Recapper's Delight: Funny television recaps

Glee Episode Review - :The Role You Were Born to Play"

2012-11-09T00:08:00.001-08:00

Glee Episode Review - "The Role You Were Born to Play ."

This is a review, not a recap. That will come later.

Glee has a very bad habit that comes up every time it has a hiatus: it deserts us for what seems like an eternity, and comes back... with something really, really disappointing. I felt that this was easily the weakest episode of the year, with several WTF moments, missed opportunities, and one absolutely terrible strategic error that makes me wonder what the hell the writers were thinking.

The last time we saw Glee, the writers had just broken up the show's three seminal romances, with some top-notch writing and wrenching acting that had us all reaching for our tissues. In the case of Klaine in particular, we had just seen a devastating betrayal, and that story was left hanging, feeling very unresolved and hastily abandoned. So after five weeks of waiting, we come back... and that emotional disaster zone is entirely ignored for almost the entire episode. What coverage it gets is terribly one-sided.

The show's three most effective characters - Rachel, Kurt, and Santana - were completely absent. This episode was almost entirely about the exceedingly boring new characters that Murphy appears absolutely hell-bent to shove down our throats until we upchuck. There might be some good times to focus on these new kids, but it's not immediately after a long hiatus that followed a traumatic episode that tore the show's core characters apart.

We did, of course, have the obligatory Blaine Anderson solo, because apparently it is not possible to get through a single episode of Glee without spotlighting him. We are bathed and enfolded in the full brunt of his self-pitying misery as he laments his breakup with Kurt, and it is clear that we are expected to give him sympathy. However, when he sings "Hopelessly Devoted to You" the lyrics suggest the plight of a devoted lover who has been cruelly and unfairly cast aside by a capricious and unfeeling boyfriend; the audience knows that Blaine's been dumped for cheating on his boyfriend. Blaine's momentary lack of devotion is precisely the problem, and Kurt is not allowed to show us his side of the story. In a side note, Darren Criss' acting in this scene is forced and painfully cheesy. Blaine turns down the role of Danny Zuko because he doesn't think he can play a romantic lead when his own love life is in tatters. Artie deadpans, "I don't think I've ever seen Blaine so Masterpiece Theatre", and that sums up his melodramatic wallowing quite well.

In other news, Artie begs Finn to direct the school musical, effectively turning him into Will 2.0 just as Will decides to leave the state. Since Finn is now Will, Finn needs a new Finn to mentor, so we have the entrance of Glee Project winner Blake Jenner, playing a dyslexic kid named Ryder. Mike and Mercedes show up to help direct the play, and everybody is shocked, shocked I tell you, when Unique - the girl in a boy's body who has been running around in drag since the first time we saw her - asks to play Rizzo. Apparently, wearing a dress onstage will be more dangerous for her than wearing one just for her daily dose of feminine self-identification. It is not at all clear to me why. However, this situation does give Sue the opportunity to reinvent herself as a villain again, and it also gives Finn the opportunity to throw out an objectionable slur because he's gotten angry. Apparently, he has learned nothing at all since "Theatricality" during his sophomore year, even though the other characters, including Will, still stand in line to worship him for reasons left unclear.

Mike convinces Tina to try out for Grease even though she doesn't want to be around him since their breakup. We still have no idea why they actually broke up. We get the set-up - Tina won't audition - and the payoff: Tina gets cast. However, we miss the meat of this conflict. Once again, Tina is given an empty shell for a half-assed story line.

Emma and Will rehash the argument they have already had more effectively covered in "The Breakup." Will demands that Emma come with him to Washington (again.) She says she wants to stay in Lima (again.) This time he listens to her, and that's that. Coach Beiste as a relationship counselor, with her frequent wacky metaphors, was kind of a nice touch.

The audition process reveals a new love triangle - or possibly even a diamond - between Marley, Ryder, Kitty and Jake. Kitty comes across as so mean-spirited and unkind, the audience is left to wonder why anybody would enjoy this girl''s personality enough to make her be considered popular. The grim contrast between Kitty's cackling cruelty and Marley's doe-eyed, bland perfection leaves the outcome in little doubt. I suppose I should be on the edge of my seat wondering if Marley's going to end up with Ryder or Jake. I am actually on the edge of my seat wondering whether Kurt and Rachel have made it through hurricane Sandy all right. While I know this episode was written before that storm hit, I strongly suspect any story that might be told about how these two managed to survive the full brunt of that hurricane would be far more compelling than anything that took place in Lima this week. This dreary diamond did, however, produce my favorite scene of the episode. The choreography of "Born to Hand Jive", which featured Jake and Ryder repeatedly trading dance partners Kitty and Marley in a presentation of elaborate sexual gamesmanship, was vastly entertaining.

I felt like the writers of Glee are trying very hard to make me as invested in the new characters as I was in the old ones, but their efforts are falling very flat with me. I do not think it believable that anybody wants anything to do with Kitty, and Marley is so vanilla as to put me in a coma. Interestingly enough, the only one of the new kids that is really telling a compelling story is Unique, but unfortunately Alex Newell's acting is so poor and wooden he drives me out of the pathos every time he says more than two lines in succession. He's not going to be an effective replacement for Kurt, anymore than Marley is effective at filling Rachel's shoes. As Finn steps in to fill Will's shoes, I feel that I am watching the Glee of the Body Snatchers, and long for the days before Ryan got bored with his show and decided to replace everybody.

Why Blaine Cheated: Explaining the Writer's Intention.

2012-10-31T21:33:00.000-07:00

This Glee hiatus is getting awfully long, I think. I've changed my seasonal wardrobe since Klaine and Finchel broke up, and around the internet I still see people bickering about the breakup of Klaine and who was at fault for Blaine's little tryst with Eli. One person I have been discussing this with on tumblr pointed out that people who are happy with their relationships generally do not go looking for a hookup. Cheating is usually a symptom of a larger problem.

This is true, but that doesn't mean the hookup is excused. There is a very subtle difference between the reason for a piece of bad behavior and an excuse for it. We also have to look at why the writers might have set up this entire scenario the way that they did, because understanding the writer's intent will do much to reveal how this story is expected to be interpreted.

In order to analyze this breakup, we have to get in the minds of the writers and imagine the story that they wished to tell - and the excitable ramblings of angry fans on both sides of the aisle do not really address this carefully. While there are quite a number of Glee fans who are quite ready to string at least one of these two boys up in effigy, that is not the effect I think the writers were going for here on either side.

- Why did the writers want to break up Klaine?
- Why did they have Blaine cheat on Kurt?
- Why did they have Kurt hang up on Blaine?
- Who are we supposed to sympathize with in this situation?

The tricky thing about this situation, of course, is that the real answer to the last question is "both" and a lot of folks don't really want to hear that right now. However, thanks to the information we've been getting from some spoilers, I think we can get a good idea of whom the writers believe to be at fault and how much sympathy they wish the audience to feel for him. Since I am going to be discussing spoilers, you can follow after the break.

Now, four questions:

- Why did the writers want to break up Klaine?

Brad Falchuk told a reporter that he felt Kurt was getting a little lost in Blaine. I will add to this; I think Blaine, for all his solos, was almost entirely submerged in Kurt. They created him as a strong mentor character in his first season, but threw that out the window when it became obvious that he was going to be sticking around. However, they didn't really develop any reliable or consistent personality traits to counter that. Blaine was created for Kurt. He existed for Kurt. At some point, the writers had to find some way to make him a recognizable and unique person who had characteristics beyond being somebody else's boyfriend. I believe that this problem with Blaine's characterization may be one of the reasons why Blaine suddenly became a junior - because they needed, at some point, to separate these two so that Blaine could grow. Of course, the retcon that makes Blaine younger than Kurt is yet another thing that muddles Blaine's characterization. So much for being the wise older mentor!

Also, there's a principle in television writing that I learned years ago from online conversations with a staff writer from Friends who had been involved in writing the famous "We were on a Break!" sequence for Ross and Rachel. The guy actually joined our forum and we got a good look at how a writer's mind clicks. He felt that Ross and Rachel's happy, stable relationship was getting stale and that there would be more opportunity for conflict - which is the engine that drives any plot line for any fiction - if they broke up. We shippers didn't like it, but the writers felt that what we wanted was not good for the show.

That's basically what has happened with Klaine. They've been, for the most part, so stable and sweet and healthy as to be absolutely gooey. If these were real-life friends, we'd be envying them and planning their wedding, but they are a fictional couple in a cracky, mean-spirited universe that thrives on stories about screwed-up people doing horrid things to each other. At some point the writers were going to have to introduce some friction into their relationship before everybody fell asleep every time they entered a room. That's why they had to break up Klaine.

- Why did they have Blaine cheat on Kurt?

Of course, that's probably the biggest question, and some people are asking it with quite a bit of pronounced bitterness. It's especially hard to swallow because Blaine set down some pretty strict and firm ground rules during "Dance With Somebody", and he was very hard on Kurt for breaking them. Blaine's position in that episode, of course, was that flirting with another boy by electronic means is a serious breach of trust, and that's a pretty reasonable position to take. Kurt was wrong there; I had my own reservations about Blaine's judgmental attitude because of what happened with Sebastian, but I certainly agree that one should not be accepting sexy texts from a boy who is not your boyfriend.

However, once Blaine laid down those ground rules, which were more stringent than the ones Kurt would have created, it became more dangerous for him to be the one to break them. I have to wonder if the writers regretted making Blaine so angry during "Dance with Somebody" as they were writing this, or if they actually relished the shades of hypocrisy they were writing into this story.

At any rate, I think it is likely that they had Blaine cheat on Kurt because he is the underdeveloped character. He's been coming across as slightly perfect for months, and he's had a decided "Gary Stu" quality to him. With this upheaval in his characterization, a flawed and interesting character is beginning to arise from the ashes of the destroyed perfect character, and Darren's got a story he can actually sink his teeth into for the first time on Glee. The "Teenage Dream" scene we saw above was, in my opinion, the best work Darren's ever done on Glee. Interestingly, Darren's best work has always come during episodes when Blaine's making mistakes; "The First Time" was another episode like this.

I do not agree with the people who angrily insist that Blaine's behavior was out of character. I don't think it was intentional, but the Glee writers have somewhat consistently made Blaine very needy for attention all the time. It came across as he relished every single solo for the Warblers, and it popped up as he jumped at the chance to sing at Kurt's junior prom - even though he wasn't actually a student at McKinley and he feared being beaten up for coming with another boy! Blaine's need for attention was the primary catalyst for conflict during "Big Brother." It was a factor here; he needed Kurt to give him attention, and Kurt did not have a lot of time to spare for him, so he began to feel very badly bereft, and in need of attention from someplace else - anywhere else. Spoilers indicate that this theme will continue for Blaine, and for the first time, it's certainly deliberate. ~~Blaine is going to refuse to try out for the lead in Grease, declaring that his boyfriend taught him he should not always try to be the center of attention.~~ I do think this story was a bit rushed. I think it would have been more believable if Blaine had had an affair with somebody he knew from Dalton after several months apart from Kurt, but I can see how Blaine's actions came out of a genuine attempt to craft a consistent character flaw from things we've seen before.

The other reason why they had Blaine cheat, of course, is that it's all very shocking and it will make people flip out and talk about it endlessly. Besides, this is Glee; it's almost impossible to have a romantic story that is not marred with infidelity at some point.

- Why did they have Kurt hang up on Blaine?

There appear to be a startling number of people out there who believe the answer to this question is "Because he's a terrible, selfish boyfriend and he'd better learn how to care about the people who love him, or he's going to be doomed to a life of failed relationships!"

No. That is not why they had Kurt hang up on Blaine. They had Kurt hang up on Blaine so the story would not be completely incomprehensible. Most conflicts have two sides, and this one is no different. If Kurt had been a perfectly attentive boyfriend who gave Blaine all the validation that Blaine needed, Blaine would have had no reason to feel lonely and left behind. If Blaine were to have sex with Eli simply because Kurt was not physically around to have sex with him, Blaine would have been destroyed beyond redemption as a character. There had to be some reason why Blaine was unhappy, and it had to have its roots in the choices made by Kurt for Blaine to have any sympathy from the audience. I think the writers were trying to create a story in which we could feel for both boys. Audience members who do not have sympathy for both boys are likely to be too biased to view this objectively; either that, or there is some element of this story that triggers a particularly strong personal reaction.

Note that a reason for bad behavior is not the same thing as an excuse. I do think it would have been entirely plausible if the writers had chosen to have Blaine break up with Kurt because of the short-term neglect; indeed, that was at first the direction I believed they would take. We can debate whether or not Kurt was justified in some of the choices he made in choosing work duties over phone calls from Blaine; whether Kurt had his priorities straight or not, Blaine is entitled to his feelings and he's allowed to be upset when his boyfriend can't talk to him. However, the real question is whether or not the level of neglect from Kurt justified Blaine's infidelity. Blaine's comments to Finn indicate that he does not believe that it did. More spoilers indicate that Blaine will be piteously remorseful for some time to come; this indicates to me that the writers believe that the breakup is primarily Blaine's fault, and that Klaine's continuing story will be a redemption arc, not for Kurt the neglectful, but for Blaine the unfaithful. My own personal hope for the resolution of this story was that Kurt will eventually forgive Blaine, admitting that their current situation makes a relationship too difficult to sustain.

- Who are we supposed to sympathize with in this situation?

We are supposed to sympathize with both of them, clearly. We are supposed to see that Kurt is making his dreams come true after a year of failure and despair. We are supposed to see Blaine's pain when he is ignored. We are supposed to understand why Kurt really can't talk when Joan Didon is on the line, and why this upsets Blaine. Ultimately, the villain in this situation, as it was for Brittana, is supposed to be their circumstances. Ryan Murphy clearly feels that long-distance relationships are impossible. There is no way for Kurt to give Blaine what he really needs, and we are expected to feel very sad for both of them. Santana's speech to Brittany during their own breakup was a direct, pointed commentary about the circumstances surrounding Klaine. Santana's take on this whole situation would probably to hit them both over the head for not breaking up amicably as soon as Kurt left Ohio.

That is not, of course, the reality for much of the fandom. I'm a Kurtsie; my visceral reaction is to scream blue murder about the cheating and stick my tongue out about poor little Blaine being so lonely he had to go seeking a lighthouse. However, that's my inherent bias and I will own it. It's not the reaction the writers were seeking, and I will be intellectually honest enough to acknowledge and examine that.

Glee recap - The Breakup, Part Two

2012-10-17T22:23:00.000-07:00

Glee Recap - The Breakup Part One is Here.

Glee Recap - The Breakup, Part Two.

As we come back to the morning after the Worst Double Date Ever, we see Finn Hudson facing his problems with his normal resourcefulness and determination - he's trying to sneak out of the loft at daybreak without anybody else seeing him. Coward.

Also unsuccessful. "You can't just run away" says a sad voice behind him. It's Kurt, looking absolutely exhausted. Apparently the sleeping arrangements were not to his liking. I didn't think that was going to work out very well. "I've been waiting for somebody to come out", he continues. "I was hoping it would be Blaine." This is ironic in light of what comes later.

Finn just isn't quite ready to face it all; Kurt wonders how it could all have been shot to hell in six months. Finn misses high school. He misses it so much he's about to go back and live there. The two brothers hug, and Finn leaves without a word to Rachel. Don't Speak, indeed.

OK, that's enough well-acted drama from people we care about. Let's move on to some shallow silliness from the Next Generation of cardboard clones. We are back at McKinley, and Kitty has decided she has to save Marley's soul. Bitchy blonde cheerleader as strident Jesus freak. Gee, we've never seen this before on Glee. Kitty has started a Left Behind Club, and may God have mercy on your soul if you don't attend. Her club accepts everybody - even losers and lezzies. I wonder if the staff writers of Glee ever had a conversation with an actual Christian.

This obnoxious gathering of abysmal theologians making mincemeat of the Book of Revelations takes place at Breadstix. Kitty, ignoring the log in her own eye, eagerly declares the rest of them all sinners who need to get right with God, and Santana looks like she's going to have a seizure. Kitty appears to be quite enraptured by the idea of a Rapture, but Dottie is a bit on the fence about it all. Kitty responds to this flame-up of independent thinking by ordering Dottie to go help an imaginary woman who has fallen down in the bathroom. She then orders all these sweet, kind Christian kids to leave the room while Dottie is gone. "Fake Rapture" grumbles Joe, who appears to know it's a crappy thing to do but lacks the moral fiber to stop it. Dottie comes back a few seconds later, sees the empty chairs, and jumps to the crazy conclusion that she has been Left Behind. Yes, that is the very first conclusion I would jump to if a room emptied in my absence. Dottie has a hysterical panic attack, Kitty pounces in triumph, and I want to go back to New York and find out how Hummelberry is managing rather than watch this. Marley wants out of this, too. Can't say I blame her.

Santana's reaction to this garbage is, for her, surprisingly passive. She wants to leave without giving Kitty one of her well-known spiels of rapier-sharp insults, which I find disappointing; I think it would have livened up this scene considerably. We do, however, learn why Brittany wanted to be in this club; "Being Left Behind sucks", she whimpers. Brittany isn't a terrible Christian; she's just terribly lonely without Santana. Although... it is not Santana's fault Brittany failed all her classes last year. Santana did not leave Brit behind. She did this to herself.

Meanwhile Finn, having failed Life 101, has decided to do the Lima Loser thing and hang around Will's office. Didn't the show have Sue insult Kurt quite extensively for doing much the same thing thee episodes ago? Well, it's cool now because Finn the Hero is the person doing it, and he's crying in Will's concerned arms in seconds. It is at this exact moment that I realize Cory Montieth, as talented as he is, really has begun to look much too old to play a kid on a show about a high school.

Finn's sitting in the choir texting somebody - texting really seems to be a dangerous activity on Glee - as Blaine blunders in. Finn's clearly annoyed, and Blaine's clearly feeling awkward - awkward enough to admit that there was no excuse for what he did to Kurt. Gee, buddy, maybe you should have told Kurt that. Apparently, Kurt will not talk to him and Blaine does not even know for sure if they've broken up. Given that Kurt apparently waited up all night for Blaine to come out for a conversation, that seems very strange, and I want to know what got cut from this script. Sam and Artie lighten things up by being happy to see Finn, while Marley and Jake put it all in perspective by staring at this strange 30 year-old-man and wondering why he's come to class. Finn takes a seat and Will hands out a list of really inappropriate musical choices, including Hedwig and the Angry Inch. Yes, from the man who tried to give you Rocky Horror, we have something even more tasteful.

Finn, the Hero of Old, the Guru of Past Glories, has the answer. Indeed, he has the word. "Grease" is the word, sayeth Finn and all shall take note of his wisdom. See, his audition song was from Grease, and it's all about Finn, even when he's graduated. (Of course, Finn's real audition song was "I Can't Fight This Feeling," he was singing in the shower, and he didn't know that Will was listening and cooking up a blackmail scheme.) Finn thinks Grease is about high school and being true to yourself. Clearly he has not seen the ending to Grease, when Sandy gives up her personality and becomes slutty to convince Danny to like her. "The wisdom of Solomon" breathes Artie. God, this is going to be a long year if it goes on like this.

Later that night. Will comes to Emma with a letter and a bombshell. He has made the Blue Ribbon Panel, so he'll be off to Washington D.C. for the next three months to do that. (It makes me wonder if they are considering writing Matthew Morrison off the show entirely. God knows he has not been as effective a lead as they were expecting.) He wants Emma to go with him.

Emma does not want to spend three months twiddling her thumbs in hotel rooms. She'd rather stay at McKinley, with the wondrous, scintillating company of Figgins and Sue. Will, who has been sniffing the air of despair around him (and may be a little bit freaked out by what happened to Finchel) has figured out that in Glee-land, long distance relationships cannot possibly work, so he very firmly asks again, and Emma very firmly declines again. Emma storms out of the room, and in an episode filled with breakups, we are expected to wonder if they are now on the rocks as well.

Uh, no. That was a spat, not an earth-shattering explosion. Nothing to cancel the wedding for. You know how you can tell? There's no musical number involved.

Back at Vogue.com, Kurt is sitting sadly at his cubicle, staring at his second set of yellow and red roses in as many days. Blaine has sent them with a cute little note showing himself in the doghouse, begging once again for forgiveness. I REALLY want to know how Kurt went from waiting up all night to see Blaine to not talking to him at all. I'd have gladly given up the Left Behind club and the insignificant Wemma tiff for that missing puzzle piece in this painfully, woefully unfinished storyline. Chase, the leather enthusiast from the previous week, admires the flowers and wonders if it's a love overture or an apology. Kurt vows that he will be OK - eventually - and throws the note in that garbage. And that is all the closure we get for Klaine. For the second consecutive time going into a hiatus, the writers throw Kurt an absolutely shattering defeat, and leave him and his fans hanging with no resolution, as if his fate and feelings just do not matter in the Glee world.

Santana has called Brittany into the choir room for a bit of bad news. She doesn't know how to say it, so she sings it, tenderly. The song is "Mine", and it's going to make all of the Brittana shippers cry. The Left Behind nonsense shook Santana pretty badly, and she does not feel that she's been a good girlfriend to Brittany. Neither of them are getting what they really need. She doesn't want to be like other couples (we don't want to give any names here) who try to hold it together for a few months until somebody cheats. (Once again, we aren't referencing anybody in particular, are we, hmmm?) And Santana had an... energy exchange... with another lesbian at college. (You know how you can tell the girl was a lesbian? No, not because she was eying Santana as if she were candy. Because she was reading Virginia Wolff.) Therefore, Santana feels that the mature thing to do is to ... well, since she said it was not an official breakup, it's hard to say what this was, but they will not be attempting to scissor through Skype anymore, and we should be expecting Brittany to start dating Sam before Thanksgiving. Santana's conviction is that long-distance relationships are impossible to maintain, and in this she is making a commentary on what happened to both Finchel and Klaine. I think what the girl is trying to say is that none of them had a chance in hell once Kurt and Rachel left for New York, and all the blame-mongering that is currently going on all over the fandom is kind of ill-placed. It's not any one person's fault. The situation was impossible.

I happen to know, from personal experience, that LDRs can in fact work, and can eventually even lead to marriage... but maybe not for kids of 18. At any rate, in a show that is based almost entirely on who is dating who, they had to break up all these couples to have new storylines for everybody.

Back at the lockers, Jake apologizes to Marley for the Left Behind club shenanigans, and she wants to know why "somebody like Jake" is involved with "somebody like Kitty." Quick answer: he's using her because she's pretty and popular. This is the man of your dreams, Marley. He's clearly a Puckerman, and not the best one. Kitty, sweet Christian girl that she is, turns up to hurl random insults at Marley, so Jake breaks up with her. I am certain we will now have six months of the Wrath of Kitty getting even. Either that, or she will threaten revenge and then cut her hair.

And now, in this episode that has had more hit scenes than misses, they hit it out of the ballpark with one of the best monologues in the history of Glee. Finn has had this coming for ages. I had a red, white and blue temper tantrum when he stuck Rachel on the train during the season finale, and she gives him what's coming to him here. Finn has gone back to the start, the place where he and Rachel shared their first kiss, on the auditorium stage. Since he tip-toed out like a coward in the middle of the night, Rachel has flown all the way from New York to find him here. This is where he proposed to her. This is where they first met. Apparently, Rachel's been running all over town trying to find this jackass just to tell him off.... and oh, baby, she does. Atta girl.

"YOU HAD FOUR MONTHS!" she wails, and blast him with this sudden flash of insight. He ran away from her to join the army, and he ran away from her rather than face their issues in New York. He is not a Real Man. (Glee spends a lot of time musing about what a Real Man does. ) She does not need him to give her freedom. She's a grownup and she can make decisions for herself. Oh THANK YOU, Glee writers! It's about DAMNED time!

Finn whines about Brody. Then he whines about the fact that he has no direction and does not know what he wants from life.

Lea Michele does magnificent work here, in an episode that was absolutely glittering with wonderful work from its most capable people. (None of whom are playing new characters.) She tells him that he was the first guy who made her feel desirable, and he was her first love... and maybe he will be her last love. ("Endgame!" cheer the Finchel fans.) But she's had just about enough of this garbage, mooning around for him while he jacks her around like a yoyo. Finchel, who have been really broken up ever since May, are now acknowledging it. Rachel is done with Finn.

"What am I going to do with my life?" whines Finn, in a response that makes me wonder what she means to him and what his priorities are. He moans that he has no place in this world, forgetting for a moment that Burt has very generously offered him a place to land, working in the tire shop. Well, that's OK. The show can't remember that Burt's a Congressman, either. Rachel tells him that he has himself as a resource, and he will spend the rest of this season figuring out what that means. Prediction: In a show that is swarming with 2.0 characters, Finn will be Will 2.0, because their bond has been inappropriately close ever since they met. Finchel get to kiss goodbye.

Brittana got to kiss goodbye.

Klaine do not even get to speak. Presumably, this is our cliffhanger, since I can't imagine people being on pins and needles as to whether or not Wemma has any real problem based on what we just saw.

Finn ends the show singing "The Scientist" and imagining help from all the other members of the shattered couples in this episode. He begins singing with Blaine, and then one by one Santana, Kurt, Brittany and Rachel make their final sad comments in solo lines. Will and Emma appear on the stage of doomed lovers as well, but here's how we know they will be OK; they do not get any solo lines in this.

One thing I am taking from this episode; the established characters move us with great performances and deep emotion. The new ones are boring and silly. If I had a vote, we'd ditch Lima entirely and move anybody with any substance to New York. That loft is so damned big, I'm sure Kurt and Rachel could find a place for them all.

Cast for All-Star Celebrity Apprentice Announced!

2012-10-12T14:06:00.001-07:00

Earlier this year, I blogged about the fifth installment of the Celebrity Apprentice, with an unapologetic and clearly admitted bias in favor of (perennial) runner - up, Clay Aiken, who lost to Arsenio Hall. It does appear that Clay's lot in reality show life is become best friends with a bald black guy and then lose to him in the final despite outperforming him by a substantial margin. Well, they just announced the contestants for the first Celebrity Apprentice All - Star cast, and my curiosity got the best of me, so I peeked. Are there any of our old gang there?

The answer is yes... but I am confused.

Some of the people from past seasons - even the obnoxious ones - I understand.

Gary Busey - I guess Trump enjoys working with crazy people. It probably makes for great television.

Trace Adkins - No reaction.

Omarosa Crazy Bitch - See also Gary Busey. Clearly the criteria is not whether or not a person was actually a good player.

Marilu Henner - OK, she's kind of a class act.

Stephen Baldwin - Clearly has nothing else to do.

Brande Roderick - Uh... who?

Claudia Jordan - OK, I am going to have to look some of these people up.

Dennis Rodman - ... And any chance that ever existed that I might watch this without Clay Aiken in the cast has just plummeted to zero. Yuk. I can't even look at this moron.

Bret Michaels - OK, here's a guy who actually won the thing! A genuine all-star!

La Toya Jackson - Because the more obnoxious and talentless members of the Jackson family simply WILL NOT GO AWAY even though Michael is dead.

Lil Jon - Back to IMBD. Is Robbin in da Hood coming too?

Lisa Rinna - OK, I know her. I'm not excited about her, but I know her.

Dee Snider - Hi, Dee! You got screwed last time around! Are you out for revenge?

and...

Penn Jillette.

Say what?

Penn Jillette? The guy who went on Adam Carolla's webcast to discuss how corrupt the show was? Penn Jillette, who thought it was just great that the Blue Man Group sent their charitable contribution to one of the tasks flying all over New York City? Who thought that this act was the triumph of artistic ambition over crass commercialism? The one who put together a music video making fun of the entire process (with frequent gentle digs at Clay?) The one who said, "I've never been so set up IN MY LIFE?"

Excuse me, but why the goobers is he here? I thought he had dedicated himself to decrying the malarky in Celebrity Apprentice! Mind you, he's a good player and he deserved better than sixth place, but... REALLY????

Well, I guess we should all be grateful. It appears that Aubrey was not invited this time.

The Writers of Glee and Kurt Hummel

2012-10-11T07:55:00.000-07:00

Glee writers seem to have a particular mindset about the life and loves of Kurt Hummel. Take a look at this, while I continue to potch away at my next recap installment. It's... pretty remarkable.

Sophomore Year - OK, kid.

You can kick the extra point and win the football game for McKinley High School.

You will begin to have a loving, close, touching relationship with your father.

You can be on the Cheerios. Heck, we will even let you have the big solo that wins the National Championship for them!

However, you must not be attracted to another boy. If you like a guy, and make an attempt to act on that, we are going to crush you like a bug for being a stalker.

OK, Junior Year. Well, you wanted to be kissed so badly? OK, we will let you have a kiss.

Of course, after that happens, we have to drive you out of McKinley High School for six months. You get to lose Regionals, and your only competition solo in high school is going to be excruciatingly bad. Once you get back to McKinley, they are going to name you Prom Queen. Oh, and we almost killed your father, too! But guess what? It's your lucky day! You also get to experience this!

You get a boyfriend! And he's the most desirable gay man (played by a straight man) in the entire country according to AfterElton! Doesn't that make it all better?

So, Senior Year. You want it to be magic? It's not going to be magic. It's going to be a nightmare. You don't get to sing or dance in the school play. You are going to be beaten in the election for Senior Class President by an incompetent moron. And you may give an audition for NYADA that is praised very highly....

But you aren't going to get in. In fact, you are going to end the season with no plan, no career, no future, no anything. But wait, a minute... all is not lost! This happened!

So what on earth are you complaining about? You get to sleep with your loving, sexy boyfriend! Your life is complete, right?

No? Alright, you ungrateful little creep. You want personal accomplishments, goals, triumphs? OK, here, you've got it. Have an improbable internship at Vogue in New York City. Just waltz right in and get the job right away. Your boss will love you. You will have a great start to a fashion career in the most exciting city in the world. Happy now?

But there's a catch...

We are taking away your boyfriend.

"The Breakup" Glee Episode Recap - Part One

2012-10-09T00:47:00.003-07:00

"The Breakup" Glee Episode Recap Part One

Here they are guys, one last time:

Finchel

Klaine

Brittana

We begin at McKinley with a camera POV gone crazy. The camera is following some odd little fly as it buzzes through the lunch room and lands on... Marley, who is furtively sneaking some red tickets into a pocket. Not that I really care, you understand. I am waiting for the interesting people. Jake is not fooled by her; he knows that those little red things aren't raffle tickets. They get her a free lunch, and apparently, Jake uses them, too. Jake's mom - the one who boffed Puck's dad while he was still married to Puck's mom - was a real estate agent until the recession hit, and now she waits tables at a country club while obnoxious people like Kitty's mom refuse to give her tips. Notable piece of new information : Jake's mother is black. I pretty much figured that, but it's mildly interesting to have this confirmed. So the new Power Couple that Glee is trying so desperately hard for us to invest in is biracial. Cool. Yawn. Oh, and Jake is taking dance lessons. Be still my beating heart.

Across the cafeteria, we see that Brittany and Blaine bear each other no ill will for the Class President election; they are sitting together, watching Young Love bloom and waxing nostalgic for the time when they were the ones who had love at McKinley. Blaine remembers when everything was so full of hope and new opportunities. Every day was Valentine's Day. Brittany wonders whether that should not still be the case; they are both still very young... And that is the point that will bring the world down around the ears of both of them before the episode is done.

In New York City, Kurt is cooking eggs and offering some to his roommate, the vegan. She rejects them - not because she's a vegan, but because she's more interested in discussing how late she went to bed. No Kurt, she and Finn were not making up for lost time all that night; apparently, Finn was kind of freaked out about the whole Brody thing and wouldn't talk to her. Finn has not been communicating well with Rachel lately. Might be an issue later. Hmm. Ah, speak of the devil. Kurt decides they need space, so he'll just go to the park and watch people sell each other drugs. And, knowing the self-defense techniques he discussed last week, he'll probably be twitching insanely as he does it.

Rachel the Vegan offers to make Finn some eggs - I suppose Kurt took his with him, because it's normal to munch on portable foods like fried eggs while sitting in a park watching the drug deals go down. Finn admires this barn they've managed to score in a dangerous neighborhood that Kurt has just ventured into alone. After some very brief chitchat, Rachel launches into the real question. What the blithering hell is he doing here after dropping off the face of the earth for five months? And why isn't he in uniform?

Ah, Finn is not in uniform because apparently, he was as bad at being in the army as he is at everything else. Finn was a soldier for 16 heady days. Apparently he scored high marks for suffering from being yelled at with endurance and grace, but he failed Gun Cleaning 101. See, Finn, you are supposed to empty the gun before you clean it. He shot himself in the thigh and got himself very semihonorably tossed out on his butt after some medical attention. Then, wracked with embarrassment, he backpacked around Georgia for six weeks and never let anybody know where he was. He's beginning to seriously internalize this motif of being a Lima Loser. Either that, or the writers just decided that they didn't want a whole section of the show based on scenes in the military.

Rachel's not having it. She thinks Finn should audition for NYADA, because after all, it's a piece of cake to get into that place. Maybe they can stalk Carmen Thibadeux until she caves. Again. It would be interesting to see Finn in Cassandra's dance class. Interesting? No, sorry, I mean excruciating or hysterical, depending on how much you love Finn. Anyway, she's going to make him follow her to all her classes tomorrow. That certainly will help him build his self-esteem and confidence. Now kiss, you two. You are contractually obligated to kiss a certain number of times a season and you need to make up for lost time.

Santana is back in Lima, folding laundry and making fun of the writers who allowed Kurt to score a New York internship based on nothing but a portfolio of truly awful outfits. Maybe she's mad because he has gotten to be in every episode so far and she has not - or maybe she's right and his professional success was ridiculously fast based on very flimsy qualifications. My theory: Yes, Congressman Hummel, we will be glad to give your son an internship here. Now, about that appropriations bill....

We learn that Santana comes home every couple of weeks to do laundry with Brittany. So actually, of all the people in long distance relationships right now, she's the one who has been trying the hardest to make it work out well. This is good, because Brittany is developing some odd hobbies in Santana's absence. Apparently Quinn 2.0 recruited this openly bisexual girl for her rabidly fundamentalist book club. Actually, I'm still figuring out how Brittany managed to read the name Nicolae Carpathia. Wouldn't A Cat Sat on the Mat be more her thing?

Brittany wants Santana to sit on the next club meeting. Yes, that could be very entertaining. I think it might be quite interesting to see Santana interact with Kitty. Did I say "interact?" I mean "tear to shreds verbally."

Blaine is wandering down the hallway, waiting breathlessly for his 8:30 appointment phone date with Kurt. This phone date takes place while Kurt is at work, a terrible idea for which they both deserve a knock on the head. Kurt has called Blaine. Please note... this is important.

KURT has called BLAINE. While at work. I didn't say he wasn't being an idiot.

Blaine chirps "Hey, Stranger" a pretty good greeting to inform us where his head is right now. Kurt is sitting at his switchboard, and I am thinking that he thought a job function which placed him on the telephone would be the perfect way to talk to Blaine on company time, right? Maybe not. Strangely enough, clients are calling and he has to take those calls. Now. Right now. If he wants to make a living in New York City. GOT THAT????? Blaine does not, really - and I will say this. Kurt was insane to schedule this date while he was at work.

Kurt has taken over Isabella's phones for the week. Strangely enough, the primary editor of a website for freaking VOGUE is highly in demand and gets a lot of phone calls. Seriously, who knew? They won't stop ringing. Blaine says it's OK, which means "It's not right, but it's OK" in Blainespeak, Blaine realizes Kurt probably ought to call back later, but Kurt has a looming deadline that will prevent him from calling again... today. Kurt realizes this is frustrating, but... this could be a career for him.

It could be a career for him. A month ago, he was giving Kitty new iced coffees because the first one was too cold. Now he has a chance to make a future for himself. Blaine gets that, but what he really gets is that he misses Kurt. He misses talking, hugs, he misses... other things. (This is the first acknowledgement that these boys are actually intimate with each other that we've seen in a year.)

Kurt interrupts this sweet litany of all the tenderness Blaine misses. He offer practical solutions, instead. Blaine is coming in two weeks, right? There's a plan! This will make it OK! This will make the pain subside... a plan?

No, not really. What is Blaine supposed to do for two weeks? ( Pertinent quote from the past: "That's why they invented MASTURBATION!") Kurt cuts off Blaine because this next caller is famous, important, and has really good gossip, and Blaine finds himself saying "I love you" to a dial tone. No, it wasn't all Blaine's fault. Just the really bad stuff. Kurt had moments of douchery, too.

And now we have poignant scenes of a fish out of water, a square peg in a round hole, a loser out of Lima. Finn is stuck watching Rachel's classes because she's got this idea that he might eventually end up going here. Finn was a remedial dancer back in LIMA. To his eternal credit, the Finnster knows he doesn't belong here, that he'd never be accepted as a student there, Now, he thinks Rachel has found her place - maybe Cassandra finally stopped being so bitchy to her - but there's no place for him here. Unless there's a nice curriculum for being a professional drummer? They could get him a mentor too! Is Ringo Starr available for Glee? Oh, the possibil... no drumming degree, huh? Rats. Finn's a good drummer. He used to be the man of Rachel's dreams, but now he's not even in te same world. So now he feels a song coming on! It's going to be a duet with Blaine, and they aren't even in the same state! Isn't this mental telepathy between them amazing?

The song is Barely Breathing, and I am struck by the difference in the two boys as they think about the person they love and the distance that grows. Blaine is alone - he's in the auditorium, singing to an empty chair, having clearly taken some notes from Clint Eastwood. Then he turns, to see Kurt watching him, dressed in the same outfit Kurt was wearing when trying to infiltrate Dalton for the first time. But it's just a mirage; Kurt is somewhere in New York getting the best gossip from Joan Didon. Blaine is alone. Blaine is alone. Never mind that he's Senior Class President, a member of about ten clubs, and Sam's new bro. Kurt's not there, and Kurt WAS McKinley for Blaine. Therefore, Blaine Is Alone.

Finn is in the same room with Rachel - watching her dance, watching her chat with other people, and occasionally holding her in his arms. Finn is not alone... but the distance between them still yawns for him.

How Alone is Blaine? Blaine is so Alone that the writers are prepared to destroy him completely for dramatic impact. It's not out of character, necessarily, but it's a pretty damaging dramatic choice, right up there with Finn's behavior towards Quinn and Rachel in Season Two. Blaine Anderson, the boy who allowed Sebastian to flirt with him, the boy who condemned Kurt so completely for accepting flirty texts from a guy named Chandler, the boy who urged Kurt to leave for New York... is on Facebook, poking some random stranger named Eli. Eli invites him over, and Blaine gets up to go somewhere... where he's not Alone. He's about to become a rather stunning hypocrite and a whole lot worse, but at least he won't be Alone for a minute or two. I agree without reservation that Kurt has been neglectful, and that he needs to give Blaine more quality time and attention after work is over. However, to bring up a pertinent quote from a guy who just hates cheaters, " “Then talk to me! Tell me you’re unhappy; but don’t cheat on me!” If Kurt is busy at work, your other options are Facebook, e-mail, texting, and leaving a message on his answering machine, or even writing a good old-fashioned love letter.

Kurt and Blaine have been separated for three weeks. I've had diets that lasted that long.

Back in New York... Finn doesn't WANNA wear a suit! Nononononononononono! He didn't bring one, and no, Kurt you are NOT going to dress him! Kurt dresses weird. Rachel and Kurt want to drag him to a kareoke bar named Callbacks. All the coolest, most talented NYADA kids go there and show off how well they sing! Will you sing, Finn? Finn is not delusional. He does not want to sing at Callbacks to an audience of people who are good enough to get into NYADA. I have to give him props for his self-awareness.

Knock on the door. Who could it possibly be? Whoever it is, he's got a bouquet of flowers so big it completely covers his... BLAINE! Kurt The Neglectful Boyfriend is so overjoyed by the sudden appearance of his lover that he rushes in for a quick kiss before the camera operator can pan away to something more family-friendly, and then Rachel cuts him off to hug Blaine because we can't have long shots of gay male kisses. Even if this may be the last one for a very long time.Or, like, ever.

Blaine now gets to be shocked that Finn is also in New York. Gee, he could have just waited a few hours for that duet? Among... other things. (Kurt happily sniffs the flowers. He spends more time with his face in the flowers than he did with his lips on Blaine.) Rachel is ecstatic that they are all here, just like the good old days, and a wonderful time will be had by all, for sure.

Sure.

So we are in Callbacks, watching the piano play, and Blaine looks like he's going to a funeral. Kurt's a little puzzled by this, but he's excited, too. It's their first (and last) night out in New York! They will never forget this!

No, baby, probably not. Not as long as you live. You'll never be able to forget.

Finn and Rachel are exploring the vast cultural differences between them in the realm of alchohol - free drinks as he orders a coke and she orders an amaretto sour (virgin.) Then... Brody shows up and appears to be very civil and pleasant as he suggests that Rachel and Finn sing. Finn knows he can't manage the singing at this level and begs off... virtually guaranteeing that his girl will get to spend several minutes staring into Brody's eyes for a duet. After all, in Glee, a duet is an overt sexual act, a kind of foreplay. Rachel is so aware of this convention that she whispers "I love you" rather anxiously before she takes the stage.

I love how, although they decided that Brody was singing with Rachel only seconds before, he knows exactly when her lines end and when he should join in. It's just like they've been rehearsing this song ("Give Your Heart a Break") on the sly for weeks... hmmm. Over at the table, Kurt is the ONLY person enjoying himself. He thinks he's chilling at a bar. Finn's watching Rachel fly away and Blaine is considering hari kari. Once Brody and Rachel start the dreaded Looking Into Each Other's Eyes, we know there's gonna be a reckoning in Finchel Land.

Rachel bounces down happily and begs Kurt to do his Sweeney Todd Mega-Medley. Kurt refuses, not because he is not warmed up as he insists, but because the producers of Glee have decided that Kurt does not get to sing anymore at all ever unless they absolutely can't prevent it. Chris obviously pissed somebody off really badly and really permanently.

But Blaine wants to sing a solo! Of course he does! Never mind that he's already had a duet with Finn, of course it's his turn to sing again! It's always Blaine's turn to sing! And that's what you missed on Blee! Of course, this song is a pivotal narrative moment... one has to wonder if the night would have turned out differently if Kurt had agreed to sing that damned Sweeney Todd medley instead.

Blaine hits the piano for what he hopes will be this huge romantic gesture. He's going to sing an acoustic, stripped-down version of "Teenaged Dream"... a song for the love of his life. Eli. Oops, sorry, no, not Eli. It's Kurt, in the corner, still smiling with the innocent belief that all is well and they are having a wonderful time.

And when he starts this, it is alright but
Soon it's getting heavy, stuff is coming to light
Now every phrase is wavery, he's got something on his mind...

Something big is wrong tonight
There's regret with love
He will sing until he cries
And it's getting very, very hard to watch this scene.

By the time Blaine hits the chorus, his voice is so halting and pained that the blissful smile on Kurt's face slowly turns to worry and concern. Finn can tell something is wrong as well. Rachel finally gets it by the final chorus. The solo goes on for several more measures than is really necessary to get the point across: Blaine's heart is seriously aching and he's about to turn into a puddle of tears on the floor at Callbacks. I will say this, quite firmly. This was, without question, the best work Darren Criss has ever done on Glee. Even when I knew why he was feeling so bad, no matter how angry it made me, I can't watch this incredibly painful scene.

He is greeted with applause, and Brody smiles. That's not an appropriate reaction for the meltdown you just witnessed, Brody. Is there a psychiatrist in the house? I don't supposed Emma randomly flew down here for no particular reason? Nuts.

So, of course, everybody shuffles Blaine out of there and to the nearest 24-hour psychiatric clinic, right? Nope, the two couples separate for romantic strolls in what's about to become the Worst. Double. Date. Ever. EVER. And it's all because of those two songs. Hell, they could have avoided the whole thing if they'd just gone to see a movie. Finn notes wryly that Rachel sounded great with that new guy whose been hanging around her apartment. Rachel is regretting that Finn did not sing with her, but he knows that he is not suited to New York at all.

Kurt wants to know what that meltdown in Callbacks was about. No, Blaine, it's not just that you missed him. What. Is. WRONG????? And with that question, the world officially ends for a very substantial portion of the Glee audience. In the peaceful Klaine meadow, the birdies chirp and the children play, right until the moment the atomic bomb goes off. Blaine tells the truth. "I was with someone."

BOOM!

And they were NOT watching old movies, or playing scrabble, or chatting about how great Kurt is, or kissing a few times until Blaine wrenched himself away at the last moment. No, they didn't. Blaine knows what he did and he's not going to make what he did sound worse than it actually is. I guess I have to give him some credit for not lying about it. Chris' face is amazing to watch here. He goes from concerned to shocked to broken in a period of milliseconds, and you can see his thoughts as he processes through this earth-shattering bombshell of a Klaine-breaker.

"So, are you sure that Brody guy and you are just friends?" snaps Finn, who knows you can't have a duet on Glee without there being romance somewhere in the air as well. Rachel, cornered, begins to have her own confessional. She couldn't get in touch with him. He wouldn't talk to her. She didn't know where he was... and it went on for four months before she kissed another guy. Oh, and yeah, Finn told her he was setting her free and then disappeared into the clear blue sky.

Now, Blaine... THAT'S somebody who was being a neglectful boyfriend. Rachel waits four months to kiss somebody else and Blaine waits three weeks to have sex with somebody else. Guess which of these cheaters I am more likely to sympathize with? Oh, and by the way, Finn, you broke up with her at the train station. So SHE'S not a cheater of any kind, anyway.

By the way, I just have to ask... why was Rachel wearing enough makeup to set up a brothel on 7th avenue? That was really distracting, and it doesn't seem like her when she's quite that artificial.

Back at the hulking pit of nuclear devastation that used to be Klaine, Kurt want some answers. Was it Sebastian? Oh, honey. How long have you had this fear at the back of your mind, that Sebastian still waited in the wings, waiting to make his move? Nope, it wasn't Sebastian... Blaine has MULTIPLE options of ways to cheat on you, dear! And you get to worry about ALL of them now! All the time!

He didn't mean anything to you? Uh, isn't that what you said about Sebastian? Just a hookup? So how significant is intimacy to you, exactly? It's sacred to Kurt.

And of course, what REALLY matters here, Kurt, is that Blaine was by himself for three whole weeks, when he needed you, and you weren't there because you selfishly went off to New York to have a career doing something that didn't slowly kill your soul! And why did you go? Because Blaine told you to leave! So Blaine is very, very sorry that you made him do this.

Sorry, folks, that is indeed what Blaine tells Kurt here, although he changes his tune later with Finn. It does not matter what Blaine meant, or how much culpability he admits to later; this is what Kurt hears now, and it will influence his decisions.

Kurt is crying pretty ugly by now... it does appear that this kid really can't catch a break without a huge, huge price to pay. He got his big internship last week, and his life finally began to have some success in it, after an entire year of misery and failure... and this is the price he must pay for that sliver of happiness. Kurt says he's had temptations, too... cute little piece of gay tail swishing his smart, competent, sassy little ass around Vogue, yes, I suspect he had his chances. Not that we saw those; I suspect if we had been allowed to see Kurt turning down advances, Blaine would have been put in an even worse light than he is now. Kurt didn't act on those chances. He knew what it meant. Of course, the last time Kurt even flirted with a guy Blaine went absolutely ballistic and shamed him mercilessly in front of all their friends. Funny how the tables turn, huh? Or not so funny, as these four broken hearts begin to sing "Don't Speak."

Finn wanders away from Rachel; Kurt runs from Blaine in shattered tears. The circumstances are shattering, but this was an amazing song with some great duet lines and harmonies. We have Finn and Blaine each sing by themselves, and then a duet line with Hummelberry, and then Finn and Rachel argue in a line together. Blaine and Kurt sit on the fountain, facing in opposite directions, singing together in one of the few times they've blended perfectly.... and then Kurt runs away like an injured and frightened little boy.

Somehow, they all get back to the loft, and there's kind of a weird piece of staging here that really doesn't make any sense at all. It's time to go to bed now, and for reasons that aren't very well thought out, both of these couples are going to follow the sleeping arrangements that were planned before everything went to hell. Rachel and Finn are lying down in one bed, which barely makes sense, and Kurt is allowing Blaine to share his bed, which is so ridiculous as to be almost offensive. At least one could argue that Rachel, as both the "cheater" - and I use that term loosely - she may feel like she's obligated to give Finn a place to sleep, but...

Why the hell is Blaine not stuck on the couch? At any rate, the two broken couples lie down in a dreadful, aching reminder of their intimate montage during "The First Time." Two pairs of lovers faced each other then. They turn away now, and turn out the light. At least Rachel took most of that damned makeup off.

To be continued... what? We've got weeks to get through this. They've gone on hiatus... again.

But now the second half is up. Follow the link.

First thoughts on Glee Episode "The Breakup"

2012-10-04T21:25:00.000-07:00

Um... wow. Are we about to go on hiatus? We are? Then Ryan Murphy is going to pull out all the stops, isn't he? This is my quick review of the Glee episode "The Breakup."

I have mixed feelings about this episode, to be very honest. I was actually really looking forward to it, because I had heard that it was very emotional and very touching. And let me make this clear; I approved quite vigorously of many of the things that happened in this episode. At the same time, I felt that to some degree they were piling on the melodrama for the sake of melodrama and this had "manipulate the audience" written all over it in several places.

The Finchel Break Up - I am a tad confused. Uh, weren't they already broken up? Why is Finn upset with her for moving on when he dropped out of her life for months? Indeed, I'd like to make an observation here; Finn dropped out of her life in May, and she began to stop holding her torch for him in October. That's five months she held on, loving him and being faithful to... what? when he sent her no communication of any sort whatsoever. And yes, I've got a point there, and it's going to hit somebody else like an anvil. I am proud of Finn for realizing that he was obstructing Rachel's life, and I am proud of Rachel for realizing that she's not in the right place to be with Finn right now. This was the strongest and most believable of the four breakup scenarios. Also... stellar work from both Lea and Cory on this. However, this story does confirm my long-held suspicion that Rachel is too... not too good for Finn, but too big. He can't keep up with her, and I am really happy that the script acknowledged that. This has been in the making for a long time, and they did it right. A+.

Klaine... ah, no, I can't, just yet...

Brittana... here's the problem. I really do think that this couple needed to break up, simply because Santana needs a stronger partner. Brittana came together basically because of a joke that went viral, as it were. Santana was written straight. She was kind of into Puck. The joke about her having sex with Brittany was just a joke, until the audience seized on the strong longing to have a lesbian couple on the show. The problem, of course, is that it's not a very suitable coupling. Brittany is inconsistently written and very poorly acted. She's a cartoon character, whereas Santana has grown into a complex anti-hero of real stature. Yes, I have wanted this coupling to break up for some time.

So why did I find this kind of unsatisfying? Was it because this particular scenario was so intricately entwined with that stupid Left Behind garbage subplot they gave to the new kids? I though the events that kicked off their big breakup conversation were very contrived. The conversation itself, once it began, was heartfelt and beautiful, but the journey to get there felt strained.

Klaine... erk. Uh, let's discuss Wemma.

I'm gonna be honest; while I found their fight entirely believable, I am not sure I am seeing any grounds for a breakup either direction. He wants her to go with him to be on that Blue Ribbon panel for a few months, and she does not want to go. So.... he will go and she will stay, right? Is this cause for an argument? You bet it is. Will was being quite the chauvinist, and good on Emma for calling him out about it. However... that's really all it was. Did I miss the part where she said she was calling off the wedding? That she didn't want to see him anymore? Did he say that he didn't want her if she wouldn't honor, obey, and follow him obediently around?

I honestly think, if we didn't have breakups happening all around us, we would not be under the impression that they'd broken up at all. I think they just had an argument, and might very well go out to dinner later.

OK. OK. Klaine.. Klaine... uh, can I just say something real quick about the Jake/Marley/Kitty... think that kept barging in uninvited to this very emotional episode I was watching about characters I actually cared about? The parallel between Rachel and Quinn in the first season is too deliberate and jarring, and frankly, I am not interested in watching old stories warmed over and retold to us with characters who are bland imitations of the prototypes who went before. Do. Not. Want. I do not care that Jake broke up with Kitty because if Marley gets any duller she's going to make us all comatose.

At times during this episode I felt like I was listening to a symphony, and then for some reason at odd moments somebody started blaring into my ear with a kazoo. That's what the McKinley scenes with the new characters felt like to me. I think when the rest of our old friends graduate they need to move the whole original gang to New York and forget about Lima.

OK. Moment of truth. Klaine.

I'm a little shocked they did this. I was spoiled, of course, and I am glad I was. If I had not been, I would have been so angry while watching the show that my husband might have thought I was insane. As of three days ago, I was fully braced for a dramatic scene in which Blaine informed Kurt that he was setting him free because he felt they were drifting apart, or even because he thought Kurt was being a selfish and neglectful boyfriend. I expected that. This... was something else.

It was more one-sided than I expected. In my last blog, I told you all that the spoilers reminded me of Ross and Rachel. The reason? Ross feels neglected because his girlfriend, newly busy in the New York fashion industry, does not have time for him. After a big fight about that, she suggests that they take a break. He, believing himself to have been dumped, goes out and sleeps with a random chick. Rachel breaks up with Ross for cheating on her. I was expecting something that balanced - where Ross made a terrible mistake because he believed he'd been dumped.

Well, there were parallels here. Except that they left out the part where Blaine's indiscretion was caused by unkind words said during a fight. From my point of view, it appeared that Blaine got his panties in a wad because Kurt could not conduct personal telephone conversations while at work, so he went out and cheated on him. That's quite a bit less ambiguous than the scenario that Friends presented us with.

Of course, the other parallel is to Kurt and Blaine's own story during Dance With Somebody. Here's the observation I made on tumblr: ,

Blaine neglects Kurt, so Kurt allows another guy to send him sexy texts. Blaine responds by singing him an insulting song in front of the entire Glee club.
Kurt neglects Blaine, so Blaine allows another guy to send him sexy facebook messages. Then he has sex with him. Kurt responds by quietly throwing the apology in the garbage.
That’s all. Think about it.

Blaine has violated the very standards of behavior that he used to condemn Kurt in an earlier episode, and then taken it much further. The hypocrisy is hitting me harder than the cheating, actually. I'm kind of sorry they did this - sorry that this breakup was so stunningly one-sided, the fault so clear. Did they actually intend to rewrite Dance With Somebody in a way that made Blaine look quite this bad? The very fact that Kurt and Blaine have already lived through a much milder version of this story once is a head scratcher - especially since Blaine's behavior towards Kurt for much of that episode was so loudly, cruelly harsh and judgmental for a much milder level of infidelity. I can kind of see why some of the Klainers are really angry right now.

Remember when I said that Rachel held out for five months before she let Brody turn her head around? She did - and during those five months, she had no contact with Finn at all. Finn didn't hang up on her; he never called at all. There were no Skype sessions, no telephone calls, no texts, no emails, no Facebook conversations. He disappeared, and Rachel stayed true for five months. Blaine was in another guys' bed in less than four weeks of interrupted phone calls and Skype dates watching Treme and pretending to share popcorn.

I expected Blaine to break up with Kurt for being neglectful. This... wow. I would like to point something out, though: that reprise of Teenage Dream is hands down the best work Darren Criss has ever done on Glee. Chris Colfer was also his amazing self.

So, this was an acting showcase for the show's most gifted cast members. The Finchel story was a masterpiece, the Brittana story was saved by a tour de force performance from Naya Rivera and the Wemma story... was a tagalong that probably isn't as serious as it seems. The Klaine story was a dark and terrible version of a rerun, beautifully acted by both boys. I would have been very happy to have scuttled the entire Jarley/Kitty story to get a little more reaction from Kurt.

The best work Glee has done? No, probably not. I was too aware of the puppetmaster in his little yellow hat, cracking his knuckles in a Hollywood studio and saying "AH! These couples are stagnating, and we need to give them new things, or people, to do! Let's make them ALL break up at the same time and send them hurling in to the depths of a hiatus, their futures uncertain! The fandom will freak! MWAH HAHAHAHA!

Yeah, well, this is the guy who had Quinn get hit by a truck, don't forget, so that we'd have a cliffhanger at the hiatus. It's the same kind of manipulation. This time, we got hit by a truck - especially the shippers.

And that's what you missed... on this Glee review: The Breakup. I will get out a full recap somewhat later.

And the biggest Glee spoiler of all....

2012-10-04T08:57:00.000-07:00

The BIG Glee spoiler!

OK, everybody. I've been trying to keep up with the Glee spoilers here, but I fell behind because of work related stuff. In the meantime, we've gotten a game-changing piece of news about Klaine. I don't think it's a fake spoiler, either. I think that's wishful thinking. It's such a big deal I am not going to put this on the front page. If you are interested, follow after the jump. In the meantime, enjoy a couple of pictures of Klaine during happier days.

So... Blaine CHEATS on Kurt, huh?

Wow. Gee, a song comes to mind...

Oh, the irony. I wonder if they did this on purpose. Well, Blaine's been kind of one-dimensional and dull for a long time. I guess that's over now. At any rate, I think this is very good for the show, for these reasons:

- Blaine needed to become more flawed and human. I am quite certain that Kurt's neglect will be a factor in this story; it would be poor writing if Blaine had no reason for his behavior.
- Both characters were stagnating in this relationship. The writing for each as individuals will improve now.
- Conflict drives fiction. Happy relationships do not make for good stories.

I think it's going to be an amazing episode. See you tonight, kids! By the way... I will NOT be posting this particular recap at Gleeforum. It's going to be way too explosive and hurt feelings are going to run much, much too high to risk that. Folks who want to read the recap can come here. I swear it's better for that forum that I do this, at least this week.

For what it's worth, I know what it's like when your ship flounders. This has not really been my OTP for some time; that became Kurt + Happiness some months back. However, it's really painful for a hardcore shipper to see that iceberg coming. I had a fandom Titanic of my own one time. I am showing my age, but do you all remember these guys?

Similarities:

- This breakup also happened because of narrative stagnation.
- It also involved a loveable puppy dog character cheating on somebody because he felt neglected.
- The neglect involved was also work related - Rachel was too involved with work to go out with Ross.

I was in the Ross camp for this episode all those years ago, so I find the similarities a little stunning now; I am now in the Kurt camp, and I'm going to own that.

It does occur to me that this ship finally did come together, and they were endgame... but it took YEARS.

Glee Recap "Makeover"

2012-09-30T22:16:00.000-07:00

Glee Recap: Makeover

I am watching this is in open - mouthed shock. Folks.... I don't know quite how to say this, but.... I think they've actually been listening to us. They have actually heard the criticism that their continuity is poor and they are allowing huge plot holes, because so far... the writing this year has been TIGHT. And logical. At least by Glee standards. Something like an elementary level of craftsmanship has been added to the mix. Maybe the complete lack of Emmy nominations jolted somebody to their senses, I don't know. I've got a new drinking game. Every time a character makes mention of a past bit of illogical plotting, continuity failure, or some other such nonsense, DRINK!

We are going to be snookered pretty fast. You kids under 21, that's a diet Coke you've got there, right? Or at least, a Mountain Dew? OK then. Had to put on my mom hat for a second.

We begin as Mr. Bowtie himself struts eagerly down the halls of McKinley, a man on a mission. This is his year! "Last year was all about letting the Seniors shine" crows the kid who played Tony in West Side story while his Senior boyfriend got stuck with Officer Krupke. "But this year... it's your turn", he continues. And it's true. Blaine really didn't get much chance to shine last year at all. These are the only songs he got to sing on last year:

It's Not Unusual
Something's Coming
Last Friday Night
Tonight
One Hand, One Heart
Perfect
Control (This was in competition)
Man in the Mirror (This was in competition)
Extraordinary Merry Christmas
Wanna Be Startin' Something
Love Shack
Cough Syrup
I Believe I Can Fly (This was in competition)
Fighter
Hungry Like the Wolf/Rio
Somebody That I Used to Know
You Should Be Dancing
Night Fever
More Than a Woman
It's Not Right, But It's OK
and
Big Girls Don't Cry

Other than that, he didn't get nuffin compared to the Senior guys, especially Kurt and Puck. But he's making up for it now! He's a man with a mission to rule the world - hence his solo, "Everybody Wants to Rule the World" . And this time, he's not just going after Glee Club, no sir. He's on an epic mission in search of actual storylines, character development and a fully realized personality at last, so he's going to try out for EVERYTHING! The sewing club! I guess he was inspired by Kurt's wardrobe ). Superhero Sidekicks! (Ah, he will need those sewing skills! I see what you did there, Blaine!) And surely the most dapper Robin ever. Wait... he's a senior. Why does he want to be a sidekick? I thought the point was to get away from that?

Of course, there's a reason why he's doing this. He's filling a gap. In his locker we see a picture of him with his head on Kurt's shoulder. (This is the first time that's ever been seen on Glee, by the way.) We get a great visual image of Blaine watching TV, a bowl of popcorn in hand, sitting next to a laptop computer holding the image of Kurt. They are attempting to simulate a real date via Skype, to the point where Blaine is attempting to feed popcorn to a computer. Kurt even cooperates by eating popcorn. It's actually kind of a clever joke, and just a little bit sweet in its odd silliness. What, Glee is FUNNY this year? Oh, Emmy committee, thank you for the diss! It's done wonders!

Oh, this poor, lonely boy. He's even joined the D&D club. Ah, he's a mage. Yes, I can believe that. Lawful good, with illusionist as his main school.... uh, did I just reveal too much understanding of D&D? But there are entirely too many girls in that room.

Then... he hears the call of destiny. Senior. Class. President. He sees the poster. He signs his name. There's Brittany, attempting make history by becoming the first person ever to successfully run for reelection. She is shocked, shocked I say, to see that she's got competition.

Blaine is going to avenge Kurt's loss and restore order to the galaxy. Go get 'em, tiger.

Back in New York, Kurt is trying on every piece of clothing he owns frantically. That's a lotta clothes, people. He's got an interview with Vogue.com. He's got a snazzy new suit. He's got a new attitude, and he's got a brooch that looks like a hippo. He's ready to roll, baby! He's got an interview for an internship. What could possibly go wrong?

Oh, wait. The last time Kurt had a successful audition for anything, he was trying to become the kicker for a football team. That was his sophomore year. New question: what could possibly go right? Right? Wright? Ah, Isabella Wright, the Senior Editor of Vogue.com. She's a wonderful designer who never really intended to be a manager.

Uh, I get it. Way too well.

Everybody at Vogue.com is raving about the talent and vision of Isabella Wright just long enough to scare Kurt absolutely out of his wits at the time the bored secretary says he can go into the inner sanctum. He peeks gingerly into the office, and is greeted with a cheery word of welcome.

"Columbus!"

Huh? Uh.... Magellan?

Nope. They are both from Ohio, and they both got the hell out as fast as they could. Apparently, Isabella got food poisoning at some awful little faux Italian place in Lima... Bread... stixs? Yep, it made her sick. In New York City, the Italian restaurants have names like Babbo, Esca, L'impero and 'Cesca. They are run by Italian people who can cook. Breadstix is run by people who have a lot of breadsticks. No wonder she got a stomach ache.

Isabella is very impressed with his online resume - she ought to be, it was good enough to get him a NYADA audition, although we were never told why. She is especially impressed with his portfolio of really bizarre fashion choices. Well, I say bizarre. She thinks he's bold. That's why she's a fashion executive and I'm a blogger.

Kurt takes a few minutes to explain exactly how he manged to get all his clothes. He made most of them... boy, he's a really good tailor... and he searched the internet for bargains. And we just heard the writers address an immense plot hole that's had everybody going crazy for years. DRINK!

The embroidered calico vest was inspired by Kurt's desire to brown nose aggressively in order to get this job, which is his lifeline to not going back to McKinley. He modeled it on one of Isabella's designs - the one that failed most spectacularly. Thanks for bringing back the bad memories, kid. Now, onto the routine questions. This is a formality. You were hired the moment you walked in the door wearing a hippo brooch. Actually, you were hired the minute the writers realized they needed to figure out how to get Kurt to New York and keep him there without making him live under the bridge.

What were his fashion icons? I will take Audrey Hepburn for nostalgia, Michelle Obama for the present, and Isabella Wright for the shameless kissup factor. Yes, you were kissing up. Oh yes, you were.

Has he done any writing on fashion? Uh.... self journaling, a blog, and forum posts on Project Runway. Dear God, Kurt is one of us!

Where will he be in four years?

And now the writers lay out the map they intend for him, to show us that they do not actually intend for him to be living under a bridge, or serving coffee at the Lima Bean. He wants to work for Vogue.com for years and years! While finishing up at NYADA. And starring on Broadway. Isabella thinks even these nice-sized dreams are too small. He should write a children's novel and a screenplay starring himself while he's at it! She wants him to dream big and work hard and basically be Chris Colfer, although Chris went to LA instead.

He's on the team. She liked the hippo pin. And that is the first personal victory Kurt has had since he won the Cheerios National Championship way back in Season One.

Brittany comes bounding up to Artie in the hallways with a proposition - no, she's not going to sleep with him again, silly, she's into Santana now, at least until next week. She's done some very deep soul searching and she's come to accept some profound truths:

1. She doesn't get to be Senior Class President for Life, especially when she sucks at it so badly, and
2. She's actually completely unqualified for the job. She's George W. Bush, and she needs a puppet master, a Dick Cheney. Artie, can you help? Will you be her Vice President, a role that has not existed before?

Artie has a 4.0 GPA - I suspected this, but it's nice to hear it confirmed - and does not need this meaningless resume fodder. He also probably doesn't really want to hear anymore about Franklin D. Roosevelt being part robot. Brittany gets away with calling Artie a robot but she blows a gasket when somebody says she's stupid. Maybe insults are more objectionable when they are true. At any rate, what she really wants is to be the figurehead while Artie actually runs stuff. Artie considers this. He is hoping that his newfound power, should he get it, will enable him to have a relationship that lasts longer than a few weeks.

Wait? Huh? How short was his relationship with Tina? I thought that was fairly significant? Brittany has forgotten all about her time with Artie, as well as the fact that she took his virginity. Ah, but HE was the jerk in that relationship, right. At any rate they are now running mates!

Back in New York, Kurt is trying on every piece of clothing he owns frantically. That's a lotta clothes, people. He's got an interview with Vogue.com. He's got a snazzy new suit. He's got a new attitude, and he's got a brooch that looks like a hippo. He's ready to roll, baby! He's got an interview for an internship. What could possibly go wrong?

Oh, wait. The last time Kurt had a successful audition for anything, he was trying to become the kicker for a football team. That was his sophomore year. New question: what could possibly go right? Right? Wright? Ah, Isabella Wright, the Senior Editor of Vogue.com. She's a wonderful designer who never really intended to be a manager.

Uh, I get it. Way too well.

Everybody at Vogue.com is raving about the talent and vision of Isabella Wright just long enough to scare Kurt absolutely out of his wits at the time the bored secretary says he can go into the inner sanctum. He peeks gingerly into the office, and is greeted with a cheery word of welcome.

"Columbus!"

Huh? Uh.... Magellan?

Nope. They are both from Ohio, and they both got the hell out as fast as they could. Apparently, Isabella got food poisoning at some awful little faux Italian place in Lima... Bread... stixs? Yep, it made her sick. In New York City, the Italian restaurants have names like Babbo, Esca, L'impero and 'Cesca. They are run by Italian people who can cook. Breadstix is run by people who have a lot of breadsticks. No wonder she got a stomach ache.

Isabella is very impressed with his online resume - she ought to be, it was good enough to get him a NYADA audition, although we were never told why. She is especially impressed with his portfolio of really bizarre fashion choices. Well, I say bizarre. She thinks he's bold. That's why she's a fashion executive and I'm a blogger.

Kurt takes a few minutes to explain exactly how he manged to get all his clothes. He made most of them... boy, he's a really good tailor... and he searched the internet for bargains. And we just heard the writers address an immense plot hole that's had everybody going crazy for years. DRINK!

The embroidered calico vest was inspired by Kurt's desire to brown nose aggressively in order to get this job, which is his lifeline to not going back to McKinley. He modeled it on one of Isabella's designs - the one that failed most spectacularly. Thanks for bringing back the bad memories, kid. Now, onto the routine questions. This is a formality. You were hired the moment you walked in the door wearing a hippo brooch. Actually, you were hired the minute the writers realized they needed to figure out how to get Kurt to New York and keep him there without making him live under the bridge.

What were his fashion icons? I will take Audrey Hepburn for nostalgia, Michelle Obama for the present, and Isabella Wright for the shameless kissup factor. Yes, you were kissing up. Oh yes, you were.

Has he done any writing on fashion? Uh.... self journaling, a blog, and forum posts on Project Runway. Dear God, Kurt is one of us!

Where will he be in four years?

And now the writers lay out the map they intend for him, to show us that they do not actually intend for him to be living under a bridge, or serving coffee at the Lima Bean. He wants to work for Vogue.com for years and years! While finishing up at NYADA. And starring on Broadway. Isabella thinks even these nice-sized dreams are too small. He should write a children's novel and a screenplay starring himself while he's at it! She wants him to dream big and work hard and basically be Chris Colfer, although Chris went to LA instead.

He's on the team. She liked the hippo pin. And that is the first personal victory Kurt has had since he won the Cheerios National Championship way back in Season One.

Brittany comes bounding up to Artie in the hallways with a proposition - no, she's not going to sleep with him again, silly, she's into Santana now, at least until next week. She's done some very deep soul searching and she's come to accept some profound truths:

1. She doesn't get to be Senior Class President for Life, especially when she sucks at it so badly, and
2. She's actually completely unqualified for the job. She's George W. Bush, and she needs a puppet master, a Dick Cheney. Artie, can you help? Will you be her Vice President, a role that has not existed before?

Artie has a 4.0 GPA - I suspected this, but it's nice to hear it confirmed - and does not need this meaningless resume fodder. He also probably doesn't really want to hear anymore about Franklin D. Roosevelt being part robot. Brittany gets away with calling Artie a robot but she blows a gasket when somebody says she's stupid. Maybe insults are more objectionable when they are true. At any rate, what she really wants is to be the figurehead while Artie actually runs stuff. Artie considers this. He is hoping that his newfound power, should he get it, will enable him to have a relationship that lasts longer than a few weeks.

Wait? Huh? How short was his relationship with Tina? I thought that was fairly significant? Brittany has forgotten all about her time with Artie, as well as the fact that she took his virginity. Ah, but HE was the jerk in that relationship, right. At any rate they are now running mates!

Back in New York, Isabella is having a staff meeting to confront the great continuing crisis: leather. She wants them to pitch her some great ideas involving leather. Oh, Isabella, that's just not fair. Do you want them all to quit? Kurt, who fled Lima and his menial job serving coffee, is now in a New York office serving coffee as they pitch.

The first guy just babbles nonsense. Something about belts and chunky boots, now both obsolete. Daphne murmurs deeply about leather underwear. She's off her meds. Her ideas are sick... no, it's not a good thing.

Kurt looks like he's going to be sick. Isabella notices and gets very insecure. This meeting, now in session for about a minute, is going to recess for a break because they've all been working so hard. Isabella wants to see Kurt alone.

It occurs to me that Cassandra and Isabella are actually mirroring each other, with opposite effects. Cassandra is instantly hostile; Isabella unusually warm and accommodating. In each case, the relationship really begins to head down a firm path because one of our young Lima protagonists has a judgemental facial expression.

Alone in Isabella's office, Kurt has the freedom to speak honestly. He hates the leather ideas. So does Isabella, but she feels like she has to make the receptionist happy. The receptionist wants her to do an article about leather. Then her cat died, so Isabella feels obligated to do this story now.

She's also got to do a story about spanx for cankles. I had to look that up. It is not sexy. She can't say no to any of these awful projects. But she's afraid to fail in her current job because she just got a new apartment and she's going to lose her job and she'll be out on the street, homeless and... and... Obviously, Isabella is not really cut out to be a manager. She's a designer who has been hit with the Peter Principle. And the biggest reason we can tell this is that she's confiding in an 18 year old intern who was hired yesterday.

Kurt thinks she can scrap the leather and do something else. Maybe they could do a movie video that shows cutting edge fashion? Oh, and if she loses her job, she can come live with Rachel and Kurt in Bushwick!

Artie comes rolling up to Brittany with the latest news from Jacob. 90% of the respondents said they were planning on attending the debate; however, they are all coming to hear Brittany say something stupid. I am not sure why Artie felt the need to share that information.

However, now that he's made this blunder, he's ready to fix it. She's not stupid, except that she is. She's creative. (This is quite true.) She lives in a little universe where anything is possible, and they need to prepare carefully.

In the same hall, Blaine is afraid that picking Sam as a running mate is going to seem like a desperate grab for the straight vote. What, there's a gay Senior you could run with instead, Blaine? As far as I know, Unique is not a Senior, and she's kind of a girl, anyway, although definitely LGTB. He thinks Sam needs to look like a serious candidate. Sam is getting a makeover. There's a lot of that going on today.

In the classroom, Brittany and Artie are rehearsing. Brittany's refreshing honesty leads her to agree that she did nothing at all last year until Prom. Brittany's refreshing honesty is not helping her cause.

Sam thinks they can solve the problem of low test scores by stopping all tests.

Brittany's favorite color is Filipino.

OK, the mental challenge is not working well. Let's change clothes!

With that, we head into a rendition of "Makeover" that makes me quite certain they are overusing Heather Morris as a vocalist. And as... everything else, actually. Chord comes in on the second verse and sounds much better, even though this rock song is not his primary genre. Throughout this song Artie and Blaine work very hard at finding outfits that make their hapless running mates seem a bit more credible. Brittany has decided to appear smarter at her debate by wearing glasses.

A quick analysis of the two tickets.

One ticket features an idiot who was in deep depression only last week for abysmal grades, and a crafty mastermind, probably the brightest person on the show.

The other features a good kid of at least serviceable intellect and a slightly slow boy who has shown some rather remarkable personal skills and leadership ability at odd times.

In both cases, the top of the ticket is in an open gay relationship, so there is no advantage or disadvantage there. In one of these two tickets, the brighter and more capable person is actually running for President, although the best candidate of all is a puppetmaster Veep. Now, who ought to win this?

Actually, I think Artie should have run on his own.

Will thinks it's an honor to have been asked to run the Annual Show Choir Rules Committee, at least until he realizes what a drag these people are. One guy stalks the break room looking for gluten free snacks. He's being so testy I fear he's had donuts for breakfast. It's Dalton Rumba, the choir director for the deaf kids from Season One. Birdie, being more professional, wants to discuss redistricting, but as she drones, Will realizes that she is dull. He feels like this is all meaningless now. Dalton loses it after a few minutes of droning. His choir has lost their funding. That, not gluten, is why he's being such a jerk. Ask not for whom the bell tolls...

Birdie suggest that the show choirs need a representative on a government blue ribbon panel that's in charge of funding for the arts.... and a light bulb goes on in Will's head.

Back in New York, Rachel is consulting with her best gay fashion guru who works for Vogue. Two Mean Ballerina Girls made fun of her clothes in dance class. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Kurt thinks she needs to dress differently to feel differently. Styles in clothes determine the pecking order. Therefore, it's it's time to break into the top secret fashion vaults of Vogue at midnight without permission and steal her some new clothes. Kurt, did you LIKE your new job?

Of course, the hidden security cameras are capturing the image of them sneaking in at 12:34 a.m. Kurt is taking Rachel to... the vault. Top secret. Top security. Now breached. It can withstand a nuclear blast, but not the combined forces of Hummelberry. Rachel is stunned by all the clothes.

And then comes the moment when Kurt's life probably should have come crumbling down around his ears. "Freeze!" shouts Isabella, with two armed security guards. What are they doing here?! What is going on?! Who is THAT?!

Kurt: Franticbabblingmusicvideowhyareyouheremakeover.

And Kurt, who could not get anything good he wanted last year no matter how much he deserved it, now can't get in trouble no matter how much he deserves that, too. He had her at "Makeover"... and Isabella feels a song coming on. Actually, two songs coming on, mashed together. You see, she is really excited to change The Way You (Rachel) Look Tonight because You're Never Fully Dressed Without a Smile. With that, we have dispensed entirely with the idea that only people connected to music will be singing in this show. They have literally broken into song as part of a regular scene, and it's not a dream sequence.

At any rate, making a pretty girl look prettier is probably more fun than writing about leather. So, off they go. Isabella sings and hands Rachel outfits. Oddly, I notice that Rachel's primary problem is that her dance clothes are the subject of ridicule. Therefore, Kurt and Isabella are attempting to fix the problem by offering her evening gowns, including one white fluffy monstrosity that looks like a giant cotton ball which got attacked by a cat. Unfortunately, Kurt could not resist giving himself a makeover as well. He's changed into a suit of such epic ugliness it simply cannot be described. Maybe it's the air of blood-stained tweed. A perfectly nice tan suit - why is it covered in red and white crop circles? Yes, Kurt, please cover it up with that white jacket. They captured this all on film, of course, and that's Kurt's music video for cutting edge fashion.

He sends this top secret document to Blaine via Skype, and Blaine thinks it's genius. He's a little stunned at how professional and real and grown up it all is... Kurt's out in the real world now...The next step would be for Isabella to put the video on the website but... but...

But nothing. Blaine is very encouraging. Oh, and then Kurt and Rachel went to a swank restaurant Blaine can't visit and had amazing food in which Blaine can't share. Kurt is hanging out with a fashion icon in New York City and Blaine is running for Student Body President in Lima, Ohio.

The divide is getting larger, and the writers are handling this really, really well.

Kurt has gone into a flurry of self-absorption over his fantastic new life, and he forgot about Student Body President. Of course, he has personal reasons not to dwell on the concept of a Student Body election with Brittany as an opponent, and might not be all that enthusiastic even if he were working at a coffee shop. Still, it's all Blaine has to offer him as fodder for conversation, and it is what's important to Blaine, so... can we discuss bowties for the debate?

Ohwhateveryouwilllookgreatlet'stalkaboutmyvideosomemore.

Blaine looks very sad, Kurt's being very self-centered, and tumblr is scheduled to explode. Like I said, I have no criticism with the writing here. This is a very, very believable situation, and it may have been inevitable. Blaine also has a completely valid point in his disappointment.

Will pops in to talk to the school guidance counselor because he needs professional advice. He wants to make a difference, make things better. So... he's applied for this blue ribbon panel. If he gets the position, he's out of Lima for several months. Can I do this, mommy? Huh? Huh?

He'll be away from the kids, and presumably from Emma as well. Ah, now we have ANOTHER long distance relationship brewing. It's the new theme of the year. Emma thinks he needs to follow his dreams, just as he asks the kids to do. The wedding can wait. She's being sweet and supportive and lovely and pretty perfect about the whole thing.

So, now, it's time for the great debate. Although 90% of the poll respondents said they were coming to the debate, 80% of those were lying. The rest are sprinkled throughout the auditorium, waiting for Brittany to say something stupid. She will not disappoint.

Sam tells Blaine to lose the bowties, because it makes him look like Orville Redenbacher. This is accurate, and the best piece of fashion advice he's been given all year, KURT.

Sue would like to point out that....
- The Slate of candidates consists entirely of Glee Club members. DRINK!
- The "inexplicable introduction of a Vice - Presidential field for no discernible reason". DRINK!
(Actually, Sue, there was a pretty good reason. Brittany set the tone because she needs somebody to think for her.)

We begin with the Pimp and the Gimp, the vice presidential candidates. Sugar is looking oddly pleased and excited. Why? The plot thickens.

Sue wants Artie to tell her who gives a... um, who cares about student government? Who does? Artie Abrams does, that's who, and as the only person of the four who might actually qualify for Mensa, he begins to explain why... at length. Great length. Blahblahblahblahblah Ok, it's 2:30. Now, it's 3:00. Usually debate moderators set a time limit, Sue. Still, this kid should totally get the top job because he actually appears to care about it. He's actually the best candidate we've had both years.

Sugar approves. Interesting.

Sam? Uh.... I agree with my opponent.

Well, that's short, sweet, and like to pick up the Short Attention Span vote. Next question: Sam, aren't you ashamed of being a stripper?

Uh... no, not really. Hey, with abs like these, why should I be?! As Stripper Sam shows off his moves, I see the hashtag #notashamed. Actually, Sam may be a political genius who truly understands the motivations of the student body at McKinley.

Later, we have Bowtie-less Blaine. He's got a real advantage here: he's running against an incompetent incumbent, which doesn't normally happen in Class President elections. She got absolutely nothing done at all, and they rejected a very capable kid to give her this responsibility she shirked, and Blaine is the bowtie-less avenging angel. Oh, and she banned the use of hair gel. This means war. Now, it's personal. It's the beginning of tyranny. There will be book burnings. There will be people burning.

(No, I doubt Brittany will burn people, except verbally.)

Blaine is the Candidate of Change. OK, now he's Barack Obama. Funny, he doesn't look like he came from Kenya, although he might have come from Hawaii.

So, how will Brittany respond? She's going to give her audience what they wanted to hear. She's going to say something stupid. Unable to make a logical appeal, she's going to tug at people's hearts and appeal to their emotions with her great, great love of the school. That was a good idea, ARTIE. However, it's terribly executed, BRITTANY. Brittany loves McKinley so much she would like to outlaw summer vacation and weekends.

This girl is not fit for public office.

Back in New York, Isabella has very solemnly summoned Kurt into her office. She has something very serious and important to tell him. She looks like she's just come from a funeral. Kurt is alarmed. She asks him to take a seat as if the seat were an electric chair. He complies like the condemned.

She's... looked at his video. She... uh... sent it to her boss, Anna. She's.... gotten back a response. Oh. That fast. Kurt, the boy who has had a black cloud over his head for almost two years, braces himself for another disaster; is he fired?

No... not exactly. Anna has sent back a one word critique. Simple, to the point.

"Great!"

Apparently, that is Anna's highest accolade, and poor Isabella has never heard this from her before. So no, Kurt, you are not getting fired. In fact, to quote Burt Hummel last year... "You are unstoppable Kurt. They can never take this away from you. On this day, you won." Last year, it was not true. They were able to take it away from him, and they did, rather horribly and unforgivably. This year... he may get to keep his triumph. They are going to print it and frame it and.. completely reshoot it with a different actress, but... he gets the credit for this. It's like an update gay male version of the movie Working Girl. So, three years of struggling in Ohio arts - no recognition at all. Three weeks of struggling at high end New York fashion, and he's a star. Which one is more plausible?

Kurt basks in this moment of glory for .2 milliseconds, and then the attention goes back to Rachel, which is really about normal for Glee. He's very grateful to Isabella for
~~not throwing them both in jail~~giving Rachel new clothes and a new confidence. Her new image has changed everything for her. Yeah, that's more true than you know, sweetie. And then Isabella - or the writers - do something really interesting. They set up a crossroads, and they themselves may not yet know the result.

Kurt's plan is to go to NYADA, and that may yet happen, but Isabella hopes he doesn't do it. She wants him to stay with her at Vogue. She feels they are kindred spirits. He thinks she's his fairy godmother... uh, has Chris ever uttered those words before? She thinks he has an aptitude for fashion - which is a generous assessment, given that he's wearing a tailored shirt with a big wolf on it - and she envisions a future in which all of New York flock to wear his designs.

The writers aren't sure what they are going to do with Kurt now. They don't know if he's going to NYADA or not, and it might just all depend on our reaction.

The stoned secretary comes in, and Isabella tells her that they are scrapping the leather campaign. Kurt's inspired her to be a manager. They will be starting over, and now, Kurt will be joining them as a colleague rather than serving them coffee as a glorified barista.

Rachel is stretching alone in the dance studio wearing her sexy, trendy new clothes when Brody comes in to gawk, pant and lust. He thinks everything she does is incredible, and she's not discouraging him. Apparently, getting a makeover is a New York rite of passage, although Brody got his from seniors, not the senior editor of Vogue magazine. He thinks the makeover reveals outwardly how she feels about herself inside... It is indeed a New Rachel. She's been practicing a song called "A Change Will Do You Good" and asks him to sing it with her.

I am a little confused as to what we are to believe that she and Brody are actually doing. Are they really singing it? Well, Lea and Dean are, but Rachel and Brody are dancing. Then they are dirty dancing, with an emphasis on dirty. Then they are running all over New York, and it's a music video. Then they get a nice old codger to take pictures of them and they are totally behaving like a couple. Then we have some more really dirty dancing. Then they turn up the heat with some really cool ice cream and some really sizzling eye contact. And they are holding hands and sharing a newspaper, and dancing so dirty I swear Rachel's going to get pregnant, and then they two centimeters from a kiss.

Uh, Brody? Would you like me to make you dinner?

Finn who?

o now let's jump back to McKinley, where Principal Sue is getting ready to announce the obvious - the winner of the Class President election. Becky is giving an enthusiastic xylophone flourish, until Sue slaps her hands down. The winner is...

Wait? What? They did this in one episode? I've had summer college semesters that didn't last as long as the Class President race last year. You mean they gave this fairly unimportant little plot point the amount of time it deserved for the amount of significance it has? What have these writers been NOT smoking? When did this show become funny and coherent again?!

Oh, wait. That's right. Sue was about to announce the results. Becky is unwilling to do the xylophone again after the last smackdown, so we get the result.

Sanity has been restored. Somebody is finally holding Brittany accountable for her incompetence, and Blaine is now Senior Class President. There is confetti! There are congratulations! Artie does not want to be in Blaine's cabinet, because he's gotten what he wanted. Sugar, now freed from the magical spell of the Irish Leprechaun gone home without a single word of explanation, is ready to date a man with power. Of course, since Artie lost the election, he does not actually have any power unless he directs another musical. But it will be nice while it lasts. Sugar wants to take him horseback riding. I think it might be very interesting to see how they are going to make that work; he may indeed be towed. So that's Artie's love life. What about Blaine's?

Oh. Yeah. Kurt. Um. Kurt... yeah he's wonderfully supportive and he's going to throw Blaine an inaugural ball. Well, no, actually, he's schmoozing with the poshest people in New York City and ignoring his phone completely.

Like I said before, I can see why Kurt might be a little disinclined to spend much time thinking about Class President at McKinley because of how badly he got burned last year; however, it's clear that Ian has not considered this. In the scenes that Ian shows us, Kurt's just too busy being a rather stunningly successful adult to care about high school politics.

On tumblr and on twitter, Chris Colfer is suddenly swarmed with abusive messages about what a terrible person and boyfriend Kurt is. Seriously. I swear I read a whole conversation about it. Murphy even got involved. Now, I am not going to defend Kurt overlong for some fairly selfish behavior but... SERIOUSLY???????

Blaine's got the same problem Brittany does: an electronic device that says the desired contact is unavailable. As he brood on this, Sam comes up to celebrate, and gets an earful of angst. Blaine's just figured out something that had the Klainers all in hysterics fifteen seconds after they learned he was a junior. He came to McKinley for Kurt, and now Kurt is gone, and he's stuck at McKinley. Alone. He thinks it's all meaningless.

Well, that just blew Sam's victory buzz, so he's got to make it all better somehow, and the way he chooses makes me growl a little. See, it's not all for nothing. (OK). Blaine is the school's first gay Class President. (Because Brittany is bi? Or because girls don't count?) Ah. I get it. He values Blaine because Blaine is his first gay bro. See, Kurt was great... but he could not relate to Kurt, the boy who brought him clothing and kept his secret when Sam was homeless.

Even when he's out of Lima, Kurt's still being weighed in the balance against Blaine and found wanting for being too effeminate. That was completely unnecessary, and it's way past overdone now. They really need to stop this. All Sam really needed to do was trumpet the fact that Blaine has advanced civil rights a little further in McKinley, and that Sam is proud to be his running mate... and his friend. This could be entirely about Blaine. They can still be Wolverine and Cyclops, and they can still both want to be Wolverine. And they can still be bros without taking yet another opportunity to slam Kurt. In fact... Glee writers, I've a challenge for you. Once you do what you are about to do, I challenge you to write some substantive stories for Blaine that have nothing to do with Kurt at all. Don't use him as a prop, don't use him as a jukebox, don't use him as a weapon. Use him as a character, like you did here for most of the episode.

Brittany now slides up to Sam and congratulates him for his win. Sam has a secret... he voted for her... Sam is smitten, I think. Brittany, who never thinks about anybody except herself, did not vote for him, of course. See, she ran for President because she wanted to, and Sam ran for Vice - President because Brittany wanted him to. Sam cheers her up by telling her that Al Gore lost an election and settled for an Oscar instead. Then they cuddle, because all the romances on Glee are beginning to quiver, and they are both dumb blondes. Poor Sam. He just can't seem to keep a good woman. Somehow I can't think this will end well.

And now we have what may be the weirdest change in a personal dynamic in the history of Glee, come to full fruition. Will has a dream. He wants to pursue some new goals as a choir director. He wants to find a new way to make a difference. But here's the deal... in order to complete this process, he has to get a personal recommendation from a colleague. He need to get a fellow teacher to wax poetic about how great he is. So who is he going to go to? Probably, he should go to his boss, Figgins. Oh, wait. Figgins is both an idiot and absent. Emma's probably not appropriate, given that she's scheduled to marry him and all, so... who will he call?

Beiste, right? Hey, she's his friend, she's got a great reputation, and I bet the Blue Ribbon panel never finds about that one pity kiss. What... no?

Uh, well, what about that new Spanish teacher who looks and sounds so much like Ricky Martin? He owes Will, right? Wait, he's not going to that guy, either?

Look, we've already determined that Will has no adult friends, so who on earth could he appeal to?

You have got to be kidding.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have just entered the Twilight Zone. But then, last season Quinn was ready to be a bridesmaid for Rachel as she married Finn, so weird stuff happens here.

For that matter, Kurt and Rachel are best friends in New York together. Remember when THAT was a ridiculous idea?

So Glee is a place where the most unlikely friendships are commonplace, and... yes. Yep, Will is going in to see Sue. For a job recommendation. And he's going to get it for sincere reasons.

Not only is Sue not surprised by this request,, she's prepared for it. She's got a letter of recommendation all ready to go. Of course, it says he's a descendant of Harriet Tubman and he delivered Sue's baby with his bare hands - I'd hate to see Sue in labor without an epidural. Are we sure she's not sabotaging him? Apparently not. She really does want him out of McKinley. And for the first time, she says it with love. But Sue, what about YOUR stagnation?

So here's Rachel in the kitchen attempting to cook even though Kurt is not there. See, we've actually seen Kurt in cooking class. She's chopping, she's turning on electrical devices, she's... setting fire to her apartment. That flameup was so fast I wonder if kerosene was involved. Then she's attempting to put out the flame with random alcohol, which shouldn't work and then suddenly does, because they don't really want this story to be about how Kurt and Rachel are homeless. Of course, the moment her meal is left in a hulking mess of ash, alcohol and... duck... DUCK???? Brody shows up. With flowers, of course.

He says she's smokin'. He means her dress. She means the burnt duck. Yes, Little Miss Vegan was making poultry. Must be part of the new Rachel. They settle for pizza. If they went for the Vegetarian Special, she could even avoid meat.

Maybe she's trying duck because she's trying new things. It's part of the new Rachel. She's not used to this new type... she normally just annoys a guy for a year until he gives in, as we have seen ourselves, painfully. Rachel confides that she performed a grammar check on her very first love letter. Brody liked Ace of Base. Ooh, that's embarrassing. And with this, "Moon River" begins to play in the background, and Andy Williams promptly dies. I really wish I was kidding. This is getting scary. There was a time when rumors floated around that Paul McCartney was interested in being on Glee, and I was excited, happy, and all in favor of it. Now... uh, no. RUN, SIR PAUL, RUN! You've got some good years left, chap! Don't die because of this show's freaky curse!

Madonna should count her lucky stars, and Britney... has probably already contacted a lawyer, and I don't blame her. But I digress.

Let's get back to the part where Rachel is basically on a date with a hot guy who says he's hands off. What he really means is that he's hands off, but not lips off. He's totally lips on, and after a second, so is Rachel, and then they are hands on, and then they are lying down, and then... there's a knock at the door.

Oh, fudge. Best Gay forgot his key, right. Gee Hummel, you sure know how to interrupt... uh oh.

It's not Kurt. Right family, wrong brother.

Hi, Finn, standing in the doorway, come to claim his girl at last. God, Cory does great work here. A moment of excited joy, a moment of shock as Brody jumps up, a moment of realization, a moment of despair.

You see, Finn, you put Rachel on a train to New York when she thought you were going to marry her and you told her she was free so she thought she was and she pined for you forever and you never called but then she met this new guy, Brody, and he's hot and kind and totally there for her and you've been missing and now they're kissing, and next week's episode is called The Breakup...

And that's what YOU missed on Glee.

Glee Spoiler Roundup: The Breakup!

2012-09-27T22:47:00.000-07:00

If you followed a link to get here, go to The Biggest Spoiler for the latest Klaine scoop.

Glee's about to go on hiatus again, if you can believe it, but not before they leave us with a huge sucker punch.

Or two.

Maybe even four.

Somebody is going to break up. Here's the spoiler roundup from different sources around the internet. And folks - this is a spoiler column. There's one spoiler about Finn that hasn't made all the rounds yet. Don't read on unless you want to know why he's not in the army.

Exclusive: Glee exec on Season 4's Big "Breakup" Episode: It's like Titanic: Not All Will Make It!"
Brad Falchuk: I'm not going to say who breaks up and who doesn't, but they all - Santana/Brittany, Kurt/Blaine, Will/Emma, Rachel/Finn - get kicked in the nuts. And it's all about how do they recover - and can they recover? And some don't. Absolutely some don't. Of those couples, not all of them are going to make it. It's like the Titanic.

A synopsis from the Futon Critic:

Rachel and Kurt are caught off-guard when they get unexpected visits in New York City. Meanwhile, Santana and Brittany deal with the long distance between them, and Will and Emma disagree on a new job offer in the all-new "The Break Up" episode of GLEE airing Thursday, Oct. 4 (9:00-10:00 PM ET/PT) on FOX. (GLE-404) (TV-14 D, L)

Here's another from Glee Zone on Tumblr:
Finn feels like a fish out of water when he gets his first taste of the Big Apple. As he observes Rachel’s life at NYADA, he questions his place in it. With Kurt’s fashion career occupying all his time, Blaine grows increasingly frustrated and decides to take matters into his own hands. Santana worries that Brittany is falling in with the wrong crowd. Will gets some good news, but Emma’s less-than-enthusiastic reaction leaves him disheartened. One gleek risks humiliation and takes a stand to protect another. Several couples reunite and make decisions about their futures.

One breakup is absolutely certain. Finchel is done - for now, at least. This is the report from TVLine:
"Rachel's not innocent anymore," previews executive producer Brad Falchuk of Lea Michele's college freshman. She's now not coming from a place where she met Finn, where she was like this totally insecure, annoying little girl" he says. "Now she's a woman and she's been through a lot and she's achieved a lot. So she approaches boys differently with a different kind of confidence and a different kind of maturity."

And a different kind of guy, apparently. Kurt and Blaine will also have a crisis moment. From Mjsbigblog:

I can’t [confirm that Klaine break up]. But I can confirm that they will hit a major rough patch in the Sept. 13 opener. “The real first obstacle for them is that Kurt is still in Lima and it’s kind of depressing,” explains Glee co-creator Brad Falchuk. “Kurt is a little bit stuck in his old life and Blaine really pushes him to go to New York.” Of course, Kurt’s move to the Big Apple paves the way for Speed Bump No. 2. “The distance [causes strain],” concedes the EP. “Kurt finds new things that excite him. The minutia of high school life is not quite as compelling to him, and that’s hard for Blaine. He can’t lean on Kurt the way he would have the year before. And I think it’s also strange for Blaine to be in this school that he came to really only for Kurt. He didn’t come because he wanted to go into public high school. So now he has to find his place [at McKinley] not as Kurt’s boyfriend.”

And this scrap of paper reveals some of the scenes coming up - including one absolutely shocking flashback.

Here are the songs for the episode:

Blaine reprises "Teenage Dream" for Kurt... one last time?

Rachel and Brody duet on "Don't Give Your Heart a Break" at a piano bar. Finn and Klaine are in attendance.

“Rachel’s not innocent anymore,” previews executive producer Brad Falchuk of Lea Michele’s college freshman. “It’s nice to write her a little stronger.” Helping to bring Rachel out of her shell will be her determined new suitor Brody (played by Dean Geyer). “She’s now not coming from a place when she met Finn, where she was like this totally insecure, annoying little girl,” he says. “Now she’s a woman and she’s been through a lot and she’s achieved a lot. So she approaches boys differently, with a different kind of confidence and a different kind of maturity. There’s not as much, ‘Don’t mention sex.’” RELATED | Kurt and Blaine’s First (and Second) Obstacle Revealed Regarding the new guy her in life, Falchuk notes that he’s “so different” from Finn. “He has the same kind of kindness and sweetness, but he’s a very different kind of person,” he says. “It’s great to write Rachel with somebody different.” Where does all this leave ‘Finchel,’ who ended the season essentially broken up? The EP says the split “will stick” — for now at least. “I want Rachel and Finn to have a happy ending,” he insists. “I think the idea is that maybe they end up together, but a lot can change. As we write we might discover something interesting. It’s definitely not going to get better anytime soon for those two.”

Read More at: http://tvline.com/2012/08/23/glee-season-4-spoilers-rachel-finn/#utm_source=copypaste&utm_campaign=refer

Twitter is already buzzing with feedback from people who have seen the episode.


	KalanaFalana Just watched #glee "The Break Up" episode and it's so good and SO emotional. Lots of twists. Have tissues ready. 8 hours ago from web


	maskedscheduler Wow #GLEE has really grown up this year. Next week's episode "The Break Up" is excellent. Tonight's episode is not too shabby either. 12 hours ago from web
William Keck ‏@KecksExclusives @Brookeroxsox1 #glee is casting a Drill Sergeant for Finn in episode four so we'll be seeing his life in boot camp @CoryMonteith William Keck ‏@KecksExclusives @Brookeroxsox1 @msleamichele told me something happens later on that will shock. Maybe he loses a leg in combat. #glee meets #GreysAnatomy And then things get even worse! Brad says that relationships will be less of a focus in the upcoming season. He says, “I personally think a lot of these characters are more interesting not in relationships. And I think with a lot of them, we will be exploring that.” Call me crazy, but I agree with Brad. I think all of these characters are beginning to stagnate with their current pairings. I think Rachel has always been too big for Finn, and she needs to be able to grow now. Finn needs to figure out what he wants for himself. Santana needs to find a partner that is smarter than a toddler and able to act her way out of a wet paper bag. And Klaine? Blaine's been written as both bland and perfect. He both overshadows Kurt by being the "perfect" gay guy, while also being defined solely and only as Kurt's boyfriend. Kurt needs to prove his worth as something other than Blaine's boyfriend, and Blaine needs to develop a storyline and personality that is not solely tied to being Kurt's boyfriend. A lot of people are dreading next week. Me? I can't wait. I've been waiting for this to happen for months. If they break the chains that bind ALL these characters, they will have a much bigger host of stories that become possible to tell, in both New York and in Lima.

. “I’m not going to say who breaks up and who doesn’t, but they all — Santana/Brittany, Kurt/Blaine, Will/Emma, Rachel/Finn — get kicked in the nuts. And it’s all about how do they recover — and can they recover? And some don’t. Absolutely some don’t. Of those couples, not all of them are going to make it. It’s like Titanic.”

Read More at: http://tvline.com/2012/08/16/glee-season-4-episode-4-the-breakup-spoilers/#utm_source=copypaste&utm_campaign=referral

Exclusive: Glee Exec on Season 4′s Big 'Breakup' Episode: 'It's Like Titanic – Not All Will Make It' Get More: Exclusive, Fall TV Preview, Spoilers

Read More at: http://tvline.com/2012/08/16/glee-season-4-episode-4-the-breakup-spoilers/#utm_source=copypaste&utm_campaign=referral

Exclusive: Glee Exec on Season 4′s Big 'Breakup' Episode: 'It's Like Titanic – Not All Will Make It'

Read More at: http://tvline.com/2012/08/16/glee-season-4-episode-4-the-breakup-spoilers/#utm_source=copypaste&utm_campaign=referral

Britney 2.0 Glee Episode Recap

2012-09-24T06:10:00.001-07:00

Britney 2.0 Glee Episode Recap

Ah, I knew it was the year of the 2.0s! Last week we met Rachel 2.0 and Puck 2.0 and Quinn 2.0 and now the 2.0ism is so pronounced they are putting it in the titles of stuff! It's Britney 2.0 (bitch, also 2.0) and I think I am officially on Britney overload.

I was never that big a fan. At the height of her fame, I wrote these lyrics for one of the songs we'll be listening to later:

Oops, I did it again
I sang the same song
With different words.
Oooh baby baby
Oops, how long can I go
Before they know
I'm not that talented

Britney is not, and Brittany's actress isn't, either. One of the great ironic twists of this episode is that in order for the story to work, they had to shut down the opportunity for Heather to do the one thing at which she is genuinely extraordinarily gifted.

As the bell rings, Brittany is floating down the halls, as is the most common form of transportation when somebody has a voiceover. She speaks as flatly and dully as ever as she informs us she's on top of the world. She's got the High Ponytail of the Head Cheerleader, the imaginary position of Vice-Rachel, and a fiendish plot to become Class President for life. She's also got us, her imaginary friends, and she has crashed down the fourth wall to bring us into Lima with her, because she can see us, and Blaine can't. He's looking pretty freaked out, actually.

OK, Brittany, honey, I will be your friend. Here, have some ice cream. How have you been?

Oh, Claire, I've had a rough summer. I miss Santana. Wait, what do you mean you aren't a big fan of Britney Spears? You can stuff your ice cream, because it's Britney, Bitch! Again! Because we've already covered every other artist in the world that deserves a tribute episode and now we have to start over! Next week: Madonna.

With that, we go to a Cheerios practice. I see that Kitty is already looking a bit predatory around Brittany's authority. She wants the high ponytail. The song is "Hold it Against Me" and Heather's allowed to dance full out the way she does it best for this one. As for her singing, well... autotune makes everything in tune, and they used a lot of it. It's a really fun and enjoyable number, and it showcases Heather Morris very well, even if Sue thinks it's garbage. Sue, you are having a mood swing. Go coo at Robin for a bit. However... I don't think it's the dance number that's really bothering Sue.

Sue has invited Brittany S. Pierce, aka Head Cheerleader, aka Senior Class President (again) in for some jaw-droppingly tardy tough love. Somebody somewhere has finally discovered that Brittany's grades suck.

Becky Jackson is capable of C+ on an algebra test, which I agree is a little impressive; more importantly, I am happy to hear that she's still here. On the same test, Brittney has scored an F-. The teacher has marked her down for either creativity or being a smart - ass. Brittney's latest creation? Happyville: the place where math was never invented. Such a sweet place, Happyville, featuring all the people Brittany loves best. She has Kurt and Rachel together - no sign of Finn or Blaine. Heh. And there's a sour old blonde holding a beautiful beaming baby.

Sue has decided that Brittany is a terrible role model for the Cheerios. In the five minutes since Brittany was declared Head Cheerleader, the Cheerio grade point average has slid three points, and for some reason, lack of academic vigor has led to bouts with rodent bestiality. Sue, who has always been a wonderful role model in eveything she does, would know best. Sue was too dazed by her pregnancy to act on this last year - (nice save, writers, I see what you did there) but now, the real Head Cheerio is about to take drastic action.

There are, even in fictional Ohio, some academic standards necessary to participate in extra-curricular activities, and Sue is citing them.

Brittany is off the Cheerios.

Brittany, who can't answer a single question on a math test, owns a laptop, knows how to use it, and has successfully set herself up to Skype. This girl has selective intelligence. Maybe Artie did it for her.

The person on the other computer is Santana, who is very sorry that Sue
~~was so mean to Brittany~~finally made Brittany be accountable for her behavior. (By Sue standards, her behavior was calm, rational, fair, and professional.) Brittany wants to scissor skype - I really wish they'd stop putting these visual images into my head - but Santana can't. She's got a life.

The tango! According to Cassandra, it's an essential part of any dancer's repertoire. They've got to have it - except for Rachel. Cassandra has decided that Rachel does not get to learn the tango, because there are too many girls in the class so one has to sit out. Rachel, thanks for paying for her loft in Soho. (If the tango is really that important, I wonder if the Berrys have grounds for a lawsuit. Cassandra is actively singling Rachel out NOT to get the training for which she has paid good money.) Cassandra's reasoning is that the tango is all about sex appeal, and Rachel doesn't have any. Is there anybody here who would like to argue with that?

Brittany appears in Emma's office looking like hell, and I see the first very strong indication that she's not nearly so much stupid as she is very, very manipulative. Brittany went home after being kicked off the Cheerios. At the time, she was still wearing her cheerleading outfit, and she still had it on when she skyped with Santana. Therefore, she has been home, presumably within range of her closet, since she got kicked out, and we all know from past episodes that she's got regular clothes.

However, as she steps into Emma's office, she's wearing jeans that are too big for her, those awful croc things I hate so much, and a t-shirt that reads "World's Best Grandma." She knows she looks awful, fully anticipates that Will and Emma will be alarmed, and tells them that she dug this shocking outfit out of the lost and found. She is sending a very clear message: "Feel sorry for me." It's deliberate. I am going to guess that she borrowed her own grandmother's clothes to pull this off.

Her first question, as she sits, is "Am I getting kicked off the Glee Club too?" Yep. She's afraid Will read the same handbook Sue did about GPA needed to participate in extra-curricular activities, and she's come up with this strategy to get them to have mercy on her. Britt, you need not have worried. Will only throws you off the Glee Club if you set fire to a purple piano. Emma thinks that Brittany might be feeling a little bit blue, and kindly offers her a pamphlet entitled "So you look like crap" to comfort her. Will thinks that a daily diet of meaningful talks with Emma and her comforting pamphlets will make Brittany feel better. Brittany doubts this. Her money is on the healing power of cashews and bacon. Her voiceover continues down the hallway in this alternative universe where the characters actually know they are in a television show, and Will and Emma confer. Brittany has lost everything - the Cheerios, Santana.... clearly, what she really needs is to be the center of attention.

Which, of course, is what she really wanted. Well played, Brit. Stupid, my ass.

Will bursts into the choir with big news - Principal Figgins wants the Glee Club to perform at the big pep rally next week. And of course, this performance is the perfect opportunity to give Brittany therapy in the form of extra attention and encouragement, which means we will be doing Britney. Because apparently, Britney = Brittany, and you can't showcase one without the other. Britney inspires Brittany to do her best work - see also "Slave 4 You", which was pretty hot. This means that everybody in the Glee club has to perform a song by Britney Spears. (It's really amazing how Rachel was inspired to participate in this theme even though she's hundreds of miles away going to an entirely different school. ) And, since the whole thing is really about showcasing Brittany and making her feel special, that clearly means it's time for a performance by Blaine. (Because, after all, everything is a reason for a weekly performance by Blaine.) Artie will be joining him as they perform a mashup of "Boys" and "Boyfriend" and I see a rather interesting little drama here. After all, Artie and Brittany used to be intimate, and now he's trying to get her out of a funk with a song about being somebody's boyfriend. Blaine is a little in the way of what might be an interesting undercurrent about that old relationship. Instead, it's more I-tunes fodder. I still look at Artie's face and wonder if the song is going a little deeper for him than it is for Blaine.

Brittany is inspired by the awesomeness of Brittany. Unfortunately, Brittany's best performances and her best persona are not really what's being showcased this episode. I am not sure how I feel about that.

So... let's go back to a version of New York City that can only take place in the lala land of television. Rachel is shrieking "This place is enormous!" as she rides her bicycle around the warehouse sized space that appears to be her new home with Kurt. OK.

New York City.
Two starving young adults, one a college student.
Living in a place the size of a warehouse.

I want to meet their real estate agent. I also want to see the inspection report on this home of theirs. Kurt, who is also riding his bicycle, informs us that they are paying $1800 a month. I have to wonder where they got the money for this, since Rachel's a full-time student and Kurt is unemployed. Of course, it's kind of ugly and run - down, although shockingly clean for being in disrepair. I hope it does not have termites.

They ride around for awhile and then sit on the floor. I see that while they have $1800 for this barn, they do not have any money for furniture. They have ordered pizza and Kurt is enjoying a nice glass of legal wine. No, Rachel, Kurt still has not heard from Finn. Maybe he's just not that into you, sweetie. Move on. Kurt has heard about the Britney 2.0 project, but does not wish to get too nostalgic about a theme that got him sent to the principals office with no solo for his over enthusiasm. He would rather discuss his future, since America's been wondering about that all summer since every single one of his fellow classmates got to make plans except him. Brad is making amends for this now.

Yes, yes, Kurtsies. Kurt has plans. Now, pipe the hell down. Here they are. He's going to reaudition for the winter semester of NYADA, and he still isn't going to apply to any safety schools because he's being really, really thick about this. In the meantime, he's going to apply for a job with Vogue.com because he helped Sue sing about it once. Kurt is now glad he did not get into NYADA the first time he applied because now he's learned resilience, which he's never, ever had before. Not ever. Nope. He's never been handed whole seasons full of crap to endure and overcome until now. He didn't learn resilience from the death of his mother, from being thrown in dumpsters on a daily basis, from David Karofsky bullying him and kissing him, from the death threat, from being made Prom Queen, from losing absolutely everything he tried out for in his senior year... but he learned it from NYADA. OK, Brad, now it's canon that Kurt's happy that he had all this adversity in his life and therefore, you are supposed to be off the hook. I see what you did there.

Rachel would like a slice of resiliency, please. Her dance teacher, Cassandra, won't let up on her...

Uh, wait. Kurt somehow knows a Broadway story Rachel missed. Now, Kurt's been in New York a week, and Rachel's been here since the beginning of the semester, but he knows more about her infamous dance teacher than she does, which I find hard to believe. No way this story did not rip up and down the halls of NYADA.

It appears that Cassie July was headed for big stardom ten years ago, landing the lead role in Damned Yankees. Unfortunately, she heard a cell phone in the audience and began screaming at the poor little man who owned the thing to turn it off. When she went after him with baseball bat... I think she scored at least a double, unless the cell phone turned out to be a foul ball...her career was over.

Wasn't there an anecdote about Carmen Thibodeux refusing to sing until somebody turned their cell phone off? What is it with these NYADA professors and their aversion to cell phones? Should they start a Cell Phones Anonymous chapter for performers who tanked their careers by flipping out over somebody's ring tone?

At any rate, Kurt thinks Rachel ought to try to be sexy for Cassandra. Listen to his advice, Rachel, but take care. He might try to give you a makeover again.

Mercedes 2.0, also known as Unique, has decided that she wants to be best friends with Rachel 2.0, also known as Marley. This means she wants to know all the juicy gossip about who Marley's got her eye on... but when Marley tells her the answer, Unique is not impressed. Marley likes Jake, but Unique can see that he's a bad seed - a womanizer. And probably not a womanizer who might make a pass at Unique.

Cue the next song: Womanizer. As Unique prances down the hall singing this anthem, we see exactly what she's singing about. First Jake's flirting with Tina, then he's doing a little research on a young redhead in the library, and as the Glee Club girls shuttle by with a cartful of books and stern, appalled, jealous looks, he dumps the ginger and goes running after Kitty. The outraged girls stalk this new couple into the art class, and by the time Jake's paper mache' volcano has erupted they've got every girl in the class in a militant line of outrage. Jake hits on two more girls in the stairwell and then sits in on the girl's PE class, I suppose so he can watch their ahas wiggle as they do their dance routine. Marley catches him in a noose... no, I guess that's a dream sequence, because he's unbound.

"We should hang out sometime" he says, for probably the tenth time that day. Marley nods assent, but Unique does not approve. I see with some approving wryness that Unique has indeed been allowed to enroll in the girl's gym class. Maybe there's hope for this campus after all.

While Unique is a girl on the inside, I do have to wonder if Wade the boy ever got to listen to boy's accounts of their exploits with girls. Might this be how Unique got the inside information to make her assessment about Jake? It might be kind of interesting to be the kind of person who has one foot in the realm of each gender... a person who can hear the secrets of the boys and warn her best girlfriends about them, a sort of dating Mata Hari.

Brody's doing a few situps in the park when Rachel approaches him with a plan. Would he be her dance partner for class so that she can show her female dance teacher how sexy she is? Well, it would make Cassandra extremely upset if he did this, so of course it's a great idea and Brody is in. He's also hoping to be in Rachel's pants before too much longer, because he does not agree with Cassandra about Rachel's sex appeal.

The scene change goes immediately into a nifty acoustic rendering of "Three" back at the choir room, done by Joe, Tina, and Sam. I will say one thing for the cast shakeup on Glee: by removing the stranglehold a handful of people had on all the songs last year, Glee has certainly become more musically interesting, and we are seeing some refreshing combos that would never have seen the light of day before. Heck, Jenna was featured on two songs in one episode! This is delightful, and the only person who does not seem to love the sweet harmonies going on is stone-faced Brittany. While these three are still singing - and really, it's for her benefit - Brittany gets up without warning and plugs a razor into the outlet... which she then puts to her scalp.

Amid alarmed cries, she declares, "If I can't have my pony, I don't want any hair at all." Now, that is a cry for help... and it's oddly familiar. I think I've seen this happen before... um...

Oh.

Uh.... this isn't that funny. folks.

Jacob ben Israel takes the role of annoying, soulless paparazzi harassing Brittany and badgering her to find out what's going through her head (for the amusement of the mass media.) Britany physically attacks him. I have to say there's a small slice of "Well, it's about time THAT happened. Good for you, Brit! Oh, wait, Zero Tolerance Policy. Right. Still. Good for you, Brit. This is a little funny. Tina is right. He deserves it.

Artie, Blaine and Tina are watching this with concern, wondering if they should interfere. Since Santana got threatened with suspension for slapping Finn a single time under the Zero Tolerance Policy, I wonder if she's going to get suspended, but since continuity might get in the way of the narrative here, probably not. Blaine utters the words "Brittany's downward spiral" and I sigh a little as he telegraphs which direction this story is going.

I am no Britney Spears fan, but I am a little uncomfortable with a "tribute" episode that not only mentions her troubled patch, but exploits it at length for humor. It was very sad and very serious and it wasn't that long ago. This goes beyond making a few random jokes about her.

Jake cooly whisks past this mayhem on a scooter. A scooter? In the hallways? Will won't break up the fight (probably because Jacob deserves it) but he'll stop that scooter dead in its tracks.i

Jake does not want to go to physiology. They are dissecting pigs. He is a good jewish boy that I had better never see eating a hot dog.

Actually, Jake does not want to go to any of his classes, although if he's not going to class I am not sure why he's scootering through the halls of McKinley. Of course, Jake's truancy is not Will's real concern; he has decided he needs to save Jake through the magical healing powers of Glee Club, just like he did Puck. Ah, yes, Jake = Puck. 2.0.

Jake tells Will he does not need friends, but he's headed to the bleachers for a little private tutoring in love lessons with Marley. She's got her own Save Jake campaign going on. She thinks he's built walls with his attitude and his clothes and his hair...

His hair? What's radical about his very respectable hair?

Marley tries to win Jake over by opening her soul to him; he calls Will "Shyster" - that's clever, it could stick- and sneers at the Theme of the Week. That doesn't keep him from dueting with her on "You Drive Me Crazy", however. Jake may think Britney's songs do not need instruments, but he knows all the chords to this song and can play while walking up and down the bleachers. OK, so he DOES like to sing, he DOES have at least one Britney Spears song memorized (both the vocal and the guitar chords) and he does need at least one friend. He's into Marley at this particular moment, and she's into him. We christen the new ship Jarley as he slips his jacket around her shoulders against a sudden chill. They are turning up the heat.

The Glee club have arranged an intervention between themselves, Brittany, and her new electronic best friend and advisor, Kiki. They want to give her the lead solo at the pep rally on Friday; wait.... these kids are all voluntarily handing a solo over to somebody who hasn't even asked for it? Clearly, this is very serious. Is she dying?

She's certainly cheating. Brittany feels that she has to lipsync. She's been screaming at her garden and her voice is now too weak to sing live. Blaine protests that they don't lipsync on Glee, and I think back to a few rumors I heard about the Glee Live tour a year and two ago... hmmm.

Brittany's plan is to record the song in advance, and then she will choreograph a dance routine for the performance. Of course, one of the many flaws in this plan is that if Brittany's voice is too weak to sing because she's been screaming at her shrubbery, she probably can't record a version worth listening to, either. "Lots of people do this now" she says. She does not finish with the words "including us."

Kiki approves of the plan. The Glee Club is less sure.

Back in Manhattan, Rachel is ready to be a sex goddess. She wants to show Cassandra her sexy side, and interestingly enough, Cassandra allows it with no argument at all. The song is Britney Spear's "Oops, I did it again", but the arrangement reminds me very, very much of the "Take off with us" segment from All That Jazz a decade or so ago. Some of you younger ones might remember instead the choreography from Paula Abdul's "Cold Hearted Snake" video - which was almost directly lifted from All That Jazz. We've got a lot of the same elements here - dim lighting, black - clad dancers gyrating, making moves that accentuate the crotch, a lot of simulated sex. They do some pretty neat moves with the tables as they whisk Rachel around - that's new. No tables with Fosse or Abdul. Of course, since they can't get quite as dirty as Fosse did, they had to innovate somewhere.

Cassandra's response is "So you can memorize a routine, so what?" My reaction is, "So isn't that what dancers do? She's asking to be allowed the minimal curriculum of your dance 101 course, not that you cast her on Broadway." Cassie thinks she can play Maria Von Trapp or Shrek.... and this is getting weird. I actually agreed with her initial assessment that Rachel sometimes moves like she's ashamed of her body, but this reaction to her dance routine is a non-sequitor, and it's no longer objective.

Rachel blows up, and she throws Cassie's failure in her face. "We are the future, and you are some Youtube joke!" And with that... she's out of Cassandra's class.

Back to Lima, where the Assholes R Us "popular kids" are sneering at Marley's mom because she didn't give them bigger portions. After a few jibes, Jake starts a fight. There seems to be a lot of that going on at Zero Tolerance Policy McKinley. Will breaks it up and pulls Jake out. Yep, Jake's the one in trouble. Of course. No... he's not going to the Principal's office. He's coming to see... a really, really bad mohawk.

Hi, Puck.

Jake, meet Noah. Noah, meet Jake. They have never met, although Puck has vague recollections about family arguments... his mother and father fighting about a baby and some slut waitress. So Mr. Puckerman cheated on Puck's mother with Jake's mother, and it caused a huge amount of tension in their house. Consequently, Jake's mother got called names. That's a LOT of baggage there. It's enough painful, deep-seated conflict to be a major plotline that lasts all year as these two brothers learn to bond despite all the walls between them.

Nah, that sounds like it might be difficult to write and it might take effort. Let's just have Puck, who has every reason in the world to resent this guy, instead give him a lecture about being a badass. Puck was the original badass - well, no, every generation is full of them, which is why you all did West Side Story last year - but the glee club... oh, groan. The Glee Club Made Puck a Man.

SERIOUSLY????????!!!!!!!!!!!! It's the weakest scene of a fairly strong episode. These boys have amazing stories to tell us, and instead we get a warmed over retread of What It Means to Be a Man. At the end of this hackneyed lecture, which takes all of about 90 seconds, Puck informs Jake that he has to go back to LA to bang a Bachelor contestant. Yes, Puck flew all the way from LA to Lima to spend 90 seconds lecturing the boy who broke up his parent's marriage pretty much by existing. And Puck's assessment of this crazy relationship is "You're my brother."

This scene does not work narratively at all and it does not stand up to any level of critical thinking. We do learn a couple of things.

1. We should not expect to see Mark Salling very often anymore.
2. We are to embrace Jake as if he were Puck.
3. We now know that Puck did in fact make it to LA OK, and he's continuing his womanizing ways in fine style. But he still has that awful haircut.
4. We have to assume Puck now has LOTS of money to spend on air fare. That pool cleaning business must be making him a millionaire It also gave him telepathic powers. How else could he know Jake was in a fight?

Figgins is up on the stage for the annual fall assembly. He would like to clear up a rumor; He does not like to be milked.

OK, that was bizarre. Actually, it didn't work at all. Onward. Let's have... the New Directions! No, let's have the continuing trainwreck. Brittany is not warming up, and she's covered in Cheetos. (Uh, I hate it when that happens, especially to my son.)

The New Directions are up, the song is "Gimme More" and the tribute to the complete meltdown of Britney Spears is now in full, vicious swing. Brittany's swigging away at orange crush in the middle of the number and she's wearing a familiar black leather ensemble - black bra, black leather panties, fishnet hose, high black boots. You've seen that outfit. She's not quite as doughy around the middle as Britney was, but we get the point. The members of New Directions dance vigorously; she makes little half-assed moves.

I didn't enjoy watching this performance when I saw it live on national television. I'm not really enjoying watching it now. Since the one thing I really, really enjoy about Heather Morris is her fierce, sensational dancing, this falls even flatter for me because the narrative requires that she not be good right now. She's doing a good job at what she's being asked to do, but it's kind of unsettling... just like it was the last time we all watched it. At one point, Brittany eats cheetos when she's supposed to be singing.

Will and Emma watch in dismay. Kitty jumps up, triumphantly. "You're lipsynching!!!!" And with that, the boos begin in earnest and chaos reigns.

Back in the choir room, Will blows a gasket. "We do not lipsync! EVER! Unless we are on a national tour and everybody's voices are giving out because of the slavishly long hours and lack of sleep!" Every gain they've made has been wiped out. It's like doping in sports... they are now, collectively, Lance Armstrong. Well, this is a better reason for their loss of popularity and prestige than Kitty sneering at Marley's mom. Will thinks that if the National Show Choir association finds out, they may bar them from competing. I would think they would have to be found guilty of lipsyncing in actual competition, but OK, Will.

Brittany resigns from Glee Club.

Cassandra is writhing in front of a mirror when Rachel comes in to apologize. Rachel feels like Cass has been picking on her. (Accurate, at least after the latest number.) Cassandra sees that Rachel lashed out, just as she did, once - except that Rachel lashed out over honest feedback in dance class. Yes, Cassie, that's much less legitimate than attacking an old man and his cell phone.

If Rachel can't take the heat from Cassie, how can she ever survive the vicious environment that is Broadway? What if somebody taped her outburst? She'd never get cast! And her career would be over forever!

Well, yes, Cassie, maybe, if she attacked you with a baseball bat. Rachel returned some very nasty and unnecessary personal verbal attacks with a personal verbal attack of her own. You physically assaulted a gentle old guy who forgot to turn off his phone. Not quite the same thing

The reason why Cassandra is so unkind to her students is that she wants them to be ready to face the cold, unkind world of Broadway. Rachel is not ready yet, and if Cassandra had her choice, Rachel could not come back to class. Second chances don't exist. However, the school requires that Cassie give Rachel only a warning. She also has to wash all the dance belts.

It really appears as if Rachel is living in a different world from all other NYADA students. This is making less and less sense as we go along. Rachel chokes her initial audition - badly. She gets into NYADA anyway. The first day of vocal class, Carmen dismisses a freshman for singing poorly... but Cassandra can't dismiss Rachel for dancing poorly or for behaving poorly. It's like there's one set of standards and rules for Rachel and one for everybody else at NYADA. Either that, or Carmen just has more clout than Cassie does, which I guess is possible.

Sam calls Brittany into the auditorium. He knows what she's doing: she's intentionally hitting rock bottom so that she can make a glorious comeback, just like Britney Spears - now a judge on the X- Factor! - did. Sam declares this the end of the trainwreck express with his intervention. Clearly, he will be more effective alone than the entire Glee Club together - but I think it might just be because he's seeing through her little game. You can't intentionally hit rock bottom. She's manipulating everybody, and she's deliberately damaged the Glee Club in the process. One thing I will say for Britney Spears - she wasn't doing it on purpose just to get attention. I am not sure the others in the Glee Club would necessarily stop being mad at her if they knew what she was up to.

Brittany misses Santana. That much is genuine and worth some level of sympathy. Santana was not only her sex partner, she was her best friend. Sam offers to be her friend now. OK, for the second time, I ask, can this kid be the New Rachel? He's the nearest thing to competent leadership we've seen in two episodes.

Brittany returns to Sue's office with a comeback gambit. The Senior Class President has drafted an executive order that Brittany be reinstated on the Cheerios. Sue thinks it's the plan of an idiot... but it's a plan and it requires logic. Brittany still needs to bring up her grades so that she can graduate, but there's a plan in place for that. Will and Emma will be tutoring her. Brittany confuses George Washington with Glen Close. This will be an uphill battle,,, but Brittany did get a C- on her history exam. (The teacher bumped it up two letter grades because she wrote in English. I think the lady does not want to have to see her next year.)

Back in New York, Rachel and Kurt are attempting to make their barn a bit more attractive as they apply woefully inadaquate amounts of paint to the walls. Rachel has painted "Finn" on her section of the bricks. Kurt assures her that Finn still loves her, and he has not forgotten about her. Rachel is lonely, and the only cure for loneliness is cake, according to Kurt. Rachel asks if he's afraid to go out at night, and Chris has a neat little moment here: he tells her that he will keep safe by yelling at things and twitching like a dead person, and all of a sudden he's funnier and natural and more human than he's been since the writers turned him into a martyr. I do think we might actually have seen Chris Colfer there instead of Kurt Hummel.

The doorbell rings. It's Brody. Kurt is immediately quite excited, and... uh... anxious to leave them alone. Kurt, what exactly is your position on the subject of Finn? Brody comes in, admires the size of the barn, and admits he was on a train for 45 minutes. I guess this strange little warehouse is not in Manhattan. That's a LONG subway ride. Brody has come all this way to give her an orchid, and to tell her she's sexy, and to make his move.

Rachel is still in love with her ideal of Finn. This will not last much longer. Brody leaves her with an interesting message. He will respect her boundaries, but he's going to be thinking of kissing her every time he sees her.

OK then. This is a high pressure no pressure situation.

Back at McKinley, Jake asks Marley if he can sit next to her in Glee Club, since he does not know anybody else. His entire world view has been realigned in a 90 second conversation with a man he's never met who referred to his mother as a slutty waitress. Marley is happy and excited as she walks down the hall with Jake. She's his friend, looking out for him, and he's her mother's defender, and it's time for Catty Kitty to get in the middle of all this sweetness. Marley is still wearing Jake's jacket, but Kitty wants it back; she's dating Jake.

Marley, badly shaken, hands over the jacket. The funny thing is, of course, is that Kitty has not really done anything wrong here, in this particular episode. She's guarding her territory a little, but it seems clear that any girl with a brain who dates Jake might have to do that. Of course, perhaps girls with brains should not date Jake.

And here's the love triangle. Yawn. Been there, done that. I'd rather have the bonding of the feuding Puckermans over several months.

So, Jake enters the Glee Club room, where he is warmly greeted by Sam and Joe, who have crunched the numbers and know they need him. "God made you, and God doesn't make mistakes" says Joe, who has not met some of the more screwed up people at McKinley.

Jake thinks God might have made several mistakes, as he examines the gender-bending Unique, Joe of the Dreadlocks, and all of our other Glee Club friends in some very unflattering camera angles. Marley wants to sing one last Britney song... yes, they do have one left... because after all, they have to close out the episode. We see Brittany back in her Cheerios uniform and her high ponytail.

This last song is "Everytime."

In the dance class, Rachel is finally allowed to tango, although we are never told why Cassandra changed her mind. Maybe Brody had something to do with it. He's watching in the shadows.

Santana is no longer available on Skype at all. Brittany's deepest sadness remains.

Rachel, er, Marley pines as Jake - whom she's just met - pines over Quinn, er, Kitty.

Rachel paints over Finn's name. OK, folks, it won't be long now. What is coming is now very, very obvious in canon.

The New Rachel - Season Four Episode Recap

2012-09-17T20:03:00.000-07:00

"The New Rachel" - Season Four Episode Recap

Here's what you missed on Glee. Last summer Ryan Murphy got diarrhea of the mouth and a sudden need for inappropriate amounts of attention, so he announced that he would be forcing all of his most effective and popular characters to graduate from McKinley. What he really wanted to do was give the Big Three a spinoff, but FOX wouldn't let him do it, maybe because it might just kill the franchise, so instead he is having to cobble together this weird hybrid thing where we watch the people we've actually cared about for three years - or at least, those who have not been written off the show - in one segment and all the brand new kids at McKinley in another. And by "brand new kids" at McKinley, I mean characters with new names and new actors who are otherwise exactly like the old characters in every way.

So Rachel got into NYADA even though she botched her audition and Kurt is now an official Lima Loser even though he aced his. Finn is now a picture on Rachel's wall, Santana is something Brittney can't make out with over Skype, and all the other seniors are AWOL. The Glee Club kids are really cool and popular, but Ryan's about to fix that because he doesn't want to have to write a new story with new characters, and Will is as ineffectual as ever. And that's what you missed on Glee!

That will take you up to the present day. If you want to move forward, follow after the jump.

We begin at NYADA.

It's dance class, and I am having sudden flashbacks to the old 80's movie and TV show, "Fame" as these limber little goddess bend over backwards to touch the floor. In the middle of all this balletic preening, we see Rachel shaking nervously. The blonde martinet of a dance instructor, played by Kate Hudson, is snidely calling out "Welcome to NYADA" as she forces the dancers through their paces and issuing threats and insults indiscriminately all the while.

NYADA only accepts 20 freshmen a year, and she makes it clear that everybody in this class is a freshman, but I am pretty sure there are more than 20 kids in this room. Maybe some of them are sophomores who flunked the class and have to take it again, although I doubt that's an option for reasons we will see later when Whoopi Goldberg takes the stage.

Fifteen seconds into her diatribe, Cassandra the Dance Teacher from Hell informs one girl that her name is not Lydia, but Muffin Top, presumably because she's very slightly overweight. I would think the intense dance class might solve this in a month, but Cassandra's not patient. Twenty seconds into her diatribe, she's found her new Whipping Girl for the year.

Guess who.

It appears that Rachel was as impressed with Cassandra's behavior towards Muffin Top as I was, and now, there's blood in the water and Cassandra's the circling shark. She's got a new nickname for Rachel - Little Miss David Schwimmer - and I wonder how many of Glee's regular viewers really remember David Schwimmer or what Cassandra's making fun of when she says this. Maybe she thinks Rachel should become a nebbish paleontologist who is On a Break. Little Miss David Schwimmer says she's from Ohio? Even worse than Iowa. Cassandra has decided that Rachel's stuck up attitude is pissing her off, and she can't really dance.

Rachel's stuck up attitude? Cassandra, you ain't seen nothin' like what this gal can do. She can't dance? Well... no, not really. Of course, neither can you, but I'll really rip you a new one for that later. Rachel tries so hard to dance well that she falls, and Cassandra gets down on the floor to give her a big New York City welcome; she sucks. Ah, with this introduction, I am sure that we will eventually see that Cassandra herself is a really fantastic, amazing dancer Right?

Crickets? Bueller?

Back at McKinley...

Jacob is STILL doing his obnoxious little videoblog. OK, we lost Finn, Santana, Mercedes, Quinn, Mike and Puck, but we still have this guy. Great. Oh, look, he's balding. Maybe he should graduate. He's on the street to let us know that the kids of New Directions - what's left of them - are now celebrities at McKinley High. Artie Abrams has been seen - gasp! - sitting with Cheerios at lunch! Actually, Jacob, he's been sitting, singing, wheelchair dancing, and occasionally making out with Cheerios for the last three years, because there have been as few as three and as many as five Cheerios and former Cheerios in Glee Club the entire time - not to mention several football players. Artie cheerfully replies that he is usually seen sitting, and that's it's great fun being popular.

Jacob next accosts Sam, who is either giving girls his autograph or his phone number, or both. He's gone from being a hobo stripper to Glee Club celebrity. Sam thinks it's awesome, and about time. I have a hard time believing a kid that hot and good-natured was ever unpopular, but this is a conceit we just have to roll with. I still think having gorgeous, nice people in show choir - or even multiple football players and Cheerios - should have raised the group's popularity level way before now. See, that is how it works. It's been decades since high school for me, but I haven't forgotten.

Sam's still the old, nice Sam, but Tina has gotten scary. She's got a nervous looking freshman for a personal assistant and she's throwing the banana this poor little thing is offering her on the floor because it isn't organic. I see that Tina has developed a strategy for becoming the New Rachel, although Rachel was never quite this bad.

Sam's Taylor Lautner impression has now become cool. It would be even cooler if he showed us his Taylor-quality ripped abs while he did it.

Jacob drops a bomb on us. Tina has broken up with Mike (a week after tattooing "Mike Chang forever" on her hip, because the long distance thing was just too hard.) OK, Tina... you seem to have a nasty habit of breaking up with guys over the summer because you've been physically separated from them for five minutes. I suggest you never marry a guy in the military.

Jacob concludes his webcast by asking the question on everybody's mind... who is the new star of New Directions? Who is the New Rachel? Everybody thinks it will be them. Obviously, this explains Tina's behavior. Artie, who seems to have decided that he can't be the New Rachel because he can't walk (even though he can sing) just looks nervous.

Somewhere in New York...

the Old Rachel is watching Jacob's blog on her laptop. She is taking some solace in being missed in a place where she was hated and mistreated. She misses her dads, she misses that lunkhead she used to date... ah, there he is, a photo on her bedside table. And that concludes the performance of Cory Montieth this week. She hasn't heard from him in two months... why not?

Uh, because he broke up with you, Rachel? You never do quite believe him when he does that to you. Frankly, I still think the last one was kind of inexcusable and you ought to move on.

Rachel's roommate is going to have a venereal disease or an unwanted pregnancy in about three weeks, although we will not have the opportunity to watch this up close and personal. Rachel wishes her Best Gay had gotten into NYADA, presumably because if he were her roommate, the line of men leading to his bed would not be out the door. At least, not until/unless he breaks up with the incredible Bowtie Boy.

Speaking of Finn and moving on... I think the writers agree with me. Rachel goes to the co-ed bathroom... co-ed bathroom? Really? .... and she hears a guy singing in the shower, because that is now the absolutely required method of introducing the Hot New Guy of the year to the show.

Rachel, rather than being terribly embarrassed that she's wandered into the boy's bathroom accidentally and fleeing, actually walks towards the singing. She appears to be mesmerized by his fairly adaquate voice. And yes, he does get out of the shower, buck naked, and she's staring right at him. NOW she flees. His reaction... get mad that she was staring at him as he gets out of the shower? Nope. He just grabs a towel around his private parts and starts chatting. The Hot Abs of the week is named Brody. He's also at NYADA, also majoring in musical theater. He's a junior.

The fact that Rachel actually survived Cassandra's first dance class means that she's good, apparently, and Brody credit's Cassandra's sadistic nature for getting him a role in a Broadway show as "Steel Worker #3." It lasted three performances. Well, that's the most realistic thing we've seen so far.

Brody, like Rachel, haunts the one co-ed bathroom at night because he gets teased about his moisturizing ritual. Maybe also to avoid getting stared at by a freshman girl as he gets out of the shower. Or maybe not. He tells her she's at NYADA because she's the best of the best - something Cassandra does not appear to be clear on - and oh, by the way.... he's straight. So apparently, he actually haunts the bathroom to pick up girls.

Rachel's expression says, "Finn who?" and I say, "Go get that, girlie."

So the first thing Rachel does is get on the phone to Kurt, who thinks the Brody story is hot and doesn't have any qualms at all about her moving away from Finn, even though Finn is his brother. Rachel lies and says she's happy. Kurt, as he... wanders down the halls of the high school that treated him, absolutely literally, like garbage for the dumpster... lies and says he's fine. He's come to see Robin Sylvester, a precious little Down Syndrome baby named by her beaming mother Sue in a memorial to her Favorite Dead Bee Gee. Yeah, mine too, Sue. Sucks about that. Sue's downright nurturing here. Well, at least to a helpless little infant. She then introduces us to.... Kitty.

The high-ponytailed Cheerio who struts into the room actually makes me do a double take. Not only is she clearly Quinn 2.0, since Dianna Agron is rumored to be leaving Glee, but the script doesn't bother to hide it. Sue actually celebrates the reboot at length: the new, improved Quinn 2.0 is not pregnant, manic-depressive or in and out of a wheelchair... yet. But damn, she's identical, at least in that uniform with that hair style.

Kitty correctly notices that Kurt should be in college.... or really, anywhere else in the entire world other than the halls of McKinley, where he was absolutely horrifically mistreated. Kitty thought gay people were all successful overachievers? No, Kitty. In Ryan Murphy's world, only gay people who can easily pass for straight are successful overachievers. Gay people who are obviously gay are the writer's bitch, and now that I've seen the New Normal, I understand that it's never, ever going to change.

Sue is very supportive of the fact that her precious Porcelain is now officially the biggest, most gaping failure of the Class of 2012. Not aimless, semi-talented Finn. Not academically challenged, unmotivated Puck. Nope, it's the femme guy with excellent grades and buckets of talent who once appeared to be very ambitious and organized. Sue thinks Kurt is a trailblazer; it used to be that football players were the Lima Losers who couldn't leave the halls of high school behind, but now this gay show choir champ is also a depressive sad sack desperately clinging to past... uh.... glory?

Sue, he got voted frigging PROM QUEEN. Why the hell's bells is this kid still at McKinley?

Will bounds into the show choir room full of WINNERS, baby! He is pysched! They are already all psyched out! Will thinks that it's time to move forward. Since they are now the Kewl Kids on Kampus, it should be very easy for them to find new underclassman bodies to sway in the background while they all tear out each other's throats in their quest to become The New Rachel. And, indeed, when Will puts up the signup list for New Directions, he nearly gets trampled into oblivion.

Yes, they've lost some big voices, some big personalities, some big... people who made the show interesting... but they still have some huge voices in the room. (Camera shots to Tina and Artie.) Will wants to replace what's been lost, so he introduces his first nominee to fill the gaps left by ...two of them. (New Glee Club rule: in order to be accepted in New Directions, you must be a 2.0 of an original character. This will end up explaining one of the big questions out there after the end of this first episode. Clones only. No original personalities allowed. I presume that's why Rory went home, because he was not a convincing Finn 2.0.)

Yes, the person coming in is both Mercedes 2.0 and Kurt 2.0 simultaneously. It's Wade, er, Unique, that sassy black belting female diva in the body of a gay man. Of course, his (and by "his", I mean Alex's) acting skills made Amber Riley seem like Chris Colfer by comparison, but hey, he won the Glee Project even more than Damian did in the end, so we should all be terribly excited.

Crickets? I am feeling crickets; I think a steady diet of Unique is going to get very old very fast. New Directions is also feeling crickets. Brittney is happy and excited because she thinks Mercedes got a haircut, but everybody else is overwhelmed to see a singer with a really big, soulful voice walk through the door.

This character is a bit tricky, so here's how I am going to handle the situation. When the character is responding to the term "Wade" and wearing male clothes, I will refer to him as a boy named Wade. When she is dressed to the nines as Unique, I will call her that. Basically, I will go with the persona this person has chosen for herself at any given moment. Default is female.

Wade comes in dressed like an ordinary boy. He tells Will that he wanted to be in a place where being different was celebrated. I suggest that he not move to McKinley High School. He might end up being Prom Queen. (Of course, that might be the most touching and wonderful day of Unique's life. She might not even realize she was being taunted.) Will is very excited to have Wade, but Tina and Blaine both look like they want to push him out the window. Indeed, Joe and Sugar are the only ones not being little turds about the situation. (Oh, hi, Joe! I saw Jason Castro in concert this week. Are you sure you weren't in Dallas on Thursday?) Will, being much more perceptive than usual, realizes they aren't all jumping up and down with joy, and Blaine is unusually blunt. He doesn't want any competition to be The New Rachel. I see he's already got the attitude down pat.

Will is not on the same page. He's the director of the show choir, but he's the only one who didn't get the memo about one person being the solo-hogging star this year. Tina wants to be the star, too. After all, the single, solitary episode in Glee history that had Tina as the lead character showed her wanting to be Rachel and shutting up only because she felt her deserved time was coming.

"We don't win with stars" says Will, who has been operating on the premise that everything is mostly centered around Finchel for three years. Will rejects the idea of a New Rachel, but unfortunately, Ryan and his crew do not. Wade takes his seat next to Blaine, and Blaine delivers a whispered ultimatum. They will decide this in the auditorium. Five o'clock. Apparently, Will is not only being ignored, but his decisions will be made for him in his absence and without his consent. Way to do your job, Will. Maybe you should go back to butchering Spanish.

Five o'clock. Auditorium. The four biggest egos are here to take over New Directions and wrest all control and authority permanently out of Will's hands. They are: Tina, Blaine, Wade and... Brittney?

Really? Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....... OK, we have three genuine contenders and a delusional mess who should only dance. Artie is here, but.... he's not trying to be the lead singer. Brittney is up for Lead Singer and Artie is not. My head is exploding.

Artie's head may be exploding, too. They've decided he gets to judge this little patch of arrogant foolishness, which is going to be especially fun because two of the contenders are ex-girlfriends who dumped Artie harshly and left him quite flat. I notice with some amusement that three of the four contenders are members of the LGBT community. So, in other words, it's like most show choirs. Tina thinks that if they all sing for Artie, and then demand that Schue honor the results of this private audition that was held without his knowledge or consent, he will be forced to forego any plans or directions he had brewing for a new year and go back to coddling a single oversized ego at the expense of everybody else.

Tina hopes that she will be the New Rachel. That's what Rachel wanted. Look, it wasn't her dying wish, Tina. She didn't leave you the lead vocals in her will. On the other hand, congratulations for developing a personality, even if it's a snotty one. Artie is uncomfortable with this gross insubordination, but he just can't resist the urge to judge others, so he's in... and at least he's self-aware about his motives.

Tina gets to decide the song they are singing. I don't know that this is the song Rachel Streisand would choose for herself, but Tina's decided on "Call Me Maybe", because that will sell really well on Itunes. Wade declares that he needs no practice. He can sing any song, any time, which is ridiculous because there's not a singer in the world who can do that - not even Adele. I can see, however, why he won't be named The New Rachel. He really is clearly the New Mercedes. Kurt had a firm canon habit of rehearsing his songs. And... they are off.

It's amazing how four people who are all contending for a spot as the new star, who have not practiced this song together and who wish to steal focus, all manage to agree on exactly who is taking which line without even rehearsing. Hey, we all know how this would normally go down if we've watched The Glee Project. There is usually kicking and biting involved. Nope, they sing this song quite seamlessly. And they all know the same choreography, too! Even Wade! There's a little pushing and shoving and flicking, of course. They are competing, after all, so there must be trash... gesturing. Oh, and look! They got a whole orchestra line of strings to back them up on this unauthorized inpromptu musical rumble! Of course, the funny thing is that we've got four very different, very distinct voices, three of them are outstanding, and they are meshing well enough to demonstrate that we don't need no stinkin' stars. The team concept is working well here.

So, Artie. Who is the new Rachel?

Commercial break. Advertisement for a new Clint Eastwood movie. I find myself looking for an empty chair.

Commercial break continues. Quinn is now the star of an advertising campaign about not texting while driving. Glee episodes now really are PSAs.

And we are back in the Lima Bean. Despite their rivalry in front of Artie, Brittany and Blaine are bonding over lattes. We learn that Brittany is discouraged by the limitations of romance via Skype; you can't scissor a lovecam. Uh, I can't unhear that. I have this horrible idea that she tried. Fortunately, something happens that takes my mind off that and gives me a new reason to be horrified.

Kurt is their barista. Every nightmare of every Kurtsie is coming true. Not only is he serving them their drinks, but he wants to go watch the Glee Club auditions, and they are both visibly unnerved by this.

Fortunately, something happens that takes my mind off that and gives me a new reason to be horrified. The snotty rich kid in the Lima Bean isn't Sebastian, thank god, but she's there. Oh, hello Kitty. Kitty being catty. She's quite the sourpuss. Her iced latte is too cold and she'd like a new one, please.

On a more reasonable note, Kurt needs to stop chatting with his friends about stuff that's happening at the high school from hell that he should have left behind and fill that biscotti bowl. Blaine and Brittney decide to vacate the deathplace of their friend's last scraps of self-respect and dignity.

Back in New York, Cassandra is concocting herself a hangover remedy when a nervous looking nebbish arrives to break tha bad news. He can't be her TA this year; he's traded one wicked witch for another one, and will be one of Elpheba's flying monkeys in Wicked. Cassandra is ecstatic for him; she seems to have some warmth for students who actually accomplish something. Her recommendation got him the gig. I believe they are trying to communicate to us that this woman is not actually made of suck unless you do. She goes back to her hangover cure and looks very pensive for a second. Then... out comes the booze.

I think she wants to be the flying monkey.

Tina pounces on Artie, still working very hard on her Snotty Rachel impression (at least, what she perceives as Rachel's behavior; I don't recall Rachel being quite that abrasive). When is he going to announce the winner of the New Rachel contest? It's been four minutes, man! Artie replies, "I am now going to evade and stall because the moment I make a final decision three of you divas are going to tear me limb from limb and then Mr. Shue will find out what we did and cut my head off." I think I understand why Artie did not want to be The New Rachel; he values his life.

A new girl who looks vaguely like Rachel approaches the Kewl Table where the high ranked Glee Club kids, all quite full of themselves, are eating large portions of Smug Sammiches and enjoying the high life. Marley is a sophomore - apparently, you must be a sophomore to try out for Glee Club - and she wants to audition. Tina sneers that there is lots of competition, and Unique comes to join them for lunch. Sam nearly has a heart attack. They will hang out with Wade, but not Unique; the makeup has got to come off. Artie explains: for reasons that are not entirely clear to me, the tie between the Glee Kids and the Popular Kids is weak, and could be broken very easily. They could be smacked back down to the bottom again for any provocation.

OK. We have a club made up of a bunch of seniors, which has been largely peopled by Cheerios, football players, three real candidates for Prom Queen and one genuine Prom King winner, and the Senior Class President... and they fear being snubbed by a bunch of new kids we've never seen before. Got it. This is ridiculous.

Blaine, who knows better than anybody else that gay men only have dignity in Ryan Murphy shows if they can pass for straight, suggests that the character who has been rudely forced to become Wade should only wear his makeup for performances. I actually have another suggestion; maybe Wade should disappear completely and Unique should come to school dressed really pretty. They can just say Wade went back to Carmel. What? It's Glee, people, if the writers decide they can fool the rest of the school like that, it will work whether it's realistic or not.

Wade, who came to McKinley under the badly mistaken impression that it had an inclusive atmosphere, sadly agrees to take off his face. Perhaps he's already figured out that the two people who inspired him to change schools have both graduated.

Catty Kitty slips into her place at the table; even though she is new and they are all veterans, she is the person who dictates who is kewl.. I can't imagine that Blaine's all that happy to see her. One of the other snotty kewl kids, a guy in a letterman jacket, sneers at the obese lunch lady. There's another jock at the table; soon the fat jokes are flying. Artie and Blaine don't like it, but they don't fight it. Brittney makes a comment about medical conditions that sounds to me like she was trying to defend the woman and failed badly, and then Artie is asked to make a crack. Pause. Beat. He caves. When she sits around the house.... uh, it's not even original.

Marley can hear this.

It turns out that the overweight lunchroom lady is Marley's mother. When Marley goes to see her mom in the back, she is sewing designer labels into the second-hand clothes they got for her in a thrift store. Mom understands: High School is about image - and Marley's not set up for success right now. Her clothes are from Goodwill, her mother is the lunch lady. Marley wonders if she has a chance of getting into Glee Club. I don't see how she could possibly miss, unless she's tone-deaf, based on the recruiting strategy Will has always used before. Mama Lunch Lady says her daughter has magic in her throat. Since Mama Lunch Lady is poor, as opposed to say, Sugar's dad, we can believe this is true and not just a spasm of Stage Mom From Hell. Mama Lunch Lady is going to drive the car several blocks away so nobody sees Marley get in the car with her.

This is both incredibly kind and incredibly sad. Wade, you say you came to McKinley because it encouraged diversity?

Casshandra shtumbles drunkenly into the clashroom and shees Rachel tryin' to danchsh. Why that arrognat lil... I gonna teach her, I yam. Burp. Shend her back to Iowa, or Ohio, or shomthin.

Is Rachel getting worsh? Is she tird? Lonly? Homesic? Ready to pack up an git outta my classroom?

"Why are you picking on me?" squeaks Rachel, used to constant praise. It suddenly occurs to me that the NYADA audition does not have a dance component. It's all vocal. If Cassandra had been involved in the auditions, Rachel would not be here, but Brittney might.

Cassandra thinks she's motivating Rachel... oh, wait, little miss priss is looking very judgmental again. Seems that Rachel does not want her teachers to come to class falling down drunk. This is not what she's paying for. But when Rachel mentions this, the entire room turns to watch. Apparently, commenting on Cassandra's little foible is a major no-no and they know that trouble is brewing.

Cassandra on the defensive for a real mistake is a scary thing to watch. She struts to the center in barely contained rage at having her sobriety questioned, and announces that she can dance circles around any of them. Then she proceeds to prove that this is blatantly untrue. I am going to assume that they made Cassandra get drunk so that it wouldn't seem quite so inexcusable that Kate Hudson's dance skills are so ordinary.

The song is "Americano", and Kate's got several backup dancers to help make this display more convincing. Several of them are showing her up, and I keep thinking of two things:

- Brittney would do this better.
- This is just like everybody drooling over Finn's singing voice in the first few weeks of Glee, before they realized they couldn't polish a piece of granite and call it a diamond.

The fact that Cassandra has been so arrogant and nasty, but doesn't really have the goods when called to showcase them, is so distracting it kind of impedes my enjoyment of the number; they needed an actress who could walk the walk to really make this work. Surely there's a famous actress out there who could have done this better? Of course, they have a similar potential problem if the ever ask Carmen Thibideaux to sing; perhaps Whoopi will have the good sense to keep her mouth shut.

Funny how Cassandra's students have the backing choreography memorized. How often do they do this? Every time Cassie gets loaded?

Oh, and now Rachel is Cassandra's entire sh*t list. She does seem to piss people off everywhere she goes.

Back at McKinley, I cringe deeply as the pathetic mess that used to be my favorite proud, ambitious character jumps eagerly into the process of watching high school sophomores audition for New Directions. Kurt reminds everybody that they are looking for superstars... well, you are, buddy, but we are looking for cannon fodder that won't compete with us for solos. Shouldn't you be in college?

Stoner Brett is the first person up. He... is not a superstar, although Brittney kind of likes it. Everybody else stares at him in horror. He sounds... homeless. Actually, I think it would make for some pretty potent comedy if Stoner Brett made Glee Club. There's actually a really interesting story in that, and Will might be able to turn his life around. However, Stoner Brett is not a 2.0, or a Glee Project winner, so he will not pass the audition.

Wait, they are rejecting people now?

De'Wanda, whom we have never met before. is next. She dances marginally better than Kate Hudson without a dance double. More horrified stares. De'Wanda is also not a 2.0, so she is out.

A swarthy kid with a bad attitude stares down another boy as he signs up for the auditions. He calls himself Jake. That's it. However, he's got a nice voice, a nice face, a nice bod, and Sugar declares him sexy about five bars into the song. Sam disagrees jealously. Wade agrees, and this settles the issue, although that probably should not have been a laugh line. Are we to be amused that Wade is attracted to a boy?

This really is very nice, one of the best songs of the week, so of course, Will cuts him off. He's seen enough. Jake is offended because he thinks he's being dissed, and he trashes the music stand.

"That was rude and unacceptable!" squeaks Kurt. Shouldn't you be in college?

Will, as effectual as ever, calmly asks Jake to pick up the music stand, and Jake struts out in disgust. OK, massive fail on all sides, and that's too bad, because New Directions needs 12 singers for Sectionals, right? Right? Jake would have been a good choice. Of course, he's not a 2.0... is he?

Now we are in Carmen Thibadeaux's vocal class. I wonder if the extras playing freshmen in this scene are the same as the ones in the dancing class, but I don't really have time to check. Rachel feels more confident here. She's actually good at singing. Oh, look, there's Brody. He's got clothes on now. She sits right beside him. Finn who?

Carmen is as arrogant as Cassandra, but much, much more dignified and professional. Also more sober. She explains that the room they are in is round. It has perfect acoustics and every vocal flaw will be immediately obvious for this... the Debut.

"Also known as The Freshman Reaping" whispers Brody. I see the Hunger Games has made its impact on NYADA, and he's right. This is almost as bad as being a Tribute.

Beatrice McClain, one of 20 people chosen over Kurt Hummel to make up this class at NYADA, goes first. She sounds exceedingly nervous, and her Ave Maria.... uh. Let's just say that I've heard better versions come out of nice neighborhood people in my little church choir. We certainly would have gotten a less wobbly version from Kurt. Thin, reedy, nasal, poor breath control.... how did she get into a school that rejected Jesse St. James? At the end of a single phrase, Carmen stops her. She gets 8 bars... It appears that Carmen told Beatrice that she needed to practice all summer. (And this girl defeated Kurt... how?) Carmen decides that Beatrice needs to practice more and reapply in December.

She's been cut from the program.

You know, Carmen, I am not sure how the school is going to stay afloat if you toss out kids after eight bad bars. Does this mean one of the people you rejected gets in now?

Rachel gets to follow this little execution. "Impress me" says Carmen evenly. This is her version of the trash talk that Cassandra spews, and I must say I like it better. So Rachel begins to sing "New York State of Mind"... just as Marley begins to sing the same song back in Ohio.

Ah, so Marley is Rachel 2.0, for sure. I am sure there are a number of Rachel fans who are quite annoyed that Rachel's first solo of the year is shared with another character we've never seen before.

Rachel gets through the first eight bars without being stopped. After all, she sounds just like Broadway star Lea Michele, and therefore almost certainly does have what it takes to make it in this business. Also, since she has not been singing this song since she was a baby, she does not choke.

By the end of the first verse, Brody is smiling. Rachel is doing well.

So is Marley. Will is happy and excited. Blaine and Tina are both sullen and nervous. They both want to be the New Rachel, and the New Rachel has just walked through the door to upset their apple cart of entitlement. I do think Melissa Benoist does suffer a little at the side-by-side contrast with Lea Michele because Lea's voice is a little richer and more resonant. With Marley I hear less Barbra Streisand and more Karen Carpenter, but it's still quite good. Artie, at least, has the good sense to enjoy the singing as much as Will does. I notice that Marley gets to finish. Maybe Will decided that cutting off really good singers is a losing strategy?

Brody is on his feet by the end. Carmen looks like she might just cut him from the program for his enthusiasm, but she's in a good mood today so all she says is "Nice."

Will approaches the bulletin board with a sense of destiny. He has the results sheet. Marley is watching. So is Jake. Timidly, Marley goes to peer at the page that will decide her fate... and because she has sung well and she's clearly Rachel 2.0, she leaves looking very happy. Jake approaches with hope and trepidation.

The list includes every member of New Directions, new and old. There are only nine names, even though they need 12 to go to Sectionals. Jake has not made this cut. Neither have any of the swarming mob of people who signed up to try out. Marley is the ONLY new member besides Wade. What, did everybody trash the mike stand on their way out the door? Look, even Brett and De'Wanda could sway in the background. Isn't that what Blaine and Tina want anyway? Jake tears down the cast list.

OK, this is getting really distressing. Kurt is STILL hanging around the campus that treated him like garbage. Now he's organizing all the sheet music. Actually, he's wallpapering the floor with it. Gee, I guess they should just put him on the cast list so that they can have more bodies for Sectionals.

Tina bribes Artie with a sweet dessert. I wonder if she's going to end this by offering to be his girlfriend again. Unique, who has been listening to my recap, apparently, has taken my advice. Here she is in full sassy flower, being a girl.. and Joe balks. He thinks Unique should only be Unique on stage. Kurt begins scolding them for not being accepting enough... OK, last year, buddy, you had the same attitude towards her. He also wants to know when everybody became obsessed with who was the biggest star. Kurt, that would be... pilot episode, sophomore year, sweetie, and you were as bad about that as everybody else, as Tina is all too happy to remind you. Kurt and Rachel fought over solos for three years. Of course, Kurt never, ever won a single solitary time, but I think the writers want us to be unaware of this.

Then, they corner Artie. He MUST decide who the new lead singer will be right now. After meticulous deliberation, an on-line poll (that's a dead giveaway as to the winner) and careful thought as to what result will be least likely to result in him being torn limb from limb, Artie has decided that Blaine Anderson will be the new lead soloist of New Directions. This means he will be singing solos every single week. This means, of course, that nothing has really changed at all.

At least, until Will comes in, parading the real New Rachel - Marley Rose. Sam, Sugar and Joe clap graciously and Blaine, now feeling more secure in his place as new head honcho, welcomes her to New Directions. Sugar likes her sweater... but knows it is not J. Crew.

Mama Lunch Lady is brimming with pride that Marley was the only new person accepted into New Directions. Her baby is the New Rachel! Oh, no, she's not, I guess, because Blaine is the New Rachel and Marley wants to be a singer on the radio. She wants to be the New Mercedes? Oh, wait, Unique is doing that. She's not bitchy enough to be the New Santana, so we will watch this space for further developments.

One problem, though. These lovely Glee kids who fought being downcast outsiders for so long are making fun of Mama Lunch Lady. Success has gone to their heads even more than it's gone to Ryan Murphy's. Marley is uncomfortable lying about her mother, and we learn that Marley - a drop-dead gorgeous girl with a lovely singing voice who appears to be very kind and pleasant - was shunned at her last school because her mother was fat. Mom is willing to fade into the background to give her daughter a shot at popularity; she's almost as awesome a parent as Burt Hummel.

OK, the pathetic loser thing has gone entirely too far. Kurt is now eating lunch with Blaine during school hours. Shouldn't you be in college? Or at the Lima Bean? Or... SOMETHING? Kurt thinks Blaine should be the lead soloist, since he already is, anyway. However, he does believe that Rachel always made sure everybody else was included. Funny, that is not my recollection in the slightest, but everybody is treating Rachel as if she were dead, and it's typical to remember your departed loved ones as being better than they were. Blaine agrees to be less of a huge turd to the new people, and then gives his sad little boyfriend some tough love.

Kurt needs to get off the McKinley campus. He looks pathetic, and nobody wants to be the boyfriend of a really visible Lima Loser. Well, Kurt knows he's pathetic. Blaine kindly suggests that he's stuck. He needs to go to New York. We learn that Kurt has reapplied for NYADA - apparently, he does not understand that there are other performing arts schools in that city - but he's afraid to just up and leave without a plan. Apparently, Kurt's need for proper planning and structure kicks in when it hampers him, but disappears when it's time to apply to a safety school so he doesn't end up being a Lima Loser. At any rate, watching Kurt dissolve into the sinkhole of failure and regret is killing Blaine, and he's prepared to shove him out of the nest. Kurt wonders a little about the challenge of a long distance relationship, but Blaine promises... it will be fine. Yeah, we'll see about that at hiatus time, bud.

Well, it's nice to see that the Klaine dynamic has not changed in the slightest. Blaine, while being a year younger (apparently), is the one who comes closer to passing for straight, so the Law of Murphy dictates that he must be the wiser, more mature, more decisive partner in this relationship about absolutely everything all the time without exception. Now that I've seen The New Normal, I understand that this is actually a Murphy truism, it will never, ever change and the Kurtsies all need to just suck it up and accept the fact that the writers consider Kurt the vastly inferior half of this couple. Blaine rocks and Kurt is a pathetic ball of suck. It's canon. Got it. Grrrr.

Fortunately, something happens that takes my mind off that and gives me a new reason to be horrified... I seem to be saying that a lot today...

The Cheerios start the rhythm, and the band kicks in for no good reason, and the Artie-appointed New Rachel is off to do what he does best... break into random song at unexpected times and places. "It's Time!" he sings to Kurt. Maybe he worked this little solo out with the Cheerios and the band ahead of time just for Kurt's benefit. The boy who almost froze Kurt out last year because he feared the New York separation is now singing his encouragement that Kurt leave. Yes, the moment that Kurt makes a decision that changes his life forever is almost completely dominated by Blaine. Kurt does not make the decision himself, and he does not sing about his own journey. He once again has no personal agency at all in the things that happen to him in Lima.

This couple really needs to break up. It's really extremely unbalanced. A year and a half ago, I'd never thought I'd say that. However, the game of cups is kind of cute.

Back in the lunch room - now minus Kurt - Blaine is informing Brittney that she can't just quit because Blaine gets to have all the solos. Ah, I see that the New Rachel strategy is working well. Heather mutters a series of lines about a dead heart song that are so poorly delivered and so hard to understand I just can't be bothered to go back and listen again. Maybe Blaine is the New Rachel because he can talk.

Kitty tries to change the subject to something more pleasant; they can't do a Popularity Homecoming Float with all white people.. oooh, she's lovely. I see she's related to the Grandmother on the New Normal. Oddly enough, the black jock at the table is not offended by Kitty's racism. He's more offended by Mama Lunch Lady's girth. Sugar chimes in, and Marley explodes, blowing her cover. Yes, she's related to Mama Lunch Lady.

Shocked silence, even from Joe and Blaine. Kitty is clearly thinking, "Oh, you are SO dead meat." I'd like to hope that Joe and Blaine are thinking "OK, we are assholes." Sugar appears to realize that she's said something amiss as Marley stomps off, and Sam, sitting at a less kewl table, watches this with concern.

Back in New York, Rachel is pining for Finn, a picture on her cell phone. Brody sees this and decides to accelerate the breakup process by gently informing her that he broke up with his own long-distance girlfriend after six weeks.

"That's not going to happen to us" says Rachel, which confuses me a little because I thought it already did, and at any rate, I believe it probably will pretty soon. Brody bides his time until sweeps.... in the meantime, he thinks she killed it in Thibadeaux's class. Rachel is uncomfortable in New York, but Brody explains that it's because she's becoming a different person. She's becoming a New Rachel. New life, new city, new attitude, new memories and pretty soon... new boyfriend. OK, let's cement that idea with a photo of the new couple, side by side in New York. Unless Brody turns out to be a secret asshole like Cooter did, Finn's in for a heap of trouble here. Brody is more handsome, he sings better, he's more intelligent, and he's a better fit for Rachel. The only thing Finn has going for him is that his actor is better and more beloved by the fandom.

I do think Brody was also lecturing us. Don't fight the new Glee! New characters, new scenarios, new ships! And there is this. As far as I can tell, Brody is not a 2.0., unless he combines the talent and intelligence of Jesse St. James with the basic decency of Finn Hudson. (Well, when Finn is allowed to be a good guy, which is sometimes.)

Back to dance class. Cassandra is sober. Her dancers are not yet psychotic enough to please her. She asks Ms. Schwimmer - the only dancer not in black - to do a twirl. It's still pretty Community College dance class quality, but Rachel swears to Cassandra that she will keep getting better until she's the best Cassandra has ever seen. Given the level of basic talent on display, this is not likely, Cassandra pretends she likes the spunk, but what she really plans to do is make Rachel's life hellish. Apparently, it's now personal. Rachel does not dance all that well and she dislikes drunk teachers. She's toast.

Burt has driven Kurt to the airport. Kurt has no job, no NYADA, no place to live, no plan, but he's got a one-way ticket to New York City because he's an essential part of this spinoff within the original show, so he's going. He's going to have to sell his car for two weeks of rent in a hotel, and he has a credit card so he doesn't starve to death. OK, so Kurt has exactly two weeks to get his life in New York in order. Gee, I wish Emma had done her job last year and made him create a backup plan.

Oh, for crying out loud. Kurt still doesn't want to go to New York. He wants to apply for NYADA from Ohio and he understands that his barista salary would go farther in Lima than in the Big Apple. Kurt really, really has no personal agency or drive here at all. He's being forced out by everybody who loves him because he's incapable of making any bold decisions for himself - at least while he's still in Lima. Burt encourages his son to embrace the adventure, the struggle.

Kurt is being shoved out of the nest forcibly, and he's terrified. This is actually the worst possible way they could have written his ticket to New York, at least in terms of narrative development for him. They can make him be a wimpy little whiner if they like - he's their character, not mine - but I get to be disappointed. However, Burt remembers what Kurt has forgotten. Lima sucks. It's been horrible to him. It's mistreated him terribly. For all that New York is more demanding of excellence, it is also more accepting of eccentricity, and there is more chance that Kurt (once he escapes from Lima) will be up to the challenge of being excellent at something than there is that he will be conventional as he does it.

The best dad on television tells Kurt that New York is filled with people who aren't afraid to be different. He knows that Kurt is going to be happy there, and I am going to accept this as a promise from the writers; that Kurt will blossom and thrive when he's out of Lima, because enough is freaking enough, dammit. The New Kurt in New York with New Rachel. OK, we will try this out. And as his son walks away from Lima, Burt Hummel weeps, because he knows his strange little wonderful son, finally given wings to fly, is never coming home.

At least one person is kind of disgusted with the antics of the Glee Club - Sam. He catches up to Marley in the halls and apologizes for nasty comments he did not make so that she will not leave a Glee Club that has too few members as it is because they've become too full of themselves to let anybody in. Sam knows that the sweater is from Wal-Mart. He knows what it's like to be poor. He thinks that in Glee Club, if you can sing and dance, you belong.

As long as you don't trash the music stand, at least. Boy, I guess there really aren't any good unrecruited voices at McKinley High, if he's right. Should they get Jacob to sway in the background again? Marley does not want to stay in Glee because they were making fun of her mother, but as she turns around, she sees that the whole group have showed up to apologize. Sam has organized this exercise in collective remorse. He seems to be a real leader. Maybe he should be the New Rachel. Blaine declares that in Glee Club, everybody gets to be a star - at least, everybody except Kurt, who never did get any of those solos he kept fighting for - and he hopes she will come to rehearsal. She gets to sing lead vocal! She IS the New Rachel! Unique is there in full regalia, hoping that Marley will feel accepted because Unique is now being accepted... at least, I think that was her point, and it wasn't just pointless bragging. I will say this; Alex's acting improves significantly as Unique, and it's clear to me that Wade should be gone for good.

Well, Marley is sold on the Glee Club, but she's not sold on sitting with racist, catty Kitty and those two guys... one of whom is black, but willing to sit with Kitty, which confuses me.. but oh, look. Here's Catty Kitty herself with her two buffoons. Kitty still appears to have all the power in this relationship, over the Senior Class President, also a Cheerio and nominee for Homecoming King. She was willing to let the Glee Club kids be popular because they won a National Championship, but she does not like transgender people or poor people. And after all, Unique and Marley were not actually on the team that won that championship.

Therefore, Blaine excuses all of them from her toxic crew. And therefore... it's slushie Central. We may be looking for the New Rachel, but it's same old McKinley. Their status as winners lasted one episode.

Kurt, are you on that flight yet? You were hanging around here... why? Glad you got out in time.

Will is in the office, doing a little research he probably should have done earlier. He wants to talk to Jake. Is it because Jake is such an extraordinary voice? Because they only have nine singers and they need twelve? Because having another good-looking straight boy in the organization may improve the group's image? No, it's because Jake... is Puck 2.0 His last name is Puckerman. He is, absolutely literally, Puck's long-lost half brother, and Puck does not even know he exists.

Jake deducts that since he is Puck 2.0, he is now good enough for Glee. He would be absolutely correct in that deduction, but Will does not want to admit that, so he chooses this angle: Noah Puckerman was a nasty little punk who became a pretty decent guy because he joined the Glee Club. Will feels he can do the same thing for Jake Puckerman, Puck 2.0. Will interrupted his audition because he knew Jake sang well enough, and because he wasn't doing a split-screen duet with Puck, who is AWOL this episode. Will has ears. He knows Jake sings well. However, Jake knows that if he joins the Glee Club, he will be spouting PSAs by the end of the year and he doesn't want to change like that.

So of course, he will change his mind by the end of the last song, "Chasing Pavements." Marley is singing lead as the group takes the stage for afternoon rehearsal. Unique is now a girl, possibly for good. Rachel sits in Central Park, looking at pictures of Finn and feeling sorry for herself. Funny... Marley is singing lead without actually being in rehearsal, but as she appears in the auditorium, Blaine welcomes her onto the stage and she just keeps on singing. Funny how they were all singing the same song at the same time. Jake enters as well. He is not singing, but the magic touch of being 2.0 draws him against his will. We are the New Directions. Resistance is futile. No, you aren't going out that door, kid. Oh, you are? OK, we'll drag you in next week. You know you want to be here.

Rachel, alone in Central Park, calls Kurt and comes clean. She lied.

New York sucks.
She misses Kurt.
She misses Finn.
She misses being a star.
Cassandra is a monster even though she can't really dance much better than Rachel can.
Her roommate is sleeping her way to the top, or at least to the Clinic.

Kurt thinks she should move out and get a new roommate. He knows just the person. Turn around.

He is talking to her on the phone, on the other side of the fountain, and Hummelberry is reunited. He's solved her loneliness problem, her roommate problem, her confidence problem, and his own housing problem. Since he's not in NYADA, they won't compete for solos, either. Hey, since he's not in a singing organization at all anymore, he may never sing again.

The New Normal - Pilot

2012-09-11T00:55:00.000-07:00

With a brand new work schedule and a yen to try something new, I noticed that Glee creator Ryan Murphy has a new show out - The New Normal. Well, I love Ryan Murphy, at least when I am not hating Ryan Murphy, so I thought I would try this out.

I figured this might go the way Glee did; brilliant writer/producer comes up with fresh new concept that sparkles with humor and a new way of looking at things for at least 13 glorious episodes before becoming overburdened with its own runaway success, causing a rapid and frustrating descent into a quagmire of painful stereotypes and Murphy's own special kind of self-righteous sermonizing, as insistent and one-dimensional as anything ever to be spewed from a right-wing pulpit. .

Glee's descent into preachy purgatory took an entire season. For The New Normal, Ryan has dispensed with the stage of the show where it's fresh and funny altogether, and has gone straight for the sermons shoved down our throats. I am 100%, entirely, completely in favor of everything he is preaching to us, and he's doing it so badly this is almost unwatchable.

The full recap of this pilot episode is after the break.

The episode begins as Bryan, an effeminate gay man so exaggerated he makes Kurt Hummel look like.... well, somebody who might have been a star football player back in the day... is tapping impatiently on his computer. It goes boink. Oh, I am sorry, Bryan, I stand corrected. It goes bing. A sassy, smart personal assistant comes to the rescue of her hapless boss, and we see... Uh, hi, Roz? What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be off conspiring with Sue to overthrow Figgins? Apparently this character is not Roz. Roz has a glittering bronze medal; this character has glittering high heels, which apparently enables her to reach the top branches. She sets the laptop right with a single press of a button, and Bryan begins speaking earnestly to his computer.

He is leaving a message for the child who is coming. A moment of love and joy passes over his face, wiping away the smarmy stereotype with a millisecond of genuine emotion. He wants the child to know how desperately he (or she?) is wanted... And then he realizes that we, the audience, don't know why this is an outrageous moment. He decides to backtrack, explain himself, and ruin that lovely genuine moment that he shared with us.

Bryan tells us that it all began in a faraway land called Ohio - what is it about Ohio, anyway? If this is a hit, is he going to have Glee characters come to visit? Will Bryan end up giving Sue parenting tips? If Bryan's secretary meets Roz, will they both explode from the shock?

Two blonde women, Jane and Goldie, mother and granddaughter, are driving in a car in the mystical fairy tale land of faraway Ohio when Jane stops in slack-jawed shock and horror at a traffic light. She has seen something horrible; two women are walking down the street holding a baby. Of course, so that we will immediately recognize them as a lesbian couple, they are both built like linebackers. Jane makes a homophobic comment that wouldn't pass muster at a Tea Party rally, and her ten-year-old great-granddaughter scolds her. Jane makes a crack about loving her gay hairdresser, and Goldie remarks that the lesbian couple obviously love each other as the two women kiss. Jane calls them ass-campers, cementing the tragically inaccurate idea that all homophobic bigots are this blatant and obvious in the spewing of their hatred, and the blonde women proceed to argue about whether the lesbians are women or not.

Archie Bunker became a cultural icon spewing hateful rhetoric, but somehow this does not work as well as All in the Family did. Possibly it's because Archie Bunker was an uneducated blue-collar dunderhead in the 1970s, and this is an obviously educated upper-middle class woman in 2012. Jane, done trashing two strangers who were not bothering her, proceeds to berate her own granddaughter for ruining her life by having an illegitimate child as that same child sits quietly in the back seat listening to this mess. This lovely woman compares her own daughter, Goldie's mother, to a thyroid tumor, and throughout it all manages to be almost unbearably nasty without actually being funny once.

Goldie walks through the door of her house to find her husband, Clay, screwing a bored Asian lady who is arousing him with dutiful dirty talk. "The United States is the most powerful country on earth." I am going to presume that Goldie has been on to this jerk for a long time, because her response, while appropriate, is not believable from a woman who has just discovered her husband's infidelity for the first time. Less than ten seconds after finding them, she hands the Asian girl some bleach and tells her how to do his laundry; Goldie is leaving him. Yes, she tells the ASIAN girl to DO HIS LAUNDRY. Really. They did that. Did Goldie tell the new girl what sushi recipes he liked best, too?

While Goldie's life is falling apart around her, Jane waits in the car and tries to regale her great-granddaughter with tales of her Girl Scout Cookie sales glory. Little girl picks up the "Excessive preachiness" baton and calls her Nana a bigot. To illustrate her point, Nana obligingly mispronounces "Chipotle" and declares it to be Spanish food. However, when Goldie returns in tears to tell her grandmother what happened, Jane bursts in on Clay and his little geisha with a gun, thereby earning the accolade "Horribly offensive bigoted character with the heart of a lion who protects her own." After all, Ryan Murphy doesn't want his characters to be two-dimensional. Still.... she does not shoot him because she... could not live in prison without her Lean Cuisine? Seriously, who wrote this garbage?

Goldie decides it's time to blow this awful joint and take her daughter someplace else, someplace better, someplace amazing. I think she was hoping Modern Family might take them in. Goldie decides to drive from Ohio to Hawaii. That's an impressive car.

Bryan, the Obviously Gay Character, flounces in to see his partner, the Obviously Superior Gay Character Who Can Pass for Straight, drinking a brewski and watching football. You see, Bryan was shopping - trying to look like Mary Tyler Moore, for some odd reason - when he saw the cutest thing he'd ever seen. He just had to have one. It.... was a baby. Yes, the effeminate character drools over the cute baby with the same enthusiasm he'd try on a divine pair of shoes. He even went out and bought little baby outfits, and now he wants a baby. They could buy him a little doll for all the dignity they are giving him. They really do make him come off as being THAT shallow. David, being macho enough to pass for straight, gets to be the sensible one in this dialogue, of course, and Bryan finally wins the argument by telling his masculine partner what an amazing father he will be. Of course, David will do all the hard work. Bryan wants to be the "Fun Daddy." Because he's effeminate. Right.

If they ever start making Kurt Hummel this shallow about substantive things, I will... uh.... write a pissy review and sulk for three months, like I did after last spring's finale.

We now move this couple to the park, where David and Bryan continue to feed us PSAs at rapid fire pace.

- Is it responsible to bring a child into the world as part of a non-traditional family? Why, yes, of course, David; after all, there was once a black kid, raised by his grandmother, who came out all right, even though people are STILL badgering him about his birth certificate.

- The older woman chasing around two little boys? See how great it is to be an Untraditional Family because you had your eggs frozen. This character breaks the fourth wall and speaks directly to the camera. They aren't even trying to make this seem realistic anymore.

- The tiny adult walking with a child her own height? See how great it is to be an Untraditional Family because she took the medical risk to get pregnant despite her size. This little lady is also talking directly to the camera. She isn't even talking to David and Bryan. These scenes really do play exactly like PSAs. Although it was kind of cute to see mother and daughter driving off in a Barbie car.

"Abnormal IS the new normal" declares Bryan, and I wonder why he's telling this to David rather than to the fourth wall.

That being decided, the guys set up an appointment with a guy who advertises surrogate moms as if they were wallpaper samples. Femme Bryan agrees that they don't want a fatty; serious, dignified macho David is interested in getting a mother who is intelligent. Femme Bryan tries to order a "skinny blonde child who doesn't cry." The guy from the fertility service refers to the surrogate mother as an "easy bake oven." And who is going to be the biological father? Both David and Bryan want this job. However, David is the mature, sensible macho guy who can pass for straight, and Bryan is a flaming femme. Guess who is going to be declared worthy of procreating.

The guys put off this potential crisis and look at videotape about potential mothers. The first one is too fat to please Bryan; the second too geeky for David. One of the women has had nine abortions. Not... funny, Ryan. Gwyneth Paltrow comes gets a cameo, because it's been far, far, far, far, far too long since we've been inflicted with a Gwyneth overdose, and the guys grab the phone to order her.

Goldie and her daughter have made it to the ocean, and the little girl is dancing on the sand. She asks her mother awkwardly what her dreams were before she got accidentally knocked up, and as a response we get a weird, forced trial scene that doesn't make any sense. The child spouts sage advice to her mother that rings entirely false, and Goldie gets a phone call from Nana From Hell. Seriously. That's what she put on the caller ID. Forced, forced, forced. Nana bellows at Goldie for stealing her car (which is a legitimate thing to be upset about) and ruins the argument by making nasty comments about an armless man she met on the bus. Seriously, for a show to be satire, you have to make fun of things real people actually do. Oddly enough, Goldie decides she doesn't want to live with this nightmare anymore and decides not to come home. Of course, she still has Jane's car.

Bryan and David meet their first surrogate mother, a pretty blonde named Melissa. They've put their bun in her Easy Bake Oven, and now she's holding it hostage. Two minutes into the conversation, she demands a BMV, and when they hesitate to meet her demands she orders a gin and tonic and she lights up. Pity. Good surrogates are so hard to find these days.

Bryan and David are walking a dog in a baby stroller through the park, practicing their parenting skills, when the guy from Expanding Families calls them. He's apologetic about Melissa, who was recommended by Celine Dion. He has a new surrogate in mind...

It's Goldie. She's going to escape from her dead - end life by giving birth to their child. She'll get paid $35,000 for carrying the baby, and this is how she's going to make her own dreams come true. She's requested a gay couple so that she can spout more PSA's about how A Family Is A Family and Love is Love.

Bryan is so taken with Goldie, he decides that he no longer wants his sperm to be competitive with David's. The femme gay guy yields to the macho gay guy as the one more worthy of being a biological father. Yes, this damned well is the message, and it's becoming almost alarming. For a man who is so hell-bent on making us all become more tolerant of people and practices that are not mainstream, Ryan Murphy is sure dismissive of effeminate gay men. Combined with the depiction we have of the relationship between Blaine and Kurt on Glee, and it's really clear that his preference for manly men is consistent and deliberate. On the plus side, these two guys got to touch while lying in bed together, and they even kissed each other. Once Bryan has given up on the idea of being the biological father, David is suddenly sold on the idea of doing the job.

Goldie and the guys meet at the fertility clinic. It's the big day - she's going to be inseminated. David, the manly gay guy who is the biological father, wishes to observe the procedure. Bryan, the faggy gay guy who gave up on being the biological father, is too squeamish to observe the proceedings. Besides, he has to hang around making painful banter with Goldie's daughter. This allows Ryan Murphy to set up a scene that shows Goldie and David alone together as the "real" parents. David breaks down because he's so stressed at the idea of being strong for other people, and he makes a Simon and Garfunkle reference that half the audience probably don't understand. Goldie didn't. So why is David crying?

Because he's never actually held a baby more than four minutes old. They went through all those surrogate swatches to find the best shade of mom, but he didn't prepare himself mentally for his role as dad. Goldie, who has known David for about five minutes, tells him he's going to be an amazing dad as if she actually had a clue as to whether or not this were true. Clearly, she wants that $35,000.

Nana picks this exact moment to barge into their lives. The Asian girl who was screwing Clay used some cell phone Facebook and twitter messages to figure out where Goldie had gone; gratuitous joke about Asians and computer inserted. It is not less offensive if the offensive character says it. Jane starts howling about the giant homosexual element in the room; I am surprised she's not still mad about the car... or that Goldie abruptly disappeared without warning, scaring her grandmother to death... or about the fact that her granddaughter is having another person's baby for money... no, she's mad because the couple she's carrying this baby for are gay.

Roz... or whatever the secretary's name is... shows up to give her boss a lunchbox full of poached eggs so that Jane can make racist assumptions as well as homophobic slurs. Roz .... uh... the secretary... I swear I can't find her name in the press releases for this show, and it's becoming annoying... somehow manages to understand that Jane is squawking because she thinks the poached eggs are human embryos from Roz (I give up) fertilized by the gay macho guy to go inside her granddaughter. Never mind that the woman drove thousands of miles to find that granddaughter. Maybe they should be a little more honest about this dynamic. Nana rants about black and gay stew, which does not ring true. Nana has driven all this way; she's got to have something more on her mind. If not... this script is unusually poorly written, even for Ryan Murphy.

Goldie addresses her grandmother's concerns with another pat PSA about being who you want to be. We have a few more definitions of what "normal" should be, and then Nana reveals that her husband, Goldie's grandfather, was a closeted homosexual, and she caught him in the middle of a sexual act with another man.

Yeah, this is why she drove across the country to keep Goldie from becoming a surrogate. Sure. Goldie does not want to go home with Nana. She wants to make $35,000 while Making a Difference.

After Goldie and The Real Dad go back into the clinic to finish procreating, Jane reveals her real issue to Roz (I give up) and Bryan. Goldie's mom ran away and left Goldie with Nana at the age of eight. There's a real family tradition of unwise pregnancies in this family. Maybe, just maybe, that is the larger issue for Nana.

And now... we are up to speed. Bryan is once again talking to his unborn baby via Skype - that's a neat trick - while David paces at the bathroom door. Goldie is taking a pregnancy test. As they wait for the results, Bryan gives Goldie a gift; they have gotten her a suit, in hope that some day she may wear it as a lawyer. She is helping them with their dream; they wish to do the same for her. Goldie picks up the stick to check the results... and it all goes black.

Of course she's pregnant. Otherwise, they would not have a series. Of course, if the writing stays this forced and offensive, they might not have a series anyway. It's got all the worst parts of Glee and none of the awesome singing and dancing.

America's Got Talent SemiFinal #2

2012-09-04T23:17:00.001-07:00

There's one week left, America! We've still got twelve acts to go, and once again, only three can move on to next week's final on America's Got Talent! This is very, very important, America, and we must not forget, so they will remind us several times over the course of the show. Of course, just like last week, the judges keep forgetting this and they will be urging us to vote for more acts than can possibly go through. The judges told us tonight that this was the best semifinal ever in the history of entertainment. That's high praise for a lineup that didn't include an Earth Harp, and I think there were too many wobbly acts to deserve that accolade, but some of the acts were pretty sensational.

The Judge's panel continues its war of cheesy hand gestures, as Howey does a ridiculous point, and Sharon pulls out her little heart standby, and Howard flaps and sweeps in his attempts to make fun of the other two.

All That is the first group up. This clogging group is only here because Sharon has a fetish for them, and they've advanced at the expense of better acts. However, to their credit, they realized that they've got to do something remarkable to stay alive in the competition, so they've pulled out a new trick; tonight they perform half their dance routine with their shoes on fire. OK, that's new. Then they dance in water, presumably to put out the fire. Well, that's new, too. They've even thrown in a soloist. They've got the audience on their feet, and Sharon is very appreciative of their leather pants. I am slightly appreciative that they tried to do something different, and I think they definitely did the very best they could possibly have done - but they are... a clogging act, and they are buried in the First Slot of Death. Bye, guys. Thanks for all eye candy. I guess.

Sebastien el Charro del Orro and his mariachi band are next. The preview shows him being a really adorable kid, and his mama is rightfully very proud of him. I have an unreasonable amount of affection for this kid, and I literally screamed when he got through to the semis, but Sebastien was a wild card, and he's singing on borrowed time. His glory notes are still enough to send shivers down my spine, but he's a little wobbly on some of the middle notes, and about halfway through I realize that he's just a little too young and not quite a remarkable enough prodigy to get through this tough competition. Although I do think he's better than All That, and several other acts tonight. Howard blasts his sour notes and praises his showmanship as a ten year old. Sharon hopes that America will vote for him. She's now asked us to vote for the first two acts in a group of twelves. Sharon is either not very good at math, or she has no faith in the next ten acts still to come.

The Magic of Puck advanced by not being an abysmal mess during the horrific Youtube show, but the judges question whether he can do a bigger and more impressive act. I'm going to give the guy his due. He tries. Last time, he made a handkerchief dance for us, and it was kind of cute. This time, he levitates a lady in the air. That's... only the second or third time we've seen that trick this season. The trick is clean, well-done, and quite seamless. He stepped it up and showed that he can do a very conventional magic trick every bit as well as anybody else can. He's workmanlike and not particularly original, but he'll get more work. He's not moving on, and the judges don't even try to convince us that he should, although Howie weakly suggests that if we really, really want to send a magic act to the finale, it might as well be Puck.

Clint Carvalho and His Extreme Parrots is another one of those acts that managed to survive the bloodbath that was the horrible Youtube show. Today, Clint has very good control over his parrot. Kitty dances for us, mails a letter, flies through some hoops, and steals a 7 Up from Sharon Osbourne. He's a great circus act. He's going to make a fine living at Renaissance fairs and the like; this is a very good version of something I've not only seen before, but seen often. He's not moving on.

Jacob Williams is next. He's made a name for himself by being geeky and awkward and hysterically funny, but tonight.... he's geeky and awkward and completely out of funny material. It's very, very painful to watch. All of a sudden, we realize the difference between a talented beginner like Jacob and a polished, capable pro like Tom Cotter. I just hope he hasn't just lived his worst nightmare, because he's the weakest act of the night. Howard nailed it - Jacob was nervous and genuinely not very confident. It's all really... awkward.

Shanice and Maurice Hayes are back for another round of father/daughter bonding, and Shanice lets us know that they've been getting better gigs since they appeared on America's Got Talent. Well, I am glad to see that they have gotten something tangible out of this. Maurice comes out, beginning the song from one side of the stage, and then Shanice joins him from the other side. They have a gospel choir backing them and they sound great as they take us to church. The judges think Maurice is hogging too much spotlight from his charismatic daughter; Howie wants to kick dad off the stage altogether. So far, it's easily the best act of the evening, but that's not saying much.

All Wheel Sports promises that they are going to be terribly dangerous and exciting as they cycle in the dark. They jump on trampolines and somersault on bicycles and one guy falls - and that's it. They are done. They've made at least one really bad mistake in a big, frenetic, messy performance that is too disorganized to focus on properly, and they've got to be done now. As Howard points out, there is no one great, interesting moment. Howie asks us to vote for them.

The judges said this was the best semifinal in the history of entertainment. So far, I am not feeling it, and we are over halfway through. Nobody is wowing me yet.I think last week was better.

Tim Hockenberry got to the semifinals by channeling Joe Cocker. Howard tells us that singers are going to have a hard time tonight, and I hope he's right. Tim's trying to channel John Lennon; he's singing "Imagine." He's emoting in all the right places and if I saw him in a bar I'd be eagerly throwing money in his cup, but I am not jumping up to vote for this; as Howie points out, he's not very original, and I think I've had just about enough of the parade of mediocre male white singers winning this competition over better acts year after year. I bet money he sails through, and I hope I am wrong.

The Untouchables, that adorable dance troupe of eight year olds going on twenty, are at it again. This week, the kids are doing the tango, punctuated with sharp, precise movements and breathtaking technical excellence that is impressive enough... until they pull off a magic trick of their own. The boys lower a a red tarp to cover the girls for literally only about five seconds, and in that time, the girls have replaced their short silver skirts with red and yellow flowing gowns. It's a spectacular moment, the first AHA! moment of the night. The crowd reaction is phenomenal. The ovation goes on and on, and I know we've finally seen something genuinely impressive this evening. Then one little girl begins weeping with joy and babbling about how happy she is that they danced well, and her little tears are going to get them several hundred thousand more votes. I would not be at all surprised if they made the finals.

The Olate Dogs have to follow that. Sharon informs us that she thinks they've got to get through to the final.... they've been saying that too often tonight. One dog jumps a rope, another jumps a flag, and then three start a conga line. One dog rides a scooter, another does backflips. And then, in the best trick of the evening, two dogs jump over their somersaulting masters. That's... pretty cool. That's a trick I've never seen before. Sharon begs us to vote for them desperately. Howard says that we have to vote them through. Howie agrees - and calls it the best semifinals ever. Gee, so far I've seen two sensational acts. Have they forgotten about last week already?

Lightwire Theater offers us an epic battle between a mountain lion of light and two strange, dinosaur like creatures who, for reasons not entirely clear to me, are fighting each other with light sabers. May the force be with you, kitty. One effect, in which they created a giant egg that exploded and then hung in the air, was particularly impressive. As the mountain lion warrior runs his enemies through with his light saber, the dinosaurs turn red and fall. It looks more impressive than it sounds, and I suspect it looks more impressive in person than it does on TV. Howie declares that they deserve to be in the final. Oh, look, another one. The judges declare it a 3 D experience.

David Garibaldi and his CMYK's. close the show. Once again, they are dancing to music as they smear what appears to be random paint on four canvases in the middle of the stage. Usually David's gig is easy to figure out; he tends to paint a picture of the musician he's dancing to, but tonight it's clear they are doing something else. There's a face emerging on those panels, but whose is it? They turn the panels upside down and reconstruct them on a huge scaffolding; shown finally in the proper order, the random splotches of paint have become the Statue of Liberty. Howard thinks that this group will get through to the final, but he's got a warning for Garibaldi. He's keeping us waiting too long to see what he's painting. Howard thinks that could be a problem. Sharon and Howie want Garibaldi to move forward as well.

So total this up: the judges have asked us to vote for All That, Sebastien, All Wheel Sports, Tim Hockenberry, the Olate Dogs, Lightwire Theater, and David Garibaldi. That's seven acts, and there are three slots. I wonder how that's going to work out.

My rankings:

1. The Untouchables - add a little magic and tears to youth and excellence, and I think you have an unbeatable combination.

2. Lightwire Theater - Giant dinosaurs of light fighting a bobcat with lightsabers! It's so much better than it sounds!

3. The Olate Dogs - Look, the dogs made a congo line and then jumped as their masters did somersaults. You just don't see that every day.

4. David Garibaldi and his CMYK's - they are still wonderfully energetic and it's still exciting to see what they are painting, but I think I like Joe Castillo better. He tells a story all the way through.

After that... the quality drops off dramatically. It will be slightly criminal if anybody ranked lower than David makes these finals, but one guy might.

5. Tim Hockenberry - He will channel the original singes all night with such passion you forget he's just a cover artist. Saints preserve us from yet another white male singing winner.

The rest of the acts have no chance at all.

6. Shanice and Maurice Hayes - Give your daughter wings, old fella. She's the star of the show now.

7. Sebastien el Charro del Orro - when the acts start getting ordinary and weak, I get to give higher ranks to my sentimental favorite.

8. All That - OK, it was kind of cool seeing their feet on fire.

9. Magic of Puck - Coming soon to a birthday party near you. Hey, I will hire him for my kids. It would be great.

10. Clint Carvalho and His Extreme Parrots - because the Renaissance Festival is the only other place to see an act like this.

11. All Wheel Sports - The most interesting thing was the splat.

12. Jacob Williams - Sweetie, when the jokes don't work, you are heartbreaking.

The John Rich/Clay Aiken Tweet War, Translated

2012-08-31T22:07:00.000-07:00

Well, well, well, just when I fear this year's installment of Celebrity Apprentice has given us all the material possible for this blog, along comes a silly little tweet war between Celebrity Apprentice Season Four winner John Rich and this year's runner-up, Clay Aiken. By the time I write this, every gossip column in the universe has reported about the terrible, shocking racist comments Clay made, and a handful, like The Inquisitr, actually bothered to read what he said and have interpreted his comments correctly.

What we have here, I think, is a failure to communicate. Clearly Clay and John are simply not speaking the same language; Clay is speaking the language of Snark, and John is babbling in the tongue known among both Democrats and Republicans as the language of Deliberate Misleading Opportunism. (Partisans on both sides know this dialect well.) Well, in an effort to promote clarity, so that everybody may be properly understood, I would like to offer up the Snark Speech and Opportunism Lingo to Plain English Translator. Let's turn this thing on and see what these two guys were really saying.

28 Aug ‏@clayaiken

Playing drinking game with my brother now. We drink every time we see a black person on screen at the RNC convention. #soberasamormon

Translated: My brother and I are watching the RNC convention, and we've noticed something really disturbing. There aren't that many black people here. If one were to drink every time we saw a black person at this political convention, we'd never get drunk. Gee, it's a shame that so few people of color see anything of value to them with this group of potential leaders. I think I'll make a joke about it.

Subsequent posts on twitter:

Translated: Ditto! Ditto! If John Rich thinks Clay Aiken is a racist, it must be true! Somebody tell Arsenio! Somebody tell his fans! Somebody tell Obama! The sky is falling, the sky is falling!

28 Aug ‏@johnrich

Oh, goody. Look. Starting a fake fight on twitter got us both a lot of publicity. Good, I like attention. How can I get more? I know, I'll imply that his charity is a sham. That will rile things up! Nothing to stir up a ruckus like a bunch of angry Claymates.

8 Aug Clay Aiken ‏@clayaiken

My charity is. Why isn't your party? ;-)

Translated: Cut the crap, John, you knew exactly what I meant the first time. But just in case there's any further confusion....

Clay Aiken ‏@clayaiken

@johnrich I think that a party that is hoping to represent and lead a country as diverse as America is should not be homogenous as the GOP

Translated: But really, wasn't I funnier the first time I implied this?

In the meantime, I suggest that we change the potentially offensive hashtag #negrospotting to the more politically palatable but far less readable #observinginherentracialdemographicinequalities so as to calm all the fluttered feathers on twitter.

Tweets for twits. But other than that, Clay, did you enjoy Clint Eastwood?

America's Got Talent Semifinals

2012-08-29T01:10:00.001-07:00

Ok, so I took a month off. First we had the Olympics, and then we had a week of Youtube garbage that I think Howard wishes we could erase, and then I got out of practice, but I am back, and the show was actually really quite good this week, so let's recap.... America's Got Talent, the Semifinals. (Part One. )

For this round, we will play a drinking game. Whenever the judges remind us that Only Three Acts Can Go Through.... drink. Whenever the judges then plead with us to vote for the act currently on the stage.... drink. Whenever it becomes really obvious that the math does not match.... chug the whole bottle.

Schounds lik fun. S'whendo we schtart? How about now.

Howard begins the evening by making fun of Howie and Sharon's corny little hand gestures. Howie's got some contrived little thing, and Sharon's got her contrived little heart (which makes me possessive because my mother and I actually did something like that when I was a kid, and I thought myself so creative at the time) and Howard swoops and slides his hands and ends in a vulcan symbol and we all remember that he's the only one of the three of them with any sense at all. This has been quite a surprise to me.

Then Howard remind us that Only Three People Can Get Through. (DRINK!) Therefore, the judges will have to be more critical of each act. Everybody left is pretty good, or they have an amazing sob story. Howard feels they've reallly got to be more critical and fine tune this. This means, of course, that the judges will be begging us to vote for two thirds of these people before the show is over. I guess the bright side is that when they DON'T beg us to vote, we know for sure that person is toast.

Nick then announces the first act, the act the producers most desperately hope will be buried by the sheer number of people following him before voting begins, and we see that they've given this death slot to... Andrew DeLeon.

Holy cow. This fan favorite with the incredible sob story? Why? Why would they want to bury him like that? Why? Because he's not actually that good yet, he should not be here and he's coasting on sentiment, that's why. I thought his wild card performance was absolutely terrible - breathy, screetchy, and entirely amateur. Do I believe that he's completely untrained and he's taught himself how to sing? Um, yes, yes I most certainly do. Well, here he is, still selling himself to the masses by looking unkempt and creepy in a strategy that appears to be working for him. The blue contact lenses do a great job of distracting the viewer from his amateurish technique.

Nick says he has a totally unique voice, which I would disagree with. I think Andrew is a very talented but very poorly trained countertenor, and I've heard better. Actually, Chris Colfer could probably take him to the woodshed, but I am beginning to mix my shows here.

Andrew is basking in the idea that other people now like and accept him. See, buddy, you came out of your room and talked to folks. At this rate, you might actually develop social skills, and if you do, you win. I mean that sincerely. Next, take that great untrained voice of yours to a music conservatory and let somebody teach you how to use it before you hurt yourself and ruin your song forever. Howie points out that most opera singers have been properly trained. Andrew admits that his base musicianship is so poor the people hired to accompany him were about to tear their hair out.

So how does he sound? Well, he sounds like a crazily talented, untrained countertenor with great potential and rotten technique, as his voice soars quite beautifully through certain parts of Ave Maria and screeches at other parts. I really, really wish Prince Poppycock was here to do this right.

Howie: In this technique of singing, I think formal training is much more important than in pop music... Only Three People Can Go Through (DRINK!) and Howie hopes people vote for Andrew. (DRINK!) (That's one contestant that the judges have asked us to vote for.)

Howard: There are times when I feel the whole thing is getting a bit strange. You are a remarkable story, but I wish you had a little more training.

Sharon: Realizes that his wildcard performance was... "off." Then the wife of Ozzy Ozbourne suggests that Andrew take off his makeup and contact lenses so that people will take him more seriously.

Andrew stares at her like she just asked him to take off his clothes. The audience boos and Andrew tells us that the judges are all entitled to go fuck themselves. No, sorry, he thinks they entitled to their own opinion.

Nick introduces Todd Oliver, soon to be harassed by PETA for abusing his dog, Irving. People want pictures with the dog rather than with Todd. Howie points out that Todd's going to need decent material for this to work. Howard tells us that Todd needs to do topical jokes.

For this act, Todd has made himself the host of a talk show, the Todd Oliver Show. His first is that famous, funny mongrel, Irving, who does him the huge favor of not pooping on the couch. Todd has somehow learned how to write funny material, and by the time Irving is up to musing about Prince Harry's crown jewels, I am roaring, and so are the judges. The jokes are rapid fire and clever, and the audience is on its feet.

Sharon: We know who your daddy is, and he's right here. (Howard.)

Howie: You are possibly a headline act.

Howard: Not possibly. You ARE a headline act. But Only Three Acts Can Go Through. (DRINK!) Howard thinks this act should go through. (DRINK!) This is now the second person the judges have begged us to vote for.

Nick reminds us that Donovan and Rebecca are incredibly physically strong. Howie reminds us that they are strong. Howard reminds us that they are very strong. Donovan tells us that they are going to show us how strong Rebecca is. Gee, I hope this turns out to be a strong act.

They are. She is. They perform stunts that defy gravity. She does a handstand on his shoulder. She flies on her trapeze and lifts him into the air. They somehow turn into a human table, resting only on Rebecca's legs. They make my flabby abdomen muscles hurt, just watching them, and they end with a trick that I am surprised did not end up strangling them both.

Another standing ovation.

Howard: This is a spectacular, spectacular act. You are fabulous in person.... on TV, it doesn't translate so well.

Sharon: I've got some cheese, but I don't have a cheese grater. Can I rub it on your abs? I hope people pick up the phone and vote for you. (DRINK!) This is now the third act the judges have begged us to vote for.

Howie: With Only Three Acts Allowed to Go Through (DRINK!) you certainly deserve to be one of those three. (DRINK!)

Ok there are our three acts. I guess we are done here... wait.... there's more? But... I am already getting a little woozy...

After the break, the judges harass Nick as he tries to do his job, and we find that the next act is Edon, the Jewish kid, who is dealing with the idea that he's getting marriage proposals over the internet. Sharon says he loves what he does. Howie thinks he's got an old soul.

Edon sings "That's What Makes You Beautiful." By the time he's finished the first verse, I think he's toast, because the song begins much too low for him, but when he hits the chorus, his voice soars and a teenaged heartthrob is born. Take that, Justin Beiber. Chicks dig the yarmulke. The song choice is young and romantic and rather perfectly tuned towards preteen girls. I don't think he's going to advance any further, but I could see the producers smuggling him out of here and over to next spring's American Idol. If only the background music wasn't drowning him out.

My seven year old son begged me to vote for him.

Howie and Sharon are on their feet, and the audience is SCREAMING for this kid.

Howie: That was BEAU-TI-FUL! That was amazing! You are the best singer in the competition! Heh. I bet Andrew DeLeon loved hearing that.

Howard: Every thirteen - year - old girl is going to vote for you. I was a little bit bored by that song.

Sharon: I thought the song choice was spot on! You are amazing!

He is a personable, talented kid, but he's also the first act the judges have not actually begged us to vote for. There Can Only Be Three. Bye bye, Edon.

The Scott Brothers, a terrific dance act, have figured out that sob stories get votes, so they tell us that their mother had a stroke, and that this might be the last time she ever sees them perform. Gee, in the clip it looked like she was hanging in there pretty well, actually.... but never mind, because now they are painted grey, stiff among a set full of mannequins. Then they are doing their signature robot moves in unison as they escape from their store window and dance in perfect sync with each other. It is technically amazing... but it's not as much fun as their last dance.

Howard: It started to feel very similar. I don't think it's going to be good enough this time.

Sharon: Only Three Can Go Through (DRINK!) It's a really hard week.

Howie: What you need is one move, one move. I didn't see that one move tonight.

The judges have not begged us to vote for them. The Scott Brothers are toast.

We learn that Eric Dittleman has been asked to drop his first name. He's just "Dittleman" now, and we get a little too much information. He's living with his parents and he has no girlfriend. You would think a mind-reader would know what the chicks want...

Howard is standing on the stage to the side of the picture Dittleman created of him during the first audition. Dittleman tells Howard he's not going to look (but I bet he has somebody talking in his earpiece) as Howard chooses a green marker. Dittleman asks him to color in his face. Then Howard chooses an orange marker, which Dittleman doesn't look at, and Dittleman asks him to color in the sunglasses. Howard chooses a blue marker, and Dittleman, his back still to Howard, has him color in his hair. Howard picks up a red marker, and Dittleman has him add devil horns and facial hair.

Not content with shocking Howard, Dittleman gets America into the act by asking us to think of a geometric shape, like a square.... but not that. Now think of another shape around that. OK, so I am thinking of a shape that is not a square, and then of another shape around it... how about.... a triangle with a circle around it? Yep. That's what he's got. He's got a triangle with a circle around it. I am going to guess that this is one of the more common configurations that comes up when test subjects are asked to perform this task. This is good research, not mind-reading, but he baffled me for a second because he "read" my mind correctly.

Oh, and when he takes the drape away from his version of Howard's picture, we see that he's preselected the same colors Howard used to color the same body parts: green skin, orange sunglasses, blue hair, red horns. The audience erupts in cheers. That's a pretty cool party trick, although they've explained how he did that on Television Without Pity.

Sharon: Diddle, diddle, diddleman. That is absolutely amazing.

Howie: What fascinates me most about is that you can control America, but you can't find a girlfriend or move out of your house. Only Three Acts Can Go Through (DRINK!). Get to your phones and vote! (DRINK!) Dittleman is the fourth act the judges have asked us to vote through on a night when we can only have three. (CHUG YOUR DRINK!)

Howard: I was not bored tonight with this. We have exceptional talent tonight on this stage. We are Only Voting Through Three Acts. (DRINK!) He deserves to go through! (CHUG YOUR DRINK!)

Dittleman has a standing ovation. He promises a finale for America.

After the break, it's Turf. We are reminded that he's even more of a sob story than Andrew DeLeon - living on the streets, contorting his limbs for the amusement of others, scraping along in poverty, and Howie informs us that nobody wants it more or is hurting themselves more to get this than Turf is. Maybe, Howie, but it hurts me to watch him disjoint himself, and I still would rather pass. Turf feels like he has to win the competition or... he'll starve to death? Dude, I think you have kind of made your fortune already. You are the most famous contortionist in America now. Ringling Brothers will be calling.

Sharon thinks he needs to dance more in his act, and Turf wants to oblige her. He has indeed thrown in a couple of very simple dance moves to go with the whole grotesque human pretzel schtick, and he does have one very cool moment when he does a back flip. There are lasers flashing around to make the whole thing more exciting, and he ends the show on his back.

Howie: You, to me, are the best dancer in the competition. (I disagree with this.) You need votes, and I want people to dial.... Turf is now the fifth act the judges have asked us to vote through on a night when we can only have three, and the third act for Howie alone. (CHUG YOUR DRINK!)

Howard: Only Three Acts Can Go Through. (DRINK!) Howard has figured out that Turf does the same act over and over again.

Sharon: You pulled me right back in again.

Turf reminds us that he's poverty stricken so that we will vote for him, and we go to commercial. Nick reminds us that There Are Only Three Spots. (DRINK!)

Bria Kelly was one of the less pathetic acts from the horrific Youtube night. She was not terrible on one of the worst nights of television I've ever watched, but as she goes into "Perfect" by Pink, I realize she'd have had a hard time getting through the initial rounds of the show and she's completely outclassed here. Maybe they can put her on American Idol with Edon.

Sharon: Uh, you've got a great voice.... but.... uh.... that song needs some emotion...

Howie: Tells her flatly that she made this semifinal round because everybody else during the Wild Card Show sucked. This week... not so much. The unlucky thing for you, talented lady, is that you are surrounded by super talent tonight. American Can Only Choose Three Acts. (DRINK!)

Howard: I think your voice did stand out. Technically, your voice was stronger than anybody else who sang tonight. (Notice that he does not suggest she should actually move on. He's just telling us that she's better than Edon and Andrew, which is true.) This girl is not moving on.

Joe Castillo wears a beret and draws beautiful pictures in the sand. He now has a huge amount of support for the beret. Joe tells us that he wants to tell epic stories in the sand. He is drawing to "Get Together" by the Youngbloods, and we watch a musical staff become two doves, and then two clasped hands. He adds more sand, and a face emerges. It is a child. The sun streams behind him, and then the sun becomes another face. Then the face is another person, hugging the child. I agree with Sharon. Given the other work that Joe has done on his website, I'm pretty sure the child is being embraced by Jesus. It's every bit as magical as every other performance he's given, but it's pretty much the same act.

Howard: This will be a tougher evaluation because Only Three Acts Can Go Through. (DRINK!) The audience is going to think they've seen all this before.

Sharon: That's not a bird! That's Jesus holding a baby! Everything is so good, I try to be better after I see what you do.

Howie: Howie accidentally compares Joe Castillo to the Beatles. I enjoy you each and every time, and I hope America... (gets drowned out by the crowd, but I think we should probably DRINK! for the sixth act the judges have asked us to vote for, and the fourth suggested by Howie.) I actually vote for this a couple of times, but only a few, because the act I've been waiting for is up.

William Close is in the house, and he's brought his Earth Harp. William goes for the sentimental vote by showing us his baby son, and Howard tells us he's the frontrunner. William wants to do well for his family. He's brought four new instruments because of the constant need to step it up, and his girlfriend is now in the act. William begins by playing his lady like she's a violin before moving on to this extraordinary harp of his. Girls bang on a unique twirling globe drum... thing... and singers sing an original song. The whole thing is new and different and gorgeous, and excuse me, but I need to stop to vote for a second...   I can't snark on this, or even describe it properly. The video will almost certainly be on the America's Got Talent website soon. Dude, I'd pay money to experience this live.

Howie: You are our favorite! You are deserving of winning the entire competition! But people have to vote! (DRINK!)    Only Three People Are Going Through Tonight. (DRINK!)

But Howie, you've already asked us to vote for Andrew and Donovan and Rebecca and Dittleman and Joe Castillo.... this Top Three is beginning to get a bit crowded. It's the seventh act they've asked us to vote for, and the fifth suggested by Howie. (CHUG A LUG!)

I am with Howie on this one, though. If that Earth Harp leaves tomorrow, I might just cry.

Sharon: I hope the people at home got the enormity of this. I cannot wait to see your next performance, and everybody's got to vote, vote, vote!   (DRINK!)

Howard: You are the frontrunner. You are doing it by the book and you are winning.

William explains that he's combining sculpture, architecture, dance, music, and the kitchen sink.

Tom Cotter talks about his dad supporting him. That's the best he can do for a sob story, since he's kind of a stable, workmanlike, professional guy. But he's got a cute gimmick. He's got ten categories written behind him, and he's going to pretend that he's relinquished control of his act. Of course, what he really has is ten 90 second sets, and he will perform whatever set Howie chooses for him. It's not quite the same as making jokes up on the spot, as he seems to be suggesting, but it's a good gimmick to get the gig started. Howie chooses college as the category, and Cotter feigns surprise. College? Not parenting? "Damn you, Dittleman!"

And with that rather clever joke, he is off and running into what is obviously a very well rehearsed, polished string of jokes about college life that features one huge laugh line after another. He gets in fourteen huge guffaws in ninety seconds.

Howie: OMG! It was like you've been rehearsing that bit for years. (He probably has, Howie.) You also deserve votes. (DRINK!) OK, we've been asked to vote for eight people now. It's the sixth suggested by Howie.

Howard puts Tom to the test by asking him to do a joke from one of the other categories. Politically incorrect? Can you do that? Yep. Homeless people used to be bums and next year we will call them "outdoorsmen."   He's got them all covered. Howard tells us that if Tom doesn't get the votes, there's something wrong with the show. (DRINK!)

Sharon: I really liked your material tonight. It was slightly more edgy, and I'm dirty.

Tom's stomach urges us to vote for eleven. I would, but I spent them all on the Earth Harp.

We end with The Academy of Villains. Crystal and C.J. inform us that they are in love. Then we learn that one of the dancers broke her kneecap, and that's their sob story as they begin to show us a troupe of very well synchronized dancing clowns. They are technically as good as the Scott Brothers, but there are more of them - 30 in fact. It ends with a shower of balloons.

Howie and Sharon stand. Howard does not.

Sharon: You remind me of a modern Buzby Berkeley. I just hope that everybody picks up the phone and votes for you. (DRINK!) Final tally: we've been asked to vote for nine of the twelve acts this evening. Edon, the Scott Brothers, and Bria have all got to feel very left out.

Howie: You are my favorite dance troupe I have ever seen in any season of America's Got Talent. VOTE AMERICA!!!!!   (DRINK!)

Howard: Only Three Can Go Through. (DRINK!!) I'm going to rain on this parade.   I was bored.

Who will move forward on America's Got Talent?

My rankings:

1. William Close and the Earth Harp
2. Joe Castillo
3. Tom Cotter
4.The Academy of Villains
5. Donovan and Rebecca
6.Scott Brothers
7.Todd Oliver
8. Dittleman
9.Bria Kelly
10. Edon
11. Andrew DeLeon
12. Turf

Remember... there can Only Be Three. If two of them are the Sob Story Twins, Andrew and Turf, I may throw a shoe at my TV.

Gleeality: And the Winner Is... Glee Project Recap

2012-08-15T22:15:00.001-07:00

The Glee Project 2. And the winner is... this guy. We all knew it was going to be a guy, really. When I left off on Part One of the Glee Project Finale Recap, the final three, Blake, Ali, and Aylin, had just finished filming a Prom Night video in which the Prom King had no queen, Aylin was changing in the girl's bathroom for no well defined reason, Damian McGinty was wandering around aimlessly, and Ali was the sluttiest girl on campus. Now we are reminded again that Ryan does not get to hand out prizes like Halloween candy this year. Only one person gets anything. And of course, it's gonna be this guy. Zach thinks it's the biggest prize on television. He may be right; may this year's winner use it better than the guys who won last year, because I am not absolutely certain it has changed their lives and their careers forever.

At least, with the stakes this high, they get to choose their own songs this time. Aylin is going with Adele - "Rolling in the Deep." She wants to be sassy and powerful. Ali has made the savviest song choice of the three of them. She knows her voice is nasal and annoying, but she's also got mad acting skills and great comic timing. She has correctly figured out that playing a well-defined, funny character is her best strategy. Blake has decided to sing "I'll Be" to show Ryan the many facets of his personality. Also, it does not require great vocal range; he can rock those five or six notes really well. Robert says that Ryan has not decided who he wants yet; it may be because Blake and Ali never get put in the Bottom Three so he's never seen either of them. Somebody needs to rethink that procedure. So, says Robert, it all comes down to what you do onstage tonight. Oh, and whether or not you have ovaries or testicles. I mean, seriously?   This is getting as bad as American Idol.   By the way, the audience is going to be crowded for their last songs. Ryan has invited Ian, other writers, several cast members (but not Chris Colfer, interestingly enough) and the kids they all beat to get here. (I am going to guess that Chris ran off to plug his book somewhere. His priorities are straight.)

Ali works on being a snotty popular girl in song while telling the camera that she cannot imagine going home empty-handed. I will refrain from snark here, because I feel badly for Ali. I suspect she does not get many chances at roles from her wheelchair, and I am beginning to agree that she's really funny in a way that Glee needs. This was a special opportunity for her in a way that it was not for the other two.

Aylin tells us that this is the biggest performance of her life, which is not really new information at this point.

Blake realizes that this boring song, which is all he can really sing well, is not going to be enough to win it for him. His package might win it for him, too, but he's not dwelling on that. Other than the fact that he's a marginally better singer than Cory Montieth, Blake does not really have much going against him. That's what is going against him. He's too damned competent for his own good, and he's got it too much together. How does he convince Ryan that he's a wounded mental case?   Blake has a plan. It turned out to be as effective as it was cheesy. Clever, clever boy.

It's time for the final songs. We see Darren Criss in the audience, sitting in for Chris Colfer, who has gone AWOL. Amber is there to cut anybody who mangles Adele. Dianna is there to look pretty. Grant Gustin is there to look forbidding in geeky glasses. Ian ushers in the writers, and Ryan speechifies as they all take their seats. He wants them all to help him make up his mind. The man with the titanium spine, Ryan Murphy.

Aylin thinks that she needs to prove to Ryan that she can handle the pressure of being an iconic character.    Blake thinks that this could be the one "no" he can't take.

Ali wheels out first, pretty in pink, considering her predicament as a musical comedy performer in a wheelchair. The chair closes doors to her. This door is open, if she can just roll through it. So she tries... with what I genuinely think was the best song of the three, even though I was not rooting for her and I don't care for her nasal voice. She's got the condescending sneer of Glinda's attitude down perfectly and her comic timing is right on. When she "pops" her wheelchair on "pop"ular, I laughed as hard as anybody. If she could walk, she'd be cast in Wicked as Glinda in an instant. It's just the right song for her. Even her blonde hair is working for her here.   She gets a well-earned standing ovation. Ryan thinks she's a great source of light and optimism. She thanks Ryan for this opportunity. Gracious girl. I am becoming glad she got to the end.

Blake is next. He promises to show us something different in him that we have not seen before, and then begins a competent rendition of this very easy song. We don't see anything new from Blake that we have not seen before... until he pulls out his secret weapon.   Ryan snidely asks if his little microphone trick is the new thing we haven't seen before, but it's not. Blake... wrote a poem, a tribute to himself.   It's actually an amateur, Blake-written continuation of "I'll Be." It's a mediocre poem, and an amazingly brilliant strategy.

I’m the guy who will persist in his path,
I’m the guy that will make you laugh.
I’m the guy who tries to be open,
I’m the guy who’s been heartbroken.
I’m the guy that’s been on his own,
I’m the guy who felt alone.
I’m the guy who’ll hold your hand,
I’m the guy who will stand up and be a man.
I’m the guy who tries to make things better,
I’m the guy who’s the whitest half Cuban ever.
I’m the guy who’s lost more than he’s won,
I’m the guy who has turned but never spun.
I’m the guy that you couldn’t see,
I’m that guy,
And that guy is me.
- Blake Jenner

Game. Set. Match. This is where he did it, by amplifying an ordinary musical performance with a very closely matched personal comment like this one. And yes, the whitest half-Cuban comment was a nice, funny touch. Blake's delivery is better than his lyrics, and he's got Mario in tears before he's even done. So is everybody else, apparently. OK, congratulations, Blake, we expect you to be on the set at 5 a.m. on... oh, wait.

Aylin hasn't sung yet. Maybe we should let her do that, huh? I mean, Charlie's back there watching and he can barely contain himself. Aylin comes on, believing that all she has to do is sing her heart out. Unfortunately, she has not written a poem and she's not funny. She's singing like a boss, but that's all she's doing. The most interesting thing to watch as she kills this song is the look in Charlie's proud eyes as he watches her. Amber Riley really likes it, too. Folks are on their feet as she finishes this passionate performance (which comes without humor or a poem) and Aylin promises that Mama is OK with her one-shoulder dress. I suspect that if Mama has not grounded her by now, it's not happening. Aylin wants to promise America that she is prepared to deal with the pressure, and as she runs off the stage, we hear her say, happily, "I remembered the words! I remembered the words!" That may actually have been the human, vulnerable comment that could have won this for her if Ryan had heard it.

Now Ryan, the Great Decider, needs ask everybody else who they think should win, beginning with... the cast. Darren Criss thinks that Ali's got the "je ne sais quo". I know what that phrase means and I know what she's got: she's funny and she's developed a character that is not her. Dianna is also rooting for Ali because Kevin can get up and walk. She can't, but she's still talented. Dianna wants to see the Disabled Character done right. Camera shifts to Charlie. He's looking kind of anxious.

Grant Gustin jumps on the growing Ali bandwagon. He thinks her heart and expression is beautiful. At this point, Ali Adler intervenes. She saw a boy become a man in Blake. A star is born. His honesty got to her... yep, it was the poem. Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa was similarly moved. In literary terms, Blake's poem is not really very good, and I am amused at the gushing coming from the Glee writers, but it was pretty raw and honest. That's all that saves Glee sometimes; occasionally it reaches a moment of emotional depth because of the cast.

Michael Hitchcock likes Ali. Samuel Larsen likes Ali... why is Ryan asking you, exactly? He thinks that Ali made him forget they were watching a competition; it was just fun. Charlie begins to look absolutely frantic. Erik thinks past the Last Chance performances they just saw and remembers that Blake has been consistently excellent all season long... and Charlie just can't take it anymore.

Please note this: Charlie is the only expelled cast member who got to say a SINGLE WORD this entire episode. He spoke earlier, and he pours his heart out now. Somebody, somebody, SOMEBODY is going to stand up for Aylin! Even if it's a man in love. The kid who got in trouble for being too much himself throws out a passionate plea. Maybe she's not the best actor... well, she's not, Charlie, please don't remind them... but you can get her there! Charlie thinks the girl he loves can take the bridge of fear and intolerance that has defined the post 9/11 decade... good gravy, if I'm in a pinch and I want one of these kids on my side, I might just want Charlie Lubock. Ryan notes that Charlie has gotten emotional. Yeah, he loves her Ryan. Watch the reruns. It's pretty damned sweet.   Heh. I finally found an OTP that isn't crack and sticks, and it's real and it's a couple of Glee Project rejects. Holy heck, I think Charlie's about to cry. Amber decides to help him out by praising Aylin on Adele. Damian also roots for Aylin, which makes me conflicted at best.

Ryan decides that everybody's basically pretty split. This means he actually has to make a decision himself. Meanwhile, Aylin, who has not seen her man walk into the lion's den to try to save her, wants to throw up. Zach thinks that Ali IS Glee. She's inspirational. Code: She's overcoming an obstacle. Nikki reminds us that people watch Glee for the uplifting feeling they get, and I want to know her take on Kurt's storyline this year.

Ryan realizes the Ali lovefest has gone on long enough, and he's ready to discuss Aylin, if only so Charlie does not rampage the editing room and demand a reappraisal. Robert thinks she has an amazing voice. Ryan liked the fact that Amber like Aylin. Ian thinks this is a great story. He's right -she's got the most relevant story of the three. The only one who does not have a story.... is Blake. But he also does not have a uterus.

Ryan wants to talk about the contestant who does not have a uterus. I will give Blake this. He is worthy. He is GOOD. Zach agrees, calling him the fastest, most adaptive actor that he has worked with. Zach thinks they can do more with Blake than with anybody else. Since he does not have a specific angle - he is not The Muslim or the Inspirational Handicapped Person - this is strangely true.   If they go with Blake, it's only because he's really good.   That might just be a reason worth defending. Robert thinks he's a star, and I actually agree with them. Basic competence as a strategy. What an idea!

Ryan is conflicted. He can't cope, ya'll. He was expecting somebody like Chris Colfer to hit him in the face, but.... YOU CANNOT MANUFACTURE CHRIS COLFER, RYAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   You got unbelievably lucky one damned time, and you cannot order the fates to do it again.   In the meantime, three capable people have bravely presented themselves. Make up your damned mind, or argue with the Oxygen people to let you cast them all.   Get a side gig for Aylin. I think you should give her an articulate and passionately devoted boyfriend with autism and aspergers. I'm just saying... you've missed the best story this year. But I digress.

Ryan still has to decide. Chris Colfer is not among the nominees. This process does not really work exactly as he hoped. He has to choose a mere mortal. When Ryan tells them that some of the heartfelt tributes would make them cry, they shoot to Charlie, the Reject Who Was Allowed To Speak. Last year was easier; Ryan got to reward everybody. This year, he can't, and he's losing half his cast in a situation where he needed two or three pieces of new blood.

Charlie is still looking very apprehensive. He wants this even more than she does....

So Ryan makes his decision. He goes with consistent excellence, cleverly placed poetry, and testicles. He chooses...

So good luck to him. May he create a character who is actually memorable this time. I watched the season this year. I watched him rise. I genuinely hope he creates a character we love, one we embrace as much as we did Kurt. Blake is not the most adventurous choice they could have gone with, and I don't know how inspirational he is, but he's actually really talented. Damien and Samuel were failures. Blake has a talent they do not have. He's actually a good actor. I sincerely this is enough to anchor the potential mess that will be the McKinley choir room.

And Ryan... see if you can sneak the Conservative Muslim and her ADHD Boyfriend on sometime, OK. Because dude, Blake is a worthy guy, but that romance was THE story of your season.

Gleeality - The Glee Project Finale Recap

2012-08-15T00:18:00.000-07:00

Fourteen contestants....ten weeks... so many rehashes of songs rehashed better on Glee that I've lost count... but there can be only one winner of The Glee Project, because Oxygen says so. Who will it be? The world is yawning with anticipation. May Ryan Murphy choose better this year than he did last year - although, to be absolutely honest, I think that became a certainty the moment Michael left the room.

Our Final Three are on the set enthusing about how this is Finale Week on the Glee Project. It's not a natural conversation; I'd bet money they were ordered to shoot this and they are doing improv. Ali tells us that she is still in Competition Mode as she grabs Aylin's hand. Blake explains to us that they are all doing Last Chance songs at the end of the episode, because... Last Chance songs are the best way to showcase yourself in front of the audience and in front of Ryan, and that's been true all year. It is crazy that this wonderful opportunity to strut your stuff is generally offered only to people who have screwed up and need to leave. Blake can taste the victory now; he remembers, although for much of this episode I actually forgot, that Ryan Murphy prefers men to women - and not just in bed. Ryan is not inspired by uteruses, and it shows on Glee's depiction of all female characters.

Aylin tells us that she wants to win so that she can show Muslim women that it's not a sin to be like her. Aylin, honey, that's not why you want to win. That's why Ryan might pick you, but it's not why you want to win. You want to win because you want to break into show business, and that would be true if you were an Indian Hindi or an Irish Catholic.

Robert tells them that the theme for this final week is "Gleeality", which means that they've completely run out of attributes to pretend to exploit and adjectives to mangle. Their final homework assignment is "You Can't Stop the Beat" from Hairspray, which sends them off into fits of screeching joy. They would have that reaction if they were told to sing a medley of nursery rhymes. "Three Blind Mice? That's awesome!" They will perform for Robert and one final guest from the regular Glee cast - one of Glee's biggest stars. Gee, I wonder if that means they will be asking the guy who plays Brad the Piano Player to mentor this week. Fortunately - at least for me - the answer is no.   To make sure they have a killer final Homework Project, Robert has provided them with some very special back-up vocalists. Ten of them, in fact. (One did not come back for this.) Remember all those people you defeated so soundly, who curse your names in their sleep?

They're baaaaa-ack!

The very first face through the door, racing even faster than pushy, aggressive Lily.... is Charlie, beaming like a guy who just found his way back to his girl. As the three finalists screech in what I think may be actual, genuine surprise and delight for once, all the former contestants flood the room and the camera is very careful to capture the exact moment that Charlie grabs Aylin like a precious treasure. "AAAAHHHHHH we're back, bitches!" cheers Charlie. He may have been a pain in the ass, but it's clear here that they recognize what a character he is. They show us Blake hugging Lily and Ali hugging Dani and Blake hugging Mario and Charlie kissing Aylin and Abraham hugging Ali and Charlie making out with Aylin and Blake hugging Michael and Aylin escaping from Charlie long enough to say hello to Nellie. But that's just temporary. Aylin is so happy to see Charlie that there's a little trill in her voice, and it's all pretty adorable.

Then rehearsal begins, and Ali takes over completely. Ah, this is what she means by Competition Mode. She feels like she's being bossy, and she certainly is, but it's very clear she's trying to make sure she gets a big, fat showcase in this number, and really - who can blame her? It really is, in the end, about her chance to show off so that she can win. She's a talented girl in a wheelchair. I suspect that chances like this are very rare for her; indeed, it could be her only shot. Aylin doesn't even mind. She does not know how to direct; Ali can do it, as far as she's concerned, even if Ali does set this up to showcase Ali.

Robert greets the entire cast, now back in the choir room. I do not see Taryn, but everybody else is there. When he says "We missed you," the camera stops on... you got it, Charlie. Yes, we missed Charlie. At least, I missed Charlie.

Our final guest today is directly to blame for the creation of the Glee Project. They actually come out and say that he's the inspiration for this whole mess. Vote Unicorn. They caught lightning in bottle once with him, and are convinced they can recapture that magic artificially as part of a reality show. Good luck with that, folks. This guy is not a reality show winner. He's one in a million.   Yes, you may proceed with the hysterical screaming and jumping up and down now, Glee Project cast. If he breaks into Single Ladies, please feel free to pass out.

It's Chris Colfer. "Chris Colfer is a big deal", Ali informs us. Yep, yep, yep. His character on Glee has touched so many people, has won so many awards, has inspired so many fanfics, has cried almost nonstop for two seasons...

Last year, the final mentor was Ryan Murphy. Chris' position here spells out his importance to the Glee organization. Not bad for a kid who was in danger of being turned aside because he did not fit the role he auditioned for originally. Chris graciously tells them that he does not know how they handle the pressure - because Chris never deals with pressure or tight schedules, oh, no. Robert reminds us, yet again, that Chris is the inspiration for the Glee Project. He was so wonderful during a normal audition process that he inspired Ryan Murphy to write a character for him, and now they've been trying to turn a moment of magic into a reality show staple. Yes, this is how we got Rory Flanagan, Joe Hart, and Unique.

Rory Flanagan. Joe Hart. Unique. Kurt Hummel. One of these things is not like the others, one of these things is actually a great idea played to perfection by a legendary talent. Good luck, Glee Project winner this year.

Chris has the top three reveal themselves, and they begin to sing We Can't Stop the Beat. The song begins with a Blake solo that gets almost completely blared out by the background music. I can't hear a word he sang. Aylin gets her solo and it's a very little bit better; I can make out the words this time, but she's still fighting to be heard. Then... it's Ali's turn. She gets to deliver the laugh line, and everybody else moves aside to give her center stage as she sings her solo without any backup singers. She's crystal clear, very easy to hear. Yes, I see what you did there, girl. Well played, Ali.   It might be the kind of tactic you'd find on Survivor, but if you really talked those other two nincompoops into fighting to be heard against a busy background while giving yourself a real showcase spotlight... more power to you. For the first time, I wonder if she can actually win this thing. Then we go back to the chorus, and Blake sings with a ravenous focus and intensity that I find both impressive and startling. I am amused to see that Ali's choreography ends with her in the middle, flanked by Aylin and Blake on either side. She is clearly center stage, in star mode. Ah, this is Competition Mode.

Chris critiques. Well, no, Chris just praises. He praises Blake's impressive intensity and Aylin's determination to be heard over the din. He praises Ali for creating a character for herself. And who does he pick as the Homework Winner? Well, it's very simple, Robert. All three of these people have won the Homework Assignment exactly once; therefore, he cannot choose one of them to win it again. They all win! Ryan can't say that this time, so Chris will instead! YOU get to be mentored and YOU get to be mentored and YOU get to be mentored! By Chris Colfer! Now, isn't that better than a car? Please say yes, or Ryan will force his character to cry again. Chris is going to mentor all three of these buffoons through the last video shoot for the last song - "Tonight, Tonight. " Yeah, OK, everybody jump up and down out of joy. Got it.

The concept: It's high school prom, and somebody has tampered with the votes for Prom Queen, because that is what happens at prom at McKinley... No, let's see. Aylin is sneaking out to Prom against her parent's wishes... apparently Muslim Girls from Conservative Families are not allowed to go to Prom. Blake is Finn 2.0 - er, Prom King. Chris throws in a piece of snark so good it's worthy for me to steal - Blake's playing a popular but humble Prom King.... a fictional character. Ali gets to be a flirty mean girl. The Final Three will also get to choose the last song they want to sing for Ryan.

Zach begins the choreography session by hissing that this cast, which lacks proper Danceability, looks best when they are not dancing together. So, he teaches them a line dance, which as far as I can tell mostly involves them dancing together. Ali finds this dance very challenging from her wheelchair. Zach figures out that you really can't do these moves from a wheelchair and partners her with Michael to make up for it. Michael?!   Zach reminds the losers to try even though they aren't competing, and then asks for a group hug.

Vocals with Nikki - Blake begins his time in the studiio by straining so hard, and so out of tune, that I fear she's going to throw him out. It's too high for him. He does a little better on the verse, but vocally... he's pretty much Finn 2.0. Nikki thinks Blake can sell a party track; they are clearly already looking at potential ITunes sales.

Aylin sounds good, but she doesn't have the lines memorized. Nikki sneers that it took Aylin a second to get there... because she didn't have the lines memorized. Oh, Nikki, go away. I will be glad not to see you anymore. Blake screams a great performance out of his vocal range and Aylin took a second to get there because she did not know the words. Bite me.

Ali squeaks her verse with all the nasal intensity we've come to expect from her. Nikki thinks she's great. Now, let's have our backup girl group, the Also-Rans! The boys have a similar group, the Studmuffin Rejects. Boy, there sure are a lot more guys than girls!

Then, they get to dish about the mentoring skills of Chris Colfer. Aylin thought he was nice and insightful. Chris warns them that they will be singing their Last Chance sings for the rest of their lives, just like Single Ladies... No, Chris.   Their Last Chance songs were all very nice and competently done. Single Ladies was a phenomenon for the ages. They are not you. And that's... it for his insightful mentoring session. "Choose a song you like!" Ooooooookaaaay.

Now it's time for the video shoot. Robert informs us that everything these three do will be judged.... that's clearly never happened before. We have Aylin slipping off an ordinary jacket to reveal a sexy prom dress in the girl's bathroom; the mentors muse about how her pop voice could be an asset to the show. Zach wonders if she can handle the prospect of being a potentially iconic Muslin character - they really expect the winner to be Chris Colfer! I don't know how she can prove to Ryan that she can take the pressure of that situation by singing her Last Chance song well.

Blake is singing about how his girlfriend cheated on him while Robert reminds us that this kid is consistently solid and reliable. He puts on his Prom King crown and stage dies into a crowd of extras. Zach echoes the fact that Blake is reliable, but thinks he might be too much of a traditional leading man. Nikki reminds him that Blake could possibly play something more. Blake's genuinely, you know, talented.

Ali looks splendid and sexy in pink. The mentors note that she's a great talent as an actress, and she applies the direction she's given. Zach's afraid she will seem forced.

As we watch the entire cast dancing at the prom, Robert informs us that this is the most important group number for the Top Three. They really are good at stating the obvious. In the middle of the Prom shoot, Eric introduces a special guest.... it's Damian McGinty. I am not sure how the appearance of a Glee Project winner who basically bombed and got written off the show is going to be inspiring, but this was recorded before we found out Damian was getting canned.   Damian does give them a good piece of advice. They can't lose anything now. They can only gain something.

In the actual video, we see a chandelier. Then we see Shanne primp. Prom King Blake puts on his crown as he moans about his awful week... we get the idea that the girlfriend who cheated on him was Ali. Aylin dumps the casual clothes she was wearing for her prom dress and glamorous hairdo. Blake bodysurfs in the crowd. All three of them.... swing. Inside. Swing? Ali flirts with various members of the Studmuffin Rejects as Blake shrugs. Aylin decides to be the DJ. Damian appears in the video in a spotlight that's not well - defined. The overall message is that they are all having fun at Prom, and Blake and Ali are fine singing together even though they just broke up because she's a skank.   And then we have line dancing. I notice that they have Dani dancing in a suit with the boys. It is not made particularly clear that Aylin is a Turkish Muslim from a Conservative Family who Snuck Out of the House to go to Prom. She's a chick who changed clothes in the bathroom.   Blake never does get his Prom Queen. I was kind of hoping it would be Aylin, to tie her into the little drama going on with Blake and his ex-girlfriend Ali.   Aylin is a little sad when they wrap the last video. Ali reminds us that we will find out... tomorrow... who has won a spot on Glee.

And I will finish this... tomorrow. Glee Project Recap: And the Winner Is.

Glee Spoiler News - The Breakup!

2012-08-14T17:15:00.000-07:00

Glee spoilers have been flying crazily in the past couple of weeks as filming resumes and we get photos, tweets, and news from the cast. Some of these are already almost common knowledge:

1. Sue is going to have a baby girl named Robin. She has Down Syndrome.

2. Rachel's new teacher is played by Kate Hudson. Rachel faces challenges she's never had to deal with before as she finds out that other people are as talented as she is.

3. Rachel has a new love interest named Brody, played by Dean Geyer.

Watch out, Finn. He's pretty sexy. Wonder if he can sing?

4. There will be another Britney Spears tribute episode, because you can never have too many of those, unless you totally can. Wet Paint is promising the most bizarre performance ever. What, stranger than Will performing "A Little Less Conversation" in Spanish while wearing a matador outfit?

5. Kurt does get to New York by the second episode. Rachel looks pretty happy to see him. I'm happy to see him out of Lima.

6. The Glee cast will sing "Call Me Maybe" in the season premiere.

Oh, and something else happens. What is it? It's in episode four, which is called. "The Breakup." So.... who breaks up? Well, this is the biggie, and it's got people throwing hysterical tantrums up and down the internet, but if you don't want to know, don't follow after the jump.

It's Klaine. Ryan Murphy has officially found yet another reason to make Kurt cry.

It's funny; when Klaine got together, I cheered so loud the neighbors probably heard me. Now that they are breaking up - at least temporarily - I feel... nothing. The pairing was beginning to stagnate. I was getting very tired of listening to the show tell us why Kurt was so much Blaine's inferior, and how grateful he ought to be that Blaine condescended to date him at all. There will be potential for more stories for both of them if they are not tied to each other from halfway across the country. Actually... I think it might be a really good episode. I notice that Finn and Rachel have a serious conversation in New York as well. Last year, we had these two couples mirroring each other during The First Time, and now they may be doing it again during The Breakup. It made for good TV last year. We will see what happens on Glee the day that Klaine breaks up.

"Actability" - Glee Project Recap

2012-08-09T23:03:00.000-07:00

We are almost at the end of The Glee Project 2, and after this week's results I can say this with great joy and relief: the winner is not going to be absolutely terrible and I am not going to throw anything at my television. Well, no, I don't say this with great joy - more like mild satisfaction and something slightly more positive than indifference. Still, we got rid of a bitchy irritant and a block of wood this week, so next week won't suck. Actually, since the ousted people are all returning next week to meet Chris Colfer, I am really looking forward to it. But we have to get through this week's amateur acting lessons worthy of Podunk Community Theater, so let's soldier on and put this week's losers in our rear view mirror. Oh, wait, they will be back next week with Nellie, Dani and Charlie. Nuts.

The theme this week is "Actability", as opposed to "Acting ability" which has been rejected as a title because it makes sense and isn't impossibly cutesy. The kids are gushing about how the finale is next week, so that we don't forget to watch. How do they feel about being down to five people? They all say it's amazing. What were they going to say? "Well, Robert, I have created four voodoo dolls, I've hidden them in my locker, and I'm not afraid to use them."

Robert tells them all that they have to be a triple threat to be on Glee. They have to have three skills: singing, dancing, and acting. By that, he means that the current Glee cast members each have to be really exceptional at one skill and willing to regularly show the world how bad they are at one or both of the other two. I think the only genuine triple threats on Glee are Naya, Matthew, Lea, and to a lesser extent, Chris. None of the Glee Project winners from last year, except Lindsey, are triple threats.

Robert also reminds us that the most important skill on Glee is "Actability." I agree with his assessment, if not with his vocabulary choices; there's a reason why Cory Montieth is a more valuable cast member than Amber Riley, who outsings him, and Heather Morris, who dances rings around him, put together. He's got the skill that keeps the show from falling apart completely. However, Glee has not been putting a lot of emphasis on acting ability and I wonder if it's too late to start now.

Michael thinks that this is Blake's week. He's Blake's inferior shadow and he knows it.

The homework assignment this week is "Addicted to Love" by Robert Palmer. Michael is the only one who burst out with the contractually required enthusiastic cheer; none of the others have ever heard of this song. Excuse me... I have to go take my Geritol. Eep. They each get to pick their parts, and with so many people gone, they all get a verse. This means the mentors have to come up with new and better ways to make sure the delivery is contrived and unconvincing.

Ali tells us that if you can't act, you should not be on Glee. I agree with her, but... um... sweetie, have you ever watched scenes that didn't involve Lea, Cory, Chris, or any of the cast members playing adults? There's a lot of people on Glee who shouldn't be on Glee, and three of them won the Glee Project last year. Just sayin'.

According to Robert, the guest mentor this week is a serious triple threat. Uhhhhhh.... as Sue Sylvester herself has pointed out, this mentor's got a "weak, forgettable alto" and her acting ranges from almost painful to somewhat capable. Oh, but she's dazzlingly beautiful and she's able to play a dancing Cheerio. Does that make her a Triple Threat? She's one of Glee's "most iconic" characters. That is true, if by "most iconic" you mean "most royally screwed up." She's representing acting skills... is she the best person for the job? Well, Cory's already been here... Lea was first... Jane's been by already...Naya came by to be sexy... Chris is next week... uh... well... I guess she'll do. There were several worst options. It's Dianna Agron, carrying baby supplies and looking maternal.

"She's really pretty" drools Blake.

Robert thinks that Dianna has had more changes in her character than anybody else on Glee. Yes, Quinn's had the most wildly inconsistent writing of all of them. How kind of you to notice! They are all going to show off their "actability" with one of the worst exercises I have seen yet on the Glee Project. He's got a set of flash cards, each of which have an emotion written on them. There's one emotion per contestant. When you see the emotion assigned to you, you have to show that emotion - whether it fits in with the song you are singing in any way at all or not. They will not be showing how they interpret words to reveal the inner truth of the scene they are showing us; they will be plastering on fake, over the top emoking with no connection to anything else that's going on.

Great acting exercise, Glee.

Michael gets to frown and set his jaw as he looks Determined.
Lily gets to whimper and look a little sick instead of Scared.
Blake gives them a stare that could melt rock to show how Angry he is.
Aylin gets to be Anxious, which is really kind of close to Scared for my liking.
Ali! Gets! To be! Excited! Which means she's the Only! Girl! Who Stands Out!

This is not a fair assignment, since some of the emotions were easier to project with this song than others, and none of it's convincing - except Ali, since she's pretty much like that all the time.

Dianna thinks Michael's expression when he saw the card was fantastic.
Lily didn't take it far enough.
Dianna liked Blake's.... aggression.... grrrrrrrr, tiger....
Aylin was better at being insecure than Lily was.
Ali! Is! Always! Excited! So this worked!

Dianna tells us that she thinks the Homework Winner should be either Michael or Ali. Yeah, well, Ali's won before, Michael hasn't, you know the drill. Too predictable. Michael tells us that this is the first time he's won. Yes, Michael, you were the very last one to win the Homework assignment. There's a reason. Michael gets to gaze at Dianna one on one for awhile, and everybody will be rehearsing ways to misuse "Perfect" so badly Pink's going to storm the set and demand that Glee never touch any of her songs again.

The premise is excruciating. They will be turning "Perfect" into a movie trailer for the most over-the-top bundle of angst-ridden contrived shlock I've seen in awhile. I hope they don't fall in love with this storyline it and make it part of the show next year. They are all high school kids growing up in a small town.... playing the roles that I suspect Ryan Murphy means to give them if they win. This is basically their screen tests.

Aylin is a Turkish girl from a conservative family... yeah, no kidding. Never saw that one coming. Oh, wait, she's pregnant. Gee, that's new and different, huh?

Blake's the quarterback who knocked her up. He's also a douchebag. Of course, he has to be, because Michael's been chosen to be the nice guy who loves Aylin and worships Blake. Oh, look. Love triangle. More narrative innovation.

Ali doesn't get to be in the love triangle. Sniff. No, she gets to mourn the loss of her Olympic dreams along with the loss of her legs, and it's all Lily's fault. They will be improvising short scenes on the shoot. Nope, they don't get any scripts. No words on the page to memorize. Will this be any real test of their "actability?"

Nikki wears so much mascara I can barely see her eyes. That has always bothered me. She expects them to delve into the truth of their characters... while singing lyrics that have nothing to do with the scenarios they are playing out. She wants to hear the story! Aylin, you are singing it! Don't do that! Blake concentrates on the emotional truth and goes off-key. Ali approaches it like an actor. Lily is fairly convincing, especially when she says, "Why do I do that?" She's tied it in to her feelings about being overweight, apparently.

On the day of the actual shoot, Erik gives out instructions. Lily and Ali have the awful assignment of trying to work through the idea that Lily has caused Ali's career ending injury with no specific dialogue except the word "perfect." The result is stilted, inane, and boring until Erik orders them to get to the point... and then the result is melodramatic and phony and all about Lily's guilt, and not about the word "perfect." Gee, guys, maybe she'd do better if she had a script to work with? Cast members don't usually have to improvise the dialogue on Glee. She is practicing a skill set she will not use.

Robert's excited because they want to see pleasant, good-natured Blake play a bad guy, and soon we see why. Unlike Lily and Ali, Blake is actually really convincing as he screams at Aylin in a jealous rage, and I am... holy cow, am I actually impressed by one of these kids? What a cool thing. Yes, really good, Blake.

We saw Blake fight with Aylin; now he's going to fight with Michael. Michael contemplates the idea that he has to prove he deserves to be here, and hopes that his sessions with Dianna will help. She helps him work through his character's backstory; interestingly, we learn that some of Michael's friends are a bit backstabbing, and he's able to channel that for this story.

Blake's still a lot more believable and effective as he grabs Michael (who is blurting, "Ah love her! Ah love her!") by the collar and hurls him into bales of hay that are randomly lying around.

Robert's commentary basically is, "Blake is SO present, and wonderful, and Michael, he was... uh... sure, he was good, I guess."

Aylin tells us that her fictional conservative Muslim parents are going to react to the fact that she's pregnant by making her put on traditional Muslim dress and "go back to the conservative life", whatever that means. Given that her character is a pregnant unwed teenager, it is probably best not to think about that very hard, because in some families having to wear head covering would be the least of her troubles. As Aylin puts on the hijab, however, she begins to cry. It's not the character crying - it's her. Aylin says she's fought this her whole life and it was hard to put the headdress on. That's kind of thoughtful and affecting - certainly much more so than the cheesy scene that follows, in which she steps into a car, weeping in her modest dress, as Michael begs her not to go. Uh, buddy, she does not have a choice. That's... kind of the point. And as the car pulls the way, he screams out a frantic, gutteral "STEEEEEEELLLLLLAAAA", oh, no, sorry, "AAAAAAAYLIIIIIIIIINNNNN!"

Robert thinks this video is going to be fantastic. Or fantastically cheesy. Picking the bottom three is going to be so difficult...who deserves to go straight to the finale? Besides Blake, I mean. So, of course, they go for the cop-out.

The trailer itself is really a disorganized mess. We've got one fairly well defined story of two close friends fighting over the same girl, and then suddenly Lily's crying over Ali and Ali's throwing a gold medal in the lake, and then just as soon as we decide Lily's story is somehow about Ali, it's suddenly about her putting on a blue and white dress she found in the attic. "In love's eyes, we are all perfect" the trailer tells us, and I decide I really am not interested in this movie and would not pay nine dollars to see it in a theater. Please do not make it a Glee episode. I'm begging, here.

And then, one last time, they are in the auditorium awaiting their executions. The mentors are all feeling very emotional. They are truly, truly verklempt - so much so that they have decided to give each of these kids a very, very special last gift. There will be no Bottom Three this week. Everybody gets the same shot. There will be a Bottom Five instead. They are ALL on the chopping block, and they ALL have to perform a Last Chance performance for Ryan and the gaggle of writers he's bringing in to look them over and see if they inspire any creative impulses.

The reason that this is actually a gift, of course, is because the whole Bottom Three conceit of the Glee Project is deeply flawed at the core. The winner will be chosen based on who inspires Ryan Murphy to write them a character. In order for them to inspire Ryan, he must see them and talk to them. In order for him to see them and talk to them, they must be in the Bottom Three and in danger of going home. It is actually a distinct disadvantage to be so consistently good that you are never in danger. That is actually the real inequality these mentors are quite effectively fixing by making them all sing.

Lily gets to sing "Son of a Preacher Man."

Michael gets "Girls Just Want to Have Fun." This was awful even when Cory did it. It is the exact moment that I decide they've had just about enough of Michael and want him gone three weeks ago.

Ali is singing "Here's to Us".

Blake will be channeling his best Elton John with "I'm Still Standing." He is flummoxed; he does not know the song.

Aylin is going with "Fighter" by Christine Aguilera. She knows it - and at least she won't have to sing it in the shower.

The kids all discuss how they feel about this situation. The most interesting comments: Lily thinks this week is more important than the finale...no, probably not. Michael, one hour into his rehearsal on this song, realizes he's screwed. The other three offer various versions of "Oh, the pressure!" and "I want to win!"

Ryan shuffles six of the writers who haven't deserted him yet into the auditiorium. They are looking at these final five kids to determine - not who is the most talented or the most skilled, but who inspires them to write a story. What if the answer is, "None of them, Ryan. Chris Colfer was an unusual situation. We can't force the magic, and last year, we failed miserably when we tried"?

Michael is up first. Robert says Michael has grown a lot over the competition. Funny, he does not look any taller to me. He's got to sing Cyndi Lauper's anthem to female independence as if it were a dirge, and it makes even less sense than it did when Cory sang it.

Lily is next. Robert thinks she's become a more natural actress. She belts it out as if she's really met and been romanced by this son of a preacher man, and it's lively and fun and she sounds great. Ian thinks she might be a good person to write for, but thinks she might be hard to direct. Yes, she might, Ian. Nikki turns the knife, pointing out that Lily cannot take constructive criticism.

Robert thinks Ali is a very good actress, but Ryan didn't see her do well in the video. Of course, it's because Lily wasn't giving her her cues, but all Ryan cares about is that he was not inspired. Ali bubbles out and belts out her song in a manner both enthusiastic and nasal, and her vibrant personality appeals to everybody. Ian has decided her character should be a promiscuous bitch, since we don't have any of those on Glee, and Ryan informs us that when creating disabled characters, he feels their impairments should be the least prominent thing about them. That sounds like a refreshing new perspective for him that differs greatly from what he's done before with Artie and Becky, and it might be interesting to see if he means it. He probably doesn't.

Robert tells them, point blank, that Blake is the best actor. He is the best actor during "Actability" week, on a show where they suddenly feel that acting chops are the most important skill to have. Think he's going on? His version is playful and entertaining, and one of the writers agrees that he's a star. Ali Adler doesn't think he's a big enough loser to be on Glee. The characters are all misfits; therefore, the actors must be misfits, as well, except for those who aren't, which is most of them. That's why it's called ACTING, Ali.

Aylin is (all together now!) a Turkish Muslim from a Very Conservative Family. In case you haven't heard, by now. She comes out and tries to be very aggressive as she mumbles her way through "Fighter", performing so poorly, and specifically, so much more poorly than Lily did, that I think there's a shot she's not making this finale. Silly me. This process is not about talent, or about them singing their Last Chance Performance well. It's about inspiring the laziest set of TV writers I've ever seen into writing for her. Michael Hitchcock pipes up that America is interested in Muslim culture, and Roberto Aguirre - Sacasa thinks she's something new and different. Ryan agrees, and we suddenly know Aylin's headed for the finale, and probably for Glee. Ali Adler wants to write for Aylin. Ian wants to write for Blake, Lily, and Michael - he did not get the memo that only one can win this year. The writers have good things to say about all of them, but it all comes down to this question: Should they try to do something on the show that they have not done before, with these new characters that inspire them so, or... should they pick a star, a genuinely engaging and interesting talent?

They need to pick a star.

And how many of these people actually inspires any of these writers, who so obviously lack creativity to come up with the ideas themselves, to write something? Ryan is ready to cut more than one. So they do.

So long, Lily Mae. Adios, Michael. Ryan's muse does not awaken when you stand in front of him; you should have brought an alarm clock. Next week... somebody wins this mess, and we get to see all the ousted cast members one more time.

Glee Recap Special: "The Box Scene" from Extraordinary Merry Christmas

2012-08-05T12:19:00.001-07:00

Every good Klaine fan knows that the Glee episode "Extraordinary Merry Christmas" included a romantic scene involving Klaine that was cut so that we could watch extra footage of Rachel, the good Jewish girl, demanding a huge number of very expensive Christmas presents from Finn. A particularly enthusiastic group of fans raised the money to buy the script that contained that lost scene, and apparently the demand for this little bit of Klaine romance is so fierce that Ryan finally buckled and let us see it. It's here:

As ever, I have found things to snark about, so here is a an extra special recap for the extra special scene that was finally released due to overwhelming public demand.

The Box Scene Recap

It is Christmas time, and we can gather from the exposition Kurt gives us that this tender moment occurs near the end of the episode. Kurt and Blaine are headed down the stairs, and Blaine wants Kurt to stop looking so glum. Oh, Blaine, you don't understand. He's contractually obligated to look sad all the time now. You get to be charming and dapper and he gets to go through life on the verge of tears. Kurt is happy for the way the Christmas Special turned out - even though it actually got canceled three quarters of the way through - and he feels happy that New Directions turned out to sing a Christmas song about grinding, desperate poverty to a group of homeless people in a shelter. Still, the holidays leave him with a sense of melancholy. Yes, lots of people feel that way, Kurt, although lately everything gives you a sense of melancholy, and it's only going to get worse as the season wears on.

Blaine teases him for bidding on the Liz Taylor Jewelry Auction, and asks him the question that everybody has been dying to know the answer to for lo these many months. How can Kurt, who is not actually a millionaire, afford his clothes? Answer: he's a bargain shopper! Maybe he buys all his designer clothing a size too big out of season. He's also a member of Rue La La. It's a real thing. Who knew? Kurt admits that getting the expensive jewelry was a fantasy. It was porn to him, and it was sooooo hot. He is saying this in a busy hallway staring directly into his boyfriend's eyes, and they are standing almost nose to nose. It's too bad Kurt doesn't like PDA, huh, Brad Falchuk?

Blaine, as ever, is the mentor - wiser, more thoughtful, more profound, ~~older, oh, wait, he's a Junior,~~ and he thinks they should put aside this trivial talk of material things to discuss something more meaningful and profound. He wants them to appreciate the things that they do have: each other. Blaine has a little, tiny box with a little, tiny bow. They've taken their love to the next level.

They've lain on a bed together, fully clothed, touching noses...

"If that's an engagement ring, my answer is yes!" blurts Kurt, who will later chastise Rachel endlessly for wanting to marry Finn. He thinks Rachel and Finn, the two seniors, are too young to get married (and they are,) but he wants to marry his junior boyfriend in a state where such things are not allowed. Blaine blows off the fact that Kurt has just accepted a marriage proposal that was not offered, and has him open the box.

Kurt opens the box to see a charming little piece of origami: Blaine has taken chewing gum wrappers and fashioned them into a promise ring. That's both tacky and adorable at the same time. And he did it with so much thought - it's Wrigley's! Kurt's favorite! The ring is decorated with a little tiny bow tie. Kurt is deeply touched, but he's a little bewildered. If they aren't running off to get married during Christmas break, thereby scooping Finchel in teenage romantic idiocy by a few months, then what is the promise?

Blaine promises....

- To always love Kurt (and millions of Klainers faint with joy)

- To defend Kurt, even when he's wrong (yes, let's point out that Kurt is wrong)

- To surprise Kurt - (well, I guess the ring did that.)

- To always pick up Kurt's phone call (at least until New York looms too close and he goes ice cold)

- To bake Kurt cookies twice a year.

- To kiss Kurt wherever and whenever Kurt wants. (Yes, he's saying this in a crowded school hallway while stroking Kurt's coat, and Kurt's on cloud nine, but Kurt "does not like" PDA. Whatever.)

- And the most important thing of all: to remember how perfectly imperfect Kurt is.

Seriously. Mr. Perfect Dreamboat finishes his love speech to Kurt by mentioning how imperfect Kurt is. There are actually two minor digs at Kurt in this soliloquy, although I do not blame Blaine for that. In a vacuum, this line is fine. In the context of what happened to Kurt over the course of the year, it's very grating. Kurt.... please, don't you ever, ever feel, that you're less than, less than perfect. Didn't Blaine sing that to him once? Why is Kurt's imperfection the highlight of this declaration of love now? I am not the most rabid and angry of Kurtsies, but in a season where Blaine got everything he wanted at the snap of finger and Kurt got absolutely nothing whatsoever, this declaration rankles a little. It sounds a tad condescending, in the context of this terribly unbalanced romance. It is meant to be sweet and romantic, but it does hammer home the idea that Kurt's kind of a loser who should be unbelievably grateful that Blaine, the perfect gay man who has no faults of any kind, chose to love him despite his inferiority.

Kurt loves it. Kurt, who hates PDA, hugs Blaine passionately in a hall crowded with people. They do not kiss. Only Finchel gets to do that. Blaine promises that this is the first of many Christmases together. Five bucks say they don't make it to December 2012. Kurt's going to be in New York, and the narrative possibilities for both are too limited if they remain together.

So, what have we learned here? Is this canon, now that we've seen it? If it is:

- Kurt is a hypocrite.

- Kurt likes PDA just fine, thanks.

- We should be constantly reminded how perfectly imperfect Kurt is, and how perfectly perfect Blaine is.

And it's a shame they took this Lost Box Scene out of Extraordinary Merry Christmas because, despite my snark, I think this was actually one of the best scenes in the episode. Scene after scene of Rachel's whiny materialism ran very, very long and old after awhile. I think this Lost Box Scene would have been a much better final scene than Rachel and Finn throwing their gifts to each other away in support of an organization that discriminates against gay people.

Coming up: The Lost Bridesmaid scene, which would have made Rachel's relationship with Quinn make much more sense. Thanks to Gail and Demi for letting me know about this video channel from Ryan Murphy.

"Romanticality" - The Glee Project Recap

2012-08-01T00:17:00.000-07:00

Hi, everybody, and welcome to the Glee Project, the only reality show on television in which the main producer states that he's looking for a talented person to star in a TV show, and proves it by methodically removing the most talented and impressive contestants, week by week, leaving only the dregs and losers! See the genius of it! Glee is about losers! Get it? Get it?

In the last three weeks on Glee, Ryan Murphy has gotten rid of three interesting, creative, talented people while keeping.... Michael. Let's see if he can keep this remarkable streak going as we go into this week's theme, "Romanticality!" Remember, I watch and recap this stuff so that you can keep up with it while watching the infinitely more worthwhile gymnastics final!   (Don't cry for me, folks, that final's going to be shown over and over again for the ages. Phelps, too.)

I missed the first minute or so, and it doesn't matter all that much because my enthusiasm for this show got cut in half when Charlie went home and cut by another third when we lost Nellie. Last week I just heard through the internet that they dumped Abraham and I was so disgusted I couldn't be bothered to comment. I'm writing this now so that my blog doesn't die. At the moment I turn off the gymnastics and start paying attention to this episode, Lily is sneering into my screen and I question my decision to change the channel. Robert tells them that the Homework Assignment for the week is "More than Words" by Extreme, and everybody has their normal required exaggerated response. The guy who wrote the song will be with them to accompany them on guitar during their Homework Assignment. Gasp. Squee. Yippee. You may now bite off each other's arms as you struggle to get your chosen lines to the song as per our normal operating procedure. Be ready to perform for one of Glee's biggest breakout stars. Yes, please cue the excited glances as each other. Are your hearts racing appropriately quickly, yet? Hint, hint, he makes people of both genders squeal, and the producers spend a lot of time exploiting that.

Aylin thinks they should choreograph the song in pairs.   Everybody begins to look around the room at potential people to couple with and Lily soon realizes the guys are not going to look at her back. It appears the only person who will look at her is... Aylin. Yep, Turkish Muslim from a Conservative Family is out to scandalize the folks at home some more. Lily is not sure she can deal with Aylin. I wonder if Aylin can deal with Lily. She's willing to try; Lily suggest that they put in a kiss, and Aylin is open to the idea. Yep, it's getting pretty damned lonely without Charlie.

Shanna and Michael walk arm and arm warmly as Shanna informs us nervously that Michael's homework feedback is consistently awful. She hopes that maybe it will be okay this week. Ha ha. Gulp. Don't count on it.

And with that, it is homework day. Nuno Bettencourt assures them that he's happy to be there, or at least happy to get paid; Robert informs us that he lost his virginity to this song, which is too much information for me. And who is the other guest? Hints: coffee... he's done some of Glee's most romantic and groundbreaking scenes... what no Warbler outfit? No pink sunglasses? No capri pants and sneakers without socks?    Cue the longing sighs and squeals. Lily's about to pass out.

"Darren Criss!" chirps Aylin. Because he's got an amazing voice... and can dance... and is so goodlooking... and is a dreamboat.... SWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON! Down, girl. Darren is very happy to meet new people that he might be potentially working with - or not, since I don't remember him having a single memorable scene with any of the Glee Project winners last year. Darren feels that romance is inherently about being vulnerable, even though "Vulnerability" was the theme several weeks ago. The rest is just music, and grandstanding solos to sell big on iTunes. So everybody, go turn Dreamboat Blaine on.

They pair up in semi - darkness: Michael and Shanna, Lily and Aylin, Blake and Ali. Blake woos Ali tenderly and playfully as Michael and Shanna walk like an established happy couple. Lily and Aylin act like two closeted lesbians afraid to reveal their longing, which is an interesting and intelligent approach for this situation. Blake tries to get Ali's attention with a paper airplane. Shanna and Michael look at each other with starry eyes. Lily grabs Aylin's hand as she turns away, and they end the anxious little story they are telling with the hottest kiss in the room. In this assignment, I see two stories of couples beginning a romance and not much interesting from Michael and Shanna.

Robert thinks it's beautiful. Darren critiques. He sees three distinct moods for the three couples.

Darren thinks Michael and Shanna were stiff. Yes, of course they were. It's MICHAEL, people. Shanna is furious to the camera. "I don't get negative feedback!" Well, you do now, cutie. You have entered the Michael Zone. It's a black hole that consumes capable people with terrifying speed and regularity.

Aylin and Lily chose a serious tone. That can veer on the melodramatic, says Darren. You don't say, Mr. "My Character Was Hospitalized By a Killer Slushie". Yes, I know it's not your fault and you didn't write that garbage. Of course, he's also "I Am A Fighter In the Shower Because My Brother Doesn't Praise Me Constantly", but Darren didn't write that nonsense, either.

Blake and Ali were relaxed and natural. So who is the Homework winner? Well, he's just given negative feedback to four of the six contestants, and Ali's already won the Homework Assignment once, so therefore, the winner has to be... Blake. He's literally the only eligible person. This is more predictable than a Chinese gold medal in diving.

Blake enthuses to the camera that he finally won - I am confused that these kids haven't figured out that the mentors let everybody have a turn - so he gets a one on one mentoring session with Darren about being romantic. Oh, I bet Ryan's pulse raced when he heard about that. No, I'm not taking it back. The song for the video shoot is "We Found Love" by Rihanna... oh, for crying out loud, will you all STOP screaming like you just won the lottery every time they announce what you are singing? And the scenario is this: a bunch of kids get put in detention, and then the teacher just leaves them there to find each other in the nooks and crannies of their Hopeless Place. Yes, it sounds like a typical responsible teacher at McKinley.

OK, Blake! You won the Homework Assignment, so now you get to choose which girl you work with! Uh, Darren, he's already chosen who he wants to work with. It's Ali. Duh. Clearly pairing with her worked out for him. Why would he switch? Well, that makes sense, but it's boring, too, so Darren decides to shake up the other pairs. Aylin gets a break from Lily. She gets Shanna now. Yep, Turkish Muslim from the Conservative Family gets to be lesbian both times. Michael gets Lily. Lily complains to the camera that Blake didn't choose her because she thinks there's some kind of spark between her and Blake. Well, clearly Blake does not agree. I think I just figured out why Blake would rather pair off with Ali. Aaaaaawkwaaaard.

Choreography this week is with Brooke. Glee is filming right now and Zach is back at his day job. Brooke shares that she spent a lot of time in detention and the three couples begin to work on chemistry. Lily is clearly working with an ice-cold block of wood. Ali faces some challenging choreography; she has to get out of the wheelchair to be truly romantic with Blake, but feels that this is a good opportunity to show that People With Disabilities Can Be Sexy, Too. Well, good. Kevin McHale doesn't get a lot of chance to do that. Maybe Ali can.   Shanna feels like she and Aylin need to outshine Blake and Ali, who are clearly the favorites of the moment.

And now, it's time for my favorite part of the whole show, Vocals with the Obnoxious and Inappropriate Shrew. Nikki is looking for people who can harmonize today. Aylin shares that she's had a really lesbian week. Boy, I bet she misses Charlie. She struggles to harmonize at first, but it gets better. Shanna, unfortunately, is a trainwreck; Nikki informs us that Shanna's situation is worse because she's set a high bar for herself. Yes, right, she's going to be graded down for a bad week because she's usually flawless. Got it. Yep, she's about to make her first trip to the bottom three.

Nikki expects terrible work from Michael - apparently, this expectation is becoming more and more common - but he harmonizes well. Lily sings well; Nikki thinks she may be the best in the studio. Ali sounds very good as she sings to Blake, but Blake struggles terribly as he sings to Ali - he has no experience trying to harmonize.   He knows he's in trouble. "They are just looking for reasons... and I just gave them one." Well, that's refreshing and grownup. No whining there.

For the video shoot, says Robert, "It's all about the chemistry." We see Michael and Lily on the bleachers; while the mentors did not expect much from them (why do they think so little of a contestant in the top six?) Zach says Lily is matching Michael's temperature and making it work. So, basically, she's doing all the work.

Blake is grateful for his one on one with Darren, a necessary element as he tries to get back on track. Darren advises him to use his feelings for his girlfriend as an anchor to generate chemistry with Ali; the result is a flirtatious scene in a closet that even I, grumpy curmudgeon that I am this week, agree works really well and is quite convincing. They are much better than Lily and Michael. That bears repeating often, in fact.

Aylin and Shanna try too hard. In an effort to shine and outdo Blake and Ali, they run up around in the auditorium set, and Erik stops them repeatedly because it is too obvious that they are acting.   Even after several takes, the choreography they have been given looks like dance moves.

The mentors confab to discuss who will perform for Ryan.   You see, there are only six INCREDIBLE people left. Well, no, I think there are five solid people left and... Michael.   Nikki states that there are only two boys left... so it's best that neither of them go, since the scenes are beginning to get badly off-balance as it is. Oh, and both boys could win! Well, no, I don't think so, but I guess we have to have a villain, huh? Is that what they are keeping Michael around for? Still, both boys could win because they have something the girls do not have - penises.

The video begins as Figgins gives out the rules. They will be there from 9:00 to noon, and there is to be no talking at all. There will also be no supervision at all. This will work out for the authority figures just as well as The Breakfast Club did. So of course, the moment Figgins leaves the room, the kids, who are not allowed to talk, begin to sing instead. They've fled the detention room before Figgins is out of the hallway, and each couple goes to a different place for their love scene. Blake asks Ali to Prom in the closet; Michael and Lily get close on the bleachers; Shanna and Aylin frolic in the auditorium.

Figgins gets up close and personal with a urinal.

After several of these couples get a little horizontal in a Hopeless Place, they see that it's almost noon and they need to get back before Figgins does. The writers of the Breakfast Club should totally sue for plagiarism.

The reveal of the Bottom Three: Yes, Robert reminds us.... all six of these incredible, amazing people have the potential to win... except for Michael.... but only one of them will.... unless Ryan bends the rules again.

The critiques:

Lily has become a great studio singer, and she managed to be sweet and natural in her chemistry with Michael.

Ali was great in her homework assignment and Darren thought she was the perfect partner for Blake. They think her acting has gotten great. Gee, maybe they should give her a... script? See if she can actually talk onscreen? Lily and Ali are both called back, of course.

Michael - was stiff during the Homework Assignment... and actually, pretty much all the time, everywhere he goes. Look, if Darren Criss thinks you are stiff, you know you have a problem.

Blake did great work in the homework assignment; he just can't harmonize. They just found the crack in Blake's armor. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Aylin was too intense during the Homework Assignment.

Shanna was too stiff during the Homework Assignment. It is her first bad note for a Homework Assignment the entire season. Then, she and Aylin turned their auditorium game of tag into a dance number.

So who is called back?

Michael.

Holy moly, what are these people smoking? He's the freaking Sanjaya Malakar of the Glee Project, and the mentors are putting people who have never had a misstep in the bottom so that this tin soldier can run back to safety. Nobody else can believe it, either.

Shanna calls bull**** on this, and I don't blame her. She's holding back the tears. Aylin is getting used to being in the bottom three, but she's a little aghast at the company she's keeping. Blake will sing "Losing My Religion" by REM.   Aylin gets "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face" by Robert Flack, and Shanna will sing "Stronger" by Kelly Clarkson.   Robert encourages them to have fun and show Ryan why they are here... I don't think that's what he really meant to say. It's a BAD thing to be here, isn't it, Robert?

Shanna is in shock. She thought they were the top three contenders. (Note to Shanna. Yes, sweetie, you were. For weeks and weeks now.) Blake sounds weak and strained, but he does not want to go home. Aylin in scared. She's intimidated by who she faces in the bottom.

The mentors usher in Mr. Hat, who tells us that he could not tell from the video why these three kids should be in the bottom three. Aylin sings, She's wearing a little minidress. She also forgets the lyrics to the song. I was not blown away by this. However, Ryan seems to be interested in the whole Turkish Muslim from Conservative Family thing, because they get into how her mother will react when she sees what's been going on this week. Ryan thinks he'd like to see a Muslim character who is not a stereotype... oh, she'll be a stereotype when you get through with her, Mr. Hat. Whatcha wanna bet he makes her belly dance, if she gets the gig?

Blake is ONLY here because he can't harmonize for squat. Ryan reveals that Blake bugs him because he's too secure, professional and emotionally stable... er, he's not vulnerable enough. Fortunately, Blake comes out and looks nervous and vulnerable, so that problem is nicely avoided. Blake does a solid, not very exciting version of the song that is vocally better but emotionally vastly inferior to the version done by Cory Monteith, and Ryan asks why he's nervous. Ryan wants to see Blake get more vulnerable if he survives this week. Yeah, he wants to see you sweat, Blake. Inspire him, Blake. Inspire the Master. Gag. I hate this jerk.

Shanna has been consistent all the way through the competition. She's the top girl. She's Jordyn Weiber. And she's... easily the best of the three. There's real excitement, spirit and energy in her performance. She's drawing conviction from the lyrics. It's wonderful. But Ryan, snakelike, asks the question that kills her. What kind of story could she inspire a writer to create for her on Glee? She wants to be the athletic girl involved in everythng!

Uh oh.

Honey, you want to be Quinn. Or Santana. Or Brittany. And you want to be a character who is a winner in a show that's about losers. And you have a uterus. Oh, crap. Ryan tells her she needs to be bolder. No, that is not her problem. Oh.... and a little birdie told Ryan that Shanna was pissed off about this particular Bottom Three. Well, she's not the only one, dude. No, she's not happy with the Bottom Three, Ryan. Anybody with sense can tell Michael should have been here instead. Shanna flat out tells them so! Ah, that's bold! Nikki admires that! But it's not going to be enough!

Ryan thinks any of these three could win, but Shanna did not inspire her. He liked Aylin's vulnerability. Blake did nothing special. Nikki thinks they all cracked. Zach makes his recommendation...

And that's it... for Shanna.   Shanna!

Next week I predict Michael wins the Homework Assignment by default and they send home Blake because his hair is not short enough. Then Michael wins the whole damned thing because Ryan does not like people with uteruses.   Stupid silly show. Did anybody put that gymnastics final on Youtube for me?

America'sGot Talent - Fourth Quarterfinal

2012-07-26T07:13:00.000-07:00

Caption: William Close performs with his Earth Harp at Momai. Credit to phfx

We had a blackout in my area this past Tuesday, so I had to watch the last quarterfinal of America's Got Talent elsewhere. I didn't DVR it, so I can't give detailed recap, but I do have some opinions, as always!

First of all, I agree with Howard Stern; the groupings for the quarterfinals were downright irresponsible on the part of the producers. This was probably the single most difficult week in the history of America's Got Talent, and a lot of great people deserved a fairer shot than this. I know that only act can win - and I hope with fervent desire that it's William Close and that stunning harp of his - but other acts deserved the prestige of getting a little bit farther and having just one more national performance to help solidify their careers. There are several cases in which people who lost this week were vastly better acts than something similare that slid through during the easy weeks, and it's very frustrating.

I am not at all surprised that David "The Bullet" Smith did not go forward. If you've seen one shot out of a cannon, you've pretty much seen them all. I agree that his act is dangerous, but I don't think it's a million dollar act and I think it would be very hard to incorporate it into a Las Vegas show - even though I know he would not be the only person in that show.

I am surprised that All That made it to the Judge's Choice Round. In a show that included the amazing Unity in Motion and Lindsey Norton, I thought that All That was not... All That. They are a very entertaining dance troupe. If they were performing in a mall or a festival I'd definitely stop and watch. I do not think I'd pay more than about ten bucks to see them live. It irritates me that Sharon has already declared them to be in the Wild Card Round, because I think there are others who lost who deserve it more.

I feel really bad for Ulysses. Underneath the bad hair and the cheesy ideas lurks a man with a really gorgeous, rich voice. However, this was always a trite, silly novelty act and I think he got his feelings really unnecessarily hurt this week. They were harder on him than they were on Big Barry, and that's just wrong. As far as I can tell, his mistake lay in attempting to do what everybody keeps screaming at these contestants to do. He tried to step it up. He tried to go big. He tried to take it to the next level, as these judges and producers demand. He got raked over the coals for that. He should never have gotten past the Vegas round in the first place; they do these people a great disservice by setting them up to fail miserably.

And then we have... Joe Castillo. I know Joe did not invent sand art, but I've never seen it done at this level before. I think he's going to give David Garibaldi a run for his money, because he tells stories in his fluid art in a way that David can't. He has learned how to use his medium as a method for storytelling and teaching, and he's beautiful to watch. I don't know if he's a million dollar act, but the finalists go on tour. He is one of the people I'd buy a ticket to see. I'm thrilled that he got through.

Sebastien "El Charro De Oro" broke my heart this week. I think whoever arranges the music chose the wrong song for him. He's too young to have the life experiences necessary to sell "Besame Mucho", and I think he does better with more lively, peppy songs. He certainly had some pitch problems, which both saddened and surprised me, but he's got loads of talent. He's the best male singer to make it to this stage of the competition by a bundle... but he's not going on. Tim Hockenberry went on. Edon went on, for crying out loud. Sebastian sings rings around both of them, and he's four years younger than Edon, but they are in and Sebastien is out. Sebastien is one of the people I will point to as being a casualty of the producer's stupidity in stacking the deck the way they did. The saddest moment of the week - when Sebastien was called onstage with William Close and his Earth Harp, Sebastien knew it was all over for him, and you could see it on his face as Nick prepared to make the announcement. I was crushed for him.

Eric Dittleman - I really like Dittleman, and I usually enjoy his act. He's very clever, and he had a great strategy here that really paid off for him: suck up to the judges. Last round, he sucked up to Sharon with a generic trick that could work for any woman. This round, he designed a trick just to please Howie, based on Howie's old game show. The only drawback; I've figured out how he did this trick. Look for Dittleman to play to Howard Stern in the semis.

William Close - This Earth Harp is the most amazing act I've ever seen on America's Got Talent. Barring a severe mishap, he's going to be in the finals, and if he loses to Tim Hockenberry I'm going to be really disappointed. He filled that auditorium with music of haunting beauty, and if he makes their tour I will absolutely pay to hear him do this live. I suspect the television does not begin to do him justice.

Unity in Motion is the best dance act this season. They've got everything - ballet, gymnastics, contortion, - they are amazing. I would pay to see a show that includes them. Would somebody please explain to me why there's room in the semis for Turf, and even for The Untouchables, but not for these girls? Why? Because they got stuck in a quarterfinals with Joe Castillo, William Close, and those darned dogs. The Untouchables did not have comparable talent in their heat, and Turf was up against junk in his. The producers blew it for these girls, and I'm pretty annoyed.

Eric and Olivia - My heart burns orange for the University of Texas, and I was rooting for this duo going into this round, so their lackluster performance is disappointing at best. I don't have any real connection to "Dynamite." I think she sang well, but in a week where the Sebastien and Unity in Motion could not get through, this certainly was not going to cut it.

Lindsey Norton - The bad news is that ballet dancer/gymnast Lindsey Norton is out of a competition as a solo dancer while Turf gets to stay. I disagree with this situation - intensely. The good news is that you can pretty much catch most of her act done by scores of equally talented girls from all over the world performing in London beginning on July 29. (NBC likes it when people mention the London Olympics.) Lindsey basically does a great floor exercise. She's got some amazing tricks, and I think we've probably seen them all now.

What can I say about a man called Horse? He... um.... took it to the next level. This was actually an act. He turned his odd little stunt into a genuine comedy act featuring bad guys, characters, even a heroic come-from-behind victory. I didn't hate every single instant of Horse's act this week, and I've got to hand it to him. He did absolutely everything with this that he could. He was my son's favorite act. I am certainly glad he's gone.

And finally.... the Olate Dogs. You know how you can tell that the producers want to make absolutely sure that an OK act moves on? You make them the last act of the night, instead of the Earth Harp. Yes, these dogs are great. I don't know that I'd spend a huge amount of money to see them, but they were lots of fun to watch for ninety seconds, and they made Ashleigh and Pudsey look really limited by comparison. This was my daughter's favorite act.

So, after the best night ever on America's Got Talent, I am left with the unfortunate feeling that we've lost several wonderful acts that would have kicked some major booty in other weeks and brought us a much more satisfying semifinal round. I have to wonder if this is a strategy on the part of the producers, and if so... what are they thinking?

America's Got Talent - Third Quarterfinal

2012-07-17T23:32:00.002-07:00

It's time for the third quarterfinals of America's Got Talent! Can you feel the passion, the excitement? I sure can! Oh, wait, that's indigestion. Well, let's see if this week is any less disappointing than last week was. Maybe Howard will actually wring Howie's neck this week. That might be kind of entertaining.

As Nick comes out, he warns us that for some of these acts it will be a night to remember. For others, it will be an epic fail. He was right. There were a couple of truly epic fails - moments when it all literally came crashing down - tonight, and I bet as they go to sleep they will curse Nick for predicting their disaster. There were also a couple of things that did not suck. I disagree that "judges do not come better than these three", although at least none of them have quit.

We begin with a terrific youth dance team, The Untouchables. Last week, the Lisa Clark Dancers gave us an adorable kid's dance recital. This week, a bunch of performers from Miami gave us a real professional dance routine, and it is just a coincidence that the average age of the group members is about thirteen. The choreography is difficult and precisely performed. They are sharp, in sync, energetic, and completely charming. If you did not look directly into their faces as they danced, you would not realize they were children. This group is my first pick to move on. I just hope their early placement does not hurt them. However, considering how weak some of their competition is, what they did may be quite enough.

Howard: The level that you're dancing at is inspiring.

Howie: Tonight, it seemed professional, so much more than a kid's dance recital.

Sharon: Your youth, your enthusiasm, your dedication to your craft, and it shows. Your choreography is always superb, the way you look, your presentation. I absolutely adore you.

Rock Star Juggler Mike Price - In an earlier round, Howard buzzed him for dropping a baton. Mike Price didn't get buzzed tonight, but about halfway through I realized he was trying stunts he wasn't really good enough to do. Mike Price cannot really juggle fire while riding on a unicycle. He posed a lot and juggled a little. He dropped a baton while it was on fire. He's lucky he didn't burn the stage, or himself. A fire continued to burn in the can during the critiques and alarmed Howie. They had to get a fire extinguisher out there.

Sharon: It didn't work for me. I wasn't convinced.

Howard: I don't think America's going to vote you through.

Howie: It was make it or break it. Tonight, you broke it.

Inspire the Fire does not inspire the audience, or me. They've already suffered unfortunate comparisons to Glee; this week, they actually sang a song that's been covered on Glee, "Firework" by Katy Perry. The singing was very ordinary, and the dancing was amateurish. I am quite certain one of the guys actually fell while performing a flip. If they had performed this poorly in their first audition, they would not have gone to Las Vegas. We just saw The Untouchables show us what is good. This is not going to cut it. .

Howie: I wasn't inspired tonight. Tonight it seemed like a really cheesy High School Musical.

Sharon: It was very, very cheesy. You lost your innocence.

Howard: The fire got put out.

Cristin Sandu - Sometimes we take the challenges faced by the Danger Acts on shows like this for granted. Usually they successfully finish their act and we critique them on how convincing it was. Today, Cristin did all the other Danger Acts a great service; he showed us that success at the stunts is not guaranteed. Footage from before the performance indicates that he expected to end his balancing act surrounded by a spectacular ring of fire. However, when he got on top of his rickety tower of pipes and platforms... he fell. His act was a complete disaster before the stunt was half done. Epic fail. Painful to watch. Howard buzzed him just on principle as Cristin slouched disconsolately around his ruined tower. He's going to have nightmares about this night for the rest of his life.

Howard: I'm glad to hear in that piece that you're studying medicine. You're going to be a great doctor.

Sharon: Please don't be too hard on yourself, because what you do is extremely dangerous. You should be proud that you got this far.

Howie: It didn't work out for you tonight. I feel terrible for you.

The last indicator of failure; the judges pity you and try to make you feel better. He looked like he was trying not to cry as Nick called out his phone number. Poor guy.

Commercial. Annoying AFLAC duck is annoying. I prefer my duck a l'orange.

Elusive is a dancer with hearing loss. He prances out and begins some pretty exciting break dance moves. He's up on the platforms, on his feet, dancing on his hands, throwing in some gymnastic floor exercise moves, and finally climbing a flight of stairs on his hands. I watch this and think...oh, I like this a lot better than I like Turf! He's actually dancing! It's musical! And he did not try once to dislocate his own shoulder! There's nothing creepy and grotesque about any of this! Of course, the Scott Brothers are still better, and so are The Untouchables, but...

Howie: I think you're going to do very well. I think you did great tonight. I think your competition is gonna be one word: Turf. That's gonna be the best dance-off in the history of television.

The folks from So You Think You Can Dance may argue with you on that one, Howie.

Sharon: Your moves - I have seen those moves before... Is this worth a million dollars?

Howard: It's been in my mind to tell you how much better you are than Turf because you're faster and stronger, except something went wrong tonight. You've got to do more.

Apparently, he needs to pull his shoulder out of his socket.

Jake Wesley Rogers is fifteen. He's a singer. There seem to be a lot of teenaged singers on the show this year. His shtick is being geeky and awkward. I think he actually begins pretty well. This acoustic version of "Toxic" is different, and it intrigues me, until he turns to his piano and begins to play. Then the god-awful sound mixing buries him alive and it sounds terrible. I am torn by the originality of the arrangement and all the bad notes I am hearing.

Howard: I didn't feel you connected with that song.

Howie: I don't like the arrangement of that song.

Sharon: The song, I didn't like. I think you have great, great potential.

All Wheel Sports have an interesting strategy. They are a frenetically busy act, with enough going on to fill a three ring circus. Yes, we have the bikes doing flips over the ramps, but we have dancers flipping over the heads of the people flinging them into the air, as well. We have people bouncing off of a platform, onto a trampoline and then back to the platform again. We have air jets blowing up dramatic steam. We have flashing lights. We have roller skaters. We have skateboards. It's impossible to take it all in. I also think we may have our second successful act of the night, since it was a dangerous act without a single mistake and we've been watching a lot of failure here.

Sharon: All Wheel Sports are the first group to actually combine it (Extreme Sports and dance) perfectly and bring it to us.

Howard: I don't know if people can follow the three ring circus atmosphere.

Howie: I just saw a headlining show in Las Vegas.

Wordspit and the Illest: What a bizarre name for a group. What is an Illest? Why do I want to vote for something that is the illest? And then they begin to perform this... mess. They call it an original song. I call it an ugly, cacophonous pile of tuneless noise that communicates absolutely nothing to me. There's none of the clever wordplay or even unbridled rage I hear from most competent rappers, and the singing is ugly. I can't understand a single word they are singing or rapping, and it's all just terrible. Maybe the sound mixing is a problem again.

Howie: Right now I think you just made the most disastrous choice you could have made, and that is doing an original song.

Sharon: At home, they can't feel the energy in this room. I think you made a very bad mistake by doing an original song.

Howard: I got to hear what you guys have for real. You're one of the tightest bands I've ever heard on a television go. Thank God for originality.

It's got to be the sound mixing. I clearly did not hear what they heard in that auditorium.

Jacob Williams is nerdy, awkward, shy, and funny. He looks terrified as he examines the stage he'll be performing on. He looks terrified as he begins to talk about his mother. He looks terrified as he cracks solid joke after solid joke and I realize that this nervous, awkward fear is the character he's playing and it's oddly effective. By the time he starts to riff about why he can't throw up in a human baby's mouth, I am chuckling and pleased that he's not going to bomb. He's beginning to master self-deprecating humor and every geek in the audience looking for a hero in this contest is going to pick up the phone and vote for him. Then they will ask if he wants to play some D&D.

Sharon: You're very awkward, but I like you. I think your material was OK, not brilliant. (Somebody from the audience yells "Best act of the night!")

Howard: Your likability is off the charts. I could see you as a guy who's going to have a huge career.

Howie: I agree with that guy. You are the best act of the night!

Jacob stares at him like he doesn't quite know how to react to that. He appears to be absolutely overwhelmed by the strength of the approval he's getting. I think this may be our third successful act of the evening. My biggest concern... has he burned through all his best material now? Tom Cotter's been at this since before Jacob was born.

All Beef Patty is a drag queen. Actually, I think she's kind of a drag, myself. I've seen more convincing shemales in local gay bars. She's garish, mannish, and extremely dull on stage, standing almost stock still as a troupe of shirtless hunks dance all around her. I am not even convinced, watching this, that Jason, the guy playing Patty, is attracted to any of these hunks surrounding him. (It is not important whether or not Jason is actually gay or not. If he's not, he needs to be a better actor.) Despite the outrageous hair, makeup and clothes, I do not get a strong sense of character. I don't know who Patty is supposed to be, what her attitudes are, or what statement she's trying to make about sexuality, individuality, musicality - anything. She doesn't flirt with the dancers, which I think would be almost a must for this kind of act, she doesn't engage the judges or the audience. It's... boring. A boring drag act. Not good. All she does is make me miss the divine Prince Poppycock.

Howard: I think tonight we proved that she's not a big Vegas act.

Howie: You didn't move and you didn't use the stage.

Sharon: I think you look like a chunky Cher, and I think you sound like Cher.

Sharon, next time Cher sees you, she's going to kick your butt.

Spencer Horsman is the youngest escape artist in the world. What he does is extremely dangerous. Potentially fatal. He will remind us of this as often as necessary. He's wearing a steel straight jacket. He's going to be locked inside a bank security bag which is being suspended over some really deadly looking, very long spikes. He's got 45 seconds to escape from this straight-jacket/bank bag combo of death. If he fails, he's going to drop fifteen feet and turn into a Spencer-kabob.

They lock him in the straight-jacket. They lock him in the bag. They put him in his cage behind a screen and the cage begins to rise as the clock begins to tick... and I instantly see the fatal problem with Spencer's trick. He may indeed be performing an act of great skill releasing himself from this straight jacket, but the way he's got the trick set up, we can't see him do his amazing trick. We can only see the shadow of the bank bag from behind the screen, wiggling rather fervently. He's like a claustrophobic ghost jumping around. As the clock ticks down, because we can't tell how well he's progressing, it actually gets tedious as we wait for something to happen. At thirteen seconds to go, there's a little explosion, sparks fly up, the bottom drops out of the cage, and something falls to the spikes. I think we are supposed to be afraid that it's Spencer. It's actually the straight jacket. Somebody begins to boo, and Spencer reveals himself, safely out of the straight jacket and the bag. Great escape, kid. I wish we'd gotten to see it.

Sharon: I think it was a bit boring.

Howard: Usually you are so great because you show us something where we can see you escaping. Tonight we couldn't see you. It failed.

Howie: I didn't get what was happening. It was confusing.

Lightwire Theater brings a whole new set of illuminated life-sized puppets to create the best act of the evening. A huge blue bird is attracted to whisps of purple light in the dark sky. The purple whisps turn into a flamingo-like bird. A blue flamingo-like dinosaur replaces the purple figure. Then there are two. Then we see the original bird again, surprised by several other odd creatures it encounters. As they go along, the animals we see become more and more fantastical and mesmerizing. They end up all dancing together, and the crowd is on their feet.

Howie: Cannot even be heard over the enthusiastic screaming in the auditorium. He's bellowing very happily about something. Finally I hear him: "You're going to the finals!"

Sharon: I will see you in the Final.

Howard: That's a big stage show. That's a million dollar act.

Yep. They are moving on, for sure. This night of America's Got Talent had a wonderful start and a spectacular ending, and a lot of meh in the middle.

"Fearlessness" - Glee Project Recap

2012-07-15T23:36:00.001-07:00

I put off doing this recap of The Glee Project: Fearlessness. I have watched the producers discriminate rather aggressively against a particular disabled kid all season, and it came to a head this week. That made me very sad. On the other hand, given Damien McGinty's rather abrupt departure from Glee, it is clear that winning the Glee Project is not a guarantee of success at all, and the results may not end up mattering much over a year's time. In the end, this is a minor reality show that grants one kid an opportunity to play an insignificant background character on a dying television show. There may be greener pastures out there, Charlie.

Aylin is breathing a sigh of relief for the end of "Adaptability" week when Robert comes in to give them their new contrived theme. Welcome to "Fearlessness" week, folks, and you know what that means; the bullying is just around the corner. Aylin helpfully reminds us that she's a Muslim and a flirt, which means she must also be fearless, as well. Honestly, honey, are they just going to tattoo that on your forehead? Flirtatious Muslim? Just a suggestion: don't go visit the old country any time soon. It's not that you are so brazen or slutty; you are just becoming annoying. Whatcha wanna bet her parents are indulgent old softies?

Because this is "Fearlessness" week, Robert wants them to perform a song that might scare them a little. It's a rap song. "Now That We Found Love." Yes, I imagine several of these kids will be quite terrified at how silly they are going to look doing this. Abraham is afraid because he's Asian, and maybe that has something to do with the fact that he can't rap. Or maybe not. But hey, we've got to keep the sterotypes coming!

Blake thinks it's challenging because it's fast, and Nellie faces the idea that she's got to stand out for her outstanding fearlessness while singing something that makes her really uncomfortable. The group decides to begin by bending over and shaking their butts in a line. Yep, they are going to bend over and take it.

So who is the guest mentor? Fearless actor, fearless character. You might even say it's a reckless and irresponsible character, and it's certainly an outstanding cast member. This week, we get to see Jane Lynch. The cheers erupt, and they are deserved this time as Jane marches in with her megaphone. However, it's clearly Jane, not Sue; she's not wearing a track suit. Everybody is genuinely excited.

Jane tells us that she was forty-nine when she got her big break on Glee. Before then, she'd been a... no, not a failure. According to IMDb, she's got a resume a mile long going back to 1992. I'd call that the career of a consistently working, well respected actress who finally became a megastar. Any way, the leaner years taught her to relish opportunities to be fearful, because they turn out to be the best moments.

The kids sing "Now That We Found Love". It's odd. Because this is a chanted, nonlyrical mess, the fact that each kid is spouting out a single line divorced from all other context does not seem to bother me as much any more. Maybe I am just getting used to it. Maybe I just don't care about the song, so it does not bother me if they sing it badly. Maybe the fact that most of the song is made up of a chorus they sing in unison helps, too.

Jane:
- Thinks it was amazing.
- Michael hung back a little bit.
- Aylin was fantastic and she treated it like an acting lesson. She told the story. Aylin is emerging as one of the better actors in this group. Despite my snarking about her unending Muslim riff, she's actually beginning to emerge as my pick to win this show. Talented, kind of pretty, distinct personality and attitude. She pops on the screen.
- Lily made Jane laugh. The "wedding moves" that Zach hates so much are working with Jane.
- Nellie held back. Say it ain't so. Big shocker.

Jane struggled to choose between Aylin and Lily as the winner of the Homework Assignment, but she chose Lily because.... Aylin's already won once, and they are being very, very carefully fair about the distribution of this prize. Lily is ecstatic that she gets to be mentored by Jane Lynch, of all people. (As opposed to... say... Samuel Larson. Poor Abraham.) Aylin is disappointed because she does not understand that she's not allowed to win this prize again until everybody else has gotten a turn. Yes, we know she only got Kevin McHale and Lily gets Jane Lynch, but it could have been worse; she could have gotten Damien McGinty, the newly canned.

The video shoot will be a mashup of "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" and "One Way or Another." Oh, goody. Dodgeball fight, anybody? Nope, Kurt outlawed dodgeball on campus, remember? They are back to the tried and true slushies. Everybody cheers at the idea of getting slushied. These kids are not very smart. Jane watches them jump up and down and scream and cheer and she looks like she thinks they've all gone out of their minds. "You've obviously never been hit with a slushie."

Shanna chirps that they are being initiated into All Things Glee! Great kiddo, encourage them to torture you horribly, atta girl. And there is one more element. It's taking place at a swimming pool, so they all get to show off their toned little nubile bodies. I can't help wondering if the swimming pool is there to help them get the slushie off more quickly. Got hit with the ice? Just jump in the pool and wash it off! You don't have to worry about wet, nasty clothes!   Instead of learning choreography, they will be fitted for swimsuits.

Lily tells us that she's not afraid of this; she's so used to being mocked for being overweight, she has become very comfortable with her body. As Nellie looks at the identical red racing suits, however, she is clearly uncomfortable with her body and feeling extremely vulnerable. She sheds a few tears about it back in the dorm.

Remember how last week Aylin stuck Charlie in the Friends Zone? Yeah, that didn't work out. They are in the Boy's Room holding hands, and Charlie thinks it might be the real thing. Aylin the Incredibly Flirtatious Muslim (who is twenty years old) thinks that Charlie might be her first boyfriend. Seriously? Either she's lying, or she's flirtatious because she's making up for an entire adolescence of lost time being stuck at home in a Very Conservative Family. Charlie suggests a kiss. He is rebuffed... for now. There's a nice shot of those two kids at the back of the room, and a comfy, inviting mattress at the forefront. Hint, hint.

Nikki asks the kids in the sound studio to give her lots of attitude in their vocals. Nellie is freaked out by the large group of kids staring at her through the window as she sings. They are trying to rattle her; they are out for blood. When Charlie gets in the studio, he is again a bit scattered; he's spending too much time looking out the window at his friends and focusing too little on the vocals. He hits a bum note... and the writing is on the wall. It's just a matter of time now. Abraham hits several bad notes, but Nikki thinks it's great. Michael is overthinking his solo lines.

The video shoot theme is really strange and contrived. They are all on the swim team, and a slushie fight breaks out during practice. This is unrealistic to the point of being surreal, but hey... it's Glee. It doesn't have to make any sense. Aylin gets the first slushie, a quick icy slap to her face that makes her laugh and giggle on the outside. In the confessional she tells us that it's unpleasant and sticky, and "so cold that it burns" but she succeeds in displeasing Eric by having a rather brave and jovial attitude upon getting hit with this thing. Nikki informs Robert that Aylin tends to laugh when something goes wrong instead of getting serious. I think this is the silliest damned reason to be upset with somebody that I have seen yet on the Glee Project, and I am beginning to seriously dislike Nikki. Really. The theme is fearlessness. Aylin gets shocked with a surprise slushie directly in the face. She laughs it off. This reaction is held against her in a week supposedly devoted to displaying courage. This show is becoming more and more arbitrary.

Charlie makes another genuine mistake with the lip-syncing. Nellie the Shy is asked to do a sexy head shake as she gets out of the water, to her dismay. Her fear is palpable to everyone, and it's clear she's in trouble as they begin to descend on her like vultures who smell death. Lily, on the hand, gets something she's very comfortable with. She gets to be a bully. She's going to hit everybody else with a hose. During the mentoring session, Jane said that Lily reminded her of a young Jane Lynch, so Lily's head is three sizes too big now. She's very convincing as she hoses, and it's clear this was her week to shine.

We see these kids getting hit with multiple slushies from several directions. Ali feels left out. She has not been slushied, and she begs for the opportunity; maybe she fears she will be sent home if she doesn't get slushied. However, since her wheelchair is a real, functional tool and not a prop, she cannot sit in it and get slushied like Kevin McHale can. She's going to have to sit immobile on a bench, genuinely completely helpless. This worries Zach, who is very much aware of how the limitations of Ali's disability make it much harder for her to withstand this than anybody else. The slushies start, and Ali begins well, but around the twelfth or thirteenth slushie in a row (I can't even believe these sadistic monsters did that to her) her shrieks of enthusiasm begin to turn into screams of real helpless misery and Eric realize they've gone too far with this. It's the first time I think I am really, completely disgusted with the Glee Project mentors. I think before these people hit one more person with one more slushie they need to each get hit with fifteen in a row while tied to a chair wearing a bathing suit. Ali cries and cries and everybody else looks really shocked. The mentors just look disappointed that she couldn't stand it. Ali tries to laugh so that nobody else can see that she could not do this, and she dives into the pool. Clearly, she can still swim.

Robert realizes that everybody deserves a lot of credit for withstanding a very physically demanding day. It's going to be very difficult for them to decide who will sing for Ryan. In other words, everybody did a great job and they are just going to have to make up crap as excuses for putting some of their better cast members in jeopardy.

We see the finished video. Some stupid jock slushies Aylin and sneers that "swim team sucks." That gives everybody an excuse to slushie everybody else. The mentors clearly remember the romantic Last Chance duet between Nellie and Blake; they have her rising seductively from the water to flirt quite sensually with him before being rudely shocked by a slushie from Michael. Yes, apparently they've decided that Nellie the Terribly Shy is going to be the Sex Symbol of the Glee Project right up until the moment she runs screaming for the hills in tears. Somehow they manage to give off the impression that Ali is standing with the others as the group forms two lines to slushie each other. Finally, Lily hoses them all down. Then they all jump in the water and clean off. This video doesn't make any sense at all. There's not a group of high school kids in the country who would voluntarily participate in a pointless slushie fight that intense while half naked, and not a swim coach in the country who would allow it. They sang this same medley during the dodgeball game in Glee last year, but the Glee dodgeball game worked, mostly. People play dodgeball in gym clothes. That's a common, believable activity. It's a real game. Slushie fights in swimsuits? No. Besides which... even on Glee, teammates do not randomly slushie each other. They get hit by the bullies. It's just... stupid. If this is any indication of the quality of the scripts coming from Glee next year, it's going to be a train wreck of a year.

Ali thinks, quite understandably, that this was the hardest week for her. She knows she's safe, though. Two others are less sure; Charlie and Aylin can feel the doom creeping up on their romance, and she's weeping in his arms as he holds her. "Don't miss me if I'm gone" he says. He knows what's coming. Aylin gives in and kisses him over and over, even as she tells the camera in confessional that she's afraid of giving in to her feelings because it will suck if, after they begin their romance in earnest, one of them goes home. I cannot help wondering if the very poignancy of their story here played a part in the choices made this week.

The mentors come in to reveal the bottom three. They have a few MVPs to praise first. Lily owned the video. Ali showed how fearless she was. They are safe. Ali feels like she can doi anything now. And she probably can. Ali can do anything except walk... and sing pleasantly.

Robert admits that everybody gave excellent performances this week. Some were spectacular. Others needed extra support to get there. Shanna, Blake, and Abraham are called back. Nellie's face gets more and more pale and pinched the more Robert talks. She knows she's in trouble, as are Michael, Aylin, and... oh, hi, Charlie. Here you are. Again. Fourth time, right?

Sucks to have ADHD, doesn't it? Oh, and autism, let's not forget the autism. However, while we have had discussion after discussion of how disability challenges Ali and Mario and even Tyler, they have not said a word about Charlie's disabilities since the first episode of the show. It's as if they do not want us to know why he has trouble focusing. I think I've said this before; I can understand why they might decide they don't want to work with Charlie and his challenges, but I am deeply offended that they do not even acknowledge his struggles when they used Tyler's transgender issues as an excuse for absolutely everything, including the fact that he can't sing for squat.

- Charlie did not make a strong enough entrance to the song in the video shot.
- Eric had to stop Aylin from giggling and being silly.
- Nellie was clearly intimidated by the entire week of work.
- Michael was boring during the homework assignment.

Michael's boring, and the other three are not, but Michael's safe. Charlie and Aylin, the star - crossed lovers, will be competing against each other to stay on the show. Nellie will be singing "If I Were a Boy". Aylin's got "Take a Bow." Charlie will sing "It's Not Unusual."

Aylin firmly informs that camera that she wants to be on Glee more than anything; she won't let her feelings for Charlie get in the way of that. Nellie decides to focus on her song rather than on going home. Charlie is very much aware that he's been in the bottom three for four straight weeks, and he knows how much trouble he's in, but he's not giving up without a fight. It's even harder because of his relationship with Aylin. He doesn't know what he would do if she got sent home, but he still wants to be in the competition himself like crazy.

Ryan comes into the auditiorium and tells the mentors that he agrees with their choices; these three were more reticent and shy than the others. While I am still wrapping my head around the idea that Aylin is reticent and shy, let's bring her out to sing. They think she lacks focus. I wonder if they think she's focusing too much on that guy of hers. Aylin struts on with verve and attitude, and she sings with her guts hanging out. There's a disgusted sneer at certain moments. Ryan lectures her for laughing when she got slushied, which still doesn't make any sense to me at all, and he tells her she has to be strong and vulnerable.

Uh... OK. And what, exactly, does that have to do with using laughter as a defense mechanism when you get slammed in the fact with an iceberg? Have YOU ever been slushied, Ryan? Ryan does think that if Aylin gets on the show, thousands of Muslim girls will feel like they are represented.   So... the hopes of the Arab-American world lie on her shoulders! She's got to take this seriously for all the flirtatious Muslim girls out there! She's a game - changer! Holy cow, she's totally winning this thing! Unless Ryan remembers that he hates everybody with ovaries! But they've got to dump that distracting boyfriend of hers first!

Charlie's problem is that he's incredibly talented, but he makes odd acting choices, and there's no excuse for anything he does, no sir, nothing to consider at all. It's not that we don't have to excuse it. We don't even have to acknowledge it or mention it. Really, he's just an asshole. It doesn't go any deeper than that. Oh, and he's getting inside Aylin's heart and head. Really, just cut this cancer out now. Charlie tells Ryan that he enjoys the weekly sessions, and then he jumps and runs around and changes the lyrics to make it about his own situation and he's just so fresh and funny and charming and inventive, and oh, I will miss him. Ryan, you chose two boys who were both as dull as toast as winners last year. Maybe you might want to give somebody with a personality a chance this year? Ryan thinks the performance was amazing, but Glee is not just a performance show, unless you are Darren Criss. It's not just about the thing that you bring in the Last Chance performance; it's about what you bring during the week. He's not a team player.

Nellie is here because of her insecurity. She sings, and her voice is as rich and amazing as ever. Singing is her strong suit. She's not good at prancing about in bathing suits. She's good at pouring her heart out in song.   Lord, this is a strong bottom three. I think there are a lot of people half as talented as this trio sitting in safety this week. Michael, Ali, I'm looking at you. Even Abraham. Ryan lectures her for being uncomfortable in the swimsuit when it's so clear that she's a star in front of the mike. Ryan even admits that he could not do what the girls had to do this week. Zach tells her that he's done telling her how wonderful she is. He thinks they are asking her to be on Glee. She is not fighting to be on.

Once Nellie's gone, Ryan tells the mentors that he thinks the bottom two are clear. They are; there's no good reason for Aylin to be here, and I don't understand why she is. He is frustrated with both Nellie and Charlie, and he does not think either are ever going to change. Zach goes in for the kill. He wants one more week... for Nellie.

Goodbye, Charlie. Aylin weeps as she sees his name on the list of doom. They meet together for one last tearful embrace and kiss. They are surrounded by their castmates; there's not a dry eye anywhere.

There were a lot of wet eyes on tumblr, too, including mine. It is very frustrating when dull people get chosen over interesting people for shows like this one. I have been harping on the fact that Charlie is erratic because he's disabled, but there's another angle to him, never mentioned once, that could have made for a rather amazing story if anybody had bothered to pay any attention.

They want people who are game changers? People who can make a difference, change the way people see each other? Get this. Charlie Lubeck is Jewish. He is a kid with an autism disorder who was basically this reality show's male romantic lead, and his partner is this was a Muslim.

You want a story that might revive a badly stalling show? You want compelling new people in the choir room? Give them the romance between the Jewish boy with Asperger's Syndrome and a Muslim girl with strict parents. It writes itself. You don't need to turn it into a love triangle for the story to be interesting - and we could present TWO demographics that aren't seen that often. Too bad Ryan wasn't inspired by this. Unfortunately, Brittany will never mistake Charlie for a leprechaun, but maybe she could have kept calling him Rain Man and asking him to add big numbers in his head. Yes, those are terrible, offensive jokes, but most of the Glee Project winners had to deal with very offensive stereotypes in their characterization.   Ah, chances wasted. Good luck, Charlie.

If there is any doubt at all that this romance was real, this should put this to rest. What a story. Anything else on this season is going to pale beside it.