Bad Parenting Advice

Rule #85: Refuse to Sign Any of Your Child’s School Paperwork

Father Knows Worst — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 15:10:24 +0000

Being difficult with people has so many nuances that it’s high art. And you are the Picasso of difficult. Trust us, everyone admires this quality in you, especially in the areas where your difficult nature rears itself like a reddish-purple boil that can’t decide if it wants to merely nag or set off Armageddon inside [...]

Rule #84: Own Wild Animals As Pets

Father Knows Worst — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 14:42:44 +0000

Have you ever witnessed the wonder in a child’s eyes when he spots a deer during one of your walks? We have. Many, many times. And while our first reaction is, “Hey, I bet it would be really cool and comforting to rub my face up against that deer’s lush white tail when I’m sleepy [...]

Rule #83: Teach Your Child to Shoplift

Father Knows Worst — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 11:58:02 +0000

Yes, it has come to this. Not necessarily because your paycheck is lighter or you’re struggling to pay the mortgage, but merely because of the existential thrill of giving your child career alternatives. Besides, everyone needs a hobby, and playing the clarinet will get your kid roughed up in school. Lest we forget, in the [...]

Rule #82: Back-to-School Shop at the County Dump

Father Knows Worst — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 12:08:45 +0000

It’s that glorious time of year when highly educated and underpaid personnel, otherwise known as teachers, take over your major responsibilities. And the mad men and women of Madison Avenue promote this seasonal transition with the idea of buying everything new: clothes, shoes, pencils and food stuffs like party wieners—all of which signal to your [...]

Rule #81: Use Hand-Me-Down Braces & Retainers

Father Knows Worst — Wed, 11 Aug 2010 00:11:59 +0000

Dentists are always trying to tell you that every child’s mouth is different. They’ll blather on about overbites and under-bites and pie-holes that are too big or too small. But, really, a mouth’s a mouth—and this happens to be your third child’s mouth, so it really makes no sense why you should have to pay [...]

Rule #80: Ban All Forms of Acne Medication

Father Knows Worst — Tue, 03 Aug 2010 04:13:15 +0000

The dull pain, hovering below your skin like teenage heartache itself, began around 3 p.m. By 5, a mere hour before you were to pick up your date, the missile penetrated and expanded your pores in a flame of shame. That’s right, you possessed—like some kind of suburban booby prize—a mammoth zit with a fury [...]

Rule #79: Never Stop for Bathroom Breaks on Family Road Trips

Father Knows Worst — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 15:22:38 +0000

There’s no good reason why you need to get from Omaha to Yellowstone in 12 hours, other than your brother Nick said he pulled it off in college in a VW bus. And Nick has pretty much been humiliating you in everything from dating to badminton to mustache-grooming since you were teens, and you’ll be [...]

Rule #78: Give Your Baby Plastic Surgery

Father Knows Worst — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 18:42:02 +0000

Well, sure, your kid is 6 months old, and people keep telling you how cute she is. But as they ramble, you sort of detect a tone that says, “But, looking at you, I’d say your baby’s cuteness won’t last long—I give it maybe another three or four months, tops.” This near-sighted buffoon might be [...]

Rule #77: Raise Your Child in a Barn

Father Knows Worst — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 13:20:11 +0000

Organic farming practices are something to adore. They produce gnarled, marble-size potatoes and apples as tasty as a kiss from a farmer who has been making his own organic toothpaste since 1965. Which is why it makes perfect sense to raise what we like to call “organic barn children.” Organic barn children are a bold [...]

Rule #76: Dump Your Kids on Other Parents

Father Knows Worst — Thu, 15 Jul 2010 14:54:53 +0000

So, you have this sweet opportunity to attend a semi-nude Renaissance Festival in upstate New York where a couple of dudes from Phish (including the back-up drummer) are playing on Saturday night. The tickets are cheap, the timing is right (the kids are only playing four soccer games on Saturday instead of six), and you [...]