Really now.... how is this???

Getting It Done

2018-08-30T14:59:00.000-07:00

It is the beginning. A week ago I recommitted to 8 weeks of serious training. A schedule that will have me "tri ready" in the short 60 some days until I do this again. I have been able to do it. for 5 days... I truly hope this can happen. I do not do well with rules and schedules. But I have to BELIEVE in the process. I want the better result. The result that makes me better.

It has been a couple of rough weeks.... things are changing. I am doing OK, or I feel like I am doing OK.

The work in PICU has been good. I head back this weekend. I have been getting enough work. I would love to kill it and pick up a ton of overtime... but I know myself and I know working too much is not good for me.
Especially when I am trying to kill it in the Gym.
Like right now... 5 AM, too early to work out ( not really, the gym is open 24 hours) but I really want to do at least 1/2 of my bike ride on pavement.... get the real feel of the bike.

But I could be doing other things... Core, Legs, sigh,,,

I am under 1000 days to retirement. But this is the time to make the move. I will get my resume in order and get things together for an Early June blast. Not sure if that is a good strategy. The advantage is that many people are looking for new people .. the new grads... they hold positions for this time of year. So, do I hunt for one of those positions, dazzle with 28 years of experience and the desire to relocate. or do I wait for the fall out. wait until the August failures.

Thinking things through.... its what I do best and what I do worst. This is when the crazy Libra comes out in me.

these are the reasons to do this choice, these are the reasons not to do that and make the other choice... but what if I do the wrong thing, or the right combination but it turns out wrong. Brain challenge, Life challenge, moving beyond the physical thing I am currently doing.

and then the fear of Virgo... that staying the course is the right and safe thing.
Staying for the fall Yoga Instructors class. taking NPS. moving beyond the moment.

But there is so much to move toward.. Fred's Party. Cati's graduation... Life.... crazy wild life...

for now, time to take a moment.... work the core and ride the bike.... sigh....

Missing him

2015-03-26T01:07:00.000-07:00

these three days come every year.

When does it stop hurting? When do you stop missing that person?

Part of me hopes never. I never want to forget. I never want to not feel this way.

I started yesterday in a melancholy mood. Tried to go on with tasks as if it were a normal day. But by noon I was exhausted. I could barely keep my head up. Then it hit me, after the tears at the grave site, after that overwhelming feeling of being loved and having lost that love. I couldn't move. So I didn't.

Finally, the clock ticked away and March 25 was gone.

It may not be right, but in that hour after the day was over. I toasted him. Opened a bottle of champagne and raised my glass to the man who loved me like no one else has. Or likely ever will.

Today, he is an angel. There are still days I am angry and only remember the pain and the not so great times. Not today. Today it is the way he made me feel when he looked at me. The way he made me laugh, at the same silly lines I heard 100 times. What I wouldn't give to hear them again.

Today, it would be hard to be better than him.

My Canadian friend reminds me that I have had that GREAT love. I believe I will have it again. I am capable of love, capable of being loved.

I miss him, will never stop.

Tri-cities used to tell people that I was still married. I am. and I miss him.

if you read this.... hug your spouse a little tighter, look in his eyes and tell him that you love him to the moon and back. Forgive that he left the light on, or spent that last 50 dollars.... when you get home tomorrow.... they may be gone forever.

I have the great peace of knowing the last words I said to him was "I love you". I stopped to kiss him one more time before walking out the door. Spent the last day with him instead of sleeping like I normally would have. I whispered the words of a song in his ear as he was driving.

Today, I miss him.... but I celebrate his life and our love....

here's to you Ted, I love you.

Away, Alone, what do I want.

2015-03-09T00:18:00.004-07:00

Its Monday now... the moment just changed.

I spent the weekend away. Alone. One in a room of many. Unnoticed, but noticed. Felt good that Dr Link picked me out of the crowd. I don't even know what for. But to be noticed. to be mentioned ... in a room of people who do not know me.

I am not used to be the out cast. But I wasn't. old friends, bug warm hugs... real hugs... hugs that didn't feel awkward or weird, but were sincere... I needed that.

No one knows the pain I am in. reading this weird bloggy thing... don't bury your feelings, acknowledge them. And then accept them... know them,

I am not sure where that needed to be. I need to find my world. My world at the hospital. the world that held me up. I think that is why it feels like such a loss.

I know that I have not reached out. I really am wanting to protect them, and me from them... from the looks, the words... the feeling.
I will never hurt those who have taken such good care of me. I will not hang my head in shame. I will walk in confidence that I am a good person. that I really may have issues, but I am good. inherently I am a good person.

I will make some slow deliberate decisions on my own. St Louis childrens has positions. Denver? who knows.... I may just leave. maybe that is the thing to do. maybe to protect myself from myself.

I still wrote the dream down.... an educator in the clinic. Do I have to get my RN... maybe I will look into that. I could do that. I could finish my life.

I am afraid. Afraid of not letting anyone in .... I am scared. Scared and alone... sigh.... I knew this was going to be my life, but I thought I would slide back into the mainstream... find someone ... special...

I need to be me .... be happy... find life again....

I am good... I will always be good.

I will live !

How did I get here

2015-03-03T08:36:00.002-08:00

Wow, this has been one of the hardest weeks of my life. What I do not understand is how did I get here?

For 28 years, I have lived OHSU. Loved OHSU. never imagined myself anywhere but there.

I feel like I know myself well. My strong suits as well as my short comings. One fact about me that teeters that line of acceptability is my intolerance for bull shit, and bull shit people.

I have a work ethic, unlike many I know. yes, I have called in sick to "go away". getting time off can be a major headache. Especially short term. But I show up, work hard, and give my all. But when BS enters my life, it is hard for me to accept.
When others do not know what they are doing, can't do the job they are hired to do, or just are lazy, it irritates me and I have little tolerance.
My actions from that irritation is questionable at times. I react. apparently loudly. and others "fear" me.

now, I sit at home letting people decide my fate based on a single day. well ok... three... but in 28 years,...4,368 shifts give or take a vacation or overtime shift, it all comes down to this.

My frustrations come when others do not do their jobs. When they leave their jobs to me, or others.

Life has changed, I have adapted mostly well. but I have to learn again... to go with the flow. I hope that I have the 440 shifts left until retirement. If not... I am truly gone. My job has been the only thing that has kept me in Oregon this long... maybe it is just time...

thank you cyber space for letting me put my feelings down... my fears, my tears....

I am strong, I will survive this. I have survived worse... but never.... the core of how I define myself.

I am hurt, I am defeated....
sigh....

Found...my piece of coal

2015-02-13T20:45:00.000-08:00

In the past few years "things" have become less and less important to me. A result of many things. Certainly loss of real love. Mom, the very definition of unconditional love, in 2007, Ted ... my love through it all, in 2009 and many other friends and family lost. Also, moving makes you determine the value of many things.... what piece do you want to hold on to... what point of time do you want to display in your home, to share with those that enter your space. What story do you want to tell, what story do you want to remember.... what point of time do you value with that 'thing.'.
that is not saying that I do not have things... I do... too many... some were grandma's, some mom's... a few Ted's or memories of them or the moments with them.

jewelry... is often a valued thing.... wedding rings, necklaces, cufflinks...

and earrings....

One Christmas, when things had been hard... why they were hard isn't important... for some unknown reason, I really really really wanted this beautiful pair of diamond solitaire earrings. I don't know how he did it, but he borrowed, begged, hid enough to buy me those earrings... 1/2 carat each... a beautiful light champagne colored. attached to the ears of a stuffed Dalmatian. I was stunned... they became my prized possession. I am a woman of the 80's. Diamonds are a girls best friend, Diamonds are forever, Big Girls need Big Diamonds.... all slogans of the times.

I have lost jewelry... a lot of it... given a bit of it away...I have mourned the loss of those pieces of jewelry... yes cried and moped... replaced some, but most is just lost...

Then Wednesday night happened...

18 patients... 4 therapists... probably 13 nurses, 3 or 4 docs... I took the two admits... no worries, I got this, everyone helped...
and then.. I brushed my hair behind my ear, putting on probably the 50th mask I put on that night... or was I taking it off... my left earlobe ... naked... gone.... What the.... what???? I must have checked my ear 10 no.. 15 times..... no, it can't be....
then the tears came...unstoppable, silent, pouring down my cheeks... I checked again... no...gone...
wipe the face, walk it off... do what you do best...

dive into work, forget the loss, deny the loss... just take care of the patients.... keep going, keep the distraction alive...

Later, home.... the tears come again... I take off the right earring... place it gingerly on the edge of the sink... well that is stupid...

move it to a much safer place. ( snicker inserted here)...

crawl exhausted into bed.... tears come again.... this time only my pillow knows the secret... the real pain swells up again.... toss , turn.. tuck a pillow here....

what is this crumb.... damn I have been so good about not.....
whoa.... ( No ...it is not the earring)....
the back of the earring....

carefully place the back on the bedside table.

and drift off to sleep, a smile of hope.

Thursday, my evening full of stuff.... my eyes scanning the carpet, dragging my feet and at one point my fingers through the shag of the carpet.
every time I enter a room, my eyes scan the corners for a glimmer of the sparkle of a diamond...but never really SEARCH..., no bright flashlight, no careful plotting.... no throwing back the sheets and searching....

my life moves on...I even put in a different pair of earrings... hoping someone will notice, ask why I am not wearing my diamonds... no one says anything...

Friday morning, I rearrange my day... not for a real reason, but it just doesn't feel right rushing through the morning. Mundane tasks, loading the dishwasher, folding laundry....
and there.... where I have looked 100 times... I see the sparkle... brighter than the brightest twinkle... as if he put it there. as if to say " I would never leave you."..... it sits not really deep, but not really on the surface.... I know it is the diamond before I even bend to pick it up... and the tears start....

Maybe I value them too much.... this is not the first time I thought I lost it, but it is the first time that I truly believed all hope was lost....

It is just a pair of earrings... but they feel like all I have left... left of 27 years of marriage...of a lifetime...

one of a pair, isn't still a pair... it is alone... maybe that is what hurt... the comparison of two things that are awesome alone... I mean it is still a beautiful 1/2 carat champagne diamond... gorgeous and strong and sparkling.... something to be cherished and admired, but it is only half a pair...
together... together they are amazing... a force that all the world can see. Glittering.... fantastic... together again, ...forever.
A dream.....
but for now, a small symbol.... a thing.... a pair.... have been reunited... tomorrow I will put them back on.... for tonight...

the tears flow.... unstoppable...

Great Ride

2015-01-30T21:42:00.000-08:00

Its January 30, and the sun was shining. It was 51 degrees and a great ride was to be had !
Shari, McKenzie and I took to the Springwater Trail and did a quick 9 miles. well sort of quick. The seat slipped again, I need to figure that out. and the uphills were killer... I was sweating through my four upper layers and two bottom layers. The wind challenged us on the out and the sun on the in. But it felt so good.
I truly hope that the rain arrives soon, not so that the outdoor training has to stop, but so that by June 7 the rain has been satisfied. As always the rain is my scariest demon. well that and hills....

I know I need to train harder, better..with more desire. I need to find that motivation. I cannot describe yesterday any other way than a sad day.
Sad for many reasons.

Wednesday night was awful... Something I had never experienced before... a vent failed to deliver the desired oxygen, and if it were not for a quirky earlier in the day trial, I am not convinced that I would have found the problem. It truly bothered me that we escalated care, considered other therapy techniques.... and all because a machine that I am responsible for failed, and I didn't discover it for over an hour.

and then, I had recently returned from my Happy Place.... Aspen Colorado.... and I don't know when I will return. I am committed to training for the two tri's this year.... that means serious... no more travel until July.... sigh..... I hate making this kind of choice.... but I have already made the choice. Now it is a matter of staying committed. Traveling puts a kink in my training, and I do not need any kinks.

so..until July, I am staying put.... sort of... lol... I will get a trip to Skamania .... courtesy of OHSU in March.... and then a trip to Wenatchee in May. I am considering making that a training trip as well as a trip to see the Son In Law in his role on stage.

I need to focus.... but I want so much out of life....

It feels smothering.... I took a new position at work... back to Float... adults and peds... no more Neonates. I truly have mixed feelings. I will miss the friends in the DNCC.

I need to succeed....

what about the big move? still an option... but life will take its turns. for now.... I move at the speed of a turtle in a vat of peanut butter...

more tomorrow.... my thoughts are coming too fast... I need to meditate....

Ohmmmmmm

Normal progression

2015-01-15T21:56:00.000-08:00

Well, this is how this usually pan out for me. I have great expectations. Super plans... good intentions. and then find the same repetitive thoughts in my head, and decide not to write.

so what are those thoughts?

I am back in the PICU. The rotation has brought me back... and I LOVE IT !!! I could not be happier. I feel like I really am valued and that I am heard. I get to do what I was trained to do. It makes me certain of the change requested is the exact right thing to do.

I haven't given up on YOGA.. proud of myself. No less than 2 days a week... often three. It feels so good.

and I haven't given up on training. I donot like the core work, but the swimming , walking even the biking feels so good. and I look better. My body is changing... finally in a good way. Loosing the belly makes me feel like this is really worth it. I never started this for my body... I did it to keep my body moving. To stay alive. This is not a training for an event it is training for life. I am really proud of myself.

My brain is on overdrive.... I think I need this yoga that I talked myself into.
next week is Colorado !! So excited. Jen and I with her mini me... skating, X games, ULLR. and Glenwood Springs for swimming and tubbing.

work changes, always.... training.... eating....

Living

... I am in such a good place right now.
I BELIEVE....

Week One....

2015-01-10T07:48:00.002-08:00

So my original goal was to help share my journey this year in completing two sprint tri's on my way to an Olympic on or near my 60th in 2016.
The charge was to blog every four days or so.... here it is 11 JAN and my first entry.

I was so on track... feeling good getting my core stuff done every day, adding cardio, yoga and the training plan James and I had worked out... and then reality struck.

In addition to my things to do, a work out plan and life... ( meaning 12 hour night shifts ) I tried to continue... not so bad... Sunday, core, cardio done... off to work.
Monday... core done, 30 minutes cardio.... omg.. so slow in the pool I thought what the heck....but went off to yoga and sucked. IT hurt, I was tired... I wanted to cry....
Tuesday.... overtime for wet lab and BLS, so tired, can even do core.... then I don't sleep...grrrr
Wednesday.... a gorgeous morning... a pretty quick 5 K walk on the path, and then the offer to work overtime... to bed, and I sleep hard.... wake up late, disoriented... am I supposed to work or was this all a dream.... off to work I go.
Thursday.... its all I can do to get home.... sleep.... primary core before work, but not much...
Friday... I am exhausted... have a walking date with Ivy and my leg/back/SIJD is killing me. I cried in bed it hurt so bad. Did not sleep, worked it with the massage stuff I was given... it will not loosen up.
get up to meet Ivy, put my running shoes on and wow... all the pain is gone. No way... is it my shoes? Dansko's do make you stand different. I am going to try wearing my non running New balance next week... see if it helps...
but the walk and dinner with Ivy was fabulous... I love that woman... we grew up together and the bond is so tight... just like we are girls again. It was 40 years ago... unbelievable... really crazy...
So blessed to have her back in my life. So blessed that she didn't give up and that we are on the same page again... looking for our next Dream.

So... I feel good, better now that the pain is gone. I really was concerned that I was not going to be able to do this. I am doing a food log, and exercise log... and being totally honest in both. No one to report to by myself.

I need to find a way to work and play and have FUN... and still get my time on the road in. Bike is still the most worrisome.....

But life is great... I feel a bit accomplished and moving through 2015 ...so far so good... even if with more than a few rest moments.... it will all work....

PS I am back in the PICU and loving it !! I took a float position to get out of the nursery.... best move of my career. I hope it works out for me !

Happy New Year

2014-12-31T21:50:00.000-08:00

Welcome, and Good - Bye... 2014 was a year of total transformation for me. I don't need to rehash it. A year ago I spent NYE eating Pizza and drinking Champaign with an almost total stranger. It was the best offer I had. Tonight I am sitting alone, blogging, drinking Presecco by myself and with the person I have learned to love the most. Myself. It has not always been that way. I remember when I first moved to Arizona, telling a friend that I loved living in the woods outside Flagstaff because it gave me the luxury of being alone without being lonely. Hard to imagine that was in 1978... and here I am tonight oddly feeling the same way. Blessed to have family and friends that are much like family. truly blessed to have spent so much time and so many "moments" with so many of those people. Blessed to have refound one of my life's 'besties'. 2014 was truly awesome. I have made myself a priority. Selfishly ... and someday I know that a person will change all that. but for now... it works. Do I wish that day were tonight... yes... but without regrets I turn the calendar to 2015. Not one to make resolutions ... this year has much in store for me... that are forcing me into some resolutions. A stronger commitment to doing this Triathlon thing. plans to continue developing my relationships.... continue my time with family... and maybe find "him". But while I wait patiently... I have to decide if I can give the time to developing that .... for now... I am truly happy. I plan to continue that happiness. No plans for a great adventure... no plans for a huge life change... plans to just make it a good year. Full of what life is about... taking today and living it! Thank you world, for handing me roses... without too many thorns.

What Did I learn in 2014

2014-12-30T03:21:00.001-08:00

what did I learn in 2014. I learned that if you BELIEVE you can. just about a year ago, I stumbled in to endorphin warrior. I knew nothing of your personal story or what drove you to create the products you do. But I was enthralled. see, at the end of 2013 a number of stars aligned in my life and at 57 I was handed a new chapter of this life. I am sure that I will at some point share some of the journey to that point, but for now that is not important. When browsing through your website, I found the leather bracelets. One, BELIEVE, sung out to me. It has one meaning but many avenues that it applies to. My current one ( a year ago) was to BELIEVE that I could actually complete a sprint Triathlon in just 5 months. I bought my bracelet and one for each of my co-conspirators in this journey. CONQUER for one, and WARRIOR for the young man that put this crazy idea in my head. they appreciated theirs, but mine...mine became my mantra. I wore the bracelet daily. I felt its weight gently on my wrist when I honestly didn't think I could do it. It helped me BELIEVE I could do this. Yes, I am THAT person, the one who needs physical reminders. The one with three or four Pinterest pages dedicated to motivational saying... and I reread them weekly. I am the annoying person on Facebook that posts most of my "good" workouts, encourages others, and everyone I know knew this journey I was on. my 50" likes " the day I completed was better than any finishers medal. I am a different person 365 days later. I just got a notice from one on my tracking sites, 400 work outs completed in a year. unsure how many miles, I am lighter, fitter, and a truly different person. I am now that person who needs to work out. The one who encouraged 15 others to complete the Thanksgiving plank challenge with me, who is almost done with 40 days of streaking challenge my friend created. what did I learn in 2014, I learned that if you BELIEVE then anything is possible... ok maybe not anything, but MANY things are possible. I lost my bracelet in the bottom of the Hudson River last fall. It was so hard to let go. Much was surrounding me that weekend, and I felt lost. I needed something to BELIEVE in, and now I was, in my mind, naked of my strength in the middle of a small but serious family situation. I told myself the story, that when the bracelet breaks or is torn, it is because you have reached your goal. I didn't believe that. I returned home, and ordered a new Bracelet... POSITIVE. it sounded like a good affirmation. I have worn it a few times. then I ordered my ring. (s). BELIEVE and STRENGTH. I rarely take them off. BELIEVING... that is what I learned it 2014.... and will continue to learn in 2015. I am POSITIVE I can learn more. I am POSITIVE that I can gain STRENGTH. but I am absolutely certain, that I have to BELEIVE these things before they can happen. Thank you again Eric for your story, your journey. Thank you for your company. and above all else thank you for helping me BELEIVE. M ps... I also hope that your commitment to journaling publicly will help me do the same. I have a blog that I have not posted on for a year. I needed the support and visible reminder of friends that I used facebook to "journal' last years journey. While I will continue that I am sure, I am also recommitted to my own blog. Visit it from time to time if you are interested. I will try not to take up space on your page. But I will read it faithfully and support you completely

New Beginnings

2014-12-30T02:36:00.000-08:00

Well, it has been a while since I posted, but I feel the need to journal again. While this is an extremely public way to journal so much is happening in my life I can hardly keep up. That being said, this is entirely only for my own enjoyment. The few of you who still watch this space, I hope you get some insight into me. The selling of the house was monumental ! While I struggled with the process and often doubted my decision, what a great decision it was. being free of the mortgage that seemed to be growing exponentially along with the weight of all the "things to do" has freed me for the next phase. I have never once gone through buyers remorse. While the sale did not solve my other self induced debt issues, it has freed me to tackle it. I am still working too many hours, but it is winter and there is little else to do. I plan to start scaling back soon. But I have so many plans for this year. trips to Florida, Colorado, New York and maybe abroad... so excited. and of course there is my training. I am dedicated to starting and finishing the Pine Hollow Triathalon. I am no athlete... that is no surprise to anyone... but I have sort of become one. Crabby when I cannot train, and adjusting my life around swimming, walking, and soon biking. this is just the beginning .. My new beginning. and I could not be happier!

What would you do?

2011-03-09T16:14:00.000-08:00

I know this is the name of a popular TV show, though I have never seen it. I believe the concept is that there are set ups of various acts that might require the "average person" to take action. The question is ...what would you do? walk away and ignore the act... stealing, violence, or intervene,...and when.... and to what level.
Well this is sort of that game, but with a less slanted toward others attitude, although others are affected.
It has to do with work ethics.
My niece Dana, will likely have something wise to say about all of this, as it is her area of expertise..... i love you Dr. Dana.

A number of situations have come up at work recently. And there has been mixed reactions to the behavior of the individual involved, their immediate supervisor, ( in this case the shift 'charge', and the department managment. In the case of the department management, I must axplain that the actions are only those that we overtly have seen, Other actions may or may not have been taken behind the scenes, not for our prying eyes.

There are three situations, and being the Libra I am, I have over analyzed these and seen them from every angle. Are they the same or different? Do all 'situations' call for the same action or reaction?

First..... A day of potential inclement weather. I say potential, because this is afterall Portland. That meaans those driving in from Sandy, 35 miles to the East could be experiencing snow, while those from the same distnace to the west could have dry roads. In between,, anything is possible. Remembering we work on a hill of over 1000 ft elevation. The hospital has an inclement weather policy. Today has NOT been declared a day of inclement weather.
A therapist calls and states, that due to road conditions in their area, they have been in a single car accident. They appear to be fine, but their vehicle is no longer driveable. It is less than two hours before the shift is to begin.
The charge, explains the policy, and states that when management arrives, someone will get back to him.
In the meantime, another therapist is called in to cover that shift.
Remarkably, on their way to work, they are involved in a MINOR, multicar accident, on an icy bridge. With less than an hour to the shift, they call in, explain thaeir situation and simply state, I am returning home, I will not be in. their car appears to be drivable.
The good news: NEITHER THERAPIST IS INJURED!
so... you are the therapist, involved in a minor accident on the way to work....
WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
You are responsible for safely staffing the next shift, and two people have now told you they cannot make it to work.... WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
you are their managers.... it is not an inclement weather day, one therapsit was a regualr scheduled shift,one was extra, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
Would you 'counsel' one or both?
Would you expect either to come to work?
What if either had a 'hidden' injury... that crept up later in the day.... who is liable?
What if they are so distressed about the personal loss or situation they make a judgement error in caring for a patient?
What if they are preoccupied calling tow companies, spouses etc dealing with the situation that others on that day have to 'pick up the slack'..was it worth the extra effort?

Situation 2...

A therapist calls in within an hour of their shift that their adult child is about to give birth. This is that childs fourth child. There is a spouse, etc available for the child as support, the therapist is not the birthing coach, etc....

you later learn that the 'grandchild' was not born for 48 plus hours.

You are the therapist....
everyone knows your daughter is about to give birth, your work peers can just suck it up!
Do you have an obligation to your patients? Is this justifiable 'family medical leave'?

You are management... same questions....
do you counsel? can you? You learned all of the above information via facebook.... the therapist just simply 'called in sick'...late.

you are her peer...
It is understandable, I would do the same thing if it were my daughter,
I would definitely want my mom to do that for me. We all have done something similar. Sometimes, it just happens.
Or... it is just.... 'her'... that is expected behavior.

Last situation....

a therapist gets a phone call from a minor child during their shift. ( In this case, the middle of the night ). legally the child is old enough to be left alone.
Something has happened. The child is clearly frightened, but it has been determined not in eminent danger.
what do you do....

you are the therapist....

Leave, NOW.... my children matter more than anything. I do not care what the hospital does about my work load, my patients, my peers, Someone will figure it out I am out of here!
Ask to leave, give the charge person to safely dispense my work, give report .......

Stay, I have an obligation to work my shift. If things work out that I can be released that would be awesome, I would explain that I am concerned about the situation at home and the desire to leave, but I know their is no real danger.

Call someone to check the situation.... evne if it means calling the police, and then work on getting home. I need to know that my child is truly safe.

you are the charge....
tell them just to go, their head will not be in their job anyway, and thier patients are just as at risk having someone who is more worried about a situation at home as someone who is not even their.
Besides, you just cannot have them bitching all night.
Assess the staffing situation, reassign things equitably, check and see who can safely take over the work, make sure report is given, beepers reassigned, etc....
Tell them they have to stay, The work is just to much for the staff to absorb. You will do what you can to get them out ASAP. but fo now the situation is just not possible. ( this is of course after you have been assured that their is no eminent danger or real harm to the child at home)

You are the manager....

you hear that the therapist left without giving or writing out report.
is this patient abandonment.... their are others who can care for the patient. the RT is not solely nor primarily responsible for any given patient.

do you counsel the therapist? Do you counsel the charge?

Do you thank those who were left at work to pick up the extra work, either with an email or an act of kindness?

We have all been in these or similar situations....
called in sick when we were not really sick.... simply made a mistake on a flight schedule....
or really wanted to go to a concert....

Went home mid shift becasue we got ill, or our spouse was in an accident, or our child simply "needed us" and no one else would do.

Were less than 100% at work because of a distraction too big to

Marching forward

2011-03-07T22:25:00.001-08:00

Doctors report,

According to my spinal Neurosurgeon, that just does not sound right, the report: T11-12 central canal stenosis
L4-5 moderate central canal stenosis and moderate bilateral foraminal stenosis.
Mild bilateral L5-S1 foraminal stenosis.
Great news.... not!

Actually It is good news, all that means that the Physical therapy and conservative approach I am taking, Aleve, with occasional other pain relief is working. As long as it continues to work, no need to follow closely with the back clinic, no need for surgery unless symptoms persist or get worse.
I can live with this pain, this discomfort. and I can move on with my life.

YEAH !!!

I met with a contractor. The advice was as expected, again, thorough, a bit more expansive than I had hoped for, but..... now the wait begins.
I need to get at least two other bids.

This week begins Lent. Interesting. I have not thought about Lent for years.
Sacrificing something.... I have not sacrificed anything in the last two years. Doing what I wanted, when I wanted, It has felt good. Decadent.... wonderful.
But in many ways, empty. What have I been looking for? To say I have been looking for something to fill the space that Ted left empty is true. To say I wanted to fill it with things instead of people is true. More true in 2011 than in 2010, even though I have purchased almost nothing in 2011.
but I have found myself pushing people away in 2011. Hiding actually. Not answering the phone, text messages, emails. Letting people slip away, encouraging them to leave....

Back to sacrificing, as a child, I never did well. I would give up chocolate, and within a week. was sneaking Hershey bars! ( ummmm have you looked at my ass? self deprivation is not one of my strong suits).
Why can I be so determined to win at some things, yet denying myself something is so impossible.
So here are my choices:
give up:
coffee....
alcohol.... all or specific versions.....
fast food...
chocolate.....

I think coffee and fast food are the front runners.
I have done both in the past... i have confidence.....
maybe I should try both.

As I told Angi, the second part of the Lenten promise is to give,... financially, to tithe. I am not a believer in that. But can I give 10% more of me. Interesting.... give 10% more of me. Get 10% more done. Take on 10% more, give 10% more for a break, I think that is what my plan is. Just really try to be a better me. Really try. to really give. Honestly, offer and really help, really, give my heartfelt offer.

Lastly, to find that time for Jesus. Every week for 6 weeks. To find a sacred place. A place where I can take the Lord into me. To honor him. To thank him for the riches I have, to ask for his help with the two promises above. To guide me through this season of waiting.

Is this new? maybe renewed! Maybe more honest relationship. Understanding that I cannot be in this world alone, that I am not alone. That HE is standing beside me helping me make my way in the world every day. That I am stronger everyday because i love Him and believe in Him.

The world is good, and waiting for his return will bring goodness. The excitement of his resurrection and the joy of His saving grace will protect us.

REJOICE!

what??

2011-02-28T10:21:00.000-08:00

Why is 2011 the year of getting nothing done?

every post is the same, check the things to do list, do something on it.... Some things are half done, but I have to find the motivation to finish.

The weather is not helping. My current state of total indecision is not helping and the pain and my current state of health is not helping.

Today, my Physical Therapist treated me to a short work out with a wonderful deep back massage and astym with heat!

I feel better. Sleepy but better.

So, I am off today, and ready to rock and roll on the things to do list.

It is the last day of February, YEAH.... The beginning of the end of winter!

Life has a way

2011-02-18T07:22:00.000-08:00

Of turning into a three ring circus.

I thought I had a calm week planned. Then I glanced at the things I am behind on list. OMG !!!

So Here I sit Friday morning, my Starbucks in hand and I am ready to face the last two days of the weekend.

I have to start with PT. This week marks the one week point, I feel better, but definitely am walking funny. I feel the strength building more in one leg than the other. Always seems to be the case with me. Yesterday after two days of 12 hours on the Pediatric ward I was wiped out and could barely do my hip lifts. So yesterday was my day of rest.

Today is my day of work. The house, the pond, tomorrow, I want to attack another tree. and the taxes. In between, the taxes.

Once again I am awaiting the bids from the painting contractors. I guess email requests do not work for people who have web sites. I will call them this week.

Somehow I have managed to book myself solid for the next two weeks. Five nights in a row this week, with dentist, PT, and personal grooming appointments. Three nights the next again with multiple appointments. the next week 6 nights.... and still more appointments. Well.... it will keep me busy. And the pay check plentiful.

I am booking the May and July trips this weekend. and then waiting.
Waiting waiting waiting.... not something I do well actually.

Work is driving many of us crazy. The flurry of activity the proceeds our managers annual evaluations has begun. It is crazy working in an environment where we are heavily relied on, yet often NOT supported for the same reported expertise. Its one of those "we want you when we want you" sort of things, and "you better be there when we need you.... oh and you better do what we want you to do whether it is the right thing or not", but if you want to actually offer an expert opinion, well, no thank you. You are not needed for an opinion. Our management seems ill prepared to speak intelligently about what the staff is or isn't prepared to do or offer. They seem to think our primary service is to serve the simple needs of others. "deliver equipment to the bedside". Really... untrained transportation aides can do that. I have 9 years of advanced education behind me. I can do more than deliver equipment to the bedside.
I realize, that as a department, we can only offer what the lowest common denominator is capable of. Then raise the lowest common denominator. People do not want to learn because they see how those of us with the knowledge are treated, not just by other staff, but by our own management.
Management has proposed an incentive ladder. only one person is eligible for the highest incentive. I am fortunate, I am that person. But in reality, it could be denied me on a simple true technicality. One of the criteria is a PERFECT EXCEEDS EXPECTATIONS in all sections of the performance evaluation. Now I know I am good. After 20 + years I deserve a bonus of $1500.00 promised in the proposed system, but my masters is over 20 years old. AND, I do not believe that I exceed expectations in all points of the performance evaluation. That means I have no area to improve in. WOW.... If I am that good I do deserve the $1500.00 and more. But there are areas I can improve in. I have chosen NOT to stay current in half of the population that we serve. Adult care. I do not know the steps of performing an SBT on an adult patient. I doubt I could do Illoprost without assistance. I cannot set up iNO without reading the procedure and charge responsibilities, the once a year I perform those duties I always forget something. So the reward system boils down to one persons final evaluation of my performance. If he chooses to give me one MEETS the EXPECTATIONS, or NEEDS IMPROVEMENT then the $1500.00 is gone like the wind. and based on that criteria alone, no one deserves the bonus. It is an unfortunate program and not at all the one designed by those of us who put in the work to develop a program that might actually motivate people to care and improve themselves.
So why care....
Because I am me....
But, I am being beaten down. MD's ignoring best practice models, APA guidelines, performing lab experiments on our littlest of patients. It is definitely time to move on. The grass may not be greener over a different fence, but at least I won't know how it is mowed there.

So life moves forward. at a snails pace it seems some days. and then I look at that infamous list of things I am behind on and I see how it is flying by !

Later....

Valentines Day....

2011-02-14T17:26:00.000-08:00

Better.... HEALTHY HEART DAY !

While I did not truly embark on the healthy heart route I had planned for today, I did have a good day.

I managed to get some things accomplished. Made some headway on the things to do list. and had a good, I really do not feel sorry for myself day.

First off, I feel in a better place today. Knowing that I am making the right decisions for me. My horoscope continues to tell me that "basically you are on course for a new independent lifestyle and independent means you will not consider others advice".

I am not sure about that. I AM truly heeding the physicians advice about weight loss, PT, exercises.

But the personal stuff, true enough. I do not want anyone Else's input. I need to do this my way, by myself. Like it or not.

I had a lovely conversation with a friend across the pond. Oh how I miss him. We are such true friends. Instantly, we knew we would be in the others life forever. We are hoping it will not be another year before we see each other. But the contact was good. We do not connect in real time very often, the 8 hour time difference puts us just off enough from each others schedules. But a late evening in the theater had him awake late, and a comfy day at home had me near a phone. Oh how I miss him.

So, on to the things to do list. :) more to accomplish this rainy miserable February day in Oregon. Sunshine soon I hear.... really???

PLEASE LET IT BE TRUE !!!

Ciao

What a week !

2011-02-14T00:00:00.000-08:00

I really have so much going on that I am not sure where to begin.

So I will start with my usual heart ache.

It is now 1202. officially Valentines Day.

A day, traditionally, ted and I did not pay a whole attention to, but always remembered in some silly way. A card, a small gift, occasionally an extravagant one. Somehow, it always was, just right. We always seemed to know what the other needed in any given year.

This is my second Valentine without him. I am not even sure how we spent our last Valentines together. Who ever thinks that.... this will be our last.

Last year I was in Africa!! With Cardiostart. A Perfect way to spend the HEART day.... I remember, Cheri got to watch a man receive a new valve. The very procedure Ron had. it was memorable.

I remember one of the women's husband tried to send her flowers. His money transfer lost between the US and Ghana... FTD doesn't exist in Kumasi.

This year.....

someone asked me last night, in reference to being in love, have you ever wished every day for something knowing it just wasn't going to happen. WOW.... I wanted to say, YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME !!!! Only every day since March 25 2009 !! I guess its different. Wishing someone could love you like you love them, versus just wishing that fate was different. but is it? Can you change change love? Not that i really believe in this sort of thing, but on Millionaire Matchmaker, the
'star' of the show recently was quoted as saying, if you have been with someone for a year, and you do not see yourself marrying them for a life time, it is time to move on. Now she was particularly speaking of people over 45. (I know I fit that category) and I guess I mostly agree. The rebuttal question I asked, was do you really want to be in yet another long term committed relationship. (knowing that marriage had failed for this person more than once, and after 55, they did not see much purpose in marriage).... their answer a quick, YES, I do not want to be alone. Mine, I am not sure. I think I do. But in reality, I am still deeply in love with my husband, I will only know when it happens that i am ready for it. I guess that means I am not ready.

The Catholic Church today celebrated "married couples day".... it sounded like Valentines day and a commitment and a good way to tie in the sermon on the mount gospel all into one big sermon. Father Chris did an OK job. I am really not thrilled with St Henry's. I continue to go, out of convenience. but, it is really an old fashioned conservative church. I have trouble relating. I take what I need and leave the rest. It is what it is. But I need more. I will begin looking soon. I have not joined the parish, for those very reasons. I never thought of going out to Sandy, but I might try that next week.

beyond that.....

I am fighting my newest set back in my life plan. More on that later. It reared its ugly head, set me on my ass, and now I am ready to push it aside and deal with it.

Happy heart Day....

SUPER SUNDAY

2011-02-06T09:49:00.000-08:00

I can some today up in a few words !!!

GO PACKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!

beer,
brats
packers
what more does a cheesehead need?

A superbowl win !!!

Friday's post.... Missing.

2011-02-06T09:23:00.001-08:00

This past Friday I was honored by my peers.

I was humbled. Practitioner of the Year, Specifically Respiratory therapist of the year.

Every year the BOD, of the Oregon Society for respiratory Care, our states Professional organization that represents the 1400+ licensed RCP's has an "open call" for nominees. I have no idea who nominated me, Jen denies it, tho she did write every word of my tribute.

It is a bit weird receiving this award. They consolidate your professional life into a few moments in time. it seems surreal.

I don't know how I got through the day without tears. Those types of accolade always bring tears to my eyes. I guess it helps that Paula stumbled some through the words. It helped lighten the mood in my mind. I feared that Jen herself was going to read it, That would have brought me to tears.

It is truly to be honored for loving what you do. Loving what you were put on this earth to do. Not to be a nurse, not to be a vet or a doctor. Not to just teach those in the classroom.
I wish I could inspire more.

I have thought all weekend about this award.

Father John sent me a prayer that made me think about my fears and my future.

Life....

I have but a few moments in time left here. Here being the "key word". Here, at OHSU, here in Oregon, here n this earth.

I am changing. I need to change. I have been so blessed. Blessed with the best of friends, the best of family, the best life I could have orchestrated for myself. Yes, there have been bumps and challenges. What life doesn't have those. Those bumps make us better people, most of the time.

My big change, I need to be the therapist I want to be. The one who was honored by the OSRC, the Therapist of the Year!
I need to change my attitude at work. remove the negative flow. Inspire, teach, heal. GROW, LEARN, it is not to late. It is never to late to learn and advance.

I am deeply honored, deeply awoken, deeply moved.

I am determined to be the person you all believe me to be. Watch me grow and fly.

Heading Home

2011-01-30T14:29:00.000-08:00

It has been a fabulous week ( ok, five days) here in Aspen. I could not have asked for a better get away. I laughed, cried, remembered. Smiled, ate, drank, hosted and had a blast !!

Sitting in the Aspen airport, hungover, not ready to leave. I really love this place. I cannot explain the peace I feel in the mountians. I will forever return here. Whether family remains in the Aspen area or not.

the X games were a blast!! I was so lucky to experience them. Those athletes... INSANE!!!
Now back to Portland, projects and things to do await. Hopefully this fabulous break has motivated me. !!

Later!

Friends and Family

2011-01-28T09:32:00.000-08:00

Once again my Family has given me the opportunity to experience life at its best with my friends.
Three of my closest friends have joined me in Aspen for the Winter X games. We are having a blast!!
This may be a sport of youngsters, but what a good time to experience life.

The Aspen-Snowmass-Buttermilk people have this event dialed in. They know how to move people, keep them safe and make sure everyone has a good time. Now I just want to catch a tee shirt out of their tee shirt air gun.

We are off to have lunch today at my Favorite Aspen Area restaurant...complete with a sleigh ride!

Yesterday we got to have fun with Dana, Jerry and Deanna, while we joined them for lunch outdoors at Sneaky Pete's in Snowmass. ( yes Outdoor Dining in January in Colorado) To say the weather is GLORIOUS is an understatement.

This is the very trip I needed to get me through the winter blahs and post Florida blues. Now I have projects to plan and move forward with at home.

Every horoscope I read tells me to continue to look forward, don't get bogged down with projects that can't be completed quickly. The reluctance I feel to get involved in a new project is the sign that I need time to think about it .... how true....

So for today.... I need to wait until I am more emotionally balanced... on top of a Colorado Mountain,. enjoying life !!!

THIS IS THE BEST !!!!

Sunday .....

2011-01-23T12:36:00.000-08:00

Good afternoon world.

As the first quarter comes to an end the Packers still lead the game... Come on Aaron !! While I am a good fan during the season, I love the playoffs!! And this game and they are on to the Superbowl. OOOOOOoooooooooooo I hope they can hang on for the win !

But that is not what brings me here today.

I rousted myself out of bed ... actually for the first time this year I popped out of bed early. My Sunday routine has become going to church. I have really not been feeling well the weeks leading up to today. But the Sunshine yesterday really helped me heal !!

But it was a bit of a mistake.

I have been going to mass partly out of obligation as Angi has asked me to be her sponsor this Easter as she completes her Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults. Today the bishops asked the priests to wear the Purple vestments that are normally reserved for Advent and Lent.
The colour represents preparation, penitence and prayer. Purple can symbolise pain and suffering, and mourning and penitence. So why today?
Apparently yesterday was the 38th anniversary of the Supreme Court decision in Roe V Wade. Pro life vs pro Choice.
This view of the Catholic Church is one of the things that drove me away. Now, I know all the arguments, and I am thankful that I never was faced with any type of those decisions. but, I believe that God gave us all FREE WILL. Everyone of us, women and men. How can a religion run by men tell women what choice they have to make. The Catholic church doesn't see the pain of unwanted children when their daddies and mommies beat them or shake them. They do not see the burden of raising a 23 weeker. health Care, religion, my mind, me decisions. This is the root of the struggle that I have with the religion I was raised with.
Last night I watched Tom Ford's A Single Man. interesting film.... but the opening lines when Colin Firth is first waking, I could have written them. The pain a year
(or in my case two)of loosing your partner. Wondering every day if you can go on. Now the good news, I feel good. I do not think I am dying, but some days I wonder why.... why why why.... I feel so grateful to have had that one great love ! I know I do not deserve another chance at a love like that. But I crave it. Crave it like nothing I have ever known before. But I crave my own life more. right now I cannot have it all. One step at a time. I have made my decision. I have a plan. I rarely really have plans. How many times in my life have I had a plan only to have it changed by love or "fate"... or that mojo I call 'everything happens for a reason'. that is how I ended up in Portland for 30 years.
Well... so you see Sunday in my world.. Football, Religion, and my core beliefs... all in the air as the first half comes to an end.

I wonder what the week will bring !

Sunshine and Smiles

2011-01-22T19:34:00.000-08:00

WOW.... what a day with sunshine will do for me !

I have finally found my motivation. Christmas is done and sorted. I am preparing for what I need to do. As I put my Christmas decorations away, I decided what I can't get rid of. I was amazed at how small that box was. I got everything moved into the shed. For now the plan is garage sale.

I need to get set on the next "room" Definitely the guest room. There is stuff already set aside for donation. I need to move along....

And today the sunshine was back ! My tulips are popping up through the ground. is spring really around the corner?

The convict got his shit out of my life. He arrived with a friend that is acting as his sponsor. I hope he can do it. He has been spiraling out of control since release. I know this because he has blown up my phone a few times. I warned him, when he was sober and could "hear" me that I would be forced to block him, and if he continued, further action. He didn't want to hear that. I do not want to be that person, Today went well. I had no emotion.... he was filled with tears. I do not care. This was so cleansing.... it was a big deal. I feel so much better... another free-ing. Another door closed. Now there is nothing that might keep us communicating.

I am excited for my trip next week. It should be great. But I have learned to not build expectations too high. Just go with he flow... stay warm, enjoy life, smile. I just hope the sun is shining in Colorado !

I am chilling tonight, gonna watch a movie, bed down early, so I can be awake in time to enjoy the game and go to work with only a "quick nap".

I am reading a fantastic book. "Tattoo's on the heart". the work of a priest with LA gang members. While the book is full of stories and exposes how these young people deal with their lives, but it also is full of Christian actually Catholic insights. But not the preach from a pulpit Catholicism that I am used to. But a man who understands what life is really like for people. When he asked his "flock" 45 guys who were doing life in prison, to define sympathy, empathy and compassion. They correctly defined Sympathy and Empathy, but even they defined Compassion as "God". It rings so true with me. You can have many feelings without God, but I am not sure that you cannot understand Compassion until you believe in God. God helps me find compassion, helps me believe in it. Helps me live it.

So, now I am back to my book, or maybe a movie, or maybe just sleep.....

I hope the sunshine stays, unlikely... this is Oregon... sigh....

just saying....

2011-01-17T21:20:00.000-08:00

I hate Portland in January. it has rained on and off for the last 17 days. I hate it. This is the very reason I have wanted to leave this town for the past 29 years....every January I feel this way.
and every July I love it here!!
This weekend has been exceptionally bad. I have cried, whined, (to no one) and hid. I guess more than one person would label this as depression. Maybe I do suffer from SADD. I need to get to the gym, and despite the scare about the spot on my nose and the strict warnings from dermatologist I have to get in the tanning bed. I really think it is the only thing that will help me. Fortunately, I have great friends and family. Even thought I have hidden away in my house this weekend.
I really have not felt well since coming home from Florida. First a cold, then the stomach flu, then general crappiness, feeling like the cold was coming back,and today a migraine.... even my meds were not touching it.... so frustrating. I do not like being "that person".
Fortunately Sara was in the office.... well, I wasn't crazy...I have been sick since I got home. I have a rip roaring sinus infection.... no wonder my ears hurt, the runny nose keeps coming back, even my gums are infected. Now I am on antibiotics.... and my stomach hurts worse than ever. I am not an antibiotic person.
I am wondering if I need to start back seeing my counselor. I am not sure why.... I can't get myself motivated, and I feel like I do know myself... that I can analyze myself. That nothing anyone else can say will change my behavior. I feel like I know all the words.... but that doesn't help me. I do not know if having someone else tellit to me....if it will change anything.

Sunday nights are the hardest.Last night particularly bad. I didn't feel well...and I missed having someone care about me. then all the old thoughts keep creeping back in. What if I wouldn't have gone to work that Tuesday night.... Why was he taken from me. Why am I supposed to be alone at this point in my life. Being without someone is my choice. I have pushed away people. People that I didn't feel were right at this point.

I feel like such a wrong person.... I want what others have described.... Just have a friend to hang with from time to time.... when I want them.... I don't want to be wanted.... I want the control.... and the control includes not needing someone.... but as I stated above... I do need someone, I do want someone...

But I am afraid of getting stuck here again. I really do not think I can do another winter here.

Even with a great trip to look forward to, to my favorite place in the world.... with my bestest friends....
Even with the fear of change and having made the biggest decision of 30 years.....

even with all the possibilities of the world in front of me....

I am still unable to motivate myself... Seriously.... this is bad.... I just got my Christmas decorations down, they are not even all put away yet....

I haven't gone grocery shopping since I got home two weeks ago....I mean I stopped by Safeway.... but I am eating stuff off the shelf that probably should have gone in the garbage.

Now deciding.... give it all away or try a garage sale.... Someone might find joy in this stuff..... but then why bother, maybe the donating way is smarter....

but how do you just give away a life....at least selling it gives it some worth....even if it just 50 cents.

This page, this revealing my flaws and my fears, makes me feel better.

I heard something today....
Write down your top five priorities.
when you find yourself doing something other than those top five things,
stop what you are doing and focus on number one.

WOW.... I don't know if I can identify the top five priorities in my life. Two years ago that would have been easy.... today I am not sure....

My headache is gone, but not the fears, not the tears, not the same nightmares that have kept me from sleeping for the past two years....

But tomorrow is a new day. I am going to find my five priorities and that is what I am going to work on.... from now on.... and when I am not doing one of those.... I am going to stop what I am doing and focus on number one....

When I figure out the five..... I will let you know.

CANCELLED

2011-01-14T04:27:00.000-08:00

Ukraine cancelled, sigh....

It is just messing with my head tonight. That and the Minneapolis sentinel reports that there are 13 Zodiac signs , not 12 and that I am a Virgo not a Libra.... I am NOT a Virgo.

Being a Libra defined who I have been.... no I do not really believe in that stuff, except that it is scarily correct in so many ways.

So is this all a sign?

I need to start getting bids. I promised my self that I would have that step done by Feb 15th !!

I have to put strict deadlines or I get nothing done.....

I suck at being alone. I am really ready for this next step of moving forward, but am so scared to do so.... looking for reasons for it not to happen so that I so not have to rock my world. What if it doesn't work out? I don't know what part won't work.... I have a safe plan. That is what I need is safety.... but a plan to move forward none the less. that feels right!

OK... so Ukraine is cancelled... what door does that open?
Only time will tell.....