Really Bad Parenting Advice

Rule #65: Put Your Kid in Timeout at an Orphanage

Father Knows Worst — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 16:32:50 +0000

Joshua’s done it again: After you’ve repeatedly told him not to roast his sister’s training bra over an open-pit fire in the guestroom, the weight of your words are ignored. Mockery has become the boy’s watchword, and he’s just daring you to put him in timeout. And this you shall do, but with an effective twist: Send [...]

Rule #64: Send Your Kid to Mafia Training Camp

Father Knows Worst — Sat, 27 Feb 2010 15:55:54 +0000

Given your child’s twitchy disposition and desire to build Lego kingdoms 24/7, it’s a pretty clear he’s going to get punched more often than cheap drywall in the men’s bathroom at a redneck bar on Saturday nights. The kid needs protection. The kid needs to learn ruthlessness. The kid, well shit, the kid needs a pair of balls. That’s [...]

Rule #63: Lie to Your Child About How Important You Are

Father Knows Worst — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 17:02:36 +0000

There was a time when people used to look at you with a mix of envy, awe and desire to make out in the bathroom at Big Willie’s Bar & Notary. But you were younger and infinitely more ambitious then. Your life was a canvas framed in the gilded trappings of potential. That’s the word people used [...]

Rule #62: Tattoo Your Kids With Reckless Abandon

Father Knows Worst — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 15:46:47 +0000

Children pretty much all look the same. Oh, sure, some possess characteristics that keep demographers employed and allow companies like Benetton to perpetuate the myth of rainbow love, but when it really comes right down to it, after you’d pounded a few cans of Schlitz, you’re often confused about which child is yours when all those [...]

Rule #61: Discourage Most Forms of Reading

Father Knows Worst — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 03:44:28 +0000

Remember that time in junior high when you were so enthralled by Moby Dick that you read deep into the night and barely slept an hour? And the other times—too numerous to count—that you slept through your high-school morning alarm because you fell madly, passionately in love with the melodious phrasing of Joyce and the intellectual [...]

Rule #60: Pack Smokes in Your Child’s Lunch

Father Knows Worst — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 14:27:46 +0000

Remember those carefree days of your youth when long, semi-passionate drags on a Camel unfiltered cigarette during recess meant returning to the classroom with a slight buzz? Those were such wonderfully innocent times—and so different from the overly watchful and “health-oriented” school systems most of our children are trapped in. But smoking—particularly childhood puffing—is as American as [...]

Rule #59: Vacation in a Third World Country

Father Knows Worst — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 14:52:43 +0000

Your kid, like most American children, is spoiled shitless. He’s got an iPod, a television in his room – which he shares with no one – and you even let him have his own seat at your dining room table. Clearly, the rod has been spared and the child has been royally spoiled. And his entitled perspective [...]

Rule #58: Admit Your Baby Isn’t Cute

Father Knows Worst — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 12:26:50 +0000

Your baby is an impish, miniature troll, who’s mere appearance can devastate aspiring Miss America contestants into never doing a pageant again. You’ve been etching scars on friends and family members’ corneas with your wallet photos of “Ugly Jimmy” and in an honest moment, you realize you may have been responsible for several minor car accidents [...]

Rule #57: Pick Up Chicks With Your Kid

Father Knows Worst — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 19:57:42 +0000

You are a walking, talking, blubbering Petri dish of insecurities. It’s obvious to everyone, even the blind dude with the dog that licks your loafers on the subway, but somehow you don’t see it—in much the same way you don’t see your unholy tangle of ear hair. But you have a cute kid. It’s weird. Millions of insecure [...]

Rule #56: Join Forces With the Monster Under the Bed

Father Knows Worst — Thu, 28 May 2009 14:56:07 +0000

Every parent needs an ally, and there’s no better source of unknown evil to a toddler or small child than the monster under the bed. Use this sinister source to your advantage when trying to sway your child to follow any of your home’s random rules that, truth be told, most children with the brain function [...]