Really Bad Parenting Advice

Rule #60: Pack Smokes in Your Child’s Lunch

Father Knows Worst — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 14:27:46 +0000

var fbShare = {url: 'http://www.reallybadparentingadvice.com/pack-smokes-in-your-childs-lunch/',size:'large'}Remember those carefree days of your youth when long, semi-passionate drags on a Camel unfiltered cigarette during recess meant returning to the classroom with a slight buzz? Those were such wonderfully innocent times—and so different from the overly watchful and “health-oriented” school systems most of our children are [...]

Rule #59: Vacation in a Third World Country

Father Knows Worst — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 14:52:43 +0000

var fbShare = {url: 'http://www.reallybadparentingadvice.com/rule-59-vacation-in-a-third-world-country/',size:'large'}Your kid, like most American children, is spoiled shitless. He’s got an iPod, a television in his room – which he shares with no one – and you even let him have his own seat at your dining room table. Clearly, the rod has been spared and the child [...]

Rule #58: Admit Your Baby Isn’t Cute

Father Knows Worst — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 12:26:50 +0000

var fbShare = {url: 'http://www.reallybadparentingadvice.com/rule-58-admit-your-baby-isnt-cute/',size:'large'}Your baby is an impish, miniature troll, who’s mere appearance can devastate aspiring Miss America contestants into never doing a pageant again. You’ve been etching scars on friends and family members’ corneas with your wallet photos of “Ugly Jimmy” and in an honest moment, you realize you may [...]

Rule #57: Pick Up Chicks With Your Kid

Father Knows Worst — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 19:57:42 +0000

var fbShare = {url: 'http://www.reallybadparentingadvice.com/rule-57-pick-up-chicks-with-your-kid/',size:'large'}You are a walking, talking, blubbering Petri dish of insecurities. It’s obvious to everyone, even the blind dude with the dog that licks your loafers on the subway, but somehow you don’t see it—in much the same way you don’t see your unholy tangle of ear hair. But you [...]

Rule #56: Join Forces With the Monster Under the Bed

Father Knows Worst — Thu, 28 May 2009 14:56:07 +0000

var fbShare = {url: 'http://www.reallybadparentingadvice.com/rule-56-join-forces-with-monster-under-bed/',size:'large'}Every parent needs an ally, and there’s no better source of unknown evil to a toddler or small child than the monster under the bed. Use this sinister source to your advantage when trying to sway your child to follow any of your home’s random rules that, truth [...]

Rule #55: Scare Away Your Children’s Friends

Father Knows Worst — Fri, 08 May 2009 16:54:43 +0000

var fbShare = {url: 'http://www.reallybadparentingadvice.com/rule-55-scare-away-your-childrens-friends/',size:'large'}The only children who can be trusted are yours—and only if they’ve been sedated with warm milk and apple strudel. You don’t like the idea of other children or so-called “friends” influencing your brood with talk of the “internet” and its many electronic trappings, as well as using [...]

Rule #54: Demand Special Treatment For Your Child

Father Knows Worst — Wed, 06 May 2009 05:11:39 +0000

var fbShare = {url: 'http://www.reallybadparentingadvice.com/rule-54-demand-special-treatment-for-your-chil/',size:'large'}Your loins have produced offspring so genetically perfect that the rest of the world—otherwise known as the woefully inadequate—better just get the hell out of their way (your children’s way, not your loin’s). In school, in sports, in restaurants and even in personal grooming, never forget that, even [...]

Rule #53: Stunt Your Child’s Growth

Father Knows Worst — Tue, 05 May 2009 04:09:06 +0000

var fbShare = {url: 'http://www.reallybadparentingadvice.com/rule-53-stunt-your-childs-growth/',size:'large'}Your child has had the appetite of a ravenous hyena since the day he was born. It’s fairly sickening, actually, with off-the-charts growth (head, feet, adenoids), and his trips to the Waffle House have you heading toward the poor house. Which is why you should nip his big-boned future [...]

Rule #52: Give Your Child False Hope

Father Knows Worst — Mon, 04 May 2009 19:13:48 +0000

var fbShare = {url: 'http://www.reallybadparentingadvice.com/rule-52-give-your-child-false-hope/',size:'large'}Everything in life begins and ends with false hope, wagging in our collective faces like the plump teat from which we suck vigorously—only to realize it’s the equivalent of an implant. It is a fleshy mirage, and we feel like bitter fools after realizing our folly. This is the [...]

Rule #51: Ignore Swine Flu Warnings

Father Knows Worst — Fri, 01 May 2009 17:05:45 +0000

var fbShare = {url: 'http://www.reallybadparentingadvice.com/rule-51-ignore-swine-flu-warnings/',size:'large'}You’re not scared of the medical-hype machine with all this sky-is-falling crap about a pandemic, are you? We know the media overhypes everything, from those nasty rumors about cigarettes being addictive to the myth about condoms preventing AIDS and how chicks digs them, we know that the media [...]