Rebel Loss

Missing the Mark

2013-10-15T15:44:00.000-07:00

While I've learned many things on my journey, one of them is that sometimes the answer I'm looking for might be disguised as an answer to a seemingly unrelated topic. For example, I understand the difference between my habits and my addictions, but to explain the differences to someone else is hard.

Surprisingly, my muddled answer was presented in an organized way by none other than Mr. Money Mustache – a financial guru.

Crazy, right?

I'm a big fan of his because he's hilarious and makes great financial suggestions for people of all walks of life. He posted an article sometime in March about what he's learned about habits and how they affect us. How I missed this wonderful post until now is mind-boggling, but boy, did it really ring true with me.

An excerpt:

If someone asked you to define “habit”, what would you say? Until recently, I probably would have said something like “a repeating pattern of behavior, which is hard for some people to change, and easier for others. And the ability to change habits is sometimes called “willpower”.

But I was surprised to learn habits are much more than that. As it turns out, habits are little chunks of auto-pilot behavior that get burned right into your neurology - permanently. Once you develop a habit, you can never truly erase the program, even if you manage to deactivate it.

I am a creature of habit – of many habits actually. Most of the things I do are on auto-pilot, and as I digested the rest of his post, all those muddled thoughts about habits vs. addictions started clicking into place. I finally understood how to explain the difference.

Simply put: my habits are solutions that travel on an automatic pathway to a solve a single problem.

Need to pee? Walk out of bedroom, enter bathroom, relieve self, flush toilet, wash hands and continue on with the rest of my day.

Itch on my leg? Scratch it.

Done driving? Turn car off, exit car, shut door, lock car behind me.

One problem, one logical solution, one pathway to said solution. Simple.

My addiction on the other hand, is the accumulation of many habits with the same illogical solution: food.

Feeling happy? Eat.

Feeling sad? Eat.

The car broke down? Eat, fix it, then eat some more.

Got a bad grade? Cry and eat.

Aced the test? Celebrate by eating.

Got a new job? Celebrate by eating because I can afford to eat more.

Gave into temptation while dieting? Throw the diet out the window and gorge.

Walk through the door of my house? Immediately open fridge to eat.

The insanity of my mind tells me that every good and bad thing in my life must be rewarded or punished by food...when in reality, stuffing my face accomplishes nothing. Food won't fix my car. It won't help me get a better grade on the next test. It doesn't really make me happy either.

While my addiction is food, my recovery has nothing to do with it. Whenever I focus on food itself, I miss the mark. By missing the mark, it creates a never ending cycle of substance abuse to reward/punish myself for things both inside and outside my control. That's why diets are so popular. Diets focus on what foods I can or can't have for the diet to work, but they never address why I'm addicted to food in the first place.

Since my addiction is a group of habits with the same, insane solution that never actually fixes the problem (and since habits are permanent, auto-pilot pathways) then I will forever be a food addict. These habits (permanent patterns) I created will always be engrained in my brain.

Sounds hopeless, but in reality, it's freeing.

Like Mr. Money Mustache's comments about breaking spending habits, I too can break the habits that feed into my addiction. Instead of focusing on the food addiction itself, I have learned to focus on the patterns that lead to my addiction and replace them with better, logical solutions.

Car broke down? Fix it.

Ate something I shouldn't have? Oh well. Forgive, forget and tomorrow is another day.

Feeling sad? Go take a walk, figure out why I'm sad and face the problem head on.

Feeling happy? Tell someone about it and go do something fun (without food) to make me happier.

Easier said than done, but I'm still happily plugging along on my journey. My recovery is about progress, not perfection. One day I'll wake up, look at myself in the mirror and say, “Wow, look how far you've come. Look how much you've learned. Look at who you really are.”

So, here are some replacement habits I've been working on recently:

Walk through the door and wait ten minutes before opening the fridge: Sometimes I forget to even go into the kitchen now. Success!

Keep credit card/money out of wallet when running errands that don't require money: while some might think this is risky, I've learned to always check the fuel gage in my car before leaving the house, and to always have my cell on hand (and at least halfway charged).* If worse comes to worst, I can walk to the nearest business and call someone for help.

Cook multiple servings of food and turn them into homemade frozen dinners: this has really helped a lot. I started doing this because I'd had some allergic reactions at a few fast food restaurants (fast food is the main part of my addiction, by the way), so I decided to make some frozen dinners that I could turn to whenever the urge to go out and eat hits me. It's worked wonderfully, and they taste 10x better (and cost 10x less per meal) too.

While these new solutions deal with food, they aren't about food itself. I'm retraining my brain that there are better, more logical solutions to my problems. I'm more aware of my thoughts and actions then ever before, and that's where all the progress on my food addiction has come from. I also know the moment I stop paying attention to my thoughts and actions, those old habits will take over. I've learned that I can't coast uphill, and that my recovery requires my own active participation in every moment of my life.

If any of you have an addiction that you want to overcome, I urge you to find the patterns (habits) that lead up to your addiction and work on replacing them with better, more logical solutions. Mr. Money Mustache is way more articulate than me, and I would just be copy/pasting everything in his post since he explains how to replace habits much better than I could, so feel free to head over there if you have the chance.

I just want you to know that I love each and every one of you. You all have a long journey ahead, but it's absolutely worth it.

*Mr. Money Mustache would give me his customary punch in the face for my frequent short trips in the car and my high(ish) cell phone bill, but hey, I'm still learning. :)

The Lions' Den

2013-10-10T14:31:00.001-07:00

Before my first addiction recovery meeting, I almost had a meltdown. I had no idea who would be in there (Drug addicts? Alcoholics? Abusers? Sex offenders? Abusees?), and I sat in my car shaking because in my mind: my problem was just food, right? Food addictions weren't that bad, right? I could do it on my own just one more time, right?

Wrong.

So I sat there, feeling like I was walking into a lions' den (Would these people look down on me? Would they hate me? It's just food. It's not like heroin, or alcohol or cocaine. Their addictions are way worse than mine, right?), and as the clock ticked closer to 7 PM, I knew I had to make a choice: go in, or leave.

What I didn't realize was that there are always more than two choices, but I never would have learned that had I not taken that first step into the door.

That first meeting was surprisingly sparse, and I am so thankful it was. There were only two group leaders and two other participants: one man and one woman. The man was a recovering drug addict who had been sober for about six months, and the woman was coping with an alcoholic son along with her own addiction with food.

Food!

I don't remember what was said in that meeting, but I do remember an overwhelming, peaceful feeling wash over me as I learned that I was not alone. There were other people out there who understood my unhealthy relationship with food. They were seeking recovery too!

That night as I drove home, I no longer felt isolated. I no longer felt fearful of admitting that I needed help. It was liberating to know that there were so many other people around the world seeking recovery – for whatever addiction they were overcoming – and that there really was hope for me.

What I didn't know then was that by attending that first meeting, I had stepped through a doorway that lead to a vast network of information, support and - dare I believe it - love from people all over the Las Vegas valley; people from all walks of life and all stages of recovery were there to help me through mine. To this day, three years later, it still blows my mind.

And guess what? There were drug addicts. There were alcoholics. There were sex offenders, abusers and abusees sitting in these meetings. There were also food addicts, shopping addicts, and people trying to overcome anger issues, depression, and trauma. There were genealogy addicts, co-dependents and those who lost family members, friends, acquaintances, and coworkers to addiction, disease and accidents.

We were all seeking help to overcome these issues, and we found a place where we could share our burdens, fears, and pain with others who were also seeking help. We were all there to rise above our pasts and gain more tools to keep us in recovery - and to help others in theirs. We were all there to find peace and hope for sinners, co-dependents and addicts like us.

And we're finding them. Boy, are we finding them.

I have never learned most of these men and women's last names; but these wonderful, amazing and courageous people have become my best and most trusted friends I have ever had.

And that was well worth taking that first step into the (supposed) lions' den.

The Forest

2013-10-08T12:26:00.001-07:00

When I first started my health journey, I was lost. I felt like I was stranded in a never ending forest of information.

Each tree was rooted in some health philosophy (Juicing! Micronutrients! Veganism! Food Pyramid! Raw! Paleo! Macronutrients!).

And each philosophy had different branches or factions to follow (Juice only vegetables/only fruit/combo of both/only for breakfast/all the time/forever/only when you're sick!)

And each branch had millions of leaves touting the exact way to follow that branched philosophy (40/30/30! Raw 80% of the time! 90%! 100%! Don't eat meat ever! Eat meat on occasion! Eat meat all the time! Eat double the RDA of all micronutrients because they Government just picked random numbers for the RDAs in the 1950s anyway! Soy is the spawn of Satan! Soy is God's gift to man! Omega 6:3 balance must equal 1:1 or 2:1 or be less than 5:1! Eat complete protein at every meal using only these combinations! Or these combinations! Or these! But never these combinations, even if that guy over there said so!)

It was overwhelming.

Sometimes I curse technology – specifically the internet. It is a wonderful tool to gather information, but how much of that information is right? How can I be sure the information I'm reading is correct? Are these people telling me the truth, or do they just want my money? What about all those broken links to the sources at the bottom of the page? Are the links broken because of a server error, were they linked wrong, or did the links ever exist in the first place?

To show you how frustrated I was at the beginning of my journey, I'll show you a few phrases I had typed into the Google search bar. Here were my results:

Diet: 319,000,000 results in 0.25 seconds.

How to eat healthy: 246,000,000 results in 0.19 seconds.

Proper nutrition: 27,000,000 results in 0.32 seconds.

How to lose weight: 345,000,000 results in 0.24 seconds.

I don't know about you, but that's a little daunting for me. If it were all the same information regurgitated 300,000,000 times, great! But unfortunately, this is the forest I was talking about. All that glorious information Google found for me is contradictory. A lot of the cited links on these results are broken. A lot of the cited studies are misquoted, misrepresented or just plain wrong. People are trying to get me to pay money before they even tell me what their amazing program is (Only $39.99 plus shipping and handling!) too.

And the worst part? My brain ate all that information up. Despite the broken links. Despite the money. Despite the poorly-cited studies.

It was a very confusing time.

The first step of addiction is admitting that you are indeed and addict. That part wasn't hard at all. I readily told people I was addicted to food. I was 150 lbs overweight, so it wasn't like I could hide my addiction anyway.

The second part though, was the hardest to admit. Not only did I have to admit that I was an addict, but I also had to admit that I couldn't overcome my addiction by myself. I couldn't try “just one more time alone” because it wasn't working. It never did. I'd lose a little weight then gain it all back (plus more) afterwards.

And the forest of information on google made it even worse.

Once I admitted I was powerless to overcome my addiction alone, the addict part of my brain said, “well, lets look on the internet. That's getting help, right?” I ended up scouring hundreds of different websites for hours on end to find that one cure that would save me from myself. It never occurred to me that maybe I'd overload my brain with so much information – correct and false – that I wouldn't know which way was up or down anymore.

But that did happen. And because it did, I had to go back and admit that I had tried to save myself from my addiction. Again.

So, I found help. But not with a food councilor or a nutritionist or a doctor. No, I found it with an addiction recovery group and a therapist, and those wonderful people made me realize that my addiction had nothing to do with food.

It had to do with myself.

Didn't expect that, did you?

Sounds crazy, but it's true. I wasn't stuffing my face because I was hungry. I was stuffing my face to numb myself. To run away. To make myself invisible because if people saw the wall of fat I created first, then they would never have to see me. The best part of the whole situation was that I could blame anything I wanted to on the wall of fat. In fact, I blamed every negative thing that ever happened to me because of the fat. It was a win-win.

But in reality, it was a lose-lose.

I thought I could white-knuckle my extra fat away, but I couldn't. In fact, the extra fat on my body isn't fat at all. It's anger, hatred, self-loathing, depression, pain, misery, hurt, and regret all packaged not-so-nicely into my already over-stuffed fat cells.

Sounds strange, but it's true.

I now fully understand why my other attempts at dieting didn't work: diets make you lose weight - not the emotions that put the weight there in the first place.

Lose, gain, lose, gain...it was a vicious cycle of distraction from the real issue that I hated myself. I absolutely despited myself and the things I felt I could never forgive myself for; even though to the outside world, I was happy and content. The outside world wasn't there when 2:30 AM rolled around and I would cry myself to sleep, feeling like the lowest human being on the planet. The outside world wasn't there when all the memories of my mistakes – big and small – would come flouncing into my mind and destroy my self-worth further.

Nope. The outside world wasn't there. But I was. So, I would try to run away from those emotions by shoving food down my throat, but it never really worked. I just ate and ate and ate until I was miserable and physically sick.

Once I realized that my whole perception of my addiction was wrong - that it was never really about food – then I started to think that maybe my perception about how to find the truth on Google was too. So, I did what any sane addict would.

I forgot everything I ever learned about food and nutrition and started over.

And boy, has that changed my life.

I am still addressing these emotions residing in my fat cells, but I can honestly admit that I see someone of worth now. I see someone who does make mistakes, but who is not defined by those mistakes. I see someone who can learn from the past, pick herself up and move forward as a better woman than she was yesterday.

I now have a wonderful support group throughout the valley, both addicts (of all vices) and non-addicts alike, who understand where I've been and who cast no judgements. They praise me for my successes and cry with me during my hardships - and I them. I am eternally thankful to them and their infinite wisdom.

And most of all, I learned that there was a pathway under my feet in that forest the whole time; I just had to look in a different direction to see it.

Shhh ... Don't Tell!

2011-08-20T12:07:00.000-07:00

Secrets.

They exist. I have them. You have them.
The man a few houses down who throws leather and Tupperware parties (no joke) has them.

My biggest secret is eating. Sounds crazy, right? No really. It's true.

Let me explain further: I graze in public, but gorge in private. I fast around friends, but shovel food in my mouth when I'm alone. I eat before a party, refuse the food there, then go home and eat some more.

I don't think I'm the only one out there who does this either.

Today, I had to face a truth. Here it is: I can hide what I eat, how much I eat and where I eat it, but I cannot hide what it does to my body.

Now, I can argue that I have a slow metabolism...but I don't.
I can argue that I eat because I'm always hungry...but I'm not.
I can argue that my scale is off by x amount of pounds compared to my neighbor's/doctor's/parent's scale...but it's not.
I can lie as much as I want, but today, I'm telling the truth.

I cannot hide my food addiction.
I am not a healthy eater.
I have a hard time eating until I'm satisfied but very good at eating until I'm bursting at the seams.

The last secret I have to tell is how much I weigh.

Before I reveal it, here's a truth: A number is just a number.

Deep huh?

Example: It's improper to ask a woman her weight. Why? Are all women - including those most people consider thin - ashamed of a number? A number is just a number, right? It doesn't mean anything more than a couple numeric symbols placed next to each other to create a larger numeric symbol, right?

Right?

If that's true, then why do we believe that our worth is defined by that number - be it large or small?

Numbers are as different as people. There are large numbers and there are small numbers, just like our bodies. Numbers can be positive or negative, just like our personalities. Numbers can change over time and numbers stay stagnant, just like you and me.

As you can see, humans and numbers have similar attributes, but only humans can define numbers. Numbers cannot define humans.

That number on your scale is only a representation of your weight. It does not define you. It can't tell you how much of that weight is muscle, fat, bone, blood, water, inflammation or organ tissue. It doesn't reveal your achievements, successes, personality - and frankly - who you are. It only reveals how much you weigh during one snapshot moment in time. Nothing more. Nothing less.

So here's my biggest secret: I weigh 232.2 lbs. It's just a number, and today, a starting point for change.

My challenge to you is to tell someone your number. Say it loud and proud. Texting doesn't cut it. The more people you tell, the more you will find the strength to realize that number is only a number - and that you have the power to change it.

Do not wait until tomorrow, and let today be the day you let go of your secrets.

~ Rebel

Rebel Loss

2011-08-17T23:21:00.000-07:00

My name is Rebel. I have been a food addict all my life. Food has taken control of my thoughts, my actions and my self-worth. Today, I decided to take my life back.

I refuse to stare in the mirror and blame my weight for my problems.
I refuse to put my trust in fad diets and unhealthy eating patterns.
I refuse to Wait Until Tomorrow.
I refuse to destroy my body anymore.

Today, I take a stand.
Today, I break the bonds of food addiction.
Today, I start my journey towards freedom.

When will you start?