Also: Anyone interested in helping me pull off a Robert Blotzer death hoax?

"You can't talk to me like that. You know why? 'Cause I'm a professional basketball star, you piece of fuuuuuuuudge." -- Rick Stevens, reducing Tom to a mere confection for failing to recognize his lofty status

"What is that? What is it? It sounds like a reaction. Like, 'Ow, I put my finger on the stove. Yao Ming!'" -- Rick Stevens, trying to identify the Chinese-born NBA center

"Well, I don't always fall for it. Sometimes I, you know, I think maybe he just got fat or something like really quick. Or he's pregnant." -- Rick Stevens, citing some alternative explanations for Tiny Lawrence's sudden abdominal bulge

"I mean, there's no blowouts. I'm running my gd scrod off out there." - Rick Stevens, fighting to compete with the Harlem Globetrotters

"Don't get me wrong, Dino's good. Yeah. It's just, how many times can we hear 'Just Like Heaven' and still get wood, you know?" -- Rick Stevens, struggling to achieve an erection when hearing the band play their The Cure cover in 2009

"It's official: I'm too old to be waking up on a rooftop in a pool of some other dude's vomit." -- Rick Stevens, acknowledging the downside of his hard-partying ways

"Oh my God, Rick, please! Please do something. I can't take it anymore. The Loafsniffers are so MF boring." -- A disgruntled five-year-old, begging for better entertainment value

"Sure it is! People love to see the ... um ... the blubbered go down. Don't they?" -- Rick Stevens, promoting the fun of seeing a fat kid get pelted with a concrete basketball

"He would have added a lot to our team, too. We would've definitely saved money 'cause he wouldn't need a uniform." - Rick Stevens, noting a financial benefit of having the late Kevin Allin not suit up for the Generals

"And this is no exaggeration, Tom. I whipped Lebron James." -- Rick Stevens, claiming that he defeated the Cavs star 96-0 during his tryout duel

"No, I haven't. I think you're exaggerating my exaggerations of which there are none." -- Rick Stevens, denying that he has embellished any his stories

"You're a Warlock aren't you. Oh, no. I always pick Warlocks to threaten." -- Rick Stevens, lamenting his latest encounter with a practitioner of the dark arts

"Well that's ... see now we're getting into an illness. Now I'm sweating." -- Marty Short, expressing concern about Tom's eBay acquisition of his Clifford threads

"I feel badly for Divine, but the good news is more roles for us." -- Steve Martin, finding a silver lining in the passing of John Waters's cross-dressing muse

"Hey, don't be frightened of a jerk! What is this, Moscow in the 50s? Let them on!" -- Marty Short, urging Tom to lift the red curtain and confront the mutant revolt

"I'm sure he had a point. It couldn't have been just about the title." -- Marty Short, giving Spike a pass for seemingly using him as his personal IMDb

"You're being too hard on your audience. By the way, this is your audience. They're not phoning up Mike Wallace. They're phoning you." -- Marty Short, reminding Tom about what he has spawned

"He did say nice things about you. That's the only thing he got wrong. Oh, I don't get that. That just shows he's too nice." -- Tom, lamenting Marty's praise for his increasingly powerful Associate Producer

"He's weird! I mean he's weirder than me!" - Spike, exposing the musician Billy Blob Thornton

"You know, I'm sorry you didn't get on the air with him, but the thing that kept you from getting on the air with him was that you are Larry The Perv." -- Tom, ringing the bell on LTP's existential crisis

"It's finally good to hear someone good in this slot, man. It seemed like that other guy Blob was on for like months." -- Bryce, rejoicing in The Mike Show's on-air debut

"It's the rare uh, you know, comingling of uh eros, spirituality, and um mystery. And murder. There's several decapitations in it." -- Bryce, touting the The Booth's mash-up mayhem

"You are pornography." - Bryce, attempting to land Mike as the public face of his new Weed & Wax emporium

"Oh, man, I gotta lay down. Maybe forever." -- Bryce, opting for an extended nap after one too many monster crippler hits

"You could say that might be the worst day ever, uh, for those individuals." -- Mike, putting the Jonestown Massacre into proper perspective

"Tom is pantomiming hanging himself." -- Mike, describing Tom's reaction to the synopsis of a potential Bruno S./J. Haze/A. Kutcher thriller

[TBSOWFMU - 04/28/09 / Full Podmirth / Best Show Gems / Myspace / Fotpedia [RIP?] / Newbridgctionary / Headquarters / S&W / Twitter]

3Ds - "Hey Seuss"

( Click here to buy The Venus Trail)

The Obits - "Lillies in the Street"

( Click here to buy I Blame You)

Christmas - "True Soldiers of Love"

( Click here to acquire the rest of In Excelsior Dayglo)

Eric's Trip - "Sunlight"

( Click here to buy Love Tara)

Maria Bamford - "Wizard of Art"

( Click here to buy Unwanted Thoughts Syndrome)

The Hunches - "Ate My Teeth"

( Click here to buy Exit Dreams)

Strange Boys - "This Girl Taught Me a Dance"

( Click here to buy ... And Girls Club)

Preakness - "Air Traffic"

( Click here to buy A Class Act in a Bad Situation)

Mirah - "The Forest"

( Click here to buy (a)spera)

Dandelions - "It's A Long Way To Heaven"

( Click here to acquire the rest of Dandelions)

Now is the time for us to gather together and celebrate those things that we like and think are fun:

[via Jor-El]

Spike thought Little Miss Sunshine was a nice, cute movie, and he praised the performance of "the little girl" (Abigail Breslin) and Alan Arkin's work as her grandfather. Tom hasn't seen much of Arkin since M*A*S*H ended its run, so he was glad to see him back on the screen. Spike thinks Tom is confusing Alan Arkin with Alan Aldo from President Baseball. Spike reiterates that Alan Arkin is in the film, but Tom doesn't know who that is. Spike is surprised that Tom doesn't know Arkin from The Russians Are Coming The Russians Are Coming. Tom adds to the confusion by asking Spike if it's Alan Narkin, so Spike spells his last name: A-R-K-I-N. Now Tom gets it -- it's the guy who's in Little Miss Sunshine! Tom agrees that he's very good. Spike points out that in addition to his acting, Arkin was once a member of The Tarriers, who did "Black Denim Trousers & Motorcycle Boots." Tom thinks this is a clothing company, but Spike says it was actually a song. Spike loses Tom with that one, so it's time to move on. Spike liked the cast across the board -- the mother, played by Toni Colette, Greg Kinnear, and the guy from The Office.

Spike: I always forget his name.
Tom: Ricky Gervais.
Spike: No, the American version of it.
Tom: Oh, okay, yeah, that guy is ...
Spike: The 40-Year-Old Virgin, that guy.
Tom: Yeah, Stephen Colbert.
Spike: No. His name is Steve, but that's not his last name.
Tom: Steve ...
Spike: The 40-Year-Old Virgin, but you know who I mean.
Tom: Ah, Steve Richards.
Spike: No.
Tom: No?
Spike: Carol? Carell?
Tom: Caroll Stevens?
Spike: No, not Cat Stevens.
Tom: I didn't say Cat Stevens. I said Carroll Stevens.
Spike: Well, I never heard of her.
Tom: Him. Like Carroll O'Connor.
Spike: I've heard of Caroll O'Connor, but I never heard of Carroll ...
Tom: He was not in Little Miss Sunshine, Spike. You are mistaken. Carroll O'Connor is in very poor health, and I'm sure could not have done that movie.
Spike: Carroll O'Connor's deceased.
Tom: Wait, hold on. What?
Spike: Carroll O'Connor has been deceased for a number of years now.
Tom: Oh, good heavens. I didn't realize. I send my condolences out to the rest of the O'Connor family.

{Yes, you've seen this clip linked to or embedded within 4,815 weblogs, 1,623 green-tinted Twittore feeds, 4 online pamphlets, and 2 JumboTron® televisions, but now is your chance to view it again right here!}

Part 3: New Hope For The Deaf-Eared.

Part 4: A wad of loose beer tickets.

Part 5: Soft Whippy.

CLICK the above image to crack the July 2009 issue of Modern Drummer and read 10 life nuggets from Jon Wurster (Psychotic Norman, The Right Profile, Carneys), everyone's favorite jazz-fillin' funnyman and all-around Good Guy.

Here's a transcript of the exchange I had while purchasing this periodical:

BORDERS CASHIER: You play drums, huh?

OMAR: Indeed I do.*

BORDERS CASHIER: My nephew plays. I think he's in some group.

OMAR: Nachtmystium?

BORDERS CASHIER: Um ... I can't remember the name. They have a Myspace page.

OMAR: Speaking of extreme metal, you heard that Varg Vikernes is out of jail, right?

BORDERS CASHIER: Who's THAT?

OMAR: Oh, you probably know him as Count Grishnackh! Can you believe that Thurston Moore is into this stuff?!

BORDERS CASHIER: Do you have a BORDERS Rewards card?

Omar hands the gentleman his card.

OMAR: Tell your nephew to keep at it so he can become the next Mike Portnoy or Danny Peters! Don't you think Cobain should have stuck with him instead of Foo-Boy?

BORDERS CASHIER: Receipt in the bag?

OMAR: Sure. Just slip it right in there. Do you like The Melvins? Your nephew definitely needs to have an ice bell in his kit.

BORDERS CASHIER: Okay. Have a good one.

OMAR: Thanks, you too. Keep one foot in the gutter and one fist in the gold. That's what Riki Rachtman used to say at the end of Headbanger's Ball.

BORDERS CASHIER: You're a munch.

OMAR: I changed my mind. I want my receipt out of the bag. I am going to hold it aloft as I exit this store.

*This is not true, although I did take a few lessons circa 1983 and attempted to bang along to Men At Work's Cargo and Social D's Mommy's Little Monster on my Remo practice pad.