantly and repeatedly.

Here is mine:

Now it’s your turn…

Question 11:  What do you say to yourself most often? What do you talk to yourself about in your own mind when nobody is listening?  If I could stick a recorder in your mind… what would be the most likely conversation I will hear?

well, done, 11 done, 1 more to go!

Learn more here: Reality Squared

Everybody always talks about goal setting, whether in business, sports or finances, but not many people really understand what goals are or how they work.  To prove this point, think about the amount of times you have spoken to people who say they will be doing something in the future, but it never realises.  How often have you set goals for yourself that never see the light of day?

Before we get to a point where all your goals come into existence though, I just want to make sure that we all started at the starting blocks, so if you haven’t done the exercises explaining Values, please do them now otherwise the answers you get will not mean much!  Start with 1 and work your way through to number 9, this is exercise number 10.

Exercise 1, Exercise 2, Exercise 3, Exercise 4, Exercise 5, Exercise 6, Exercise 7, Exercise 8, Exercise 9

Let’s get back to the game of life

The problem with goals most people pursue is that the goals are not aligned with their Highest Values.  You tend to spend time, money and energy on your Highest Values, you are organised, disciplined and talk about it.  Without these things, you will never reach your goals… and something more important will always be in the way of you achieve the goals you set for yourself.

Important note: If you haven’t got any goals you are moving towards, you will not experience many obstacles, since there is no movement.  As soon as you place a goal in your future, obstacles will pop up all over the place… this is the time to get excited, since you know you are moving forward!

When you achieve your goals, they are most likely in line with your Highest Values, so these are the ones we need to focus on in this exercise.  The goals you have set might not necessarily be something you thought long and hard about, you might not have written them on a piece of paper, and you might not even realise that you have set this goal, but your life will show you which goals you have chosen by showing up in your life.  Here are some examples:

These are just a few examples… but in your case, I would like you to write only the thing that you can see happening at the moment, or something that has already come true in the last few months.  This will give you a good indication of your Highest Values.

Here is mine:

All of these goals have been ongoing in my life for at least 4 years and all of them is either nearing a point of actualising, or has already materialised… I don’t want to know about any of your goals if they have not been part of your life for at least 3 years and if they are not already in the process of becoming true and you can see the progress.

So the question is…

Question 10:  What goals have you set in the past that you can now see come true in the present moment? We tend to spend our energy and efforts on making our most important goals happen.

I will go deeper into goal setting and realisation of goals at some other point, but for now, we just need to know these answers, so keep them safe.

Learn more here: Reality Squared

I don’t know if you have realised this yet, but if I talk about my holiday, telling you about the lovely beach I went to, with white sands and palm trees… you are making pictures in your head of whatever I am saying.  Ever heard somebody say: “I can picture that”?  That is because they are literally making pictures in their mind of whatever you say.

Whatever you think of, whether in the future or the past, forms pictures are then stored in a specific place, and every time you think of that specific event or “expected” future event, that specific picture will be recalled.

Before we move on, I just want to make sure we are all on the same page, so if you haven’t done the exercises explaining Values, please do them now!  Start with 1 and work your way through to number 8, this is exercise number 9.

Exercise 1, Exercise 2, Exercise 3, Exercise 4, Exercise 5, Exercise 6, Exercise 7, Exercise 8

Now, you remember the picture you made of what I said earlier? Recall that!  What I would like to know from you, is what pictures you are making about your future.  When you think of your future, what are the pictures that you have already made, that is coming up every time you think about your life 2, 10 or 25 years from now?  I will not be going into detail with this part, but if you have come across the “law of attraction”, you might realise that whatever you visualise most, will most likely be bought into your reality… but this is a discussion for another time.

Here are some examples:

Here is mine:

So, the question remains… what do you see in your future?  What are the pictures you have stored about the way that your life will be?

Question 9:  What do you visualise most? When thinking about your future… what are the pictures that come to your mind most often?

Wow, doesn’t it feel good seeing your future?

Learn more here: Reality Squared

Have you ever met somebody who never says a word, and then suddenly, out of nowhere, somebody brings up a specific topic of conversation… and this “somebody” cannot stop talking! How often does it happen to you that you get caught in a conversation where time flies and suddenly you realise you missed your lift home!   You see, we tend to talk for hours about the things we are most interested in.

Before you move on to the next part, please do these exercises first, since this is exercise number 8, and you will have no idea what this is about if you haven’t done the first 7.  Click on the links below for each respectively:

Exercise 1, Exercise 2, Exercise 3, Exercise 4, Exercise 5, Exercise 6, Exercise 7… also, if you haven’t read the book yet, please enter your details on the right!

Right, let’s continue. Whenever you talk outside of somebody else’s value system, they will shut down.  When, on the other side, people talk about something that is Highest on your Values, you tend to connect instantly and the conversation can go for hours!  Whenever you meet new people, you tend to end up talking about things that are common to you both… this is how friends are made…  Focus too much on what you love, the other person might get bored, focus too much on what they love, and they might think you are closed off or secretive.  This doesn’t mean that you only make friends with people who have the same values as you… but that are a completely different discussion for another time though.

So, what is it that you can talk about for hours?  Which topic will you kick ass in if you had to discuss that in a debate?

Example:

Here is mine:

Your turn… what do you talk to strangers about?  How about your friends?  or random people on the bus?

Question 8:  What subject of conversation keeps you interested for hours at a time? If you meet a new person, what do you love bringing up in conversation?  Which topic of conversation makes you feel confident in talking about?

Till our next discussion…

Take care

Learn more here: Reality Squared

Have you ever noticed that there are some reoccurring thoughts running around in your mind?  Or even better yet, have you ever walked down the road when suddenly you notice that people are staring at you, only to realise that you were actually saying out loud what you were thinking in your head?  The things you think about most can tell you a lot about the things that are important to you, but what are these thoughts you are thinking?

Before you move on to the next part, please do these exercises first, since this is exercise number 7, and you will have no idea what this is about if you haven’t done the first 6.  Click on the links below for each respectively:

Exercise 1, Exercise 2, Exercise 3, Exercise 4, Exercise 5, Exercise 6

Before you start thinking of too many other things, let’s get back to this exercise.  Your thoughts will be filled with things related to your Highest Values, as the thing that is most often on your mind, is the things you want most in life.  If your child is on your mind, you tend to think of clothes, preparing them food, their school schedules, when their next play date is, and what you are going to buy them for their birthday.  Thoughts are evident of the things that are most important to us;  sometimes they can even consume us completely if we’re not careful!

The question is… what is on your mind?

Example:

Here is mine:

If you think about sex, the opposite sex, your favorite sex scene from a movie, sex toys or something similar… this is nothing to be ashamed of.  There is no such thing as “wrong” or “bad” thoughts.  Things that occupy your mind are there for a reason, and we will discuss this later.  Don’t judge it!  Be honest… it will pay off, promise

Question 7:  What do you think about most? Your thoughts will show you what is important to you, whatever you spend most of your time thinking about, is obviously important to you.

You will be happy to hear that we are now just over halfway, only 5 more questions to go!

Learn more here: Reality Squared