Really Funny Jokes

Cat Whisperer Tutorial For Beginners - 2014

noreply@blogger.com (macbaren) — Wed, 19 Nov 2014 22:09:00 +0000

Lost Puppy

noreply@blogger.com (macbaren) — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 05:44:00 +0000

Squirrel drinking coca cola

noreply@blogger.com (macbaren) — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 09:54:00 +0000

Kitty surrenders

noreply@blogger.com (macbaren) — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 09:44:00 +0000

Blonde Logic

noreply@blogger.com (macbaren) — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 09:41:00 +0000

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!

What a year!!

Test Tickles

noreply@blogger.com (macbaren) — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 09:39:00 +0000

Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her.

After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arived there the blonde was sewing to marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.

The manager said, "I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two testicles!"

Top Ten Reasons To Celebrate Resurrection Sunday (Easter)

noreply@blogger.com (macbaren) — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 09:09:00 +0000

10. You absolutely love the movie, "The Ten Commandments".
9. You look really, really good in yellow.
8. You just went on a low cholesterol diet and didn't want to waste all those eggs in the fridge.
7. You figure any Holiday that starts with a "Good Friday" can't be all bad.
6. You love to bite the heads off chocolate bunnies.
5. It's a good time to check out your neighborhood church and not be noticed.
4. You have this bunny suit you love to wear, but are too insecure to wear it without a reason.
3. Even though you don't know what it is, you really like the sound of going to a "Passion Play."
2. You figured since Jesus went to all THAT trouble to make it to the first Easter, you'd give it a shot.
1. As a Christian you celebrate the resurrection every other day, why not Easter too?

Holiday Shopping

noreply@blogger.com (macbaren) — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 09:01:00 +0000

A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl. "Nothing but the best for my little kitten on Christmas." The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat." The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies - one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food. Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog. She was then given the dog cookies. The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like crap." The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, "Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?"

Sports Commentator Slip Ups

noreply@blogger.com (macbaren) — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 08:58:00 +0000

"Sure, there have been deaths in boxing, but none of them serious." (Alan Minter)

"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Darryl Gibson comes inside of him."(New Zealand rugby commentator Murray Mexted)

"This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother." (Ted Walsh horse racing commentator)

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." (Winston Bennett)

"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it, which is identical." (Murray Walker - F1 racing commentator)

"I would not say that David Ginola is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better." (Ron Atkinson - soccer coach)

"Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew." (Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race1977)

"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field" (Metro Radio)

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seems to hang in the air for even longer." (David Acfield)

"What will you do when you leave football, Jack. Will you stay in football?" (Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live)

"And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class." (David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics)

"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them.....Oh my God! What have I just said?!!!" (US PGA Commentator)

"For those of you who are watching in black and white, the blue is behind the brown." (Ted Lowe, Snooker commentator)

No Butter

noreply@blogger.com (macbaren) — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 08:57:00 +0000

Toward the end of the golf course, Harry somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods. He found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up trashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden ...POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said,

"I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life . . . . . As a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"

THEN POOF! . . . . she was gone.

After Harry got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend,

"Fred, where are you?"

Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the pussy willows."

Harry yells back......

"DON'T SWING FRED!!! DON'T SWING!!!!!"

Two Golfers

noreply@blogger.com (macbaren) — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 08:55:00 +0000

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course,
became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.

He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew that
hole he was playing.

She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the
6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with
the same request.

She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on
the 13th hole."

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.

The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help.
I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."

"No, I won't", he responded.

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said, "See I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you."

The Old Explorer

noreply@blogger.com (macbaren) — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 08:55:00 +0000

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ROARRRR!"

The Laws of Golf

noreply@blogger.com (macbaren) — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 08:53:00 +0000

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, you should have inner peace knowing that a worse one is yet to come. (This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.)

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. (Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. Expensive clubs have been known to be partly made with this most unusual natural alloy.)

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.(Funny how this law also applies to men who have no sex and advice on picking up women.)

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. It will swallow your balls.

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed. (Your Mother in Law, does not come close.)

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt."

Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

Blind Skydiving

noreply@blogger.com (macbaren) — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 08:49:00 +0000

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

Baseball In Heaven

noreply@blogger.com (macbaren) — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 08:47:00 +0000

Two buddies, Bob and Earl, were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.

Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.

"Bob, Is that you?" Earl asked.

"Of course it's me," Bob replied.

"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl."

"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night."

Together Again

noreply@blogger.com (macbaren) — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 07:47:00 +0000

Agnes married and had 13 children. When her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. So Agnes remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they’re finally together.”

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?” The friend replied, “I think he means her legs.”

Overweight Daddy

noreply@blogger.com (macbaren) — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 07:44:00 +0000

A six-year-old walks into the kitchen where his mom is preparing a meal and says, “Mom, the last few nights I have woken up to this thumping noise coming out of your bedroom and when I looked to see what it is, you’re sitting on top of dad and bouncing up and down. Why are you doing that?”

The startled mother recovers quickly and she says, “Your dad is a little overweight and I’m trying to get him back to normal size. I bounce on him to get all the air out of him.”

The little kid just shakes his head and says, “Mom, you’re wasting your time because, once a week, that nice-looking lady next door comes over & blows daddy right back up!”

Holding The Baby

noreply@blogger.com (macbaren) — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 07:38:00 +0000

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The busdriver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

Observing The Baby

noreply@blogger.com (macbaren) — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 07:30:00 +0000

Observing The Baby One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."

Why I Love Her

noreply@blogger.com (macbaren) — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 07:22:00 +0000

A guy is sitting in a bar with his friends bitching about going home to his wife.

His friends ask him why he doesn't want to go home to such a fine looking woman and he replies...

"Well, the problem is that she has Gonnorrhea"

So what say the friends, flip her over.

"Well, she also has diarrhea" the guy says.

"Yuck, but what about her mouth." The friends chime in.

"Halitosis" the man says.

"Damn, Why would you stay with her?" The friends say.

"Well," the guy replies "She also has worms, and you guys know how I like to fish."

Why Is Sex Like Riding A Bike?

noreply@blogger.com (macbaren) — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 07:17:00 +0000

1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.

2. It's best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.

3. You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.

4. It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.

5. You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.

6. It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.

7. It's best to have a soft place to land.

8. You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.

9. If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it's usually best to slow down and wait for them.

10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.

11. Once you learn, you never forget how.

12. If you fall off get right back on.

13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.

14. Remember to signal before you change direction.

15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.

16. Sometimes it's nice to have a cushy seat.

17. Once you're over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.

18. That's why some of them are called Mountin' Bikes.

Helloooo Ladies

noreply@blogger.com (macbaren) — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 06:59:00 +0000

Yo Mama Jokes 2

noreply@blogger.com (macbaren) — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 06:53:00 +0000

Yo mama's so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway!

Yo mama's so fat when her beeper goes off, people think she is backing up!

Yo mama's so fat people jog around her for exercise!

Yo mama's so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone!

Yo mama's so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors!

Yo mama's so fat she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the new world!

Yo mama's so fat she lays on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy!

Yo mama's so fat she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"

Yo mama's so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"

Yo mama's so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint roller!

Yo mama's so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets!

Yo mama's so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave., she landed on 12th!

Yo mama's so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too!

Yo mama's so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"!

Yo mama's so fat when she steps on a scale, it reads "one at a time, please"!

Yo mama's so fat she fell in love and broke it!

Yo Mama Jokes 1

noreply@blogger.com (macbaren) — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 06:53:00 +0000

Yo mama's so clumsy she got tangled up in a cordless phone!

Yo mama's arms are so short, she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear!

Yo mama's mouth so big, she speaks in surround sound!

Yo mama's teeth are so yellow she spits butter!

Yo mama's so skinny she turned sideways and disappeared!

Yo mama's so short she does backflips under the bed!

Yo mama's so short you can see her feet on her drivers licence!

Yo mama's so poor she can't afford to pay attention!

Yo mama's so bald that she took a shower and got brain-washed!

Yo mama's so greasy companies buy their Oil from her!

Yo mama's so flat she's jealous of the wall!

Yo mama's so poor she goes to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other people's fingers!

Yo mama's so poor she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning!

Yo mama's so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs!

Yo mama's so bald you can see whats on her mind!

Trouble at the Nudist Colony

noreply@blogger.com (macbaren) — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 06:51:00 +0000

John is in Amsterdam and visits a nudist colony there.

While wandering around naked he sopts a gorgeous blonde and he immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over and says "Sir, did you call for me?"

John replies: "No!"

She says "Well, it's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it means you called for me."

She then layes him down and starts making love to him.

Later that day John visits the sauna, but as he sits down he farts. A huge big hairy guy get up, drops his towel to show a huge erection and says "Sir, did you call for me?"

John replies, "No!"

The man says, "It's a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The man then knocks John to the floor and has his way with him.

As soon as he's finished John rushes back to his room, grabs all his things and heads for the exit. On his way out he's stopped by the manager he askes "Can I help you ?"

John says "Here's my room keys I'm leaving early"

The manager asks why and John replies "I'm 60 years old, I get an erection once a week but I fart 20 times a day !!"